Childhood Obesity Crisis – The Beginning

In the posts Childhood Obesity Crisis Looms Part I and Childhood Obesity Crisis Looms Part II, I provided details about the history and concerns regarding our diametrically opposed approaches to the children’s diets, especially the types and frequency of snacking. It obviously became much worse after our split because, there was no ability to mitigate what went on when the children were with her.

The following demonstrates a clear example of how things were going to be. It reached a point where literally every single day that the children were to be with me, they would be delivered mid-afternoon with some sort of a snack just being finished up. What precipitated this email was a 4th consecutive day of them being dropped off with rather large ice-cream cones.

PEW,

I’m not asking you this to be a pain-in-the-ass. This is important and I hope that you will have no problem with it.

Today would mark the 4th consecutive time you’ve dropped the kids off immediately following a trip to get ice cream. I am asking you to please stop that practice.

#1 – It makes it incredibly difficult for me at dinnertime when they’ve had ice-cream at 2:30PM. I don’t need that kind of problem when I’m trying so hard to get them to eat more of the right things and snack a little less.

#2 – It makes it more difficult for me to use an after-dinner snack as a reward for good behavior when they’ve had a snack like that already, and mere hours before dinner. So, not only does it make for a bad eating habit, it also undermines my work to give them an after-dinner snack when they’ve earned it.

If you feel you must give them an ice cream snack, please give it to them at lunchtime or something and not right before you drop them off to me.

Thanks.

~LM

It was August 16th, 2004. No provocative language. A straight-up plea for her to take more seriously the nature of what the kids were eating and, more importantly, when they were eating it.

Not only did she not reply. She didn’t stop the practice. This is one of those classic examples of giving the high-conflict spouse and excuse to do more of what you would genuinely like them to not do. What sucks about this particularly situation, well – it actually did with most – was that it was to the kids’ benefit. That didn’t matter as long as it was something with which I didn’t agree. That’s the shame of it all. She just kept right on doing it and if you read the other posts linked in the opening of this one – you’ll see just how bad things have gotten with S1.

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PG-13: Parents Strongly Cautioned!

As the madness began to escalate in the summer of 2004, I made an issue out of a movie that PEW took the children to see. The movie was Spiderman 2. I probably wouldn’t have given it a second-thought until S1, then only 5-years old, told me about how scary the movie was and also showed me the “sexy kissing” he saw in the movie. When I asked him to show me what he meant, without a partner, he did a darn good demonstration of what a french-kiss looks like. Well, if a Saint Bernard was delivering one. It wasn’t quite like the tutorial brought to you by Wiki-How on french kissing.

In any event, I hadn’t realized that the movie was rated PG-13 by the Motion Picture Association of America. While I realize that I am more than likely in the distinct minority when it comes the types of movies that parents allow their young children to see, I don’t think it’s appropriate for children aged 5 and 3 to attend a PG-13 rated movie. From the MPAA:

A PG-13 rating is a sterner warning by the Rating Board to parents to determine whether their children under age 13 should view the motion picture, as some material might not be suited for them. A PG-13 motion picture may go beyond the PG rating in theme, violence, nudity, sensuality, language, adult activities or other elements, but does not reach the restricted R category. The theme of the motion picture by itself will not result in a rating greater than PG-13, although depictions of activities related to a mature theme may result in a restricted rating for the motion picture. Any drug use will initially require at least a PG-13 rating. More than brief nudity will require at least a PG-13 rating, but such nudity in a PG-13 rated motion picture generally will not be sexually oriented. There may be depictions of violence in a PG-13 movie, but generally not both realistic and extreme or persistent violence. A motion picture’s single use of one of the harsher sexually-derived words, though only as an expletive, initially requires at least a PG-13 rating. More than one such expletive requires an R rating, as must even one of those words used in a sexual context. The Rating Board nevertheless may rate such a motion picture PG-13 if, based on a special vote by a two-thirds majority, the Raters feel that most American parents would believe that a PG-13 rating is appropriate because of the context or manner in which the words are used or because the use of those words in the motion picture is inconspicuous.

This is not children’s fodder, no matter what you see when you cruise through the movie theatres and the stuff that parents will actually take their children to see. In any event, I asked her in the aftermath of the kissing demonstration by S1 to cease and desist.

PEW,

So… S1 is telling me about a movie he and S2 saw with Mommy. And he tells me how he watched Spider Man. I’m thinking the cartoon or something, but then he tells me that he “knows how grown-ups kiss.”

I ask him to show me. And (without a partner) – he does a pretty decent job of re-enacting a french kiss.

PEW… that movie is PG-13. PG-13 movies were pretty much “R” movies back in the days before PG-13 was made to get more kids in the theatre. In any event, a PG-13 movie is “inappropriate for children under 13.” Just because they are accompanied by an adult, doesn’t mean that they are suddenly appropriate. I would greatly appreciate it if, in the future, you don’t take him and/or S2 to see a movie that is rated higher than PG. Even PG movies can have strong language.

Spiderman 2 was not an appropriate movie for the boys to go see. The level of violence and the adult situations in that movie are inappropriate for the boys. Use your head.

~LM

This early attempt at keeping things calm, cool, and collected was scuttled by my closing sentence. However, knowing PEW as we do, it really probably didn’t matter in the grand scheme of things. It wasn’t a genuine concern. It was a criticism. It was calling into question her parenting. Therefore, it was an “ATTACK!” The barrage of replies is quickly underway.

LM,

Well, I won’t be taking them to any more PG13 movies. But there was no french kissing in the movie, so maybe he saw that when you were watching your soap opera. Give me a break LM. Stop trying to find shit to bolster your custody case. You make me sick.

~PEW

Liar. That wasn’t even really the issue. It was the level of violence that had me most concerned. Hell, the movie trailers were violent enough. Of course, this wouldn’t be my only attempt to curtail inappropriate viewing entertainment as we saw with the whole WWE debacle earlier in 2008.

PEW,

a) He doesn’t watch soap operas.

b) What he did was mimic a french kiss and tell me that you tried to cover his eyes.

c) The level of violence in that movie is the bigger problem with me.

Get a clue. All I asked is that you not take them to see anymore PG13 movies. Thank you for acknowledging that and agreeing not to take them to anymore of those movies.

Have a great weekend.

~LM

LM,

Please leave me alone. I am seriously trying to do my best. I have a tough job, rough hours, I take care of our kids FULL TIME. I was trying to be amicable with you but I am seriously doubting that you know the meaning of the word. Unless it is urgent and regarding safety, please address your concerns to [my attorney]. That is what I am paying her for.

I also took the kids to the [boat museum]. Should I have cleared that through you? How bout the hair cuts? I also bought S1 a new pair of sneakers. I took them [on vacation] this summer. To see Shrek II. We went to the Zoo. [We went to parks], swimming…..the list goes on and on. What have you done? Oh yeah, you’ve been on lock down at MY HOUSE all summer watching television. Living in my house, where I should be with MY kids.

You are a loser. LOSER. LOSER LOSER!

You’re welcome……asshole. now hurry up and print this out so you can take it to court with you. Along with the past 5 years worth of “alleged” emails you have. Some husband you are.

~PEW

Pooooooooooooor PEW.

– Tough job, rough hours. That’s the schedule she chose in order to put herself into position to leverage her alleged story that she was home full-time during the week to “care” for her kids. CHECK!

– The FULL TIME card is pulled. CHECK! (Nevermind pre-K, daycare, etc.)

– The “I’m trying to be amicable” delusion. CHECK!

– “MY” house. That house she rarely contributed financially to, unless you count amassing debt. The house she walked out of voluntarily. CHECK!

– “MY” kids. The kid-owner language of a vindictive ex. CHECK!

– Insulting, name-calling amicable language. CHECK!

Touch’em all, girl – you hit the Grand Slam!

And so ended the month of July in 2004. Who needs fireworks in July when you have a high-conflict soon-to-be ex-wife?

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You’ve Been Holding Me Hostage for YEARS!

Okay, time to jump back into the time machine as we’ve just started down the divorce/custody path. July was relatively uneventful, but I still did get nasty emails and voice mails. I suppose I put her in my block list on instant messenger which would account for the lack of IM ambushes during the summer.

After one particularly nasty voice mail message, I called back and told her I wouldn’t reply to such nastiness anymore. She followed with an email:

LM,

I received your VM message. Are you serious? Disrespectful? I told you that you’re a liar so you’re going to get a restraining order? Seriously? I wasn’t even angry on the phone.

Here’s how things went down….the facts. You need to check yourself.

I asked you for a divorce over 3 years ago when I was pregnant with S2. Then I asked for a divorce about 5 subsequent times over the following 3 years. You told me “No, I’m not giving you a divorce”. I went to the counselor of your choosing, both Dr. M…… and Dr. P…… I went to individual counseling. Only to realize that I couldn’t fix what was wrong between us, especially since you weren’t willing to change because you self diagnosed me as being “mentally ill” because I use too much electricity or whatever your reasons are. Maybe because I asked you to do a little housework or something.

Anyway, here we are 3 years later. I was hoping I would be able to stick it out until the boys were older. Maybe I should have, who knows? This isn’t where I want to be in my life right now, but when you decided that you “deserved” a motorcycle…..that’s when I decided that there really was no use in punishing myself anymore. I made a mistake. I married someone who loves money and things more than people. I’m trying to correct that mistake. I’m finding out exactly how “right” I actually was all this time. You want to be the primary custodial parent so that you don’t have to pay support. I know it, you know it, [your lawyer] knows it, [my lawyer] knows it, everyone in both of our family knows it……the judge will know it.

You need to do a little soul searching…..if you have one. I love the boys and I know you do. I want to co-parent with you. I want an amicable relationship. I used to want to be friends, but I’ve let go of that notion completely. I can’t be friends with someone who would put money in front of his own children.

Get a grip on yourself, PLEASE. I’m pissed and rightfully so. You have been holding me hostage for years and YOU KNOW IT. Maybe that’s why I seem mentally ill do you. Also if you keep saying stuff like that, I’m going to ask [my lawyer] to look into slander charges.

~PEW

Mmmhmmm… the facts:

– She was her usual nasty self via VM. No one has bigger voice mail and email muscles than PEW.

– She claims to have gone to a counselor of my choosing. She didn’t. She refused to go and I went to counseling on my own. When her paranoia about what was being discussed in those sessions became too unbearable, she decided to come and tell “her version” of the truth. When confronted about some of her issues by both – she quit.

– All of her claims about “money and things” are absolutely projection on her part. I can still hear the reason for the divorce: “You don’t make enough money, I don’t have enough things, and therefore, you just don’t treat me right.” I kid you not.

– She would often claim co-parenting, wanting to be friends, wanting to be amicable, all the while doing the exact opposite every single step of the way.

PEW,

Do not harrass me by phone or I will take appropriate action. I have no objection to your being pissed off at me for any reason, legitimate or otherwise. I will not allow your verbal abuse to continue any more.

If you want to vent at me, do it via email. If you call me and are disrespectful and abusive any more in the future, I will take action.

That is all I have to say on the subject.

Thank you. Have a nice day.

~LM

LM,

You need to outline for me what it was that I said that you considered “verbal abuse” because historically anything that is in disagreement with your opinion is “abuse”……please elaborate. I was not abusive to you on the phone. Your hystrionics need to stop. You screamed in my face for the past 10 years now all of the sudden, me calling you a “liar” is me abusing YOU?

~PEW

I should have replied, “When you open your mouth.”

PEW,

I will not outline what constitutes verbal abuse. As I said in my VM, I will now record every phone conversation we have. It has nothing to do with you calling me a liar and everything to do with the name-calling and the wild accusations you levy at me with no foundation in reality.

If you continue to do this, particularly via phone, and especially if you call me in work to do it, I will record the conversation and take any appropriate action I can to see that it stops.

I don’t harass you in work. I don’t harrass you at home. I expect the same in return. Stop initiating fights.

~LM

Do you see a pattern here? (From BOTH of us?) Oh, do I wish I had learned about low-contact in 2004 instead of 2005.

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The "Secret" Motorcycle Story – EXPOSED!!!

I’ve threatened to tell this story and will do so now. Other than DW, I don’t believe I shared the circumstances that allowed me to buy a motorcycle. When PEW filed for divorce, I decided that I was going to do something “just for myself” and not allow PEW’s rants and raves to prevent me from doing so. Still, a motorcycle wasn’t possible financially, especially with a divorce looming.

As PEW is want to do – the root cause of any negative situation that she has encountered is the last most recent event via which she can blame it on me, whether it makes sense or not. She blames my purchase of a motorcycle, selfish as that allegedly was, as the final straw for divorce. Nevermind that I didn’t purchase a motorcycle (nor did I have any plans to) until April of 2004 and only because I was lucky that my father provided me an opportunity to obtain it. In fact, he essentially purchased the motorcycle for me.

The early timeline is as follows:

– She filed for divorce in January of 2004.
– She takes until May 2004 to search for and obtain an apartment.
– Motorcycle purchase occurred in mid-April of 2004.

The story goes something like this…

I had really given up the hopes that I would get a motorcycle anytime soon. Though EE, PEW’s dad, had a friend who had a nice one in storage that was a steal at the price – $3,000 – I simply didn’t have it and couldn’t justify such a purchase at that time (divorce or not). I had forgotten about it until my father told me during a phone conversation in March of 2004 – he was selling his boat. A nice boat. A boat he hardly used.

Knowing lots of people who were into boating and a couple of people who were looking for a boat – including psycho-FIL – I came up with an ingenious idea. Being an avid eBay seller and having several friends who were members of “Yacht Clubs” – I would offer to help my dad, for a price.

I asked him how much he needed to get for it. The number was $19,000. I floated the proposal: “Dad, since I’d really like to get that motorcycle, I was wondering if you would consider this idea. If I can get more than the $19,000 that you need to get for the boat, can I have the difference up to the total price of the motorcycle?” He laughed and said, “Sure.”

So I went about my business of marketing the boat. Produced color flyers with plenty of photos and a price of $25,000. My research indicated that this boat was a steal at even that price and gave me plenty of buffer in negotiations to still possibly get the entire bike paid for. My friends took the flyers to their boat clubs. Then I heard that my psycho-FIL was looking to upgrade from his old dinghy.

Another opportunity.

[Break in the story]

At this point, I’m sure you’re questioning how the hell any of this was even possible given that it was already common knowledge that PEW and I were divorcing. I don’t know. I do recall keeping direct discussion to a minimum, preferring instead to allow him to deal directly with my father except for a single negotiation session. After all, my dad was a “least-hassle” kinda guy and I couldn’t afford to have him just bail and get his $19,000. Also, the boat was more important to FIL than absolute allegiance to his daughter (at that time).

[Back to the story]

So, after several visits and EE trying to use his soon-to-be non-existent leverage as “family” to cry poor-mouth, he acknowledged that the $25,000 price was more than fair as explained to him by his boating cronies who went to see the boat with him. Still, a bit steep for his pocketbook.

I told my father that I was going to do this once… negotiate… and tell FIL that he was only willing to move a little bit, and split the difference between his purchase price limit and the asking price. $22,500. Then I left it in fate’s hands… and my father’s hands.

Then came the news. After several weeks of back-and-forth, visits, test-drives, a deal was struck and the agreed-upon price was:

$22,500. Beautiful.

Dad sells the boat to FIL for $22,500.

Dad agreed to give me anything over-and-above, up to the price of the motorcycle, his must-have price of $19,000.

The difference: $3,500.

The price of the motorcycle: $3,000.

My father bought the motorcycle for me (He essentially gave me the cash with the stipulation that it go for the motorcycle and for nothing else. It wasn’t for the divorce. It wasn’t for anything other than his feeling that I should do something for myself for once and everything and everyone else be damned… things weren’t going to get better for me.)

The irony of this story is obvious. My father didn’t buy me the motorcycle that seemingly became the lightning rod of the marriage (at least in her delusions). HER father bought me the motorcycle. He bought my father’s boat for himself and he bought me my motorcycle.

Up until this day, I’ve shared the secret only with DW. I do take some small measure of glee in that fact and thank them for helping me out with that purchase… both my own father and PEW’s father.

I didn’t get to drive it too much those first few months. Given the circumstances, I thought it best to store it at a friend’s house as I didn’t want to come home from work one day to find it destroyed. I didn’t bring it to the house until after she had moved out. Anyway, I still have it today, and given the price of gas, I’m thrilled that I do!

If not for the reality that the motorcycle was (essentially) a gift from my dad which I worked hard to make a reality, I probably still wouldn’t have one. Also, I have absolutely no guilt whatsoever. I came up with the idea and did the work to make sure it happened.

The motorcycle would become a bone of contention in court, however, a simple affidavit from my father scuttled their claim that I “hid” marital assets (cash) and used it to buy the motorcycle. He confirmed it was a gift from him without the reality of how that gift came to be, which is why the story is still a “secret.” (In reality – I don’t know why I’ve still kept it a secret.)

Anything for the extra buck with her.

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I Didn’t Put Up With You for 10-Years to Walk Away with $20K!

I was going to pay some sort of penalty or restitution! Still, she’ll mirror my language and accuse me of having a “sense of entitlement” that is “baffling.”

It’s April 29th, 2004 and in the span of a mere 3-weeks, we discover why you can’t negotiate with someone with a high-conflict mindset, particularly someone having or is reasonably suspected of having borderline personality disorder.

From my offer of $25,000 which was rejected… To her demand of $30,000 which I agreed to and then she changed her mind…. To her demand of $35,000 which I agreed to and then she changed her mind… To her demand of $40,000 which I couldn’t agree to because I couldn’t make that much cash available to her. Eventually, I would offer her a full QDRO transfer of my entire main 401K (approximately $47,000) to keep the marital home, but she would reject that, too, because she was hell-bent on buying a home of her own as fast as she could.

You cannot negotiate with a BPD, especially with a negative-advocate attorney making promises that she simply would not be able to keep.

PEW: you fed the dog, right?
LM: yup
PEW: thanks. [My lawyer] should be sending a response today or tomorrow to [your lawyer] on the offer
LM: ok. Any insight? Or just a flat, thanks but no thanks?
PEW: well….it’s going to say that $40k plus the van is the minimum……if we have to litigate, i’ll be asking for more….and I’ll be having the house re-appraised because I believe the prices of houses in the neighborhood have increased over the past two months….

Yes, the “minimum.” More than half of the estimated proceeds of the home. The more valuable of the 2 vehicles. “Minimum.” Which means that no matter what I offered next, had I been stupid enough to do it a fifth time – wouldn’t have been enough. The never-agreeing BPD. The constantly moving target.

LM: Ok.
PEW: and no counter offer will be considered
LM: Very good.
PEW: and [my lawyer] thinks $40k is too little for me to be asking for
LM: Good for [your lawyer]. As long as the meter is running… that doesn’t surprise me at all.
PEW: but I told her, I’m trying to keep it as amicable as possible
LM: I hope you think it’s worth it.
PEW: i hope you think it’s worth it……i’m really starting to get very bitter about the whole thing

STARTING?!?! Starting to get bitter about the whole thing? It would appear from her clear and convincing words over the course of the last 8-years (at this point in time) – that she’s never been “unbitter” about much of anything.

AMICABLE?!?! lol… If this was amicable, I’d hate to see what was completely maniacal about the whole thing.

LM: It ain’t my fault. [Your lawyer] has you believing that you are legally entitled to some windfall.
PEW: no…I believe I am entitled to 50% of the equity in this house…..
LM: You have to listen to her advice.
PEW: 50% of your profits in the 401k since the marriage….. and 50% of everything else

Right. Got it. Notice the language… “your.” Notice the language… “entitled.” None of what limited assets she had counted. Only “your” 401K. Only “your” pre-marital equity in the home to which she contributed almost nothing at all towards mortgage payments, repairs, or other upkeep.

LM: The offer includes all that.
PEW: no…..it doesn’t
LM: It’s 50% of the TOTAL of BOTH 401 Ks. But hey… don’t listen to me. Listen to [your lawyer]. And we’ll go to court and abide by their judgement.
PEW: exactly. and you’ll wind up having to sell the house….which is what you should have done in the first place….
LM: We’ll see.
PEW: but hey…we wouldn’t be getting a divorce if you weren’t so pig headed, we will see LM.
LM: Pig headed? About what?
PEW: about this house….what it’s worth…what I’m entitled to…what you’re entitled to. it’s unbelieveable
LM: The appraisal is what it is.
PEW: this house would sell now…for about $280k. was what it was

We’d been in the house for less than 3-years at that point. We owed approximately $187,000. As I recall, the April appraisal came it at about $257,000. Pre-sale equity of about $70,000. (It appraised higher than I expected after only 2-1/2+ years… $60,000 more than the purchase price. She was cashing out at the perfect time.)

Still, she is in denial. Despite the appraisal, she still insisted that a much higher number was what it would sell for and somehow expected that she would walk into court, sans settlement, and be able to convince a judge that she was entitled to more.

LM: YOU act like I’m making up numbers.
PEW: i think I can get it reappraised for much higher
LM: Do you read any finance pages? You gonna keep getting it reappraised until someone tells you a number you want to hear?

She would do that, too… later and on her own dime. The house would appraise in October of 2004 for an additional $18,000 ($285,000) and give her the leverage she would need (in my head) to force me to abandon my attempt to keep things as close to “as they were” for the children and I as I could. Logistical convenience for all of us be damned. Maintaining some continuity for the children be damned. She wanted her money and I would put myself into a big hole trying to maintain the home completely on my own while paying child-support and temporary alimony.

I only wish my attorney had told me to give it up, go to equitable distribution, and take your chances with a judge (that were probably really good). The beauty of hindsight…

PEW: if we go to court…..i’m arguing for 70%
LM: You can argue for 100%… There is NO case law that will justify such a judgement in your favor.
PEW: we’ll see…..I have a REAL lawyer….you don’t
LM: ok
PEW: most people would take out a home equity loan…..or sell the house if need be……not you. why you need to keep this house is beyond me
LM: I’ve explained it to you countless times.
PEW: your sense of entitlement baffles the senses
LM: It’s not entitlement. lol. If I have to move someplace distant… The kids have to go into daycare. Is that what you want? The location of the school.
PEW: so it’s ok for the kids to live in an apartment when their with me…..because their dad refuses to give me half of my money so I can buy another house
LM: The flexibility of my schedule.
PEW: HA
LM: I offered you what is reasonably expected to get from the sale of the house. And if you think a court is going to say… that we agreed to have it appraised but you don’t like the number… so you can shop for another appraiser two months later…
PEW: I like the #
LM: …I think you’re sadly mistaken.
PEW: but prices have gone up. look around. sharply
LM: You look around.
PEW: i have
LM: Not in two months, PEW.
PEW: yes in two months
LM: lol
PEW: do you read the real estate section
LM: I’m not going to argue with your financial information, PEW. You keep paying your attorney for her magical math… And we’ll figure it all out in court.
PEW: listen I didn’t put up with you for 10 years to walk away with $20k. nope

Will one of my readers let me know when you can identify a time in (m)any of these discussions where she actually focuses on what would be most beneficial to the kids? Thanks in advance.

I think she really had it in her head that my keeping the house would someone mean that I “won” and she “lost.” Clearly, she wasn’t going to have any of that.

LM: ok I told you before, I understand your position. You gotta do what you gotta do.
PEW: and you’re gonna feel like an ass when you get in front of a judge. a big ass
LM: No I won’t. We’ve been married 7-1/2 years, PEW. Not 30
PEW: I am totally confident…that my lawyer….who actually works divorces every day….
LM: You do that. This is the same lawyer who first told you $1200 a month. And reality is just under $900 a month.
PEW: if I had full custoday. custody
LM: The same one who said that the van was worth $8000
PEW: that was full custody. i said that …not her. i gave her that figure and told her to work with it
LM: ok
PEW: she told me $13,000

…and yet, she never wavered in her belief that the numbers her attorney was telling her were achievable. Even with a glaring error like this, which I would easily refute with appraisals (cars, home, collectibles, if necessary) – and my constantly telling her that her attorney was making promises that weren’t going to be kept… even when she would correct an error like the above to make the disparity worse – she was all over “70%.”

LM: Is that all for now?
PEW: no…..are you ever going to buy any groceries or are the kids going to starve when they are with you. they both need sneakers too
LM: I will when it becomes my responsibility. When you move out.
PEW: are you ever going to clean
LM: Yep… when you move out and stop making a friggin’ mess of the place.
PEW: and…..as long as I still am on the mortgage…..I will be making sure you’re keeping things up around here
LM: Oh, I can arrange to change that.
PEW: i don’t make a mess. you can try
LM: Another in a long line of IM ambushes. Thanks.
PEW: ambush?
LM: You’re clearly agitated and on the attack again. And I’ve really run out of time for this with you.
PEW: you would be agitated too if you were me. i’m moving into a little apartment with my kids…..
LM: Your choice. Not mine.
PEW: and you….are keeping our 4 bedroom home for yourself…. and the 3 whole days you’ll have them. what is my choice?

Even today I’m not sure if that “3-whole days you’ll have them” was a tip-off that she would move to go for custody of the children, but if it was – I missed it.

LM: Divorce.
PEW: getting on with my life?
LM: Moving out. Yep. You set the wheels in motion, and then blame me. Convenient.
PEW: we wouldn’t need a divorce if you ever treated me decently
LM: Yeah, I’ve heard it all before. Save it.
PEW: i had to get a divorce to get new furniture. and paint however I want
LM: No, you had to agree to budgeting and savings… and instead, ran up thousands in CC debt..> AGAIN.
PEW: sure wouldve been nice if you let me get some new furniture…..would have saved yourself $40k. actually more than that
LM: So now you’re getting a divorce for furniture? You know how ridiculous that sounds?
PEW: maybe you should have taken me out to dinner every once in a while
LM: I did.
PEW: let me get my nails done. given me some money
LM: At least once/month until you wigged out on in January.
PEW: no……you didn’t
LM: Yes, I did.
PEW: i wish you had spent all the time you spent on the computer with me…..instead…. then we wouldn’t be getting a divorce
LM: Are you done?
PEW: no LM
LM: Okay… you keep typing… I’m gonna get back to work.
PEW: well, i guess i’m done…….but if you want to know why we’re getting a divorce, think about your cheapness….the screaming in my face…..the time you spend on your “hobbies”……if you could’ve changed one of those things…..maybe this wouldn’t be happening….but you couldn’t. 10 years fighting over the same stuff…..didn’t make one ioda of a difference in you. think about all the money you could have saved yourself. I hope you’re more unselfish in your next relationship. i would hate to see the kids have to go through this again. also…what kind of loving husband….saves every arguement that we ever had……that’s just sick. you wonder why I have been wanting this for a long time. you’ve been telling me for years that you save everything I say. the only reason I can’t say it in person is that you’ll scream in my face.

I can’t begin to tell you how many times she did this same delusional rant during the course of this process. Over and over and over again.

As for thinking about all the money I could have saved myself… I have. Anytime I did, it would make my stomach lurch… and I’m not just talking about the costs of going through these divorce and custody battles… I’m talking the entire relationship. I went backwards the moment PEW came into my life and it’s been a financial “downhill” ever since.

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She Would Forego Alimony – How Gracious Of Her!

My initial offer to her based upon the figures researched and provided by my attorney – was $25,000, split the retirements 50/50, and she could have the more expensive of the two vehicles. On March 25th, she floated $30,000. I told her I would do it, put it in writing. She didn’t. On April 8th, the figure became $35,000. It would be tough to liquidate things and make that happen, but again, I told her I would do it, put it in writing. She didn’t. Now it’s April 23rd and the figure has become $40,000. I now had enough. The ever-moving target and part of why you can neither negotiate and, oftentimes, mediate with someone suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder. I spoke about this in my post regarding formal, document court orders/agreements. Settling would mean giving up the intoxicating effects of being in conflict.

LM: Crap.
PEW: what
LM: I was just informed that the meeting has been moved to the Holiday Inn. So, I’ll be even later.
PEW: when on the 30th
LM: “Plan to arrive at 7:30AM” Yeah, on the 30th
PEW: my new phone #will be [xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx]
LM: k. Don’t forget… unless you’re going to collect mail at the house… to go to the post office and put in for forwarding to the new address.
PEW: ok. also…..I don’t know if it makes a difference…… but I was up all night thinking about your offer…….and I decided that the minimum I could take is $40k +vehicle……I’m sorry but that’s what I need get myself situated
LM: ok
PEW: that’s 15k more
LM: I understand.

Yes, the ever-moving target. The moment I would say “okay” to her next demand, she came up with something new. It only took me three times to realize that this was going to be a pattern and one that wouldn’t be resolved until she forced the sale of the marital residence.

PEW: i know you had said let it go over the weekend, but I can save you attorney’s fees for sending it over and my attorney’s fees for reviewing it. if there’s any big boxes laying around over there…..could you bring them home
LM: I’m sure I could snag a few.
PEW: ok, i’ll talk to you later…..i’m gonna call a mover to see what it would cost me to move the bedroom set. bye
LM: Don’t make a committment. Just get a price.
PEW: ok
LM: We could rent a truck.
PEW: i know but it’s a second floor apt. what a pain in the ass it would be
LM: Quick thing.
PEW: yes?
LM: You do understand that even if we sold the house, we have no shot at having enough to split to $40K?
PEW: well…..I think we do…..some Realtors are doing 3% and 4% total right now. it’s very competitive out there. and houses in this neighborhood are pretty hot
LM: ok
PEW: in fact [neighbor] might know someone. we would easily have $80 to split. at $40……I would forgo alimony. which would be about $8k when all is said and done. you think about LM.

Yes, not only did she have all of the (wrong) answers, she was generous, too! She would “forego alimony.” Lucky me! Nevermind that she wasn’t entitled to alimony. Just her mere belief that she was made it so. It wasn’t. It never was. She was simply not going to get alimony but for her own delusions possibly bolstered by the empty promises of her then-attorney.

On the matter of the real estate agents, she was only partially correct. Ours would only charge us 3%. However, most buyers came with an agent who would also demand 3%.

LM: I can’t do $40. That’s the bottom line. I have no shot.
PEW: ok…..I can’t do $25k, so now what?
LM: No idea.
PEW: if we sold…..you could easily buy yourself something smaller…..what do you need this big house for…..and the big property. i don’t understand. S1 is going to be going to school in [my town]. Home to them is where we are. i’m sorry but I honestly think if we went in front of a judge she would think that is a fair #
LM: I suppose that’s what we’ll have to do then. I don’t have a choice.
PEW: very fair….but if gets all the way to that point i’m going to ask for more
LM: I understand.
PEW: you do have a choice….sell the house….you’re being ridiculous
LM: Actually, I’m not. If the end result of selling the house is splitting what I’ve offered, why go thru the hassle? Not only will the attorney’s costs go up… but we’d end up splitting anything that needs to be done to the house. Moving expenses. Drag it out until we get an offer and a settlement date.
PEW: moving expenses?
LM: Moving to wherever we live. You to the apartment… me to wherever. Then, the logistics of leaving at 2:30 gets all screwed up, because I don’t know where I would be able to afford to live.
PEW: if we put this house up…..it would sell in two weeks
LM: I understand that.
PEW: did you see that eyesore on the corner of Something Rd…. sold in under two weeks…..for close to $300k

Sure, she was assuming that S1 would already be going to school where she was moving (he didn’t) and she was flat-wrong about home being “wherever she was.” The kids were very alarmed that they would be potentially losing the only home they ever knew and all that went with it.

Keep in mind, things were an “eyesore” in PEW’s eyes. Never mind that the house she references was larger, had an in-home hot-tub room, and much more updated decor and appliances. Reality is – it was an “eyesore” because she had a figure in mind for our home that was not going to be defeated.

LM: Okay.
PEW: every other house in this neighborhood has sold in under two weeks
LM: Well, you’ve told me your decision. And I understand your position. There’s nothing I can do to make $40K happen. So we’ll end up stuck. Again.
PEW: unbelievable. there goes the good relationship too
LM: I’m not mad.
PEW: i am
LM: I said, I understand. That’s fine. But you think if we sell, you’re gonna get near 40. I think you’re mistaken.
PEW: well there’s only one way to find out
LM: Go to court.
PEW: i intend to……and you do realize….a judge could say $60k or $70k. I hope you’re prepared for that
LM: I sure am.
PEW: Your lawyer isn’t very sharp
LM: A judge is going to look at the assets and split them. Your lawyer is filling your head full of shit that she’ll never be able to back up.
PEW: yeah……a judge is not going to say…..well after you pay commission….here’s what’s left
LM: Yes, he will.
PEW: they don’t deduct commission
LM: Yes, they will. A judge will say…
PEW: we’ll see LM……my lawyer is totally prepared
LM: If you sell the house and you end up splitting $50G. And he’s already offered you $25G. And he can justify reasons for keeping the home. He won’t compel me to sell. But you listen to your lawyer.
PEW: how could that be, when the house WILL sell for $270k-280k
LM: The more you do, the more you have to pay her.
PEW: that’s fine
LM: Okay.
PEW: i believe that a judge will give me more than $40k. we’ll see

She had every reason to believe a judge would just “give her more” just because. She is a woman in a family/divorce court system heavily biased in favor of mothers. It would stand to reason that she would go in there expecting that there was some likelihood that she could ask for the moon – and get it.

LM: I know, but you fail to take into consideration that the apron of the driveway needs replacement. We have cracked trim in the kitchen. A crack in the layer of the countertop.
PEW: so what
LM: The roof is going to need to be ripped and replaced.
PEW: not before selling it
LM: I understand that.
PEW: did you read the appraisal
LM: But these are things buyer’s will consider. I did.
PEW: no…they won’t
LM: Okay. No reason to discuss it to this level of detail. I’ll call my lawyer and tell him that you’re going to reject the offer outright.
PEW: exactly……
LM: The next move will be on you.
PEW: make sure you tell him what i’m asking for. send it anyway, so your lawyer can laugh at it too
LM: I gave it a shot based upon what I can do. That’s fine.
PEW: you can do $40
LM: No, I can’t.
PEW: all you have to do is take out a loan for $15k
LM: I can’t afford that. PEW. Enough.
PEW: well fine then, you can’t keep the house
LM: It won’t work.
PEW: well then sell the house. simple
LM: As I said, I understand your position. I will let the court decide what is fair and equitable.
PEW: don’t expect me to EVER have a civil relationship with you if you screw me on this house. never. goodbye
LM: I’m not “screwing you.”

When did she ever believe I was expecting a civil relationship?

The reality was, on my salary, I could just afford to keep the family residence. I couldn’t just “take out a loan” for $15,000, because it would put me over the debt-to-income ratio calculated to allow me a shot to refinance the home in just my name.

My last-ditch effort was to offer her a [i]transfer[/i] of my entire (main) retirement plan, which I recall to be somewhere in the neighborhood of $47,000. No taxes on me. No taxes on her. She wouldn’t take that, even though it was fully $22,000 more than she was legitimately entitled when you factored-in the pre-marital equity I had in the home (according to the state’s law). She wanted CASH and if I cashed that out, it wouldn’t come anywhere close to her last demand. I’d pay over 20% of that figure in taxes alone, nevermind the early-withdrawel penalties.

She was hell-bent on trying to buy real estate and a full value transfer of the retirement wouldn’t give her the cash she needed. She was always impulsive and impatient and this issue would be no different.

Another one of the big mistakes – not moving immediately to equitable distribution. I held out hope that something would change and went quickly through what little savings I had and into debt until I finally would cave-in later in the year and put the house up for sale.

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What is Injunctive Relief?

…because obviously, her attorney had already prepared a petition, had a hearing scheduled, and was prepared to make an appearance in court on the issue the Monday after this discussion, which took place on April 8, 2004.

On the heels of her hitting my collectible items as “rewards” for the children’s acheivements – I removed them from the house. Everything. The value of these items wasn’t anything outrageous, seriously. They mostly have some intrinisic, non-financial value to me, but were also items that I would be inclined to sell on eBay for a profit from time-to-time. I like to collect old toys, games, vehicles, but not outrageously so. These were announced targets for her and so I removed them from “liquidation.”

As she believed these items to be worth far more than that were actually worth, she enjoined her attorney to file a motion. She wanted an injunction against me to preclude me from liquidating any assets prior to equitable distribution being completed. Ironically, she was the one doing the “liquidating,” but reality never stops the PEW from being litigious.

The “fun” part of this discussion (not documented) was that due to all of the harranging over the alleged value of these items – for her own financial gain – I told her to apply a value to any items that she wanted included for consideration and she could keep those items and the dollar value she applied would come off of my side of the equation! That approach worked to stop future engagements of this sort.

PEW: listen….i gotta tell you something
LM: Hang on. Or tell me and I’ll catch up
PEW: i was on a waiting list for an apartment in [locale], $700/month……..and they called me back, I looked at it and it was very nice…… I put a deposit on it, and it will be ready May 1st. so I figured I’ll go full time ASAP. i’d rather be going into a house, but obviously that’s not happening any time soon and I have to get settled somewhere so I can register the boys for school. so, since it’s an apartment that’s going to change my list of things in the house that I would like to take
LM: k
PEW: for instance…..I can’t take the grill or a refrigerator or washer or dryer. i’ll find out when you can drop me from your insurance. health insurance. i guess we have to work out the car thing too, so we can work out that insurance issue? do you have any thoughts?

Yes, I do. Would you like the kitchen sink, all of the furniture, appliances, lighting, and everything else that is or isn’t nailed down?

LM: Okay. I was doin’ some stuff while you were typing. My thoughts are this… Just so you know… I’ll start with Monday’s hearing. It’s a monumental waste of both our time and probably a good bit of your money. The reason is… I’ve read the petition. And you are well-aware of everything cited in that petition. I explained the money. I explained the Hess trucks and matchboxes. You know that the [other collectibles] never left the house. I have EVERYTHING to back up all of this information that you already know… only, you are going to pay your attorney for me to explain the same thing to the judge. If you want to follow-thru on that… fine. But rest assured that the guns issue will come up. As will the fact that I explained these issues to you before the petition was filed.
LM: That’s #1. #2. Actually… back to #1. I don’t know how much this is costing you… my guess is about $500. Assuming that’s accurate… You’re spending more money than the things that you’re asking me to account for… an accounting that I’ve already done for you. Doesn’t make sense… but again… the attorney has to use up the retainer somehow.
LM: Now… onto #2 Settlement. I reiterate that it gets done as fast as you want it done. Pick a vehicle. Pick a number. Pick the stuff in the house. Have your attorney file THAT, as it is the single most important thing on the table. And we can get it settled. We can get it settled fast. Those are my thoughts. If you want to go thru with Monday… feel free. But I think you should save your attorney’s fees for something more meaningful.
PEW: let me catch up. the phone range. Monday is a petition for relief. it’s so that your support starts now instead of when things are finalized. i’ll call and verify that
LM: Call.
PEW: ok
LM: It’s a petition to account for the things I’ve taken. Account for them and/or return them. And account for the alleged “theft” of funds from the joint accounts. It has nothing to do with support payments.
PEW: ok, i’ll call
LM: And if you doubt me… I’ll be glad to show you some things at lunch.

What a moron. Her and her attorney. I guess I can’t entirely fault the attorney – the meter is running, if her client insists on filing an injunction for essentially meaningless items, why the hell not?

I should have just gone to the hearing. It wasn’t that I was trying to “help” her as much as I was just trying to avoid wasting my time.

PEW: I told you what the # was $35k, +50% of the earnings in your 401k. and a car. and some of the stuff in the house. you just need to tell me if that’s acceptable. i’ll cancel monday if we can work it out. i don’t need her to write up $35k, 50% of the earnings in the 401k and a car. you should know if it’s acceptable or not, right off the top of your head
LM: Let me ask you… What makes you think you’re entitled to half of my 401K?
PEW: well let me correct that…… 1/2 then less 1/2 of mine
LM: ok. Which car?
PEW: doesn’t matter. either
LM: ok
PEW: i don’t really have a preference
LM: So 1 car
PEW: ok
LM: The equitable difference between the retirements.
PEW: right

You’ll notice her number has now moved from the earlier demand of $30,000 up to $35,000. This is something she will do every single time. Once we start talking about one benchmark, it is raised to another… be it financial, real estate, custody… she was always moving the target and so we would never settle until I just had to “give up.”

LM: I agree to that. Which brings us to the tough part. The number on the house. You believe that number is $35K?
PEW: around there. but i’ll be reasonalbe
LM: Okay… And you are aware that my understanding is that I believe differently, right?
PEW: yes
LM: So… Assuming we can obtain information from Domestic Relations regarding that information that your lawyer failed to explain to you properly… regarding what I allege is not part of marital property… (Domestic Relations ultimately makes that determination…) We can come to a more accurate number.
PEW: which is?
LM: I have no idea. I’ll have to ask my lawyer to ask Domestic Relations…
PEW: what is Domestic Relations?
LM: Or however that works. Family Court. They have formulae for everything, apparently.
PEW: so, you are telling me that you don’t have a round about figure in your head?
LM: No… because… the way I figured it is probably completely wrong. And there is no sense pissing you off with a number that may not even be remotely correct.
PEW: ok
LM: Okay. That was fairly productive. Call your lawyer.
PEW: not really, because we didn’t resolve anything
LM: Well… We’re resolved down to a number on the house.
PEW: which is pretty much where we were before the conversation
LM: Yes, but just for the hell of it, let’s pretend this was a positive step. Actually… As for Monday… Wait until after lunch to call your lawyer.
PEW: why?
LM: Cuz I’ll show you the petition. I wasn’t sure you had a copy or not.
PEW: well i’d still like to go Monday anyway
LM: As you wish.
PEW: she gave me the impression that it was for injunctive relief
LM: I just find it odd that you won’t spend the money to have your attorney draw up a sheet of settlement requirements…

It really wasn’t odd. She wasn’t willing to put out the money for important stuff like settling! But Hess Trucks and matchboxes – that was important enough to pay the attorney to draw up petitions for injunctive relief.

The problem was, anytime I had my attorney draw something up that was in keeping with something we had discussed, she would nix it… and I was out the costs of having something we had apparently agreed to – drawn up formally. So now, I was putting the onus on her to draw up an agreement and go from there. She wasn’t entirely stupid – she knew if she drew it up and I agreed to it – she wouldn’t have wiggle room to keep raising the ante.

PEW: and i will call her to verify
LM: …but you’ll spend money to prevent me from stealing stuff out of the house that hasn’t been stolen. That’s lawyer speak for… Filing an injunction. The injunction is being filed to prevent me from taking things out of the house.
PEW: you’ve already told me that $35k isn’t ok with you
LM: And to account for anything that I have already taken out of the house. Your attorney baffles you with bullshit. You see “injunctive relief” and think payment… support… money. It’s not.
PEW: well i said i’d call her
LM: She’s filed an injunction to prevent me from “dodging equitable distribution” based on things you told her. And things I’ve already explained to you. Okay.
PEW: well where are the Hess trucks and the video games
LM: If you want to spend your money so that I can tell a judge the same things I told you… that’s your prerogative. I told you… my brother’s
PEW: so, that’s what you’re telling the judge. they are at your brothers
LM: I also said… I’d bring them back if you brought back the guns… AND if you promised not to start giving them away.
PEW: ok
LM: I’ll bring them to court. I told you before, the only reason I took them…was your threats.
PEW: well then there is the $2200 payment to Citibank
LM: And?
PEW: you’ve refused to help me pay my cc
LM: Tell that to the judge and I will show him $1500 worth of payments to your credit card from August – December.
PEW: which was roughly $600 more…..stating that I had a spending problem
LM: I never said I wouldn’t help you pay your CC. Quite the contrary.
PEW: you said, it’s my debt
LM: I said it was your debt when you refused to budget with me.
PEW: oh
LM: And you refused to stop charging up your CC. All water under the bridge now, PEW. And by the way… You did notice the dates of those payments, right? Fully A MONTH before I had any idea you were going to file for divorce? That’s what makes this all so confounding.
PEW: ok, well let me call and find out about Monday
LM: ok

Money, support, alimony, the collectibles, her credit card payments… but *I* am the guy who was always worried about the money.

The bottom line for me was this – I wanted to keep the house for the convenience of it. Especially now that her apartment would be within 15-minutes of the house. The kids could continue to go to the schools that they loved, have their friends, the park within walking distance, great neighbors – it was effectively the only home that they had really known and it was a great house in a great community.

It still causes me near-physical pain to think that we couldn’t just settle the house and move on for the sake of the kids. I was spending my money to try to keep the kids lives as minimally upset as possible. She was spending money because she thought her investment, when deducted from her anticipated take, would be more than she would have gotten just settling. That’s on her and her listening to that idiot attorney she had who promised her that this was “easily a 60/40 case and quite likely a 70/30 case.” I can’t imagine on what she based this assumption other than her client’s gullibility, because the duration of our marriage and the mundane level of assets didn’t relegate this case to anything more than a nearly flawless case of 50/50 (at worst for me).

Even today, despite netting thousands less than zero, she believes it was all worth it. What a shame.

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Parental Advisory – This Post Contains Strong Language

Well, it’s not like there haven’t been others, it just seemed like a catchy title!

PEW wasn’t always obvious about her fear of my saving all of these discussions, letters, emails, IMs, etc. – but I knew she was. It was difficult enough keeping her stories straight, but the prospect of having to explain her behavior that was documented in her own words had to be pretty intimidating. Her fail-safe has always been that she simply didn’t write any of it. I fabricated it.

I had two AIM IDs… one for work to communicate with colleagues at facilities in various parts of the U.S. as well as Europe and Asia… and one I just used at home to show those in my list that I wasn’t at work.

In this short exchange from April 4, 2004, PEW logs-in as me using my “at home” AIM ID, which I must have left the password saved on the sign-in page. Despite the content, when I happened upon this, it made me laugh in its absurdity.

PEW, PRETENDING TO BE LM: Hi I’m LM!
LM, ACTUALLY: Hi.
PEW, PRETENDING TO BE LM: I can say whatever I want to myself
LM, ACTUALLY: Super. Is there a purpose to this?
PEW, PRETENDING TO BE LM: yeah, the purpose is to prove that whatever crap you made up “as me”……on aim……is “made up” that’s the purpose. you could sign on as me from work if you wanted and have a little chat with yourself
LM, ACTUALLY: And how is that possible unless I have two AIMS open on the same PC… which is not possible?
PEW, PRETENDING TO BE LM: your just the kind of sicko who would do that. how many pc’s do they have at work?
LM, ACTUALLY: Lots.
PEW, PRETENDING TO BE LM: right. your stacks….of conversations…..they are a farce….. you know it….i know it and I can prove it
LM, ACTUALLY: So you’re saying that your claim would be that you, PEW, did not in fact type all of that stuff to me, but that I ran around work, typing messages back and forth to myself during work time?
PEW, PRETENDING TO BE LM: who said this is PEW? this is LM. LM, the big asshole
LM, ACTUALLY: Did it ever occur to you that the servers at AOL would be able to tell differently?
PEW, PRETENDING TO BE LM: i am LM the asshole. REALLY?
LM, ACTUALLY: IP address logs. Then you would have to explain to the court how I was at work and at home at the same time.
PEW, PRETENDING TO BE LM: maybe it was one of your brothers
LM, ACTUALLY: You know… “setting up” these viperous discussions with myself.
PEW, PRETENDING TO BE LM: or homo boy MCB. he’d do anything for you
LM, ACTUALLY: I think I’m gonna call your father. Your behavior is really beginning to disturb me.
PEW, PRETENDING TO BE LM: thank God I kept those emails where MCB was saying he thought you were gay. you callin VAM? that’s my Dad. I’m LM. Goodbye asshole

How can you not laugh at the fact that she types as herself to answer some of my questions in an effort to demonstrate how I could have pulled off what she accuses me of?

The sad part of her delusion is that she really believes that much of what I had (and never shared with her) was orchestrated by me. Seriously. She even used that excuse in court in an attempt to avoid having much of them entered into evidence.

Honestly, one or two or a few conversations, it might be plausible. Did she really think that I sat back one day… some 4 or 5 years earlier… anticipated that she would divorce me… and then went on this half-decade campaign to fabricate more than 500 emails and instant-message conversations on the off chance that she would actually follow-through on her oft-repeated threat?

Did you really think that the answer to that question would be YES?!?!

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I Ain’t Donald Trump

We continued on this endless dance of figuring out what type of settlement was going to happen. It would never happen. I explain my position regarding how and why settlements with a borderline personality disordered person will never happen in a previous post: “The Greatest Custody Order/Agreement Clause.” Of course, I wouldn’t learn that pearl of wisdom until a year or more later.

It’s March 25th, 2004, and this go’round is insightful as to her frame of mind on a number of things… a potential settlement… what she’s entitled to… fearing for her safety while voluntarily continuing to live in the same house with me while house-shopping…

One thing was abundantly clear, though – I ain’t Donald Trump!

PEW: i don’t understand why you can’t tell me what your proposal is?
LM: It’s not my job. Sorry. There hasn’t been a conversation relevant to our situation that has gone well. So, it’s best if we speak to our attorneys about the situation as appropriate, and leave it at that.
PEW: well if you knew it was good, i would think you’d have told me, so I have a feeling i’m probably not going to like it. it’s ok though. i’ll wait if that’s the way you want to do it
LM: It’s the right way to do it. And know this… Whatever the settlement ends up being… it will be what we are allegedly “entitled to.” Whether you like it, I like it, or not. That’s the reality.
PEW: oh? why would I have a problem with that
LM: Nobody ever ends up “liking” it. So, what’s the point? We sell… that’ll suck. I keep it… you won’t like it. You keep it… I won’t like it. Nothing about this will be “liked.”
PEW: i don’t really care if you keep it……as long as I get the equity i’m entitled to
LM: Super.
PEW: which is at least $30k you keep saying i’m the one that is holding things up….but in reality if you just told me what you were offering I could tell you right now whether i’m going to accept it or not

Here’s what PEW didn’t realize at the time and, due to my caving-in, ultimately wouldn’t matter. She wasn’t aware of something called a “depreciating interest” in a pre-marital asset. In this case, it was the real-estate. More specifically, it was the down payment on the house that she was now leveraging as settlement in the divorce.

The prior home I owned fully 5-1/2 years before we were married. According to the rules in my jurisdiction, once you’re married, you are engaged in what is called a “depreciating interest” in the asset (real estate) at a rate of 5% per year. This means that from the date of marriage, I lose 5% of the value of the asset to joint-marital asset status per year. The Cliff’s Notes version of this explanation is as follows:

Downpayment on the house: $40,000 (at 100%).

Marriage Length at the time of filing: 8-years.

Depreciated interest for me: 8-years x 5% per year = 40%.

Therefore, according to the law, 60% of that downpayment on the house in question is considered a “premarital asset” and comes right off the top when calculating the settlement in a joint-property state. That figure = $24,000, which I would try to use as a factor in calculating what she was truly “entitled to.”

LM: So? If you weren’t living in the same house with me, I’d probably tell you. But at this point, all that would do is give you an excuse to crank on me, and I don’t need that. Talk to your attorney. There is nothing I can do for you.
PEW: fine….i’ll wait to hear
LM: Plus, with all of the bullshit in that ridiculous accusation you filed with your attorney to justify taking the guns, and all of the other bullshit you pull… why you think I would “help” you escapes me.
PEW: “pull”? you’re not helping me
LM: But… like I said… If you want to play hardball… We can play hardball.
PEW: i don’t
LM: You use your attorney. I’ll use mine.
PEW: what makes you think i want to play hardball
LM: Well, taking the guns and telling your attorney that I’ve been violent is playing hardball. I haven’t done a thing to you.
PEW: i said you were violent in the past

Yes, I owned firearms. Yes, I didn’t take them off-site when she filed. They were in a secured, locking case, and allegedly on the advice of her attorney – stole them from me. Yes, I was afraid due to her instability.

LM: But hey… if it means your attorney will tell you to take the guns for your own protection… great. Take the guns, but stay in the house. That makes perfect sense.
PEW: well, trust me, I want to be out…..you don’t have to believe that, but it’s true
LM: Sure.
PEW: and you’re keeping me here
LM: You “fear for your safety” You’ll take guns… but stay in the house. What a joke. lol. Really, it makes me laugh.
PEW: i’m glad you can laugh under such circumstances
LM: Yep. I laugh with sadness. Just another piece of logic defying moves on your part. As I said before… Your actions defy your words.

A couple of things defy logic here and yet, she was convinced that her story would pass the “stink test” in court.

– She took the guns and now was parroting her lawyer’s posturing by claiming “fear for her safety.” This is why she justified stealing the firearms. Yet, she filed for divorce official the first week of February. Here we are in late March (she would stay until May 5th) – and she is living in the marital household, albeit in separate rooms. How did she propose that she would convince anyone that she feared for her safety when this was the case? One would think that her attorney would also have advised her to move anywhere! Move anywhere but the marital residence to keep up such appearances.

– Her contention that I was “keeping her” in the marital residence was so bizarre one couldn’t help but laugh! She was free to go anytime she wanted to at least a dozen places while looking for sufficient housing. She didn’t, despite allegedly “fearing for her safety.”

PEW: well if you had just sold the house we’d both be outa here. the kids would be happily adjusting to their new circumstances just like children do every day
LM: Nope. I look at the bigger, long-term picture. And as usual, you look for instant gratification. And selling the house isn’t in the best interest of the children, me, and perhaps even you.
PEW: why is that LM?
LM: But it’s not up to me to explain it all to you, you wouldn’t believe the facts anyway.
PEW: i wish you knew what you were talking about
LM: Oh, but I do.
PEW: it’s sad but I have a feeling that we’re going to court. and i’ll have to spend even more money that I don’t have
LM: We don’t “have to” go to court. You’ll disagree with whatever offer is given. We’ll go to court. And you’ll find out that it’s fair.
PEW: that’s what i said
LM: But you’ll NEED to go that full route only to find out the facts.
PEW: or you’ll find out that it’s not
LM: That’s fine. Half house. Half retirement. An auto. Half contents. It ain’t rocket science. I ain’t Donald Trump. We only got what we got.
PEW: right but what we disagree on is what “half house” is and i’ll go to court to get “half”
LM: We disagreed prior to the appraisal. Now, we have to come up with the appropriate figure based upon the value of the home.
PEW: and who was right? i was right
LM: Which is what we’ll do. Yep… it appraised for more than I expected it to. That’s not news.
PEW: which is $30k conservatively. if you can’t afford that then call a realtor
LM: lol
PEW: because I ain’t taking less

This would be one of many “20/20 hindsight” situations. Had I known with what I was dealing – I never, ever would have put myself through this horrible, repeating headache of negotiating with her. I would have just said, “let’s go to court and let them decide” and rolled the dice. It would prove to be a very costly error over the course of the next 9-months or so as I was trying to handle all household expenses while paying lots of attorney’s fees, and child support + temporary spousal support.

If I could go back and do that all over again… I absolutely would. There is no negotiating with someone suffering from BPD. You either “give up” – or let someone else decide for you.

LM: Okay. So call your attorney… make the offer. And we’ll go from there. Tell her you want it done fast. Here’s what I want. Write it up. Hell, you’re paying her enough.
PEW: no, i’m waiting to hear what you and your lawyer came up with
LM: okay
PEW: i want to know what I ever did to you to deserve this

Yes, I suppose she really needed to ask. Of course, deserve what? I never quite understood that beyond the humongous sense of entitlement. Something akin to, “give me whatever I want because I’ve determined it’s what I deserve” – regardless of reality or law.

LM: Deserve what? You want the divorce… and you’re gonna get it.
PEW: did I not try? did I not go to counseling?
LM: Water under the bridge. It’s over.
PEW: is that right?
LM: What I think doesn’t matter to you anyway, so why ask?
PEW: well i hope you can live with yourself down the road
LM: Me, too.
PEW: knowing that you had to stick it to me
LM: I am sticking it to no one.
PEW: because supposedly “I” wanted the divorce. you want it too LM
LM: You sure did.
PEW: if you didn’t you would have done something other than buy a motorcyle to stop it from happening

CLASSIC B-P-D. Blame, deflect, project, mirror, play victim… it’s always someone else’s fault. There is always another hurdle to get over in order to save things. Always some more payment (in gifts, finances, or emotion) in order to keep the thug at bay.

LM: lol. What a joke. For 8 years you’ve been threatening divorce and walking out. Don’t tell me what I wanted too. This isn’t about a motorcycle. That has nothing to do with it. Those are the things you tell yourself to demonize me.
PEW: well you obviously never took me serious or you would have changed something in 8 years. i’m not demonizing you
LM: Our whole lives has been about what I HAVE to do for you “or else we’re getting a divorce.” Moving. When we moved. How we moved
PEW: i have nothing but nice this to say about you
LM: To where we moved
PEW: that’s a lie
LM: Every move we have ever made has been under threat of divorce. EVERY MOVE
PEW: i never wanted to live in that house anyway
LM: And like a jackass… I just did it.
PEW: we didn’t just up and move. it took 6 years
LM: Yeah… I “forced you” according to you. I know that story.
PEW: you didn’t just do anything
LM: Spare me. If we look there… I’m getting a divorce. If we don’t move now… I’m getting a divorce
PEW: like I always tell you…..you, me, and God know what has really happened in this marriage
LM: If we move further away from my family “I’m getting a divorce.” Every fucking thing PEW. No, I don’t think you do. It goes ALL THE WAY back to “If I don’t get an engagement ring when I want it, I’m leaving!”
PEW: and I don’t think you do. and I should have
LM: Everything, PEW. Everything under threat of relationship.
PEW: if I was a little bit stronger, I would have left
LM: Yeah yeah
PEW: we never should have been together….in the first place, i’m sorry. but we’re both to blame
LM: Right. 50% each. lol
PEW: you should have made me stick to it
LM: Same story, different day. Spare me. You’re getting what you want. And you’ll get it as fast as you allow.
PEW: if you had not persued “fixing” things we would have broken up a long long time ago
LM: Hindsight is 20/20. Now we’re “stuck” with each other forever. lol
PEW: 50% is damn right. not really. i’m not stuck with you….the kids are. i will be free to persue love again once this is all over
LM: Yes. You sure will.
PEW: and i can find someone who really loves me
LM: And I wish you the very best. I really do.
PEW: not someone who uses me for his own ends. and I wish you the best

Uhhhhh… yeah. That’s what *I* did.

LM: lol
PEW: i hope you meet someone. i’ve been wishing that for years. the only thing i have left to do is to apologize to your first wife.
LM: Well, I’m just glad that wish didn’t come true… but it’s only because I’m faithful and devoted. That’s funny, too.
PEW: HAH\
LM: See, you can still make me laugh.
PEW: faitful, devoted……to yourself
LM: Yeah. You have nothing. I know.
PEW: damn right. i have nothing. except the kids
LM: Is this where you go into the “poor PEW” routine?
PEW: nope because i am happy now
LM: Good.
PEW: very happy
LM: Super! Then tell your lawyer to tell me what you want so you can go.
PEW: and you’ll never convince me or anyone who knows me that I’m “Crazy” as you put it to my sister in law
LM: Yeah. That’s how I put it. Your sister-in-law is hysterically funny.
PEW: so concerned about me?
LM: Ask her what she said to me. About how you’re “acting like PP” and… “Do you think that the amount of time she spends with PP has anything to do with how she is acting?” And how… “Except for your brother M……, that whole family is nuts.” And I’m standing there telling her that she’s not being fair. What a joke.
PEW: trust me…..I know, she’s a bitch

Her youngest brother’s wife was an ally, until I tell her what she really said, and then she’s “a bitch.” BPD black-and-white thinking.

LM: Well… I didn’t tell her that I thought you were “CRAZY” But if that’s her interpretation of what I did say… I can’t do anything about that. Remember, your sister told you that I told her that you cornered me and attacked me. And that never happened. So, you keep listening to your flawed sources.
PEW: i take it all with a grain of salt
LM: Obviously not.. Their information was clearly part of the assertions your lawyer made in her justification for instructing you to take the guns. I’m “running all over town telling everyone what medications you take.” Please. And your paranoia about me trying to “rally your family against you”
PEW: why would you talk to J..?
LM: J.. and PP asked me some questions… and I answered them honestly in my opinion.
PEW: why would you talk to PP?
LM: I didn’t “talk” to her. On one occasion each…
PEW: ok LM
LM: They asked me some questions. And I answered them. That’s it.
PEW: it’s not important anymore
LM: But I’m telling you this… You better wise up with the accusations you make to your attorney.
PEW: we’re going to be co-parenting for the next 14 years and that is all that matters
LM: Because I’ll pull out our conversation about the assault your sister laid on S1… and all kinds of stuff to make this as difficult as you appear to be trying to make this.
PEW: what assault?
LM: So, just tell your attorney to tell me what you want, I will see if I can make that happen. When she blasted him across the face leaving a mark.
PEW: leaving a mark?
LM: Just keep in mind…
PEW: i understood that S1 hurt S2 pretty badly
LM: That this will get as difficult as you decide to make it.
PEW: you forget that we had ALOT of trouble when S2 was a baby
LM: So when you go to your attorney and claim “history of violence” I could easily do the same. And even talk about you pushing me on more than one occasion to “see if you’ll hit me”
PEW: i have no history of violance
LM: You… who “fears” allegedly for her safety. Kicking.
PEW: that was a fabrication of yours
LM: Scratching. Pushing. Yes you do.
PEW: lies you lie
LM: Sure… So are yours. Where does that leave us?
PEW: and I am a calm laid back person, you lie
LM: At least I have documented evidence.
PEW: documentation that you fabricated. they’re lies
LM: You keep telling yourself that.

If they were lies, then she was the one lying about it. Most of the documented evidence I have was in her writing! Further, despite her claims to the contrary, she never called the police on me, she never had police reports for domestic violence – because what little DV there was, she initiated and she left marks! My only regret was not calling the police every time (something I subsequently did every time there was a potential or developing incident and would retreat from the house).

PEW: i’m not scared LM. not at all
LM: You don’t have to be “scared”
PEW: i’m a good person
LM: I’m just telling you that if you think that this is a game… you’re mistaken.
PEW: and I have the history to prove it
LM: Sure you do. We’ll see whose holds more water in court. If you want it that way
PEW: well i’m waiting to hear from your lawyer. that’s where we are right now
LM: I just wish you would stop with the petty BS.
PEW: it’s stopped
LM: I don’t have the guns back. It’s not stopped.
PEW: nothing petty about guns. guns are very serious
LM: Yes, they are.
PEW: i don’t want my kids having access to them
LM: They won’t.
PEW: well they did
LM: No they didn’t. And I’ve already made arrangements to get a safe.
PEW: i gotta go, i’m waiting to hear LM what your propsal is
LM: Okay. Have a lovely day.
PEW: thanks

Many times she promised to return the firearms. If a locking case wasn’t good enough, I’d buy a safe. In reality, they were going to go to either my father’s house or my brother’s house because I didn’t want them to be accessible to anyone while this was going on… most especially – PEW.

I would float many proposals, starting at $25,000 + half the equity in the retirements, and her choice on the vehicles. That’s all there was to settle (aside from custody). The home. The retirements. The cars. That’s all there was.

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Everything I Had – Because of Her!

No delusion she had was ever as severe as her honest belief that everything we did or had – was because of her. She’ll even claim to have given up a “lucrative career” (as an assistant to a production manager) to further my career and education. It’s baffling.

March 11th, 2004 – we engage in some more inane, dead-end discussion about paper filing, settling things, etc. I was pissed-off and we had an argument the previous evening, despite having a million toys & other rewards to give the children when they earned something – she chose to go into a box of my collectible toys and give S1 a tractor trailer out of a complete collection of racing items. They were all moderately old and in their original packaging. Now, the collection was no longer complete.

There is no question it was deliberate given that we were on the path of divorce. She was sending a message to me that nothing that was “mine” would be safe any longer. So, we argued for a short period about it, and then I subsequently moved anything of mine that I had which had any meaning or value to me off-site, to a brother’s basement. Wisely, I also wrote up a short, but detailed accounting of everything removed for my own future protection.

PEW: are you still going to come home early for me
LM: Yes. Just because I was mad about that… Doesn’t mean I’m going to be inconsiderate.
PEW: ok
LM: I’ll be home by 3:35
PEW: ok. your words were “bear down”, so I wasn’t sure what that was supposed to mean
LM: Nothing. Sorry. I was mad. I just want to get this done.
PEW: me too
LM: Yeah, so I won’t go out of my way to piss you off if you give me the same courtesy. Actually, that doesn’t even matter. You do what you must.
PEW: i wasn’t trying to piss you off. i took a toy truck

Yes, I know, you just forgot the discussion centered around, “you can give them whatever you want out of the rewards box, just please don’t mess with any of my collectibles.” Got it.

LM: I still won’t go out of my way to piss you off.
PEW: you got a million of them
LM: Yeah, ok. No problem. I’ll make sure that there are 1,000 more things available for rewards.
PEW: ok. when are you seeing your lawyer
LM: Dunno. In court today. I’ll call him in the morning. I’m guessing one of your non-working days next week.
PEW: ok. did you read the papers yet?
LM: Yep. Usual and customary stuff.
PEW: pretty much….except for the alimony pendente lite
LM: Yeah? What’s that? I work and pay you? lol
PEW: i don’t know. it’s not important.

Too funny. I knew exactly what it was. I wanted to see if she would explain herself to me. “It’s not important” wasn’t what I was expecting.

PEW: S1’s behavior has been awful lately. the crying and stuff
LM: You mean how you’re destitute, can’t afford anything, and I’m responsible for you, your lawyer’s fees, your health insurance? You know what it is.
PEW: yeah.
LM: So what?
PEW: it’s just funny to me……..originally I just wanted to be separated…..you wouldn’t even do that for me. everyday has been a struggle
LM: I love when you say that. “I wouldn’t even do that for you.”
PEW: and, everything you have you have because of me

Correction… everything that is crap-debt I have because of her. Everything else, excepting the children which are a product of both of us, was because of me. Maybe a little more correction – the mortgage that we had, which I paid for, we had because it included her income at the time. That’s not an exaggeration.

Now, that doesn’t really matter because it was never something I hung over her head like she did. I was all about doing for and providing for the family – and how we managed to achieve that wasn’t something over which I kept tabs.

LM: Stop blaming me for things you have full control over.
PEW: and you don’t want to part with anythign
LM: Is that right?
PEW: not even a little tractor trailer. yeah, that’s right and you know it
LM: lol. Okay. You’re right.
PEW: i know i am
LM: ok
PEW: you got to keep your last house because of me…. your almost finished your degree….why….because of me. we had the kids…..why…..because of me
LM: I see.
PEW: you don’t see…. you never will either
LM: All right. Is there a point?
PEW: there never has been a point…….i’m just dissappointed that I let myself waste so many years with someone who just doesn’t care
LM: I’m sorry about that.
PEW: i’m upset. please. nobody is more sorry than me for not being stronger

Oh? There is one person who was more upset about that. Me. More evidence of projection/mirroring.

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