Oops! …I Did It Again!

No, this is not a review of the popular (or should I say… once popular) Britney Spears song.

What I mean is, I have again violated my own advice and took a small step over the boundary (and advice) I lovingly refer to as LOW-CONTACT. Feel free to bash me with your comments. I deserve it. Still, despite thinking I knew that the words would be wasted, what I got in reply was completely unexpected.

It started off as appropriate communication and then I crossed that low-contact line. It was a continuation of the discussion about picking up the boys early today.

Here’s how it started:

LM,

Two things I wanted to let you know. I get done at 3 tomorrow, so I’ll pick the boys up from camp and then you can pick them up at the house. The second thing is that they told me you told them it was their choice about going with you this weekend? I really wish you could see how upset they are about this. I’m not trying to be a jerk to you or anything….I just wish I knew why they are reacting this way.

~PEW

My reply isn’t too bad in keeping it short and to the point. However, I do get into a slight bit of explanation.

PEW,

– Okay, I’ll pick’em up from the house.

– I did not tell them that it’s not their choice. I let them know that I would be asking you and it was your choice.

– They react that way because that’s what they do when they want to get their way. This is not a new display for them. When they’re used to getting their way when they whine, cry, and get all dramatic, that’s what they do. It’s also why they don’t do it with me. The parent makes a decision and the kids live with it. There is no reason why they should be left to badger you about this for days on end. “Mom and Dad made a schedule change. Stop whining.”

~LM

And comes the inevitable reply…

LM,

Well, I look at the bigger picture, which is, they should be HAPPY to be going to you early, not freaking out. That’s the part that I don’t like. I have S2 saying to me before bed, “I wish you and Daddy didn’t break up, why did you? then we wouldn’t have to do this back and forth back and forth all the time and the long trips all the time”……I don’t like to have to go back there and try to explain all this four years later….they should WANT to be with you. That’s the big picture….it’s not about getting what they want, because they don’t ever get what they really want.

~PEW

The usual guilt-tripping, mirroring, excuse-making, and of course, blaming while acting as though they “want” to be with her and “don’t want” to be with me.

Now, when I’m actually being smart – this is the point where I would go “dark.” That is, it’s the end of the replies. I wasn’t smart.

PEW,

You just don’t get it and likely never will.

~LM

I know having crossed the line, it will escalate.

LM,

I get it. Do you???

~PEW

NOW, I choose to wise up and not reply. I accept that my “beat around the bush” not being accusatory in my reply would probably fall on deaf ears. She doesn’t get that given the choice between fun-house all the time and fun-house some of the time with responsibilities, reading, learning, discipline and expectations… children will want to be at “fun-house all the time.”

What happened next was completely unexpected and apparently… serious…

LM,

We could get back together, is that an option?

~PEW

Are you fucking kidding me?!?!?! I’ve posted before about DW’s contention that this has been the case all along. I also posted specifically about a challenge and openly admitted, despite prior disbelief, that DW was absolutely correct and I was unequivocally proven wrong. (I can’t remember which one it was and so… no link for you!) This isn’t the first “get back together” overture by PEW, but I am still completely shocked each time it happens. Remember, I’m the drunken, drugging, physically/mentally/verbally/emotionally abusive, impotent homosexual who cares about no one and nothing except himself and money. It’s why she walked out on me and filed for divorce and fought me tooth-and-nail for custody of the children. I’m the guy who caused her to fear for her safety and that of the children.

She is sick. And it’s sad… and it’s frustrating… and worst of all – it’s scary. I have fears that I wouldn’t wish on anybody – and they have to do with the children… but again, there is nothing I can do about it.

I reply…

PEW,

Not only is it not an option, it never was nor will it ever be. I’m deeply in love with DW and I wish you would stop with such complete and utter nonsense.

And if you’re even remotely serious with that question – you’re just not right in the head.

~LM

Yes, I went “low-road” instead of low-contact. I told you… I still make mistakes. I make mistakes even when I know before I make them that they’re mistakes.

LM,

Well that would make two of us, who are not right in the head, wouldn’t it? I’m glad you’re deeply in love. You should try not hating me so much and thinking of yourself as so superior, because you’re just not.

~PEW

She’s right but not for the reasons she thinks. I’m not right in the head because, as I often say to others in similar predicaments… “You talk to her too much.”

What she and some others don’t get is – I don’t hate her. I often hate some of the things she does, but I don’t hate her. She’s just not right and for that I’m sad… most especially for the kids.

Tomorrow… my fantasy email reply to her lack of understanding about why the kids react the way that they do. I haven’t done one of those in a while.

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You Have Saved Our Sanity!

Dear DW and LM,

My husband and I just want to thank you for promoting the “low contact” strategy.

For 8 years we have been documenting, documenting, documenting, but we were always at a loss when it came to conversations with BM on the phone. As taping conversations without her knowing is illegal in our state, the rages she would have were always our word against hers. After starting to read your website, a few months ago DH put his foot down after she went off on him on the phone. He told her he wasn’t going to take her verbal abuse anymore, and that he would only be contacting her by email. When the phone rings he lets it go straight to voicemail. Now we finally have recordings of her raging – she actually did it on voicemail and in about 6 emails.

I think she must have talked to someone who wised her up, though, because now she says she has no internet service and DH “has” to talk to her on the phone. DH responded in a letter, which we sent FedEx, stating that she could feel free to leave us messages, but all of DH’s responses would be sent in writing by mail. She is at a loss ; ) In the past we used to send her certified mail, but she would not answer the door and then say because of her “medical” issues, she could not get to the post office. Now we send FedEx with indirect signature, which means she can just sign a door tag and they will leave it at her door. No excuses!

Since the beginning, she has terrorized us into thinking that because she is BM her every whim and desire must be met immediately and on her terms. Your site has freed us from that feeling and we are now able to address the issues that are important to the children and ignore everything else. It hasn’t made her any more sane or reasonable, but at least now we feel that we can show what we have been trying to communicate to her regarding her relationship with her children, and that gives us quite a bit of serenity. What a huge power shift! (It also helped that we moved about 18 hours away from her, and don’t have to deal with the drama of her every other weekend visits anymore.)

Ironically, she also complained because DH wasn’t having the boys call “immediately” after she left a message, and that she was to have direct contact with them. So we got them a Skype phone for very little cost per year, unlimited calling, and she leaves them messages. We no longer have to make sure they call her back – she got pissed when they didn’t call her back right away (sometimes it was a week before they did), and she couldn’t complain to DH, because it was her idea! Sometimes, when they hear the phone ring, they see it is her and put the phone back without answering it. They actually talked to her more when DH took her messages and had them call back because we never gave them a choice. I now no longer dread the phone ringing, and actually look forward to her next “drama” message, because we can choose to address it or not, and in our own time. You have saved our sanity!

Sincerely,
CZ

CZ & DH,

No problem and you aren’t the first… and won’t be the last to benefit from this strategy. Not only does it mitigate your insanity… they’re often too stupid to keep from giving you evidence that may be crucial down the road (rages, threats, etc.).

Good for you guys!!!

Sincerely,
Mister-M

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Anonymous asks, "What Do You Think?"

LM & DW,

My husband had alerted our PEW that we would be sending a letter outlining arrangements for an intermediary before this — which we now can’t do. What do you think of this letter (we would send it registered, rather than email)? Is it provocative? Is there anything you would add or subtract? We have been writing emails to the children and have received no reply. They may not be checking them, they sometimes don’t, but we worry, naturally, about their actually receiving them.

Thanks for your time,

~Anonymous…

Dear [Yourpew],

Unfortunately, we are unable to implement a third party intermediary at this time. Because the sort of emails you sent after the children’s Christmas visit must never be repeated, we, once again, request that you restrict your contact with us to emails consisting solely of current important information concerning the children. Any other content will neither be read nor replied to.

Telephone calls should only be made in emergency situations regarding the children’s’ health, safety, and welfare or regarding travel and handover of the children when it is in progress and email contact is not possible.

Please give the cell phone, number XXX-123-4567, to the children. It is to be theirs, and used for no other purpose except to contact their father, whenever they wish. It will continue to be paid for for this use, and it must remain charged and in working order.

Please put in place an ongoing appointment for the boys to receive a call from their father on this cell [on Sundays at __a.m./p.m.]. If for any reason (work or travel) “He” is unable to make the call, he will let the boys know in advance and make alternate arrangements. The boys must check their emails, at a minimum, weekly on Sundays and reply to them.

The travel arrangements for the week of [XX/XX/XXXX] are as follows:

[Details]

My suggestions would be as follows:

Dear Yourpew,

Due to your incessant abusive behavior both via electronic media and telephone, we will no longer accept any emails nor telephone calls which include foul language, abusive language, anything other than matters requiring urgent attention related only to the children. Please be advised, all other communications, questions, etc. shall be ignored – no exceptions.

If a phone call isn’t an urgent matter pertaining to the children – we will hang up the phone without warning. If your emails aren’t an urgent matter pertaining to the children – we will not respond.

We expect phone calls to the children to be answered by the children without discussion with you or any other interference. We will call on X-date at X-time. They may call us whenever they wish.

These are the [specified] travel arrangements:

[Details]

Sincerely,
Us

Here is what to expect in response:

– Rage, abusive emails and/or phone calls testing your boundaries. You will need to hold firm.

– She will not answer the phone, in an effort to engage you. If you’re not prepared to take her to court over it (assuming she is violating an order) – there is nothing you can do about it. Prepare to never speak to the children again unless they are in your company.

– Do not do the cellphone thing – she will only confiscate them, not allow them to call/answer, or worse – start running up the cellphone bill to astronomical levels. I know people who have tried this with a high-conflict ex. Many people. Not one single success story. Do not do it.

– She will never put in place any schedule for anything that is convenient to you. Don’t ask her. Don’t expect it. It simply will not happen. Not for phone calls. Not for emails. She wants you to rely on her. She will fail you in her ongoing, almost drug-addictive desire to have your attention, and not follow through on promises or agreements. The only way to get a schedule in place is via court – and when she violates that, you’ll have to go back. It’s the way of the high-conflict ex.

I know that this is not good news for you, but it is your reality. It is not based solely on my experience but it is based on a wealth of experience of people I know with similar situations. The distance between you and the children only makes it worse. You almost have no recourse and for that I feel very sorry for all of you.

~LM

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Holding Hands is CHILD ABUSE!

Continuing now from Friday’s post…

The escalation is underway due to my decision not to respond to her earlier unprovoked, mindless, antagonistic email from the 20th.

This very morning I received another email from PEW and she is raising the level of antagonism in order to prompt a reply. As tough as it is, one will not be forthcoming. There are some things in there that I’d like to address, but as with most issues – she really doesn’t care and there is no explanation that would satisfy her alleged concerns. There never was.

To satisfy my compulsion to reply, I will break this down afterwards to show you what the replies to each item would be if I were still stuck in “defensive explain myself” mode.

LM,

you still haven’t responded about monday? the court order says I have the “right of first refusal” you’re the guy who put that clause in there….so I suggest you respond in kind.

I am so tired of the bs that has been going on….now they tell me that you said they can’t bring their wrestlers over there??? what the frig are they supposed to do? they’re not allowed to watch tv….no video games…no fun….they have no toys….your girl is mean to them….answer me for God’s sake…do you want to be in court again? because that is what is going to happen soon and this time I am going to INSIST that Judge Contempt talk to these children. LM, I haven’t liked this arrangement from day one and I’ve been collecting evidence of WHY it is not working……….if you want it to stay this way I suggest you consider a few things….did you look at their grades since you came…..on your weeks they do terrible on their tests!!! On my weeks they do great. You are ridiculously strict……they are BOYS…making them hold hands when they fight??? I do NOT want to hear that AGAIN. Who thought of that? That is the gayest thing I have ever heard….S1 is amost 10….for God’s Sake…..what are you trying to do? I have told a dozen people about that and they all said what I was thinking and that is…it’s almost child abuse making a child S1’s age and maturity level hold hands??? I’m not going to let you do this LM. I’ve invested way too much already to just sit back and expect you to be semi-normal…..you’re not. You are really weird and so is your girlfriend. I am not going to let you screw up these boys. If you can’t be sort of normal then you should just go away. I have to say again what I’ve said all along….where are you getting your parenting tips from?? do you even have a mind of your own anymore? You need to grow some balls and tell your girl that you will raise your boys your OWN way….because frankly you’re raising them like “Nancy Boys”…for God’s sake LM what are you thinking??? I’m 99% certain that the only reason DW’s kids are semi normal is because of POE…you need to grow some “you know whats” and parent your OWN kids because they way I see it now is that OUR kids are the “red headed step children”…….and I don’t like it LM. S1 is about two years away from being able to legally decide on his own….and it’s not looking good for you. Do you know that? When he turns 12 he can decide on his own where he wants to be.

I want to know why they complain about DW so much? why does she never hug and kiss them and tell them she loves them?? that’s not because of me LM because I would love nothing more than for her to love them??? What the hell is going on over there? does she hate your children or what?

This is an adult. A mother of two. “Nancy Boys.” “Gayest.” When we speak about Borderline Personality Disorder, we often speak of how their maturity became stunted early on. You can see from the way she handles situations that this is true. You can see from the language she uses, this is true.

Breaking it down…

you still haven’t responded about monday? the court order says I have the “right of first refusal” you’re the guy who put that clause in there….so I suggest you respond in kind.

Yes, actually, I have. You see, the “right of first refusal” clause is in place if I need to secure childcare for some reason (other than an illness or similar). The key point here is if I needed it. I don’t. The ROFR clause doesn’t say I have to keep re-explaining myself. The ROFR clause doesn’t say I have to continue to tell her that I will be home with the children. The ROFR does say that if I needed childcare services (including if DW was going to be watching them), I have to give her the chance to provide that care.

Also – I happen to know for a fact that she has had her sister watch them without having called me first. Interesting how accusatory the guilty can be.

Bottom line – I don’t have to tell her that I am doing the childcare. I only have to tell her when I’m not.

I am so tired of the bs that has been going on….now they tell me that you said they can’t bring their wrestlers over there??? what the frig are they supposed to do? they’re not allowed to watch tv….no video games…no fun….they have no toys….your girl is mean to them….

Last week, a number of things occurred regarding wrestling and their wrestling action figures. I’ve been very clear about her allowing the children to overindulge in WWE wrestling because it’s adult television, not 6YO and 9YO television. It’s just not.

#1 – A near fight ensued during recess where one child asked S1 to perform a dangerous wrestling maneuver on him. That’s right, the kid asked S1 to perform the move on him. Strange, but true.

#2 – When playing with their action figures, they were SLAMMING them down on the tables and hardwood floors. They had repeatedly been warned against doing this. I had no problem with them doing it on the sofa cushions, chair cushions, or their beds – surfaces that don’t sound like repeated gunfire when the action figures are spiked off of them and don’t damage property.

#3 – Which resulted in my banning them from bringing the action figures to the house: the two boys closed the bedroom door and were doing exactly what I had told them not to do – performing wrestling moves on one another. S2 got hurt and was crying.

Now, I cannot control what goes on in her house. I cannot control her inability to discipline. I can only control what goes on in our home and I think that the boys’ repeated warnings over the course of the last few months were more than enough.

As for the rest – no, we don’t have video games. They get enough at her house. They have toys. They have radio controlled cars and trucks. We have games. We have loads of books. They watch enough television (just not WWE and “Cops” and that trash). They have fun.

What I think the problem is here is that they also have responsibilities. They also have consequences for their actions (both good and bad). That probably makes my home less fun for them. Too bad.

I pray that this course of discipline will not upset any readers, resulting in email explanations about how banning their WWE action figures will stifle their upbringing or otherwise upset the balance of nature.

answer me for God’s sake…

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – this is precisely what it’s about. Her. No one else.

do you want to be in court again? because that is what is going to happen soon and this time I am going to INSIST that Judge Contempt talk to these children. LM, I haven’t liked this arrangement from day one and I’ve been collecting evidence of WHY it is not working……….if you want it to stay this way I suggest you consider a few things….

We’re well aware that it has been quite a long time (at least in our terms) since we have been to court. DW and I have discussed that we anticipate that this period of no-court should be coming to an end soon. Here come her threats again.

did you look at their grades since you came…..on your weeks they do terrible on their tests!!! On my weeks they do great.

I have no idea what she is talking about.

#1 – Almost everything I have seen has been fantastic and nothing has been poor. Both boys have been doing extremely well in school.

#2 – With exception of spelling tests, what PEW doesn’t get is that most testing occurs early in the following week after schoolwork, homework, and study. Even if what she claims was factual (and it’s not) – PEW, genius that she is, doesn’t realize that the test results that occur in her week are based on work and study that happened the prior week.

#3 – I’ve gotten nothing but good reports from the teachers.

#4 – Their 2nd-marking period grades (both children) improved over their first marking period grades. 50/50 shared custody began… right at the beginning of the 2nd-marking period. PLUS physical incidents have dramatically decreased overall, and only ONE has occurred during my custody time. Why? Because there are consequences.

You are ridiculously strict……they are BOYS…making them hold hands when they fight??? I do NOT want to hear that AGAIN. Who thought of that? That is the gayest thing I have ever heard….S1 is amost 10….for God’s Sake…..what are you trying to do? I have told a dozen people about that and they all said what I was thinking and that is…it’s almost child abuse making a child S1’s age and maturity level hold hands??? I’m not going to let you do this LM. I’ve invested way too much already to just sit back and expect you to be semi-normal…..you’re not.

This is really too funny for words. A buddy of ours, our business attorney actually, gave me this idea. He’s used it for a while and has had extremely positive results – and I actually strongly recommend this to any parent. When the kids are fighting and are not responding to warnings to cease and desist, I intervene. No beatings. No threats. No punishments. I don’t take anything away. What do I do? I tell them that since they are treating each other so poorly, they need to hold hands for 5-minutes.

I’ve used nothing before nor since that has defused a situation as fast. It has never lasted 5-minutes. What happens is, they stop what they are doing, join hands, sometimes grudgingly, sometimes with me, and sometimes with me just sitting on the chair next to them with a big grin on my face. They look at each other. Then, they crack up laughing. Fight over. No aggravation between them or for us. All is typically forgotten.

QUICK! SOMEBODY GRAB A PHONE AND CALL CHILD PROTECTIVE SERVICES!!!

I’m guessing from her language that she believes this course of action will turn them homosexual or something. Here also is another flip-flop between “they are babies” and “they are mature.” Whatever suits her argument at the moment is what they are.

You are really weird and so is your girlfriend. I am not going to let you screw up these boys. If you can’t be sort of normal then you should just go away. I have to say again what I’ve said all along….where are you getting your parenting tips from?? do you even have a mind of your own anymore? You need to grow some balls and tell your girl that you will raise your boys your OWN way….because frankly you’re raising them like “Nancy Boys”…for God’s sake LM what are you thinking??? I’m 99% certain that the only reason DW’s kids are semi normal is because of POE…you need to grow some “you know whats” and parent your OWN kids because they way I see it now is that OUR kids are the “red headed step children”…….and I don’t like it LM. S1 is about two years away from being able to legally decide on his own….and it’s not looking good for you. Do you know that? When he turns 12 he can decide on his own where he wants to be.

This was a tough read. From where I’m sitting, it seems that she is saying that our children are not normal. She is also delusional again because:

– Other than the few times during exchanges from years ago, I can count on one hand how many times she has had any interaction with DW’s children (and that was relegated to “hi” from outside of a car.)

– She has never met POE and has no idea what he is like. None. Not one shred of information.

– POE’s household is run with the same rules as ours, so DW’s children behave so well because they know what to expect. They have never been in trouble at school, never hit someone, and both received awards including the Principal’s Award and Citizenship Award at school. According to the PEW, the fact that we have them 50% of the time should make them awful children like she perceives ours to be apparently.

– This is a quality example of her uncanny ability to try to strike deep into your soul with her vitriolic attacks. Her viciousness has never known boundaries. I don’t have any balls of my own. Everything I do is based upon what DW wants. I don’t know how to parent. *yawn* More threats. Surprise, surprise.

I want to know why they complain about DW so much? why does she never hug and kiss them and tell them she loves them?? that’s not because of me LM because I would love nothing more than for her to love them??? What the hell is going on over there? does she hate your children or what?

DW loves the children and is very concerned for their well-being. Both of us let the others’ children take the lead on hugs and kisses so as not to make anyone feel uncomfortable. DW’s children are quite affectionate to me. Not all the time, but plenty. S2 is generally about the same level of affectionate with DW. S1, though, while a very affectionate person, is very rarely affectionate towards DW. It’s not overt, but I think it’s because he is afraid that he is somehow harming mom. If DW were to force these things on the children, we have no doubts there would be accusations of sexual or other abuse. It’s another clear no-win situation. Unfortunately, given past experiences, we have to stay on the legally safe side regarding physical interactions.

Given what you read, there is clearly parental alienation going on, so it’s no surprise that one or both of my children would be leery of showing too much affection towards DW (especially). DW is always congratulatory for their accomplishments. She is always available to help with anything. She is always caring whether they are healthy or suffering from some illness. She is more involved in making sure the children are enrolled in healthy activities than their own mother. Funny how PEW doesn’t want DW watching the children on the day they have off from school, yet we are to believe that she only wants DW to love the children. Delusional.

What I think the above represents is her fantasy. She sees things how they wish they would be out of an intense fear that she is “not a good parent” or doing something “not as well” as perhaps I do things. In order to compensate for her own shortcomings, she has to believe that I am so much worse than her and then it manifests itself in her delusional email diatribes.

I really do want to respond to her, specifically with regard to the WWE issue again, because all of my fears about their overexposure to that show are coming to pass. The problem is, she would totally disregard that reality because allowing the boys to watch that makes her “the better parent” in her eyes, and of course, at times in their eyes, too.

What she really needs to do is stop interrogating the children when they are with her. They’re only going to be inclined to give her the answers she wants to hear which then prompts her attack-emails.

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Unprovoked, Mindless, Antagonistic Email from PEW – 3/20/2008

Easter Monday, the boys have off from school. I don’t. However, I have the luxury of working from wherever I happen to have an internet connection and can access the company. I am still required to be on-site for typically half the month (more if circumstances require) – but even on days where I’m scheduled to be on site, my supervisor has no problem with me working from “home” (wherever that may be at the time) when something comes up. Next week, DW will not be with me. If she were, she would undoubtedly be home with the boys as she has done on many occasions before. Lately, much of that has been caring for one or the other as they have been sick the last 4-weeks that I have had them.

Given that this year is PEW’s Easter, I had inquired as to how to handle the exchange this coming weekend. Options offered were:

– We exchange later than normal on Sunday night.
– If she had off from work on Monday, she could keep them until exchange time on Monday.
– We exchange in the morning before work. (The exchange location is very close to her workplace, so it’s actually pretty convenient.)

She chose the last option. We both agreed in writing to it as required by the court order. This occurred last week.

Out of nowhere yesterday, this arrives in my inbox:

LM,

If your plan is to have DW watch the boys on Monday, then I’d just as soon stay home from work. I don’t know what’s going on with the two of you over there, but let me just tell you that you need to watch your temper. I’m not going to tolerate the kids being “terrified” by you. They are not to be told “what happens here is none of mom’s business”, because it IS my business, just the same as what goes on at my house is YOUR business. That’s how we keep things as NORMAL as possible. If the 50/50 thing is too much for you or it’s not working out, let me know and we can work out some alternative arrangement.

Get your girlfriend in check too. The two of you are NOT doing the boys any favors by living here two weeks per month if it’s that much of an imposition, don’t do it.

~PEW

This came to me at lunch yesterday. I have no clue what prompted it. None. No idea whatsoever. The kids had a great week. They had a fun weekend. There were no problems at all. There are certainly no problems between DW and I.

I guess it’s been too long and you can see she is fishing for an engagement. This happens when you are “low-contact“ with a psycho ex-wife.

*IGNORE*

It’s also quite a bit of projection again. This is from the woman who:

– Told the children not to tell me that PP (the psycho SIL) continues to stay overnights and babysit them on occasion.

– Told them not to discuss the sleeping arrangements when she or her sister sleep in the same bed as the boys.

– Told them not to tell me when the crazy neighbor kid (alleged friend) next door shot one or both of them with bb-guns on several different occasions… something I predicted would happen several years ago when I discovered that these children (my boys’ ages) play violent gun video games, have an arsenal of toy guns that would make the Marines jealous, act violently towards the kids and their own parents… I mean, what type of parent buys a 5 and 8 year old bb-guns for chrissakes?

Ah, my list is long and repetitive. You get the picture.

Many of my readers are in eerily similar situations. If you haven’t lived it, you can hardly imagine what it is like to go through your life having little choice but to interact with a PEW (or in some readers’ cases, a PEH). When you have no choice but to go to no-contact or low-contact, it’s up to you. When you do make that decision, it doesn’t stop the other side from attempting to contact you. You simply have to decide if it really merits a response. Most contacts, like this one, do not. They only serve to antagonize. They only serve to elicit a response, which is usually defensive. When you realize that it is not rooted in reality and will only serve to escalate the situation – you realize that no reply is necessary. This email serves no useful purpose other than satisfy her attempt to start a fight and do so for no particular reason.

It’s a shame that her life has been relegated to these meaningless, purposeless attempts to interact with me. I just want her to leave us alone unless a specific situation of importance regarding the children arises. She is simply incapable of doing that. Sucks for us.

Predictably, my no-contact prompted an escalation from here. Just click for the follow-up…

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ADK writes: "A Sincere Thank You"

LM & DW,

Hi there. I just want to thank you for your insight.

I sit here with tears in my eyes, as my 3 soon-to-be stepsons were just taken from our nanny at their school by our own PEW. My boyfriend is performing surgery and can’t answer the phone, and I was on the phone with the nanny when the PEW said “I’m taking my sons,” and got them out of the car. When asked if she wanted to speak with me, she just rolled her eyes and answered “no.”

It has been a horrible road for us.

When I stumbled upon your website a few days ago, I was amazed at the similarities – not even similarities – it was almost verbatim. Last night, I showed my boyfriend page, after page, after page, after page from your site and after much reading and much silence and flabbergasted looks, he cried and told me he loved me for finding this site for him. No one has believed him when he says the way she acts, the horrible, unspeakable, poisonous things she does. He has questioned his own sanity, wondered if it was him all along. Your website has been a validation that has been priceless.

My boyfriend and I have been looking at engagement rings, and plan to be married within the year. But I dread the e-mails, the texts, the phone calls when she finds out we are engaged and tries to destroy what should be a happy time for us. We do the low-contact thing. He picks up her calls only on Wednesdays and other than that, only if there is an emergency. She texts and e-mails all the time, but most of them go without a response from him. But the low-contact has now “poked the skunk,” if you will. She’s angry. Very, very, very angry. She needs the attention. She craves it. Last month she told us the 4-year-olds mouth was bleeding and he had a fever. None of it was true. Do you have any advice?

We don’t know how to handle this person. She has such a volatile personality disorder. There is zero consistency unless she has constant access to my boyfriend and/or gets her way 100% of the time.

If you have any pearls of wisdom you can offer us, we will devour them. We are not the happy people we used to be. We now obsess, and worry, and are consumed with contempt for this person, and don’t know how to remove her from our lives to the point that we can survive.

~ADK

—————

ADK & Partner,

You have our sympathies. We understand what you’re going through. We do have some pearls of wisdom which we will preface by saying these are mere suggestions based upon our experiences and contacts with others. We are not experts as much as experienced veterans of a “divorce & custody war” that doesn’t seem to have an end. The suggestions we make may not be the perfect fit for your circumstances. Some, you or others you may speak to, may not be something you wish to try at all. Several will prove very difficult for you to act upon because it goes against one’s general good-nature.

Low-Contact can agitate the PEW. Too bad for her. As for you two, it’s a matter of managing it the best you can. Much of her parenting, actions, reactions, etc. will trouble you to the depths of your very soul and you’ll have to dig deep to be able to identify what is worth responding to and what is worth maintaining silence. You can only control the things you can control. You cannot control her parenting. You cannot control her reactions to your activities and parenting.

Suggestions:

– Make all contact via email only. Though you’ll still have to weed through her viciousness, if there is anything that qualifies for a response (emergency related to the children or some other court sanctioned contact), you reply to that only and treat the rest as if it never existed. Copy yourself on every email you send and keep them filed and organized along with everything she sends you. If nothing in the email warrants a response – don’t respond.

– If phone contact must be made, you stay on a single specific topic. If she goes on a tangent, hang up the phone. If she says one cross word, hang up the phone. I do this all the time to the point now that actual phone contact is rare. Very rare.

– If the child is sick on her custody time – it’s “her problem.” On the surface that sounds callous. It’s not. It’s part of the parallel parenting process. What happens on her time is dealt with by her on her time. What happens on your time is dealt with by you on your time. Regular sicknesses don’t require anything but an informative contact, if that. I don’t even like that because in our case, the PEW then has all kinds of suggestions and demands which is something I don’t ask for and don’t need. If she escalates, I ignore it.

The other very big part of the equation is your relationship. I can absolutely assure you that our relationship has experienced incredible frustrations associated with my PEW. You and your partner have to maintain open dialogue on how you’re feeling. Try to avoid having PEW become the “most-common” thread between you – it’s unhealthy and it’s not a positive contribution to your relationship. I highly suggest you have a phrase you use or some activity you do when you’ve had enough of talking about the PEW. Both of you must respect one another’s “stop sign.”

Your partner must be able to hear and understand your frustrations with the situation without being defensive. You must be able to communicate your frustrations without being judgemental or becoming a blamer. He knows he’s made a humongous mistake in choosing and marrying the PEW. It will stick with him forever. He doesn’t need constant reminders.

Your partner must be able to put up and maintain boundaries under maximum “attack” from the PEW. Not only must he shield himself from the constant barrage of chaos and terror, he must shield you from it, and whenever he reasonably can – shield the children from it.

Block her phone number if you can. Get another number (2nd-line) which she can call to blather on into voice mail. Inform her that only calls to that line will get attention (maybe). Block her from texting you. Block block block.

The nanny pick-up interference has me alarmed, but without knowing the specifics of your custody order/arrangement, I can’t give you any suggestions for that beyond – if she violates the custody order – you take action. Every single time, you take action. It may seem like a waste of time and money, but without showing her you’re serious, she will continue to do it and get away with it. For a while, even the court may let her get away with it. Press on until you just can’t emotionally or financially.

If you want to reply here with court order specifics regarding custody, we can discuss more about that here. In the meantime, click on the labels on the left here. Some of the topics that could prove helpful include: low-contact, borderline personality disorder, book reviews (the two I’ve done are very good and enlightening reading), fleas (will show some of how our relationship has been affected), step-parenting.

Your relationship will have this cancer on it as long as she lives and breathes. How you manage it will determine its success. You and your partner will have to be stronger than it seems you can be in order to navigate these rough waters.

Best wishes.

~LM & DW.

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When Kids Are Sick – Email & Text Barrage

There was a time when the consummate projector, PEW, would claim that every time the children were returned to her, they were sick. This was when I was an non-custodial parent (NCP) and during the school year, I only had them every other weekend typically. Reality was, they were very often entering whatever minor illness from which they suffered when I picked them up, but PEW never let facts get in the way of her penchant for crying “victim.”

We’re now in a week-on/week-off 50/50 arrangement. My last 4 custody periods – one of the children have been delivered to me suffering from some minor illness. No big deal, really – it’s just that time of year. Colds, stomach virus – these are not uncommon ailments. These are ailments that are typically handled at home (for me) with plenty of fluids, fever-reducer, and rest. We have immune systems to handle these common ailments. I’ll normally put a call in to the doctor for some advice, describe the symptoms, and they’ll tell me to do just that. Not so for PEW, she’ll take the kids to the doctor at the first sign of a sniffle, when she’s not diagnosing them herself, because you know – she’s a lawyer, a doctor, a psychologist, a psychiatrist, etc. She knows better than anyone else about everything.

She lets me know over the weekend that S2 is under the weather again. Fever, sneezing, sniffles. I acknowledge it and am prepared to handle it as I have for the last 4 times that they were with me. After last night’s exchange, the ride home saw me listen to the children describe Fifth’s Disease. Apparently, this is what Dr. PEW has suggested to them. I guess Fifth’s Disease sounds way cooler than – a cold.

PEW, in her effort to demonstrate that she is the concerned mother, will incessantly badger me as to their condition. She will make suggestions to me as if I have no idea how to handle a sick child – something I have been doing since they burst forth from the birth canal. It gets annoying and very often, I don’t respond to the incessant texts and emails that follow an exhange of sick children. This latest set was particularly laughable and annoying.

In addition to the lesson in Fifth’s Disease that I received from the boys, I was also told that Aunt PP stayed overnight again, because “the wind was too scary for her to go home.” We have a history that you will learn more about – one that saw great conflict over her in her untreated bipolar state – watching the children on her own. Personally, I don’t like her spending any amount of time with them, but it’s not something over which I have any say. I can only hope that she didn’t sleep in the same bed with one or the other. I wasn’t home but a few minutes Sunday night when I get this text:

3/9/2008 @ 6:39PM

“PP said that if you get in a jam and need a sitter for S2, give her a call.”

Now, PEW clearly has blocked out the reality which has been that I don’t want PP babysitting our children alone ever. Ever. One thing PP can count on is that I will never call her under any circumstances to watch the children.

I don’t reply.

Yesterday morning, I’m on my way into work and get this text:

“How is S2 this morning?”

Under normal circumstances, this is probably not an unreasonable question. We don’t have normal circumstances. Further, he’s got a cold. Give it a rest. You can call anytime in the evenings when we are home and speak to him about how he is feeling and if there is anything of an urgent nature to be communicated, I will certainly communicate them. Always have. Always will.

Anyway, I’m driving to work. I have a meeting when I get there. However, this isn’t about S2 at all. It’s all about her. It’s about her requiring interaction with me. The child isn’t in the hospital. He is not bed-ridden. He has a freakin’ cold. While in the meeting 40-minutes later I get the following text:

“Why do you have to ignore me? I don’t do that to you.”

I don’t reply for obvious reasons. It’s the typical “I’ve contacted you, stop what you’re doing and reply to me RIGHT NOW!”

This is followed an hour later by an email:

LM,

I don’t think it’s too much to ask for you to let me know how S2 is today? If I have to call the school and say, is S2 in today, because he was sick when I sent him to his father’s and I’m worried about him and my ex-husband will not communicate with me (much like I did when S1 was sick) It’s going to make you look like you’re a total weirdo.

It may seem neurotic to you, but as a mother, I worry constantly about my children. S2 is my baby. AND a close friend of mine just lost her son, so I’m a little more neurotic than usual, so for my peace of mind….and as to NOT let yourself look like a bigger jerk, could you please let me know how he’s doing?

PEW

Yet another example of her seriously overblown sense of mothering and infantilizing S2. He has a cold, people. Maybe she fears this cold will lead to death, I’m not sure, but I find the loss of a friend’s child, unspeakably tragic as it may be, a bit dramatic a reason for the incessant contact regarding S2’s cold.

Interestingly, while tossing out her customary insults and threats – she still manages to portray herself as Mother of the Year and helpless victim.

He has a cold, people.

She can call like any normal person does – after we get home from work. She doesn’t do this because I simply give the boys the phone as I have no desire to speak with her unless it’s a matter of importance. Of course, that’s why she doesn’t. She wants to interact with ME. If she were to simply check on the children after work, she can’t portray herself as the victim of a non-communicative, meanie ex-husband who doesn’t care about her overwhelming care and worry about her “baby” who is suffering from the dreaded, debilitating common cold. She can’t imply to the children’s teachers that I don’t communicate and therefore she is forced to call the school to find out about whether or not S2 will pull out of this dreaded malady. She can’t direct me how to care for the long-suffering child. She can’t demonize me.

Much like I did the last time she pulled something similar to this, I do reply:

PEW,

He is still sick. Feel free to call this evening.

~LM

Okay. Short. To-the-point. Low-contact. She has her update. Does it stop? Of course not:

LM,

does he still have a fever? this would be the fourth day…maybe you should call the Dr.

~PEW

There it is, the same suggestion she’s made every single time. If it isn’t “maybe you should take him to the doctor” it’s “maybe you should call the doctor.” I don’t respond. I predicted to DW that I would get no fewer than 3 email replies to my update. Oh, the Fantasy Email Replies that could have come from some of this.

[fantasy email]PEW,

PP’s services won’t be necessary. DW is an actual real-life mother and knows how to take very good care of the children. She has everything lovingly under control. No worries.

~LM[/fantasy email]

I did get two more emails after that, though they were unrelated to the illness. She did call and talk to S2 and there was more discussion about Fifth’s Disease and I said loudly while they were still talking, “S2, you don’t have Fifth’s Disease” and then laughed.

S2 didn’t have a fever all day, was bright-eyed and bushy-tailed when I got home from work and will be able to return to school this morning.

People – he had a cold.
—————

UPDATE 9:40 AM 3/11/2008

After telling her last night that S2 was fever-free and would be going to school, only moments ago I get another text message from PEW:

How is S2? Did he go to school today?

Scary. Stay tuned… I’m sure there is more to come…

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The PEW & DW Speak on the Phone!

It will be the only time they ever do. ‘Twas June 30th, 2005.

The call was one of many early on which would degrade into one of the regular useless discussions we had. Obviously, this is way before we learned about low-contact methods. This was the first summer that DW and I were living together and the earliest part of our re-ignited custody battle. This argument centered around her changing her (alleged) plans at the 11th-hour that was going to upset a portion of our scheduled vacation. It was a vacation that had been planned more than 3-months earlier and for which we had agreement on when it would start and the exchange particulars.

Somewhere along the line she asked to speak with DW. I was initially against it and gave both of them several opportunities to say no. Neither did and, against my better judgement, I reluctantly handed over the phone to DW.

From here, the rest of the story will be DW’s to tell.

~LM

—————

I wasn’t exactly thrilled with PEW, as you can imagine, but frankly we needed to get it over with and the conversation began as “I just want to get things settled so we can start getting along.” Okay – great! Haha, pulled me right in, didn’t she?

So things start off with PEW saying she wants to settle the summer schedule so she never has to talk to LM again, I reply, “Well then sign the boys over for the summer like you know you should and then it’s all done.” She agrees and I tell her to have her attorney draw up the paperwork. The reason I said this is that she had a very long history of agreeing, then LM would pay to have the paperwork done, and of course she never would sign it. The prior day PEW had told us she had a new attorney (that would kick our ass of course *rolleyes*).

So, she surprises me when she says, “oh I don’t have an attorney.” I call her on the lie and she spins a story about not being able to afford to pay her, blah blah blah, and what does she do then? She ASKS ME to pay for her attorney. Yes, a woman whose ex-husband I am dating, asks me to pay for her attorney to keep his children away from him. Hello? Can you say psycho? I calmly decline and she begins the downward spiral starting with, “Well, LM is just using you for your money, and you only have money because your parents put you through school.”

Here’s another thing about BPD’s – they try to go for what they perceive to be your weak points, but PEW really didn’t know me. She literally had only seen me for 2 minutes at a time and done some research (stalking) about me online. She falsely assumed a lot of things which just made me laugh. My parents are dirt poor and I worked my way through my degree, but even if my parents had paid for it, I find it funny that she would think that was an insult to me.

From here on out PEW basically tries to throw anything and everything at me hoping something will stick. “Well I just want you to know that I am here for you when LM starts abusing you, because no one was there for me.” First of all, she would have called her Daddy about .025 seconds after something happened if LM had actually abused her, so I didn’t believe that line at all. Then she tries to go after my ex-husband saying she wants to talk to him to let him know “what kind of man [I’m] living with.” Anytime she was met with facts like, “well PEW, we’ve been dating for 11-months now and he has yet to hit me or yell at me, when is this supposed to start?” – she would begin calling me names and telling me that I’m “just like him.”

After a little while we get on the subject of how she introduced the kids to her (short-lived) boyfriend after only 3-weeks, this after arguing that the kids shouldn’t meet me as we had only been dating for 6- or 7-months at the time. She had just lied to the custody evaluator telling her they had been together for 6-months and I called her on it. So what does she do? She asks me if I would like to talk to him because HE IS SITTING RIGHT THERE. Okay, this woman has been talking to her ex-husband’s girlfriend for an hour with her boyfriend sitting there by himself? It’s no wonder he dumped her ass shortly after the call. Anyway, he gets on the phone and I ask when they started dating. He verifies the exact timeline we had told the evaluator. So, PEW gets back on the phone and I call her on it. She starts backpeddling saying they “were dating but not telling anyone.” I asked her if he was aware that they had been dating, she immediately began calling me names again. The more I laughed, the more undone she became.

So then she starts calling me on my education and company background. She apparently believes that she has “earned a psych degree because she worked with kids for 5-years!” (I explained to her that she works with kids because they are the only people who look up to her because they don’t know better. This is supported by the types of problems she had when working with adults in a professional setting.) She went on saying that she has, and I quote, “lived psychology.” I simply replied, “being mentally disturbed, and having 3 family members with bipolar disorder, doesn’t in fact mean you have a psych degree.”

I continually tried to steer the conversation back to the issues we were supposed to be discussing, such as the story she kept telling family members about how LM took the van and left her with the (allegedly) “shitty car.” The reality? She had, in fact, chosen that car in the divorce settlement because it meant she got more money. I asked why she had wanted the marital home sold and the boys kicked out of the only home they had known, etc. She had no answers and would simply start calling me names like a 6-year old.

Since I wasn’t believing her story, she agreed to do several things to prove it all to me. She was going to print all the e-mails she had from LM showing the abuse. They never materialized. Not a single one. She said if the evaluation came down indicating LM as the “better parent” she wouldn’t go to court. Ha, she not only went that time, but again and again, and again. I made a $100 bet that no matter what the evaluation said she would say the counselor was snowed over by LM and that he needed psychological help – she lost, she never paid me. (Yes, CE #2 actually indicated that LM was the better equipped parent, but apparently not enough to give him primary custody. Her recommendation did increase his time, though.) PEW literally used that exact wording – “LM snowed her.” Interestingly enough, I can remember the first thing that custody evaluator #2 said when LM and I went in for our joint session with her. “Well, what are we going to do about PEW?” I kid you not. What do you say to that?

One interesting thing PEW did admit in the conversation was that her parenting skills are poor. Yeah, I was as surprised as you are. I said, “Yes, the children are better behaved when they are not with you.” What did she do? She turned that statement around the next day to everyone in her family and the police claiming that I said “the children were better off without you” and that she was threatened. This incident led to our first threatening phone calls from her family, police calls and visits, which we’ll include at some point.

Believe it or not, I was nice throughout the conversation, never called her a name, never really put her down, until towards the end of the call. She ended up getting so frustrated that she kept repeating over and over that I was “nothing.” I just told her if that makes her feel better to think so, whatever, I know the truth. So she tries to go for one more attack, her favorite: “So, can LM get it up?” Remember, her boyfriend is right there next to her! My response was calm and cool, “Actually yes, on demand, but that’s probably because I take care of myself unlike you,” *CLICK* She hung up just as I was about to add, “you fat pig.” I just had to after listening to her ramblings for an hour and a half. I added a few more sentences that were vulgar just to see LM’s reaction as he didn’t know she had hung up. His mortified facial reaction was priceless – that was the highlight of the call.

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The Snuggle Struggle – What’s Appropriate?

This is one those pieces of minutia which can cross me up when determining what is okay and what is not okay as it relates to a particular situation. Then, I struggle with making contact to voice my concerns or take a “wait and see” attitude and maintain low-contact. So, I was on the fence about contacting on this one, again, with the sole intent or end-result probably amounting to little more than having a nasty reply come back for the “file.”

The boys are 6 & 9. During discussion at dinner the other night, they spoke of “snuggling in bed” – not only with The Psycho Ex-Wife, but on occasion with Psycho-SIL (PP) whose dreams of motherhood are realized vicariously through the boys.

This bothers me. I’m slightly conflicted. I’ll pile on the sofa with the boys when watching a show or something and they’ll be laying in each of my arms as we chill. At night, I’ll give them a big squeeze and a kiss before wishing them a wonderful night’s sleep. Nothing more than a few minutes of hanging out, sometimes on the bed. Every once in a while our chatting will carry on longer. Though he’s getting too big for it, S2 will still occasionally fall asleep while laying on me as we watch a show on the sofa. This is something I’ve always cherished from when they were babies.

“Snuggling” (in my paranoid mind regarding PEW) is something more and not something I haven’t read about many times before. Reality is, it might be nothing more than normal. However, in the places I frequent on the internet involving people in similar situations, not-so-normal results have occurred and that has poisoned my mind to some degree. It’s gnawing at my soul. I don’t like it. I asked the children a few questions but tempered them. I didn’t want them to get the feeling that I was interrogating them.

I know that my emailing my concerns will accomplish nothing short of getting the reply I’m expecting, which is fine by me. I don’t entirely know what constitutes “snuggling” in the boys’ minds and I don’t want to ask them to specifically describe it yet, for obvious reasons. I assure you that I asked enough of the right questions to surmise it’s little more than laying together until they fall asleep, though I think that S2 may occasionally spend the entire night in PP’s bed when she stays there periodically. More discussion with the children regarding inappropriate touching is in order.

I thought of sending a short blurb which will prompt a nasty reply defending her actions, perhaps even describing them as she sees it:

I think that your getting into bed with the boys and “snuggling” with them is highly inappropriate at their ages and could be harmful in the long term. You should consider being cautious about continuing with such behavior.

Of course, my other concern is that she’ll freak on the kids or otherwise instruct them not to share such information in the future, putting them in the middle yet again.

When discussing it with DW, her thoughts were, “I think it has more to do with the “why” of what makes her want to sleep with the boys, and what they are learning from it. She can’t be alone, ever. She always has to have someone with her and she is teaching the kids that they will always need her, and not in a healthy “I’m your Mom and I’ll always be here for you,” way. We are seeing the signs that the kids simply can’t be alone either or away from family. They have no independence, and the sleeping thing is really the beginning of it. Of course it’s also sick in our minds because the oldest is literally the size of a man, at only 9 years old, and it’s literally like he is her boyfriend.”

These are the issues when make us so conflicted. She wants to keep them infantilized for as long as possible. Truth be told, I’m probably more alarmed by PP than I am about PEW, though both are quite distressing. PP is off-the-chain freaky scary. I couldn’t get a restraining order on her nor could I get the court to prevent her from potentially moving-in with them back a few years. So, I’m stuck with two highly disordered personalities heavily involved with raising my children when they are not with me – nevermind the rest of her family.

In response to the feedback and experiences of one, I indicated that my experience has been when she is approached with something that is considered “less than” acceptable or flat-out unacceptable by someone – she almost pathologically does the opposite. Some examples:

– When S1’s weight exploded after the split, I regularly communicated my concerns. I even got the doctor involved who expressed concerns. The doctor even went so far as to say, “It’s understandable that once in a while, fast-food will happen, but for all intents and purposes, the children should never eat fast food, particularly ones with weight issues.” I kid you not, she started going more.

– When I expressed concern about her taking the children to PG-13 rated movies after S1 “demonstrated” for me how grown-ups kiss, she went more frequently to movies not appropriate for their ages. (This was a few years ago when they were 6 and 3.)

– The whole WWE debacle. Not only does she let them stay up later to watch it during the week, she’ll take them to friends houses to watch the pay-per-view events (which I’m sure are more inappropriate for their ages than the 9PM stuff on USA).

– If I suggest to her that the children don’t need to go to the doctor every single time they get a sniffle, she would start going more frequently.

– When S1 was in pre-K4, (when we were still together) – the teacher raved about his behavior. He was calm. He was engaging. He spoke well beyond his years. She even used him as a subject for her college child-development class. She said, “Almost every other child in here is uncontrollable in the morning. They all watch Power Rangers and they no sooner drop their bags and coats and they’re chopping and kicking one another. But not S1!” I kid you not, it wasn’t a week later that she went out and bought the first of many Power Rangers DVDs and guess whose kids were soon doing the same chopping and kicking?

It’s confounding. It’s like pathological sabotage of others.

Part of me hesitates knowing that she and her sister will likely do it more than they already do it should I choose to express my concerns.

I like the idea of easing into additional boundary setting in that regard with the boys, but what youngster doesn’t want the attention/affections of someone they love? I think it would be less creepy to me if the two involved were less creepy.

As a separate issue to consider before your commentary – because a part of me wants to believe this is normal and acceptable – I want you to consider how you would feel if it was a father “snuggling in bed” with his 9-year old daughter. I’ll bet the world that the feelings on the subject (generally) would be overwhelmingly negative and concerned for the daughter’s developmental well-being. There is a substantial double-standard in that regard.

For now, I’ve decided not to make contact and choose to wait-and-see instead.

Follow-Up Post Link

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Follow-Up To No-Contact/Low-Contact Post

Several readers have sent email after reading Appropriate Means of Contact With High-Conflict Personalities and the following was a great question:

Dear LM and DW,

I found your site today, and I am so grateful!

I think that establishing a low-contact relationship would be the best thing for me with my ex-husband. I am sick and tired of getting e-mails & voice mails which cause me to go on the defense about my life and parenting skills, and I’m suffering due to this as well. I could write a blog in itself about Inappropriately Replying to E-Mails, unfortunately. I definitely feel your pain!

Enough about my problems, though. Here is my question, and I’ve been unable to find this on the site. When you instituted your ultra-low/low-contact relationship with PEW, did you officially tell her or just start doing it? If you could fill me in or direct me to where on the site this is talked about, I would REALLY appreciate it.

Thanks a ton. I will be forwarding a link to your site to all of the divorced parents I know.

~LC

—————

LC,

I sense a little fear or apprehension as you consider moving towards low-contact. That’s to be expected simply because you’ve been “reacting” for so long that you’ve been trained to respond that way. I struggle to this day with it and still occasionally make mistakes. It takes practice not to get caught up in the emotional response.

Answering your question – I let her know. Further, given my mad organizational skills – I knew exactly where to find the email I sent her on the very topic from April of last year. Here you go:

PEW,

I will once again ask for you to cease all of your abusive communications with me via email, phone, or any other medium.

You only should need to contact me with critical issues relevant to the children, and that you can do by phone. That would include things like they are hurt, in the hospital, something serious happened with regard to school, or some other serious trouble. The only exceptions to that requirement are governed by court-orders (vacation notice, changes in scheduling in keeping with the order, changes in pickup/dropoff location & times, etc.), or any situation where you choose not to comply with a court order.

If the children have a party or some other activity of interest that may conflict with custody arrangements, they have the capability of asking, you don’t need to. No calls about weather reports, no calls asking for directions, no allegedly idle chit-chat. No contact regarding legal matters.

I will take care of the children when they are with me and you will take care of the children when they are with you.

This is a necessary step due to your inability to maintain any semblance of self-control, certainly via email, but as we’ve experienced – with just about any medium.

Contact in keeping with these appropriate arrangements should be made by phone and be devoid of any abusive, harrassing, or combative language. In keeping with the agreement(s), any changes that require approval by both parties in writing can be done after the situation is discussed on the phone.

Thank you,
LM

There you have it. Use it if you want with appropriate modifications to suit your specific circumstances. Since then, we’ve gone from phone to email primarily, but the rules are still the same. I reply to nothing that is outside of the scope of my boundaries. Neither should you. All phone calls from her number, unless I’m expecting a call from the children while they are with her – I let go to voice mail first to avoid getting caught up in something I don’t want to be.

Do re-check that article and click on the blue text to the full article from BPDFamily (click on the doctor’s name) – it’s more in depth.

Wishing you the best.

~LM

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I’m adding this on 2/22/08. I was posed this question at another blog and I thought it was great because it’s a part of the equation I hadn’t considered.

The topic was how the children react when Dad enforces his appropriate communication boundary of hanging up the phone on his PEW when the barrage of hate-spew viciousness comes through the phone at him. When the kids finally get their chance to “talk” to Dad, the same situation ensues and they freak-out on him for “hanging up on poor, dear, PEW.”

Despite all the explanations in the world to his children… he ends up looking like the bad guy. And, as you can imagine, basically gets engaged in the same type of angry and frustrating conversations with his kids that he is trying to avoid with the ex. Any suggestions, Mister M?

I sure do! The same thing.

I work very hard to teach my children that they can be angry at me, mad about something, and be able to communicate that with me without being in complete freak-out mode.

It works. They can turn it off like someone threw a switch.

Yes, you bet your behind it’s tough, especially when a kid is 3, 4, 5 years old. But you do it.

On the phone, “Child, the issue is between your mother and I. When mom talks to me inappropriately, I have to protect myself. I will do the same with you, so if you cannot get yourself under control and talk to me in a normal tone of voice, I will hang up the phone.”

I will NOT argue with my children. I will have discussions with my children. Ever since they were young, I would simply pretend not to hear them until they “talk to me with your normal voice, otherwise, I can’t understand what you’re saying.”

If they’re older, they’ll understand the same thing in a more grown-up way. You talk to me like that you’ll get the same treatment. I will hang up the phone until you can talk to me as appropriately as I will talk to you.

Don’t be afraid to explain to them without DEMONZING momster that she is being rude and disrespectful and it will not be tolerated.

I can’t think of a single time where a mutual freak-out session ever accomplished anything productive. Stopping it accomplishes one of two things:

1 – The communicating parties settle down and talk to each other normally, hopefully accomplishing something.

2 – You shield yourself from the abusive behavior by SLAMMING THE PHONE DOWN IN PEW’S EAR WITH EMPHASIS while sitting back in your chair and relaxing in the knowledge that there were probably a few seconds, hopefully longer, where she was yelling like a frigging maniac at nothing… and then you laugh.

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