Food-Stamps for Cash Program

An early threatening email from Psycho-SIL.

When PP was unemployed and exploiting every system she could, she managed to convince the PEW to act as an ATM-machine, trading the food-stamps she was on in exchange for cash. I thought that it was going to be a one-time deal, but apparently it was going on for a while. She’d get $100 or so in food stamps and trade them to PEW in exchange for $80 in cash. Given her substance abuse issues, suicide issues, etc. – this was obviously a horrible, horrible idea.

One day while at work, I was called by PEW to stop and get “her” some cash on the way home. This was right around Thanksgiving 2002. Between craziness at work, getting stuck late, etc. – I had forgotten. Nevermind that PEW could have rolled out to a nearby ATM at any time on her own.

When I arrived without the cash, the gig was exposed and I expressed the finality of my horror at the implications for PP’s health and well-being. Of course, PEW had all kinds of excuses and justifications for “helping” her sister. PEW had a meltdown, but I didn’t really care, I’d lock-down the account if I had to. Any involvement in our lives from PP was way too much for me. Soon thereafter, I got this gem in my work email…

LM,

I just wanted to respond to your accusations about my character. Despite my troubles over the years, I have yet to defraud or steal from my family.

The reason I was willing to “lose” $80.00 on the food deal was because I know what a cheap person you are and that you would make PEW’s life hell if she helped me out for anything that wasn’t a landslide deal for you guys. As for why I didn’t get anything at Walmart that I needed, you were supposed to be bringing the money home with you, so I figured I would go to the [drugstore] later. I needed eyebrow wax, which by the way, Walmart doesn’t carry the brand I use (surgiwax, in the microwavable tub) only [drugstore] does. Please feel free to check that out. Despite what you think of me, I don’t like taking hand-outs. I thought the deal I had offered you guys was a win-win for both parties. If you must know, I threw in a pack of condoms for $1.87 while with PEW because it was just less embarrassing to buy them with other stuff (hers that is).

Listen, I don’t think that you “forgot” to get the money, especially after being reminded twice. I mean, if it was an auction you were supposed to stop and check out, you wouldn’t have “forgot,” that, would you? I think that you didn’t like having to get the money before the food. Too bad, that’s what being ahead $80.00 get me – immediate cash. Anyway, I had pitched the idea to PEW – she was the one that said you could bring the money home that day – which I thought was great. I didn’t demand it that day. Once I thought I was going to have it though, I was relieved.

Do I think my sister is stupid? no, I think you batter her emotionally until she even starts to think in your warped way. That is why again, I had to make sure it was a win/win for you or you would use her doing me a favor to extort something that you wanted from her.

I said we could go shopping whenever PEW wanted, but for pride’s sake, I was hoping it would be at a not very busy time. PEW said she had just gone shopping so I didn’t think she’d need to go immediately. The card is good for a month. The day before Thanksgiving is a very busy day traditionally. They are after all, food-stamps – which I thought might be embarrassing to use. However, I went to the store after returning your money, minus the $18.00 I had spent, and it was pretty painless – just like using an ATM. I will get the $18.00 back to you as soon as possible. Don’t start emailing me and harassing me for it.

It’s funny, when things are important to YOU, you never forget them. When they are important to other people, you are VERY forgetful. You are a very one-sided individual and although I might get over this someday because I love my sister and my nephews, if you ever accuse me of trying to use or abuse anyone I love, if you accuse me of being that low, you will have bitten off way more than even YOU can chew.

PEW, keep other people out of this. I don’t like people knowing my business and trust me, everybody would take my side, knowing how cheap LM is. I try to be there when you guys need me – maybe it’s not money-oriented but I don’t think it’s less valuable. I’m sorry that you two trust your children with me, even your dogs, but you think I’m capable of stealing from you.

Have a nice Thanksgiving. Thanks for starting my holiday season off on an even better note.

~PP.

The sense of entitlement is apparently a genetic condition in this family.

I’m busy at work, have two children aged 4 and 1-1/2, a crisis condition in my marriage – and I forget to get the cash necessary to subsidize PP’s secret habits (whatever they were at the time) – and crazy as it is, they almost seem to make a rational argument about how wrong I am for the predicament PP is in.

Of course, I was having none of that. Sadly for you, the readers, this time-frame is one that precedes my obsessive saving of everything. I did fire off to her a reply that laid out all that I knew about her history, but don’t have the exact email:

– Embezzling funds from her well-paying, very important job.

– Stealing the identities of both her mother and her aunt (who have the same name) in order to secure loans and credit cards in their names.

– Failure to pay back PEW for things PEW bought for her without my knowledge.

– A failure to repay a few-thousand-dollars worth of loan that PEW gave her prior to our relationship.

…and a whole host of other things. She’s a liar, a thief, and a manipulator of the highest order. PP is a bully and really fancies herself as intimidating when she’s not and her threat that I will have bitten off “more than even I could chew” didn’t sit well with me. I let her know that she was a complete fraud and that the level of interjection into my life and that of my family was too much. Further, if it continued, I would make sure that she would not soon forget that she would have bitten off way more than she could chew… and that I would have no qualms about backing it up. I only wish I had a copy of it to share the details.

This email consists of nothing you haven’t already seen before in terms of projection, denial, lies, refusal to accept responsibility, and a lofty sense of entitlement.

Other weirdities:

– Why so much detail on her eyebrow wax and condoms? TMI!

– Of all of the households on her side of the family, ours (despite PEW) was the most financially successful. Nice house. Nice cars. Decent furniture. The term “cheap” epitomized the entirety of her family.

– One thing that was very clear is that I was never comfortable with her watching the children and probably wasn’t all that comfortable with her even watching the dogs!

– Yes, she thought her sister was/is stupid. It’s why, like the leech that she is, she attaches herself to those she can slowly suck the blood (money) from. PEW’s need for acceptance (from others) overrode her common sense often.

One final thought… if “everyone is going to side with you” – that’s when you let everyone know your business.

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Childhood Sleep Aid: A Few Whacks on the Butt

Despite not being the primary part of this discussion, I couldn’t help but draw attention to this technique PEW used to get S2 to fall asleep.

The topic is really about tax preparation. I had been using a very reputable CPA firm on a referral from one of my brothers. Top-notch work. Cut-rate price. Loads of confidence and no worries. This guy left no stone unturned when it came to maximizing our benefits on the tax filings for several years. “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.” Unless you’re the psycho ex-wife.

PEW often had a habit of promising things to people first and then asking me if it was “okay” later. Unsurprisingly, this almost exclusively would occur on a topic that was going to be a major issue for me. More often than not, it was usually about Aunt PP (psycho SIL) babysitting one or both of the children. This time, it was about switching our tax preparation to one of her “oldest friends,” who, strangely enough, I hadn’t heard word-one about until he comes out of the woodwork looking for business. It’s December 30th, 2002 – so that would make it approximately the 8th-year of our relationship.

PEW: oh….i can’t wait to go to work… ball busters – wait till you hear this
LM: oh dear
PEW: nap time….I put S2 in the crib…. lay with S1…. in our room…. S2 is freaking out and freaking out….. for like 1/2 hour. so I go in and me and S1 lay in his bed…….and he’s still carrying on and on…..
PEW: well I lay him down a couple times….. then once I give him a few wacks on the butt…. and S1 gets so hysterical laughing that he gets the hiccups. i’m like…what is so funny about that….. he’s like….I don’t know…..it just looks funny. then S2 wakes up after a 1/2 hour

Now, I’m not a perfect parent, but feel as though I have strong parenting skills. The last time I checked my imaginary parenting reference manual, I saw no section which suggested that repeatedly whacking a child on the butt would aid in having said child go down for a nap more readily. It would seem to me that the stinging sensation associated with said beating would preclude the transition into a restful sleep period.

If anyone reading has a different experience with the butt-spanking sleep-aid methodology, please email me or reply here with a comment on the details.

PEW: hey, i know you were happy with the accountant but…. John is out of work right now…….do you think we could let him do our taxes……
LM: I’d prefer not. I’m not sure he is as “carefully creative” as [our CPA]. And I’m not switching on the basis of charity. Sorry.
PEW: John is great. well he’s one of my oldest friends and he’s a great accountant
LM: I’m also not fond of friends being knowledgable about my personal finances.
PEW: oh well……i guess I have no choice then
LM: I don’t know what there is to discuss. I am sympathetic to John’s plight. But we have a highly established, reputable firm which is taking care of our business.
PEW: well I don’t understand your loyalty to [CPA firm].
LM: Here it is: highly established, reputable firm which is taking care of our business.

A fairly straightforward explanation if I do say so myself. I gave the irresponsible spender and money-manager a reasonable explanation and hoped against hope that would suffice. That doesn’t work. I’ll assume, probably correctly, that she either flat-out promised “John” the business or led him to believe the switch would be a no-brainer. A failure to convince me would mean having to call back John and tell him no… keeping my interminable streak of “bad guy” going strong.

PEW: do you really think they would take better care of us than John
LM: I know I’m not like you in wanting to keep my personal finances private.
PEW: doubt it
LM: But that’s the way I am.
PEW: whatever…….our finances would be as private as they are with [our CPA] doing them. you’ve never even met john
LM: It isn’t about personality PEW. Stop badgering me because you want to help out a good friend.
PEW: no shit
LM: Please.
PEW: he’s not your friend….he’s mine
LM: I know.
PEW: so your finances would still be private
LM: PEW – the answer is no. Sorry. Your friend’s unemployment isn’t compelling enough a reason for me to switch.
PEW: well he’s been an accountant for 20 years…… he was with the same firm for 15 years….. a Jr partner
LM: You told him that you would ask me didn’t you? And now you’re going to make me out to be an asshole because I don’t want to. Is that what this is about? LM is an asshole. Sorry John. I tried. Right?
PEW: no he didn’t ask me
LM: Did you offer?
PEW: no
LM: Then I don’t know what more you want from me.
PEW: he has class not like you
LM: I appreciate his credentials. I’m not compelled to switch at this point.
PEW: i can’t stand you
LM: Good bye.
PEW: you have been such an asshole lately.

Fact is, she’s a liar on all counts.

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I’m So Fat. I’m Disgusted With Myself

Another “can’t take the kids anymore” exchange. It’s also combined with an argument about the holiday season again. After the entire pathetic discussion about not doing a big holiday Christmas Eve thing involving my family and tapering it back quite a bit, she left me twisting in the wind when I had told my family that we were pushing back the get-together to the weekend after Christmas. While in the middle of that announcement, she chimes in, “we’re not really sure.” I had enough.

PEW: AAAAHHHHRRRRGGGG
LM: uh oh. Cuteness wear off?
PEW: S2 refused to take a nap. he was freaking. i’m so fat. i’m so disgusted with myself. it’s not even funny. i’ve been eating out of anxiousness

…for the last 8-years…

LM: Super.
PEW: super?
LM: Not really. I just don’t know what you expect me to say in response. So I say something irrelevant.
PEW: i don’t expect you to say anything but try to feel a little compassion. not be judgemental
LM: ok. Not being judgmental.
PEW: now the cuteness has worn off. he was just climbing all over my fucking back and pulled my hair when he lost his balance
LM: omg
PEW: why can’t these kids leave me alone for two fucking seconds
LM: Close the door. Hey… There is a CD in the drawer of the PC. Turn the speakers on. Open and reclose the drawer. It will play. S2 will leave you alone.
PEW: well i don’t really want to spend alot of time on here……i really would like to get some things done around the house…..but they follow me from room to room……..S2 whining the whole time i can’t stand it anymore
LM: ok
PEW: did you call your aunt c….
LM: No, I’ll call tonight. Talked to my Mom to find out who called “Open House.” She said, not her… Probably Aunt R….
PEW: why don’t you want her there?
LM: No no…
PEW: i think I called it an open house when I talked to you……
LM: I just don’t want a parade. Someone is here, hang on.
PEW: you’re unbelievable. she said “I heard you have a “thing” on christmas eve”……
LM: Hang on.
PEW: no I gotta go
LM: k. He’s gone. Anyhoo… I meant… NO, I don’t mind her coming. And please don’t tell me that I’m unbelievable.
PEW: well why the inquisition about finding out who called it “open house”

Drama Queen. It wasn’t an inquisition. I was trying to make sure that whoever was expanding the roster for the get-together was clear that it was a scaled-back affair from previous years. Obviously, my paranoia was heightened in that I feared she would get pissed if it became something more than the small affair centered around the children. But then, it didn’t matter as neither side of that coin would result in anything but chaos and terror from the PEW.

LM: It wasn’t an inquisition. Look, we went from doing something Xmas eve, to doing it on the 28th. We fought over having something on the 24th.
PEW: it pisses me off that you don’t listen…..I told you she talked to Aunt R….
LM: I tell people the 28th, then you come back to me and tell me that everyone is welcome on the 24th.
PEW: i don’t give a shit if we do nothing…..I’m a busy woman. i don’t have time for your shit that’s for sure
LM: On TGiving, I say the 28th, and you stand next to me and tell people well, “you’re not sure.”
PEW: no I didn’t
LM: So, I really don’t know what the fuck is going on. Sorry if I am confused. Yes, you did.

Yes, she did. After all of the drama about scaling things back, I told my family. As I was telling my family, she chimes in, “we’re not really sure.” Ummm, yes we were really sure until the moment she opened her fat mouth again. Of course, then it instantly became my fault.

PEW: well when you figure it out let me know
LM: When YOU figure it out, you let me know.
PEW: here’s what I am doing…….
LM: I was content with US on Xmas Eve, and dinner on the 28th.
PEW: christmas eve……i’m taking S1 to mass at 6pm
LM: Everything changed, to MY surprise, at TGiving.
PEW: no it didn’t
LM: When you hedged about Saturday. Yes, you did.
PEW: what are you talking about… hedged> when?
LM: I said “Saturday,” and you stood right next to me and said, “Well, we’re not sure.” You did.
PEW: ok….well tell everyone we’re not doing anything……
LM: Then, a week ago, you tell me to tell everyone that they ARE invited over on the 24th.
PEW: i’ll be here after mass on christmas eve. i’ll have coffee. cookies. i’m tired of this with you. i’m not doing ANYTHING. not dinner…. i’m doing my own thing on christmas eve. with my children. i don’t care what you do
LM: See, that’s my point.
PEW: you’re always concerned about everyone else but me anyway
LM: That was our original message. That is the message I told everyone.
PEW: good great. i’ll see them on the 23rd
LM: But then YOU changed it.
PEW: ok well then i’ll change it again
LM: Okay.
PEW: i’m tired of everybody’s shit anyway. i’m gonna be selfish for a change
LM: For a change?!?! LOL! Whatever, PEW. Okay.

Tired of everybody’s shit? No one ever gave us any shit ever. In fact, we were often complemented as being the place that had the best parties where people felt the most comfortable. We didn’t particularly worry about where people ate and drank, we weren’t a “shoes off” household, stuff like that. EVERYONE loved to come to our house for festivities.

PEW: yeah I know it’s okay
LM: I know. I get to look like the ass and tell everyone… PEW changed her mind again. Nobody is invited over at all. Merry Christmas. Sorry for the inconvenience. You’re such an asshole.
PEW: it’s ok….because I work 25 hours a week and take care of two active little boys the rest of my time
LM: Okay. Well, I’m not taking off Monday then.
PEW: well…why don’t you fucking make dinner for YOUR family
LM: That’s fine. I’ll do that. You go somewhere else this holiday season and spare everyone your madness.

As if I had never done that before. You would think she did everything in that household.

PEW: when are we having my family over. NEVER
LM: Whenever you want.

Funny thing was that I could count on both hands how many times her family visited us at our home(s) in (at that point) 8-years. They lived the closest and rarely ever came. It’s not as though they weren’t invited from time to time. When they came, they rarely stayed long. They just couldn’t be bothered.

PEW: you make dinner…..i’ll lay around all day like you do. ok
LM: lol Yeah, that’s what I do.
PEW: why would I look forward to hosting your family when all they do is criticize anyway
LM: Stop making shit up because you’re stressed out.
PEW: i’m gonna enjoy my holiday for the first time in 8 years
LM: I know. Take a hike and let everyone else enjoy theirs, too.
PEW: i’m not making anything up
LM: Here we go with the annual “my family is evil” rant. Go on.
PEW: well after I suffer through holidays with your family……you’ll show up and start a fight at my family get together right? i have nothing to be stressed about?
LM: Nope.
PEW: thank god my parents gave me $500
LM: I didn’t start a fight.
PEW: i did
LM: Yep. You and your sister did.
PEW: yep. also….if you don’t take off monday….i’m working monday night
LM: That’s fine. You can work Monday night. Wouldn’t want you to be a hypocrite and hang out with my family anyway.

Now there’s some kind of threat! She’s threatening to leave me the hell alone! What a blessing that would be!

PEW: good…..I need the money. i’m tired of not having enough money…..I need the hours. I’m not giving up 8 hours so I can be snubbed by C…. AGAIN. bullshit
LM: ok. Hell, work 20-hours if you want. I don’t mind, really!
PEW: and you can stay home on christmas day when I go see my family….so you don’t ruin it for me again
LM: That’s fine. Are you finished?
PEW: for now
LM: I should really go to make sure nobody in your family makes fun of their character traits again. Or, you can go and leave the kids with me. lol
PEW: well since my parents bought christmas for the kids AGAIN…..that’s not really fair now is it
LM: Oh they did not.
PEW: oh….but they did
LM: Oh no they didn’t.
PEW: they’d be opening 3 toys a piece if it was up to you
LM: We bought the kids gifts before your parents gave you that money.
PEW: yeah……ok
LM: Yeah, okay is right. They get plenty of toys… from us and from others.
PEW: i don’t care…….I like the excitement of them finding stuff under the tree
LM: So do I. It’s as exciting to find 15 things under the tree as it is 30.
PEW: ok
LM: ok. You’ve bought them shit they’ve never played with. Because it’s about you, not about them. As usual.

I’ve mentioned before the freakish nature of her gift-giving and gift-receiving. It has nothing to do with the recipient and everything to do with her appearances to everyone. Of course, that would exclude me, not that I cared all that much. It was refreshing to see that I actually called her on it.

PEW: listen……nothing is about me……
LM: Yeah yeah… I know. It’s me, right? You are so predictable it’s sick. Get over yourself. Find somebody else to bitch to, because I’ve heard this same story every year. You’re wrong, and you know it.
PEW: listen…….
LM: So you just blame blame blame.
PEW: no……I’d like to see you do what I do everyday
LM: Everyone else is responsible for your miserable mood. Not you.
PEW: getting S1 to school on time…..dragging S2 with me everyday. having to take them intoo stores with me….. taking them to the doctors
LM: Sorry, I have to go to work during those hours.
PEW: working a difficult job….. you don’t work
LM: Here we go. Okay… I have to be at a job site during those hours. Make you happy?
PEW: right. yep
LM: I don’t work, but I can’t be home, sorry.
PEW: i’m glad you admist it
LM: Yeah. As if you had a clue.
PEW: trust me…..i know
LM: Sure you do.
PEW: well don’t sit there….and act like you could handle things so much better than me when you never even take these two out of the house
LM: That’s cause you’re too busy using our van as [your work’s] personal coach.
PEW: bullshit…..i’d take your heap anytime you asked me to
LM: Then take it every time.
PEW: I don’t even use our van once a week….know it all. fine
LM: You wouldn’t take my heap unless you HAD to.

Here I was, wondering why our brand new minivan was racking up all kinds of mileage when her workplace was but a few miles away. I discovered that she was using it to transport the clients (children, mind you) to various appointments and other places. I nearly had a meltdown because of the liability involved. Not only were we not insured for her to use it for her workplace, there was no agreement regarding liability. I pointed the fact out to her that we could be in HUMONGOUS trouble if she were to ever get into an accident and those children were injured or killed. The level of personal risk involved was incredible. She freaked out on me. Why? She didn’t want to have to go back to her workplace and “unvolunteer” to use our personal vehicle for the facility’s transportation needs. They HAD a van she could drive, but she chose to use ours instead. Again, all about appearances, even at great personal risk to her own family.

PEW: get the trash out of it
LM: Nope… because you shouldn’t be using that as your work’s chariot either.
PEW: there’s no reason why you can’t throw out all the shit in there. again……i rarely if ever use our cars
LM: But we all know that your work is more important than the potential impact on our household.
PEW: once in a great while
LM: Sure.
PEW: well…..I gotta work….otherwise I wouldn’t have a penny to myself….so tough shit. unless you want to get a decent paying job. it’s pretty sad…..that I enjoy a job where I get cursed out regularly….as opposed to being with you. my boss treats me like…shit……but it’s still better than being home
LM: Yeah, then you bring all that angst home and take it out on me and talk badly about my family. Nice.
PEW: you wish that was why
LM: Talk about your passive aggressive and misplaced anger. Problem with you is… Everyone ELSE gets away with taking advantage of you.
PEW: bullshit. you take advantage of me
LM: But since you’re too much of a spineless wimp to take issue with them… you lay it all on me. You’ll sit with a drunk all afternoon…
PEW: drunk?
LM: You’ll continue to get laughed at with your pay at work while allegedly doing the best job there… You’ll listen to [E….] whine about her drug habits. You’ll keep taking [niece]. Then, when it all gets too much… I’m there for you to unload on. Nice set up you got there. Really.
PEW: please. oh yeah i got the life. ripped clothes and all. everyone should envy me. and feel sorry for poor LM
LM: lol I don’t want anybody to feel sorry for me.
PEW: you do nothing but nag nag nag me
LM: I’m proud of what I have. All you do is piss and moan about every stinking thing. You talk about the kids whining… holy crap. You should hear yourself.

Here’s a woman who lived in a $300,000 home, had a new car just about every three years, a husband who thoroughly enjoyed being home with his family, was helpful, loyal, wasn’t a drunk, drug-abuser, wife-beater (despite her claims), and had every comfort any middle-class person could have and she did NOTHING BUT COMPLAIN! Further, she didn’t have to work if not for her penchant for spending us into a hole with rarely anything to show for it. Freak.

PEW: and nothing I ever complain about gets addressed
LM: I know. I don’t make enough money. I know… whine whine whine
PEW: right
LM: You don’t have enough stuff under the tree…
PEW: nag nag nag
LM: whine whine whine
PEW: nag nag nag turn the lights out….
LM: The kids don’t let you do anything…
PEW: turn the christmas lights on…..
LM: Whine whine whine.
PEW: dont’ forget. don’t forget to call your doctor
LM: Hey, you’re the bitch about money.
PEW: don’t forget
LM: You can’t bitch about money all the while wasting it, right? Sorry, can’t let you have the cake and eat it too.
PEW: don’t forget to check the lights on the car…..
LM: Call your fucking doctor. It isn’t that hard. Or “won’t the kids let you?”
PEW: hate to be a pest but the cell phone…..
LM: Check the truck lights… because you’re fucking up the truck.
PEW: yeah it is shithead
LM: Ooops! The “kids” won’t let you.
PEW: the kids turned the light on in the first place
LM: PEW, I’ve reduced the cell phone to 50 minutes for emergencies… Ooops! The “kids” don’t stop you from using it like we have unlimited time. I’ll pay the $80 for it, and you’ll bitch that we have no money. I get it. *rolleyes* Get a clue, PEW.
PEW: you get a clue. cheapass
LM: Waste energy – costs money.
PEW: nagger
LM: You want money? Don’t waste energy.
PEW: nag nag nag nag nag nag
LM: Cellphone is $10 so we have extra money.
PEW: you’re an old fucking lady
LM: Don’t use it like we have unlimited minutes. Now, instead of having $25 extra… We’ll lose $70
PEW: i told you to shut the fucking phone off
LM: Nice job, PEW! That’s my fault. Oh yeah… now your overuse is my fault. Nice trick!
PEW: yeah…you should have disconnected it when I told you to
LM: Yeah, I accept responsibility. That’s my fault. You jackass.

When things got tight, we tightened our belts. A good place to save money was the cellphone. At the time, I could downsize the plan to what I termed “emergency status.” We only got one when we had the children anyway. At the time, they had a plan that was $10/month for 50-minutes. Perfect. We discussed it and agreed to it. Imagine my surprise when she continued to use it like we had an unlimited plan. You can see her position above. Freak.

PEW: don’t want to go christmas shopping with me…. don’t want to do a family activity with me….
LM: Yes I did, and I had a great time doing it!
PEW: yeah but we fought first
LM: Yes I did, I just didn’t want to go to the Crayon Factory. No we didn’t.
PEW: don’t remind me
LM: You create your own hysteria. You know it. ANYPLACE but the Crayon factory.
PEW: I had to take a toddler and a preschooler to something all alone
LM: ANY of YOUR ideas but the Crayon Factory.
PEW: asshole
LM: But hey… The Crayon Factory gives you an excuse to fight. right? You bitch that I don’t put up lights.
PEW: well it was the perfect activity for them. it’s not what is best for you
LM: But then, I stay home, and put up lights… on the day I promised S1 I would put them up.
PEW: it’s what is best for them
LM: I know, but then I couldn’t get the lights up…
PEW: if you werem
LM: And you were mad about that even though I said I was putting them up after Thanksgiving.
PEW: if you weren’t such a tard you could have done both things
LM: If we stayed closer than the crayon factory, I get them both done. No, I couldn’t. Not with you working all day Sunday. And me working during the week.
PEW: i could have put up the lgihts
LM: But nooooooooooo… you need to bitch.
PEW: any moron could do it. not that difficult
LM: You can even make a call to your doctor… because of the “kids” what makes you think you would put up lights? You can’t barely get your ass out of bed in the morning and you’re going to climb up in a tree and put up Christmas lights? Can’t put up lights in the tree in the dark. You DID want lights in the tree, right? That’s what you requested.
PEW: i just wanted freakin lights up
LM: No shit, sherlock. And they got up. It would have been another week if I had gone to the Crayon Factory. Then, you would have bitched about that. I know how it works, PEW.
PEW: whatever…..at least you won’t be missed that much when you’re not around anymore
LM: Yeah, okay. Then you can move into your parents’ basement and they can take care of you again, wittle baby? Then they can abuse our kids just like they did you. Perfect!
PEW: someday, you’ll be gone and it’ll just be the 3 of us…… so don’t worry about it…..I chalked it up to that
LM: lol
PEW: yeah it’s real funny. keep laughing it up. you look up to your Dad so much i’m sure you’ll follow in his footsteps in MOST ways
LM: Yep, when it doubt, insult. Way to spread that Christmas Cheer you miserable grinch. Are the kids keeping you tied to the PC? I mean, with all that stuff you allegedly have to do, you sure are wasting a lot of time with me, aren’t you? You, who never have time, never have peace, never have cooperation.
PEW: nag nag nag…. you should know alot about insulting. did you find a girlfriend yet?
LM: *YAWN* You bore me.
PEW: should I start looking for a new husband. you need to find someone ten years younger
LM: No, you should start looking for a new holiday personality. This miserable act was old years ago. Go fuck yourself.
PEW: and just so you know…both boys are sitting right on my lap. we’re doing the Toy Story CD because I actually play with them

So which is it, PEW? Are they “up your ass” and you “can’t fucking take them anymore” – or are you playing with them voluntarily? Which is it? Freak.

This is one where I “let loose” a little bit. Perhaps not as much as the readership would have expected, but more than my usual defense and over-explaining myself while doing my damndest to avoid going into the gutter with her. Here I went gutter. It still isn’t pretty as I read it. I’m not proud of it, but I imagine it probably felt really good at the time for a short moment.

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Cutting Class to Stay Home – Wrong Choice

Of course, do I ever make the right choice? Is there a right choice when you’re dealing with a PEW?

By December of 2004, I had been taking between one and three college classes a semester. I started in 1995. In 10-years, folks… in 10-years, I had never missed or skipped a class.

12/4/2002 would be the first time. I was taking a computer programming class that had been extremely challenging. It didn’t help that we were working on a group project and as much trouble as I was having, I was the best in our group. I assure you that this isn’t saying very much.

I wasn’t ready for the night’s quiz, so I figured I’d blow it off, spend my evening reviewing, and then go up to the campus the following night to take the quiz. I had already spoken to my professor about the plan (absent the “I’m not really sick” part) and he was okay with it.

PEW: What time school?
LM: Probably 6:30ish, I could go later… till I finish failing the quiz. I’m afraid. I’d rather study up for a day or two and take it later. It was a very complex quiz.
PEW: great
LM: 😀
PEW: you should have just went last night
LM: Actually, no I shouldn’t have. I wouldn’t have been ready. In fact, I have no shot at being ready barring a miracle.
PEW: so what difference does it make

What the hell does she care, right? Irresponsibility was never a big deal to her. Better I just go and fail than to burn the class and take the quiz when I’m feeling a little more prepared.

LM: I can put my nose in the book and try to figure something out.
PEW: when
LM: S1’s appt still on for tomorrow?
PEW: yes
LM: k
PEW: i think it’s weird that the guy thinks that you can just run up there with no notice….. and I think it’s weird that you just stayed home last night without talking to him first
LM: He’s a PC geek that is full of his rhetoric about operating systems. I think you’re looking to pick a fight and you better drop it quickly. How about you let me worry about my class?

Dude! Wake up, she’s on the war-path! Looking back on this one, it ranks right up there with the money-stealing story in its absurdity.

PEW: i’ll drop it allright…..
LM: Thank you.
PEW: shut up. i think you’re up to something
LM: You know, PEW… I love how you ask me to leave you alone when you get PMS. Then, when I do, you find ways to poke at me. So then you can blame me for “being an ass” to you. Why all of a sudden are you concerned about me wanting to blow off a class? We are working on a project.
PEW: yeah…this is how you leave me alone….you don’t go to school last night when my mom is here to help out…..
LM: Good bye. Leave me alone, please.
PEW: but you’ll go up there tonight when I haven’t been out of the house for 4 days

Classically honed victimhood skills, developed over a lifetime. It’s amazing to me that on the 5th-night, when I have something to tend to, it’s about her not being out of the house for 4 straight nights. Too bad I didn’t think to ask her what stopped her from “going out” the prior 4-nights, not that it would have helped.

LM: Call your sister or someone else to fight with.
PEW: fuck you
LM: Okay? Thank you.
PEW: fuck you. fuck you
LM: Why are you making a fight out of me not going to class?
PEW: you sure you don’t want to tell me more about your brother’s game the other night
LM: And what would I tell you?
PEW: God….you are so self centered
LM: Just come out and accuse me, and get it over with? Drugs?
PEW: I don’t know….more about the plays

I see! Two of my brothers played in an organized flag-football league. I managed to actually get to a game to watch them play. It was a lot of fun and I got to see the both of them make some very exciting, athletic plays. We all admired everyone’s abilities, regularly rooted for one another, and were often excited to tell some tales. Apparently, my excitement saw me tell her about the experience and this was an imposition on her. The master at scuttling pretty much anything, but especially anything not about her, was at it again.

LM: Another woman?
PEW: I don’t know and I don’t really care. it would be her problem then wouldn’t it
LM: Are you mad that I talked about their game? Sorry if I get some childish excitement out of watching my brothers play football. I won’t burden you with that excitement in the future, I promise.
PEW: you are so selfish
LM: Why?
PEW: it’s so funny…..you tell me to go fight with my sister or something…… you’re the asshole who’s been fighting with anyone and everyone
LM: Why am I selfish?
PEW: honestly
LM: Because I went to see my brothers play football? Because I blew off class?
PEW: because you didn’t stay home last night because the boys were sick… yeah….ok
LM: Yeah, I guess that was selfish, using them as an excuse to stay home.
PEW: yeah
LM: Sorry about that.
PEW: i’m really getting tired of your bullshit. tired
LM: What bullshit?
PEW: just the bullshit
LM: Why does it bother you that I blew off class?
PEW: because now all the sudden you have to go tongiht
LM: I told him that I don’t think I can make it tonight.
PEW: good because you can’t. i’m going out. you went out monday….. you’ll probably go out Friday. i’m going out tonight. I cancelled my freaking trip Saturday because I didn’t want to leave you with the kids for 2-1/2 days. I really wish you wouldn’t come home for lunch either. you’re just annoying

PEW was a classic “tit-for-tat” personality. She was one who kept score – and she did so even when it didn’t matter. I never stopped her from going out, seeing her friends, making plans, wanting some getaway time… never. Still, she always played victim to the hilt. The problem was, she was about as anti-social as they came. Her history was that she would need to get blind-drunk to “have a good time.” Looking back, it was to cope with a social setting. Fortunately for her (health and well-being and that of the children), after S1 was born, she would get violently ill if she had more than 2-drinks. I can’t explain why, it just was.

She would have 2 or 3 get-aways planned for the her parents’ mountain retreat with her girlfriends. Usually, she would bail at the last minute for no particular reason (and ultimately blame me). This was one of those times. I have no idea why she undid the plans she had with everyone, but she did. She wasn’t doing me any favors. I guess the fun of tormenting me was a more attractive proposition than going up the mountains with her pretend friends to just drink herself into a stupor again.

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Something Sweet Turned So Sour

The PEW would often leave me in an embarrassing lurch. I remind you of this in the event you hadn’t realized it to this point. The holiday season of 2002 wasn’t unlike any other holiday season. There was one exception. With all of my siblings now married, engaged, or otherwise involved with someone, Christmas was one holiday that we didn’t alternate. Christmas festivities were held at our house on Christmas Eve. Christmas Day, we would all scatter to our respective partner’s family households.

This year, PEW decided she wanted to change things up under the interesting and admirable notion that the children were only young once and she preferred that we really just focus on them and not this big entertaining gig. At the time, I didn’t realize that this meant not having a celebration with my family but retaining the celebration with her family, but then, I made a lot of really stupid choices didn’t I? Of course, I also didn’t realize a thing about borderline personality disorder and isolating one from their family and friends is on their menu of relationship destruction.

The opening of this particular example I believe was rooted in her desire to attempt to adopt one of the troubled children who was a client where she worked. That is another horrible debacle in and of itself… story for another day. The question came out of nowhere. (11/22/2002)

PEW: do you think that you could love a child that is not your blood like he or she was your own
LM: I have no clue. I have to believe yes. The only thing one can’t do, is lie in bed like I did last night… I was on your side of the bed… He was awake, watching Charlie Brown… And I was just staring at how perfect his face was. And how stunningly beautiful our boys are. And how amazing it was that he is mine. And trying to picture his face 5, 10, and 15 years from now. There is a deep deep connection there that I believe can only be had with your own. But I’m sure that I can love any child right up to that point. Which is a lot, from my perspective.
PEW: Awwww that’s so sweet. I agree
LM: I was just studying him. I do that a lot. Even when he is talking right to me.
PEW: you have such a way with words
LM: His facial expressions… everything. I just want to notice all of it. And remember all of it.
PEW: they are so cute. the only reason I asked is because there are so many people in this world….who can’t even love their own children. it’s so sad. not like we love our children

REALLY?!?!

LM: We need to talk aboiut Xmas eve. Dad & C…. won’t be around for a Saturday event.
PEW: what do you want to talk about
LM: What we want to do. I actually had visions of us having people over but we baked a lotta cookies, had some wine and stuff, and then at some pre-determined time, we all sit down upstairs… and read Christmas stories. EVERYONE. Kids and Adults. We pick out like a dozen stories and everyone takes turns reading one. But then I thought people are gonna think that’s dumb and not want to do it.

It’s clear I had given this some thought and had some ideas that would meet the criteria for focusing on the children in some sort of fun way. I did truly think it would be a nice change from having a party where the adults did their usual thing and the kids did their usual thing and do something a little more involved.

PEW: well…..if you want to do something….it has to be completely centered around the kids. or I don’t want to do it
LM: What do you think of the above? The stories and stuff?
PEW: I think that’s a great idea. i really don’t care if people think it’s dumb
LM: lol. No big dinner thing. Not even pizza. Just like wine and cheese.
PEW: i have about 5 years only of this fun stuff….until some kid at their school tells them there’s no santa
LM: Bake cookies. Dogs downstairs. I think we could do that and have everyone OUT by 10 at the absolute latest.
PEW: sooner than 10 would be much better for me

Of course, it’s all about her. If it was her family, a sleep-over would be okay, though. How about this, PEW, why don’t we just ask my family to drive-by, we’ll have the children in the window and they can wave at each other for Christmas. Would that be quick enough for ya?

LM: I know… I’m thinking WORST case scenario. Think about it…
PEW: we also need to think of activities for the kids. books will only keep them busy so long
LM: We’ll talk more later, find out if we REALLY BELIEVE it would be doable.
PEW: but you and MJM aren’t going to stay up till 2am playing sega right?
LM: Right. We can do that on the weekend or something.

This became sort of an annual tradition. My brothers and I would drag out the old video game systems like Intellivision or Atari 2600. After the kids were in bed, we would all hang out down in the rec-room and play these ancients of the videogame genre and laugh our asses off at some of the memories. (For the record, we were partial to Intellivision. Atari was awful by comparison.)

PEW: and the four of us will spend quiet family time together right?
LM: Right. Again, I have my doubts that we can pull of my above described plan. Just wanted to toss it out there. Just keep in mind… With my family spread out all over the Eastern Seaboard… I’m not totally thrilled with chopping our get together out, but agree with settling things down to enjoy the kids build-up to Christmas.
PEW: I wasn’t chopping your get together out. we were post poning it till the weekend. we are going to go to dinner with your Dad the day before
LM: I understand that, but my father is up the first-half of the week, not the last half.
PEW: we’re having thanksgiving with your family. so I never said your dad and c….. couldn’t come over on christmas eve
LM: I know I know.
PEW: i just want to spend time with my boys. don’t get me started
LM: Why do you have to get all spazzy? Cripes. Sorry I said anything.

I would have much preferred to do what we usually did. Forgive me for expressing mild disappointment at the change, but again – I was more than willing to give it a whirl. Also, we spent every Christmas Day (unfortunately) with her crazy-assed family. Why she brings up Thanksgiving I don’t know because we always alternated that and it really has no bearing on what we usually did at Christmas.

PEW: because you’re like…i’m not totally thrilled about chopping our get together out. I made a simple request. Simple. maybe if every year you didn’t wind up playing video games and getting drunk I wouldn’t have a problem with it
LM: Excuse me?
PEW: excuse me?
LM: Getting drunk? Last year, the running joke was that I wouldn’t play with those guys.
PEW: ummm yeah
LM: I watched a little bit… but played none. And I’ve never EVER “gotten drunk.” EVER.
PEW: bullshit
LM: You know what… stop. I can’t stand when you do this.
PEW: you stop. it’s always about you
LM: You make up shit. Just to start a war.
PEW: it’s not my fault your Dad lives in [another state]
LM: And I’m sick of it. I NEVER SAID IT WAS! Stop getting so nuts. I’m sorry if it “hurts you” that I like to have the family get together like that. But don’t go accusing me of “playing video games and getting drunk” Cuz that is a frigging lie.
PEW: I asked nicely if we could not do major entertaining on christmas eve…..can we do it on the weekend….
LM: Shut up!
PEW: but that’s too much to ask. don’t tell me to shut up
LM: I DIDN’T SAY ANYTHING EXCEPT EXPRESS MILD DISAPPOINTEMENT AT THE CHANGE AND YOU ARE SPAZZING
PEW: well……i thought this subject was closed
LM: You owe me an apology for the drunk comment. Until then, I’m not speaking to you. I’ve had enough of your shit. Thanks for nothing.

An uncanny ability to button-push. I, of course, would let it affect me. She could just toss out any old made up accusation and I would still get defensive, as if it mattered. The drunk comment is complete fiction. It just never happened any Christmas. Ever. Yet, all she had to do was accuse it and I would respond.

Had I only learned about low-contact earlier than 2005.

JUST HEAR THOSE SLEIGH-BELLS RING-A-LING, TING-TING-TING-A-LING, TOOOOOOO!

LOOKS LIKE ANOTHER SEASON OF MISERY AND MAYHEM WITH PEWWWWWWW…

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When Replacing Her $1 With $25 = Stealing From PEW

Despite the strong language and over-the-top rage from PEW, this one is as funny as it is completely twisted. If you think anything I’ve posted so far has left your head spinning, this one will make your head fall completely off of your neck.

PEW: did you take the $6 that was on my dresser
LM: No, I took the $1 (for junk food) and replaced it with $25. I had no 1’s.
PEW: oh….well that wasn’t my money….. it was a kid from work for his pants at the cleaners

My first mistake – failing to have the ability to figure out that the $6 on the dresser wasn’t hers. I guess my clairvoyance skills were not as sharp as they should have been. What a bastard.

LM: And? $25 won’t replace the $1?
PEW: i thought you [gave] me $30…..so you actually gave me $24. so i’ll put $20 in my tank and have $4 left. thanks. this is fucking unbelievable
LM: You said you needed gas money… and I was gonna grab the candy… isn’t that what we said yesterday? I thought you told me what you needed… gas & candy… I said I’d grab the candy.
PEW: i probably am going to bounce a check because I bought S1 a costume
LM: Why?
PEW: because…..I don’t make enough fucking money to buy groceries….pay all the copays….buy diapers…..and all the other shit
LM: Look… either stop spazzing on me, or go crank on somebody else. You told me that you needed money for gas and candy. Why am I now in trouble because you didn’t tell me you needed more?
PEW: you always seem to have ample monies to buy auction stuff….and any other bullshit you see fit…..like hockey tickets for your brothers birthdays….yet….when it comes to me asking for $2 fucking dollars

This is really hysterical coming from her – the woman who compulsively bought gifts for any human that was related in any way by blood to her (and sometimes several not) – despite things being tight. Of course, she’s off in her own little world. She didn’t ask for “$2” – She asked for money to get gas and Halloween candy. I figured I’d save her a trip to the store and get the candy and she could get gas whenever she wanted. What a bastard.

For the record, I did buy stuff at auctions… which I then sold for profit on eBay as a part-time job of sorts. I guess she forgot about that part of the equation.

LM: PEW… you told me that you needed money for gas and candy, right?
PEW: you told me you were leaving me $30…. but you didn’t
LM: No, I told you that “there is $30 here on the bureau.”
PEW: you included the kid from work’s money. you’re an asshole. cheap fucking asshole
LM: No, I told you “there is $30 here on the bureau.”
PEW: i’m sick of this shit
LM: No, I told you that “there is $30 here on the bureau.”
PEW: sick and fucking tired of not having a dime in my pocket. working my ass of and not having any money for myself. fuck this. i’m not going to CAM’s tonight….. you can fucking go….you cheap fuck

Spazz much? It was Halloween and it appears the ugly monster had arrived a little earlier than dusk this year.

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Her Motherly Instincts Tell Her a 4-Year Old Needs a Therapist

The “discussion” regarding PEW’s suspicion that something was wrong with S1, then 4-years old, continued. It’s still 10/24/2002.

PEW: something else……
LM: hi. Can you please just get over your anger? There is no reason to be angry.
PEW: well, I’m angry because I don’t understand why you have to make all problems….somehow my fault
LM: I haven’t. I clearly haven’t.
PEW: he doesn’t do it with you……I should handle it this way……I’m not consistent
LM: So, you either have to stop saying I did that, or just stop talking about it. If you can take what I believe I see from time to time, then don’t complain to me about it. I am not perfect. You do a wonderful job. But I fear going to some psych who is going to do the be-all end-all “drug your kid” recommendation, when I know ENOUGH about stuff to say that isn’t the case here.

I absolutely feared this. With all of the overprescribing of ritalin and other mind-altering drugs fed today’s children, the last thing I wanted to do was have the PEW going to a doctor who would give “mom” what she wanted – a zombie who didn’t give her any trouble.

PEW: I don’t want to drug him…..
LM: S1 is bright, energetic, and intelligent.
PEW: I am very much against that
LM: He is FOUR He isn’t going to be “counseled” into doing things differently. He is going to be TAUGHT how to do things differently. And that will be accomplished by US.
PEW: I know he is and I resent you implying that I’m doing something OTHER than trying to help him
LM: He took forever to poop… and you were constantly saying that “something is wrong with him.” He is just 4. It sounds like a cop-out, but it isn’t. I am not implying any such thing.
PEW: well….like I said…..there is mental illness on both of our families
LM: He is not mentally ill. HE IS FOUR
PEW: and I want to do this the RIGHT way
LM: He is not mentally ill.
PEW: ok…..well my motherly instincts tell me that he needs some help…..I didn’t say he was mentally ill

Her alleged “motherly instincts” were telling her nothing more than she needed someone else to get her child under control because it wasn’t working despite all of her alleged efforts.

LM: Okay, then stop talking to me about it. You can’t handle talking to me about it, and all I’ll end up doing is putting myself on the shitty end of the stick… again.
LM: Okay? So you do what you feel is necessary.
PEW: ok, now……if you decide to talk to your parents about this…. make sure that in their omniscient parenting they don’t say anything to me. because I will freak if your mother calls me up and says…..
LM: Save your anger for someone else.
PEW: he doesn’t need therapy, PEW…..
LM: I’ve had enough of discussing this with you. Good bye.
PEW: fuck you
LM: Thanks. Real grown-up like of you.
PEW: thank you….for nothing as usual. i’m sick of your cop outs. cop out
LM: Okay. Bye.
PEW: you never want to talk about anything
LM: I do. But you can’t handle it.
PEW: you’d rather fight in front of the kids
LM: Nope.
PEW: choke me
LM: I wouldn’t. Grow up.
PEW: that’s probably what’s wrong with him
LM: I can tell the holidays approach.
PEW: he saw his father choke his pregnant mother….. then…..I had to call the cops on you

This did not happen and, as time passed, the story grew… called the cops? Nope. Had she done that, she’d have gotten hauled off as it was I who was bleeding from the neck during the incident she references. (Of course, given that usually the man gets carted off no matter what – I could be completely off-base in that assumption.)

LM: Descending into another predictable season of doom and gloom.
PEW: another time
LM: Thanks.
PEW: no thank you
LM: Bye PEW.
PEW: it’s not about the holidays LM
LM: I love how you act like this and then resent when I tell you that you could handle situations better. Like this one. Just fly-off-the-handle, as usual.
PEW: it’s about me wanting to take him to therapy. and you arguing that
LM: Because he has a problem.
LM: Right, I know. It isn’t about us handling situations better, and teaching him better, and having even MORE patience than we already have…
PEW: we all have problems…..you I can’t help.,….HIM I CAN
LM: He’s mentally ill and needs to see a professional.
PEW: I didn’t say that. I can’t stand you……as long as I’m doing everything that you want….you’re happy….
LM: Wrong.
PEW: the minute I step out of line…..you lose it. yeah. right
LM: I’ve lost nothing here, PEW. You’re the one freaking out, cursing at me. Bringing up irrelevant stuff again. Try reading how you react. I assure you, you won’t find me treating you like that.
PEW: yeah…..you’re telling me how I should handle him….how you handle him…..always talking about how my family is bad, he doesn’t do this with your family
LM: No, I didn’t say that. And if you can’t take suggestions… then you won’t see any changes. It’s that simple.
PEW: I won’t find you treating me how…… you’re passive aggressive…..
LM: Nope. Just making suggestions.
PEW: that’s why you don’t do anything around here. and you’re always complaining. about money
LM: lol
PEW: your job. you don’t get enough sex
LM: I’m always complaining?
PEW: the house isn’t clean enough. yeah….you are. you make it seem like jokes
LM: When did I say that the house isn’t clean enough? When?
PEW: but like….when I wanted to go to Fasion Bug the other night you’re like “if you must” and you’ve made comments about “where’s dinner” the few times I didn’t make it before I went to work.

This is total projecting. A couple of facts: I did most of the cooking. Not her. I didn’t care if the house wasn’t “clean” – I just didn’t. Not that this is necessary a good thing, but she was the one complaining. Of course, I imagine it would be tough with a pair of children hanging out of your ass “24/7.” I did almost all of the wash. The list goes on…

LM: The Fashion Bug thing was because you were going to be away longer.
PEW: I’m tired of fucking killing myself around here….with these kids. this stupid house
LM: Okay, great. You complain about money.
PEW: I’m gonna run away….i’ll leave you with the freaking kids

There it is again. She’s going to leave and just abandon the children because she just can’t take it.

LM: You complain about the house. You complain about the kids.
PEW: have fun
LM: You complain about your job. I complain about my job because we’re losing money. That’s not that unusual.
PEW: you would too if you had my life
LM: I don’t complain about the house. I don’t complain about the kids.
PEW: what enjoyment do I get….
LM: I don’t complain about not getting enough sex, though I do badger you to death when it has been a while.
PEW: I can’t enjoy my job because I have to worry about my kids home with you laying on the couch all the time
LM: lol. Yeah, that’s what I do. lol
PEW: yeah I know. lay around. that’ that’s what you do best
LM: Call me when you snap back to reality, please.
PEW: no. don’t be late. i want to get to work on time
LM: Boy, I’d be thrilled if I could NAP as often as you do.
PEW: for a change. I don’t fucking nap
LM: Yes, you do.
PEW: once a week maybe
LM: Sure.
PEW: what the fuck are you talking about
LM: And I’m not allowed to be tired. It isn’t like I ever get up 1, 2, and 3 times a night to tend to S1’s peeing and drink needs, either, right? And I go to bed at 9PM every night like you, right?
PEW: oh….so you don’t think there’s a problem with him. get a fucking life
LM: No, kids get thirsty and they pee. It’s called “normal.”
PEW: well….why don’t you teach him to do it without waking you up….since you’re so great
LM: I’ll try.
PEW: that should be no problem for you
LM: I’ll eventually give it a shot.
PEW: well in the meantime…shut up. i deal with him all day….you can deal with him at night
LM: No kidding. But do I badger you for being tired all the time? No. God forbid I yawn one too many times, you get pissed.
PEW: i can’t stand you
LM: Enough, PEW.
PEW: i’m tired all the time….because I get no help from you
LM: Yeah, that’s it.
PEW: both kids leach onto me from the time I wake up in the morning. it’s tiring
LM: Yeah, that happens because I go to work in the morning.
PEW: you wouldn’t know
LM: Sorry about that. Sorry I have to go to work.
PEW: me too. I’m sorry too because I could probably make as much as you at this point….. I might as well go to work
LM: I know, that’s my fault, too. Sorry.
PEW: yeah it is…..you have NO ambition. at all. none
LM: Yeah, that’s it.

You can just tell that the holidays are closing in…

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Mom Thinks Her 4-Year Old is Mentally Ill

PEW simply doesn’t have the ability to look within herself to find solutions to problems. Everything is always someone else’s fault. She lives in a permanent state of victimhood. Her parenting style and her discipline methods (or lack thereof) could not possibly be wrong. It’s the child. The 4-year old (S1, at the time) must be mentally ill because she is perfect. It’s the only explanation.

How sick.

From October 2002, comes another gem of her desire to flee. It’s another clear documented example of her being “sick and tired” of the children… of her not being able to handle the children.

Even in the face of countless documented, provable instances such as this, early on in the whole ugly divorce and custodial process – custody was still given to her primarily. These will forever be a part of my memories of their childhood with her. It still goes on as I’ll demonstrate when I get around to posting about this past Sunday’s exchange debacle.

PEW: i’m taking S1 to the Doctors at 3pm……
LM: ok. Sick?
PEW: i want to talk to them about his throwing up when he runs around……

S1 would have a tendency to throw-up when he was overstimulated. He would run himself ragged and then get all flushed and start gagging. Yes, it was weird and of concern.

LM: Okay.
PEW: and I want to ask them if they think he needs a therapist
LM: Be sure to give them all the facts.
PEW: like what?
LM: Because I don’t think he needs a freaking therapist.
PEW: that’s because you are in denial…….
LM: Okay.
PEW: he needs help learning how to express his emotions. in an acceptable way. he can’t spend the rest of his life freaking out several hundred times a day
LM: Okay.
PEW: don’t say okay LM…..if you want to talk about it….talk
LM: Nope. Talk to them.
PEW: well….with mental illness on your side and my side the way it is….i’m not willing to ignore what he does any more
LM: Okay.

Another one of her coping mechanisms, or should I call it “denial mechanisms,” was that I had as many issues as her or my family had as many issues as her. Mental illness most certainly does not run in my family. I had one Aunt who suffered with a bout of serious depression for a long period of time, but beyond that, I am aware of no other member of my family that had been diagnosed with any mental illnesses. However, she has two diagnosed bipolar siblings, a likely bipolar father, mental illness in other extended family members, alcoholism rampant throughout the family, etc. However, I think if she convinced herself that this was the case in my family, somehow that made it all okay. It wasn’t reality.

In any event, the implication is clear, with mental illness on “both” sides of the family – then S1, at 4-frigging-years-old, must have something, too.

PEW: did you used to kick your baby brother and pull his hair and kick your mother and scream and cry when you drop something…..
LM: Rarely, because I got in trouble when I did.
PEW: so does he. he doesn’t care. getting in trouble for acting the way he does hasn’t effected him in the past two years….. I don’t get why getting him help is upsetting to you
LM: It doesn’t “upset” me. What upsets me is if I say… “He doesn’t do it as regularly to me as he does it to you” – you get pissed at me and start thinking things like I’m judging you or you’re “doing something wrong.” So, I can’t talk about it. Maybe it’s because he’s worn out from tormenting you all day, I don’t know.
PEW: well here’s the thing……
LM: Maybe we’re not methodical and consistent in our methods of dealing with it. But forgive me for looking to US first instead of at him. To my knowledge… he doesn’t “outburst” at school.
PEW: well let’s see…..how do you handle it when he freaks
LM: I need an example.
PEW: so…..you’re saying for me to look at ME…not US
LM: When he freaks when S2 gets close to him, I typically try to explain to him how it is unnecessary to react that way and get him to calm down.
PEW: since you say he doesn’t do it to you….which I think is an out and out LIE

Another example of her denial mechanism. Despite not being there to see how me and the children interacted and how I handled situations, she simply would NOT believe that what I was telling her was the truth. She just wouldn’t. We all know what that would mean if she did. From previous posts, she would acknowledge that they didn’t act that way when we were home together. So… if they didn’t act that way when we were all home together… and they didn’t (as I claim) didn’t act that way when she wasn’t around… and the ONLY time that they would act that way was when they were alone with her (or her family in my absence) – what say ye as to the root-cause?

Worthy of note, S1 attended pre-K3 and pre-K4 and was lauded as far-and-away the best child in the class, at the time, not having been influenced by the “Power Rangers” or other such shows. One teacher said at the time that while most of the other children were chopping and kicking at one another emulating the power rangers from the moment that they dropped their bags, S1 would always be looking to the crafting table or something else that didn’t involve Power Ranger stunts and actions.

LM: Sometimes it takes several attempts, but usually I can convince him that there are alternatives. If he is “rough-housing” too hard with S2… he gets 2 warnings, and then he goes to his room for more than 5 stinking minutes. Then he comes down and is fine.
PEW: well….if all I had to do all the time was lay around on the couch….I guess I’d be a better referee
LM: See? You’re attacking. That’s why I say “okay.” Okay. Okay.
PEW: no….you’re attacking…. you fucking sit there and say it’s me….
LM: No I don’t. I say that you need to be more consistent. That’s not attacking. He freaks more with your family because they don’t control him. He just does.
PEW: that’s a LIE
LM: Of course, he doesn’t see my family as much, so it’s harder to judge.
PEW: yeah exactly
LM: He is calm and normal in the company of your brother M…… generally speaking.

I mention her one brother, specifically, because he is what I’ve previously described as “the normal” one. He has a generally laid back demeanor, takes an active interest in the kids, and doesn’t act like he failed to progress past the age of 5, unlike most of the rest of her family. It’s also why the children are generally calm in his company, too.

PEW: why don’t you get off your ass and take the kids to visit your family every once in a while….maybe I could get something done around here
LM: But at your parent’s house, he goes nuts.
PEW: this is ridiculous
LM: You’re attacking. Stop it.
PEW: No LM, you think you are such a wonderful parent and you have all this wonderful advice for me
LM: You are blowing what I am saying out of proportion. Grossly. This is why we can’t talk about it. Because of YOU. I am not perfect. I do not always get it right.
PEW: well, we obviously have a serious problem here
LM: But he simply DOES NOT GET OUT OF CONTROL AS OFTEN FOR ME AS HE DOES FOR YOU. That is a fact. I don’t “lie” about that.
PEW: well then I will go to his therapy with him……
LM: Again, you have him for 9+ generally… and I only have him for 4-5 generally [on weekdays]. So, you do experience more.
PEW: but I can control 12 abused children at a shot……but I can’t control my own 4 year old
PEW: you don’t find that ODD
LM: Yes. You are required to do specific things at specific times under certain consistent guidelines. You HAVE to be MUCH more patient with your clients than you do at home. That’s pretty simple explanation.

It’s also the absolutely correct explanation. She can’t go from 0-to-freakout at work. She wouldn’t keep her job.

PEW: I don’t have more patience with the kids in work
LM: You have to be more controlled with the kids at work. You are practicing your craft at work.
PEW: my kids at work DO NOT act like S1 does on a daily basis. and the ones that do…..are in therapy. this isn’t normal. i’m sorry, you think I’m doing something wrong…..but our son is having emotional difficulties…. I think I ought to know. if you want to find a job where you can stay home and be the perfect father….and I’ll go back to work full time….that’s fine with me. frankly, I can’t take this anymore. he’s horrible. working full time is WAY easier than dealing with these two and doing ALL of the chores around here by myself. trust me you got the life. our insurance sucks too……I’d like to get a job where we get better insurance
LM: Are you finished attacking me? Your clients aren’t 4-years old. You often “freak out” or get angry with S1 when he whines as a first reaction, not as a last reaction. That doesn’t teach him not to whine. It makes him upset further.
PEW: me “freak out”……you freak out FIRST way more often than I do
LM: Again, I am not the “perfect father.” But that simply is not true.
PEW: I’m not going to sit here while you critique me either
LM: But there has to be a reason why I can ask him once (mostly) twice at most to “stay down stairs while I am cooking.” But they are both up your ass all day long every day.
PEW: I’ll see a proffessional…..you’re not a professional…… i hate to break it to you
LM: Yeah, I know.
PEW: no I don’t think that you know. there’s gonna be some changes around here
LM: There has to be a reason why he can sit and talk at the kitchen table with S2 in the height chair while I do dishes without “being up my ass.”
PEW: yeah…..I play with him…..I’m a playmate….

BINGO!!! That’s exactly right. You’re not being a parent. You’re not being a teacher. You’re not being a guide. You’re being a “playmate.”

LM: There is a reason why he torments the crap out of you almost every time you are on the phone, but not very often when I am on the phone.
PEW: he knows that you have too much other stuff to do
LM: You’re attacking again and you are wrong again.
PEW: maybe you could start taking him outside for awhile when you get home for a little while. why don’t you ever take him anywhere…..just guys. why don’t you ever visit with family or friends……without me
LM: Let’s see… School, work, proximity to me, their jobs/other things. There are lots of reasons. Go see VAM? He works 24/7. When he gets home, it is usually at dusk, and in the Summer, that’s around bedtime. MJM lives far and is rarely home with all of his goings-on. CAM, if he isn’t golfing after work, is golfing on the weekends, or playing flag football, and stuff like that. My father lives 4 hours away. My mother lives 2 hours away. MCB lives 10 hours away. I don’t have a sister a 5-minute walk away, parents who live 30 minutes away… D… and J.. are usually in bed by 8PM, and D… is usually working around his house right after work until he goes to bed.
PEW: well….I’ll tell you what…… I’m tapped out…..I’m sick of this place looking like a hell hole…. I’m sick of dealing with these two…..and working…..and still not having any money. I’m sick of all of it. I feel like fucking running away from here. it’s bull shit. I’m taking S1 to a therapist because it will make MY life easier to figure out why he’s so bad with ME…..and not you. tough shit if you don’t like it, how bout that
LM: Okay.
PEW: good bye
LM: bye
PEW: i won’t be here at lunch either. I don’t want to see you
LM: Whatever.

Despite all of that explanation, the fact is – I did plenty with them. We visited family regularly, when they were available and prepared to have company. Just because I could go more than 2-days without seeing my family, unlike her, doesn’t mean it’s abnormal or lazy. The reality is (and it continues today) – is she visited with the children so often because she doesn’t know how to be with the children for extended periods of time one-on-one. At least, not as anything more than a “playmate.”

This conversation wasn’t over, either. Her motherly instincts were telling her that something was wrong with S1.

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After Party Bitch-Session – Part of PEW’s Planning Process

This session was the aftermath of a party we had to celebrate S1’s birthday. If she deviated from her usual blow-up in advance of a party, holiday, or celebration – her fallback modus operandi was the post-party blow-up.

I enjoy hosting parties. I enjoy attending parties. I am usually a very helpful host and guest, be it food preparation, cleaning up afterwards, sometimes even doing some clean-up during the party to keep things from piling up and ensuring having plenty of silverware and plates for meals and desserts. My family, friends, and neighbors will all attest to this.

The PEW will not. Her delusions would consistently recall that I did nothing to help either before or after the party and that I did one or more things to alienate people at the party.

This particular situation is just so completely false and is one of those situations, as you’ll be able to tell from my reaction, that really left my head spinning and wondering if I was going insane.

PEW: so are you going to be able to come home a little early
LM: Boss and VPS are at a funeral…
PEW: who died
LM: VPF told me that they want to START the meeting at NOON. Somebody from the “golf club”
PEW: ok i’ll call my sister
LM: hang on… calling VPF… No answer.
PEW: don’t worry about it. anyway….i wanted to ask you…. what was wrong with you yesterday when early on in the party
LM: ??? Nothing.
PEW: when you snapped at PP, then yelled at Aunt R…..
LM: Snapped at PP?
PEW: after S1 did something to S2
LM: Yelled at Aunt R….?
PEW: yeah I heard you….. about the gate. she came in and asked me what was wrong with you
LM: All I said to PP was “enough” because she went into the Aunt PP “talk nice nice” to S1 mode when he was being a nasty little snit. He had enough “nice talking-tos” He was being a spoiled little brat.
PEW: ok, forget that…….anyway. i’m not having parties anymore
LM: I didn’t yell at Aunt R…. about anything yesterday.
PEW: ok
LM: I don’t know what she’s talking about. Really.

Aunt R…. is one of the nicest people on the planet. Funny, kid friendly, she is always good to put lots of smiles on all faces. Checking my own sanity, I asked her sometime shortly after this exchange if she interpreted anything I did as any way negative or yelling at her or anything. Thankfully, she said she had no idea what PEW was talking about. She recalled me yelling to her to keep the gate closed to keep the dog from escaping. Other than that, she had a wonderful time at the party.

PEW: i heard you yell “HOLD THE GATE” or something
LM: When she first got there?
PEW: yeah
LM: I was yelling TO her to “hold the gate” because [the dog] was making a dash for it. Then I went over and got [the dog] and gave her a hand. I didn’t yell at her. I didn’t want [the dog], with his wet paws and spastic temperment, to start jumping all over her.
PEW: well whatever transpired she got the impression something was wrong……..were you curt with her or something?
LM: I was helping. NO!
PEW: ok
LM: I can’t say NO enough. I walked up, smiled and said, “I was hoping to get you in before [the dog] got out, but I wasn’t so lucky.” And I kept [the dog] at bay until we got her in. Why do you do this every time we host something? It’s like you search for something to get annoyed at me about.
PEW: don’t project……ok……YOU do this everytime we have something

No, not really. The party was a huge success. It was one of the few times that both sides of the family intermingled. It was a long party. Everyone had a blast until this ambush seemed to indicate otherwise.

LM: I thought everything was a smashing success yesterday.
PEW: you take 5 minutes to prepare then you act all stressed
LM: I had no complaints. I didn’t act all stressed. You are the one projecting. Remember, it was me saying “relax, there is plenty of time” to you? That was me, right?
PEW: that was easy for you to say
LM: I wasn’t all stressed.
PEW: you didn’t do anyuthing
LM: See… this is what I’m talking about…
PEW: you barely watched the kids while I was cooking
LM: The day-after bullshit harranguing from you.
PEW: yeah this is what i’m talking about, spare me
LM: Two times I took the kids downstairs…
PEW: you had it coming
LM: And on both occassions… Your sister came down stairs and took them back up.

I had it coming? Don’t I always?

Off I go explaining myself again. This is what would happen. I bring the children downstairs to keep them occupied while PEW does some late preparatory work. Her sister, rather than help her, would come downstairs and take both boys back upstairs again. I quit trying after two times.

PEW: you watched football the whole time practically….even though it wasn’t a football party
LM: BOTH times I told S1 that he couldn’t go up because “mommy was working on stuff.” Yes… the “football” angle. You are so predictable. SO predictable.
PEW: SO ARE YOU. SO ARE YOU
LM: You have no clue what was going on downstairs. None.
PEW: you do the same shit everytime we host something
LM: No idea who I was talking to. What we were talking about. Nothing. You just make assumptions to start fights. Guess what? I DON’T CARE. Bitch all you want. You’re wrong, and you can’t prove otherwise. So, save it for somebody else.
PEW: i’m not fighting with you, i’m simply telling you i’m not hosting any more parties
LM: Because of assumptions that I ‘yelled’ at somebody… and because I did “nothing.”
PEW: you’re still socially backward, just like you were when we first met
LM: Both figments of your imagination. Take your PMS out on someone else.
PEW: I don’t give a shit either. makes no frickin difference to me
LM: Do you know how long I chatted with my father and what about? How about your brothers? How about how many times I “fetched” things like drinks and food for the people who were downstairs? You don’t know jack-shit about what I was doing downstairs yesterday. You have this pathological problem where you assume that I did “nothing” and “talked to nobody” etc. EVERY TIME. EVERY single time. I actual think you prepare the bitch-session ahead of time as part of the party planning process… that’s how predictable you are. You ruin everything. I thought everything went perfectly yesterday. Now, you come on here this morning to rip me a new one for NO REASON. NONE. Way to go!

PEW’s family and my family did things somewhat differently when it came to family parties. Her family, men and women alike, would gather round tables or outside or wherever and primarily shoot the breeze with little or no television watching. My family would tend to do the same things, however, sports was a big part of our lives. PEW didn’t understand the concept of socializing with a major sporting event on the television. She didn’t understand that people could actually hold conversations about a myriad of topics all while the television was on.

Neither approach is wrong at all. Ironically enough, much of her family was downstairs with me and some of my family shooting the breeze and watching whatever game was on television. We’re from an area where sports is huge and we all participated in and/or watched sports all of our lives. It’s part of most parties’ atmosphere.

Interestingly enough, this very issue came up in one of our counseling sessions (I forget if it was an effort before this event or after). When the counselor expressed that neither approach was wrong and that she shouldn’t be imposing her will on anyone else in the aggressive manner she was – she quit. The mere suggestion flew in the face of her rationale and, of course, given that she knows better than anyone else on earth – the counselor was wrong and she would not hear any more from her.

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PEW Can’t Stand to be Around the Children Anymore

We all experience our frustrations with children from time-to-time. With PEW, it was often and, in my opinion, more than most. More times than I can count, both during the marriage and since it’s end, I have listened to her complain about not being able to “handle” things. Sadly, this goes back to even when the children were little.

In all the times I’ve listened to friends or family express frustration about their children, the following phrases I never heard:

“I can’t handle the kids.”

“I can’t stand to be around the kids anymore at all.”

“These kids are up my fucking ass 24/7 and I can’t stand them anymore.”

Those are just a few. At one point in the last 4-years, she was so tired of S1 not showing her an appropriate level of worship that she actually proposed (and told him) that she would send him to live with me permanently and she would keep S2. That’s a horrible situation in which to put a (then) 7-year old.

This July 2002 sample shows what happens when I would try to give her some helpful hints to “deal” with the boys. Never, and I mean never, did I ever suggest anything on any topic to help her with anything that wasn’t met with a defensive rant. Consideration for the ideas of others was not something PEW could ever grasp. Constructive suggestions from me were always received as an all-out attack by me on her. “Always” is not an overstatement.

Something is always “wrong” with our son(s). They need psychological evaluations. They have problems. Unfortunately, even the children were not shielded from the blame. Nothing was ever her fault. Everything is always someone else’s fault – even young children.

PEW: OMG. S2 is such a buster. [Niece] and S1 went for a nap with no problem. But he wouldn’t go
LM: lol
PEW: can I just say
LM: Yes. *ducking*
PEW: what is wrong with our son
LM: lol. Which one?
PEW: LM he is in absolute frigging annoy me mode for about the past 3 weeks. S1
LM: I dunno. He either follows my rules or he goes to bed.
PEW: hurting S2, shitting his pants, whining, crying……
LM: He still whines and cries though.
PEW: i’m sorry but I can’t stand it anymore
LM: But I have him down to ONE stare on touching S2.
PEW: i can’t stand being around him at all

I can’t stand it anytime she says it. It just sounds so horrible. Her story has always been that they were unholy terrors anytime I wasn’t home. Then when I was home, they were fine. When they were with me alone, they were fine (outside of what you would expect from a 4-year old and 2-year old). With her, all hell would break loose. Worse than that, she would just refuse to accept that they were fine when with me alone. She would always think I was lying and, when she wasn’t doing that, she was making up stories about the things I would do (mostly not do) in her absence. She was clairvoyant, apparently.

LM: Well, that’s not good.
PEW: all he does is harrass me all fucking day
LM: Send him outside.
PEW: it’s really a shame
LM: I send him downstairs. He’s not to come up until I’m finished cleaning the kitchen. When I cook… they stay downstairs together until I call them for dinner.
PEW: well I don’t know what the answer is, but whatever we’re doing, it isn’t working
LM: He asks, but he is not allowed to come up until I call him. They watch me on the grill as I walk up and down the stairs…
PEW: i’m so tired of being stressed around him
LM: I get everything out, cut, and ketchuped before he can come upstairs.
PEW: i know I know, you’re great
LM: All he does is sit down and eat. No. That’s not what I’m saying.
PEW: well what are you saying
LM: What I’m saying is he only does to you what you allow him to do. In many cases.
PEW: you have NO idea what goes on when you’re not around. none
LM: Problem is… I believe every word of what you’re saying.
PEW: what? problem is?
LM: I have an idea because you tell me. I don’t beat him, hit him, I occasionally threaten him with his room. And [he] follows direction, for the most part, even if I have to tell him no 3 or 4 times. “Can I come up yet?” No. Can I come up yet? No. I want juice for dinner. No. Okay, I’ll have water then. Can you read a book? Yes. Sit down and don’t worry about S2 touching the book. I won’t let him ruin the story, I promise.
PEW: shut up

Clearly, I am helping here. In classic borderline personality fashion, this was another on the list of lose-lose situations. If I made suggestions, I was wrong. If I didn’t make suggestions, I was wrong because I wasn’t helping. To this day I wonder what it’s like to go through life never being on the wrong side of any situation.

LM: Okay. Be pissed. You sit there and complain and be pissed and try nothing different. Okay?
PEW: I do something different every week. don’t give me that shit
LM: That’s a problem.
PEW: but don’t give me advice when I’m venting, ok
LM: Do ONE thing and do it every time all the time. Okay.
PEW: I can fucking vent about the kid being a fucking pain in the ass
LM: Well, I have to be concerned when you say… I CAN’T STAND TO BE AROUND HIM AT ALL ANY TIME ANYMORE. That is what prompts advice. That is more than just a simple “vent.”
PEW: yeah, no shit
LM: Now, if that is an overstatement, I apologize. But if that is real, then it is a problem that needs resolution.
PEW: maybe you could do a little bit more around the house. then I wouldn’t be so busy that I couldn’t handle him
LM: Bullshit. I told you before, I can do shit and keep them out of my way. You opt not to do that.
PEW: but when he’s up my ASS 24/7 it’s a little different than your experience with him. bull shit
LM: No bullshit.
PEW: you don’t even try
LM: Are we talking about what I do or how I keep the kids from being up my ass? What is it you want to argue about today?
PEW: i just wanted to vent without you giving me parenting tips…. I do fucking fine without your advice. ok
LM: Then vent to somebody else.
PEW: you’re not better than me. you’re just not

Therein lies the root-cause of her reaction. My suggestions, tips, tricks meant that I was “better than her.” I wasn’t helping her, apparently, I was putting her down. I was questioning her mothering. Never was I trying to offer assistance.

I could cook, clean, do work on the PC, read books, bathe the children, walk the dogs, go for walks with the boys, mow the lawns, and all kinds of other daily household duties without using the children as an excuse for why I couldn’t do it. She rarely could and, of course, the blame would be laid at my feet. I can tell you honestly – when we were working different shifts and had the children on our own during our respective work periods – I NEVER encountered nor experienced situations where the children were the reason I didn’t get something done around the house. Her inability to provide even the slightest semblance of structure and discipline (even today) is what causes most of her issues. Nothing else.

Oh, and there is the “24/7” thing again from the dramatist. If you were to ask her, you would think she hadn’t slept one minute in the years since the children were born.

LM: When you said you can’t stand being around our son, it became something more than a vent. I didn’t say that.
PEW: if you think you are better…..you’re wrong
LM: Stop turning it into something that it isn’t.
PEW: it is not more than a VENT
LM: It is to me. I’ll say it again, you said, “I cannot stand being around S1 at all anymore.” That’s more significant that, “S1 is being a pain in my rump” – BIG difference.
PEW: it’s a vent. well then it is to you. it doesn’t make me a bad person. i can’t stand being around you sometimes either. i think that’s normal. so kiss my ass. I said ” I can’t stand being around him anymore” which translates to….. he’s really been a fucking nudge lately. you always change one fucking word to twist it your way right. LM….. if you want me to unload on you …..I will. God knows you’ve been asking for it, otherwise, just shut the fuck up

Oh, PEW, I always knew you would. I didn’t need to ask for it.

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