Get Over It? Not Until She Decides It’s Time – 1/18/2001

Here it is, the latter half of January, and the obsession about how I failed her for yet another Christmas holiday continues on. As usual, I try to calm the situation, but quickly get frustrated and descend into patronizing replies which, obviously, do just the opposite.

Though there is a lot to despise about PEW’s behavior, one of the top items was her choice to be mad for an inordinate amount of time. Sometimes, the period was predefined. She would literally tell me the day or date when she would decide to no longer be mad. That burned me up because much like everything else, I didn’t understand the behavior. She does this to the children even today – and I can see how it has messed them up during certain incidents. How cold does one have to be when, in the face of a crying child who is apologizing for some transgression (real or imagined), you could look him in the face when he asks, “I’m really sorry mom, am I forgiven?” and the reply is, “No, you’re not forgiven because I’m not ready yet!” Sick.

This was the year that, in an effort to ensure my sanity during the holidays, we made Christmas lists. I made sure I got her exactly everything on the list. Exactly. How exciting. I couldn’t do anything wrong if I got exactly everything on her list. Of course, I also couldn’t resist making a mistake. This year, it was getting her gift certificates for massages on top of exactly everything on her list. How dare I! Below is the continuation of an argument that undoubtedly started before I left for work.

PEW: and Thank you for making me feel guilty because I don’t want someone other than a medical proffessional massaging my fat body. Thanks
LM: I’m not making you feel guilty. I said keep the two and get your pregnancy massage.
PEW: I don’t want them
LM: Okay.
PEW: you use them
LM: I’ll take them back. Get what you want. That’s all. I just didn’t quite appreciate you launching into the “don’t ever get me any gifts ever” routine after I said, “keep them, and get your pregnancy massage or facial, too.” I didn’t think that telling you to keep them and get the pregnancy thing warranted that response. It made me feel bad.
——
You can’t say I didn’t try to diffuse the situation. The problem is, there I go again with the logic and reason. I always made that mistake, but by this time, you probably already realized that.
—–
PEW: we are broke. well I don’t want you to buy me gifts anymore because you don’t listen
LM: If I sell one of my collectibles for $200 – that means you can get a $60 massage. I bought you everything that you asked for. The massages I thought would be a nice extra and now you are being mean about it. I apologize for adding massages to the list. I don’t want to argue about it. I will take them back, and you can get what it is that you want. I just didn’t need to be made to feel bad about getting you those massages, which is what you did.
PEW: well when we’re broke, every penny counts right. so why would you buy me something that I wont’ be able to use for six months?
LM: Enough PEW. I was thinking about you needing a break from being home with two children. It’s called “foresight.” It’s called “being spontaneous.” When I saw the card in your OBs office, I thought it would be a nice gesture. My mistake.
—–
It doesn’t take long for me to be knocked off track. I mean, how can one argue with the logic that if I sell things I’ve collected over the years in order to make everyone else’s Christmas happy – I’m just inconsiderate and selfish? Clearly, I need help.
—–
PEW: well I’d rather choose my own gifts in the future, you are generous to a fault and usually I wind up resenting it because then I think about all the other things I could have done with the money
—–
Beautiful. Argument 1 – “We’re broke.” Argument 2 – “You’re generous to a fault.” Argument 3 – “I think about all the other things *I* could have done with the money.” Oh, but it gets more bizarre.
—–
LM: 2 $30 massages is not “generous to a fault.”
PEW: I want you to have the things that you want like Hockey games and equipment. yes it is when you are in our predicament
LM: Okay. I’ve had enough of this discussion. You’re right and I’m wrong. Does that make you feel better now?
PEW: No it doesn’t, I’m miserable, I’m depressed, I’m tired of trying to pretend like I’m happy. so sorry if your feelings are hurt, but too bad
—–
There she goes, satisfied that need to beat me into the dirt. We’re not talking a simple knock-down. It’s knock-down, knock-out, continue to kick me in the ribs while unconscious, spit on me, and then kick dirt on me. (Metaphorically speaking.) “Too bad.” That’s what sticks out to me there.
—–
LM: I know… you can’t help yourself but to be mean. I appreciate it. I really do.
PEW: your the one that is mean
LM: I know. I was mean because I wanted to get you massages. I was mean when I spent $60 after selling $1,000 worth of my collectibles. I understand how that all makes sense. I apologize for being so awful and getting those massages. I don’t know what came over me.
PEW: that makes sense when we’re in all this debt and a baby on the way….yeah buy me something I will never use
LM: You’re right.
PEW: do you know how upset a woman’s body image is after having a baby
LM: How could I have been so offensive and inconsiderate.
PEW: why would I want a perfect stranger to see me practically naked
LM: The rudeness of it all. You’re right.
—–
Now my reaction has clearly changed. I’m confident I didn’t think that this attitude would help the situation.
—–
PEW: I told you I’d like to have a facial, a massage at the hospital, my nails done….
LM: Forgive me if I don’t remember “massage at the hospital.”
PEW: I asked you months ago if I could get one there
LM: Okay. If you say so. Look, I’ve already taken responsibility for being so horribly inconsiderate in my spontanaiety in picking up those massages. Is it necessary to continue to beat me down? I’ve apologized. I’ve said it is all my fault. I’ve said I’ll take them back. Is there something else?
PEW: LM let’s not act like we’re all normal and stuff ok
LM: I know we’re not “normal,” I’d like to think that we are taking it one-day-at-a-time.
PEW: I’m depressed, i’ve lost my vision of the future….
LM: That’s all.
PEW: that’s pretty depressing
LM: I understand that.
PEW: well don’t try to make me feel guilty because I want something for myself
LM: Somehow, I don’t think that picking on me is going to help the situation.
PEW: I’m alot nicer to you than you deserve
—–
The scary thing is – she really believes that she is/was a lot nicer than I deserved. She still does.
—–
LM: I didn’t make you feel guilty.
PEW: i’m not picking on you
LM: Stop saying that.
PEW: well don’t say I’m picking on you, you’re not a child
LM: I was upset that you decided to make me feel like a jerk for picking up those massages. that is what happened. I simply said “keep them and get the massage or facial that you want now.” Then you started picking on me about getting them in the first place.
PEW: you’re not a jerk for picking up the massages, but you could have said “would you rather have a massage, facial, or manicure”? $60 is ALOT of money to me
LM: Exactly how is that different from “keep them and get what you want now?”
PEW: because I’m not spending a dime on myself until our finances get better. not a dime
LM: That still doesn’t explain how that is different from “what would you rather have?” I will sell one of my collectibles to pay for whatever you want now.
PEW: what collectibles?
LM: Otherwise, I won’t sell them and we will be no different than when this conversation started. The ghosts. I want you to have a facial, a manicure, and a massage for all the work that pregnancy is. So, instead of me keeping those dolls, I’ll sell them just for that purpose and be very, very happy and proud to have done it.
PEW: please….I just want my life back, I want to have a little bit of happiness for a change
LM: I know. Make a day of it or something?
PEW: No
—–
Of course not! Why do that when I can choose to be miserable and make your life a horror?
—–
LM: Get the whole trio. I don’t get it. What is it that is the problem here? I can take back the 2 massages.
PEW: well the problem is that you won’t be able to take them back
LM: We can use Ebay money without missing a payment beat so that you can get what you want. What is the problem? Even if I can’t – it doesn’t mean you can’t get them.
PEW: yes it does, because we cannot afford it. we cannot afford it. I just want gifts that I want in the future
—–
We can’t afford it, but she wants to spend it. If I spend it – on her – it’s rude and inconsiderate. However, she can spend it and none of her logic used on me comes into play.
—–
LM: As I said… I gave you everything that was on your wish list. The massages were extra.
PEW: maybe someday when we have money if that day ever comes you can waste money on things that you want to give me
LM: And I find it very ungrateful of you that you would vilify me for getting them for you. It just isn’t nice. Stop it. We won’t miss a bill for that $60.
PEW: well being miserable isn’t really conducive with being nice…..sorry
LM: We won’t miss a bill if you get a facial, a manicure, and/or a massage at the hospital. Being miserable isn’t an excuse for bashing me for doing something I thought was nice… sorry.
PEW: I’m sorry that i’m so miserable that I can’t be happy that I got 2 gifts for christmas that I will never want to use
LM: I didn’t ask you to be happy. I asked you not to be mean. There is a difference.
PEW: You know, for the past year and half, I’ve been trying to figure out what the rest of my life is going to be like, finally I was seeing a little light at the end of the tunnel, then this shit happened, now all I keep seeing is the pathetic lives of my mother or your mother….i’d like to be happy sometime in my life and I’d like to find it in more places than just playing with my children
PEW: you should try being pregnant and in my situation
LM: Unfortunately, I can’t.
PEW: it’s no fun I’ll tell you that
LM: I could sit around and be miserable about our predicament, or take a step back and realize the value of what I have, and work to improve it.
PEW: well unfortunately I can’t escape it, i’m here with S1 for 50 hours a week, then I’m here with you and S1 for the balance of that time….. i have not choice but to think about it. Especially when the days go by so slowly in the winter. and they go by even slower when your pregnant and broke
LM: We eat like king and queen and prince. We have better clothes than most people who are really “broke.” We aren’t BROKE, we have debt that is swallowing up our income. So there is little “extra” laying around.
PEW: well I don’t mean broke….I mean no money to kill time with
LM: You need to stop making the situation sound so grave, when it simply isn’t.
PEW: it is for me
LM: What would you do if you “had money?”
PEW: I don’t know
LM: I mean… once the debt is gone, we have to start organizing in such a way that money is put away for educations and stuff like that. How can you not know?
PEW: i wouldn’t spend as much time at home
LM: What would you do? You complain about it as if you knew that “if you had money, you would be doing ‘X’ instead.” What do you friends with children do?
PEW: some go to the gym while their kids are in school…. it’s not the lack of money ok. it’s just being unhappy and not being able to see a light at the end of the tunnel
—–
She would just make up things on the fly. The rare times I did manage to get her focused on what she was saying or doing, I would get the result I was expecting – she had no idea what she was saying or why. That’s a clear example. Almost anytime I gave her a reality check – the truth would cross her up. You could see it in her eyes and yet there was never any acknowledgement and worse – nothing I could do about it. It changed nothing.
—–
LM: Okay. I can comprehend that.
PEW: we can start putting away for educations when I go back to work, if we are still together, if we are not still together, our children will have to do it the hard way like we did
LM: Wonderful.
PEW: I still have to finish school too
LM: We can start putting money away when we make a reasonable budget and allocate money accordingly. True.
PEW: right. we’ll see what happens, I can’t comprehend S1’s college when I don’t even know what’s going to happen in 2 months. I have no security in this life. none
LM: Okay.
—–
We wish you a Marry Christmas, we wish you a Merry Christmas, we wish you a Merry Christmas… but our wish won’t come true!

 Subscribe in a reader

A Postlude to Another Miserable Christmas – 1/11/2001

The Christmas of 2000 was one of many that were very unhappy. Compounding matters was just after New Year’s Day 2001, we had engaged in another blow-out which resulted in a physical exchange. I ended up with bloody claw-marks across the left side of my face and neck and the family room being ransacked… by PEW… 5-months pregnant.

As usual, I can’t quite recall what it was we were even arguing about. We had these regularly scheduled blowouts so often that you just can’t always remember the specifics. They all seem to run together through history and I can’t recall too many that were about anything earth shattering. I’m sure this one was no exception.

While yelling at one another things escalated. PEW was 5-months pregnant with S2. She was holding S1, then 2-1/2 years old, in her right arm and we were standing close to one another. Without warning, she slashed at me like a rabid cougar with her right paw, catching me on the side of the face as I tried to rear back, turning my head. In one motion, I came back around and, with my right hand, I grabbed her firmly and angrily told her, “You had better get control of yourself RIGHT NOW!” Immediately realizing that I could have quite easily escalated to a point-of-no-return, I released her, backed away, and immediately apologized for grabbing her (with blood trickling down my face and neck).

With that, she calmly handed me S1, who I took in my arms. He was crying. What happened next was almost surreal. She walked into the family room and completely ransacked it while I stood there and watched. As she flipped every table, threw every lamp and table-top item there was, I kept repeating, “Will you please knock it off! You’re 5-months pregnant and I’m afraid something bad is going to happen!” She didn’t. She wouldn’t. So, I removed myself and S1 to the living room until she was done.

That’s what happened. We slept in separate rooms that night, though, I recall I didn’t actually sleep that much. The next day, while I was at work, she had packed some things and went to her parents with S1 “for a few days.” I cleaned up the family room the next night.

A few days later, the expected IMversation would commence. Even as I re-read this now, it makes me slightly ill – not just her usual blatant projection and her uncanny ability to completely re-write the way an event occurred, but my apologizing for my lack of self-control in grabbing her by the arm after being assaulted. This is how far one can descend when plunged into the deep hole that a BPD drags you into. I can’t think of why I did that. My guess is years of “training” at the hands of PEW and the disordered behavior. Maybe a desire to try to de-escalate the situation, a futile effort, but one I would repeatedly attempt without success. Even still, you’ll notice she is right back on the offensive. She just never stops.

PEW: i need to ask you something
LM: Hi. Okay.
PEW: i don’t know what to do
LM: Okay. Look, I made a error in judgment the other night. I can only apologize and hope you can forgive me.
PEW: is there something going on in your life that I should know about
LM: Nope. Things are fine at work. I got good grades last semester (Both classes). Work is looking up as my “bonus-projects” are nearing completion. My wife and kids are healthy… and I am excited about our new baby coming.
PEW: It’s not that I can’t forgive you, but things like this have happened before….not for a long time but it’s a serious problem
LM: I’m sorry. I just can’t take the words. I just have to discipline myself to leave the house when it starts. Since you can’t promise not to do it. I just have to. First curse – I have to go take a timeout. That’s all I can do. I love you, I really, really do.
PEW: well we’ve been together for six years and we can’t seem to get it right. i know you do and I love you
LM: Discipline. It’s all about discipline. I’ll just go in the future. Avoid arguments. It’s that simple.
PEW: but I want this to be over and it won’t ever be
LM: I don’t think it is the correct method.
PEW: I think you need help
LM: But we can’t discuss difficult topics without the insult and curse barrage. And I have to avoid it. I agree. I need help in dealing with how to control myself when you can’t control yourself.
PEW: you blame me
LM: You may not like it put in that premise… but I obviously have a problem with self control when the insults start flying.
PEW: your temper is much worse than mine
LM: I just do. Enough about my temper.
PEW: I would never ever initiate physical contact with you during an arguement
LM: You just can’t see how your words set me off. You just did!

—–
Here is where she starts the fiction. After what transpired, she claims to “never” intiate physical contact. This wasn’t the first time. It also wouldn’t be the last time.
—–

PEW: well I think I’m leaving. they are excuses
LM: It’s not excuses… it is an obvious problem.
PEW: you don’t think this situation is directly related to your upbringing
LM: I can’t control myself when insulted. You wanted to ask a question.
PEW: i think i’m going to have to leave….I’ve thought about it and thought about
LM: You psychoanalyzing me will only result in more disagreement.
PEW: i can’t stay or you can’t stay….one of us is going to have to leave and since you don’t admit that you need proffessional help, I’m going to have to do something. this will happen again and again and again
LM: Excuse me… would you kindly scroll up and see the part where I said, “I have a problem.”
PEW: my leaving last time didn’t obviously impact you enough to prevent this
LM: I’ll wait. At what point do you admit that you have a self-control problem?
PEW: yes…you said your problem is that you can’t control yourself when I can’t control myself
LM: At what point do you take responsibility for the hurtful things that you say? You act as if your words should have no impact on me.

—–
This is more of the same failures on her part to ever accept any responsibility for her behavior. It’s always about me, my fault, my behaviors. She is responsible for none of it. However, it’s worse than that. When she does acknowledge doing “something,” it doesn’t matter what she does, her expectation from me is to not react as I do.
—–

PEW: well, when you are saying to me…..” I asked you a question, ANSWER THE QUESTION PEW”…. ANSWER THE QUESTION PEW…. ANSWER THE QUESTION PEW….
LM: I didn’t yell that.
PEW: the first thing that comes to my mind is that you are an asshole
LM: In fact, I believe I turned and calmly asked the lamp the question that you weren’t answering.
PEW: and I say it because you act like one
LM: You are rehashing the argument… and it serves no purpose. My disagreeing with what is “comfortable” or “not uncomfortable” does not warrant insults. That is what happened.
PEW: well LM, it’s not illegal for me to call you a name
LM: PEW… this isn’t about what is “legal” or not.
PEW: but it is illegal for you to touch me in a violent way. and if you do the drill seargent thing… i think that you are getting violent
LM: This isn’t a Q&A it is another one of your inquisitions. Can I be left alone now, since you are repeating the cycle again?
PEW: well I just want to know where we go from here?
LM: I don’t know. I’m sorry.
PEW: because this isn’t going away?
LM: But I will not sit here and have you lump the blame on me. You got violent. You got insulting.
PEW: so I take it that you are not leaving? no you got violent?
LM: And I simply will not sit by and tolerate your revisionist history. I have nowhere to go. I am not leaving.
PEW: my father does not have a history of physical violence…yours does
LM: Sorry. Please, my father has nothing to do with this.
PEW: so I’m not the one who initiates violence. i don’t
LM: Your father has a history of verbal abuse and perpetuating mental anguish on his spouse and children. There is no excuse for me grabbing you.
PEW: well if you called me a “fat bitch” or a slut or anything, I’d take that over what happened the other night
LM: That does not mean that you are without blame for how things transpired. I understand that. That is why I said that in the future… as soon as you curse me… I will leave.
PEW: no you won’t
LM: I need to discipline myself to do that.
PEW: you won’t. you need to see a proffessional

—–
This appears to be another characteristic of the borderline. At least, it’s the experience of those I know via support groups and forums. A common theme is their insistence that you (the non-borderline) need professional help, a psychiatrist, anger-management classes, or similar. PEW is no different in that regard.
—–

LM: But again… I see you making no promises on the steps that you will take to prevent an escalation of things.
PEW: i don’t scare you?
LM: Yes, you do.
PEW: or intimidate you? please
LM: Yes, you do. I don’t care if you don’t believe it.
PEW: you’re the one with the guns
LM: But you when go into your routine… it scares me, and I lash out. Oh please.
PEW: you’re the only one who’s threatened to kill yourself and burn down the house
LM: I did not threaten to kill myself.

—–
Strong projection. Here is a person who has repeatedly talked of suicide throughout her life (I would come to find out) who projects that onto another. I assure you I have never threatened to kill myself. Also, it’s not just the suicide threats – it’s the not taking responsibility for creating this chaos. It’s the delusion that she “never initiates” physical contact, when in reality – she always did.
—–

PEW: that’s not emotional abuse? you did too
LM: I wish you would stop saying that. Okay. Enough.
PEW: i’ll leave then
LM: Obviously, you haven’t had enough of arguing, and can’t discuss things rationally.
PEW: have you heard from my Dad
LM: So, if you have nothing meaningful to offer except more blanket accusations and justification for your verbal abuse, can we end the conversation?
PEW: have you heard from my Dad?
LM: Why should I be hearing from your Dad?
PEW: well he is upset
LM: That sounds reasonable.
PEW: you don’t just choke a woman that is 6 months pregnant and expect people to love you for it
LM: What purpose would his involvement help? I did not choke you.
PEW: it wouldn’t and I told my mom I didn’t want him to call
LM: I am so sorry you told them I “choked” or “strangled” you. That’s a shame.
PEW: you did
LM: Sure. Strangled with no marks, while I sit here with claw marks across my neck. Interesting.
PEW: please LM….you are kidding yourself…I’m wondering what you would have done if I wasn’t pregnant

—–
There I go again! Trying to explain reality to someone who has a compulsion to break from reality. It’s as if she has an ability to not only block out what she did, but actually recreate a new account of what actually occurred.
—–

LM: You are so grossly dramatic.
PEW: that’s why if there is something else going on with you…you should tell me
LM: How did you explain a “strangulation” with no hand prints?
PEW: grossly dramatic?
LM: Yes.
PEW: i didn’t say you strangled me
LM: “Choking” and “strangulation” are overly dramatic.
PEW: you choked me
LM: You said I “strangled” you last night. You say I “choked” you today. Yet, you have no marks.
PEW: there was also a bump on the back of my head
LM: A bump? From what? ME?!?!? You must be joking?
PEW: this is no joke. our son was there
LM: And what, pray tell, did I do to cause this bump on your head?
PEW: that didn’t even stop you
LM: It didn’t stop you, either.
PEW: well I’ll leave and when you are rehabilited, I’ll come back
LM: Amazing that you can sit in an accusatory position, and fail to acknowledge unleashing a verbal assault on me in front of oru child.
LM: Throw stuff all over the room. Physically assualt me.
PEW: because you pulled the drill seargent thing on him
LM: And you can sit there and act like you are right now.
PEW: i did not physically assault you
LM: Sure.
PEW: i grabbed your neck after you grabbed mine
LM: These scratches on my neck appeared out of thin air?
LM: No, when I yelled at you, you swung at me.
LM: Then I grabbed you.
PEW: you pulled away after I grabbed your neck. bull shit. liar
LM: Okay. So… we disagree as usual. I’m sorry for that.
PEW: after you get proffessional help, I’ll come home
LM: Did you physically assault me?
PEW: proffessional help. no i did not

—–
This is what drives people insane with a borderline. In the same “breath” (so-to-speak), she acknowledges “grabbing” my neck while a few replies later says she didn’t physically assault me.
—–

LM: You didn’t scratch up my neck?
PEW: i was defended myself while i was holding our son
LM: Did you verbally assault me, and again, repeatedly insult me and my family in front of our child?
PEW: when you grabbed my neck, I reached out for yours…that’s when you pulled back….hence the scratches. no i didn’t insult your family
LM: That is physical assault, PEW. Yes you did.
PEW: I called you an asshole and a jerk and a dick
LM: When I brought it up to you last night… You said that they were all assholes… again.
PEW: well for the most part….they are. that’s the truth. Sorry.
LM: Okay… enough.
PEW: you know it
LM: You can’t stop yourself. You have nerve telling me that I need help.
PEW: well I’m very upset that once again, me and my child have to be uprooted because you are not man enough to NOT STRIKE OUT IN ANGER

—–
More projection. She admonishes me for allegedly “striking out in anger” – when in reality and by her own admission during this exchange (and subsequent denials) having done just that. This is what makes the non-borderline’s head spin in honest confusion. You truly begin to question your own sanity, sometimes to the point of questioning whether or not things happened as you recall them.
—–

PEW: don’t come home here at lunch
LM: You can’t control yourself either.
PEW: i’m packing and getting ready to leave
LM: Just because you do it verbally doesn’t make it right… and last night you did it physically, too.
PEW: I was defending myself. I never strike out at people in anger…unless then strike me first. i may throw a book or tip over a table, but hitting other people is not my thing
LM: Call it what you will… my grabbing you and saying “You better get control of yourself” and then letting go is not “choking” it isn’t “strangulation” is wasn’t even “scratching.”
PEW: that’s not the way I was brought up
LM: Well, you did so last night… and you did it before, too.
PEW: bullshit. Liar. you are a liar LM
LM: I know… the truth is tough to acknowledge. You never kicked me in the chest for “yelling.” Right? You who never lashes out? You didn’t scratch my neck for “yelling?” Right? I did everything first is your claim, as always.
PEW: i pushed you away with my foot once when you were screaming in my face after you pushed me onto the bathroom floor. then I kicked you
LM: Excuse me?
PEW: and you punched me in the leg. that was the day before we got married
LM: You kicked me so hard in the chest that my left side turned GREEN. Whew. You are amazing with your revisionist history. Absolutely amazing. Well, this served no useful purpose. Sorry.

—–
Another situation that happened years before during an argument is what she is describing here. She was laying on the sofa. I was standing down one end, where her feet were and we were engaged in another yelling match. Without warning, she reared up and karate-kicked me square in the chest. As it was happening, I swung my arm to attempt to deflect the blow, but I was too late. I fell back into the entertainment unit. Not long after that, my entire left pectoral muscle on down into my rib cage turned green, yellow, and purple from bruising.
—–

PEW: then there was the time you punched me in the arm and the chest because you were screaming in my face and I pushed you away
LM: Please, PEW, please stop making stuff up.
PEW: that was the time I said I wasn’t going to do the mortgage thing because this house would never feel like mine
LM: I hit you in the leg defensively when you karate kicked me in the chest.
PEW: ahhhh the happy memories we have. bull shit
LM: Yes.
PEW: you are a woman beater….just like your father. you just have a little more control
LM: I know you that you won’t acknowledge it, but you were laying on the couch, and I was yelling in response to yet another patented verbal assault by you, and you mulekicked me right in the chest.
PEW: excuses, excuses
LM: And I hit you in the leg.
PEW: and if I stay with you….our sons will be abusers too. please LM
LM: You are harassing me in work again. Like I asked you not to.
PEW: no…it’s the only safe way I can talk to you
LM: Next will likely come the harassing phone calls… like I asked you not to.
PEW: otherwise you would be screaming in my face
LM: You mean, it is the safe way to continue to perpetrate your vicious mouth, isn’t that it?
PEW: if I don’t talk to you on line or by phone we’d be doing the whole scenario all over again. please??!!!
LM: No we wouldn’t.
PEW: we would. you can’t have a normal relationship
LM: Please nothing… go re-read the venom you’ve spewed in this very discussion. Yes I can. I just didn’t think I was marrying a verbal abuser.
PEW: let me ask you this…. Did you have problems like this with your first wife?
LM: One who could continually be so mean and insulting and never stop doing it.
PEW: did you ever put your hands on her? I think you did. I think I might call her
LM: Enough.
PEW: i need to know if it’s me or you
LM: Sorry that you continue to rage out of control. Bye.

—–
More of the same dance.

The Christmas of 2000 was a particularly miserable experience despite my always mistaken belief that I had done everything “right.” The next few exchanges to be posted will detail the diametrically opposed view of this particular holiday.

 Subscribe in a reader

A Prelude to Another Miserable Christmas – 12/3/2000

PEW’s penchant for destroying special events was methodical and predictable. While The Psycho Ex-Wife had no qualms about destroying a special event on or about the day of the event, it wasn’t unusual for their to be a build-up to the destruction of the day. This, was one of many such occasions.

This is one of the few documented episodes where she would get delusional. If I wasn’t allegedly somewhere other than where I was… it was something that occurred as a “sign from God” that I should give her the divorce she so desired… I was doing something that I wasn’t actually doing… and so on.

She had been off of the Serzone for a good 6-months now and she was back to her usual, terroristic self since mid-summer. The following was one of the countless “ambushes via instant messenger while at work” episodes.

PEW: hey
LM: HI!
PEW: he just fell asleep
LM: lol
PEW: I took him back in like 5 minutes after you left. Who was that you called right b4 you left??
LM: ? I didn’t call anyone.
PEW: you were on the phone when I walked back out with S1
LM: I was? No I wasn’t.
PEW: yes you were talking to someone
LM: I was talking to you. You walked into the kitchen, I was standing there, looking at you and S1 walk into the kitchen right as I was leaving.
PEW: no you were hanging up the phone…..but b4 we walked out you were talking. Forget it
LM: Either I’ve lost my mind… or you’ve lost yours. I don’t remember picking up the phone for any reason before I left.
PEW: well you’ve lost yours because you were
LM: Hang on… lemme retrace… You came into the bedroom… I walked out and returned with my shoes… I put my shoes on… I walked out and got my jacket… I returned… and gave each of you a kiss…
PEW: so far so good
LM: …I walked back out into the back room, and put my tape back into the VCR and turned it off so that I could tape the X-files…
PEW: ok
LM: …As I was prepared to walk out the door, I hear the “diaper” sound and his pitter-patter as you both came walking back into the kitchen… I stopped at the door and we started to chat about him coming out for a snack. I never touched the phone.
PEW: you did
LM: THEN HIT REDIAL… I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE HELL YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT!
PEW: No. As god is my witness you were talking to someone
LM: Did you hear me telling the dog to get his ass in the cage? Don’t start this with me PEW. I was not on the frigging phone when you walked out. The only time I was on the phone all NIGHT was when your mother called right before you left for Kmart.
PEW: i don’t care ok…….i was just asking who you were on the phone with
LM: PEW, don’t say that I was on the phone again, okay? Just don’t. If you and your imagination believe I was on the phone, pick up the frigging phone, and hit the redial button. You’ll probably get the frigging Netzero server, because that is the only phone call that I have made ALL DAY. ALL DAY.
PEW: why are you so defensive
LM: Because I’ve said that I wasn’t on the phone with anybody, and at least three times you’ve said I was. Now… I am under enough stress and pressure in my frigging life, without you conjuring up thoughts of me lying to you about being on the God-damned phone with some “mystery” person. That’s why.
PEW: you maybe forgot a phone call, but i’m not crazy the phone was in your hand and you were talking….maybe you picked up the phone to see if anyone called, then talked to the dog
LM: And now, instead of doing my Goddamned work, I am on the frigging IM with you, trying to convince you that I wasn’t on the Goddamned phone. I DID NOT EVEN PICK UP THE GOD DAMNED PHONE. I wasn’t even within arms reach of the phone when you walked into the kitchen. How can you possibly recall seeing me on the phone, when as you turned into the kitchen, and I was looking at you two, you said, “what? he didn’t have a snack…” and so on?
PEW: ok sorry….I asked a question….if you weren’t so sneaky half the time I wouldn’t even wonder
LM: Omg. Where in God’s name is this coming from? Now I’m “sneaky.” Thanks. No shit. Thanks a lot.
PEW: sorry, i’m going sorry to bother…..sorry I asked a question…..sorry I said your sneaky….goodbye
LM: No you’re not.
PEW: yes I am
LM: You didn’t simply “ask a question.” You asked a question for which you thought you already had an answer, which was wrong, under the guise of “suspecting” I was being “sneaky” about something. So, please, don’t try to sell me any BS story, okay? Thanks for nothing and thanks for getting me sidetracked and miserable. I truly appreciate it.
PEW: I did not think I knew the answer. My intention was not to get you upset
LM: If you didn’t, then why did you say, “Yes you were?” You know what, I don’t want to know. I just want to be left alone so I can finish my frigging work.
PEW: I said I was sorry you can accept it or be a jerk
LM: I’m really sorry for doing nothing.
PEW: good bye I siad
LM: That’s a first. Goodbye.

There. I am officially insane.

She could have picked up the phone and hit redial. If I was on the phone right before I left the house, all she had to do was hit redial to discover who I had allegedly called. Granted, if someone had called me, the phone would have rang. While it didn’t, in the event I had secretly turned the ringer off in all the phones in the house to allow a mystery call to come through – she could have dialed *69 and dialed the last number which called into the home.

She did neither. Rather than recognize the absurdity of it all and just block her from contacting me via IM so I didn’t have to endure the abuse – I just got wound up, defensive, and, as usual, tried to use logic on someone who, by this time, I really began to think was totally nuts.

The truth is, I didn’t block her because I was saving all documentation, having even told her that was what I was doing and would continue to do. It didn’t stop her at all.

Always remember as you read these earliest items – I didn’t suspect bipolar disorder until about 2002. I hadn’t discovered borderline personality disorder until almost summer of 2005… for all the years prior to that, I simply floundered away trying to make it through all of the chaos repeatedly hoping (and failing) that reason and logic would make her realize how she was behaving.

It’s 2008 and she still hasn’t realized her problems. No one who has the power to make a difference has, either.

 Subscribe in a reader

The Only Thing I Love About You Is The 50% Genetic Material You Contributed To Our Son. I Hate You! – 2/28/2000

Has no man alive ever felt that kind of tender love and sentiment that I have experienced in my lifetime? *SWOON*

Today’s episode comes after another ‘special event or day’ is destroyed by the borderline personality disordered spouse. Valentine’s Day of 2000. The BPD often will sabotage special days or times because they believe themselves unworthy of such attention. Sometimes it happens on the day in question, which often happened on Christmas, or it would be done just before the day in question, destroying any plans you may have made to make her feel good. Every single year. Every single time. Another example of how not to appropriately handle hostile emails.

My notes on this one read: She called me on voice mail at work and told me that she was calling a realtor, we were selling the house and going our spearate ways. When I use the term “ambush” – I mean it. The call and its contents were totally unexpected. Again, she is attacking, insulting, and cursing me. This is one of the earliest times I bring up her dramatic mood swings. As I re-read this stuff, I often wonder what I would have seen had I been a fly on the wall in the home just before the call or instant message comes. I picture an agitated lion, pacing around a cage, waiting to spring an attack on someone…

PEW: Just so you know….
LM: The answer is no to all of the demands that you voice mailed to me.
PEW: I never had any emotional problems until I hooked up with you. none of my former
lovers/boyfriends/husband ever layed a finger on me… screamed in my face…
LM: Your mood swings are scaring me, but until we get things worked out, one way or the other… we ain’t making any stupid financial moves, so save your phone call with the realtor, they won’t be permitted to do anything without me. Save your weekly tirade, PEW, you are wasting keystrokes.
PEW: you are such an asshole LM
LM: The fact remains, that you are only seeing what you want to see, and you are not seeing reality, not even a little bit. It is clear in what you say. It is clear in your actions.
PEW: i hate you so much we are not going to work things out because there is no way to turn this around
LM: There is no way because you have failed to give it a chance.
PEW: i hate spending time with you as much as you hate spending time with me
LM: You have failed to open your mind to accepting certain things… like I am not infallible.
PEW: the only thing I love about you is the 50% genetic material you contributed to to our son. i hate you
LM: Stop it, PEW.

(Sick. Sick and twisted, there is simply no other way to describe it. It’s a torrent of hatred and insult that cannot be stifled. It usually drives right to the core of a human being. It is designed to injure your heart and your soul. This is the person responsible for the children 50% of the time. Prior to this past fall, it was closer to 65%.)

PEW: why…it aint ever gettin better for us ever. you think I’m unstable and that’s why this is happening
LM: Because for things to get better, you cannot continue to dig a deeper hole with insults, accusations, and all of the rest of the unnecessary things that you bring to the table. PEW, I know that this is difficult to accept, but I do not know what else to think. I do not say it to be mean, but here you are, out of the blue, calling me at work to FIGHT.
PEW: OUT OF THE BLUE
LM: You make up wild and twisted shit about assumed motivations behind inquiring as to whether or not a cord unplugs… which I may very well have tripped over (to start) carrying it home in the dark. Out of the blue at work, yes. Nothing occurred today, yesterday, the week before, that warrants you calling me in work to fight. You tell me that you don’t want my involvement on the baby’s room, and then bust my hump for being reluctant… to go to IKEA to look for things for the baby’s room.

(My neighbor had offered us a play-desk with lighted desktop. It couldn’t come apart so I had to hoof it across the street in one piece and I asked my neighbor and dear friend if the adapter plug came out so I wouldn’t trip over it. When we got home, PEW had another meltdown about why I asked her if the cord unplugged, assuming I was “dissing” a free gift when I really was simply looking out for my own safety.)

PEW: except that I am angry at the fact that for the umpteenth weekend in a row you havent initiated any plans for us to do ANYTHING ROMANTIC so while it may seem out of the blue…

(When confronted with reality – go on a tangent…)

LM: Last week, you told me I don’t do enough around the house, and then admonished me NOT to do the laundry anymore.
PEW: i TOLD YOU TO TAKE CARE OF THE BABY
LM: This week, I have clearly added to what little I allegedly do, all of the things about which you complained, and you said that I have “done nothing differently.”
PEW: NOT LAUNDRY i spend 24/7 taking care of the baby…i’d like to do something without him up my ass
LM: You have, in the past, complained that I spend “no time playing with the baby” and then, after I pounded home that I do, with specific references, changed to “okay, well, not enough time.”
PEW: shut up

(Here her wires are getting crossed and in the face of reality – she can only muster a “shut up” before regrouping and unloading the next barrage of bullshit.)

LM: You say something like the above, when I have repeatedly told you to find something to do with people, friends, what-have-you. I know that you need “self-time” and you fail to take it time and time again, but bust my hump when you don’t.

You say that I never, ever, ever initiate things like dinner, when I have, and do, though admittedly, not as frequently as YOU would like. You often want me to do things a particular way, without communicating it to me, and then, when not done the way that you didn’t communicate, get mad at me because I didn’t have the clairvoyance to predict how you wanted it done.

You always remember the one time I had something critical to say about something – not even directed AT YOU or YOUR WORK, (for instance, the dining room) without either acknowledging or remembering the overwhelming number of positives and praise that I gave you on said room.

I am CONSTANTLY trying to be genuinely lovingly physical with you, a pet here, a hug there, a head-rub over there, a gentle kiss and some reassurance, but to you “I never do it” or “I don’t do it enough” despite it being several times daily.

I am admonished for not rescheduling dinner, despite being hesitant and waiting until things kind of got on an even keel. I thought that ONE WEEK after the fact, might have been a tad too soon.

I have acknowledged not being proactive enough on the snoring thing, with my deepest apologies for the poor nature with which I have handled the situation, am taking the steps now to correct it, but you still keep bringing it up.

(Here I am, 5-years into this disaster being defensive and thinking that reason, logic, and fact would sway her or stop her. It never did. It never does. It never will.)

PEW: yeah because I slept on the couch last night. look…i’m sorry about all of this…. i never should have married you in the first place….
LM: I know.
PEW: I should have known that first time we argued when I was living with Dxxxx and you were screaming and banging on the countertop…
LM: You really need to stop bringing up crap that happened so long ago. It has nothing to do with our current disagreement.
PEW: you live for being a pompous argumentative abrasive asshole. i should have known but instead I put you through all this and myself and now poor little S1
LM: You are bringing up yelling which has been significantly reduced and nearly eliminated during our disagreements… it isn’t fair that you detour onto stuff that is long since passed.

(She is the master of bringing up ancient history as if it had any relevance. I’m surprised she didn’t bring up some story about me forgetting to take out the trash sometime 4-years earlier or something.)

PEW: you are even more selfish than my first husband… there must be something wrong with me
LM: Yes, here is another example…
PEW: it’s all fair
LM: Today, I am “even more selfish than your first husband…”
PEW: you have always been
LM: Only Saturday night, “I realize that you have given me so much. My husband NEVER even dreamed of giving me all of the kinds of things that you have…” So forgive me for using the term “unstable.”

(More classic BPD – the “splitting.” I always knew that all hell was going to break loose within 48-hours of such complimentary words. It was so disturbingly predictable that I would ask her to never tell me how great a person, father, or husband I was because of it. Morbidly, it was treated with humor, that is… my asking her not to compliment me… ever. Looking back, I guess it points to the desperate measures I had hoped would stifle the next rage…)

PEW: yeah well…I’ll admit i’m sort of confused right now…
LM: But this flip-flopping back and forth with such high-drama in the course of 48 hours or less, on many topics, is becoming quite difficult for me to understand.
PEW: one minute I think..it would be better for all three of us if I just medicate myself into thinking I could do this for another 30 years
LM: That isn’t the answer, either. I just want to get to the bottom of this extreme hatred you have of your husband, when, I can’t conceive of anything that I have done to you that would warrant such a strong negative feeling from you. No amount of laziness, real or otherwise, can justify “hate.”
PEW: yeah well…i will maintain always and forever that you and only you push me to this point by just being selfish and lazy

(More BPD traits – it’s always someone else’s fault. I push her with my selfishness and laziness. Read on as I detail just how selfish and lazy I am… after all, how DARE I DO THE FUCKING LAUNDRY!!! I’ll bet most guys reading this blog complain about getting bitched at for not helping out around the house. Top that, Chief – I get bitched at for doing laundry!)

LM: No amount of “not initiating romantic dinners” can justify “hate.”
PEW: i like that “real or otherwise” it’s your CONSTANT ARGUMENTATIVENESS. always always always have to be right…always always have to tell me why i’m wrong always
LM: I work 40-50 hours per week, take two major college classes, write an essay per week, 5-15 homework assignments for English, 5-10 computer exercises, + 3 activities, and 1-2 essays for computer class, plus all of the reading, play with my kid, love my wife, do SOME amount of housework, both inside and out… yet, I am lazy and deserving of your “hate.”
LM: See above to show why I wrote “real or otherwise.”
PEW: see…it’s all about you

(It gets like a nasty game of tennis, volley… back and forth… volley, and then she gives you this wicked drop-shot that just breaks your ankles…)

LM: This is all about me showing you that the things that you say about me aren’t true… and “see… it’s all about you” is another example of you turning it into something it isn’t.
PEW: poor LM poor poor fucking LM. that’s selfish. you’re trying to guilt trip me now. selfish fucking prick
LM: You make all of these accusations, and then when I demonstrate to you the things that I do that cannot justify the term “lazy” you write, “see, it is all about you.” It is as if you have justified in your mind, that you can blast me with all of these things, then, when I try to point some things out to you, it is me “being selfish” and it is “all about you.”

(end)

And just like that, she turns off instant-messenger and goes back to her cold, dark internal hell after successfully dragging me into it.

 Subscribe in a reader

The Documentation Saving Begins – 1/11/2000

PEW had a knack for pushing buttons like no one I have ever met nor ever hope to meet again for the rest of my life. Her ability to go off on a tangent and bring everything into an argument that she has ever perceived as a wrong-doing was uncanny… and almost effortless. By the time an argument reached a conclusion, my head would be spinning from confusion and disbelief. I would be left wondering how in the hell we got from where we started to where it appeared to end.

She would often say that she would ambush me at work via instant messenger because she was “afraid” of my volume. What always confused me about that is, for as many documented arguments there are, I’d be willing to swear to 2- or 3-times as many undocumented ones. For someone who professed to anyone willing to listen to her tale of abuse and woe – she was fearful. Reality is, she wasn’t afraid of a damned thing. Her confidence in her own bullying and intimidation tactics were unwavering. She was one of those who would “dare” you to hit her. She would shove, poke in the chest, swing near your face, anything to try and elicit a beating.

Fortunately for me, that never happened despite her claims to the contrary. In fact, she would even claim to have called the police and have documented evidence of my alleged physical abuse of her, despite my never having ever been in jail for anything, nor her or her attorneys ever being able to produce a single police report to support her contention.

Today’s episode is one of those whirlwind experiences. Keep in mind, many of these prolonged debates occurred because I didn’t really discover what I was dealing with until the middle of 2005 (in terms of Borderline Personality Disorder). I would, get defensive. I would, try to present “logic” – a mistake oftentimes in normal relationships, but just doomed to failure in a disordered relationship. My notes on this particular IMversation indicate the following:

– Ruined New Year’s Day.
– Getting & Selling [my] Mom’s Bed.
– Suggestion That Sugary Cereal Might Not Be Good to Give A Sick Boy (then not even 2).

Doesn’t seem like much on the surface does it?

PEW: Are you there?
LM: I am now. What’s up?
PEW: Nothing’s up. I guess I want to know what to do from here.
LM: Kiss and make up and make love together.
PEW: I’m thinking you either have “roid rage” or maybe you don’t want me to stay home anymore.

(A smart person would have just blocked her and ended the conversation right there. I wasn’t smart. I wasn’t smart many times.)

LM: Neither.
PEW: Well, I think… you’re pretty easily set off lately.
LM: No, I’m not.
PEW: You’re not?

(Little did I realize that my reply really meant, “I don’t think so, but give it a try… again…“)

PEW: Well… I can’t deal with yelling so I need to know if you plan on continuing with it.
LM: I don’t feel like going through this exercise again. I can’t deal with your attitude and name-calling. You see how this circle doesn’t end? What’s the point of saying that if it never changes? I was relatively calm the other night until you continued to be relentless about my knowledge or lack thereof, until I finally let loose, yelled, and then walked away. Last night, I was a bit agitated with my mom’s situation. I am trying to do something that I believe may help her with a MINIMUM amount of impact on us, I hoped. You can’t accept it. It doesn’t matter that I may not even be able to pull it off… you are going to ram how you feel about it down throat over and over… and it still won’t change the fact that I WANT to help my mother with this particular situation.

(This “knowledge” of which I speak was my parenting knowledge and my opinion about what a sick child of 2 should be eating when ill. The “situation” in question was selling my mother’s behemoth king sized monument that doubles as a bed. It was believed it wouldn’t fit into the new apartment she was getting and I thought I could sell it for her. At the time, she could have used the extra money. Oh, the horror!)

PEW: As far as the other night goes… you present things in such a way that makes me think that the subject is not up for discussion… LM has spoken, the end. You did the same about him sleeping in our bed when he was sick…
LM: I won’t lie. That’s exactly how it was last night.
PEW: …me going in to comfort him when didn’t go RIGHT TO SLEEP like he normally does… I don’t particularly like the way you voice your opinion when it comes to matters concerning the baby.

(The suggestions were normal. Not only doesn’t she “particularly like” normal, she doesn’t like your opinion on anything that is not 100% in agreement with her… on any subject.)

LM: Those were suggestions… and, if you didn’t take suggestions soooo personally… you might see that they have some merit. It is only when you take them personally and question my rare “pearls of wisdom” with attitude and judgement that things get out of hand.
PEW: As far as your mother’s situation is concerned, don’t give me the crap about wanting to help her. You want to help yourself… to her bed!

(Now, I’d like to think I know what that meant, but the creepiness factor with her wouldn’t make the creepy interpretation very real.)

PEW: Listen, when it comes to the food thing, he just got over being sick… and he needed the calories. Your “pearls of wisdom” were suitable for another day.

(Uhhhhhhhhh… okay? My head is already beginning to spin here…)

LM: I wanted to try to sell the bed and maybe open an account for her with the proceeds for future emergency. Also, it is clear that you do not want it to either be our bed or the baby’s bed. Giving the baby sugar-coated Cheerios is not what I believe what most pediatricians would recommend.
PEW: Give me a break. You want to make a bet?
LM: No, I simply was guessing.
PEW: They tell me what to buy. I bought THOSE Cheerios because Dr. R– told me to. You wonder why I call you names.
LM: Well, yes, then I would like to ask the pediatrician if brown sugar coated Cheerios are a good substitute for dinner when a baby is under the weather.
PEW: So condescending. Call her then.
LM: I am not condescending, I told you it was a guess.
PEW: You are condescending. With regard to the bed… the fact that you are undertaking this task says to me…
LM: And you are forgetting that I did not take isue with the particular evening. I clearly stated that it was a suggestion “for future reference” and that “we didn’t want to make a habit of it.”

(Unfortunately, feeding the children sugary, snacky crap at every turn would be a habit she would develop which continues to this day.)

PEW: You are not very intelligent.
LM: That is exactly how I stated it in the clearest, calmest way possible.
PEW: definately not as intelligent as I give you credit for being
LM: But nooooooo… you take it personal and we are off to the races.
PEW: bull
LM: Okay
then… so we didn’t solve that.
PEW: I’m always up for a CALM discussion
LM: Go on about the bed.
PEW: no….you are a freak
LM: You’re correct… I yelled at you about the cheerios right off the bat, I didn’t qualify my statements before hand, and I was never calm about it.

(Please rest assured, the above was me being facetious, patronizing her version of events, as usual, where she has done nothing wrong and I have done everything wrong.)

PEW: why do you think your brothers always make fun of you
LM: Go on.
PEW: this is why I call you names. go on? you don’t want to help your mom…I know you
LM: You were about to tell me more about the bed and then instead started namecalling and telling me about how my brothers make fun of me.
PEW: you want that bed because you think it’s nice and you think it’s worth something
LM: I didn’t say anything about taking a picture of the bed before breaking it down the other night… so that it could be sold? Maybe on Ebay or something?
PEW: and you have this brainstorm about selling it, ha, why don’t you give YOURSELF a break… it’s another cockamamey idea

(Nevermind that, for several years prior to that time, doing part-time selling on eBay, we were able to pay cash for Christmases, pay for vacations, I actually did very well with little effort on eBay, so the idea being labeled “cockamamey” is completely disingenuous given the rewards she reaped from similar ideas.)

LM: Okay… did you call me up to tell me about ulterior motives or to resolve something? So far, you’ve called me names, made fun of the fact that my brothers made fun of me, that I have suspicious motivations about the bed, and I haven’t said a fucking thing wrong about you or to you yet.
PEW: you better call your Doctor and ask him to check your medication….

(Relentless – it’s like a verbal flood of insults and beat-downs. She really can’t help herself. It’s a learned behavior as, over the years, I’ve learned that this is how her fucked up family expresses “love” for one another. Perhaps looking back, she was really trying to tell me that she really, really loved me? Bitch. I don’t know whether to pat myself on the back by holding back as well as I always did or kick myself in the ass.)

LM: Okay, I’ll do that, and you can call my father and ask him what I intended to do with the bed after you nixed us using it, or putting it in what will be S1’s room. I imagined that we discussed trading it for the Blazer, too, correct? The Blazer was for me or was it for my mother?
PEW: i am talking to you right now because I wanted to resolve this… the other day we’re talking about having another child…. am I nuts or what?

(My head is in full Exorcist spin-mode now. Resolving this included opening with the loving roid-rage comment, followed by disparaging remarks about my family and various other horrible insults. Yeah, you’re fucking nuts all right there, Mrs. Peanut.)

PEW: you know…I may not have a job and I do believe S1’s life would be better if his parents stayed married, but….
LM: Okay… so then, if you wanted to resolve this, how, when I suggest kissing and making up in the first sentence… do you respond with the “roid rage” name calling toss? That isn’t resolution PEW.

(There I go again, with logic and reality! Brilliant! You know what’s most embarrassing about that? I did it for the 4-years prior to the start of Hell Catalog and I would continue to try the same tactic for the many years after. What is it “they” say about defining insanity?)

PEW: ain’t no way…no how ever ever ever putting up with you yelling and cursing again… under no circumstances….so decide
LM: Right? That happened, didn’t it? I wanted to kiss and make up, and you immediately started with insults. Or did I imagine that?
PEW: then apologize for causing me all this pain in the name of helping your mother when she’s never done a God damn thing for you

(The crime in the above statement is that my mother did LOTS for US. Always did within her means. God love her, she still helps me out to this very day. The single most ungrateful scumbag I’ve ever met in my life. Yes, I married her, thanks for that reminder. lol – I know you’re thinking it!)

LM: Right, now you make disparaging remarks about my Mom… that is great resolution… this is a prime example of how things start… I will save this and show you.
PEW: wrong
LM: *I* am calm out of the gate, and you name call.
PEW: name call? what are you talking about

(By this point, my head has probably spun clear off of my neck. A normal person probably would have gone ballistic, if they didn’t hang themselves first.)

LM: When I say calmly “no” to your roid rage comment… you continue to berate me by saying, “you are easily set off”
PEW: YOU ARE you freaked twice in three days
LM: Go back up to the top and read who started what… me or the name calling.
PEW: I’m not putting up with it
LM: Go on. Go up top and read it for yourself and you tell me if I am “making shit up” like
you usually do.
PEW: I just read….
LM: I will say now as I have said before… if you can reply to me without attitude, cursing me, and calling me names and other insults… I WON’T YELL.
PEW: I havent said anything that isn’t true
LM: If you can’t do that… then I cannot guarantee that I won’t yell. If you can… I will guarantee that won’t yell. Okay?
PEW: well then…I guess we better Lawyer up then
LM: I’ll wait for yours to contact me then. Sorry you can’t own up to your own namecalling and insulting rages.
PEW: because I have never ever ever done anything to merit your “rage”
LM: I will still save this as an example though.

(More classic projection.)

PEW: please
LM: I will.
PEW: they will laugh at you, laugh
LM: Keep it up.
PEW: well ..we either come to an agreement now or I’m getting off and calling a lawyer
LM: I won’t yell. Do you promise not to namecall and insult?
PEW: i don’t believe that I ever do

(“I don’t believe that I ever do” – said after everything she wrote before it. Yes, I have been to therapy to get to the root of why I put up with this shit. That said, I never got an answer regarding how I managed to not go completely insane trying to deal with this. If there is nothing else that proves what I wouldn’t endure to stay with my children…)

LM: That wasn’t the question.
PEW: I don’t do it

(Look at me, persisting with trying to get her to accept reality, when clearly, she can’t.)

LM: Okay then, better get on the horn to that lawyer… “roid rage” is insulting.
PEW: you won’t yell period!
LM: Saying things about my mother is insulting. Callng me a “freak” is insulting…
PEW: i’m not kidding about the “roid rage” you should talk to your doctor about it
LM: go on… go on up and read all of the things that you called me in this very exchange… then come down here and tell me that “I don’t do that.” I won’t yell period. Do you promise not to namecall and insult “period?” Well?
PEW: I will never call you names or insult you if you talk to me in a civil manner…not like I’m your kitchen bitch. anything regarding the baby is up for discussion… I don’t take what “articles” say as law…. I just don’t sorry and you shouldn’t either we are a team as parents…
LM: Okay then.
PEW: you are not the boss
LM: Yes we are. I say again, I did not boss you around the other night.
PEW: did too. listen let’s not make up just yet okay…

(This is something she did often. “Let’s not make up just yet” – she would have some undefined time frame before making up was possible. When she gave you permission to make up, then you could make up. Yes, this is the woman who can love, nurtur, and raise children… and yes, she would do the same thing to the children, let them cry for long periods of time telling them that she was not ready to forgive them. Horrible, blackhearted freak.)

PEW: I’m going up the mountains this weekend… I’m going to discuss some things with a lawyer regarding the custody of our son…

(Probably whether or not I was worth enough to take down for the money and run. Looking back now, it wouldn’t surprise me if she did talk to a lawyer and she said, “…not enough yet, have another child, get him to move you to a new house so you’re out of the house he owns himself, and THEN file for divorce. Oh, and get a credit card in secret and max it out so he has to pay for half! MUWAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA!!!)

LM: I say again… the conversation started withme calmly saying, “I want to preface this by saying that I know that this isn’t something that you do all the time, and I know that you stay home with him and all that, but it isn’t a good idea to give him something else if he isn’t going to eat his dinner, especially something sugary.”
PEW: and you think about ALL this for awhile. you lie
LM: Well, tell me how it was that I started the conversation, I am curious.
PEW: i was on the phone…
LM: yup
PEW: and you were giving me the eye when I gave him the cereal
LM: true
PEW: then after I hung up, you proceded to tell me about the article…
LM: Never said “article” said I’ve read “things” (plural)
PEW: then you said “I better not see you giving him any of those gummy bears later”
LM: You have got to be kidding me?
PEW: i gotta go make some calls
LM: So, then, you are claiming that after I you got off the phone… that I never said a word about “prefacing this by saying that I know that this isn’t somehting that you do all the time…” and… “I just wanted to say that we don’t want to start any bad habits…” That all didn’t happen BEFORE the gummy bear comments… which occurred AFTER you said that you’ve read ONE article”

(Obviously, I didn’t know when to stop.)

PEW: he has all of the best habits of any baby I know…
LM: “…that I don’t know what I am talking about…”
PEW: but I never get any credit for that… you teach him everything right. save it for court
LM: That is another unsubstantiated claim that you make up when you are pissed at me. That is so untrue it isn’t even funny. Stop threatening me.
PEW: yep
LM: It gets old after a while.
PEW: yeah yeah well you continue to push me in that direction don’t you
LM: Hardly.
PEW: it’s not gonna be so old some day\ then what will you say I wonder
LM: Your selective memory typically leaves out the beginning truth of a conversation. I just start off with an attitude and yelling.
PEW: who cares LM, I love my son and I wanted another child with you, but that aint happening…not with your attidude
LM: Thanks for wasting my time… you obviously didn’t come here to resolve anything… just to ram it up my ass some more and do more posturing and lawyer threatening. I’ve had enough of that, will there be anything else?
PEW: i want to do what’s best for him and being with parents that fight all the time isn’t good for any shild
LM: All the time…
PEW: you got it
LM: …are you sure maybe you aren’t the one who should see a doctor? Because you when you cop this high and mighty attitude of yours and get a bug up your ass… you create your own truths.
PEW: yeah, I was already put on medication….I wasnt depressed now was I? I think you’ve been the problem all along maybe I really don’t love you. i’m a stupid person
LM: I dunno… I’m fine until I suggest something regarding our son, as if I have no right to make a suggestion, I am a “guy” and “don’t stay home with him as much as you” so I can’t possibly have anything intelligent to say on any matter.
PEW: please it’s the way you make a suggestion
LM: Any time we debate an issue over S1, you always say that… “what do you know” It is the way YOU choose to remember that I made the suggestion… not reality.
PEW: i’m all for discussions..except anthing we talk about is not a discussion
LM: Because may God banish me to hell if I am lying… I made a point, just because of the way the bed thing degraded, of OVER prefacing my suggestion just to hope to avoid a confrontation… and it still didn’t work. BEFORE the gummy bear thing… BEFORE the “Cheerios is coated with sugar” observation… before you started calling me names and insulting me… and before I started to yell.
PEW: no excuse
LM: No excuse for your antics either.
LM: So I guess we’re even.
PEW: wel, like i said i have phone calls to make…
LM: Okay.
PEW: if I go to my mom’s the baby goes too i want you to know that
LM: We’ll see about that. We’ll work out an arrangement I suppose.
PEW: well lets work it out… because I’d like to do that
LM: Yeah, sure… I bet you do.
PEW: you can see him at night like you do now
LM: Grow up.
PEW: i am grown up …I’m not the one who screams and yells and curses in from of my infant son
LM: Stop lying… you might not yell… but you curse like truck driver PEW. That is a fact.

(end)

I can remember the look on DW’s face when I first handed her this particular binder. This was the first item she read. She wasn’t halfway finished the transcript when she looked up at me with “that look.” It’s a look that is forever burned in my memory. The “how the hell did you put up with this shit” look, which is usually soon followed by the “why the fuck did you ever marry this psycho” look.

It’s that look you have on your face right now.

 Subscribe in a reader