So I Don’t Have to be the Bad Guy…

The wait for the reply is over. At least initially, I was pleasantly surprised and prepared to say, “I was wrong, she came back with a reply that was civil and cooperative.” She did. Unfortunately, it wasn’t long before the backslide began and old habits reared their ugly head. The old habit? An inability to just step up and “be the parent.” So, without much further adieu – the reply regarding yesterday’s request for extra time with the children.

LM,

Actually, camp ends on the 15th for the summer. I had arranged to have my friend T——‘s nephew (a teenager) watch them that week, which is fine if you’re working up here and you want to leave them with him during the day at my house and just pick them up after you get done work that’s fine too.

I think it’s only fair that I let you have them early if you want this week since you did that for me when I wanted to go away. Are you guys going somewhere?

~PEW

A couple of things are interesting in this response. That is… aside from the apparent cooperation.

The first – the irony that she has a “teenager” prepared to babysit the children. This is another one of those examples where her rules don’t apply to her, just everyone else. Of course, the first thing I remember is her outrage that I had not one, but TWO very responsible 16-year olds watch the boys for a few hours on New Year’s Eve while DW and I attended a community event. So, it’s okay for her to do that (all day long while she is at work for a full week), but not okay for me to do it for a few hours. She made mention of it in this rant about her safety concerns.

The second – this is a violation of the court order. The childcare provision of our agreement was born of a couple of issues. #1 – her repeatedly pulling the children out of agreed-upon childcare and placing them with friends while pocketing my portion of the childcare expenses. (She was ultimately found in contempt-of-court on that issue.) #2 – Her objections over my early use of a nanny (who happened to be licensed and certified). In order to avoid any more problems, a provision regarding childcare requires:

7 – Childcare: During the school year, the children are to be enrolled in aftercare associated with the school they attend preferably. If not, another licensed daycare facility is permitted as agreed upon in writing by both parties. During the summer period, the children are to be enrolled in a licensed daycare facility, summer camp, or certified nanny as agreed upon in writing by both parties.

So much for her alleged safety concerns and at least she remains consistent in not following court orders. Still, I am pleased with the apparent cooperation!

Well, it didn’t last long. The initial response consititutes an “agreed upon change in writing between both parties.” See my post The Greatest Custody Order/Agreement Clause post. I wrote back:

PEW,

Thanks. If you have day coverage, that would make it MUCH easier. I can cover you on the 20th & 21st. No specific plans, just wanted to have two full weekend days to do stuff. Beach. Bike training. Whatever else we can think of.

~LM

Not long after my agreement to do both, comes the change via text and then email.

Text message 1 from PEW:

The boys freaked when I said they were getting pu early they said that ur not going anywhere.

Text message 2 from PEW:

Can we do it on a weekend u have something special so I don’t have to be a bad guy?

Email from PEW:

LM,

would you like to try to talk to them about this weekend? I felt really bad because they said they feel like they don’t get to spend enough time with me.

~PEW

It was nice while it lasted. It’s astounding, given how many times I’ve been deliberately put into the position of “bad guy” because she didn’t want to parent, discipline, explain appropriately, etc. because of her. This link explains it pretty well: Why Our Sons Will Struggle with Discipline. It is one of many examples sprinkled throughout this blog. Here she is, incapable of taking advantage of a perfect opportunity to explain to the children that mom and dad are cooperating and put down their clear attempt to manipulate the situation. Again, I will not bail her out.

PEW,

No, not particularly. What I would like is for you to tell them that we’ve made a schedule adjustment, as I have for you in the past and it would be nice to just spend a weekend doing things instead of spending one of the days interrupted by an exchange.

What I won’t do is get into a situation where they’re manipulating the situation into that one of us (whether it is you or me) have some “expectation” that something “special” needs to be done for them… on their terms. An explanation that we’re cooperating with one another for a change is all the reason that they need.

~LM

At this point, I’m not sure that the early pick-up this week is going to happen. Of course, that will be another violation of the custody order and the question becomes, do I point that out and go pick up the children anyway? We know that will only escalate the situation, but I am well within my rights to do just that. Of course, it will be met with the flaming email barrage which will be ignored.

In any event…

LM,

Fine. I’ll talk to them. As for the 20th and 21st, I just need you to take them overnight on the 20th. I’ll be coming home thursday night around 7 or 8ish, so I’ll just have someone watch them till I get home. On Friday morning I’m going to take them to [parent’s vacation home] for the weekend, so just confirm, ok?

I also wanted to talk to you about school supplies. I have lists and I am wondering if you will split the cost with me this year because I am broke, as you know?

~PEW

Aren’t we all? In the same breath that she informs me she is taking off from work to drive several hours for a weekend vacation – she’s telling me to split the school supplies because she’s broke. Did you catch that?

PEW,

I’m confirming everything with one exception. I’ll pick them [up] on Thursday and take them home and feed them and we can arrange to exchange as you get closer to home.

Email me the school supplies list.

~LM

Fine LM. I have the lists at home, I’ll try to remember to bring them tomorrow.

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Mark It Down – We Have a Civil Discussion

Monday morning (5/5), I receive the following email from PEW:

LM,

I meant to ask the boys….particularly S2 about what Mr. Neighbor said to him outside yesterday. I’m not sure if he said anything to S1, but there was more arguing and fighting between the kids this weekend and I thought I heard Mr. Neighbor say to the boys that “you don’t want Dad to get involved if you’re messing with my kids” If he said what I think he said, I’m going to go ballistic on him. The kids argue and I generally just send them home and I don’t get involved with the petty details of why they were fighting in the first place and they spend ALOT of time over here. So I was going to say, if you have a problem with my children you don’t talk to them, you talk to me. I am so pissed off I wish I remembered to ask the boys about that. Can you see what they say to you about it?

~PEW

It’s been a while since I spoke of her next-door neighbors. These are the ones with two boys the same age as ours. The older one, we’ll call him “Joker” – is about as scary a boy of 9-years old can be. He’s got “that look” in his eye that I didn’t like the moment I first saw him. This is the kid with a toy-gun arsenal that would impress a branch of our armed-forces. The one who used to shoot me to death if he was outside and I was doing an exchange at her house (back when I had to do that). This is the kid who’s father bought him several bb-guns. This same child has apparently shot S1 and S2 on several occasions, which I didn’t find out until far too much time had passed to actually do anything about it. Their latest purchase for their scary oldest son – a cross-bow. A real, true to life, powerful and deadly cross-bow. Just what I needed to hear.

Long story shortened, I’ve given the boys practical advice regarding these two “friends.” When they act up, go home. If you see the guns or the cross-bow leave the house – go home. Tell mom to call the police and insist that the police confiscate them.

This communication from PEW gave me the opportunity to discuss the matter with her. The email was followed by an early morning phone call and I called her back about 10:00AM to find out what the situation was. This was an “urgent matter pertaining to the children.”

Apparently, all of the kids have been fighting and arguing incessantly for some time. Unsurprisingly, PEW doesn’t know how to manage such situations. Some of the weekend highlights included:

– Finally breaking down and when the neighbor kids got out of control, told them to leave. “Joker” would not leave. Sat down, put his feet up on the table, and just stayed despite her repeated pleas to leave the house and get home.

– After said ejection, both boys, Joker and his younger brother we’ll call “Goblin,” began an incessant “knock-knock zoom-zoom” effort. (Ringing the door bell and running.)

– They created and held up graphic signs indicating the S1 and S2 should “suck their…”

– Apparently, her “wonderful neighbors” recently had a new baby and they don’t spend a whole lot of time with the older two… not that I believed that they’ve been all that great at parenting them before the newborn. According to PEW, she allows them to run wild, and the first place they typically run is her house and “she doesn’t know how to handle it.”

– Joker and Goblin regularly barge into PEW’s home uninvited, but according to the boys, she never really does anything about it and expects them to play with Joker and Goblin – even when they really don’t want to.

– They dumped trash on her porch after being ejected.

Still, PEW did nothing except tell the boys to stop looking out the window. As she would tell it, by the time she was compelled to call next door, one or both parents had taken care of it.

So, without blaming her for history, I reminded her of my concerns regarding Joker and Goblin going way back. I expressed deep disappointment at the bb-gun incidents, but since it was water under the bridge, we would decide how to handle it going forward. We spoke of our mutual fear regarding the addition of a real-life cross-bow to Joker’s aresenal.

What was the real purpose of her call? She wanted ME to call the neighbors and address the issues with them.

I told her that while I sympathized with her situation, there was simply no way I was going to get involved in her disagreements with her neighbors. That was her situation to handle and I would not be injecting myself into it unless something happened that warranted my intervention – and that intervention would involve the police. In the interim, it was her responsibility to address the situation with her neighbors. She even tried to play the “I’m a woman” card, telling me that she thinks that Mr. Neighbor (allegedly) said what he said because she’s a woman and figured that there was no man there to challenge him. For that reason, I should come down there and do something about it. Well, Mr. Neighbor is about the size of a racehorse jockey and probably intimidates few. Further, PEW isn’t the size of a racehorse jockey and could probably take him if it ever got physical. Her neighbors, her issue with which to deal.

My suggestions to her were as follows:

– If the children come over uninvited, ask them to leave once. Then call the parents to come retrieve their children and remind them to teach them respect for their neighbor’s home.

– Call Mr. and Mrs. Neighbor and tell them their children are no longer welcome at your home for “a while.” A month. The summer. I don’t care. The boys don’t like them. We all fear them. They’re not welcome.

– Express your feelings regarding Joker being in possession of bb-guns and now a cross-bow.

– THE BIGGIE: If you or the children ever see the bb-guns or the cross-bow ever come out of your neighbor’s house, call the police. I don’t care if you have to LIE and tell the cops the child pointed it at you. Call the police, get them there, and insist that they confiscate the weapons.

– I told her AND more important, S1 and S2 – if they see those weapons again, they are to call me right away.

I didn’t put any blame on her. I didn’t tell her that this should have been addressed a long time ago. I simply made suggestions how she might want to handle things going forward, even if it meant the neighbors didn’t like her. The boys deserve that protection from these two tyrants and their disinterested parents.

She listened and not for even an instant did she deviate from the discussion. She thanked me at the end of our conversation. Soon thereafter, I received the following email:

LM,

Thanks for letting me vent this morning. I spoke to Mrs. Neighbor and told her what I thought I heard. I told her I think the kids need to take a break from each other for a while. She was fine with that and agreed that they’ve been fighting alot. We’ll see after a few weeks.

I agree with you about the crossbow. it’s supposed to be put away unless he’s supervised.

~PEW

I’m guessing she soft-shoed it, which isn’t something I would have done, particularly given the history with the bb-guns and all the other outrageous behavior I’ve heard about from the boys. BUT… at least she took some action and hopefully the appearance of putting her foot down is a start.

My reply to the above:

PEW,

It was an urgent matter pertaining to the children. Given the stories I’ve heard, I’m concerned about their safety, particularly with regard to the bb-guns and now the cross-bow.

I pray that if you ever see them out in the open with those weapons, you’ll call the police. Joker clearly cannot handle such responsibility and his level of “supervision” is obviously seriously lacking. I just told the boys when they told me the stories about getting shot… if they’re out with weapons – you go inside… period. Tell mom. She’ll take action.

Please let me know about anything involving Joker and his “arsenal.” There is a lot of risk there.

I’ll let you know what their version of events is tonight. I think the “break” was the right thing to do. Here’s hoping Mr. Neighbor is made abundantly clear about the arrangement by Mrs. Neighbor.

~LM

I spoke to the boys after school and neither of them have any recollection of Mr. Neighbor saying anything to them, let alone what PEW believes she heard from her front porch. No big deal to me, mind you, the situation needed to be addressed regardless.

LM,

Mrs. Neighbor says, he doesn’t have any bb’s and the bow is away. If that changes I will certainly take action. She agreed that they need the break too. She also assured me that she was going to talk to Mr. Neighbor about the way he handled it. I’ll wait to hear from you about what the boys say.

~PEW

So, it appears for now that we’re all clear about how things are going to be going forward. I was certain that when I refused to “be the bad guy” on her behalf, that would be the end of the discussion, but she (for now) took it in stride. I don’t want to have to “wait” until something more serious happens (like another bb-gun attack or a cross-bow mishap) – but given how I’m likely portrayed in that neighborhood anyway, the LAST thing I need to be doing is strolling on into that clusterflod and being the big, bad concerned father who will then fit exactly what she has described to them.

Her neighbors. Her problem. She needs to deal with it. And if something like the bb-gun incident happens ever again and I hear about it – they’ll all pay a very steep price. Hopefully, it won’t be because one of the boys lost an eye or was found in the driveway with an arrow sticking out of his chest.

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