Lora writes, "Tomorrow is the Big Day!"

LM & DW,

Tomorrow is the big day… we hope! We go back to court, again, to hopefully win custody of my husband’s kids. We’ve been going every other month it seems since January, a full month after CPS took my husband’s daughter from his PEW (and gave her to the PEW’s mother, per the PEW’s request), and three months since he’d seen his daughter last. His son elected to come live with us nearly a year ago exactly, due to struggles at home with both his mother and his older half brother, so we have had custody of him at least. Between the PEW and CPS both, it has been an uphill battle.

The PEW has talked his son into lying about his father(my husband), promised him a life full of doing what ever he wants(to include drug use, hanging out with old friends that got him into trouble before) in exchange for coming back to live with her. Now that the PEW has the daughter back from CPS, she is trying to turn the little girl(just turned 6) against her father like she has his son. It is disgusting, to be honest. The woman has tested positive for drugs multiple times in the last nearly year, has flown off the coop at counselor’s visits (all documented), and my husband has never come up positive, never thrown a fit… and still, there is a chance that she could get the boy back, and keep his daughter as well.

The last time we were at court, a ‘social study’ was agreed upon. It has cost us nearly three times as much money as it was supposed to, but hopefully, will be worth it. When my husband’s son spoke to the social worker yesterday (the one conducting said ‘social study’, he admitted to her freely that he’d lied to CPS about his dad for his mom and that he’d done drugs under the care of (but not in sight of) his mother during her supervised visitation with him. He told the social worker that his dad wouldn’t let him talk to his old friends (yes, the ones he’d gotten into trouble for shoplifting with and the ones he’d been doing drugs with), made him do his homework and go to school. With Mom, he’d already been on probation for shoplifting, been held back a year at school for truancy, and failing all his classes as well as regular marijuana use with his friends. As the social worker said… ‘No wonder he wants to go live with his mom!’

Now, our primary goal is to keep custody of the boy, as mom treats boy (verbally, mentally abusive) far differently than girl (‘normal’, for now at least); however, per our attorney, we are in fact fighting for custody of both. It is our hope that with this ‘social study’ report, they will not be able to justify keeping daughter with mom if son shouldn’t be with mom. And tomorrow, we will see.

Wish us luck!
Lora

Lora wrote this letter on September 23rd, 2008 and then followed up with us regarding the outcome of their court hearing…

LM & DW,

Court, for now, is over and done with. Per the social worker’s recommendations, my husband’s son will be staying with us, period. His daughter will stay with Mom. Visitation will remain the way it currently is, weekend wise, but holidays will be modified (we only had temporary orders that didn’t include holidays). We also managed to get it stipulated that his ex-wife will have to follow through with all and any recommendations from the psychological testing done by CPS within 30 days, and we also got in a requirement of random drug testing (this is our major concern, as well as the psychological stuff).

We could have gone daggers for his daughter as well, but, given circumstances, we really feel this is in his daughter’s best interests for now. That could change in the coming weeks, months, years. Who’s to know? My husband and his ex split up when his daughter was still an infant, she has never had Dad around full time and Mommy is her constant. There is an undeniable bond between mother and daughter that we cannot find fault with. At this time, while his ex is clean and drug free, we aren’t sure that pulling his daughter from her ‘safety line’ is the best thing to do. If, however, the situation deteriorates or she starts testing dirty, then we will go back to court.

We are incredibly thankful. It went better than the worst case scenario, but not as well as the best case scenario, but we can work with this.

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers, and know that we will be continuing to read your blogs, something tells me that our journey is not nearly complete (we’ll be dealing with the ex until his daughter turns 18, at least!).

-Lora

Lora and Husband,

Success in the family court arena is often counted in the small steps forward. While you didn’t achieve all of your goals, it’s very nice to see that you’ve managed to gain some ground in protecting the kids from their mother’s issues. Hopefully, some of the steps you’ve taken will ultimately help your PEW in the long-run, too.

Continued best wishes to you and yours!

Sincerely,
LM & DW

 Subscribe in a reader

ADK Writes Again and it’s Not Good

LM & DW

Hi. I had contacted you over 6 months ago regarding our own PEW.

I am once again reaching out for help. Since our last e-mail to you, we have become engaged and plan to be married in 6 months.

Everything had improved for a while – we were doing parallel parenting and discussing NOTHING over the phone (since it’s not documentable means of communication). We had stopped responding to her e-mailed rants and only responded with bulleted texts or e-mails regarding relevant matters on his three sons (9, 7, and 5). I guess she didn’t like that very much, because 2 months ago she got a court-appointed parent coordinator. What might have had the potential to be a helpful situation has crashed and burned. The coordinator insists that the SMALLEST matter be solved in a face to face meeting between her, my fiance and the PEW. The PEW, craving contact with my fiance, relishes this and is constantly trying to bring up defining my role with her children, asking what the legal role of a stepmother is, etc etc. The parenting coordinator, who I am guessing was dumped by a husband in the past, indulges the PEW and will literally yell at my fiance. He has to go or he will be held in contempt of court. If he requests a new coordinator, there is a chance one could be a appointed that has binding decision-making authority. This one doesn’t have that (Thank God).

The latest extravaganza is her telling my fiance through e-mail that their oldest son has been crying a lot lately and has been writing very dark and disturbing writings and artwork. He immediately texted to speak with her over the phone (since that is an emergent issue). She calls, and begins to say how the 9 year old wants to break everything in sight, “including our marriage”, and that he’s “suffering” because of us getting married, and that she has disturbing artwork and writings from him. My fiance asked her 5 times to provide him with these. She hedged each time. He has now asked her for 3 days, and all she will respond with is “I think he needs therapy, so if you’d like to sit down and meet with me……”

I am afraid she is going to hide behind a blown-out-of-proportion 9 year olds concerns about his father’s remarriage to dictate whether I should come to school functions, sport functions, what my role should be, whether the kids should come to the wedding, etc etc

By the way, when this child is with us, it is all smiles and happiness, no tears, many drawings of us as a family with rings on my hand and my fiance’s hand, cards saying ‘I Love You,” etc……

Any advice you could give on this matter would be greatly appreciated. We don’t know what to do.

Thank you,

ADK

ADK,

Again, I’m sorry to hear of your troubles. I know it’s no great solace, but your experience with the Parenting Coordinator is not as uncommon as you may think. I’ve seen stories eerily similar to yours.

Like many of the players in the divorce and family court arena, there are those with inherent biases, experiences, thoughts and solutions that simply don’t fit a high-conflict personality such as your PEW’s. These idealistic people believe that everyone is an adult and if we could all just sit down in a room together and speak rationally, there would no longer be problems.

Unfortunately, in your case as you’ve described it – your PC is facilitating a dangerous situation. Your PEW having unfettered access to your DH will never go away. It is the antithesis of “LOW CONTACT” and will forever be the vehicle by which she can maintain and even escalate her reign of chaos on the entire family.

Further, your PC is clearly overwhelmed by the situation, biased, and most importantly – completely unprofessional.

My advice: Fire the parenting coordinator. Regardless of the risks involved with the next one, this one is doing you two no good and is further making difficult your lives with her lack of helpful problem solving, lack of professionalism, and abusive tactics. The PC has literally become the negative advocate for your PEW.

My fear would be that by allowing this pattern of experience to continue, you end up in court, and the PC provides substantial support for PEW and contends that you are the difficult ones.

In closing – as for the “stories” about the 9-year old… I would disregard them unless you hear or see for yourself that such behavior is manifesting itself with him. Keep your eyes on the situation. If I had a nickel for everytime The PEW said that the boys “cried hysterically” and “hating going to you” – not only would I be rich, they wouldn’t have as much fun nor appear to be the normal, well-adjusted kids that they are when they are with me. It’s another weapon used to make you two doubt yourselves. Don’t let it work. Talk to the boy. Tell him that you hear he is interested in art and writing and ask him to tell you about it – even share some with you. That’s how you find out what’s going on with him. Certainly the PEW is only going to paint a picture of worry, blame, and fear – even if it’s complete fiction. Don’t get sucked into the madness. Avoid her efforts to keep a high level of contact with DH. I have a 9-year old. They can be spoken to. They do respond. They will share with some kindness and patience.

Maybe the readers will have some more suggestions that may prove helpful or even better than my thoughts. As always – wishing you the best possible outcome.

Sincerely,
LM

 Subscribe in a reader

"Lovingly Confused" Poses a Serious Connundrum

LM & DW,

I am in the same position as you. I am the DW, although not divorced, my LM has a PEW.

She is currently trying to accuse him of child abuse. I’m almost positive it is in order to get rid of me. She has followed the same conversations and behaviors of those that I found on your site. My problem is, I am getting a license to be a professional counselor. I know my LM and I for certain are not committing abuse and never would. She has not called her lawyer or filed with DHS. Do I stick around or go incognito for awhile??

Lovingly Confused

Dear Lovingly Confused,

Having had CPS called on myself by our PEW, I will tell you what I wish I had done beforehand, what I did afterwards, and what I would do in the future. I may expand this to all ways to protect yourself as the significant other of someone with a PEW, it’s probably something that would come in handy for a lot of people.

First, I would file a letter with your licensing office, local police station, and child protective service organization relaying your concerns about the possibility of her filing false abuse allegations. It’s something I wish I had done. While it won’t completely negate the chance of investigation if/when she does file something, at least you will already be on record of suspecting it and have a starting point when speaking with authorities.

Second, as difficult as it is, I would never be alone with their child(ren), period. When it comes down to what the real parent says vs. what the new woman says, you are dead in the water, so make sure someone else is always around. While it’s noble to want to be a great step-parent, unfortunately the PEW’s make this impossible. Your first thought has to be what kind of danger you are in, because it is real danger.

Third, I find it to be a very difficult position to have to decide to be a partner, or make myself disappear in order to not provoke the beast. I’m just not the type of person to surrender in the face of a bitch like that. There are times when it seems LM makes it appear as if I’m in the background when dealing with PEW, and frankly it ticks me off when that occurs. I want her to know that we are a package deal, but that’s probably a personal issue for me, so my advice probably isn’t the best on this issue. In the end I think if it hurts your relationship to have to “hide”, then it’s not worth it. She’s going to be psycho no matter what you do, so I really see no sense in hiding. I also think that hiding shows a PEW that you think you aren’t worthy of being in their presence and your significant other isn’t proud of you. It’s all about them, so this is an issue I find difficult.

Lastly, in overall protection, if I could do it over – I would never allow her to know anything about me. She would not know my last name, my children would never have seen her, etc. Most importantly I would continue to keep all of our assets separate, no shared bank accounts, even if married, separate property, everything, because she will try to come after you. Keep any business information out of her hands, she should have no idea where you work, what you do, who you hang out with, your history, anything, she will use it for evil, no matter what it is.

Those are my thoughts – we wish you the best of luck!

~DW

 Subscribe in a reader

Noncustodial Moms "Do It," Too!

PEOPLE!!! They deal with these types of issues, too! WhatEVER were you thinking?

Good afternoon,

Wow. I’m nowhere near being in your shoes, but I can strongly identify with many of the situations you describe. My PEH is less destructive, but equally selfish, clueless and wrapped up in his bubble of mememememememe. He’s certainly not BPD, but narcissistic? Oh yes. Passive aggressive? Yes. And his on/off ex-for-now girlfriend? She’s just psycho.

I’ve been devouring the blog with the kind of fascination that happens when watching a spectacular train wreck. I kinda want to look away. I’m happy it’s not me. There’s nothing I can do about it. … but wow, it’s impressive. And it so could almost be me.

DW must be a very strong person. My own DH has some difficulty with PEH…

I started implementing my own version of low-contact. Obviously, it can’t be no-contact because we have kids. And he’s not usually abusive or nasty or hostile enough for that to be a problem — although we did go through a spell — but the low contact is definitely achieving what I want. He’ll call me at work with some kind of inane request or comment about the kids. Silly stuff, that really? Didn’t need to call me for that… and then turn it into a moaning self-pitying rant about life, his friends, or mostly, his psycho GF/not-GF.

I used to — yes, I admit it — actually try to lend a caring ear and talk him out of his loathing or self-pity, figuring helping him be happy would benefit the kids — and I’m just that kind of person. I’d give him a pep-talk at least once a week, and other days, just listen to him vent. But it was like being a kleenex. Wouldn’t ask me how I was — and if he did, it was with the “oh, yes, I must not forget to be polite” tone of voice, and he wouldn’t listen to the answer anyway, and generally cut me off. When things were good with the GF, I was worthless and evil, and we ought to be more independent of each other. When things were bad with the GF, I was a convenient shoulder to cry on. So I started training him. Very slowly, he’s learning. Complaining and carrying on about himself and his problems is met with the kind of stony silence he can hear. No “mmhm.” Nothing. Then he feels awkward and switches back to the topic at hand, or trying to find a topic. Yes, all he wants is attention.

We recently went through a real upheaval, and this is really where I realized how firm I needed to be about the ways I let him speak to me. I decided to move — one hour out of the downtown core. Yes, that makes me the big evil woman. I’m not. Quite frankly, I have the right to have a life, and it isn’t going to be by continuing to live in the shit-poor area of town within 5 blocks of his cat-piss smelling apartment building that I will build one. And since I can provide something better than inner-city welfare area housing, I will. But oh he wasn’t pleased. It was an insult. The kids don’t need better than that. It was horrendously selfish of me to not make my life plans around his wants and needs. Suddenly, the kids were his life, and he wasn’t going to accept any change at all to our custody agreement (informal and adjusted over the years as needed.) Whereas before? He was bugging me frequently to take the kids on his days so he could go out or spend more time with GF. His main complaint was that he resented me “doing this to him.” Hell, I wasn’t DOING anything to him, I was doing something FANTASTIC for the kids, namely providing them with a house in a safe, healthy, fantastic neighbourhood, and offering the option of a school they could walk to without the need for after school day care. He had options, I was open to negotiation. His position was “you’re not allowed to move. I won’t let you.” No words about what would be better or worse for the kids. Nope. Only about how it would affect his schedule. His attempt at “negotiation” started and ended with his suggestion that rather than DH and I buying the house we’d put an offer on, we should buy a duplex downtown with PEH, so that we could live in the same building (and, *shhh* he could mooch off our income and profit from owning a house that he would never be able to afford on his own.)

Well, we made it through that. We’re working with the new custody arrangement, which sees me getting the kids every weekend except one a month during the school year, and 50/50 in the summer. And it’s ok, but I think his parenting is poor, and letting him have them more than 50% of the time concerns me. Oh he’s not mean or nasty or violent. He’s subtle and baby-talks them, and puts all kind of health fears into their little heads. He actually wanted to include in the agreement that if the kids “expressed a need to attend an activity” we were both obliged to take them because “the kids’ needs come before our own” — this in reference to him scheduling weekend activities that I would then have to take them to, regardless of our (DH and I) plans. I clarified that activities like gymnastics are not NEEDS, but that is how he parents. If the kids want something it is a need and he bends over backwards to provide it thinking this will earn their love and devotion. Damn straight, but only for as long as the catering to their every whim lasts. And I become the nasty mean parent because I don’t let them get away with it. But every time they go back to his place they re-learn that whining gets them stuff, and I end up un-training them all over again. It’s crazy-making. He doesn’t see how this is harmful.

For the time being, he’s off again with his psycho GF. And you know what? She wants to maintain contact with the kids by writing letters to them. Previously, the last time the split, they had a “visitation” day. She would come over on Tuesdays to spend time with them, as if she had any right to maintain a relationship with them. Now, she wants to continue contact by letter. I told him sternly what I thought, but he actually was considering it because maybe it would be good for the kids; they like her.

So all this ranting to say I’m reading the blog everyday. Your experience is bolstering and fortifying my own position and opinions… thank you for sharing and exposing so clearly the nitty gritty details of what it’s like to deal with a nutty ex…

Good luck!

“MommaFish”

 Subscribe in a reader

I Fell Prey to Her Charms & Her Beauty

Great site. I’ve been through an exhausting and terrifying four years myself. Just won sole custody of my son from my second wife, who was formally diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Depression. She is allowed only supervised parenting time. And the court is allowing my son and I to relocate to another state, to escape her and her family’s continual attacks. This after she and her Legal Aid attorney initially manipulated the court into upholding a fraudulent restraining order against me which granted her temporary custody of my son for one year, and control of my home, which she and her family then stripped of all belongings. In all, a resounding victory for our 3 y.o. son. But at a cost of almost $100,000 in legal fees for a trial that lasted over 7 months and consumed over 40 hours of court testimony.

I’m a physician — I should have known better. But I fell prey to her charms and her beauty. And there is a part of me that still cares for her, still loves her, and still wishes she could be “normal”, so that our son could have a healthy mother. Fortunately, she is now on psychotropic medications, and says she is in behavioral management therapy — I hope she means Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. On the other hand, my son tells me that she’s dating a new “victim” — I wish there were a way I could warn him.

My first marriage was to a sane woman, and the two of us ended our marriage amicably, always putting our child’s needs ahead of our own. But my second marriage…

My second wife, the BPD/NPD mother of my son, is a high-functioning, charming, intelligent, slender, tall, long-haired, beautiful woman, and 22 years younger than me. She was able to convince two Ph.D. psychologists that she has no mental illness. But she is a highly-skilled manipulator, and her comfort with deceit is terrifying. She plays the victim effortlessly. My fight was with her, her bipolar/BPD mother, and her true-believer, radical feminist, man-hating, racially-biased Legal Aid attorney. Here are some of the things that she, with the assistance of her mother and attorney, did:

— abducted my son across state lines, twice, once at 6 months of age, a second time when he was 2 y.o.;

— forwarded my personal US mail, including correspondence from my attorney, to her parent’s PO Box, then refused to return my mail;

— stripped my home of over $100,000 in belongings — art work, Persian rugs, etc., going so far as to remove light and shower fixtures;

— hacked into my web-based email accounts;

— intercepted privileged emails between myself and my attorney;

— fabricated threatening emails to her from me, after hacking into my email account;

— submitted fabricated evidence to the court;

— suppressed out-of-state police reports during the restraining order hearing;

— filed false police reports against me;

— filed false reports of child abuse with CPS and the police against me;

— had a girlfriend of hers send a letter to the custody evaluator accusing me of being an ex-felon and running an internet child pornography ring;

— hacked into my (formerly) secure FTP site where I stored all my case notes;

— and the worst: she and her mom programmed my son’s 8-y.o. maternal half-sister into making false allegations that I had sexually abused her, the little girl, by using a recording device to help her practice her sex abuse “story”, a story containing explicit, graphic descriptions of deviant sexual acts.

We were fortunate to have an incredibly insightful and committed jurist as our trier of fact. She found my ex to be not credible, to have made false allegations of abuse against her and the children, and to have committed child abuse by sponsoring her daughter to make false allegations of sex abuse against me. The judge ruled from the bench, and also wrote out detailed findings of fact, providing me hard copy documentation to provide to authorities the next time this unhealthy woman and her family make false allegations against me. We also had a very professional and unbiased custody evaluator.

I’m writing a detailed analysis of my experience, including my view of what seemed to contribute to our success in court. It’s in part a case study of [BPD] across three generations of women — the ex-wife, her mother, and her 8-y.o. daughter, and in part a case study of a successful legal strategy for litigating against an ill-intentioned BPD family and their true-believer attorney.

~SingleHWNDad

SingleHWNDad,

What an incredible, but believable story. I hope that when you complete your analysis, you write a book or publish your findings… and send me a copy!

We hope and pray that you and your son can heal and grow after the experiences. Always remain on guard.

Sincerely,
DW & LM

 Subscribe in a reader

You Have Saved Our Sanity!

Dear DW and LM,

My husband and I just want to thank you for promoting the “low contact” strategy.

For 8 years we have been documenting, documenting, documenting, but we were always at a loss when it came to conversations with BM on the phone. As taping conversations without her knowing is illegal in our state, the rages she would have were always our word against hers. After starting to read your website, a few months ago DH put his foot down after she went off on him on the phone. He told her he wasn’t going to take her verbal abuse anymore, and that he would only be contacting her by email. When the phone rings he lets it go straight to voicemail. Now we finally have recordings of her raging – she actually did it on voicemail and in about 6 emails.

I think she must have talked to someone who wised her up, though, because now she says she has no internet service and DH “has” to talk to her on the phone. DH responded in a letter, which we sent FedEx, stating that she could feel free to leave us messages, but all of DH’s responses would be sent in writing by mail. She is at a loss ; ) In the past we used to send her certified mail, but she would not answer the door and then say because of her “medical” issues, she could not get to the post office. Now we send FedEx with indirect signature, which means she can just sign a door tag and they will leave it at her door. No excuses!

Since the beginning, she has terrorized us into thinking that because she is BM her every whim and desire must be met immediately and on her terms. Your site has freed us from that feeling and we are now able to address the issues that are important to the children and ignore everything else. It hasn’t made her any more sane or reasonable, but at least now we feel that we can show what we have been trying to communicate to her regarding her relationship with her children, and that gives us quite a bit of serenity. What a huge power shift! (It also helped that we moved about 18 hours away from her, and don’t have to deal with the drama of her every other weekend visits anymore.)

Ironically, she also complained because DH wasn’t having the boys call “immediately” after she left a message, and that she was to have direct contact with them. So we got them a Skype phone for very little cost per year, unlimited calling, and she leaves them messages. We no longer have to make sure they call her back – she got pissed when they didn’t call her back right away (sometimes it was a week before they did), and she couldn’t complain to DH, because it was her idea! Sometimes, when they hear the phone ring, they see it is her and put the phone back without answering it. They actually talked to her more when DH took her messages and had them call back because we never gave them a choice. I now no longer dread the phone ringing, and actually look forward to her next “drama” message, because we can choose to address it or not, and in our own time. You have saved our sanity!

Sincerely,
CZ

CZ & DH,

No problem and you aren’t the first… and won’t be the last to benefit from this strategy. Not only does it mitigate your insanity… they’re often too stupid to keep from giving you evidence that may be crucial down the road (rages, threats, etc.).

Good for you guys!!!

Sincerely,
Mister-M

 Subscribe in a reader

I Am a Psychiatrist

Dear LM & DW,

I am a Psychiatrist. I just recently finished my residency and have started practice at my county hospital. I never made any rules as to which kind of patients I would be unwilling to take on. Of course I was a “new” doctor and I could cure the world.

However, I was paged to the hospital emergency room for a patient that was suicidal and had her 3 young children with her. Needless to say, I was at the hospital very quickly. If not for the patient herself but for the children. I have taken on this patient and her 3 children. The children, I am positive, are normal and just scared of the things they heard from their mother. This might just might be the patient that makes me say I am unwilling to take on patients with BPD. You see I talked to her for a very long time and within the first 5-minutes of her telling me her feelings, thoughts, and history, she hit on all of the characteristics of BPD.

You may be sitting there thinking why in the world is this woman telling me this? Well, after calling the man she had listed as her emergency contact at the hospital. And yes, she has been in and out of our ER at least 15 times threatening suicide. I find out that he is her ex-husband and they are in the middle of a very heated custody battle. I will save my immediate thoughts on what I think. However, the ex-husband has told me that he has my name and where I work as I havent tried to hide that from him. More importantly, he is going to subpoena me for the emergency hearing. So I am just patiently waiting on the order to be served.

How odd is it that I am the stepmother in my husband’s case. And now I am going to be testifying in someone else’s. I just wanted to thank you for writing this blog and giving BPD exposure. And good luck in your case.

~Meg

Meg,

You wouldn’t be the first Psychiatrist (or Psychologist) we’ve heard from who simply wants to avoid working with people suffering from borderline personality disorder. They are very difficult people to treat and it takes an almost inexhaustible supply of patience and care. Sadly, they do need real help and hopefully you are able to withstand the emotional and mental strain that they seem to put upon everyone – even professionals such as you.

Good luck and let us know what you ultimately decide.

~LM & DW

 Subscribe in a reader

A Self-Proclaimed Psycho Ex-Wife Writes…

Dear LM & DW,

My ex works for the [company deleted] in [city deleted] – he took out a restraining order on me because I drove him off the edge

I love the double standard – they treat their wives like dirt and walk out – then get restraining orders because the courts offer them that convenience. [The] last thing they need on earth is a convenience – because they’ll use it – Congress needs to shut down this restraining order business – you should be able to get on UTube and post it like it is – I bought my husband’s name on a website address – that’s also a good one!

Now I get arrested if I even go to [city deleted]. I’m barred from entering [city deleted]. Says that right on the order. So I’m going over to [Deleted] Court and bar something else – hopefully him from walking around without a prison uniform on.

S.

Reminders of just how good I actually have it just pop up sometimes. This actually came to us with the subject line: I am a psycho ex-wife!

 Subscribe in a reader

Anonymous asks, "What Do You Think?"

LM & DW,

My husband had alerted our PEW that we would be sending a letter outlining arrangements for an intermediary before this — which we now can’t do. What do you think of this letter (we would send it registered, rather than email)? Is it provocative? Is there anything you would add or subtract? We have been writing emails to the children and have received no reply. They may not be checking them, they sometimes don’t, but we worry, naturally, about their actually receiving them.

Thanks for your time,

~Anonymous…

Dear [Yourpew],

Unfortunately, we are unable to implement a third party intermediary at this time. Because the sort of emails you sent after the children’s Christmas visit must never be repeated, we, once again, request that you restrict your contact with us to emails consisting solely of current important information concerning the children. Any other content will neither be read nor replied to.

Telephone calls should only be made in emergency situations regarding the children’s’ health, safety, and welfare or regarding travel and handover of the children when it is in progress and email contact is not possible.

Please give the cell phone, number XXX-123-4567, to the children. It is to be theirs, and used for no other purpose except to contact their father, whenever they wish. It will continue to be paid for for this use, and it must remain charged and in working order.

Please put in place an ongoing appointment for the boys to receive a call from their father on this cell [on Sundays at __a.m./p.m.]. If for any reason (work or travel) “He” is unable to make the call, he will let the boys know in advance and make alternate arrangements. The boys must check their emails, at a minimum, weekly on Sundays and reply to them.

The travel arrangements for the week of [XX/XX/XXXX] are as follows:

[Details]

My suggestions would be as follows:

Dear Yourpew,

Due to your incessant abusive behavior both via electronic media and telephone, we will no longer accept any emails nor telephone calls which include foul language, abusive language, anything other than matters requiring urgent attention related only to the children. Please be advised, all other communications, questions, etc. shall be ignored – no exceptions.

If a phone call isn’t an urgent matter pertaining to the children – we will hang up the phone without warning. If your emails aren’t an urgent matter pertaining to the children – we will not respond.

We expect phone calls to the children to be answered by the children without discussion with you or any other interference. We will call on X-date at X-time. They may call us whenever they wish.

These are the [specified] travel arrangements:

[Details]

Sincerely,
Us

Here is what to expect in response:

– Rage, abusive emails and/or phone calls testing your boundaries. You will need to hold firm.

– She will not answer the phone, in an effort to engage you. If you’re not prepared to take her to court over it (assuming she is violating an order) – there is nothing you can do about it. Prepare to never speak to the children again unless they are in your company.

– Do not do the cellphone thing – she will only confiscate them, not allow them to call/answer, or worse – start running up the cellphone bill to astronomical levels. I know people who have tried this with a high-conflict ex. Many people. Not one single success story. Do not do it.

– She will never put in place any schedule for anything that is convenient to you. Don’t ask her. Don’t expect it. It simply will not happen. Not for phone calls. Not for emails. She wants you to rely on her. She will fail you in her ongoing, almost drug-addictive desire to have your attention, and not follow through on promises or agreements. The only way to get a schedule in place is via court – and when she violates that, you’ll have to go back. It’s the way of the high-conflict ex.

I know that this is not good news for you, but it is your reality. It is not based solely on my experience but it is based on a wealth of experience of people I know with similar situations. The distance between you and the children only makes it worse. You almost have no recourse and for that I feel very sorry for all of you.

~LM

 Subscribe in a reader

PS writes: "Wow! There Really Are Other People Just Like PEW!"

Hi LM and DW;

Congratulations on a great site. I hope it will go a long way to casting a light on BPD and the family court system. Like when I discovered ‘Stop Walking on Eggshells’ in the middle of my divorce, it gives me this feeling of WOW can there really be other people just like PEW. Some of the dialog you have posted is almost verbatim. The average person does not have a clue when it comes to the family courts. “Best in interest of the kids” what an absolute joke. Only in the light of a PEW can you really see just how hollow this phrase is.

I am a custodial father that fought the system for 4-years to finally win primary custody of my 3 boys from my BPD PEW. Like in your case if I had done 1/100th of what she did along the way I would be serving time and never see my kids again. Like you I used a LONG track record of agonizing detail to finally get the courts to actually listen. I called mine the abuse log. It was over 40 pages of specific instances by the time the custody trial ended, she could not run away or deny it. Too much detail and, in most cases, in her mind there was nothing to deny… “Yes I showed up unannounced and tried to break down the door on Father’s Day and take the kids but that was because I had to work on Mother’s Day and he had the kids so I should have the kids on Father’s Day.” I don’t think my attorney has ever been so entertained. Then while crossing me her attorney brought up all these factually incorrect things (i.e. she would be going for something and start with… “isn’t it true S1 is a Tiger in the Cub Scouts” …uhhh no that is not true) and the judge had to be wondering where she got her information. Her attorney would sometimes interrupt and object to my answers when it was making her look bad and the judge would say, “No Ms. X. You asked the question he gets to answer it.” Within 30 days of the custody ruling she filed for modification. My attorney told me to go and represent myself… “you can walk into court and spit on the judge and he is not going to change the agreement.” The judge ended up lecturing her in a way I am pretty sure PEW won’t be filing anything as long as he is on the bench.

It has been a few years since then and things have settled down somewhat. PEW works a lot and sees the kids occasionally. She still calls and tries to upset my household and issue all sorts of parenting orders, dredges up the past, denigrates me, etc. Quite awhile ago I adopted the “no abuse” standard and now I hang up or walk away if she starts up. Everything else not relevant to the kids, I ignore.

The kids are learning their mother is nuts, I never talk bad about her. They are adjusting pretty well all things considered. I had a therapist tell me when I was going through the divorce that most kids that have at least one good parent turn out just fine and that I needed to not worry so much. I didn’t beleive them at the time but I have to say so far they seem to be right.

I am now remarried to the most wonderful woman on earth, have a step daughter (like you we have a great shared parenting relationship with her father), and last spring my wife and I had twins. My DW has a lot of patience and is a big help in keeping everything with PEW in perspective. My house is a whole lot of chaos (the good kind) most of the time but being a parent is still the best job on earth…despite her best efforts PEW could never take that away from me.

Best of luck to you two and your 4 kids. Keep the practicing your ignoring skills, and keep the faith.

By the way – My DW is gong to school to become a divorce mediator and is working on a co-parenting web site.

~PS

Thanks for the positive feedback. It’s much appreciated.

I wish you and your DW all the best… and if I may be so bold – ask her to educate herself (if she isn’t already) on Parallel Parenting – which is what is most often needed in high-conflict situations. I think it would make her site much more attractive since many discuss one or the other and don’t spend enough time on the Parallel Parenting (and the difficulty associated with undertaking such an endeavor).

Sincerely,
~LM & DW

 Subscribe in a reader