Interesting Educational Results! Let’s Take a Look…

Shall we? These thoughts are obviously biased, but I’m really proud of all the children – they’ve all shown improvement or sustained their regularly high level of achievement. Today’s discussion centers on S1 and S2. Keep in mind that I finally achieved shared custody mid-way through the second marking period (of 4).

How did S1 do?

S1 took some state standardized testing this year. Across all categories he finished at the higher end of the “advanced” spectrum. Yes, his parents deserve a lot of credit, but I must tell you, the bulk of his studying – he did, mostly without assistance, and did so consistently between the time 50/50 was enacted (November of 2007) and the end of the year when the tests were taken.

As for regular school stuff:

READING:

1st period: 90. 2nd period: 92. 3rd period: 90. FINISH: 96

In the subcategories, he scored a “3” (Demonstrates skills with accuracy and without support) on all of them, all year long except one. In marking periods 1 and 2, he scored a “2” (needs support) in the category “Classwork, accuracy, timeliness, and neatness.” Nice improvement since the 1st-marking period.

MATHEMATICS:

1st period: 80. 2nd period: 93. 3rd period: 98. FINISH: 94

In the subcategories, he scored a “3” (Demonstrates skills with accuracy and without support) on all of them all year long. Nice improvement since the 1st-marking period.

SPEAKING AND LISTENING:

No numerical grades for this category. In the subcategories, he scored a “3” (Demonstrates skills with accuracy and without support) on all of them all year long except 1. In marking period 1, he scored a 2 (Demonstrates skills with support). He finished up with three consecutive 3s in that category. Nice improvement since the 1st-marking period.

WRITING:

1st period: 88. 2nd period: 86. 3rd period: 98. FINISH: 92

In the subcategories, he vacillated between a “3” (Demonstrates skills with accuracy and without support) and a “4” (advanced level – with no support) on all of them all year long. Nice improvement since the 1st-marking period.

This was important, because despite his early high grades, the neatness of his writing was atrocious, but his content, sentence structure, and his ability to stay focused and provide details was always very good. His neatness, when he applies himself, is now very good and something I worked very hard with him to improve.

SCIENCE:

Only two marking periods for this: 3rd period: 94. FINISH: 93

In the subcategories, he scored a “3” (Demonstrates skills with accuracy and without support) on all of them all year long. Good work!

SOCIAL STUDIES:

Only two marking periods for this: 1st period: 91. FINISH: 90

In the subcategories, he scored a “3” (Demonstrates skills with accuracy and without support) on all of them all year long. Good work!

Art, music, library, physical education, and health – all 3s and 4s, though at one point he did have a 2 in music.

In work habits and social development he scored a “S”atisfactory or “G”ood across all categories.

Absences: Less than half the previous 2 years.

Teacher’s Comments: S1 has shown great improvement this year in his work habits. I am very proud of how far he has come. Have a wonderful summer and good luck in the 4th-grade!

How did S2 do?

Being in 1st-grade, they still only do the scoring system 0 – 4. Here is how S2 measured up this year…

READING:

1st period: 2. 2nd period: 2. 3rd period: 3. FINISH: 3

In the subcategories, he scored a “3” (Demonstrates skills with accuracy and without support) on all of them all year long. Nice improvement since the 1st-marking period. In all 8 subcategories under reading, he went from 2s to 3s from the 1st-half of the year to the 2nd-half of the year.

I wonder if the fact that he tells me that mom doesn’t read to him or with him and I do can be a good reason for some of the improvement?

MATHEMATICS:

Math was handled a little differently that all other concepts and there are no fewer than 20 separate categories under math covering counting, algebraic concepts, geometric concepts, measurement, data use and analysis, and numbers & operations.

In the subcategories, he was predominantly 2s and 3s in the first two marking periods in those items being covered. A “2” is Child is making adequate progress. Child appears to understand some concepts of problems and attempts to solve them. Child demonstrates an understanding of the concept of skill being assessed that is marginally short of what is expected.”

By the end of the third marking period, S2 rated a 3 in all categories.

By the end of the year, S2 rated all 3s and 4s. A “4” is Child is making progress that exceeds expectations. Child solves problems correctly and demonstrates a sophisticated and and well-articulated understanding of the skill or concept being studied.

He finished with nine “4s” and thirteen “3s.” In three of those categories, he was a 2 as recently as the 2nd marking period.

I watched this boy go from someone who was uncommunicative and frustrated with his lack of know-how to one who openly and frequently discussed the problems, looking for aid in understanding the problem-solving concepts – to getting snippy with me when I offered to aid him late in the year because “I can do it myself!”

(I made both boys into “private investigators” who use math tools to “solve the mystery” when doing math problems. It was a whole lot of fun when going over the “clues” together to solve the problems.)

SPEAKING & LISTENING:

In the subcategories, he scored a “3” (Demonstrates skills with accuracy and without support) on all of them all year long, except the troublesome ones. He rated 2s all year long in the sections for “listens to others” and “contributes to class discussions.”

His inability to listen well and follow instructions (the two go hand-in-hand) would be the chief criticism of the teacher all year long… and one I worked on, at times, badgered him about, much the same.

WRITING:

In the subcategories, he scored all 1s and 2s to open the year. (A “1” = Does not demonstrate the skills, even with support). By the end of the 2nd-marking period, he was 2 in all categories except one in which he scored 3. By the end of the third marking period he was about half-and-half, four 2s and three 3s. By the end of the year, he scored a 3 across all categories. Nice improvement since the 1st-marking period.

In social studies, science, physical education, music, and art – he was 3s all year long across the board.

In work habits and social development, he scored “S”atisfactory and “G”ood in all categories except those most critical. He closed with a “N”eeds Improvement for “listens attentively and follows instructions” and “demonstrates self-control.”

Apparently, the teacher says he struggles with being easily distracted by his classmates and easily gets enticed into clowning around, which means he needs to be retold class instructions and such.

Absences: Less than half the previous two years.

Teacher’s Comments: S2 has made great progress in reading this last marking period. To maintain this progress, I highly recommend that S2 continue reading every day during the summer. S2 has had some difficulty staying focused on his work. He was easily distracted by other students. I hope you have fun this summer and a great year in 2nd-grade.

Finally, a couple of my own observations:

– Improvement across the board for both boys in critical areas. S2 was the only exception with no great report cards on his classroom behavior and listening skills… which is kind of odd since he is the one usually listening at home and S1 is the one who needs to be told/reminded repeatedly about things.

– The results fly in the face of her oft-repeated assertions (as always, unsupported by any objective evidence) that their schoolwork (among other things) has been suffering since the custody change.

– The teachers did a great job. S1’s teacher, in particular, was very communicative and worked hard to help see that S1 turned some things around in the work ethic department. S2’s teacher, no so much in terms of regular communication. Despite a number of requests that went without response, I wrote asking her to inform me the same day of any ‘negative events’ so that I may address them immediately. This was a great help with S1 because regular reports quickly demonstrated for him that I was “in the know” on a near real-time basis and he wouldn’t slide by without me knowing pretty much everything. The lack of cooperation in that regard, even minimally, with S2’s teacher didn’t help me, didn’t help her, and obviously, didn’t help S2.

Still, these two teachers did a fabulous job.

Am I taking all of the credit on the home front? Certainly not. This is more about showing again that real evidence disproves yet more hysterical claims of the PEW. I know what I do with the children regarding their educations (and activities) and in some cases, what she doesn’t do – because the children tell me.

The kids were happy, healthy, and interested in “school” prior to the split & divorce and thrived in a classroom environment. While they continued to do well when I was NCP, there was some slight backsliding. Finally, since 50/50 and over the course of 2/3s of a school year – they’re achievements are back up again.

I hope I can keep that momentum going in all future years, too!

Thanks to the teachers. The boys got great big “atta’boys” for their efforts and results during the year.

Now… getting S2 to wise up and pay attention in class next year…

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She Wants to Gas the Dog!

It’s mid-February 2004. She’s filed for divorce. I’ve moved out of the master bedroom and into one of the extra bedrooms. We’ve had some discussions about how to handle childcare, the house, work, etc. It will be an ongoing process. Once the decision was made by her, there would be no turning back. She filed. It was official. I wasn’t moving out, she was. I told her not to rush and to take her time to make sure that wherever it was she was going, it was appropriate for two growing boys – and safe. It would take her until May to move out, but she did find a good place to live.

This discussion is pretty reasonable and I include it because I want you to pay particularly attention to her attitude regarding our dog. There have probably already been some posts which demonstrate her repeatedly throwing in my face that ultimately, I chose to have our dog put-down because I couldn’t place him with anyone. It was an extremely tough decision, but we’ll get to that later.

If you have a recollection of other posts about the dog, you’ll notice her attitude here, not surprisingly, contradicts her oft-repeated righteous indignation over my decision to have him put to sleep over her alleged strenuous objections and desire to keep him.

PEW: so what do you suggest for [the dog]? The Vet maybe?
LM: I guess. Dunno what they would do.
PEW: Put him to sleep i suppose
LM: You don’t want me GAS HIM DO YOU?!?!
PEW: That’s what I was thinking
LM: Can’t we try the SPCA or find out from friends if anyone would want him? At least at the SPCA he has a shot!
PEW: he’s 10 years old though
LM: oh, there must be somebody. Maybe an ad in the paper? Free to good home?
PEW: well we’ll have to see what comes up as far as my living arrangements. if I get a place to live I guess I’ll take him because I can’t bear to gas him even though I WANT to.

This isn’t the last discussion about our dog. It is the first and her position is abundantly clear, despite her last comment. She doesn’t want the dog. She suggests having him put to sleep. It’s one of many options and the one that sucks the most.

LM: lol. I thought it stunk to high heaven this morning.
PEW: it did….I smelled it too
LM: But I SWEAR… I looked all over the place…
PEW: but I didn’t see the pile
LM: EXCEPT… under the friggin’ desk. I turned over his bed. Under the chairs. Behind them. Everywhere except the desk. I swear! I even smelled him
PEW: well I kicked it with my foot when I sat down
LM: And found it odd that HE didn’t stink.
PEW: that’s how I found it
LM: And he peed, too?
PEW: yes, by the back door
LM: I hope he ain’t gettin’ sick or anything. And that it was just a “going out” thing. But I let him out before I came up last night. Maybe he ate something he shouldn’t have, I dunno.
PEW: it was a good solid dump though
LM: hm
PEW: so I don’t think he’s sick
LM: odd. Maybe I just asked him in too quickly.
PEW: maybe he’s pissed at us

The dog occasionally did this. He was well-trained, but had his moments. He had a big cyst or tumor on his back. It resembled a half-softball sticking out on top of him, cheated towards the right side over his leg. It never seemed to bother him, it was just unsightly. Over time, the vet never really said anything about it. He could biopsy it, but it would cost some serious coin, which we weren’t willing to shell out at the time. Ultimately, we wouldn’t ever do it.

LM: I spoke to [the CEO] today. He said that I could work flex time for three days
PEW: ok…..really? wow. that’s great
LM: I explained to him as briefly as possible our predicament. That child care is FAR too expensive for 2-1/2 hours of coverage for 3 days. That I didn’t know how long that I needed it. That we’re trying to find reliable babysit coverage. But that it would benefit the kids if we could accommodate something. He said fine. I could work at home. Come in at 7. I would just need to periodically show some home progress. And be available via phone. And to tell nobody else who doesn’t need to know.
PEW: ok
LM: I thanked him profusely.
PEW: if you WANTED to, i’m sure we could ask PP for one day on the 3 day week
LM: We’ll burn that bridge when we come to it.
PEW: so I’ll call my boss then and i’ll find out how much it would be to have the kids covered under me. it’s gotta be less than what you’re paying. my dad knows the county sherriff…. he said he may be able to get me a job there so I’m not sure how long i’ll be at [my current job] till I can get something better paying
LM: No problem. The accommodation is there. So let’s take advantage of it.
PEW: ok
LM: He asked me if I wanted to reschedule the training. I told him no, because the initiative is too important to the company.
PEW: that was nice
LM: We’ll make adjustments as we can.
PEW: i’m sure we can figure something out for those two weeks

The place where I was employed was very flexible and understood completely about my situation. (We actually met there, PEW and I.) They didn’t ask a lot of questions, but bent over backwards to accommodate me throughout the whole ordeal… before I would bail out on them about a year later, unfortunately for some reasons, necessity in others, need for change in another.

The year ahead would be very rough and rife with many mistakes on my part.

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Thanks for Nothing UPS!

This past weekend, DW – special woman that she is – had a surprise birthday party for me. Friends, family, neighbors – it was a really incredible bash. Live music in the living room, good food, and too much good to drink, too. Ugh! It was a great party and that’s probably an understatement.

Thanks again, doll! I love you! It was incredible!

Of course, DW tends to “set the bar high” and I know I have my work cut out for me for some future reciprocity. Yeesh.

In the meantime, due to work, we are apart this week and yesterday was her birthday. Cool dude that I am, I had arranged a special delivery to arrive on her birthday with words of love and adoration attached – wishing her a Happy Birthday! I was so proud of myself. As much an expression of appreciation for last weekend as it was a birthday gift.

I tend to get excited for things like this and I obsess about tracking the shipment as it departs and travels to the destination… HOME.

I go to the UPS site about every 30-seconds…

F5 F5 F5 F5 F5!!! EFF-FRIGGING-FIVER!!!

6/23/2008 – 8:10PM Billing information received.

F5 F5 F5 F5 F5!!! EFF-FRIGGING-FIVER!!!

6/23/2008 – 7:38PM Origin scan.

F5 F5 F5 F5 F5!!! EFF-FRIGGING-FIVER!!!

6/23/2008 – 8:25PM Departure scan. Miami, FL, US

F5 F5 F5 F5 F5!!! EFF-FRIGGING-FIVER!!!

6/23/2008 – 9:20PM Arrival scan.

F5 F5 F5 F5 F5!!! EFF-FRIGGING-FIVER!!!

6/23/2008 – 10:11PM Departure scan. Miami, FL, US

F5 F5 F5 F5 F5!!! EFF-FRIGGING-FIVER!!!

6/24/2008 – 12:44AM Arrival scan. Louisville, KY, US

F5 F5 F5 F5 F5!!! EFF-FRIGGING-FIVER!!!

6/24/2008 – 4:56AM THE PACKAGE WAS DAMAGED IN TRANSIT. UPS WILL NOTIFY THE SENDER WITH DETAILS. DAMAGED MERCHANDISE DISCARDED. UPS WILL NOTIFY THE SENDER WITH DETAILS OF THE DAMAGE.

Thanks for nothing UPS. You SUCK!

Thankfully, when I called the merchant, they were very understanding and, without yet having received notification of the details regarding the original shipment, put together a new package and shipped it to arrive today – on my word alone. Of course, they didn’t provide me a tracking number, so here I sit… waiting… wondering… worrying… if my special birthday delivery will make it to the deserving soul that is the love of my life… DW.

Stay tuned…

UPDATE IN THE COMMENTS! READ ON!

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Why Talk About it on the Internet?

I have been reading your site. I am interested in every different viewpoint; but, my personal question to you, is: why, if you really think your ex-wife has serious mental health issues….why is it something to talk about on the internet?

I mean no disrespect; and, like I said, I have been reading some, but I work with mentally ill individuals, and I have also dealt with a serious depressive disorder in my own life. It would disturb me terribly, if I felt that others were speaking of my clients, or myself using terms such as “crazy”, or “nutcase”.

I know first-hand the pain of divorce for children. Of course, my parents have been divorced since I was a year old; however, there were issues all the years of my life between myself and the two of them. I came to realize they were all about getting at each other, instead of showing real concern about me during those times. However, my mother was the one who really cared about me overall. And, I believe from what I have read on your site, that you are the parent who really cares about your childrens’ welfare, overall.

It must be hellish to deal with someone who is potentially borderline. I don’t do well with borderline folks. Most counselors won’t even see them as clients because their personality disorder makes them rather impossible to help. I realize this. It’s just that I can’t understand what purpose it serves to not “rise above” the borderline personality’s issues and focus on the positives in one’s present life.

Honestly, I am very interested in your story, and the stories that others have shared on your site. I just wonder if the benefit of ranting outweighs the stress you experience with this woman and her family members.?

I hope the best for you with your children. My fear is the scars that may result because of your ex-wife’s disorder and the probability that your children will know and feel your stress and resentments toward their mother.
Children do suffer. And I just hope someday the woman will come to realize the issues and seek help for herself. Borderlines can eventually be helped. It’s like anything else; they have to realize they have problems, and the whole thing about the disorder is that they don’t think they do have problems. This is actually part of the disorder. That’s why it is so difficult to work with these folks. BUT, there is hope for them. That would be my wish; for your childrens’ sakes.

Sincerely…
TS

Why is it something I want to talk about on the internet?

There are a lot of reasons why it is something I want to talk about and the feedback I receive from readers supports my decision every single day.

This question was asked of me when I was interviewed for a piece that was published on divorce360.com. In response to that question, I explained, “The site is intended to help people in similar situations. “I had always felt like no one really knew or quite understood the level of chaos that had existed in my life, and this was a way to express it all without burdening others with such horror or having to explain myself, re-explain myself.” It served as a means to tell the truth of my experiences but to no one in particular.”

That is how I defined the reason for starting this site in January of 2008. Soon thereafter, we started getting an incredible amount of feedback from people who truly felt as isolated as I did, going through very similar situations. That’s when the site, for me and hopefully others, took on a more meaningful purpose. I am not alone nor are others who are embroiled in such similar situations. I pray that their realizations prevent them from the self-trapping that I did. I felt I had nowhere to turn and had I discovered a place like this a long time ago, I may have been compelled to make some better choices much earlier in the relationship. Maybe I would have been more honest with myself and with others about what I was going through and gotten more help and guidance for myself and/or the children.

It’s what people do when going through something as significant as this. They isolate themselves out of fear. Fear of a lack of understanding. Fear of burdening others with thier troubles. Fear of abandonment. The sense of relief and the release of the anxiety of feeling so isolated is evident in the communications I get from others.

Contrary to your concerns regarding the potential for my children to sense the stress and resentment – it’s not my website that will risk doing that – it’s the actual experiences that we have all endured and will continue to go through due to the failed relationship between the PEW and I. In fact, I would be quick to tell you that this outlet of sharing and caring greatly reduces the stress and any resentment I feel towards the PEW. Further, it reduces the stress and anxiety those close to me feel (especially DW) because I’m not just unloading on those people. I can do it here and hopefully be doing something productive in the process – not just for me, but for anyone who cruises by here for a read.

On the flip side, I don’t feel bad about the scant few terms I use for my ex-wife and some others in her family. When you consider that I am no longer affected so deeply by the terms that she uses for me, including: spousal abuser, drug addict, alcoholic, homosexual, faggot, impotent, asshole, child abuser, falsely filing reports with CPS, calling the police for no particular reason… and the list goes on and on and on… categorizing her actions as nutty or psycho, aside from being accurate (unlike hers), are tame by comparison. Like you, and I have mentioned it several times on this site – I wish the very same for PEW – that she would recognize what she’s actually going through and take steps to manage it effectively to the benefit of everyone. That is no lie.

Finally, I have many positives which I focus on in life. The work that I do on this site doesn’t mean that I don’t. Every single day is a lot of hard work to rise above the BPD and the experiences of dealing with her. I have a lot to be thankful for – a wonderful partner in DW, 2 children of my own, 2 step-children, great family and friends, a great job, and the list goes on. As long as my site serves to help people, entertain people (to some small degree), educate people, and be an outlet for shaking off the bad experiences… I’ll keep doing it.

~LM

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DC Rally 2008 Dies, is Reborn as DC Festival 2008!

I’ve just heard through my email grapevine that last week, the organizers of the DC Rally (a great success in 2007) had to be scuttled this year due to financial reasons (among others). The original rally, slated to take place at The Lincoln Memorial is no more… HOWEVER… they have already shifted gears and are forging ahead with the DC Rally for 2009! From their website:

Our Mission Statement

Our mission is to secure and guarantee the continuation of the American Family with the passage of federal legislation that recognizes and protects our Fundamental Rights.

We are asking the Federal Congress and the State legislatures to support and implement public policies that promote familial preservation and reconciliation, hence civility, in all matters involving the family and all therein because that’s the best option for America.

But WAIT! There is even better news for 2008! The event has been revitalized under a new name – DC FESTIVAL 2008!

In the aftermath of the calls that resulted in the decision to scuttle the original version of this summer’s events, several leaders of “other aligned forces” came together and decide that the show must go on! An upgrade event location was chosen – directly in front of the Capitol Building. The location has plenty of trees for shade (Upper Senate Park), will include live musical entertainment, and even more guest speakers than originally planned.

Washington D.C. at the Upper Senate Park on August 15 – 16, 2008. Exhibition tables of various organizations open at 9:00 AM on August 15, 2008.

Live entertainment will be provided during the exhibition times and in between various speakers that begin later that day.

For more details and late-breaking news, visit their site by clicking on the link: DC FESTIVAL 2008

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PEW’s Brother, EJ, Weighs-In

Yes, I know – I’m jumping back into the past just as we were beginning to launch into the divorce take-off. Too bad! I happened upon this and it gives some insight as to the perceptions of someone on her side of the family.

EJ, who I haven’t profiled, until now, is the oldest brother of the 4 inlaw children. PP is #1. PEW is #2. EJ is #3. EJ was diagnosed with bipolar disorder (as was PP a few years later). PEW and I were instrumental in convincing EJ to voluntarily entered a hospital when he was having a particularly alarming episode. During his 3-day stay, he was diagnosed as bipolar, and started on a regimen of treatment and medication that proved instrumental in helping him get out of a mind-hell that he was living. He was pissed at us for cajoling him into checking himself in. He was in denial for a short period afterwards, but followed the recommendations and really turned things around for himself. He married his beautiful girlfriend, got himself a fantastic job, now has 3 children. He is a prime example of how well things can turn out when you follow the program and take care of yourself in the aftermath of such a diagnosis. PP, on the other hand, is the direct opposite. There must be a psychological case-study in there somewhere.

EJ and I always had a good relationship. He was a funny, caring guy. A big “teddy-bear” if there ever was one. S1 and S2 love him lots, too. Unfortunately, as happens with a divorce, the last time I saw EJ was probably New Year’s Day of 2004. I hear from the kids that he and his family are doing well – at least insofar as the children understand that to be the case.

During a discussion in the aftermath of my being ejected from Christmas 2001, PEW had told me about how everyone was up-in-arms over my allegedly inappropriate behavior. She challenged me to “call EJ and ask him!” I called her bluff and did. He assured me that few, if anyone, expressed any such sentiment. Except for PP, that is.

Following our phone discussion, we had an email exchange… it was December 26th, 2001…

EJ,

I’m not going to excuse-make. Just so you know – as does your sister – I have a zero-tolerance policy on people making fun of the kids. That policy extends to both families, and I give you my personal assurance, me asking your brother, calmly, to “please stop making fun of my kids’ physical attributes was a LOT nicer than what I’ve had to say to my own brothers on rare occasion.

I’ve had enough and I am going to address it on-the-spot no matter who does it. I’ve had enough of dealing with EE, your sister (who has previously called him “psycho” and “serial killer” among other nicities), last night with [your brother] and both [my younger brothers].

The only people who I’ve not had to contend with (excluding the grandmothers and my own father), are you and my brother VAM, who seem to understand the concept of not making fun of young children.

If I was wrong for not taking your brother aside and telling him, I can live with that. Know this – I’ve told your sister to address it with the family in the past, and it clearly hasn’t worked. So I will now address it on a case-by-case basis. I’ll make no apologies for that.

~LM

LM,

I hear you, dude. Even though he was just kidding, S1 is at that age where he understands things better. That is for you and PEW to discuss. PP has NO right. She is a ticking time-bomb!

~EJ

EJ,

WARNING: PEW is going to call you because she alleges that you claimed that I “had no right” and you were “mad at me.”

Again, if that’s the case – we should talk. If it is not – be prepared to be told that is how you should feel. I thought it only fair to warn you. She also said [your fiance] was mad about it.

~LM

LM,

I am not mad and [fiance] definitely is not mad. I never said you had no right. I actually haven’t said a word about it. It went a lot deeper than the issue with [brother], that was obvious. However, any issues that you and PEW have is for you guys to work out. PP should seek help on her own problems before she wants to address others’. I would just like to see you guys work it out. I think no differently man.

~EJ

EJ,

I appreciate the good thoughts, EJ. I mean that.

~LM

LM,

I like you, LM, and so does my family. You probably find that hard to believe at times, but it is very true. Things work themselves out. Everyone goes through their spats.

~EJ

EJ,

Well, your sister is telling me that everyone in the family is alienated from me (a direct quote) and that everyone is pissed at me and that everyone, including [fiance] said that I acted inappropriately.

Now, it is crap like that which prevents us from ever achieving a solution on ANYTHING that she has a problem with.

Those are direct quotes from PEW. Then, when she challenged me to “go on and call EJ” – I told her that I already had talked to you and said no such thing. Sorry to put you on the spot like that, but it needed to be said and I will discuss nothing that you and I have discussed with her. I promise.

~LM

LM,

They love drama, dude. What can I say??? I never said such a thing and to say [fiance] of all people said something to that effect is a total lie. I even talked to [brother] on the phone and he didn’t even seem bothered. Basically, he just took it as you were having a bad day or fighting with PEW. PP was obviously the only one that was vocal. Enough said there. I’m heading out. Give me a call later, I’m going to be setting up the fish tank.

~EJ

If nothing else, EJ sure has his sisters’ number. PP is a ticking time-bomb and they most certainly loved drama (and embellishing and lying and manipulating…) I’ve not heard a cross word during the entire relationship from either of the boy siblings. Quite the contrary, they were often quite sympathetic to me when it came to anything involving the psycho-twins. I’m not sure if that has always been the case, but they’ve never interjected themselves into the drama, and have never confronted me about anything. If they have said anything to PEW or PP negatively, I’d bet money it was simply to “keep the peace” – pretty much like everyone seems to have to do around these two.

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Could It Be Borderline Personality Disorder?

Borderline Personality Disorder – Information for the Family

The following 9-minute video, produced by my friends over at BPDFamily.Com, manages to capture the essence of the experiences when in a relationship of any kind with someone suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder.

It is estimated that there are 6-10 million husbands, wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, and children affected by Borderline Personality Disorder. Few know or are in treatment. When you don’t know, much like I didn’t, the trauma can be long-lasting and dramatically affect your life. Confusion, guilt, helplessness, among other experiences tend to pervade your lives. You will likely question your own sanity.

As you struggle to do everything you can within reason to get to the bottom of and cure your relationship of the never-ending chaos, the non-BPD can alter their entire personality to try to “keep the peace.” There is a term for this: walking on eggshells.

The main trait of borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a pervasive pattern of instability in interpersonal relationships, self-image and emotions. Watch and learn more:

If your loved one suffers from or you suspect may suffer from borderline personality disorder, I strongly recommend that you go ahead – visit and register at BPDFamily.Com and be sure to check out the article “Are You In a Relationship With a Borderline“.

Our 30,000 members are dedicated to support individuals and families with loved-ones affected by Borderline Personality Disorder as they journey through recovery, therapy, and self analysis.

Their website was instrumental in helping me to discover and understand just with whom I was dealing. A great many recommendations from long-standing members, even newbies, I employ today in order to manage my interactions with PEW. My only wish was that I had discovered them (and information & understanding about BPD) about 12-years ago.

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Be Prepared for the Worst!

In the Spring of 2003, one of my brothers purchased a motorcycle. It was something I had always wanted to do and just never had the motivation to do it. At that point, I became intrigued. I read a lot classified ads. I had a long-time motorcycle riding buddy teach me how to ride that fall, just to see if I really wanted to do it. The guy put me on his $10,000+ motorcycle, told me a few tips, and just told me to “do it.” I nearly crapped my pants. I nearly wrecked it once. However, like a father teaching a son how to take his first bicycle ride, JD was patient and brave. In less than 30-minutes, I knew how to handle his big bike. He was proud like a poppa, too.

Still, I was in no financial position to purchase a bike of any consequence and resigned myself to the fact that it would be some time before I would ever become so. Still, I “window shopped” the classifieds always dreaming that the day would come.

Fast forward to New Year’s Day 2004. EE, my then father-in-law, approaches me during idle chit-chat and tells me a long-time friend of his was selling a motorcycle. He was trying to get $4,000 for it (which was a very good price given the condition and the fact that it had less than 900-miles on it), but would sell it to him (EE, that is) for $3,000 firm. Fact is, I didn’t have $3,000 to spend on a motorcycle. Still, talking about motorcycles and the story behind why this guy was selling such an amazing bike made for a really great time that New Year’s Day. I had fun! That is, until the ride home with PEW.

Everything is quiet, kids are asleep in the back seat, and she launches into a tirade about me buying the motorcycle and “If you buy that fucking motorcycle our marriage is over! I can’t believe you’re going to buy a motorcycle!” That’s the cliff’s notes version. After sitting there and calmly listening for a few minutes, I snapped, yelling at her, “SHUT UP! I’M NOT BUYING A GODDAMNED MOTORCYCLE!!! YOUR FATHER AND I WERE SIMPLY TALKING ABOUT MOTORCYCLES!!! I HAD A GOOD DAY SO SHUT THE HELL UP AND DON’T RUIN IT!!!” I mean I yelled about as loud as I could. (Somehow, the children never stirred.) She shut up for the rest of the ride home.

Christmas week was quiet, almost enjoyable, but not due to any interaction with PEW. Quite the contrary, there was a lack of interaction and a complete lack of drama. I didn’t buy her a single thing and of course, she reciprocated with the same nothing, which was nothing new for her. She made up for it the first week of the New Year.

During the next day, there was a discussion. I don’t remember the particulars, but I do remember telling her something like I have never bought myself anything during our entire relationship “just for me.” We got new cars everytime you didn’t like something about the last. We moved because you demanded it. We got stuff for the house on your command. I’ve bought you jewelry, clothes, collectibles, you name it. You even hocked the engagement ring I bought you so that you could spend on yourself. Me? I haven’t once bought a single thing of any substance JUST FOR ME. Even though we are not in any position for me to spend three-grand for a motorcycle, IF I wanted to, I believe I deserve it. I’ve done some great things for you and our family and damn it – I deserve to get something just for me that has absolutely not a frigging thing to do with you!

I don’t remember if it was a heated argument or not. My recollection is that there was probably some snide remark on her part and I had a controlled “vent” on her regarding how I felt about her attitude regarding a purchase that was never going to happen. The next day, 1/3/2004, I got this in a handwritten letter:

LM,

After last night, I thought about some of the things you said. I have to tell you that I am shocked at some of the things you have said.

First of all, I do NOT have a spending problem. If you have $3Gs for a bike, that’s great. But I do not buy anything that is NON essential. You are free to go to the MC website and look at an itemization. You, on the other hand, have fans, cigars, a large CD collection, Hess trucks, video games, etc. etc. I, on the other hand, have 3 dolls. I do not have fine clothing. I don’t get my hair cut, my nails done. You have a tattoo and have been talking about getting another.

As far as the “grand” things you claim you have done, I’m almost speechless. I have had a part in all of that. I have WORKED prior to having the kids. I worked after having the kids. I will work for the rest of my life. How dare you! You have the last 10-years of my life absolute hel! If the credit card thing makes you leave, GREAT!

You are a MEAN, MEAN SELFISH PERSON. You have screamed in my face, gotten physical with me, nagged me, criticized me, denied me the pleasure of picking my own furniture, you made shopping for a home a nightmare.

Don’t get me wrong. Though I do love you because you’re funny, a great father, and when you are not bipolar, you’re a great person. Like, I can’t tell you how great Christmas week was. If you were like that all the time, I could actually STAND you. But you’re up to your old shit again. You want a motorcycle and you want me to say, “great honey, you deserve it.” Well, it ain’t gonna happen unless you drastically change. If you were as sweet as you acted Christmas week, all the time, that is what I’d say, but the fact is you have been horrible to me. So, I ain’t saying you deserve it. Not now. If you want to try to be nice until spring, maybe I’ll change. Otherwise, buy a cycle and be prepared for the WORST.

I don’t need a diamond, I just want you to be a little more stable and less bitchy. As far as threatening divorce, it’s not really a joke. I’m not in a great position right now. It would be nice if we could be married forever, but honestly, I don’t see it because of your constant negativity and the fricking nagging. As far as I am concerned you are unpredictable. I need the credit card just in case you pull any of your old shit!

Happy New Year!

~PEW

P.S. – If we sold our house and parted, I could pay off my credit card.

I didn’t write her back. If I did, it probably would have looked that this:

Paragraph 1/2 – She’s full of shit, as usual. She did get her hair done regularly and occasionally got her nails done. As for the list of things that she claims I bought – almost everything on the list were things acquired for re-sale on eBay, which I did as a “part-time job” of sorts and to help to have some extra mess-around cash available, which she usually messed-around with. The “large CD collection” existed long before I ever met her. At the time, I think I could count on 1-hand how many CDs I purchased during our relationship (for me, that is). The tattoo that I got – I got approximately 5-years earlier, honoring the birth of our first son. It was supposed to be a birthday gift from her to me that never materialized, so I just bought it for myself. (For the record, I didn’t get a second one, honoring the birth of S2, until well after we split.)

Paragraph 3 – She’s full of shit, as usual. PEW never made a contribution to the mortgage unless it was an emergency-type situation, which was RARE. She was responsible for the following: 1 – Tuition for the children because as a stay at home mom, I didn’t feel that it was a necessary expense. It was just a way for her to get out of caring for the children for several days a week while constantly claiming she was with them “24/7.” 2 – Her own car gas, which I probably filled more than half of the time anyway. 3 – Groceries. 4 – Co-pays for doctor visits if she took the kids or herself. Her own clothing, accessories, etc. That’s it. I took care of the mortgage, my own car gas, all of the insurances (health, auto, home, both of our life policies – all insurance), I still food shopped probably 1/3 – 1/2 the time, auto maintenance… in short – everything else that wasn’t on her list and still a portion of some that was on her list. The biggest thing she “contributed” to in our relationship was D-E-B-T. She never had to account for her spending or what she did with her money, even when she was working full-time. When I did call her on it (in the last post) – she lied and then I’d point out to her about that spending problem she doesn’t have.

Paragraph 5 – Projection. Enough said.

Paragraph 6 – Is just creepy. The funny thing is – what she is essentially saying without realizing it is that if I just ignored and avoided her “all the time” – everything would be great! Aside from parental interaction related to the children, it was quiet and calm. She also tosses out the “do this and maybe I’ll change” control technique.

Paragraph 7 – Projection. Reading it again now, I have to laugh at her closing with “Happy New Year.” Psycho. “If we sold OUR house…” OUR house? You mean the house which I owned prior to meeting her, was chock-full of pre-marital equity, and to which she contributed NOTHING financially – “we split.” And you wonder why I feel scammed and worse – I let it all happen.

Afterthought… several months later (after the divorce filing), I would come into the money necessary to purchase that motorcycle that EE’s friend was selling. I’ve kept it a secret all this time, but perhaps when I reach that point in this timeline, I’ll disclose it. To best of my recollection, only DW and the person who helped to make it happen know the details. It was brilliant, imaginative, and perhaps a slight bit devious – but the irony of the outcome… is great.

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The Beginning of the Never End

Christmas 2003 itself was relatively uneventful, though, it wasn’t without the annual pre-holiday drama which really starting the ball rolling towards the filing for divorce in early 2004. I was beginning to “shut-down” (sort of) in that I just avoided interacting with her in any capacity because the end-result would be chaos.

Rather than debate about things via email or over instant-messaging, when the latest round of things that were bothering her cropped up, I told her I wouldn’t hear of them unless she put them in writing as recommended by a previous counselor. That way, there were no volume issues and there hopefully would be no issues where she could go on an unrelated tangent. It was 12/3/2003.

I’ve whacked-up this handwritten exchange to make it easier for you to follow. She listed 4 things she had issues with. I would respond. Rather than lay them all out in a big bunch with my response, I’ll do each issue individually and my response.

PEW writes:

#1 – I don’t feel like you really care about me based on your actions the other day with regard to the party. S1 was not sick. He was excited about going to [your niece’s] party. It was one hour. I was up all night with S2 and I had to work. It sure seems selfish to me.

LM replies:

I’m sorry you feel that way. As I explained to you during our verbal discussion on this topic, my choice not to go was based on 2 things – I was up as well and I was tired. Additionally, while you believe otherwise, I felt S1 shouldn’t go to the party due to his being sick. He was diagnosed on Friday. It was Sunday. While he was excited for the party, it wasn’t appropriate to expose others to his illness as well. As he acquired a high fever and was vomiting half the night after the party, it is clear that I was correct.

Furthermore, I told you that you shouldn’t go and you chose to. You claim I “don’t care about you” because I didn’t take S1, but you forgot the following:

1 – You had the option to stay home. I didn’t “make” you go anywhere.

2 – I chose to stay home with a very sick S2, and while taking care of him, managed to do 5 loads of wash, too, among other small housework chores.

You – Party. Me – Stay home with a sick S2.

That doesn’t seem very selfish to me.

PEW writes:

#2 – On Thanksgiving, you could have handled yourself differently. You made a scene whether or you believe it or not. There were 8 people there that can attest to that. I’m tired of going to family functions and having to worry about if someone is going to rub you wrong. You see my family so infrequently that you could overlook my sister’s annoying comments.

LM replies:

On Thanksgiving, as detailed during our verbal discussion, your sister repeatedly needled me about being “cheap,” and refused no fewer than 3 respectful requests that I not be part of your family’s pollyanna. After the 5th wisecrack about my being cheap, in an exasperated voice – I told your sister (again) that it had nothing to do with money (emphasis on “do”).

Now, you first acknowledge that she was needling me, then disavowed any knowledge of her needling me. I can’t help that. However, when I firmly expressed that it was not about money, she stopped poking fun at me.

I see your family several times each month, so I have no clear understanding of your claim that it’s infrequent, nor do I see the relevance of this (non)issue. I kindly expressed my desire to not join pollyanna no fewer than 4 times.

PEW writes:

#3 – I went out tonight to get a coat and I felt like you were busting on me for being gone so long. Then when I got back you came downstairs and left me to get the boys ready for bed, as if “you were done.” I was at my wits end with S2 after ALL DAY.

LM replies:

I’m sorry for the misunderstanding. You, having previously laughed at my jokes about you “stepping out” – I thought you knew I was kidding and I will not joke like that again.

As for “leaving you” to get the boys ready for bed, it was nothing that wouldn’t have been remedied with a simple call upstairs.

Remember now, after retrieving the groceries from the car, assisting with unpacking and putting them all away, you gave the boys a snack and were talking on the phone. As that was going on, I went down to check email and reply to some. All you had to do was call me and, as I always do, I would have come running.

As I have previously expressed to you – just call if you need me. It’s a far better option than not and being mad at me for not being a mindreader. Too often, there is an expectation of knowledge followed by your anger, all of which can be avoided by talking and communicating.

PEW writes:

#4 – Money is going to be an issue at Christmastime. I can’t afford all the gifts, groceries, and tuition, and copays on my meager salary and I’m always afraid to approach you about it because it seems like you think I should be able to afford everything. Like the boys could use dress shoes for the holidays. I could use some clothes, too.

I’m tired of everything being work work work for me and never getting anywhere

LM replies:

If money is going to be tight, then we are going to have to check our spending this holiday season. While I do have certain expectations that you could handle your gas, groceries, and other necessities (clothes for you/kids) and what-not – there is NO accounting for your money. You work, conservatively, 16-hours per week and should be bringing home roughly $160-$200/week. That’s somewhere around $700 per month conservatively. That should take care of a bunch of stuff, meanwhile, your credit card is over $2,000 (at least, the last time I saw a statement) and you want to spend money we clearly don’t have.

You can’t have it both ways. I’ve been after you to work with me on a budget for years to no avail. You want to have and spend and do more with no responsibility for doing what is within our means.

If you need me to cover things for which you feel “solely” responsible, you have to let me know. But you also have to understand that things need to change, WE need to spend more responsibly, and do it now – not after “charging” the holidays – which is what you told me you were going to do and “there was nothing” I could do to stop you.

Again – YOU NEED TO COMMUNICATE.

PEW writes:

Okay, so let’s say that I get $700/month. That is $400 to groceries per month. $220 per month for tuition. $60-$80 on baby sitting. $80 per month for gas. Where does the accounting come in? That is OVER my earnings.

I am communicating that I am going to buy gifts for people. In lieu of cash that I don’t have, I WILL charge. Just lettin’ you know.

P.S. $100 worth of groceries is nothing. It isn’t even a full cart!

LM replies:

For the record, I said $700 was a conservative estimate. Most, if not all, of the time you work 3-days per week and less frequently – more than even that. At 20-hours per month it’s $900/month. At 24-hours, it’s almost $1,100/month.

Previously, I’ve NEVER asked for you to account for your spending. The ONE TIME I’ve seen a credit card statement from you, I asked that you “keep it in check. because it went from $300 to $2,000 in 3-months – all while working these hours.

Just know this – the more you charge – the less we can afford to do. That’s on you. I believe you make more than $700/month, but in addition to never seeing a credit card statement from you – I’ve never seen a paystub, either.

I can work on creating a budget with you – if YOU’RE willing. Just so we’re clear, based upon the work calendar in the kitchen – here is how much you’ve brought home the last 5-months: $1,164. $1,164. $1,248. $1,248. $1,081. You’re also slated to make around $1,200 this month. “So let’s say,” eh?

Did I mention pathological liar, too? She was so busted it wasn’t even funny, acting like the poor, put-upon destitute hard-working wife who only brought home $700/month. She even took the extra step of showing me how the things for which she was responsible exceeded her monthly take-home income of “$700.”

You would be right if you guessed that exposing her for lying ended this paper discussion right in it’s tracks. The thing that astounds me to this day is that in addition to her take-home income – there would be discovered the small matter of in excess of $5,000 in credit card charges over the last 6-months of 2003. So… she spent $12,000 in 6-months and literally had NOTHING to show for it.

As for the Thanksgiving complaint – she was wrong about that, too. Her oldest brother and both sisters-in-law, after the fact, told me that I showed great restraint and that PP had no business badgering me like that and… “she deserved worse.”

As for the other issues – no need to comment on them for this post – my replies are self-explanatory, if wasted on THE PEW.

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Food-Stamps for Cash Program

An early threatening email from Psycho-SIL.

When PP was unemployed and exploiting every system she could, she managed to convince the PEW to act as an ATM-machine, trading the food-stamps she was on in exchange for cash. I thought that it was going to be a one-time deal, but apparently it was going on for a while. She’d get $100 or so in food stamps and trade them to PEW in exchange for $80 in cash. Given her substance abuse issues, suicide issues, etc. – this was obviously a horrible, horrible idea.

One day while at work, I was called by PEW to stop and get “her” some cash on the way home. This was right around Thanksgiving 2002. Between craziness at work, getting stuck late, etc. – I had forgotten. Nevermind that PEW could have rolled out to a nearby ATM at any time on her own.

When I arrived without the cash, the gig was exposed and I expressed the finality of my horror at the implications for PP’s health and well-being. Of course, PEW had all kinds of excuses and justifications for “helping” her sister. PEW had a meltdown, but I didn’t really care, I’d lock-down the account if I had to. Any involvement in our lives from PP was way too much for me. Soon thereafter, I got this gem in my work email…

LM,

I just wanted to respond to your accusations about my character. Despite my troubles over the years, I have yet to defraud or steal from my family.

The reason I was willing to “lose” $80.00 on the food deal was because I know what a cheap person you are and that you would make PEW’s life hell if she helped me out for anything that wasn’t a landslide deal for you guys. As for why I didn’t get anything at Walmart that I needed, you were supposed to be bringing the money home with you, so I figured I would go to the [drugstore] later. I needed eyebrow wax, which by the way, Walmart doesn’t carry the brand I use (surgiwax, in the microwavable tub) only [drugstore] does. Please feel free to check that out. Despite what you think of me, I don’t like taking hand-outs. I thought the deal I had offered you guys was a win-win for both parties. If you must know, I threw in a pack of condoms for $1.87 while with PEW because it was just less embarrassing to buy them with other stuff (hers that is).

Listen, I don’t think that you “forgot” to get the money, especially after being reminded twice. I mean, if it was an auction you were supposed to stop and check out, you wouldn’t have “forgot,” that, would you? I think that you didn’t like having to get the money before the food. Too bad, that’s what being ahead $80.00 get me – immediate cash. Anyway, I had pitched the idea to PEW – she was the one that said you could bring the money home that day – which I thought was great. I didn’t demand it that day. Once I thought I was going to have it though, I was relieved.

Do I think my sister is stupid? no, I think you batter her emotionally until she even starts to think in your warped way. That is why again, I had to make sure it was a win/win for you or you would use her doing me a favor to extort something that you wanted from her.

I said we could go shopping whenever PEW wanted, but for pride’s sake, I was hoping it would be at a not very busy time. PEW said she had just gone shopping so I didn’t think she’d need to go immediately. The card is good for a month. The day before Thanksgiving is a very busy day traditionally. They are after all, food-stamps – which I thought might be embarrassing to use. However, I went to the store after returning your money, minus the $18.00 I had spent, and it was pretty painless – just like using an ATM. I will get the $18.00 back to you as soon as possible. Don’t start emailing me and harassing me for it.

It’s funny, when things are important to YOU, you never forget them. When they are important to other people, you are VERY forgetful. You are a very one-sided individual and although I might get over this someday because I love my sister and my nephews, if you ever accuse me of trying to use or abuse anyone I love, if you accuse me of being that low, you will have bitten off way more than even YOU can chew.

PEW, keep other people out of this. I don’t like people knowing my business and trust me, everybody would take my side, knowing how cheap LM is. I try to be there when you guys need me – maybe it’s not money-oriented but I don’t think it’s less valuable. I’m sorry that you two trust your children with me, even your dogs, but you think I’m capable of stealing from you.

Have a nice Thanksgiving. Thanks for starting my holiday season off on an even better note.

~PP.

The sense of entitlement is apparently a genetic condition in this family.

I’m busy at work, have two children aged 4 and 1-1/2, a crisis condition in my marriage – and I forget to get the cash necessary to subsidize PP’s secret habits (whatever they were at the time) – and crazy as it is, they almost seem to make a rational argument about how wrong I am for the predicament PP is in.

Of course, I was having none of that. Sadly for you, the readers, this time-frame is one that precedes my obsessive saving of everything. I did fire off to her a reply that laid out all that I knew about her history, but don’t have the exact email:

– Embezzling funds from her well-paying, very important job.

– Stealing the identities of both her mother and her aunt (who have the same name) in order to secure loans and credit cards in their names.

– Failure to pay back PEW for things PEW bought for her without my knowledge.

– A failure to repay a few-thousand-dollars worth of loan that PEW gave her prior to our relationship.

…and a whole host of other things. She’s a liar, a thief, and a manipulator of the highest order. PP is a bully and really fancies herself as intimidating when she’s not and her threat that I will have bitten off “more than even I could chew” didn’t sit well with me. I let her know that she was a complete fraud and that the level of interjection into my life and that of my family was too much. Further, if it continued, I would make sure that she would not soon forget that she would have bitten off way more than she could chew… and that I would have no qualms about backing it up. I only wish I had a copy of it to share the details.

This email consists of nothing you haven’t already seen before in terms of projection, denial, lies, refusal to accept responsibility, and a lofty sense of entitlement.

Other weirdities:

– Why so much detail on her eyebrow wax and condoms? TMI!

– Of all of the households on her side of the family, ours (despite PEW) was the most financially successful. Nice house. Nice cars. Decent furniture. The term “cheap” epitomized the entirety of her family.

– One thing that was very clear is that I was never comfortable with her watching the children and probably wasn’t all that comfortable with her even watching the dogs!

– Yes, she thought her sister was/is stupid. It’s why, like the leech that she is, she attaches herself to those she can slowly suck the blood (money) from. PEW’s need for acceptance (from others) overrode her common sense often.

One final thought… if “everyone is going to side with you” – that’s when you let everyone know your business.

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