Inconsequential Details…

…leading up to our first custody evaluation…

In the aftermath of the protection from abuse hearing (or lack thereof), all remained eerily quiet on the road to the custody evaluation. There were a few issues that reared the ugly head from time-to-time:

Once the child-support payments were set-up, there were some snafus with the work check-runs that would prompt the regular, recurring “I didn’t get my support check” emails. Even after that was corrected, knucklehead wasn’t used to the usual red-tape delays that commonly occur because she had to have my wages garnished instead of taking my checks directly. Her choice, not mine. I finally got around to ignoring those emails after telling her a couple of times to take it up with the child support disbursement office. (For the record, I was paying $869/month for child support having them 50% of the time and also paying “temporary spousal support” to the tune of $204/month.) I’m still at a loss to figure out how I was to pay that much and her petition for spousal support was a joke. For someone who “couldn’t afford to pay reasonable attorney’s fees” – she sure was petition-happy during that period.

There was also the small matter of the direct checks I was sending her directly prior to the order. After some hemming and hawing as well as my providing ample proof via canceled checks – that was rectified as well and I received appropriate credit for payments made up to the time we finally had an order entered.

Our work schedules were tough and kind of messed-up on Fridays which brought another round of issues surrounding her desire to have her alcoholic, bipolar, untreated psycho-sister watching the children for a few hours on Fridays until I could pick them up. There was nothing I could do except document my objections. She tried to leverage my inability to adjust my work schedule into “being okay” with her sister watching the children. I simply repeated my objections and stated that there was nothing I could legally do to stop her from using psycho-SIL as a babysitter.

It was also the earliest foray into partial parallel-parenting, too. Though I still hadn’t officially heard of it, we had some problems with me sending the children over dressed in decent clothing only to have her not return the clothing. It wasn’t long before I was left with nothing but sweatpants and sweatshirts. When I asked her about returning the clothing, she informed me that they “didn’t fit right” and she disposed of them. It would be the last time I sent them back to her in anything that she didn’t first supply me with. The clothes were fine. So, from that moment on, I washed whatever it was they arrived in and sent them back home in it when it was time to return them. To this very day, I still do that. Money is tight and especially then… I couldn’t afford to have her trashing the clothes that I had purchased for them.

Between September and mid-October, we would have attended 6 custody evaluation sessions. 2 each alone. 1 together. 1 together with the children. Stay tuned…

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The Restraining Order Conclusion

After filing the petition for a restraining order on September 2nd, 2004, a hearing was scheduled for the following week on September 8th. PEW was appropriately served her notice and showed up with her legal representation. After lengthy discussion with my attorney, he was confident that I could handle this on my own and effectively told me to stick to the facts as I had presented them in the petition and do not deviate. Explain the story, provide your evidence (police reports and calls) and it should be granted.

Now, many attorneys do their “pro bono” work as may be required by their firms during restraining order issues. I was approached by one and decided to go ahead and take it. With a few hours to go until it was our turn, I filled him in on all of the details and he agreed that it was quite likely that I would get the restraining order.

I requested the following:

• Restrain Defendant from abusing, threatening, harassing, or stalking Plaintiff and/or minor children in any place where Plaintiff may be found.
• Evict/exclude Defendant from Plaintiff’s residence and prohibit Defendant from attempting to enter any temporary or permanent residence of Plaintiff.
• Award Plaintiff temporary custody of the minor children and place the following restrictions on contact between the Defendant and the children: “Any agreed-upon visitation requires an exchange no closer than the driveway of the marital residence with no entry into the home.”
• Prohibit Defendant from having any contact with Plaintiff and/or minor children either in person, by telephone, or in writing, personally or through third persons, including but not limited to any contact at school, business, or place of employment, except as the court may find necessary with respect to partial custody and/or visitation with the minor children.
• Prohibit Defendant from having any contact with the Plaintiff’s relatives and Plaintiff’s children listed in this petition, except as the court may find necessary with respect to partial custody and/or visitation with the minor children.
• Order Defendant to temporarily turn over weapons to the sheriff of this county and prohibit Defendant from transferring, acquiring, or possessing any such weapons for the duration of the order.
• Order Defendant to pay temporary support for Plaintiff and/or minor children, including medical support and payment of the rent or mortgage on the residence.
• Direct Defendant to pay Plaintiff for the reasonable financial losses suffered as a result of the abuse, to be determined at hearing.
• Order Defendant to pay the costs of this action, including filing and service fees.
• Order Defendant to pay Plaintiff’s reasonable attorney’s fees.
• Grant such relief as the court deems appropriate.
• Order the police or other law enforcement agency to serve Defendant with a copy of this petition, any order issued and the order for hearing. The petitioner will inform the designated authority of any addresses, other than the Defendant’s residence, where Defendant can be served.

So, my pro bono attorney meets with the other side to try to get the lay of the land and see what he can make happen. When he returns after a lengthy discussion, he informs me that the other side is willing to accept the petition with one exception – that the children be excluded from the restraint.

When I explain to him that the greater portion of my fear is that the children could ultimately be harmed by her increasingly escalating behaviors, the attorney explains that I have a solid case on the firearms issue. She will be found guilty and the court would very likely impose all of that which I have asked for, except the temporary custody of the children. I allow myself to be talked into it. We avoid the hearing by allowing everything relevant to my own protection to proceed, most importantly, her immediate turning-over of the firearms to the Sheriff’s department. And again, I get another lesson in the mother-favoritism in family court.

Another hindsight lesson for anyone in a similar spot is here. While I will always suggest that you default to listening to the attorney’s advice, I will now suggest that you follow your gut… follow your instincts… do a risk/reward analysis. I believe I made a mistake in listening to this attorney’s advice as I had nothing to lose by going to a hearing. In that situation, where there is truly no downside to proceeding – PROCEED and see if you can get all of the relief you’ve asked for. I wasn’t going to jail. I wasn’t going to be sanctioned. I had the complete upper-hand. And I gave away a potentially strong opportunity to gain primary, if not sole, custody of the children because of PEW’s criminal behavior. I let the “expert” talk me into this because of the mantra “always listen to your attorney.” Well, folks… I’m hear to tell you that attorneys can be wrong. Attorneys make mistakes. Attorneys can give bad advice. Assess each situation on its own merits and if your instincts are telling you to follow through with the hearing and there is literally no downside to trying to push through and get what you asked for – JUST DO IT!

I thought that between winning the hearing over the schooling issue followed so closely by these events and subsequent restraining order being accepted by her without a fight/defense, I had a couple of major tools needed to protect myself and gain primary custody of the children. I would be able to protect them from her madness. My confidence level was quite high.

Still, following the advice of the pro bono attorney and not following through on the hearing, even though I still get the PFA, was probably another of several big blunders on my part. My high confidence level would soon be shattered as we go through the custody evaluation and panic begins to take hold.

The restraining order was entered for a duration of 18-months. I received exclusive possession of the marital home (though she wasn’t required to make any contributions to the mortgage or upkeep, which pretty much was the same as when we were married). She was required to turn over the stolen firearms to the Sheriff’s office.

In an early example of PEW’s penchant for willful disregard of court orders, I received a call from her 2-weeks after this hearing. She explained to me that her neighbors told her that a couple of Sheriff’s officers were looking for her at her place earlier in the day and if I had anything to do with it. I told her that I did not.

It turns out, she hadn’t turned over the firearms to the Sheriff’s department and a bench warrant was issued for her arrest. In keeping with her ability to get out of certain trouble – she turned over the firearms shortly thereafter. Still, she had to go before the court and explain the delay in compliance. I wasn’t there for it, but I’m sure she turned on the crying faucet, made some lame excuse, and was not sanctioned for her willful disobedience of the court’s orders. She is contempt of court, she is already in violation of the PFA by continuing to hold the firearms – and NOTHING is done. No sanctions. No arrest. No penalty whatsoever. 4-years later, I’m no longer surprised when these things happen to me or anyone else.

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Court Hearing: Where the Children Would Go To School

Today I provide the details of the petition, the hearing, and the results of said hearing which precipitated The PEW breaking into the marital household and my subsequent filing of the petition for the filing of the restraining order.

On August 12th, 2004, PEW filed an emergency petition for the court to make the decision regarding where our children would attend school. Though we originally had an agreement, not unlike nearly every other agreement we’ve had, she decided to change her mind to feed her unquenchable thirst for chaos and combat via litigation.

She filed a petition which “further ordered and decreed that pending a hearing, LM is enjoined from removing the minor children from St. Local Catholic School.” As I start to detail the content of this petition and many others, you will notice a pattern of embellishment and flat-out lying that never seems to meet with her being punished for her unsworn falsifications to the court. This, despite the clear and convincing evidence of her having done so. Toss in a good measure of projection and you have the makings of a scary situation that would repeat itself dozens of times over the last few years.

The Petition:

You, LM, Respondent, have been sued in court to enjoin you from the removal of the minor child S1 from St. Local Catholic School and for attorneys fees for the necessity of same.

You are ordered to appear in court… [blah, blah, blah… details dates and times and courtroom.]

EMERGENCY PETITION FOR SPECIAL RELIEF

1 – Petitioner, PEW, natural mother… [inconsequential details].

2 – Respondent, LM, natural father… [inconsequential details].

3 – Petitioner and the parties’ children moved out of the marital residence located in County on May 5, 2004 due to Respondent’s continuing harassing behavior towards Petitioner.

Comment: Here is your first complete lie. PEW set the wheels of divorce in motion in January of 2004. She voluntarily remained at the marital residence until May 5th, 2004 of her own accord and I was agreeable to that in order that she would find a suitable place of residence for herself and the children when they were with her. I had several emails which spoke to how “nicely” I treated her during that period and how “if only” I had treated her that way throughout the marriage, we wouldn’t be divorcing. This is evidence she had failed to remember existed. I never harassed her and it defies logic that she would attempt to impress upon the court that her fears and this fictional harassment “forced her” to stay for nearly 5 months. The fact is, we barely spoke to one another during that period except as a courtesy and only if it was something pertaining to the children.

4 – There are two children… [inconsequential details].

5 – Petitioner filed for Custody and Support on June 1st, 2004. Respondent filed his own petition for custody on June 9, 2004. A conference was held on July 13, 2004 and the Conference Officer made no recommendation pending the results of the counseling process.

6 – The parties’ minor child, S1, attended St. Local Catholic School last year and is currently enrolled in St. Local’s for this upcoming year. The parties’ minor child, S2, is currently enrolled to attend pre-school at St. Local’s for the upcoming year.

Comment: S1 was enrolled in pre-K, and I quote, because PEW “needed a break” from caring for the children and to keep them from “being up her ass 24/7.”

7 – Respondent is now threatening to remove S1 from St. Local and enroll him in public school against Petitioner’s and child’s wishes.

Comment: I didn’t threaten any such thing. The reason for the short duration of the hearing was this all important fact – PEW had actually been the one to register S1 for our award-winning elementary school per our agreement during the 1st-week of February 2004! This was after she had initiated the divorce process! This was the lynch-pin of my defense and I believe the one which made the judge rule in my favor almost instantaneously after testimony was complete. Further, she often speaks on behalf of the children regardless of what they actually do or say. Fact is, S1 was excited to be attending the elementary school in question. It was within walking distance of the marital household. All of his neighborhood friends were going there. That’s not to say that he didn’t enjoy his time at St. Local. However, he was excited to be attending kindergarten at the “big boy school” that was 2 blocks from our home with all of his friends.

8 – The best interests of the children are served by maintaining the continuing loving, stable environment and therefore necessitates the emergency relief sought hereby, as school begins on 9/8/2004.

9 – Respondent’s threat to remove S1 from St. Local and enroll him in public school is solely for the purposes of posturing for his position in the parties’ upcoming custody hearing.

Comment: Projection, plain and simple. The reality was that the rather significant expense of the Catholic school was being used by PEW to force me to sell the house. It was an expense that neither of us could afford and I was already paying significant school taxes for the children to attend the public elementary school. She petitioned often knowing that anything awarded in her favor would be primarily my expense due to our disparity in incomes and I was already struggling to keep up the house payments with child support, temporary alimony, and day-to-day living expenses. She was simply trying to burden me with more expenses which would force the sale of the home.

10 – Respondent has threatened Petitioner that he will “drag out” the divorce proceedings and will continue to maintain sole possession of the marital assets because he believes it will advantage him in the custody proceedings if he remains at the marital residence while Petitioner has been reduced to residing in an apartment.

Comment: I threatened no such thing. I wanted this ended quickly and as painlessly as possible. The only person that “reduced” PEW to living anywhere was PEW. She initiated the divorce without grounds (not that she needs any in our state). She moved out of her own accord and into a rather nice apartment that she took months to discover and obtain. Remember now, our original “agreement” before I was ambushed by her filing for custody of the children was a shared arrangement that was dictated by our respective work schedules.

11 – Respondent maintains sole possession of the marital residence because he is the only party with the financial ability to maintain the mortgage, however, he refuses to negotiate with the Petitioner regarding the distribution of marital assets so that she can obtain her own residence.

Comment: The earliest indicator that she was “entitled” to her own single-family home and that I was responsible for providing the finances necessary for her to accomplish that. Further, as the readers may already know – I negotiated my ASS OFF with this psycho. The only one failing to negotiate in good-faith was the PEW and I had an enormous amount of evidence already to show same.

12 – This latest threat to remove S1 from St. Local’s is simply another example of Respondent’s harassment of Petitioner since it is clearly not in the best interests of the child.

Comment: Again, I threatened nothing. The children were enrolled because we agreed to it and The PEW herself did the registration, the orientation, and the back-to-school stuff necessary. It was only after June or July, when she discovered she wasn’t going to easily get her way that the schooling became an issue. All I did was follow-through on the initial registration by contacting the school, getting to know the principal and the teacher, and making the arrangements for after-school care if necessary. Turns out, it wasn’t. Not only wasn’t PEW working during the school week (a fact I’m guessing she didn’t think would matter to the court), S1 qualified for full-day kindergarten, something I worked solely with the school to obtain for him. Apparently, it was in S1’s best interests to the both of us until PEW decided for no particular reason except to litigate – that it wasn’t.

13 – S1 enjoys and flourishes at St. Local’s. He is familiar with all the teachers and has many friends. Further, after school care is available at St. Local’s. If S1 was forced to go to public school, he would then have to be bussed to a separate after-school care facility.

Comment: Lie. Aftercare wasn’t needed. Even if it was, it was local and associated with the school.

14 – Petitioner believes, therefore avers, that it would be to S1’s detriment to be uprooted from a school he knows and enjoys and to be separated from his brother. Further, the minor children are having emotional issues with the separation of the parties. To cause more transition and instability would be detrimental to both children.

Comment: Says the person who is responsible for more transitions, upsets, moves, and school changes than anyone else in this entire saga. 3 moves to residences (a 4th apparently forthcoming depending upon how her foreclosure notice is processed), 3 schools. It’s interesting that my efforts are to settle things down for the children and ensure some level of stability in their lives and yet, she pontificates about “transition and instability.” The insanity of it all is boundless.

15 – The Petitioner believes and therefore avers that she would prevail on the merits of the hearing to enjoin respondent from removing the children from St. Local’s.

Comment: Of course she does. Of course, the little matter of her explaining why she enrolled them in the public school to begin with would loom large at the hearing.

16 – To permit the minor children to be removed from their present school activities and counseling environment at this time would be damaging to the children’s education and welfare and not in their best interests.

Comment: Drama much?

The bulk of my testimony centered around the following facts:

– The lynch-pin: SHE REGISTERED S1 FOR THE ELEMENTARY SCHOOL!!!

– That we had agreed to send the children to public school – our award-winning elementary school, and we did so after the divorce proceedings were initiated by PEW.

– I had spoken with many parents with students at the Catholic school and checked their facts. They had significantly declining enrollment. They were boosting tuition as a result. There was talk of the school CLOSING. These are things that the PEW had apparently no knowledge about.

– The climate surrounding the Catholic church at the time regarding the sexual abuse of children was something I mentioned. Was I concerned or had any proof that there was anyone at the church who couldn’t be trusted? Certainly not, but it had more to do with the negative perception of the church and all of the controversy surrounding that topic. It was probably partly responsible for the declining enrollment.

– Finally, we were “non-practicing” Catholics and I couldn’t remember the last time we had attended church that wasn’t for a wedding or major Catholic event (Christmas, New Year’s, Easter, Thanksgiving). So, I questioned the veracity of her extolling the virtues of the Catholic Church and the education that they provide when she couldn’t herself remember when the last time it was that she had attended church on a regular basis (let alone the last time she was there for any reason in recent memory).

My attorney (#1) buried her story on the stand. Her position and justifications were indefensible and it was clear. I was absolutely perfect on the stand under the questioning by her attorney.

THE RULING: After testimony was completed, the judge immediately gave his ruling. S1 would go to the public elementary school. S2 could attend Catholic school’s pre-K for the upcoming year but would also attend public school when kindergarten started. Further, I was under no obligation to pay for any attendance at the Catholic school because mom was “stay-at-home” during the week and it was a “luxury” expense.

The lies and embellishments would be a consistent pattern for her and despite my protestations, she was never punished or otherwise sanctioned for filing false petitions. It was a waste of my time and money, the court’s time and money, and even her time and money. However, as long as attorneys, judges, and court staff need paying – they will continue to entertain such frivolous lawsuits.

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The Restraining Order Petition

It’s really hard to describe the feelings that overcome one in the midst of a situation like this break-in. I call it a “break-in” because that’s exactly what it was. I had the locks changed since her move-out and made the mistake of leaving downstairs windows “cracked” when I left for work. So, she ripped-out the screen, opened the window and let herself and the children into the house.

Yes – the children.

This was the first shocker for me and I remained extraordinarily calm given the situation. I couldn’t believe she had done this in front of the children, then ages 5 and 3. I had great neighbors on a wonderful block and the most heartbreaking part of this whole ordeal was the big, bright smiles on the faces of both boys and the excitement in their voices when, during that evening when they were out front playing, they were telling our next-door neighbors, excitedly, “Yeah! Mom and Dad are getting back together and we’re so excited! This is really great!” To keep a solid face I had to work very hard to choke back tears and sadness and do the parental side-stepping that was something akin to telling them, “…oh, we’ll see, there are a lot of things that need to be discussed” …and avoid ripping their hearts out of their chest again. The PEW would take care of that the next day. I still get butterflies and sadness when I think about those couple of days when I remember how the kids were.

The details of the events are best described in my petition for protection from abuse for the dates in question (9/1 & 9/2, 2004):

My wife and I had a hearing on the morning of 9/1/2004. The judge ruled in my favor, which my PEW rather upset.

Upon returning home, I changed my clothes and went to a meeting at work. At approximately 1:45PM, my phone activated and caller ID indicated that the call was coming from my home. I removed myself from the meeting and answered the phone.

The PEW identified herself to me and said, “I just wanted to let you know that I’ve broken into the house and I already check with the police. There isn’t a fucking thing you can do about it, either. I’m moving back in and I am going to make your life a living hell until you have no choice but to sell this house!”

I tried to convince The PEW to leave the home with the children. I told her that I understand that she was entitled to be there, but it didn’t have to happen today. She refused to leave and we ended the conversation.

At that time I called police radio and asked [town’s] police to send a patrol car to the home to see what was going on.

Soon thereafter, I arrived home to discover that no police had been dispatched. As PEW had stolen my firearms that I won from the home approximately 6-months ago and their return was again discussed in the morning, I asked if she had them with her and if I could have them back, at which time she replied menacingly, “Your guns? Yeah, you’ll get them back all right – you better be careful what you ask for!”

I understood that to be a threat. I again called the police and urged them to send someone over right away as I was on the premises, as was my wife and my children and that things were escalating. I believe I said that I “strongly advised” them to come to the home.

Within minutes the police arrived and spoke to us separately. They advised me that PEW was adamant about staying and that neither they nor I could force her to leave.

Later in that evening, around 10:00 PM, PEW and I had a relatively civil discussion about what transpired and of our general circumstances. PEW expressed her frustration with the situation, her living arrangements, her mounting legal bills. Of particularly serious concern to me, PEW stated specifically that she is having trouble dealing with all of this and she, “felt like ending it all” which I took as a clear reference to suicide. Furthermore, during our portion of the discussion regarding our custody issues, she said to me, “If I lose my children, I don’t know what I’d do, probably kill myself.”

This erratic behavior has me concerned for my children’s welfare, my own welfare, and even her welfare.

On Thursday, 9/2/2004, I had to run some errands in the morning. One of my stops included the police station, where I filed a report with Officer So-And-So. I informed him of my discussion and PEW’s suicide references. I further expressed to him my fear that PEW may try to hurt herself and then try to accuse me of doing it or attempt to provoke a physical confrontation. After he took my report, I headed home.

I arrived home at approximately 11:00 AM. once there, I sat down with PEW to discuss the drop-off and pick-up of S1 for school. I made a call to the after-care program to adjust my registration from full-week to drop-in.

PEW informed me that she was taking the boys to her apartment to pick-up their hermit-crabs and some other things. She returned approximately 90-minutes later without anything from the apartment. It was approximately 2:00 PM. I awakened from a nap and informed PEW of my intentions to go into work.

PEW asked me to wait, let the boys out into the yard, and she went into the bathroom. Upon exiting the bathroom, she informed me that she was moving back out. I was shocked because the boys were already very confused by the previous days’ events. They were telling our neighbors that, “…mommy and daddy were getting back together.” Now, she was telling them that they were not moving back in.

I expressed extreme displeasure at this revelation and thought this behavior could have extreme negative effects on the children. It was then that PEW charged at me and started yelling at me and she raised her hands as if she was going to strike me. Given my suspicions that she would try to engage me in a physical confrontation, I backed away from her, telling her, “Be careful! This could cost you your kids!”

She continued to yell at me, approaching me again with a raised hand. I moved towards the steps that lead to the front door. I demanded the house key and PEW refused. I told her I was going to take the van keys. I didn’t threaten PEW at any time. However, she called the police.

By this time, I had exited the marital residence and went to my vehicle which was parked across the street. The boys were in the house now, upstairs and looking out the open front window at me. PEW came storming out front and went berzerk in the driveway. In an effort to get the attention of the neighbors, PEW began shouting at the top of her lungs, all within view and hearing of the children, “DO YOU PEOPLE KNOW WHAT KIND OF NEIGHBOR YOU HAVE?!?! HE’S AN ABUSER, A FUCKING-ASSHOLE (repeatedly), A HOMOSEXUAL, AND REAL MAN WOULD HAVE LEFT THE HOUSE AND ALLOWED THE WOMAN TO STAY!!!” The language was filthy, vile, full of expletives – and S1 was clearly unnerved by what he was witnessing. When she had completed her tirade, she threw the house key in the grass. The police then arrived, including Officer So-And-So with whom I filed the report earlier in the day. Soon after a talking to by the police, PEW left with the boys.

In my estimation, this erratic behavior pattern is becoming increasingly more aggressive and is demonstrating that PEW has little regard for the welfare of the children. I am concerned for the safety of the children, my own safety, and even PEW’s safety from herself.

It is also important to note that after telling me the prior evening that she fired her attorney – during the confrontation on 9/2/2004, PEW told me that she did not fire her attorney and that the attorney had advised PEW to re-enter the home, causing all of this upset and strife for the children and me, but for what end I don’t know. I find PEW’s behavior threatening and detrimental to the children most especially.

The entire situation was surreal, there is no other way to explain it. At least I had the sense enough to file a report with the police and accurately predicted what her intentions were.

Worthy of note:

– Despite explaining to the police that she made a gun threat, they didn’t arrest her, because she apparently didn’t have the guns on her actual person. I’m absolutely certain that if the roles were reversed, I would have been arrested.

– Despite explaining that she had attempted to attack me and even despite the police witnessing some of her screaming and foul mouth, she was not arrested. I’m absolutely certain that if the roles were reversed, I would have been arrested.

Frankly, I think I was lucky that I wasn’t arrested.

At least I took the necessary steps, short of moving out, to maximizing self-protection and it appeared to have worked.

To this day, I’m astounded that his major incident was never considered by any custody evaluator as relevant to determining her stability or her ability to parent the children effectively… but this would be one of many harsh lessons I would learn over the course of the coming months and years.

Separately, learn about the abuse of restraining orders: Without Restraint – The Use and Abuse of Restraining Orders. You can also do a simple google search for “restraining order abuse” and find alarming information.

I count myself lucky that I was actually able to get one, for what little good it did me, given the circumstances. What is quite ironic was that reality is, women use them overwhelmingly as a weapon in a divorce and custody situation. Custody Evaluator 1 will dismiss my offering of same as “lawyer posturing to get an upper-hand in the custody situation” despite PEW’s acceptance of guilt to avoid a hearing. Have I mentioned that if the roles were reversed what my expectations would be?

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The Psycho Ex-Wife Breaks Into the Marital Home

On September 2, 2004 and the following days – a series of major events took place. These events gave me a tremendously high and false sense of positivity that would never come to fruition. Worse than that, the lack of consideration that these events, and many others, would garner would accelerate my education in the divorce and family court system. It was still the same-old, same-old. It actually may even be worse than it was 20- or 30-years ago for men and fathers in this country. It’s exacerbated by the proliferation or better understanding of personality disorders and how they drive family court litigation. I’m certain that this is the perfect storm that is my situation.

This is going to take a while to explain, so I offer you what I called then the “Cliff’s Notes” version (or not) that I sent a friend who was concerned about not hearing from me for a few days. This is effectively as-written back in September 2004. More details will be forthcoming…

Cliff’s notes version: (Note: she stole my guns 6 months ago and hasn’t returned them – cops: “There is nothing we can do.”)

– The first of several court cases went down on Wednesday morning. We were at an impasse over where the kids were going to school. She sued me to have them go to Catholic School. The judge ruled in my favor. She was none too happy.

– Hours later, I’m in an important meeting regarding a new start-up we’re doing in [another country]. My cellphone buzzes and I look at the display… it’s a phone call… from my HOUSE. I remove myself to a private conference room and answer. It’s my wife. She announces she broke into the house and that she is moving back in. Claims to have fired her attorney, broke her apartment lease and that’s that. Unable to talk her out of leaving: Discussion, cops, discussion… nothing the cops nor I can do to get her out since she’s on the deed (no settlement yet). I’m stuck.

So, I resign myself to the fact that, for at least the short term, we’ll have to go back to living together and try to do it amicably. I start the wheels in motion to take action against her. The sorriest thing is that my kids think that we’re “getting back together.”

– Thursday… after making arrangements with my attorney. I go to the police station and describe a conversation that my wife and I had the night before where twice she made references to “wanting to end it all” and “if I lose these kids, I dunno what I’ll do, probably kill myself.” I tell them that I fear for her, my boys, and myself and that I suspect that she COULD even injure herself and try to make it look like I assaulted her. They take the report, I go home.

– We discuss the logistics of S1 getting off to school next week. I make some calls to adjust planned arrangements for after-school care… which should no longer be necessary. She runs errands with the boys telling me that she is going back to her apartment to get the hermit crabs for the boys and some other things. I take a nap, as you can imagine, it’s been a long night.

– Upon her return, I tell her that I am going into the office and she tells me to wait… she wants to talk about something. She sends the kids in the yard… and she announces she is moving back OUT. I get really upset. I tell her that this charade is going to wreck these boys. She feigns an attack at me, in my estimation, to try to get me to put my hands on her… I retreat to my car across the street and she comes out in the driveway and at the top of her lungs (in an effort to try to get the attention of neighbors) goes into this disgraceful, expletive-laced tirade screaming to them, “DO YOU KNOW WHAT KIND OF NEIGHBOR YOU HAVE?!?!? >>>” and she’s off to the races. In the meantime, the children are in the front window witnessing all of this. I just lean against my car waiting for the cops again… (there is still nothing that they can do). During our exchange… she informed me that she didn’t break her lease and she did all of this on the advice of her attorney.

She ultimately leaves with my kids again and right now… all is quiet on the home front. I get the boys back tonight thru Tuesday morning. I got a lot of undoing of damage to try to do. I missed pretty important days at work, but by the grace of God, my boss, the CEO has been extremely understanding and flexible. I only just got back from the courthouse… I decided I can’t be “nice” anymore. I filed for a protection from abuse order this morning. If the judge accepts it, hearing Wednesday (S1’s first day of school)… and given the nature of her work, if it sticks… it will very likely cost her her job.

Against the advice of my attorney, I DIDN’T file one yesterday for fear it would “push her over the edge.” Unfortunately, after the events of yesterday afternoon… I truly am left with no choice. I can only hope that there is are some guardian angels out there watching over my boys. Part of the PFA includes the children and requests full custody of the children on a temporary basis until the custody evaluation that we’re going through plays itself out.

I think she may have scuttled any shot she had at winning that case now, too.

That’s the Cliff’s Notes version… if I filled in all the details, I think even your head would explode.

That gives you all an idea of what happened and what was going to happen relative to the break-in. DW previously posted my email to her regarding my fears and some information about the break-in.

The Restraining Order Petition

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To Document or Not To Document (And When)?

Despite the struggles experienced as we’ve walked this path of familial destruction, one thing that has been a tremendous help along the way is having documentation of the experiences, The Psycho Ex-Wife‘s behaviors, voice mails, you name it. Of particular help has been that documentation which is written by the PEW herself. While it has never had the “earth-shatteringly positive” effects I had often hoped it would have, it has helped, particularly when it came to defending myself against the never-ending and ever escalating accusations. Without it, it most certainly would have been my word against hers, the all-too-common “he-said, she-said” and when up against a person who can act and cry on a moment’s notice and play the victim role worthy of an Academy Award – I would have suffered so much more, of that I’m sure.

We still live in a world where men are taught to treat a woman like a lady. By and large, that’s not a bad thing to teach or learn. It becomes a societal problem when the people with whom you’ll deal on a regular basis have been taught the same. No one goes about teaching children that in divorce & family court that a mother has the capability to use any means necessary to their advantage, no matter what. Attorneys, judges, conferences officers can be and often are – duped by the dramatic presentation, the flow of tears, and facing a mother who “only wants what’s best for her children.” She is vulnerable. She is in need of help. When you live in a world where it is generally accepted that men are always the predator and women are always the victim, dad is behind the proverbial 8-ball before proceedings ever start.

The personal issue with which you’ll struggle – when do you start the documentation. Most people live their lives working to save loving, happy memories. They don’t set out to save unhappy memories and bad times. It’s unnatural. It’s not normal. It’s also difficult when you’re doing so while continuing to try to work to save the marriage. You’ll feel sneaky. You’ll feel as though you’re “setting her up.” You’ll also need to get over it. There is too much at stake to take a flyer on things working out or for things not to get so much more nasty than they have already been in your relationship and you’re going to need all of the help you can make for yourself.

All I can tell you is what prompted me to begin the documentation saving: I started saving everything when I realized that I was not going to be able to improve things and that I believed that it was only a matter of time before the marriage would end. None of the counseling worked. Moving didn’t work. Changing myself didn’t work. It was one hurdle placed after another. Add to the mix the many times had actually left or threatened to leave during our relationship, and there was simply nothing else to conclude. It was going to end. It was just a matter of when. So, back in about the year 2000, I saved every nasty email and letter and exchange. I did so only because despite my belief that things had changed for the better for fathers (boy, was I wrong) – I knew her penchant for embellishment and flat-out fabrication was a finely honed skill. No one would believe any story I would tell them because her private persona was so radically different from her public one (well, excepting the rare public meltdown). I had no choice but to start saving the evidence that would either exonerate me from whatever accusations would be forthcoming and/or to show people the “real” PEW. Even with all of the documentation, there were disbelievers, I assure you. It will be a great challenge to show the world and expose a master manipulator for who they truly are. The fall-back position is being able to show the world who you truly are not.

History can be your friend if you are dealing with a manipulative woman. Chances are that you have known each other for a decent period of time. Over the period of your life that you have been involved with this person you should have had a chance to see her in action. Throughout your relationship she has probably learned how to push your buttons just as much as you have learned to push hers. This intimate knowledge can be turned into strength for you.

In terms of your relationship, healthy or otherwise, be conscious of her actions. More importantly, be conscious of your own! Realize what she is trying to do when she behaves badly or appears to be pushing you for a bad reaction. She may be doing her best to make you look bad while keeping a log of every wrong step you take. Any incident could just as easily come back to haunt you during the custody proceedings. In every situation, you must remain as calm and rational as possible. You must not escalate. Never forget, anything you put in writing can be used for the same ends. If you engage in long back-and-forths via email, always be the calm one. No foul language. No insults. No threats. You best always be doing the right thing no matter what. This is easier said than done and requires a great deal of self-discipline.

Whenever possible, turn the tables. Be very diligent about keeping a journal or some sort of record concerning her aggressive, manipulating, or baiting behavior. The tables are turned when you use her own attempts at manipulation to make her look bad and prepare yourself to have those moments come back to haunt her.

Like it or not, women have the decided advantage in a custody fight. Even a woman who is not normally manipulative has an advantage. If you truly believe that it is in the best interests of your child(ren) to be under your care, you must be realistic and know that the battle will likely get quite ugly. As seen in our guest column from August 24th, 2008, she may do things that you never thought she could be capable of. As sad a reality as this is, you will have to become manipulative in your own right in order to expose that “dark side” and accumulate the documentation you need to help yourself and your children.

A father has to do work very hard to come out of a custody battle with a high-conflict spouse and have any meaningful amount of custody of his children, let alone sole- or primary-custody.

When do you start saving the documentation? Only you have the answer to that question. Even in a perfect relationship, those few times where your partner went “off the deep end” and wrote you a vile nastygram, assaulted you and admitted it during an email exchange, wrote you about suicidal thoughts or actual attempts – whatever it is – it may be worth stashing away in an email folder. My choice came when, after years of struggling and trying to mend the ills within our marriage, I knew it was a lost cause. Fortunately, I had more than 4-years worth of documentation prior to her pulling the plug. Hell, even telling her from the outset of what I was doing and why never stopped her from going berserk. She still hasn’t stopped to this day.

You may not be that “fortunate.”

Trust me when I tell you that I know that this article is one that will be difficult to digest. Suggesting that one might consider saving such things, even in a great marriage, flies in the face of what we believe about hope, love, faith, trust… I’ve even had the bizarre thought that two people should have a mutual agreement to save such items. If nothing else, it could help to keep both parties rather civil during disagreements!

I’m very interested in seeing what your thoughts are on this topic.

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Timeline 2004 – Part 2

The 2nd-half timeline from 2004 continues from Timeline 2004 – Part 1.

In August of 2006, I had submitted to my attorney #2 a “timeline of events since the divorce process began” to try to get her up to speed. I also tried to coordinate this timeline to refute PEW’s oft-repeated contention that I didn’t care about the kids, just the money… an assertion that was clearly projection and could be supported specifically or through “circumstantial evidence” of her conduct (and the timing thereof).

The following timeline demonstrates the chain of major events and summarizes the motivation behind each. You will notice that PEW is consumed by continued negative engagement of me as she was throughout the course of our marriage. You will notice that the benefit of the children is secondary to the benefit of PEW and her desire to continue abuse and harass me as well as do things solely for her own financial benefit and my financial detriment.

• July 15th, 2004 – She contends that I want to be the primary custodian to avoid having to pay support. This, despite voluntarily giving her money until the details of the support order are worked out. Despite the fact that I wanted to do whatever was possible to maintain joint custody and keep things as normal as possible for the children. My position changed due to her increasingly aggressive behavior and the surprise notification that she had filed for custody of the children. Over the course of the next year – she often complains about money.

• July 23rd, 2004 she brings up the issue of sending S1 to Catholic School. I don’t agree with such a change, particularly since she and I agreed back in February and PEW registered him… that it was a good idea. Shortly thereafter, she filed for an emergency hearing on the issue. PEW initiates litigation.

• July 26th, 2004, I complain again (this time via email) about PEW dropping the boys off at 7AM, in their pajamas and unfed. She needs to do this to get to work on time but cannot afford to lose the “overnights” for fear of losing the child support. She responds unkindly. The issue was, she didn’t keep them overnight. She took the children, went out to a party, and left the children at her parents’ house. This is the extent that PEW will go to in order to minimize my time with the children and ensure she gets credit for overnights.

• July 26th, 2004 her first mention of switching to full-time day shift and mockingly mentions how much extra I will have to pay in support to her.

• July 31st, 2004 – I express to PEW that I was bothered by the fact that she took the children to see a PG-13 rated movie. Keep in mind that S1 was 5 and S2 was 3. The movie was Spiderman 2 and the level of violence and other adult situations were not suitable for young children.

• August 16th, 2004 – I send her an email about giving the kids ice cream before dropping the children off to me in the afternoons. It was becoming a daily event and it was undermining my ability to teach the children to eat right or even get them to eat a meaningful dinner. In a phone call response, she reacts harshly calling me names, as usual and telling me that she can do whatever she wants to make the kids happy.

• August 17th, 2004 – We have a short hearing regarding custody and are ordered to go through a custody evaluation. It’s at this time that PEW changes her mind regarding going to a full-time day shift, which is important to note as she uses her “availability during the full week to be with the children” as leverage during the custody evaluation.

• September 1st, 2004 – Court hearing before Judge K— regarding where the children will attend school. Judge K— ruled in my favor after hearing the details of the circumstances and S1 attended [Something] Elementary school as planned. S2 was “permitted” to go to pre-school at St. [Catholic School] if we agreed with that. We did. I return to work that morning. PEW left the courtroom extremely angry.

• September 1st, 2004 – While at work, hours later, I’m in an important meeting regarding a new start-up we’re doing in [another country]. My cellphone rings and I look at the display… it’s a phone call… from the marital residence. I remove myself to a private conference room and answer. It’s PEW. She announces she broke into the house and that she is moving back in. She claims to have fired her attorney, broke her apartment lease and that’s that. Unable to talk her out of leaving, I call the police, explain the situation and tell them that I am heading home and wish them to be present for the discussion. Discussion, cops, discussion… the police inform me that there is nothing they nor I can do to get her out since she’s on the deed (no settlement yet). She can stay. So, I resign myself to the fact that, for at least the short term, we’ll have to go back to living together and try to do it amicably. The children were present for all of this. S1 and S2 think that we’re “getting back together” and even begin telling all of the neighbors that we’re “getting back together to be a family again.” This was a very difficult ordeal for the children to experience.

• September 2nd, 2004… I speak with my attorney, who suggests that I file a Protection From Abuse Order. I explain to him that I don’t think it’s a good idea, tell him about the suicidal overtures discussed by PEW the previous night, and tell him that I was afraid that doing so might push her to follow-through. Further, given the nature of her work, filing one could result in her losing her job which would put further pressure on her. Later, I go to the police station in [town] and describe the conversation that PEW and I had the night before where twice she made references to “wanting to end it all” and “if I lose these kids, I dunno what I’ll do, probably kill myself.” I tell them that I fear for her, my boys, and myself and that I suspect that she COULD even injure herself and try to make it look like I assaulted her. They take the report, I go home. We discuss the logistics of S1 getting off to school next week. I make some calls to adjust planned arrangements for after-school care which should no longer be necessary. She runs errands with the boys telling me that she is going back to her apartment to get the hermit crabs for the boys and some other things. Upon her return, I tell her that I am going into the office and she tells me to wait… she wants to talk about something. She sends the kids in the yard… and she announces she is moving back out. I get upset. I tell her that this charade is going to wreck these boys. She feigns an attack at me, in my estimation, to try to get me to put my hands on her… I retreat to my car across the street and she comes out in the driveway and at the top of her lungs (in an effort to try to get the attention of neighbors) goes into this disgraceful, expletive-laced tirade screaming to them “DO YOU KNOW WHAT KIND OF NEIGHBOR YOU HAVE?!?!?” and she is unrelenting. In the meantime, the children are in the front window witnessing all of this. I just lean against my car waiting for the police again… (there is still nothing that they can do). While waiting, I asked her if she had brought the firearms that she stole from me (today was one of the many promised dates of the return of them). She then made the threat about the guns. During our exchange she informed me that she didn’t break her lease and she did all of this on the advice of her attorney. The police arrive and they tell me that there is still nothing they can do, not even about the firearms because they are “marital property” as far as they are concerned.

• September 3rd, 2004 – Due to her behavior and attempt to start a physical confrontation, I feel I am left with no choice but to file the PFA that [my attorney] suggested the previous day. I follow-though on that. (Later, PEW would tell me that her actions were suggested by her attorney.)

• September 8th, 2004 – Hearing on the PFA. Prior to going to trial, PEW’s attorney makes an offer to settle the matter and agrees to turn the firearms over to the Sheriff’s Department immediately. I get exclusive possession of the home, very specific exchange details, not stalking, abusing, harassing… and the well-being associated with the fact that, given her suicidal discussion, she will no longer be in possession of the firearms. Sometime over the course of the next two weeks, PEW informs me that Sheriff’s Deputies have been at her apartment looking for her and she asks me if I know what it is about. I discover that she hasn’t turned the firearms over to the Sheriff’s Department and that a bench warrant was issued. My understanding is that she had to go to court and explain why she hadn’t complied with the order to turn over the guns. Apparently, no sanctions were levied and the firearms were eventually turned over to the police.

• Between September and October of 2004, we attend multiple custody sessions with [Custody Evaluator 1]. She doesn’t want to review the evidence I have brought regarding PEW’s abusive behavior and inability to parent the children effectively. She doesn’t even consider nor does she want to talk about the circumstances surrounding the break-in at the marital residence with the children and the subsequent PFA, dismissing it as “lawyer posturing in a custody case.” PEW accuses me (without any evidence whatsoever) of being physically abusive, a drug abuser, an alcoholic, a philanderer, among many other things. In November of 2004, her recommendation comes in an it effectively relegates me to 6 days per month (during the school year), the children to go to school in PEW’s school district (despite Judge K—’s previous ruling). Part of her decision hinges on the understanding that PEW’s work schedule affords her full weekdays with the boys and the belief that my only reason for wanting custody is because PEW wouldn’t agree to settle on the house.

• November 2004 – On the advice of my attorney – I begin to negotiate with PEW for a more even custody arrangement. He tells me that the court relies “heavily” on the recommendation of the evaluator and that there was no possibility that we would be able to overcome her recommendation. Effectively, if we went to court, I would more than likely get what [Custody Evaluator 1] recommended. So, I followed his advice. Given the fact that this ruling effectively eliminated any chance of keeping the marital residence for the children’s sake and the sake of the best logistics for PEW and I to manage coparenting, we agreed (initially) on a 50/50 arrangement and to put the marital residence up for sale agreeing to split assets 50/50. This occurred on or about November 29, 2004. At some point during this time, PEW pays, on her own, to have the house reappraised. The appraisal comes back some $18,000 higher than when it was appraised in the Spring. She makes new demands based upon the new appraisal (more money) and it’s a figure I cannot accommodate.

• November 30th, 2004 – PEW begins to renege on the agreement we worked out between one another on assets. She decides that she wants the van and additional cash of $5000.

• December 2nd, 2004 – PEW begins to renege on the agreement we worked out for custody and asks for “more time” to reconsider before I have my attorney draw up the paperwork. She complains about her legal fees and how she feels she deserves more money. PEW threatens to initiate litigation. She regularly uses [Custody Evaluator 1’s] custody recommendation as leverage to alter agreements between us. Whenever she didn’t get her way, she used filing for custody and using [CE1’s] recommendation as a threat. This would continue over the course of the next month or so. At the end of this email exchange, she again agrees to the terms we had previously discussed on both matters.

• December 10th, 2004 – PEW informs me that [my attorney] will be getting back the agreement with some “minor” changes. One issue – instead of alimony ending immediately, she demands that it end when the divorce decree is entered so that she can continue to collect more money.

• December 16th, 2004 – I find out that the “minor” changes included reducing my time with the children from 50/50 to where I had them only 11 days per month (maximum). Additionally, she wanted me to pay alimony until the divorce decree was obtained (money). Further, there were addendums for me to pay for car repairs, essentially warrant the car she chose to keep with $5,000 cash for 90-days. I protested but was met with threats of litigation and use of [CE1’s] recommendation, so I complied believing that 11-days was better than 6-days per month. She also said that it was not about money, it was about logistics and that she had no intention of filing for a support modification if that was my concern. (Shortly after the agreement was entered, she would do JUST that.)

• December 28th, 2004 – She sends me an email complaining about the Mercury in the snow and blaming me for her decision to take the car and the cash.

• December 30th, 2004 – More car complaints. First threat to take initiate a modification of support in the aftermath of our agreement because she deserves more money.

After starting out the first year of this mess with a “win” on the school issue (my attorney was excellent during that hearing), I was hopeful. However, my hopes were crushed as every step of the way I started to realize that not much had changed since my parent’s divorce. I truly felt I had lost before I ever got started. The horrible experience with the custody evaluator only emboldened PEW to make ever increasing demands. As a result, my fears over total financial devastation and loss of the children increased dramatically and I was left scrambling trying to make the best of what was now a very bad situation – only getting worse. All the while, PEW was flexing her new found leverage with the Custody Evaluator’s Report to continue to beat me into submission.

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What is Injunctive Relief?

…because obviously, her attorney had already prepared a petition, had a hearing scheduled, and was prepared to make an appearance in court on the issue the Monday after this discussion, which took place on April 8, 2004.

On the heels of her hitting my collectible items as “rewards” for the children’s acheivements – I removed them from the house. Everything. The value of these items wasn’t anything outrageous, seriously. They mostly have some intrinisic, non-financial value to me, but were also items that I would be inclined to sell on eBay for a profit from time-to-time. I like to collect old toys, games, vehicles, but not outrageously so. These were announced targets for her and so I removed them from “liquidation.”

As she believed these items to be worth far more than that were actually worth, she enjoined her attorney to file a motion. She wanted an injunction against me to preclude me from liquidating any assets prior to equitable distribution being completed. Ironically, she was the one doing the “liquidating,” but reality never stops the PEW from being litigious.

The “fun” part of this discussion (not documented) was that due to all of the harranging over the alleged value of these items – for her own financial gain – I told her to apply a value to any items that she wanted included for consideration and she could keep those items and the dollar value she applied would come off of my side of the equation! That approach worked to stop future engagements of this sort.

PEW: listen….i gotta tell you something
LM: Hang on. Or tell me and I’ll catch up
PEW: i was on a waiting list for an apartment in [locale], $700/month……..and they called me back, I looked at it and it was very nice…… I put a deposit on it, and it will be ready May 1st. so I figured I’ll go full time ASAP. i’d rather be going into a house, but obviously that’s not happening any time soon and I have to get settled somewhere so I can register the boys for school. so, since it’s an apartment that’s going to change my list of things in the house that I would like to take
LM: k
PEW: for instance…..I can’t take the grill or a refrigerator or washer or dryer. i’ll find out when you can drop me from your insurance. health insurance. i guess we have to work out the car thing too, so we can work out that insurance issue? do you have any thoughts?

Yes, I do. Would you like the kitchen sink, all of the furniture, appliances, lighting, and everything else that is or isn’t nailed down?

LM: Okay. I was doin’ some stuff while you were typing. My thoughts are this… Just so you know… I’ll start with Monday’s hearing. It’s a monumental waste of both our time and probably a good bit of your money. The reason is… I’ve read the petition. And you are well-aware of everything cited in that petition. I explained the money. I explained the Hess trucks and matchboxes. You know that the [other collectibles] never left the house. I have EVERYTHING to back up all of this information that you already know… only, you are going to pay your attorney for me to explain the same thing to the judge. If you want to follow-thru on that… fine. But rest assured that the guns issue will come up. As will the fact that I explained these issues to you before the petition was filed.
LM: That’s #1. #2. Actually… back to #1. I don’t know how much this is costing you… my guess is about $500. Assuming that’s accurate… You’re spending more money than the things that you’re asking me to account for… an accounting that I’ve already done for you. Doesn’t make sense… but again… the attorney has to use up the retainer somehow.
LM: Now… onto #2 Settlement. I reiterate that it gets done as fast as you want it done. Pick a vehicle. Pick a number. Pick the stuff in the house. Have your attorney file THAT, as it is the single most important thing on the table. And we can get it settled. We can get it settled fast. Those are my thoughts. If you want to go thru with Monday… feel free. But I think you should save your attorney’s fees for something more meaningful.
PEW: let me catch up. the phone range. Monday is a petition for relief. it’s so that your support starts now instead of when things are finalized. i’ll call and verify that
LM: Call.
PEW: ok
LM: It’s a petition to account for the things I’ve taken. Account for them and/or return them. And account for the alleged “theft” of funds from the joint accounts. It has nothing to do with support payments.
PEW: ok, i’ll call
LM: And if you doubt me… I’ll be glad to show you some things at lunch.

What a moron. Her and her attorney. I guess I can’t entirely fault the attorney – the meter is running, if her client insists on filing an injunction for essentially meaningless items, why the hell not?

I should have just gone to the hearing. It wasn’t that I was trying to “help” her as much as I was just trying to avoid wasting my time.

PEW: I told you what the # was $35k, +50% of the earnings in your 401k. and a car. and some of the stuff in the house. you just need to tell me if that’s acceptable. i’ll cancel monday if we can work it out. i don’t need her to write up $35k, 50% of the earnings in the 401k and a car. you should know if it’s acceptable or not, right off the top of your head
LM: Let me ask you… What makes you think you’re entitled to half of my 401K?
PEW: well let me correct that…… 1/2 then less 1/2 of mine
LM: ok. Which car?
PEW: doesn’t matter. either
LM: ok
PEW: i don’t really have a preference
LM: So 1 car
PEW: ok
LM: The equitable difference between the retirements.
PEW: right

You’ll notice her number has now moved from the earlier demand of $30,000 up to $35,000. This is something she will do every single time. Once we start talking about one benchmark, it is raised to another… be it financial, real estate, custody… she was always moving the target and so we would never settle until I just had to “give up.”

LM: I agree to that. Which brings us to the tough part. The number on the house. You believe that number is $35K?
PEW: around there. but i’ll be reasonalbe
LM: Okay… And you are aware that my understanding is that I believe differently, right?
PEW: yes
LM: So… Assuming we can obtain information from Domestic Relations regarding that information that your lawyer failed to explain to you properly… regarding what I allege is not part of marital property… (Domestic Relations ultimately makes that determination…) We can come to a more accurate number.
PEW: which is?
LM: I have no idea. I’ll have to ask my lawyer to ask Domestic Relations…
PEW: what is Domestic Relations?
LM: Or however that works. Family Court. They have formulae for everything, apparently.
PEW: so, you are telling me that you don’t have a round about figure in your head?
LM: No… because… the way I figured it is probably completely wrong. And there is no sense pissing you off with a number that may not even be remotely correct.
PEW: ok
LM: Okay. That was fairly productive. Call your lawyer.
PEW: not really, because we didn’t resolve anything
LM: Well… We’re resolved down to a number on the house.
PEW: which is pretty much where we were before the conversation
LM: Yes, but just for the hell of it, let’s pretend this was a positive step. Actually… As for Monday… Wait until after lunch to call your lawyer.
PEW: why?
LM: Cuz I’ll show you the petition. I wasn’t sure you had a copy or not.
PEW: well i’d still like to go Monday anyway
LM: As you wish.
PEW: she gave me the impression that it was for injunctive relief
LM: I just find it odd that you won’t spend the money to have your attorney draw up a sheet of settlement requirements…

It really wasn’t odd. She wasn’t willing to put out the money for important stuff like settling! But Hess Trucks and matchboxes – that was important enough to pay the attorney to draw up petitions for injunctive relief.

The problem was, anytime I had my attorney draw something up that was in keeping with something we had discussed, she would nix it… and I was out the costs of having something we had apparently agreed to – drawn up formally. So now, I was putting the onus on her to draw up an agreement and go from there. She wasn’t entirely stupid – she knew if she drew it up and I agreed to it – she wouldn’t have wiggle room to keep raising the ante.

PEW: and i will call her to verify
LM: …but you’ll spend money to prevent me from stealing stuff out of the house that hasn’t been stolen. That’s lawyer speak for… Filing an injunction. The injunction is being filed to prevent me from taking things out of the house.
PEW: you’ve already told me that $35k isn’t ok with you
LM: And to account for anything that I have already taken out of the house. Your attorney baffles you with bullshit. You see “injunctive relief” and think payment… support… money. It’s not.
PEW: well i said i’d call her
LM: She’s filed an injunction to prevent me from “dodging equitable distribution” based on things you told her. And things I’ve already explained to you. Okay.
PEW: well where are the Hess trucks and the video games
LM: If you want to spend your money so that I can tell a judge the same things I told you… that’s your prerogative. I told you… my brother’s
PEW: so, that’s what you’re telling the judge. they are at your brothers
LM: I also said… I’d bring them back if you brought back the guns… AND if you promised not to start giving them away.
PEW: ok
LM: I’ll bring them to court. I told you before, the only reason I took them…was your threats.
PEW: well then there is the $2200 payment to Citibank
LM: And?
PEW: you’ve refused to help me pay my cc
LM: Tell that to the judge and I will show him $1500 worth of payments to your credit card from August – December.
PEW: which was roughly $600 more…..stating that I had a spending problem
LM: I never said I wouldn’t help you pay your CC. Quite the contrary.
PEW: you said, it’s my debt
LM: I said it was your debt when you refused to budget with me.
PEW: oh
LM: And you refused to stop charging up your CC. All water under the bridge now, PEW. And by the way… You did notice the dates of those payments, right? Fully A MONTH before I had any idea you were going to file for divorce? That’s what makes this all so confounding.
PEW: ok, well let me call and find out about Monday
LM: ok

Money, support, alimony, the collectibles, her credit card payments… but *I* am the guy who was always worried about the money.

The bottom line for me was this – I wanted to keep the house for the convenience of it. Especially now that her apartment would be within 15-minutes of the house. The kids could continue to go to the schools that they loved, have their friends, the park within walking distance, great neighbors – it was effectively the only home that they had really known and it was a great house in a great community.

It still causes me near-physical pain to think that we couldn’t just settle the house and move on for the sake of the kids. I was spending my money to try to keep the kids lives as minimally upset as possible. She was spending money because she thought her investment, when deducted from her anticipated take, would be more than she would have gotten just settling. That’s on her and her listening to that idiot attorney she had who promised her that this was “easily a 60/40 case and quite likely a 70/30 case.” I can’t imagine on what she based this assumption other than her client’s gullibility, because the duration of our marriage and the mundane level of assets didn’t relegate this case to anything more than a nearly flawless case of 50/50 (at worst for me).

Even today, despite netting thousands less than zero, she believes it was all worth it. What a shame.

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Psycho Ex-Wife, Esquire – Contempt Hearing Highlights

PEW has taken on the role of attorney because she knows better than those in the legal profession how to handle stuff like our debacle. She knows better than the two seasoned veterans of Family Litigation she hired and subsequently fired. They “weren’t doing a good enough job” for her and that’s why she has been slowly losing her perceived grip on the situation(s). Yeah, that’s it. The more she acts on her own behalf, the more she fucks up, the more the people now “in charge” of our lives become aware of just the kind of terrorist we’re dealing with.

I never get to cross-examine PEW. The JC questions me, PEW questions me, and then JC questions PEW. By the time she is finished hearing all of the bullshit, she won’t even allow me to cross-examine PEW on her testimony. That’s just how convinced the Judge was that I was correct and PEW was found guilty of contempt on the issues I brought before her. She went straight to her ruling. It was a sight to behold, watching PEW break out the always popular last-ditch-effort the tears! If I didn’t think I’d be admonished by JC, I would have laughed out loud as she does it every single time she loses something, which has been a lot lately.

PEW: With regard to Christmas, did I not tell you that I was ill at any point?
LM: I believe probably Christmas Eve you told me you were ill.
JUDGE: Okay! Wait a minute. Wait a minute. The emails I have starting, let’s see, December 22nd through the 24th — on the 22nd it starts, “I’m not taking them to the exchange point.” And there’s nothing about sick then, is there?
PEW: Your Honor, I don’t recall exactly when I told him I was ill, but I have brought a doctor’s note, and I bought a letter from my employer.
JUDGE: I’m not sure I buy that. But we’ll see. Because the tone of these letters isn’t “I’m sick, I can’t come.” The tone of these letters is “Forget it guy. I’m not coming!” So, you sit down you ask your question. That one so far is not flying, but go ahead.

Our commentary: This is the very first question PEW, Esquire asks – and JC jumps all over her ass. Keep in mind, by the time PEW, Esquire is permitted to cross-examine me, JC has already asked me my version of events and I’ve submitted a well-organized, highlighted packet of email exchanges that supports the entire timeline of events leading up to Christmas. The text above probably doesn’t do it justice because you can’t “feel” the tone of JC – but she is direct, firm, and sarcastic when she wants to be. She pulls no punches in calling you out when you fuck up. Here’s a tip, PEW – it’s best to remember exactly when you said you were ill when you are using that as your excuse for failing to show up. Dumbass.

For the next excerpt, I wish that there was a video camera permitted in the courtroom and I could offer you a youtube link to JC reading the contents of one of the damning emails from PEW, Esquire:

PEW: With regard to Christmas, did I not beg you to come pick them up, saying that I was ill?
LM: I don’t recall you begging me to come pick them up. I recall you telling me that you were sick and couldn’t drive out there. It was at the last minute. I had plans for the evening. I believe I told you that I didn’t believe you were sick. And, in fact, if it pleases the court, I still have the voice mail from Christmas Eve and you don’t sound sick. You don’t say you’re sick. You say, “If your not coming to pick them up here, I’m going to my mother’s for Christmas,” and I believe you did go to your mother’s for Christmas.
JUDGE: Wait! Let me read this.
PEW: Oh, okay.
JUDGE: December 22nd at 14:59:59, from PEW:

“Go ahead. You’re going to look like an asshole. I’ll meet you next time per the court order. I’m not meeting you on Christmas Eve. That would be so like you to ruin the children’s Christmas. It’s a holiday. I have plans. I’m not meeting you at the exchange point because that’s not what the order says. I will be at my home till 7PM on Christmas Eve. If you’re not there by then, I’ll assume you’re not coming and I’ll take the boys with me. I’m not interfering with your custody. I offered to let you pick them up a day or two early, since you want such meaningful time. You’re so pathetic.”
JUDGE: Okay. Go ahead.

Our commentary: Any person with a shred of intelligence and dignity would have looked at the judge and conceded right there. Cuff me. Jail me. I am in contempt. I am so busted and I have no way out of this. Not PEW, Esquire, though – she is in court, playing attorney and she bulls on through the cross-examination seemingly unfazed.

It’s hard to describe just how flat-out sarcastic and condemning JC was being by reading that and the tone in which it was read. The Judge slapped her across the face and then in the same motion backhanded her – and it totally went right over PEW, Esquire’s head. After all, she had her question list to get through!

Another tip: PEW, when I start going off on a tangent and giving testimony that is incredibly damning to you, try objecting to stop me. Don’t just stand there dumbfounded as I go off on a soliloquy which strongly shows JC what’s at work here.

More to come. Check the categories in the sidebar for more updates. “Transcript Highlights.”

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November 2nd, 2007 – Thanksgiving Comes Early

Prior to November 2, 2007 – I was the “non-custodial parent” and had my children about 1/3 of the year. Every other weekend during the school year + extra time (holidays, spring and winter breaks, teacher in-service days, etc.).

November 2nd, 2007 was the latest in a long line of custody hearings during the course of the last 3-years and saw gain even more ground. After being unemployed for the better part of 9-months, I managed to secure a job, but not just any job (as future posts will detail) – a job back in my original state, which gave me the opportunity to get 50/50 custody of my children.

She had actually filed what I believe was her 6th-contempt petition against me in addition to a petition to modify custody to award her sole physical and legal custody. When I got my new job and secured housing in the state where the children reside, I exercised a clause that Judge Contempt entered into the custody order of October 13th, 2006, which read something like “…should father obtain employment and establish a residence in the state where the children primarily reside, he shall be granted 50/50 custody after a short hearing.”

I secured employment on September 4th, 2007. I secured a nice cottage house on October 6th, 2007 – only one week before my deadline. You cannot begin to imagine the series of events which had to happen to enable this dream to come true – and that they did was equally unimaginable. November 2nd, 2007 was that short hearing. I filed my counter-modification for custody on September 7th, 2007.

It was a fairly uneventful hearing. With exception of 2 provisions in my petition (items 4 and 8 – she didn’t like being ordered to meet halfway), PEW actually agreed to all of the rest of my terms. The entirety of my petition was as follows:

The Petitioner respectfully requests that the Honorable Court modify the existing Order of Court as follows:

1 – Legal Custody: Father and Mother shall have joint legal custody.

2 – Physical Custody: Father and Mother shall have joint physical custody. The schedule shall be alternating weeks, with exchanges taking place on Sundays, commencing with Father’s first available custodial week commencing after entry of this order or move-in date for the reserved [Work State] residence, whichever is later.

3 – Vacations: Vacation plans must be made by either party during their custodial time and may not interfere with the other parent’s custodial time. If vacation is to be taken, each party must provide the other a minimum of 15-days notice as to their vacations dates, locations & addresses,, and contact phone numbers.

4 – Custody Exchanges: Custody exchanges will take place at a mutually agreed upon location to be provided to the court in writing by both parties within 48-hours of this order. Exchange time shall be between 3:00PM and 4:00PM. Should father elect to spend custodial time with the children at their [Home State] home, the custody exchange shall take place at the [Exchange Point]. on Sundays, between 4:00PM and 5:00PM, unless Father is returning to his [Work State] residence, in which case, the exchange shall take place at the agreed-upon exchange point.

5 – Holidays, Special Occasions: Physical Custody of the children shall be shared by the parties according to the following schedule which takes priority over regularly scheduled periods of custody:

Thanksgiving to include the entire weekend of Thanksgiving. Father shall have custody in odd years and Mother shall have custody in even years.

Christmas to include December 24th through December 26th, Father shall have custody during even years and Mother shall have custody in odd years with the following exception: Pursuant to the contempt order entered by Honorable JC in March of 2007, Father was awarded the holiday of Christmas 2007 for the full week from December 23rd, 2007 through December 30th, 2007. Beginning in 2008, the aforementioned holiday schedule will resume.

New Year’s Holiday to include December 31st, through January 1st. Father shall have custody in odd years and Mother shall have custody in even years.

Easter Holiday shall be in accordance with the school calendar. Father shall have custody in odd years and Mother shall have custody in even years.

6 – Phone Communication with the Children: Each party shall have reasonable telephone access to the children at reasonable hours when they are in the custody of the other parent.

7 – Childcare: During the school year, the children are to be enrolled in aftercare associated with the school they attend preferably. If not, another licensed daycare facility is permitted as agreed upon in writing by both parties. During the summer period, the children are to be enrolled in a licensed daycare facility, summer camp, or certified nanny as agreed upon in writing by both parties.

Right of First Refusal – In the event that either parent cannot make themselves available to care for the children during their custody period for reasons which may include, but are not limited to; work travel, family illness, school holiday without work holiday, family emergency – the other parent will have first right of refusal to care for the children prior to any other arrangements being made. If the other parent is unable to care for the children under such circumstances, the custodial parent may make other suitable arrangements. Both the offer and acceptance/refusal must be made in writing.

8 – Child Custody Changes (Relocation): Should father lose employment and housing in the area where the mother resides with Mother at any time, all provisions set forth in the prior custody order dated October 13th, 2006 shall return to full effect if such termination affects his ability to remain a resident of [Work State] and financial circumstances necessitate a return to the [Home State] residence.

9 – Extracurricular Activities: Each party may sign up the children for sports teams or other extracurricular activities that take place during that parent’s custody time so long as that activity doesn’t require the children’s or child’s participation during the other parent’s custody time absent the other parent’s written agreement.

10 – Decision-Making: With regard to any emergency decisions that must be made, the parent with whom the children are in custody at the time shall be permitted to make the decision necessitated by the emergency without consulting the other party in advance. However, the parent making such a decision shall notify the other party of the emergency and consult with him/her as soon as possible. Day-to-day decisions of a routine nature will be the responsibility of the parent having physical custody at the time.

11 – Changes: All provisions of this agreement may be altered with prior WRITTEN agreement between both parties. If a deviation is agreed to by both parties, it may not be revoked or changed without subsequent written agreement by both parties. Written agreements may be accomplished via email, fax, or through other documented media.

The orders of January 11, 2005, August 28th, 2006, and October 13th, 2006 shall remain in full force and effect except as modified herein.

The Petitioner does pray and request that the Honorable Court will grant the Modification as stated herein on an Emergent Status. The reason for the request for emergent status is to allow the Petitioner to expedite the final plans for living arrangements suitable for the family and to permit the father the custody time to which he is entitled and fervently desires as quickly as possible.

Respectfully Submitted,
LM
————————
On item 4, the judge made me responsible for the full trip should I take them to my home in my home state (about 4-hours away) since I now have a residence and will usually be coming back to PEW’s home state.

The judge revised item 8 to exclude everything and call for a hearing because “many other circumstances may have changed as well and I would want to review the issues that may exist at that time.”

Neither wholly unreasonable. I got my 50/50 and that was all that truly mattered at that point. When asked on no fewer than 3 occasions by JC if she read and understood all provisions of the petition that were about to be entered as her order with the aforementioned changes, PEW answered, “yes.”

She’ll conveniently forget all of these details when she files her next contempt petition in an effort to destroy another holiday – Christmas 2007 – less than 45-days later… I’m in Contempt of the Future

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