Childhood Obesity Crisis Looms – Part II

Continuing from Part I…

At the encouragement of PEW, the psycho-SIL (PP) chooses to offer her insights into the issue:

I think everyone is in agreement that our main concern is for S1’s health & well-being. I’m sure there are a combination of reasons for why the problem developed- perhaps living with two parents that fought constantly & bitterly for the first five years of his life drove him to find solace in food when he could. I can only assure LM that everyone on our side of the family has recognized that there is a problem and have not only encouraged him to make healthier food choices but [my brothers] and Dad continually try to get both boys interested in athletics-so far to no avail.

Playing the blame game is not going to help S1. The only reason that WE have been reluctant to push for more drastic measures up until this point is because of the many changes and upheavals that both boys have been through in the last year. Now that the appointment is scheduled, it is just as well. However, I don’t think making a “conference call” to a doctor is a substitute for the day to day love and attention that PEW takes in caring for the boys, always making decisions based on their best interests.

A case could be made that there are substantial weight issues on LM’s side of the family also-such as LM’s mother, aunt, and cousin – and that LM never tries to encourage the boys to try sports as a form of exercise – in fact, past experience has led us to believe that he is against the boys being involved in any kind of organized sports at all.

Finally, as much as I can appreciate LM’s concerns in this matter, I can assure him that any efforts to further point fingers will only bring back an equally vitriolic attack from not only family members but from impartial, outside parties that have been privy to this issue in the past-former school teachers, counselors and physicians.

Let’s just move forward and take care of S1 in the manner he deserves, reflecting the love and care we all feel for him.

PP

I didn’t reply for obvious reasons. Aside from dripping with sarcasm, threats, and furthering the delusions of PEW, it’s devoid of anything meaningful. Quite the contrary actually. The other thing this family typically did was put the onus on the children to handle things that were the parents’ responsibility. PEW regularly said the same thing on this subject, among others:

“I can only assure LM that everyone on our side of the family has recognized that there is a problem and have not only encouraged him to make healthier food choices…”

S1 doesn’t do the food shopping. S1 doesn’t do the cooking (assuming you could call what PEW usually did “cooking”). At this point, S1 is only 6-years old and here they are saying that they are encouraging him to make healthier food choices. No, I am not kidding. Assuming he was even capable at 6-years old to make healthier food choices – the fact that her home was typically devoid of any healthier food choices would have made that difficult.

Considering everyone, PEW included, in that family is overweight (except for one brother) – it’s no wonder why no one can see a problem. Worse than that, citing 3 people in my family who make poor dietary decisions does nothing but support the serious concern I have for S1’s health.

They are like all clones of one another. It’s scary. I should count my blessings that I have shared custody, because it’s more custody than I’ve had since the initial split. Still, it’s simply not enough. The constant up-and-down cycle of S1’s weight introduces the potential for other health problems, too.

I can only hope that through our current exercise “program” (loosely termed) and a summer of part-timing with the swim team again, we can get it down and at least maintain it as previous short-term arrangements have shown possible.

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Childhood Obesity Crisis Looms – Part I

The children’s diets have always been a bone of contention between us. A typical day feeding the kids would be: breakfast, snack, lunch, snack, snack, snack, dinner, snack, snack, snack. Okay, that’s exaggerated slightly for effect. They would get a snack at least between every meal and it wasn’t a healthy snack. Cookies, ice cream, candy stuff, you name it. If it was crap, it was on the list.

S1 has always been big for his age, but if I desired to show you pictures, you would see that up until the point we split, he was proportionate for his height. Almost from the birth canal and continuing today, he was easily a head taller than anyone else in his age group.

When PEW and I split, his weight started to spiral out of control. I don’t have the medical records in front of me, but to give you an idea, it progressed something like this:

Early 2004, just before the split – approximately 60-pounds at 5-1/2 years old.

Early 2005, approximately 9-months after the split – he had ballooned up to 87-pounds. His dramatic weight increase, despite being discussed ad nauseum, was never addressed by the “primary caregiver.” It was at this time I took it upon myself to call the pediatrician and ask for help.

Beginning summer 2006, he was 110-pounds. We split the summer that year and when he went home, he was 108-pounds. By November, approximately 2-1/2 months later, he was 124-pounds.

Beginning summer 2007, he was 147-pounds. That summer, we had the boys full-time. At the end of the summer, due to our regular walks, exercising, and mostly due to the swim team efforts – he went home at 130-pounds – looked and, more importantly, FELT great.

By the time 50/50 rolled around in November of 2007 – it was all back.

It’s clear from the timeline that he either maintained or lost weight when he was with us for an appreciable amount of time. Then, when he went back to her, he put it on so fast it would make a normal parent’s head spin.

In any event, this was the first post-split exchange regarding my continued concern regarding S1’s weight and both boys’ eating habits. S2 has never had a weight issue because, unlike S1, S2 stops eating when he is full. Even if it’s something really good. When he’s had enough, he’s had enough.

(As you read this, keep in mind that by this time, I had relocated approximately 3-1/2 hours away… to be explained later.)

PEW,

I spoke to [Pediatrician] this morning regarding S1’s weight and health. During our conversation, he also expressed concern over S1’s weight and the need to manage it appropriately. He told me that S1’s last recorded weight was 87-pounds.

He reiterated what I already knew and that is that childhood obesity has become an alarming problem in general and that the potential complications are especially dangerous for children. I asked about standard diet/menu plans and exercise plans, etc. – and he said that [both local hospitals] have excellent programs. However, before he would be accepted into any comprehensive program evaluation, he would need to get a full fasting blood work-up done, which can be done at the office. This would be to check for diabetes issues, glandular problems, etc. S1 would have to not have any food/milk at some point after dinner, no breakfast, and be taken to the Doctor’s office in the AM.

I explained to him our logistics and your work schedule and asked about a Saturday visit. He said that a Saturday morning visit can be arranged at the office in [Othertown] and that we should arrange to see this done sooner rather than later. He told me to let you know that you can call him anytime today to discuss this matter with him as well and to make arrangements to get the ball rolling on this. Please let me know your thoughts and by all means, give [Pediatrician] a call.

~LM

There it is. My first contact after taking a meaningful step after realizing that PEW wasn’t going to do anything on her own. Much like her own family, there was always some inane explanation for weight gain. The whole “big boned” and “it’s genetic” excuses, all the while never, ever taking a look at the horrifying eating habits that her entire family has and how they are being perpetuated on our children.

I was seriously concerned about S1 developing diabetes.

LM,

I made an appt for Sat at 10am. I love when you do stuff like this…… Does it make you feel better about yourself? I want you to keep in mind that I have a brother who is 6’3″ 300 pounds. Did it ever occur to you that S1 is just going to be a big person? Let’s not make him have self esteem issues already. He needs exersize. That didn’t effect you enough though to leave his bike up here though, did it? Too bad you won’t be here when he gets stuck with the needle…….

~PEW

No acceptance of responsibility. No equal concern for S1’s health and well-being. The usual excuse-making and then guilt-tripping.

PEW,

And without fail – you turn a genuine, long-term concern of mine (one which you and your family have repeatedly failed to address) and turn it into some issue over which to fight about or insult about.

How big [your brother] is matters not to me. S1’s diet is unhealthful. It has always been unhealthful and despite years worth of begging and pleading with you, nothing has changed. Too many snacks. Too much candy. Too much sugar. Too much junk. Perhaps if you hear it from his doctor, you will do something about it, and more importantly, you will get your family on board with it as well. S1 is overweight, even for his large frame for his age. He is not simply a “big person.” For his height and age, he should be in the 55-65 pound “range.” He is pushing 90-pounds if he is not there already. 90-pounds, PEW.

I am going to try to see to it something gets done before something horrible happens to force the issue. As it stands, he may be in for a life-long struggle. At best, he has some bad habits that need to be undone. If you will not do it there, I will make sure to do it here. You just need to tell me if you are going to take some action finally. If not at [Pediatrician’s], I will find someone down here.

Now, maybe you can stop using this issue as ANOTHER tool for harassment and insults and simply concentrate on S1’s health. Try it. See if we can talk about S1’s weight and health and you not find some way to use it as a weapon.

Sincerely,
LM

Clearly aggravated, I still try to lay out the concerns and really challenger her to focus on the matter-at-hand, like an idiot, again.

LM,

I am doing something about it, I made the appointment. If I don’t then who will? I’m trying to undo all the damage you did in the first 5 years of his life.

I deal with it everyday. I worry about getting him the proper amount of exersize and making sure he has healthy choices for snacks. This is as usual, another way for you do criticize me because it’s easy for you to do that. It’s MY fault he’s overweight right? Couldn’t be your heavy-handedness over the years over the whole food issue, could it? Sitting him at a dinner table at 3 years old for several hours at a time while I was at work. Couldn’t be that causing this terrible eating disorder? It’s all my family’s fault. None of the other grandchildren have a weight problem. Not even S2….interesting that he wasn’t subjected to your bullshit as a young child.

I have just come to grips with the fact that the next 14 + years are going to be you, blaming me, for everything that is wrong or goes wrong with our kids. (just like your family always blamed [brother’s ex-wife] for anything that went wrong with [nephew]) It’s easy to criticize me right….we’re not on the same team, never were…right? You were like this when we were married, why would that change now? Rather than worrying about S1…how bout you get yourself some therapy? That would help the boys more than any blood work up.

~PEW

More of the same. Again, no focus on the children. Add to it, the projection and lies. I was not heavy-handed with the children regarding eating. Exactly ONE-TIME, I sat with S1 at the dinner table after he refused to eat his dinner. We just sat there and talked. The duration may have been 90-minutes and it was when she was home. When it became abundantly clear he was not going to eat, I excused him from the table and that was that. 1-time.

She almost never instilled exercise in herself, let alone anyone else. She rarely engaged in any physical activity involving the children aside from the occasional driving them to the park which was exactly 3-blocks away and perhaps a 15-minute walk. The one time S1 was signed up for a sporting event, she allowed him to quit because he threw a hissy fit one time (soccer), against my urging that he should stay and learn to support his team, even if he did refuse to play. The only thing she instilled in the children is junk-food and processed crap for the most part.

PEW,

Great! You made an appointment you wouldn’t have made if not for my conference call with [Pediatrician] asking for help. You certainly weren’t going to do it despite my repeatedly trying to get you to realize that S1’s weight is going to turn into a lifelong problem if things don’t change. This should have been done a long time ago, but you just continue to turn a blind eye and pretend it is because he is a “large boy.” I’ve been bringing it up for years and you’ve done nothing. It took my conference call to [Pediatrician] to get you to pick up the phone and ask him about it. However, I wasn’t going to make an appointment on your behalf without consulting you first.

As for the fabrications that fill the rest of this email, I will not even begin to set you straight on the poor eating habits and diet that you and your family have instilled in our children. This was not the purpose of my contacting [Pediatrician], but since YOU brought up the issue, I will set you straight… it is entirely your fault.

I will not get into the specifics of the truth and the reality because you really don’t care. You never have. Hopefully, now that I have called [Pediatrician] direct and without blaming you or anyone else, asked for assistance/direction, we can get things started towards doing what is right by both boys. Continue to spew your venom and re-write history all you wish, I will not address them. As usual, I will focus on the boys health and you can continue to focus on being argumentative, insulting, and a flat-out liar.

It’s a shame that I figured you couldn’t continue with focusing on the boys health as I suggested. You just had to come back with more of the same tired behavior.

~LM

Straight-up truth. I stand by my position that her and her family are the reason things are the way they are. I’m sure my distance didn’t help matters, but it doesn’t change the reality that the only person(s) who have been concerned about health and fitness regarding the children are DW and I. Even now, when with her the bulk of their time is spent watching television, playing computer games, or playing videogames. They still eat like crap when with her. Now, not every meal with me is the picture of health and perfection. However, the large majority of them are balanced, involve fruits and/or vegetables, and are decent “home-cooked” meals – not something out of a bag or a box.

OK LM,

as you can see, I’ve forwarded this to every member of my family since you brought them into this. Anybody want to respond to LM. I’m tired of it frankly. Thanks.

~PEW

So she did. There was one reply from a family member. I’ll give you 3 guesses as to who it was and the first 2 don’t count. To be continued…

FYI… Childhood Obesity is a crisis in this country. The Mayo Clinic (among many other places) has some outstanding information on this serious problem. Also, TIME magazine is coming out with a feature on childhood obesity in their forthcoming issue.

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Snuggle Struggle Follow-Up – I Already Did Address It

In 2005!

While digging through the archives, I happened upon an email I sent to The PEW on June 30th, 2005. It very specifically address the issue of sleeping with the children (then 6 and 4), which was clearly of concern to me then. Obviously, it did no good. The more things change…

Now, before you think me an ogre who doesn’t want the children to go to sleep happy or content or without fear, that’s not it at all. Admittedly, I’m not a big fan of “co-sleeping.” I’m not militant about it. I think my problem with it was rooted in the fact that she never was big on letting the children fall asleep on their own. Particularly with S1, it caused a great deal of disruption in our own sleep and ultimately our intimate relations, as infrequent as they were. She wasn’t one to simply stay until they fell asleep. She would often just sleep in their room all night long and often in one of the boys’ beds with them. I just didn’t like it.

On the heels of a discussion with the children, I sent this:

PEW,

While I am certain that your anger towards me won’t allow you to see this suggestion as meaningful, I am going to forge ahead anyway and hope that someday when you re-read this, you will see it as helpful.

During my chat with the boys last night, they spoke of how you continue to sleep with them (in S2’s bed) until they fall asleep and that you allow them to come into your room in the middle of the night and sleep with you. While I was unable to discern how often this occurs, I got the distinct feeling that it is often. I suggest that you stop doing both. Here’s why:

#1 – They don’t do it here. They fall asleep on their own. They don’t get up in the middle of the night and come in my room. I don’t sleep with them.

#2 – I believe that is a big reason why they are as clingy and whiny as you so often describe them.

#3 – Sleeping with them and “babying” them to sleep doesn’t help foster independence that they both so desperately need. I also think it’s why they seem to be “afraid” to do things on their own sometimes.

I haven’t had to dress either of them once since they’ve been here. At bedtime, other than helping S2 with his pull-up – no problems getting dressed. In the morning, they put their clothes in the hamper and dress themselves. They put on their own shoes and even their own socks. At meals, they assist in getting the table ready and they always clear their own dirty dishes from the table and bring them to the sink. We are working on the “whininess” by simply making them talk in a normal voice. I don’t allow them to “fake” not being able to do something (like putting their shoes on) – I simply patiently wait until they do it for themselves. They are not permitted to talk fresh to one another or the grown-ups.

The boys won’t change because you order them to. You will only be helping yourself if you work on these things consistently and at the same time I am. AND, if your family enforces the same expectations on them, I strongly believe you will find that they will behave much better and they won’t be as “fresh” talking to everyone as you tell me that they are.

Finally, I know that you are, in some way, “proud” that one or the other, on occasion, cry to you to express that they miss you. I also know that, through our discussions, you enjoy bringing up that they don’t “cry” when they express that they miss me. I don’t know why that is, but you would be doing the boys a favor by helping to reassure them that everything will be just fine and that it’s important that they spend meaningful time with both of us. That will help them, not doing little to discourage that behavior and continuing to treat them like babies, which will not help them build the confidence and independence to adjust to these changes in their lives. They cry their “show” to you because you feed it. Your reaction, the pleasure you take in hearing it, and validating that act is what perpetuates it. You do remember the times where S2 would act out when you dropped them off at [the marital residence] and when the door closed – he would be fine… remember how I used to walk out with him before you left to show you how it stops the moment you’re out of view? They do it because they know it makes YOU feel good… it’s not because they feel bad. They don’t “cry” for me because they know that they don’t have to do that to make me feel good. They know I miss them. I know they miss me. We discuss it and make it as happy as these circumstances allow. Take it, leave it, or just continue to be pissed off about it, but you would be doing us both a favor and more importantly – the children – if you would at least consider some of what I suggest.

The longer you treat them like helpless babies so that they maintain this babylike attachment to you… the longer they will act like babies and that won’t help you, me, and it certainly won’t help them.

~LM

—————

She never did reply to it. I think that it was either deliberately ignored or she just got so engrossed in the horrible series of events that wrecked that summer for us with the children that it just didn’t get high enough on her radar screen. In fact, it was probably sent/received, etc. around the same time as the phone call with DW. That was clearly more important to her.

In any event, while continuing to monitor the situation and taking some appropriate level of action with the boys to stay on top of it, this simply helped me realize that not contacting her about it (for now) was probably the right call.

Pretty funny that I would coincidentally find this one while searching for something else.

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The PEW & DW Speak on the Phone!

It will be the only time they ever do. ‘Twas June 30th, 2005.

The call was one of many early on which would degrade into one of the regular useless discussions we had. Obviously, this is way before we learned about low-contact methods. This was the first summer that DW and I were living together and the earliest part of our re-ignited custody battle. This argument centered around her changing her (alleged) plans at the 11th-hour that was going to upset a portion of our scheduled vacation. It was a vacation that had been planned more than 3-months earlier and for which we had agreement on when it would start and the exchange particulars.

Somewhere along the line she asked to speak with DW. I was initially against it and gave both of them several opportunities to say no. Neither did and, against my better judgement, I reluctantly handed over the phone to DW.

From here, the rest of the story will be DW’s to tell.

~LM

—————

I wasn’t exactly thrilled with PEW, as you can imagine, but frankly we needed to get it over with and the conversation began as “I just want to get things settled so we can start getting along.” Okay – great! Haha, pulled me right in, didn’t she?

So things start off with PEW saying she wants to settle the summer schedule so she never has to talk to LM again, I reply, “Well then sign the boys over for the summer like you know you should and then it’s all done.” She agrees and I tell her to have her attorney draw up the paperwork. The reason I said this is that she had a very long history of agreeing, then LM would pay to have the paperwork done, and of course she never would sign it. The prior day PEW had told us she had a new attorney (that would kick our ass of course *rolleyes*).

So, she surprises me when she says, “oh I don’t have an attorney.” I call her on the lie and she spins a story about not being able to afford to pay her, blah blah blah, and what does she do then? She ASKS ME to pay for her attorney. Yes, a woman whose ex-husband I am dating, asks me to pay for her attorney to keep his children away from him. Hello? Can you say psycho? I calmly decline and she begins the downward spiral starting with, “Well, LM is just using you for your money, and you only have money because your parents put you through school.”

Here’s another thing about BPD’s – they try to go for what they perceive to be your weak points, but PEW really didn’t know me. She literally had only seen me for 2 minutes at a time and done some research (stalking) about me online. She falsely assumed a lot of things which just made me laugh. My parents are dirt poor and I worked my way through my degree, but even if my parents had paid for it, I find it funny that she would think that was an insult to me.

From here on out PEW basically tries to throw anything and everything at me hoping something will stick. “Well I just want you to know that I am here for you when LM starts abusing you, because no one was there for me.” First of all, she would have called her Daddy about .025 seconds after something happened if LM had actually abused her, so I didn’t believe that line at all. Then she tries to go after my ex-husband saying she wants to talk to him to let him know “what kind of man [I’m] living with.” Anytime she was met with facts like, “well PEW, we’ve been dating for 11-months now and he has yet to hit me or yell at me, when is this supposed to start?” – she would begin calling me names and telling me that I’m “just like him.”

After a little while we get on the subject of how she introduced the kids to her (short-lived) boyfriend after only 3-weeks, this after arguing that the kids shouldn’t meet me as we had only been dating for 6- or 7-months at the time. She had just lied to the custody evaluator telling her they had been together for 6-months and I called her on it. So what does she do? She asks me if I would like to talk to him because HE IS SITTING RIGHT THERE. Okay, this woman has been talking to her ex-husband’s girlfriend for an hour with her boyfriend sitting there by himself? It’s no wonder he dumped her ass shortly after the call. Anyway, he gets on the phone and I ask when they started dating. He verifies the exact timeline we had told the evaluator. So, PEW gets back on the phone and I call her on it. She starts backpeddling saying they “were dating but not telling anyone.” I asked her if he was aware that they had been dating, she immediately began calling me names again. The more I laughed, the more undone she became.

So then she starts calling me on my education and company background. She apparently believes that she has “earned a psych degree because she worked with kids for 5-years!” (I explained to her that she works with kids because they are the only people who look up to her because they don’t know better. This is supported by the types of problems she had when working with adults in a professional setting.) She went on saying that she has, and I quote, “lived psychology.” I simply replied, “being mentally disturbed, and having 3 family members with bipolar disorder, doesn’t in fact mean you have a psych degree.”

I continually tried to steer the conversation back to the issues we were supposed to be discussing, such as the story she kept telling family members about how LM took the van and left her with the (allegedly) “shitty car.” The reality? She had, in fact, chosen that car in the divorce settlement because it meant she got more money. I asked why she had wanted the marital home sold and the boys kicked out of the only home they had known, etc. She had no answers and would simply start calling me names like a 6-year old.

Since I wasn’t believing her story, she agreed to do several things to prove it all to me. She was going to print all the e-mails she had from LM showing the abuse. They never materialized. Not a single one. She said if the evaluation came down indicating LM as the “better parent” she wouldn’t go to court. Ha, she not only went that time, but again and again, and again. I made a $100 bet that no matter what the evaluation said she would say the counselor was snowed over by LM and that he needed psychological help – she lost, she never paid me. (Yes, CE #2 actually indicated that LM was the better equipped parent, but apparently not enough to give him primary custody. Her recommendation did increase his time, though.) PEW literally used that exact wording – “LM snowed her.” Interestingly enough, I can remember the first thing that custody evaluator #2 said when LM and I went in for our joint session with her. “Well, what are we going to do about PEW?” I kid you not. What do you say to that?

One interesting thing PEW did admit in the conversation was that her parenting skills are poor. Yeah, I was as surprised as you are. I said, “Yes, the children are better behaved when they are not with you.” What did she do? She turned that statement around the next day to everyone in her family and the police claiming that I said “the children were better off without you” and that she was threatened. This incident led to our first threatening phone calls from her family, police calls and visits, which we’ll include at some point.

Believe it or not, I was nice throughout the conversation, never called her a name, never really put her down, until towards the end of the call. She ended up getting so frustrated that she kept repeating over and over that I was “nothing.” I just told her if that makes her feel better to think so, whatever, I know the truth. So she tries to go for one more attack, her favorite: “So, can LM get it up?” Remember, her boyfriend is right there next to her! My response was calm and cool, “Actually yes, on demand, but that’s probably because I take care of myself unlike you,” *CLICK* She hung up just as I was about to add, “you fat pig.” I just had to after listening to her ramblings for an hour and a half. I added a few more sentences that were vulgar just to see LM’s reaction as he didn’t know she had hung up. His mortified facial reaction was priceless – that was the highlight of the call.

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Following a Path from Dentistry to Impotence. How? 10/2005

Mix in a little Psycho Ex-Wife and anything is possible!

Prior to the “Pearly Whites“ saga, was the 2-years prior dental visit for the children, which occurred in October of 2005. This was about a 1-1/2 years after our split and after I had moved about 3-1/2 hours away having been forced to sell the marital home. This, after exhaustive efforts to try to keep it to minimize the upset in the children’s lives.

Once I had relocated, it was as if anything that happened before that time ceased to exist. Anything and everything bad which occurred in PEW’s life was as a result of my relocation, which you’ll find whenever it is we happen to get this entire debacle “caught up.” I thought it good to toss out the predecessor to “Pearly Whites” to wrap-up it’s evolution.

What is interesting about this is that the dentist did take the insurance. The problem was, she kept giving them the health-insurance card and not the dental-insurance card.

—————
10/18/2005

LM,

I had to pay $255.00 out of pocket this morning for the dentist. Obviously if I send this form in they are going to send the re-imbursement to you. Can you pay me and I will give you the receipt to send in to your insurance company? I would really appreciate it due to the fact that I wasn’t expecting this expense and I am already paying $3000 for this evaluation this month.

Thanks,

PEW
—————
PEW,

As soon as the reimbursement check comes, I will send it directly to you.

You should have 6-months now to double-check which local dentist will handle the claim for us, otherwise, I can arrange to take them to the dentist here at some point next year.

~LM
—————

Good question. Solid reply. Two grown-ups cooperating and communicating effectively. Right? Wrong! Her reply to the above, strangely enough, comes two-days later.

—————
10/20/2005

LM,

Sure you will, that’s ok though because we’ll be meeting in court for my legal fees and the evaluation fee, so I’ll just keep track of all these little things.

Also, you are welcome to take them to the dentist down there, I never said not to. I think it would be great if you took part in their care every once in a while.

Also, S1 is definately allergic to something in hot dogs. He has had a bad reaction every time he’s eaten them over the past month. Last night, his face got all red, it looked almost like anphylaxis (don’t know how to spell it) and he was sick to his stomach until he finally threw up. Please make sure everyone knows not to let him eat hot dogs. It’s probably one of the preservatives or something, but the reaction has gotten progressively worse everytime.

PEW
—————

There you have it. The vacuum-cleaner is on and I will be sucked into the fray with the snide-remarks.

Worthy of note, at the time, if the boys weren’t having hot dogs for approximately 10 of their meals per week, perhaps he wouldn’t have had a reaction, Nurse Anphylaxis.

LM – DON’T DO IT! DON’T DO IT!!! (sigh) – He did it.

—————
PEW,

As much as you would like to believe yourself the martyr, I take great care of the children. And then, those few times where I need YOU to do that “co-parenting” you so often pontificate about but you never effectively participate in yourself… whether it’s his poor eating habits when he’s with you… following an appropriate rules set consistently… the gun-play and finding out what software gun and killing games your neighbor’s 6 year old is playing with S1 (or at the very least letting him watch)…

…you just ignore them, opting instead to continue to dwell on the past and start fights and name-call and re-write history to avoid accepting responsibility for the decisions you’ve made along the way.

I know that you can’t help yourself and I really pray for the day you can finally stop and get on with your life without all of the animosity and almost pathological desire to be combative with me.

~LM
—————
LM,

Keep telling yourself that, if it helps you sleep at night. Everytime I tried to do the co-parenting thing with you it blew up in my face.

As far as S1’s eating habits, did you read the evaluator’s report. Maybe you should read it again.

It’s interesting what you say here below because I haven’t made ANY bad decisions along the way. I simply did what I needed to do to get away from you. You are the one who thought of only yourself.

As far as moving on with my life, I have, but you make that as difficult as you possibly can by continuing with the custody evaluation after custody evaluation after custody evaluation. And your constant harrassment about stupid issues and continuing to tell people I am unstable etc..etc…etc… But that’s about to be cleared up once and for all and everyone will see how vindictive and hateful you really are.

Is it ever going to get any better than this?

PEW
—————

Another creepy thing PEW often does is re-use phraseology that I often mindlessly used when debating with her. The “if it helps you sleep well at night” is one I (too) often used and then it would come back at me.

It’s interesting to note her upset at my sharing the stories with my support system. You can’t begin to imagine the things she would tell people, including the children, about me. Actually, you’ve seen some of them already, what the hell am I saying?

Also, exaggerate much? We, at that point, had 2-custody evaluations. #2 was required by the court over my objections. I was willing to take my chances with evaluator #1s horrendous effort. My objection was declined, of course, because forcing us into another country CE exercise meant more money for the Divorce Cartel. We were later forced by the court to go to evaluation #3 (and we chose to go private this time) because evaluator #2 “forgot” to detail in the report that I was going for primary custody. The judge ruled that she would not hear the case because that omission meant a guaranteed grounds for appeal by either side no matter how she ruled and she wasn’t going to waste the time hearing the case.

—————
PEW – the issues over which I have expressed concern are not “stupid” issues and your categorizing them as such is yet another prime example of how uncooperative you truly are. You continue to revise history and lay the blame for all of your life’s trials and tribulations at my feet. Not only aren’t you honest with others, you’re not honest with yourself and that’s quite sad.

Any genuine concern of mine has been met with the usual and customary name-calling, blaming everything on my relocation, and rarely, if ever, met with any real consideration from you. Despite that, it is important that I continue to express my concerns as they arise and simply deal with your inability to set aside your personal issues with me to truly consider what those concerns mean for the children. Even with regard to the recent issues regarding the “gun play” topic – you probably couldn’t even explain to yourself how your ongoing, mean-spirit references to my non-existent “impotence” and calling DW “ugly” have anything to do with the issues that I bring up. I don’t bring up my personal life – you do – and you only do so to continue the verbal abuse and manipulation that plagued our entire relationship. You should stop it.

Maybe one day, we can discuss issues regarding our children without your campaign of name-calling and blame. Perhaps one day, you will hold your tongue when I want to discuss matters pertaining to the children and simply discuss – the children – and do so without your sarcastic tone.

~LM
—————

As if that’s going to work.

—————
LM,

I can’t even believe I am responding to you again……..you and DW insulted me on the phone, so I retaliated. Don’t even say that isn’t the case. And you were impotent, why would I make that up?? I’m very happy that DW cured you, but when you were with me you were. I guess it was me, but I never had to deal with that type of issue before I met you (or since).

I have cooperated with everything you have asked of me. There is no “gun-play” going on. He’s not playing video games over there. I always address your concerns…..always. The eating, exersize, consistency, distractions during phone calls….everything you’ve brought up, I have made efforts to remedy.

You are the one who is not honest with yourself or anyone else. This is called “Transferance” and it’s typical for you. Everything you say to me is exactly what you are guilty of. It’s actually kind of scary. Now stop emailing me AGAIN

PEW
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Is that what it’s called, doctor? It’s called projection and your picture is next to the definition in Webster’s Dictionary.

DW has talked on the phone with PEW 2-times, if I remember correctly. Maybe it was once. Therefore, I’m certain that DW didn’t insult her and I’m pretty sure I didn’t.

So, there you have it. A discussion which was intended to be about a reimbursement for OOP dental expenses went from:

Dentist >>> Hot Dogs and “Anphylaxis” >>> Co-Parenting >>> Impotence.

It’s the path of insanity in which I was all-too-often a willing participant.

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The PEW is a Parasite

As LM has indicated, being a stepparent can normally be nightmarish, add in a BPD and it’s hell on Earth. I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, and I don’t even believe that LM can understand what it’s like from my perspective. He has never had to deal with POE saying awful things about him, trying to ruin his relationship with my children, or the myriad of other crap the BPD piles on such as false child-abuse allegations. I know he has no idea how much it hurt to have a woman knock on my door and ask me if I had abused not only his kids, but my own. It’s just not possible to understand how one can feel unless you have had it happen to you. Of course, I can’t understand how he feels about a myriad of things, either. And so we have to balance our perspectives, it’s not often easy.

Dating someone with an ex isn’t easy either. I guess that goes whether someone was married or just in a long term relationship, as both will come with baggage. Having married young it wasn’t something I ever thought about.

The exchange you are about to read is several years old, it was our first summer with all the kids, the first summer in our new home, and the first summer PEW had a chance to ruin. And she did. The summer events of 2005 have had a lasting effect, which include the fact that I no longer plan vacations thinking the boys will even be involved. It’s unfortunate, but I’ve learned it’s a waste of money, time and frustration. As usual, the boys are the ones that lose out, and their mother simply doesn’t care. But, back to us. At the time we were going through the second custody evaluation and had an impending court date. My family was visiting, and LM was absent, although his body was hanging around.

07/08/2005 – LM

After being up nearly the entirety of the night, I was still unable to figure out how things spun so out of control. I’m really sorry that you felt I didn’t spend as much time with you guys as you wanted. My worries about what is happening with the forthcoming exchange of the boys, vacation, court, the call from *Attorney*, waiting on the report… yeah, I know it sounds like a bunch of excuses, but this past 7- to 10 days, I’ve been reeling. That said, I also am keenly aware that you are dealing with all of these issues at the same time. Toss that on my pile of worry.

Back to last night… forgive my having a problem with some of the things you said about me during various points of discussion with your Mom and Step-dad. Of course you can discuss “whatever I fucking want” with your parents. Forgive me if I would hope that you wouldn’t make fun of me or my way of thinking as a topic of discussion. You called me “idiot” at least once and something else I cannot recall at least once, and this – knowing how I feel about namecalling. I was never mad about the “packrat” thing.

Which brings me to my biggest concern… I tried like hell to try to get to a point where we could go to sleep without being angry and you turned it away outright. I still don’t know what I did or said that made you get so angry with me. When it culminated in your telling me that you didn’t care if I was on vacation with you, that was hurtful – “if you’re there you’re there, if you’re not, you’re not” is what you said. And here I am this morning wondering what in God’s name to do.

So I continue to troll through life apologizing for my feelings:

– I apologize that the only person I want to picture you with is me and despite my best efforts to share where I am coming from, you are mad at me for it.

– I apologize that my circumstances can sometimes overwhelm me and affect my moods and ability to interact so profoundly. I am scared to death, DW, I really am.

I want to know if you want me on vacation with you. Your comment last night means “no.” I need to know if you really feel that way. Right now I am so overwhelmed by everything that I feel like I’m going to have a nervous breakdown.

MY REPLY

Of course I want you on vacation, as always I want you there the whole time, with your children, with no problems. My issue last night was when you said that you have so much to worry about, yet my family was here and you weren’t worrying about spending time with us, when I was trying desparately to involve you for two days while staying involved with the situation with PEW. At that point I made a choice, I will worry about my family and let you worry about yours. So if it works out that you and the boys are there, GREAT, if not, I will still have a great time with my family. I can’t live with all of my vacations being ruined by the issues with PEW, I just can’t. I have planned everything with the boys specfically in mind, I don’t know how much else I can do LM, I just don’t. You’ve got to give me the same energy I give you LM, and I didn’t feel that the last two days, at all. All I wanted was a kiss last night and maybe the chance to make love.

I still don’t recall calling you an idiot, but I apologized for it anyway. And if I did do it I probably said it in jest about something you did, the same way you do to me as we BOTH know we are joking. I was also making fun of myself the whole night, like my driving, which you have done in front of your family as well, and it wasn’t an issue for me. We both know how much we care about each other. I understand that you have issues you bring to this relationship because of PEW, but I have NEVER in my life gotten my family against anyone I was in a relationship with, EVER. And I would never do that to you, we were just having a great conversation and of course I would talk about you.

As for: “So I continue to troll through life apologizing for my feelings”, wow. I know this comes from dealing with PEW, but please don’t act like you are the only one that apologizes (at least that’s how this comes across), not only do I apologize, I have tried to change the way I act around you. Your feelings are your feelings, and mine are mine, and we try to discuss them and meet in a middle ground. You’ve changed some things, and so have I.

I just don’t know what more I can do to help you through this situation with PEW. I honestly don’t. But there are some moments where you need to see that I’m practically begging you to forget her for five minutes and be here with ME. It’s selfish, but I need it sometimes. I felt like an ass around my own family last night, like I was a puppy following you around and you were ignoring me.

I love you LM, and I have never expressed the need for anyone other than you for the last 10 months. I’m still waiting for that kiss…

LM’s REPLY

I want to say again, as always – DW, I love you so much. I know the stress and burden that my situation presents to you, and yet you roll on – because of the kindness, concern, care, and love that you have for me and my children. Know that my feelings are equally as strong for you, SS1 and SD1. I am truly sorry for the feelings you have to endure when I get so “knocked for a loop” like the past few days – feeling like you’ve lost me to some other world of hurt. I wanted this vacation to be as perfect as we could make it and I allowed her latest antics to upset the apple cart far more than I should have. Please know that I am trying to make those moments few and far between. I don’t ever want you to fear that you are going to lose me to high anxiety or despair. I adore you and I can’t wait to come home and make up for the last few days.

You can see several classic fleas here, first the name-calling issue and then the apologizing. PEW is reknowned for her name-calling, and here’s LM taking something said in jest and remembering all the pain from the PEW. The apologizing thing we still haven’t worked out, lol. In most fights he will apologize for everything immediately and then add “because I know you won’t apologize.” And then of course, I don’t want to apologize, duh! Whether that is leftover from PEW or something we have turned into our own, I won’t venture to guess here, but I know it started from “she who is never wrong and is always the victim.”

I can tell you that these issues always appeared before every court date and still do although in a much smaller way. LM was consumed, with what the judge will think, how things will turn out, what will happen “if.” It affects everything in our lives, and, of course, that was simply something I never thought of when we started dating. Sure, your ex is crazy, who cares, I’m not dating her! HA! Oh, I am, she is there for everything. Her kids relay things we’ve said, things we’ve done, she has spies reporting to her about things we’ve done or places we’ve gone, this is how she would get into LM’s head (or used to mostly) and destroy the precious moments we have alone, the special events we try to plan for the kids, and literally every plan we try to make for the future. We still occasionally ask ourselves, how will PEW react? What will the judge think? What happens if PEW decides to show up an hour late and we miss our flight? Do we need to take two cars in case the psycho screws us yet again? We can’t have a child together because they would hate their life. It gets tiring.

Worse, it affects how much I want to do for my step-children.

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