Archive for the ‘articles’ Category

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month – Remember…

October 8, 2008

…it happens to men, too.

I was reading an article tonight, one among many, from Barbara Kay. This one, though, went against the grain a good bit and wasn’t the same old tripe that is so often trotted out espousing women’s victimhood with barely a mention of children and nary a word about men.

Barb brings a larger dose of reality on the topic by titling her latest article, Barbara Kay, October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month; How about making November false allegations awareness month?

This is a wonderful idea that is still too big a challenge for the mainstream media to cover. I gotta give her kudos for her ongoing efforts, though. In addition to a horrendous story about a young man who was killed by someone as a result of fabricated domestic violence story, she offers some other interesting tidbits:

  • In 2000, it was reported that the FBI’s DNA testing over a three year period had exonerated more than 30% of their 4,000-plus sexual assault suspects.
  • The FBI’s Behavioural Science Unit’s 1983 study of False Allegations, a total of 220 out of 556 rape investigations – 40% – turned out to be false. (Over a quarter turned out to be actual hoaxes.)
  • About 4,000 allegations of rape a year are levelled in Manhattan. About half never happened.
  • Police officials in New Zealand state that 64% of rape reports are false.

The article goes on to talk about how men’s lives can be completely shattered by false accusations and its prevalence in family court, used as a means to get an upper hand in contested child custody cases, something that I and many of my readers have experienced first-hand. I, so far have been one of the lucky ones and not suffered the catastrophic fate that so many others often do. I’ve been subject to patently false claims, up to and including spousal abuse and child abuse, and the PEW even called Child Protective Services on us on one occasion (and the police several times). In my case, there has never been a single sanction or other repercussions for her provably false claims. That’s usually the case. It’s wrong.

Barbara Kay’s sentiment on how to handle false accusations are shared by many:

“All allegations of sexual abuse or domestic violence should be routed immediately to criminal court and the burden placed on the accuser to prove (usually) her case. Real punishment should follow on false accusations of abuse of any kind. When women get away scot free with ruining men’s lives – or provoking tragedies like those detailed in this editorial – it is inevitable that the message trickles down to society at large that false allegations against men by women and girls are tolerated and even [trivialized].”


The bottom-line is this… despite the massive mainstream media coverage that will undoubtedly focus on the abused women of the world, the public should also remember the nearly 1,000,000 men in the United States who report being the victims of domestic violence every year. The number of men and children who are killed at the hands of mother/wife/girlfriend. They should also be alarmed by the fact that there are little to no programs in place to assist battered men in need of assistance. No shelters. No free legal representation. No pro-father-bias in family courts. No multi-billions of dollars funneled to help just males via a “Violence Against Men’s Act.”

Never forget those realities. Let’s try to remember the disposable gender when we talk of domestic violence and death.

Letting Go After Divorce

September 11, 2008


Letting Go After Divorce

You married thinking your soul mate would be a great parent, and they were, they just weren’t the best spouse. There are now over one million children going through a new divorce each year. Though the courts are abandoning their once firm stance that mom is always the best parent, it’s often tempting for parents to fight for primary custody, even when the ex-spouse is capable and willing to share responsibility, to punish for deeds committed during the marriage. So how do you let go of the hurt so that you can both be great parents?

Counseling – It’s not just for married couples anymore. The circumstances surrounding a divorce often involve anger, betrayal, and even loneliness. Being able to discuss these feelings without bringing them into custody issues is imperative. Jeffrey R. Greene, Ph.D., LPCC from www.familytherapynet.com, says, “When the pain surrounding the divorce is absent or minimal, child-focused parents can work with one another toward the best interest of the child. When the issues that contributed to the divorce are unresolved, then co-parenting becomes challenging to impossible. One or both of the parents that may be struggling with feelings of failure, resentment, values differences, anger and other self-defeating feelings, would be wise to use the opportunity to establish a relationship with a therapist that can facilitate a change in their thoughts and feelings. Moving past old hurts requires letting go of one’s desire to seek revenge, minimize self-indulgence and stay focused on the needs of the child.”

Communication – While it’s tempting to keep telling your ex-spouse exactly how they hurt you, it isn’t going to change what happened to the marriage. According to Mr. Greene, “For ex-partners to get past distractions to their new mission of making joint decisions that meet their child’s needs without indulging in romps through a painful memory lane, the co-parents would be wise to establish rules or boundaries with regard to their interactions. When the co-parents have a healthy post marital relationship, their rules can be somewhat loose and ill defined. When the ex-partners are still embroiled in their pain or legal action, the rules and boundaries need to be explicit.”

Rae, divorced mother of three children says, “At first it was almost impossible for us to have a conversation without one or both of us exploding about some event that had nothing to do with the situation at hand. We eventually had to set a time limit on how long we had to complete discussions pertaining to the kids, and just walk away from each other at that point.”

It’s common sense to keep adult conversations away from the children, but often difficult in the heat of the moment. Scheduled phone calls after the kids are in bed, lunch meetings in a public setting, and even e-mail communication can all save children the added discomfort of hearing negativity. E-mail gives you several added advantages as well, such as the backspace button for those times when you stray off the topic at hand, written verification for schedule changes or other child centered requests, and the ability to prepare yourself for the interaction rather than being blindsided by a phone call during dinner.

Separate Custody and Child Support – It’s no surprise money is often a point of contention in marriage and is closely followed as a contention in divorce. While the amount of support the primary parent obtains from the co-parent is important, the interaction of both parents is what will build secure, strong children. Studies show that children growing up in fatherless homes are at greater risk for drug abuse, behavioral problems, suicide, dropping out of school, and are more likely to get in trouble with the law. Writing a check isn’t a substitute for fathers being able to engage their children on a regular basis, or even having the chance to be the primary parent if it’s in the best interest of the children. Studies also show that non-primary parents who have a significant amount of visitation, are more likely to pay their child support, making it a win-win for all involved.

Kids First – Most parents will tell you that they are fighting for everything in the divorce for the benefit of the children. Whether true or not, it’s often the children that are overlooked while the legal battle is raging on. “Children are always affected by divorce… always! Some are able to express their fears and feelings openly while others keep it to themselves. When a child begins to act-out or act-in beyond a reasonable amount of time… say 2 to 4 weeks, then they may be in need of some professional assistance. When children reach the limits of their ability to cope with stress and circumstances out of their control, some act-out… behaving in a manner that can range from hyperactive to irritable, from aggressive to verbally nasty, from rage to passive aggressive, and from inattentive to self-absorbed… while others act-in… depression, lethargy, academic underachievement, crying, suicidal thoughts, loss of interest, loss of social relationships, and disturbances of sleep and nightmares. When their behaviors are too much or too little for too long, consider a chat with their pediatrician, a psychiatrist or a mental health specialist,” advises Mr. Greene.

This article was written by DW and published in a parenting magazine.


More articles on divorce, custody, child support, parenting/step-parenting, among others can be found by simply clicking here.

To Document or Not To Document (And When)?

September 2, 2008

Despite the struggles experienced as we’ve walked this path of familial destruction, one thing that has been a tremendous help along the way is having documentation of the experiences, The Psycho Ex-Wife‘s behaviors, voice mails, you name it. Of particular help has been that documentation which is written by the PEW herself. While it has never had the “earth-shatteringly positive” effects I had often hoped it would have, it has helped, particularly when it came to defending myself against the never-ending and ever escalating accusations. Without it, it most certainly would have been my word against hers, the all-too-common “he-said, she-said” and when up against a person who can act and cry on a moment’s notice and play the victim role worthy of an Academy Award – I would have suffered so much more, of that I’m sure.

We still live in a world where men are taught to treat a woman like a lady. By and large, that’s not a bad thing to teach or learn. It becomes a societal problem when the people with whom you’ll deal on a regular basis have been taught the same. No one goes about teaching children that in divorce & family court that a mother has the capability to use any means necessary to their advantage, no matter what. Attorneys, judges, conferences officers can be and often are – duped by the dramatic presentation, the flow of tears, and facing a mother who “only wants what’s best for her children.” She is vulnerable. She is in need of help. When you live in a world where it is generally accepted that men are always the predator and women are always the victim, dad is behind the proverbial 8-ball before proceedings ever start.

The personal issue with which you’ll struggle – when do you start the documentation. Most people live their lives working to save loving, happy memories. They don’t set out to save unhappy memories and bad times. It’s unnatural. It’s not normal. It’s also difficult when you’re doing so while continuing to try to work to save the marriage. You’ll feel sneaky. You’ll feel as though you’re “setting her up.” You’ll also need to get over it. There is too much at stake to take a flyer on things working out or for things not to get so much more nasty than they have already been in your relationship and you’re going to need all of the help you can make for yourself.

All I can tell you is what prompted me to begin the documentation saving: I started saving everything when I realized that I was not going to be able to improve things and that I believed that it was only a matter of time before the marriage would end. None of the counseling worked. Moving didn’t work. Changing myself didn’t work. It was one hurdle placed after another. Add to the mix the many times had actually left or threatened to leave during our relationship, and there was simply nothing else to conclude. It was going to end. It was just a matter of when. So, back in about the year 2000, I saved every nasty email and letter and exchange. I did so only because despite my belief that things had changed for the better for fathers (boy, was I wrong) – I knew her penchant for embellishment and flat-out fabrication was a finely honed skill. No one would believe any story I would tell them because her private persona was so radically different from her public one (well, excepting the rare public meltdown). I had no choice but to start saving the evidence that would either exonerate me from whatever accusations would be forthcoming and/or to show people the “real” PEW. Even with all of the documentation, there were disbelievers, I assure you. It will be a great challenge to show the world and expose a master manipulator for who they truly are. The fall-back position is being able to show the world who you truly are not.

History can be your friend if you are dealing with a manipulative woman. Chances are that you have known each other for a decent period of time. Over the period of your life that you have been involved with this person you should have had a chance to see her in action. Throughout your relationship she has probably learned how to push your buttons just as much as you have learned to push hers. This intimate knowledge can be turned into strength for you.

In terms of your relationship, healthy or otherwise, be conscious of her actions. More importantly, be conscious of your own! Realize what she is trying to do when she behaves badly or appears to be pushing you for a bad reaction. She may be doing her best to make you look bad while keeping a log of every wrong step you take. Any incident could just as easily come back to haunt you during the custody proceedings. In every situation, you must remain as calm and rational as possible. You must not escalate. Never forget, anything you put in writing can be used for the same ends. If you engage in long back-and-forths via email, always be the calm one. No foul language. No insults. No threats. You best always be doing the right thing no matter what. This is easier said than done and requires a great deal of self-discipline.

Whenever possible, turn the tables. Be very diligent about keeping a journal or some sort of record concerning her aggressive, manipulating, or baiting behavior. The tables are turned when you use her own attempts at manipulation to make her look bad and prepare yourself to have those moments come back to haunt her.

Like it or not, women have the decided advantage in a custody fight. Even a woman who is not normally manipulative has an advantage. If you truly believe that it is in the best interests of your child(ren) to be under your care, you must be realistic and know that the battle will likely get quite ugly. As seen in our guest column from August 24th, 2008, she may do things that you never thought she could be capable of. As sad a reality as this is, you will have to become manipulative in your own right in order to expose that “dark side” and accumulate the documentation you need to help yourself and your children.

A father has to do work very hard to come out of a custody battle with a high-conflict spouse and have any meaningful amount of custody of his children, let alone sole- or primary-custody.

When do you start saving the documentation? Only you have the answer to that question. Even in a perfect relationship, those few times where your partner went “off the deep end” and wrote you a vile nastygram, assaulted you and admitted it during an email exchange, wrote you about suicidal thoughts or actual attempts – whatever it is – it may be worth stashing away in an email folder. My choice came when, after years of struggling and trying to mend the ills within our marriage, I knew it was a lost cause. Fortunately, I had more than 4-years worth of documentation prior to her pulling the plug. Hell, even telling her from the outset of what I was doing and why never stopped her from going berserk. She still hasn’t stopped to this day.

You may not be that “fortunate.”

Trust me when I tell you that I know that this article is one that will be difficult to digest. Suggesting that one might consider saving such things, even in a great marriage, flies in the face of what we believe about hope, love, faith, trust… I’ve even had the bizarre thought that two people should have a mutual agreement to save such items. If nothing else, it could help to keep both parties rather civil during disagreements!

I’m very interested in seeing what your thoughts are on this topic.

Parallel Parenting – How It Evolves & Implementation

July 23, 2008

Research on families of divorce suggest that there are primarily three styles of parenting for families after a divorce: cooperative, conflicted, or disengaged. Cooperative parenting (co-parenting) is the style used by families in which conflict is low and parents effectively communicate about their child. It is generally regarded as the most healthy outcome for the children and the parents. There is generally agreement on most parenting values, consistency in parenting styles, and debates/conflicts about the child(ren)’s lives are few.

In the aftermath of a divorce involving children, the parenting plan tends to move in the direction of co-parenting by default. The courts and all those who are a part of the divorce & custody machine love to see co-parenting and use that language often.

Unfortunately, the reason that families are in court in the first place is not because of their focus on cooperation and their ability to do so. Many a disagreement, even in intact households, have been about parenting styles. On parent doesn’t like the way the other handles a certain situation or situations. Personally, I’d like to see the language “parallel parenting” hit the mainstream due to this reality. Why do these conflicts continue during parenting in the aftermath of divorce?

  1. Continuation of hostility that began during the marriage
  2. Differing perceptions of pre-separation child-rearing roles
  3. Differing perceptions of post-separation child-rearing roles
  4. Differing perceptions of how to parent
  5. Concern about the adequacy of the other parent’s parenting ability
  6. An unwillingness of one or both parents to accept the end of the relationship
  7. Jealousy about a new partner in the other parent’s life
  8. Contested child custody issues
  9. Personality issues/factors in one or both parents that stimulate/escalate conflict

Whatever the reasons, the parents’ inability to separate their parental roles from prior conflict in the marriage is usually the most significant contributing factor post-divorce. This conflict is perhaps the most important variable in determining how your child adjusts to your divorce. Even if one parent does whatever it takes to reduce the amount of conflict in the aftermath of divorce – the benefits to the child are significant.

The first step towards minimizing the conflict post-divorce is learning to disengage from the other parent. Disengagement is one of the possible styles of parenting after divorce. If you disengage, you create a no-conflict zone around the children and have limited contact with the other parent. With disengagement, you avoid contact with the other parent so that conflict cannot develop. Disengagement is a necessary first-step to reduce the conflict before you can move on to the next style of parenting… parallel parenting.

There are significant differences between co-parenting and parallel parenting. Simply put: Cooperative Parenting vs. Independent Parenting. It’s really that simple and that difficult all at the same time. The name is derived from a similar concept in children’s play. Research psychologists have observed that young children who play together, but do not have the skills to interact cooperatively, engage in a process of parallel play. If they are in a sandbox together or taking turns going down a slide, they play next to one another, not with one another. Each child is doing her own thing with the toys, and generally ignoring the other. When they get older, they will learn to interact cooperatively and play together.

Co-Parenting VERSUS Parallel Parenting

  1. Child Focused /// Adult Focused.
  2. Parents communicate regularly /// Parents communicate only during emergencies or matters of an urgent nature relating to the children.
  3. Parents can communicate in person/via phone /// Parents communicate in writing (email, text, etc) or via a third-party (NOT the children).
  4. Major decisions are jointly discussed /// Major decisions are communicated rather than discussed (unless prohibited by a court order).
  5. Parents work together as needed to resolve issues related to the child /// Households resolve day-to-day issues independently of one another. Each parent makes decisions about the child when s/he is in their household.
  6. Parents work together with the best interests of the child in mind /// Parents work separately with the best interests of the child in mind (as they perceive them).
  7. Smooth transitions from one home to the other /// Transitions may involve substantial change for the child(ren) and exchanges may be done at a neutral location.
  8. Schedule is flexible and changes are negotiable /// Schedule is inflexible, few/no changes are made, a court-order typically dictates the exact schedule and deviations are rare. Parents need third-party direction.
  9. Parents can discuss issues between child(ren) and the other parent, cooperative discipline, extracurriculars scheduling, etc. /// Parents individually responsible for own relationship with the child and direct any issues between child and other parent back to them. Nothing is planned or discussed that would impact on the other’s parenting time.

Under such an agreement, the parents establish two separate and distinct households. Each parent is responsible for providing for the children their own sets of clothes, copies of important documentation (birth certificates, doctor & dental reports, immunization records, social security cards, insurance cards, etc.), shoes, hats, coats, school supplies… you get the picture! Contact should in written form and limited to short, factual information. (See my low-contact article for tips). Whenever possible, the transition should be made as third-party. A time frame in established, for example, father will drop child(ren) off at school in the morning and mother will retrieve the child from school at the end of the day. In this type of arrangement, there is a time buffer and that allows for a safe, healthy, no-conflict transition.

Where very young children are involved, it is important to share all aspects of your child’s functions with the daycare provider when you do the drop-off. Using the same philosophy, it is of paramount importance for parents to share detailed information with each other upon the exchange of the child. A useful tool is a “parent communication notebook.” In this notebook you will write down the highlights of your child’s emotions, behaviors, important health information, important school information, etc. during the time the child(ren) are with you. Complete the notebook in detail and pass it along to the other parent at the time of transition. I strongly recommend that you create the pages electronically. It is not uncommon for these communications to remain “one-way” and you don’t want your hard work to vanish into thin air without a back-up. Don’t let the other parent’s lack of cooperation with the notebook stop you from continuing to perform this vitally important function. This notebook should stay with your child so each parent can use it as a forum for preserving thoughts about your child and their needs. Always remember the focus is on the children. You should include no opinions about the other parent and conversely, ignore any “editorial” comments that are made by the other parent.

It is my experience and the experiences of many folks whose stories I have read that a person suffering from or suspected of having borderline personality disorder will challenge any boundary established by their target(s). The efforts you undertake in moving towards a parallel parenting plan and establishing boundaries and low-contact methods – eliminates much of the frustration that exists as you struggle to parent/step-parent with a high-conflict ex-spouse (BPD or otherwise). A firm, documented set of rules provides the structure by which you can minimize the conflict in the aftermath of a divorce with a difficult personality. It will not eliminate the issues, but will dramatically reduce them when you become disciplined enough to maintain them. Remember, you cannot control the other person – only how you react to them. It takes practice and you WILL be challenged.

Ten Tips for Successful Parallel Parenting

  1. Maintain an attitude for non-interference with your child’s other parent. Neither parent has influence or say over the actions of the other parent.
  2. Carry on a business-like attitude; use common courtesy.
  3. Do not plan activities for the children during the other parent’s time. It may be better for a child to miss an event than to witness conflict.
  4. Stay focused on the present.
  5. Stay oriented to the task at hand.
  6. Keep your children’s best interests in mind.
  7. Remember the goal is to keep conflict to a minimum.
  8. Follow up in writing all agreements and discussions regarding the children, and do so succinctly!
  9. When communication and/or negotiation is necessary, use a neutral third party to assist you.
  10. Keep an open mind.

Even under the best of circumstances (whatever that means), parenting is challenging. Adding on factors related to divorce makes parenting even more challenging. Although it is useful for parenting plans in divorce agreements to be comprehensive and specific, it is virtually impossible for every detail to be addressed in a document. But that’s actually a good thing. Why? Because children benefit as their divorced parents develop the ability to manage the details of parenting without conflict.

Do you really want to go to court and have a judge make decisions about your child? You know and love your child. So does your child’s other parent. If the two of you have nothing else in common, you will always have your child in common. You may need help to develop practical, efficient techniques to communicate and make decisions, manage scheduling, set boundaries and clarify expectations.


Resources for information about parenting styles and sources for some of the content of this article include:

Parellel Parenting – A Form of Joint Custody

What is this about Parallel Parenting?

Cooperative or Parallel Parenting

Is Parallel Parenting Back?

Coparenting Summary

Parenting Coordination – Implementation Issues

Could It Be Borderline Personality Disorder?

June 20, 2008

Borderline Personality Disorder – Information for the Family

The following 9-minute video, produced by my friends over at BPDFamily.Com, manages to capture the essence of the experiences when in a relationship of any kind with someone suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder.

It is estimated that there are 6-10 million husbands, wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, and children affected by Borderline Personality Disorder. Few know or are in treatment. When you don’t know, much like I didn’t, the trauma can be long-lasting and dramatically affect your life. Confusion, guilt, helplessness, among other experiences tend to pervade your lives. You will likely question your own sanity.

As you struggle to do everything you can within reason to get to the bottom of and cure your relationship of the never-ending chaos, the non-BPD can alter their entire personality to try to “keep the peace.” There is a term for this: walking on eggshells.

The main trait of borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a pervasive pattern of instability in interpersonal relationships, self-image and emotions. Watch and learn more:

If your loved one suffers from or you suspect may suffer from borderline personality disorder, I strongly recommend that you go ahead – visit and register at BPDFamily.Com and be sure to check out the article “Are You In a Relationship With a Borderline“.

Our 30,000 members are dedicated to support individuals and families with loved-ones affected by Borderline Personality Disorder as they journey through recovery, therapy, and self analysis.

Their website was instrumental in helping me to discover and understand just with whom I was dealing. A great many recommendations from long-standing members, even newbies, I employ today in order to manage my interactions with PEW. My only wish was that I had discovered them (and information & understanding about BPD) about 12-years ago.

Stay-At-Home-MOMS (SAHM): Worth $130,000+ ???

May 30, 2008

Only because I have never seen an article on what the working-dad is worth to the marital home, I’m going to take a stab at it.

Before I get into picking apart this annually regurgitated propaganda by Salary.Com and spread via other media – I will give you my position on stay-at-home parents. While it’s a wonderful consideration to demonstrate the importance of any stay-at-home-parent – their contention and calculations have holes one could drive a truck through.

They’re invaluable. They’re priceless. Regardless of which parent stays home, I believe it’s better for children to be primarily raised by the parent(s) rather than a daycare. I have a great deal of respect for stay-at-home-parents and it’s top on my list of jobs I’d really want to do… if I could make ends-meet while doing it.

“Stay-At-Homers” are overwhelmingly moms. In some of the internet circles I’ve frequented, it’s clear that there are times when they are devalued (ironically enough – a majority of the time in feminist circles) and not given enough credit for the valuable work that they do. For the record – so are stay-at-home-dads, if not, moreso when dealing with challenges to their “manhood” or alleged lack thereof.

Let’s examine some of the jobs and pay-rates used in determining this calculation:

  • Child Day Care Worker – $20,259
  • Teacher – $44,824
  • Taxi Driver – $27,346
  • Facilities Manager – $73,239
  • Short-order Cook – $27,477
  • Laundry Attendant – $17,917
  • Janitor – $22,440
  • Counselor – $27,638
  • CEO – $545,268
  • Administrative Assistant III – $37,143
  • Accounting Clerk III – $34,842
  • Licensed Practical Nurse – $38,111
  • Plumber I – $33,155
  • Automotive Mechanic I – $30,725
  • Cake Decorator – $21,340
  • Nevermind that no mom, unless specifically trained to do the daily tasks for a minimum of 8-hours per day – has anywhere near the necessary education, training, nor experience to “qualify” for the large majority of those jobs. Fact is, without it – they aren’t entitled to use those average salaries as a basis for determining their “worth” to the household. (For the record, no dad is, either – but to my knowledge – there isn’t any website that would attempt to do this and pass itself or the article off as being completely serious.)

    With only the fewest exceptions, most of the items on that list, fathers do exclusively in many households, if not, in tandem with their spouse, while also working a full-time (plus) job. On the flip side, there are number of items on the list that could be attributable to moms that are rather questionable, either exclusively or even in tandem with their spouse.

    I’ll avoid a prolonged argument about the “tasks” above, but spin a couple of them this way:

    – Clearing hair out of the drain or pouring Drano down the drain: ISN’T akin to being a plumber.

    – Calling AAA when the car breaks down: ISN’T akin to being an Auto Mechanic.

    – Giving your kids a “high-five” for good work: ISN’T akin to being a CEO.

    Get my drift? Now, before you go berating me about how frigging hard being a stay-at-home mom is and all of the things that you do and how you’re running non-stop from the moment you get up until the moment you lay down at night – I know stay-at-homers do plenty of work, but I call bullshit on anyone who claims how hard it is… especially if the child(ren) are of school age and spending the large majority of their day in school.

    Cooking isn’t hard. Cleaning isn’t hard. Doing the wash, isn’t hard. Washing dishes isn’t hard. Managing the children can be a pain-in-the-ass, but generally – it isn’t hard. I could blather on and on and you, the reader, can roll your eyes until you sprain them. I’ve been there. I’ve done it as a single parent – if only a portion of the time (but full days) while unemployed. I’ve done it as a single parent while holding down a full-time job. I’ve done it married when PEW was working evening shifts and was walking out the door while I was walking in. I simply never found it to be what she always seemed to compare to hard-labor in a federal prison.

    Collectively – it’s hard work and it all can be accomplished with some meaningful planning and execution. Yes, there are some days when careful planning and execution goes right out the window – but over the long haul it’s all pretty manageable, especially when you have a spouse out in the workforce earning enough money for the household so that you are able to do what you’ve chosen to do.

    In any event, when Salary.Com gets around to doing an article about the worth of the working father on that same familial household, they should tack at least some of the following onto the list they used for moms: carpenter, floor installer, toilet installer, auto mechanic (for real), landscaper, woodworker, referee, judge, jurist, banker, stock broker, financial planner, assembler, metalworker, roofer, sports coach, furniture repair, electrician, appliance installer, trash collector, gas station attendant…

    Of course, I say all this slightly tongue-in-cheek. The point is that the Salary.Com assessment is so ridiculous as to be laughable. Frankly, I think that the worth of the Stay-At-Home-Parent is something you can’t put a dollar figure on – let’s not pretend that being one is akin to being “some portion” of any of those jobs. Before you go up to your spouse looking for a $10,000+ check at the end of the month, the reality is – it’s simply not the case and Salary.Com is doing no household any favors by performing this annual “study” which is rife with flaws. They really should stop doing it, but I guess the attention that their website gets as a result makes it all worth it.

    One of the other claims that often accompanies these types of articles is that stay-at-home-moms do “all of that” for nothing. That’s a lie. Here is my list of “somethings” that stay-at-home-moms get for their efforts (in-whole, or in-part):

  • Free housing
  • Free health-insurance
  • Free life-insurance
  • Free car-insurance
  • Free automobile
  • Free gas
  • Free water
  • Free electricity
  • Free clothing
  • Free food & drink
  • Free entertainment
  • Free real-estate
  • EVERYTHING THAT IS PAID FOR by the working spouse
  • In addition, legally (in most states), the stay-at-home mom is entitled to at least half of all of the assets: autos, real-estate, retirements, future earnings, paid training to get back into the workforce, education, the children primarily (if divorcing)… and the list goes on.

    I’ll wrap this up with these final thoughts… take the article for what it really should be: show appreciation for the value and efforts of the stay-at-home parent. Recognize the important role and significantly positive impact it can have on children, marriage, and the partnership. It’s hard work that is rewarding on levels that probably could never be matched in the workplace. Conversely, appreciate the partner who is in a position to give you and your family that opportunity.

    I’m really not interested in seeing a Salary.Com article about stay-at-home-fathers or those in the workplace and their total financial worth with the other jobs that they may do at home. I’m interested in seeing their article where it belongs…

    Child Support: The Fallacy, The Fraud, And The Failure

    May 25, 2008

    Child Support: The Fallacy, The Fraud, And The Failure

    The American Legal System At Its Worst

    A Historical Perspective

    The fundamental changes in American Law that lead to the body of law we now call, “Family Law”, arose in 1960’s, born of the Feminist Rights Movements. Let’s make it clear from the start that the flaws and failures of the “family law” system are not of the making of that movement, and that both their intent and causes were good and just.

    A sociological study done thirty some years ago found that only 40% of “fathers” nationwide paid any support for their children. Somebody in government got the bright idea that we could save the taxpayer scads of money, paid out in welfare, if those fathers were “held responsible” for supporting their own children.

    The theory wasn’t half bad, just founded on a fallacy. Multiple studies, beginning from that point and continuing yet today, demonstrate this. Today, even the author of that study made more than thirty years ago, admits that the “statistical model” used to analyze that data was fundamentally flawed. In fact, the statistics showed that, back then, 80% of fathers paid child support. Yet even today, that study is widely quoted in numerous articles and legislative hearings regarding issues of child support.

    Today, we know a whole lot more. Today, those same statistics show that currently 80% of fathers pay child support. Further, we know that another 13% of fathers simply cannot afford to pay anything. Another 3% acknowledge a “responsibility”, but refuse to pay because they are denied access to their own children, and another 3% claim they are “forced into hiding” by the child support enforcement system and unable to pay for fear of revealing themselves. Total: 99%. Ergo, only 1% of men actually qualify as what could truly be considered “bad dads.”

    Please note that the percentage of men paying support for their children more than thirty years ago is identical to the percent of men paying that support today. The system itself has failed by that very fact, because it has not reduced the demands on welfare at all, as was its original intent.

    The Fraud

    Enter the lawyers. The entire “family law” system is founded on litigation, lots of it, and solely serves to feed the legal community. Much can be said about the scam perpetrated in that area of “family law” called the Child Protection Services racket, but this analysis will leave that to those more experienced and educated in that field. For these purposes, let’s focus on the “divorce industry,” a government-sponsored money-laundering scheme to enrich mostly lawyers.

    Legal Fraud

    Quite simply, the law, well supported by the US Supreme Court, states that the State must first demonstrate a “compelling interest,” and by which claim it may then, and only then, interfere with the “ownership and custody” of a parent’s children. Further, that such a claim must be demonstrated in all of the protections afforded through “due process.” That is, all the protections of both the State and Federal Constitution: An actual hearing with testimony, witnesses and statements of law, culminated in a “lawful” finding by the court that accounts to those facts presented and those laws stated.

    It would appear that “everyone knows” that the State has a “compelling interest” in the welfare of children – i.e., the “children’s best interest.” This is the first fraud, because the State simply “presumes” that authority, without any of the above procedural due process – no hearing, no evidence, nothing. It is called “procedural fraud.”

    The second fraud appears immediately thereafter, when they “presume” to assign custody of the children, presumed to be the mother more than 90% of the time. Again, the US Supreme Court says that “absent a finding of unfitness”, a parent cannot be deprived of the custody and ownership of their children, and that, again, all of the procedural rights of due process must be upheld. Ergo, custody may not simply be “assigned” and then just approved by the court. It must be “demonstrated” in the actual procedure of hearing, evidence, law and “finding.”

    The third fraud follows post haste. They demand “child support” from the now disenfranchised parent, most notably fathers. This is the key; it’s for the money. Make no doubt about it; it is not the child support money, but the taxpayer’s money. Child support generally does go to the “custodial parent”, but it is the State and Federal funds that abound for the purpose of “enforcing and collecting child support” that are the real goal of those who “act for the government.”

    This third fraud is, at law, no better than the first two. In Civil Law, a “contract”, “debt” or “obligation” is set forth in writing, but apparently not in the supposedly Civil “Family Law” system. They won’t show you a contract, and in fact refuse to discuss it. It is “presumed” to exist. They won’t show you the terms, nor discuss the determination of the amount of alleged “debt.” Again, the US Supreme Court clearly states that a “hidden contract is an abhorrent in law.”

    The fourth fraud in law is that minor little detail called enforcement. “Failure to pay child support” is stated as a “civil contempt”, ergo refusing to obey a court order. In law, there are two forms of “contempt of court”, first, civil contempt, which is failing to do what the court orders you to do, and, second, criminal contempt, which is doing what the court ordered you not to do. The former is punishable by fiscal sanctions – fines; and the latter by incarceration. Except, of course, in Family Law, where the plain and simple standard is “pay up or go to jail.”

    Both the State and Federal courts duly uphold that there must be proof “beyond a reasonable doubt” that this alleged contempt was a “willful disobedience” of the court’s order, and further, that the burden of that proof is on the prosecution to show that “an ability to pay” exists, but was willfully disobeyed. Except, of course, in Family Law, where “pay up of go to jail” is enforced almost universally: No hearing, no evidence, and no testimony required.

    The Practice of Extortion Fraud

    In practice, it is a simple system of collusion and abusing the privilege of authority. The “prosecutor” for the child support enforcement system “just does it”, and the judge “just ignores it.” Lawyers, whether willing or unwilling, are caught between hell and high water, but fundamentally are an integral part of the fraud, and reap enormous financial dividends from it.

    A couple gets a divorce, and immediately the “presumed non-custodial parent” gets a notice from the child support enforcement offices demanding that they “appear” and reveal their financial information. Many States have statutes that say this information must be revealed, under penalty of contempt. Federal, constitutional law however says that your civil rights to not answer, under the 5th Amendment, extends to all aspects of law, not just the criminal arena. “Too bad”, says the State court, “Answer or else!”

    The “caseworker” determines who gets custody, and how much child support will be paid. Enforcement is immediate. The first three legal frauds discussed above are committed in one basic act, not by a judge, but by a caseworker. The court merely “approves” whatever the caseworker says. Supposedly, that makes it a “legal decision.” Note the lack of any hearing, any evidence or any actual “findings” issued by a court. This is the entire basis of their procedural fraud, to simply ignore any actual “procedure” that might demonstrate that essential “due process.”

    Ostensibly, the caseworker is required to use “guidelines,” set by the State but regulated by the federal funding mandates, to set the amount of child support. In theory, that is 17% of your gross income for one child, 25% for two, etc. The trick is that they can “impute” your income. The original idea of “imputing wages” was to “catch” people who are making more than they claim or seek “under-employment to reduce the child support amounts. However, it is commonly and widely used to “up the ante” and increase child support revenues.

    Your first instinct is to hire a lawyer and appeal this decision. Lawyers, as “officers of the court” are prevented from arguing for your rights in these supposed Family Courts! Either by “court rules”, a fraudulent misrepresentation by the lawyer in as much as the State’s own published Court Rules make no such mention, or by the retributions of the court and prosecutor aimed at all of that lawyer’s other clients. Basically, their sole function is to “cut a deal” for you, probably better than the original exorbitant imputation, but still more than “the truth”.

    Since now you are under a court order to pay child support (or go to jail), the odds are that now you can’t afford a lawyer at all. Forget any deals. Neither the prosecutor nor your Ex will present any evidence to demonstrate this fraudulent imputation, and even though you have competent, clear evidence to the contrary, which neither the prosecutor nor your Ex will contend is false, the judge will “dismiss” your appeal. This is the procedural fraud of “administrative ruling.” No actual “finding” is made by the court, which would then have to include that evidence and testimony. Judges will even “wave away” documentation you have, making you just read it out loud, as a means of keeping it from being entered into your record.

    Judges are commonly known to “go home and do some research” and enter that alleged evidence in support of their dismissal. This is a further fraud, this time called “substantive fraud”. The judge is “acting for the prosecution”, and “entering evidence outside of the courtroom.” Both are fundamental violations of every State’s Court Rules, and a fundamental denial of any constitutional rights toward due process.

    Needless to say, you appeal that decision again, but of it is within the same court as before, and of course the result will be the same. In fact, you are required to appeal twice before that court before being allowed, and told you can appeal to a higher court, the State Court of Appeals. For 99.9% of the population, this is a daunting task beyond their knowledge and comprehension. Without a lawyer, it seems impossible, and the cost of such an appeal can run $15-20,000. Now, six months of excessive child support payments has made you nearly or completely destitute.

    It is called “adjudication by fiscal attrition.” When you go to that Appeals Court, they will not “refund” the excess, nor cease those collections, but merely, and only possibly, reduce those payments to what they should have been all along. “The Law” becomes a matter of whether it is bottom-line cheaper to pay their “buddy lawyer” for “justice”, or to pay their extortive demands. The bottom line is that most people cannot afford either.

    The Extortion Fraud

    Ultimately you reach a point where you cannot pay. These courts know that, and expect you to reach out to friends and family. They are using you as “bait” to “shakedown” the money any way they can. Again, US Supreme Court rulings state that this is clearly illegal. But ultimately, you will end up getting a Show Court Order, demanding that you appear in court and explain why you haven’t paid.

    When you appear, the prosecutor will not show evidence that you can pay this money but refuse to do so. Instead you are required to show why you cannot. There is ample federal case law that says you don’t have to “show what is not” because it is nearly impossible to do! More case law that says the burden of proof is on the prosecutor, and more case law that says “an ability to pay” must be demonstrated before the penalties of incarceration can be applied.

    The prosecutor has access to all of your records, such as employment, banks, etc., and is well aware that you can’t pay the money. They will not present that evidence even though, by law they are required to. Arguing your rights to due process or suggesting they have no evidence of an “ability to pay” will end up getting you put in jail for contempt anyway. Many States have limits for contempt proceedings, like a maximum of $500, yet it is common for them to demand far more. The only answer the court has is “pay up or go to jail,” and that answer was decided long before you entered the court.

    Of course you can appeal this decision too, and of course it is in the same court. You know the answer to that. In some cases, they are known to enter that appeal or objection into the record of your case, but then simply refuse to answer it, not denying, dismissing or setting it for hearing – just ignore it! This is gross violation of every State’s Court Rules. Of course you can appeal to the Court of Appeals, but you can expect that to be after you have already done time in jail. Nor does “doing the time” relieve you of the financial demand, and in fact more support “debt” will accrue while you are in jail. They can, in most States, keep putting you in jail, up to a total six months in any given year, making it just that much more difficult to even make any payments.

    They can, after three “offenses” put you in jail for up to ten years. After accumulating more than six months worth of child support debt, they can take away your driver’s license and any other “professional” licenses you may hold. Both of these would seem contrary to their supposed goal. You can’t find work or maintain a job without a car, and usually those professional licenses are the means you have of making any money. To understand all of this, go back to the statement back at the top, that it not about the child support money, but the Federal and State funding.

    Paternity Fraud and the Welfare Mom

    Two of the most critical abuses of this “Family Law” system involved how women are abusing it. Can’t really blame them, like in the Federal Tax system that provides “loopholes”, this system has holes you could drive a Mac truck through.

    Paternity fraud is all too common. Most laboratories that do DNA paternity testing record that nearly a third of those tests come back as “not a match”. This includes married couples. No doubt there are thousands of cases that never get tested as well. Thousands of married fathers have discovered, only after going through a divorce, that another man fathered some of their children. Yet the courts claim that it would disrupt the children’s lives to discover that and is therefore not in the “children’s best interest”. The husband is ordered to continue to pay support for them, and even prevented from telling them on penalty of contempt.

    It is common for an unmarried woman who had multiple partners during “the right time” to simply “pick a likely victim” and start prosecuting for the money. Many victims, because they did have sex with her, will not question the claim. While it would seem with the advent of DNA testing that it would be a “logical place to start”, most courts are resistant to insisting on “evidence,” commonly work to prevent testing at all or even just reject it under the guise of “the children’s best interest.” Also common, where the first “victim” turns out to not be the father, the women will just keep “going down the list”, until they get one who doesn’t “resist” or is actually proven to be the father. That list of “alleged” fathers, individually all get to pay the costs of testing and attorney fees, not to mention the traumatic disruption of their lives.

    Recent cases have also shown that some women have “retrieved” used condoms, even from men they never had sex with, and used the contents to impregnate themselves. The issues of a man’s right to choose to be a father go far beyond the scope of this article. Suffice it to say that, without a wink of consent of the father, a woman can choose to have an abortion, put a child up for adoption, abandon a child at the nearest fire station or hospital, or keep it and make the father pay for its support, often never even seeing his own child. Men have none of those choices, and are limited to the one and only choice, “pay up or go to jail.” The courts have long ignored that this is a clear violation of 14th Amendment rights to “equal treatment under the law” by hiding behind that ever present “the children’s best interest.”

    Another common trick women use is to have multiple children by multiple fathers. As stated above, child support for once child is 17% of the father’s income, but only 25% if there are two children by the same father. For women, the solution is simple, by not having more than one child per father they can substantially increase the amount of child support they can receive. The Family Law system is actively discouraging marriage and family unity, and financially encouraging the “bastarding” of our society with fatherless children .

    The Failure

    Remember that the original intent of these laws was to reduce the costs to the taxpayer by reducing the needs for welfare. As a matter of statistical fact, it has not reduced the role of welfare even by 1%. The same percentage of fathers pay child support as did thirty years ago at its inception. Here, however, is where it gets truly ugly, and reveals that these government programs are the most destructive, debilitating and even deadly ever devised by our “public servants.”

    The Basic Costs

    While government child support advertises that it collected $18 billion in 2003, it also claims that the “administrative costs” were only $4.5 billion, or $1 spent for every $4 collected. This is a hidden lie. True, the administrative costs were as claimed. False, because they are only the beginning for the multiplicity of hidden costs.

    One of the big keys to understanding this problem lies in understanding the money, or, as they say, follow the money trail. Caseworkers get a “bonus” for every case they “handle”, as do the agency heads. This commonly leads to, not only overburdening caseloads per caseworker, but also intentional acts to “create animosity and conflict” between couples to get them to “duke it out” so that there is a clear winner and a clear loser who pays child support. Joint custodies and equitable settlements are not in the caseworker or agency’s best interest. Bonuses are tied to some amount of child support being paid through their offices.

    The Family Court judges get a “judicial award”. Every State has constitutional law that prevents a judge from being paid in relation to the “performance on his bench.” So it is commonly paid as an “award” to the judge’s retirement fund. Whether now or later, the judge personally profits by his acts. Further, that over-imputation of wages now comes into play, where the alleged amount owed is directly relevant to the amount of State and Federal funding. The higher the amounts owed, the bigger the paychecks.

    Much of that State and Federal funding also goes to the courts and offices, which run the Family Law system. Besides these personal incentives, their professional “enterprise” gets more money to employ more people, and get new technology to pursue “the money” more effectively.

    Virtually every responsible economist recognizes that the billions of dollars of child support supposed unpaid is not likely to ever be paid. Most experts agree that at least 90% of it is the product of the zealous fantasies of the public servants running these programs; and that the people who supposedly owe this debt simply don’t have the money and never did.

    The Primary Hidden Costs

    Even with extensive research, it is nearly impossible to discover the “hidden costs”, very likely because they don’t want us to know the real devastation being wrecked on the taxpayer. Hidden costs start where the judge “puts you on probation” for failing to pay child support. Ultimately this leads to a warrant for your arrest. Neither the caseworker and agency head nor the judge care much whether or not you actually pay, because they get even more State and Federal funds for putting people in jail for failing to pay child support.

    The number of people in jail for failure to pay child support is a secret; and estimates range from 25% of all those incarcerated to 50% of all county jails. Either way, the numbers are staggering. First, the cost of incarcerating one person for a year is between $30-50,000. America has the highest incarceration rate in the world, at 1 person for every 147. If a quarter of those people are held for child support charges, the taxpayer for imprisoning “bad dads” is approximately $20 billion, or more than all the child support collected.

    Those people sitting in jail are not earning money, and therefore not paying taxes, ergo creating “lost money.” Many people have to hire lawyers, not to defend themselves from their Ex, but to defend themselves from their own government. The “divorce industry” is booming for lawyers, and is primarily why both the American Bar Association and Trial Lawyers Association have been instrumental in developing this system, and have a fundamental interest in promoting its continuation. Remember that the judges and prosecutors are lawyers too.

    Conservative estimates put these hidden “legal counsel” cost figures in the $100 billion range, and some experts suggest it may be as high as $200 billion. If incarceration costs run another $20 billion – or higher, and supposed “administrative costs” are about $4.5 billion, the American Public is paying a minimum of $125 billion to “collect a debt” of $18 billion. Remember that it still has not reduced welfare by a single iota and while the receivers of the child support do get “most” of their $18 billion, the primary receivers of the other $107 billion are not children, but lawyers and other members of the legal community.

    Approximately 25,000 men committed suicide last year. While we do not know the exact reasons why, because they are not here to tell us, we do know that 80% of them were “recently involved” in a Family Court case. That, on average, is almost 400 men for every State. We can’t even begin to estimate that price tag, except, sardonically to say, that none of them are paying taxes anymore either.

    Thousands more men languish in jails for crimes committed when the “snapped.” Having your children stolen from you, your house and all your property, often losing your job and then being put in “debtors prison” has a way of driving even a “reasonable man” over the edge. The recent events of the “East Coast Snipers,” whose story began in a Family Court on the West Coast, are only a small sample of the vast extent of this horrific policy.

    The Grotesque Hidden Costs

    It is our children who are and will pay the truly hidden costs, both in taxes, and in the quality of their lives. These programs are systematically, and intentionally, disenfranchising children from their fathers, because well, because it is good for big-government business.

    Those who have an interest in perpetuating this system would have us believe that this is the fault of “bad dads” who don’t care to act as good parents to their children. Of course, now we have more tax money being spent to encourage fathers to act like better dads, but have not yet recognized the true source of these problems never was the dads.

    Most dads do care very much about their kids, but these government programs are very much designed to drive them away in droves. Teaching “parenting skills” to a man who cannot afford to eat because of governmental extortions, is a futile scam, aimed solely at political pacification of “the masses” and not a purposeful address of the problems.

    Children who are so disenfranchised from a father’s “guidance and counsel” are:

    5 times more likely to commit suicide.
    32 times more likely to run away.
    20 times more likely to have behavioral disorders.
    14 times more likely to commit rape: This applies to boys of course.
    9 times more likely to drop out of high school.
    10 times more likely to abuse chemical substances.
    9 times more likely to end up in a state-operated institution.
    20 times more like to end up in prison.

    All of the above are serious societal problems that, of course, require more tax money; but now to deal with all the bad kids they have purposefully created. Incidentally, those “bad boys” are also significantly more likely to become “bad dads” themselves. It is a downward spiraling system that can only ultimately get much worse. We cannot even begin to estimate the future fiscal costs to taxpayers, much less to the “fiber” of our society.

    Band-Aids For A Cancer Patient

    Recently, many states have announced legislative “studies”, introduced new legislation, or “amended” some of their “family law” system. Virtually all of it is akin to putting band-aids on a cancer patient. These committees consistently are composed of “family court” judges, family law attorneys, and caseworkers; and all are the very people whose greatest interest is in continuation of the status quo. A recent legislative study in Ohio is a prime case in point – the committee members were exactly as that stated above.

    Beyond that, one of the most powerful key components is the Federal “guidelines and standards” which dictate formulas and rules to the State. Failing to meet those Federal formulas and rules means the reduction or complete cutting-off of those crucial Federal funds. It is these Federal funds that drive the States, and the incentive/bonus system, paid from those funds, that drives the people working for the legal system. Lawyers are driven by the lucrative hoard of litigation it all creates.

    Many students of socio/economic political systems now acknowledge that the current system of Family Law in this country is nearly identical to the system used in the “old USSR.” Many also maintain that that system was, in large part, responsible for the collapse of that government. Our Family Law system is an abject socialism, not just “a little” socialistic, but a disease-ridden, corrupt socialism that will ultimately destroy us.

    To suggest “something must be done about it” is woefully inadequate. “Who” is to do this “something”? Would we have more laws, rules and guidelines, and by the very people who are instrumental in designing and perpetrating this existing “plan”? Would we have more and bigger, big-government rule our lives? The answers to this are well beyond this author’s ability to even begin to suggest.

    Except that this author will say: Simply eliminating the entire child support system would save the taxpayer at least 100 billion dollars every year. It might also just save our society.

    This article was published without an author associated with it and it was on A Matter of Justice Coalition’s website. Reprinted with their permission.

    Divorce360.com article: Airing Divorce Laundry Online

    May 16, 2008

    Should You Expose Ex-Spouse Online? by Maria Moya

    I was recently interviewed for this article which finally hit the internet on May 15th, 2008. It should prove to be a good read because many of those who cruise by this site are bloggers in their own right – going through post-divorce hardships with a high-conflict ex-spouse or sharing other, unrelated life-stories which make for interesting reading.

    My only criticism of the article rests on the shoulders of the alleged experts who weighed in on the issues. It would seem, for instance, that Brenda Della Casa has a rather sheltered view of the purpose of blogging.

    “We live in a world that seems more and more focused on exposing oneself and innermost feelings as a way to gain whatever kind of attention or fleeting support we can.”

    “People blog and upload photos and stories on sites for many reasons, but I think the main reason is that we all want to feel our lives and feelings matter.”

    Speaking from my own limited blogging experience, it’s far less about support for myself than it is about our support of others. While that may not have been my original intention, the feedback we received here in the earliest days provided me an opportunity to help out others in the same way an untold number of people helped me. It serves as a “Pay It Forward” effort, in part.

    If the positive feelings we gain from this experience are perceived simply as a way of gaining attention and obtaining fleeting support – stamp me guilty and know that it’s so much more than that. Do I appreciate the support I get from others regarding my own experiences? Absolutely! Who wouldn’t? As an aside, Brenda Della Casa should know that people also blog to:

  • To make incredible amounts of money.
  • To stay in touch with family and friends.
  • To provide points of view on a myriad of topics to a wide audience without the shackles of “mainstream” media outlets.
  • To support a business endeavor, such as online magazines, manufacturing sites, medical business, among countless others.
  • Humor!
  • This list is obviously not all-inclusive.

    In addition to Brenda’s input, a California psychiatrist, Dr. Mark Goulston contributed his thoughts regarding why people blog about divorce.

    “They’re angry and can’t let go. They want to humiliate their ex-spouse. “They don’t have anything to fall back on either in terms of competence, a good reputation, ability to attract another partner,” he says. “In other words, they are unable to realize and live ‘the best revenge by living well.’ “It takes away from their parenting, because it’s difficult to listen with an open caring mind to kids when a part of your personality is tied up in this crazy, obsessive behavior,”

    YEESH! Dr. Goulston has a rather harsh and uninformed view of the situation. Worry not, though, I’m here to set him straight on some other realities based upon my knowledge of many members of the “blogosphere.”

    One thing I’ve mentioned many times is that anger at my ex-spouse is not what drives this effort. Further, if the purpose was to humiliate my ex-spouse, here’s the short list of people to whom I would have shared the blog:

  • My ex-spouse.
  • The family of my ex-spouse.
  • The workplace of my ex-spouse.
  • Anything and anyone of or related to my ex-spouse.
  • In my situation, Dr. Goulston might be interested in examining why I can count on one hand the number of friends and family with whom I’ve chosen to share my identity relative to this website.

    To a blogger – those I know sharing either divorce, post-divorce, or other life-related family experiences, including myself are:

  • Successful.
  • Have good reputations in our business and friendship circles.
  • Are involved in meaningful, intimate relationships with new partners in the aftermath of our experiences.
  • Are “living well” and are blessed to be doing so.
  • Work very hard at being the best parents they can be, assuming children are involved.
  • Many of them have support groups, advice, forums, and a wealth of resources that are helpful to others who may be going through similar experiences.

    Too bad neither of the experts saw fit to discuss the positives associated with the voluntary efforts of others. That’s not to say that there aren’t revenge-motivated blogs out there. The youtube video cited in the article appears to be rooted in just such motivation.

    C’mon, Dr. Goulston… it’s not all about doom and gloom, not being able to get another girlfriend… neglecting children to blog… or being stuck in the drive-thru at 30-something asking, “do you want fries with that?”

    Public Awareness Campaign for Abused Men

    May 15, 2008


    The organization known as the Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men and Women is always working to raise awareness of domestic violence, especially that perpetrated upon men. Their latest campaign is a poster effort drawing attention to domestic violence.

    As part of our ongoing effort to bring more awareness to society about abused men and the availability of our toll free helpline and services for men in relationships with abusive women, we have had a public awareness poster designed. This 11 x 17 poster has “tear off” sheets attached at the bottom right hand corner with the agency’s name, helpline number and website address printed on them so that someone can easily tear off a sheet and stick it in their pocket to take the information with them.

    We are hoping that these posters (when placed in various public places along side of other information re: domestic violence) will help men realize that when they are emotionally, psychologically and/or physically assaulted by their intimate female partner it’s also called domestic violence.

    Would you like to put some of these posters up in your local area to bring more awareness to this much ignored and hidden side of domestic violence? We are now taking orders. The suggested donation for each poster is $4.50 which covers shipping and handling and the minimum order is 10 posters. Please write us at dahmwagency@gmail.com or call 207-683-5758 to place your order.


    This organization is also sponsoring the Men’s Experience with Partner’s Aggression Project, which is still an active effort. I urge you to read this article and participate. When laws and legislation such as the Violence Against Women’s Act serve to label all men as abusers and only women as victims (purporting oftentimes as many as 95% of perpetrators are male), it’s efforts such as those undertaken by the Domestic Violence Helpline for Men and Women that are working so hard to bring a sense of reality and true equality to the situations. When it comes to establishing the necessary funds and support mechanisms that are so desperately needed to assist men suffering from domestic violence – it is up to men to report their experiences at every opportunity. Not only are you protecting yourself, you set the wheels in motion for many others to receive protection and assistance as well.

    Forget about being embarrassed about reporting an intimate partner for domestic violence. It’s not necessary to “man-up” and just deal with it, no matter how much ridicule you expect you might receive. There is a reason that false accusations against men and restraining orders based upon same are so effective at separating men from their freedom and family (and oftentimes much more). It’s due to all that “manning-up.” It’s due to a life of being taught to “never hit a woman.” Men have been trained to avoid doing anything that will bring “harm” to a woman. In the interim, the level of violence perpetrated by women is becoming more and more public. Even though they may not be punished to the same level as men, only a continued effort to expose violence, no matter the gender, will see slow changes come to the mindset of men = perpetrator, women = victims.

    I ask you, which situation makes men appear more foolish?

    Option A: Your jackass friends laughing at you for reporting that your wife/girlfriend beats you up?

    Option B: Sitting in jail when you when you finally defend yourself, leave a mark, and then you explain the situation to your jackass friends from behind the glass at your local prison?

    If she’s being violent, take action. Call the police. Call the help line. Report it. Report it every single time. I just dealt with it and did so for a long time. When I look back and think about how many times things could have turned out so horribly different… yes… even moreso than what you read about here… I suddenly realize how worthless “manning up” really is.

    Support the ACFC Shared Parenting Petition Drive

    March 18, 2008

    Mike McCormick, President of the American Coalition for Fathers and Children, has initiated a drive in support of shared parenting.


    Your participating in this electronic petition will demonstrate support for shared parenting and family law reform for all public officials. The goal for the ACFC is to acquire as many signatures as possible in order to unveil them at the DC Rally 2008. The signatures will be printed, bound, and then presented to Congress during the rally which is to take place August 15th, 16th, and 17th at the Lincoln Memorial in Washington DC.

    Please pass this petition along to your friends and family via email, too. Your efforts will help parents, children, and families throughout the country who suffer as a result of the demise of marriage. A rebuttal presumption of shared parenting will go a long way towards reducing the default adversarial nature of divorce by reducing or eliminating the perceived benefit of using the children as tools in an effort to maximize child support or punish the other parent. Most importantly, it will guarantee a maximum amount of parental involvement with their children when it is logistically possible and there exists no supportable evidence to cast doubt on the fitness of one parent or the other.

    For regular updates on the progress of this campaign, stop by and visit Glenn Sacks’ blog.

    “Children thrive with the active involvement of both parents. Children and parents should be encouraged to spend substantial time with each other regardless of the parents’ present marital status. The undersigned recognize that absent issues of abuse, neglect or abandonment, social and government policy must be structured in such a way as to promote and maximize the opportunity of all parents to contribute to the social, emotional, intellectual, physical, moral and spiritual development of their children.” -ACFC’s new Shared Parenting Petition.

    Help to try and ensure that the meaningful relationship between fathers and their children survives even if the marriage doesn’t.