I’ve been forthright in telling you that I have made mistakes. I still sometimes make mistakes. Sometimes, I go ahead and make the mistake because something in my gut tells me it’s the right thing to do. How ironic that only a day after breaking down the article “How to Appropriately Handle Hostile Emails” would I be so tested.
This morning, I get an email from PEW that falls under my “can-respond” rule of “urgent matter pertaining to the children.” She had asked me about building a car to S1’s Cub Scout Project for the Pinewood Derby. I told her I would and wondered how long she had it as it is due in a month. In addition to blaming her delaying letting me know about this matter on my lack of communication, she takes off on me regarding the boys’ behavior:
(1/10/2008, 9:30AM from PEW):
LM,
Also, with regard to the boys……the lack of communication is seriously hurting in school. Now it’s looking like S2 is going to have to go to [Mrs. S2GuidanceCounselor]. We cannot continue this way and it’s totally up to you to make a change. I couldn’t be more communicative with you. You on the other hand didn’t even let me know that you lost S2’s EDM calendar. S1 is doing the sloppiest work I have ever seen him do. His book bag is a mess….he’s not using the new folder or homework book I bought for him and the only way this will improve is if we’re both on the same page. If things between us do not improve, come April I am going to have to ask JC for another custody evaluation by a psychologist. I’m not messing around with the kids lives. Look at what happened to [your nephew]. Do you want that for your children?
~PEW
Strangely, during the weeks they are with me, they both mostly get good reports. During the weeks they are with her, they don’t. Further, S1’s writing has been greatly improved since I recently told him how to properly hold a pencil, how to tilt the page for a right-hander, and to take his time and keep his letters in proportion to one another. His bookbag isn’t a mess when he’s with me, in fact, I find it difficult to understand how it’s possible to make a “mess” of a bookbag.
This reply is in keeping with the article I reviewed yesterday. It’s not perfect, but still is in the spirit of the article’s suggestions.
(1/10/2008, 10:15AM reply from LM):
The communication thing is an absolute necessity because of your abusive behavior. There is no other way around it. It has been a part of our lives since 1995 and apparently will not change. Your emails, your voice mails, almost the entirety of what you call “communication” is horrifyingly adversarial and always has been. At this time, I expect it always will be.
Increasing communication with you will only expose me to more of your unacceptable behavior and language, and I’ve told you repeatedly, I will not reply to any communication that includes same.
~LM
From there, she escalates, not unexpectedly:
(1/10/2008, 11:53AM from PEW):
LM,
How you define abusive is absolutely essential here. You have always tended to embellish on that topic. First, how many times have I been kind to you, only to turn around and have you stab me in the back? (Christmas is a perfect example) Then, I become distraught and call you a name….and you call that abuse or harrassment? When under the circumstances that would be a totally normal reaction to this situation….. Time and time again, I extend the olive branch….only to have it rammed down my throat later. There have been plenty of occassions since 1995 that you have treated me in a less than respectful way, you have cursed at me, called me names, etc..etc… I can absolutely guarantee you that I would not email you in a harsh way if you would stop with your vindictiveness with regard to the children. I’m not always going to agree with the things you do, if you had the common courtesy to respond to my concerns (like with the bus stop thing) I might understand your perspective and move on and sometimes we may have to come to a compromise. It’s called “co-parenting”, which you seem unable to wrap your head around. If we can’t communicate with regard to the children, the 50/50 arrangement is not going to work for them. When you say my communication is “horrifyingly adversarial” I need you to give me an example?? 99% of the time, I state my business in a respectful way……1% of the time, I give you attitude……You need to look at the definition of the word “abuse” and “harrassment”. You are trying to victimize yourself when you’re not a victim. I’m not the only one here stuck in a cycle of behavior….why do you never look at yourself to find solutions to our prediciment? You haven’t done anything differntly since day 1 of this process. I was so excited after we met in November and now I’m just as mortified as I’ve been the three dozen times before when I had “high hopes” for a better relationship.
You do what you feel you must…with regard to the communication…..if the abuse is too much for you….maybe you should treat me a little nicer. I am the mother of your children. Why is it so inconceiveable that we could be friends? You’re the one that is preventing that. But I will tell you this right now, come April……if things are status quo…..I’ll be requesting an evaluation for the boys. As far as the hearing on Jan 24th…..I’m keeping that because so far I see no remorse on your part for what you did.
~PEW
More of the same. Delusional. Simply delusional. The projection is plain to see, as well as her clear abuse of the court system, knowing her petition is false, but she will keep the hearing simply because I’m not remorseful enough for her. And something in my gut is telling me that this is the email where you have to give her a dose of reality. My gut is telling me that even though it will absolutely mean nothing to her, every once in a while you have to bury the borderline in an avalanche of reality. You do. It may have no impact, but my gut is telling me that just the fact that she will have to read reality is enough for me.
The following reply violates every covenant of how to appropriately handle hostile emails. I know it does. I am holding back for the moment, but I really have a strong compulsion to send this… email not-yet-sent:
(1/10/2008 – The as-yet unsent Email Bomb from LM):
Okay, you asked, I will do this… one more time. If you take everything you have written and read it back to your self, replacing LM with PEW, you will have reality. Examples of your “communicativeness” since the November 2nd hearing, which doesn’t include harassment by voice mails, text, or when you involved the kids in the issues.
1. You’re a bastard.
2. you are an evil person
3. Get a set of your own and be a father……
4. total psycho for a father
5. You disgust me.
6. You’re a sick person
7. because their SICK father
8. grow up and be a man!!
9. Get to a psychiatrist LM, you need help badly…..you need medication or something.
10. You’re an idiot.
Now I know you will read that list and come back with “well it’s ALL true, therefore it’s not abuse.” Yes, I know, you are always the victim, and I always deserve what you dish out. Show me a single e-mail where I have called you a name, questioned your mental imbalances, or any other form of abuse.
What did you do “kind” over Christmas? You filed in court to interrupt my holiday, yet again, before Christmas was even here. Is that your idea of an olive branch? Then when you found out you were wrong, you started on a barrage of e-mails detailing how awful I am and how you have been victimized by me yet again, when in fact, I had Christmas because of your actions last year. It had nothing to do with anything I had done. Just another thing you will never take responsibility for. A normal person would say “you know what, I messed up last year, I’m really sorry, is there any way I can come down to [your area] on a weekend before or after Christmas and spend time with the kids?” But no, you instead begin a harrassment campaign and file in court, even though you are wrong.
Then you say you are the “better” person and are going to withdraw the petition since you were wrong, and yet, here we are, and you haven’t, so I guess you aren’t the “better” person after all. Talk about no remorse, I still haven’t received an apology for last year, or any of the false petitions and reports you have filed. You send me bizarre e-mails detailing how I should remember the times we made love by the fire (this, after numerous and patently false accusations of ME “not being able to move on after you divorced me”) – it’s pretty clear you are the only one still thinking of any allegedly “good” times – all while you continue to tell me what an asshole I am and how you will be taking me back to court, yet again, to take the children away from me. Where is that olive branch? It’s jammed up my ass where you always jam it, PEW.
We cannot co-parent because you have no idea what that means. Co-parenting does not mean that you tell me what to do, like your “suggestion” that I allow the kids to watch more TV and play video games or I will be to blame when we have rebels on our hands. We already have rebels on our hands, because of your parenting style, which is throw them in front of the TV or computer and repeatedly fail to instill any discipline when they act out. You’re too busy buying their love and being all buddy-buddy with them because there is always big bad daddy to punish them, why should you bother? When the teacher asks for your input, you tell them to “talk to the counselor” because “I don’t know what to do.” When I didn’t live up there, their behavior issues were because I wasn’t around. Now you conveniently blame their behavior issues on the fact that I have 50% custody. You will always have me to blame when something goes wrong, just as you have always done. You have never taken responsibility for a single thing in this mess, other than to say you made the mistake of marrying me. Spare me the story again, I assure you it was a much bigger mistake for me.
All this from the woman, the so-called “respectful woman who only wants to co-parent,” who has called CPS with a false allegation on us, making your own children be interrogated, called the sheriff’s office, and so much more, for no reason other than your petty jealousy that I and the children have a life, too, beyond you. They happen to like their Father, DW, SD1, and SS1 and have a good time with us and that, for some inexplicable reason – is a threat to you. I know you had it in your head that if I got a job up there I would leave DW and move back in with you, which defies explanation. Why you would think that when you have done nothing but try to convince everyone how I abused you for ten years is beyond me. Why you have this idea that you are anywhere near as beautiful, nice, or smart as DW, is beyond comprehension. I am there for the children, not for you. What kind of a woman who swears she was abused by me for ten years, would invite me to live in her house? Your story doesn’t match up and it never will.
I will do what I believe is an appropriate parenting style, teach my children right from wrong, not bad-mouth their mother despite all she has done and continues to do, continue to encourage their relationship with you and remind them that you love them. I will instill discipline and responsibility in them, despite the shit you tell them – all the things someone equipped to co-parent does. My experience is that you have little to none of that and that is why co-parenting is not possible with you.
I suggest you move on with your life.
Here it is, broken down for you in chronological order:
12/4/2007: You start criticizing my parenting with absolutely no knowledge of how things are done in my home. They get more than enough television and videogames at your home and you’re dictating to me that they should have more tv and videogames at my house?
“LM,
Just a heads up for you…..you are way way way too strict on our boys. This is not 1950 anymore…there IS TV, there ARE video games…..”everything in moderation”…..you need to loosen up before we have a couple rebels on our hands. I’m really starting to get annoyed with the whole situation.”
Communication like yours above doesn’t deserve a response.
12/11/2007: After lengthy pre-hearing discussions and acknowledgement from you to the judge no fewer than three times, you start down the path of holiday destruction again, attempting to ruin my time with the children by feigning confusion (again):
“LM,
I’m trying to figure out the holidays…..I’m assuming you’ll drop them off on the 23rd…pick up again on christmas eve, bring back on Christmas day? Can you let me know.”
I responded by letting you know what we agreed to both prior to the hearing and you re-affirmed several times for Judge [Contempt] at the hearing. You then went ballistic.
12/11/2007: Abusive, harassing tirade in reply to a one-sentence, factual reply regarding the agreement:
“You cannot have them three weeks in a row. That is bullshit, we weren’t operating on this arrangement then. You had the whole summer and then moved up here too. You’re a bastard.”
Is that your 1% disrespectful e-mails? I guess I should expect I will have 99% nice ones coming now. Communication like yours above doesn’t deserve a response.
12/11/2007: As you always have, you continue with your demanding, bullying tactics:
“when were you planning on returning them? I want them on Sunday the 23rd.”
I had already answered you. You didn’t deserve a reply to your demand. You continue with your deluge of hate mail…
12/11/2007: You threaten legal action, like you always do, despite having no grounds nor justification. You are abusing the legal system to try to get your way and using the children as leverage and trying to guilt me, as you have always done:
“It would make sense for you to get the days you missed from the 24th to the 27th, but not the whole week??? That is not the intention of the make up time form last year. I am sick to my stomach that you are going to do this to them. I am filing tomorrow in the hopes that they will get us in before Christmas.”
Hmmm, maybe the next one will be nice. Is that the olive branch? Do you know what an olive branch is? Threatening communication like you’ve done above doesn’t deserve a response.
12/11/2007: You sit at your computer sending email after email after email despite my having already told you what the schedule was, a schedule we agreed to. A holiday schedule that was what it was due to your being found in contempt of court for custodial interference the previous Christmas:
“It’s hopeless to even talk to you….you are an evil person…”
Guess I was wrong, still not nice. Communication like yours above doesn’t deserve a response.
12/16/2007: excerpt of another email trying to leverage the children as a guilt mechanism to have me bow to your demands, just as you always have:
“You have been so cruel”
Maybe you had your numbers backwards? Maybe it’s 99% disrespectful and 1% respectful? Communication like yours above doesn’t deserve a response.
12/18/2007: You set me up for failure by informing me with 1-day’s notice that S2 needs Christmas cards for his classmates. You knew about this assignment long before that and put me in a serious bind. I don’t do that shit to you.
“Also, I forgot to give you his list for his Christmas cards that Mrs. S2Teacher wants them all to do for their party on thursday the 20th.”
Not only is that deliberate behavior, it’s inappropriate and sets up S2 to look bad when the assignment cannot be completed on time. That apparently doesn’t matter to you in your efforts to make me look bad, but throwing your children under the bus in your quest to make me pay is nothing new.
12/18/2007: Despite me telling you the facts about the agreement, you persist:
“What else do you need to convince you that you’re wrong?”
It doesn’t deserve a response.
12/19/2007: You persist:
“are you going to bring the kids back “per the order”?”
12/20/2007: Now, after having explained both in email and over the phone, you persist with your badgering (it’s called harassment at this point, PEW):
“I’ll dig mine up. What does it say about Christmas? do you remember? I can’t figure out for the life of me how you decided that you would get the whole week next week?”
It doesn’t deserve a response.
12/20/2007: After going home and reading the petition which was subsequently made into the order, you send no fewer than 6-emails, all without response… all within the span of about an hour making fun of me, my parenting, my partner, falsely accusing her (again) of abusing the children, my manhood, my psychological stability… vulgar language, and the list goes on.
12/26/2007 – 12/28/2007: You continue to persist, again citing “confusion” over the language of the order demanding I bring the children home for New Year’s. You flood me with emails again. It is also the first time you bring up the Pinewood Derby cars, knowing I am out of town, knowing that you had them for approximately 2-weeks, and again, deliberately setting me up to be the bad guy with no consideration for S1, who would also suffer if we can’t make it happen due to your inability to communicate.
“what time and where for monday? also, are you going to make the Pinewood Derby cars with the boys or should I have my dad do it?”
On 12/31/2007, I relent and explain to you the order again, in a polite, respectful manner. You respond with threats, false accusations, insults, namecalling, everything you always do, always have done, and it appears – always will do, including threatening more of your abuse via the legal system:
“total psycho for a father”
“They hate it there”
“You disgust me.”
“I’m filing for another hearing”
“You’re a sick person”
“their SICK father”
“you’re a sick sick person”
“I hope your holiday is ruined”
“Get help.”
“grow up and be a man!!”
“Get to a psychiatrist LM, you need help badly…..you need medication or something.”
1/2/2008: In response to my offering you to take the children a few days early so that you could celebrate and enjoy a full weekend with them comes your attempt to manipulate me into giving you the children earlier, this perhaps could be considered blackmail, which I’m sure the judge will appreciate:
“If you let me pick them up today and have them for the rest of the week I’ll consider cancelling the hearing.”
This is clear evidence of you using the legal system to harass and manipulate both me and the children. Not good, PEW. Not good at all.
I’ve now grown tired of entertaining your mindless ranting and have sufficiently wasted all too much of my time to set you straight on reality. There have been several more of this variety since then, but this should paint a very clear picture of your “communicativeness” and “olive branch extending” efforts. Disgraceful. This will be the last time I do this as a courtesy to you. All future evidence will simply be brought to court since you can’t live without going in front of the Judge for no discernable reason whatsoever. I just want to live in peace. For someone that supposedly has a new boyfriend, you spend an awful lot of time trying to engage the ex-husband you left. If anyone needs psychiatric help here, it’s you. Only I’m serious and not saying it just to be insulting.
I don’t need any more of your communicativeness. Thank you.
~LM
————————————————————
I want to send it. I won’t. I will “send it” (figuratively) when it’s useful – in court, as evidence of what I continue to have to overcome in order to have a peaceful, normal life with my loved-ones.
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