Heading Towards Custody Evaluation #1

Leading into the Fall of 2004, PEW’s original work plan was to find a full-time day job because the children would be in school (S1) and daycare/pre-K (S2). However, given the adversarial nature of the proceedings and specifically her first attorney who was looking for the maximum money under every rock, it would make sense that her plan would change.

You see, if both kids were in school, there would be almost no compelling reason aside from straight-up family court mother-bias to change the custody arrangement at the time, which was effectively 50/50 shared. However, her crazy-assed Summer schedule of 2nd-shift Fridays, double-shift Saturdays, and double-shift Sundays allowed her to be “off all during the week.” This would give those involved in forcing a decision on the custody matter to look favorably upon PEW. After all, she was going to “be available all week long” to tend to the children. This arrangement could be leveraged to leave me with weekends and her with primary custody. That would be her plan exactly. Success meant primary child-support money. Success meant there was going to be little chance that I would be able to afford the steep child-support figure and be able to keep the children settled in the marital home for at least half of the total custodial time.

Still, there were the occasional scheduling issues associated with this arrangement which led to disagreements about using her sister as a sitter.

LM,

If I am awarded primary custody of the kids, it will be then that re-evaluate going into work at 5pm on fridays. I think I have gone out of my way to accomodate your work schedule(for the past 6 years.) And in return, you “make up” a bunch of lies and put in for a PFA.

My sister is a loving responsible adult. She’s doing great and has been doing great for some time. She is a wonderful Aunt. If you are not coming home at 2:30, she will be taking care of the boys till you get home.

~PEW

PEW,

As indicated by what? Repeated failed attempts to stop drinking? An arrest for public drunkenness? Doing significant damage to wheels and suspension of her car with no recollection as to how it happened? Drunk-driving. Binge-drinking. Drug abuse. Stalking. AA, [the rehab center], etc.?

Don’t think for one second that I doubt your sister’s love for the children, but unfortunately, your faith (and mine) in her efforts to get herself together have failed repeatedly over the past half-dozen years. You may be willing to risk the boys being around for the next failure, but it is of great concern to me. Driving, for sure… and watching them alone. I’ve been there when your sister has been quite unnerved when watching the boys alone. Unfortunately, both of us have to be convinced that she’s suddenly “okay” and I’m not. I’m not willing to risk her losing control if/when the boys become unruly.

In the future, I will make arrangements for appropriate child-care on Fridays for both boys.

~LM

LM,

My sister was not arrested for public drunkeness. She was issued a citation. That was several months ago and she has not had a drink since. Are you coming home at 2:30? Is that what you are telling me? Like I said, if you are not PP will be watching them for the 2 hours.

~PEW

I could not make arrangements to get out of work early that day and was stuck with PEW’s selection for babysitters.

Despite all of the hassles, I had previously explained that in the aftermath of winning the first major court hearing on the schooling issue followed by the PEW’s break-in to the marital home, followed by the restraining order being issued against the PEW, followed by PEW’s choice of her sister as her babysitter of choice given her instability and storied history… I truly believed that things were falling into place for me to get shared 50/50 custody at an absolute minimum. I started to feel that between the documented history and the choices she was making merely weeks before the custody evaluation would bode very well for me and the children.

Boy would I be wrong.

 Subscribe in a reader

Inconsequential Details…

…leading up to our first custody evaluation…

In the aftermath of the protection from abuse hearing (or lack thereof), all remained eerily quiet on the road to the custody evaluation. There were a few issues that reared the ugly head from time-to-time:

Once the child-support payments were set-up, there were some snafus with the work check-runs that would prompt the regular, recurring “I didn’t get my support check” emails. Even after that was corrected, knucklehead wasn’t used to the usual red-tape delays that commonly occur because she had to have my wages garnished instead of taking my checks directly. Her choice, not mine. I finally got around to ignoring those emails after telling her a couple of times to take it up with the child support disbursement office. (For the record, I was paying $869/month for child support having them 50% of the time and also paying “temporary spousal support” to the tune of $204/month.) I’m still at a loss to figure out how I was to pay that much and her petition for spousal support was a joke. For someone who “couldn’t afford to pay reasonable attorney’s fees” – she sure was petition-happy during that period.

There was also the small matter of the direct checks I was sending her directly prior to the order. After some hemming and hawing as well as my providing ample proof via canceled checks – that was rectified as well and I received appropriate credit for payments made up to the time we finally had an order entered.

Our work schedules were tough and kind of messed-up on Fridays which brought another round of issues surrounding her desire to have her alcoholic, bipolar, untreated psycho-sister watching the children for a few hours on Fridays until I could pick them up. There was nothing I could do except document my objections. She tried to leverage my inability to adjust my work schedule into “being okay” with her sister watching the children. I simply repeated my objections and stated that there was nothing I could legally do to stop her from using psycho-SIL as a babysitter.

It was also the earliest foray into partial parallel-parenting, too. Though I still hadn’t officially heard of it, we had some problems with me sending the children over dressed in decent clothing only to have her not return the clothing. It wasn’t long before I was left with nothing but sweatpants and sweatshirts. When I asked her about returning the clothing, she informed me that they “didn’t fit right” and she disposed of them. It would be the last time I sent them back to her in anything that she didn’t first supply me with. The clothes were fine. So, from that moment on, I washed whatever it was they arrived in and sent them back home in it when it was time to return them. To this very day, I still do that. Money is tight and especially then… I couldn’t afford to have her trashing the clothes that I had purchased for them.

Between September and mid-October, we would have attended 6 custody evaluation sessions. 2 each alone. 1 together. 1 together with the children. Stay tuned…

 Subscribe in a reader

The Restraining Order Conclusion

After filing the petition for a restraining order on September 2nd, 2004, a hearing was scheduled for the following week on September 8th. PEW was appropriately served her notice and showed up with her legal representation. After lengthy discussion with my attorney, he was confident that I could handle this on my own and effectively told me to stick to the facts as I had presented them in the petition and do not deviate. Explain the story, provide your evidence (police reports and calls) and it should be granted.

Now, many attorneys do their “pro bono” work as may be required by their firms during restraining order issues. I was approached by one and decided to go ahead and take it. With a few hours to go until it was our turn, I filled him in on all of the details and he agreed that it was quite likely that I would get the restraining order.

I requested the following:

• Restrain Defendant from abusing, threatening, harassing, or stalking Plaintiff and/or minor children in any place where Plaintiff may be found.
• Evict/exclude Defendant from Plaintiff’s residence and prohibit Defendant from attempting to enter any temporary or permanent residence of Plaintiff.
• Award Plaintiff temporary custody of the minor children and place the following restrictions on contact between the Defendant and the children: “Any agreed-upon visitation requires an exchange no closer than the driveway of the marital residence with no entry into the home.”
• Prohibit Defendant from having any contact with Plaintiff and/or minor children either in person, by telephone, or in writing, personally or through third persons, including but not limited to any contact at school, business, or place of employment, except as the court may find necessary with respect to partial custody and/or visitation with the minor children.
• Prohibit Defendant from having any contact with the Plaintiff’s relatives and Plaintiff’s children listed in this petition, except as the court may find necessary with respect to partial custody and/or visitation with the minor children.
• Order Defendant to temporarily turn over weapons to the sheriff of this county and prohibit Defendant from transferring, acquiring, or possessing any such weapons for the duration of the order.
• Order Defendant to pay temporary support for Plaintiff and/or minor children, including medical support and payment of the rent or mortgage on the residence.
• Direct Defendant to pay Plaintiff for the reasonable financial losses suffered as a result of the abuse, to be determined at hearing.
• Order Defendant to pay the costs of this action, including filing and service fees.
• Order Defendant to pay Plaintiff’s reasonable attorney’s fees.
• Grant such relief as the court deems appropriate.
• Order the police or other law enforcement agency to serve Defendant with a copy of this petition, any order issued and the order for hearing. The petitioner will inform the designated authority of any addresses, other than the Defendant’s residence, where Defendant can be served.

So, my pro bono attorney meets with the other side to try to get the lay of the land and see what he can make happen. When he returns after a lengthy discussion, he informs me that the other side is willing to accept the petition with one exception – that the children be excluded from the restraint.

When I explain to him that the greater portion of my fear is that the children could ultimately be harmed by her increasingly escalating behaviors, the attorney explains that I have a solid case on the firearms issue. She will be found guilty and the court would very likely impose all of that which I have asked for, except the temporary custody of the children. I allow myself to be talked into it. We avoid the hearing by allowing everything relevant to my own protection to proceed, most importantly, her immediate turning-over of the firearms to the Sheriff’s department. And again, I get another lesson in the mother-favoritism in family court.

Another hindsight lesson for anyone in a similar spot is here. While I will always suggest that you default to listening to the attorney’s advice, I will now suggest that you follow your gut… follow your instincts… do a risk/reward analysis. I believe I made a mistake in listening to this attorney’s advice as I had nothing to lose by going to a hearing. In that situation, where there is truly no downside to proceeding – PROCEED and see if you can get all of the relief you’ve asked for. I wasn’t going to jail. I wasn’t going to be sanctioned. I had the complete upper-hand. And I gave away a potentially strong opportunity to gain primary, if not sole, custody of the children because of PEW’s criminal behavior. I let the “expert” talk me into this because of the mantra “always listen to your attorney.” Well, folks… I’m hear to tell you that attorneys can be wrong. Attorneys make mistakes. Attorneys can give bad advice. Assess each situation on its own merits and if your instincts are telling you to follow through with the hearing and there is literally no downside to trying to push through and get what you asked for – JUST DO IT!

I thought that between winning the hearing over the schooling issue followed so closely by these events and subsequent restraining order being accepted by her without a fight/defense, I had a couple of major tools needed to protect myself and gain primary custody of the children. I would be able to protect them from her madness. My confidence level was quite high.

Still, following the advice of the pro bono attorney and not following through on the hearing, even though I still get the PFA, was probably another of several big blunders on my part. My high confidence level would soon be shattered as we go through the custody evaluation and panic begins to take hold.

The restraining order was entered for a duration of 18-months. I received exclusive possession of the marital home (though she wasn’t required to make any contributions to the mortgage or upkeep, which pretty much was the same as when we were married). She was required to turn over the stolen firearms to the Sheriff’s office.

In an early example of PEW’s penchant for willful disregard of court orders, I received a call from her 2-weeks after this hearing. She explained to me that her neighbors told her that a couple of Sheriff’s officers were looking for her at her place earlier in the day and if I had anything to do with it. I told her that I did not.

It turns out, she hadn’t turned over the firearms to the Sheriff’s department and a bench warrant was issued for her arrest. In keeping with her ability to get out of certain trouble – she turned over the firearms shortly thereafter. Still, she had to go before the court and explain the delay in compliance. I wasn’t there for it, but I’m sure she turned on the crying faucet, made some lame excuse, and was not sanctioned for her willful disobedience of the court’s orders. She is contempt of court, she is already in violation of the PFA by continuing to hold the firearms – and NOTHING is done. No sanctions. No arrest. No penalty whatsoever. 4-years later, I’m no longer surprised when these things happen to me or anyone else.

 Subscribe in a reader

Court Hearing: Where the Children Would Go To School

Today I provide the details of the petition, the hearing, and the results of said hearing which precipitated The PEW breaking into the marital household and my subsequent filing of the petition for the filing of the restraining order.

On August 12th, 2004, PEW filed an emergency petition for the court to make the decision regarding where our children would attend school. Though we originally had an agreement, not unlike nearly every other agreement we’ve had, she decided to change her mind to feed her unquenchable thirst for chaos and combat via litigation.

She filed a petition which “further ordered and decreed that pending a hearing, LM is enjoined from removing the minor children from St. Local Catholic School.” As I start to detail the content of this petition and many others, you will notice a pattern of embellishment and flat-out lying that never seems to meet with her being punished for her unsworn falsifications to the court. This, despite the clear and convincing evidence of her having done so. Toss in a good measure of projection and you have the makings of a scary situation that would repeat itself dozens of times over the last few years.

The Petition:

You, LM, Respondent, have been sued in court to enjoin you from the removal of the minor child S1 from St. Local Catholic School and for attorneys fees for the necessity of same.

You are ordered to appear in court… [blah, blah, blah… details dates and times and courtroom.]

EMERGENCY PETITION FOR SPECIAL RELIEF

1 – Petitioner, PEW, natural mother… [inconsequential details].

2 – Respondent, LM, natural father… [inconsequential details].

3 – Petitioner and the parties’ children moved out of the marital residence located in County on May 5, 2004 due to Respondent’s continuing harassing behavior towards Petitioner.

Comment: Here is your first complete lie. PEW set the wheels of divorce in motion in January of 2004. She voluntarily remained at the marital residence until May 5th, 2004 of her own accord and I was agreeable to that in order that she would find a suitable place of residence for herself and the children when they were with her. I had several emails which spoke to how “nicely” I treated her during that period and how “if only” I had treated her that way throughout the marriage, we wouldn’t be divorcing. This is evidence she had failed to remember existed. I never harassed her and it defies logic that she would attempt to impress upon the court that her fears and this fictional harassment “forced her” to stay for nearly 5 months. The fact is, we barely spoke to one another during that period except as a courtesy and only if it was something pertaining to the children.

4 – There are two children… [inconsequential details].

5 – Petitioner filed for Custody and Support on June 1st, 2004. Respondent filed his own petition for custody on June 9, 2004. A conference was held on July 13, 2004 and the Conference Officer made no recommendation pending the results of the counseling process.

6 – The parties’ minor child, S1, attended St. Local Catholic School last year and is currently enrolled in St. Local’s for this upcoming year. The parties’ minor child, S2, is currently enrolled to attend pre-school at St. Local’s for the upcoming year.

Comment: S1 was enrolled in pre-K, and I quote, because PEW “needed a break” from caring for the children and to keep them from “being up her ass 24/7.”

7 – Respondent is now threatening to remove S1 from St. Local and enroll him in public school against Petitioner’s and child’s wishes.

Comment: I didn’t threaten any such thing. The reason for the short duration of the hearing was this all important fact – PEW had actually been the one to register S1 for our award-winning elementary school per our agreement during the 1st-week of February 2004! This was after she had initiated the divorce process! This was the lynch-pin of my defense and I believe the one which made the judge rule in my favor almost instantaneously after testimony was complete. Further, she often speaks on behalf of the children regardless of what they actually do or say. Fact is, S1 was excited to be attending the elementary school in question. It was within walking distance of the marital household. All of his neighborhood friends were going there. That’s not to say that he didn’t enjoy his time at St. Local. However, he was excited to be attending kindergarten at the “big boy school” that was 2 blocks from our home with all of his friends.

8 – The best interests of the children are served by maintaining the continuing loving, stable environment and therefore necessitates the emergency relief sought hereby, as school begins on 9/8/2004.

9 – Respondent’s threat to remove S1 from St. Local and enroll him in public school is solely for the purposes of posturing for his position in the parties’ upcoming custody hearing.

Comment: Projection, plain and simple. The reality was that the rather significant expense of the Catholic school was being used by PEW to force me to sell the house. It was an expense that neither of us could afford and I was already paying significant school taxes for the children to attend the public elementary school. She petitioned often knowing that anything awarded in her favor would be primarily my expense due to our disparity in incomes and I was already struggling to keep up the house payments with child support, temporary alimony, and day-to-day living expenses. She was simply trying to burden me with more expenses which would force the sale of the home.

10 – Respondent has threatened Petitioner that he will “drag out” the divorce proceedings and will continue to maintain sole possession of the marital assets because he believes it will advantage him in the custody proceedings if he remains at the marital residence while Petitioner has been reduced to residing in an apartment.

Comment: I threatened no such thing. I wanted this ended quickly and as painlessly as possible. The only person that “reduced” PEW to living anywhere was PEW. She initiated the divorce without grounds (not that she needs any in our state). She moved out of her own accord and into a rather nice apartment that she took months to discover and obtain. Remember now, our original “agreement” before I was ambushed by her filing for custody of the children was a shared arrangement that was dictated by our respective work schedules.

11 – Respondent maintains sole possession of the marital residence because he is the only party with the financial ability to maintain the mortgage, however, he refuses to negotiate with the Petitioner regarding the distribution of marital assets so that she can obtain her own residence.

Comment: The earliest indicator that she was “entitled” to her own single-family home and that I was responsible for providing the finances necessary for her to accomplish that. Further, as the readers may already know – I negotiated my ASS OFF with this psycho. The only one failing to negotiate in good-faith was the PEW and I had an enormous amount of evidence already to show same.

12 – This latest threat to remove S1 from St. Local’s is simply another example of Respondent’s harassment of Petitioner since it is clearly not in the best interests of the child.

Comment: Again, I threatened nothing. The children were enrolled because we agreed to it and The PEW herself did the registration, the orientation, and the back-to-school stuff necessary. It was only after June or July, when she discovered she wasn’t going to easily get her way that the schooling became an issue. All I did was follow-through on the initial registration by contacting the school, getting to know the principal and the teacher, and making the arrangements for after-school care if necessary. Turns out, it wasn’t. Not only wasn’t PEW working during the school week (a fact I’m guessing she didn’t think would matter to the court), S1 qualified for full-day kindergarten, something I worked solely with the school to obtain for him. Apparently, it was in S1’s best interests to the both of us until PEW decided for no particular reason except to litigate – that it wasn’t.

13 – S1 enjoys and flourishes at St. Local’s. He is familiar with all the teachers and has many friends. Further, after school care is available at St. Local’s. If S1 was forced to go to public school, he would then have to be bussed to a separate after-school care facility.

Comment: Lie. Aftercare wasn’t needed. Even if it was, it was local and associated with the school.

14 – Petitioner believes, therefore avers, that it would be to S1’s detriment to be uprooted from a school he knows and enjoys and to be separated from his brother. Further, the minor children are having emotional issues with the separation of the parties. To cause more transition and instability would be detrimental to both children.

Comment: Says the person who is responsible for more transitions, upsets, moves, and school changes than anyone else in this entire saga. 3 moves to residences (a 4th apparently forthcoming depending upon how her foreclosure notice is processed), 3 schools. It’s interesting that my efforts are to settle things down for the children and ensure some level of stability in their lives and yet, she pontificates about “transition and instability.” The insanity of it all is boundless.

15 – The Petitioner believes and therefore avers that she would prevail on the merits of the hearing to enjoin respondent from removing the children from St. Local’s.

Comment: Of course she does. Of course, the little matter of her explaining why she enrolled them in the public school to begin with would loom large at the hearing.

16 – To permit the minor children to be removed from their present school activities and counseling environment at this time would be damaging to the children’s education and welfare and not in their best interests.

Comment: Drama much?

The bulk of my testimony centered around the following facts:

– The lynch-pin: SHE REGISTERED S1 FOR THE ELEMENTARY SCHOOL!!!

– That we had agreed to send the children to public school – our award-winning elementary school, and we did so after the divorce proceedings were initiated by PEW.

– I had spoken with many parents with students at the Catholic school and checked their facts. They had significantly declining enrollment. They were boosting tuition as a result. There was talk of the school CLOSING. These are things that the PEW had apparently no knowledge about.

– The climate surrounding the Catholic church at the time regarding the sexual abuse of children was something I mentioned. Was I concerned or had any proof that there was anyone at the church who couldn’t be trusted? Certainly not, but it had more to do with the negative perception of the church and all of the controversy surrounding that topic. It was probably partly responsible for the declining enrollment.

– Finally, we were “non-practicing” Catholics and I couldn’t remember the last time we had attended church that wasn’t for a wedding or major Catholic event (Christmas, New Year’s, Easter, Thanksgiving). So, I questioned the veracity of her extolling the virtues of the Catholic Church and the education that they provide when she couldn’t herself remember when the last time it was that she had attended church on a regular basis (let alone the last time she was there for any reason in recent memory).

My attorney (#1) buried her story on the stand. Her position and justifications were indefensible and it was clear. I was absolutely perfect on the stand under the questioning by her attorney.

THE RULING: After testimony was completed, the judge immediately gave his ruling. S1 would go to the public elementary school. S2 could attend Catholic school’s pre-K for the upcoming year but would also attend public school when kindergarten started. Further, I was under no obligation to pay for any attendance at the Catholic school because mom was “stay-at-home” during the week and it was a “luxury” expense.

The lies and embellishments would be a consistent pattern for her and despite my protestations, she was never punished or otherwise sanctioned for filing false petitions. It was a waste of my time and money, the court’s time and money, and even her time and money. However, as long as attorneys, judges, and court staff need paying – they will continue to entertain such frivolous lawsuits.

 Subscribe in a reader

The Restraining Order Petition

It’s really hard to describe the feelings that overcome one in the midst of a situation like this break-in. I call it a “break-in” because that’s exactly what it was. I had the locks changed since her move-out and made the mistake of leaving downstairs windows “cracked” when I left for work. So, she ripped-out the screen, opened the window and let herself and the children into the house.

Yes – the children.

This was the first shocker for me and I remained extraordinarily calm given the situation. I couldn’t believe she had done this in front of the children, then ages 5 and 3. I had great neighbors on a wonderful block and the most heartbreaking part of this whole ordeal was the big, bright smiles on the faces of both boys and the excitement in their voices when, during that evening when they were out front playing, they were telling our next-door neighbors, excitedly, “Yeah! Mom and Dad are getting back together and we’re so excited! This is really great!” To keep a solid face I had to work very hard to choke back tears and sadness and do the parental side-stepping that was something akin to telling them, “…oh, we’ll see, there are a lot of things that need to be discussed” …and avoid ripping their hearts out of their chest again. The PEW would take care of that the next day. I still get butterflies and sadness when I think about those couple of days when I remember how the kids were.

The details of the events are best described in my petition for protection from abuse for the dates in question (9/1 & 9/2, 2004):

My wife and I had a hearing on the morning of 9/1/2004. The judge ruled in my favor, which my PEW rather upset.

Upon returning home, I changed my clothes and went to a meeting at work. At approximately 1:45PM, my phone activated and caller ID indicated that the call was coming from my home. I removed myself from the meeting and answered the phone.

The PEW identified herself to me and said, “I just wanted to let you know that I’ve broken into the house and I already check with the police. There isn’t a fucking thing you can do about it, either. I’m moving back in and I am going to make your life a living hell until you have no choice but to sell this house!”

I tried to convince The PEW to leave the home with the children. I told her that I understand that she was entitled to be there, but it didn’t have to happen today. She refused to leave and we ended the conversation.

At that time I called police radio and asked [town’s] police to send a patrol car to the home to see what was going on.

Soon thereafter, I arrived home to discover that no police had been dispatched. As PEW had stolen my firearms that I won from the home approximately 6-months ago and their return was again discussed in the morning, I asked if she had them with her and if I could have them back, at which time she replied menacingly, “Your guns? Yeah, you’ll get them back all right – you better be careful what you ask for!”

I understood that to be a threat. I again called the police and urged them to send someone over right away as I was on the premises, as was my wife and my children and that things were escalating. I believe I said that I “strongly advised” them to come to the home.

Within minutes the police arrived and spoke to us separately. They advised me that PEW was adamant about staying and that neither they nor I could force her to leave.

Later in that evening, around 10:00 PM, PEW and I had a relatively civil discussion about what transpired and of our general circumstances. PEW expressed her frustration with the situation, her living arrangements, her mounting legal bills. Of particularly serious concern to me, PEW stated specifically that she is having trouble dealing with all of this and she, “felt like ending it all” which I took as a clear reference to suicide. Furthermore, during our portion of the discussion regarding our custody issues, she said to me, “If I lose my children, I don’t know what I’d do, probably kill myself.”

This erratic behavior has me concerned for my children’s welfare, my own welfare, and even her welfare.

On Thursday, 9/2/2004, I had to run some errands in the morning. One of my stops included the police station, where I filed a report with Officer So-And-So. I informed him of my discussion and PEW’s suicide references. I further expressed to him my fear that PEW may try to hurt herself and then try to accuse me of doing it or attempt to provoke a physical confrontation. After he took my report, I headed home.

I arrived home at approximately 11:00 AM. once there, I sat down with PEW to discuss the drop-off and pick-up of S1 for school. I made a call to the after-care program to adjust my registration from full-week to drop-in.

PEW informed me that she was taking the boys to her apartment to pick-up their hermit-crabs and some other things. She returned approximately 90-minutes later without anything from the apartment. It was approximately 2:00 PM. I awakened from a nap and informed PEW of my intentions to go into work.

PEW asked me to wait, let the boys out into the yard, and she went into the bathroom. Upon exiting the bathroom, she informed me that she was moving back out. I was shocked because the boys were already very confused by the previous days’ events. They were telling our neighbors that, “…mommy and daddy were getting back together.” Now, she was telling them that they were not moving back in.

I expressed extreme displeasure at this revelation and thought this behavior could have extreme negative effects on the children. It was then that PEW charged at me and started yelling at me and she raised her hands as if she was going to strike me. Given my suspicions that she would try to engage me in a physical confrontation, I backed away from her, telling her, “Be careful! This could cost you your kids!”

She continued to yell at me, approaching me again with a raised hand. I moved towards the steps that lead to the front door. I demanded the house key and PEW refused. I told her I was going to take the van keys. I didn’t threaten PEW at any time. However, she called the police.

By this time, I had exited the marital residence and went to my vehicle which was parked across the street. The boys were in the house now, upstairs and looking out the open front window at me. PEW came storming out front and went berzerk in the driveway. In an effort to get the attention of the neighbors, PEW began shouting at the top of her lungs, all within view and hearing of the children, “DO YOU PEOPLE KNOW WHAT KIND OF NEIGHBOR YOU HAVE?!?! HE’S AN ABUSER, A FUCKING-ASSHOLE (repeatedly), A HOMOSEXUAL, AND REAL MAN WOULD HAVE LEFT THE HOUSE AND ALLOWED THE WOMAN TO STAY!!!” The language was filthy, vile, full of expletives – and S1 was clearly unnerved by what he was witnessing. When she had completed her tirade, she threw the house key in the grass. The police then arrived, including Officer So-And-So with whom I filed the report earlier in the day. Soon after a talking to by the police, PEW left with the boys.

In my estimation, this erratic behavior pattern is becoming increasingly more aggressive and is demonstrating that PEW has little regard for the welfare of the children. I am concerned for the safety of the children, my own safety, and even PEW’s safety from herself.

It is also important to note that after telling me the prior evening that she fired her attorney – during the confrontation on 9/2/2004, PEW told me that she did not fire her attorney and that the attorney had advised PEW to re-enter the home, causing all of this upset and strife for the children and me, but for what end I don’t know. I find PEW’s behavior threatening and detrimental to the children most especially.

The entire situation was surreal, there is no other way to explain it. At least I had the sense enough to file a report with the police and accurately predicted what her intentions were.

Worthy of note:

– Despite explaining to the police that she made a gun threat, they didn’t arrest her, because she apparently didn’t have the guns on her actual person. I’m absolutely certain that if the roles were reversed, I would have been arrested.

– Despite explaining that she had attempted to attack me and even despite the police witnessing some of her screaming and foul mouth, she was not arrested. I’m absolutely certain that if the roles were reversed, I would have been arrested.

Frankly, I think I was lucky that I wasn’t arrested.

At least I took the necessary steps, short of moving out, to maximizing self-protection and it appeared to have worked.

To this day, I’m astounded that his major incident was never considered by any custody evaluator as relevant to determining her stability or her ability to parent the children effectively… but this would be one of many harsh lessons I would learn over the course of the coming months and years.

Separately, learn about the abuse of restraining orders: Without Restraint – The Use and Abuse of Restraining Orders. You can also do a simple google search for “restraining order abuse” and find alarming information.

I count myself lucky that I was actually able to get one, for what little good it did me, given the circumstances. What is quite ironic was that reality is, women use them overwhelmingly as a weapon in a divorce and custody situation. Custody Evaluator 1 will dismiss my offering of same as “lawyer posturing to get an upper-hand in the custody situation” despite PEW’s acceptance of guilt to avoid a hearing. Have I mentioned that if the roles were reversed what my expectations would be?

 Subscribe in a reader

The Psycho Ex-Wife Breaks Into the Marital Home

On September 2, 2004 and the following days – a series of major events took place. These events gave me a tremendously high and false sense of positivity that would never come to fruition. Worse than that, the lack of consideration that these events, and many others, would garner would accelerate my education in the divorce and family court system. It was still the same-old, same-old. It actually may even be worse than it was 20- or 30-years ago for men and fathers in this country. It’s exacerbated by the proliferation or better understanding of personality disorders and how they drive family court litigation. I’m certain that this is the perfect storm that is my situation.

This is going to take a while to explain, so I offer you what I called then the “Cliff’s Notes” version (or not) that I sent a friend who was concerned about not hearing from me for a few days. This is effectively as-written back in September 2004. More details will be forthcoming…

Cliff’s notes version: (Note: she stole my guns 6 months ago and hasn’t returned them – cops: “There is nothing we can do.”)

– The first of several court cases went down on Wednesday morning. We were at an impasse over where the kids were going to school. She sued me to have them go to Catholic School. The judge ruled in my favor. She was none too happy.

– Hours later, I’m in an important meeting regarding a new start-up we’re doing in [another country]. My cellphone buzzes and I look at the display… it’s a phone call… from my HOUSE. I remove myself to a private conference room and answer. It’s my wife. She announces she broke into the house and that she is moving back in. Claims to have fired her attorney, broke her apartment lease and that’s that. Unable to talk her out of leaving: Discussion, cops, discussion… nothing the cops nor I can do to get her out since she’s on the deed (no settlement yet). I’m stuck.

So, I resign myself to the fact that, for at least the short term, we’ll have to go back to living together and try to do it amicably. I start the wheels in motion to take action against her. The sorriest thing is that my kids think that we’re “getting back together.”

– Thursday… after making arrangements with my attorney. I go to the police station and describe a conversation that my wife and I had the night before where twice she made references to “wanting to end it all” and “if I lose these kids, I dunno what I’ll do, probably kill myself.” I tell them that I fear for her, my boys, and myself and that I suspect that she COULD even injure herself and try to make it look like I assaulted her. They take the report, I go home.

– We discuss the logistics of S1 getting off to school next week. I make some calls to adjust planned arrangements for after-school care… which should no longer be necessary. She runs errands with the boys telling me that she is going back to her apartment to get the hermit crabs for the boys and some other things. I take a nap, as you can imagine, it’s been a long night.

– Upon her return, I tell her that I am going into the office and she tells me to wait… she wants to talk about something. She sends the kids in the yard… and she announces she is moving back OUT. I get really upset. I tell her that this charade is going to wreck these boys. She feigns an attack at me, in my estimation, to try to get me to put my hands on her… I retreat to my car across the street and she comes out in the driveway and at the top of her lungs (in an effort to try to get the attention of neighbors) goes into this disgraceful, expletive-laced tirade screaming to them, “DO YOU KNOW WHAT KIND OF NEIGHBOR YOU HAVE?!?!? >>>” and she’s off to the races. In the meantime, the children are in the front window witnessing all of this. I just lean against my car waiting for the cops again… (there is still nothing that they can do). During our exchange… she informed me that she didn’t break her lease and she did all of this on the advice of her attorney.

She ultimately leaves with my kids again and right now… all is quiet on the home front. I get the boys back tonight thru Tuesday morning. I got a lot of undoing of damage to try to do. I missed pretty important days at work, but by the grace of God, my boss, the CEO has been extremely understanding and flexible. I only just got back from the courthouse… I decided I can’t be “nice” anymore. I filed for a protection from abuse order this morning. If the judge accepts it, hearing Wednesday (S1’s first day of school)… and given the nature of her work, if it sticks… it will very likely cost her her job.

Against the advice of my attorney, I DIDN’T file one yesterday for fear it would “push her over the edge.” Unfortunately, after the events of yesterday afternoon… I truly am left with no choice. I can only hope that there is are some guardian angels out there watching over my boys. Part of the PFA includes the children and requests full custody of the children on a temporary basis until the custody evaluation that we’re going through plays itself out.

I think she may have scuttled any shot she had at winning that case now, too.

That’s the Cliff’s Notes version… if I filled in all the details, I think even your head would explode.

That gives you all an idea of what happened and what was going to happen relative to the break-in. DW previously posted my email to her regarding my fears and some information about the break-in.

The Restraining Order Petition

 Subscribe in a reader

Childhood Obesity Crisis – The Beginning

In the posts Childhood Obesity Crisis Looms Part I and Childhood Obesity Crisis Looms Part II, I provided details about the history and concerns regarding our diametrically opposed approaches to the children’s diets, especially the types and frequency of snacking. It obviously became much worse after our split because, there was no ability to mitigate what went on when the children were with her.

The following demonstrates a clear example of how things were going to be. It reached a point where literally every single day that the children were to be with me, they would be delivered mid-afternoon with some sort of a snack just being finished up. What precipitated this email was a 4th consecutive day of them being dropped off with rather large ice-cream cones.

PEW,

I’m not asking you this to be a pain-in-the-ass. This is important and I hope that you will have no problem with it.

Today would mark the 4th consecutive time you’ve dropped the kids off immediately following a trip to get ice cream. I am asking you to please stop that practice.

#1 – It makes it incredibly difficult for me at dinnertime when they’ve had ice-cream at 2:30PM. I don’t need that kind of problem when I’m trying so hard to get them to eat more of the right things and snack a little less.

#2 – It makes it more difficult for me to use an after-dinner snack as a reward for good behavior when they’ve had a snack like that already, and mere hours before dinner. So, not only does it make for a bad eating habit, it also undermines my work to give them an after-dinner snack when they’ve earned it.

If you feel you must give them an ice cream snack, please give it to them at lunchtime or something and not right before you drop them off to me.

Thanks.

~LM

It was August 16th, 2004. No provocative language. A straight-up plea for her to take more seriously the nature of what the kids were eating and, more importantly, when they were eating it.

Not only did she not reply. She didn’t stop the practice. This is one of those classic examples of giving the high-conflict spouse and excuse to do more of what you would genuinely like them to not do. What sucks about this particularly situation, well – it actually did with most – was that it was to the kids’ benefit. That didn’t matter as long as it was something with which I didn’t agree. That’s the shame of it all. She just kept right on doing it and if you read the other posts linked in the opening of this one – you’ll see just how bad things have gotten with S1.

 Subscribe in a reader

PG-13: Parents Strongly Cautioned!

As the madness began to escalate in the summer of 2004, I made an issue out of a movie that PEW took the children to see. The movie was Spiderman 2. I probably wouldn’t have given it a second-thought until S1, then only 5-years old, told me about how scary the movie was and also showed me the “sexy kissing” he saw in the movie. When I asked him to show me what he meant, without a partner, he did a darn good demonstration of what a french-kiss looks like. Well, if a Saint Bernard was delivering one. It wasn’t quite like the tutorial brought to you by Wiki-How on french kissing.

In any event, I hadn’t realized that the movie was rated PG-13 by the Motion Picture Association of America. While I realize that I am more than likely in the distinct minority when it comes the types of movies that parents allow their young children to see, I don’t think it’s appropriate for children aged 5 and 3 to attend a PG-13 rated movie. From the MPAA:

A PG-13 rating is a sterner warning by the Rating Board to parents to determine whether their children under age 13 should view the motion picture, as some material might not be suited for them. A PG-13 motion picture may go beyond the PG rating in theme, violence, nudity, sensuality, language, adult activities or other elements, but does not reach the restricted R category. The theme of the motion picture by itself will not result in a rating greater than PG-13, although depictions of activities related to a mature theme may result in a restricted rating for the motion picture. Any drug use will initially require at least a PG-13 rating. More than brief nudity will require at least a PG-13 rating, but such nudity in a PG-13 rated motion picture generally will not be sexually oriented. There may be depictions of violence in a PG-13 movie, but generally not both realistic and extreme or persistent violence. A motion picture’s single use of one of the harsher sexually-derived words, though only as an expletive, initially requires at least a PG-13 rating. More than one such expletive requires an R rating, as must even one of those words used in a sexual context. The Rating Board nevertheless may rate such a motion picture PG-13 if, based on a special vote by a two-thirds majority, the Raters feel that most American parents would believe that a PG-13 rating is appropriate because of the context or manner in which the words are used or because the use of those words in the motion picture is inconspicuous.

This is not children’s fodder, no matter what you see when you cruise through the movie theatres and the stuff that parents will actually take their children to see. In any event, I asked her in the aftermath of the kissing demonstration by S1 to cease and desist.

PEW,

So… S1 is telling me about a movie he and S2 saw with Mommy. And he tells me how he watched Spider Man. I’m thinking the cartoon or something, but then he tells me that he “knows how grown-ups kiss.”

I ask him to show me. And (without a partner) – he does a pretty decent job of re-enacting a french kiss.

PEW… that movie is PG-13. PG-13 movies were pretty much “R” movies back in the days before PG-13 was made to get more kids in the theatre. In any event, a PG-13 movie is “inappropriate for children under 13.” Just because they are accompanied by an adult, doesn’t mean that they are suddenly appropriate. I would greatly appreciate it if, in the future, you don’t take him and/or S2 to see a movie that is rated higher than PG. Even PG movies can have strong language.

Spiderman 2 was not an appropriate movie for the boys to go see. The level of violence and the adult situations in that movie are inappropriate for the boys. Use your head.

~LM

This early attempt at keeping things calm, cool, and collected was scuttled by my closing sentence. However, knowing PEW as we do, it really probably didn’t matter in the grand scheme of things. It wasn’t a genuine concern. It was a criticism. It was calling into question her parenting. Therefore, it was an “ATTACK!” The barrage of replies is quickly underway.

LM,

Well, I won’t be taking them to any more PG13 movies. But there was no french kissing in the movie, so maybe he saw that when you were watching your soap opera. Give me a break LM. Stop trying to find shit to bolster your custody case. You make me sick.

~PEW

Liar. That wasn’t even really the issue. It was the level of violence that had me most concerned. Hell, the movie trailers were violent enough. Of course, this wouldn’t be my only attempt to curtail inappropriate viewing entertainment as we saw with the whole WWE debacle earlier in 2008.

PEW,

a) He doesn’t watch soap operas.

b) What he did was mimic a french kiss and tell me that you tried to cover his eyes.

c) The level of violence in that movie is the bigger problem with me.

Get a clue. All I asked is that you not take them to see anymore PG13 movies. Thank you for acknowledging that and agreeing not to take them to anymore of those movies.

Have a great weekend.

~LM

LM,

Please leave me alone. I am seriously trying to do my best. I have a tough job, rough hours, I take care of our kids FULL TIME. I was trying to be amicable with you but I am seriously doubting that you know the meaning of the word. Unless it is urgent and regarding safety, please address your concerns to [my attorney]. That is what I am paying her for.

I also took the kids to the [boat museum]. Should I have cleared that through you? How bout the hair cuts? I also bought S1 a new pair of sneakers. I took them [on vacation] this summer. To see Shrek II. We went to the Zoo. [We went to parks], swimming…..the list goes on and on. What have you done? Oh yeah, you’ve been on lock down at MY HOUSE all summer watching television. Living in my house, where I should be with MY kids.

You are a loser. LOSER. LOSER LOSER!

You’re welcome……asshole. now hurry up and print this out so you can take it to court with you. Along with the past 5 years worth of “alleged” emails you have. Some husband you are.

~PEW

Pooooooooooooor PEW.

– Tough job, rough hours. That’s the schedule she chose in order to put herself into position to leverage her alleged story that she was home full-time during the week to “care” for her kids. CHECK!

– The FULL TIME card is pulled. CHECK! (Nevermind pre-K, daycare, etc.)

– The “I’m trying to be amicable” delusion. CHECK!

– “MY” house. That house she rarely contributed financially to, unless you count amassing debt. The house she walked out of voluntarily. CHECK!

– “MY” kids. The kid-owner language of a vindictive ex. CHECK!

– Insulting, name-calling amicable language. CHECK!

Touch’em all, girl – you hit the Grand Slam!

And so ended the month of July in 2004. Who needs fireworks in July when you have a high-conflict soon-to-be ex-wife?

 Subscribe in a reader

Timeline 2004 – Part 2

The 2nd-half timeline from 2004 continues from Timeline 2004 – Part 1.

In August of 2006, I had submitted to my attorney #2 a “timeline of events since the divorce process began” to try to get her up to speed. I also tried to coordinate this timeline to refute PEW’s oft-repeated contention that I didn’t care about the kids, just the money… an assertion that was clearly projection and could be supported specifically or through “circumstantial evidence” of her conduct (and the timing thereof).

The following timeline demonstrates the chain of major events and summarizes the motivation behind each. You will notice that PEW is consumed by continued negative engagement of me as she was throughout the course of our marriage. You will notice that the benefit of the children is secondary to the benefit of PEW and her desire to continue abuse and harass me as well as do things solely for her own financial benefit and my financial detriment.

• July 15th, 2004 – She contends that I want to be the primary custodian to avoid having to pay support. This, despite voluntarily giving her money until the details of the support order are worked out. Despite the fact that I wanted to do whatever was possible to maintain joint custody and keep things as normal as possible for the children. My position changed due to her increasingly aggressive behavior and the surprise notification that she had filed for custody of the children. Over the course of the next year – she often complains about money.

• July 23rd, 2004 she brings up the issue of sending S1 to Catholic School. I don’t agree with such a change, particularly since she and I agreed back in February and PEW registered him… that it was a good idea. Shortly thereafter, she filed for an emergency hearing on the issue. PEW initiates litigation.

• July 26th, 2004, I complain again (this time via email) about PEW dropping the boys off at 7AM, in their pajamas and unfed. She needs to do this to get to work on time but cannot afford to lose the “overnights” for fear of losing the child support. She responds unkindly. The issue was, she didn’t keep them overnight. She took the children, went out to a party, and left the children at her parents’ house. This is the extent that PEW will go to in order to minimize my time with the children and ensure she gets credit for overnights.

• July 26th, 2004 her first mention of switching to full-time day shift and mockingly mentions how much extra I will have to pay in support to her.

• July 31st, 2004 – I express to PEW that I was bothered by the fact that she took the children to see a PG-13 rated movie. Keep in mind that S1 was 5 and S2 was 3. The movie was Spiderman 2 and the level of violence and other adult situations were not suitable for young children.

• August 16th, 2004 – I send her an email about giving the kids ice cream before dropping the children off to me in the afternoons. It was becoming a daily event and it was undermining my ability to teach the children to eat right or even get them to eat a meaningful dinner. In a phone call response, she reacts harshly calling me names, as usual and telling me that she can do whatever she wants to make the kids happy.

• August 17th, 2004 – We have a short hearing regarding custody and are ordered to go through a custody evaluation. It’s at this time that PEW changes her mind regarding going to a full-time day shift, which is important to note as she uses her “availability during the full week to be with the children” as leverage during the custody evaluation.

• September 1st, 2004 – Court hearing before Judge K— regarding where the children will attend school. Judge K— ruled in my favor after hearing the details of the circumstances and S1 attended [Something] Elementary school as planned. S2 was “permitted” to go to pre-school at St. [Catholic School] if we agreed with that. We did. I return to work that morning. PEW left the courtroom extremely angry.

• September 1st, 2004 – While at work, hours later, I’m in an important meeting regarding a new start-up we’re doing in [another country]. My cellphone rings and I look at the display… it’s a phone call… from the marital residence. I remove myself to a private conference room and answer. It’s PEW. She announces she broke into the house and that she is moving back in. She claims to have fired her attorney, broke her apartment lease and that’s that. Unable to talk her out of leaving, I call the police, explain the situation and tell them that I am heading home and wish them to be present for the discussion. Discussion, cops, discussion… the police inform me that there is nothing they nor I can do to get her out since she’s on the deed (no settlement yet). She can stay. So, I resign myself to the fact that, for at least the short term, we’ll have to go back to living together and try to do it amicably. The children were present for all of this. S1 and S2 think that we’re “getting back together” and even begin telling all of the neighbors that we’re “getting back together to be a family again.” This was a very difficult ordeal for the children to experience.

• September 2nd, 2004… I speak with my attorney, who suggests that I file a Protection From Abuse Order. I explain to him that I don’t think it’s a good idea, tell him about the suicidal overtures discussed by PEW the previous night, and tell him that I was afraid that doing so might push her to follow-through. Further, given the nature of her work, filing one could result in her losing her job which would put further pressure on her. Later, I go to the police station in [town] and describe the conversation that PEW and I had the night before where twice she made references to “wanting to end it all” and “if I lose these kids, I dunno what I’ll do, probably kill myself.” I tell them that I fear for her, my boys, and myself and that I suspect that she COULD even injure herself and try to make it look like I assaulted her. They take the report, I go home. We discuss the logistics of S1 getting off to school next week. I make some calls to adjust planned arrangements for after-school care which should no longer be necessary. She runs errands with the boys telling me that she is going back to her apartment to get the hermit crabs for the boys and some other things. Upon her return, I tell her that I am going into the office and she tells me to wait… she wants to talk about something. She sends the kids in the yard… and she announces she is moving back out. I get upset. I tell her that this charade is going to wreck these boys. She feigns an attack at me, in my estimation, to try to get me to put my hands on her… I retreat to my car across the street and she comes out in the driveway and at the top of her lungs (in an effort to try to get the attention of neighbors) goes into this disgraceful, expletive-laced tirade screaming to them “DO YOU KNOW WHAT KIND OF NEIGHBOR YOU HAVE?!?!?” and she is unrelenting. In the meantime, the children are in the front window witnessing all of this. I just lean against my car waiting for the police again… (there is still nothing that they can do). While waiting, I asked her if she had brought the firearms that she stole from me (today was one of the many promised dates of the return of them). She then made the threat about the guns. During our exchange she informed me that she didn’t break her lease and she did all of this on the advice of her attorney. The police arrive and they tell me that there is still nothing they can do, not even about the firearms because they are “marital property” as far as they are concerned.

• September 3rd, 2004 – Due to her behavior and attempt to start a physical confrontation, I feel I am left with no choice but to file the PFA that [my attorney] suggested the previous day. I follow-though on that. (Later, PEW would tell me that her actions were suggested by her attorney.)

• September 8th, 2004 – Hearing on the PFA. Prior to going to trial, PEW’s attorney makes an offer to settle the matter and agrees to turn the firearms over to the Sheriff’s Department immediately. I get exclusive possession of the home, very specific exchange details, not stalking, abusing, harassing… and the well-being associated with the fact that, given her suicidal discussion, she will no longer be in possession of the firearms. Sometime over the course of the next two weeks, PEW informs me that Sheriff’s Deputies have been at her apartment looking for her and she asks me if I know what it is about. I discover that she hasn’t turned the firearms over to the Sheriff’s Department and that a bench warrant was issued. My understanding is that she had to go to court and explain why she hadn’t complied with the order to turn over the guns. Apparently, no sanctions were levied and the firearms were eventually turned over to the police.

• Between September and October of 2004, we attend multiple custody sessions with [Custody Evaluator 1]. She doesn’t want to review the evidence I have brought regarding PEW’s abusive behavior and inability to parent the children effectively. She doesn’t even consider nor does she want to talk about the circumstances surrounding the break-in at the marital residence with the children and the subsequent PFA, dismissing it as “lawyer posturing in a custody case.” PEW accuses me (without any evidence whatsoever) of being physically abusive, a drug abuser, an alcoholic, a philanderer, among many other things. In November of 2004, her recommendation comes in an it effectively relegates me to 6 days per month (during the school year), the children to go to school in PEW’s school district (despite Judge K—’s previous ruling). Part of her decision hinges on the understanding that PEW’s work schedule affords her full weekdays with the boys and the belief that my only reason for wanting custody is because PEW wouldn’t agree to settle on the house.

• November 2004 – On the advice of my attorney – I begin to negotiate with PEW for a more even custody arrangement. He tells me that the court relies “heavily” on the recommendation of the evaluator and that there was no possibility that we would be able to overcome her recommendation. Effectively, if we went to court, I would more than likely get what [Custody Evaluator 1] recommended. So, I followed his advice. Given the fact that this ruling effectively eliminated any chance of keeping the marital residence for the children’s sake and the sake of the best logistics for PEW and I to manage coparenting, we agreed (initially) on a 50/50 arrangement and to put the marital residence up for sale agreeing to split assets 50/50. This occurred on or about November 29, 2004. At some point during this time, PEW pays, on her own, to have the house reappraised. The appraisal comes back some $18,000 higher than when it was appraised in the Spring. She makes new demands based upon the new appraisal (more money) and it’s a figure I cannot accommodate.

• November 30th, 2004 – PEW begins to renege on the agreement we worked out between one another on assets. She decides that she wants the van and additional cash of $5000.

• December 2nd, 2004 – PEW begins to renege on the agreement we worked out for custody and asks for “more time” to reconsider before I have my attorney draw up the paperwork. She complains about her legal fees and how she feels she deserves more money. PEW threatens to initiate litigation. She regularly uses [Custody Evaluator 1’s] custody recommendation as leverage to alter agreements between us. Whenever she didn’t get her way, she used filing for custody and using [CE1’s] recommendation as a threat. This would continue over the course of the next month or so. At the end of this email exchange, she again agrees to the terms we had previously discussed on both matters.

• December 10th, 2004 – PEW informs me that [my attorney] will be getting back the agreement with some “minor” changes. One issue – instead of alimony ending immediately, she demands that it end when the divorce decree is entered so that she can continue to collect more money.

• December 16th, 2004 – I find out that the “minor” changes included reducing my time with the children from 50/50 to where I had them only 11 days per month (maximum). Additionally, she wanted me to pay alimony until the divorce decree was obtained (money). Further, there were addendums for me to pay for car repairs, essentially warrant the car she chose to keep with $5,000 cash for 90-days. I protested but was met with threats of litigation and use of [CE1’s] recommendation, so I complied believing that 11-days was better than 6-days per month. She also said that it was not about money, it was about logistics and that she had no intention of filing for a support modification if that was my concern. (Shortly after the agreement was entered, she would do JUST that.)

• December 28th, 2004 – She sends me an email complaining about the Mercury in the snow and blaming me for her decision to take the car and the cash.

• December 30th, 2004 – More car complaints. First threat to take initiate a modification of support in the aftermath of our agreement because she deserves more money.

After starting out the first year of this mess with a “win” on the school issue (my attorney was excellent during that hearing), I was hopeful. However, my hopes were crushed as every step of the way I started to realize that not much had changed since my parent’s divorce. I truly felt I had lost before I ever got started. The horrible experience with the custody evaluator only emboldened PEW to make ever increasing demands. As a result, my fears over total financial devastation and loss of the children increased dramatically and I was left scrambling trying to make the best of what was now a very bad situation – only getting worse. All the while, PEW was flexing her new found leverage with the Custody Evaluator’s Report to continue to beat me into submission.

 Subscribe in a reader

"Time will tell which one of us winds up alone and broke and which one of us finds a happy, healthy, relationship"

Yes, it’s a brutally long title, but it is a quote from July 27th, 2004 from the PEW. I would say in light of the circumstances that have transpired and continue to transpire – warranted it’s use. A little, very nasty part of me is going to want to forward this back to her some day. Of course, that might make me as nasty a little bitch as she was for sending that to me, mightn’t it?

LM,

I could certainly say the same about you. If you had worked on the marriage and not sceamed in my face AGAIN. After the 100th time I said if you did it again, I’m leaving you. We’d still be together and the kids wouldn’t have to shuffle back and forth….would they? So, if you had the kids best interest at heart, you wouldn’t have screamed in my face on New Years Day AGAIN!! I know I know….you didn’t do it, right?? You’re still in denial LM. Look in the mirror.

Am I not doing the right thing by the kids by working a 2nd shift job full time. I certainly couldn’t have supported myself and them on $550.00 for 3 months huh? They don’t go to day care everyday. I’m not the one trying to send S1 to public school because that’s not the best place for him. I reiterate…..get HELP.

You just don’t want to pay ANYTHING. Everyone knows that, you’re embarrassing yourself.

~PEW

It’s July. As she almost always did, she dug through her archives and brought something up that has no relevance to the matter at hand. Again, her horrifying, abusive behavior is not subject to criticism, only instances where she wraps herself in the cloak of victimhood.

The other thing that is worth mentioning is that I had already started paying child support without an order to ensure that the kids needs were met at both homes. Further, remember that I bailed her out on moving day when she had the movers do all the work and when they asked for payment prior to unloading – she didn’t have the cash. Can you say (again) PROJECTION?

She immediately followed-up with…

LM,

And again, don’t tell S1 he’ll need his appendix out if he doesn’t eat vegetables. Also don’t get drunk around them. OK?

~PEW

Both false. And to this day, I still can’t figure out how she manages to pull such dung right out of her ass. Scary, mere accusations like this have an influence against a father in court. Expect them. Prepare to be accused of every evil, despicable thing you can imagine and then some.

Which was immediately followed-up with…

LM,

As far as your assertion that I have not lifted a finger to settle things, I laugh….ha ha. I have said from the beginning that I want to have an amicable relationship. I would like to be friends. I want to co-parent our children in the best possible way imaginable. Then you refuse the joint custody, refuse to pay support, refuse to sell the house since you can’t afford to buy me out. Now we have to go through the whole [court-ordered evaluation] thing so that you can have a judge tell you that we will be having joint custody. But hey, if you have a couple extra thousand bucks laying around, I guess that’s what we gotta do. See you in court LM. I’ll be saying…..I told you so when the judge recommends joint custody. What are you thinking? Why would anyone award you primary custody over me? It’s not going to happen, it doesn’t even make sense. For all your insult slinging about me being “mentally ill” I have just as many examples of “your illness”

~PEW

“HA HA.” Jackass. She has/had never attempted an amicable relationship. She never wanted to nor tried to “be friends.” She filed for sole custody. I paid support, just not the support she wanted when I was primary custodian (in practice) – and at a time when she should have been required to pay me support. I refused to sell the house when I could buy her out and sold it when she repeatedly had appraisals done at a time when the market was red-hot. As the appraisals increased, her demands increased until I was priced out of keeping the home. At no time has she presented a single shred of evidence of any mental diseases or defects during the court of all of the hearings and all of the conferences. Just unsupported allegations of anything she could conjure up.

At no time during the last few years did she ever agree to joint custody. It wasn’t until it was ORDERED in the Fall of 2007 did she “agree by force of court order.”

Also, readers – never forget that quote: Why would anyone award you primary custody over me?
This is a firmly entrenched belief of many high-conflict mothers involved in custody disputes. It’s a common theme in our society and in family court. They know it. They use it. Too often, they get it.

Finally, I reply:

PEW,

Award-winning elementary schools… and when you factor in the money I gave you to get into your apartment and all of the other little financial responsibilities that you left in your wake… it was quite a bit more than $550.

[The children’s] elementary school is a fantastic elementary school. This isn’t the [City] school system, PEW.

And spare me your revisionist history. What happened on New Year’s Day was that you accosted me on the way home from your parents at the mere suggestion that you father’s friend was selling a motorcycle. I didn’t scream “in your face.” I love it when you always fall back on that.

~LM

Reality was never her strong suit. Neither was math. The actual figure was somewhere NORTH of $1,200 direct, not to mention a bunch of expenses (like sticking me with a termination fee on her cellphone because “her, her sister, and her mom were getting consecutive phone numbers.” Ain’t that sooooooo cute?) No, that’s not a joke. You would think that these were pre-teen girls. Oh! That’s right. Mentally, that’s exactly what they are.

LM,

You advanced me the tax return when I moved. And what financial responsibilities are you talking about? I pay for the expenses for the van. I am paying the credit card. It was not more than $550. Please, spare me. You are a scary person. Your life hasn’t changed much over all of this, huh? Mine has. I now live in an apartment. I had to buy all new stuff. I had to start working double the hours to support myself while still caring for my own children FULL TIME, so that they don’t have to go to daycare. The list goes on. You are the most selfish, self serving person I have ever known in my life. Especially since you claimed during our marriage that they were the happiest years of your life. Did you lie? Because if that’s the case, this is what I deserve for giving you that and two beautiful children. Haven’t you taken enough from me. You took 10 years of my life and made them a living hell. Can I please have my life back?

~PEW

The victim continues to cry “poor me.” This is pure fiction. She was working 40-hours per week before she left, she was working 40-hours per week after she left. As for “caring for her children FULL TIME” – They were in school or pre-K every day the moment she could put them there. She was home most of the days WITHOUT the children present. Then, on the weekends, I had them (Fridays through Mondays) while she was working an insane night-shift Friday and double-shifts Saturday and Sunday. The amount of actual “wake time” with the children she had in any given week was approximately 16-hours. I had that on a Saturday. Full time my ass.

She was big on “caring for the kids full time.” Even after they entered elementary school, they were gone all day… in aftercare until she was done work… home, dinner, bed. Then, I had them every-other-weekend when I was relegated to NCP status… but she cared for them “FULL TIME.” Ever the martyr.

She was paying off her own credit card. She didn’t have ANY maintenance done on the van in the time she had it. Not even a single oil change in over 10,000-miles before I got it back from her. She absolutely did not “have to buy all new stuff.” We had a house full of furniture she could have taken from. The borderline’s ability to create and believe their own version of reality is uncanny.

PEW,

The few weeks over the course of 10-years where you weren’t descending into that angry, hateful, viper-mouthed person… were some of the happiest in my life. No, I didn’t lie.

I’ve taken nothing from you. You’re the one who wanted a divorce for, and I quote, “you don’t make enough money, I don’t have enough things, and you don’t treat me right.”

You’re the one who never appreciated what you actually did have, could never appreciate any gift, ever… and it was always about what you wanted, wanted to have, wanted to buy, which sisters-in-law had bigger rings than you, hocking the engagement ring… and the list goes on. There is a reason why you NEVER, ever wanted to establish a budget with me. You didn’t want the responsibility of being grown-up enough to save money to acquire the things you wanted to have. Lord knows I asked you often enough. You wanted to go into massive credit card debt because “all of your friends” had massive credit card debt. We only refinanced 7,000 times because of it, and the latter 3/4 of last year was yet another demonstration of your inability to control your spending.

Spare me that I’m the selfish one… never once did I threaten to “divorce” you if I didn’t get my way. You, on the other hand, that’s all you ever did.

You didn’t have to “buy all new stuff.” That’s an excuse to justify your compulsion to spend spend spend with no responsibility for the consequences. You just didn’t like what you had the option of taking and spent on the promise of a big payday by your attorney blathering on about how this is “clearly a 70-30 case.”

Please, stop pulling your “poor me” campaign on me. I’ve lived with you. Save that story for people who didn’t live with you and didn’t know the kind of things you pulled to get your way.

You can now stop with the repeated revisionist history emails. You’ve made your choice for divorce, so rehashing it all (yet again) to solidify your version of the fantasy in your mind is a waste of my time.

~LM

LM,

The only word that describes you is “liar” everything you wrote is lies. I lived on a very tight budget when we were together. I didn’t have nice clothes, nice furnishings, etc…..What was I buying in this compulsion to spend? You are whacked.

Anyway, time will tell which one of us winds up alone and broke and which one of us finds a healthy happy relationship. Time will tell. I say you wind up living alone…..with all your junk surrounding you like Fred Sanford.

~PEW

I have to admit, even today, I laugh at the “Fred Sanford” dig. It’s funny. Really funny if you are aware of who Fred Sanford is. If not, CLICK HERE.

As for the bolded part which is this post’s title, I can’t say that I won’t be broke, but the irony of this dig made 4-years ago given what is going on today is not lost on me.

This is then immediately followed-up by…

LM,

I did appreciate and will never forget the time I had when the boys were babies with them. And you helped that happen by not making me work full time. Thank you. That was the best time in MY life and that is what I try to remember when you make me angry. And I tell myself that you will never grasp what was wrong between us, so I just need to move on. You have no desire to improve yourself. For that I feel sorry for you.

~PEW

Oh, I grasp what was wrong with us. What more can I say that I haven’t already said, repeatedly, throughout so many of these historical posts? We ran this circle so many more times than I care to count, it’s embarrassing.

PEW,

Don’t feel sorry for me. Get help. Clearly your tone and your continued desire to re-write your own personal history to make it seem like you weren’t completely VICIOUS to me on regular cycles is sad. Your repeated failure to follow-thru on counseling… is that a lie, too? Your constantly ruining holidays because you don’t get what you want, or didn’t like something you did want, or how you got it? That a lie? You didn’t hock the engagement ring for money while complaining that my brothers’ wives all had better rings than you? That a lie? We couldn’t look at homes in areas of interest to me because you would file for divorce? Was that a lie? Did we not move under penalty of divorce? Was that a lie?

Spare me, PEW. The truth is out there but you just don’t want to face it. When you didn’t get your way… you threatened. Others’ concerns or desires were always secondary to your own… and if someone else had a different viewpoint, you either ran away or threatened divorce.

Even your own friends know that.

Maybe you could get on with that wonderful life you envision if you would stop emailing me recreating the last 10-years of your life to suit your desire to validate yourself while convincing yourself that you never did any of these things… and do them often.

~LM

Period. End of discussion. Well, this one, anyway.

 Subscribe in a reader