Get Over It? Not Until She Decides It’s Time – 1/18/2001

Here it is, the latter half of January, and the obsession about how I failed her for yet another Christmas holiday continues on. As usual, I try to calm the situation, but quickly get frustrated and descend into patronizing replies which, obviously, do just the opposite.

Though there is a lot to despise about PEW’s behavior, one of the top items was her choice to be mad for an inordinate amount of time. Sometimes, the period was predefined. She would literally tell me the day or date when she would decide to no longer be mad. That burned me up because much like everything else, I didn’t understand the behavior. She does this to the children even today – and I can see how it has messed them up during certain incidents. How cold does one have to be when, in the face of a crying child who is apologizing for some transgression (real or imagined), you could look him in the face when he asks, “I’m really sorry mom, am I forgiven?” and the reply is, “No, you’re not forgiven because I’m not ready yet!” Sick.

This was the year that, in an effort to ensure my sanity during the holidays, we made Christmas lists. I made sure I got her exactly everything on the list. Exactly. How exciting. I couldn’t do anything wrong if I got exactly everything on her list. Of course, I also couldn’t resist making a mistake. This year, it was getting her gift certificates for massages on top of exactly everything on her list. How dare I! Below is the continuation of an argument that undoubtedly started before I left for work.

PEW: and Thank you for making me feel guilty because I don’t want someone other than a medical proffessional massaging my fat body. Thanks
LM: I’m not making you feel guilty. I said keep the two and get your pregnancy massage.
PEW: I don’t want them
LM: Okay.
PEW: you use them
LM: I’ll take them back. Get what you want. That’s all. I just didn’t quite appreciate you launching into the “don’t ever get me any gifts ever” routine after I said, “keep them, and get your pregnancy massage or facial, too.” I didn’t think that telling you to keep them and get the pregnancy thing warranted that response. It made me feel bad.
——
You can’t say I didn’t try to diffuse the situation. The problem is, there I go again with the logic and reason. I always made that mistake, but by this time, you probably already realized that.
—–
PEW: we are broke. well I don’t want you to buy me gifts anymore because you don’t listen
LM: If I sell one of my collectibles for $200 – that means you can get a $60 massage. I bought you everything that you asked for. The massages I thought would be a nice extra and now you are being mean about it. I apologize for adding massages to the list. I don’t want to argue about it. I will take them back, and you can get what it is that you want. I just didn’t need to be made to feel bad about getting you those massages, which is what you did.
PEW: well when we’re broke, every penny counts right. so why would you buy me something that I wont’ be able to use for six months?
LM: Enough PEW. I was thinking about you needing a break from being home with two children. It’s called “foresight.” It’s called “being spontaneous.” When I saw the card in your OBs office, I thought it would be a nice gesture. My mistake.
—–
It doesn’t take long for me to be knocked off track. I mean, how can one argue with the logic that if I sell things I’ve collected over the years in order to make everyone else’s Christmas happy – I’m just inconsiderate and selfish? Clearly, I need help.
—–
PEW: well I’d rather choose my own gifts in the future, you are generous to a fault and usually I wind up resenting it because then I think about all the other things I could have done with the money
—–
Beautiful. Argument 1 – “We’re broke.” Argument 2 – “You’re generous to a fault.” Argument 3 – “I think about all the other things *I* could have done with the money.” Oh, but it gets more bizarre.
—–
LM: 2 $30 massages is not “generous to a fault.”
PEW: I want you to have the things that you want like Hockey games and equipment. yes it is when you are in our predicament
LM: Okay. I’ve had enough of this discussion. You’re right and I’m wrong. Does that make you feel better now?
PEW: No it doesn’t, I’m miserable, I’m depressed, I’m tired of trying to pretend like I’m happy. so sorry if your feelings are hurt, but too bad
—–
There she goes, satisfied that need to beat me into the dirt. We’re not talking a simple knock-down. It’s knock-down, knock-out, continue to kick me in the ribs while unconscious, spit on me, and then kick dirt on me. (Metaphorically speaking.) “Too bad.” That’s what sticks out to me there.
—–
LM: I know… you can’t help yourself but to be mean. I appreciate it. I really do.
PEW: your the one that is mean
LM: I know. I was mean because I wanted to get you massages. I was mean when I spent $60 after selling $1,000 worth of my collectibles. I understand how that all makes sense. I apologize for being so awful and getting those massages. I don’t know what came over me.
PEW: that makes sense when we’re in all this debt and a baby on the way….yeah buy me something I will never use
LM: You’re right.
PEW: do you know how upset a woman’s body image is after having a baby
LM: How could I have been so offensive and inconsiderate.
PEW: why would I want a perfect stranger to see me practically naked
LM: The rudeness of it all. You’re right.
—–
Now my reaction has clearly changed. I’m confident I didn’t think that this attitude would help the situation.
—–
PEW: I told you I’d like to have a facial, a massage at the hospital, my nails done….
LM: Forgive me if I don’t remember “massage at the hospital.”
PEW: I asked you months ago if I could get one there
LM: Okay. If you say so. Look, I’ve already taken responsibility for being so horribly inconsiderate in my spontanaiety in picking up those massages. Is it necessary to continue to beat me down? I’ve apologized. I’ve said it is all my fault. I’ve said I’ll take them back. Is there something else?
PEW: LM let’s not act like we’re all normal and stuff ok
LM: I know we’re not “normal,” I’d like to think that we are taking it one-day-at-a-time.
PEW: I’m depressed, i’ve lost my vision of the future….
LM: That’s all.
PEW: that’s pretty depressing
LM: I understand that.
PEW: well don’t try to make me feel guilty because I want something for myself
LM: Somehow, I don’t think that picking on me is going to help the situation.
PEW: I’m alot nicer to you than you deserve
—–
The scary thing is – she really believes that she is/was a lot nicer than I deserved. She still does.
—–
LM: I didn’t make you feel guilty.
PEW: i’m not picking on you
LM: Stop saying that.
PEW: well don’t say I’m picking on you, you’re not a child
LM: I was upset that you decided to make me feel like a jerk for picking up those massages. that is what happened. I simply said “keep them and get the massage or facial that you want now.” Then you started picking on me about getting them in the first place.
PEW: you’re not a jerk for picking up the massages, but you could have said “would you rather have a massage, facial, or manicure”? $60 is ALOT of money to me
LM: Exactly how is that different from “keep them and get what you want now?”
PEW: because I’m not spending a dime on myself until our finances get better. not a dime
LM: That still doesn’t explain how that is different from “what would you rather have?” I will sell one of my collectibles to pay for whatever you want now.
PEW: what collectibles?
LM: Otherwise, I won’t sell them and we will be no different than when this conversation started. The ghosts. I want you to have a facial, a manicure, and a massage for all the work that pregnancy is. So, instead of me keeping those dolls, I’ll sell them just for that purpose and be very, very happy and proud to have done it.
PEW: please….I just want my life back, I want to have a little bit of happiness for a change
LM: I know. Make a day of it or something?
PEW: No
—–
Of course not! Why do that when I can choose to be miserable and make your life a horror?
—–
LM: Get the whole trio. I don’t get it. What is it that is the problem here? I can take back the 2 massages.
PEW: well the problem is that you won’t be able to take them back
LM: We can use Ebay money without missing a payment beat so that you can get what you want. What is the problem? Even if I can’t – it doesn’t mean you can’t get them.
PEW: yes it does, because we cannot afford it. we cannot afford it. I just want gifts that I want in the future
—–
We can’t afford it, but she wants to spend it. If I spend it – on her – it’s rude and inconsiderate. However, she can spend it and none of her logic used on me comes into play.
—–
LM: As I said… I gave you everything that was on your wish list. The massages were extra.
PEW: maybe someday when we have money if that day ever comes you can waste money on things that you want to give me
LM: And I find it very ungrateful of you that you would vilify me for getting them for you. It just isn’t nice. Stop it. We won’t miss a bill for that $60.
PEW: well being miserable isn’t really conducive with being nice…..sorry
LM: We won’t miss a bill if you get a facial, a manicure, and/or a massage at the hospital. Being miserable isn’t an excuse for bashing me for doing something I thought was nice… sorry.
PEW: I’m sorry that i’m so miserable that I can’t be happy that I got 2 gifts for christmas that I will never want to use
LM: I didn’t ask you to be happy. I asked you not to be mean. There is a difference.
PEW: You know, for the past year and half, I’ve been trying to figure out what the rest of my life is going to be like, finally I was seeing a little light at the end of the tunnel, then this shit happened, now all I keep seeing is the pathetic lives of my mother or your mother….i’d like to be happy sometime in my life and I’d like to find it in more places than just playing with my children
PEW: you should try being pregnant and in my situation
LM: Unfortunately, I can’t.
PEW: it’s no fun I’ll tell you that
LM: I could sit around and be miserable about our predicament, or take a step back and realize the value of what I have, and work to improve it.
PEW: well unfortunately I can’t escape it, i’m here with S1 for 50 hours a week, then I’m here with you and S1 for the balance of that time….. i have not choice but to think about it. Especially when the days go by so slowly in the winter. and they go by even slower when your pregnant and broke
LM: We eat like king and queen and prince. We have better clothes than most people who are really “broke.” We aren’t BROKE, we have debt that is swallowing up our income. So there is little “extra” laying around.
PEW: well I don’t mean broke….I mean no money to kill time with
LM: You need to stop making the situation sound so grave, when it simply isn’t.
PEW: it is for me
LM: What would you do if you “had money?”
PEW: I don’t know
LM: I mean… once the debt is gone, we have to start organizing in such a way that money is put away for educations and stuff like that. How can you not know?
PEW: i wouldn’t spend as much time at home
LM: What would you do? You complain about it as if you knew that “if you had money, you would be doing ‘X’ instead.” What do you friends with children do?
PEW: some go to the gym while their kids are in school…. it’s not the lack of money ok. it’s just being unhappy and not being able to see a light at the end of the tunnel
—–
She would just make up things on the fly. The rare times I did manage to get her focused on what she was saying or doing, I would get the result I was expecting – she had no idea what she was saying or why. That’s a clear example. Almost anytime I gave her a reality check – the truth would cross her up. You could see it in her eyes and yet there was never any acknowledgement and worse – nothing I could do about it. It changed nothing.
—–
LM: Okay. I can comprehend that.
PEW: we can start putting away for educations when I go back to work, if we are still together, if we are not still together, our children will have to do it the hard way like we did
LM: Wonderful.
PEW: I still have to finish school too
LM: We can start putting money away when we make a reasonable budget and allocate money accordingly. True.
PEW: right. we’ll see what happens, I can’t comprehend S1’s college when I don’t even know what’s going to happen in 2 months. I have no security in this life. none
LM: Okay.
—–
We wish you a Marry Christmas, we wish you a Merry Christmas, we wish you a Merry Christmas… but our wish won’t come true!

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Another Example of How States Help Themselves…

…while screwing so many others in the process.

I pay child support. I’ve always been current except when matters created fictional arrearages, afterwhich, I would immediately make a lump-sum payment to settle up the matters that were before the court (finalizing any changes in circumstances). I’ve prided myself on staying current whether I agree with the formula for calculating the number or not and whether she wasted the money or not. I’ve never been “put into enforcement” except by error on the part of domestic relations which was immediately corrected.

I hate wage garnishments. For me it would be like having a scarlet letter. “Can’t be responsible enough to pay on your own, you gotta have it taken from you by the state gestapo!”

Unfortunately, given the pure genius that is the folks that find new and interesting ways to: collect more support than necessary, fraudulently puff up those who are “deadbeats” behind in their payments, and make their own jobs easier – the states will find a way to get into your business and, of course, fuck it all up.

The recently enacted law of my terrorland makes wage garnishment mandatory – whether you are behind in child support or not. If you’re in the system – you have your wages garnished. That’s the new rule. So much for the scarlet letter. Now we’re all on garnishment. Not just those struggling to make a life for themselves while paying often incredibly high child support for the alleged “basic needs” of the children.

Additionally, they’ve taken to billing you a full month in advance rather than the old method of billing you according to your pay period. On the surface, that seems like a great idea. They’re streamlining it. Everyone on the same cycle… well, all except for that “in advance” part.

Finally, they’ve enacted automatic support modification orders to your employer when something changes. Herein is where the complete clusterfuck takes flight…

I discover this because when the new order was put in place for my situation, it included an additional $20/month for “arrearages.” Me? ARREARAGES?!?! CAN’T BE!!! I call and say, “Hey, dumb child support enforcement people! I’m current and I hereby demand you remove that $20 extra per month off of my order! That’s a new scarlet letter which I have not yet earned the right to bear!”

Okay, that’s not really a direct quote, but it does convey my disdain for the system. They check. Mister-M is correct! They will get right on it!

Then comes the letter a few days later in the mail. They will not issue a new support order removing the $20/month for arrearages because with the “new and improved” changes to the system, you’re automatically in arrears because they bill you in full at the beginning of the month. I’m told when that is caught up, they will automatically issue a new order to the employer to modify the support order to remove the $20 for my fictional arrears.

So now, let’s look at the genius that is these changes and just how many people this affects.

Facts:

Since they bill at the beginning of the month in full, unless your employer pays you in advance for the full month you’re about to work, you’re now in arrears. I don’t think too many workers fall into that category.

– This means that excepting the people noted above, which is probably no people, everyone in my state is now in arrears at least some portion of every month. My guess that statistic will do wonders for the hysteria surrounding how many “deadbeats” there are. With the new system, that figure would be 100% at some point every month unless you’ve paid 2-months in child-support up front.

– This means that in order to never be in arrears, you have to pay 2-months in advance to keep from showing up in the system as having a balance on your account. It’s not paid to the payee in advance. It does comes out of the pocket of the payor in advance. So, who benefits by having either the payor paying a full month in advance and/or by enforcing a fraudulent arrears add-on to the tune of $20/month times the tens of thousands of people – you guessed it! THE STATE!

– Not only does it overstate their necessary collections for which they get federal matching dollars having collected it; because it isn’t paid out, all that money sitting in their coffers collects interest, too! So much for the “best interests of the children.”

Wait! Here’s the real genius of the “system.” THE AUTOMATIC MODIFICATION ORDERS TO EMPLOYERS. Someone hit me with a real good guestimate of what this is costing the state and the employers to maintain this disaster:

The automatic order goes into effect and is sent to my employer’s headquarters for administration. They do what they need to do to get it done. All nice and neat, right? Wrong.

– I’m billed (hypothetically, for the sake of round figures) $1,000/month in advance for my child support payments.

– I get paid twice per month, say… the 10th and the 25th of the month.

– I get $500 taken out each pay.

– My system account shows a $500 balance after the first check.

– My system account shows a $0 balance after the second check.

What happens?

The system sends out a support modification removing the $20/month arrearage. My HQ now has to jump through hoops and administrate the new support order, change everything in the computer system, update the records, change the payroll – everything that needs to be done.

If they don’t follow the court order, there are stiff fines and penalties, etc.

What happens now?

February 1st rolls around and my system account bills me for $1000 in child support and puts me automatically in arrears. This triggers a new support order to add $20/month back into the order.

– By this time, my next paycheck is issued with new amount garnished.

– My HQ gets the new order, and has to put it through the system.

– I get $500 taken out each pay.

– My system account shows a $500 balance after the first check.

– My system account shows a $0 balance after the second check.

What happens?

This goes on every single day. This happens to me every single month. You have to believe every single employer has someone with a wage garnishment for child-support. They’ve streamlined the system and made it a nightmare for employers all over the state.

They’re getting 2 orders per month to modify back and forth for arrearages that don’t really exist.

Imagine how much it’s costing the state to issue, re-issue, re-re-issue support modifications chasing down the fictional arrears? Imagine how much it’s costing companies to do follow-through on these orders under the threat of fines and penalties, many for multiple employees every month?

In the meantime, they’ve upped their collection money which increases the state bonus from the feds. They’ve increased their interest by collecting all this money in advance without having to disburse it. They’ve padded the hysterical stats that radical feminists will use to support their contention that fathers are all willfully failing to pay child-support while floating around the marina in their yachts and taking their 20-something girlfriend(s) clubbing every night in their Bentley.

Everyone else is running around like maniacs trying to cover the asses of those who made these changes that benefit no one but the state.

When I discussed this with the clearly frustrated CSDU clerk, she said simply, “I know this is a disaster. We have so many companies calling and complaining about it but there is nothing we can do.”

Except keep on collecting the cash.

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When Should the Children Have a Say?

We get and welcome feedback of any sort from those of you who stop by for a visit. In addition to the feedback we receive directly in the comments to posts, we also receive email and plenty of it! Great! Every so often, we come across something that merits some extra attention. This feedback is one that rises to the level of a response in order to tighten up some loose ends as well as provide more education as to who we’re dealing with and why we deal with her in the manner we do.

Reader Writes: So, i’ve read the entire blog thus far… and I have to say, your ex-wife is ONE crazy bitch.

I’m on your side, I’m with you… but I just have to ask… what DID the boys want that holiday? Did they WANT to spend New Years with their Mom? I know she’s a total asshole, but to a child, their mother is their mother…

This is not an uncommon thought. Unfortunately, the reality that many people fail to understand is that children of 6 and 9 don’t get a “say” in where they will spend custodial time in the aftermath of a divorce. That is, at least not in a divorce as incredibly contentious as this one has been. You won’t often see someone say, “well, to a child, their father is their father.” I know that there is some disconnect as we try to mesh history with current events, but you’ve read relevant material to the question you’ve asked and I’m left to wonder if you understood how the holiday schedule for this year came about? Keep in mind, aside from her custodial interference from the Christmas of 2006 (for which she was found guilty of contempt of court resulting in the 2007 holiday schedule), there have been prior issues of interference as well. I hadn’t had a Christmas Holiday with my children since 2003 – prior to our split.

I wonder if anyone asked if the children wanted to spend a holiday with their father?

The most important thing at issue here is this – you don’t “ask the children” who they want to spend their time with, at least, not at this age. The absolute worst thing you could do is put your children in a position to have to “choose” one parent over another (regardless of how you may personally feel about the other parent). There is a set schedule for a reason – to offer some semblance of stability in the unstable environment that is the aftermath of a divorce. It is of paramount importance to keep them shielded from the issues that take place between the grown-ups. You give them every available opportunity to let them just be kids without being unnecessarily thrust into the ongoing issues between mom and dad.

Understanding that it took more than 3-years and my entire life savings just to obtain 50/50 custody and offer them at least some semblance of a normal household and meaningful time with me, their father, who was heavily involved in every aspect of their lives prior to being forced out by a malicious mother – putting the decision of when and how long they spend time with me in anyone else’s hands is not something I will do in the foreseeable future.

Reader writes: I hope everyone’s not getting caught up in the fight. True, she uses insanity and all out anger to get at you, but you use coldness and technicalities to get a rise out of her. They may seem like defense mechanisms, but it seems as though they’re doubling as attacks as well…

Addressing two issues – “coldness” and “technicalities.” What I am is not cold, it’s professional. If you know anything about dealing with a borderline personality, any deviation from the absolute minimum to address only issues pertaining to the children – is asking for trouble.

I’m at a loss to understand how following the order to the letter is a “technicality.” On the contrary, it’s an absolute necessity. Failure to follow the order to the letter and deviating from it opens your generosity up to unlimited exploitation and manipulation by the BPD. You’ve seen only a small portion of the failures that took place in the relationship. You can see how fast the BPD drags many irrelevant issues making a standard disagreement to any normal couple into a thermonuclear explosion of devastating proportions.

Following the order and expecting her to follow the order – is not an attack. It is actually avoidance of attacks. Following the rules should never be considered an attack. Failure to follow the rules – is. The only parent who has repeatedly and methodically failed to follow the rules – is The PEW.

Reader writes: I just wonder though, if you shouldn’t talk a little more about how the kids are doing with all of this… so that it wouldn’t sound like they’re not a factor. I feel for you and I give you credit, my father-in-law abandoned his children because his ex-wife was bipolar and was TOO difficult to deal with to see them; I just wonder what they want. I know it’s hard for young children to want what’s right… they likely enjoy the gameboy more than the hikes for now…

What the children want(ed) was for their family and parents to not split up. Unfortunately, that was mom’s decision and honestly, not one I regret her making at all. Life in that house for all of us was hell. I do feel bad that I cannot shield them from her behavior more than the 50% I currently have them, but who knows what the future holds?

It’s an excellent point and one we’ve talked about at length. We have decided to discuss how the kids are faring with issues only when they are directly affected. The kids are actually faring well. S1 is an emotional character. He is overweight by some 30-pounds which bothers him. He continues to do quite well in school (with a few behavioral issues which are improving). S2 is a “happy-go-lucky” boy with a bit of a devious streak (not uncommon for a boy of that age). He is also doing well in school and so far appears to be adjusting well (some attentiveness and goof-off issues in school which are being addressed). Overwhelmingly, while they have some issues that are easily attributable to destruction of their family, so far they are doing quite well.

When it is relevant we do give the children a choice. For instance, while we haven’t yet written about the issues of Summer 2007, at one point they had a weekend where they were supposed to be back with Psycho Mom at the same time swimming championships were going on. While we believed it was paramount that S1 participate as he had worked extremely hard all summer to qualify, the decision was left up to him as his mother refused to drive down so he could see her and attend championships (something we would have done for our children, but PEW often doesn’t choose things based on what is best for the children, instead choosing what is easiest for her.) He chose to go home for the weekend and his decision was honored. We can guarantee that if he had chosen to stay with us he would be been emotionally terrorized by his mother, she’s done it before, which is why we very rarely ask him to make a choice like that. He knows he is safe no matter what he chooses with us, but he does not have that same belief about his mother, he knows he will be punished if she believes he likes us better. On the flip side, there have been the rare instance where I have given up a day or two to which we’ve been entitled so that one or the other can attend a special event that conflicted with the custody schedule, such as a fishing tournament in which my oldest enjoys participating.

As for the “gameboy” – I won’t relent. When at mom’s – their days are filled almost exclusively with television and computer games. There is little, if any, interpersonal interaction and it shows in their lacking social skills. The interaction they do have with neighborhood children is primarily with their neighbor’s kids – who are just downright scary (stories for another day). They don’t often play well with others. S9 is a sore loser when it comes to board games and such. Both are in need of improvement in the areas of interacting well with others. It’s not a crisis, don’t get me wrong, but if some of these core issues aren’t turned around soon, it will make for a very rough middle- and high-school experience.

Bottom line is – they get more than enough (bad) television and computer games for the both of us while at PEW’s home. In our home, reading, physical activities, board games or other activities which involve personal interaction with other people are the order of most days.

Reader writes: Just asking: are their needs equally important making and following court appointed rules? …

Their needs are most important to me. I can’t speak for the court. We follow the rules of the court because it has been proven time and time again – without them, the chaos and terror that the PEW can unleash reigns supreme… and this will be demonstrated over and over and over again.

– Calling the police on us for no reason, resulting in the children being seen and questioned by them (from several states away).

– A false allegation of child abuse which saw our entire family interrogated by Child Protective Services… which had the children crying, fearing being taken away from us (both mine AND DW’s).

– No fewer than a half-dozen false contempt-of-court petitions filed against me by her – all unfounded and summarily dismissed (yet, she still has yet to be sanctioned for making sworn falsification to authorities…)

– Repeated instances of custodial interference.

I bend over backwards to shield the children from these goings-on and never speak poorly of their mother in front of the children. Doing so would be horrible for them. Unfortunately, the same cannot be said for either her or her family members, and we manage that the best we can.

Reader, your interesting and tough questions are welcomed. Here’s hoping the replies give you, and others, a little more food for thought as they relate to our situations. Maybe they’ll help yours, too.

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Book Review: Stop Walking On Eggshells

Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care about Has Borderline Personality Disorder

by Authors: Paul T. Mason and Randi Kreger

———-

After having read this amazingly insightful book which gives a methodical look into the root causes of borderline personality disorder and the associated effects it has on the sufferer’s life and those who have attempted to have relationships with them, I am put in a position to present two separate reviews of Stop Walking On Eggshells. One review is of the creation and development of the borderline personality disorder. The second review is of the suggestions offered to the non-sufferers in managing their relationship, should they choose to do so, with the person who has this devastating disorder.

Authors Mason and Kreger likely could not have done better in breaking down borderline personality disorder; from its origins in the patient’s childhood through the chaos and terror that they suffer and perpetrate on others into and throughout adulthood. They provide invaluable information to the reader by identifying the behaviors, symptoms, and traits of the borderline person. Mason and Kreger do a terrific job of breaking down the DSM-IV diagnostic criteria into understandable language. If you have a relationship of any kind with a person suffering from BPD, this book could be considered second-to-none in helping you understand why they behave the way they do. Having suffered for more than 12-years (ongoing in the aftermath of divorce with children) – it was somewhat of a relief to find out that I really wasn’t going insane. I was not the cause of her drama and chaos. My often intense level of confusion left me questioning my own mental health and, at times, what was reality. Of particular interest where the excerpts of the thoughts and feelings of both the BPD and non-BPD throughout this book. If you’ve suffered such intense abuse at the hands of a BPD, their “thoughts” about how they feel and how they should be treated or understood can be a bit unnerving. Conversely, you will find some measure of relief as the non-BPDs recount their feelings and experiences.

In that regard, this book is a must-have if you need a comprehensive understanding of the person you’ve encountered who is or may be suffering from borderline personality disorder.

The second part of my review must be read with consideration that I’ve had a long-term and ongoing relationship with a now ex-spouse who I strongly suspect of suffering from BPD. I say that simply because she has never been professionally diagnosed.

If you’ve had any level of experience with a BPD sufferer, there is a lot in this book that will strike you as “easier said than done.” Worse, it might make you feel as the BPD made you feel – like you aren’t or weren’t good enough to handle the situation that confronted you so intensely. You may be offended.

Perhaps I was expecting a more sympathetic view towards the non-borderline and what I was met with were suggestions and coping mechanisms that were without a true sense of the level of suffering that has been levied upon the non-BPD. If this is you – the way in which these suggestions are delivered could rise to the level of offensive. If this is not you, it will be viewed with a vastly different understanding. The difficulty in practical application of these techniques is something that you couldn’t possibly fathom without having been “in the trenches” yourself. Offering a BPD’s viewpoint about how a non-BPD should be more understanding of their suffering and how to better handle them is tantamount to a perpetrator of torture telling their victim to understand better why they do what they do and how to accept it.

I strongly believe that Paul Mason and Randi Kreger needed to do a better job of conveying to readers that the “matter of fact” delivery of suggested methods of dealing with a borderline are impractical in day-to-day application and virtually impossible to achieve with a BPD when you are “under fire.” I know that this description sounds dramatic, but those who have been there would understand that language completely. I know psychologists who refuse to work with people having borderline personality disorder because of their level of chaotic, terroristic, and incredibly manipulative behavior. To expect an untrained person to handle it well under the circumstances is unrealistic. I also understand that there are those who don’t necessarily have a choice to avoid dealing with a BPD, for example, parents of a child with BPD. For those folks, these suggestions could prove to be a life preserver of sorts.

Overall, for a complete understanding of the development of borderline personality disorder, the impact on the sufferer, and the impact on those around the sufferer, this book should be at or near the top of your list.

~LM

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Advice: GB writes – "Courts Don’t Care About How Men Feel"

We were only married for three years. She determined, somehow, that she wanted to commit adultery. Well, that was the end because I took our vows seriously. She committed one of the three A’s that I feel are terms for divorce: adultery, abuse, and alcoholism.

Well, for me it was the start of a nightmare or a 15-year stint in hell. See, we had a son together. She, of course, had “residential custody”. [She] received child support and received permission to make my life miserable. Well, first off it didn’t occur to her that I just lost my son. She only saw that now she could be [with] her new beau. So, she promptly moved in with him. Mind you, I do see my son regularly. I get a phone call one evening, “he’s going to hurt me, please help.” Well, off I go, more to protect my son not her. Well, after a week he’s gone.

So, she moves on only to find out she has a new man. Guess that’s why the last one was upset. Well, she moves in with the new one taking my son with her. Well, at this point I investigated whether or not I could get custody of my son. Yep, you guessed it, the courts would hear nothing of it. Well, she was with this one for two-years and again here comes the phone call. We need help. Man, what’s the woman doing, I think, and of course, because it’s my son, I help. Stupid or not? Well, things now are changing. She is becoming greedy. You’ll see as I go on.

Well, not three-months later – a new man. Yep, she moves-in within a week. I suggest to her that she should wait, man, I’ll never say that again. “You don’t give me enough money to live by ourselves” was her answer. I was incredulous. Why do say to that? Your son standing right there. Well, this man doesn’t last too long with her, either. Two-years. Yep, you guessed it – a phone call. Need help. Well, I’m no sucker, I thought, you’re going to have to do this one on your own. Okay, your son will stay at my mother’s while I do this. If you saw her mother’s house, you would understand. Yep, off I go.

Well, it seemed things where going in the right direction – she got an apartment. A guy moved in with her. I think this one lasted six-months. Man, I’m getting beside myself, [but] what the hell can I do? I contact a lawyer [and] lay down the story I’ve told you thus far.

I get, “Well, the courts are not going look kindly on her but they will not give you custody of your child.” Man, imagine how that makes a man feel. Oh, women and the courts don’t care about how men feel.

A little about me: I’m by no means perfect, but far better than her. There are many details I’ve left out to shorten the story on her side. I’ll only say she is very materialistic. Me, I’m simple I can live simply. Anyhow, I lost a couple jobs during this time and got behind on child support, but I did make and am making up the payments that I missed. I’ve never remarried. Not to say I haven’t had relationships, but never moved in or had them live with me.

Perhaps that is why I never remarried. Or maybe it was the amount of child support I have to pay based on my salary. Trust me when I say I got nailed hard. By anyone else’s standard you wouldn’t believe it. So, at every turn, I mean every turn, weekly, my son had a problem she needed money for. A stuffy nose here, therapy there, you name it – she came up with a reason to extract money from me. Perhaps the women I had in life couldn’t handle that. Yes, I love my child very much. I’d give my life for his if it came to it. As you can see I’m fairly simple. Oh, and yes I finally found a woman that wants me no matter what, but I can’t let her close right now. You’ll understand a little later.

Well while she was in her apartment, she had about three guys move in and out. She met a man that, believe it or not I actually liked this guy. She ended up marrying him. (I WARNED HIM) Their marriage did not go well and [they] divorced. I’m still friends with him and he keeps telling me, “you warned me.” Well, their marriage ended and my son had had enough. “Dad, I’m coming to live with you.” He’s 17 now. Now has been with me for five months. I’ve filed to have the child support stop to her. She disagrees and wants the money. I’ve explained to her how it’s going to work. Boy, you would have thought the world cracked in two. She has never tried to make me feel so guilty about anything before. I just told her like she has done to me – it’s about our son. I think now you understand why I can’t have anyone close right now. Just so many things going on that I just don’t have time for a relationship. My child graduates this year, so I have everything connected with that. Also, I’m changing jobs because of the housing slow down.

Do you think that a judge will grant me custody, as well as having all the child support I’ve paid since he moved in with me applied to arrears and have her pay child support, which I really don’t want, just have it applied to arrears? Can all of it be wrapped in one case? Well, the end for now. I’ll finalize the story at the end of July.

Thanks,
GB

———–

Dear GB,

I’ve been surprised in my experiences both negatively and positively with regard to the decisions of judge’s. In some of the circles I review, that’s been the experience of many, though some of the worst negative experiences have been with fathers.

First, consult your attorney when seeking guidance about what to expect in court and the appropriate course of action to take.

That said, I don’t believe it’s unreasonable for you to expect that the custody will be granted and, on a lesser level, the support will change. This is assuming you have already filed for both a custody modification and a support modification.

At 17-years old, most states will give a great deal of consideration to him in terms of his choice of where to live. He has recognized that being with you will reduce the level of chaos and associated stress in his life. As for the support situation, it is very difficult to obtain support retroactively except in certain specific circumstances. My experience has been that support modifications are only retroactive to the day you filed for support modification and not before. This is why it is vitally important that when there is a substantial change in circumstances, you file right away. The PEW has gotten out of substantial childcare expenses due to my lack of understanding that the family courts don’t allow you to “go back” and collect what is legally owed you or apply to a responsible party what they are legally responsible for.

Assuming that you’ve already filed for the aforementioned modifications, I believe that you have a very good chance to have your wishes realized. We wish you all the best.

Sincerely,
LM

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Game of Contempt Hearing "Chicken" – Ends

Updating the readership…

This morning, I received an early text message from The Psycho Ex-Wife:

PEW: The hearing has been cancelled.

Of course, I don’t reply. This was soon followed by a second text message:

PEW: Don’t make me regret it.

Of course, I didn’t reply. This was soon followed by an email:

PEW: All I’m asking for is some sense of decency between us. I cancelled today because I can’t do this anymore with you. Do what’s best for the boys, that’s all. Whether you want to believe it or not, keeping them for three weeks in a row, as not a good thing for them.

Of course, I didn’t reply.

A sense of decency, she writes. I suppose I was “indecent” because I had custody of the children for three straight weeks, nevermind that it was the result of her being found guilty of contempt-of-court for custodial interference, effectively “stealing” from my holidays with the children last year. This would have been the sixth contempt petition in 2-years from her. All of them have been dismissed. As glad as I am to avoid having to go back to court, I was prepared to pull out all the stops in an effort to get Judge Contempt to impose some serious sanctions against her for this petition and for any furture, unsupportable petitions. Alas, no continuation, she withdrew the petition.

My assumptions regarding why she did this are as follows:

– She thought I would be working from the home office this week, which would have saw me have to drive several hours the night before to attend court. Without such inconvenience to me, it lost it’s effect.

– Had I needed to bail-out on what is the single biggest project at work for which I’m responsible may have put my job in jeopardy. That would have put her bi-weekly stipend at risk.

– (Less likely) She feared getting bonked on the head with a gavel as the JC is really fed up with her antics and seeing us in court so often we were going to be given reserved seating with our names engraved on the chairs. She had no case. The court order was clear.

Onward until the next meltdown…

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The Family Terrorist

It’s funny how you can live your whole life not being aware of something so large that has been sitting right in front of your eyes. I was aware of the women’s movement of course and feminism, and the fact that the balance of the view on men has changed so dramatically, but I was never aware of how it began, and certainly not of who started the process. I really believed that because I care about men and fathers and treat them appropriately, and that in my own family we have always been equals in raising children and beyond, that other’s views wouldn’t affect me. Oh how wrong I was. As I’ve been doing research to handle our own situation, I stumbled upon Erin Pizzey, founder of the first women’s shelter in the UK which of course launched a shitstorm of women who became national victims for the sake of being a victim. The first article I read by Erin was simply the first article that ever described exactly how PEW acts not only now, but during the entire marriage. From Working With Violent Women she writes:

“It is unfortunate that the legal situation which many divorce agreements mandate is open-ended. Certainly, when both parties to a divorce are reasonably well-balanced, it is entirely fitting for the settlement to be flexible enough to incorporate changing financial circumstances, child-care capabilities, and visitation rights. When, however, one party to the divorce is an emotional terrorist, then both the confrontational divorce procedure and the resultant open-ended divorce settlement provide infinite opportunity for the courts, lawyers, and the entire battery of psychologists called in for evaluations, to be used a the terrorist’s weapons. In these cases, the court and the divorce procedure provide no boundaries for the terrorist; instead they allow the terrorist to continue to behave boundlessly.”

…….

“To limit the terrorist’s feelings of omnipotence, there are many effective measures. The guiding principle, as in the handling of political terrorists, must be ‘There is no negotiating with terrorists.’ Endless telephone calls, conversations, confrontation, trial ‘get-back-togethers,’ correspondence, visitations, gestures of appeasement, and efforts to placate the terrorist’s demands, all serve to reinforce the terrorist’s belief that she is accomplishing something. Only determined resolution in the face of terrorism shows the terrorist that her power is limited.”

I was hooked on Erin Pizzey after 5 minutes. I loved her. I wanted to bring her home with me. So of course, I continued reading from her book Prone To Violence:

“Again no one wanted to hear the uncomfortable truth. And that truth was that there are so many thousands of violence-prone people, born and raised in violence, who know no other lifestyle except to terrorise and mutilate each other or any innocent victim who comes into their circle.”

…….

“But it is a mistake to think of violence as a collection of bruises and broken bones. It is not the physical attacks that do the worst of the damage; it is the slow destruction of a human soul in the hands of people already suffering from their own violent natures. Until it is accepted by everyone that verbal violence can do far more damage than even the most savage physical onslaught, we will continue to react only to stories and pictures of visibly battered children, and comfort ourselves that it only happens among the poor and the feckless.”

You may not be able to tell from these two excerpts, but Prone to Violence is about the women she encountered in the shelters who were just as, if not more, violent than the men they were escaping. It’s interesting to note, although not entirely surprising, that Pizzey did once create a shelter for battered men but found funding to be lacking, even from the same sources that fully funded the women’s shelters. She is once again turning towards helping battered men currently in the UK, and I for one, wish her well.

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Sitting on the Edge of Our Seats

I’m sure you are all wondering what is happening with PEW’s latest (false) contempt petition filing, because of course you have nothing else to do. As you may recall, LM got a continuance until January 24th for the original hearing that was scheduled for December 26th. I bet you just realized that that is tomorrow!

Of course we heard from PEW, after she realized that um, yet again, she was dead wrong, that she was going to be the “better” person and withdraw the petition. Of course, she never did, later saying she was keeping the court date since she hadn’t seen “any remorse” from LM. As if.

As it turned out, LM had a very important business event scheduled for Jan 24th, and seeing as how he had been unemployed for 9 months when his previous employer moved across the country, we thought it would be prudent for him to try to KEEP his job. Of course, PEW told the court she wasn’t willing to continue the hearing, surprise! So, yesterday LM was greeted with an e-mail from PEW with an attachment she had just faxed to the court:

“Due to some health issues I am having that need my immediate attention, I intend to withdraw my petition for contempt filed 12/12/07.

I know LM requested a continuance last week, which I subsequently requested that the court deny, but that was before I found out that I needed to tend to this health issue.”

Now, first of all, no way we believe something is actually wrong with her health, though we mightily wish some evil disease would befall her. (Hey, this is the woman who referred to LM as scarface after he had cancer removed under his eye two years ago. She’s a peach.) What we do believe is that she is trying to get out of the hearing with what little self respect she has left, and of course she is DYING for LM to ask what is wrong. As if. I mean, if she is sooo right and he is in contempt, why not just approve the continuance LM requested so she can deal with it after whatever health issue she is having (I’m praying for Locked-in syndrome) is treated? The answer, she’s psycho.

So, the rest of the letter went on to say that she was unable to actually get to the courthouse to file the withdrawal, cuz she’s so *cough*cough* sick, and while I’m not an attorney, I’m pretty sure that means it’s not withdrawn and the conference is still on. We’ll see what happens.

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A Postlude to Another Miserable Christmas – 1/11/2001

The Christmas of 2000 was one of many that were very unhappy. Compounding matters was just after New Year’s Day 2001, we had engaged in another blow-out which resulted in a physical exchange. I ended up with bloody claw-marks across the left side of my face and neck and the family room being ransacked… by PEW… 5-months pregnant.

As usual, I can’t quite recall what it was we were even arguing about. We had these regularly scheduled blowouts so often that you just can’t always remember the specifics. They all seem to run together through history and I can’t recall too many that were about anything earth shattering. I’m sure this one was no exception.

While yelling at one another things escalated. PEW was 5-months pregnant with S2. She was holding S1, then 2-1/2 years old, in her right arm and we were standing close to one another. Without warning, she slashed at me like a rabid cougar with her right paw, catching me on the side of the face as I tried to rear back, turning my head. In one motion, I came back around and, with my right hand, I grabbed her firmly and angrily told her, “You had better get control of yourself RIGHT NOW!” Immediately realizing that I could have quite easily escalated to a point-of-no-return, I released her, backed away, and immediately apologized for grabbing her (with blood trickling down my face and neck).

With that, she calmly handed me S1, who I took in my arms. He was crying. What happened next was almost surreal. She walked into the family room and completely ransacked it while I stood there and watched. As she flipped every table, threw every lamp and table-top item there was, I kept repeating, “Will you please knock it off! You’re 5-months pregnant and I’m afraid something bad is going to happen!” She didn’t. She wouldn’t. So, I removed myself and S1 to the living room until she was done.

That’s what happened. We slept in separate rooms that night, though, I recall I didn’t actually sleep that much. The next day, while I was at work, she had packed some things and went to her parents with S1 “for a few days.” I cleaned up the family room the next night.

A few days later, the expected IMversation would commence. Even as I re-read this now, it makes me slightly ill – not just her usual blatant projection and her uncanny ability to completely re-write the way an event occurred, but my apologizing for my lack of self-control in grabbing her by the arm after being assaulted. This is how far one can descend when plunged into the deep hole that a BPD drags you into. I can’t think of why I did that. My guess is years of “training” at the hands of PEW and the disordered behavior. Maybe a desire to try to de-escalate the situation, a futile effort, but one I would repeatedly attempt without success. Even still, you’ll notice she is right back on the offensive. She just never stops.

PEW: i need to ask you something
LM: Hi. Okay.
PEW: i don’t know what to do
LM: Okay. Look, I made a error in judgment the other night. I can only apologize and hope you can forgive me.
PEW: is there something going on in your life that I should know about
LM: Nope. Things are fine at work. I got good grades last semester (Both classes). Work is looking up as my “bonus-projects” are nearing completion. My wife and kids are healthy… and I am excited about our new baby coming.
PEW: It’s not that I can’t forgive you, but things like this have happened before….not for a long time but it’s a serious problem
LM: I’m sorry. I just can’t take the words. I just have to discipline myself to leave the house when it starts. Since you can’t promise not to do it. I just have to. First curse – I have to go take a timeout. That’s all I can do. I love you, I really, really do.
PEW: well we’ve been together for six years and we can’t seem to get it right. i know you do and I love you
LM: Discipline. It’s all about discipline. I’ll just go in the future. Avoid arguments. It’s that simple.
PEW: but I want this to be over and it won’t ever be
LM: I don’t think it is the correct method.
PEW: I think you need help
LM: But we can’t discuss difficult topics without the insult and curse barrage. And I have to avoid it. I agree. I need help in dealing with how to control myself when you can’t control yourself.
PEW: you blame me
LM: You may not like it put in that premise… but I obviously have a problem with self control when the insults start flying.
PEW: your temper is much worse than mine
LM: I just do. Enough about my temper.
PEW: I would never ever initiate physical contact with you during an arguement
LM: You just can’t see how your words set me off. You just did!

—–
Here is where she starts the fiction. After what transpired, she claims to “never” intiate physical contact. This wasn’t the first time. It also wouldn’t be the last time.
—–

PEW: well I think I’m leaving. they are excuses
LM: It’s not excuses… it is an obvious problem.
PEW: you don’t think this situation is directly related to your upbringing
LM: I can’t control myself when insulted. You wanted to ask a question.
PEW: i think i’m going to have to leave….I’ve thought about it and thought about
LM: You psychoanalyzing me will only result in more disagreement.
PEW: i can’t stay or you can’t stay….one of us is going to have to leave and since you don’t admit that you need proffessional help, I’m going to have to do something. this will happen again and again and again
LM: Excuse me… would you kindly scroll up and see the part where I said, “I have a problem.”
PEW: my leaving last time didn’t obviously impact you enough to prevent this
LM: I’ll wait. At what point do you admit that you have a self-control problem?
PEW: yes…you said your problem is that you can’t control yourself when I can’t control myself
LM: At what point do you take responsibility for the hurtful things that you say? You act as if your words should have no impact on me.

—–
This is more of the same failures on her part to ever accept any responsibility for her behavior. It’s always about me, my fault, my behaviors. She is responsible for none of it. However, it’s worse than that. When she does acknowledge doing “something,” it doesn’t matter what she does, her expectation from me is to not react as I do.
—–

PEW: well, when you are saying to me…..” I asked you a question, ANSWER THE QUESTION PEW”…. ANSWER THE QUESTION PEW…. ANSWER THE QUESTION PEW….
LM: I didn’t yell that.
PEW: the first thing that comes to my mind is that you are an asshole
LM: In fact, I believe I turned and calmly asked the lamp the question that you weren’t answering.
PEW: and I say it because you act like one
LM: You are rehashing the argument… and it serves no purpose. My disagreeing with what is “comfortable” or “not uncomfortable” does not warrant insults. That is what happened.
PEW: well LM, it’s not illegal for me to call you a name
LM: PEW… this isn’t about what is “legal” or not.
PEW: but it is illegal for you to touch me in a violent way. and if you do the drill seargent thing… i think that you are getting violent
LM: This isn’t a Q&A it is another one of your inquisitions. Can I be left alone now, since you are repeating the cycle again?
PEW: well I just want to know where we go from here?
LM: I don’t know. I’m sorry.
PEW: because this isn’t going away?
LM: But I will not sit here and have you lump the blame on me. You got violent. You got insulting.
PEW: so I take it that you are not leaving? no you got violent?
LM: And I simply will not sit by and tolerate your revisionist history. I have nowhere to go. I am not leaving.
PEW: my father does not have a history of physical violence…yours does
LM: Sorry. Please, my father has nothing to do with this.
PEW: so I’m not the one who initiates violence. i don’t
LM: Your father has a history of verbal abuse and perpetuating mental anguish on his spouse and children. There is no excuse for me grabbing you.
PEW: well if you called me a “fat bitch” or a slut or anything, I’d take that over what happened the other night
LM: That does not mean that you are without blame for how things transpired. I understand that. That is why I said that in the future… as soon as you curse me… I will leave.
PEW: no you won’t
LM: I need to discipline myself to do that.
PEW: you won’t. you need to see a proffessional

—–
This appears to be another characteristic of the borderline. At least, it’s the experience of those I know via support groups and forums. A common theme is their insistence that you (the non-borderline) need professional help, a psychiatrist, anger-management classes, or similar. PEW is no different in that regard.
—–

LM: But again… I see you making no promises on the steps that you will take to prevent an escalation of things.
PEW: i don’t scare you?
LM: Yes, you do.
PEW: or intimidate you? please
LM: Yes, you do. I don’t care if you don’t believe it.
PEW: you’re the one with the guns
LM: But you when go into your routine… it scares me, and I lash out. Oh please.
PEW: you’re the only one who’s threatened to kill yourself and burn down the house
LM: I did not threaten to kill myself.

—–
Strong projection. Here is a person who has repeatedly talked of suicide throughout her life (I would come to find out) who projects that onto another. I assure you I have never threatened to kill myself. Also, it’s not just the suicide threats – it’s the not taking responsibility for creating this chaos. It’s the delusion that she “never initiates” physical contact, when in reality – she always did.
—–

PEW: that’s not emotional abuse? you did too
LM: I wish you would stop saying that. Okay. Enough.
PEW: i’ll leave then
LM: Obviously, you haven’t had enough of arguing, and can’t discuss things rationally.
PEW: have you heard from my Dad
LM: So, if you have nothing meaningful to offer except more blanket accusations and justification for your verbal abuse, can we end the conversation?
PEW: have you heard from my Dad?
LM: Why should I be hearing from your Dad?
PEW: well he is upset
LM: That sounds reasonable.
PEW: you don’t just choke a woman that is 6 months pregnant and expect people to love you for it
LM: What purpose would his involvement help? I did not choke you.
PEW: it wouldn’t and I told my mom I didn’t want him to call
LM: I am so sorry you told them I “choked” or “strangled” you. That’s a shame.
PEW: you did
LM: Sure. Strangled with no marks, while I sit here with claw marks across my neck. Interesting.
PEW: please LM….you are kidding yourself…I’m wondering what you would have done if I wasn’t pregnant

—–
There I go again! Trying to explain reality to someone who has a compulsion to break from reality. It’s as if she has an ability to not only block out what she did, but actually recreate a new account of what actually occurred.
—–

LM: You are so grossly dramatic.
PEW: that’s why if there is something else going on with you…you should tell me
LM: How did you explain a “strangulation” with no hand prints?
PEW: grossly dramatic?
LM: Yes.
PEW: i didn’t say you strangled me
LM: “Choking” and “strangulation” are overly dramatic.
PEW: you choked me
LM: You said I “strangled” you last night. You say I “choked” you today. Yet, you have no marks.
PEW: there was also a bump on the back of my head
LM: A bump? From what? ME?!?!? You must be joking?
PEW: this is no joke. our son was there
LM: And what, pray tell, did I do to cause this bump on your head?
PEW: that didn’t even stop you
LM: It didn’t stop you, either.
PEW: well I’ll leave and when you are rehabilited, I’ll come back
LM: Amazing that you can sit in an accusatory position, and fail to acknowledge unleashing a verbal assault on me in front of oru child.
LM: Throw stuff all over the room. Physically assualt me.
PEW: because you pulled the drill seargent thing on him
LM: And you can sit there and act like you are right now.
PEW: i did not physically assault you
LM: Sure.
PEW: i grabbed your neck after you grabbed mine
LM: These scratches on my neck appeared out of thin air?
LM: No, when I yelled at you, you swung at me.
LM: Then I grabbed you.
PEW: you pulled away after I grabbed your neck. bull shit. liar
LM: Okay. So… we disagree as usual. I’m sorry for that.
PEW: after you get proffessional help, I’ll come home
LM: Did you physically assault me?
PEW: proffessional help. no i did not

—–
This is what drives people insane with a borderline. In the same “breath” (so-to-speak), she acknowledges “grabbing” my neck while a few replies later says she didn’t physically assault me.
—–

LM: You didn’t scratch up my neck?
PEW: i was defended myself while i was holding our son
LM: Did you verbally assault me, and again, repeatedly insult me and my family in front of our child?
PEW: when you grabbed my neck, I reached out for yours…that’s when you pulled back….hence the scratches. no i didn’t insult your family
LM: That is physical assault, PEW. Yes you did.
PEW: I called you an asshole and a jerk and a dick
LM: When I brought it up to you last night… You said that they were all assholes… again.
PEW: well for the most part….they are. that’s the truth. Sorry.
LM: Okay… enough.
PEW: you know it
LM: You can’t stop yourself. You have nerve telling me that I need help.
PEW: well I’m very upset that once again, me and my child have to be uprooted because you are not man enough to NOT STRIKE OUT IN ANGER

—–
More projection. She admonishes me for allegedly “striking out in anger” – when in reality and by her own admission during this exchange (and subsequent denials) having done just that. This is what makes the non-borderline’s head spin in honest confusion. You truly begin to question your own sanity, sometimes to the point of questioning whether or not things happened as you recall them.
—–

PEW: don’t come home here at lunch
LM: You can’t control yourself either.
PEW: i’m packing and getting ready to leave
LM: Just because you do it verbally doesn’t make it right… and last night you did it physically, too.
PEW: I was defending myself. I never strike out at people in anger…unless then strike me first. i may throw a book or tip over a table, but hitting other people is not my thing
LM: Call it what you will… my grabbing you and saying “You better get control of yourself” and then letting go is not “choking” it isn’t “strangulation” is wasn’t even “scratching.”
PEW: that’s not the way I was brought up
LM: Well, you did so last night… and you did it before, too.
PEW: bullshit. Liar. you are a liar LM
LM: I know… the truth is tough to acknowledge. You never kicked me in the chest for “yelling.” Right? You who never lashes out? You didn’t scratch my neck for “yelling?” Right? I did everything first is your claim, as always.
PEW: i pushed you away with my foot once when you were screaming in my face after you pushed me onto the bathroom floor. then I kicked you
LM: Excuse me?
PEW: and you punched me in the leg. that was the day before we got married
LM: You kicked me so hard in the chest that my left side turned GREEN. Whew. You are amazing with your revisionist history. Absolutely amazing. Well, this served no useful purpose. Sorry.

—–
Another situation that happened years before during an argument is what she is describing here. She was laying on the sofa. I was standing down one end, where her feet were and we were engaged in another yelling match. Without warning, she reared up and karate-kicked me square in the chest. As it was happening, I swung my arm to attempt to deflect the blow, but I was too late. I fell back into the entertainment unit. Not long after that, my entire left pectoral muscle on down into my rib cage turned green, yellow, and purple from bruising.
—–

PEW: then there was the time you punched me in the arm and the chest because you were screaming in my face and I pushed you away
LM: Please, PEW, please stop making stuff up.
PEW: that was the time I said I wasn’t going to do the mortgage thing because this house would never feel like mine
LM: I hit you in the leg defensively when you karate kicked me in the chest.
PEW: ahhhh the happy memories we have. bull shit
LM: Yes.
PEW: you are a woman beater….just like your father. you just have a little more control
LM: I know you that you won’t acknowledge it, but you were laying on the couch, and I was yelling in response to yet another patented verbal assault by you, and you mulekicked me right in the chest.
PEW: excuses, excuses
LM: And I hit you in the leg.
PEW: and if I stay with you….our sons will be abusers too. please LM
LM: You are harassing me in work again. Like I asked you not to.
PEW: no…it’s the only safe way I can talk to you
LM: Next will likely come the harassing phone calls… like I asked you not to.
PEW: otherwise you would be screaming in my face
LM: You mean, it is the safe way to continue to perpetrate your vicious mouth, isn’t that it?
PEW: if I don’t talk to you on line or by phone we’d be doing the whole scenario all over again. please??!!!
LM: No we wouldn’t.
PEW: we would. you can’t have a normal relationship
LM: Please nothing… go re-read the venom you’ve spewed in this very discussion. Yes I can. I just didn’t think I was marrying a verbal abuser.
PEW: let me ask you this…. Did you have problems like this with your first wife?
LM: One who could continually be so mean and insulting and never stop doing it.
PEW: did you ever put your hands on her? I think you did. I think I might call her
LM: Enough.
PEW: i need to know if it’s me or you
LM: Sorry that you continue to rage out of control. Bye.

—–
More of the same dance.

The Christmas of 2000 was a particularly miserable experience despite my always mistaken belief that I had done everything “right.” The next few exchanges to be posted will detail the diametrically opposed view of this particular holiday.

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A Prelude to Another Miserable Christmas – 12/3/2000

PEW’s penchant for destroying special events was methodical and predictable. While The Psycho Ex-Wife had no qualms about destroying a special event on or about the day of the event, it wasn’t unusual for their to be a build-up to the destruction of the day. This, was one of many such occasions.

This is one of the few documented episodes where she would get delusional. If I wasn’t allegedly somewhere other than where I was… it was something that occurred as a “sign from God” that I should give her the divorce she so desired… I was doing something that I wasn’t actually doing… and so on.

She had been off of the Serzone for a good 6-months now and she was back to her usual, terroristic self since mid-summer. The following was one of the countless “ambushes via instant messenger while at work” episodes.

PEW: hey
LM: HI!
PEW: he just fell asleep
LM: lol
PEW: I took him back in like 5 minutes after you left. Who was that you called right b4 you left??
LM: ? I didn’t call anyone.
PEW: you were on the phone when I walked back out with S1
LM: I was? No I wasn’t.
PEW: yes you were talking to someone
LM: I was talking to you. You walked into the kitchen, I was standing there, looking at you and S1 walk into the kitchen right as I was leaving.
PEW: no you were hanging up the phone…..but b4 we walked out you were talking. Forget it
LM: Either I’ve lost my mind… or you’ve lost yours. I don’t remember picking up the phone for any reason before I left.
PEW: well you’ve lost yours because you were
LM: Hang on… lemme retrace… You came into the bedroom… I walked out and returned with my shoes… I put my shoes on… I walked out and got my jacket… I returned… and gave each of you a kiss…
PEW: so far so good
LM: …I walked back out into the back room, and put my tape back into the VCR and turned it off so that I could tape the X-files…
PEW: ok
LM: …As I was prepared to walk out the door, I hear the “diaper” sound and his pitter-patter as you both came walking back into the kitchen… I stopped at the door and we started to chat about him coming out for a snack. I never touched the phone.
PEW: you did
LM: THEN HIT REDIAL… I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE HELL YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT!
PEW: No. As god is my witness you were talking to someone
LM: Did you hear me telling the dog to get his ass in the cage? Don’t start this with me PEW. I was not on the frigging phone when you walked out. The only time I was on the phone all NIGHT was when your mother called right before you left for Kmart.
PEW: i don’t care ok…….i was just asking who you were on the phone with
LM: PEW, don’t say that I was on the phone again, okay? Just don’t. If you and your imagination believe I was on the phone, pick up the frigging phone, and hit the redial button. You’ll probably get the frigging Netzero server, because that is the only phone call that I have made ALL DAY. ALL DAY.
PEW: why are you so defensive
LM: Because I’ve said that I wasn’t on the phone with anybody, and at least three times you’ve said I was. Now… I am under enough stress and pressure in my frigging life, without you conjuring up thoughts of me lying to you about being on the God-damned phone with some “mystery” person. That’s why.
PEW: you maybe forgot a phone call, but i’m not crazy the phone was in your hand and you were talking….maybe you picked up the phone to see if anyone called, then talked to the dog
LM: And now, instead of doing my Goddamned work, I am on the frigging IM with you, trying to convince you that I wasn’t on the Goddamned phone. I DID NOT EVEN PICK UP THE GOD DAMNED PHONE. I wasn’t even within arms reach of the phone when you walked into the kitchen. How can you possibly recall seeing me on the phone, when as you turned into the kitchen, and I was looking at you two, you said, “what? he didn’t have a snack…” and so on?
PEW: ok sorry….I asked a question….if you weren’t so sneaky half the time I wouldn’t even wonder
LM: Omg. Where in God’s name is this coming from? Now I’m “sneaky.” Thanks. No shit. Thanks a lot.
PEW: sorry, i’m going sorry to bother…..sorry I asked a question…..sorry I said your sneaky….goodbye
LM: No you’re not.
PEW: yes I am
LM: You didn’t simply “ask a question.” You asked a question for which you thought you already had an answer, which was wrong, under the guise of “suspecting” I was being “sneaky” about something. So, please, don’t try to sell me any BS story, okay? Thanks for nothing and thanks for getting me sidetracked and miserable. I truly appreciate it.
PEW: I did not think I knew the answer. My intention was not to get you upset
LM: If you didn’t, then why did you say, “Yes you were?” You know what, I don’t want to know. I just want to be left alone so I can finish my frigging work.
PEW: I said I was sorry you can accept it or be a jerk
LM: I’m really sorry for doing nothing.
PEW: good bye I siad
LM: That’s a first. Goodbye.

There. I am officially insane.

She could have picked up the phone and hit redial. If I was on the phone right before I left the house, all she had to do was hit redial to discover who I had allegedly called. Granted, if someone had called me, the phone would have rang. While it didn’t, in the event I had secretly turned the ringer off in all the phones in the house to allow a mystery call to come through – she could have dialed *69 and dialed the last number which called into the home.

She did neither. Rather than recognize the absurdity of it all and just block her from contacting me via IM so I didn’t have to endure the abuse – I just got wound up, defensive, and, as usual, tried to use logic on someone who, by this time, I really began to think was totally nuts.

The truth is, I didn’t block her because I was saving all documentation, having even told her that was what I was doing and would continue to do. It didn’t stop her at all.

Always remember as you read these earliest items – I didn’t suspect bipolar disorder until about 2002. I hadn’t discovered borderline personality disorder until almost summer of 2005… for all the years prior to that, I simply floundered away trying to make it through all of the chaos repeatedly hoping (and failing) that reason and logic would make her realize how she was behaving.

It’s 2008 and she still hasn’t realized her problems. No one who has the power to make a difference has, either.

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