Proactive Projection

Despite my title, I give her early credit for taking a stab at heading off any “drama” (as she put it) in the following email:

LM,

I just wanted to update you on S2. He still has a 103 fever. I’m going to give it till tomorrow and see if they can call something other than Amoxcicillan in. If my memory serves me, he never really responds to that. I called the Dr. this morning and they said to give it another 24 hours.

Also, I wanted to head off any holiday drama this year. Thanksgiving is mind right?

I know you get Christmas again, but that IS my week, so you will pick up on Christmas Eve and return them either Christmas Day evening or in the AM on the 26th? Please confirm pick up and drop off asap.

New years is mine this year. which falls during your week, so I am assuming we exchange new years eve and then again New years day??

Like I said. I want to head off the drama before it begins, so please respond asap.

~PEW

It’s apparently still too difficult for her to check the court order as the schedule is that clear.

• Thanksgiving is hers this year.
• Christmas is mine this year, pick-up on Christmas Eve and drop-off on December 26th.
• New Year’s is hers this year, pick-up on New Year’s Eve and drop-off on January 1st.

I did laugh a little at her contention that she is the one trying to head off the drama, considering she is the only one who has engaged in custodial interference, failing to show up for my Christmas holiday with the children in 2006. This resulted in a contempt hearing where she was found guilty of custodial interference and failure to follow other provisions of the court order in place at the time.

But hey… if that makes her feel better and she ultimate complies with the order this year… I’m okay with that!

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The Next Problem: The Cellphone

Shocker! The Psycho Ex-Wife purchased a cellphone for S1. When he called me from it, he was so excited and I just rolled with it. He’s 10. I’m sure it won’t be long before the incessant whining for his own from S2 will result in his having one, too.

While I want the boys and girl to be educated on technology, it’s responsible use, and the costs associated with same, I am staunchly on the side of “children don’t need to have cellphones.”

It will be interesting to see how this plays out and how much issue she will have with my house rules regarding cellphone use. I considered saying “assuming she allows it to come to my home” – but I have no doubt she will ensure it’s sent. However, it will be left on the counter along with mine on the charger. It will not be going to school. And I can’t wait to see what happens the first time it is lost, stolen, or broken during my custodial time.

I’m sure now, in addition to the copious amounts of videogame time, followed closely by watching television time, will be sitting around playing with his new cellphone and the “Sedentary Lifestyle Trifecta” will be complete.

Nevermind the constant cry of an inability to pay her bills, the foreclosure notice, and all of the other complaints about money while not accepting responsibility for the poor decisions she makes.

Pessimistic about this development? You betcha!

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Stalker Stuff (Cyber-Stalking)

Every once in a while, something happens that makes me cranky for longer than a few minutes. The last few days would include one of those instances.

During a short exchange regarding getting the children this week (right of first refusal issue) – PEW did what I’ve described previously as either letting me know she knows something she shouldn’t (always nothing major, just enough to let me know she’s stalking) or tips me off about something she has planned, which is always helpful to me with preparation.

The latter – I’ve already discussed. She’s planning on taking a run at more child support when the year since the last order is up – October. It’s kind of a big deal in that even though the risk of an increase is small, the amount I know it could increase will end up being a substantial burden (a few hundred bucks). However, it could go my way, which would result in a reduction of a few hundred bucks. At least I have the time to prepare and get my paperwork in order. She’s probably suffering from significant withdrawal symptoms given that we haven’t seen the inside of the court room or conference room since November of 2007.

The other thing was a bit more of a shock to the system. In terms of the big picture, it doesn’t amount to a hill of beans. However, the reality that there was only one way she could have come about the information is alarming (and a Federal crime, if only there was some way to prove it).

She made a less-than-nice reference to the place we rent where I work including some specific detail about the exterior. Now, below the surface, it might indicate that she came onto the property. However, I’m not convinced that happened. She could have simply come into the knowledge given a description of the residence by the boys. In order to have seen the place for herself, she would have to drive up a 1/4-mile long driveway and past the main house (landlord’s estate) in order to see it for herself. That would take a lot of guts and risk. (Of course, the owners are aware of no gory details, so I imagine she would only have to say she made a wrong turn if confronted anyway.) DW believes nothing would stop her from crossing such lines. I suppose I do, too, after all, she went head-to-head with Judge Contempt with no qualms at all and engaged in heated debates with her. I can be strong-minded, but that’s a line I wouldn’t dare cross.

I’m considering taking a picture of her car, it’s license-plate and giving it to the property owner and telling them, If this car enters your property, call the police and have her arrested for trespassing. I’m on the fence about whether or not to do that. Our landlords are great and I don’t want to cause them any undo worry or, in a worst-case scenario, give them a reason to find new tenants.

The bigger deal was…

She wrote a sentence in an email that included a few words regarding a disagreement DW and I had over a minor issue earlier this year. While it was factually inaccurate, I think it was deliberately so. The point is, the knowledge surrounding the general issue was enough to send the message ‘I know something… I saw something… and I’m letting you know I saw it in a place where your security was violated.’ As the matter was discussed only between DW and I verbally and a few emails, there is only one way she could have come about the information. DW and I discussed it with no one outside of ourselves. No one. It means the only way she could have known was by being in an email account I have in which the discussion took place.

So, I immediately logged-in and looked around. I didn’t think I had saved anything and I’m usually very diligent about purging my emails. When I go into the sent folder, I see that the email doesn’t automatically purge sent items like some do. Going way back, I found ONE email that contained just enough detail for her to let me know she “had something” on me.

This disturbed me to my core. Not in that I thought she was beyond that, quite the contrary. I’m at fault for leaving a password on it that, while obscure, dated back to something that she could have guessed, even on a lark. I thought about “forgot password” options where you need to answer a few questions that anyone who knows you could probably answer quite readily. In this case, it resets the password, which means I wouldn’t have been able to login. We wracked our brains. It’s the ONLY way.

So, I’ve changed all of my passwords. In my reply, I tried a very roundabout way to try and coax an admission out of her so that I actually had a shot at taking some action. It didn’t take and I let it go because I didn’t want to prolong a discussion about something that was none of her business nor had any bearing on any issue that has existed or may arise between us.

I’m pissed that there is nothing I can do about it and that put me in a cranky place for longer than most things I usually just find a way to disregard or otherwise just laugh-off as more of her mindless, delusional ranting. That’s two felonies she’s committed and I either can’t prove it or simply don’t have the funds and wherewithal to pursue.

It would appear that no matter how hard I wish and pray she would just stop – she isn’t going to. Very frustrating.

LESSON: USE STRONG PASSWORDS. CAPS, LOWERCASE, LETTERS, AND NUMBERS, FOLKS!

Chances are, your ex-spouse or ex significant other knows what hospital you were born in, your mother’s maiden name, your first pet, the first time you shaved your ass, any school you’ve ever gone to, your grandparent’s first and last names, the first time you masturbated, your first car, your first job, etc. I wish that email systems would just allow you to do a password reset based on you answering your own custom questions. Dumbasses.

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Oops! …I Did It Again!

No, this is not a review of the popular (or should I say… once popular) Britney Spears song.

What I mean is, I have again violated my own advice and took a small step over the boundary (and advice) I lovingly refer to as LOW-CONTACT. Feel free to bash me with your comments. I deserve it. Still, despite thinking I knew that the words would be wasted, what I got in reply was completely unexpected.

It started off as appropriate communication and then I crossed that low-contact line. It was a continuation of the discussion about picking up the boys early today.

Here’s how it started:

LM,

Two things I wanted to let you know. I get done at 3 tomorrow, so I’ll pick the boys up from camp and then you can pick them up at the house. The second thing is that they told me you told them it was their choice about going with you this weekend? I really wish you could see how upset they are about this. I’m not trying to be a jerk to you or anything….I just wish I knew why they are reacting this way.

~PEW

My reply isn’t too bad in keeping it short and to the point. However, I do get into a slight bit of explanation.

PEW,

– Okay, I’ll pick’em up from the house.

– I did not tell them that it’s not their choice. I let them know that I would be asking you and it was your choice.

– They react that way because that’s what they do when they want to get their way. This is not a new display for them. When they’re used to getting their way when they whine, cry, and get all dramatic, that’s what they do. It’s also why they don’t do it with me. The parent makes a decision and the kids live with it. There is no reason why they should be left to badger you about this for days on end. “Mom and Dad made a schedule change. Stop whining.”

~LM

And comes the inevitable reply…

LM,

Well, I look at the bigger picture, which is, they should be HAPPY to be going to you early, not freaking out. That’s the part that I don’t like. I have S2 saying to me before bed, “I wish you and Daddy didn’t break up, why did you? then we wouldn’t have to do this back and forth back and forth all the time and the long trips all the time”……I don’t like to have to go back there and try to explain all this four years later….they should WANT to be with you. That’s the big picture….it’s not about getting what they want, because they don’t ever get what they really want.

~PEW

The usual guilt-tripping, mirroring, excuse-making, and of course, blaming while acting as though they “want” to be with her and “don’t want” to be with me.

Now, when I’m actually being smart – this is the point where I would go “dark.” That is, it’s the end of the replies. I wasn’t smart.

PEW,

You just don’t get it and likely never will.

~LM

I know having crossed the line, it will escalate.

LM,

I get it. Do you???

~PEW

NOW, I choose to wise up and not reply. I accept that my “beat around the bush” not being accusatory in my reply would probably fall on deaf ears. She doesn’t get that given the choice between fun-house all the time and fun-house some of the time with responsibilities, reading, learning, discipline and expectations… children will want to be at “fun-house all the time.”

What happened next was completely unexpected and apparently… serious…

LM,

We could get back together, is that an option?

~PEW

Are you fucking kidding me?!?!?! I’ve posted before about DW’s contention that this has been the case all along. I also posted specifically about a challenge and openly admitted, despite prior disbelief, that DW was absolutely correct and I was unequivocally proven wrong. (I can’t remember which one it was and so… no link for you!) This isn’t the first “get back together” overture by PEW, but I am still completely shocked each time it happens. Remember, I’m the drunken, drugging, physically/mentally/verbally/emotionally abusive, impotent homosexual who cares about no one and nothing except himself and money. It’s why she walked out on me and filed for divorce and fought me tooth-and-nail for custody of the children. I’m the guy who caused her to fear for her safety and that of the children.

She is sick. And it’s sad… and it’s frustrating… and worst of all – it’s scary. I have fears that I wouldn’t wish on anybody – and they have to do with the children… but again, there is nothing I can do about it.

I reply…

PEW,

Not only is it not an option, it never was nor will it ever be. I’m deeply in love with DW and I wish you would stop with such complete and utter nonsense.

And if you’re even remotely serious with that question – you’re just not right in the head.

~LM

Yes, I went “low-road” instead of low-contact. I told you… I still make mistakes. I make mistakes even when I know before I make them that they’re mistakes.

LM,

Well that would make two of us, who are not right in the head, wouldn’t it? I’m glad you’re deeply in love. You should try not hating me so much and thinking of yourself as so superior, because you’re just not.

~PEW

She’s right but not for the reasons she thinks. I’m not right in the head because, as I often say to others in similar predicaments… “You talk to her too much.”

What she and some others don’t get is – I don’t hate her. I often hate some of the things she does, but I don’t hate her. She’s just not right and for that I’m sad… most especially for the kids.

Tomorrow… my fantasy email reply to her lack of understanding about why the kids react the way that they do. I haven’t done one of those in a while.

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So I Don’t Have to be the Bad Guy…

The wait for the reply is over. At least initially, I was pleasantly surprised and prepared to say, “I was wrong, she came back with a reply that was civil and cooperative.” She did. Unfortunately, it wasn’t long before the backslide began and old habits reared their ugly head. The old habit? An inability to just step up and “be the parent.” So, without much further adieu – the reply regarding yesterday’s request for extra time with the children.

LM,

Actually, camp ends on the 15th for the summer. I had arranged to have my friend T——‘s nephew (a teenager) watch them that week, which is fine if you’re working up here and you want to leave them with him during the day at my house and just pick them up after you get done work that’s fine too.

I think it’s only fair that I let you have them early if you want this week since you did that for me when I wanted to go away. Are you guys going somewhere?

~PEW

A couple of things are interesting in this response. That is… aside from the apparent cooperation.

The first – the irony that she has a “teenager” prepared to babysit the children. This is another one of those examples where her rules don’t apply to her, just everyone else. Of course, the first thing I remember is her outrage that I had not one, but TWO very responsible 16-year olds watch the boys for a few hours on New Year’s Eve while DW and I attended a community event. So, it’s okay for her to do that (all day long while she is at work for a full week), but not okay for me to do it for a few hours. She made mention of it in this rant about her safety concerns.

The second – this is a violation of the court order. The childcare provision of our agreement was born of a couple of issues. #1 – her repeatedly pulling the children out of agreed-upon childcare and placing them with friends while pocketing my portion of the childcare expenses. (She was ultimately found in contempt-of-court on that issue.) #2 – Her objections over my early use of a nanny (who happened to be licensed and certified). In order to avoid any more problems, a provision regarding childcare requires:

7 – Childcare: During the school year, the children are to be enrolled in aftercare associated with the school they attend preferably. If not, another licensed daycare facility is permitted as agreed upon in writing by both parties. During the summer period, the children are to be enrolled in a licensed daycare facility, summer camp, or certified nanny as agreed upon in writing by both parties.

So much for her alleged safety concerns and at least she remains consistent in not following court orders. Still, I am pleased with the apparent cooperation!

Well, it didn’t last long. The initial response consititutes an “agreed upon change in writing between both parties.” See my post The Greatest Custody Order/Agreement Clause post. I wrote back:

PEW,

Thanks. If you have day coverage, that would make it MUCH easier. I can cover you on the 20th & 21st. No specific plans, just wanted to have two full weekend days to do stuff. Beach. Bike training. Whatever else we can think of.

~LM

Not long after my agreement to do both, comes the change via text and then email.

Text message 1 from PEW:

The boys freaked when I said they were getting pu early they said that ur not going anywhere.

Text message 2 from PEW:

Can we do it on a weekend u have something special so I don’t have to be a bad guy?

Email from PEW:

LM,

would you like to try to talk to them about this weekend? I felt really bad because they said they feel like they don’t get to spend enough time with me.

~PEW

It was nice while it lasted. It’s astounding, given how many times I’ve been deliberately put into the position of “bad guy” because she didn’t want to parent, discipline, explain appropriately, etc. because of her. This link explains it pretty well: Why Our Sons Will Struggle with Discipline. It is one of many examples sprinkled throughout this blog. Here she is, incapable of taking advantage of a perfect opportunity to explain to the children that mom and dad are cooperating and put down their clear attempt to manipulate the situation. Again, I will not bail her out.

PEW,

No, not particularly. What I would like is for you to tell them that we’ve made a schedule adjustment, as I have for you in the past and it would be nice to just spend a weekend doing things instead of spending one of the days interrupted by an exchange.

What I won’t do is get into a situation where they’re manipulating the situation into that one of us (whether it is you or me) have some “expectation” that something “special” needs to be done for them… on their terms. An explanation that we’re cooperating with one another for a change is all the reason that they need.

~LM

At this point, I’m not sure that the early pick-up this week is going to happen. Of course, that will be another violation of the custody order and the question becomes, do I point that out and go pick up the children anyway? We know that will only escalate the situation, but I am well within my rights to do just that. Of course, it will be met with the flaming email barrage which will be ignored.

In any event…

LM,

Fine. I’ll talk to them. As for the 20th and 21st, I just need you to take them overnight on the 20th. I’ll be coming home thursday night around 7 or 8ish, so I’ll just have someone watch them till I get home. On Friday morning I’m going to take them to [parent’s vacation home] for the weekend, so just confirm, ok?

I also wanted to talk to you about school supplies. I have lists and I am wondering if you will split the cost with me this year because I am broke, as you know?

~PEW

Aren’t we all? In the same breath that she informs me she is taking off from work to drive several hours for a weekend vacation – she’s telling me to split the school supplies because she’s broke. Did you catch that?

PEW,

I’m confirming everything with one exception. I’ll pick them [up] on Thursday and take them home and feed them and we can arrange to exchange as you get closer to home.

Email me the school supplies list.

~LM

Fine LM. I have the lists at home, I’ll try to remember to bring them tomorrow.

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Unrequited Cooperation

While no surprise, I still feel compelled to toss out a short post.

I’m all about following the court-order to the letter. The fewer deviations we have, the less interaction we have, everyone is “happy.” Still, in the spirit of cooperation and knowing that there will come a day or days when I need some schedule flexibility, I will attempt on occasion to be flexible in the foolish hopes of seeing it reciprocated when a need or even a desire comes into play for me. Usually, it gets shot-down and I stop being flexible for a while and then try again some time down the road. It’s a prime example of why co-parenting fails in such situations and parallel-parenting is employed.

I’ve recently “tried.” The PEW was scheduled to go on vacation with the children the week of July 6th. As I knew where they were going and that she would be “waiting around” until exchange day (Sunday), I offered her the children a few days early so that they could depart as early as Thursday night, but more likely Friday.

PEW,

Also, it looks like we’ll head up early for 4th weekend, so if you would like me to drop them off on Thursday night so that you can take an extended vacation, speak now or forever hold your peace.

~LM

LM,

That would be great if you wanted to drop them off thursday night I just really didn’t want to drive all the way to [old summer exchange point] then to the shore. I would be happy to return the favor if you go away over the summer.

~PEW

PEW,

Very good then.

Thursday is a “work” day for me, so it probably won’t be until bedtime”ish” – but plan on the evening of the 3rd.

I’ll ask for a Friday pickup at least one time during the summer, I’m sure.

~LM

A couple of weeks ago, she claimed to have a business trip out of town for August 4th and 5th. She asked if I could keep the boys a few extra days. AFTER I made arrangements and agreed to do it and asked for her written acknowledgement, she hedged, claiming it wasn’t “officially set yet” and she might not be going after all. I told her I needed it in writing by July 28th in order to make appropriate plans and she subsequently said she wasn’t going after all. (I’m not sure she actually has a business trip, but that really doesn’t matter to me.) This is also why a “right of first refusal” clause is very important in custody agreements.

So, there’s twice. Big time flexibility.

Interestingly enough, because of some family activities and a burning desire to do some chores early this past Sunday, when she asked me about what time I would be doing the exchange with the children, I asked, if it was no imposition to her, if I could drop them off a few hours later. It would give me time to get the lawn mowed, some wash done, COOK them a lunch and dinner and take our time.

Her reply was unfavorable. She claimed because she had “only called one time” during the week, she really wanted to see them and wanted me to drop them off in accordance with the order. So, without argument, I scalped the lawn, threw everything in the minivan, grabbed a bite to eat on the road and got there at the prescribed time.

So much for reciprocation.

Additionally, because I went to spend an entire weekend doing nothing but fun, relaxing stuff, I was planning on asking for the boys on Friday for an extended weekend on the front-end of my next custodial period. I have been skeptical about obtaining that given the fact that I couldn’t get a couple of hours, but a question never asked always has a “no” answer.

This morning I get an email about another business trip to the same place.

Hi LM,

Ok, I have another dilemma. This time I absolutely have to go to [out of town] leaving the 20th around 11am and coming home the 21st at around 7pm. I got out of it the last time, but this time is a must for me. Can we switch off at all?

~PEW

Seeing this as a potential opportunity for a “yes” answer, I reply:

PEW,

I just have to check my work calendar. Are they in camp that week?

Also, I was wondering if I might be able to pick up the boys early this week, on Friday from camp to have a couple of extra days on the weekend?

Let me know.

~LM

Now, I have no intention of using this as a “if you don’t do for me, then the answer is no” situation. I welcome the additional time with the kids any chance I can get it. As usual, cooperation continues to be a one-way street with PEW. Yes, I know this. Yes, it’s expected.

Still, I’ll give her many opportunities to back up her lies with supportable action, and if she fails – it’s just another thing for the evidence folder. If she succeeds, I’ll be happy to post that she has cooperated without a hassle.

Anyone want to venture a guess as to her response while I sit here and await it?

My guess: I really value my time with the children and we have a WWE MARATHON OF CAGE MATCHES to watch together all weekend long! Forget I asked, I’ll just find someone else to watch the kids for my business trip. I don’t know why you always have to do this to the children! THINK OF THE CHILDREN!!! YOU ALWAYS DO STUFF LIKE THIS LA LALALALLALALALAL!!! RANT RAVE CURSE SPEW!!!

Then I’ll remind her of the ROFR clause and keep them for her “business” trip anyway…

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A New Set of Wheels

Well, it would seem someone stepped up to help her out. Given her track record and the reality of her being a bad credit risk, someone is also about to be sorely disappointed about being out some money.

Arrived at the exchange yesterday and she was in a new (used) car. I don’t know if it was the “$2,000” car she described to me in her last call for help or not. I didn’t ask and she certainly wasn’t volunteering the information. While the way a car looks on the outside means nothing regarding it’s mechanical condition – I was at least partly relieved that it appeared to be in excellent physical condition. The boys told me it was purchased from “a neighbor friend of Mom-Mom’s” (PEW’s mother).

The leased vehicle is set to be turned in later this week. I would guess that PEW thinks she is simply going to drop it off and walk away. I would also guess, given the many horror stories I’ve heard about lease turn-ins from friends and family, she’ll be in for quite a surprise when they nickel & dime her to death when they “inspect” the car and tell her everything it “needs” or little things for which they won’t return the security deposit or will ultimately bill her for. Hopefully, I never get to hear the details.

Kids had a great week and appear oblivious to the alleged financial goings-on with their mom. That’s a good thing, at least until we find out what is real.

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A New Call for Help from the Psycho Ex-Wife

It would appear that the nasty snowball is beginning to pick up speed as it rolls down the hill. Let’s hope, for us and the children, we suffer only a glancing blow…

This morning, I am rousted from la-la land by the tell-tale buzzing coming from the cellphone which I have again – failed to turn off before going to bed.

When I finally manage to drag my ass downstairs, there is one voice mail and one text message. It’s PEW. The voice mail lets me know that she has a “huge favor to ask” of me and could I “PLEASE call back.” The text message: “Can we talk?”

Today, I decide I will call during lunch time. It’s probably something to do with the home foreclosure notice. I chat it over with DW and agree that if it’s not an urgent matter pertaining to the children (in keeping with low-contact methodology) – the call is over. Of course, I am calling which is outside my rule of “written communication only” – which only means I’ll have a much quicker trigger-finger on the hang-up. Still, I have to know.

She calls me at lunch from work. She almost immediately launches into tears and is sobbing on the phone. She has called to ask me for a loan, which, in and of itself is morbidly comical given her shot credit (nevermind that she’s asking me).

It seems that her auto lease is up in one week. So, in keeping with her mindless financial ignorance and irresponsibility, she expected to walk right in, turn this car in and get another one! No muss, no fuss! Well, that’s not quite how things turned out. She walked into the dealership so full of her usual false confidence and they told her, NO WAY! This is telling because, it wasn’t “your credit is not the best, the terms are going to be different” or “you’ve never missed a payment with us, so all is good, we’ll just need a bigger security deposit” or anything like that. It was a flat-out “NO – we’re not giving you a car. Sorry. We’ll see you next week when it’s time to turn yours in!”

She asked me to loan her $1,000 to purchase a car which she would “pay me back very quickly.” Are you kidding me? She “knows someone” who has a car that she can get for $2,000 and she might be able to only come up with $1,000. This means she will make another knee-jerk decision on a car that is probably a complete piece-of-shit, if not a danger to the children… that is, assuming she can get one at all. This is just great. Now the kids are “looking forward” to having no home and no car. Worse than that, if she can’t get a loan, keep a home, and has been turned down for a car, how in the hell is she going to be able to secure a safe, appropriate-for-the-kids apartment?!?!

I remember all too well the days approaching the sale of the marital home… the steep child support figure… and running a budget only to find out what I could (couldn’t, actually) afford in terms of a place to live. I was unhappy with every single option available to me – mostly because they weren’t in very good neighborhoods and the school systems weren’t up to my satisfaction. And what I could get for about $1,000/month during the real estate boom was minimalist at best.

She sobbed telling me that she can’t borrow any more money from her family as she’s already borrowed something in excess of $20,000. Her siblings aren’t an option. I explained to her very succinctly that I am not an option and wouldn’t, even if I could… I’ve already paid her $40,000+ over the last 4-years for which she has nothing to show. She got $65,000 from the forced sale of the marital home. She took out a 2nd-mortgage to the tune of $51,000. She told me years ago her credit cards were at or near max to the tune of $32,000 conservatively. She earned through her work $140,000 conservatively in the last 4-years. I paid short-term spousal support early on in this debacle to the tune of approximately $2,500. She cashed out her 401K a while back which was conservatively $20,000.

She has spent of her own and other people’s money roughly $370,000 over the course of 4-years and has absolutely nothing to show for it, except her house which is going to be taken away from her. I mean, she only put $10,000 down on the house and nothing down on her car lease, where did all that money go?!?!?!

Adding to the head-spinning is the fact that in the last few weeks she has:

– Gone on vacation for 10-days with the boys.
– Gone out to the movies and to lunch with her sister.
– Took the children to a live WWE Wrestling Event, with 8th-row seats, 2-nights ago.

Small potatoes in the grand scheme, but her unmitigated gall never fails to amaze… and know that this is not because we’re the picture of financial perfection – but we’re plodding along with our focus on continuing to right our own ship in the aftermath of all this messiness. That means – no “real” vacation in the last 3-years among many other sacrifices to keep from being exactly where PEW is right now.

The conversation ended with her saying, “Well, at least it was worth a try. Thanks for listening.” I hung up without reply. I’m worrying more and more each day wondering how this is going to impact the kids… knowing I have to wait for a complete collapse before being in a position to do anything about any of this… and there will still be no guarantee that things will turn in my favor or the children’s favor in the aftermath of that collapse.

What a mess.

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The Minor Annoyances

We were away visiting relatives this weekend. PEW asks to get the kids a few hours early, which in and of itself is no big deal, it’s just an excuse for me to break out this morning a little earlier. Otherwise, we would have stayed until after another fabulous lunch prepared by Grandmom.

After we get on the road in an effort to get back in time for a 1:00 PM exchange… I get a text informing me that she “can’t” meet until 3:00 PM because she’s going out to the movies and then out to lunch with her sister.

It’s annoying because it conveniently occurs after we’re on the road. It’s annoying because, while I’m sure life has to go on in the midst of home foreclosure proceedings – I suppose she’s strapped on her classic financial blinders and will just ignore it and carry on as always.

Of course, maybe she is saving a few bucks by hitting the matinee. 😉

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Home Foreclosure

I finally got the follow-up information via email yesterday morning. Care to guess as to whether or not she accepts responsibility for her predicament? Care to guess whether or not she blames herself and her actions? Care to guess if she expresses concerns for the children or makes overtures about pursuing me for more money?

LM,

Here is what I was talking about last night. I got a forclosure notice. I knew it would happen eventually because of all of the thousands and thousands I spent on custody, which ultimately I had to take out a 2nd mortgage to pay the attorney. Obviously I’m a little distraught which is why I was reaching out to you.

I realize you really don’t care, however it brings me to another subject. Are you planning on remaining up here in [work state] for next school year? I don’t really need anymore suprises, you know? I’m also thinking in October we should revisit the support, I did put $2400 back in your pocket this year and I really don’t know why I did that. I need to do whatever I can to keep the house and keep the boys in their school where they are very happy.

So that’s it, I realize you’re not going to help me, but please understand why I feel I need to re-file for support in October. $200 a month will help.

By the way, did you make a dentist appt?

~PEW

The variety and level of emotions I feel right now on this issue have me almost dizzy. I’m pissed. I’m disappointed. I’m sad. I’m frustrated. All of them and more… for a variety of reasons.

Family Court System Rant

Notice that the first order of business for her is to come after the father for more money. More money that she feels entitled to and due to the fact that her irresponsible spending and budgeting (or lack thereof), for which she is notorious, needs to become my problem even though we’re long divorced.

The system will entertain that effort and I will have to defend against it, mostly because we’re digging out of our own hole and we are on a razor-thin budget, primarily due to all of the prior years’ litigation, combined with my 2007 unemployment, followed by the need to maintain 2 households in 2 states just so that I could have a job, but most importantly, shared custody of the children.

Any adjustment in child support upward jeopardizes my ability to maintain the place in my work state, which in turn jeopardizes my ability to keep my job in my work state, which in turn jeopardizes my ability to make sure we don’t end up losing our home in the primary home state, which in turn jeopardizes my ability to maintain shared custody of the boys.

None of that will have the slightest impact on her, even if I were to choose to point out these stark realities to her. She’ll take everyone down with her, including the children, because she feels that is what she’s owed.

Why I have to pay child support at all given that we both make good wages is inexcusable and a testament to the greed of the state. We (under normal circumstances, obviously) both make a good enough wage to support these children 50% of the time on our own. In fact, it’s good enough to support these two children 100% of the time on our own and yet… simply because I make more than she does, I have to PAY! Go on, tell me it’s about the needs and best interests of the children and not a simple transfer of wealth so that the state’s can benefit from their federal incentives.

PEW Rant

– She is in the predicament she is in because she can’t control her spending. $200/month additional will not help. It probably won’t even prolong the inevitable.

– She is in the predicament she is in because she chose to litigate custody and the property settlement. I need not remind the regular readers that had she accepted the “best offer” I could manage in 2004, she would have probably close to 6-figures worth of total retirement investment and would not have spent high 5-figures (perhaps low 6-figures) in legal expenses to end up with little more than my best offer (in settlement) and the shared custody that I had sought originally, and now have after exhausting more than our available resources to come to that very same conclusion.

– She is in that position because she takes vacations, gets her hair and nails done, purchased all new furniture… ALL new furniture when she moved out and did so on credit expecting the windfall her attorney promised and never delivered to pay for it.

– She is in that position because she buys these kids something, anything, every single time they go out somewhere… food shopping, clothes shopping, errand running, whatever – they come home with a toy or more than one toy or some other inconsequential knick-knack, because that’s what she does – buys their love and adoration.

– She is in that position because she added the additional expenses and responsibility of a dog, birds, hermit crabs, lizards, and countless other poor, unfortunate creatures over the last 4-years.

– She is in that position because she needs a new car every couple of years… her latest, a lease with ridiculously low mileage allowance that will probably cost her money when it’s time to turn it in, which is soon. And has cost her every year for going over the mileage allocation, of course that was our fault too.

– She can’t even begin to consider the negative implications of another move on the children. Worse, my reasons for wanting to keep the children in the marital household were summarily dismissed as inconsequential and yet… she is using the exact some reasoning to justify what appears to be future litigation… “I need to do whatever I can to keep those kids in the school where they are very happy.” Interesting how their happiness with school, friends, neighbors, family, and home made no difference to her back in 2004/2005. Her efforts also include allowing her sick, unstable, alcoholic sister to move back in with her. This will be her/their FOURTH home involving mom since 2004. (We have maintained our home in our home state and as previously explained, have an additional place I needed to get in order to have a job.)

– She’s squandered more than $40,000 worth of tax-free child support on top of making a wage that is well-above the national average salary in the United States… and now whatever else she is collecting from psycho-sil as rent.

– She had no business buying that house in the first place. Given that her credit is probably tanked given that things have gotten to this point in the first place, I can’t even begin to guess where she is going to move with the children when the ax falls.

– She claims to have given me back $2,400 this year, conveniently wiping from her memory; the fraudulent theft of funds by inflating the amount of childcare expenses she had over the course of 2-years before finally being found in contempt… me forgiving credits due me to the tune of about $5,000 total in 2005 and 2006 to avoid litigation that would have probably cost me the amount I was trying to get back… caving-in on the property settlement instead of fighting for my “pre-marital equity” off of the top to the tune of $24,000. She thinks that because we settled on $400/month in CS (despite her very good earnings) with 50/50 custody she gave me something back. Fact is, we arrived at that figure because I was prepared to go to a hearing for a “special exception” which had already been previously granted to me. Had I pushed for it, CS would have been approximately $100/month. However, had it not been granted, it would have been approximately $600/month. I could put on my “PEW Cap” and tell her that I’ve actually given her $3,600 more than she was legally entitled to this year.

(From the mind of DW: Besides all the things LM has said, what amazes me still is that she reasonably believes the he SHOULD and WOULD help her, if only I weren’t in the picture.

She lives in a dream world where a man she left, took all his money, took his kids, made him sell the house, called the cops on him, told people he is an alcoholic, gay, wife abuser, filed false child abuse charges against, would just up and pay all of her bills. Forever. Just because. If any judge in the world cannot see that she is psycho, they should be thrown off the bench.

Here she is, years into it, and she “knew” she would be foreclosed on at some point, and she has done NOTHING to stop it. She was on vacation for 10 days last week – we haven’t had a vacation in 3-years. She has her nails done weekly, hair done monthly, while I have literally never had my nails done, and have had 1 professional hair cut in the last 4-years. Ah yes, but the fact that we (LM) fought for custody, that is the reason she is in debt, because she didn’t want her children to ever see their father. For that, we should pay her bills, and of course I’m the only one standing in her way. Fucking psycho.)

What to do… What to do?

– File for primary custody to settle down this “annual move tradition” that PEW has established? The neighboring school district, the one in which I live, is outstanding and the brand new elementary school is about 1-mile from the “work-state home.” My gut tells me that I could try that but it is still a long shot, being a father and all. Filing now crossed my mind except that it would be unlikely to be settled in time for the school year.

– Prepare now to justify keeping the CS level where it is… because of the potential consequences of any modification upward? DEFINITELY. Of course, I will again argue for the deviation due to special circumstances and maybe get that downward modification.

The financial and personal sacrifices we’ve made (that is… DW and I) just to get to 50/50 are substantial. It really wrankles my ass that she has made essentially NONE and continues to provide for the boys a life of upheaval, choas, and disarray – and there is very likely nothing I can do to change it.

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