ADK Writes Again and it’s Not Good

LM & DW

Hi. I had contacted you over 6 months ago regarding our own PEW.

I am once again reaching out for help. Since our last e-mail to you, we have become engaged and plan to be married in 6 months.

Everything had improved for a while – we were doing parallel parenting and discussing NOTHING over the phone (since it’s not documentable means of communication). We had stopped responding to her e-mailed rants and only responded with bulleted texts or e-mails regarding relevant matters on his three sons (9, 7, and 5). I guess she didn’t like that very much, because 2 months ago she got a court-appointed parent coordinator. What might have had the potential to be a helpful situation has crashed and burned. The coordinator insists that the SMALLEST matter be solved in a face to face meeting between her, my fiance and the PEW. The PEW, craving contact with my fiance, relishes this and is constantly trying to bring up defining my role with her children, asking what the legal role of a stepmother is, etc etc. The parenting coordinator, who I am guessing was dumped by a husband in the past, indulges the PEW and will literally yell at my fiance. He has to go or he will be held in contempt of court. If he requests a new coordinator, there is a chance one could be a appointed that has binding decision-making authority. This one doesn’t have that (Thank God).

The latest extravaganza is her telling my fiance through e-mail that their oldest son has been crying a lot lately and has been writing very dark and disturbing writings and artwork. He immediately texted to speak with her over the phone (since that is an emergent issue). She calls, and begins to say how the 9 year old wants to break everything in sight, “including our marriage”, and that he’s “suffering” because of us getting married, and that she has disturbing artwork and writings from him. My fiance asked her 5 times to provide him with these. She hedged each time. He has now asked her for 3 days, and all she will respond with is “I think he needs therapy, so if you’d like to sit down and meet with me……”

I am afraid she is going to hide behind a blown-out-of-proportion 9 year olds concerns about his father’s remarriage to dictate whether I should come to school functions, sport functions, what my role should be, whether the kids should come to the wedding, etc etc

By the way, when this child is with us, it is all smiles and happiness, no tears, many drawings of us as a family with rings on my hand and my fiance’s hand, cards saying ‘I Love You,” etc……

Any advice you could give on this matter would be greatly appreciated. We don’t know what to do.

Thank you,

ADK

ADK,

Again, I’m sorry to hear of your troubles. I know it’s no great solace, but your experience with the Parenting Coordinator is not as uncommon as you may think. I’ve seen stories eerily similar to yours.

Like many of the players in the divorce and family court arena, there are those with inherent biases, experiences, thoughts and solutions that simply don’t fit a high-conflict personality such as your PEW’s. These idealistic people believe that everyone is an adult and if we could all just sit down in a room together and speak rationally, there would no longer be problems.

Unfortunately, in your case as you’ve described it – your PC is facilitating a dangerous situation. Your PEW having unfettered access to your DH will never go away. It is the antithesis of “LOW CONTACT” and will forever be the vehicle by which she can maintain and even escalate her reign of chaos on the entire family.

Further, your PC is clearly overwhelmed by the situation, biased, and most importantly – completely unprofessional.

My advice: Fire the parenting coordinator. Regardless of the risks involved with the next one, this one is doing you two no good and is further making difficult your lives with her lack of helpful problem solving, lack of professionalism, and abusive tactics. The PC has literally become the negative advocate for your PEW.

My fear would be that by allowing this pattern of experience to continue, you end up in court, and the PC provides substantial support for PEW and contends that you are the difficult ones.

In closing – as for the “stories” about the 9-year old… I would disregard them unless you hear or see for yourself that such behavior is manifesting itself with him. Keep your eyes on the situation. If I had a nickel for everytime The PEW said that the boys “cried hysterically” and “hating going to you” – not only would I be rich, they wouldn’t have as much fun nor appear to be the normal, well-adjusted kids that they are when they are with me. It’s another weapon used to make you two doubt yourselves. Don’t let it work. Talk to the boy. Tell him that you hear he is interested in art and writing and ask him to tell you about it – even share some with you. That’s how you find out what’s going on with him. Certainly the PEW is only going to paint a picture of worry, blame, and fear – even if it’s complete fiction. Don’t get sucked into the madness. Avoid her efforts to keep a high level of contact with DH. I have a 9-year old. They can be spoken to. They do respond. They will share with some kindness and patience.

Maybe the readers will have some more suggestions that may prove helpful or even better than my thoughts. As always – wishing you the best possible outcome.

Sincerely,
LM

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Unrequited Cooperation

While no surprise, I still feel compelled to toss out a short post.

I’m all about following the court-order to the letter. The fewer deviations we have, the less interaction we have, everyone is “happy.” Still, in the spirit of cooperation and knowing that there will come a day or days when I need some schedule flexibility, I will attempt on occasion to be flexible in the foolish hopes of seeing it reciprocated when a need or even a desire comes into play for me. Usually, it gets shot-down and I stop being flexible for a while and then try again some time down the road. It’s a prime example of why co-parenting fails in such situations and parallel-parenting is employed.

I’ve recently “tried.” The PEW was scheduled to go on vacation with the children the week of July 6th. As I knew where they were going and that she would be “waiting around” until exchange day (Sunday), I offered her the children a few days early so that they could depart as early as Thursday night, but more likely Friday.

PEW,

Also, it looks like we’ll head up early for 4th weekend, so if you would like me to drop them off on Thursday night so that you can take an extended vacation, speak now or forever hold your peace.

~LM

LM,

That would be great if you wanted to drop them off thursday night I just really didn’t want to drive all the way to [old summer exchange point] then to the shore. I would be happy to return the favor if you go away over the summer.

~PEW

PEW,

Very good then.

Thursday is a “work” day for me, so it probably won’t be until bedtime”ish” – but plan on the evening of the 3rd.

I’ll ask for a Friday pickup at least one time during the summer, I’m sure.

~LM

A couple of weeks ago, she claimed to have a business trip out of town for August 4th and 5th. She asked if I could keep the boys a few extra days. AFTER I made arrangements and agreed to do it and asked for her written acknowledgement, she hedged, claiming it wasn’t “officially set yet” and she might not be going after all. I told her I needed it in writing by July 28th in order to make appropriate plans and she subsequently said she wasn’t going after all. (I’m not sure she actually has a business trip, but that really doesn’t matter to me.) This is also why a “right of first refusal” clause is very important in custody agreements.

So, there’s twice. Big time flexibility.

Interestingly enough, because of some family activities and a burning desire to do some chores early this past Sunday, when she asked me about what time I would be doing the exchange with the children, I asked, if it was no imposition to her, if I could drop them off a few hours later. It would give me time to get the lawn mowed, some wash done, COOK them a lunch and dinner and take our time.

Her reply was unfavorable. She claimed because she had “only called one time” during the week, she really wanted to see them and wanted me to drop them off in accordance with the order. So, without argument, I scalped the lawn, threw everything in the minivan, grabbed a bite to eat on the road and got there at the prescribed time.

So much for reciprocation.

Additionally, because I went to spend an entire weekend doing nothing but fun, relaxing stuff, I was planning on asking for the boys on Friday for an extended weekend on the front-end of my next custodial period. I have been skeptical about obtaining that given the fact that I couldn’t get a couple of hours, but a question never asked always has a “no” answer.

This morning I get an email about another business trip to the same place.

Hi LM,

Ok, I have another dilemma. This time I absolutely have to go to [out of town] leaving the 20th around 11am and coming home the 21st at around 7pm. I got out of it the last time, but this time is a must for me. Can we switch off at all?

~PEW

Seeing this as a potential opportunity for a “yes” answer, I reply:

PEW,

I just have to check my work calendar. Are they in camp that week?

Also, I was wondering if I might be able to pick up the boys early this week, on Friday from camp to have a couple of extra days on the weekend?

Let me know.

~LM

Now, I have no intention of using this as a “if you don’t do for me, then the answer is no” situation. I welcome the additional time with the kids any chance I can get it. As usual, cooperation continues to be a one-way street with PEW. Yes, I know this. Yes, it’s expected.

Still, I’ll give her many opportunities to back up her lies with supportable action, and if she fails – it’s just another thing for the evidence folder. If she succeeds, I’ll be happy to post that she has cooperated without a hassle.

Anyone want to venture a guess as to her response while I sit here and await it?

My guess: I really value my time with the children and we have a WWE MARATHON OF CAGE MATCHES to watch together all weekend long! Forget I asked, I’ll just find someone else to watch the kids for my business trip. I don’t know why you always have to do this to the children! THINK OF THE CHILDREN!!! YOU ALWAYS DO STUFF LIKE THIS LA LALALALLALALALAL!!! RANT RAVE CURSE SPEW!!!

Then I’ll remind her of the ROFR clause and keep them for her “business” trip anyway…

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Parallel Parenting – How It Evolves & Implementation

Research on families of divorce suggest that there are primarily three styles of parenting for families after a divorce: cooperative, conflicted, or disengaged. Cooperative parenting (co-parenting) is the style used by families in which conflict is low and parents effectively communicate about their child. It is generally regarded as the most healthy outcome for the children and the parents. There is generally agreement on most parenting values, consistency in parenting styles, and debates/conflicts about the child(ren)’s lives are few.

In the aftermath of a divorce involving children, the parenting plan tends to move in the direction of co-parenting by default. The courts and all those who are a part of the divorce & custody machine love to see co-parenting and use that language often.

Unfortunately, the reason that families are in court in the first place is not because of their focus on cooperation and their ability to do so. Many a disagreement, even in intact households, have been about parenting styles. On parent doesn’t like the way the other handles a certain situation or situations. Personally, I’d like to see the language “parallel parenting” hit the mainstream due to this reality. Why do these conflicts continue during parenting in the aftermath of divorce?

1. Continuation of hostility that began during the marriage
2. Differing perceptions of pre-separation child-rearing roles
3. Differing perceptions of post-separation child-rearing roles
4. Differing perceptions of how to parent
5. Concern about the adequacy of the other parent’s parenting ability
6. An unwillingness of one or both parents to accept the end of the relationship
7. Jealousy about a new partner in the other parent’s life
8. Contested child custody issues
9. Personality issues/factors in one or both parents that stimulate/escalate conflict

Whatever the reasons, the parents’ inability to separate their parental roles from prior conflict in the marriage is usually the most significant contributing factor post-divorce. This conflict is perhaps the most important variable in determining how your child adjusts to your divorce. Even if one parent does whatever it takes to reduce the amount of conflict in the aftermath of divorce – the benefits to the child are significant.

The first step towards minimizing the conflict post-divorce is learning to disengage from the other parent. Disengagement is one of the possible styles of parenting after divorce. If you disengage, you create a no-conflict zone around the children and have limited contact with the other parent. With disengagement, you avoid contact with the other parent so that conflict cannot develop. Disengagement is a necessary first-step to reduce the conflict before you can move on to the next style of parenting… parallel parenting.

There are significant differences between co-parenting and parallel parenting. Simply put: Cooperative Parenting vs. Independent Parenting. It’s really that simple and that difficult all at the same time. The name is derived from a similar concept in children’s play. Research psychologists have observed that young children who play together, but do not have the skills to interact cooperatively, engage in a process of parallel play. If they are in a sandbox together or taking turns going down a slide, they play next to one another, not with one another. Each child is doing her own thing with the toys, and generally ignoring the other. When they get older, they will learn to interact cooperatively and play together.

Co-Parenting VERSUS Parallel Parenting

1. Child Focused /// Adult Focused.
2. Parents communicate regularly /// Parents communicate only during emergencies or matters of an urgent nature relating to the children.
3. Parents can communicate in person/via phone /// Parents communicate in writing (email, text, etc) or via a third-party (NOT the children).
4. Major decisions are jointly discussed /// Major decisions are communicated rather than discussed (unless prohibited by a court order).
5. Parents work together as needed to resolve issues related to the child /// Households resolve day-to-day issues independently of one another. Each parent makes decisions about the child when s/he is in their household.
6. Parents work together with the best interests of the child in mind /// Parents work separately with the best interests of the child in mind (as they perceive them).
7. Smooth transitions from one home to the other /// Transitions may involve substantial change for the child(ren) and exchanges may be done at a neutral location.
8. Schedule is flexible and changes are negotiable /// Schedule is inflexible, few/no changes are made, a court-order typically dictates the exact schedule and deviations are rare. Parents need third-party direction.
9. Parents can discuss issues between child(ren) and the other parent, cooperative discipline, extracurriculars scheduling, etc. /// Parents individually responsible for own relationship with the child and direct any issues between child and other parent back to them. Nothing is planned or discussed that would impact on the other’s parenting time.

Under such an agreement, the parents establish two separate and distinct households. Each parent is responsible for providing for the children their own sets of clothes, copies of important documentation (birth certificates, doctor & dental reports, immunization records, social security cards, insurance cards, etc.), shoes, hats, coats, school supplies… you get the picture! Contact should in written form and limited to short, factual information. (See my low-contact article for tips). Whenever possible, the transition should be made as third-party. A time frame in established, for example, father will drop child(ren) off at school in the morning and mother will retrieve the child from school at the end of the day. In this type of arrangement, there is a time buffer and that allows for a safe, healthy, no-conflict transition.

Where very young children are involved, it is important to share all aspects of your child’s functions with the daycare provider when you do the drop-off. Using the same philosophy, it is of paramount importance for parents to share detailed information with each other upon the exchange of the child. A useful tool is a “parent communication notebook.” In this notebook you will write down the highlights of your child’s emotions, behaviors, important health information, important school information, etc. during the time the child(ren) are with you. Complete the notebook in detail and pass it along to the other parent at the time of transition. I strongly recommend that you create the pages electronically. It is not uncommon for these communications to remain “one-way” and you don’t want your hard work to vanish into thin air without a back-up. Don’t let the other parent’s lack of cooperation with the notebook stop you from continuing to perform this vitally important function. This notebook should stay with your child so each parent can use it as a forum for preserving thoughts about your child and their needs. Always remember the focus is on the children. You should include no opinions about the other parent and conversely, ignore any “editorial” comments that are made by the other parent.

It is my experience and the experiences of many folks whose stories I have read that a person suffering from or suspected of having borderline personality disorder will challenge any boundary established by their target(s). The efforts you undertake in moving towards a parallel parenting plan and establishing boundaries and low-contact methods – eliminates much of the frustration that exists as you struggle to parent/step-parent with a high-conflict ex-spouse (BPD or otherwise). A firm, documented set of rules provides the structure by which you can minimize the conflict in the aftermath of a divorce with a difficult personality. It will not eliminate the issues, but will dramatically reduce them when you become disciplined enough to maintain them. Remember, you cannot control the other person – only how you react to them. It takes practice and you WILL be challenged.

Ten Tips for Successful Parallel Parenting

1. Maintain an attitude for non-interference with your child’s other parent. Neither parent has influence or say over the actions of the other parent.
2. Carry on a business-like attitude; use common courtesy.
3. Do not plan activities for the children during the other parent’s time. It may be better for a child to miss an event than to witness conflict.
4. Stay focused on the present.
5. Stay oriented to the task at hand.
6. Keep your children’s best interests in mind.
7. Remember the goal is to keep conflict to a minimum.
8. Follow up in writing all agreements and discussions regarding the children, and do so succinctly!
9. When communication and/or negotiation is necessary, use a neutral third party to assist you.
10. Keep an open mind.

Even under the best of circumstances (whatever that means), parenting is challenging. Adding on factors related to divorce makes parenting even more challenging. Although it is useful for parenting plans in divorce agreements to be comprehensive and specific, it is virtually impossible for every detail to be addressed in a document. But that’s actually a good thing. Why? Because children benefit as their divorced parents develop the ability to manage the details of parenting without conflict.

Do you really want to go to court and have a judge make decisions about your child? You know and love your child. So does your child’s other parent. If the two of you have nothing else in common, you will always have your child in common. You may need help to develop practical, efficient techniques to communicate and make decisions, manage scheduling, set boundaries and clarify expectations.

Resources for information about parenting styles and sources for some of the content of this article include:

Parellel Parenting – A Form of Joint Custody

What is this about Parallel Parenting?

Cooperative or Parallel Parenting

Is Parallel Parenting Back?

Coparenting Summary

Parenting Coordination – Implementation Issues

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Why Our Sons Will Struggle for Discipline & Responsibility

Before the email below was sent to PEW, I looked at DW and told her what I expected the response to be. Sadly, I was correct almost to the letter and it makes me sick.

S1 has, on occasion, been a disciplinary problem at school. He sometimes will lack the self-control to appropriately handle escalating situations which has invariably resulted in physical confrontations. The Psycho Ex-Wife’s almost complete inability to discipline the children has led to instilling them with a complete lack of self-discipline, self-awareness, respect for others, and responsibility for their actions while in her care. I hold the children accountable for their actions and a situation like this rarely occurs during my custody period.

When I was relegated to non-custodial parent status, during the school year I was on the every other weekend basic schedule. I did get extra time during breaks, holidays, summer, etc. When these issues came up at school, PEW’s brand of discipline was picking up the phone and calling me to do it over the phone. Often, when asked for suggestions on punishment, I would make suggestions which would then be ignored. Very often, S1 didn’t get punished at all by PEW and I just wasn’t going to be phone-disciplinarian and be set up like so many fathers before me as “the bad guy who was solely responsible for meting out discipline.”

I can remember one year, not sure if it was last year or the year before, S1 had been involved in 6 or 7 physical confrontations (1-way or 2-way) in the first 4-months of the school year. It wasn’t going to get better and so I intervened. The normal level of discipline for these non-injury physical altercations at school was recess suspension. You lost recess for one day. I had a sit-down with S1 where I explained my near-zero-tolerance policy which would punish any physical altercation except those where there was clear and convincing evidence that he had no choice but to defend himself. I knew the risk associated with that definition would be attempts to make any confrontation one of self-defense, but I simply didn’t want to put him in a position to get bullied by others, either. By the way, I should add that S1’s size makes him look years beyond his actual age of 9 and probably the biggest child in his age group by a good measure. As I felt that a single day’s recess was ineffective at deterring his behavior, I told S1 that from here on out, I was instructing the teachers that the number of recesses that will be suspended for each ensuing altercation would match the number of altercations he’s had for the year. Plus, there would also be discipline on the home front. That would mean since we had 6 altercations already at the time, the next one would result in 7-days of recess suspension. The one after that would result in 8-days recess suspension. And so on. Well, his reaction was shock and disbelief and crying – so I knew I had chosen a good one. PEW, when she heard of my plan from S1, promptly called me and freaked out that I was unfair and run a “boot camp” and so on. Ask me how many more physical confrontations S1 was involved in that year? If you guessed ZERO, you would be correct.

During this past summer, when I had full custody – I don’t recall there being any physical confrontations at summer camp. Since the entire custody arrangement has since changed to 50/50 year-round – until yesterday – there had been no physical confrontations at school.

Tuesday, during a non-sensical escalation with a peer over a shamrock ring which belongs to S1, he was pushed or punched in the chest. The description he gave me was that while attempting to deflect blows and retreat, he hit the other kid in the face. My conclusion given the other details was that he failed to recognize things were escalating and didn’t do a good enough job to avoid it getting physical and would therefore be punished. No yelling. No screaming. No finger wagging. Just a short sit-down discussion about what happened and what the consequences would be.

They would be stiff (for a 9-year old). In this day-and-age, things going on at school will often be dealt with by imposing unusually harsh punishments and my child will not grow up to be a bully like his mother and his Aunt PP if I have anything to do with it. I wonder if the children’s experiences in seeing how their mother and aunt deal with situations has any bearing on their responses and reactions? Coincidence? I think not.

So, given that this is a situation that, according to my boundaries, is a matter of enough significance to warrant keeping PEW informed, I relucantly send an email last night which confirms the Easter weekend details (unrelated) and informs her of this situation. Now I know you won’t be shocked by the reply, but I still want to make mention that this is the person who you see and will continue to see pontificate about “co-parenting” about which I allegedly have “no clue.”

PEW,

For Easter weekend, I will pick them up on Monday morning. Please let me know what time is appropriate.

Today, when I picked up S1 from aftercare, I was informed that there was an “incident” where S1 was involved in a physical altercation with another boy. No one was hurt. S1 was apparently pushed, punched, and/or poked… S1 hit the other boy in the face. All were apparently inconsequential blows.

However, I’ve been very clear with S1 that there is a zero-tolerance policy regarding physical confrontations at school.

His punishment is a loss of snack for tonight and he will not be attending the scout hike this weekend. If the scout hike is postponed, it will remain the punishment for the rescheduled date. It is my hope that if it happens to be rescheduled during your custody time, you will honor the punishment.

~LM

Readers, feel free to give me some honest feedback. I believe that this is a more than appropriate consequence for the action in question. The email is straightforward, clear, and looks for support and buy-in from PEW. S1 values his time and activities at Cub Scouts greatly. This weekend was a family hike with some specific activities (which can be made up later, I already contacted the Leader) – and now we aren’t going. Obviously, fighting with others at school violates the basic tenets of Cub Scouts. S1 was upset, but I explained to him that the punishment needs to be memorable enough for him to really make him think twice before engaging in any fights at school – and that the discipline will only be greater if these actions continue. I could tell he was holding back tears, but it was also clear he understood and even said so, if only to satisfy my desire to see him accept responsibility.

Here is PEW’s buy-in:

LM,

Why didn’t you have S1 tell me about this on the phone last night? I AM PISSED that you took away the hike of all things. What exactly is he learning by missing a cub scout hike? I think you did that for yourself not him. Cub scouts is a “learning” activity AND the hike an opportunity for physical exersize. Maybe if they HAD anything at your house that they actually enjoy, you WOULD have something worth taking away. You are totally determined to screw these boys up aren’t you? Just when I start thinking you might be “OK” you do something like this. It’s just never going to be over is it?

I’ll be calling aftercare today to find out what happened. And I’ll be calling to talk to S1 tonight because I want to hear it from him NOT YOU.

As for S2, why did you send him to school when he’s obviously still sick? Are you going to take him to the Doctor?

As for Easter Monday, I’ll meet you in the parking lot my work at 8:30.

~PEW

Now, we all know why I didn’t discuss it with her on the phone. Further, if she was interested in more than placating his obsession with professional wrestling, which was most of their discussion from what I could hear as I was taking care of cleaning up after dinner, she might have seen fit to ask him about his school day. She didn’t. Certainly S1 was unlikely to volunteer that information of his own accord. I contacted her appropriately and did so via email after the children were in bed. I even avoiding suggesting that his reactions to adverse situations may actually be influenced by professional wrestling. He spends so much time watching it and admiring these guys. Look at how they respond to situations. Look at how he reacts. Coincidence? I think not.

You’ll notice that she also brings something into the discussion which has no place on the topic covered, something that has been and will be an eternal struggle when discussing anything with PEW. Obviously still sick? Other than a runny nose, he was fine and looked forward to going back to school. Further, how did she come to this conclusion over the phone? Dr. PEW has truly missed her calling with her innate ability to diagnose illnesses from afar.

I didn’t respond to her latest angry diatribe. This is just another reason why co-parenting is impossible with a spouse who has a personality disorder of this seriousness. Her obsession with fighting me at every turn on any subject precludes any meaningful co-parenting. It is why I primarily practice parallel parenting. PEW is just completely incapable of seeing any situation more deeply than deflecting blame, keeping the children happy and fond of her no matter the cost, and finding any excuse to escalate a situation that doesn’t meet her warped sense of what is fair, real, or appropriate.

In keeping with open communication with teachers, I sent S1’s teacher the following warning yesterday morning:

Mrs. S1Teacher,

S1 had an incident at aftercare yesterday. Needless to say, he is unhappy with the consequences for his actions and is in a bit of a sour mood this morning.

I told him that he needs to “shake it off” and be able to concentrate on his work today.

I wanted to “tip you off” in the event there is any problems – you’ll know why. Don’t hesitate to let me know if he is/was unable to set it aside in order to concentrate on school work or participation today.

Sincerely,
LM

Shortly thereafter, I got a reply.

Hi Mr. LM,

S1 actually already came to me to tell me what happened. I explained to him that whatever his consequences are is your decision. I mentioned to him that same as you that he needs to concentrate on his work today and deal with the decisions that were made. I will let you know how he makes out today.

Thanks for the heads up!

Mrs. S1Teacher

Both the boys’ teachers are pretty great, especially this one. I’m certain that S1 is looking for sympathy from anyone for his plight. Eventually, he’ll get that from PEW and the mixed messages that he is getting from both of his parents will continue to cross him up. She’ll put on that sickening “whiny voice” and tell him that none of this is his fault, dad is a big meanie, and probably promise to buy him several toys in order to place herself high upon the pedestal in her sons’ eyes. It will completely undermine me and do absolutely no good for S1.

Carrying on with the latest email barrage after my no-futher-contact position, I get this:

LM,

I am not done with you about this hike thing. S1 needs the hike toward earning his Bear Badge…..everyone else will be earning it and get it at the same time and you are punishing S1 because you don’t feel like hiking Saturday, so he’ll be the only kid in his Den NOT getting his badge and widdling chip. That is not an appropriate consequence or punishment for what happened at aftercare. Think of something else.

~PEW

This, too, will not receive a reply.

As I’ve already mentioned, this is not the case. I’ve contacted the Den Leader to ensure that his earning his badge is not at risk nor his ability to attain his whittling chip. I did so without informing him of why he will not be in attendance. I simply told him “something has come up” and he may not be in attendance in order to find out if these items were in jeopardy. Truth be told, if it was the case, I’d have chosen some other significant event to use as there are several coming up. I can use this Saturday to continue to teach him how his behavior has consequences (good and bad). We can go on a family hike and I can teach him appropriate pocket-knife handling, storage, and usage.

Notice her ongoing disconnect between S1’s behavior and how it violates the basic rules & laws of the pack. She just doesn’t get it. She never has. She never will. To her, getting the chip & badge is of paramount importance, no matter whose ass S1 has to kick to get them. I didn’t ask and don’t know, but I’m sure if the den leader found out he was involved in a “fight” at school, his ability to attain these rewards might be in jeopardy whether he went on the hike or not.

Notice that she continues to be completely incapable of even suggesting what she thinks is appropriate disciplinary action. It’s always someone else’s responsibility. “Think of something else.” “I’m not done with you.”

Guess what, PEW? You are done with me you because I said so. Unless you come and kidnap the children during my custody time and manage to elude the authorities long enough to take him hiking yourself (which she won’t do) – this will be the consequence for his action.

In closing out this post, when I picked up S1 from after-school care, he was in a much better place. He was excitedly telling me about how he made the right decision today. Long-story short, he was faced with another potential physical confrontation on recess. When a “friend” of his desired to have S1 put him in a wrestling move, S1 told him, “Sorry, I don’t want to get into any physical confrontations.” The kid asked him if he was a wimp before shoving him into a bike rack unexpectedly. He actually has a nice big bruise on his hip. He didn’t strike back. He removed himself from the situation even amid apparent chants to “FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT” from a gathering crowd. Some witnesses had already moved to report the incident to a teacher and guess who was sent down to the principal’s office? Not S1! (Story confirmed.) It all went down just like I told him it would. He was very pleased with himself.

On the walk to the van and the ride home, I repeatedly told him how proud I was of his handling of the situation today. He even said, “Yeah, I was kind of hoping this would mean I could go on the hike this weekend!”

Me: “No, that won’t be what it means, but S1, I’m still really proud of the way you handled the situation today, really I am.”

S1: “Darn. Okay.”

We carried on our discussion a little further and I told him, “S1, one thing you aren’t is a wimp. You know you’re much bigger than anyone else in your class. The fact is, you could very likely throttle the snot out of anybody who might challenge you. Just because of that, you will be challenged. Avoid it if you can.” I went on to explain that the low tolerance of schools nowadays results in kids being kicked out of school for all kinds of seemingly silly reasons. If that was to happen to him, we would all have a lot bigger problems to deal with in terms of finding a place for him to go to school… and so on. I reiterated the “no choice self-defense” exception while clearly explaining what that entails.

Here’s hoping a few things:

1 – He remembers the punishment that has been handed down as a deterrent to future problems with physical confrontations at school.

2 – He remembers how things went down today when he didn’t retaliate. Him – no trouble. The other kid – trouble. Dad – proud and praising.

3 – PEW doesn’t undermine the lessons that seem to be being learned and understood this week.

I expected more PEW harassment by the time bedtime was reached last night, but it didn’t materialize. I can only imagine what “I’m not done with you yet on this” means. Here’s hoping it’s not an emergency hearing to have the judge allow S1 to go on that hike Saturday.

Don’t laugh.

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