Laying Out My Suspicions in a 2002 Letter

3-days after the instant-message discussion detailed in the Christmas 2001 Ejection post, I had given her a typewritten letter with the header “Emotional Problems.” On the advice of the counselor we had seen earlier the prior year, since we couldn’t talk to one another about issues, we were to write them down. I allude to a letter from her which I apparently no longer have. I am curious as to its specific content, but it appears from my reply that addressed whatever it is she brought up. While it wasn’t the first time I had suggested that she may have bipolar disorder, it would be the first (and I think only) time I laid out my case for exploring the possibility in such detail. This is from 1/6/2002.

It’s long. Forgive the rambling nature and any spelling issues. The only changes made below were to eliminate names and locations as appropriate. Admittedly, I broke it up into better paragraphs (if not perfect) to make it easier to read.

Emotional Problems:

My belief that you may have a condition that is similar to your brother/sister are based on the facts that the things I have experienced and witnessed are, with little question in my mind, parallel to the experiences we’ve seen with your siblings. I did not tell you this without giving it a great deal of thought. I didn’t tell you this to be malicious. I didn’t tell you this in an effort to “set you up” with the intention of taking the children from you, which brings me to my first symptom:

Paranoia:

I have been a party to your paranoia on several different occasions, the above being the most recent example.

Example #2 I can recall was a night not long ago when we were in “crisis,” when you came out of the bedroom and asked me “who were you on the phone with?” Repeatedly, I told you that I hadn’t even picked up the phone and you didn’t believe me. I told you to hit redial and see, which you wouldn’t do, and yet for 2-days, you still accused me of having been on the phone talking with somebody – via argument – despite having every opportunity in the world at the moment in question to see that I wasn’t on the phone with anybody.

Example #3 – The “invention.” Despite using my work bonus to help cultivate the idea, there was no appreciation. I support this endeavor 100%. When I tried to use my experience to offer ideas on how to enhance the plan, you became enraged. During what I recall as a week’s worth of argument from you, you accused me of things like “trying to steal the idea” — “trying to take all of the credit” — “trying to get all of the recognition.” You made these horrible accusations despite the fact that I had told family and friends (all of them) that this was your wonderful idea and we were really going to try and make it work. I got into trouble for trying to assist you and you told me to stop. Then, when I played the hands-off role, the entire summer went by and nothing was done on the project. You then started a few-days-long argument about how horrible I was for NOT helping you.

Example #4 – Accusations of being a druggie – which included (when you made your first accusation) regular use of marijuana, use of cocaine, and accusations of being an “alcoholic.” You made these accusations without justifying it with any classically accepted indications for what signs are of drug abuse. You brought home a drug test, which I took approximately 24-hours after first refusing, having refused because I was so angry at the allegation.

Example #5 – Accusing me of taking “masking agents” after I refused to take the test the previous night, despite the fact that I home all day, except for going to dinner with my brothers for a couple of hours. Those are just a few and while as dramatic as the experiences we’ve seen amongst others, still parallel the signs of those we know.

Example #6 – Your inability to accept the gift-certificate to the salon because you were paranoid about their “upscale” clientele and how you weren’t deserving and wouldn’t go there because people would “look at you” and similar strange excuses. There are other instances, too.

Wild highs and lows regarding your mood:

Gift-giving – embarrassingly, I truly cannot recall but maybe one gift-giving event that went without a fight from you. You don’t like: the engagement ring (despite the fact that you picked it out), started prolonged fight over the diamond anniversary band I got, last Christmas was ruined for weeks/months because rather than appreciate the fact that I got you everything that you wanted, I also got gift certificates for maternity massages at a facility that came with a recommendation from your obstetrician. Christmas was again a disaster, and you started several fights over the coming months about how “inconsiderate” it was of me to get you that gift as you didn’t feel you would want a stranger to massage you “in that condition.”

You started a fight with me on Valentine’s Day 2001 because I didn’t write you a poem, this, despite the fact that we weren’t in the best of situations after only a couple weeks earlier having a bad time during the January incident.

You started several fights which lasted for as long as a week when you wanted to be engaged. Despite knowing for months in my mind that I was going to ask for your hand in marriage on my birthday in 1996, you ruined New Year’s, Valentine’s Day, and other days with no significance that year because I didn’t ask you when you wanted me to ask you. I can even recall telling you that I would tell you when I was going to ask for your hand in marriage if you wanted, because I did have a plan, which you didn’t believe. You felt I was just stringing you along (also fits with paranoia).

The fact that after years of experiencing it, we would actually joke between ourselves for you to never tell me how “great a father” I was or “how much you loved me” because we BOTH realized that within 24-48 hours of your doing so, I would allegedly do or say something or “have a look” on my face and you would proclaim me some of the most horrible things anyone has ever said to me.

Christmas morning, after giving you two very nice gifts which I thought you would really like and writing you a heart-felt love not, you hugged me, kissed me, and told me how wonderful I was. Within hours, the look on your face had changed and when I asked you what was wrong, you commenced to berate me about my getting you the “wrong” gifts and how much I spent on you being “too much.” You rare accept gifts graciously – especially from me, but from others, too. It is as though you cannot accept the generosity from others because you believe that you aren’t deserving or something.

When I stated that I was not interested in attending the wedding shower for your brother and his fiancee, you immediately launched into a top-of-your-lungs scream session over how wrong I was for not being interested in going to a shower.

Claiming I beat my ex-wife without any honest concept of when and how our relationship deteriorated, and making wild claims about our life together – and also threatening to call her to discuss the matter whenever you are upset with me.

Threatening Behavior:

Not so much physically, but other ways… threatening to leave, threatening to divorce, threatening to take the kids, threatening to sic various family members or me, threatening to run up the credit cards, threatening to take the time to pursue a relationship, including sexual, with somebody else because you “deserve to be happy” – this despite the fact that we’re married.

Irrational Behavior:

An inability to take truly constructive criticism or give credence to any idea or tyring something out on my request, but an expectation that you can do same without problem.

I can’t recall ever making a parental suggestion or expressing concern over an issue involving the children without your starting a days-long fight. Starting a week-long fight over the fact that I asked for us to try putting a triple dresser in S1’s room and if it really didn’t work, I could remove it.

ANY time I make a suggestion that doesn’t meet with your approval, you toss barbs at me like “oh, and you’re the expert father” and claiming that I have no right because “I don’t spend as much time with them as you do.”

At my request that you take a look at two houses outside of your comfort zone on the possibility that they may strike you as good – you starting a week’s long fight which culminated in your having a meltdown in front of your own mother in which you called me horrible names and again – threatened divorce. All this, despite giving consideration to a great many areas of living that were outside of my comfort zone and within areas that were of interest to you.

After breaking my rear-end to install a fence that you wanted installed right away, it taking me one weekend longer than I anticipated, not one word of appreciation or congratulations on the job I did. Instead, a weekend-long tirade about how “inconsiderate” and “what a fucking cheap asshole” I was for not paying an additional $1,200 or so dollars to have the fence installed by the fence company. Why? Because you had to spend “so much time watching the children” while I broke my back doing good work on something you wanted installed right away.

Despite dozens of requests that you not call me in work to fight on the phone, you repeatedly fail to heed the requests and call me and leave me messages that are almost identical in tone and veracity as those your sister has left with us, and apparently (if the stories are true) – other people.

Your repeatedly claiming that you can’t get a word in edgewise – even in your very letter, despite the fact that – the only time I interrupt you is when you start calling me the filthy, vile names which you are prone to do, and/or you bring into the discussion matters which are not relevant to the situation at hand. If you don’t call me names, point fingers in my face, and at my nose, maintain a reasonable level of volume (not screaming), we can discuss any matter you wish without interruption from me. However, I will always cut you off when you start calling me fucking asshole, impotent fuckers, asshole, fucking faggot and gay, bringing my relationship with my ex-wife into the discussion.

Despite your fear that I may be correct in my beliefs, the parallels are quite close, and in many cases – identical to those we know have such a condition. Combine all of the alleged symptoms with the fact that the condition is genetic, and two of your siblings already have it, the possibility exists that I may be correct. Now, despite your belief that I bring this up maliciously – it is simply not the case. The fact that I love you so very much and am willing to go through these struggles and hope that we can find out if my assessment is true means a lot to ME, if nobody else. The reason I am unwilling to just “walk away” from this marriage is that I think that things can be fixed and you have to dig deep and take the risk of finding out if it is true. If it is, it can be treated and I think would go a long way towards combating all of these symptoms that I believe point to the condition. Together, counseling has never been given a chance, because you just cannot seem to handle the fact that when the counselor intimates something that is not to your liking – you quit. It happened in the fall of 2001. During the spring/summer sessions that we attended together (2 of them) you were all over the place and the counselor suggested you continue to see your counselor and we would come back together, which never occurred. We’ve never had any appreciable, constructive time TOGETHER in counseling for you to base your claim of “it hasn’t worked.”

Christmas Presents Specifically:

It was a mess because you couldn’t control your anger. Your belief that you were getting the ring is patently false, because we discussed the fact that you threw out the Macy’s circular and I was unwilling to take a guess as to which ring it was and that I was definitely NOT getting it for your for Christmas. You knew this two weeks in advance, and we discussed getting it for you for Valentine’s Day so that you could show me exactly what you wanted. Why? Because I know that if I got the wrong one (as we’ve previously experienced with both the engagement ring and the anniversary band) if it wasn’t the right time or the right one – you would have started another war over it. Any claim to the contrary by you is simply a false one.

As for the gifts I did get you – #1 The [Name Deleted] Gift Pack was STRONGLY recommended by your sister as “I must get this” for you. She made no bones about how much you allegedly loved it. Obviously, her recollection was incorrect. However, I make no apologies for the effort. I believed I had it on good authority and it was a worthwhile gift. That said, instead of graciously acknowledging the effort and telling me I was wrong, you started a fight.

#2 – The gift certificate to the salon was based upon our incessant complaining through the fall about things like “not being able to get your hair done” and “how much you would like to occasionally get your nails done’ and on others informing about how much you would like to “get a massage.” Based on those experiences, the gift certificate covered any combination of several of those options which you have previously “wished” you could get done. Then, you come up with an excuse to fight about that one claiming that you “don’t feel comfortable” amongst the upscale clientele, and that I was wrong to get you that, again – instead of graciously saying “thanks but no thanks” like reasonable gift-receivers do. You again opted to start a fight and effectively destroy our holidays again. I make no apologies for the logic behind getting you the gift.

#3 – As for the “amount of money I spent” – your claim that you wanted the rings means that I spent exactly $40 more than it would have cost me for the ring when you factor in the tax. So, despite your claim to the contrary, it simply isn’t the case and I cannot conceive of a reason for you to act as ungrateful as you did on this or any other gift-giving occasion where I am concerned.

#4 – Considering how much you were able to spend on all of your recipients for Christmas, your questioning my expenditures for you is unfair. You got to spend with little or no question, just asking that you be cautious because things would be “close” this month. I never, ever said that we weren’t going to be able to pay the mortgage in January. I simply stated that we must be cautious about what we spend to ensure that would could pay the mortgage. Including the few hundred I spent on you, we did perfectly and were able to pay the mortgage. Again, your recollection of events is false. In fact, I used up our entire PayPal reserve to ensure that you wouldn’t feel like you slighted any of your gift recipients. I never said word-on about what you spent, on whom it was spent, or why it was spent. A consideration that I never get, not even when the person I buy gifts for is you.

Christmas Day and your brother making fun of S1’s head and ears:

While you and your family continue to harp on the fact that I kindly asked [brother], “Please don’t make fun of my kids” after 5 separate comments about his head and ears, the fact remains that what was wrong occurred when a 30-year old felt compelled to make fun of a 3-year old and now you and your family justify it in any number of ways. I sympathize greatly with what your family has gone through in recent months. I’ve done my part to help whenever I could. However, using that as an excuse to look the other way with regard to what [brother] did on Christmas Day while continuing to claim that I was the one who did wrong is inexcusable. While you continue to preach to the choir about [brother’s] love for the kids, how many gifts he gives them, how much time he spends with them, and how he plays with him – doesn’t change the fact that he said what he said on Christmas Day, and I kindly asked him not to do it. There is no question in my mind regarding [brother’s] love for the children. I never believed that he said what he said to be malicious. the PROBLEM is that he, and others, think it is “funny” to call children names. S1 is 3-years old. I don’t care what you believe S1 believed about the making fun of his head and ears. It is inappropriate under any circumstances and your family (mostly your father and PP) have been doing it for the better part of three years, despite your repeated attempts to insist that they stop it. Additionally, your claim (perhaps your brother’s, I don’t know) that he said it once, after S1 hurt his head under the dining room table – is false. What he said under the table was the 5th comment in a span of 5-minutes. 3 about S1s head. 2 about his ears. He did NOT “only make a comment” after S1 hurt his head. That is false and typical of the recollections that are had about past situations that resulted in major fights.

Additionally, no one has stepped up to condemn your repeatedly calling me a “fucking asshole” while raising your voice at me in the kitchen, your sister’s meltdown on me in the kitchen, and your mother saying, “I’m tired of this fucking bullshit” – all while S1 was standing right there. The excuse-making from your side needs to stop. I’ve acknowledged, in the aftermath of the reaction, that I most certainly could have taken your brother aside and addressed it. However, I didn’t and I cannot change the past. I haven’t heard a single word from your side about all of the rather significant inappropriate behavior and language in the aftermath. Very sad. Everyone needs to understand that it is inappropriate to make fun of the children under any circumstances. Instead of directing their anger at me for kindly asking it stop – they should examine why they haven’t acknowledged what happened that day, both with your brother’s words, and yours, your sister’s, and your mother’s inappropriate language and outbursts in the aftermath.

Nope – all you and yours are going to do is stomp their feet about how “inappropriate” it allegedly was to kindly ask your brother not to make fun of S1, which is the real tragedy from Christmas Day. Stop hiding behind your family’s trials and tribulation as justification for what happened on Christmas Day.

As for “smoothing things over with your family” – you are going to need to tell me exactly what that means. With exception to whatever things you have told them, all I did was kindly ask your brother to stop making fun of the children. I’ll apologize for not taking [brother] aside to address it on the following conditions – and it means your family “smoothing things over with me” –

#1 – I get apologies directly from your father for all of the inappropriate things he has done, said, and taught S1 over the years, including: “cuckoo I’m a shitbird,” how to choke other people, various curse words, calling your mother an asshole twice in the kitchen when S1 was standing there, the inappropriate behavior and language he exhibited in his drunken state down the seashore, and the other little methods of torment he carries out on him… the list goes on.

#2 – Your sister calling S1 names like psycho, serial killer, crazy… for slapping S1 so hard on 12/23/01 he left a handprint on his face, and any other inappropriate things she has done in the company of the kids. Your sister should count her blessings I didn’t press charges.

#3 – Your brother apologizes to me for making fun of S1 on Christmas Day.

I assure you that the “smoothing over” is deserved in both directions and I’ll not comment on whose behavior has been more egregioiusly inapproriate since the children have been born. The evidence speaks for itself.

If [brother] is upset – he should be man enough to pick up the phone and explain to me whe he has a right to be “so upset” with my asking him not to make fun of the kids.

If [your other brother] is upset – same story.

Your mom – same story.

Your dad – same story.

Then, we can all lay it out on the table with each other and start from scratch with a very clear understanding of what is expected from each other. Only when that happens will I apologize for allegedly “ruining” your family’s Christmas Day for asking [brother] not to make fun of the kids at the point in time that he was doing it.

As for my family – I don’t let them get away with anything when I see it happen. Stop excuse-making and justifying your position with regard to Christmas Day by saying that you “let my family slide many times.” Why? You have always had my 100% backing and support to address any situation that arises as i happens. I should hope that you would do it as nicely as I did with your brother on Christmas Day. Also, if you “let my family slide” when they do something wrong to the children, you are not only doing me a disservice, you are doing the children a disservice by not asking them to stop it. Don’t act like you are doing me or anybody a favor by allegedly “letting them slide.” Again, you are trying to excuse what [brother] said on Christmas with something that is, as usual, not germane to the issue at hand.

As for how I think we can work it out – we must go to a doctor and go together. And, we must stick it out even if what we hear is difficult to accept. Together is the only way to go to ensure that each of us is being honest with the doctor and getting this mess sorted out. As for my nickel assessment of your menal state, I’ve reason to believe what I believe. I’ve stated so with a great deal of thought and with the intent to find out if it is true and see ourselves through if it proves to be true. I’ve never said you were psychotic as you stated in the letter. I don’t think that. I think that there is something seriously wrong which needs to be addressed. As difficult as that is to accept from your husband, the fact remains that for the sake of our marriage and the sake of our children, we should be determined to find out why you can’t deal appropriately with little disagreements and all of the other issues that I believe point to something more serious than “LM is a big asshole, a lousy husband” and all of the other things that you call me. It isn’t right. It isn’t normal. It is something that needs to be addressed.
—————

A whole buncha’more wasted words.

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Parental Alienation Awareness Day – April 25th, 2008

ThePsychoExWife.Com Spotlights
Parental Alienation Awareness Day

We are accepting submissions of parental alienation stories.

ThePsychoExWife.com is accepting personal accounts and stories of parental alienation in order to bring these behaviors to the attention of the general public, judges, police officers, psychiatrists, lawyers, as well as friends and family of the children that suffer from the alienation. Every 15-minutes on April 25th a new true story of parental alienation will be posted on ThePsychoExWife.com to show how frequently children are subjected to alienating behaviors and bullied into being separated from one loving parent by another.

Parental alienation is a group of behaviors that are damaging to children’s mental and emotional well-being, and can interfere with a relationship of a child and either parent. These behaviors most often accompany high conflict marriages, separation or divorce.

Parental Alienation Awareness Day is currently proclaimed or recognized by 9 US State Governors including AL, FL, IN, CT, MT, KY, NE, IA, and ME. Parental Alienation behaviors, whether verbal or non-verbal, cause a child to be mentally manipulated or bullied into believing a loving parent is the cause of all their problems, and/or the enemy, to be feared, hated, disrespected and/or avoided.

Parental alienation and hostile, aggressive parenting deprive children of their right to be loved by, and show love for, both of their parents. These destructive actions by the alienating parent (the parent who is responsible for the manipulations and bullying) are considered a form of child abuse – as the alienating tactics used on the children are disturbing, confusing and often frightening, and rob children of their sense of security and safety.

Stories from children and adult survivors of Parental Alienation, as well as the alienated parent, can be submitted at ThePsychoExWife.com and by e-mail to thepsychoexwife@gmail.com to be included on April 25th.

Thank you for your interest and participation.

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The Greatest Custody Order/Agreement Clause

Changes: All provisions of this agreement may be altered with prior WRITTEN agreement between both parties. If a deviation is agreed to by both parties, it may not be revoked or changed without subsequent written agreement by both parties. Written agreements may be accomplished via email, fax, or through other documented media.

If anyone is going through a divorce involving children, be it civil or uncivil, I have found this to be a most powerful ally in ensuring against alleged miscommunications and the likely occurrence of “he-said, she-said” situations.

I’ve struggled mightily for several years with PEW’s:

– Reneging on verbal agreements which were then revoked at the 11th-hour.

– Reneging on written agreements (usual email agreements).

– Verbalizing agreements and then failing to put them in writing or draw them up as orders (after getting burned with time and expenses of having an attorney draw them up only for her to refuse to sign them).

I’m on the record in various places around the internet with a simple assessment of a borderline’s negotiating and agreement philosophy:

#1 – There is no agreement that you can come up with that s/he will ever agree to. If you came up with it, there must be something wrong about it, underhanded about it, or you are trying to rip her off in some way.

#2 – If s/he verbalizes an agreement with you, s/he will never sign your documentation or see to it that it is documented and signed from his/her end.

#3 – There is no agreement that s/he’ll come up with that s/he’ll agree to if you agree to it. If you like it, there must be something wrong with it or she forgot something that will benefit you and rip her off.

#4 – BPD’s don’t negotiate. They pretend to negotiate, upping the ante in a disguised effort showing (falsely) they are amenable to a settlement. After you’ve gone way above and beyond what is fair or equitable in an effort to settle things, s/he will use that as the benchmark in asking the court for more when you go to the inevitable hearing.

Now I’m fairly certain that the clause opening this post is not uncommon and probably not original. However, I did come up with that all on my own. Tired of the run-around that was typically associated with “working with her” as she so often claims she does verbally but doesn’t actually do in reality – I had to come up with something that would reduce my frustration and lock her in. Vacation plans, extra custody time, exhange points, and other plans have been upset by her games. I’d swirl into a pit of begging and pleading for honoring what we had discussed, to no avail. So, that was the clause I came up with to change things. I wouldn’t beg. I wouldn’t plead. If I didn’t have it in writing, I had no agreement and I would plan accordingly. Unfortunately, it was usually without the children.

It has been instrumental in heading off some court hearings. Those it didn’t, it was instrumental in either defending myself resulting in a finding of innocence or finding her guilty of contempt. When she goes into court claiming she didn’t agree or there was some misunderstanding, I usually only have to hand the judge the email exchange showing agreement between us and the jig is up. It’s really been that simple.

I presented that clause to Judge Contempt. Not only did she like it, she put it into the order exactly as I wrote it, including the all-caps “WRITTEN.”

If your order/agreement doesn’t have this clause – get it in there the next time it is updated. If you’re in the middle of a custody case, make sure that a clause (or one with similar language) becomes a part of any final order.

It won’t guarantee that your psycho-ex will adhere to the order without violation. However, when s/he does, at least you will have protection and proof should you need to go to court. Remember, when emailing, always copy yourself on every single email. Keep your paperwork filed and organized in the event you ever need to use it in court.

If you feel compelled to request a deviation from your order, do it in writing. The MOMENT you get a written agreement in reply – STOP! No more discussion. No mind-changing allowed. It is essentially an extension of the court order without having to go through a hearing for a change. Accept no substitute. If you don’t agree in writing, you don’t have an agreement, period. Follow that order to the letter and avoid deviations unless you have them in writing – agreement from the both of you – IN WRITING!

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Ejected from Christmas 2001 Festivities

Back to the good ‘ole days…

Christmas 2001 was a surreal experience. The holiday was already an unmitigated disaster dating back to Thanksgiving. My grandmother had died and PEW saw fit to descend to new depths of disrespect and viciousness. It was pretty tough. I was dreading Christmas at the Dysfunction Compound (the in-laws) but we were going just the same.

The day was progressing innocently enough. That was, until S1 (3-years old at the time) was chasing a toy under the dining room table and smacked his head on a support. No big deal, a short duration of crying and no real damage done. However, one of PEW’s brothers (the most normal one) saw fit to use that situation to make fun of S1’s head and then subsequently his ears.

Remember now, since nearly the birth of S1, I have had to deal with withholding my anger at PEW’s family who are incessant verbal abusers of one another under the guise of being funny. I did (and do) my share of that with my own brothers. I’m sure it exists in most families. This is different. It’s mean-spirited most of the time and not done in true good humor. PEW’s sister and father (no surprise) were masters. Anytime I broached the subject with PEW, she’d have a near panic-attack and assure me that she’d address it. I believe sometimes she did and sometimes she didn’t. However, when no one in your family has any real respect for you, the effect was typically short-lived.

Now, we were all in the living room sitting on various pieces of furniture, I remember I was laying on the floor facing the dining room where S1 had just smacked his head, and PEW’s bro was tending to him. Truth be told, I have no doubt that PEW’s bro was not being malicious. That wasn’t the point. After the 3 comments about the size of S1’s head, and despite S1’s clear upset at it, he made fun of his ears. Twice. I watched the whole thing unfold.

I said something. First time ever.

I wasn’t outraged. I wasn’t loud. In fact, I was trying to be as discreet as possible given the holiday and the company. Low volume, hoping only he would hear it, I simply and calmly said, “Bro, please don’t make fun of S1 like that.”

He didn’t hear what I said and asked, “What?” It was as if someone turned off every noise in the room. I think I may have heard crickets. Still, I calmly repeated myself, “I just asked you to please not make fun of S1’s head or ears.”

Just as he was replying, surprised, “Oh! Okay. I’m sorry” and as he was turning to S1 saying, “Hey, little guy, I’m sorry for saying that.” All hell started to break loose.

PEW got the rage-face on and asked me what I had said as Psycho-SIL (PP) was listening intently to me respond, calmly, “I asked him not to make fun of S1’s head and ears. No big deal.” She began to lay into me about how rude and inconsiderate I was. I said nothing as I rose and removed myself to the kitchen. They followed me (PEW and PP). The volume started rising as the both of them launched into a high-volume, expletive-laced tirade about how it was the holidays and how could I embarrass Bro like that and I should have taken him aside (as if that would have mattered).

My voice rose as I bellowed back, “Everyone needs to calm down. This is no big deal. I made a request of Bro, he acknowledged it and apologized, and everyone needs to stop, especially in front of the kids!”

They didn’t stop. Right then, S1 comes toddling into the kitchen followed by PEW’s mother, MM. Uncharacteristic of her, she yells, too, with S1 standing right there, “All I know is that I can’t stand any more of this fucking bullshit and everyone better stop it!”

At that point, I had nothing more to say. I forget if it was PEW, PP or both of them – I was then ordered to leave. As I looked around the room and no one stepped up to say, “HOLY CRAP, THIS IS A COMPLETE OVER-REACTION” – I kept my mouth shut, walked out of the kitchen, donned my coat, kissed the boys, and left. I got in my car and I drove home on Christmas Day 2001 and spent it watching television alone…

…because I asked someone to stop making fun of my son.

I was ejected from Christmas! I was pissed beyond all reason, but the time alone saw that subside and I just decided that was enough. I wasn’t going to discuss the matter. Lo and behold, I got the silent treatment for most of the rest of the holiday season.

I can’t recall what precipitated this IMversation which occurred on 1/3/2002, based on my re-read, we must have had a serious discussion about things in the day or so prior to it which is when I likely broached the subject of bipolar disorder. Her older brother is diagnosed bipolar (treated and manages it very well last I heard). He had an episode or two a handful of years earlier. Her sister, PP, is diagnosed bipolar and generally was a complete uncontrollable mess during this time (untreated still as far as I know). Further, I had been researching it as the behaviors sort-of matched, and I was feeling like I was reaching my breaking point. So I confronted her about my suspicions. If you’ve read my post titled “When Psycho Sisters Attack“ – you’ll further understand the depths of my fears that these two primarily parent the children when in PEW’s custody.

PEW: got a minute
LM: Yep.
PEW: i just want to make sure before I make the appointment to see a Psychiatrist that we are on the same page
LM: k
PEW: so if the Doctor says that I am “normal”…..we can part ways….amicably??
LM: We’ll see.
PEW: well i need more than we’ll see……i mean that’s pretty much what you’ve been saying all along
LM: Sure.
PEW: sure?
LM: Yep.
PEW: i don’t understand what you are saying
LM: Sure, if you aren’t diagnosed with anything, you go ahead and file. I’ll have been wrong in my beliefs that it can be fixed and you do what you need to do.
PEW: well I can go ahead and file now…..
LM: You sure can.
PEW: the piece that’s missing is your cooperation
LM: There is nothing that I can do to stop you from filing.
—————

How much more “blessing” does she need? I told her to see a psychiatrist of my choosing. If after going through some meaningful therapy she was given a clean bill of mental health – I would give her a divorce.

—————
PEW: i need that so that I can get my half of the house and move etc…. i can’t move with NO money
LM: We’ll do whatever the judge says.
PEW: well I can’t get legal aid unless I move out
LM: Unless ordered by a judge, I will not continue to further bury the family financially.
PEW: i’m kind of in a pinch here
LM: Well, selling the house for you to file for divorce isn’t an option. Sorry. Borrow it from your dad or something. He’ll get his money back when the judge makes us liquidate.
PEW: well then i’ll have to move in with my parents. there isn’t any other option because I can’t get legal aid while we live together and it’s going to be a mess
LM: Sorry.
PEW: it’s a shame really. it’s only one month sooner than I originally said. what’s the problem
LM: Yeah, it’s a shame.
—————

Okay, now after all of these years of badgering me for a divorce, I essentially give her a yellow-light with a green-light pending, and she has a host of demands that I should just willingly go along with so that she can do it with as much ease and without financial burden as possible. Yeah, okay.

—————
PEW: why would you want to be married to a “crazy” anyway
LM: I love you.
PEW: well, I love you too, but #1….I am not going to married to someone who thinks I am Bipolar….
LM: IF you have an illness of some sort, you’re not “crazy.”
PEW: #2 ….I’m not going to be married to someone who is so unpredictable…..
LM: Fine.
PEW: #3…I can’t be married to someone who is at odds with my family
LM: Okay. I’m not at odds with your family.
PEW: you’ you’re not?
LM: Your family is at odds with me because they can’t deal with being told not to make fun of the children.
PEW: yeah. well listen…..I’m not going to the Psychiatrist because, the same thing will be accomplished by me moving in with my parents
—————

Yes, it sure will. Hindsight seems to indicate that you never should have left your parents home. Ever. Between wanting to move our family on top of them to always running and leaving to go stay with them, it was clear that’s where she wanted to be, though Lord only knows why.

—————
LM: No it won’t.
PEW: yeah…it will
LM: And be assured, you’re not moving in with your parents with the boys.
PEW: we’ll go to court….and a judge will decide. what are you going to do. you can’t stop me
LM: I’ll file for custody of the children, ask for an immediate judgement because I can’t have my children living under the same roof with an alcoholic.
PEW: well i’ll just tell the judge that you wouldn’t move out…..so I had to
LM: Nor can I have them exposed to the periodic visits from somebody who is suffering from a mental illness, is prone to violence and stalking, and has tried to kill herself
PEW: he isn’t going to take the kids from me because of my family
LM: Yes, he will. Count on it..
—————

Foolish me believing that would matter. Obviously, based on my post from the other day, none of the (3) custody evaluators, armed with that knowledge, even from PEW’s own mouth and writings… seemed to think that was detrimental to the children, so what the hell do I know?

—————
PEW: you’re prone to violence too. don’t try to scare me LM
LM: I’m not.
PEW: whatever happens ….happens…..i think you’re mentally ill…..i also think you are an alcoholic
LM: Now, this conversation is over. You have your answer.
PEW: so they are better off with me
LM: I refuse to argue with you anymore on any topic.
PEW: well….i’m moving to my parents house
LM: Okay.
PEW: you leave me no other choice
LM: I won’t be home for lunch. I’m going directly to the courthouse. Sorry, you leave me no choice.
PEW: well if you would move out for one month…..
LM: No.
PEW: it would save us both alot of heartache
LM: No it wouldn’t.
PEW: well then i won’t move in with my parents….i’ll take that discover card with the $15000 limit and charge an apartment
LM: If you don’t want to be near me, and your parents is the only place you can go… then you can go there when I get home from work for a month.
PEW: NO. i’m not leaving my kids. no way
LM: Nor am I.
PEW: you can move in with one of your brothers for ONE month
LM: Sorry.
PEW: while we sort this out. you are so mean
—————

There I am again. Mean old me, the big meanie because I won’t do as she commands again. Bastard!

—————
LM: No, I’m not. I only talk to you nicely at home. I’ve told you to do what you feel you need to do. And that is all I have to say on the matter pending a visit to a doctor.
PEW: well i’m not going because after that you’ll just come up with something else. you need the Psychiatrist
LM: Okay… bye-bye.
PEW: if you asked me for a divorce….you’d have it. the discover card it is then
LM: Good luck. It’s in your name. Don’t abuse it.
PEW: so what…i’ll get $30000 when the house sells
LM: You wish. We’ll take a bath on that, too.
PEW: i only need about $2500. no…we won’t. the house is worth about $230000. Plus i’ll get 1/2 of your retirement. both [401K-1] and [401K-2]
LM: lol
PEW: you’re a rotten person
LM: You’ve got it all worked out, don’t you? See ya.
PEW:not really
—————

Isn’t that interesting? Yet another example of how she has all the financials figured out while incessantly accusing me of “only being about the money.” It’s the fallback of many disgruntled ex’s. If you want the children, it must only be because you don’t want to pay child support. It must only be because you want to keep the house “for yourself.” Well, unfortunately, people can’t argue one side of that coin without considering that the other side of that coin has just as much merit. Mothers who want custody of their children must only want them because of the income… the assets… the cars… etc. Classic projection.

I said one sentence at Christmas and I’m the one at odds with her family. I got “thrown-out” of Christmas Holiday, but I’m the one at odds with her family. Half of her family had a meltdown but it’s me. That whole family is a pack of sick people.

Nice pick, eh? Pure genius.

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PEW Reverses Course – Apologizes

Not that it matters. On the heels of yesterday’s post, I had received another antagonizing email from PEW. It was short & simple:

LM,

So you’re not going to get a land line then or let the boys have a cell phone? I want to be clear when I file, so can you please confirm?

~PEW

No reply. An hour later, 7:00AM, I get this:

LM,

I’m not filing a petition at this time. I apologize if my tone was accusatory. I’m sure the situation is difficult for you at times. It is for me too. I worry constantly about the kids when they are not with me and honestly, they have been upset alot lately for many reasons and that concerns me. It makes me very emotional about the situation because I don’t know what to do to help them, aside from asking for another evaluation, which I really don’t want to do. They love you very much and I know it would be better for them if instead of us fighting it out in court, we were able to work things out for them somehow without all the ugliness. The phone thing is a valid concern. I’m not asking you to put out the money, I can get them a phone.

Again, I apologize for my tone and insulting DW. Trying to be nice after three years of nastiness is new territory for me. I’m sure the boys complain about me too at times.

I don’t have what it takes right now to go back to court, it’s way to draining. I just feel like I’m up against a wall and it’s the only threat I have, but I’m sure that my saying that is upsetting. Sorry.

~PEW

Without the history laid out before you, this might be an apology from any normal, sane person worthy of acceptance. I must tell you, an email like this is as rare as a sighting of Bigfoot. In fact, in the last 4-years since the initiation of the divorce, I can’t think of a single one.

The apology email is bizarre on so many levels. At 6:00AM, she’s still fired up and engaging. An hour later – a complete course reversal with a heartfelt apology that, on the surface, seems sincere. It’s not. As always, it won’t be long before the next issue as she sees it will start the cycle over again. The apology is also an effort to have me engage her further, to let my guard down, to perhaps lower my boundaries. It won’t happen. Now we’re kindred spirits, struggling in the aftermath of a difficult divorce and custody situation. The honest truth is that the only part of this that is far and away the leader in difficulty – is the interaction between me and the PEW. Literally, we have almost no need to discuss anything together aside from issues relating to the children – and not those that are imagined, embellished, or are otherwise complete fiction created in her own mind.

I don’t know what to do to help them, aside from asking for another evaluation…

Among other line-items, this one sticks out like a sore thumb. Repeating myself, as usual, there is that telling quote again. “I don’t know what to do.” Of course, her answer is, defer to someone else… a custody evaluator. If it’s a problem at school, she doesn’t know what to do and she’ll defer to someone else… a teacher or guidance counselor. If it is a minor health issue, she doesn’t know what to do and she’ll defer to someone else… the doctor. If it is a problem at home, she doesn’t know what to do and she’ll defer to (and blame) someone else… me. I’m not sure folks understand just how scary those words are when they come from the other parent of your children who has custody 50% of the time. “I don’t know what to do.”

Trying to be nice after 3-years of nastiness is new territory? Trying to be nice after 12+ years of nastiness would be new territory for her. I don’t even need for her to be nice to me. What I need is for her to live her own life. Live it to the fullest when the children aren’t with you. GO! GODSPEED, PEW! When the children are with you, live it to the fullest with them. Do right by them. Help them grow up to be normal, well-adjusted, successful individuals. Don’t bother me unless you absolutely have to. I don’t bother you unless I absolutely have to and I’m perfectly fine with that. No, we’re not going to be buddies. That’s unfortunate, but that’s life. Our history (and your disorders) have sealed that fate.

The questions of her that a person might want to ask after reading this would be:

– Why do you accuse or otherwise intimate that he is abusing the children?

– Why do you feel like your back is up against the wall?

– What the hell is wrong?

I spoke with the children at length on Monday just to try and get a feel for where they are at. Of course, I knew that her concerns and accusations were embellished and/or fabricated. Other than some complaints that one would expect from a near 7YO and a 9YO, there was nothing out of the ordinary. They’re not abused. They’re both doing very well in school. They’re both doing well in scouts (despite the fact that she has done nearly nothing to help them with their achievements). They’re mostly happy. They’re mostly healthy. They’re looking forward to the weather warming up.

It’s inexplicable to me that they are conveying anything to her that is worthy of all of her drama, her concerns, her worry, her fears, etc. Well, except for the fact that they’re now with me half of the time. My bets are exclusively on that. She’s lost that much more control over me, the children, and the situation. She’s been exposed repeatedly in court, so that avenue is not really a realistic one for her going forward. (Though, it likely won’t stop her from trying.) She has “always known” I was “the better parent” and has as much said so in court and in at least one evaluation. If not “the better parent” – an “excellent father” and she “couldn’t ask for a better father.” Yes, those comments get lost under the constant barrage of drug abuse, alcohol abuse, domestic violence, homosexuality, impotence, child-abandonment, deadbeat dad, and all of the other horrible things she says… but they’re in there, too. (Yes, I laughed as I typed that. No, it isn’t really funny.)

No, I’m not proud of that reality. It only serves to cause me more concern. What is she going to do if the children encounter real problems, like doing drugs? She doesn’t know what to do when they are mad that Dad doesn’t let them watch as much TV as they want, or play with inappropriate toys, what the hell is she going to be able to do to effectively parent these children as they grow? Every evaluation we have had has said she has zero problem solving skills and that she only focuses her anger on LM. And yet, here we are, with her still having 50% custody although she doesn’t have the parenting skills to actually parent.

From the custody evaluation #2 – I offer briefs of the conclusion paragraphs for each regarding parenting. This was from nearly 3-years ago and probably provided the fairest and most accurate assessment of each us.

“LM’s bond with S1 and S2 appeared genuine. He is an intense person with a strong work ethic and excellent parenting strengths. He has a history of making long commitments in both work and personal relationships.”

(versus)

“PEW is struggling with adapting to post-divorce life. Further, while her parenting style is materially different from LM, his absence creates a void where the children can and will challenge her authority more vigorously, thus, reducing her effectiveness. Her powerlessness was evident as her problem-solving ability around this issue was stunted.”

Nevermind that my “absence” was created by her choice to walk out and end the marriage after repeated failures to seek or maintain help. Nevermind that my absence was caused by the first custody evaluation where I didn’t get a fair evaluation (her conclusion was the reason I wanted custody was because PEW wouldn’t accept a settlement on the marital home, more details in a future post). Nevermind that my absence was caused by PEW blindsiding me, without justification, for sole custody of the children when we had a working shared parenting situation.

Clearly, this has only gotten worse over the years. Having nothing short of the most basic parenting skill, I would agree, is “materially different.” Still, due to the fact that, at the time, I was 3-1/2 hours away, despite the evaluator’s concerns regarding her lying and her having an untreated, diagnosed bipolar alcoholic living with her and playing a caretaker role in the children’s lives – she still recommended primary custody to PEW! Yep, there are still people out there who will argue that fathers get a fair shake in family court.

———————————————————————–

Later in the evening, the boys wanted to talk some more about how mom has been acting. I won’t get into it all, just something very specific.

They are very worried because mom is again, as she has many times in the past, telling the children not to worry because when they are 12-years old, they will go before the judge and “get to pick” who they want to live with.

This is wrong on so many levels that I don’t need to describe to my primarily normal readers. If you’re not normal, just post a reply and I’ll be happy to explain it to you.

The children are very concerned about this predicament and extremely anxious that mom is talking with them about court issues again.

I told them how to handle it again. Tell her, respectfully, Mom, I asked Dad about this and he reassured me that no judge will make me choose between my parents. Please don’t speak to me about your court issues with dad anymore, I don’t want to hear about it. Please stop telling me I will have to pick who I live with.

S1 also described several situations where he said “…and I know she was lying.” Or, “I’ll tell her one version of how something went, and then it goes through this filter or something, and comes out of her so much worse than what I said!”

The kid knows what’s going on and it isn’t right. It’s really hard carefully trying to explain these things without overtly bad-mouthing mom. I simply told him to “trust his gut” and never be afraid to tell me about anything he has concerns about, even if he’s afraid it will hurt my feelings. It might, but it probably is something we need to discuss anyway and he has to trust that I will not be mad about it, especially if he’s strong enough to approach me about it.

I also offered to openly call PEW and put her on speaker phone with the children and I would explain to her what I had explained to them about their court input (which is completely inaccurate). I explained that if this is really scaring you that bad, we can respectfully confront her about it and ask her to stop telling you that. They told me not to… for now… and that my explanation was clear and they understood.

Sad, but somewhat humorous how children oftentimes “get it” – we spoke about how the little complaints that they tell get processed by mom. We used several recent examples of normal kid-complaints about parents (tv, video games, etc).

I asked them what they thought mom’s conclusion was with each example. I swear to you, unprompted, S1’s response every time was, “Dad is a bad guy.” That was it. “Dad is a bad guy.” No matter what the story was.

When we used examples of normal kid-complaints that they sometimes have with mom and tell me. It was longer and more thought out. “Usually, you point out if we did something that really wasn’t the right choice.” I laughed. “Then you tell us that sometimes moms and dads have to make decisions we don’t like, but because they know better.” I said… “usually.” 😉

Parental Alienation Syndrome, folks. Malicious Mother Syndrome. Whether you like the name or not, it exists. PEW is working YEARS in advance to convince the children that I’m the “bad guy” and when they’re 12-years old they can stroll into court and pick her over me. It’s disgusting.

They’re “getting it” and it makes me sad.

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Safety Concerns and Demanded Actions

Yesterday comes this gem of intelligence in my sizzling inbox:

LM,

Upon further discussion with the boys about safety issues and such, they informed me that you do not have a land line phone in your home. I have issues with this for several reasons and I am offering options:

1. you get a land line.
2. I buy them a pre-paid cell phone.

It’s not safe to NOT have a land line. You can’t dial 911 from a cell phone and have have it traced.

Also, this is my second request for your address in [locality]. I told you before I lost it.

~PEW

That first sentence should probably read “upon further interrogation.”

We’re getting to a point where the frequency and tone are becoming a nuisance. I almost have a good mind to resend the email regarding low-contact again. I’ll give her credit, though, it is technically a “matter of concern” pertaining to the children, so I think it would do well to answer it. I won’t make fun of it as much as I do here, but I will be factual and to the point.

She is giving me my orders. Ooops, I mean “options.”

Option 1: Get a land line. My guess is PEW doesn’t realize that the children can read and we have the address posted where they can access it should there be an emergency and they dial 911 from one of our two cellphones. Also, I’m still going to plug in a landline phone because I understand some phone companies do leave a dial-tone on a line and if there is one, 9-1-1 will work.

Option 2: She buys them a prepaid cellphone. She can, but it won’t be welcome here. That’s way too much unfettered access to the children and it doesn’t make sense when my cellphone sits out on the table when home and DW also has a cellphone that is readily accessible. Further, if 9-1-1 can’t trace directly to a cellphone, how does buying them a cellphone fix that? I’ve read far too many horror-stories about what happens when you have a PEW and a cellphone for the children is involved. Way too many.

It’s not safe to be without a land line? Since when? Hundreds of thousands of people across this country and the world have ditched land lines and standard phone service in the name of cellphones, VoIP, satellite, cable, etc. communications. It must be because we’re all risk-takers who like to live on the edge of danger!

So, here is my reply:

PEW,

I appreciate your concerns.

– I have posted our address and the children know how to dial 9-1-1 from the cellphone and how to communicate our location if an emergency arises.

– Address: [This is my address]

– Regarding your threat on the “right of first refusal.” When a situation arises that I am required to contact you – I do. I will continue to do so. However, please be assured that I know every single time you fail to follow the court order and keep a log of same, including the 2-days last week when your sister watched them when I was available and you failed to notify me first. Since we’re on the topic of safety, her watching the children alone was and will continue to be a safety concern of my own.

~LM

Yes, I did add in the commentary on the “ROFR” because she’ll respond to it. Given that she is allegedly amassing all of this “evidence” as to why the shared parenting arrangement isn’t working – I’ll need to be prepared to counter it, unfortunately. Is it provocative? Yes, but before you “give it to me” – please keep in mind that Aunt PP is diagnosed bipolar disorder, with a history of drug and alcohol abuse, suicide threats and at least one attempted suicide, physical abuse against the children (one documented), and to the best of my knowledge remains untreated for any of it even today. In fact, at one point during the court proceedings, I wanted it part of the order that neither Aunt PP nor PEW’s father be permitted to watch the children alone. I was denied. So much for “the best interests of the children.” The reason? Her family is her “support system.” No, I’m not kidding.

Her reply:

LM,

That is unacceptable. You keep the phone on your belt at all times. What if you are the person they need the police to protect them from? Plus, I know you are not always present….then what? they don’t have access to a phone when they are with your girlfriend. Pick one of the two options I gave you or we can let Judge Contempt decide AGAIN.

As far as keeping a log….I have one too and you HAVE NOT notified me when you are supposed to. Both kids have been home sick with DW (who is a creep) AND you left them with someone on New Years Eve (teenagers), in spite of the fact that their mother was begging you daily to bring them home.

I gave this 50/50 thing six months like I said I would. This situation sucks for the boys and I’m thinking that ANOTHER evaluation is in order. If you wanted it to work, you’d be working with me and YOU DON’T. You’re the only one who can keep us out of court. I want our kids to have a phone. Work with me or I’ll see you in court again.

~PEW

What the hell does she know? She just pulls stuff out of thin air and then that’s her reality. Cellphones are left on the counter where everyone has access to them. No, I don’t walk around the house with the cellphone on my belt.

The “right of first refusal” wasn’t intended for a sick child home from school or requiring a babysitter for the rare date night (not to mention we were out of state in that particular scenario). Fortunately, the clause gives specific examples, including “when the children have a school day off but the parent does not” – which is a specific item I can point to as a violation of the order. It also includes work travel, a significant family illness, or other emergency situation. As I read it, and in true BPD fashion, it could stand a little tightening up, it appears. As usual, she will exploit every loophole to create her chaos. I’m supposing it will need to cite exclusions (like a child’s sickness or a date night) or specify some period of time (more than 6-hours or something). Time and her next petition will tell.

Notice how “working with me” is my doing as she says without question? How much control over a prepaid cellphone does she think the children will have? Even if I were to permit it here, it would go on the counter right next to the others. She has absolutely no sense.

Now DW is a creep. When she’s not allegedly abusive towards the children… all PEW wants is for her to love them. Then she’s a creep. Then she is the “normal one.” Then she is the one who has the balls in the relationship. Then she’s a freak. Whatever, PEW, make up your frigging mind.

Her last email was followed shortly thereafter with this:

LM,

P.S. Starting this week we will make door to door exchanges. Sunday, you will drop them off at my door. The following week, I will drop them off at your door and so on. [The current exchange point] is less than 3 miles from where you live. It’s 9 miles from my house. Plus I want to see where the kids are living while they’re with you. I am afraid what I will find frankly.

Also, my sister is NOT a dangerous person. The boys love PP, which is more than I can say for DW.

~PEW

No we won’t make door-to-door exchanges. An agreed upon location for child exchanges is in the order, though, at the time we hadn’t picked a place. We mulled over a few options and the current exchange point was agreed upon. I’ll have to dig up the transcript because I think we actually did discuss this openly in front of the judge and it may be in there.

The other thing about this reply is her one “stock reply” regarding her sister. It’s the same reply she always gave when concerns were raised about her ability to be a caretaker in any capacity to the children. “She loves them.” Or, “They love her.” So what? That’s not the issue and I have never questioned either her love for them or their love for her. This issue is her mental illness. The words of custody evaluator #2 still ring in my ears when these concerns were brought up. “With someone suffering from bipolar disorder who remains untreated, it’s not about IF another episode will occur, it’s a matter of WHEN another episode will occur. It’s a dangerous situation in which to leave the children.”

Much to my dismay and despite her assurances to the contrary, CE #2 didn’t follow through on her promise to include that concern in her report nor PEW lying about how PP (at the time) had moved-in with her. CE #2 was furious about that and yet, still failed to put it in the report as she told the both of us she would. Not only that, the cursory mention of PP in the report makes no mention of her untreated bipolar disorder and it’s potential impact on the children.

Since it has now gotten out of control again, I sent:

PEW,

A couple of things:

– I will take this time to remind you that if you cannot contain your anger, foul language, insults, and false accusations & assumptions in your emails, I simply will not reply. If you cannot be civil, you are not entitled to a response. If there is an urgent or relevant matter pertaining to the children and you can be civil, you will get a reply.

– We will not do door-to-door exchanges. The order is clear – an agreed upon exchange point. We agreed that the exchange point was to be [current exchange point] and is what we have been doing.

If you cannot control your language and tone, please don’t bother replying because you will not receive another response to any emails that are not civil.

~LM

UNCLE! I’ve had enough.

LM,

Please give me an example of “anger, foul language, insults, and false accusations & assumptions” from my last email.

I will read the order again with regard to exchange points, however [exchange point] is not a halfway point. AND I want to see where the kids live while their with you. We can pick exchange points near my house and near your place if you want, but [exchange point] is not halfway

You are not in charge here…you don’t even have the courtesy to re-imburse me for the medical after 6 months. Let’s review….first of all….I COULD have fought this arrangement, but I decided to give it a try (and the kids hate it). Second, I let you basically keep $3000 in your pocket for the year in child support (and why did I do this? because I’m so evil and vindictive) Third, after you totally screwed me and the kids over at Christmastime…..I dropped the hearing. And Fourth, there are a million and ten things in between October and now that are totally unacceptable and too numerous to mention…but I have my little book at home to give to the evaluator. Do you want to do this again or do you want to start doing the RIGHT thing? I’m not threatening you…I’m giving you the straight deal….I will and always have TRIED to do what’s right for the boys and you make it impossible.

The matter is urgent because I am seriously considering engaging in another custody evaluation after living with this situation for since October, it’s painfully clear to me (and to the boys) that they are not the priority in your life. I’m not trying to insult you or curse or accuse or make assumptions….I am merely basing my decisions on the information I have….and it’s not good.

The next move is yours. I hope you tell me which option you’re choosing…..cell phone or land line? That’s the priority for today. Then we’ll go from there. Your decision is going to effect my decision.

~PEW

Wow. Where do I start? No, I don’t respond to her.

– The exchange point. This is important to her. The distance she is talking about is a mere 3-miles (at most, as usual, her math is off). This is approximately 3-minutes drive. The exchange point is a very safe location and was an option offered her and she accepted. Remember my stories about a BPD never agreeing to anything, even if they agree to it? This is a prime example. “Do you want to do [exchange point]?” Her reply was, “Oh, sure! That’s right near where I work. That will be just fine.”

– She couldn’t have “fought it” and she didn’t have a choice to “give it a try” despite her delusion that this is somehow a test that she has permitted. The court order was specific. If employment and housing arrangements could be made, I would be granted 50/50 custody after a short hearing. It was that explicit. It won’t be changing because PEW doesn’t like the arrangement.

– She isn’t allowing me to keep any amount of money. Let’s make something perfectly clear, she didn’t pay any childcare for 3 straight summers. Also, on two occasions I settled allowing her out of a reduction in my child support because her attorney was going to litigate. Though I would have won, the amount in question is what it would have cost me in attorney’s fees to win something that was a foregone conclusion. What the support agreement was, was a deal between the two of us. Had she chosen to litigate it, there was a strong likelihood (given a previous hearing) that an exception would have been made which would have seen the child support reduced to less than $100/month. I agreed to pay 4x that to avoid the possibility that the exception wouldn’t be applied again. Had it been, I wouldn’t have been able to afford this arrangement. The amount of money on top of the rather substantial child support I have paid dating back to 2004 – is probably in excess of $8,000 between forfeiting credits that I was entitled to and her not being made to pay her portion of childcare when the children were with me.

– We all know that the circumstances surrounding Christmas was nothing more than me following the order, her paying her penalty for contempt of court, and her not liking it. Nothing more, nothing less.

– She gave me two receipts totaling $40 in February. I paid her in March. Not 6-months. 1 month. One receipt is from November 29th. The other was from mid-December. 6-months haven’t even passed since the time she took them to the doctor the first time.

She’s not threatening me. But if I don’t do as she demands, she’s going to take me back to court. No surprise there. Time to start getting my documentation in order again.

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The Psycho Ex-Wife Has No Soul. None. 11/29/2001

Later in the day after the events of 11/28/2001, I learned that my grandmother (paternal) had passed away after a long stay in hospice. A combination of a stroke and alzheimer’s disease really had wiped out any memories that she had of us, but she hung in there a lot longer than many in her situation would. She was a tough cookie and I have many fond memories at their home. Especially the food!

One might believe that suffering such a substantial loss would give even the coldest of hearts pause, at least long enough to stop the unending harassment and abusiveness. Not the PEW. Nothing could stop her desire to lay down an assault.

I spent a good portion of my day coordinating with family the arrangements that would be forthcoming. I initiate contact here to keep PEW appraised of the expected schedule for services and burial of grandmom.

LM: Hi
PEW: hi
LM: Here’s the lowdown…
PEW: ok
LM: MJM called and told me to be at [The Funeral Home] between 8:30 and 8:45 AM. Viewing from 9AM – 10AM
PEW: ok
LM: Mass at [The Church] (up the street) at 10:30AM. Lunch/Bereavement “Party” at [The Restaurant] right after. Whatever that means.
PEW: ok
LM: He told me flowers were “taken care of” as well as a rosary from the grandchildren which will be placed inside the coffin.
PEW: oh really?
LM: That’s what he said.
PEW: ok. did you change the paypal email address
—————

Huh? Hey, PEW, my grandmother died. Here are the arrangements. All you care about is what email address is tied to PayPal?

She couldn’t care less. Still, I answer.

—————
LM: Yes. To Hotmail.
PEW: ok
LM: Since we ping it there anyway. And I wasn’t getting all of the notifications to hotmail.
PEW: i know. this S2 is soooo cute. PP (psycho SIL) told me she could handle both kids. what do you think? my mom will be home sometime in the morning. but i’m not sure what time. i don’t know what to do
LM: I dunno. I really don’t think so.
—————

I believe I’ve mentioned before that unstable PP watching the children on her own was a constant bone of contention. I hedge here a bit, but only because I’m in no frame of mind to argue about it at the moment.

—————
PEW: is ZM going? oh
LM: But now she’ll think something.
PEW: hmmm. what should i do
LM: Not good. Shouldn’t have mentioned it to her yet. Unless she just offered?
PEW: i just asked her watch S2 because he’s still strange with people. well she called this morning and said she heard. asked me who was going to babysit
LM: Oh. Darn it.
PEW: i said I didn’t know yet. well….we have the cell phone.
—————

Another classic PEW tactic wasn’t just relegated to the children. I’m set up to be the bad guy. My memory is fuzzy, but earlier this particular year (I think) was the year that PP attempted suicide. So now, everyone was walking on eggshells for fear of driving PP into another suicide attempt. In PEW’s mind, it was safer to let a suicidal, diagnosed bipolar sister who didn’t do anything to help herself watch our children than it was to upset her by saying no. Of course, telling her “I don’t know yet” meant – “I’ll ask LM and he’ll say no and then you can rail against him.”

—————
PEW:i’ll call my mom shortly and see what time she’s coming home. i mean if she’s gonna be home at like 9 it’s no big deal
LM: k
PEW: i could call SS and see if she would take S1….. and i’ll just tell PP (psycho SIL) that SS misses him
LM: k
PEW: is that what I should do?
LM: Give it a shot.
PEW: oh man, i gotta change this baby
LM: She’ll prolly be too busy. Okay, talk to you later.
PEW: he stinks soooooo bad. you call her. i barely ever talk to them. wait till i talk to my mom
LM: k
PEW: my mom may decide to come down tomorrow. after work. bye. oh yes….. and one more thing…..
LM: ?
PEW: I am not ungrateful…. i am happy alot of the time…. but if my memory serves me, we’ve fought about this before. about the flowers for the anniversary or birthday or whatever
—————

She’s relentless. I just want to make arrangements regarding my grandmother’s services and burial, she wants to concern herself with PayPal email addresses and argue more about the Anniversary thing. For chrissakes, my grandmother just died! Shut the hell up about your Anniversary expectations!

So, I ask her nicely to stop…

—————
LM: I would really like a moratorium on discussing this. I promise I won’t miss it again in the future. I can’t go back and change the past. And I only pray that that will be enough to move on.
PEW: well….something isn’t sinking in
LM: Okay, I guess you just won’t stop. So, I’d like a moratorium on discussing this until after my Grandmother is buried. Would that be okay with you?
PEW: that’s fine, but please tell me why would your grandmother dying have anything to do with anything. oh….i know….because it’s convenient for you
—————

Good Lord. Most people would probably think that this is a complete work of fiction. I assure you, it is not. It also gets worse.

—————
LM: I just don’t feel like arguing during the course of the next few days. There are more important things to concern ourselves with.
PEW: like what
LM: But now you’re going to bastardize that, too, because you just… can’t… stop.
PEW: BASTARDIZE WHAT?
LM: Telling me that I’m using my grandmom’s death because it is “convenient” for me. What is convenient is I have no desire to argue about this anymore. I am wrong. I will try to do better in the future. And allowing you a forum to continue to needle me accomplishes nothing. But since you won’t stop, I suppose I will have to log off again.
—————

I’m not sure why I thought being patronizing would stop her. I just wanted her to stop. I took a shot that taking full responsibility for the egregious action of buying her a gold watch instead of flowers for our Anniversary would help. It didn’t.

By the way, as was often the case – I got nothing for our Anniversary. PEW is one of “those women” who thinks that gift-giving on such occasions is something only the man has to do.

————–
PEW: no i will….but don’t expect me to act like I believe that you are admitting that you did anything wrong. your grandmother dying doesn’t change the way I feel… sorry
LM: Yes, I understand. Another lose-lose.
PEW: i’ll log off
LM: If I say I’m wrong and apologize… it just isn’t enough.
PEW: yeah….remember i was supposed to buy you flowers. remember. so…if you thought you were wrong, why not say it back thenb
LM: What I think you should have done has no bearing on my admitting I was wrong. You wanted flowers, I didn’t get them. I just don’t appreciate the “one-way” street where your concerned.
PEW: what one way street?
LM: WE celebrate our anniversary as TWO people.
PEW: that’s such bullshit
—————

Of course it’s BS. It’s always about her. What she wants. What she desires. What she deserves. To hell with everyone else.

—————
LM: So, therefore, when you go spouting off about what you should have gotten, I see no reason why I shouldn’t be entitled to the same thing.
PEW: yeah and I do alot of shit for you that other women don’t do on a daily basis for their husbands
LM: That thought doesn’t change the fact that I should have gotten you flowers. Okay. Now, that is the end of it. I have nothing more to say on the subject.
PEW: well i’ve told you before if that’s how you feel about the situation then i am in the wrong relationship
LM: I was wrong. I apologize. And I won’t fail again.
PEW: FUCK YOU
LM: Grow up, PEW.
PEW: don’t expect me to act like you’re wonderful now because your grandmother died, fuck you
—————

Nice talk. She’s a frigging demon. She is.

—————
LM: You’re unconscionable.
PEW: no you are. i’m sick of you
LM: I just want you to leave me be for a few days. That’s all.
PEW: yes i know because you’re greiving
LM: But you are just SO mean and vindictive, you can’t even respect that.
PEW: give me a fucking break
LM: So, thank you. You can stay the hell home. We don’t need a babysitter. I don’t want you there. Because you can’t stop being mean for two stinking days. And then go back to it afterwards. I didn’t say “treat me nice.” I didn’t say “forgive me.” I didn’t say “I didn’t do nothing wrong” and I didn’t say “forget about what happened.” I asked, nicely, for a simple moratorium, and you couldn’t do that. What a shame.
—————

And stay home she did.

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Holding Hands is CHILD ABUSE!

Continuing now from Friday’s post…

The escalation is underway due to my decision not to respond to her earlier unprovoked, mindless, antagonistic email from the 20th.

This very morning I received another email from PEW and she is raising the level of antagonism in order to prompt a reply. As tough as it is, one will not be forthcoming. There are some things in there that I’d like to address, but as with most issues – she really doesn’t care and there is no explanation that would satisfy her alleged concerns. There never was.

To satisfy my compulsion to reply, I will break this down afterwards to show you what the replies to each item would be if I were still stuck in “defensive explain myself” mode.

LM,

you still haven’t responded about monday? the court order says I have the “right of first refusal” you’re the guy who put that clause in there….so I suggest you respond in kind.

I am so tired of the bs that has been going on….now they tell me that you said they can’t bring their wrestlers over there??? what the frig are they supposed to do? they’re not allowed to watch tv….no video games…no fun….they have no toys….your girl is mean to them….answer me for God’s sake…do you want to be in court again? because that is what is going to happen soon and this time I am going to INSIST that Judge Contempt talk to these children. LM, I haven’t liked this arrangement from day one and I’ve been collecting evidence of WHY it is not working……….if you want it to stay this way I suggest you consider a few things….did you look at their grades since you came…..on your weeks they do terrible on their tests!!! On my weeks they do great. You are ridiculously strict……they are BOYS…making them hold hands when they fight??? I do NOT want to hear that AGAIN. Who thought of that? That is the gayest thing I have ever heard….S1 is amost 10….for God’s Sake…..what are you trying to do? I have told a dozen people about that and they all said what I was thinking and that is…it’s almost child abuse making a child S1’s age and maturity level hold hands??? I’m not going to let you do this LM. I’ve invested way too much already to just sit back and expect you to be semi-normal…..you’re not. You are really weird and so is your girlfriend. I am not going to let you screw up these boys. If you can’t be sort of normal then you should just go away. I have to say again what I’ve said all along….where are you getting your parenting tips from?? do you even have a mind of your own anymore? You need to grow some balls and tell your girl that you will raise your boys your OWN way….because frankly you’re raising them like “Nancy Boys”…for God’s sake LM what are you thinking??? I’m 99% certain that the only reason DW’s kids are semi normal is because of POE…you need to grow some “you know whats” and parent your OWN kids because they way I see it now is that OUR kids are the “red headed step children”…….and I don’t like it LM. S1 is about two years away from being able to legally decide on his own….and it’s not looking good for you. Do you know that? When he turns 12 he can decide on his own where he wants to be.

I want to know why they complain about DW so much? why does she never hug and kiss them and tell them she loves them?? that’s not because of me LM because I would love nothing more than for her to love them??? What the hell is going on over there? does she hate your children or what?

This is an adult. A mother of two. “Nancy Boys.” “Gayest.” When we speak about Borderline Personality Disorder, we often speak of how their maturity became stunted early on. You can see from the way she handles situations that this is true. You can see from the language she uses, this is true.

Breaking it down…

you still haven’t responded about monday? the court order says I have the “right of first refusal” you’re the guy who put that clause in there….so I suggest you respond in kind.

Yes, actually, I have. You see, the “right of first refusal” clause is in place if I need to secure childcare for some reason (other than an illness or similar). The key point here is if I needed it. I don’t. The ROFR clause doesn’t say I have to keep re-explaining myself. The ROFR clause doesn’t say I have to continue to tell her that I will be home with the children. The ROFR does say that if I needed childcare services (including if DW was going to be watching them), I have to give her the chance to provide that care.

Also – I happen to know for a fact that she has had her sister watch them without having called me first. Interesting how accusatory the guilty can be.

Bottom line – I don’t have to tell her that I am doing the childcare. I only have to tell her when I’m not.

I am so tired of the bs that has been going on….now they tell me that you said they can’t bring their wrestlers over there??? what the frig are they supposed to do? they’re not allowed to watch tv….no video games…no fun….they have no toys….your girl is mean to them….

Last week, a number of things occurred regarding wrestling and their wrestling action figures. I’ve been very clear about her allowing the children to overindulge in WWE wrestling because it’s adult television, not 6YO and 9YO television. It’s just not.

#1 – A near fight ensued during recess where one child asked S1 to perform a dangerous wrestling maneuver on him. That’s right, the kid asked S1 to perform the move on him. Strange, but true.

#2 – When playing with their action figures, they were SLAMMING them down on the tables and hardwood floors. They had repeatedly been warned against doing this. I had no problem with them doing it on the sofa cushions, chair cushions, or their beds – surfaces that don’t sound like repeated gunfire when the action figures are spiked off of them and don’t damage property.

#3 – Which resulted in my banning them from bringing the action figures to the house: the two boys closed the bedroom door and were doing exactly what I had told them not to do – performing wrestling moves on one another. S2 got hurt and was crying.

Now, I cannot control what goes on in her house. I cannot control her inability to discipline. I can only control what goes on in our home and I think that the boys’ repeated warnings over the course of the last few months were more than enough.

As for the rest – no, we don’t have video games. They get enough at her house. They have toys. They have radio controlled cars and trucks. We have games. We have loads of books. They watch enough television (just not WWE and “Cops” and that trash). They have fun.

What I think the problem is here is that they also have responsibilities. They also have consequences for their actions (both good and bad). That probably makes my home less fun for them. Too bad.

I pray that this course of discipline will not upset any readers, resulting in email explanations about how banning their WWE action figures will stifle their upbringing or otherwise upset the balance of nature.

answer me for God’s sake…

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – this is precisely what it’s about. Her. No one else.

do you want to be in court again? because that is what is going to happen soon and this time I am going to INSIST that Judge Contempt talk to these children. LM, I haven’t liked this arrangement from day one and I’ve been collecting evidence of WHY it is not working……….if you want it to stay this way I suggest you consider a few things….

We’re well aware that it has been quite a long time (at least in our terms) since we have been to court. DW and I have discussed that we anticipate that this period of no-court should be coming to an end soon. Here come her threats again.

did you look at their grades since you came…..on your weeks they do terrible on their tests!!! On my weeks they do great.

I have no idea what she is talking about.

#1 – Almost everything I have seen has been fantastic and nothing has been poor. Both boys have been doing extremely well in school.

#2 – With exception of spelling tests, what PEW doesn’t get is that most testing occurs early in the following week after schoolwork, homework, and study. Even if what she claims was factual (and it’s not) – PEW, genius that she is, doesn’t realize that the test results that occur in her week are based on work and study that happened the prior week.

#3 – I’ve gotten nothing but good reports from the teachers.

#4 – Their 2nd-marking period grades (both children) improved over their first marking period grades. 50/50 shared custody began… right at the beginning of the 2nd-marking period. PLUS physical incidents have dramatically decreased overall, and only ONE has occurred during my custody time. Why? Because there are consequences.

You are ridiculously strict……they are BOYS…making them hold hands when they fight??? I do NOT want to hear that AGAIN. Who thought of that? That is the gayest thing I have ever heard….S1 is amost 10….for God’s Sake…..what are you trying to do? I have told a dozen people about that and they all said what I was thinking and that is…it’s almost child abuse making a child S1’s age and maturity level hold hands??? I’m not going to let you do this LM. I’ve invested way too much already to just sit back and expect you to be semi-normal…..you’re not.

This is really too funny for words. A buddy of ours, our business attorney actually, gave me this idea. He’s used it for a while and has had extremely positive results – and I actually strongly recommend this to any parent. When the kids are fighting and are not responding to warnings to cease and desist, I intervene. No beatings. No threats. No punishments. I don’t take anything away. What do I do? I tell them that since they are treating each other so poorly, they need to hold hands for 5-minutes.

I’ve used nothing before nor since that has defused a situation as fast. It has never lasted 5-minutes. What happens is, they stop what they are doing, join hands, sometimes grudgingly, sometimes with me, and sometimes with me just sitting on the chair next to them with a big grin on my face. They look at each other. Then, they crack up laughing. Fight over. No aggravation between them or for us. All is typically forgotten.

QUICK! SOMEBODY GRAB A PHONE AND CALL CHILD PROTECTIVE SERVICES!!!

I’m guessing from her language that she believes this course of action will turn them homosexual or something. Here also is another flip-flop between “they are babies” and “they are mature.” Whatever suits her argument at the moment is what they are.

You are really weird and so is your girlfriend. I am not going to let you screw up these boys. If you can’t be sort of normal then you should just go away. I have to say again what I’ve said all along….where are you getting your parenting tips from?? do you even have a mind of your own anymore? You need to grow some balls and tell your girl that you will raise your boys your OWN way….because frankly you’re raising them like “Nancy Boys”…for God’s sake LM what are you thinking??? I’m 99% certain that the only reason DW’s kids are semi normal is because of POE…you need to grow some “you know whats” and parent your OWN kids because they way I see it now is that OUR kids are the “red headed step children”…….and I don’t like it LM. S1 is about two years away from being able to legally decide on his own….and it’s not looking good for you. Do you know that? When he turns 12 he can decide on his own where he wants to be.

This was a tough read. From where I’m sitting, it seems that she is saying that our children are not normal. She is also delusional again because:

– Other than the few times during exchanges from years ago, I can count on one hand how many times she has had any interaction with DW’s children (and that was relegated to “hi” from outside of a car.)

– She has never met POE and has no idea what he is like. None. Not one shred of information.

– POE’s household is run with the same rules as ours, so DW’s children behave so well because they know what to expect. They have never been in trouble at school, never hit someone, and both received awards including the Principal’s Award and Citizenship Award at school. According to the PEW, the fact that we have them 50% of the time should make them awful children like she perceives ours to be apparently.

– This is a quality example of her uncanny ability to try to strike deep into your soul with her vitriolic attacks. Her viciousness has never known boundaries. I don’t have any balls of my own. Everything I do is based upon what DW wants. I don’t know how to parent. *yawn* More threats. Surprise, surprise.

I want to know why they complain about DW so much? why does she never hug and kiss them and tell them she loves them?? that’s not because of me LM because I would love nothing more than for her to love them??? What the hell is going on over there? does she hate your children or what?

DW loves the children and is very concerned for their well-being. Both of us let the others’ children take the lead on hugs and kisses so as not to make anyone feel uncomfortable. DW’s children are quite affectionate to me. Not all the time, but plenty. S2 is generally about the same level of affectionate with DW. S1, though, while a very affectionate person, is very rarely affectionate towards DW. It’s not overt, but I think it’s because he is afraid that he is somehow harming mom. If DW were to force these things on the children, we have no doubts there would be accusations of sexual or other abuse. It’s another clear no-win situation. Unfortunately, given past experiences, we have to stay on the legally safe side regarding physical interactions.

Given what you read, there is clearly parental alienation going on, so it’s no surprise that one or both of my children would be leery of showing too much affection towards DW (especially). DW is always congratulatory for their accomplishments. She is always available to help with anything. She is always caring whether they are healthy or suffering from some illness. She is more involved in making sure the children are enrolled in healthy activities than their own mother. Funny how PEW doesn’t want DW watching the children on the day they have off from school, yet we are to believe that she only wants DW to love the children. Delusional.

What I think the above represents is her fantasy. She sees things how they wish they would be out of an intense fear that she is “not a good parent” or doing something “not as well” as perhaps I do things. In order to compensate for her own shortcomings, she has to believe that I am so much worse than her and then it manifests itself in her delusional email diatribes.

I really do want to respond to her, specifically with regard to the WWE issue again, because all of my fears about their overexposure to that show are coming to pass. The problem is, she would totally disregard that reality because allowing the boys to watch that makes her “the better parent” in her eyes, and of course, at times in their eyes, too.

What she really needs to do is stop interrogating the children when they are with her. They’re only going to be inclined to give her the answers she wants to hear which then prompts her attack-emails.

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Unprovoked, Mindless, Antagonistic Email from PEW – 3/20/2008

Easter Monday, the boys have off from school. I don’t. However, I have the luxury of working from wherever I happen to have an internet connection and can access the company. I am still required to be on-site for typically half the month (more if circumstances require) – but even on days where I’m scheduled to be on site, my supervisor has no problem with me working from “home” (wherever that may be at the time) when something comes up. Next week, DW will not be with me. If she were, she would undoubtedly be home with the boys as she has done on many occasions before. Lately, much of that has been caring for one or the other as they have been sick the last 4-weeks that I have had them.

Given that this year is PEW’s Easter, I had inquired as to how to handle the exchange this coming weekend. Options offered were:

– We exchange later than normal on Sunday night.
– If she had off from work on Monday, she could keep them until exchange time on Monday.
– We exchange in the morning before work. (The exchange location is very close to her workplace, so it’s actually pretty convenient.)

She chose the last option. We both agreed in writing to it as required by the court order. This occurred last week.

Out of nowhere yesterday, this arrives in my inbox:

LM,

If your plan is to have DW watch the boys on Monday, then I’d just as soon stay home from work. I don’t know what’s going on with the two of you over there, but let me just tell you that you need to watch your temper. I’m not going to tolerate the kids being “terrified” by you. They are not to be told “what happens here is none of mom’s business”, because it IS my business, just the same as what goes on at my house is YOUR business. That’s how we keep things as NORMAL as possible. If the 50/50 thing is too much for you or it’s not working out, let me know and we can work out some alternative arrangement.

Get your girlfriend in check too. The two of you are NOT doing the boys any favors by living here two weeks per month if it’s that much of an imposition, don’t do it.

~PEW

This came to me at lunch yesterday. I have no clue what prompted it. None. No idea whatsoever. The kids had a great week. They had a fun weekend. There were no problems at all. There are certainly no problems between DW and I.

I guess it’s been too long and you can see she is fishing for an engagement. This happens when you are “low-contact“ with a psycho ex-wife.

*IGNORE*

It’s also quite a bit of projection again. This is from the woman who:

– Told the children not to tell me that PP (the psycho SIL) continues to stay overnights and babysit them on occasion.

– Told them not to discuss the sleeping arrangements when she or her sister sleep in the same bed as the boys.

– Told them not to tell me when the crazy neighbor kid (alleged friend) next door shot one or both of them with bb-guns on several different occasions… something I predicted would happen several years ago when I discovered that these children (my boys’ ages) play violent gun video games, have an arsenal of toy guns that would make the Marines jealous, act violently towards the kids and their own parents… I mean, what type of parent buys a 5 and 8 year old bb-guns for chrissakes?

Ah, my list is long and repetitive. You get the picture.

Many of my readers are in eerily similar situations. If you haven’t lived it, you can hardly imagine what it is like to go through your life having little choice but to interact with a PEW (or in some readers’ cases, a PEH). When you have no choice but to go to no-contact or low-contact, it’s up to you. When you do make that decision, it doesn’t stop the other side from attempting to contact you. You simply have to decide if it really merits a response. Most contacts, like this one, do not. They only serve to antagonize. They only serve to elicit a response, which is usually defensive. When you realize that it is not rooted in reality and will only serve to escalate the situation – you realize that no reply is necessary. This email serves no useful purpose other than satisfy her attempt to start a fight and do so for no particular reason.

It’s a shame that her life has been relegated to these meaningless, purposeless attempts to interact with me. I just want her to leave us alone unless a specific situation of importance regarding the children arises. She is simply incapable of doing that. Sucks for us.

Predictably, my no-contact prompted an escalation from here. Just click for the follow-up…

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Laying the Groundwork to Destroy Another Christmas (2001)

We normally decorate for the Christmas Holiday right after Thanksgiving Day. I’ll go up in the attic and drag down everything for both the interior and the exterior of the house. It is a lot. I used to risk life and limb to climb up onto the roof of the house and lay out all the lights. I won’t say it was as aggressive as Clark Griswold’s efforts in the Vacation movies, but it would prompt a good-natured ribbing from friends and family.

Today’s episode lays out the effort of PEW who predictably begins laying the groundwork for another miserable Christmas season. What starts off as a question about a doctor’s appointment quickly descends into an unholy hellraising over holiday decorating. It was 11/28/2001.

PEW: do you have vacation days left?
LM: I wish, but no.
PEW: great
LM: What’s up?
PEW: well i have to make an appt for the epidural and someone will need to watch the kids
LM: When?
PEW: i don’t know yet, i have to call
LM: Hey, if I need to take a day off for that, I’ll take it. Only caveat is that you should make it for after next week. I have the audit next week.
PEW: whatever
LM: I’ll probably be working some amount of “late” between now and then to prepare.
PEW: also, what are your plans for Saturday. between 11-3 i’ll need you to occupy the kids
LM: Nothing at this point… I know you have the thingy. Yeah. Okay.
PEW: great……i can already tell this is going to be another happy holiday season
—————

Did you catch that? Were you paying attention? Right there out of the air the shift occurs. Of course, I’ll jump right in as I always have and allow the madness to escalate.

—————
LM: ??? It’s as happy as you decide to make it.
PEW: just the usual bullshit…..fantasy football, ebay, your cheapness. i fucking love it
LM: You’re back into making every move I make into some sort of effort to make you miserable, and I’m not doing any such thing.
PEW: no i’m not…..i don’t think you do it on purpose
LM: Fantasy football? When the heck have I done anything ff related that has interfered with anything?
PEW: yeah you do it all at work
—————

So, do I do it all at work or does it interfere with everything on the home front? Which is it?

—————
LM: I send an email on Tuesday. I do moves on Thursday or Friday night. And I get automatic emails sent to me from the website for information.
PEW: yeah well, i noticed you got that movie and we never watched it
—————

I know it’s tough, but stick with the chain of tangents. So far… doctor appointment – miserable holiday – fantasy football – eBay… and we’re only seconds into the IM assault.

—————
LM: Stop looking for more stuff to argue about.
PEW: i’m sick of being shit on all the time
LM: Stop it, PEW.
PEW: when was the last time you gave S2 a bath. or S1 for that matter
LM: It’s been a while.
PEW: all I asked last night was that I could do “a little” more decorating. and you couldn’t even give me that
LM: Yes, I could. Was there something that was preventing you from doing it?
PEW: no …you had ebay to do
—————

PEW was still at stay-at-home mom at that point. It was possible, but things were tight. I supplemented the household income by successfully selling on eBay. It was like having a part-time job without ever having to leave the house. 95% of my home efforts with eBay were done after the children were in bed, when I would stay up until midnight or 1AM several nights per week to ensure I had a steady stream of stuff going out the door. It was an absolute necessity. That would account for the lull in bath-giving. Sometimes I would get started with the work as she prepared the children for bed.

—————
PEW: yeah…the kids needed tending to
LM: Or did you, as usual, just not do it so that you could have something else to be miserable about?
PEW: you can’t pack stuff
LM: Yes, I can.
PEW: and take care of them
LM: Yes, I have in the past.
PEW: no you can’t
LM: I most certainly can, and have. You just want to be miserable again, as usual. I can’t help that.
PEW: yeah…….
LM: S1 has helped me pack and had fun doing it.
PEW: meanwhile…..S1 doesn’t even know how to kick a ball. or catch a ball
—————

S1 is 3-years old at this point. Not only could he catch a ball, at least as well as any 3-year old, he could kick and kick well. Not just balls.

However, this was a common belief for her. When she wasn’t around, I simply stashed the children in a corner somewhere and did nothing with them. When she had a part-time evening job, she knew what I was doing and not doing telepathically, apparently. She was very creepy and her unfounded accusations knew no bounds.

PEW is one of those mothers who apparently can do NOTHING else in tandem with having children awake and around. I could. In this specific instance, I explain what the children do with me when I would have to pack items for shipment. As if she cared one way or the other.

—————
LM: S2 has sat there and scrunched papers when I’ve packed. Yes, he does.
PEW: well S1 was following me all around the house
LM: S1 was not. He was sitting there watching a movie.
PEW: he was too. i’m talking about before that. lord knows he needs to watch more TV
LM: Before that – I wasn’t doing Ebay stuff, and you weren’t decorating.
PEW: yeah OK
LM: Ok.
PEW: i’m so sick of you
LM: Just sticking to the facts, PEW.
PEW: i’m sick of the whole ebay thing too……
LM: I know you are.
PEW: i don’t know why I don’t just get a fucking job
LM: But you’d have nothing to bitch about, because if we didn’t have it – we wouldn’t pay bills.
PEW: i know why….because you still won’t help me out
LM: And you simply choose not to get a job. AND… on top of that, you wouldn’t find a job where you would bring home as much as the eBay money.
—————

This is a critical point. I was effectively working two jobs to make sure we could make ends meet and it meant absolutely nothing to her. My working two jobs to maintain her lifestyle and her ability to stay at home (her choosing) merited nothing but grief because I wasn’t doing (in her eyes) enough other stuff, too. I guess she didn’t anticipate that parenting a real child was a little more difficult than playing with a frigging doll. You can’t put real children away because it’s too much trouble.

—————
PEW: yeah because then both of our kids would be sitting in front of the TV every night of the week while you continue to do your own thing
LM: You conveniently forget that there were simply no problems last time you were working evenings. You just imagine that there would be, and use me as an excuse. That’s all. And you’re wrong about that, too. I read S1 several books almost every night. And I roll around on the floor with S2. So stop inventing stuff again, PEW. Try to stick to reality.
PEW: reality is….i wake up in the morning, diaper both kids, feed both kids, dress both kids……while you take a 1/2 hr shit… sip coffee… read the paper, take a 20 minute shower… i should say, slurp coffee
LM: Reality is… I get up at 7 (or later) – the kids are typically sleeping when I am starting to get ready… and then I leave for work.
PEW: S1 is always up
LM: However, if you would like me to get up at 6, wake the kids up, feed them and dress them, by golly – I will surely do that. No, he isn’t. He wasn’t up this morning. He wasn’t up yesterday.
—————

Not only are the kids generally asleep, she was still asleep. As usual, PEW never let reality get in the way of a good fictional account that was in keeping with her delusions.

Everytime the children were awake when I was up and about and getting ready for work, I changed them, fixed their beds, fed S2 and got S1’s breakfast ready – all while she was still in bed. She would typically get out of bed when I announced that I was leaving for work.

—————
PEW: i was up 4x with S2. last night
LM: And the last two days, I didn’t even get out of bed until almost 7:30. Reality PEW – stick to reality.
PEW: well change him then
LM: He was ASLEEP WHEN I GOT UP… both days, PEW. Reality. Stick to reality.
PEW: well change him when he gets up
LM: I was in the shower both days when he got up.
PEW: and how the hell do you sleep thru S2 4x last night
LM: Could be because I was doing listing until 12AM.
PEW: tough shit
LM: I can’t help that I didn’t hear him.
PEW: well you’ll be hearing him from now on
LM: How the hell do you get cranky about it, when all you have EVER needed to do is nudge me and tell me it is my turn? No problem, PEW. Never has been. Next fictional issue?
PEW: well since last night S1 was in our bed….i couldn’t nudge you
LM: Yes, you could have. Try again.
PEW: and i tried to wake you when S1 came in because i have excrutiating pain in my back and his bed makes it worse…. but you didn’t wake up then either
LM: Then don’t go in his bed. Bullshit. You can wake me up. Stop inventing stuff, PEW. If you have to bang a pot with a metal spoon – you can wake me up.
—————

An uncanny ability to lay the blame at my feet for the oddest stuff. It’s my fault she couldn’t wake me up. It’s the baby’s fault she couldn’t wake me up. She has no ability to wake me up. She just can’t. I’m not kidding. From her description, I would have to have been dead.

—————
PEW: i don’t need to invent stuff
LM: You’ve invented a lot of stuff in this very conversation.
PEW: bullshit
LM: Like “I” was the reason you didn’t decorate last night.
PEW: like what
LM: Like “all our kids do is watch TV at night.”
PEW: it’s true
LM: No it isn’t.
PEW: well if it was up to you. this is just more AMMO for me
LM: Wrong.
PEW: no flowers at the anniversary…..
LM: Poor, poor PEW.
PEW: barely any help with the kids. that’s right
LM: Isn’t happy unless she is miserable.
PEW: tight wad
LM: So she invents her own misery. Yep – look at our checkbook, genius. That is why I’m a “tightwad.” You see, unlike you – I care about being able to pay the bills. You don’t.
PEW: you could afford flowers. cheapo
LM: Well, I afforded a watch for you instead. Sorry, you ungrateful snit. But that is your usual MO.
—————

Yes, the graciousness of a loving spouse. I buy her a watch that probably cost 10-times that of flowers (not that price should matter, right?) – and I’m in trouble on our Anniversary because I didn’t get her flowers. Entitlement issues?

—————
PEW: well…sell the fucking watch. you’re the ungreatful one
LM: It is too much money… it isn’t enough money… it wasn’t on your “list”… the timing wasn’t right for you…
PEW: it doesn’t even fit me. i can’t wear it
LM: Any excuse to make a problem out of something.
PEW: it doesn’t fucking fit
LM: Any excuse. Any. Any excuse.
PEW: yeah
LM: Keep on whining.
PEW: fucking jew
LM: Grow up, PEW. You’re 33 years old, not 6. Try to discuss things like an adult and not like your 3-year old son.
PEW: don’t tell me to grow up….. why don’t you grow up
LM: Awwww… that is such a shame.
PEW: gay rod. gay boy
—————

There she is again in all her glory. This is a grown, adult woman. She has two young children. She acts like a grade-schooler, consistently and without fail.

—————
LM: lol I can’t believe what a child you are when you don’t get your way. Unbelievable.
PEW: what way? what is my way that I didn’t get??
LM: Go back and re-read your own whining. I’m moving on to more grown up things… like work. Go whine to S1. He could probably relate to it more than I can.
PEW: I can’t believe my husband is such a selfish jerk that when he stopped at 7-11….he couldn’t even pick up a bunch of flowers
LM: Get over it, whiner.
PEW: cheap cheap, selfish pig
LM: Gimme the watch back and I’ll go get you flowers, whiner.
PEW: take it back….i can’t wear it because it doesn’t fit
LM: Okay.
PEW: but I know you’ll never have it sized
LM: You’re right, I’ll get you flowers instead. So sorry I disappointed you.
PEW: I had to have W. size the last one you gave me. you always dissappoint me
LM: I know… that’s the funny thing… it matters not the cost, not the “thought” as you so grossly lie about, not about when, not about how, not about the loving thoughts that pop up when I think of something or come across something. You’re just miserable.
PEW: the only thing NOT dissappointing about you is our kids
LM: No thanks to me, of course, because “you’re with them 24-7,” right? It’s a treasure watching you go out of your way to make the holidays miserable every year. I look forward to it every year, and you don’t fail to disappoint. Thanks again.
—————

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYONE!

This Christmas would be a doozy. Also, I would find out that my grandmother had died shortly after this exchange. Click here to see how that wouldn’t stop her from being abusive.

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