“Oh, My Spouse Would NEVER Do That!”
I hear this repeated a lot with my clients – especially those who are just entering into the divorce process… maybe even just talking about it or thinking about it, and haven’t actually filed or moved out or anything.
The sad thing is, going through a divorce changes people. It brings out emotions of a type and intensity that they have never before experienced. It brings out behavior that nobody expects or predicts.
For those of us who sit outside of the divorce and dispassionately view the behavior going on inside, the craziness seems quite expected for a lot of reasons. For one thing, the soon-to-be-divorced person is now dealing with a spouse who no longer cares what they think. So the inhibiting factor of the spouse’s opinion is now gone. For another thing, both spouses are both engaging in an arena that is unfamiliar to them, but they are each hearing counsel and advice from a completely different set of voices. One is hearing from their attorney, their mother, their buddy at work, their golfing partner who went through his divorce five years ago and got screwed over… and the other is hearing from their attorney, their wise Dad, their hairdresser who went through her divorce three years ago and got screwed over… well, you see what I mean.
So, it’s easy to believe that you should expect the unexpected. It’s just that it doesn’t fit your current perception of your spouse. It can be troubling at best, and terrifying at worst, to realize that there is a person out there who is determined to destroy you. In actuality they are determined to preserve all that they believe is “fair” as they come away from your former family structure. And the reality is, preserving what’s “fair” means taking it from you. It just does. It also means (from their perspective) protecting themselves against you taking what you probably believe is “fair” from them. What it often looks like is “destroy the enemy” – i.e., YOU.
What does the unexpected behavior look like? Here’s an amazing (partial) list:
- He emptied out the bank accounts without her knowledge so that her checks bounced, then pressed for criminal charges against her.
- She increased the limits on all the credit cards without his knowledge, then ran them up to the max and refused to pay them.
- He sold antique heirloom jewelry of hers and kept the money.
- She smeared hamburger juice in hidden places so the house would stink, thus preventing its sale; so that she could remain in it for a longer period of time.
- He hacked into her e-mail account and made it appear that she was sending threatening hate missives to the judge and opposing attorney.
- She went to his workplace and lied to his boss, saying he was addicted to porn and that she suspected he was using his work computer to view it.
- He listed the name of his mother as his beneficiary on all accounts – since the last name was the same, nobody ever suspected.
- She told all the neighbors that he was a pedophile… resulting in dozens of “good citizen” calls to Family Protective Services for charges that were completely fabricated.
- He bribed the children to steal property from their mother’s house, including all of her divorce paperwork.
- She confiscated all of the Christmas gifts the children had received from him, sold them and kept the money.
- He listed her car and other valuables for sale in the Classifieds at ridiculously low prices, along with her private phone number and the advice to “call anytime, day or night”.
- She provoked a fight, assaulted him, screamed as though she was being attacked, and then called 9-1-1 and reported him for domestic violence.
- He sued for 50% of the house she had moved into when they separated, knowing that she had purchased it with her own separate money, but determined to invoke community property laws to lay claim to “his half” anyway.
- She hid the children at her boyfriend’s house, then told the ex-husband that the kids had been taken out of state – thus enticing him to bring a kidnapping charge and making himself look foolish when she later produced the children unharmed.
This is just a partial list of some of the most heinous behavior imaginable. This doesn’t even touch the very common occurrences of property destruction, asset hiding, and parental alienation that also regularly take place during divorce. And, in each and every instance, that person was given a warning of what was likely to happen, and in each instance, their response was, “Oh, my spouse would never do that!”
You may be right. Your spouse, that person you fell in love with and married, probably would never do any of these things. But we are not talking about that person. We are talking about your soon-to-be-ex spouse; the one that is terrified, angry, disappointed, and ashamed. The one that is hearing the voices of a thousand advocates saying “get them before they get you”. The one that is responding to emotions that he or she never knew existed, and still is not fully aware of. The one that no longer cares what you think of him or her, because you aren’t going to stay married anyway. The one that feels awful, and believes that they will only feel better if they have scorched the earth behind your sorry remains.
Gentle settlement is always the best way. But gentle settlement doesn’t mean leaving yourself a sitting duck, waiting for your trust to be violated by a person that you no longer know. Gentle settlement means hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. And yes, that means assume your spouse WOULD do that… and prepare to prevent it from happening. A good divorce coach can both sound that warning, and show you ways to forestall the bad behavior. And that is what allows healing and recovery to follow.
Peace.
About JB:
Collaborative Divorce Coach, Mediator, Family Mediator, Parent Coordinator, Communications Coach, Facilitator, Public Speaker, Instructor, Group Discussion Leader, Cognitive Psychology Aficionado, Life Management Training Assistant…. Absolutely passionate about protecting children from the ravages of divorce! Also — coaches, teaches, and consults in the online world Second Life as avatar Andi Martinsyde, at Reliable Divorce Consultants.
See all my blog posts at: thedivorcecoach-am.
Mweaverpew's Weblog 