Heading Towards Custody Evaluation #1

Leading into the Fall of 2004, PEW’s original work plan was to find a full-time day job because the children would be in school (S1) and daycare/pre-K (S2). However, given the adversarial nature of the proceedings and specifically her first attorney who was looking for the maximum money under every rock, it would make sense that her plan would change.

You see, if both kids were in school, there would be almost no compelling reason aside from straight-up family court mother-bias to change the custody arrangement at the time, which was effectively 50/50 shared. However, her crazy-assed Summer schedule of 2nd-shift Fridays, double-shift Saturdays, and double-shift Sundays allowed her to be “off all during the week.” This would give those involved in forcing a decision on the custody matter to look favorably upon PEW. After all, she was going to “be available all week long” to tend to the children. This arrangement could be leveraged to leave me with weekends and her with primary custody. That would be her plan exactly. Success meant primary child-support money. Success meant there was going to be little chance that I would be able to afford the steep child-support figure and be able to keep the children settled in the marital home for at least half of the total custodial time.

Still, there were the occasional scheduling issues associated with this arrangement which led to disagreements about using her sister as a sitter.

LM,

If I am awarded primary custody of the kids, it will be then that re-evaluate going into work at 5pm on fridays. I think I have gone out of my way to accomodate your work schedule(for the past 6 years.) And in return, you “make up” a bunch of lies and put in for a PFA.

My sister is a loving responsible adult. She’s doing great and has been doing great for some time. She is a wonderful Aunt. If you are not coming home at 2:30, she will be taking care of the boys till you get home.

~PEW

PEW,

As indicated by what? Repeated failed attempts to stop drinking? An arrest for public drunkenness? Doing significant damage to wheels and suspension of her car with no recollection as to how it happened? Drunk-driving. Binge-drinking. Drug abuse. Stalking. AA, [the rehab center], etc.?

Don’t think for one second that I doubt your sister’s love for the children, but unfortunately, your faith (and mine) in her efforts to get herself together have failed repeatedly over the past half-dozen years. You may be willing to risk the boys being around for the next failure, but it is of great concern to me. Driving, for sure… and watching them alone. I’ve been there when your sister has been quite unnerved when watching the boys alone. Unfortunately, both of us have to be convinced that she’s suddenly “okay” and I’m not. I’m not willing to risk her losing control if/when the boys become unruly.

In the future, I will make arrangements for appropriate child-care on Fridays for both boys.

~LM

LM,

My sister was not arrested for public drunkeness. She was issued a citation. That was several months ago and she has not had a drink since. Are you coming home at 2:30? Is that what you are telling me? Like I said, if you are not PP will be watching them for the 2 hours.

~PEW

I could not make arrangements to get out of work early that day and was stuck with PEW’s selection for babysitters.

Despite all of the hassles, I had previously explained that in the aftermath of winning the first major court hearing on the schooling issue followed by the PEW’s break-in to the marital home, followed by the restraining order being issued against the PEW, followed by PEW’s choice of her sister as her babysitter of choice given her instability and storied history… I truly believed that things were falling into place for me to get shared 50/50 custody at an absolute minimum. I started to feel that between the documented history and the choices she was making merely weeks before the custody evaluation would bode very well for me and the children.

Boy would I be wrong.

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Childhood Obesity Crisis – The Beginning

In the posts Childhood Obesity Crisis Looms Part I and Childhood Obesity Crisis Looms Part II, I provided details about the history and concerns regarding our diametrically opposed approaches to the children’s diets, especially the types and frequency of snacking. It obviously became much worse after our split because, there was no ability to mitigate what went on when the children were with her.

The following demonstrates a clear example of how things were going to be. It reached a point where literally every single day that the children were to be with me, they would be delivered mid-afternoon with some sort of a snack just being finished up. What precipitated this email was a 4th consecutive day of them being dropped off with rather large ice-cream cones.

PEW,

I’m not asking you this to be a pain-in-the-ass. This is important and I hope that you will have no problem with it.

Today would mark the 4th consecutive time you’ve dropped the kids off immediately following a trip to get ice cream. I am asking you to please stop that practice.

#1 – It makes it incredibly difficult for me at dinnertime when they’ve had ice-cream at 2:30PM. I don’t need that kind of problem when I’m trying so hard to get them to eat more of the right things and snack a little less.

#2 – It makes it more difficult for me to use an after-dinner snack as a reward for good behavior when they’ve had a snack like that already, and mere hours before dinner. So, not only does it make for a bad eating habit, it also undermines my work to give them an after-dinner snack when they’ve earned it.

If you feel you must give them an ice cream snack, please give it to them at lunchtime or something and not right before you drop them off to me.

Thanks.

~LM

It was August 16th, 2004. No provocative language. A straight-up plea for her to take more seriously the nature of what the kids were eating and, more importantly, when they were eating it.

Not only did she not reply. She didn’t stop the practice. This is one of those classic examples of giving the high-conflict spouse and excuse to do more of what you would genuinely like them to not do. What sucks about this particularly situation, well – it actually did with most – was that it was to the kids’ benefit. That didn’t matter as long as it was something with which I didn’t agree. That’s the shame of it all. She just kept right on doing it and if you read the other posts linked in the opening of this one – you’ll see just how bad things have gotten with S1.

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PG-13: Parents Strongly Cautioned!

As the madness began to escalate in the summer of 2004, I made an issue out of a movie that PEW took the children to see. The movie was Spiderman 2. I probably wouldn’t have given it a second-thought until S1, then only 5-years old, told me about how scary the movie was and also showed me the “sexy kissing” he saw in the movie. When I asked him to show me what he meant, without a partner, he did a darn good demonstration of what a french-kiss looks like. Well, if a Saint Bernard was delivering one. It wasn’t quite like the tutorial brought to you by Wiki-How on french kissing.

In any event, I hadn’t realized that the movie was rated PG-13 by the Motion Picture Association of America. While I realize that I am more than likely in the distinct minority when it comes the types of movies that parents allow their young children to see, I don’t think it’s appropriate for children aged 5 and 3 to attend a PG-13 rated movie. From the MPAA:

A PG-13 rating is a sterner warning by the Rating Board to parents to determine whether their children under age 13 should view the motion picture, as some material might not be suited for them. A PG-13 motion picture may go beyond the PG rating in theme, violence, nudity, sensuality, language, adult activities or other elements, but does not reach the restricted R category. The theme of the motion picture by itself will not result in a rating greater than PG-13, although depictions of activities related to a mature theme may result in a restricted rating for the motion picture. Any drug use will initially require at least a PG-13 rating. More than brief nudity will require at least a PG-13 rating, but such nudity in a PG-13 rated motion picture generally will not be sexually oriented. There may be depictions of violence in a PG-13 movie, but generally not both realistic and extreme or persistent violence. A motion picture’s single use of one of the harsher sexually-derived words, though only as an expletive, initially requires at least a PG-13 rating. More than one such expletive requires an R rating, as must even one of those words used in a sexual context. The Rating Board nevertheless may rate such a motion picture PG-13 if, based on a special vote by a two-thirds majority, the Raters feel that most American parents would believe that a PG-13 rating is appropriate because of the context or manner in which the words are used or because the use of those words in the motion picture is inconspicuous.

This is not children’s fodder, no matter what you see when you cruise through the movie theatres and the stuff that parents will actually take their children to see. In any event, I asked her in the aftermath of the kissing demonstration by S1 to cease and desist.

PEW,

So… S1 is telling me about a movie he and S2 saw with Mommy. And he tells me how he watched Spider Man. I’m thinking the cartoon or something, but then he tells me that he “knows how grown-ups kiss.”

I ask him to show me. And (without a partner) – he does a pretty decent job of re-enacting a french kiss.

PEW… that movie is PG-13. PG-13 movies were pretty much “R” movies back in the days before PG-13 was made to get more kids in the theatre. In any event, a PG-13 movie is “inappropriate for children under 13.” Just because they are accompanied by an adult, doesn’t mean that they are suddenly appropriate. I would greatly appreciate it if, in the future, you don’t take him and/or S2 to see a movie that is rated higher than PG. Even PG movies can have strong language.

Spiderman 2 was not an appropriate movie for the boys to go see. The level of violence and the adult situations in that movie are inappropriate for the boys. Use your head.

~LM

This early attempt at keeping things calm, cool, and collected was scuttled by my closing sentence. However, knowing PEW as we do, it really probably didn’t matter in the grand scheme of things. It wasn’t a genuine concern. It was a criticism. It was calling into question her parenting. Therefore, it was an “ATTACK!” The barrage of replies is quickly underway.

LM,

Well, I won’t be taking them to any more PG13 movies. But there was no french kissing in the movie, so maybe he saw that when you were watching your soap opera. Give me a break LM. Stop trying to find shit to bolster your custody case. You make me sick.

~PEW

Liar. That wasn’t even really the issue. It was the level of violence that had me most concerned. Hell, the movie trailers were violent enough. Of course, this wouldn’t be my only attempt to curtail inappropriate viewing entertainment as we saw with the whole WWE debacle earlier in 2008.

PEW,

a) He doesn’t watch soap operas.

b) What he did was mimic a french kiss and tell me that you tried to cover his eyes.

c) The level of violence in that movie is the bigger problem with me.

Get a clue. All I asked is that you not take them to see anymore PG13 movies. Thank you for acknowledging that and agreeing not to take them to anymore of those movies.

Have a great weekend.

~LM

LM,

Please leave me alone. I am seriously trying to do my best. I have a tough job, rough hours, I take care of our kids FULL TIME. I was trying to be amicable with you but I am seriously doubting that you know the meaning of the word. Unless it is urgent and regarding safety, please address your concerns to [my attorney]. That is what I am paying her for.

I also took the kids to the [boat museum]. Should I have cleared that through you? How bout the hair cuts? I also bought S1 a new pair of sneakers. I took them [on vacation] this summer. To see Shrek II. We went to the Zoo. [We went to parks], swimming…..the list goes on and on. What have you done? Oh yeah, you’ve been on lock down at MY HOUSE all summer watching television. Living in my house, where I should be with MY kids.

You are a loser. LOSER. LOSER LOSER!

You’re welcome……asshole. now hurry up and print this out so you can take it to court with you. Along with the past 5 years worth of “alleged” emails you have. Some husband you are.

~PEW

Pooooooooooooor PEW.

– Tough job, rough hours. That’s the schedule she chose in order to put herself into position to leverage her alleged story that she was home full-time during the week to “care” for her kids. CHECK!

– The FULL TIME card is pulled. CHECK! (Nevermind pre-K, daycare, etc.)

– The “I’m trying to be amicable” delusion. CHECK!

– “MY” house. That house she rarely contributed financially to, unless you count amassing debt. The house she walked out of voluntarily. CHECK!

– “MY” kids. The kid-owner language of a vindictive ex. CHECK!

– Insulting, name-calling amicable language. CHECK!

Touch’em all, girl – you hit the Grand Slam!

And so ended the month of July in 2004. Who needs fireworks in July when you have a high-conflict soon-to-be ex-wife?

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To Document or Not To Document (And When)?

Despite the struggles experienced as we’ve walked this path of familial destruction, one thing that has been a tremendous help along the way is having documentation of the experiences, The Psycho Ex-Wife‘s behaviors, voice mails, you name it. Of particular help has been that documentation which is written by the PEW herself. While it has never had the “earth-shatteringly positive” effects I had often hoped it would have, it has helped, particularly when it came to defending myself against the never-ending and ever escalating accusations. Without it, it most certainly would have been my word against hers, the all-too-common “he-said, she-said” and when up against a person who can act and cry on a moment’s notice and play the victim role worthy of an Academy Award – I would have suffered so much more, of that I’m sure.

We still live in a world where men are taught to treat a woman like a lady. By and large, that’s not a bad thing to teach or learn. It becomes a societal problem when the people with whom you’ll deal on a regular basis have been taught the same. No one goes about teaching children that in divorce & family court that a mother has the capability to use any means necessary to their advantage, no matter what. Attorneys, judges, conferences officers can be and often are – duped by the dramatic presentation, the flow of tears, and facing a mother who “only wants what’s best for her children.” She is vulnerable. She is in need of help. When you live in a world where it is generally accepted that men are always the predator and women are always the victim, dad is behind the proverbial 8-ball before proceedings ever start.

The personal issue with which you’ll struggle – when do you start the documentation. Most people live their lives working to save loving, happy memories. They don’t set out to save unhappy memories and bad times. It’s unnatural. It’s not normal. It’s also difficult when you’re doing so while continuing to try to work to save the marriage. You’ll feel sneaky. You’ll feel as though you’re “setting her up.” You’ll also need to get over it. There is too much at stake to take a flyer on things working out or for things not to get so much more nasty than they have already been in your relationship and you’re going to need all of the help you can make for yourself.

All I can tell you is what prompted me to begin the documentation saving: I started saving everything when I realized that I was not going to be able to improve things and that I believed that it was only a matter of time before the marriage would end. None of the counseling worked. Moving didn’t work. Changing myself didn’t work. It was one hurdle placed after another. Add to the mix the many times had actually left or threatened to leave during our relationship, and there was simply nothing else to conclude. It was going to end. It was just a matter of when. So, back in about the year 2000, I saved every nasty email and letter and exchange. I did so only because despite my belief that things had changed for the better for fathers (boy, was I wrong) – I knew her penchant for embellishment and flat-out fabrication was a finely honed skill. No one would believe any story I would tell them because her private persona was so radically different from her public one (well, excepting the rare public meltdown). I had no choice but to start saving the evidence that would either exonerate me from whatever accusations would be forthcoming and/or to show people the “real” PEW. Even with all of the documentation, there were disbelievers, I assure you. It will be a great challenge to show the world and expose a master manipulator for who they truly are. The fall-back position is being able to show the world who you truly are not.

History can be your friend if you are dealing with a manipulative woman. Chances are that you have known each other for a decent period of time. Over the period of your life that you have been involved with this person you should have had a chance to see her in action. Throughout your relationship she has probably learned how to push your buttons just as much as you have learned to push hers. This intimate knowledge can be turned into strength for you.

In terms of your relationship, healthy or otherwise, be conscious of her actions. More importantly, be conscious of your own! Realize what she is trying to do when she behaves badly or appears to be pushing you for a bad reaction. She may be doing her best to make you look bad while keeping a log of every wrong step you take. Any incident could just as easily come back to haunt you during the custody proceedings. In every situation, you must remain as calm and rational as possible. You must not escalate. Never forget, anything you put in writing can be used for the same ends. If you engage in long back-and-forths via email, always be the calm one. No foul language. No insults. No threats. You best always be doing the right thing no matter what. This is easier said than done and requires a great deal of self-discipline.

Whenever possible, turn the tables. Be very diligent about keeping a journal or some sort of record concerning her aggressive, manipulating, or baiting behavior. The tables are turned when you use her own attempts at manipulation to make her look bad and prepare yourself to have those moments come back to haunt her.

Like it or not, women have the decided advantage in a custody fight. Even a woman who is not normally manipulative has an advantage. If you truly believe that it is in the best interests of your child(ren) to be under your care, you must be realistic and know that the battle will likely get quite ugly. As seen in our guest column from August 24th, 2008, she may do things that you never thought she could be capable of. As sad a reality as this is, you will have to become manipulative in your own right in order to expose that “dark side” and accumulate the documentation you need to help yourself and your children.

A father has to do work very hard to come out of a custody battle with a high-conflict spouse and have any meaningful amount of custody of his children, let alone sole- or primary-custody.

When do you start saving the documentation? Only you have the answer to that question. Even in a perfect relationship, those few times where your partner went “off the deep end” and wrote you a vile nastygram, assaulted you and admitted it during an email exchange, wrote you about suicidal thoughts or actual attempts – whatever it is – it may be worth stashing away in an email folder. My choice came when, after years of struggling and trying to mend the ills within our marriage, I knew it was a lost cause. Fortunately, I had more than 4-years worth of documentation prior to her pulling the plug. Hell, even telling her from the outset of what I was doing and why never stopped her from going berserk. She still hasn’t stopped to this day.

You may not be that “fortunate.”

Trust me when I tell you that I know that this article is one that will be difficult to digest. Suggesting that one might consider saving such things, even in a great marriage, flies in the face of what we believe about hope, love, faith, trust… I’ve even had the bizarre thought that two people should have a mutual agreement to save such items. If nothing else, it could help to keep both parties rather civil during disagreements!

I’m very interested in seeing what your thoughts are on this topic.

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"Time will tell which one of us winds up alone and broke and which one of us finds a happy, healthy, relationship"

Yes, it’s a brutally long title, but it is a quote from July 27th, 2004 from the PEW. I would say in light of the circumstances that have transpired and continue to transpire – warranted it’s use. A little, very nasty part of me is going to want to forward this back to her some day. Of course, that might make me as nasty a little bitch as she was for sending that to me, mightn’t it?

LM,

I could certainly say the same about you. If you had worked on the marriage and not sceamed in my face AGAIN. After the 100th time I said if you did it again, I’m leaving you. We’d still be together and the kids wouldn’t have to shuffle back and forth….would they? So, if you had the kids best interest at heart, you wouldn’t have screamed in my face on New Years Day AGAIN!! I know I know….you didn’t do it, right?? You’re still in denial LM. Look in the mirror.

Am I not doing the right thing by the kids by working a 2nd shift job full time. I certainly couldn’t have supported myself and them on $550.00 for 3 months huh? They don’t go to day care everyday. I’m not the one trying to send S1 to public school because that’s not the best place for him. I reiterate…..get HELP.

You just don’t want to pay ANYTHING. Everyone knows that, you’re embarrassing yourself.

~PEW

It’s July. As she almost always did, she dug through her archives and brought something up that has no relevance to the matter at hand. Again, her horrifying, abusive behavior is not subject to criticism, only instances where she wraps herself in the cloak of victimhood.

The other thing that is worth mentioning is that I had already started paying child support without an order to ensure that the kids needs were met at both homes. Further, remember that I bailed her out on moving day when she had the movers do all the work and when they asked for payment prior to unloading – she didn’t have the cash. Can you say (again) PROJECTION?

She immediately followed-up with…

LM,

And again, don’t tell S1 he’ll need his appendix out if he doesn’t eat vegetables. Also don’t get drunk around them. OK?

~PEW

Both false. And to this day, I still can’t figure out how she manages to pull such dung right out of her ass. Scary, mere accusations like this have an influence against a father in court. Expect them. Prepare to be accused of every evil, despicable thing you can imagine and then some.

Which was immediately followed-up with…

LM,

As far as your assertion that I have not lifted a finger to settle things, I laugh….ha ha. I have said from the beginning that I want to have an amicable relationship. I would like to be friends. I want to co-parent our children in the best possible way imaginable. Then you refuse the joint custody, refuse to pay support, refuse to sell the house since you can’t afford to buy me out. Now we have to go through the whole [court-ordered evaluation] thing so that you can have a judge tell you that we will be having joint custody. But hey, if you have a couple extra thousand bucks laying around, I guess that’s what we gotta do. See you in court LM. I’ll be saying…..I told you so when the judge recommends joint custody. What are you thinking? Why would anyone award you primary custody over me? It’s not going to happen, it doesn’t even make sense. For all your insult slinging about me being “mentally ill” I have just as many examples of “your illness”

~PEW

“HA HA.” Jackass. She has/had never attempted an amicable relationship. She never wanted to nor tried to “be friends.” She filed for sole custody. I paid support, just not the support she wanted when I was primary custodian (in practice) – and at a time when she should have been required to pay me support. I refused to sell the house when I could buy her out and sold it when she repeatedly had appraisals done at a time when the market was red-hot. As the appraisals increased, her demands increased until I was priced out of keeping the home. At no time has she presented a single shred of evidence of any mental diseases or defects during the court of all of the hearings and all of the conferences. Just unsupported allegations of anything she could conjure up.

At no time during the last few years did she ever agree to joint custody. It wasn’t until it was ORDERED in the Fall of 2007 did she “agree by force of court order.”

Also, readers – never forget that quote: Why would anyone award you primary custody over me?
This is a firmly entrenched belief of many high-conflict mothers involved in custody disputes. It’s a common theme in our society and in family court. They know it. They use it. Too often, they get it.

Finally, I reply:

PEW,

Award-winning elementary schools… and when you factor in the money I gave you to get into your apartment and all of the other little financial responsibilities that you left in your wake… it was quite a bit more than $550.

[The children’s] elementary school is a fantastic elementary school. This isn’t the [City] school system, PEW.

And spare me your revisionist history. What happened on New Year’s Day was that you accosted me on the way home from your parents at the mere suggestion that you father’s friend was selling a motorcycle. I didn’t scream “in your face.” I love it when you always fall back on that.

~LM

Reality was never her strong suit. Neither was math. The actual figure was somewhere NORTH of $1,200 direct, not to mention a bunch of expenses (like sticking me with a termination fee on her cellphone because “her, her sister, and her mom were getting consecutive phone numbers.” Ain’t that sooooooo cute?) No, that’s not a joke. You would think that these were pre-teen girls. Oh! That’s right. Mentally, that’s exactly what they are.

LM,

You advanced me the tax return when I moved. And what financial responsibilities are you talking about? I pay for the expenses for the van. I am paying the credit card. It was not more than $550. Please, spare me. You are a scary person. Your life hasn’t changed much over all of this, huh? Mine has. I now live in an apartment. I had to buy all new stuff. I had to start working double the hours to support myself while still caring for my own children FULL TIME, so that they don’t have to go to daycare. The list goes on. You are the most selfish, self serving person I have ever known in my life. Especially since you claimed during our marriage that they were the happiest years of your life. Did you lie? Because if that’s the case, this is what I deserve for giving you that and two beautiful children. Haven’t you taken enough from me. You took 10 years of my life and made them a living hell. Can I please have my life back?

~PEW

The victim continues to cry “poor me.” This is pure fiction. She was working 40-hours per week before she left, she was working 40-hours per week after she left. As for “caring for her children FULL TIME” – They were in school or pre-K every day the moment she could put them there. She was home most of the days WITHOUT the children present. Then, on the weekends, I had them (Fridays through Mondays) while she was working an insane night-shift Friday and double-shifts Saturday and Sunday. The amount of actual “wake time” with the children she had in any given week was approximately 16-hours. I had that on a Saturday. Full time my ass.

She was big on “caring for the kids full time.” Even after they entered elementary school, they were gone all day… in aftercare until she was done work… home, dinner, bed. Then, I had them every-other-weekend when I was relegated to NCP status… but she cared for them “FULL TIME.” Ever the martyr.

She was paying off her own credit card. She didn’t have ANY maintenance done on the van in the time she had it. Not even a single oil change in over 10,000-miles before I got it back from her. She absolutely did not “have to buy all new stuff.” We had a house full of furniture she could have taken from. The borderline’s ability to create and believe their own version of reality is uncanny.

PEW,

The few weeks over the course of 10-years where you weren’t descending into that angry, hateful, viper-mouthed person… were some of the happiest in my life. No, I didn’t lie.

I’ve taken nothing from you. You’re the one who wanted a divorce for, and I quote, “you don’t make enough money, I don’t have enough things, and you don’t treat me right.”

You’re the one who never appreciated what you actually did have, could never appreciate any gift, ever… and it was always about what you wanted, wanted to have, wanted to buy, which sisters-in-law had bigger rings than you, hocking the engagement ring… and the list goes on. There is a reason why you NEVER, ever wanted to establish a budget with me. You didn’t want the responsibility of being grown-up enough to save money to acquire the things you wanted to have. Lord knows I asked you often enough. You wanted to go into massive credit card debt because “all of your friends” had massive credit card debt. We only refinanced 7,000 times because of it, and the latter 3/4 of last year was yet another demonstration of your inability to control your spending.

Spare me that I’m the selfish one… never once did I threaten to “divorce” you if I didn’t get my way. You, on the other hand, that’s all you ever did.

You didn’t have to “buy all new stuff.” That’s an excuse to justify your compulsion to spend spend spend with no responsibility for the consequences. You just didn’t like what you had the option of taking and spent on the promise of a big payday by your attorney blathering on about how this is “clearly a 70-30 case.”

Please, stop pulling your “poor me” campaign on me. I’ve lived with you. Save that story for people who didn’t live with you and didn’t know the kind of things you pulled to get your way.

You can now stop with the repeated revisionist history emails. You’ve made your choice for divorce, so rehashing it all (yet again) to solidify your version of the fantasy in your mind is a waste of my time.

~LM

LM,

The only word that describes you is “liar” everything you wrote is lies. I lived on a very tight budget when we were together. I didn’t have nice clothes, nice furnishings, etc…..What was I buying in this compulsion to spend? You are whacked.

Anyway, time will tell which one of us winds up alone and broke and which one of us finds a healthy happy relationship. Time will tell. I say you wind up living alone…..with all your junk surrounding you like Fred Sanford.

~PEW

I have to admit, even today, I laugh at the “Fred Sanford” dig. It’s funny. Really funny if you are aware of who Fred Sanford is. If not, CLICK HERE.

As for the bolded part which is this post’s title, I can’t say that I won’t be broke, but the irony of this dig made 4-years ago given what is going on today is not lost on me.

This is then immediately followed-up by…

LM,

I did appreciate and will never forget the time I had when the boys were babies with them. And you helped that happen by not making me work full time. Thank you. That was the best time in MY life and that is what I try to remember when you make me angry. And I tell myself that you will never grasp what was wrong between us, so I just need to move on. You have no desire to improve yourself. For that I feel sorry for you.

~PEW

Oh, I grasp what was wrong with us. What more can I say that I haven’t already said, repeatedly, throughout so many of these historical posts? We ran this circle so many more times than I care to count, it’s embarrassing.

PEW,

Don’t feel sorry for me. Get help. Clearly your tone and your continued desire to re-write your own personal history to make it seem like you weren’t completely VICIOUS to me on regular cycles is sad. Your repeated failure to follow-thru on counseling… is that a lie, too? Your constantly ruining holidays because you don’t get what you want, or didn’t like something you did want, or how you got it? That a lie? You didn’t hock the engagement ring for money while complaining that my brothers’ wives all had better rings than you? That a lie? We couldn’t look at homes in areas of interest to me because you would file for divorce? Was that a lie? Did we not move under penalty of divorce? Was that a lie?

Spare me, PEW. The truth is out there but you just don’t want to face it. When you didn’t get your way… you threatened. Others’ concerns or desires were always secondary to your own… and if someone else had a different viewpoint, you either ran away or threatened divorce.

Even your own friends know that.

Maybe you could get on with that wonderful life you envision if you would stop emailing me recreating the last 10-years of your life to suit your desire to validate yourself while convincing yourself that you never did any of these things… and do them often.

~LM

Period. End of discussion. Well, this one, anyway.

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Stalker Stuff (Cyber-Stalking)

Every once in a while, something happens that makes me cranky for longer than a few minutes. The last few days would include one of those instances.

During a short exchange regarding getting the children this week (right of first refusal issue) – PEW did what I’ve described previously as either letting me know she knows something she shouldn’t (always nothing major, just enough to let me know she’s stalking) or tips me off about something she has planned, which is always helpful to me with preparation.

The latter – I’ve already discussed. She’s planning on taking a run at more child support when the year since the last order is up – October. It’s kind of a big deal in that even though the risk of an increase is small, the amount I know it could increase will end up being a substantial burden (a few hundred bucks). However, it could go my way, which would result in a reduction of a few hundred bucks. At least I have the time to prepare and get my paperwork in order. She’s probably suffering from significant withdrawal symptoms given that we haven’t seen the inside of the court room or conference room since November of 2007.

The other thing was a bit more of a shock to the system. In terms of the big picture, it doesn’t amount to a hill of beans. However, the reality that there was only one way she could have come about the information is alarming (and a Federal crime, if only there was some way to prove it).

She made a less-than-nice reference to the place we rent where I work including some specific detail about the exterior. Now, below the surface, it might indicate that she came onto the property. However, I’m not convinced that happened. She could have simply come into the knowledge given a description of the residence by the boys. In order to have seen the place for herself, she would have to drive up a 1/4-mile long driveway and past the main house (landlord’s estate) in order to see it for herself. That would take a lot of guts and risk. (Of course, the owners are aware of no gory details, so I imagine she would only have to say she made a wrong turn if confronted anyway.) DW believes nothing would stop her from crossing such lines. I suppose I do, too, after all, she went head-to-head with Judge Contempt with no qualms at all and engaged in heated debates with her. I can be strong-minded, but that’s a line I wouldn’t dare cross.

I’m considering taking a picture of her car, it’s license-plate and giving it to the property owner and telling them, If this car enters your property, call the police and have her arrested for trespassing. I’m on the fence about whether or not to do that. Our landlords are great and I don’t want to cause them any undo worry or, in a worst-case scenario, give them a reason to find new tenants.

The bigger deal was…

She wrote a sentence in an email that included a few words regarding a disagreement DW and I had over a minor issue earlier this year. While it was factually inaccurate, I think it was deliberately so. The point is, the knowledge surrounding the general issue was enough to send the message ‘I know something… I saw something… and I’m letting you know I saw it in a place where your security was violated.’ As the matter was discussed only between DW and I verbally and a few emails, there is only one way she could have come about the information. DW and I discussed it with no one outside of ourselves. No one. It means the only way she could have known was by being in an email account I have in which the discussion took place.

So, I immediately logged-in and looked around. I didn’t think I had saved anything and I’m usually very diligent about purging my emails. When I go into the sent folder, I see that the email doesn’t automatically purge sent items like some do. Going way back, I found ONE email that contained just enough detail for her to let me know she “had something” on me.

This disturbed me to my core. Not in that I thought she was beyond that, quite the contrary. I’m at fault for leaving a password on it that, while obscure, dated back to something that she could have guessed, even on a lark. I thought about “forgot password” options where you need to answer a few questions that anyone who knows you could probably answer quite readily. In this case, it resets the password, which means I wouldn’t have been able to login. We wracked our brains. It’s the ONLY way.

So, I’ve changed all of my passwords. In my reply, I tried a very roundabout way to try and coax an admission out of her so that I actually had a shot at taking some action. It didn’t take and I let it go because I didn’t want to prolong a discussion about something that was none of her business nor had any bearing on any issue that has existed or may arise between us.

I’m pissed that there is nothing I can do about it and that put me in a cranky place for longer than most things I usually just find a way to disregard or otherwise just laugh-off as more of her mindless, delusional ranting. That’s two felonies she’s committed and I either can’t prove it or simply don’t have the funds and wherewithal to pursue.

It would appear that no matter how hard I wish and pray she would just stop – she isn’t going to. Very frustrating.

LESSON: USE STRONG PASSWORDS. CAPS, LOWERCASE, LETTERS, AND NUMBERS, FOLKS!

Chances are, your ex-spouse or ex significant other knows what hospital you were born in, your mother’s maiden name, your first pet, the first time you shaved your ass, any school you’ve ever gone to, your grandparent’s first and last names, the first time you masturbated, your first car, your first job, etc. I wish that email systems would just allow you to do a password reset based on you answering your own custom questions. Dumbasses.

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You’ve Been Holding Me Hostage for YEARS!

Okay, time to jump back into the time machine as we’ve just started down the divorce/custody path. July was relatively uneventful, but I still did get nasty emails and voice mails. I suppose I put her in my block list on instant messenger which would account for the lack of IM ambushes during the summer.

After one particularly nasty voice mail message, I called back and told her I wouldn’t reply to such nastiness anymore. She followed with an email:

LM,

I received your VM message. Are you serious? Disrespectful? I told you that you’re a liar so you’re going to get a restraining order? Seriously? I wasn’t even angry on the phone.

Here’s how things went down….the facts. You need to check yourself.

I asked you for a divorce over 3 years ago when I was pregnant with S2. Then I asked for a divorce about 5 subsequent times over the following 3 years. You told me “No, I’m not giving you a divorce”. I went to the counselor of your choosing, both Dr. M…… and Dr. P…… I went to individual counseling. Only to realize that I couldn’t fix what was wrong between us, especially since you weren’t willing to change because you self diagnosed me as being “mentally ill” because I use too much electricity or whatever your reasons are. Maybe because I asked you to do a little housework or something.

Anyway, here we are 3 years later. I was hoping I would be able to stick it out until the boys were older. Maybe I should have, who knows? This isn’t where I want to be in my life right now, but when you decided that you “deserved” a motorcycle…..that’s when I decided that there really was no use in punishing myself anymore. I made a mistake. I married someone who loves money and things more than people. I’m trying to correct that mistake. I’m finding out exactly how “right” I actually was all this time. You want to be the primary custodial parent so that you don’t have to pay support. I know it, you know it, [your lawyer] knows it, [my lawyer] knows it, everyone in both of our family knows it……the judge will know it.

You need to do a little soul searching…..if you have one. I love the boys and I know you do. I want to co-parent with you. I want an amicable relationship. I used to want to be friends, but I’ve let go of that notion completely. I can’t be friends with someone who would put money in front of his own children.

Get a grip on yourself, PLEASE. I’m pissed and rightfully so. You have been holding me hostage for years and YOU KNOW IT. Maybe that’s why I seem mentally ill do you. Also if you keep saying stuff like that, I’m going to ask [my lawyer] to look into slander charges.

~PEW

Mmmhmmm… the facts:

– She was her usual nasty self via VM. No one has bigger voice mail and email muscles than PEW.

– She claims to have gone to a counselor of my choosing. She didn’t. She refused to go and I went to counseling on my own. When her paranoia about what was being discussed in those sessions became too unbearable, she decided to come and tell “her version” of the truth. When confronted about some of her issues by both – she quit.

– All of her claims about “money and things” are absolutely projection on her part. I can still hear the reason for the divorce: “You don’t make enough money, I don’t have enough things, and therefore, you just don’t treat me right.” I kid you not.

– She would often claim co-parenting, wanting to be friends, wanting to be amicable, all the while doing the exact opposite every single step of the way.

PEW,

Do not harrass me by phone or I will take appropriate action. I have no objection to your being pissed off at me for any reason, legitimate or otherwise. I will not allow your verbal abuse to continue any more.

If you want to vent at me, do it via email. If you call me and are disrespectful and abusive any more in the future, I will take action.

That is all I have to say on the subject.

Thank you. Have a nice day.

~LM

LM,

You need to outline for me what it was that I said that you considered “verbal abuse” because historically anything that is in disagreement with your opinion is “abuse”……please elaborate. I was not abusive to you on the phone. Your hystrionics need to stop. You screamed in my face for the past 10 years now all of the sudden, me calling you a “liar” is me abusing YOU?

~PEW

I should have replied, “When you open your mouth.”

PEW,

I will not outline what constitutes verbal abuse. As I said in my VM, I will now record every phone conversation we have. It has nothing to do with you calling me a liar and everything to do with the name-calling and the wild accusations you levy at me with no foundation in reality.

If you continue to do this, particularly via phone, and especially if you call me in work to do it, I will record the conversation and take any appropriate action I can to see that it stops.

I don’t harass you in work. I don’t harrass you at home. I expect the same in return. Stop initiating fights.

~LM

Do you see a pattern here? (From BOTH of us?) Oh, do I wish I had learned about low-contact in 2004 instead of 2005.

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Oops! …I Did It Again!

No, this is not a review of the popular (or should I say… once popular) Britney Spears song.

What I mean is, I have again violated my own advice and took a small step over the boundary (and advice) I lovingly refer to as LOW-CONTACT. Feel free to bash me with your comments. I deserve it. Still, despite thinking I knew that the words would be wasted, what I got in reply was completely unexpected.

It started off as appropriate communication and then I crossed that low-contact line. It was a continuation of the discussion about picking up the boys early today.

Here’s how it started:

LM,

Two things I wanted to let you know. I get done at 3 tomorrow, so I’ll pick the boys up from camp and then you can pick them up at the house. The second thing is that they told me you told them it was their choice about going with you this weekend? I really wish you could see how upset they are about this. I’m not trying to be a jerk to you or anything….I just wish I knew why they are reacting this way.

~PEW

My reply isn’t too bad in keeping it short and to the point. However, I do get into a slight bit of explanation.

PEW,

– Okay, I’ll pick’em up from the house.

– I did not tell them that it’s not their choice. I let them know that I would be asking you and it was your choice.

– They react that way because that’s what they do when they want to get their way. This is not a new display for them. When they’re used to getting their way when they whine, cry, and get all dramatic, that’s what they do. It’s also why they don’t do it with me. The parent makes a decision and the kids live with it. There is no reason why they should be left to badger you about this for days on end. “Mom and Dad made a schedule change. Stop whining.”

~LM

And comes the inevitable reply…

LM,

Well, I look at the bigger picture, which is, they should be HAPPY to be going to you early, not freaking out. That’s the part that I don’t like. I have S2 saying to me before bed, “I wish you and Daddy didn’t break up, why did you? then we wouldn’t have to do this back and forth back and forth all the time and the long trips all the time”……I don’t like to have to go back there and try to explain all this four years later….they should WANT to be with you. That’s the big picture….it’s not about getting what they want, because they don’t ever get what they really want.

~PEW

The usual guilt-tripping, mirroring, excuse-making, and of course, blaming while acting as though they “want” to be with her and “don’t want” to be with me.

Now, when I’m actually being smart – this is the point where I would go “dark.” That is, it’s the end of the replies. I wasn’t smart.

PEW,

You just don’t get it and likely never will.

~LM

I know having crossed the line, it will escalate.

LM,

I get it. Do you???

~PEW

NOW, I choose to wise up and not reply. I accept that my “beat around the bush” not being accusatory in my reply would probably fall on deaf ears. She doesn’t get that given the choice between fun-house all the time and fun-house some of the time with responsibilities, reading, learning, discipline and expectations… children will want to be at “fun-house all the time.”

What happened next was completely unexpected and apparently… serious…

LM,

We could get back together, is that an option?

~PEW

Are you fucking kidding me?!?!?! I’ve posted before about DW’s contention that this has been the case all along. I also posted specifically about a challenge and openly admitted, despite prior disbelief, that DW was absolutely correct and I was unequivocally proven wrong. (I can’t remember which one it was and so… no link for you!) This isn’t the first “get back together” overture by PEW, but I am still completely shocked each time it happens. Remember, I’m the drunken, drugging, physically/mentally/verbally/emotionally abusive, impotent homosexual who cares about no one and nothing except himself and money. It’s why she walked out on me and filed for divorce and fought me tooth-and-nail for custody of the children. I’m the guy who caused her to fear for her safety and that of the children.

She is sick. And it’s sad… and it’s frustrating… and worst of all – it’s scary. I have fears that I wouldn’t wish on anybody – and they have to do with the children… but again, there is nothing I can do about it.

I reply…

PEW,

Not only is it not an option, it never was nor will it ever be. I’m deeply in love with DW and I wish you would stop with such complete and utter nonsense.

And if you’re even remotely serious with that question – you’re just not right in the head.

~LM

Yes, I went “low-road” instead of low-contact. I told you… I still make mistakes. I make mistakes even when I know before I make them that they’re mistakes.

LM,

Well that would make two of us, who are not right in the head, wouldn’t it? I’m glad you’re deeply in love. You should try not hating me so much and thinking of yourself as so superior, because you’re just not.

~PEW

She’s right but not for the reasons she thinks. I’m not right in the head because, as I often say to others in similar predicaments… “You talk to her too much.”

What she and some others don’t get is – I don’t hate her. I often hate some of the things she does, but I don’t hate her. She’s just not right and for that I’m sad… most especially for the kids.

Tomorrow… my fantasy email reply to her lack of understanding about why the kids react the way that they do. I haven’t done one of those in a while.

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So I Don’t Have to be the Bad Guy…

The wait for the reply is over. At least initially, I was pleasantly surprised and prepared to say, “I was wrong, she came back with a reply that was civil and cooperative.” She did. Unfortunately, it wasn’t long before the backslide began and old habits reared their ugly head. The old habit? An inability to just step up and “be the parent.” So, without much further adieu – the reply regarding yesterday’s request for extra time with the children.

LM,

Actually, camp ends on the 15th for the summer. I had arranged to have my friend T——‘s nephew (a teenager) watch them that week, which is fine if you’re working up here and you want to leave them with him during the day at my house and just pick them up after you get done work that’s fine too.

I think it’s only fair that I let you have them early if you want this week since you did that for me when I wanted to go away. Are you guys going somewhere?

~PEW

A couple of things are interesting in this response. That is… aside from the apparent cooperation.

The first – the irony that she has a “teenager” prepared to babysit the children. This is another one of those examples where her rules don’t apply to her, just everyone else. Of course, the first thing I remember is her outrage that I had not one, but TWO very responsible 16-year olds watch the boys for a few hours on New Year’s Eve while DW and I attended a community event. So, it’s okay for her to do that (all day long while she is at work for a full week), but not okay for me to do it for a few hours. She made mention of it in this rant about her safety concerns.

The second – this is a violation of the court order. The childcare provision of our agreement was born of a couple of issues. #1 – her repeatedly pulling the children out of agreed-upon childcare and placing them with friends while pocketing my portion of the childcare expenses. (She was ultimately found in contempt-of-court on that issue.) #2 – Her objections over my early use of a nanny (who happened to be licensed and certified). In order to avoid any more problems, a provision regarding childcare requires:

7 – Childcare: During the school year, the children are to be enrolled in aftercare associated with the school they attend preferably. If not, another licensed daycare facility is permitted as agreed upon in writing by both parties. During the summer period, the children are to be enrolled in a licensed daycare facility, summer camp, or certified nanny as agreed upon in writing by both parties.

So much for her alleged safety concerns and at least she remains consistent in not following court orders. Still, I am pleased with the apparent cooperation!

Well, it didn’t last long. The initial response consititutes an “agreed upon change in writing between both parties.” See my post The Greatest Custody Order/Agreement Clause post. I wrote back:

PEW,

Thanks. If you have day coverage, that would make it MUCH easier. I can cover you on the 20th & 21st. No specific plans, just wanted to have two full weekend days to do stuff. Beach. Bike training. Whatever else we can think of.

~LM

Not long after my agreement to do both, comes the change via text and then email.

Text message 1 from PEW:

The boys freaked when I said they were getting pu early they said that ur not going anywhere.

Text message 2 from PEW:

Can we do it on a weekend u have something special so I don’t have to be a bad guy?

Email from PEW:

LM,

would you like to try to talk to them about this weekend? I felt really bad because they said they feel like they don’t get to spend enough time with me.

~PEW

It was nice while it lasted. It’s astounding, given how many times I’ve been deliberately put into the position of “bad guy” because she didn’t want to parent, discipline, explain appropriately, etc. because of her. This link explains it pretty well: Why Our Sons Will Struggle with Discipline. It is one of many examples sprinkled throughout this blog. Here she is, incapable of taking advantage of a perfect opportunity to explain to the children that mom and dad are cooperating and put down their clear attempt to manipulate the situation. Again, I will not bail her out.

PEW,

No, not particularly. What I would like is for you to tell them that we’ve made a schedule adjustment, as I have for you in the past and it would be nice to just spend a weekend doing things instead of spending one of the days interrupted by an exchange.

What I won’t do is get into a situation where they’re manipulating the situation into that one of us (whether it is you or me) have some “expectation” that something “special” needs to be done for them… on their terms. An explanation that we’re cooperating with one another for a change is all the reason that they need.

~LM

At this point, I’m not sure that the early pick-up this week is going to happen. Of course, that will be another violation of the custody order and the question becomes, do I point that out and go pick up the children anyway? We know that will only escalate the situation, but I am well within my rights to do just that. Of course, it will be met with the flaming email barrage which will be ignored.

In any event…

LM,

Fine. I’ll talk to them. As for the 20th and 21st, I just need you to take them overnight on the 20th. I’ll be coming home thursday night around 7 or 8ish, so I’ll just have someone watch them till I get home. On Friday morning I’m going to take them to [parent’s vacation home] for the weekend, so just confirm, ok?

I also wanted to talk to you about school supplies. I have lists and I am wondering if you will split the cost with me this year because I am broke, as you know?

~PEW

Aren’t we all? In the same breath that she informs me she is taking off from work to drive several hours for a weekend vacation – she’s telling me to split the school supplies because she’s broke. Did you catch that?

PEW,

I’m confirming everything with one exception. I’ll pick them [up] on Thursday and take them home and feed them and we can arrange to exchange as you get closer to home.

Email me the school supplies list.

~LM

Fine LM. I have the lists at home, I’ll try to remember to bring them tomorrow.

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PEW Can’t Handle The Kids – Wants to Settle (not)

June 23rd, 2004 – PEW calls me distraught over not being able to handle the children. She says she wants a settlement of $30,000 and will give me primary custody of the children. This is actually the 2nd-time I’ve gotten a “I can’t handle the kids” phone call and have taken them off her hands for at least a night.

This will be another in a long line of agreements that will be rescinded. In any event, with the hope of a settlement being dangled in front of me, I spring into action, call my attorney, and hastily try to organize the details of how to get it all documented, signed, sealed, and delivered. The phone discussion where she was angry, distraught, helpless took place on the evening of the 23rd. I think I was on the phone (on and off) with the attorney all day on the 24th. I send her an email on the 25th…

PEW,

FYI >>> I spoke with [retirement company] again this morning and they informed me that I cannot take a distribution to settle the matter. It must be a “Qualifed Domestic Relations Order“ of transfer into an account for you. That said… here’s an option for consideration…

– Settlement: I agree to a figure that will YIELD the $30G you’ve requested. Sign-over the van.

– Custody: I want to be custodial parent. It doesn’t matter to me how the language is worded, but I want to have primary legal/physical custody and we can agree to an appropriate level of time with each other as we discussed last night. You will have the flexibility to take them 50% of the time if you want… 40% of the time… 25% of the time… I will be happy to work together on that and make arrangements to accommodate you whenever possible.

Please do keep in mind that I am limited with what I can do with work, but so far they have been very accommodating to our situation.

– Support: To be discussed. So, if the above is something you feel you would be comfortable with, we could avoid any court for the foreseeable future. Let’s discuss and see if we can agree. If we can’t, no problem… we’ll just have to abide by whatever the court ultimately decides.

~LM

I took a shot. Keep in mind, I have no experience in a divorce of this significance and I was destined for frustration at every turn. Discussing matters one-on-one was intended to save both time and money. Reality is – it probably contributed to more wasted time and money than “just letting the lawyers handle it.”

LM,

I’m sorry but that just isn’t going to work for me. Tomorrow [my attorney’s] office will be requesting a hearing for equitable distribution.

LM, I need to buy a home and be able to provide the same things that you will provide for the kids. There’s no reason why you should have primary custody. I don’t “need” you to have them 70% of the time….you haven’t had them even 60% of the time. I’m not getting why you would even suggest that to me. I want to be with my children a minimum of 50% of the time. I really think that you are being unreasonable trying to keep a $300,000 home, while I live in an apartment. We should both be living in a $150,000 home….in the community that is best for our kids. Why is this so hard for you to grasp? Also, I have NO money this week…..I just got paid and I had to pay my rent. Please don’t make me have to borrow money from my parents.

~PEW

Yes, applying grade-school math to a very complex problem. She inflates the appraised value of the home by nearly $50,000 for dramatic effect. Then, given where we live – suggests that the end-result should be $150,000 homes (which is tantamount to a shed in the area that we lived at the time) for each of us. She loved making everything equal… equal work… equal fault… equal responsibility… everything equal… except when it favored her. Funny how that works. You do nothing to improve yourself in life, so take it from someone else. That’s “equality.” Her taking from someone else. Not an uncommon practice in the world of divorce and family court.

I did have more than 60% custodial time with the children in May and was slated to be the way things were for the foreseeable future given her “unchangeable” work schedule. So much for the best laid plans. It was as if her distraught phone call of the other night never happened and this offer of mine just came out of nowhere.

I wasted my time and my attorney’s time getting this all put together. Oh, and of course, she “has no money” (no surprise there) and it’s up to me to pay her way right out of the gate.

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