PEW’s Brother, EJ, Weighs-In

Yes, I know – I’m jumping back into the past just as we were beginning to launch into the divorce take-off. Too bad! I happened upon this and it gives some insight as to the perceptions of someone on her side of the family.

EJ, who I haven’t profiled, until now, is the oldest brother of the 4 inlaw children. PP is #1. PEW is #2. EJ is #3. EJ was diagnosed with bipolar disorder (as was PP a few years later). PEW and I were instrumental in convincing EJ to voluntarily entered a hospital when he was having a particularly alarming episode. During his 3-day stay, he was diagnosed as bipolar, and started on a regimen of treatment and medication that proved instrumental in helping him get out of a mind-hell that he was living. He was pissed at us for cajoling him into checking himself in. He was in denial for a short period afterwards, but followed the recommendations and really turned things around for himself. He married his beautiful girlfriend, got himself a fantastic job, now has 3 children. He is a prime example of how well things can turn out when you follow the program and take care of yourself in the aftermath of such a diagnosis. PP, on the other hand, is the direct opposite. There must be a psychological case-study in there somewhere.

EJ and I always had a good relationship. He was a funny, caring guy. A big “teddy-bear” if there ever was one. S1 and S2 love him lots, too. Unfortunately, as happens with a divorce, the last time I saw EJ was probably New Year’s Day of 2004. I hear from the kids that he and his family are doing well – at least insofar as the children understand that to be the case.

During a discussion in the aftermath of my being ejected from Christmas 2001, PEW had told me about how everyone was up-in-arms over my allegedly inappropriate behavior. She challenged me to “call EJ and ask him!” I called her bluff and did. He assured me that few, if anyone, expressed any such sentiment. Except for PP, that is.

Following our phone discussion, we had an email exchange… it was December 26th, 2001…

EJ,

I’m not going to excuse-make. Just so you know – as does your sister – I have a zero-tolerance policy on people making fun of the kids. That policy extends to both families, and I give you my personal assurance, me asking your brother, calmly, to “please stop making fun of my kids’ physical attributes was a LOT nicer than what I’ve had to say to my own brothers on rare occasion.

I’ve had enough and I am going to address it on-the-spot no matter who does it. I’ve had enough of dealing with EE, your sister (who has previously called him “psycho” and “serial killer” among other nicities), last night with [your brother] and both [my younger brothers].

The only people who I’ve not had to contend with (excluding the grandmothers and my own father), are you and my brother VAM, who seem to understand the concept of not making fun of young children.

If I was wrong for not taking your brother aside and telling him, I can live with that. Know this – I’ve told your sister to address it with the family in the past, and it clearly hasn’t worked. So I will now address it on a case-by-case basis. I’ll make no apologies for that.

~LM

LM,

I hear you, dude. Even though he was just kidding, S1 is at that age where he understands things better. That is for you and PEW to discuss. PP has NO right. She is a ticking time-bomb!

~EJ

EJ,

WARNING: PEW is going to call you because she alleges that you claimed that I “had no right” and you were “mad at me.”

Again, if that’s the case – we should talk. If it is not – be prepared to be told that is how you should feel. I thought it only fair to warn you. She also said [your fiance] was mad about it.

~LM

LM,

I am not mad and [fiance] definitely is not mad. I never said you had no right. I actually haven’t said a word about it. It went a lot deeper than the issue with [brother], that was obvious. However, any issues that you and PEW have is for you guys to work out. PP should seek help on her own problems before she wants to address others’. I would just like to see you guys work it out. I think no differently man.

~EJ

EJ,

I appreciate the good thoughts, EJ. I mean that.

~LM

LM,

I like you, LM, and so does my family. You probably find that hard to believe at times, but it is very true. Things work themselves out. Everyone goes through their spats.

~EJ

EJ,

Well, your sister is telling me that everyone in the family is alienated from me (a direct quote) and that everyone is pissed at me and that everyone, including [fiance] said that I acted inappropriately.

Now, it is crap like that which prevents us from ever achieving a solution on ANYTHING that she has a problem with.

Those are direct quotes from PEW. Then, when she challenged me to “go on and call EJ” – I told her that I already had talked to you and said no such thing. Sorry to put you on the spot like that, but it needed to be said and I will discuss nothing that you and I have discussed with her. I promise.

~LM

LM,

They love drama, dude. What can I say??? I never said such a thing and to say [fiance] of all people said something to that effect is a total lie. I even talked to [brother] on the phone and he didn’t even seem bothered. Basically, he just took it as you were having a bad day or fighting with PEW. PP was obviously the only one that was vocal. Enough said there. I’m heading out. Give me a call later, I’m going to be setting up the fish tank.

~EJ

If nothing else, EJ sure has his sisters’ number. PP is a ticking time-bomb and they most certainly loved drama (and embellishing and lying and manipulating…) I’ve not heard a cross word during the entire relationship from either of the boy siblings. Quite the contrary, they were often quite sympathetic to me when it came to anything involving the psycho-twins. I’m not sure if that has always been the case, but they’ve never interjected themselves into the drama, and have never confronted me about anything. If they have said anything to PEW or PP negatively, I’d bet money it was simply to “keep the peace” – pretty much like everyone seems to have to do around these two.

 Subscribe in a reader

Ejected from Christmas 2001 Festivities

Back to the good ‘ole days…

Christmas 2001 was a surreal experience. The holiday was already an unmitigated disaster dating back to Thanksgiving. My grandmother had died and PEW saw fit to descend to new depths of disrespect and viciousness. It was pretty tough. I was dreading Christmas at the Dysfunction Compound (the in-laws) but we were going just the same.

The day was progressing innocently enough. That was, until S1 (3-years old at the time) was chasing a toy under the dining room table and smacked his head on a support. No big deal, a short duration of crying and no real damage done. However, one of PEW’s brothers (the most normal one) saw fit to use that situation to make fun of S1’s head and then subsequently his ears.

Remember now, since nearly the birth of S1, I have had to deal with withholding my anger at PEW’s family who are incessant verbal abusers of one another under the guise of being funny. I did (and do) my share of that with my own brothers. I’m sure it exists in most families. This is different. It’s mean-spirited most of the time and not done in true good humor. PEW’s sister and father (no surprise) were masters. Anytime I broached the subject with PEW, she’d have a near panic-attack and assure me that she’d address it. I believe sometimes she did and sometimes she didn’t. However, when no one in your family has any real respect for you, the effect was typically short-lived.

Now, we were all in the living room sitting on various pieces of furniture, I remember I was laying on the floor facing the dining room where S1 had just smacked his head, and PEW’s bro was tending to him. Truth be told, I have no doubt that PEW’s bro was not being malicious. That wasn’t the point. After the 3 comments about the size of S1’s head, and despite S1’s clear upset at it, he made fun of his ears. Twice. I watched the whole thing unfold.

I said something. First time ever.

I wasn’t outraged. I wasn’t loud. In fact, I was trying to be as discreet as possible given the holiday and the company. Low volume, hoping only he would hear it, I simply and calmly said, “Bro, please don’t make fun of S1 like that.”

He didn’t hear what I said and asked, “What?” It was as if someone turned off every noise in the room. I think I may have heard crickets. Still, I calmly repeated myself, “I just asked you to please not make fun of S1’s head or ears.”

Just as he was replying, surprised, “Oh! Okay. I’m sorry” and as he was turning to S1 saying, “Hey, little guy, I’m sorry for saying that.” All hell started to break loose.

PEW got the rage-face on and asked me what I had said as Psycho-SIL (PP) was listening intently to me respond, calmly, “I asked him not to make fun of S1’s head and ears. No big deal.” She began to lay into me about how rude and inconsiderate I was. I said nothing as I rose and removed myself to the kitchen. They followed me (PEW and PP). The volume started rising as the both of them launched into a high-volume, expletive-laced tirade about how it was the holidays and how could I embarrass Bro like that and I should have taken him aside (as if that would have mattered).

My voice rose as I bellowed back, “Everyone needs to calm down. This is no big deal. I made a request of Bro, he acknowledged it and apologized, and everyone needs to stop, especially in front of the kids!”

They didn’t stop. Right then, S1 comes toddling into the kitchen followed by PEW’s mother, MM. Uncharacteristic of her, she yells, too, with S1 standing right there, “All I know is that I can’t stand any more of this fucking bullshit and everyone better stop it!”

At that point, I had nothing more to say. I forget if it was PEW, PP or both of them – I was then ordered to leave. As I looked around the room and no one stepped up to say, “HOLY CRAP, THIS IS A COMPLETE OVER-REACTION” – I kept my mouth shut, walked out of the kitchen, donned my coat, kissed the boys, and left. I got in my car and I drove home on Christmas Day 2001 and spent it watching television alone…

…because I asked someone to stop making fun of my son.

I was ejected from Christmas! I was pissed beyond all reason, but the time alone saw that subside and I just decided that was enough. I wasn’t going to discuss the matter. Lo and behold, I got the silent treatment for most of the rest of the holiday season.

I can’t recall what precipitated this IMversation which occurred on 1/3/2002, based on my re-read, we must have had a serious discussion about things in the day or so prior to it which is when I likely broached the subject of bipolar disorder. Her older brother is diagnosed bipolar (treated and manages it very well last I heard). He had an episode or two a handful of years earlier. Her sister, PP, is diagnosed bipolar and generally was a complete uncontrollable mess during this time (untreated still as far as I know). Further, I had been researching it as the behaviors sort-of matched, and I was feeling like I was reaching my breaking point. So I confronted her about my suspicions. If you’ve read my post titled “When Psycho Sisters Attack“ – you’ll further understand the depths of my fears that these two primarily parent the children when in PEW’s custody.

PEW: got a minute
LM: Yep.
PEW: i just want to make sure before I make the appointment to see a Psychiatrist that we are on the same page
LM: k
PEW: so if the Doctor says that I am “normal”…..we can part ways….amicably??
LM: We’ll see.
PEW: well i need more than we’ll see……i mean that’s pretty much what you’ve been saying all along
LM: Sure.
PEW: sure?
LM: Yep.
PEW: i don’t understand what you are saying
LM: Sure, if you aren’t diagnosed with anything, you go ahead and file. I’ll have been wrong in my beliefs that it can be fixed and you do what you need to do.
PEW: well I can go ahead and file now…..
LM: You sure can.
PEW: the piece that’s missing is your cooperation
LM: There is nothing that I can do to stop you from filing.
—————

How much more “blessing” does she need? I told her to see a psychiatrist of my choosing. If after going through some meaningful therapy she was given a clean bill of mental health – I would give her a divorce.

—————
PEW: i need that so that I can get my half of the house and move etc…. i can’t move with NO money
LM: We’ll do whatever the judge says.
PEW: well I can’t get legal aid unless I move out
LM: Unless ordered by a judge, I will not continue to further bury the family financially.
PEW: i’m kind of in a pinch here
LM: Well, selling the house for you to file for divorce isn’t an option. Sorry. Borrow it from your dad or something. He’ll get his money back when the judge makes us liquidate.
PEW: well then i’ll have to move in with my parents. there isn’t any other option because I can’t get legal aid while we live together and it’s going to be a mess
LM: Sorry.
PEW: it’s a shame really. it’s only one month sooner than I originally said. what’s the problem
LM: Yeah, it’s a shame.
—————

Okay, now after all of these years of badgering me for a divorce, I essentially give her a yellow-light with a green-light pending, and she has a host of demands that I should just willingly go along with so that she can do it with as much ease and without financial burden as possible. Yeah, okay.

—————
PEW: why would you want to be married to a “crazy” anyway
LM: I love you.
PEW: well, I love you too, but #1….I am not going to married to someone who thinks I am Bipolar….
LM: IF you have an illness of some sort, you’re not “crazy.”
PEW: #2 ….I’m not going to be married to someone who is so unpredictable…..
LM: Fine.
PEW: #3…I can’t be married to someone who is at odds with my family
LM: Okay. I’m not at odds with your family.
PEW: you’ you’re not?
LM: Your family is at odds with me because they can’t deal with being told not to make fun of the children.
PEW: yeah. well listen…..I’m not going to the Psychiatrist because, the same thing will be accomplished by me moving in with my parents
—————

Yes, it sure will. Hindsight seems to indicate that you never should have left your parents home. Ever. Between wanting to move our family on top of them to always running and leaving to go stay with them, it was clear that’s where she wanted to be, though Lord only knows why.

—————
LM: No it won’t.
PEW: yeah…it will
LM: And be assured, you’re not moving in with your parents with the boys.
PEW: we’ll go to court….and a judge will decide. what are you going to do. you can’t stop me
LM: I’ll file for custody of the children, ask for an immediate judgement because I can’t have my children living under the same roof with an alcoholic.
PEW: well i’ll just tell the judge that you wouldn’t move out…..so I had to
LM: Nor can I have them exposed to the periodic visits from somebody who is suffering from a mental illness, is prone to violence and stalking, and has tried to kill herself
PEW: he isn’t going to take the kids from me because of my family
LM: Yes, he will. Count on it..
—————

Foolish me believing that would matter. Obviously, based on my post from the other day, none of the (3) custody evaluators, armed with that knowledge, even from PEW’s own mouth and writings… seemed to think that was detrimental to the children, so what the hell do I know?

—————
PEW: you’re prone to violence too. don’t try to scare me LM
LM: I’m not.
PEW: whatever happens ….happens…..i think you’re mentally ill…..i also think you are an alcoholic
LM: Now, this conversation is over. You have your answer.
PEW: so they are better off with me
LM: I refuse to argue with you anymore on any topic.
PEW: well….i’m moving to my parents house
LM: Okay.
PEW: you leave me no other choice
LM: I won’t be home for lunch. I’m going directly to the courthouse. Sorry, you leave me no choice.
PEW: well if you would move out for one month…..
LM: No.
PEW: it would save us both alot of heartache
LM: No it wouldn’t.
PEW: well then i won’t move in with my parents….i’ll take that discover card with the $15000 limit and charge an apartment
LM: If you don’t want to be near me, and your parents is the only place you can go… then you can go there when I get home from work for a month.
PEW: NO. i’m not leaving my kids. no way
LM: Nor am I.
PEW: you can move in with one of your brothers for ONE month
LM: Sorry.
PEW: while we sort this out. you are so mean
—————

There I am again. Mean old me, the big meanie because I won’t do as she commands again. Bastard!

—————
LM: No, I’m not. I only talk to you nicely at home. I’ve told you to do what you feel you need to do. And that is all I have to say on the matter pending a visit to a doctor.
PEW: well i’m not going because after that you’ll just come up with something else. you need the Psychiatrist
LM: Okay… bye-bye.
PEW: if you asked me for a divorce….you’d have it. the discover card it is then
LM: Good luck. It’s in your name. Don’t abuse it.
PEW: so what…i’ll get $30000 when the house sells
LM: You wish. We’ll take a bath on that, too.
PEW: i only need about $2500. no…we won’t. the house is worth about $230000. Plus i’ll get 1/2 of your retirement. both [401K-1] and [401K-2]
LM: lol
PEW: you’re a rotten person
LM: You’ve got it all worked out, don’t you? See ya.
PEW:not really
—————

Isn’t that interesting? Yet another example of how she has all the financials figured out while incessantly accusing me of “only being about the money.” It’s the fallback of many disgruntled ex’s. If you want the children, it must only be because you don’t want to pay child support. It must only be because you want to keep the house “for yourself.” Well, unfortunately, people can’t argue one side of that coin without considering that the other side of that coin has just as much merit. Mothers who want custody of their children must only want them because of the income… the assets… the cars… etc. Classic projection.

I said one sentence at Christmas and I’m the one at odds with her family. I got “thrown-out” of Christmas Holiday, but I’m the one at odds with her family. Half of her family had a meltdown but it’s me. That whole family is a pack of sick people.

Nice pick, eh? Pure genius.

 Subscribe in a reader

The Psycho Ex-Wife Has No Soul. None. 11/29/2001

Later in the day after the events of 11/28/2001, I learned that my grandmother (paternal) had passed away after a long stay in hospice. A combination of a stroke and alzheimer’s disease really had wiped out any memories that she had of us, but she hung in there a lot longer than many in her situation would. She was a tough cookie and I have many fond memories at their home. Especially the food!

One might believe that suffering such a substantial loss would give even the coldest of hearts pause, at least long enough to stop the unending harassment and abusiveness. Not the PEW. Nothing could stop her desire to lay down an assault.

I spent a good portion of my day coordinating with family the arrangements that would be forthcoming. I initiate contact here to keep PEW appraised of the expected schedule for services and burial of grandmom.

LM: Hi
PEW: hi
LM: Here’s the lowdown…
PEW: ok
LM: MJM called and told me to be at [The Funeral Home] between 8:30 and 8:45 AM. Viewing from 9AM – 10AM
PEW: ok
LM: Mass at [The Church] (up the street) at 10:30AM. Lunch/Bereavement “Party” at [The Restaurant] right after. Whatever that means.
PEW: ok
LM: He told me flowers were “taken care of” as well as a rosary from the grandchildren which will be placed inside the coffin.
PEW: oh really?
LM: That’s what he said.
PEW: ok. did you change the paypal email address
—————

Huh? Hey, PEW, my grandmother died. Here are the arrangements. All you care about is what email address is tied to PayPal?

She couldn’t care less. Still, I answer.

—————
LM: Yes. To Hotmail.
PEW: ok
LM: Since we ping it there anyway. And I wasn’t getting all of the notifications to hotmail.
PEW: i know. this S2 is soooo cute. PP (psycho SIL) told me she could handle both kids. what do you think? my mom will be home sometime in the morning. but i’m not sure what time. i don’t know what to do
LM: I dunno. I really don’t think so.
—————

I believe I’ve mentioned before that unstable PP watching the children on her own was a constant bone of contention. I hedge here a bit, but only because I’m in no frame of mind to argue about it at the moment.

—————
PEW: is ZM going? oh
LM: But now she’ll think something.
PEW: hmmm. what should i do
LM: Not good. Shouldn’t have mentioned it to her yet. Unless she just offered?
PEW: i just asked her watch S2 because he’s still strange with people. well she called this morning and said she heard. asked me who was going to babysit
LM: Oh. Darn it.
PEW: i said I didn’t know yet. well….we have the cell phone.
—————

Another classic PEW tactic wasn’t just relegated to the children. I’m set up to be the bad guy. My memory is fuzzy, but earlier this particular year (I think) was the year that PP attempted suicide. So now, everyone was walking on eggshells for fear of driving PP into another suicide attempt. In PEW’s mind, it was safer to let a suicidal, diagnosed bipolar sister who didn’t do anything to help herself watch our children than it was to upset her by saying no. Of course, telling her “I don’t know yet” meant – “I’ll ask LM and he’ll say no and then you can rail against him.”

—————
PEW:i’ll call my mom shortly and see what time she’s coming home. i mean if she’s gonna be home at like 9 it’s no big deal
LM: k
PEW: i could call SS and see if she would take S1….. and i’ll just tell PP (psycho SIL) that SS misses him
LM: k
PEW: is that what I should do?
LM: Give it a shot.
PEW: oh man, i gotta change this baby
LM: She’ll prolly be too busy. Okay, talk to you later.
PEW: he stinks soooooo bad. you call her. i barely ever talk to them. wait till i talk to my mom
LM: k
PEW: my mom may decide to come down tomorrow. after work. bye. oh yes….. and one more thing…..
LM: ?
PEW: I am not ungrateful…. i am happy alot of the time…. but if my memory serves me, we’ve fought about this before. about the flowers for the anniversary or birthday or whatever
—————

She’s relentless. I just want to make arrangements regarding my grandmother’s services and burial, she wants to concern herself with PayPal email addresses and argue more about the Anniversary thing. For chrissakes, my grandmother just died! Shut the hell up about your Anniversary expectations!

So, I ask her nicely to stop…

—————
LM: I would really like a moratorium on discussing this. I promise I won’t miss it again in the future. I can’t go back and change the past. And I only pray that that will be enough to move on.
PEW: well….something isn’t sinking in
LM: Okay, I guess you just won’t stop. So, I’d like a moratorium on discussing this until after my Grandmother is buried. Would that be okay with you?
PEW: that’s fine, but please tell me why would your grandmother dying have anything to do with anything. oh….i know….because it’s convenient for you
—————

Good Lord. Most people would probably think that this is a complete work of fiction. I assure you, it is not. It also gets worse.

—————
LM: I just don’t feel like arguing during the course of the next few days. There are more important things to concern ourselves with.
PEW: like what
LM: But now you’re going to bastardize that, too, because you just… can’t… stop.
PEW: BASTARDIZE WHAT?
LM: Telling me that I’m using my grandmom’s death because it is “convenient” for me. What is convenient is I have no desire to argue about this anymore. I am wrong. I will try to do better in the future. And allowing you a forum to continue to needle me accomplishes nothing. But since you won’t stop, I suppose I will have to log off again.
—————

I’m not sure why I thought being patronizing would stop her. I just wanted her to stop. I took a shot that taking full responsibility for the egregious action of buying her a gold watch instead of flowers for our Anniversary would help. It didn’t.

By the way, as was often the case – I got nothing for our Anniversary. PEW is one of “those women” who thinks that gift-giving on such occasions is something only the man has to do.

————–
PEW: no i will….but don’t expect me to act like I believe that you are admitting that you did anything wrong. your grandmother dying doesn’t change the way I feel… sorry
LM: Yes, I understand. Another lose-lose.
PEW: i’ll log off
LM: If I say I’m wrong and apologize… it just isn’t enough.
PEW: yeah….remember i was supposed to buy you flowers. remember. so…if you thought you were wrong, why not say it back thenb
LM: What I think you should have done has no bearing on my admitting I was wrong. You wanted flowers, I didn’t get them. I just don’t appreciate the “one-way” street where your concerned.
PEW: what one way street?
LM: WE celebrate our anniversary as TWO people.
PEW: that’s such bullshit
—————

Of course it’s BS. It’s always about her. What she wants. What she desires. What she deserves. To hell with everyone else.

—————
LM: So, therefore, when you go spouting off about what you should have gotten, I see no reason why I shouldn’t be entitled to the same thing.
PEW: yeah and I do alot of shit for you that other women don’t do on a daily basis for their husbands
LM: That thought doesn’t change the fact that I should have gotten you flowers. Okay. Now, that is the end of it. I have nothing more to say on the subject.
PEW: well i’ve told you before if that’s how you feel about the situation then i am in the wrong relationship
LM: I was wrong. I apologize. And I won’t fail again.
PEW: FUCK YOU
LM: Grow up, PEW.
PEW: don’t expect me to act like you’re wonderful now because your grandmother died, fuck you
—————

Nice talk. She’s a frigging demon. She is.

—————
LM: You’re unconscionable.
PEW: no you are. i’m sick of you
LM: I just want you to leave me be for a few days. That’s all.
PEW: yes i know because you’re greiving
LM: But you are just SO mean and vindictive, you can’t even respect that.
PEW: give me a fucking break
LM: So, thank you. You can stay the hell home. We don’t need a babysitter. I don’t want you there. Because you can’t stop being mean for two stinking days. And then go back to it afterwards. I didn’t say “treat me nice.” I didn’t say “forgive me.” I didn’t say “I didn’t do nothing wrong” and I didn’t say “forget about what happened.” I asked, nicely, for a simple moratorium, and you couldn’t do that. What a shame.
—————

And stay home she did.

 Subscribe in a reader

Laying the Groundwork to Destroy Another Christmas (2001)

We normally decorate for the Christmas Holiday right after Thanksgiving Day. I’ll go up in the attic and drag down everything for both the interior and the exterior of the house. It is a lot. I used to risk life and limb to climb up onto the roof of the house and lay out all the lights. I won’t say it was as aggressive as Clark Griswold’s efforts in the Vacation movies, but it would prompt a good-natured ribbing from friends and family.

Today’s episode lays out the effort of PEW who predictably begins laying the groundwork for another miserable Christmas season. What starts off as a question about a doctor’s appointment quickly descends into an unholy hellraising over holiday decorating. It was 11/28/2001.

PEW: do you have vacation days left?
LM: I wish, but no.
PEW: great
LM: What’s up?
PEW: well i have to make an appt for the epidural and someone will need to watch the kids
LM: When?
PEW: i don’t know yet, i have to call
LM: Hey, if I need to take a day off for that, I’ll take it. Only caveat is that you should make it for after next week. I have the audit next week.
PEW: whatever
LM: I’ll probably be working some amount of “late” between now and then to prepare.
PEW: also, what are your plans for Saturday. between 11-3 i’ll need you to occupy the kids
LM: Nothing at this point… I know you have the thingy. Yeah. Okay.
PEW: great……i can already tell this is going to be another happy holiday season
—————

Did you catch that? Were you paying attention? Right there out of the air the shift occurs. Of course, I’ll jump right in as I always have and allow the madness to escalate.

—————
LM: ??? It’s as happy as you decide to make it.
PEW: just the usual bullshit…..fantasy football, ebay, your cheapness. i fucking love it
LM: You’re back into making every move I make into some sort of effort to make you miserable, and I’m not doing any such thing.
PEW: no i’m not…..i don’t think you do it on purpose
LM: Fantasy football? When the heck have I done anything ff related that has interfered with anything?
PEW: yeah you do it all at work
—————

So, do I do it all at work or does it interfere with everything on the home front? Which is it?

—————
LM: I send an email on Tuesday. I do moves on Thursday or Friday night. And I get automatic emails sent to me from the website for information.
PEW: yeah well, i noticed you got that movie and we never watched it
—————

I know it’s tough, but stick with the chain of tangents. So far… doctor appointment – miserable holiday – fantasy football – eBay… and we’re only seconds into the IM assault.

—————
LM: Stop looking for more stuff to argue about.
PEW: i’m sick of being shit on all the time
LM: Stop it, PEW.
PEW: when was the last time you gave S2 a bath. or S1 for that matter
LM: It’s been a while.
PEW: all I asked last night was that I could do “a little” more decorating. and you couldn’t even give me that
LM: Yes, I could. Was there something that was preventing you from doing it?
PEW: no …you had ebay to do
—————

PEW was still at stay-at-home mom at that point. It was possible, but things were tight. I supplemented the household income by successfully selling on eBay. It was like having a part-time job without ever having to leave the house. 95% of my home efforts with eBay were done after the children were in bed, when I would stay up until midnight or 1AM several nights per week to ensure I had a steady stream of stuff going out the door. It was an absolute necessity. That would account for the lull in bath-giving. Sometimes I would get started with the work as she prepared the children for bed.

—————
PEW: yeah…the kids needed tending to
LM: Or did you, as usual, just not do it so that you could have something else to be miserable about?
PEW: you can’t pack stuff
LM: Yes, I can.
PEW: and take care of them
LM: Yes, I have in the past.
PEW: no you can’t
LM: I most certainly can, and have. You just want to be miserable again, as usual. I can’t help that.
PEW: yeah…….
LM: S1 has helped me pack and had fun doing it.
PEW: meanwhile…..S1 doesn’t even know how to kick a ball. or catch a ball
—————

S1 is 3-years old at this point. Not only could he catch a ball, at least as well as any 3-year old, he could kick and kick well. Not just balls.

However, this was a common belief for her. When she wasn’t around, I simply stashed the children in a corner somewhere and did nothing with them. When she had a part-time evening job, she knew what I was doing and not doing telepathically, apparently. She was very creepy and her unfounded accusations knew no bounds.

PEW is one of those mothers who apparently can do NOTHING else in tandem with having children awake and around. I could. In this specific instance, I explain what the children do with me when I would have to pack items for shipment. As if she cared one way or the other.

—————
LM: S2 has sat there and scrunched papers when I’ve packed. Yes, he does.
PEW: well S1 was following me all around the house
LM: S1 was not. He was sitting there watching a movie.
PEW: he was too. i’m talking about before that. lord knows he needs to watch more TV
LM: Before that – I wasn’t doing Ebay stuff, and you weren’t decorating.
PEW: yeah OK
LM: Ok.
PEW: i’m so sick of you
LM: Just sticking to the facts, PEW.
PEW: i’m sick of the whole ebay thing too……
LM: I know you are.
PEW: i don’t know why I don’t just get a fucking job
LM: But you’d have nothing to bitch about, because if we didn’t have it – we wouldn’t pay bills.
PEW: i know why….because you still won’t help me out
LM: And you simply choose not to get a job. AND… on top of that, you wouldn’t find a job where you would bring home as much as the eBay money.
—————

This is a critical point. I was effectively working two jobs to make sure we could make ends meet and it meant absolutely nothing to her. My working two jobs to maintain her lifestyle and her ability to stay at home (her choosing) merited nothing but grief because I wasn’t doing (in her eyes) enough other stuff, too. I guess she didn’t anticipate that parenting a real child was a little more difficult than playing with a frigging doll. You can’t put real children away because it’s too much trouble.

—————
PEW: yeah because then both of our kids would be sitting in front of the TV every night of the week while you continue to do your own thing
LM: You conveniently forget that there were simply no problems last time you were working evenings. You just imagine that there would be, and use me as an excuse. That’s all. And you’re wrong about that, too. I read S1 several books almost every night. And I roll around on the floor with S2. So stop inventing stuff again, PEW. Try to stick to reality.
PEW: reality is….i wake up in the morning, diaper both kids, feed both kids, dress both kids……while you take a 1/2 hr shit… sip coffee… read the paper, take a 20 minute shower… i should say, slurp coffee
LM: Reality is… I get up at 7 (or later) – the kids are typically sleeping when I am starting to get ready… and then I leave for work.
PEW: S1 is always up
LM: However, if you would like me to get up at 6, wake the kids up, feed them and dress them, by golly – I will surely do that. No, he isn’t. He wasn’t up this morning. He wasn’t up yesterday.
—————

Not only are the kids generally asleep, she was still asleep. As usual, PEW never let reality get in the way of a good fictional account that was in keeping with her delusions.

Everytime the children were awake when I was up and about and getting ready for work, I changed them, fixed their beds, fed S2 and got S1’s breakfast ready – all while she was still in bed. She would typically get out of bed when I announced that I was leaving for work.

—————
PEW: i was up 4x with S2. last night
LM: And the last two days, I didn’t even get out of bed until almost 7:30. Reality PEW – stick to reality.
PEW: well change him then
LM: He was ASLEEP WHEN I GOT UP… both days, PEW. Reality. Stick to reality.
PEW: well change him when he gets up
LM: I was in the shower both days when he got up.
PEW: and how the hell do you sleep thru S2 4x last night
LM: Could be because I was doing listing until 12AM.
PEW: tough shit
LM: I can’t help that I didn’t hear him.
PEW: well you’ll be hearing him from now on
LM: How the hell do you get cranky about it, when all you have EVER needed to do is nudge me and tell me it is my turn? No problem, PEW. Never has been. Next fictional issue?
PEW: well since last night S1 was in our bed….i couldn’t nudge you
LM: Yes, you could have. Try again.
PEW: and i tried to wake you when S1 came in because i have excrutiating pain in my back and his bed makes it worse…. but you didn’t wake up then either
LM: Then don’t go in his bed. Bullshit. You can wake me up. Stop inventing stuff, PEW. If you have to bang a pot with a metal spoon – you can wake me up.
—————

An uncanny ability to lay the blame at my feet for the oddest stuff. It’s my fault she couldn’t wake me up. It’s the baby’s fault she couldn’t wake me up. She has no ability to wake me up. She just can’t. I’m not kidding. From her description, I would have to have been dead.

—————
PEW: i don’t need to invent stuff
LM: You’ve invented a lot of stuff in this very conversation.
PEW: bullshit
LM: Like “I” was the reason you didn’t decorate last night.
PEW: like what
LM: Like “all our kids do is watch TV at night.”
PEW: it’s true
LM: No it isn’t.
PEW: well if it was up to you. this is just more AMMO for me
LM: Wrong.
PEW: no flowers at the anniversary…..
LM: Poor, poor PEW.
PEW: barely any help with the kids. that’s right
LM: Isn’t happy unless she is miserable.
PEW: tight wad
LM: So she invents her own misery. Yep – look at our checkbook, genius. That is why I’m a “tightwad.” You see, unlike you – I care about being able to pay the bills. You don’t.
PEW: you could afford flowers. cheapo
LM: Well, I afforded a watch for you instead. Sorry, you ungrateful snit. But that is your usual MO.
—————

Yes, the graciousness of a loving spouse. I buy her a watch that probably cost 10-times that of flowers (not that price should matter, right?) – and I’m in trouble on our Anniversary because I didn’t get her flowers. Entitlement issues?

—————
PEW: well…sell the fucking watch. you’re the ungreatful one
LM: It is too much money… it isn’t enough money… it wasn’t on your “list”… the timing wasn’t right for you…
PEW: it doesn’t even fit me. i can’t wear it
LM: Any excuse to make a problem out of something.
PEW: it doesn’t fucking fit
LM: Any excuse. Any. Any excuse.
PEW: yeah
LM: Keep on whining.
PEW: fucking jew
LM: Grow up, PEW. You’re 33 years old, not 6. Try to discuss things like an adult and not like your 3-year old son.
PEW: don’t tell me to grow up….. why don’t you grow up
LM: Awwww… that is such a shame.
PEW: gay rod. gay boy
—————

There she is again in all her glory. This is a grown, adult woman. She has two young children. She acts like a grade-schooler, consistently and without fail.

—————
LM: lol I can’t believe what a child you are when you don’t get your way. Unbelievable.
PEW: what way? what is my way that I didn’t get??
LM: Go back and re-read your own whining. I’m moving on to more grown up things… like work. Go whine to S1. He could probably relate to it more than I can.
PEW: I can’t believe my husband is such a selfish jerk that when he stopped at 7-11….he couldn’t even pick up a bunch of flowers
LM: Get over it, whiner.
PEW: cheap cheap, selfish pig
LM: Gimme the watch back and I’ll go get you flowers, whiner.
PEW: take it back….i can’t wear it because it doesn’t fit
LM: Okay.
PEW: but I know you’ll never have it sized
LM: You’re right, I’ll get you flowers instead. So sorry I disappointed you.
PEW: I had to have W. size the last one you gave me. you always dissappoint me
LM: I know… that’s the funny thing… it matters not the cost, not the “thought” as you so grossly lie about, not about when, not about how, not about the loving thoughts that pop up when I think of something or come across something. You’re just miserable.
PEW: the only thing NOT dissappointing about you is our kids
LM: No thanks to me, of course, because “you’re with them 24-7,” right? It’s a treasure watching you go out of your way to make the holidays miserable every year. I look forward to it every year, and you don’t fail to disappoint. Thanks again.
—————

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYONE!

This Christmas would be a doozy. Also, I would find out that my grandmother had died shortly after this exchange. Click here to see how that wouldn’t stop her from being abusive.

 Subscribe in a reader

Don’t Hang Up On ME!!! 11/14/2001

Over the years, as my own siblings’ families have grown, juggling in-laws, children, holidays, birthdays becomes a management nightmare. You try to fit everyone in as best you can. You try to attend everything you can. With holidays, some people will not be satisfied with where you go, for how long, in whichever year – no matter how hard you try. Many of us deal with it. Ultimately, you just make a decision and roll with it.

My decision has always been that every other year, every other family will be visited as primary (if not sole) host of whatever holiday is happening. That would go for the “majors” – Christmas, Thankgiving, and Easter. Christmas wasn’t so bad because you can always do something at the other’s family on Christmas Eve or the day after. Still, especially in my family which had been spreading out and weren’t always as local as PEW’s, someone was going to be mad. This IMversation was a smaller part of the discussion.

The main reason for this fight was that S2, my little peanut, was 6-months old and doing my favorite thing – sleeping on my chest while I laid on the sofa. I was watching a hockey game. PEW came downstairs and commanded that I take the baby to bed and freaked out when I ignored her and didn’t take him upstairs. She started raging worse. I think I told her to “shut the hell up – I’ll take the baby upstairs when I’m good and ready.” That’s all I said during what was at least a 15-minute freak-out. As she continued to rage and the baby continued to sleep, I laid there, focused on the game, as if she wasn’t even in the room. Soon, she retreated.

The next day, with her IM muscles on, the assault continued… when she called and started ranting, I hung up on her.

PEW: don’t hang up on ME!
LM:: I don’t have time for your rants which go off on tangents. If you want to stick to the subject at hand, I’ll be too glad to talk to you…
PEW: Ok…well you fucking remember this in March asshole. March is 3 months away….and I’m keeping fucking notes
—————

PEW had come up with this bizarre edict that essentially was – in order for our marriage to survive, she needed 6-months of argument-free, wedded-bliss, or it was over. As you can see, we’re off to a great start.

—————
LM:: …but starting in on me, my family, and whatever else you want to go off on, I have no time for it.
PEW: yeah well…you better hope I don’t see [your brother] on line or something
LM:: And I will now put you in my block list, because I’ve also grown tired of your “March” threats any time we have a disagreement.
PEW: like I need him trying to start shit between us. Well you seem to forget about it. but I don’t
LM:: And I will tell you something else – you’re forbidden to address anything with my brother, otherwise, it will be open season on your family every time they do something which I don’t agree with.
PEW: everytime something like this happens…i remember why. i don’t care if it’s open season on my family. go to town. i don’t care
—————

Oh yes she did care. It was a bone of contention for years since S1 was born. I despised the way her family treated the children. From her father tickling them until they were sick or crying… teaching them inappropriate songs… teaching the children to choke each other… the list is long. She feared my addressing these things with her family, always professing to take care of it herself. If she did, it was ineffective because no one in her family has any respect for her. The other option was that she wouldn’t address it and I would be left twisting in the wind again. Never, ever did she “allow” me to address these issues when they arose with her family.

When we get to Christmas this year (2001) – you’ll see why. Hang in there, it’s only a month away!

This would set the tone for Thanksgiving. PEW had a knack for having a nuclear explosion just before most major holidays in time to ruin them and blame me. Usually, it was followed up by a meltdown on the day in question.

—————
LM:: Remember it is because you get a weed up your ass over things that don’t need to have a weed up your ass about.
PEW: what worse can happen besides my sister trying to kill herself
LM:: Know this – I DON’T spend “24/7” with the kids, so when I want to hold one of them while they sleep and not take them upstairs on your command – I don’t expect you to get pissed off at me for it.
PEW: Well then you should sit in the rocker in his room when he’s asleep not watch a hockey game
LM:: I’ll sit wherever I want when he is sleeping, and I will expect that you’re not entitled to get pissed off at me about it.
—————

THAT’S RIGHT! Does anyone else find this completely insane? The baby is comfortable and sleeping. I’m enjoying having him on me asleep. She is demanding, literally ordering me to take the sleeping child to bed. This is the real issue, but watch as she shifts gears and brings up another issue…

—————
PEW: your brother was trying to start shit between us……
LM:: No he wasn’t.
PEW: like you don’t already start enough shit
LM:: Stop making every disagreement something about you.
PEW: and you let him believe that you spend so much time with my family
LM:: My brother is jealous that I’m going elsewhere for Thanksgiving, that is the long and short of it.
PEW: it was
LM:: It was not.
—————

Mentioned in the opening of this post, one of my brothers was particularly vocal about how infrequently our entire family had the ability to get-together and he felt I should be at Thanksgiving with our family every year. I sympathized but didn’t agree and I alternated most major holidays between the families. His main point was that we get to spend a great deal of time with her family and did regularly. However, it wasn’t often that all of our family could get together and that should take priority given how infrequently it occurs. I appreciated his point but was sticking with my decision.

Of course, PEW made the discussion about her and her family when it had nothing to do with her or her family at all. Unfortunately, she overheard my discussion with my brother and knew that he was doing his best to try to change my mind. I wouldn’t.

—————
PEW: well just so there’s no mistake in the future….i’m going to make sure he knows not to fuck with an already fragile relationship. if he gives a shit about his nephews. as far as what happened last night…… just do it again see what happens i fucking dare you
LM:: Why is it every time we disagree, we’re suddenly “fragile” again? You better get a grip on yourself, PEW.
PEW: suddenly. July was only 2 months ago
LM:: Yeah, suddenly. Things are going just fine, and we have a disagreement, and you start tossing out your “March” threats again.
PEW: i need about six months of solid relationship. it’s not sudden
LM:: Well, solid relationships have disagreements in them. So if you are expecting no disagreements in the “6 month grace period” – you might as well start getting your paperwork ready. It’s how you handle those situations that determine whether or not things remain “solid.”
PEW: well i’m not going to wait the rest of my life for you to STOP being an asshole….. you can stop by March…..or find a new wife. i don’t give a shit
LM:: And right now, you’re the one not handling things very well.
PEW: neither are you
LM:: Well, disagreeing with your handling of the situation isn’t being an “asshole” except because you disagree with my point of view. I can accept that. You disagree.
PEW: I was doing great until your ASSHOLE fucking brother started his fucking shit again every fucking year. did you miss the part where I was crying yesterday
LM:: No, you, as usual, made it somehow personal against you, and it simply is not. No, I didn’t forget.
PEW: the shit i’ve put up with with you and YOUR family
LM:: And I can understand why.
PEW: so far……
LM:: He simply doesn’t realize the importance of the day for you and your family, and I set him straight, whether he agrees or not.
—————

I believe I’ve given a very reasonable explanation of the situation and the matter between my brother and I was settled, even if there was no agreement. I stood my ground, gave my reasons why, and moved on. Yet, PEW still rails in all of her glory about it. Oh, but wait – she shifts again!

—————
PEW: i’ve had your best friend tell me that he is in love with you and he thinks you are gay…..
LM:: You’re going in my block list if you don’t stop it. Stop it right now.
—————

Ummm… to the best of my knowledge, this is a complete fabrication.

—————
PEW: i’ve had your brother MJM tell me that he should take my dogs to the pound because the dog’s bed was dirty…..
LM:: None of that has anything to do with last night’s disagreement. One last time. Knock it off. Please. Get over it already. Grow the hell up.
PEW: then…..I put up with your Father’s shit continuiously…..
LM:: You haven’t put up with anything from my father. Get over it.
PEW: then there’s the shit I tolerate from VM&DR
LM:: I put up with your racist family.
PEW: racist??
LM:: I put up with your father teaching shit to my kids that is inappropriate
PEW: explain that? I put up with your violent temper
LM:: You want to go family member for family member, PEW, or do you want to stop badgering me?
PEW: and your asshole personality. sure we could
LM:: It’s wrong. So, if you want to lower yourself to these repeated childish antics, knock yourself out. Otherwise, stick to the topic at hand, which is, you don’t agree with how I handled last night.
PEW: that’s just one more thing to add to the pile of shit. don’t fuck with me
LM:: Stop threatening me.
PEW: you heard me
LM:: Get a grip on yourself and try acting like a reasonable adult.
PEW: you
LM:: Stop with the insults, stop with the insulting my family, and discuss something that bothers you like a reasonable human being.
PEW: I didn’t insult your family….I was merely stating factual information. they treat me like a peice of shit and always have
LM:: You’re insulting my family and grossly overstate reality. They do not.
PEW: and my family treats you nice despite the fact that you’ve man handled me on occasion. they do
LM:: Dear God in Heaven. Get over this.
PEW: not in this lifetime
LM:: I’ve made mistakes in my life and I regret them.
PEW: yeah so have I. mostly having to do with Men
LM:: But stop pontificating as if you haven’t “man-handled” me on occasion, like your shoving me into the wall last week when I was holding S2. Or did you forget doing that?
PEW: you shoved me asshole
LM:: Oh yeah, selective memory at it again.
PEW: no you shoved me….i said excuse me and tried to walk by you. yeah this is the part where you act like….i’m the one with the problem
LM:: Go find reality and then come back and try to talk to me like a normal human being. I’ve had enough of your mindless rants.
—————

Aside from the “dog bed” story, which one of my brothers said to be funny, not malicious – the rest is either grossly embellished or complete fabrication. Especially the one about walking down the hallway with S2. It’s a complete reversal of what happened. She “checked” me, like a hockey player into the wall as I was heading towards the bedrooms with S2 in my arms. Hard enough for me to fall into the wall because, obviously, I wasn’t expecting it. Yet, here she is and her recollection is that, while holding the baby in my hands, I somehow managed to shove her into the wall. She did this often when it came to domestic violence in our home, as rare as it was.

This is why I’m so very serious when I say that the longer you stay in a relationship with a BPD or an NPD, you will question your own sanity. You will start to be trained into believing that these incidents are entirely your fault. You’ll believe that something is wrong with you.

When you get yourself so deep that this is what is happening – getting out of it is so much more difficult.

 Subscribe in a reader

No. Wait. Things Were Better Before We Moved.

10-days after the last documented “Dance of Dysfunction” as seen in the Things Will Be Different If We Move post, we have another go’round.

I haven’t pointed it out, though you may have noticed, occasionally I will start an IM discussion about something normal, and she is just seemingly compelled to use it as an excuse to drag us into the pit of instant-message hell. S2 is 4-months old at this point and I was going to be taking him somewhere, probably a walk, and I didn’t know if we had a tote that the baby could flop around in. I couldn’t remember if we had one from S1 or not.

Now we’ve moved and things were supposed to be different, but here we are not a month past settlement and I’ve been threatened with divorce, financial devastation, the loss of the children a number of times already. The process accelerated after we moved, quite frankly. To this day, a little part of me thinks that this was actually planned well in-advance. Just how far in advance, I care not speculate. It was bad enough as it was.

LM: Do we have a “belly-pack” for S2?
PEW:: no
LM: I don’t think we want to be carting him around in that seat.
PEW:: he’s too heavy for one of those
LM: REALLY?!?!
PEW:: he can’t go in the stroller
LM: We can’t find a “bigger” one or something? Oh, yeah, I guess he can, can’t he? Duh.
PEW:: i guess. can i ask……..what does your family know of our problems??
—————

There’s the shift. As I think back, it’s hard for me to even recall a time where we had normal “IMversations.” I guess they may have occurred. Of course, if they did, I had no reason to save them. Still, the frequency of the IMs, emails, phone calls, etc. is rather alarming. Understate much?

—————
LM: Nothing.
PEW:: interesting
LM: Probably last time mentioned I was going to counseling and stuff. I get the occasional “How is everything” and I give the same ole “Fine.” Why? Did something happen?
PEW:: well, last week when your mom called…she asked me if I had gone back to the Doctor’s….. which I thought was strange since S2 is 4 months old. that was right after you told me you thought I was bipolar
—————

We have a 4-month old who, when born went straight to NICU. While there, an oversight occurred which resulted in an IV infiltrating causing a wound that took a long time to heal. The boy’s grandmother’s question is not unusual, except to the paranoid mind – one that would want her behavior kept secret at all costs.

—————
LM: MY GOODNESS! The LAST person I would tell is my Mom.
PEW:: well….then DR [LM’s SIL] asked me how “everything else” was going and I don’t remember telling her anything
LM: Did you tell her about going to the Dr’s and not being able to get him shots? And then maybe she was seeing if you got back to get them? That’s not unusual.
PEW:: no…she was talking about my Doctor
—————

Now that I think back on it. It’s not possible she was talking about “her doctor.” If no one told her she was seeing a doctor, DR would have no cause to ask about “her doctor.” Fact is, PEW has no clue what doctor DR was talking about, but one thing I know is for sure, DR wasn’t talking about “her doctor.”

—————
LM: Hmmm. I have no clue.
PEW:: ok
LM: You’re back?
PEW:: well let’s just clear the air about my mental health. i’m not bipolar. i’m not crazy. i’m not “losing my marbles”. i have some depression and anxiety. as i’m sure you do from time to time. the situation with S1 and the baby is upsetting. my sister saw him today…he pinched S2 and slapped him. he’s not always being mean….I never said that
LM: Ok.
PEW:: but the majority of the time I spend during the day is correcting him …..for it…so I think I should know what the norm is…..that’s why I was so pissed
LM: So, how do I get to ask questions and discuss the matter without you freaking out on me and asking me why I’m asking?
PEW:: i don’t know
—————

Hey! Thanks for the help. Now I know why my parents always got so annoyed at the “I don’t know” reply when they asked a question about something that was probably of importance. Lucky for them, they didn’t have to deal with it from an alleged grown-up.

Also, the rare times she came remotely close to acknowledging that something isn’t quite right with herself, she couldn’t do it without the obligatory “as I’m sure you do from time to time” or similar language. That’s her way of telling herself she’s normal.

—————
LM: Why do I get the “rolleyes” when I say that his being affectionate is “not unusual” for him?
PEW:: because you have NO clue
LM: Why do I feel like I’m calling you a liar when I say simply the truth… that what you’re telling me, while true, is something I haven’t seen regularly? And… why isn’t he slapping and pinching him when I am home in even remotely the frequency you describe? These are honest questions that need to be dealt with.
PEW:: because there are two of us, when you are home. S1 doesn’t feel as left out I guess
LM: If they are going to be met with paranoia and accusations and questioning, then you’ll have to deal with it on your own.
PEW:: i’m going to video tape it all day tomorrow
—————

Oh no she won’t. She didn’t. She didn’t because she was off her rocker. The tape probably wouldn’t have shown me anything other than normal child behavior. Normal freshly 3-years old behavior with a new sibling in the house. If the tape did that, she wouldn’t be able to have some excuse to bitch incessantly about having to be a parent. When in doubt, blame someone else… even the kids.

—————
LM: Otherwise, I need straight answers without the attitude. I think that we can start by telling him that he is only allowed to touch S2’s hands and feet until he gets a little bigger. And make sure that’s all he does. Repeatedly. Just as a start.
PEW:: LM……just don’t intimate again that I have some type of mental illness or am having a breakdown
LM: Well, I apologize if my concerns bother you. I won’t do it again.
PEW:: well I’m concerned about you too
LM: I know.
PEW:: you are way more “off” than I am
—————

Turn the projector on.

—————
LM: Enough.
PEW:: well it’s true. do you need me to tell you why
LM: I’m not the one who now not only freaks out and screams at the drop of a hat, you’re also cursing and namecalling beyond all control again.
PEW:: interesting. how things change. you’ve totally taken the trust out of our relationship….so now I don’t even feel like we’re friends anymore. i can’t talk to you anymore
LM: I’m the one who gets questioned about why I ask certain questions, what my motivations are, and yet – you tell me that I’m the one who has taken trust out?
PEW:: yeah, that’s what i’m telling you
—————

Yeah. That’s normal.

—————
LM: Okay.
PEW:: I can’t discuss my feelings with you either
LM: Your feelings are typically barrages of accusations about things dating back years… and they are typically accompanied by namecalling, cursing, and other nonproductive stuff. It’s hardly a “discussion” of feelings and is more like a constant put-down of me and everything about me.
PEW:: well then, why not divorce me LM???? i really need to know the answer to that?
LM: Well, as usual, I’m at work. I’ve not the time to discuss our personal issues over IM at work. Sorry.
PEW:: i’m really tired of hearing how horrible I am too, you know really tired
LM: I’m sure you are. It’s pretty tough to discuss the things I love about you when you are spewing all of this hate towards me.
PEW:: hate?
LM: Ummmm… yes. You’ve not only used that word specifically on many occasions… the repeated “fucking assholes” from last night weren’t terms of endearment the last time I checked.
PEW:: well LM, when someone says….”I really care about you, but we’ve been pretty miserable together” Can I have a divorce?” and you say NO….for the 10th time….the other person starts to resent it. I feel like a prisoner in my own life. it makes us both feel pretty bad about our lives
—————

She feels like a prisoner in her own life? Holy crap, woman! She had no idea. None. I no longer have a shred of sympathy for her plight, sad as that may seem, but imagine how terrifying it must be to go through life like the PEW. Imagine that this is your reality. Then shudder.

All I care about is finding ways to mitigate the impact on my children. That’s it.

—————
LM: Don’t speak for me.
LM: Please.
PEW:: what?? things were going good though. before we moved
—————

Read it again, folks. “Things were going good, though. BEFORE WE MOVED.” You have got to be friggin’ kidding me.

—————
LM: We’ve certainly endured some significant low points, particularly recently, but I have lot to feel happy about and a ton to look forward to if we just work together. Yes, I know things were going good, and then I made the mistake of having feelings about certain situations, and despite going with your desires, still got in trouble, and continue to get in trouble over them. Then, I’m called “gay” because I have opinions about how to decorate a house… and a whole host of other things like I should just “shut my mouth” and agree with whatever you want. I didn’t cause that to happen.
PEW:: ok, so if I said….I’m the bad guy, would that make a difference?? i’m sorry that I can’t seem to accept your personality
LM: No, because I think that those things can be overcome.
PEW:: i’m sorry
LM: Call me a hardhead, but I think that this marriage and our family is worth it.
PEW:: well, I like who I am and I am not about to change for you. sorry. and you are NOT going to change for me
LM: Okay… I have work to do now… so if you’ve said your peace for the time being… I’d like to get back to it.
PEW:: fine
LM: Thank you.
—————

God or an angel or something or someone must have been watching over me. I cannot explain to you how I survived all of this.

 Subscribe in a reader

"Things Will Be Different If We Move" – She Lied

Between the last moving discussions and the following discussion, a lot had happened. S2 was born in May. We sold the house, getting within a few grand of our asking price despite PEW’s protestations that we were horribly overpriced. We settled in August.

She got what she asked for. We moved. Everything would be different if we just moved, right? Everything was going to be all right. Wouldn’t it? In the 3-weeks starting almost from the day we made settlement, it was all the same. Deep down, I probably knew it would be. Oh, and after all that raging debate over where we were moving, we moved exactly 2-miles away, remaining in the same town. Not that I wasn’t pleased. It was a nice home on a nice street in a great neighborhood, walking distance to the elementary school, still 5-minutes from work, on a nice piece of ground.

We had 2 dogs and no fence and little spare money post-settlement to have someone do it completely. So, with the help of a few friends, I had the materials delivered. I rented a power-auger. For 3 consecutive weekends from nearly dawn until dusk, I was digging post-holes and installing fencing around the better part of a half-acre. Keep in mind, she wanted the fence because it was too much of a burden to walk the dogs. At the same time, she still wanted them to get their exercise. For me, it was a good idea because I didn’t want the youngsters walking off. It took exactly 1 weekend longer than planned. It was a load of work. My friends helped me get the holes dug. I physically installed all of the fencing. I did a great job. I was proud.

When I came in the house after finally finishing and looking for a pat on the back… and I can remember this quite vividly… she was standing at the sink and she was immediately angry. The accolades I received so lovingly were, “Good. I’m glad that’s finally fucking finished. I had to take care of the fucking kids all three weekends.”

Aside from being a load of bunk, because I was there and took regular breaks to come in and help out, as well as cook dinners, I was also there to help with their baths and getting them ready for bed.

I can’t specifically recall who I stayed with, but I think I simply turned on my heels, walked out the front door, and stayed elsewhere for until well into the night. It was either my oldest brother or one of the guys who helped me with the post-hole digging (a lifelong friend). After working my ass off in the hot August heat, I just wasn’t going to listen to it.

She stewed a while and then came up with this:

It was September 10th, 2001.

LM: Hey! I just realized that I have school tonight.
PEW: yeah i know
LM: k
PEW: i need to know if you are going to help me out here….. if not i’m going to have to use my 401k
LM: PEW, this is neither the time nor the place to discuss this right now. So I’m begging you to please not ask me about the situation over IM while I’m at work. please.
PEW: i can’t file for anything until I move out. it’s not like I haven’t been asking for a divorce for 2 years. enough is enough. you’ve had plenty of time to mull this over. i have NO choice
LM: I still want to go to counseling together.
PEW: if i don’t then it’ll get ugly. please LM. i don’t
LM: Okay then.
PEW: i’m sorry….i do love you on some level
LM: Discussion is over. This is an inappropriate forum for this discussion. Sorry.
PEW: well when can we. let’s make an appt then
LM: k. Tonight?
PEW: last night you told me we couldn’t discuss it. ok fine
LM: Last night I needed a break from the barrage of bashing.
PEW: either way….we’re splitting up. OH PLEASE….i’m the one who needs a break from the bashing
LM: Stop it, please.
—————

Things will be different if we move.

—————
PEW: let me just warn you…..if you raise your voice to me once tonight….i’m calling the police. so….this is your last opportunity to hash it out without the risk of that happening
—————

Things will be different if we move.

—————
LM: I’m not going to raise my voice. I’m going to say let’s make arrangements for together counseling, we went to individual counseling long enough. And tell you that I don’t want to split. That’s all I have to say on the subject.
PEW: well there really isn’t anything to talk about other then….”No I don’t want to work on it anymore”…..now what. i’m VERY UNHAPPY. i want a divorce. i’m miserable. for the past 2-1/2 years. it’s been long enough….can i please have a divorce and have my half of the house so I can start a life for myself. your support payments are going to be about $350 a week….so you can’t keep the house….I’m sorry
—————

Look out! Now we see she’s starting to venture a little further down the path. She’s got her extra meal ticket, she’s clear of the house I owned before we got together, and she has the weekly pay-out almost down to the penny. She’s doing her research and I am the big, fat sucker again.

Things will be different if we move.

—————
LM: I dunno. I guess we’ll have to go to court, which is really going to suck.
PEW: you’re really setting yourself up for alot of headaches if I have to use my 401k to get an appt
LM: We don’t have any money to afford attorneys.
PEW: we will have to…but i’m moving out. i qualify for legal aid if I move out. and housing assistance. and all kinds of stuff. formula for S2
LM: Have you discussed this with your family? Is that what you want to do? Go on welfare?
PEW: absolutely have you? this isn’t new news to anyone
—————

Absolutely? She really wants to go on welfare, collect her $350/week, take the kids away. More disgraceful, she has her family’s support. Scumbags.

Things will be different if we move.

—————
LM: No.
PEW: well LM…if I have to go on welfare to prove to you that I really really don’t want to be married to you…..then so be it. it’s not just you….it ‘s me too. I don’t want to change. and neither do you. i just want to be free from this once and for all. i can deal with being poor. i’ve been there before. i thought we were going to make each other’s lives better…..not more miserable. the house and the STUFF matters more to you than just letting me have my life back. even though you’ve known for a long long time that we aren’t working out. you’ll be ok…trust me you’ll always make money. you’ll get another house. you’ll still see the kids. we can be friends.
————–

Yeah, you’re going to lose your new house, your children, you’re going to pay me $350/week, and be left flat-broke while working to pay me for the next couple decades, but we can be friends. Delusional psycho.

Things will be different if we move.

————–
PEW: i just DON’T want to be married to you anymore. trust me…you’ll make out alot better than me in life. you have a good job. you’re getting an education. goodbye….i guess i’m not getting an answer
LM: I don’t know what answer you’re looking for.
LM: Hello?
————–

Things will be different if we move.

They sure were different. They just got more bizarre and more frequent.

 Subscribe in a reader

Now, Back to Our Regularly Scheduled Programming… April 2001

Strap on your helmets and buckle-up! It’s gonna be a rough ride!

Pay particular attention, as if you needed such direction after reading all the other stuff, how this starts out as another ludicrous argument about the sale of the home, then onto who does what around the house, and progresses to insulting me and my family before finishing up with a resounding explanation of who she should have married instead of me. Lucky me.

Anyway, our house isn’t on the market a month yet. We are in no rush to move as we have a baby due in May. We went into this with the intent to not be in a hurry, the school year ends in early June and most people are looking to move shortly thereafter. No rush. Nevermind that she started arguing inside of a week after listing. Now, we’re on the market less than 30-days and she wants to drop the price because of our impatient realtor.

—————–
PEW: did you see that new listing
LM: Yes. I think it is a “message” listing. How about you?
PEW: message?
LM: Same square footage. Similar amenities. $169K It’s in our neighborhood. The “message” is “lower your price”
PEW: most definately
LM: He’s annoying me. Send me a fucking listing I want to go see. Please. I don’t want to move into my own frigging neighborhood.
PEW: well I think we can forget selling our house while that one is listed
LM: Well… when people find out it backs up to the park… which is used many nights in the Summer and Fall with the BIG LIGHTS BLARING INTO THEIR BEDROOMS…
PEW: why would someone buy our house when they can buy something similar for 15k less
LM: …and the guys from the apartment complex playing soccer and drinking in there… perhaps not. Right behind the “loitering” 7-11.
PEW: the distance is negligable
LM: Actually… when they installed the lights at the park… the homeowners went berzerk.
PEW: and….most people moving to this neighborhood dont know about the apartments.
LM: Most homeowners will look. When they see the apartment complex across from their yard… they’ll find out by asking or driving by.
PEW: that still doesn’t make up for a 15k disparity in the price
LM: i know. Rancher? lol
PEW: well i’d like to either lower the price at the end of the week or take it off the market
LM: Okay. Whatever you want.
PEW: no the ball is in your court…what do you want?
LM: I want to let it ride a little longer.
PEW: you are unreasonable as usuall
LM: But, I don’t want you to be upset… so, you can take over. Funny… “whatever you want” is unreasonable… lol
—————

Insanity. Pure, unbridled insanity. I go straight into avoidance mode – giving her full decision-making power. She flips it back on me and I give her a straight-up answer. She responds that I’m being unreasonable.

To this day, I still don’t have a clue how I didn’t snap. I really don’t. I believe I have my children to thank for that. So does she.

—————
PEW: we had a flako come in here and tell us that she’d list the house for 195k…..then Realtor comes in and tells us $179k because the neighborhood has not seen over 180k…… frankly I think considering that you paid 120k……if you got 170k you should be happy because you haven’t put 50k into it…so i’m not sure where you are coming from
LM: Well… if we were in a crushing rush to get the hell out… I’d be inclined to lower it… as it stands… we aren’t in a crushing rush, and the Springtime lookers are just beginning to come out… but then, I never seem to know what the hell I’m talking about in your eyes… so I reiterate… Whatever you want.
PEW: i’m baffled
LM: Well… it depends on what you want to get.
PEW: you aren’t in a rush because you don’t have to do the cleaing
LM: Welcome to the world of preparing to move, PEW. Nobody said it was going to be either fun or easy. But hey… if lopping 15G is the answer to the cleaning woes… well then so be it.
PEW: i’ll tell you what I want…..I want to move out of this house…..it needs 15k in repairs that we don’t have….if I have to move to a smaller house tjat
—————-

A couple of interesting facts. First, I think that “the neighborhood hasn’t seen $180K” is a ludicrous argument. We ended up getting $175,000 for the home. A few months later, my neighbor put his house up for sale, about 2/3s the size of our home. It sold for $185K. Our home didn’t need $50K in repairs. It didn’t need $15K in repairs. What it “needed” was for her to spend that much to have ridiculous amenties that weren’t needed nor wanted. At settlement, it needed less than $1,000 worth of “L&I” attention and that was it.

—————-
LM: Well… I don’t make life-affecting decisions with such knee-jerk reactions. So, if you think that I’ll do it for your knee-jerk reaction, you are mistaken, I assure you.
PEW: knee jerk reaction?
LM: Yes… knee-jerk. “Too much cleaning.” “Too many things to fix” As if moving will somehow mean we won’t have things to fix.
PEW: i’m talking about cutting the price 5k, not 15k
LM: Then, you fail to consider that jackass hasn’t even brought us a low-ball, let alone something that gives us a sniff of asking price. Sorry – you threw out a figure of $170.
PEW: i knew that this wasn’t going to be fun but I was willing to bite the bullet so I could get out of this house that I hate
LM: Yes… and in less that 30 days… you are tearing me a new asshole and breaking my balls.
PEW: well maybe you should do a little more cleaning
—————-

THERE IT IS!!! Gear-shift #1. Now it’s no longer about selling the house, it’s about working around the house. Of course, back then, embroiled in it, I never saw it. I had the hook buried in my cheek, she set it, and I was already flopping around the poop-deck.

—————-
LM: I’ve been trying to chip-in more. Tell me what you need done… I’ll do it.
PEW: no you look at what needs to be done from now on and do it. i’m not your mommy
LM: When I look around, I don’t see a whole lot of cleaning… so if you’re going to bitch… you better be specific, otherwise, don’t bitch. (to be done)
PEW: well for one thing you never put the recyclables where they belong…. you think the fairy comes and takes trash away for you
LM: No. Sorry. Do you think that the energy fairy comes and turns out lights for you?
PEW: and i made half the bed this morning hoping that you would make the other half since you were standing right there…but you didn’t
LM: Geeze, and I left the furniture out the other night hoping that you would touch-up the interior corners, but you didn’t.
PEW: what lights?
LM: What recyclables?
—————

*shaking head*

—————
PEW: i had other shit to do. i’m hardly ever kicking back like you
LM: Me, too.
PEW: not just recyclables…trash. when you eat or drink the last of something you never throw the trash away
LM: I’ve been taking the trash out.
PEW: i’ve been having problems with AT&T
LM: oh
—————

Huh? Totally off the wall, but there it is – gear shift #2! Now it’s about counseling and the physical abuse allegations again.

—————
PEW: anyway, if you haven’t done so yet, don’t cancel our appt for Friday. or thursday? what day was it
LM: Friday. I’m looking forward to another LM-bashing with a new counselor. Very excited.
PEW: i didn’t bash you? what are you talking about. be specific please
LM: I think next week, I’ll clarify all of the “physical abuse” I’ve perpetrated on you.
PEW: yes please do
LM: Like you kicking me in the chest first during that argument way back when.
PEW: clarify it for me too
LM: Then, the one where you had a bruised arm… that resulted when you fell, in a complete, drunken stupor, in the kitchen (when I broke the bottle of Vodka), and I was trying to get you up out of the glass.
PEW: yes you’ve always had justification
LM: And of course, the last one… where you did manage to describe it relatively accurately.
PEW: i had a broken finger and I didn’t even include that arguement in our discussion. you are sick
—————-

Yeah, a broken finger. Ask her if she saw a doctor. (She didn’t.) Ask her if she had an x-ray. (She didn’t.) Ask her if she had a broken finger and she’ll tell you yes, because that’s the delusion she creates in order to avoid accepting the reality that was her condition and her behavior that night. It’s been rearranged to be about fictional spousal abuse and not about her disgusting treatment of our house guests.

—————-
LM: The finger thing happened when I snatched the bottle of Vodka, which you happened to be CHUGGING at the time, out of your hands.
PEW: yeah and you were sober, right?
LM: This, after completely and totally embarrassing me in front of a good friend whom I hadn’t seen in several years. Yes, I was.
PEW: the friend that totally had the hots for you and still does, but i’m over it…..i wish i had let her have you at the time. i would have saved myself a shitload of heartache
LM: A figment of your imagination.
PEW: not my imagination…intuition
LM: Imagination.
PEW: intuition
LM: Your “intuition” is hardly justification for your actions that night. But I digress….
PEW: i had plenty of justification for that whole incident
LM: No… you didn’t.
PEW: yes…to an incident that i’m not aloud to talk about but you can right
LM: And I have to laugh at you claiming I ‘justify’ anything… when that’s all you ever do. You were justified in “mule-kicking” me in the chest.
PEW: and you’ve always been justified in putting your hands on me….. all 4 times yes i was…..
LM: You were justified in making a drunking scene in front of guests… then chugging vodka… Oh, now it’s FOUR times. lol
PEW: i was defending myself when you came at me screaming in my face
LM: Wrong.
PEW: yeah..the incident the night LD was here wasn’t included
LM: I was standing at the foot of the couch, screaming at you.
PEW: but if you want to include it…I will. bullshit
LM: You wouldn’t have been able to kick me in the pectoral muscle from a prone position if I was “in your face.”
PEW: there was the time we were arguing over keeping YOUR house….
LM: Save your histrionics for counseling. Your bantering has become tiresome.
PEW: and you were in the midst of browbeating me….
LM: Same old story, different rant, for no frigging reason. lol “browbeating.” lol
PEW: your justifying hitting me is going to backfire. fuck you
LM: Nope. I don’t justify any hitting.
PEW: right
LM: What I don’t like is your “innocent” spin. Like you do nothing.
PEW: hardly
LM: I just hit you. You kicked me, and I struck back.
PEW: I told [the counselor] that I kicked you
LM: The finger thing was an accident, trying to prevent you from drinking yourself into a coma. The bruise on your arm came when you rushed into the kitchen, and slipped on the wet, glass-laden floor.
PEW: oh yes…you’ve been such a wonderful, supportive mate
LM: I am.
PEW: you punched me in the arm the night we argued about this house
LM: You’re just going into “Dr. Jeckyll” mode right now, and I’m tired of doing this with you. What in the hell are you talking about?
PEW: please…you are the Dr. Jeckyll
LM: Now I punched you in the arm?
LM: Enlighten me.
PEW: you got a frigging screw loose
LM: When did this magically happen? Oh yeah… I have the screw loose. lol
PEW: yes when it was over I went behind the pool out back and I was hystE.l and you came out and begged my forgiveness. and said you’d never do it again. blah blah fucking blah
LM: Okay… that is a complete fabrication.
PEW: BULLSHIT
LM: When did this allegedly happen, now that you are magically increasing the number.
PEW: I SWEAR IT ON MY GRANDFATHER’S GRAVE
—————

Her poor grandfather. Ironically enough – dear old granddad was a serial abuser, too – that’s where her daddy learned it.

—————
LM: I’m sure by Friday… the beatings will have been monthly. Sure you do. Help me understand when?
PEW: yeah right
LM: I’d like to remember it.
PEW: we were arguing about keeping the house
LM: WHEN! WHEN when when when when.
PEW: it was 2 days b4 the settlement… and I said I wasn’t doing it…. you were freaking out……screamed in my face…..I kicked you and you punched me…..
LM: Sorry… I don’t remember that.
PEW: I ran out back…hystE.l and I was behind the pool and then you came out and said you’d never do it again
LM: Interesting, though… that you type that you kicked me, again, first.
PEW: you cried…..because you’re a good actor
LM: lol
PEW: yeah that’s real funny
LM: It is.
PEW: I kicked you because you were screaming in my face
LM: It’s funny that you would say such mean things.
PEW: and I”ll kick you again if you ever scream in my face
LM: Oh… so you’re “justifying” physical assault again, is that it?
PEW: what mean things?
LM: Interesting.
PEW: self defense
LM: Defense against yelling? You yell, it’s okay. When I yell back, it’s not okay. I get it.
PEW: you can’t come up in someone’s face and yell…especially with your history of family violence and expect that they won’t defend themselves
LM: So, out of allegedly 4 times things got physical… you initiated the physical violence on two occasions…
PEW: no you did by screaming in my face….spitting i might add
LM: …one was an accident when I grabbed a bottle of vodka that you were chugging… and one I supposedly initiated first. Gee, I see a pattern here.
PEW: I told you I don’t count that one because we were both pretty drunk
LM: No… we absolutely were not drunk. YOU were wrecked. I absolutely was not drunk.
PEW: I WILL FUCKING DIVORCE YOU SO FAST YOUR HEAD WILL SPIN if you are trying to say that I deserved to be punched or choked by you EVER
—————–

No one deserves to be punched, choked, or otherwise physically assaulted, except when you are defending yourself against an attack. I’m sorry that what little happened between us happened (those that are rooted in reality), even if her recollection is a bit convenient for her victim status, except where she inexplicably types out the truth – she initiated physical assaults.

—————–
LM: But I know that you aren’t beyond making stuff up to convince yourself that you do no wrong, so I’m not surprised at this fabrication, either. Nope. But funny how you would justify physically attacking me while forbidding it in your mate.
PEW: you are such a impotent asshole. you probably are gay
LM: Good… this is nice… this will just be added to the pile of evidence of your meanness.
PEW: that’s probably why your such an angry man
LM: I’m not angry.
PEW: please
LM: I’m worried.
PEW: i’ve been very kind about that. you should be you should be
LM: I’m worried how about how long we can go on with your miserable mood swings. Your ultimatums. Your threats. Your name-calling.
PEW: we can’t go on
LM: Your physical violence. Your mental abuse.
PEW: my physical violence?
LM: Yep.
PEW: you’re the abusive one
LM: You did type that you assaulted me on at least two occasions, right? And admitted doing so first.
PEW: no…you assaulted me. and I defended myself
LM: You initiated physical contact on at least two occasions.
PEW: no…oh i see…is this one of those things you’re going to save
LM: Yes. Actually, I save them all. Every one of them. I’ve told you that before.
—————

Now she’s pissed because she “OOOOPS” remembers that I save them and realizes she’s just said stuff she probably didn’t want to say. Gear shift #3 – she’s leaving… again.

—————
PEW: i’m going to my mothers. and I’m taking S1. i’m not putting up with your fucking bullshit
LM: SO when people wonder how I can “be so mean” to dear, sweet, PEW – I can show them the “other side” of your personna. Don’t worry… we can go over it all with the counselor.
PEW: i am sweet and dear
LM: I know… when you’re not mean, spiteful, and vindictive.
PEW: people love me, which is more than you can say
LM: Like you coming on here just to start a fight again.
PEW: most people can’t stand you…you only have like one friend
LM: Like clockwork you are. Yes, and my evidence is you saying so, right?
PEW: no….i came on and saw the new listing
LM: Don’t you get tired of that?
PEW: i know what kind of bullshit i’m in for. you don’t work anyway
LM: Yes, I know… I’ve been doing so well and getting raises and bonuses because I don’t work. Right.
PEW: like DR knows?
LM: The only time I don’t work is when you come on to verbally berate me again.
PEW: you slide by doing the absolute minimum….just like you do at home
LM: Oh, yeah.
PEW: yeah…when do you do your stock portfolio at Yahoo when do you chat with Cam….your dad, etc…
LM: Funny, coming from you. who complains about having to actually keep the house clean. lol Cam doesn’t come on that often. My father doesn’t like to chat.
PEW: funny coming from you that’s not an insult considering the swill you lived in b4 you met me
LM: It isn’t about swill. It’s about you daring to allege that I do “the bare minimum” all the while complaining about having to keep the house neat.
PEW: when we sell this house…….i’m taking my half and getting the F— away from you you do have a screw loose
LM: I know… this isn’t the first time you’ve threatened that.
PEW: i always knew that. i don’t think it’s safe for S1 to be around you either
LM: Yeah, yeah.
PEW: you’re too unpredictable
LM: Oh, I sure am… lol… like coming on here out of the blue to start fights.
PEW: it’s not out of the blue
LM: Or telling me one day how much you love me, and then telling me how evil I am 24 hours later. That’s normal. Right?
PEW: i do love you….but you’re not normal…this is not normal
LM: How we can lay in bed and talk about such nice loving things last night… and then you are a completely different person today, right? That’s ME being “unpredictable.”
PEW: no…you embarrassed me in front of E….. then I want to lower the price on the house and you say, we’re leaving it…..then I say…I don’t want to move so far away from my family….. and you don’t care. you just keep pushing and pushing I don’t care if we love each other….we are never going to make it. never
LM: Yes… I embarrassed you by what??? sitting there, while you told an embarrassing story about my childhood, laughing at me hysterically… then… not stopping there, but reiterating more than once, “I CAN UNDERSTAND IF…!!!!’ and continuing laughing. I embarrassed you?!?! And you dare call ME “unpredictable.” I didn’t say “we were leaving” the price where it was.
—————–

Another example of her inability to keep her stories straight even within the same conversation. No recollection of my saying “whatever you want to do” in relation to the price of the house and a twisted recollection of my saying that it would be my preference to let the price ride a little longer.

—————–
PEW: I asked E. what she thought about the story…was I being mean…and she said no way.
she thought it was cute
LM: I said, “Do whatever you want.”
PEW: how come so many people who i’ve told the story to, think it’s cute and you can be angry about it
LM: The story wasn’t about E…. it was about ME. What E. thinks doesn’t matter. Two people aren’t sitting there laughing their frigging asses off at YOU, about something that you don’t even know if it’s true… and is greatly embarrassing.
—————

Aren’t these examples of her being “socially backwards” and embarrassing socially amongst friends? Watch the projection continue below.

—————
PEW: i’ll tell you why…….because you are impossible
LM: How come you think it is frigging funny to tell that story about me to people? How come you, who dare forbid me “not to tell you what you should feel” – tell me that I am wrong to feel greatly embarrassed — Not only by the story itself…
PEW: it’s not because it’s about you…it’s because it is about any little boy looking for something silky to rub
LM: …but the WAY you tell the story. And keep needling and needling and needling. Yeah… that’s so “cute” to YOU.
PEW: and finding his mom’s underwear and unknowingly taking them outside
LM: It isn’t about you.
PEW: well listen, next time your mother tells me a story i’ll tell her not to waste her breath
LM: But then the emphasis and repeating it several times… all the while laughing harder. Yeah. You are my wife. E. is a mere acquaintance.
PEW: which…if you and I divorce…don’t worry I won’t talk to anyone in your family…ever again
LM: Not that I like my mother sharing the stories with you…
PEW: E. is a friend of mine
LM: …but there is a HUGE frigging difference.
PEW: well, I don’t even want to hear your mother talk…ever
—————

Another shift and I, mindlessly, go right along with it. Now she’ll re-up the insulting of my family and I’ll go getting all defensive again.

—————
LM: Interesting to see you continuing to deteriorate the conversation. Now, you’ll be mean about my mother…typical of these discussions.
PEW: and I can remedy the situation by just telling her if she wants to tell her stupid, untrue stories…tell you first and you can tell me the ones that you think are true
LM: Then, you’ll vilify my dad, like you usually do. Then, if you are really in a mood… include my horrible brothers. I’ll wait.
PEW: well your parents have made it quite easy for me
LM: Here she goes…
PEW: i like your brothers. they are victims too. i never say anything mean about them despite what you’ve made up. they can’t stand you either which only verifies for me your absolute annoyingness
LM: See… you’re so predictable.
PEW: how so?
LM: Same story… different day.
PEW: it’s true. they say the same shit that annoys me about you…annoys them. so it must be true
LM: Yeah… right… and they share this with you, right? Yeah… sure.
PEW: yeah sometimes right in front of you
LM: Yeah… okay. More of your unjustified criticisms… all that which you accuse me of doing… are perfect descriptions of how you conduct yourself. You belittle… you criticize, you attack whenever you feel like… you complain, you’re unhappy, you’re angry. It’s downright scary. Then some other days… you’re as bright as the sunshine… beautiful, loving, wonderful… and then right back to the other… an ever-swinging pendulum of unpredictability.
PEW: well I don’t think it’s so scary that I ask you why you took exception to the story….. and I don’t think it is scary that I ask you to lower the price on the house
LM: What part of “I don’t like it because it is embarrassing, and I am not appreciative of the tone that you tell it with.” don’t you understand? What part of “Do whatever you want” on the house pricing, do you not understand
PEW: well here’s where I cease to be your suzy sunshine…… I am so tired of trying to socialize with you and feeling like I have to be someone other than myself, which is what you say I do to you. I think the problem is you don’t know how to act in social situations….that’s why you don’t have any friends
—————

Her last reply has nothing to do with the questions asked before it.

—————
LM: What in God’s name do you mean?
PEW: other than your hockey buddues
LM: I have plenty of friends.
PEW: you always have a problem with something I do when we are with friends or family, who are your friends
LM: I most certainly do not.
PEW: yes you do
LM: The only thing I take exception to is you telling stories about me and making fun of me.
PEW: your always annoyed with something I say
LM: That happened today. And it happened one other time at JD’s house.
PEW: no not one other time
LM: Now, it matters not to you that I don’t like it when you do these things. You make it out to me being a “sociopath” and other fancy terms you like to throw around without regard to their actual meaning. I’ve been out at many, many, many social events without problems… other than a few instances where you were watching over me like mother-hen, and took exception to some things that I have said. Fortunately, not about you. But I ask you to imagine… how would you feel if I decided to show you how I feel when you say some of the things you do about me… by doing same to you?
PEW: trust me…if today’s story was about me i’dv laughed
LM: Wrong.
PEW: i have a better sense of humor than you. i can laugh at myself
LM: Say I decided something you didn’t find funny… was funny to me?
PEW: yes…i can
LM: Say, in front of MY friends… I decided to make fun of your weight? Would you take exception to that?
PEW: i’d make fun of your weight back
LM: You know what? You are so full of shit it isn’t even funny.
PEW: no i’d be upset
LM: So then, when I express disappointment at some story you’ve told about me, do you find it so unbelieveable? To the point of permitting yourself to be angry at me for taking exception to that which you thought was just so hysterically funny about me?
PEW: I told a story about something you did when you were 2. get a grip
LM: I DON’T CARE! You just don’t get it.
PEW: I DON’T CARE EITHER
LM: I don’t like it. You owe me that respect.
PEW: LM….I won’t tell your mother’s stupid story anymore. because you’re a fucking freak
LM: Just like when I tell you 50,000 times not to discuss/make fun of my family…
PEW: i don’t owe you jack shit
LM: …yet you still can’t help yourself.
PEW: you owe me. I have put up with more shit from you than any woman ever would
—————

That’s right, LM! Most women don’t want a husband who doesn’t abuse drugs or alcohol, loves his children, is a homebody who doesn’t stray and is faithful, a nice big home, a new car every 3-years… and the list goes on! The horrible, horrible life I have managed to provide for our family! What a cad! What ever was I thinking? (Don’t answer that!)

—————
LM: Yes you do. When I tell you that I don’t appreciate that story being told outside of certain circles, if at all, you owe me that respect. Just as I would owe you the same about similar.
PEW: well I’ll continue to do what i’ve done for the past 6 years….I won’t socialize with you in the company of others unless it is absolutely necessary…. we never have people over….. we never have dinner out with friends…. I hardly ever want to take you to my parents…. and I rarely want to be with you in a social situation…. Gee…I wonder why that is….
LM: I ask people to come over often… but they are typically busy or change plans… be it Marc or my brothers. I’ve never stopped you from inviting anyone over.
PEW: I know…I don’t want to invite people over. I hate socializing with you. I hate it
LM: It certainly isn’t because of anything I’ve done… that is just something else you fabricate when you get a weed up your ass.
PEW: you embarrass me
LM: I embarrass you how?
PEW: no it is because you are embarassing
LM: How? How have I embarrassed you in front of others?
PEW: well let’s see…there is the time we went on the cruise and you make the blow job jesture in front of 6 other people. that was classy
LM: I apologized to you about that.
PEW: I don’t care
LM: Additionally, because you “demanded” i apologize to others, I did. You were the only one offended, and people made fun of me for apologizing. I regretted offending you. So, tell me all of the other times?
—————

As with anything on this blog, you only have my say-so, but I ask that you please trust me when I say that I knew my audience, I made that gesture as a small close group of us were discussing something that happened at a show, and everyone, including PEW, laughed their asses off. It wasn’t until “the mood” came over her on the ride home that I even discovered that she was (allegedly) “offended.” Shame on me for apologizing to the others in the group – it was funny, they knew it, and they reacted in a way that indicated so. Further, they reiterated how funny it was when discussed later.

—————

PEW: then there was the time we were at the wedding for your cousin and I didn’t know anyone and you were watching the hockey game…and when I politely asked you to stop….you made a scene. and I wound up leaving out of embarrassment
LM: That was 6 years ago… and you made the scene first, at the dinner table.
PEW: I shouldve known then
LM: lol What a joke.
PEW: no…you rose your voice to me in front of a bunch of people I didn’t even know. so I left
LM: Wrong.
PEW: raised. right
LM: But I should’ve known that. Another complete fabrication. You went ballistic after I asked about a game, on a TV, which wasn’t even in my possession.
PEW: Then there was the time at L&J’s house when I was making jokes about your family and you embarrassed me then. GOD forbid
LM: And walked out, taking the car, and forcing me to walk home.
PEW: please!?!?!?!? you had 3 brothers there and your father. you couldn’t get a ride??? That speaks volumes
LM: It speaks volumes that my apologies for the “egregious” violation for asking about the hockey game, (which, ironically enough – THE FRIGGING PRIEST – was keeping people appraised of the score that night) weren’t enough to keep you from walking out on me… and I was too embarrassed to go back into a formal occasion and have to explain to people, including the bride and groom…
PEW: you were watching it play by play you liar. liar liar liar… please. spare me. you were wrong
LM: …that my date walked out on the festivities because a TV was getting passed around a table and I looked at it and I needed a ride home. Funny… I’ll bet if I showed the story to 100 people, 99 or more of them would say that you were the anti-social one, by handling it as poorly as you did. When the TV was handed back to JS… you couldn’t let it go. Just kept going on and on and on. And my apologies in the lobby and begging you to please not leave didn’t stop you from abandoning me there.
—————-

Another early red flag I ignored. At a relative’s wedding a number of years earlier, “the mood” struck and apparently my interest in a hockey playoff game during the reception led to her driving off and leaving me behind to beg for a ride home. I didn’t. I quietly left after a short while and, in my best wedding attire, hitch-hiked a ride home from the reception after walking quite a ways in the cold. It was actually kind of funny, the guy who picked me up told me that he figured he had nothing to fear from a hitchhiker dressed as well as I was at that time of night. Yeah, I know, the story is pathetic, but you have to admit – that part is funny.

—————-
PEW: well, the fact of the matter is….we don’t get together with friends because you are socially backwards….and by friends I mean my friends, M&J, P&M, D&F, L&J. why….because I fear you embarrassing me
LM: I can’t speak for L, but J asks me pretty regularly to come up, have some beers, and play some pingpong… but I can’t, because My “wifey” won’t let me.
PEW: excuse me?? I would love to get rid of you
LM: I’ve never been anything but cordial and friendly to all of your friends.
PEW: go. You lie
LM: Yeah, sure.
PEW: don’t sit here and say you don’t go because of me. Liar. I would love you to have a normal friend
LM: PEW… I have to beg to go to auctions… imagine what I feel like when asked to go have some beers and play games? In one breath… you say I don’t do enough… I don’t help enough… I do the “bare minimum” to get by…
PEW: I would rather you went to play games and have beers
LM: …and now you are claiming that I have “carte blanche” to go have fun with friends. And you dare call me a liar!
PEW: I go out with friends
LM: My God, the evidence doesn’t get any more contradictory than with each topic we cover. Because I don’t mind. You do.
PEW: the problem I have with the auctions is that stuff is generally overpriced…and you spend alot of time. you are a retard
LM: No more time than going out for beers and playing pingpong.
PEW: retard
—————

Retard? Really? My God what have I gotten myself into.

—————
LM: Ahhhh… here we go… when faced with the truth… resort to namecalling! Predictable… again.
PEW: so at least it’s contructive time if you spend time with a friend
LM: Justification and backpedaling.
PEW: yeah and if you were here you’d choke me and scream in my face
LM: Keep trying to get out the hole now that you’ve dug yourself in deep. Nope. Not any more.
PEW: i’m not in a hole. why do we stay married
LM: You can’t control your mouth… but I am controlling mine now.
PEW: why. i’m so tired of this
LM: Because your “Dr. Jeckyll” will go away, as usual, and hopefully we can continue to work at it.
PEW: you are the Dr. Jeckyll
LM: Oh, yeah… sure I am. You change stories and tactics in the same conversation.
PEW: you incited me by saying when we go to counseling friday you are going to clarify….the physical abuse…as if you are justified talk about setting me off
LM: I don’t do anything… but I’m free to go out with friends whenever I want. Nope. Clarified doesn’t equal justified.
PEW: I’m the only pregnant woman in the world who can’t be moody
LM: No, I didn’t say that either.
PEW: i’m not allowed because my husbands ego can’t handle it. you don’t have to say it
LM: Wrong-o
PEW: right-o
LM: Clarification means that she will be clear that you are prone to physical abuse. And typically, you initiate it.
PEW: even when you are totally getting on my last nerve …I remain polite. I am not. BULL SHIT
LM: I saved what you typed.
PEW: bring it
LM: In two of the alleged “four” cases, you said that you kicked me first for yelling at you.
PEW: she already said that screaming in my face is a form of abuse
LM: She already said that your name calling is, too.
PEW: my reaction was normal
LM: So was mine.
PEW: bullshit
—————

Here we go again: DID NOT!!! DID TOO! DID NOT!!! DID TOO! DID! DIDN’T! Ridiculous.

—————
LM: No more bullshit that your justification for physical violence.
PEW: my dad never hit my mother never never never
LM: My Dad never held a gun on my mother or children. He never said the horrifying things that you’ve told me your dad has said to you and yours. What a joke that you can’t even just come out and say, “Yes. My Dad is an alcoholic and he was a vicious verbal abuser.”
PEW: my father never brutalized us
LM: He brutalized you mentally.
PEW: i’d rather have what we had than what you had
LM: Perhaps.
PEW: you weren’t there
LM: I only know what you’ve told me, and I’m sure even that was the tip of the iceberg.
PEW: bull
LM: Sure. Don’t talk like your family doesn’t have their share of demons.
PEW: you wish you could make my dad out to be like your dad…but my dad has an alcohol problem…what is your dad’s excuse…. he’s just plain sick
LM: And don’t dare compare the level of “awfulness” to one another either.
PEW: oh but I can. when my dad is sober, he’s a relatively nice guy and he’s not capable of violence unless he’s drunk
—————

Pause and re-read that again. “oh but I can. when my dad is sober, he’s a relatively nice guy and he’s not capable of violence unless he’s drunk.” Why the hell am I arguing with this?

—————
LM: Well, I’d rather take a beating than have a piss-the-pants drunk father continue a pattern of years of mental anguish on his wife and kids… when he was even home. He continues… to this day… to belittle his children to no end.
PEW: i’m very proud of my father…..don’t you dare try to make him out to be a bad person
LM: He can’t help himself… it’s almost a compulsion.
PEW: my father has spent his life wisely
LM: As I am of mine… so keep your mouth shut if you don’t want to hear the same meanness back.
PEW: you started it
LM: Oh no I didn’t.
PEW: don’t talk about my father. you don’t know what you’re talking about. yes you did
LM: No I didn’t.
PEW: my dad has helped more people in his life than you and your whole ancestry. I said…my dad never hit my mother
LM: Sure he has.
PEW: and that’s when you started about he gun thing. no he hasn’t. no matter how bad things ever were
LM: “Your parents have made it very easy for me”
PEW: he pushed PP once
LM: In response to you making fun of my family. That’s physical violence. You said that way up this conversation.
PEW: yeah i know, but he was drunk…and she was a freaking fresh mouth
LM: Justification. That’s what that sounds like. “Gee, I was drunk, I didn’t know what I was doing.” Sure.
PEW: she was 16 and he was drunk and she was mouthing off
LM: I don’t much care, PEW. Just don’t profess that your father’s meanness had any more or less negative impact on you and yours than mine had on ours.
PEW: well it’s alot different from what you’ve done
LM: I’m sure if your Mom or PP karate kicked him during one of his drunken rages, he’d have responded too, but that’s only speculation. Perhaps he kept everyone too scared to lash out like you do.
PEW: well the last thing I need in my life is a husband that can’t understand that having someone scream in my face triggers a self defense mechanism….
LM: I treat you with respect and dignity almost every day. I regret that I have lost my temper in the face of your repeated verbal barrages on occasion.
LM: Well, I’m tired of your excuse making. Very tired.
PEW: I have had a rough life and it hasn’t gotten easier since I’ve been with you
LM: I have plenty of evidence to prove that your mouth has the same impact on me.
PEW: in fact….i’ve been more unhappy married to you than I have in my entire life. why continue it
LM: Since the “incident” earlier this year, we’ve had several disagreements where you’ve managed to hold your tongue.
PEW: i have a new baby on the way….I should start a new life for myself
LM: And I’ve never yelled “in your face.”
PEW: without you
LM: So you see… self control works on both counts. Stop talking like you’re the only one with a legitimate gripe here.
PEW: you are full of shit where the name calling thing is concerned
LM: We both contribute to each other’s failure mechanisms.
PEW: i am the only one with a legitimate gripe
LM: No I’m not.
PEW: yes..you are
LM: And until you realize that you are absolutely NOT the “only one” with a legitimate gripe… nothing will be solved.
PEW: it is an excuse that you allow yourself
LM: No it isn’t. It is no more an excuse than my disagreeing with you results in your mouth-from-hell. Our recent disagreements only further prove my prior claims.
PEW: well let me tell you something
LM: I’ve never yelled at you without your first assaulting me with curses, insults, and name-calls. On me… my family or anyone else. You haven’t done that since the last incident, and there has been no yelling.
PEW: i have called you a few names
LM: I continue to work on my self-control issues. That has helped.
PEW: i called you asshole in a recent argument. which…by the way…you are
LM: But you definitely having gone “over the top” during our face-to-face confrontations, and you only do so here, because you feel “safe” to unleash your verbal assault.
PEW: i will go to my grave…knowing that you are a complete…and utter….ASSHOLE
LM: Nice talk. And that is called-for why?
PEW: because….it is the truth
LM: Oh, okay. Are we done, yet? I’d like to come home.
PEW: please don’t …why don’t you go play ping pong
LM: I wasn’t invited.
PEW: well if I had my way…you wouldn’t come home….
LM: Boy, you just can’t turn it off, can you?
PEW: but since we still own this house together….do what you must. well now i’m in detest mode
LM: Just gotta keep motoring on with your viciousness. Keep it up!
PEW: or what…you’ll choke me
LM: Boy, you sure know how to help an ailing marriage! Nice. “Choke.”
PEW: there is no help. none
LM: Laughable.
PEW: there isn’t a frigging counselor in all the land that could help us
LM: Real funny.
PEW: i’m not laughing
LM: Not if you are unwilling to accept help, which you appear not to be.
PEW: i’m sick of you
LM: Sure… you feel like you’re not getting your way.
LM: That is always what starts the ball a-rollin’
PEW: my next husband will…like sex….never scream in my face….
LM: I love sex.
PEW: take my wants and needs into consideration occassionally….
LM: I’ll bet he screams in your face when you unleash your garbage-mouth.
PEW: i don’t think so
LM: I’d lay money on it.
PEW: don’t
LM: Nobody should have to endure the verbal abuse you can unload on a loved-one.
PEW: i definately went backwards on the husband scale when I married you
LM: Nice talk. That’s nice.
PEW: i should have married D. he treated me really nice
LM: Sorry.
PEW: we never fought once you killed the chance for that ever happening though when you threatened him. what the hell was I thinking. you know….i just wanted someone who would love me and that I could have children with….D said he didn’t want anymore kids….so when I broke up with him he took it back…he said we could have as many kids as I wanted……I should have ran back. everything else was great.
—————

Yeah? Well why the hell didn’t you?

 Subscribe in a reader

Your Life Will Be a Living HELL! Do You Get It? 3/2001

Despite all that has happened to this point and which will continue to happen, “we” decided it might be a good time to move. She was pregnant with S2 and I suppose the combination of the real estate market being in a good spot for both buying and selling and 5-years of incessant whining about how this wasn’t “her” house, I gave it consideration and we moved ahead.

Still, I am a moron. Nothing has really changed. I never really believed the oft-used manipulation, I promise you, if we move, things will be so much better. I just don’t feel like this is my house. There are too many ghosts here. We didn’t need to move. The house I had owned prior to our relationship starting was plenty big to accommodate all of us. However, I had been in it for 10-years myself and the market was good for a move. The relationship, however, wasn’t. I guess it never was.

I dug deep into the Hell Catalog (pictured in the story linked) to review my notes on the following series of IMversations. They read:

On the 3/15 IM: The first of several times where she harasses me about hour house-hunting situation. Anytime I look at a home outside of her “comfort zone” she freaks out on me. However, she expects me to look at areas outside of my comfort zone, which I do without argument. Of course, she threatens our marriage yet again.

On the 3/23 IM: More house harassment. She accuses me of browbeating her while she is browbeating me, again, about potential moving locations. The fact was that she wanted to move closer to her parents. I did not. I wanted to move someplace with great schools and had great value. All she was concerned with was having a babysitter closer to her. The furthest I had looked at that point was 12-miles away. The situation culminated in “move to where she wanted or she was getting a divorce.”

On the 3/28 IM: More house harassment.

—————

3/15/2001

PEW:: i will look at listings from those areas but I can tell you that I would not like living so far away from everything. i’ve already done it and I don’t like it
LM:: Okay.
PEW:: and i’d like it even less with 2 little kids
LM:: Can I just look at houses from other areas? To compare houses? You’ve made your point clear… I would like to see what is out there for the sake of comparison.
PEW:: yeah…i included them
LM:: Thanks.
PEW:: fine
LM:: I’m not really fond of the Fville area, but I haven’t ruled it out.
PEW:: well let me ask you this….why are you not fond of that area. you’ve been living in Currenttown for 15 years and it’s alot nicer than Currenttown
LM:: Because it is moving in the direction of the City, and I am not fond of moving in that general direction.
PEW:: i figured this would happen
LM:: What part of “I haven’t ruled it out” didn’t you understand? Are you fishing for an argument or can we look, find out what we like or don’t like, and move on from there?
PEW:: well I apologize if my ruling out those areas completely offends you, but I don’t want to waste valuable time looking at houses that I know I won’t move to….you keep joking about Homestead and you even went so far as to tell V that I wanted to know if we could sublet from him…..YOU are the one that isn’t understanding
LM:: It doesn’t completely offend me. And if you can’t understand that I was making a joke with V about subletting… which he can’t do… well, I can’t help you. But I won’t sit here and debate with you about that. If you want to make an issue out of a comment I made to V which has nothing to do with anything… you’ll be arguing with yourself. Also, don’t sit there and tell me what you “won’t do” and then get pissed when I tell you about the areas that I am “less than fond of, but won’t rule out.”
LM:: At least you are getting some consideration – I’m not.
PEW:: I’m just being honest…..but I know my happiness is secondary to yours, so I’ll look at any listings that he sends
—————
I see. After the incessant badgering to sell the house and move, which started only shortly after she moved-in with me, it’s a good time to do that and her happiness is secondary to mine. Projection. Entitlement. Truth be told, if it was up to me, I wouldn’t have moved from that house. There was plenty of room to expand and had a massive garage, living room, recreational room, formal dining room, kitchen, 4/5 bedrooms… it was nice, oversized Cape Cod. If I was a selfish bastard, I’d STILL be living there!

Also, keep in mind as you read this that the house has been on the market less than two-weeks and the rages are already starting.
—————
LM:: Yes… we’re moving because your happiness is secondary to mine. What a joke. Thanks for kicking this off in a miserable way for no good reason. I appreciate it. You tell me “NO.” I tell you I am giving areas that you like, but I am not particularly fond of “consideration…” and I am the mean one. Nice. I’ve sent you links to Dtown and Indyland as things to check out. Nothing in Bminster. Nothing in Anyborough. Nothing in Homesteadville, Rsville or anywhere else where you “won’t move to.” So my actions demonstrate that I am following yet another one of your edicts. And you are still acting cranky. If you have nothing else positive to add, I’ll just log off now until I know you aren’t going to badger me any more. Okay?
PEW:: i’m not badgering you, and if you don’t like my “so called edict” you can take your half and i’ll take my half and we’ll each buy a house where we want……is that BETTER?
LM:: Knock it off, PEW. I say I am partial to gas heat. You say “I don’t want to limit ourselves to gas heat.” I say “Okay.” You say, “I aint moving there.” I say “Okay.” I say… “I want to see some homes in those areas for comparison’s sake” You go berzerk and start questioning the marriage again. Thanks, PEW. Thanks a lot.
PEW:: good bye
LM:: Bye.
—————-
Well, at least I managed to get out of that one quickly, despite my best unconscious efforts to say things that will keep it going.
—————-

3/23/2001

PEW:: i have an appt at 3:30
LM:: And? You need coverage?
PEW:: no my sister is coming back. i am just letting you know
LM:: Oh… okay… I remembered.
PEW:: ok. i’d like to put further discussions about our location on hold until or next session….i’m really not in the mood to be brow beat
LM:: Awww. I wasn’t meaning to brow beat. I resent the implication that I was doing so. I know it isn’t an easy thing to discuss. Why is explaining my position “browbeating” but you explaining your position isn’t? Do you even know what “browbeating” means?
PEW:: well before we even listed the house….you drove by a house in Tratown and loved it……now all of the sudden you are fixated on this house in Pieville. yes….i know what browbeating means and I’ve been brow beaten by you b4. this house may not be available when we sell……it may not be in our price range
LM:: I’m not. I was using it as an example.
PEW:: and when you say that Piesville is only 12 miles away…..I can easily say that Bedlem is only 4 miles away. and Tratown is only 3 miles away
LM:: I drove by the house in Tratown… it was a lovely house, in a nice neighborhood… a stone’s throw from an area that I dislike.
PEW:: and Hollyville and Rboro are 3 & 4 miles away. Stonehampton is one mile away. so we wouldn’t be moving farther away from your family
LM:: As I’ve said before… I’m not against moving to most of those areas for the right home. Unlike you, I’ve discounted little, with exception of Ltown, and now Bedlem. I’m not strong-arming you into anything.
PEW:: well based on what you said today….we might as well take the house off the market
LM:: I’m asking you to consider something more than babysitting and night’s out and proximity to parents… and consider schools… value… beauty… the type of home we can get for the money… etc. Pieville AS AN EXAMPLE… is 12 miles away… and despite your claims to the contrary… is not on the other end of the earth from anybody. Also… assuming we had a shot in hell to get something like that in that area… I am, in FACT, sacrificing my proximity to the very same things in the interest of long-term goals, needs, desires for my family. You speak as if in doing so… I sacrifice nothing and have no regard to you. And that simply isn’t true. Then you start with the “browbeat” and other combative words. No fair. It’s another classic case you eliminating the overwhelming majority of opportunities… and turning it around as if I am the one doing it. You pigeonhole us in one direction.
—————
This was a common occurrence but always fascinating. The “me, me, me, everything is about me” view of everything. My concerns are benefits to my household. My family. My wife, my kids, myself. I’m TRYING to plan smartly. There is nothing she is allegedly sacrificing (aside from her incessant whining about her happiness being the top consideration in all of this) that I’m not sacrificing, too! Proximity to family being one, proximity to workplace being two.

The reality, I’ll later discover, is that she really has a tough time figuring out how to parent and/or interact with the children on her own. Without being able to pack them up and go to someone else’s house as a means to not have to interact with the children one-on-one for any appreciable amount of time, she was fearful of being further away from her “co-parents” – various family members and friends. To this day, she always has her neighbor over, her sister over, her parents over (or she is elsewhere). She has repeatedly shown and even stated that she “just can’t handle” the kids on her own for long periods of time. Deep-down, if it was up to her, I think she would have been happy to move into her parents’ basement.
—————
PEW:: well it is brow beating because I’ve explained to you in no uncertain terms that living in that location would make me unhappy …..yet you continue to persue it
LM:: But I’M the inflexible one.
PEW:: i’m not pigionholing us….
LM:: And I’ve explained to you that living in the locations that you are choosing will make ME unhappy. Now what?
PEW:: i’m willing to go to…..Currenttown, Stonehampton, Hollyville, Rboro, Ltown Bedlem, Midtown, Oldtown, etc…etc…
LM:: Then Currenttown it is.
PEW:: well…please tell me why living in those areas would make you unhappy
LM:: You’ve eliminated EVERY place that has ANY desire to me. So… we might as well not move.
PEW:: no….we might as well separate, because I’m moving from this house I’ve hated this house since the day I signed my life away to it
LM:: And… instead of working with me to do that idea… you’ve decided to argue about it.
PEW:: when do I get a chance to live where I want
LM:: Thanks. Make sure you remember that for next session.
PEW:: no you decided to argue
LM:: I don’t want to see you somehow make this out as me. Oh, I see you are already doing so.
PEW:: tell me what makes you so unhappy about living in the areas I mentioned
LM:: Nope. Not in this context. I’ll do it my likes and dislikes on paper.
PEW:: why
LM:: I will not “argue” with you about it.
PEW:: because you can’t think of anything
LM:: So, is there something else you wish to discuss at this point? Bedlem SUCKS Ltown SUCKS. I hate those areas. We might as well move to into the City. I don’t want to move towards the City.
PEW:: you are being immature
LM:: Those are not areas that are increasing in value. Those are not areas where I want my children to live.
PEW:: you are being self-centered
LM:: No, I’m not. I am answering your question. I don’t want to spend 200G on a house that we will only be able to sell for 200G 10 years from now.
PEW:: I’ve sacrificed the past six years of my life to live in a house that has given me nothing but unhappiness
LM:: The object is buy something that will benefit us down the road. Enough. I’m logging off unless you change the subject. I wanted to discuss areas likes and dislikes using a nice method. You choose not to. YOUR fault. Not mine. Anything else?
PEW:: I don’t want to discuss moving in that direction at all unless it is in counseling
LM:: Yeah… sure… as if the counselor will help us make the decision.
PEW:: and because I say that….you say….we’ll be moving into another house in Currenttown….just to be mean
LM:: No I’m not. You’ve cut out all of the areas that are of particular interest to me. I did not do that to you… that is… until you just gave me the above list.
PEW:: no…that’s not true
LM:: So… that leaves Currenttown. Yes it is true. You simply saying it “isn’t” doesn’t make it so.
PEW:: well how come you were looking in the Tratown/Fville area b4
LM:: You’ve bookmarked nothing West of New Road.
PEW:: and the last time our house was for sale we looked in Stonehampton, Rboro, Hollyville, Chuville
LM:: My bookmarks continue to consist of Fville, Chuville, Oldtown, Oldtown Boro, and Upper Stonehampton. In addition to the other areas I like. You haven’t done the same, because you flat REFUSE to consider anywhere that is one foot further from your parents. Period. Last time when we looked… we looked at homes that, at that time… had great potential to increase in value… well… THEY HAVE.
PEW:: well considering the fact that….3 months ago we were on the verge of divorcing forever…..I WILL NOT put myself further away from the people that love me and that I love…..YOU say that you want to work things out and stay married to me…yet you will go on and on about this regardless of my feelings….this is one of the reasons I think that you are not the person that you present yourself to be
LM:: And you continue to be grossly histrionic about what amounts to, at most, in a worst-case scenario – to be 12 miles. WORST CASE! 12 miles. I am tired of you using our marriage as leverage to get your way.
PEW:: what about you…..my preferences are less than 5 miles
LM:: It is mean. It is unconscionable.
PEW:: i’m not using our marriage as leverage
LM:: When you say things like…. “you don’t care about our marriage and my happiness…:”
PEW:: our marriage is and has been in trouble for quite some time and you KNOW it
LM:: You are.
PEW:: I AM NOT I’m giving you the facts
LM:: This is a prime example. YOU say that you want to work things out and stay married to me…yet you will go on and on about this regardless of my feelings. You just wrote that.
PEW:: no this is not
LM:: That says… “if you had regard for our marriage… and my feeliings…” then I wouldn’t “pursue it.” Meaning… I wouldn’t continue to look around those areas.
PEW:: right because moving me further from here is going to be detremental to our marriage ….FACT
—————
I’m betting right now that you’re exasperated as I always was at her breaks from reality, even though the evidence of what she’s doing and saying is right there in front of her. I am not using our marriage as leverage! Am, too. Wait, I am not. Am, too. I didn’t say that our marriage is in jeopardy, but I’m telling you right now, if you do this, our marriage is in jeopardy! I did not just say that! I can almost see the inner child covering her ears, closing her eyes, and stomping her feet as she twirls in a circle. Can you? But I still keep on explaining…
—————
LM:: That’s what it means, though I am sure you are thinking of a way to back out of that being exactly as written. That is using our marital situation against me. If I told you that moving one foot closer to THE CITY is detrimental to our marriage, what would you say to that?
PEW:: no…i’m telling it like it is….you have to decide what risks you are willing to take
LM:: EXACTLY!
PEW:: i’d say bull
LM:: If I don’t do as you say… our marriage is over. As you usually do. When I say I would be unhappy… you say, “I don’t care.” YOUR happiness is of paramount importance. I say, I understand your sentiment, but please consider… A, B, and C… and you don’t. When faced with other considerations that are of importance… you don’t care… and you threaten me with the marriage. That’s not fair.
PEW:: I do consider it and the risks outweigh the positives for me
LM:: I think you are lying.
PEW:: i’m not threatening our marriage….you threatened it. no i am not lying
LM:: No, you threaten by saying, “If you don’t move as I tell you, our marriage is in jeapardy.” That’s practically blackmail.
PEW:: our marriage is in jeapardy either way. it has been in jeapardy for some time now….please. it’s no joke
—————
YES YOU DID!!! NO I DIDN’T – YOU DID! DID TOO! DID NOT!!! DID TOO! DID NOT!!! My God, how pathetic this looks. If you don’t think I’m embarrassed by all of this, which would include my behavior, you would be mistaken. It’s pathetic.
—————
LM:: Funny… that isn’t what you said when we left the counselor’s office today. Or did you already forget saying, “I don’t feel like I did then anymore.”
PEW:: WHAT?!
LM:: But now… because it isn’t “PEW’s way” again, you threaten “the highway.” Typical. Typical tack that you take.
PEW:: I don’t feel angry at you like I did when I originally sought counselling
LM:: You aren’t fair at all.
PEW:: I used the word “hate” when we were in the office…remember
LM:: Yes. I do.
PEW:: I don’t hate you like I did back then
LM:: I understand.
PEW:: ok
LM:: But I won’t stand for this, “if we don’t move to where I want, regardless of what you want, our marriage is over.”
PEW:: even if we did wind up splitting…I wouldn’t hate you because I know that we gave it our best shot
LM:: I’ll call the realtor today and pull it right off the market.
PEW:: NO YOU WON’T
LM:: I don’t want to hear the “state of our marriage” hinging on our choice of locale again. Otherwise, I will.
PEW:: i’ll sell…take my half and move in with my parents. that’s what will happen. bullshit
LM:: Funny… and you told me that I was the one doing the browbeating. That is the REALLY funny part of this whole exchange.
PEW:: no you don’t dictate to me when the house goes on or comes off the market
LM:: Watch me. It takes to to sell it. It takes one not to.
PEW:: I wouldn’t try it if I were you
LM:: The only condition that I have is that I don’t want to hear you say that our “marriage is threatened” if I don’t move where you say. Otherwise, we can continue to work it out.
PEW:: I never said that
LM:: Re-read the crap you wrote above. That is exactly what you are saying. “YOU say that you want to work things out and stay married to me…yet you will go on and on about this regardless of my feelings”
PEW:: here is what I say…..IT WOULD NOT BE ADVISABLE FOR OUR MARRIAGE TO MOVE IN THAT DIRECTION”‘
LM:: I didn’t “misinterpret” the meaning of that quote. That is threatening our marriage. YOU are doing that. I’m not.
PEW:: let me put it another way…. if we stay in this vicinity or move closer to my family…I’ll be happier, we’ll get out more because we’ll be closer to them, our marriage would benefit from that……the happier I am…the happier the whole family will be…. I move northward….I will become depressed, lonely, and our relationship and our children will likely suffer. why do you not believe this??? do you think i’m making up stories
LM:: Because you are saying this as if it is a foregone conclusion. You say you will be “lonely.”
PEW:: it is a fact
LM:: No, it is an excuse.
PEW:: i will be. i am a people person. i have to go
LM:: You are putting up walls that don’t exist.
PEW:: they do exist
LM:: You can drive to your friends just as easily as you do now.
PEW:: i lived up there before
LM:: But it may take 20 minutes instead of 10.
PEW:: i don’t like to drive. no
LM:: PEW, Pieville is not Rsville. Far from it.
PEW:: it is too far
LM:: Okay.
LM:: Is Dtown too far?
LM:: Is Warville too far?
PEW:: if we sell our house…and we’ve looked at the prospects down this way and we can’t find anything….
PEW:: I would consider Warville
LM:: So again… it’s your way or no way at all, right? Instead of looking for a house that we love somewhere… and then deciding that the locale is simply unacceptable… we’ll just look where you want until you say it’s enough, and then I will get some measure of consideration. That is what this means.
PEW:: I know that the locale is simply unacceptable to me…why do I have to waste, my time, your time, and a realtor’s time
LM:: I ask you again… why, if I say the same thing as you about the places that you pick… am I the evil spawn of Satan… but when you say it, I should care like it was gospel? Yet…
PEW:: this is one of the personality traits I hate about you
LM:: You say that I am the one who “doesn’t care?” It’s a simple question?
PEW:: we’ve lived in the location of YOUR choice for the past 6 years
LM:: You never recognize that you are the worst user of the things that you consistently accuse me of.
PEW:: it’s the same as the whole baby name bullshit. you can NEVER EVER be wrong
LM:: Name him what you want.
PEW:: i’m sick of it
LM:: This isn’t ABOUT BEING WRONG!!! This is about consideration for ONE ANOTHER’S feelings. Not just yours.
PEW:: you are wrong if you think it would be fun for us to live in Pieville
LM:: You want me to JUST consider yours, while you have ZERO regard for anything I have said.
PEW:: your life would be a living HELL
LM:: Not one.
PEW:: get it do you get it… HELLLLLLLLLLLLL
—————-
In the inimitable words of Homer Simpson, “Can you feeeeeeeel the looooooove?”
—————-

3/28/2001

LM:: HI!
PEW:: hi
LM:: How you?
PEW:: miserable
LM:: Tired?
PEW:: do you have off from school on April 12th
LM:: I don’t know.
LM:: I know that there is a “Spring Break” coming up.
LM:: Could be that week.
LM:: Why?
PEW:: ok, i don’t need to know this instant anyway…TG invited me for dinner over at her house
LM:: I think my bag is in the car. Just remind me when I come home and I will check the schedule.
PEW:: ok. so what happens if we take the house off the market right now
LM:: Why would you want to do that?
PEW:: because #1…I don’t feel like dealing with the shit I have to put up with from you about the painting….#2 I don’t feel like arguing any further about where we are moving to…..#3
LM:: #1 – I won’t give you any shit, if you stop telling me what I need to do. One way or the other, I will take care of it. No problem. #2 – We won’t argue about where we are moving to.
PEW:: we won’t??
LM:: We just need to look at homes, find one, then decide whether or not the location is feasible. I won’t discount anything reasonable in the East direction, if you don’t discount anything reasonble in the West direction. That isn’t asking too much.
PEW:: well what is reasonable in the West direction….to you? anyway that’s not all….#3 is….we weren’t getting along b4 we listed the house and this isn’t helping
LM:: I dunno.
PEW:: make no mistake….I hate this house and I want to move from here…..but maybe this isn’t the time
LM:: Well, I’m certain that IM isn’t the place to decide.
PEW:: no place is appropriate to decide….but we are always at odds about something and I’m tired of it…. I”m tired of having NO sex life, NO intimacy, we can’t even stand each other….what are we thinking
LM:: Well, PEW, if you’d simply be a *little* more open-minded about things, there would be less stressing-out over it.
PEW:: why would we move at a time like this and I certainly wouldn’t move West at a time like this it’s foolish
LM:: We have no sex life because you have, on more than one occasion, used the word “fear” to describe why you don’t want to. As for intimacy… I’ve been giving you head-rubs. I give you lots of hugs and kisses.
PEW:: even b4 I got pregnant it wasn’t great……you have not been giving me head rubs
LM:: And squeezes.
PEW:: PLEASE??!?
LM:: Okay… I see its fight-time. I haven’t the time for this at work, as usual. So I think we should just stop now. If you want to take the house off of the market… you call the realtor and make it so. Whatever you want.
PEW:: no problem
LM:: Okay. Thanks.
—————-
She didn’t. I should have. I didn’t. I still am not doing a consistently good job of de-escalating situations. I’ll slowly, but steadily, improve over the years. Again, these are just documented events. Imagine how many phone arguments and face-to-face arguments filled in the gaps between these documented disasters?

 Subscribe in a reader

Heading to Counseling – Out of Her Control 1/31/2001

Due to the scary escalation of the last encounter, I decided that without her, I needed to find a way to stop the madness. I was going to seek counseling to deal with my own issues, whatever they were, and find a new way to handle things when the inevitable arguments came along. Clearly, engaging in a screaming match doesn’t help. Logic doesn’t help. Reason doesn’t help. Sarcasm doesn’t help. Giving-in doesn’t help. Agreeing and patronizing doesn’t help. Nothing was working.

I started counseling on my own. Joint counseling had failed approximately 3-times before and I really wasn’t interested in sitting through one or two or three sessions only to have her bail out again. This time, I was going to see what I could discover on my own without her interference. Well, it wasn’t long before I discovered that the “without her interference” part was too lofty an expectation.

Another IMversation starts nicely enough, but turns into the regular ambush via computer while I’l at work.

LM: HI. How you?
PEW: good, you?
LM: Good. Son?
PEW: he’s nappin. he’s good though
LM: Good.
PEW: how was the appt
LM: Fetus?
PEW: good
LM: Appt. good.
PEW: good
LM: good.
PEW: so now that you’ve met with the guys twice what do you think of him
———–
See how nicely it starts off? You are lulled into this sense of normalcy and begin having what appears to be a normal discussion. At this point you’re probably thinking, “Does this guy ever learn?” No, not really. Not for many years left to come.
———–
LM: So far so good. I’ve only been “cleared” for 4 visits.
PEW: cleared by who?
LM: Next two will be to work a little harder and get some direction for anything after I’m done with him. Insurance. 4 “freebies”
PEW: I don’t understand what you mean about the next 2
LM: I’ve had 2. I have 2 more with him. Then I have to go elsewhere on referral. We can thank insurance for that, too.
PEW: so basically this time you’ve spent with him is a waste
LM: No… but I’ll just need to carry on elsewhere after 4 visits.
PEW: so I’ll never speak with the guy?
LM: I don’t believe so. I’m the guy who needs help.
———–
So, now I’m trying really, really hard to keep things calm. “I’m the guy who needs help.” I’m going out of my way to avoid putting her on the defensive (after years of “training”) and it’s just not going to work. Again, it’s just not going to work.
———–
PEW: no, we need help….you’re coping with the past situation very well I think. I’m sorry but this isn’t what I was looking for.
LM: Well, I’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t take umbrage with my getting some help. I am looking for help for me.
———–
Wow. I’m going to counseling and she has the audacity to say, “this isn’t what I was looking for.” I won’t bore you be rehashing the unrelenting level of selfishness and sense of total entitlement that she has. Looking back at this, I realize that because I was outside of her control and discussing what was going on with a professional, she felt threatened, and out of control.
———–
PEW: yeah and I want you to have it, but you wouldn’t even be going if I hadn’t said I was going to file to have you out of the house….at the time you told me “you’d walk away from now on” you didn’t offer to go, I asked you to go
LM: Look, I’m sorry. But I don’t want to get into an argument about this. I also don’t appreciate the implication that I didn’t recognize (on the heels of our last episode) that I have some issues that need addressing. I did. Now, I’ve had two sessions. And I am beginning to feel like you are sabotaging me.

PEW: well I had told you in the beginning that the thing is only a referral type service in the beginning
LM: I gave you your space when you were flying solo. I’d appreciate the same respect.
PEW: and that WE were going to need something long term….
———–
“WE?” The selective memory is another frustration I regularly experience. Nevermind that history has shown that when any professional sought to address issues that they felt PEW needed to recognize, counseling was summarily ended. Still, I press on trying explain the situation with logic, a mistake I would make over and over and over again…
———–
LM: PEW – you are not my guidance counselor. I need to address MY issues going forward. It will be helpful to do it that way.
PEW: well since I’m the one that was harmed, I have a God Given right to be a part of the counseling
LM: At this time, the discussion is not productive.
PEW: and I need counseling to figure out if I’m doing the right thing by trying to work this out, because it certainly hasn’t felt like I’m doing the right thing
LM: Your harassing me about counseling does NOTHING to help anyone and I wish you would stop, or you are going in my block list again.
PEW: well I’ll have to consult my family then about what to do because I thought we were going to be working on this problem in counseling
LM: We will. That does not preclude my getting to the root of my issues. Didn’t you find it helpful to go solo prior to going together?
PEW: well, i only went to 2 visits alone. I find this very strange. especially given the nature of why you are there
LM: I am there because I obviously lost control. And went to a point that I shouldn’t have gone by grabbing you. If you believe for one second that I didn’t immediately recognize that as a problem, you aren’t giving me enough credit.
PEW: well at the time, you told me…I hit you first…..I called you a name….you justified it with every excuse you could think of…..
———–
There it is. Despite the reality that she struck first, here I am seeking some guidance and she did nothing. I resist the urge to point that out with the knowledge that it will only serve to degrade this discussion further.
———–
LM: Stop it. Stop it now or I’m blocking you.
PEW: stop what?
LM: You are starting an argument over my counseling. One session was introducing myself and telling why I was there. Today was filling out paperwork, talking a little more, answering questions, and discussing a course of action.
PEW: do what you want, if you are excluding me from the counseling, there’s nothing for us to discuss, I just have to decide how I will proceed from here
LM: You aren’t missing anything. I’M NOT excluding you!
PEW: I don’t need to speak to you anymore
LM: I have issues that need to be addressed. Why is it so difficult for you to let me gain some insight into myself and my reactions? I can’t believe I am defending myself about going to counseling. This is ridiculous.
PEW: once I’m secure in the fact that you’ve told the counselor what happened, I’ll leave you to your insight
LM: That isn’t your job.
PEW: otherwise…I am operating under the assumption that you lied to him
LM: If I haven’t been honest with him, no measure of counseling is going to do me any bit of good. You better get control of yourself.
PEW: exactly. i’m done with you
LM: I’m saving this and sending it to your mother, so she can see what it is you do.
PEW: fucking send it…she hates you
———-
Yeah, I said it again, “you better get control of yourself.” A lot of good that ever did.

The bottom line is this – my seeking counseling on my own threatened her control over me. Since she had no control over what it was I would be sharing with the counselor, she felt threatened. Since she wasn’t there with a new audience to whom she could spout her lies and tell her tale of woe, she felt threatened. This would not be the last time she harassed me about counseling. I can only imagine that each session I attended left her home with her paranoia about what was happening in her absence.

She would attend sessions in the future. She would, again, quit attending when confronted with issues she had and desperately needed to address to get this relationship on the right track.

 Subscribe in a reader