Be Prepared for the Worst!

In the Spring of 2003, one of my brothers purchased a motorcycle. It was something I had always wanted to do and just never had the motivation to do it. At that point, I became intrigued. I read a lot classified ads. I had a long-time motorcycle riding buddy teach me how to ride that fall, just to see if I really wanted to do it. The guy put me on his $10,000+ motorcycle, told me a few tips, and just told me to “do it.” I nearly crapped my pants. I nearly wrecked it once. However, like a father teaching a son how to take his first bicycle ride, JD was patient and brave. In less than 30-minutes, I knew how to handle his big bike. He was proud like a poppa, too.

Still, I was in no financial position to purchase a bike of any consequence and resigned myself to the fact that it would be some time before I would ever become so. Still, I “window shopped” the classifieds always dreaming that the day would come.

Fast forward to New Year’s Day 2004. EE, my then father-in-law, approaches me during idle chit-chat and tells me a long-time friend of his was selling a motorcycle. He was trying to get $4,000 for it (which was a very good price given the condition and the fact that it had less than 900-miles on it), but would sell it to him (EE, that is) for $3,000 firm. Fact is, I didn’t have $3,000 to spend on a motorcycle. Still, talking about motorcycles and the story behind why this guy was selling such an amazing bike made for a really great time that New Year’s Day. I had fun! That is, until the ride home with PEW.

Everything is quiet, kids are asleep in the back seat, and she launches into a tirade about me buying the motorcycle and “If you buy that fucking motorcycle our marriage is over! I can’t believe you’re going to buy a motorcycle!” That’s the cliff’s notes version. After sitting there and calmly listening for a few minutes, I snapped, yelling at her, “SHUT UP! I’M NOT BUYING A GODDAMNED MOTORCYCLE!!! YOUR FATHER AND I WERE SIMPLY TALKING ABOUT MOTORCYCLES!!! I HAD A GOOD DAY SO SHUT THE HELL UP AND DON’T RUIN IT!!!” I mean I yelled about as loud as I could. (Somehow, the children never stirred.) She shut up for the rest of the ride home.

Christmas week was quiet, almost enjoyable, but not due to any interaction with PEW. Quite the contrary, there was a lack of interaction and a complete lack of drama. I didn’t buy her a single thing and of course, she reciprocated with the same nothing, which was nothing new for her. She made up for it the first week of the New Year.

During the next day, there was a discussion. I don’t remember the particulars, but I do remember telling her something like I have never bought myself anything during our entire relationship “just for me.” We got new cars everytime you didn’t like something about the last. We moved because you demanded it. We got stuff for the house on your command. I’ve bought you jewelry, clothes, collectibles, you name it. You even hocked the engagement ring I bought you so that you could spend on yourself. Me? I haven’t once bought a single thing of any substance JUST FOR ME. Even though we are not in any position for me to spend three-grand for a motorcycle, IF I wanted to, I believe I deserve it. I’ve done some great things for you and our family and damn it – I deserve to get something just for me that has absolutely not a frigging thing to do with you!

I don’t remember if it was a heated argument or not. My recollection is that there was probably some snide remark on her part and I had a controlled “vent” on her regarding how I felt about her attitude regarding a purchase that was never going to happen. The next day, 1/3/2004, I got this in a handwritten letter:

LM,

After last night, I thought about some of the things you said. I have to tell you that I am shocked at some of the things you have said.

First of all, I do NOT have a spending problem. If you have $3Gs for a bike, that’s great. But I do not buy anything that is NON essential. You are free to go to the MC website and look at an itemization. You, on the other hand, have fans, cigars, a large CD collection, Hess trucks, video games, etc. etc. I, on the other hand, have 3 dolls. I do not have fine clothing. I don’t get my hair cut, my nails done. You have a tattoo and have been talking about getting another.

As far as the “grand” things you claim you have done, I’m almost speechless. I have had a part in all of that. I have WORKED prior to having the kids. I worked after having the kids. I will work for the rest of my life. How dare you! You have the last 10-years of my life absolute hel! If the credit card thing makes you leave, GREAT!

You are a MEAN, MEAN SELFISH PERSON. You have screamed in my face, gotten physical with me, nagged me, criticized me, denied me the pleasure of picking my own furniture, you made shopping for a home a nightmare.

Don’t get me wrong. Though I do love you because you’re funny, a great father, and when you are not bipolar, you’re a great person. Like, I can’t tell you how great Christmas week was. If you were like that all the time, I could actually STAND you. But you’re up to your old shit again. You want a motorcycle and you want me to say, “great honey, you deserve it.” Well, it ain’t gonna happen unless you drastically change. If you were as sweet as you acted Christmas week, all the time, that is what I’d say, but the fact is you have been horrible to me. So, I ain’t saying you deserve it. Not now. If you want to try to be nice until spring, maybe I’ll change. Otherwise, buy a cycle and be prepared for the WORST.

I don’t need a diamond, I just want you to be a little more stable and less bitchy. As far as threatening divorce, it’s not really a joke. I’m not in a great position right now. It would be nice if we could be married forever, but honestly, I don’t see it because of your constant negativity and the fricking nagging. As far as I am concerned you are unpredictable. I need the credit card just in case you pull any of your old shit!

Happy New Year!

~PEW

P.S. – If we sold our house and parted, I could pay off my credit card.

I didn’t write her back. If I did, it probably would have looked that this:

Paragraph 1/2 – She’s full of shit, as usual. She did get her hair done regularly and occasionally got her nails done. As for the list of things that she claims I bought – almost everything on the list were things acquired for re-sale on eBay, which I did as a “part-time job” of sorts and to help to have some extra mess-around cash available, which she usually messed-around with. The “large CD collection” existed long before I ever met her. At the time, I think I could count on 1-hand how many CDs I purchased during our relationship (for me, that is). The tattoo that I got – I got approximately 5-years earlier, honoring the birth of our first son. It was supposed to be a birthday gift from her to me that never materialized, so I just bought it for myself. (For the record, I didn’t get a second one, honoring the birth of S2, until well after we split.)

Paragraph 3 – She’s full of shit, as usual. PEW never made a contribution to the mortgage unless it was an emergency-type situation, which was RARE. She was responsible for the following: 1 – Tuition for the children because as a stay at home mom, I didn’t feel that it was a necessary expense. It was just a way for her to get out of caring for the children for several days a week while constantly claiming she was with them “24/7.” 2 – Her own car gas, which I probably filled more than half of the time anyway. 3 – Groceries. 4 – Co-pays for doctor visits if she took the kids or herself. Her own clothing, accessories, etc. That’s it. I took care of the mortgage, my own car gas, all of the insurances (health, auto, home, both of our life policies – all insurance), I still food shopped probably 1/3 – 1/2 the time, auto maintenance… in short – everything else that wasn’t on her list and still a portion of some that was on her list. The biggest thing she “contributed” to in our relationship was D-E-B-T. She never had to account for her spending or what she did with her money, even when she was working full-time. When I did call her on it (in the last post) – she lied and then I’d point out to her about that spending problem she doesn’t have.

Paragraph 5 – Projection. Enough said.

Paragraph 6 – Is just creepy. The funny thing is – what she is essentially saying without realizing it is that if I just ignored and avoided her “all the time” – everything would be great! Aside from parental interaction related to the children, it was quiet and calm. She also tosses out the “do this and maybe I’ll change” control technique.

Paragraph 7 – Projection. Reading it again now, I have to laugh at her closing with “Happy New Year.” Psycho. “If we sold OUR house…” OUR house? You mean the house which I owned prior to meeting her, was chock-full of pre-marital equity, and to which she contributed NOTHING financially – “we split.” And you wonder why I feel scammed and worse – I let it all happen.

Afterthought… several months later (after the divorce filing), I would come into the money necessary to purchase that motorcycle that EE’s friend was selling. I’ve kept it a secret all this time, but perhaps when I reach that point in this timeline, I’ll disclose it. To best of my recollection, only DW and the person who helped to make it happen know the details. It was brilliant, imaginative, and perhaps a slight bit devious – but the irony of the outcome… is great.

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The Beginning of the Never End

Christmas 2003 itself was relatively uneventful, though, it wasn’t without the annual pre-holiday drama which really starting the ball rolling towards the filing for divorce in early 2004. I was beginning to “shut-down” (sort of) in that I just avoided interacting with her in any capacity because the end-result would be chaos.

Rather than debate about things via email or over instant-messaging, when the latest round of things that were bothering her cropped up, I told her I wouldn’t hear of them unless she put them in writing as recommended by a previous counselor. That way, there were no volume issues and there hopefully would be no issues where she could go on an unrelated tangent. It was 12/3/2003.

I’ve whacked-up this handwritten exchange to make it easier for you to follow. She listed 4 things she had issues with. I would respond. Rather than lay them all out in a big bunch with my response, I’ll do each issue individually and my response.

PEW writes:

#1 – I don’t feel like you really care about me based on your actions the other day with regard to the party. S1 was not sick. He was excited about going to [your niece’s] party. It was one hour. I was up all night with S2 and I had to work. It sure seems selfish to me.

LM replies:

I’m sorry you feel that way. As I explained to you during our verbal discussion on this topic, my choice not to go was based on 2 things – I was up as well and I was tired. Additionally, while you believe otherwise, I felt S1 shouldn’t go to the party due to his being sick. He was diagnosed on Friday. It was Sunday. While he was excited for the party, it wasn’t appropriate to expose others to his illness as well. As he acquired a high fever and was vomiting half the night after the party, it is clear that I was correct.

Furthermore, I told you that you shouldn’t go and you chose to. You claim I “don’t care about you” because I didn’t take S1, but you forgot the following:

1 – You had the option to stay home. I didn’t “make” you go anywhere.

2 – I chose to stay home with a very sick S2, and while taking care of him, managed to do 5 loads of wash, too, among other small housework chores.

You – Party. Me – Stay home with a sick S2.

That doesn’t seem very selfish to me.

PEW writes:

#2 – On Thanksgiving, you could have handled yourself differently. You made a scene whether or you believe it or not. There were 8 people there that can attest to that. I’m tired of going to family functions and having to worry about if someone is going to rub you wrong. You see my family so infrequently that you could overlook my sister’s annoying comments.

LM replies:

On Thanksgiving, as detailed during our verbal discussion, your sister repeatedly needled me about being “cheap,” and refused no fewer than 3 respectful requests that I not be part of your family’s pollyanna. After the 5th wisecrack about my being cheap, in an exasperated voice – I told your sister (again) that it had nothing to do with money (emphasis on “do”).

Now, you first acknowledge that she was needling me, then disavowed any knowledge of her needling me. I can’t help that. However, when I firmly expressed that it was not about money, she stopped poking fun at me.

I see your family several times each month, so I have no clear understanding of your claim that it’s infrequent, nor do I see the relevance of this (non)issue. I kindly expressed my desire to not join pollyanna no fewer than 4 times.

PEW writes:

#3 – I went out tonight to get a coat and I felt like you were busting on me for being gone so long. Then when I got back you came downstairs and left me to get the boys ready for bed, as if “you were done.” I was at my wits end with S2 after ALL DAY.

LM replies:

I’m sorry for the misunderstanding. You, having previously laughed at my jokes about you “stepping out” – I thought you knew I was kidding and I will not joke like that again.

As for “leaving you” to get the boys ready for bed, it was nothing that wouldn’t have been remedied with a simple call upstairs.

Remember now, after retrieving the groceries from the car, assisting with unpacking and putting them all away, you gave the boys a snack and were talking on the phone. As that was going on, I went down to check email and reply to some. All you had to do was call me and, as I always do, I would have come running.

As I have previously expressed to you – just call if you need me. It’s a far better option than not and being mad at me for not being a mindreader. Too often, there is an expectation of knowledge followed by your anger, all of which can be avoided by talking and communicating.

PEW writes:

#4 – Money is going to be an issue at Christmastime. I can’t afford all the gifts, groceries, and tuition, and copays on my meager salary and I’m always afraid to approach you about it because it seems like you think I should be able to afford everything. Like the boys could use dress shoes for the holidays. I could use some clothes, too.

I’m tired of everything being work work work for me and never getting anywhere

LM replies:

If money is going to be tight, then we are going to have to check our spending this holiday season. While I do have certain expectations that you could handle your gas, groceries, and other necessities (clothes for you/kids) and what-not – there is NO accounting for your money. You work, conservatively, 16-hours per week and should be bringing home roughly $160-$200/week. That’s somewhere around $700 per month conservatively. That should take care of a bunch of stuff, meanwhile, your credit card is over $2,000 (at least, the last time I saw a statement) and you want to spend money we clearly don’t have.

You can’t have it both ways. I’ve been after you to work with me on a budget for years to no avail. You want to have and spend and do more with no responsibility for doing what is within our means.

If you need me to cover things for which you feel “solely” responsible, you have to let me know. But you also have to understand that things need to change, WE need to spend more responsibly, and do it now – not after “charging” the holidays – which is what you told me you were going to do and “there was nothing” I could do to stop you.

Again – YOU NEED TO COMMUNICATE.

PEW writes:

Okay, so let’s say that I get $700/month. That is $400 to groceries per month. $220 per month for tuition. $60-$80 on baby sitting. $80 per month for gas. Where does the accounting come in? That is OVER my earnings.

I am communicating that I am going to buy gifts for people. In lieu of cash that I don’t have, I WILL charge. Just lettin’ you know.

P.S. $100 worth of groceries is nothing. It isn’t even a full cart!

LM replies:

For the record, I said $700 was a conservative estimate. Most, if not all, of the time you work 3-days per week and less frequently – more than even that. At 20-hours per month it’s $900/month. At 24-hours, it’s almost $1,100/month.

Previously, I’ve NEVER asked for you to account for your spending. The ONE TIME I’ve seen a credit card statement from you, I asked that you “keep it in check. because it went from $300 to $2,000 in 3-months – all while working these hours.

Just know this – the more you charge – the less we can afford to do. That’s on you. I believe you make more than $700/month, but in addition to never seeing a credit card statement from you – I’ve never seen a paystub, either.

I can work on creating a budget with you – if YOU’RE willing. Just so we’re clear, based upon the work calendar in the kitchen – here is how much you’ve brought home the last 5-months: $1,164. $1,164. $1,248. $1,248. $1,081. You’re also slated to make around $1,200 this month. “So let’s say,” eh?

Did I mention pathological liar, too? She was so busted it wasn’t even funny, acting like the poor, put-upon destitute hard-working wife who only brought home $700/month. She even took the extra step of showing me how the things for which she was responsible exceeded her monthly take-home income of “$700.”

You would be right if you guessed that exposing her for lying ended this paper discussion right in it’s tracks. The thing that astounds me to this day is that in addition to her take-home income – there would be discovered the small matter of in excess of $5,000 in credit card charges over the last 6-months of 2003. So… she spent $12,000 in 6-months and literally had NOTHING to show for it.

As for the Thanksgiving complaint – she was wrong about that, too. Her oldest brother and both sisters-in-law, after the fact, told me that I showed great restraint and that PP had no business badgering me like that and… “she deserved worse.”

As for the other issues – no need to comment on them for this post – my replies are self-explanatory, if wasted on THE PEW.

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Wishing She Could Let Mom & Dad Care for Her

Yeah, I know… again with the “I’m having a breakdown” cry. Despite being a regular occurrence, many of which were documented – I remind you that these and her suicide threats didn’t concern custody-evaluator-3 in terms of PEW’s ability to be a parent to the children.

PEW: are you going to the post office at lunch
LM: yes, You?
PEW: no, [my SIL] was wondering if you could take something for her
LM: yes
PEW: ok. OMG…..i can’t take it when S2 whines. first he poked himself in the eye. are you there?
LM: yes. I’m starving. lol
PEW: sorry i know you’re busy…..but I gotta tell ya……
LM: Just type. I’m reading.
PEW: i feel like i’m having a breakdown or something
LM: oh dear.
PEW: between the dreams and feeling just very nervous and anxious and the whining….and us fighting…….i feel so overwhelmed. and work…….
LM: I wish I knew what to tell you.
PEW: me too because i feel very alone. i wish i could go home and let my mom and dad take care of me for awhile
LM: Why don’t you go down the shore or something for a weekend. Take a break.
PEW: when, i have work
LM: What’s more important?
PEW: being alone isn’t going to help me feel better or less anxious, our anniversary is this weekend and we’re not even “together”, going away isn’t going to solve anything
LM: ok

Well, at least this was a short one, right?

I can’t help but think to myself, if I poked myself in the eye today, I would whine like a 2-year old.

Additional thoughts – that not only was PEW incapable of recognizing just how serious a problem she has, but no one around her had the ability to either recognize the depth of her issues or gave enough of a crap about them to see to it that perhaps she got some real help. Of course, given the pathology that is rooted in her own family, it probably is a bit much to have expected.

Also, this is a prelude to another holiday season. It’s the week before Thanksgiving in 2003.

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