Psycho Ex-Wife vs. Psycho Ex-Husband
Draw your own conclusions.
And don’t lie, I know that everyone who goes there is going to make a minimum of 10 of their own battles!
Archive for the ‘humor’ Category
GOOGLE FIGHT!!!
October 4, 2008
A Day’s Bad Start (Lovin’ The Landlord)
August 19, 2008I was sitting here in my office, staying late today, and laughing about the start of my day.
I’m staying late today because I arrived late.
I got up early to a fresh pot of coffee. As I poured the hot, steaming cup of morning goodness in my boxers and t-shirt, the sun was gleaming through the trees and I decided I would enjoy my java out on the patio… in the work state… no children… no DW. What a glorious morning. GLORIOUS.
As I pull the door shut behind me, something doesn’t quite feel right. I never lock the handle when I’m home. Only the deadbolt. Somehow, I manage to lock the handle and there I am in all of my boxer-shorted, bed-headed, t-shirted beauty. The van is locked. The keys are in the house. The windows I can readily access are closed. The phone is in the house.
I stand there with “that look” on my face. A walk to the nearest phone I could use is easily an hour and who am I gonna call? The property owner’s numbers are in my cellphone. I’d be arrested by the time I got there anyway!
As I walk down my drive I am relieved to see BOTH of their cars still in the driveway towards at the main home. A rare thing indeed, even at the early hour. Despite my first intuition being …they’re staying in for some morning love… I approach the door and knock hard.
When no one comes to the door despite two cars and several open garage doors, I’m certain that they’re engaged in the throes of passion.
So, I knock again and again. Not so much as a stir from within the home.
I resign myself to the fact that people are going to wonder why I didn’t show up for work. No call. No note. No nothin’. They will panic when I don’t answer my phone. Maybe they will call the police.
I sip my coffee in my boxers and t-shirt contemplating my next move when a carload of people – one of the landlord’s “crews” – pulls up and sees me standing there. I grin and say, Have any of you seen Mr. Landlord or Mr. Landlord?
(Laughter from the car and a wry smile from the driver, now reaching into the bed of Mr. Landlord’s trunk.) Lock yourself out, eh? You’re brilliant there, Chief.
They tell me that they’re walking their dogs along the road down by the farms and should be back shortly.
So, I sit on my wall and await their arrival… 40-minutes later… in my boxers and t-shirt. They laugh when I bid them good morning and they obviously know why I am standing dressed as I am. We make small talk about the summer and Mrs. Landlord comes out with the keys and we walk back up to my place and go through them one-by-one until we get the correct one.
I email work and let them know I’ll be about an hour late. Hey, at least they weren’t in the middle of a hot lovemaking session!
I was lucky they were actually home. I’m also very lucky that they’re such great people.
Thanks for Nothing UPS!
June 25, 2008This past weekend, DW – special woman that she is – had a surprise birthday party for me. Friends, family, neighbors – it was a really incredible bash. Live music in the living room, good food, and too much good to drink, too. Ugh! It was a great party and that’s probably an understatement.
Thanks again, doll! I love you! It was incredible!
Of course, DW tends to “set the bar high” and I know I have my work cut out for me for some future reciprocity. Yeesh.
In the meantime, due to work, we are apart this week and yesterday was her birthday. Cool dude that I am, I had arranged a special delivery to arrive on her birthday with words of love and adoration attached – wishing her a Happy Birthday! I was so proud of myself. As much an expression of appreciation for last weekend as it was a birthday gift.
I tend to get excited for things like this and I obsess about tracking the shipment as it departs and travels to the destination… HOME.
I go to the UPS site about every 30-seconds…
F5 F5 F5 F5 F5!!! EFF-FRIGGING-FIVER!!!
6/23/2008 – 8:10PM Billing information received.
F5 F5 F5 F5 F5!!! EFF-FRIGGING-FIVER!!!
6/23/2008 – 7:38PM Origin scan.
F5 F5 F5 F5 F5!!! EFF-FRIGGING-FIVER!!!
6/23/2008 – 8:25PM Departure scan. Miami, FL, US
F5 F5 F5 F5 F5!!! EFF-FRIGGING-FIVER!!!
6/23/2008 – 9:20PM Arrival scan.
F5 F5 F5 F5 F5!!! EFF-FRIGGING-FIVER!!!
6/23/2008 – 10:11PM Departure scan. Miami, FL, US
F5 F5 F5 F5 F5!!! EFF-FRIGGING-FIVER!!!
6/24/2008 – 12:44AM Arrival scan. Louisville, KY, US
F5 F5 F5 F5 F5!!! EFF-FRIGGING-FIVER!!!
6/24/2008 – 4:56AM THE PACKAGE WAS DAMAGED IN TRANSIT. UPS WILL NOTIFY THE SENDER WITH DETAILS. DAMAGED MERCHANDISE DISCARDED. UPS WILL NOTIFY THE SENDER WITH DETAILS OF THE DAMAGE.
Thanks for nothing UPS. You SUCK!
Thankfully, when I called the merchant, they were very understanding and, without yet having received notification of the details regarding the original shipment, put together a new package and shipped it to arrive today – on my word alone. Of course, they didn’t provide me a tracking number, so here I sit… waiting… wondering… worrying… if my special birthday delivery will make it to the deserving soul that is the love of my life… DW.
Stay tuned…
UPDATE IN THE COMMENTS! READ ON!
Sensitive Objectives
June 5, 2008In my inbox the other day comes a gem from POE, DW’s ex-husband. It was actually copied to both of us. I nearly fell out of my chair laughing.
You see, SD1 is about to embark on a course of study to close out the school year called “Sensitive Objectives.” You, like us, may be wondering what in hell that means exactly. Perhaps you already know that it’s the new, nice-nice name for SEX EDUCATION! *cue sinister music* It’s probably more along the lines of an early sex-ed, I mean, it’s only 3rd-grade here, and is likely focused on the functions of certain body parts in addition to all of the rest.
The school sent a letter home which looked curiously like a warning letter. We could only laugh at “sensitive objectives” over and over again. Toss in a high level of comfortability on the part of DW and I and a little girl who “doesn’t like to say the word penis” – we (see: I) made sure to use the word a lot during the ensuing conversations. It was quite funny.
Anyway… the email – the kind of email you get when you have a normal, friendly relationship with an ex-spouse, in this case, DW’s ex-husband:
LM & DW,
So we are sitting at breakfast and SD1 says, “Hey dad I have health class today.”
“Uh okay.”
“LM said I should tell you that it’s about sex and that we will talk about penises so you will be prepared and not faint.”
“Uh…”
So is she really having the sex talk at school today and I have no idea about it until after they started to talk about it? Email me at work and let me know…this should be a fun week.
~POE
She makes me laugh with her frankness. That is exactly what I said to her, if only so that she had to hear the word “penis” and “vagina” again. These words don’t seem to bother any of the boys, all SS1 could do is laugh at all of the penis and vagina talk.
My take is that it is more about the functionality of the parts more than it is a full blown (no pun intended) sex-education series of discussions. I guess we’ll see when the reports come in… after all… IT’S POE’S WEEK! *whew*
We essentially told them (both, even though SD1 is the one getting this education) to be prepared for what is to be discussed and be comfortable asking us any questions that they may have.
Too funny.
Dealing With YOUR Offspring Takes a Lot Out of Me
May 21, 2008Well, it was almost the weekend of the bachelorette party which never materialized and probably never really existed. August 13th, 2003. More complaining about the kids. More wanting to just drop everything and leave the kids with me. More “I can’t control them.” More of the same critical examples that a custody evaluator or two decided did nothing to concern them with regard to her ability to parent.
PEW: which one of the boys broke the tassle off the pillow
LM: S2. Dragging them both around by the tassle last night.
PEW: and who put the cactus in the pot
LM: S2. I had to pull him off of the window sill twice last night. 🙂
PEW: from now on there’s going to be sever punishments for wrecking my shit. they shouldn’t be touching my shit. they have enough toys here
I had to laugh while re-reading this. S2 was something of a buster at times. Our home had a really large bow window with a deep sill. We could probably toss a twin mattress on it. Well, turn your back for a minute and S2 would be up in the window like a doll on display. Ahhhh… the memories.
What’s a “sever” punishment? I guess now we’re going to step up to chopping a limb off for such egregious violations of childhood like ripping tassles off of a pillow.
LM: Tassles are very attractive.
PEW: no shit….i love those pillows
LM: And putting nice stuff where a 2YO can touch it… is asking for trouble.
PEW: these kids wreck every fucking thing I like. no LM…they need to learn. lost of people with kids have nice stuff. S1 is definately old enough to be taught… and if S2 is stopped while he’s doing it……he’ll eventually learn too
LM: Yes, eventually.
Will all of the people who have “nice stuff” like a flea-market tassle pillow left within reach of a 2-year old, please raise your hand now.
*CRICKETS*
That’s what I thought.
PEW: did you make an appt with Dr. P yet?
LM: no
PEW: well you’re close to having your wish…..of having the house and the kids and everything
LM: That’s not my wish.
Well, it should have been!
PEW: well your wish for me to just deal with being treated the way you treat me and put up with no sex and minimal companionship because your always busy doing something else…..aint happening anymore. you can have the house and you and the boys can destroy anything you want then
LM: Again, you spoke of not being appreciated.
PEW: i’ll visit them frequently
My guess is that this is where I was to start begging, “Ohhhh… nooooo… PEW, that wouldn’t be good at allll… don’t say things like that!”
LM: I certainly could be more aggressive in the sex department… but it’s hard to motivate myself to force you when you’re tired. I’ve NEVER turned down a sexual encounter to “do something else.” So, I can’t understand why you have yourself convinced that is the problem, but I can’t change that mindset.
PEW: please…i can only think of one reason why a man could go 2 months without sex
LM: You think what you want. Hire a PI.
PEW: there’s only a few alternatives
LM: Have me followed. Knock yourself out.
PEW: well it would be great if you actually fell in love or something. that would be the answer to my prayers
LM: Stop acting like a child. You just get mad and have a hard time letting go of your anger.
PEW: if you say so LM
LM: Over the course of the last 2 months, I’ve wanted to boff a MINIMUM of a dozen times. If you weren’t too tired, you were asleep in the boys room. One time, we were definitely going to go, and after you put the kids to bed, I came upstairs to find you in our room, in bed, in the dark, at 9:30. I apologize for not forcing myself on you.
PEW: lemme ask you this….what were you doing downstairs all those times. you didn’t even touch me
LM: Watching TV.
PEW: please who are you kidding
LM: On the PC. Either/or
PEW: I know what are situation is ok, you won’t convince me that you want sex from me desperately
LM: Should I be acting desperate? Trust me… I know how to relieve myself if things get “desperate.” It’s not that difficult. Your inability to let go of anger doesn’t help. That tacks at least a week onto the dry spell. Then it’s “my fault” when I don’t re-up with the overtures. Because I don’t know when I’m out of the doghouse.
Ain’t that the truth! Let me tell you, it was early and often – the dry spells were so long. Thank God for opposable thumbs. It got so bad I was walking around like a real-life GI-Joe with the Kung-Fu Grip. I needed physical therapy just to get my fingers straight again.
PEW: there’s always a dry spell…this is just another. in a long line of dry spells
LM: Well, it isn’t me who is in bed at 9, 10 o’clock every night you’re not working.
PEW: oh well, dealing with YOUR offspring takes alot out of me
There she goes again! So, is it my fault or is she always tired and asleep by 9PM because dealing with “my offspring” takes so much out of her?
LM: No doubt. But I’m not the one here who is railing against the lack of sex lately. If you’re tired, you’re tired. Like I said… I’m not going to force myself on you. As a person who I can’t remember having been up past 10PM this calendar year if we weren’t out at some function, I feel you have some nerve coming at me regarding lack of sex. I’m ready to go if you can find it in yourself to forgive my alleged transgression and move on in a loving fashion.
PEW: well you know i can’t seem to muster up the humility all the time to ask you to step away from your forums….or your poker tournaments
LM: lol
PEW: please….
LM: You please. I’ve hosted exactly 2 tournaments since February.
PEW: maybe if you did something special for me every once in a freakin blue moon. never
LM: Oh geeze.
PEW: if you want it so bad maybe you should stop and buy a $5 bunch of flowers
LM: ok.
PEW: or get a sitter and take me to Burger King. yeah ok. I don’t deserve shit. I get it……and I’m done with it. same shit different year….only now I have 2 kids
LM: Poor you.
PEW: no not poor me…..because your a good Dad so you can have them… I can’t control them anyway
Lack of finances aside… she deserves to be treated to something special, what – with all of the clear and convincing evidence that she did anything other than cause our home life to be completely miserable… complain about me… complain about the children… leave… threaten… she’ll never realize how often she should be thanking the Lord that I didn’t buy a big cactus and jam it up her ass.
Why didn’t I do that? I loved my family. I loved my children. I simply wasn’t going to jeopardize that (for all the good it eventually did).
GI Joe with the Kung-Fu Grip hopes everything is going well in your part of the world!
When Replacing Her $1 With $25 = Stealing From PEW
April 22, 2008Despite the strong language and over-the-top rage from PEW, this one is as funny as it is completely twisted. If you think anything I’ve posted so far has left your head spinning, this one will make your head fall completely off of your neck.
PEW: did you take the $6 that was on my dresser
LM: No, I took the $1 (for junk food) and replaced it with $25. I had no 1’s.
PEW: oh….well that wasn’t my money….. it was a kid from work for his pants at the cleaners
My first mistake – failing to have the ability to figure out that the $6 on the dresser wasn’t hers. I guess my clairvoyance skills were not as sharp as they should have been. What a bastard.
LM: And? $25 won’t replace the $1?
PEW: i thought you [gave] me $30…..so you actually gave me $24. so i’ll put $20 in my tank and have $4 left. thanks. this is fucking unbelievable
LM: You said you needed gas money… and I was gonna grab the candy… isn’t that what we said yesterday? I thought you told me what you needed… gas & candy… I said I’d grab the candy.
PEW: i probably am going to bounce a check because I bought S1 a costume
LM: Why?
PEW: because…..I don’t make enough fucking money to buy groceries….pay all the copays….buy diapers…..and all the other shit
LM: Look… either stop spazzing on me, or go crank on somebody else. You told me that you needed money for gas and candy. Why am I now in trouble because you didn’t tell me you needed more?
PEW: you always seem to have ample monies to buy auction stuff….and any other bullshit you see fit…..like hockey tickets for your brothers birthdays….yet….when it comes to me asking for $2 fucking dollars
This is really hysterical coming from her – the woman who compulsively bought gifts for any human that was related in any way by blood to her (and sometimes several not) – despite things being tight. Of course, she’s off in her own little world. She didn’t ask for “$2” – She asked for money to get gas and Halloween candy. I figured I’d save her a trip to the store and get the candy and she could get gas whenever she wanted. What a bastard.
For the record, I did buy stuff at auctions… which I then sold for profit on eBay as a part-time job of sorts. I guess she forgot about that part of the equation.
LM: PEW… you told me that you needed money for gas and candy, right?
PEW: you told me you were leaving me $30…. but you didn’t
LM: No, I told you that “there is $30 here on the bureau.”
PEW: you included the kid from work’s money. you’re an asshole. cheap fucking asshole
LM: No, I told you “there is $30 here on the bureau.”
PEW: i’m sick of this shit
LM: No, I told you that “there is $30 here on the bureau.”
PEW: sick and fucking tired of not having a dime in my pocket. working my ass of and not having any money for myself. fuck this. i’m not going to CAM’s tonight….. you can fucking go….you cheap fuck
Spazz much? It was Halloween and it appears the ugly monster had arrived a little earlier than dusk this year.
For the 100th Post – It’s FANTASY EMAIL!
March 12, 2008(LM) S1 has apparently been telling PEW that he is interested in joining football. Tackle football. In keeping with my low-contact boundaries – this was an appropriate reason to contact. Here is what I get:
Hey,
Here’s the info on registration. It’s this Sat. at School at 9am-2pm, There’s tackle ($85.00) and Flag ($55.00). If you decide to do it, I’ll just rip this check up that you gave me yesterday and we’ll go half on it. I heard what Mr. Teacher said to him and I think Mr. Teacher had a good point, but I think this is a good start for S1. He is VERY intense (he got that from you) haha. I think just being part of a team would help, don’t you? I’m sorry I forgot to give you the paperwork. I also have a project for S2 that is due friday. He has to interview and older relative about how life was when they were growing up. He could even interview you or your mom. Can I fax it….I need your # again? It’s just a page of questions. As for the football, the league begins after labor day (practice starts August 1) and the league ends around Thanksgiving.
We should let him do it. He needs an outlet for all that energy AND it’s physical which is a huge plus for him.let me know…..I didn’t do anything with your check yet.
~PEW
—————
(LM) Intense? DW would tell you that I’m really not generally an “intense” person. Projection. Further, this clearly demonstrates PEW’s inability to have any insight into what Mr. Teacher meant. Mr. Teacher knows that S1 handles adversity poorly. He is often a sore loser and a poor sport. He’s often a quitter when things aren’t going his way. Mr. Teacher knows that S1 tends to take everything personally and communicated that, I thought quite appropriately, during this discussion with S1. In fact, on the ride home after listening to S1 tell me the story, I supported and explained further what Mr. Teacher meant and why. I actually got some measure of understanding and buy-in from S1.
(DW) On the surface, if you didn’t know the history, this seems, like others, perfectly normal. If you didn’t know that we tried for three years to have her get S1 involved in something other than TV and eating fast food. If you didn’t know that we spent ALL of our weekends and summers getting him involved, and dealing with his “intensity”, i.e. anger, and here comes MOTY telling us how wonderful it would be for him! It’s her idea completely! If you didn’t know that she finally got S1 signed up for scouts and then proceeded to do nothing with him for 3-months until we stepped in and helped him to earn his first badge, and of course, didn’t sign up S2 as that would be too much for her to accomplish (we did, 3-months late, but thankfully they took him anyway). Ah yes, isn’t it great being a PEW? So of course, here is what we REALLY wanted to say:
Dear Delusional PEW,
Take credit for everything much? Of course I recognize that being on a team is good for S1, DW and I have recognized this for years. It’s why we are members of the Sports Complex and had him signed up for swim team over the summer. It’s why I have asked you repeatedly to sign him up for something during the school year, although you never did, saying my weekends with him were too interruptive, because apparently the other 26 fucking days a month you had him were not enough time for sports. It’s also why we signed up S2 for Scouts after you failed to due to your usual attitude of “well he didn’t want to”. Way to parent, jackass. I’m glad you have finally seen the light.
I also agree with Mr. Teacher, however, I believe his intensity (in other words his anger when he is unable to handle problems) comes from not being able to solve problems civilly, which he certainly gets from you. Please be aware that when S1 throws a temper tantrum on the field because someone has hurt him, or the coach is making him run laps and he doesn’t want to, or the other team scores and he becomes a poor sport as usual, YOU will have to stick by him and not allow him to quit the team during your weeks, which he will most assuredly want to do. We know, we’ve been there. We had to deal with these tantrums during swim team, and unlike your reaction when he played soccer or it was time to play kickball on Father/Son day, we were not embarrassed by his actions, we instead made him take responsibility for how he acted and he had to continue to be part of the team. We certainly hope you can make this happen for football, but please know and remember that we truly believe you will run and hide like the coward you are and tell S1 he can quit. I have $100 bet this happens at the very first practice.
As for school projects, I assure you I am well aware of your intentions to make me seem like a failure in this aspect with repeatedly withholding school projects so the boys cannot possibly complete them on time when they are with me. Let’s count the number of times you have done this in the last 4 months, Christmas, 3 times with Scouts, Valentines Day, and almost weekly with homework. Unfortunately this just makes the boys look bad, something you fail to consider when making your devious plans. I hope it will change in the future, but until then I have already been in touch with the teachers and scout leaders to make sure that any projects that are due on my week are given directly to me or I am given copies in case you conveniently “forget” to give them to me, yet again. So you can stop trying to contact me about such issues, as I will not meet you or respond. I do not desire contact with you, now or in the future, please stop with your incesant need to have me near you, it’s quite pathetic.
Also, please stop telling our children they have diseases that they have not been diagnosed by a DOCTOR as having. You are NOT a doctor, our children do not have diseases. It is shameful that you would tell them such a thing, and apparently you didn’t learn your lesson the last time you pulled this crap when telling my family S2 had “walking pneumonia” and I called the doctor to verify. If you wish to diagnose him, I suggest you go to medical school instead of spending all your time with your pathetic sister. I guess she doesn’t have a job again since she can watch the kids during the week? What was it this time? Embezzlment or alcohol again?
~US
—————
Sometimes it feels good to cut loose, even if it is fantasy email replies. Ironically, the behavioral expert on television just said that “venting” is not an appropriate way to deal with anger – that it perpetuates it and makes it worse.
Time to call a therapist. 😉
TableTopics
February 28, 2008About a year ago I stumbled upon TableTopics. If you aren’t familiar, it’s a simple set of cards that have questions on them to stimulate conversation. We have always been big “family dinner” people and encouraged our children to talk about their day with us. We thought this would be great to draw out S1 and S2 as they really don’t communicate well and are often unable to comprehend that others even have feelings. It was quite disastrous when we started honestly, and S1 in particular was sent to his room several times after being unable to say anything nice about anyone and LM was frustrated beyond belief. After a year they have now begun ASKING to play TableTopics, and we enjoy doing so. Tonight at dinner S1 asked, and because our actual TT set was at our other home, we made up our own questions, which the kids find fun.
The questions started out simply enough:
S2 – who is 6 years old: Okay no one can ask what your favorite color is, we do that every time. (I had to laugh and pointed out that HE is the one that always asks, lol.)
S1: What is the coolest thing you have ever seen? (Answers range from Stonehenge to an Air Show.)
S1 goes again: What one thing happened to you that you thought would be good but which turned out really horrible?
LMFAO! Can you imagine the looks on our faces as we turned to each other and said: “we’ll continue to play this later.” No, LM did not say: Marrying your mother. Yes, LM wanted to, I assure you. Sometimes I hate having morals…
Like the New Banner? We Do!
February 15, 2008It captures the essence of The Psycho Ex-Wife. From the hair color, the fangs, to psychotic eyes, and the raging flailing arms.
Thanks to the talented efforts of a “secret” friend and her scraggy, out-of-control hair day which provided the inspiration to so effectively capture what I had envisioned.
I like it so much, for a fleeting moment I thought it tattoo-worthy. Yikes!
Like it? Hate it? Let us know!
Fantasy E-mail Reply – 2/11/2008
February 11, 2008As we sat around the other night, exasperated, we discussed how we would possibly respond to an email such as we received the other night regarding the children getting to watch WWE’s Monday Night Raw. While I won’t respond to it because it doesn’t rise to the level of an urgent matter pertaining to the children, it doesn’t stop me from wondering how I could if I wanted to. Seriously, the first question out of my mouth was, “How in the hell do you even begin to respond to something like that?”
Well, there exists “Fantasy Games” – like Fantasy Football, Baseball, Hockey, Basketball, Golf, etc. From the emails-never-sent file comes Fantasy Email Replies. Invariably, we try to find our sense of humor and it will sometimes result in a “Fantasy Email” such as this…
—————
Dear Psycho,
Thank you for your pearls of wisdom on being a parent. I had no idea it was bad for my kids to be mad at me! What was I thinking? I sat and thought about all the lessons they can learn from watching WWE on Monday night and you are right, this can definitely be an educational experience!
For instance, our son’s next book report could be:
The Subtle Differences Between the FU and the STFU, and he could even provide a visual demonstration on a classmate for bonus points.
Discussions on the Origin of the Term “The Money Shot.” Maybe he can bring in a video example for further clarification, I hear Jenna Jameson is an excellent actress and has extensive knowledge of “The Money Shot.”
What better way to instill healthy exercise habits! I’m sure our son is building muscle mass just watching Triple H drop a flying elbow on his opponent from the top rope, not to mention the sportsmanlike conduct he is witnessing. I’m sure it will have a positive impact on his current inability to treat his classmates with respect when they win a game they are playing.
I completely understand your desire to have our children do whatever it is their friends are doing. It’s extremely important to feel like they are part of the group, like the time S1 ganged up with his friends to beat-on the new kid in school. It was important for them to stand as a united front so the kid would never come back to school and it made S1 feel like “one of the guys.” They were teaching the new classmate “teamwork.” I understand ganging up and spitting on opposing wrestlers is frequent in the WWE, so I know they’ll learn other techniques to enhance welcoming others to school.
I will profusely apologize to our children for the egregious error of my parenting and let them know that from now on – their every wish is my command. Thanks so much for pointing out my shortcomings as a parent in this regard and I will do my best to never let it happen again.
Sincerely,
LM
—————-
We tentatively have plans to DVR Monday Night Raw and are considering a review of it next week along with the lessons a child can learn from it. Stay tuned…
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