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October 15, 2008Proactive Projection
October 15, 2008Despite my title, I give her early credit for taking a stab at heading off any “drama” (as she put it) in the following email:
LM,
I just wanted to update you on S2. He still has a 103 fever. I’m going to give it till tomorrow and see if they can call something other than Amoxcicillan in. If my memory serves me, he never really responds to that. I called the Dr. this morning and they said to give it another 24 hours.
Also, I wanted to head off any holiday drama this year. Thanksgiving is mind right?
I know you get Christmas again, but that IS my week, so you will pick up on Christmas Eve and return them either Christmas Day evening or in the AM on the 26th? Please confirm pick up and drop off asap.
New years is mine this year. which falls during your week, so I am assuming we exchange new years eve and then again New years day??
Like I said. I want to head off the drama before it begins, so please respond asap.
It’s apparently still too difficult for her to check the court order as the schedule is that clear.
- Thanksgiving is hers this year.
- Christmas is mine this year, pick-up on Christmas Eve and drop-off on December 26th.
- New Year’s is hers this year, pick-up on New Year’s Eve and drop-off on January 1st.
I did laugh a little at her contention that she is the one trying to head off the drama, considering she is the only one who has engaged in custodial interference, failing to show up for my Christmas holiday with the children in 2006. This resulted in a contempt hearing where she was found guilty of custodial interference and failure to follow other provisions of the court order in place at the time.
But hey… if that makes her feel better and she ultimate complies with the order this year… I’m okay with that!
If You’ve Previously Thought You Were Your Child(ren)’s Parents…
October 14, 2008Think again. The states are and it’s enforced by the courts.
Just when I think I’ve seen everything that could burn me up about my own case, I discover something that sets my blood pressure sky-high all over again.
While preparing my next post along the path of Custody Evaluation #1, I was reviewing the website for our county’s (court ordered) custody evaluation program (I’ll call it CEP for short). Something caught my eye and made me rather angry because while I’ve long ago realized that we are only parents to our children as long as the state/government “allows” us to be, I’ve never seen it posted anywhere as “in your face” as it is on the CEP website. Read it and think about it…
“Most parents sincerely believe they know what is in their child’s “best interests.” What they may not fully realize is that the “best interests of the child” constitutes a legal standard that only a judge will decide.”
Not only is it written in a most condescending “we know better than you do” tone, they flat out tell you – the choices to be made for your children are out of your hands once there is a divorce and custody dispute (if not long before that).
Read it again. Digest it. Tell me how you feel. Most CEPs operate with this mindset. I’d strongly suggest that you not get divorced if you’ve already chosen to get married. All it takes is one high-conflict personality to place the decision making right smack in the hands of the mommy-state.
Your children are not yours. They belong to the state and the state allows you to babysit them with all of the associated expenses. Don’t forget it.
Heading Towards Custody Evaluation #1
October 9, 2008Leading into the Fall of 2004, PEW’s original work plan was to find a full-time day job because the children would be in school (S1) and daycare/pre-K (S2). However, given the adversarial nature of the proceedings and specifically her first attorney who was looking for the maximum money under every rock, it would make sense that her plan would change.
You see, if both kids were in school, there would be almost no compelling reason aside from straight-up family court mother-bias to change the custody arrangement at the time, which was effectively 50/50 shared. However, her crazy-assed Summer schedule of 2nd-shift Fridays, double-shift Saturdays, and double-shift Sundays allowed her to be “off all during the week.” This would give those involved in forcing a decision on the custody matter to look favorably upon PEW. After all, she was going to “be available all week long” to tend to the children. This arrangement could be leveraged to leave me with weekends and her with primary custody. That would be her plan exactly. Success meant primary child-support money. Success meant there was going to be little chance that I would be able to afford the steep child-support figure and be able to keep the children settled in the marital home for at least half of the total custodial time.
Still, there were the occasional scheduling issues associated with this arrangement which led to disagreements about using her sister as a sitter.
LM,
If I am awarded primary custody of the kids, it will be then that re-evaluate going into work at 5pm on fridays. I think I have gone out of my way to accomodate your work schedule(for the past 6 years.) And in return, you “make up” a bunch of lies and put in for a PFA.
My sister is a loving responsible adult. She’s doing great and has been doing great for some time. She is a wonderful Aunt. If you are not coming home at 2:30, she will be taking care of the boys till you get home.
~PEW
PEW,
As indicated by what? Repeated failed attempts to stop drinking? An arrest for public drunkenness? Doing significant damage to wheels and suspension of her car with no recollection as to how it happened? Drunk-driving. Binge-drinking. Drug abuse. Stalking. AA, [the rehab center], etc.?
Don’t think for one second that I doubt your sister’s love for the children, but unfortunately, your faith (and mine) in her efforts to get herself together have failed repeatedly over the past half-dozen years. You may be willing to risk the boys being around for the next failure, but it is of great concern to me. Driving, for sure… and watching them alone. I’ve been there when your sister has been quite unnerved when watching the boys alone. Unfortunately, both of us have to be convinced that she’s suddenly “okay” and I’m not. I’m not willing to risk her losing control if/when the boys become unruly.
In the future, I will make arrangements for appropriate child-care on Fridays for both boys.
~LM
LM,
My sister was not arrested for public drunkeness. She was issued a citation. That was several months ago and she has not had a drink since. Are you coming home at 2:30? Is that what you are telling me? Like I said, if you are not PP will be watching them for the 2 hours.
~PEW
I could not make arrangements to get out of work early that day and was stuck with PEW’s selection for babysitters.
Despite all of the hassles, I had previously explained that in the aftermath of winning the first major court hearing on the schooling issue followed by the PEW’s break-in to the marital home, followed by the restraining order being issued against the PEW, followed by PEW’s choice of her sister as her babysitter of choice given her instability and storied history… I truly believed that things were falling into place for me to get shared 50/50 custody at an absolute minimum. I started to feel that between the documented history and the choices she was making merely weeks before the custody evaluation would bode very well for me and the children.
Boy would I be wrong.
October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month – Remember…
October 8, 2008…it happens to men, too.
I was reading an article tonight, one among many, from Barbara Kay. This one, though, went against the grain a good bit and wasn’t the same old tripe that is so often trotted out espousing women’s victimhood with barely a mention of children and nary a word about men.
Barb brings a larger dose of reality on the topic by titling her latest article, Barbara Kay, October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month; How about making November false allegations awareness month?
This is a wonderful idea that is still too big a challenge for the mainstream media to cover. I gotta give her kudos for her ongoing efforts, though. In addition to a horrendous story about a young man who was killed by someone as a result of fabricated domestic violence story, she offers some other interesting tidbits:
- In 2000, it was reported that the FBI’s DNA testing over a three year period had exonerated more than 30% of their 4,000-plus sexual assault suspects.
- The FBI’s Behavioural Science Unit’s 1983 study of False Allegations, a total of 220 out of 556 rape investigations – 40% – turned out to be false. (Over a quarter turned out to be actual hoaxes.)
- About 4,000 allegations of rape a year are levelled in Manhattan. About half never happened.
- Police officials in New Zealand state that 64% of rape reports are false.
The article goes on to talk about how men’s lives can be completely shattered by false accusations and its prevalence in family court, used as a means to get an upper hand in contested child custody cases, something that I and many of my readers have experienced first-hand. I, so far have been one of the lucky ones and not suffered the catastrophic fate that so many others often do. I’ve been subject to patently false claims, up to and including spousal abuse and child abuse, and the PEW even called Child Protective Services on us on one occasion (and the police several times). In my case, there has never been a single sanction or other repercussions for her provably false claims. That’s usually the case. It’s wrong.
Barbara Kay’s sentiment on how to handle false accusations are shared by many:
“All allegations of sexual abuse or domestic violence should be routed immediately to criminal court and the burden placed on the accuser to prove (usually) her case. Real punishment should follow on false accusations of abuse of any kind. When women get away scot free with ruining men’s lives – or provoking tragedies like those detailed in this editorial – it is inevitable that the message trickles down to society at large that false allegations against men by women and girls are tolerated and even [trivialized].”
The bottom-line is this… despite the massive mainstream media coverage that will undoubtedly focus on the abused women of the world, the public should also remember the nearly 1,000,000 men in the United States who report being the victims of domestic violence every year. The number of men and children who are killed at the hands of mother/wife/girlfriend. They should also be alarmed by the fact that there are little to no programs in place to assist battered men in need of assistance. No shelters. No free legal representation. No pro-father-bias in family courts. No multi-billions of dollars funneled to help just males via a “Violence Against Men’s Act.”
Never forget those realities. Let’s try to remember the disposable gender when we talk of domestic violence and death.
Help Us Help You
October 6, 2008Hey Nons, DW here, I’m taking over the blog for a day 🙂 Having dealt with a PEW for over 4 years now, I sometimes feel as if I’m losing my mind, and I’m sure many of you can relate. I begged LM to do this blog for quite some time before he finally agreed, and I’ve had a few ideas for creating a business around this whole mess for awhile now in order to change the system from the outside. Some of you may know that I work in Search Engine Marketing, so I’ve been thinking of creating software that will help high conflict divorcees get through the situation without losing their mind, and with the ability to track everything going on. I have a legal background so we had an advantage with documenting everything in a manner that was useful to our attorney (and should have been to custody evaluators if they took the time to read everything), so we want to put this experience into use for everyone else, while at the same time hopefully getting attorneys and evaluators that aren’t aware of high conflict personalities to understand what is going on.
What that means is we are currently developing a web application that will allow you to sign in and keep a private journal of events, custody calendar, track phone calls, custody time and interferences, save files and emails, track child support sent or received, track other expenses, among other things. The software will allow you to give access to certain areas (like the calendar) to your ex-spouse with the ability to message back and forth without giving them your normal email account, as well as access for attorneys, counselors, evaluators, and teachers so that all information pertaining to custody and children will be stored in one place that will be accessible from anywhere. (All with the ability to keep sections private when needed, or allow access to read only such as for your attorney.)
If you can, imagine going to one place to update the fact that your ex-husband or wife didn’t return calls with your children for 10 days in a row. When your attorney needs proof of this, you simply run a report and print a handy table that shows the court that 75% of your phone calls that are court ordered have been denied. Or imagine being able to do a search for every email that contains foul language, false accusations, or some other issue, and being able to print them with one click and hand them to your attorney.
Without going into too much detail, since this is obviously a work in progress, we are interested in hearing what you would like to see in software that would help you stay organized through court battles. Once we have a first edition of the application we will be asking for beta users to test everything and give us feedback about problems or suggestions to improve it, and if you send us ideas you will be the first on the list to have free access – so shoot us an e-mail with your ideas to thepsychoexwife@gmail.com, we would especially love to hear views from attorneys/counselors/evaluators on what would help you with clients. We will also be creating an affiliate program for the software once it launches, so if you have a blog of your own or website, you will be able to sign up and sell the software earning commissions and helping others at the same time.
GOOGLE FIGHT!!!
October 4, 2008Psycho Ex-Wife vs. Psycho Ex-Husband
Draw your own conclusions.
And don’t lie, I know that everyone who goes there is going to make a minimum of 10 of their own battles!
Inconsequential Details…
October 2, 2008…leading up to our first custody evaluation…
In the aftermath of the protection from abuse hearing (or lack thereof), all remained eerily quiet on the road to the custody evaluation. There were a few issues that reared the ugly head from time-to-time:
Once the child-support payments were set-up, there were some snafus with the work check-runs that would prompt the regular, recurring “I didn’t get my support check” emails. Even after that was corrected, knucklehead wasn’t used to the usual red-tape delays that commonly occur because she had to have my wages garnished instead of taking my checks directly. Her choice, not mine. I finally got around to ignoring those emails after telling her a couple of times to take it up with the child support disbursement office. (For the record, I was paying $869/month for child support having them 50% of the time and also paying “temporary spousal support” to the tune of $204/month.) I’m still at a loss to figure out how I was to pay that much and her petition for spousal support was a joke. For someone who “couldn’t afford to pay reasonable attorney’s fees” – she sure was petition-happy during that period.
There was also the small matter of the direct checks I was sending her directly prior to the order. After some hemming and hawing as well as my providing ample proof via canceled checks – that was rectified as well and I received appropriate credit for payments made up to the time we finally had an order entered.
Our work schedules were tough and kind of messed-up on Fridays which brought another round of issues surrounding her desire to have her alcoholic, bipolar, untreated psycho-sister watching the children for a few hours on Fridays until I could pick them up. There was nothing I could do except document my objections. She tried to leverage my inability to adjust my work schedule into “being okay” with her sister watching the children. I simply repeated my objections and stated that there was nothing I could legally do to stop her from using psycho-SIL as a babysitter.
It was also the earliest foray into partial parallel-parenting, too. Though I still hadn’t officially heard of it, we had some problems with me sending the children over dressed in decent clothing only to have her not return the clothing. It wasn’t long before I was left with nothing but sweatpants and sweatshirts. When I asked her about returning the clothing, she informed me that they “didn’t fit right” and she disposed of them. It would be the last time I sent them back to her in anything that she didn’t first supply me with. The clothes were fine. So, from that moment on, I washed whatever it was they arrived in and sent them back home in it when it was time to return them. To this very day, I still do that. Money is tight and especially then… I couldn’t afford to have her trashing the clothes that I had purchased for them.
Between September and mid-October, we would have attended 6 custody evaluation sessions. 2 each alone. 1 together. 1 together with the children. Stay tuned…
Lora writes, "Tomorrow is the Big Day!"
September 27, 2008LM & DW,
Tomorrow is the big day… we hope! We go back to court, again, to hopefully win custody of my husband’s kids. We’ve been going every other month it seems since January, a full month after CPS took my husband’s daughter from his PEW (and gave her to the PEW’s mother, per the PEW’s request), and three months since he’d seen his daughter last. His son elected to come live with us nearly a year ago exactly, due to struggles at home with both his mother and his older half brother, so we have had custody of him at least. Between the PEW and CPS both, it has been an uphill battle.
The PEW has talked his son into lying about his father(my husband), promised him a life full of doing what ever he wants(to include drug use, hanging out with old friends that got him into trouble before) in exchange for coming back to live with her. Now that the PEW has the daughter back from CPS, she is trying to turn the little girl(just turned 6) against her father like she has his son. It is disgusting, to be honest. The woman has tested positive for drugs multiple times in the last nearly year, has flown off the coop at counselor’s visits (all documented), and my husband has never come up positive, never thrown a fit… and still, there is a chance that she could get the boy back, and keep his daughter as well.
The last time we were at court, a ‘social study’ was agreed upon. It has cost us nearly three times as much money as it was supposed to, but hopefully, will be worth it. When my husband’s son spoke to the social worker yesterday (the one conducting said ‘social study’, he admitted to her freely that he’d lied to CPS about his dad for his mom and that he’d done drugs under the care of (but not in sight of) his mother during her supervised visitation with him. He told the social worker that his dad wouldn’t let him talk to his old friends (yes, the ones he’d gotten into trouble for shoplifting with and the ones he’d been doing drugs with), made him do his homework and go to school. With Mom, he’d already been on probation for shoplifting, been held back a year at school for truancy, and failing all his classes as well as regular marijuana use with his friends. As the social worker said… ‘No wonder he wants to go live with his mom!’
Now, our primary goal is to keep custody of the boy, as mom treats boy (verbally, mentally abusive) far differently than girl (‘normal’, for now at least); however, per our attorney, we are in fact fighting for custody of both. It is our hope that with this ‘social study’ report, they will not be able to justify keeping daughter with mom if son shouldn’t be with mom. And tomorrow, we will see.
Wish us luck!
Lora
Lora wrote this letter on September 23rd, 2008 and then followed up with us regarding the outcome of their court hearing…
LM & DW,
Court, for now, is over and done with. Per the social worker’s recommendations, my husband’s son will be staying with us, period. His daughter will stay with Mom. Visitation will remain the way it currently is, weekend wise, but holidays will be modified (we only had temporary orders that didn’t include holidays). We also managed to get it stipulated that his ex-wife will have to follow through with all and any recommendations from the psychological testing done by CPS within 30 days, and we also got in a requirement of random drug testing (this is our major concern, as well as the psychological stuff).
We could have gone daggers for his daughter as well, but, given circumstances, we really feel this is in his daughter’s best interests for now. That could change in the coming weeks, months, years. Who’s to know? My husband and his ex split up when his daughter was still an infant, she has never had Dad around full time and Mommy is her constant. There is an undeniable bond between mother and daughter that we cannot find fault with. At this time, while his ex is clean and drug free, we aren’t sure that pulling his daughter from her ‘safety line’ is the best thing to do. If, however, the situation deteriorates or she starts testing dirty, then we will go back to court.
We are incredibly thankful. It went better than the worst case scenario, but not as well as the best case scenario, but we can work with this.
Thank you for your thoughts and prayers, and know that we will be continuing to read your blogs, something tells me that our journey is not nearly complete (we’ll be dealing with the ex until his daughter turns 18, at least!).
-Lora
Lora and Husband,
Success in the family court arena is often counted in the small steps forward. While you didn’t achieve all of your goals, it’s very nice to see that you’ve managed to gain some ground in protecting the kids from their mother’s issues. Hopefully, some of the steps you’ve taken will ultimately help your PEW in the long-run, too.
Continued best wishes to you and yours!
Sincerely,
LM & DW
S.A.N. asks, "What Can I Do?"
September 24, 2008
I’m going through a custody case right now over my two year old daughter. I had never heard of BPD (borderline personality disorder) before the split with my ex. A friend who happens to be a psychotherapist gave me her diagnosis.
After reading your website, it sounds like our relationship almost verbatim. We had the temporary orders hearing last week and I got primary custody with standard visitation for her. (two hours Thursday and every other weekend) The only reason I received this kind of judgment was getting a Judge that actually took the time to listen to all the evidence.
Her lawyer pretty much got blindsided. I honestly felt bad for him. All he knew was what she had told him (lies). I had a picture of our toilet that was still dirty (from her bulimia). Testimony from our babysitter that happens to be a foster mom and in law school. Her suicidal writings in notebooks. The fact that she doesn’t take care of her son from her first marriage and calls him “evil,” “the spawn of Satan,” and “the next Jeffrey Dahmer.” (Mind you – he’s only six.) Her own mother testified that she had said, “you know she’s lying when her mouth is moving.” I also have her on tape admitting the name calling of her son and the disgusting condition of our house when she moved out, but the judge didn’t even need to [hear that].
Despite getting blindsided, her attorney handled it rather well, which concerns me if he’s given more time to prepare and has more information than he had been given. I know it’s not close to being over. She still baits me at every turn to get me to lose my temper and even has tried the “what’s best for our daughter approach.” I have been the primary caregiver to our daughter since day one.
What can I do to make sure that when we actually go to trial, that there is nothing she and her lawyer can do to get the temporary order overturned?
~S.A.N.
S.A.N.,
While I am certainly sad for your predicament, I am encouraged by the early successes you’ve apparently had and your excellent preparation and organizational skills. Your continued efforts will maximize the best possible outcome for you.
Given what you’ve written and how you’ve written it, my primary suggestion will be to absolutely ensure that you do not lose your temper at all during this process… at least, not in a way that is recordable and could come back to haunt you. Go sit in your car with the windows rolled-up in the garage and scream at the top of your lungs. Go to the gym and work out. Find an outlet for your frustration and angst. DO NOT let it fly on your PEW. It takes a great deal of patience and discipline, but it is something that you must do despite the urges you may have to “let her have it.” Read my post: Appropriate Means of Contact with High Conflict Personalities. I often refer to it as “low contact.” Read it. Re-read it. Then read it again when the urge strikes you to vent your frustration on the PEW. Read my numerous examples of how to handle things inappropriately, a few of which are highlighted in the above article. This is so important to you and ultimately, your daughter. Give the other side something to use against you, particularly as a father, and it could serve to undermine everything you’ve accomplished so far.
What can you do?
In the “crap-shoot for dads” that is most family court systems in this country, there is no guarantee that your current situation won’t be reversed. After all, “mom is best” is still the obvious mindset of the divorce and family court cartel.
My suggestions:
– REMAIN CALM AND FOCUSED ON THE ULTIMATE GOAL, which is maximizing your time with the child for her ultimately long-term well-being as you see it. Stay low-contact and always speak respectfully to your PEW. Assume you’re being recorded. Assume everything you write is being saved and analyzed for use against you.
– Keep your “evidence” well-organized and relevant to the matters at issue. It would appear from your story that you have grasped that concept. Save yourself some money and always make 4-copies of everything for your attorney (and/or at the direction of your attorney). Don’t be paying counsel for making copies when you can do that. 1-copy for you. 1-copy for the judge. 1-copy for the other side. 1-copy for “just in case it’s needed for something” purposes.
– Stay highly involved in all of your daughter’s activities, which really goes without saying, but I’ll say it anyway. Know and interact with the schools and teachers. If she’s in extracurricular activities now or down the road, know and interact with coaches, sitters, nannies. You get the picture.
– I’ll repeat my low-contact suggestion. Answer no email that doesn’t require answering. That leaves very few. No idle chit-chat on the phone. No phone discussion at all unless it’s an emergency pertaining to the children. Any email you send should be short, to-the-point, and always blind-copy yourself on anything you send.
– Finally, don’t feel sorry for the other side, her attorney, or anything that is in a position of support for her and whose aim is to destroy your relationship with your daughter and her future well-being. Don’t waste your time.
I’m sure some of the readers will be quite happy to toss in some other tips and suggestions that may serve to help you as well. You can also check out some of our previous advice column posts, too.
Best wishes.
~LM
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