The Next Problem: The Cellphone

Shocker! The Psycho Ex-Wife purchased a cellphone for S1. When he called me from it, he was so excited and I just rolled with it. He’s 10. I’m sure it won’t be long before the incessant whining for his own from S2 will result in his having one, too.

While I want the boys and girl to be educated on technology, it’s responsible use, and the costs associated with same, I am staunchly on the side of “children don’t need to have cellphones.”

It will be interesting to see how this plays out and how much issue she will have with my house rules regarding cellphone use. I considered saying “assuming she allows it to come to my home” – but I have no doubt she will ensure it’s sent. However, it will be left on the counter along with mine on the charger. It will not be going to school. And I can’t wait to see what happens the first time it is lost, stolen, or broken during my custodial time.

I’m sure now, in addition to the copious amounts of videogame time, followed closely by watching television time, will be sitting around playing with his new cellphone and the “Sedentary Lifestyle Trifecta” will be complete.

Nevermind the constant cry of an inability to pay her bills, the foreclosure notice, and all of the other complaints about money while not accepting responsibility for the poor decisions she makes.

Pessimistic about this development? You betcha!

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Letting Go After Divorce

Letting Go After Divorce

You married thinking your soul mate would be a great parent, and they were, they just weren’t the best spouse. There are now over one million children going through a new divorce each year. Though the courts are abandoning their once firm stance that mom is always the best parent, it’s often tempting for parents to fight for primary custody, even when the ex-spouse is capable and willing to share responsibility, to punish for deeds committed during the marriage. So how do you let go of the hurt so that you can both be great parents?

Counseling – It’s not just for married couples anymore. The circumstances surrounding a divorce often involve anger, betrayal, and even loneliness. Being able to discuss these feelings without bringing them into custody issues is imperative. Jeffrey R. Greene, Ph.D., LPCC from www.familytherapynet.com, says, “When the pain surrounding the divorce is absent or minimal, child-focused parents can work with one another toward the best interest of the child. When the issues that contributed to the divorce are unresolved, then co-parenting becomes challenging to impossible. One or both of the parents that may be struggling with feelings of failure, resentment, values differences, anger and other self-defeating feelings, would be wise to use the opportunity to establish a relationship with a therapist that can facilitate a change in their thoughts and feelings. Moving past old hurts requires letting go of one’s desire to seek revenge, minimize self-indulgence and stay focused on the needs of the child.”

Communication – While it’s tempting to keep telling your ex-spouse exactly how they hurt you, it isn’t going to change what happened to the marriage. According to Mr. Greene, “For ex-partners to get past distractions to their new mission of making joint decisions that meet their child’s needs without indulging in romps through a painful memory lane, the co-parents would be wise to establish rules or boundaries with regard to their interactions. When the co-parents have a healthy post marital relationship, their rules can be somewhat loose and ill defined. When the ex-partners are still embroiled in their pain or legal action, the rules and boundaries need to be explicit.”

Rae, divorced mother of three children says, “At first it was almost impossible for us to have a conversation without one or both of us exploding about some event that had nothing to do with the situation at hand. We eventually had to set a time limit on how long we had to complete discussions pertaining to the kids, and just walk away from each other at that point.”

It’s common sense to keep adult conversations away from the children, but often difficult in the heat of the moment. Scheduled phone calls after the kids are in bed, lunch meetings in a public setting, and even e-mail communication can all save children the added discomfort of hearing negativity. E-mail gives you several added advantages as well, such as the backspace button for those times when you stray off the topic at hand, written verification for schedule changes or other child centered requests, and the ability to prepare yourself for the interaction rather than being blindsided by a phone call during dinner.

Separate Custody and Child Support – It’s no surprise money is often a point of contention in marriage and is closely followed as a contention in divorce. While the amount of support the primary parent obtains from the co-parent is important, the interaction of both parents is what will build secure, strong children. Studies show that children growing up in fatherless homes are at greater risk for drug abuse, behavioral problems, suicide, dropping out of school, and are more likely to get in trouble with the law. Writing a check isn’t a substitute for fathers being able to engage their children on a regular basis, or even having the chance to be the primary parent if it’s in the best interest of the children. Studies also show that non-primary parents who have a significant amount of visitation, are more likely to pay their child support, making it a win-win for all involved.

Kids First – Most parents will tell you that they are fighting for everything in the divorce for the benefit of the children. Whether true or not, it’s often the children that are overlooked while the legal battle is raging on. “Children are always affected by divorce… always! Some are able to express their fears and feelings openly while others keep it to themselves. When a child begins to act-out or act-in beyond a reasonable amount of time… say 2 to 4 weeks, then they may be in need of some professional assistance. When children reach the limits of their ability to cope with stress and circumstances out of their control, some act-out… behaving in a manner that can range from hyperactive to irritable, from aggressive to verbally nasty, from rage to passive aggressive, and from inattentive to self-absorbed… while others act-in… depression, lethargy, academic underachievement, crying, suicidal thoughts, loss of interest, loss of social relationships, and disturbances of sleep and nightmares. When their behaviors are too much or too little for too long, consider a chat with their pediatrician, a psychiatrist or a mental health specialist,” advises Mr. Greene.

This article was written by DW and published in a parenting magazine.

More articles on divorce, custody, child support, parenting/step-parenting, among others can be found by simply clicking here.

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Childhood Obesity Crisis – The Beginning

In the posts Childhood Obesity Crisis Looms Part I and Childhood Obesity Crisis Looms Part II, I provided details about the history and concerns regarding our diametrically opposed approaches to the children’s diets, especially the types and frequency of snacking. It obviously became much worse after our split because, there was no ability to mitigate what went on when the children were with her.

The following demonstrates a clear example of how things were going to be. It reached a point where literally every single day that the children were to be with me, they would be delivered mid-afternoon with some sort of a snack just being finished up. What precipitated this email was a 4th consecutive day of them being dropped off with rather large ice-cream cones.

PEW,

I’m not asking you this to be a pain-in-the-ass. This is important and I hope that you will have no problem with it.

Today would mark the 4th consecutive time you’ve dropped the kids off immediately following a trip to get ice cream. I am asking you to please stop that practice.

#1 – It makes it incredibly difficult for me at dinnertime when they’ve had ice-cream at 2:30PM. I don’t need that kind of problem when I’m trying so hard to get them to eat more of the right things and snack a little less.

#2 – It makes it more difficult for me to use an after-dinner snack as a reward for good behavior when they’ve had a snack like that already, and mere hours before dinner. So, not only does it make for a bad eating habit, it also undermines my work to give them an after-dinner snack when they’ve earned it.

If you feel you must give them an ice cream snack, please give it to them at lunchtime or something and not right before you drop them off to me.

Thanks.

~LM

It was August 16th, 2004. No provocative language. A straight-up plea for her to take more seriously the nature of what the kids were eating and, more importantly, when they were eating it.

Not only did she not reply. She didn’t stop the practice. This is one of those classic examples of giving the high-conflict spouse and excuse to do more of what you would genuinely like them to not do. What sucks about this particularly situation, well – it actually did with most – was that it was to the kids’ benefit. That didn’t matter as long as it was something with which I didn’t agree. That’s the shame of it all. She just kept right on doing it and if you read the other posts linked in the opening of this one – you’ll see just how bad things have gotten with S1.

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PG-13: Parents Strongly Cautioned!

As the madness began to escalate in the summer of 2004, I made an issue out of a movie that PEW took the children to see. The movie was Spiderman 2. I probably wouldn’t have given it a second-thought until S1, then only 5-years old, told me about how scary the movie was and also showed me the “sexy kissing” he saw in the movie. When I asked him to show me what he meant, without a partner, he did a darn good demonstration of what a french-kiss looks like. Well, if a Saint Bernard was delivering one. It wasn’t quite like the tutorial brought to you by Wiki-How on french kissing.

In any event, I hadn’t realized that the movie was rated PG-13 by the Motion Picture Association of America. While I realize that I am more than likely in the distinct minority when it comes the types of movies that parents allow their young children to see, I don’t think it’s appropriate for children aged 5 and 3 to attend a PG-13 rated movie. From the MPAA:

A PG-13 rating is a sterner warning by the Rating Board to parents to determine whether their children under age 13 should view the motion picture, as some material might not be suited for them. A PG-13 motion picture may go beyond the PG rating in theme, violence, nudity, sensuality, language, adult activities or other elements, but does not reach the restricted R category. The theme of the motion picture by itself will not result in a rating greater than PG-13, although depictions of activities related to a mature theme may result in a restricted rating for the motion picture. Any drug use will initially require at least a PG-13 rating. More than brief nudity will require at least a PG-13 rating, but such nudity in a PG-13 rated motion picture generally will not be sexually oriented. There may be depictions of violence in a PG-13 movie, but generally not both realistic and extreme or persistent violence. A motion picture’s single use of one of the harsher sexually-derived words, though only as an expletive, initially requires at least a PG-13 rating. More than one such expletive requires an R rating, as must even one of those words used in a sexual context. The Rating Board nevertheless may rate such a motion picture PG-13 if, based on a special vote by a two-thirds majority, the Raters feel that most American parents would believe that a PG-13 rating is appropriate because of the context or manner in which the words are used or because the use of those words in the motion picture is inconspicuous.

This is not children’s fodder, no matter what you see when you cruise through the movie theatres and the stuff that parents will actually take their children to see. In any event, I asked her in the aftermath of the kissing demonstration by S1 to cease and desist.

PEW,

So… S1 is telling me about a movie he and S2 saw with Mommy. And he tells me how he watched Spider Man. I’m thinking the cartoon or something, but then he tells me that he “knows how grown-ups kiss.”

I ask him to show me. And (without a partner) – he does a pretty decent job of re-enacting a french kiss.

PEW… that movie is PG-13. PG-13 movies were pretty much “R” movies back in the days before PG-13 was made to get more kids in the theatre. In any event, a PG-13 movie is “inappropriate for children under 13.” Just because they are accompanied by an adult, doesn’t mean that they are suddenly appropriate. I would greatly appreciate it if, in the future, you don’t take him and/or S2 to see a movie that is rated higher than PG. Even PG movies can have strong language.

Spiderman 2 was not an appropriate movie for the boys to go see. The level of violence and the adult situations in that movie are inappropriate for the boys. Use your head.

~LM

This early attempt at keeping things calm, cool, and collected was scuttled by my closing sentence. However, knowing PEW as we do, it really probably didn’t matter in the grand scheme of things. It wasn’t a genuine concern. It was a criticism. It was calling into question her parenting. Therefore, it was an “ATTACK!” The barrage of replies is quickly underway.

LM,

Well, I won’t be taking them to any more PG13 movies. But there was no french kissing in the movie, so maybe he saw that when you were watching your soap opera. Give me a break LM. Stop trying to find shit to bolster your custody case. You make me sick.

~PEW

Liar. That wasn’t even really the issue. It was the level of violence that had me most concerned. Hell, the movie trailers were violent enough. Of course, this wouldn’t be my only attempt to curtail inappropriate viewing entertainment as we saw with the whole WWE debacle earlier in 2008.

PEW,

a) He doesn’t watch soap operas.

b) What he did was mimic a french kiss and tell me that you tried to cover his eyes.

c) The level of violence in that movie is the bigger problem with me.

Get a clue. All I asked is that you not take them to see anymore PG13 movies. Thank you for acknowledging that and agreeing not to take them to anymore of those movies.

Have a great weekend.

~LM

LM,

Please leave me alone. I am seriously trying to do my best. I have a tough job, rough hours, I take care of our kids FULL TIME. I was trying to be amicable with you but I am seriously doubting that you know the meaning of the word. Unless it is urgent and regarding safety, please address your concerns to [my attorney]. That is what I am paying her for.

I also took the kids to the [boat museum]. Should I have cleared that through you? How bout the hair cuts? I also bought S1 a new pair of sneakers. I took them [on vacation] this summer. To see Shrek II. We went to the Zoo. [We went to parks], swimming…..the list goes on and on. What have you done? Oh yeah, you’ve been on lock down at MY HOUSE all summer watching television. Living in my house, where I should be with MY kids.

You are a loser. LOSER. LOSER LOSER!

You’re welcome……asshole. now hurry up and print this out so you can take it to court with you. Along with the past 5 years worth of “alleged” emails you have. Some husband you are.

~PEW

Pooooooooooooor PEW.

– Tough job, rough hours. That’s the schedule she chose in order to put herself into position to leverage her alleged story that she was home full-time during the week to “care” for her kids. CHECK!

– The FULL TIME card is pulled. CHECK! (Nevermind pre-K, daycare, etc.)

– The “I’m trying to be amicable” delusion. CHECK!

– “MY” house. That house she rarely contributed financially to, unless you count amassing debt. The house she walked out of voluntarily. CHECK!

– “MY” kids. The kid-owner language of a vindictive ex. CHECK!

– Insulting, name-calling amicable language. CHECK!

Touch’em all, girl – you hit the Grand Slam!

And so ended the month of July in 2004. Who needs fireworks in July when you have a high-conflict soon-to-be ex-wife?

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Oops! …I Did It Again!

No, this is not a review of the popular (or should I say… once popular) Britney Spears song.

What I mean is, I have again violated my own advice and took a small step over the boundary (and advice) I lovingly refer to as LOW-CONTACT. Feel free to bash me with your comments. I deserve it. Still, despite thinking I knew that the words would be wasted, what I got in reply was completely unexpected.

It started off as appropriate communication and then I crossed that low-contact line. It was a continuation of the discussion about picking up the boys early today.

Here’s how it started:

LM,

Two things I wanted to let you know. I get done at 3 tomorrow, so I’ll pick the boys up from camp and then you can pick them up at the house. The second thing is that they told me you told them it was their choice about going with you this weekend? I really wish you could see how upset they are about this. I’m not trying to be a jerk to you or anything….I just wish I knew why they are reacting this way.

~PEW

My reply isn’t too bad in keeping it short and to the point. However, I do get into a slight bit of explanation.

PEW,

– Okay, I’ll pick’em up from the house.

– I did not tell them that it’s not their choice. I let them know that I would be asking you and it was your choice.

– They react that way because that’s what they do when they want to get their way. This is not a new display for them. When they’re used to getting their way when they whine, cry, and get all dramatic, that’s what they do. It’s also why they don’t do it with me. The parent makes a decision and the kids live with it. There is no reason why they should be left to badger you about this for days on end. “Mom and Dad made a schedule change. Stop whining.”

~LM

And comes the inevitable reply…

LM,

Well, I look at the bigger picture, which is, they should be HAPPY to be going to you early, not freaking out. That’s the part that I don’t like. I have S2 saying to me before bed, “I wish you and Daddy didn’t break up, why did you? then we wouldn’t have to do this back and forth back and forth all the time and the long trips all the time”……I don’t like to have to go back there and try to explain all this four years later….they should WANT to be with you. That’s the big picture….it’s not about getting what they want, because they don’t ever get what they really want.

~PEW

The usual guilt-tripping, mirroring, excuse-making, and of course, blaming while acting as though they “want” to be with her and “don’t want” to be with me.

Now, when I’m actually being smart – this is the point where I would go “dark.” That is, it’s the end of the replies. I wasn’t smart.

PEW,

You just don’t get it and likely never will.

~LM

I know having crossed the line, it will escalate.

LM,

I get it. Do you???

~PEW

NOW, I choose to wise up and not reply. I accept that my “beat around the bush” not being accusatory in my reply would probably fall on deaf ears. She doesn’t get that given the choice between fun-house all the time and fun-house some of the time with responsibilities, reading, learning, discipline and expectations… children will want to be at “fun-house all the time.”

What happened next was completely unexpected and apparently… serious…

LM,

We could get back together, is that an option?

~PEW

Are you fucking kidding me?!?!?! I’ve posted before about DW’s contention that this has been the case all along. I also posted specifically about a challenge and openly admitted, despite prior disbelief, that DW was absolutely correct and I was unequivocally proven wrong. (I can’t remember which one it was and so… no link for you!) This isn’t the first “get back together” overture by PEW, but I am still completely shocked each time it happens. Remember, I’m the drunken, drugging, physically/mentally/verbally/emotionally abusive, impotent homosexual who cares about no one and nothing except himself and money. It’s why she walked out on me and filed for divorce and fought me tooth-and-nail for custody of the children. I’m the guy who caused her to fear for her safety and that of the children.

She is sick. And it’s sad… and it’s frustrating… and worst of all – it’s scary. I have fears that I wouldn’t wish on anybody – and they have to do with the children… but again, there is nothing I can do about it.

I reply…

PEW,

Not only is it not an option, it never was nor will it ever be. I’m deeply in love with DW and I wish you would stop with such complete and utter nonsense.

And if you’re even remotely serious with that question – you’re just not right in the head.

~LM

Yes, I went “low-road” instead of low-contact. I told you… I still make mistakes. I make mistakes even when I know before I make them that they’re mistakes.

LM,

Well that would make two of us, who are not right in the head, wouldn’t it? I’m glad you’re deeply in love. You should try not hating me so much and thinking of yourself as so superior, because you’re just not.

~PEW

She’s right but not for the reasons she thinks. I’m not right in the head because, as I often say to others in similar predicaments… “You talk to her too much.”

What she and some others don’t get is – I don’t hate her. I often hate some of the things she does, but I don’t hate her. She’s just not right and for that I’m sad… most especially for the kids.

Tomorrow… my fantasy email reply to her lack of understanding about why the kids react the way that they do. I haven’t done one of those in a while.

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So I Don’t Have to be the Bad Guy…

The wait for the reply is over. At least initially, I was pleasantly surprised and prepared to say, “I was wrong, she came back with a reply that was civil and cooperative.” She did. Unfortunately, it wasn’t long before the backslide began and old habits reared their ugly head. The old habit? An inability to just step up and “be the parent.” So, without much further adieu – the reply regarding yesterday’s request for extra time with the children.

LM,

Actually, camp ends on the 15th for the summer. I had arranged to have my friend T——‘s nephew (a teenager) watch them that week, which is fine if you’re working up here and you want to leave them with him during the day at my house and just pick them up after you get done work that’s fine too.

I think it’s only fair that I let you have them early if you want this week since you did that for me when I wanted to go away. Are you guys going somewhere?

~PEW

A couple of things are interesting in this response. That is… aside from the apparent cooperation.

The first – the irony that she has a “teenager” prepared to babysit the children. This is another one of those examples where her rules don’t apply to her, just everyone else. Of course, the first thing I remember is her outrage that I had not one, but TWO very responsible 16-year olds watch the boys for a few hours on New Year’s Eve while DW and I attended a community event. So, it’s okay for her to do that (all day long while she is at work for a full week), but not okay for me to do it for a few hours. She made mention of it in this rant about her safety concerns.

The second – this is a violation of the court order. The childcare provision of our agreement was born of a couple of issues. #1 – her repeatedly pulling the children out of agreed-upon childcare and placing them with friends while pocketing my portion of the childcare expenses. (She was ultimately found in contempt-of-court on that issue.) #2 – Her objections over my early use of a nanny (who happened to be licensed and certified). In order to avoid any more problems, a provision regarding childcare requires:

7 – Childcare: During the school year, the children are to be enrolled in aftercare associated with the school they attend preferably. If not, another licensed daycare facility is permitted as agreed upon in writing by both parties. During the summer period, the children are to be enrolled in a licensed daycare facility, summer camp, or certified nanny as agreed upon in writing by both parties.

So much for her alleged safety concerns and at least she remains consistent in not following court orders. Still, I am pleased with the apparent cooperation!

Well, it didn’t last long. The initial response consititutes an “agreed upon change in writing between both parties.” See my post The Greatest Custody Order/Agreement Clause post. I wrote back:

PEW,

Thanks. If you have day coverage, that would make it MUCH easier. I can cover you on the 20th & 21st. No specific plans, just wanted to have two full weekend days to do stuff. Beach. Bike training. Whatever else we can think of.

~LM

Not long after my agreement to do both, comes the change via text and then email.

Text message 1 from PEW:

The boys freaked when I said they were getting pu early they said that ur not going anywhere.

Text message 2 from PEW:

Can we do it on a weekend u have something special so I don’t have to be a bad guy?

Email from PEW:

LM,

would you like to try to talk to them about this weekend? I felt really bad because they said they feel like they don’t get to spend enough time with me.

~PEW

It was nice while it lasted. It’s astounding, given how many times I’ve been deliberately put into the position of “bad guy” because she didn’t want to parent, discipline, explain appropriately, etc. because of her. This link explains it pretty well: Why Our Sons Will Struggle with Discipline. It is one of many examples sprinkled throughout this blog. Here she is, incapable of taking advantage of a perfect opportunity to explain to the children that mom and dad are cooperating and put down their clear attempt to manipulate the situation. Again, I will not bail her out.

PEW,

No, not particularly. What I would like is for you to tell them that we’ve made a schedule adjustment, as I have for you in the past and it would be nice to just spend a weekend doing things instead of spending one of the days interrupted by an exchange.

What I won’t do is get into a situation where they’re manipulating the situation into that one of us (whether it is you or me) have some “expectation” that something “special” needs to be done for them… on their terms. An explanation that we’re cooperating with one another for a change is all the reason that they need.

~LM

At this point, I’m not sure that the early pick-up this week is going to happen. Of course, that will be another violation of the custody order and the question becomes, do I point that out and go pick up the children anyway? We know that will only escalate the situation, but I am well within my rights to do just that. Of course, it will be met with the flaming email barrage which will be ignored.

In any event…

LM,

Fine. I’ll talk to them. As for the 20th and 21st, I just need you to take them overnight on the 20th. I’ll be coming home thursday night around 7 or 8ish, so I’ll just have someone watch them till I get home. On Friday morning I’m going to take them to [parent’s vacation home] for the weekend, so just confirm, ok?

I also wanted to talk to you about school supplies. I have lists and I am wondering if you will split the cost with me this year because I am broke, as you know?

~PEW

Aren’t we all? In the same breath that she informs me she is taking off from work to drive several hours for a weekend vacation – she’s telling me to split the school supplies because she’s broke. Did you catch that?

PEW,

I’m confirming everything with one exception. I’ll pick them [up] on Thursday and take them home and feed them and we can arrange to exchange as you get closer to home.

Email me the school supplies list.

~LM

Fine LM. I have the lists at home, I’ll try to remember to bring them tomorrow.

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Parallel Parenting – How It Evolves & Implementation

Research on families of divorce suggest that there are primarily three styles of parenting for families after a divorce: cooperative, conflicted, or disengaged. Cooperative parenting (co-parenting) is the style used by families in which conflict is low and parents effectively communicate about their child. It is generally regarded as the most healthy outcome for the children and the parents. There is generally agreement on most parenting values, consistency in parenting styles, and debates/conflicts about the child(ren)’s lives are few.

In the aftermath of a divorce involving children, the parenting plan tends to move in the direction of co-parenting by default. The courts and all those who are a part of the divorce & custody machine love to see co-parenting and use that language often.

Unfortunately, the reason that families are in court in the first place is not because of their focus on cooperation and their ability to do so. Many a disagreement, even in intact households, have been about parenting styles. On parent doesn’t like the way the other handles a certain situation or situations. Personally, I’d like to see the language “parallel parenting” hit the mainstream due to this reality. Why do these conflicts continue during parenting in the aftermath of divorce?

1. Continuation of hostility that began during the marriage
2. Differing perceptions of pre-separation child-rearing roles
3. Differing perceptions of post-separation child-rearing roles
4. Differing perceptions of how to parent
5. Concern about the adequacy of the other parent’s parenting ability
6. An unwillingness of one or both parents to accept the end of the relationship
7. Jealousy about a new partner in the other parent’s life
8. Contested child custody issues
9. Personality issues/factors in one or both parents that stimulate/escalate conflict

Whatever the reasons, the parents’ inability to separate their parental roles from prior conflict in the marriage is usually the most significant contributing factor post-divorce. This conflict is perhaps the most important variable in determining how your child adjusts to your divorce. Even if one parent does whatever it takes to reduce the amount of conflict in the aftermath of divorce – the benefits to the child are significant.

The first step towards minimizing the conflict post-divorce is learning to disengage from the other parent. Disengagement is one of the possible styles of parenting after divorce. If you disengage, you create a no-conflict zone around the children and have limited contact with the other parent. With disengagement, you avoid contact with the other parent so that conflict cannot develop. Disengagement is a necessary first-step to reduce the conflict before you can move on to the next style of parenting… parallel parenting.

There are significant differences between co-parenting and parallel parenting. Simply put: Cooperative Parenting vs. Independent Parenting. It’s really that simple and that difficult all at the same time. The name is derived from a similar concept in children’s play. Research psychologists have observed that young children who play together, but do not have the skills to interact cooperatively, engage in a process of parallel play. If they are in a sandbox together or taking turns going down a slide, they play next to one another, not with one another. Each child is doing her own thing with the toys, and generally ignoring the other. When they get older, they will learn to interact cooperatively and play together.

Co-Parenting VERSUS Parallel Parenting

1. Child Focused /// Adult Focused.
2. Parents communicate regularly /// Parents communicate only during emergencies or matters of an urgent nature relating to the children.
3. Parents can communicate in person/via phone /// Parents communicate in writing (email, text, etc) or via a third-party (NOT the children).
4. Major decisions are jointly discussed /// Major decisions are communicated rather than discussed (unless prohibited by a court order).
5. Parents work together as needed to resolve issues related to the child /// Households resolve day-to-day issues independently of one another. Each parent makes decisions about the child when s/he is in their household.
6. Parents work together with the best interests of the child in mind /// Parents work separately with the best interests of the child in mind (as they perceive them).
7. Smooth transitions from one home to the other /// Transitions may involve substantial change for the child(ren) and exchanges may be done at a neutral location.
8. Schedule is flexible and changes are negotiable /// Schedule is inflexible, few/no changes are made, a court-order typically dictates the exact schedule and deviations are rare. Parents need third-party direction.
9. Parents can discuss issues between child(ren) and the other parent, cooperative discipline, extracurriculars scheduling, etc. /// Parents individually responsible for own relationship with the child and direct any issues between child and other parent back to them. Nothing is planned or discussed that would impact on the other’s parenting time.

Under such an agreement, the parents establish two separate and distinct households. Each parent is responsible for providing for the children their own sets of clothes, copies of important documentation (birth certificates, doctor & dental reports, immunization records, social security cards, insurance cards, etc.), shoes, hats, coats, school supplies… you get the picture! Contact should in written form and limited to short, factual information. (See my low-contact article for tips). Whenever possible, the transition should be made as third-party. A time frame in established, for example, father will drop child(ren) off at school in the morning and mother will retrieve the child from school at the end of the day. In this type of arrangement, there is a time buffer and that allows for a safe, healthy, no-conflict transition.

Where very young children are involved, it is important to share all aspects of your child’s functions with the daycare provider when you do the drop-off. Using the same philosophy, it is of paramount importance for parents to share detailed information with each other upon the exchange of the child. A useful tool is a “parent communication notebook.” In this notebook you will write down the highlights of your child’s emotions, behaviors, important health information, important school information, etc. during the time the child(ren) are with you. Complete the notebook in detail and pass it along to the other parent at the time of transition. I strongly recommend that you create the pages electronically. It is not uncommon for these communications to remain “one-way” and you don’t want your hard work to vanish into thin air without a back-up. Don’t let the other parent’s lack of cooperation with the notebook stop you from continuing to perform this vitally important function. This notebook should stay with your child so each parent can use it as a forum for preserving thoughts about your child and their needs. Always remember the focus is on the children. You should include no opinions about the other parent and conversely, ignore any “editorial” comments that are made by the other parent.

It is my experience and the experiences of many folks whose stories I have read that a person suffering from or suspected of having borderline personality disorder will challenge any boundary established by their target(s). The efforts you undertake in moving towards a parallel parenting plan and establishing boundaries and low-contact methods – eliminates much of the frustration that exists as you struggle to parent/step-parent with a high-conflict ex-spouse (BPD or otherwise). A firm, documented set of rules provides the structure by which you can minimize the conflict in the aftermath of a divorce with a difficult personality. It will not eliminate the issues, but will dramatically reduce them when you become disciplined enough to maintain them. Remember, you cannot control the other person – only how you react to them. It takes practice and you WILL be challenged.

Ten Tips for Successful Parallel Parenting

1. Maintain an attitude for non-interference with your child’s other parent. Neither parent has influence or say over the actions of the other parent.
2. Carry on a business-like attitude; use common courtesy.
3. Do not plan activities for the children during the other parent’s time. It may be better for a child to miss an event than to witness conflict.
4. Stay focused on the present.
5. Stay oriented to the task at hand.
6. Keep your children’s best interests in mind.
7. Remember the goal is to keep conflict to a minimum.
8. Follow up in writing all agreements and discussions regarding the children, and do so succinctly!
9. When communication and/or negotiation is necessary, use a neutral third party to assist you.
10. Keep an open mind.

Even under the best of circumstances (whatever that means), parenting is challenging. Adding on factors related to divorce makes parenting even more challenging. Although it is useful for parenting plans in divorce agreements to be comprehensive and specific, it is virtually impossible for every detail to be addressed in a document. But that’s actually a good thing. Why? Because children benefit as their divorced parents develop the ability to manage the details of parenting without conflict.

Do you really want to go to court and have a judge make decisions about your child? You know and love your child. So does your child’s other parent. If the two of you have nothing else in common, you will always have your child in common. You may need help to develop practical, efficient techniques to communicate and make decisions, manage scheduling, set boundaries and clarify expectations.

Resources for information about parenting styles and sources for some of the content of this article include:

Parellel Parenting – A Form of Joint Custody

What is this about Parallel Parenting?

Cooperative or Parallel Parenting

Is Parallel Parenting Back?

Coparenting Summary

Parenting Coordination – Implementation Issues

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Noncustodial Moms "Do It," Too!

PEOPLE!!! They deal with these types of issues, too! WhatEVER were you thinking?

Good afternoon,

Wow. I’m nowhere near being in your shoes, but I can strongly identify with many of the situations you describe. My PEH is less destructive, but equally selfish, clueless and wrapped up in his bubble of mememememememe. He’s certainly not BPD, but narcissistic? Oh yes. Passive aggressive? Yes. And his on/off ex-for-now girlfriend? She’s just psycho.

I’ve been devouring the blog with the kind of fascination that happens when watching a spectacular train wreck. I kinda want to look away. I’m happy it’s not me. There’s nothing I can do about it. … but wow, it’s impressive. And it so could almost be me.

DW must be a very strong person. My own DH has some difficulty with PEH…

I started implementing my own version of low-contact. Obviously, it can’t be no-contact because we have kids. And he’s not usually abusive or nasty or hostile enough for that to be a problem — although we did go through a spell — but the low contact is definitely achieving what I want. He’ll call me at work with some kind of inane request or comment about the kids. Silly stuff, that really? Didn’t need to call me for that… and then turn it into a moaning self-pitying rant about life, his friends, or mostly, his psycho GF/not-GF.

I used to — yes, I admit it — actually try to lend a caring ear and talk him out of his loathing or self-pity, figuring helping him be happy would benefit the kids — and I’m just that kind of person. I’d give him a pep-talk at least once a week, and other days, just listen to him vent. But it was like being a kleenex. Wouldn’t ask me how I was — and if he did, it was with the “oh, yes, I must not forget to be polite” tone of voice, and he wouldn’t listen to the answer anyway, and generally cut me off. When things were good with the GF, I was worthless and evil, and we ought to be more independent of each other. When things were bad with the GF, I was a convenient shoulder to cry on. So I started training him. Very slowly, he’s learning. Complaining and carrying on about himself and his problems is met with the kind of stony silence he can hear. No “mmhm.” Nothing. Then he feels awkward and switches back to the topic at hand, or trying to find a topic. Yes, all he wants is attention.

We recently went through a real upheaval, and this is really where I realized how firm I needed to be about the ways I let him speak to me. I decided to move — one hour out of the downtown core. Yes, that makes me the big evil woman. I’m not. Quite frankly, I have the right to have a life, and it isn’t going to be by continuing to live in the shit-poor area of town within 5 blocks of his cat-piss smelling apartment building that I will build one. And since I can provide something better than inner-city welfare area housing, I will. But oh he wasn’t pleased. It was an insult. The kids don’t need better than that. It was horrendously selfish of me to not make my life plans around his wants and needs. Suddenly, the kids were his life, and he wasn’t going to accept any change at all to our custody agreement (informal and adjusted over the years as needed.) Whereas before? He was bugging me frequently to take the kids on his days so he could go out or spend more time with GF. His main complaint was that he resented me “doing this to him.” Hell, I wasn’t DOING anything to him, I was doing something FANTASTIC for the kids, namely providing them with a house in a safe, healthy, fantastic neighbourhood, and offering the option of a school they could walk to without the need for after school day care. He had options, I was open to negotiation. His position was “you’re not allowed to move. I won’t let you.” No words about what would be better or worse for the kids. Nope. Only about how it would affect his schedule. His attempt at “negotiation” started and ended with his suggestion that rather than DH and I buying the house we’d put an offer on, we should buy a duplex downtown with PEH, so that we could live in the same building (and, *shhh* he could mooch off our income and profit from owning a house that he would never be able to afford on his own.)

Well, we made it through that. We’re working with the new custody arrangement, which sees me getting the kids every weekend except one a month during the school year, and 50/50 in the summer. And it’s ok, but I think his parenting is poor, and letting him have them more than 50% of the time concerns me. Oh he’s not mean or nasty or violent. He’s subtle and baby-talks them, and puts all kind of health fears into their little heads. He actually wanted to include in the agreement that if the kids “expressed a need to attend an activity” we were both obliged to take them because “the kids’ needs come before our own” — this in reference to him scheduling weekend activities that I would then have to take them to, regardless of our (DH and I) plans. I clarified that activities like gymnastics are not NEEDS, but that is how he parents. If the kids want something it is a need and he bends over backwards to provide it thinking this will earn their love and devotion. Damn straight, but only for as long as the catering to their every whim lasts. And I become the nasty mean parent because I don’t let them get away with it. But every time they go back to his place they re-learn that whining gets them stuff, and I end up un-training them all over again. It’s crazy-making. He doesn’t see how this is harmful.

For the time being, he’s off again with his psycho GF. And you know what? She wants to maintain contact with the kids by writing letters to them. Previously, the last time the split, they had a “visitation” day. She would come over on Tuesdays to spend time with them, as if she had any right to maintain a relationship with them. Now, she wants to continue contact by letter. I told him sternly what I thought, but he actually was considering it because maybe it would be good for the kids; they like her.

So all this ranting to say I’m reading the blog everyday. Your experience is bolstering and fortifying my own position and opinions… thank you for sharing and exposing so clearly the nitty gritty details of what it’s like to deal with a nutty ex…

Good luck!

“MommaFish”

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He Told Me He Was Going to Kill Himself

Yes, this was a rough one. S1, in a fit of petulant anger, told PEW that he was going to kill himself unless he could play on the computer. It was March 8th, 2004 and S1 is 5-years old. Of course, this off-handed remark meant he needed therapy… again.

PEW: it’s been a bad day
LM: Oh dear.
PEW: S1 told me he was going to kill himself earlier when I told him he couldn’t play on the computer. I was like…..what the heck…where did you hear something like that? he said he just thought it up because he was mad at me. i’m thinking he needs therapy
LM: Didn’t we go thru this once before?
PEW: we did…but he never said he was going to kill himself before
LM: He’s being a fresh mouth.
PEW: he’s been “off the hook” all day
LM: I’m not concerned that he’s gonna off himself at this point. And if he’s been off the hook… he should be in his room. And not permitted out.
PEW: he was
LM: Not enough
PEW: he’s being good now
LM: Well then it worked.
PEW: well he poked S2 in the eye too

This is more of her “I don’t know what to do” helplessness. One son poked the other in the eye – call LM at work for help.

I’m all for being a part of parenting, but the incessant calls, emails, and IMs over their behavior issues when with her can become tiresome in a hurry. Further, the boys rarely acted the ways she would often describe for me. It’s not that I didn’t believe her. Quite the contrary – I did. She would never grasp that how they would behave was directly related to how she behaved, how she disciplined, how she rewarded, and how she interacted with them.

Children are smarter than we oftentimes give them credit for being. They learn quickly what they can get away with and will test the limits until reigned-in by a parent(s) with the ability to establish boundaries and enforce them consistently.

LM: I think you forget what it was like to be small.
PEW: is that what you think?
LM: Sometimes.
PEW: ok
LM: If my parents had thought all of our fighting was worthy of therapy… we’d probably be an institution today.
PEW: well funny you should say that…..because you all needed therapy. goodbye LM

Yes, as indicated by the reality that her family has many people, including two of her own siblings, diagnosed with or seriously suspected of having serious mental illnesses. Mine don’t.

Gotcha!

LM: Fight time?
PEW: no….i said goodbye
LM: Ok
PEW: we’re not fighting anymore, we’re getting a divorce. i’m done fighting with you
LM: Super.
PEW: when you get home….i’m going to take a ride for a few minutes
LM: No problem.

Too bad it wasn’t a permanent ride without a return trip.

Mental Health Crisis Hotline: (800)-969-6642

Suicide Prevention Tips Link

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Interesting Educational Results! Let’s Take a Look…

Shall we? These thoughts are obviously biased, but I’m really proud of all the children – they’ve all shown improvement or sustained their regularly high level of achievement. Today’s discussion centers on S1 and S2. Keep in mind that I finally achieved shared custody mid-way through the second marking period (of 4).

How did S1 do?

S1 took some state standardized testing this year. Across all categories he finished at the higher end of the “advanced” spectrum. Yes, his parents deserve a lot of credit, but I must tell you, the bulk of his studying – he did, mostly without assistance, and did so consistently between the time 50/50 was enacted (November of 2007) and the end of the year when the tests were taken.

As for regular school stuff:

READING:

1st period: 90. 2nd period: 92. 3rd period: 90. FINISH: 96

In the subcategories, he scored a “3” (Demonstrates skills with accuracy and without support) on all of them, all year long except one. In marking periods 1 and 2, he scored a “2” (needs support) in the category “Classwork, accuracy, timeliness, and neatness.” Nice improvement since the 1st-marking period.

MATHEMATICS:

1st period: 80. 2nd period: 93. 3rd period: 98. FINISH: 94

In the subcategories, he scored a “3” (Demonstrates skills with accuracy and without support) on all of them all year long. Nice improvement since the 1st-marking period.

SPEAKING AND LISTENING:

No numerical grades for this category. In the subcategories, he scored a “3” (Demonstrates skills with accuracy and without support) on all of them all year long except 1. In marking period 1, he scored a 2 (Demonstrates skills with support). He finished up with three consecutive 3s in that category. Nice improvement since the 1st-marking period.

WRITING:

1st period: 88. 2nd period: 86. 3rd period: 98. FINISH: 92

In the subcategories, he vacillated between a “3” (Demonstrates skills with accuracy and without support) and a “4” (advanced level – with no support) on all of them all year long. Nice improvement since the 1st-marking period.

This was important, because despite his early high grades, the neatness of his writing was atrocious, but his content, sentence structure, and his ability to stay focused and provide details was always very good. His neatness, when he applies himself, is now very good and something I worked very hard with him to improve.

SCIENCE:

Only two marking periods for this: 3rd period: 94. FINISH: 93

In the subcategories, he scored a “3” (Demonstrates skills with accuracy and without support) on all of them all year long. Good work!

SOCIAL STUDIES:

Only two marking periods for this: 1st period: 91. FINISH: 90

In the subcategories, he scored a “3” (Demonstrates skills with accuracy and without support) on all of them all year long. Good work!

Art, music, library, physical education, and health – all 3s and 4s, though at one point he did have a 2 in music.

In work habits and social development he scored a “S”atisfactory or “G”ood across all categories.

Absences: Less than half the previous 2 years.

Teacher’s Comments: S1 has shown great improvement this year in his work habits. I am very proud of how far he has come. Have a wonderful summer and good luck in the 4th-grade!

How did S2 do?

Being in 1st-grade, they still only do the scoring system 0 – 4. Here is how S2 measured up this year…

READING:

1st period: 2. 2nd period: 2. 3rd period: 3. FINISH: 3

In the subcategories, he scored a “3” (Demonstrates skills with accuracy and without support) on all of them all year long. Nice improvement since the 1st-marking period. In all 8 subcategories under reading, he went from 2s to 3s from the 1st-half of the year to the 2nd-half of the year.

I wonder if the fact that he tells me that mom doesn’t read to him or with him and I do can be a good reason for some of the improvement?

MATHEMATICS:

Math was handled a little differently that all other concepts and there are no fewer than 20 separate categories under math covering counting, algebraic concepts, geometric concepts, measurement, data use and analysis, and numbers & operations.

In the subcategories, he was predominantly 2s and 3s in the first two marking periods in those items being covered. A “2” is Child is making adequate progress. Child appears to understand some concepts of problems and attempts to solve them. Child demonstrates an understanding of the concept of skill being assessed that is marginally short of what is expected.”

By the end of the third marking period, S2 rated a 3 in all categories.

By the end of the year, S2 rated all 3s and 4s. A “4” is Child is making progress that exceeds expectations. Child solves problems correctly and demonstrates a sophisticated and and well-articulated understanding of the skill or concept being studied.

He finished with nine “4s” and thirteen “3s.” In three of those categories, he was a 2 as recently as the 2nd marking period.

I watched this boy go from someone who was uncommunicative and frustrated with his lack of know-how to one who openly and frequently discussed the problems, looking for aid in understanding the problem-solving concepts – to getting snippy with me when I offered to aid him late in the year because “I can do it myself!”

(I made both boys into “private investigators” who use math tools to “solve the mystery” when doing math problems. It was a whole lot of fun when going over the “clues” together to solve the problems.)

SPEAKING & LISTENING:

In the subcategories, he scored a “3” (Demonstrates skills with accuracy and without support) on all of them all year long, except the troublesome ones. He rated 2s all year long in the sections for “listens to others” and “contributes to class discussions.”

His inability to listen well and follow instructions (the two go hand-in-hand) would be the chief criticism of the teacher all year long… and one I worked on, at times, badgered him about, much the same.

WRITING:

In the subcategories, he scored all 1s and 2s to open the year. (A “1” = Does not demonstrate the skills, even with support). By the end of the 2nd-marking period, he was 2 in all categories except one in which he scored 3. By the end of the third marking period he was about half-and-half, four 2s and three 3s. By the end of the year, he scored a 3 across all categories. Nice improvement since the 1st-marking period.

In social studies, science, physical education, music, and art – he was 3s all year long across the board.

In work habits and social development, he scored “S”atisfactory and “G”ood in all categories except those most critical. He closed with a “N”eeds Improvement for “listens attentively and follows instructions” and “demonstrates self-control.”

Apparently, the teacher says he struggles with being easily distracted by his classmates and easily gets enticed into clowning around, which means he needs to be retold class instructions and such.

Absences: Less than half the previous two years.

Teacher’s Comments: S2 has made great progress in reading this last marking period. To maintain this progress, I highly recommend that S2 continue reading every day during the summer. S2 has had some difficulty staying focused on his work. He was easily distracted by other students. I hope you have fun this summer and a great year in 2nd-grade.

Finally, a couple of my own observations:

– Improvement across the board for both boys in critical areas. S2 was the only exception with no great report cards on his classroom behavior and listening skills… which is kind of odd since he is the one usually listening at home and S1 is the one who needs to be told/reminded repeatedly about things.

– The results fly in the face of her oft-repeated assertions (as always, unsupported by any objective evidence) that their schoolwork (among other things) has been suffering since the custody change.

– The teachers did a great job. S1’s teacher, in particular, was very communicative and worked hard to help see that S1 turned some things around in the work ethic department. S2’s teacher, no so much in terms of regular communication. Despite a number of requests that went without response, I wrote asking her to inform me the same day of any ‘negative events’ so that I may address them immediately. This was a great help with S1 because regular reports quickly demonstrated for him that I was “in the know” on a near real-time basis and he wouldn’t slide by without me knowing pretty much everything. The lack of cooperation in that regard, even minimally, with S2’s teacher didn’t help me, didn’t help her, and obviously, didn’t help S2.

Still, these two teachers did a fabulous job.

Am I taking all of the credit on the home front? Certainly not. This is more about showing again that real evidence disproves yet more hysterical claims of the PEW. I know what I do with the children regarding their educations (and activities) and in some cases, what she doesn’t do – because the children tell me.

The kids were happy, healthy, and interested in “school” prior to the split & divorce and thrived in a classroom environment. While they continued to do well when I was NCP, there was some slight backsliding. Finally, since 50/50 and over the course of 2/3s of a school year – they’re achievements are back up again.

I hope I can keep that momentum going in all future years, too!

Thanks to the teachers. The boys got great big “atta’boys” for their efforts and results during the year.

Now… getting S2 to wise up and pay attention in class next year…

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