Lora writes, "Tomorrow is the Big Day!"

LM & DW,

Tomorrow is the big day… we hope! We go back to court, again, to hopefully win custody of my husband’s kids. We’ve been going every other month it seems since January, a full month after CPS took my husband’s daughter from his PEW (and gave her to the PEW’s mother, per the PEW’s request), and three months since he’d seen his daughter last. His son elected to come live with us nearly a year ago exactly, due to struggles at home with both his mother and his older half brother, so we have had custody of him at least. Between the PEW and CPS both, it has been an uphill battle.

The PEW has talked his son into lying about his father(my husband), promised him a life full of doing what ever he wants(to include drug use, hanging out with old friends that got him into trouble before) in exchange for coming back to live with her. Now that the PEW has the daughter back from CPS, she is trying to turn the little girl(just turned 6) against her father like she has his son. It is disgusting, to be honest. The woman has tested positive for drugs multiple times in the last nearly year, has flown off the coop at counselor’s visits (all documented), and my husband has never come up positive, never thrown a fit… and still, there is a chance that she could get the boy back, and keep his daughter as well.

The last time we were at court, a ‘social study’ was agreed upon. It has cost us nearly three times as much money as it was supposed to, but hopefully, will be worth it. When my husband’s son spoke to the social worker yesterday (the one conducting said ‘social study’, he admitted to her freely that he’d lied to CPS about his dad for his mom and that he’d done drugs under the care of (but not in sight of) his mother during her supervised visitation with him. He told the social worker that his dad wouldn’t let him talk to his old friends (yes, the ones he’d gotten into trouble for shoplifting with and the ones he’d been doing drugs with), made him do his homework and go to school. With Mom, he’d already been on probation for shoplifting, been held back a year at school for truancy, and failing all his classes as well as regular marijuana use with his friends. As the social worker said… ‘No wonder he wants to go live with his mom!’

Now, our primary goal is to keep custody of the boy, as mom treats boy (verbally, mentally abusive) far differently than girl (‘normal’, for now at least); however, per our attorney, we are in fact fighting for custody of both. It is our hope that with this ‘social study’ report, they will not be able to justify keeping daughter with mom if son shouldn’t be with mom. And tomorrow, we will see.

Wish us luck!
Lora

Lora wrote this letter on September 23rd, 2008 and then followed up with us regarding the outcome of their court hearing…

LM & DW,

Court, for now, is over and done with. Per the social worker’s recommendations, my husband’s son will be staying with us, period. His daughter will stay with Mom. Visitation will remain the way it currently is, weekend wise, but holidays will be modified (we only had temporary orders that didn’t include holidays). We also managed to get it stipulated that his ex-wife will have to follow through with all and any recommendations from the psychological testing done by CPS within 30 days, and we also got in a requirement of random drug testing (this is our major concern, as well as the psychological stuff).

We could have gone daggers for his daughter as well, but, given circumstances, we really feel this is in his daughter’s best interests for now. That could change in the coming weeks, months, years. Who’s to know? My husband and his ex split up when his daughter was still an infant, she has never had Dad around full time and Mommy is her constant. There is an undeniable bond between mother and daughter that we cannot find fault with. At this time, while his ex is clean and drug free, we aren’t sure that pulling his daughter from her ‘safety line’ is the best thing to do. If, however, the situation deteriorates or she starts testing dirty, then we will go back to court.

We are incredibly thankful. It went better than the worst case scenario, but not as well as the best case scenario, but we can work with this.

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers, and know that we will be continuing to read your blogs, something tells me that our journey is not nearly complete (we’ll be dealing with the ex until his daughter turns 18, at least!).

-Lora

Lora and Husband,

Success in the family court arena is often counted in the small steps forward. While you didn’t achieve all of your goals, it’s very nice to see that you’ve managed to gain some ground in protecting the kids from their mother’s issues. Hopefully, some of the steps you’ve taken will ultimately help your PEW in the long-run, too.

Continued best wishes to you and yours!

Sincerely,
LM & DW

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I LOVE Your Site!

Hi,

I ran across your site/blog while looking for information to help my fiance. We’ve been together for about 8 years now and have had nothing but hell from his ex wife, and recently she has nearly ruined our lives for the 2nd time, 3rd for my fiance. It’s horrible what she’s allowed to do, the things she gets away with, while the children have spent the bulk of their lives living with relatives…. while she collects welfare and child support, without the children benefiting from what she gets.

Sorry to ramble on. The whole story is a nightmare, something you would see in a movie and think… “That could never REALLY happen.. not in REAL life.” We have a very modest income, I’ve not been able to work myself for several years now due to severe fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome. It’s such a long story, and I won’t bore you with the details. I guess in a way I’m rambling because we are STILL in the middle of this hell and finding no way out. But I wanted to write and tell you how much your site is appreciated. It’s so frightening facing losing what little we have because she supports a drug habit rather than her kids and pulls us back into court each time she gets desperate and needs more cash. Reading the entries and responses on your blog titled “Child support or state windfall” at least let me see that, as suspected, this problem is huge, an epidemic in this country, and the children suffer because of it….and the father suffers, and the only one in a winning position (at least in our case) is a woman who dares call herself ‘mother’ while stealing from her kids.

Anyway, thank you for your site and the stories and information therein.

Sincerely,
A.W.

You’re very welcome, A.W. Thanks also to the readers and contributors to the site, stories, and articles. Without them, I’m sure that our place would be a bit less helpful.

~LM & DW

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Noncustodial Moms "Do It," Too!

PEOPLE!!! They deal with these types of issues, too! WhatEVER were you thinking?

Good afternoon,

Wow. I’m nowhere near being in your shoes, but I can strongly identify with many of the situations you describe. My PEH is less destructive, but equally selfish, clueless and wrapped up in his bubble of mememememememe. He’s certainly not BPD, but narcissistic? Oh yes. Passive aggressive? Yes. And his on/off ex-for-now girlfriend? She’s just psycho.

I’ve been devouring the blog with the kind of fascination that happens when watching a spectacular train wreck. I kinda want to look away. I’m happy it’s not me. There’s nothing I can do about it. … but wow, it’s impressive. And it so could almost be me.

DW must be a very strong person. My own DH has some difficulty with PEH…

I started implementing my own version of low-contact. Obviously, it can’t be no-contact because we have kids. And he’s not usually abusive or nasty or hostile enough for that to be a problem — although we did go through a spell — but the low contact is definitely achieving what I want. He’ll call me at work with some kind of inane request or comment about the kids. Silly stuff, that really? Didn’t need to call me for that… and then turn it into a moaning self-pitying rant about life, his friends, or mostly, his psycho GF/not-GF.

I used to — yes, I admit it — actually try to lend a caring ear and talk him out of his loathing or self-pity, figuring helping him be happy would benefit the kids — and I’m just that kind of person. I’d give him a pep-talk at least once a week, and other days, just listen to him vent. But it was like being a kleenex. Wouldn’t ask me how I was — and if he did, it was with the “oh, yes, I must not forget to be polite” tone of voice, and he wouldn’t listen to the answer anyway, and generally cut me off. When things were good with the GF, I was worthless and evil, and we ought to be more independent of each other. When things were bad with the GF, I was a convenient shoulder to cry on. So I started training him. Very slowly, he’s learning. Complaining and carrying on about himself and his problems is met with the kind of stony silence he can hear. No “mmhm.” Nothing. Then he feels awkward and switches back to the topic at hand, or trying to find a topic. Yes, all he wants is attention.

We recently went through a real upheaval, and this is really where I realized how firm I needed to be about the ways I let him speak to me. I decided to move — one hour out of the downtown core. Yes, that makes me the big evil woman. I’m not. Quite frankly, I have the right to have a life, and it isn’t going to be by continuing to live in the shit-poor area of town within 5 blocks of his cat-piss smelling apartment building that I will build one. And since I can provide something better than inner-city welfare area housing, I will. But oh he wasn’t pleased. It was an insult. The kids don’t need better than that. It was horrendously selfish of me to not make my life plans around his wants and needs. Suddenly, the kids were his life, and he wasn’t going to accept any change at all to our custody agreement (informal and adjusted over the years as needed.) Whereas before? He was bugging me frequently to take the kids on his days so he could go out or spend more time with GF. His main complaint was that he resented me “doing this to him.” Hell, I wasn’t DOING anything to him, I was doing something FANTASTIC for the kids, namely providing them with a house in a safe, healthy, fantastic neighbourhood, and offering the option of a school they could walk to without the need for after school day care. He had options, I was open to negotiation. His position was “you’re not allowed to move. I won’t let you.” No words about what would be better or worse for the kids. Nope. Only about how it would affect his schedule. His attempt at “negotiation” started and ended with his suggestion that rather than DH and I buying the house we’d put an offer on, we should buy a duplex downtown with PEH, so that we could live in the same building (and, *shhh* he could mooch off our income and profit from owning a house that he would never be able to afford on his own.)

Well, we made it through that. We’re working with the new custody arrangement, which sees me getting the kids every weekend except one a month during the school year, and 50/50 in the summer. And it’s ok, but I think his parenting is poor, and letting him have them more than 50% of the time concerns me. Oh he’s not mean or nasty or violent. He’s subtle and baby-talks them, and puts all kind of health fears into their little heads. He actually wanted to include in the agreement that if the kids “expressed a need to attend an activity” we were both obliged to take them because “the kids’ needs come before our own” — this in reference to him scheduling weekend activities that I would then have to take them to, regardless of our (DH and I) plans. I clarified that activities like gymnastics are not NEEDS, but that is how he parents. If the kids want something it is a need and he bends over backwards to provide it thinking this will earn their love and devotion. Damn straight, but only for as long as the catering to their every whim lasts. And I become the nasty mean parent because I don’t let them get away with it. But every time they go back to his place they re-learn that whining gets them stuff, and I end up un-training them all over again. It’s crazy-making. He doesn’t see how this is harmful.

For the time being, he’s off again with his psycho GF. And you know what? She wants to maintain contact with the kids by writing letters to them. Previously, the last time the split, they had a “visitation” day. She would come over on Tuesdays to spend time with them, as if she had any right to maintain a relationship with them. Now, she wants to continue contact by letter. I told him sternly what I thought, but he actually was considering it because maybe it would be good for the kids; they like her.

So all this ranting to say I’m reading the blog everyday. Your experience is bolstering and fortifying my own position and opinions… thank you for sharing and exposing so clearly the nitty gritty details of what it’s like to deal with a nutty ex…

Good luck!

“MommaFish”

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I Fell Prey to Her Charms & Her Beauty

Great site. I’ve been through an exhausting and terrifying four years myself. Just won sole custody of my son from my second wife, who was formally diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Depression. She is allowed only supervised parenting time. And the court is allowing my son and I to relocate to another state, to escape her and her family’s continual attacks. This after she and her Legal Aid attorney initially manipulated the court into upholding a fraudulent restraining order against me which granted her temporary custody of my son for one year, and control of my home, which she and her family then stripped of all belongings. In all, a resounding victory for our 3 y.o. son. But at a cost of almost $100,000 in legal fees for a trial that lasted over 7 months and consumed over 40 hours of court testimony.

I’m a physician — I should have known better. But I fell prey to her charms and her beauty. And there is a part of me that still cares for her, still loves her, and still wishes she could be “normal”, so that our son could have a healthy mother. Fortunately, she is now on psychotropic medications, and says she is in behavioral management therapy — I hope she means Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. On the other hand, my son tells me that she’s dating a new “victim” — I wish there were a way I could warn him.

My first marriage was to a sane woman, and the two of us ended our marriage amicably, always putting our child’s needs ahead of our own. But my second marriage…

My second wife, the BPD/NPD mother of my son, is a high-functioning, charming, intelligent, slender, tall, long-haired, beautiful woman, and 22 years younger than me. She was able to convince two Ph.D. psychologists that she has no mental illness. But she is a highly-skilled manipulator, and her comfort with deceit is terrifying. She plays the victim effortlessly. My fight was with her, her bipolar/BPD mother, and her true-believer, radical feminist, man-hating, racially-biased Legal Aid attorney. Here are some of the things that she, with the assistance of her mother and attorney, did:

— abducted my son across state lines, twice, once at 6 months of age, a second time when he was 2 y.o.;

— forwarded my personal US mail, including correspondence from my attorney, to her parent’s PO Box, then refused to return my mail;

— stripped my home of over $100,000 in belongings — art work, Persian rugs, etc., going so far as to remove light and shower fixtures;

— hacked into my web-based email accounts;

— intercepted privileged emails between myself and my attorney;

— fabricated threatening emails to her from me, after hacking into my email account;

— submitted fabricated evidence to the court;

— suppressed out-of-state police reports during the restraining order hearing;

— filed false police reports against me;

— filed false reports of child abuse with CPS and the police against me;

— had a girlfriend of hers send a letter to the custody evaluator accusing me of being an ex-felon and running an internet child pornography ring;

— hacked into my (formerly) secure FTP site where I stored all my case notes;

— and the worst: she and her mom programmed my son’s 8-y.o. maternal half-sister into making false allegations that I had sexually abused her, the little girl, by using a recording device to help her practice her sex abuse “story”, a story containing explicit, graphic descriptions of deviant sexual acts.

We were fortunate to have an incredibly insightful and committed jurist as our trier of fact. She found my ex to be not credible, to have made false allegations of abuse against her and the children, and to have committed child abuse by sponsoring her daughter to make false allegations of sex abuse against me. The judge ruled from the bench, and also wrote out detailed findings of fact, providing me hard copy documentation to provide to authorities the next time this unhealthy woman and her family make false allegations against me. We also had a very professional and unbiased custody evaluator.

I’m writing a detailed analysis of my experience, including my view of what seemed to contribute to our success in court. It’s in part a case study of [BPD] across three generations of women — the ex-wife, her mother, and her 8-y.o. daughter, and in part a case study of a successful legal strategy for litigating against an ill-intentioned BPD family and their true-believer attorney.

~SingleHWNDad

SingleHWNDad,

What an incredible, but believable story. I hope that when you complete your analysis, you write a book or publish your findings… and send me a copy!

We hope and pray that you and your son can heal and grow after the experiences. Always remain on guard.

Sincerely,
DW & LM

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Feedback: The Help You Have Given Me

LM,

I was not married to someone with BPD, I was raised by someone with BPD. When I was 21 she was finally diagnosed with depression and about 6 years ago was diagnosed BPD. She is taking medication for the depression, but refuses the therapy. So the BPD is still present in every interaction that we have.

All of my life I knew there was something wrong. Never did we have a rational conversation without her yelling or crying or trying to make me feel guilty about ruining her life. It was very difficult. I was lucky that I had my father who was always quiet and rational. He helped me to see that her behavior wasn’t normal. He helped me to build up emotional defenses against her attacks. He taught me how to distance myself from her emotionally and helped me keep the damage minimal. I hope that your time with your kids is as beneficial to them.

I still deal with her on a daily basis, and had always struggled to do so, until I found your site. The IM’s are so similar to what I go through, the strange direction that every conversation takes. Many of our conversations now, (I’m 36) lead back to what I did when I was 14, and how evil I am. This site has helped me see the pattern. I now understand when the first sign of an attack is coming and I know then that it is time to go home, or hang up the phone. I have learned so much from this web-site about minimal contact, and steering the conversation, and cutting off communication if the conversation starts down the wrong path. I will forever be grateful for this site.

Everyday I think about showing my Dad the web-site, because I know how he would relate to it, but for now, we don’t speak of her illness. He has been walking on egg shells for 40 years and the prospect of change scares him. It is just a silent understanding that we have and maybe just a quick “you know how your mom is” comment that we use to reassure each other and build each other up. Maybe one day I will be brave enough to send him to your site, but until then, I will just continue to use what you teach me and to remember that I am not alone.

Once again, thank you!

TB

You’re so very welcome. Thanks for the positive feedback.

~LM & DW

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Why Talk About it on the Internet?

I have been reading your site. I am interested in every different viewpoint; but, my personal question to you, is: why, if you really think your ex-wife has serious mental health issues….why is it something to talk about on the internet?

I mean no disrespect; and, like I said, I have been reading some, but I work with mentally ill individuals, and I have also dealt with a serious depressive disorder in my own life. It would disturb me terribly, if I felt that others were speaking of my clients, or myself using terms such as “crazy”, or “nutcase”.

I know first-hand the pain of divorce for children. Of course, my parents have been divorced since I was a year old; however, there were issues all the years of my life between myself and the two of them. I came to realize they were all about getting at each other, instead of showing real concern about me during those times. However, my mother was the one who really cared about me overall. And, I believe from what I have read on your site, that you are the parent who really cares about your childrens’ welfare, overall.

It must be hellish to deal with someone who is potentially borderline. I don’t do well with borderline folks. Most counselors won’t even see them as clients because their personality disorder makes them rather impossible to help. I realize this. It’s just that I can’t understand what purpose it serves to not “rise above” the borderline personality’s issues and focus on the positives in one’s present life.

Honestly, I am very interested in your story, and the stories that others have shared on your site. I just wonder if the benefit of ranting outweighs the stress you experience with this woman and her family members.?

I hope the best for you with your children. My fear is the scars that may result because of your ex-wife’s disorder and the probability that your children will know and feel your stress and resentments toward their mother.
Children do suffer. And I just hope someday the woman will come to realize the issues and seek help for herself. Borderlines can eventually be helped. It’s like anything else; they have to realize they have problems, and the whole thing about the disorder is that they don’t think they do have problems. This is actually part of the disorder. That’s why it is so difficult to work with these folks. BUT, there is hope for them. That would be my wish; for your childrens’ sakes.

Sincerely…
TS

Why is it something I want to talk about on the internet?

There are a lot of reasons why it is something I want to talk about and the feedback I receive from readers supports my decision every single day.

This question was asked of me when I was interviewed for a piece that was published on divorce360.com. In response to that question, I explained, “The site is intended to help people in similar situations. “I had always felt like no one really knew or quite understood the level of chaos that had existed in my life, and this was a way to express it all without burdening others with such horror or having to explain myself, re-explain myself.” It served as a means to tell the truth of my experiences but to no one in particular.”

That is how I defined the reason for starting this site in January of 2008. Soon thereafter, we started getting an incredible amount of feedback from people who truly felt as isolated as I did, going through very similar situations. That’s when the site, for me and hopefully others, took on a more meaningful purpose. I am not alone nor are others who are embroiled in such similar situations. I pray that their realizations prevent them from the self-trapping that I did. I felt I had nowhere to turn and had I discovered a place like this a long time ago, I may have been compelled to make some better choices much earlier in the relationship. Maybe I would have been more honest with myself and with others about what I was going through and gotten more help and guidance for myself and/or the children.

It’s what people do when going through something as significant as this. They isolate themselves out of fear. Fear of a lack of understanding. Fear of burdening others with thier troubles. Fear of abandonment. The sense of relief and the release of the anxiety of feeling so isolated is evident in the communications I get from others.

Contrary to your concerns regarding the potential for my children to sense the stress and resentment – it’s not my website that will risk doing that – it’s the actual experiences that we have all endured and will continue to go through due to the failed relationship between the PEW and I. In fact, I would be quick to tell you that this outlet of sharing and caring greatly reduces the stress and any resentment I feel towards the PEW. Further, it reduces the stress and anxiety those close to me feel (especially DW) because I’m not just unloading on those people. I can do it here and hopefully be doing something productive in the process – not just for me, but for anyone who cruises by here for a read.

On the flip side, I don’t feel bad about the scant few terms I use for my ex-wife and some others in her family. When you consider that I am no longer affected so deeply by the terms that she uses for me, including: spousal abuser, drug addict, alcoholic, homosexual, faggot, impotent, asshole, child abuser, falsely filing reports with CPS, calling the police for no particular reason… and the list goes on and on and on… categorizing her actions as nutty or psycho, aside from being accurate (unlike hers), are tame by comparison. Like you, and I have mentioned it several times on this site – I wish the very same for PEW – that she would recognize what she’s actually going through and take steps to manage it effectively to the benefit of everyone. That is no lie.

Finally, I have many positives which I focus on in life. The work that I do on this site doesn’t mean that I don’t. Every single day is a lot of hard work to rise above the BPD and the experiences of dealing with her. I have a lot to be thankful for – a wonderful partner in DW, 2 children of my own, 2 step-children, great family and friends, a great job, and the list goes on. As long as my site serves to help people, entertain people (to some small degree), educate people, and be an outlet for shaking off the bad experiences… I’ll keep doing it.

~LM

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You Have Saved Our Sanity!

Dear DW and LM,

My husband and I just want to thank you for promoting the “low contact” strategy.

For 8 years we have been documenting, documenting, documenting, but we were always at a loss when it came to conversations with BM on the phone. As taping conversations without her knowing is illegal in our state, the rages she would have were always our word against hers. After starting to read your website, a few months ago DH put his foot down after she went off on him on the phone. He told her he wasn’t going to take her verbal abuse anymore, and that he would only be contacting her by email. When the phone rings he lets it go straight to voicemail. Now we finally have recordings of her raging – she actually did it on voicemail and in about 6 emails.

I think she must have talked to someone who wised her up, though, because now she says she has no internet service and DH “has” to talk to her on the phone. DH responded in a letter, which we sent FedEx, stating that she could feel free to leave us messages, but all of DH’s responses would be sent in writing by mail. She is at a loss ; ) In the past we used to send her certified mail, but she would not answer the door and then say because of her “medical” issues, she could not get to the post office. Now we send FedEx with indirect signature, which means she can just sign a door tag and they will leave it at her door. No excuses!

Since the beginning, she has terrorized us into thinking that because she is BM her every whim and desire must be met immediately and on her terms. Your site has freed us from that feeling and we are now able to address the issues that are important to the children and ignore everything else. It hasn’t made her any more sane or reasonable, but at least now we feel that we can show what we have been trying to communicate to her regarding her relationship with her children, and that gives us quite a bit of serenity. What a huge power shift! (It also helped that we moved about 18 hours away from her, and don’t have to deal with the drama of her every other weekend visits anymore.)

Ironically, she also complained because DH wasn’t having the boys call “immediately” after she left a message, and that she was to have direct contact with them. So we got them a Skype phone for very little cost per year, unlimited calling, and she leaves them messages. We no longer have to make sure they call her back – she got pissed when they didn’t call her back right away (sometimes it was a week before they did), and she couldn’t complain to DH, because it was her idea! Sometimes, when they hear the phone ring, they see it is her and put the phone back without answering it. They actually talked to her more when DH took her messages and had them call back because we never gave them a choice. I now no longer dread the phone ringing, and actually look forward to her next “drama” message, because we can choose to address it or not, and in our own time. You have saved our sanity!

Sincerely,
CZ

CZ & DH,

No problem and you aren’t the first… and won’t be the last to benefit from this strategy. Not only does it mitigate your insanity… they’re often too stupid to keep from giving you evidence that may be crucial down the road (rages, threats, etc.).

Good for you guys!!!

Sincerely,
Mister-M

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I Am a Psychiatrist

Dear LM & DW,

I am a Psychiatrist. I just recently finished my residency and have started practice at my county hospital. I never made any rules as to which kind of patients I would be unwilling to take on. Of course I was a “new” doctor and I could cure the world.

However, I was paged to the hospital emergency room for a patient that was suicidal and had her 3 young children with her. Needless to say, I was at the hospital very quickly. If not for the patient herself but for the children. I have taken on this patient and her 3 children. The children, I am positive, are normal and just scared of the things they heard from their mother. This might just might be the patient that makes me say I am unwilling to take on patients with BPD. You see I talked to her for a very long time and within the first 5-minutes of her telling me her feelings, thoughts, and history, she hit on all of the characteristics of BPD.

You may be sitting there thinking why in the world is this woman telling me this? Well, after calling the man she had listed as her emergency contact at the hospital. And yes, she has been in and out of our ER at least 15 times threatening suicide. I find out that he is her ex-husband and they are in the middle of a very heated custody battle. I will save my immediate thoughts on what I think. However, the ex-husband has told me that he has my name and where I work as I havent tried to hide that from him. More importantly, he is going to subpoena me for the emergency hearing. So I am just patiently waiting on the order to be served.

How odd is it that I am the stepmother in my husband’s case. And now I am going to be testifying in someone else’s. I just wanted to thank you for writing this blog and giving BPD exposure. And good luck in your case.

~Meg

Meg,

You wouldn’t be the first Psychiatrist (or Psychologist) we’ve heard from who simply wants to avoid working with people suffering from borderline personality disorder. They are very difficult people to treat and it takes an almost inexhaustible supply of patience and care. Sadly, they do need real help and hopefully you are able to withstand the emotional and mental strain that they seem to put upon everyone – even professionals such as you.

Good luck and let us know what you ultimately decide.

~LM & DW

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A Self-Proclaimed Psycho Ex-Wife Writes…

Dear LM & DW,

My ex works for the [company deleted] in [city deleted] – he took out a restraining order on me because I drove him off the edge

I love the double standard – they treat their wives like dirt and walk out – then get restraining orders because the courts offer them that convenience. [The] last thing they need on earth is a convenience – because they’ll use it – Congress needs to shut down this restraining order business – you should be able to get on UTube and post it like it is – I bought my husband’s name on a website address – that’s also a good one!

Now I get arrested if I even go to [city deleted]. I’m barred from entering [city deleted]. Says that right on the order. So I’m going over to [Deleted] Court and bar something else – hopefully him from walking around without a prison uniform on.

S.

Reminders of just how good I actually have it just pop up sometimes. This actually came to us with the subject line: I am a psycho ex-wife!

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PAS: JBB Needs Help

We’re looking for advice, suggestions, anything that may help.

Here is the situation: PEW was caught in the act of an affair, by her ex-husband on one occasion, and by the then-10-year-old son on another. She is embarrassed, and wants to blame the divorce on something else. Here are some of the different lies she has told:

1. Her lover had drugged her. Problem: she changed her story of which drug was used, and ultimately claimed he had used “roofies”, even though she was quite awake and alert on both occasions when she was caught. Oh, and in true BPD or NPD style, she somehow made that her ex-husband’s fault for “not protecting her from and evil man who gave her drugs.”

2. That the Dad molested the then-4 year old daughter. Problem: nobody else corroborates this story, the PEW identifies one single incident of “molestation,” which happened when the Dad was applying chigger-bite medicine, and PEW herself never mentioned this incident until three years later, after she was caught in bed with another man, and found herself going through a divorce. PEW is also very careful never to tell this particular lie in front of the now-10 year old daughter, who of course, has no memory of any “molestation” because none took place.

3. That the Dad had in his possession nasty pictures of the Mom’s grown daughter from her first marriage. Problem: this daughter — Dad’s step-daughter — has a porn website, pole dances for a living, is a drug abuser, and admitted, while under the influence of alcohol, that she was the one who had planted the pictures in her step-Dad’s briefbag because she was angry with him for not making her car payment for her, and her car had gotten re-possessed as a result. As you can see, this paragon of womanhood is a chip right off the old PEW block.

4. That the Dad had taken “nasty” pictures of a group of middle school girls while chaperoning a field trip. Problem: PEW can only produce one picture, of a girl bending over, which happened only because of the flash delay on the camera; the ex-husband had already deleted this picture from his computer, not because he considered it “nasty,” but because it was it was poor photography. PEW found it in the “delete folder” on the ex-husband’s computer, and now shows this picture to everyone, acts all horrified at how “nasty” it is, and tells folks it was taken by her perverted nasty horrible pedophile evil ex-husband, and that there are many others that are even worse – that they are so bad she cannot even show them to anyone. Yeah, right. Here’s a medal for your self-restraint.

This woman spends all day, every day, calling her neighbors, people in her church, people at her children’s schools, family members, anyone, everyone, and telling them over and over again that her ex-husband is an evil pedophile. She even went to his new neighborhood (20 miles away), and knocked on every door, introduced herself, and told the people there her allegations. Problem: he was examined by two court-appointed psychiatrists, including a phallometric exam, that cleared him off all charges. In fact, one of the psychiatrists was also ordered by the court to examine HER, and found that she was so psychotic that he recommended that she be medicated and put under a minimum of weekly psychiatric evaluation. This psychiatrist also recommended that custody be given to the Dad, and that PEW be supervised whenever she was in the presence of the kids. The judge was never given the opportunity to rule on these recommendations, however, because PEW was going so nuts at the time that the Dad chose to settle case without going to trial, in an ill-advised attempt to end the insanity – his attorney asserted that the PEW would “settle down” once the divorce was finalized, and the Dad believed that. In addition, PEW has reported the Dad to Family Protective Services so many times, and they have investigated and cleared him so many times, that they threatened PEW with charges of making a false report if she came back to them. Of course, she now tells everyone that the Dad has “bought FPS off”. Just like he supposedly bought off the two psychiatrists.

The parents have joint custody, and the kids spend about 50% of their time with each parent. The kids cannot bring their friends over to Mom’s house, because whenever they do, she immediately collars the friend and spends the next 1-2 hours (yes, you read that right) haranguing the poor kid and telling them what an evil person their friend’s Dad is. When the Dad was going to throw a birthday party for one of the kids, the Mom called every parent of every kid in both neighborhoods, the school, and church, and told them not to allow their kid to attend the party “with that evil man” (even though he wasn’t even going to be there… because the party was being hosted by two other adult friends and relatives who were sensitive to the issues). Every day when the kids get home from school, they get a one-hour lecture on how evil their father is. If they are coming home after spending any time with their Dad, then it’s a 2-3 hour raging/screaming/carrying-on rampage about how evil their father is.

The divorce has been finalized for nearly two years now, and pretty much everyone believed (and told the Dad) that the Mom would settle down and back off of all the crazy accusations, once the property settlement and custody stuff were finalized (oh, and it’s a total travesty that this crazy psycho got almost 80% of the marital assets when SHE was the one who caused the whole thing because she couldn’t keep her legs together… but the Dad basically caved in on everything, believing that he was doing the right thing for his kids). Well, she hasn’t. She continues to escalate it.

Keep in mind that there is a H-U-G-E Mother-bias in Texas courts, especially in the rural counties (which this one is); so it is quite unlikely that this Dad could actually win sole custody of his kids… he is very reluctant to attempt any mods to the custody order, because it will most likely be a situation that will put the kids through absolute hell and then they will end up exactly where they are right now. Prior to the separation, PEW openly threatened the Dad on several occasion (in front of the kids, too) that she would kill him if he ever tried to get custody. She has also beaten and scratched him during her rages (prior to him moving out). This of course concerns me for the children’s sake, too, because it seems highly probable that she will someday escalate her abuse of them to a physical point as well. Sadly, when he first moved out of the home to protect himself, he wanted to take the kids with him for their protection, and was advised that if he did, she could easily accuse him of “kidnapping”, and then he would not have a chance in hell of even getting joint custody.

It seems this PEW will fight forever to protect her image. Which means, despite reasonable predictions to the contrary, she will probably NEVER let this thing go. No matter where they move to, or what develops, she will always make it her mission to go around knocking on doors and presenting her lopsided side of the story in
the court of public opinion. It is ruining her children’s lives.

Suggestions, inputs, thoughts, observations, help? Any feedback would be so very very appreciated. I feel so helpless, standing by and watching this family live with this insanity. I’d be willing to consider anyone’s point of view on the situation.

Thanks so much in advance,
JBB

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