The Restraining Order Conclusion

After filing the petition for a restraining order on September 2nd, 2004, a hearing was scheduled for the following week on September 8th. PEW was appropriately served her notice and showed up with her legal representation. After lengthy discussion with my attorney, he was confident that I could handle this on my own and effectively told me to stick to the facts as I had presented them in the petition and do not deviate. Explain the story, provide your evidence (police reports and calls) and it should be granted.

Now, many attorneys do their “pro bono” work as may be required by their firms during restraining order issues. I was approached by one and decided to go ahead and take it. With a few hours to go until it was our turn, I filled him in on all of the details and he agreed that it was quite likely that I would get the restraining order.

I requested the following:

• Restrain Defendant from abusing, threatening, harassing, or stalking Plaintiff and/or minor children in any place where Plaintiff may be found.
• Evict/exclude Defendant from Plaintiff’s residence and prohibit Defendant from attempting to enter any temporary or permanent residence of Plaintiff.
• Award Plaintiff temporary custody of the minor children and place the following restrictions on contact between the Defendant and the children: “Any agreed-upon visitation requires an exchange no closer than the driveway of the marital residence with no entry into the home.”
• Prohibit Defendant from having any contact with Plaintiff and/or minor children either in person, by telephone, or in writing, personally or through third persons, including but not limited to any contact at school, business, or place of employment, except as the court may find necessary with respect to partial custody and/or visitation with the minor children.
• Prohibit Defendant from having any contact with the Plaintiff’s relatives and Plaintiff’s children listed in this petition, except as the court may find necessary with respect to partial custody and/or visitation with the minor children.
• Order Defendant to temporarily turn over weapons to the sheriff of this county and prohibit Defendant from transferring, acquiring, or possessing any such weapons for the duration of the order.
• Order Defendant to pay temporary support for Plaintiff and/or minor children, including medical support and payment of the rent or mortgage on the residence.
• Direct Defendant to pay Plaintiff for the reasonable financial losses suffered as a result of the abuse, to be determined at hearing.
• Order Defendant to pay the costs of this action, including filing and service fees.
• Order Defendant to pay Plaintiff’s reasonable attorney’s fees.
• Grant such relief as the court deems appropriate.
• Order the police or other law enforcement agency to serve Defendant with a copy of this petition, any order issued and the order for hearing. The petitioner will inform the designated authority of any addresses, other than the Defendant’s residence, where Defendant can be served.

So, my pro bono attorney meets with the other side to try to get the lay of the land and see what he can make happen. When he returns after a lengthy discussion, he informs me that the other side is willing to accept the petition with one exception – that the children be excluded from the restraint.

When I explain to him that the greater portion of my fear is that the children could ultimately be harmed by her increasingly escalating behaviors, the attorney explains that I have a solid case on the firearms issue. She will be found guilty and the court would very likely impose all of that which I have asked for, except the temporary custody of the children. I allow myself to be talked into it. We avoid the hearing by allowing everything relevant to my own protection to proceed, most importantly, her immediate turning-over of the firearms to the Sheriff’s department. And again, I get another lesson in the mother-favoritism in family court.

Another hindsight lesson for anyone in a similar spot is here. While I will always suggest that you default to listening to the attorney’s advice, I will now suggest that you follow your gut… follow your instincts… do a risk/reward analysis. I believe I made a mistake in listening to this attorney’s advice as I had nothing to lose by going to a hearing. In that situation, where there is truly no downside to proceeding – PROCEED and see if you can get all of the relief you’ve asked for. I wasn’t going to jail. I wasn’t going to be sanctioned. I had the complete upper-hand. And I gave away a potentially strong opportunity to gain primary, if not sole, custody of the children because of PEW’s criminal behavior. I let the “expert” talk me into this because of the mantra “always listen to your attorney.” Well, folks… I’m hear to tell you that attorneys can be wrong. Attorneys make mistakes. Attorneys can give bad advice. Assess each situation on its own merits and if your instincts are telling you to follow through with the hearing and there is literally no downside to trying to push through and get what you asked for – JUST DO IT!

I thought that between winning the hearing over the schooling issue followed so closely by these events and subsequent restraining order being accepted by her without a fight/defense, I had a couple of major tools needed to protect myself and gain primary custody of the children. I would be able to protect them from her madness. My confidence level was quite high.

Still, following the advice of the pro bono attorney and not following through on the hearing, even though I still get the PFA, was probably another of several big blunders on my part. My high confidence level would soon be shattered as we go through the custody evaluation and panic begins to take hold.

The restraining order was entered for a duration of 18-months. I received exclusive possession of the marital home (though she wasn’t required to make any contributions to the mortgage or upkeep, which pretty much was the same as when we were married). She was required to turn over the stolen firearms to the Sheriff’s office.

In an early example of PEW’s penchant for willful disregard of court orders, I received a call from her 2-weeks after this hearing. She explained to me that her neighbors told her that a couple of Sheriff’s officers were looking for her at her place earlier in the day and if I had anything to do with it. I told her that I did not.

It turns out, she hadn’t turned over the firearms to the Sheriff’s department and a bench warrant was issued for her arrest. In keeping with her ability to get out of certain trouble – she turned over the firearms shortly thereafter. Still, she had to go before the court and explain the delay in compliance. I wasn’t there for it, but I’m sure she turned on the crying faucet, made some lame excuse, and was not sanctioned for her willful disobedience of the court’s orders. She is contempt of court, she is already in violation of the PFA by continuing to hold the firearms – and NOTHING is done. No sanctions. No arrest. No penalty whatsoever. 4-years later, I’m no longer surprised when these things happen to me or anyone else.

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The Restraining Order Petition

It’s really hard to describe the feelings that overcome one in the midst of a situation like this break-in. I call it a “break-in” because that’s exactly what it was. I had the locks changed since her move-out and made the mistake of leaving downstairs windows “cracked” when I left for work. So, she ripped-out the screen, opened the window and let herself and the children into the house.

Yes – the children.

This was the first shocker for me and I remained extraordinarily calm given the situation. I couldn’t believe she had done this in front of the children, then ages 5 and 3. I had great neighbors on a wonderful block and the most heartbreaking part of this whole ordeal was the big, bright smiles on the faces of both boys and the excitement in their voices when, during that evening when they were out front playing, they were telling our next-door neighbors, excitedly, “Yeah! Mom and Dad are getting back together and we’re so excited! This is really great!” To keep a solid face I had to work very hard to choke back tears and sadness and do the parental side-stepping that was something akin to telling them, “…oh, we’ll see, there are a lot of things that need to be discussed” …and avoid ripping their hearts out of their chest again. The PEW would take care of that the next day. I still get butterflies and sadness when I think about those couple of days when I remember how the kids were.

The details of the events are best described in my petition for protection from abuse for the dates in question (9/1 & 9/2, 2004):

My wife and I had a hearing on the morning of 9/1/2004. The judge ruled in my favor, which my PEW rather upset.

Upon returning home, I changed my clothes and went to a meeting at work. At approximately 1:45PM, my phone activated and caller ID indicated that the call was coming from my home. I removed myself from the meeting and answered the phone.

The PEW identified herself to me and said, “I just wanted to let you know that I’ve broken into the house and I already check with the police. There isn’t a fucking thing you can do about it, either. I’m moving back in and I am going to make your life a living hell until you have no choice but to sell this house!”

I tried to convince The PEW to leave the home with the children. I told her that I understand that she was entitled to be there, but it didn’t have to happen today. She refused to leave and we ended the conversation.

At that time I called police radio and asked [town’s] police to send a patrol car to the home to see what was going on.

Soon thereafter, I arrived home to discover that no police had been dispatched. As PEW had stolen my firearms that I won from the home approximately 6-months ago and their return was again discussed in the morning, I asked if she had them with her and if I could have them back, at which time she replied menacingly, “Your guns? Yeah, you’ll get them back all right – you better be careful what you ask for!”

I understood that to be a threat. I again called the police and urged them to send someone over right away as I was on the premises, as was my wife and my children and that things were escalating. I believe I said that I “strongly advised” them to come to the home.

Within minutes the police arrived and spoke to us separately. They advised me that PEW was adamant about staying and that neither they nor I could force her to leave.

Later in that evening, around 10:00 PM, PEW and I had a relatively civil discussion about what transpired and of our general circumstances. PEW expressed her frustration with the situation, her living arrangements, her mounting legal bills. Of particularly serious concern to me, PEW stated specifically that she is having trouble dealing with all of this and she, “felt like ending it all” which I took as a clear reference to suicide. Furthermore, during our portion of the discussion regarding our custody issues, she said to me, “If I lose my children, I don’t know what I’d do, probably kill myself.”

This erratic behavior has me concerned for my children’s welfare, my own welfare, and even her welfare.

On Thursday, 9/2/2004, I had to run some errands in the morning. One of my stops included the police station, where I filed a report with Officer So-And-So. I informed him of my discussion and PEW’s suicide references. I further expressed to him my fear that PEW may try to hurt herself and then try to accuse me of doing it or attempt to provoke a physical confrontation. After he took my report, I headed home.

I arrived home at approximately 11:00 AM. once there, I sat down with PEW to discuss the drop-off and pick-up of S1 for school. I made a call to the after-care program to adjust my registration from full-week to drop-in.

PEW informed me that she was taking the boys to her apartment to pick-up their hermit-crabs and some other things. She returned approximately 90-minutes later without anything from the apartment. It was approximately 2:00 PM. I awakened from a nap and informed PEW of my intentions to go into work.

PEW asked me to wait, let the boys out into the yard, and she went into the bathroom. Upon exiting the bathroom, she informed me that she was moving back out. I was shocked because the boys were already very confused by the previous days’ events. They were telling our neighbors that, “…mommy and daddy were getting back together.” Now, she was telling them that they were not moving back in.

I expressed extreme displeasure at this revelation and thought this behavior could have extreme negative effects on the children. It was then that PEW charged at me and started yelling at me and she raised her hands as if she was going to strike me. Given my suspicions that she would try to engage me in a physical confrontation, I backed away from her, telling her, “Be careful! This could cost you your kids!”

She continued to yell at me, approaching me again with a raised hand. I moved towards the steps that lead to the front door. I demanded the house key and PEW refused. I told her I was going to take the van keys. I didn’t threaten PEW at any time. However, she called the police.

By this time, I had exited the marital residence and went to my vehicle which was parked across the street. The boys were in the house now, upstairs and looking out the open front window at me. PEW came storming out front and went berzerk in the driveway. In an effort to get the attention of the neighbors, PEW began shouting at the top of her lungs, all within view and hearing of the children, “DO YOU PEOPLE KNOW WHAT KIND OF NEIGHBOR YOU HAVE?!?! HE’S AN ABUSER, A FUCKING-ASSHOLE (repeatedly), A HOMOSEXUAL, AND REAL MAN WOULD HAVE LEFT THE HOUSE AND ALLOWED THE WOMAN TO STAY!!!” The language was filthy, vile, full of expletives – and S1 was clearly unnerved by what he was witnessing. When she had completed her tirade, she threw the house key in the grass. The police then arrived, including Officer So-And-So with whom I filed the report earlier in the day. Soon after a talking to by the police, PEW left with the boys.

In my estimation, this erratic behavior pattern is becoming increasingly more aggressive and is demonstrating that PEW has little regard for the welfare of the children. I am concerned for the safety of the children, my own safety, and even PEW’s safety from herself.

It is also important to note that after telling me the prior evening that she fired her attorney – during the confrontation on 9/2/2004, PEW told me that she did not fire her attorney and that the attorney had advised PEW to re-enter the home, causing all of this upset and strife for the children and me, but for what end I don’t know. I find PEW’s behavior threatening and detrimental to the children most especially.

The entire situation was surreal, there is no other way to explain it. At least I had the sense enough to file a report with the police and accurately predicted what her intentions were.

Worthy of note:

– Despite explaining to the police that she made a gun threat, they didn’t arrest her, because she apparently didn’t have the guns on her actual person. I’m absolutely certain that if the roles were reversed, I would have been arrested.

– Despite explaining that she had attempted to attack me and even despite the police witnessing some of her screaming and foul mouth, she was not arrested. I’m absolutely certain that if the roles were reversed, I would have been arrested.

Frankly, I think I was lucky that I wasn’t arrested.

At least I took the necessary steps, short of moving out, to maximizing self-protection and it appeared to have worked.

To this day, I’m astounded that his major incident was never considered by any custody evaluator as relevant to determining her stability or her ability to parent the children effectively… but this would be one of many harsh lessons I would learn over the course of the coming months and years.

Separately, learn about the abuse of restraining orders: Without Restraint – The Use and Abuse of Restraining Orders. You can also do a simple google search for “restraining order abuse” and find alarming information.

I count myself lucky that I was actually able to get one, for what little good it did me, given the circumstances. What is quite ironic was that reality is, women use them overwhelmingly as a weapon in a divorce and custody situation. Custody Evaluator 1 will dismiss my offering of same as “lawyer posturing to get an upper-hand in the custody situation” despite PEW’s acceptance of guilt to avoid a hearing. Have I mentioned that if the roles were reversed what my expectations would be?

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Parallel Parenting – How It Evolves & Implementation

Research on families of divorce suggest that there are primarily three styles of parenting for families after a divorce: cooperative, conflicted, or disengaged. Cooperative parenting (co-parenting) is the style used by families in which conflict is low and parents effectively communicate about their child. It is generally regarded as the most healthy outcome for the children and the parents. There is generally agreement on most parenting values, consistency in parenting styles, and debates/conflicts about the child(ren)’s lives are few.

In the aftermath of a divorce involving children, the parenting plan tends to move in the direction of co-parenting by default. The courts and all those who are a part of the divorce & custody machine love to see co-parenting and use that language often.

Unfortunately, the reason that families are in court in the first place is not because of their focus on cooperation and their ability to do so. Many a disagreement, even in intact households, have been about parenting styles. On parent doesn’t like the way the other handles a certain situation or situations. Personally, I’d like to see the language “parallel parenting” hit the mainstream due to this reality. Why do these conflicts continue during parenting in the aftermath of divorce?

1. Continuation of hostility that began during the marriage
2. Differing perceptions of pre-separation child-rearing roles
3. Differing perceptions of post-separation child-rearing roles
4. Differing perceptions of how to parent
5. Concern about the adequacy of the other parent’s parenting ability
6. An unwillingness of one or both parents to accept the end of the relationship
7. Jealousy about a new partner in the other parent’s life
8. Contested child custody issues
9. Personality issues/factors in one or both parents that stimulate/escalate conflict

Whatever the reasons, the parents’ inability to separate their parental roles from prior conflict in the marriage is usually the most significant contributing factor post-divorce. This conflict is perhaps the most important variable in determining how your child adjusts to your divorce. Even if one parent does whatever it takes to reduce the amount of conflict in the aftermath of divorce – the benefits to the child are significant.

The first step towards minimizing the conflict post-divorce is learning to disengage from the other parent. Disengagement is one of the possible styles of parenting after divorce. If you disengage, you create a no-conflict zone around the children and have limited contact with the other parent. With disengagement, you avoid contact with the other parent so that conflict cannot develop. Disengagement is a necessary first-step to reduce the conflict before you can move on to the next style of parenting… parallel parenting.

There are significant differences between co-parenting and parallel parenting. Simply put: Cooperative Parenting vs. Independent Parenting. It’s really that simple and that difficult all at the same time. The name is derived from a similar concept in children’s play. Research psychologists have observed that young children who play together, but do not have the skills to interact cooperatively, engage in a process of parallel play. If they are in a sandbox together or taking turns going down a slide, they play next to one another, not with one another. Each child is doing her own thing with the toys, and generally ignoring the other. When they get older, they will learn to interact cooperatively and play together.

Co-Parenting VERSUS Parallel Parenting

1. Child Focused /// Adult Focused.
2. Parents communicate regularly /// Parents communicate only during emergencies or matters of an urgent nature relating to the children.
3. Parents can communicate in person/via phone /// Parents communicate in writing (email, text, etc) or via a third-party (NOT the children).
4. Major decisions are jointly discussed /// Major decisions are communicated rather than discussed (unless prohibited by a court order).
5. Parents work together as needed to resolve issues related to the child /// Households resolve day-to-day issues independently of one another. Each parent makes decisions about the child when s/he is in their household.
6. Parents work together with the best interests of the child in mind /// Parents work separately with the best interests of the child in mind (as they perceive them).
7. Smooth transitions from one home to the other /// Transitions may involve substantial change for the child(ren) and exchanges may be done at a neutral location.
8. Schedule is flexible and changes are negotiable /// Schedule is inflexible, few/no changes are made, a court-order typically dictates the exact schedule and deviations are rare. Parents need third-party direction.
9. Parents can discuss issues between child(ren) and the other parent, cooperative discipline, extracurriculars scheduling, etc. /// Parents individually responsible for own relationship with the child and direct any issues between child and other parent back to them. Nothing is planned or discussed that would impact on the other’s parenting time.

Under such an agreement, the parents establish two separate and distinct households. Each parent is responsible for providing for the children their own sets of clothes, copies of important documentation (birth certificates, doctor & dental reports, immunization records, social security cards, insurance cards, etc.), shoes, hats, coats, school supplies… you get the picture! Contact should in written form and limited to short, factual information. (See my low-contact article for tips). Whenever possible, the transition should be made as third-party. A time frame in established, for example, father will drop child(ren) off at school in the morning and mother will retrieve the child from school at the end of the day. In this type of arrangement, there is a time buffer and that allows for a safe, healthy, no-conflict transition.

Where very young children are involved, it is important to share all aspects of your child’s functions with the daycare provider when you do the drop-off. Using the same philosophy, it is of paramount importance for parents to share detailed information with each other upon the exchange of the child. A useful tool is a “parent communication notebook.” In this notebook you will write down the highlights of your child’s emotions, behaviors, important health information, important school information, etc. during the time the child(ren) are with you. Complete the notebook in detail and pass it along to the other parent at the time of transition. I strongly recommend that you create the pages electronically. It is not uncommon for these communications to remain “one-way” and you don’t want your hard work to vanish into thin air without a back-up. Don’t let the other parent’s lack of cooperation with the notebook stop you from continuing to perform this vitally important function. This notebook should stay with your child so each parent can use it as a forum for preserving thoughts about your child and their needs. Always remember the focus is on the children. You should include no opinions about the other parent and conversely, ignore any “editorial” comments that are made by the other parent.

It is my experience and the experiences of many folks whose stories I have read that a person suffering from or suspected of having borderline personality disorder will challenge any boundary established by their target(s). The efforts you undertake in moving towards a parallel parenting plan and establishing boundaries and low-contact methods – eliminates much of the frustration that exists as you struggle to parent/step-parent with a high-conflict ex-spouse (BPD or otherwise). A firm, documented set of rules provides the structure by which you can minimize the conflict in the aftermath of a divorce with a difficult personality. It will not eliminate the issues, but will dramatically reduce them when you become disciplined enough to maintain them. Remember, you cannot control the other person – only how you react to them. It takes practice and you WILL be challenged.

Ten Tips for Successful Parallel Parenting

1. Maintain an attitude for non-interference with your child’s other parent. Neither parent has influence or say over the actions of the other parent.
2. Carry on a business-like attitude; use common courtesy.
3. Do not plan activities for the children during the other parent’s time. It may be better for a child to miss an event than to witness conflict.
4. Stay focused on the present.
5. Stay oriented to the task at hand.
6. Keep your children’s best interests in mind.
7. Remember the goal is to keep conflict to a minimum.
8. Follow up in writing all agreements and discussions regarding the children, and do so succinctly!
9. When communication and/or negotiation is necessary, use a neutral third party to assist you.
10. Keep an open mind.

Even under the best of circumstances (whatever that means), parenting is challenging. Adding on factors related to divorce makes parenting even more challenging. Although it is useful for parenting plans in divorce agreements to be comprehensive and specific, it is virtually impossible for every detail to be addressed in a document. But that’s actually a good thing. Why? Because children benefit as their divorced parents develop the ability to manage the details of parenting without conflict.

Do you really want to go to court and have a judge make decisions about your child? You know and love your child. So does your child’s other parent. If the two of you have nothing else in common, you will always have your child in common. You may need help to develop practical, efficient techniques to communicate and make decisions, manage scheduling, set boundaries and clarify expectations.

Resources for information about parenting styles and sources for some of the content of this article include:

Parellel Parenting – A Form of Joint Custody

What is this about Parallel Parenting?

Cooperative or Parallel Parenting

Is Parallel Parenting Back?

Coparenting Summary

Parenting Coordination – Implementation Issues

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Home Foreclosure

I finally got the follow-up information via email yesterday morning. Care to guess as to whether or not she accepts responsibility for her predicament? Care to guess whether or not she blames herself and her actions? Care to guess if she expresses concerns for the children or makes overtures about pursuing me for more money?

LM,

Here is what I was talking about last night. I got a forclosure notice. I knew it would happen eventually because of all of the thousands and thousands I spent on custody, which ultimately I had to take out a 2nd mortgage to pay the attorney. Obviously I’m a little distraught which is why I was reaching out to you.

I realize you really don’t care, however it brings me to another subject. Are you planning on remaining up here in [work state] for next school year? I don’t really need anymore suprises, you know? I’m also thinking in October we should revisit the support, I did put $2400 back in your pocket this year and I really don’t know why I did that. I need to do whatever I can to keep the house and keep the boys in their school where they are very happy.

So that’s it, I realize you’re not going to help me, but please understand why I feel I need to re-file for support in October. $200 a month will help.

By the way, did you make a dentist appt?

~PEW

The variety and level of emotions I feel right now on this issue have me almost dizzy. I’m pissed. I’m disappointed. I’m sad. I’m frustrated. All of them and more… for a variety of reasons.

Family Court System Rant

Notice that the first order of business for her is to come after the father for more money. More money that she feels entitled to and due to the fact that her irresponsible spending and budgeting (or lack thereof), for which she is notorious, needs to become my problem even though we’re long divorced.

The system will entertain that effort and I will have to defend against it, mostly because we’re digging out of our own hole and we are on a razor-thin budget, primarily due to all of the prior years’ litigation, combined with my 2007 unemployment, followed by the need to maintain 2 households in 2 states just so that I could have a job, but most importantly, shared custody of the children.

Any adjustment in child support upward jeopardizes my ability to maintain the place in my work state, which in turn jeopardizes my ability to keep my job in my work state, which in turn jeopardizes my ability to make sure we don’t end up losing our home in the primary home state, which in turn jeopardizes my ability to maintain shared custody of the boys.

None of that will have the slightest impact on her, even if I were to choose to point out these stark realities to her. She’ll take everyone down with her, including the children, because she feels that is what she’s owed.

Why I have to pay child support at all given that we both make good wages is inexcusable and a testament to the greed of the state. We (under normal circumstances, obviously) both make a good enough wage to support these children 50% of the time on our own. In fact, it’s good enough to support these two children 100% of the time on our own and yet… simply because I make more than she does, I have to PAY! Go on, tell me it’s about the needs and best interests of the children and not a simple transfer of wealth so that the state’s can benefit from their federal incentives.

PEW Rant

– She is in the predicament she is in because she can’t control her spending. $200/month additional will not help. It probably won’t even prolong the inevitable.

– She is in the predicament she is in because she chose to litigate custody and the property settlement. I need not remind the regular readers that had she accepted the “best offer” I could manage in 2004, she would have probably close to 6-figures worth of total retirement investment and would not have spent high 5-figures (perhaps low 6-figures) in legal expenses to end up with little more than my best offer (in settlement) and the shared custody that I had sought originally, and now have after exhausting more than our available resources to come to that very same conclusion.

– She is in that position because she takes vacations, gets her hair and nails done, purchased all new furniture… ALL new furniture when she moved out and did so on credit expecting the windfall her attorney promised and never delivered to pay for it.

– She is in that position because she buys these kids something, anything, every single time they go out somewhere… food shopping, clothes shopping, errand running, whatever – they come home with a toy or more than one toy or some other inconsequential knick-knack, because that’s what she does – buys their love and adoration.

– She is in that position because she added the additional expenses and responsibility of a dog, birds, hermit crabs, lizards, and countless other poor, unfortunate creatures over the last 4-years.

– She is in that position because she needs a new car every couple of years… her latest, a lease with ridiculously low mileage allowance that will probably cost her money when it’s time to turn it in, which is soon. And has cost her every year for going over the mileage allocation, of course that was our fault too.

– She can’t even begin to consider the negative implications of another move on the children. Worse, my reasons for wanting to keep the children in the marital household were summarily dismissed as inconsequential and yet… she is using the exact some reasoning to justify what appears to be future litigation… “I need to do whatever I can to keep those kids in the school where they are very happy.” Interesting how their happiness with school, friends, neighbors, family, and home made no difference to her back in 2004/2005. Her efforts also include allowing her sick, unstable, alcoholic sister to move back in with her. This will be her/their FOURTH home involving mom since 2004. (We have maintained our home in our home state and as previously explained, have an additional place I needed to get in order to have a job.)

– She’s squandered more than $40,000 worth of tax-free child support on top of making a wage that is well-above the national average salary in the United States… and now whatever else she is collecting from psycho-sil as rent.

– She had no business buying that house in the first place. Given that her credit is probably tanked given that things have gotten to this point in the first place, I can’t even begin to guess where she is going to move with the children when the ax falls.

– She claims to have given me back $2,400 this year, conveniently wiping from her memory; the fraudulent theft of funds by inflating the amount of childcare expenses she had over the course of 2-years before finally being found in contempt… me forgiving credits due me to the tune of about $5,000 total in 2005 and 2006 to avoid litigation that would have probably cost me the amount I was trying to get back… caving-in on the property settlement instead of fighting for my “pre-marital equity” off of the top to the tune of $24,000. She thinks that because we settled on $400/month in CS (despite her very good earnings) with 50/50 custody she gave me something back. Fact is, we arrived at that figure because I was prepared to go to a hearing for a “special exception” which had already been previously granted to me. Had I pushed for it, CS would have been approximately $100/month. However, had it not been granted, it would have been approximately $600/month. I could put on my “PEW Cap” and tell her that I’ve actually given her $3,600 more than she was legally entitled to this year.

(From the mind of DW: Besides all the things LM has said, what amazes me still is that she reasonably believes the he SHOULD and WOULD help her, if only I weren’t in the picture.

She lives in a dream world where a man she left, took all his money, took his kids, made him sell the house, called the cops on him, told people he is an alcoholic, gay, wife abuser, filed false child abuse charges against, would just up and pay all of her bills. Forever. Just because. If any judge in the world cannot see that she is psycho, they should be thrown off the bench.

Here she is, years into it, and she “knew” she would be foreclosed on at some point, and she has done NOTHING to stop it. She was on vacation for 10 days last week – we haven’t had a vacation in 3-years. She has her nails done weekly, hair done monthly, while I have literally never had my nails done, and have had 1 professional hair cut in the last 4-years. Ah yes, but the fact that we (LM) fought for custody, that is the reason she is in debt, because she didn’t want her children to ever see their father. For that, we should pay her bills, and of course I’m the only one standing in her way. Fucking psycho.)

What to do… What to do?

– File for primary custody to settle down this “annual move tradition” that PEW has established? The neighboring school district, the one in which I live, is outstanding and the brand new elementary school is about 1-mile from the “work-state home.” My gut tells me that I could try that but it is still a long shot, being a father and all. Filing now crossed my mind except that it would be unlikely to be settled in time for the school year.

– Prepare now to justify keeping the CS level where it is… because of the potential consequences of any modification upward? DEFINITELY. Of course, I will again argue for the deviation due to special circumstances and maybe get that downward modification.

The financial and personal sacrifices we’ve made (that is… DW and I) just to get to 50/50 are substantial. It really wrankles my ass that she has made essentially NONE and continues to provide for the boys a life of upheaval, choas, and disarray – and there is very likely nothing I can do to change it.

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I Fell Prey to Her Charms & Her Beauty

Great site. I’ve been through an exhausting and terrifying four years myself. Just won sole custody of my son from my second wife, who was formally diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Depression. She is allowed only supervised parenting time. And the court is allowing my son and I to relocate to another state, to escape her and her family’s continual attacks. This after she and her Legal Aid attorney initially manipulated the court into upholding a fraudulent restraining order against me which granted her temporary custody of my son for one year, and control of my home, which she and her family then stripped of all belongings. In all, a resounding victory for our 3 y.o. son. But at a cost of almost $100,000 in legal fees for a trial that lasted over 7 months and consumed over 40 hours of court testimony.

I’m a physician — I should have known better. But I fell prey to her charms and her beauty. And there is a part of me that still cares for her, still loves her, and still wishes she could be “normal”, so that our son could have a healthy mother. Fortunately, she is now on psychotropic medications, and says she is in behavioral management therapy — I hope she means Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. On the other hand, my son tells me that she’s dating a new “victim” — I wish there were a way I could warn him.

My first marriage was to a sane woman, and the two of us ended our marriage amicably, always putting our child’s needs ahead of our own. But my second marriage…

My second wife, the BPD/NPD mother of my son, is a high-functioning, charming, intelligent, slender, tall, long-haired, beautiful woman, and 22 years younger than me. She was able to convince two Ph.D. psychologists that she has no mental illness. But she is a highly-skilled manipulator, and her comfort with deceit is terrifying. She plays the victim effortlessly. My fight was with her, her bipolar/BPD mother, and her true-believer, radical feminist, man-hating, racially-biased Legal Aid attorney. Here are some of the things that she, with the assistance of her mother and attorney, did:

— abducted my son across state lines, twice, once at 6 months of age, a second time when he was 2 y.o.;

— forwarded my personal US mail, including correspondence from my attorney, to her parent’s PO Box, then refused to return my mail;

— stripped my home of over $100,000 in belongings — art work, Persian rugs, etc., going so far as to remove light and shower fixtures;

— hacked into my web-based email accounts;

— intercepted privileged emails between myself and my attorney;

— fabricated threatening emails to her from me, after hacking into my email account;

— submitted fabricated evidence to the court;

— suppressed out-of-state police reports during the restraining order hearing;

— filed false police reports against me;

— filed false reports of child abuse with CPS and the police against me;

— had a girlfriend of hers send a letter to the custody evaluator accusing me of being an ex-felon and running an internet child pornography ring;

— hacked into my (formerly) secure FTP site where I stored all my case notes;

— and the worst: she and her mom programmed my son’s 8-y.o. maternal half-sister into making false allegations that I had sexually abused her, the little girl, by using a recording device to help her practice her sex abuse “story”, a story containing explicit, graphic descriptions of deviant sexual acts.

We were fortunate to have an incredibly insightful and committed jurist as our trier of fact. She found my ex to be not credible, to have made false allegations of abuse against her and the children, and to have committed child abuse by sponsoring her daughter to make false allegations of sex abuse against me. The judge ruled from the bench, and also wrote out detailed findings of fact, providing me hard copy documentation to provide to authorities the next time this unhealthy woman and her family make false allegations against me. We also had a very professional and unbiased custody evaluator.

I’m writing a detailed analysis of my experience, including my view of what seemed to contribute to our success in court. It’s in part a case study of [BPD] across three generations of women — the ex-wife, her mother, and her 8-y.o. daughter, and in part a case study of a successful legal strategy for litigating against an ill-intentioned BPD family and their true-believer attorney.

~SingleHWNDad

SingleHWNDad,

What an incredible, but believable story. I hope that when you complete your analysis, you write a book or publish your findings… and send me a copy!

We hope and pray that you and your son can heal and grow after the experiences. Always remain on guard.

Sincerely,
DW & LM

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Feedback: The Help You Have Given Me

LM,

I was not married to someone with BPD, I was raised by someone with BPD. When I was 21 she was finally diagnosed with depression and about 6 years ago was diagnosed BPD. She is taking medication for the depression, but refuses the therapy. So the BPD is still present in every interaction that we have.

All of my life I knew there was something wrong. Never did we have a rational conversation without her yelling or crying or trying to make me feel guilty about ruining her life. It was very difficult. I was lucky that I had my father who was always quiet and rational. He helped me to see that her behavior wasn’t normal. He helped me to build up emotional defenses against her attacks. He taught me how to distance myself from her emotionally and helped me keep the damage minimal. I hope that your time with your kids is as beneficial to them.

I still deal with her on a daily basis, and had always struggled to do so, until I found your site. The IM’s are so similar to what I go through, the strange direction that every conversation takes. Many of our conversations now, (I’m 36) lead back to what I did when I was 14, and how evil I am. This site has helped me see the pattern. I now understand when the first sign of an attack is coming and I know then that it is time to go home, or hang up the phone. I have learned so much from this web-site about minimal contact, and steering the conversation, and cutting off communication if the conversation starts down the wrong path. I will forever be grateful for this site.

Everyday I think about showing my Dad the web-site, because I know how he would relate to it, but for now, we don’t speak of her illness. He has been walking on egg shells for 40 years and the prospect of change scares him. It is just a silent understanding that we have and maybe just a quick “you know how your mom is” comment that we use to reassure each other and build each other up. Maybe one day I will be brave enough to send him to your site, but until then, I will just continue to use what you teach me and to remember that I am not alone.

Once again, thank you!

TB

You’re so very welcome. Thanks for the positive feedback.

~LM & DW

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Could It Be Borderline Personality Disorder?

Borderline Personality Disorder – Information for the Family

The following 9-minute video, produced by my friends over at BPDFamily.Com, manages to capture the essence of the experiences when in a relationship of any kind with someone suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder.

It is estimated that there are 6-10 million husbands, wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, and children affected by Borderline Personality Disorder. Few know or are in treatment. When you don’t know, much like I didn’t, the trauma can be long-lasting and dramatically affect your life. Confusion, guilt, helplessness, among other experiences tend to pervade your lives. You will likely question your own sanity.

As you struggle to do everything you can within reason to get to the bottom of and cure your relationship of the never-ending chaos, the non-BPD can alter their entire personality to try to “keep the peace.” There is a term for this: walking on eggshells.

The main trait of borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a pervasive pattern of instability in interpersonal relationships, self-image and emotions. Watch and learn more:

If your loved one suffers from or you suspect may suffer from borderline personality disorder, I strongly recommend that you go ahead – visit and register at BPDFamily.Com and be sure to check out the article “Are You In a Relationship With a Borderline“.

Our 30,000 members are dedicated to support individuals and families with loved-ones affected by Borderline Personality Disorder as they journey through recovery, therapy, and self analysis.

Their website was instrumental in helping me to discover and understand just with whom I was dealing. A great many recommendations from long-standing members, even newbies, I employ today in order to manage my interactions with PEW. My only wish was that I had discovered them (and information & understanding about BPD) about 12-years ago.

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The Day I (Almost) Finally Block Her From Instant Messenger

My brother had been struggling with some issues. Pressures at work. Pressures at home. New (first) child. It was all getting to be a bit overwhelming for him. So, he sought me out and we talked about things periodically. I always spoke very frankly with him about how certain situations were being handled and how he could do some things differently to take some pressure off of himself.

Even as I look back, proud that he would seek me out for assistance (without knowing much about my own “secret trials and tribulations”), I know I was instrumental in helping him get himself back on track.

In any event, I never shared details with PEW, just some very broad generalizations. I certainly knew better than to give her anything at this point that she would later mock or otherwise jam up my rear-end. It happens. Even as vague and general as I was about it – you could see that it was used against me in this email from psycho-SIL. It was always a risk to share anything with the PEW that one might expect spouses to share with one another. The PEW could make anything into something it wasn’t.

This IMversation was her query about the previous meeting between me and my brother.

PEW: do you think you could pick up S1 today
LM: Probably. Yes, I can.
PEW: have you talked to CAM anymore
LM: Not today
PEW: S2 isn’t feeling good
LM: oh? They both had rosey cheeks last night… but i thought it was from the hot bath.
PEW: that’s why i was asking if you could pick up S1. nah…he’s all flushed again. says he has diarhea
LM: lol
PEW: even thouth he does. doesn’t
LM: I so love talking to him.
PEW: i meant
LM: About “stuff” – They were both excellent last night. Got baths with hair wash.
PEW: good
LM: S1 did himself… hair and everything without my help (except a hair rinse)…
PEW: great. well i had an awful night. i got kicked punched, spat on, my finger bent back, scratched. CAM ought to live my life for a few weeks…..then he’ll see what despair is
LM: Everyone’s problems are most serious to them. It’s not really fair to compare.
PEW: it’s so ironic how empathetic you are though when it comes to your brother…..but with me……you say…I have it great i’m so lucky
LM: I’m empathetic to both situations. And I don’t say you have it “great” – I said that you don’t appreciate what you have. I think my brother is being a moron. Did you overlook that part? All I do is understand that he is under a lot of pressure… both real and imagined… and he is handling it inappropriately. How is that different from my assessment of our situation? It’s exact, in fact.
PEW: well, the difference between me and CAM is that….I’ve done counseling…I’ve done therapy, I take medication…..I’ve tried everything….so I’m really sure that me and my spouse are not compatible….
PEW: and there’s no comparing you and [CAM’s wife].
LM: I didn’t compare me and [CAM’s wife].
PEW: I know. I am though
LM: I’m sure you’d prefer a lapdog who would cowtow to your every demand. But if that doesn’t make CAM happy, I’m sure it wouldn’t make you happy either.
PEW: no….i wouldn’t….something in between would be nice
LM: You have something in-between. You just don’t care to realize it. Because nothing is every enough for you.
PEW: oh for God’s sake????
LM: Bye.
PEW: are you even serious

It only took me many, many years to finally wise-up! It was February 3rd, 2004. The irony of it all is that, unbeknownst to me, she had actually filed for divorce at this point and I hadn’t yet been served. Still, she deceptively talks as if nothing has taken place. It’s another perfect ambush in a long history of ambushes.

As I look at this now, compared to any number of other discussions which were far more vicious, it’s strange that this seemingly simple one was “the one” that brought an end to the IM battles. Of course, that only meant that they would be taken to email. Notice how she completely dismisses the struggles my brother was facing only to redirect things on how awful her life was and how troublesome it was dealing with the children. No surprise there.

LM,

That’s beautiful…I love when you cut me off mid sentance. If you can’t do it in person, you’ll do via IM. Don’t forget to pick up S1. S2 is sick.

I won’t forget the things you’ve said to me over the past few months. Not ever. LM, I had a terrible childhood. I was emotionally traumatized by my parents marital problems and my Dad’s drinking. Then I grew up and married….an alcoholic, divorced him…..then married you, who before we even got married was intimidating me everytime I had an issue with something I needed to hash out with you. It always wound up with you scaring the shit out of me by screaming in my face. I’ll never forgive you for that. And I’ll never forgive you for putting your hands on me. You can say what you want…..I called you a name, so you screamed in my face. I hit you first, so you hit me. The fact remains that you preyed on me because I was vulnerable. You thought I would put up with your shit….and I did, for longer than I cared to. I thought we were recommitted to each other when we went to counseling. But when you said the things you said about “deserving” a bike and you’ve done “great” things for me. I’ll tell you what goes though my head. The trauma of being screamed at and belittled, interrupted continually, and you constantly losing your temper, not being able to have a human conversation. Who owes who here? If you want me to stick around with you….you do need to self sacrafice for quite awhile. I’m not going to live with your abuse anymore. I’m over it.

You are vindictive so you’ll force me to stay with you and change nothing, just like you have for the past ten years. My heart has been broken enough times already.

We’ll always be friends I hope, because honestly I pity you. If only you put a little effort forth in this relationship. I’m certainly not going to stick around for 10 more years of bullshit though. Don’t bet on it.

PEW

I’m already on the record as saying that when confronted by her constant barrage of accusations and demoralizing insults and high volume in her own right, I would respond angrily – loud. Who wouldn’t? This happens when people argue. However, it always was embellished into this “screaming in her face” situation which wasn’t the case. I had already paid a price on several previous occasions by being within arm’s length and leg’s length when in an argument. There was too great a risk of danger with “screaming in her face” as she would have you believe I did.

Most of what she writes above is, again, pure projection. Before we were married, she’d fight like a maniac. She’d abandon me at social events due to some perceived slight or the feeling that I wasn’t paying her enough attention. She’d left the house many times, even in those first 2-years. She constantly criticized, name-called, belittled, insulted, etc.

– As for her first marriage, I have no reason to believe that any of what she had told me about it was true. I once considered contacting her first husband, but never followed-through. I figured, had he experienced 1/10th of what I did, the last thing he probably wanted was to be reminded about it.

– I “forced” her to stay with me. No, I didn’t. She was free to leave and/or divorce anytime she wanted to. She just never pulled the trigger (until now).

– NOTICE: “I called you a name first.” “I hit you first.” This was an email that made it to court to contradict a few of the lengthy list of accusations I have faced.

– Again, it’s about “owing” her. As if I hadn’t already sacrificed a ton for her and her family for that matter, I needed to sacrifice more. How dare I mention all of the great things I’ve provided for her and our family? How dare I mention going above and beyond what many people would do in order to help out some of her siblings in times of crisis?

– She thought we recommitted to each other? When was that? I don’t think she ever lasted more than 3 appointments at any one of the FIVE counselors we saw over the course of our relationship. More of the re-written history conjured up by the borderline personality’s mind.

– The only predator in this relationship was her. Shame on me for getting involved so quickly after the demise of my short-lived first marriage.

– She pities me and wants to remain friends. Freak.

PEW,

I blocked you because you are back into the habit of ambushing me at work, which I told you I will no longer allow. I am also done with your embellished, if not outright fabricated version of reality.

Since you cannot talk to me without spewing your viperous insults, I will no longer “discuss” any issue with you. If you have something you wish to discuss, please write it down as the counselor instructed, and I will write a response provided it is something that is ancient history or has otherwise been hashed out.

If you include your usual round of insults in your writing, I will not respond.

I’m sorry if that bothers you, but I cannot allow you to continue your barrages while I am at work. You can’t stay on topic when we try to discuss it. Your history (and today) demonstrate that you cannot do it rationally via instant-messenger. Therefore, you can type it up or handwrite it and I will read and respond as appropriate.

The days of the knock-down drag-out are over.

~LM

Well, they weren’t really over, but they would certainly be minimized, even though that would take several more years and learning about low-contact and no-contact methods.

LM,

you are the one who is not in touch with reality. My days of counseling are over. As for Instant Messenger I don’t need to talk to you anyway. I have no desire to discuss our relationship because we don’t have one aside from the kids. I didn’t say anything that wasn’t true and that didn’t happen. Don’t be suprised if you come home some day and I’m gone….that’s all I’m telling you.

~PEW

I guess that was the warning. Truth be told, during face-to-face discussions and debates that were occurring over the Christmas holidays, I strongly suspected that this would be the time she might follow through. Between the aberrations in the finances and her running up the credit cards and lying about her income – I started to get the feeling. As unprepared as I was despite my suspicions, I did take a few steps in preparation, but those efforts were very small in the overall scheme of things and what was to come.

(She would register and a new AIM-name and I would continue to engage her for a few months more.)

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Wishing She Could Let Mom & Dad Care for Her

Yeah, I know… again with the “I’m having a breakdown” cry. Despite being a regular occurrence, many of which were documented – I remind you that these and her suicide threats didn’t concern custody-evaluator-3 in terms of PEW’s ability to be a parent to the children.

PEW: are you going to the post office at lunch
LM: yes, You?
PEW: no, [my SIL] was wondering if you could take something for her
LM: yes
PEW: ok. OMG…..i can’t take it when S2 whines. first he poked himself in the eye. are you there?
LM: yes. I’m starving. lol
PEW: sorry i know you’re busy…..but I gotta tell ya……
LM: Just type. I’m reading.
PEW: i feel like i’m having a breakdown or something
LM: oh dear.
PEW: between the dreams and feeling just very nervous and anxious and the whining….and us fighting…….i feel so overwhelmed. and work…….
LM: I wish I knew what to tell you.
PEW: me too because i feel very alone. i wish i could go home and let my mom and dad take care of me for awhile
LM: Why don’t you go down the shore or something for a weekend. Take a break.
PEW: when, i have work
LM: What’s more important?
PEW: being alone isn’t going to help me feel better or less anxious, our anniversary is this weekend and we’re not even “together”, going away isn’t going to solve anything
LM: ok

Well, at least this was a short one, right?

I can’t help but think to myself, if I poked myself in the eye today, I would whine like a 2-year old.

Additional thoughts – that not only was PEW incapable of recognizing just how serious a problem she has, but no one around her had the ability to either recognize the depth of her issues or gave enough of a crap about them to see to it that perhaps she got some real help. Of course, given the pathology that is rooted in her own family, it probably is a bit much to have expected.

Also, this is a prelude to another holiday season. It’s the week before Thanksgiving in 2003.

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I’m Gonna Tell My Dad!

On September 25th, 2003, PEW starts a fight about me allegedly being selfish. She against describes “having a breakdown.” She demanded that I cancel plans to have some of my family over to celebrate S1’s birthday. She demanded this not because anyone was sick, but because she didn’t like me talking to one of my brothers about motorcycles. She closes by threatening to leave again and, of course, take the kids with her.

PEW: i’m having a freakin breakdown
LM: Whassa matter?
PEW: everything. cancel tomorrow night. i’m not up for it. and S1 is sick
LM: ok. Why don’t you and J.. go out or something? That way, if he’s feeling better, I can still have them over?
PEW: you’re such a selfish bastard i’m so sick of this

Okay. I can handle having people over without her being there. I even suggest that she go out with a friend – no problem. This makes me selfish.

LM: What are you talking about?
PEW: it’s all about you. always
LM: Ah, the dreaded AIM attack.
PEW: whatever, well I’ll hold the rest till you come home at lunch
LM: I’m really sorry I can’t get home.
PEW: kiss my ass
LM: Amazing your mood swings again. 3 days ago… pissed off miserable. Last two days… happy and funny. Today… pissed off miserable. Unreal. All because I can just up and walk out of work today.
PEW: talk about mood swings. you’re the king of that shit. at least I have a reason. i have actual stress
LM: If you say so.
PEW: you act like it’s news that i’m sick of this. that i’m sick of you
LM: How is it you go from wanting a divorce 3 days ago… To lovey dovey kissy face hiney pinch the last two days… To, freak out on LM again today? That’s mood swings. I never do that to you. Never.
PEW: because I pray that you’ll be different…then you just prove how selfish you are again and again selfish to the core
LM: Selfish how? Because I can’t leave work?
PEW: worried about motorcycles and having your brothers over…. you don’t give a rats ass about what I have going on
LM: I’m not worried about motorcycles.
PEW: as usual, bull
LM: Hey, it’s okay that you can drop and go to your family’s whenever.
PEW: you can drop and go to your family anytime too….you’re just too lazy to
LM: I want to have my family over to wish S1 a happy birthday… and you want to put the kibosh on it… and have the NERVE to say I”M selfish. And it’s about ME. Hysterical.
PEW: HE”S SICK, ass
LM: How many times have you taken the boys out “sick” PEW?
PEW: I have to take an exam tomorrow. the only ones left coming are CAM and [wife].

This wasn’t a big production we’re talking about here. When the original cook-out was planned, several of the boys’ Uncles were out of town and couldn’t attend. So, I asked a couple of them over for some coffee and cake – a short visit to wish S1 a happy birthday and see his cousins. This was really no big deal, but as with most things – it was apparently a set of catastrophic circumstances with which the PEW was unprepared to handle like an adult.

LM: S2 was sick when you took him last night?
PEW: do you really think they want [niece] to be around sickness
LM: How about when you took him down your parents Tuesday night?
PEW: yeah because there are no children there
LM: Ohhhh… so it’s not about his being sick… it’s about other children now? I see. It’s about you. Not being there. Isn’t it? You have something to do.

Ah, yes – the “do as I say, not as I do” edict. So, here she is claiming that S1 is sick and that he shouldn’t go out. We shouldn’t have visitors. Well, I ask her about her going to her families and other places with the children when they’re sick. That’s okay, according to her. Having my brother, his wife, and my niece over to wish S1 a happy birthday apparently was not proper protocol.

PEW: what are you talking about. like what?
LM: You wanted me to cancel because you have to go take your test. Now, S1 has a red throat, and you conveniently have a different excuse.
PEW: I have to take the test before 4
LM: I see.
PEW: it doesn’t impact people being over
LM: Okay.
PEW: but this isn’t about his birthday. he had a birthday celebration. so it’s not about him…..
LM: It is about him. Was CAM and [wife] there? MJM and [wife]?
PEW: and we know you don’t care that I’m stressed and don’t feel like cleaning
LM: What party did we have for him?
PEW: MJM and [wife] can’t come
LM: Oh… that’s right… YOUR family.
PEW: that’s not my fault. you’re family couldn’t be here on his birthday
LM: I want to invite my family over, and can’t… because YOU don’t want it.

Borderlines like to isolate their targets from everyone that means anything to them. Friends, family, children… if it isn’t all about them – it’s just wrong. This demonstrates that tactic which PEW used often.

PEW: no S1 is SICK and I have a night off
LM: Well, I’ll let CAM and [wife] decide.
PEW: I don’t feel like entertaining
LM: Go out if you don’t want to be there. Go visit your mom. Go visit your sister.
PEW: fuck you
LM: Go out with J… 3 times I’ve rescheduled this thing.
PEW: i’m waiting to talk to my Dad. I think I am moving back home with the kids you can’t stop me
LM: No you’re not. Watch me.
PEW: a judge will decide not you
LM: ok

There I go being selfish again. If you don’t want to entertain – go out. See a friend. Go relax somewhere. I’ll take care of everything. Of course, this was simply about inconveniencing me and isolating me (and the kids) from my side of the family.

PEW: so anyway……. I can’t help the fact that I have to work
LM: I know. Really. I do.
PEW: well when I start working full time, what are you going to do? I mean it can’t always be me? does anyone else have small children there? what do they do? the ones who’s wives work
LM: I don’t know. Daycare? I don’t really concern myself with what other people do.
PEW: well i’m asking because it seems like lately your just like oh well PEW, it’s your problem
LM: It’s not “your problem.” It’s our problem. Is it your expectation that, if we can’t get coverage in a situation like this, I should call out?
PEW: i’m not asking you to call out……i’m saying I called out on Tues…. I had to take S2 to the dentist with me and to the therapist. I have a test tomorrow at [the college] that I have no coverage for….. a meeting with [boss] monday…..no coverage…… and today I took S2 with me to the chiropracter last week…….and the dentist and the doctors. do you ever have to do that? sometimes I gotta have both kids with me
LM: Look, I know you can’t do it for everything… but the first thing I do is try to set my appointment at times that I don’t have to worry about that. I make Dentist appts. before work. I make Dr. appts. over lunch. Or after work. Or on the weekends.
PEW: yeah me too…..but I work at night and on the weekends. you have no idea do you?
LM: I do.
PEW: just that you would say that…..tells me that you don’t. I work almost all saturdays
LM: Do you have to work “all Saturdays?”
PEW: and 2-3 nights during the week. if I want money. yeah i do
LM: That’s not what I asked. No, you don’t. You don’t HAVE to work all Saturdays.
PEW: well i certainly can’t pick up more days during the week in lieu of saturdays
LM: You can make appts. over lunch time when I can be home… and sneak out a little early and go back a little late.
PEW: then I wind up with this situation. the kids get sick…..SIL can’t babysit…….i’m screwed
LM: If you have to make a Drs. appt. – then what you can pick up shouldn’t be that important.
PEW: well i make my schedule a month a head of time
LM: If the kids get sick, and we can’t get a babysitter… work is going to have to allow you to come in two hours late. Until I get home.
PEW: that’s not always possible. i’ve done that several times already. your work is going to have to let you leave early
LM: No, it isn’t.

PEW is the master at putting herself in the position of being put-out. She is the master of victimhood. Even when faced with simple, logical, convenient ways to handle her regular “impositions” – she simply cannot accept them. Only making adjustments to suit her ever-changing demands which are most inconvenient for me and, at the time, potentially put the job at risk – are the solutions she wants. Leave work when I say. Go when I say. When I say “jump” – you say “how high.” Simple, logical solutions which put the onus on her to plan appropriately and when I could most easily accommodate those scheduling glitches were simply not doable.

For me, the choice was simple and I held my ground:

1 – Take the children with you when you have to do these things.

2 – Go when I can most easily be able to be there to accommodate them, like I do, with the fewest exceptions.

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