The Restraining Order Conclusion

After filing the petition for a restraining order on September 2nd, 2004, a hearing was scheduled for the following week on September 8th. PEW was appropriately served her notice and showed up with her legal representation. After lengthy discussion with my attorney, he was confident that I could handle this on my own and effectively told me to stick to the facts as I had presented them in the petition and do not deviate. Explain the story, provide your evidence (police reports and calls) and it should be granted.

Now, many attorneys do their “pro bono” work as may be required by their firms during restraining order issues. I was approached by one and decided to go ahead and take it. With a few hours to go until it was our turn, I filled him in on all of the details and he agreed that it was quite likely that I would get the restraining order.

I requested the following:

• Restrain Defendant from abusing, threatening, harassing, or stalking Plaintiff and/or minor children in any place where Plaintiff may be found.
• Evict/exclude Defendant from Plaintiff’s residence and prohibit Defendant from attempting to enter any temporary or permanent residence of Plaintiff.
• Award Plaintiff temporary custody of the minor children and place the following restrictions on contact between the Defendant and the children: “Any agreed-upon visitation requires an exchange no closer than the driveway of the marital residence with no entry into the home.”
• Prohibit Defendant from having any contact with Plaintiff and/or minor children either in person, by telephone, or in writing, personally or through third persons, including but not limited to any contact at school, business, or place of employment, except as the court may find necessary with respect to partial custody and/or visitation with the minor children.
• Prohibit Defendant from having any contact with the Plaintiff’s relatives and Plaintiff’s children listed in this petition, except as the court may find necessary with respect to partial custody and/or visitation with the minor children.
• Order Defendant to temporarily turn over weapons to the sheriff of this county and prohibit Defendant from transferring, acquiring, or possessing any such weapons for the duration of the order.
• Order Defendant to pay temporary support for Plaintiff and/or minor children, including medical support and payment of the rent or mortgage on the residence.
• Direct Defendant to pay Plaintiff for the reasonable financial losses suffered as a result of the abuse, to be determined at hearing.
• Order Defendant to pay the costs of this action, including filing and service fees.
• Order Defendant to pay Plaintiff’s reasonable attorney’s fees.
• Grant such relief as the court deems appropriate.
• Order the police or other law enforcement agency to serve Defendant with a copy of this petition, any order issued and the order for hearing. The petitioner will inform the designated authority of any addresses, other than the Defendant’s residence, where Defendant can be served.

So, my pro bono attorney meets with the other side to try to get the lay of the land and see what he can make happen. When he returns after a lengthy discussion, he informs me that the other side is willing to accept the petition with one exception – that the children be excluded from the restraint.

When I explain to him that the greater portion of my fear is that the children could ultimately be harmed by her increasingly escalating behaviors, the attorney explains that I have a solid case on the firearms issue. She will be found guilty and the court would very likely impose all of that which I have asked for, except the temporary custody of the children. I allow myself to be talked into it. We avoid the hearing by allowing everything relevant to my own protection to proceed, most importantly, her immediate turning-over of the firearms to the Sheriff’s department. And again, I get another lesson in the mother-favoritism in family court.

Another hindsight lesson for anyone in a similar spot is here. While I will always suggest that you default to listening to the attorney’s advice, I will now suggest that you follow your gut… follow your instincts… do a risk/reward analysis. I believe I made a mistake in listening to this attorney’s advice as I had nothing to lose by going to a hearing. In that situation, where there is truly no downside to proceeding – PROCEED and see if you can get all of the relief you’ve asked for. I wasn’t going to jail. I wasn’t going to be sanctioned. I had the complete upper-hand. And I gave away a potentially strong opportunity to gain primary, if not sole, custody of the children because of PEW’s criminal behavior. I let the “expert” talk me into this because of the mantra “always listen to your attorney.” Well, folks… I’m hear to tell you that attorneys can be wrong. Attorneys make mistakes. Attorneys can give bad advice. Assess each situation on its own merits and if your instincts are telling you to follow through with the hearing and there is literally no downside to trying to push through and get what you asked for – JUST DO IT!

I thought that between winning the hearing over the schooling issue followed so closely by these events and subsequent restraining order being accepted by her without a fight/defense, I had a couple of major tools needed to protect myself and gain primary custody of the children. I would be able to protect them from her madness. My confidence level was quite high.

Still, following the advice of the pro bono attorney and not following through on the hearing, even though I still get the PFA, was probably another of several big blunders on my part. My high confidence level would soon be shattered as we go through the custody evaluation and panic begins to take hold.

The restraining order was entered for a duration of 18-months. I received exclusive possession of the marital home (though she wasn’t required to make any contributions to the mortgage or upkeep, which pretty much was the same as when we were married). She was required to turn over the stolen firearms to the Sheriff’s office.

In an early example of PEW’s penchant for willful disregard of court orders, I received a call from her 2-weeks after this hearing. She explained to me that her neighbors told her that a couple of Sheriff’s officers were looking for her at her place earlier in the day and if I had anything to do with it. I told her that I did not.

It turns out, she hadn’t turned over the firearms to the Sheriff’s department and a bench warrant was issued for her arrest. In keeping with her ability to get out of certain trouble – she turned over the firearms shortly thereafter. Still, she had to go before the court and explain the delay in compliance. I wasn’t there for it, but I’m sure she turned on the crying faucet, made some lame excuse, and was not sanctioned for her willful disobedience of the court’s orders. She is contempt of court, she is already in violation of the PFA by continuing to hold the firearms – and NOTHING is done. No sanctions. No arrest. No penalty whatsoever. 4-years later, I’m no longer surprised when these things happen to me or anyone else.

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The Restraining Order Petition

It’s really hard to describe the feelings that overcome one in the midst of a situation like this break-in. I call it a “break-in” because that’s exactly what it was. I had the locks changed since her move-out and made the mistake of leaving downstairs windows “cracked” when I left for work. So, she ripped-out the screen, opened the window and let herself and the children into the house.

Yes – the children.

This was the first shocker for me and I remained extraordinarily calm given the situation. I couldn’t believe she had done this in front of the children, then ages 5 and 3. I had great neighbors on a wonderful block and the most heartbreaking part of this whole ordeal was the big, bright smiles on the faces of both boys and the excitement in their voices when, during that evening when they were out front playing, they were telling our next-door neighbors, excitedly, “Yeah! Mom and Dad are getting back together and we’re so excited! This is really great!” To keep a solid face I had to work very hard to choke back tears and sadness and do the parental side-stepping that was something akin to telling them, “…oh, we’ll see, there are a lot of things that need to be discussed” …and avoid ripping their hearts out of their chest again. The PEW would take care of that the next day. I still get butterflies and sadness when I think about those couple of days when I remember how the kids were.

The details of the events are best described in my petition for protection from abuse for the dates in question (9/1 & 9/2, 2004):

My wife and I had a hearing on the morning of 9/1/2004. The judge ruled in my favor, which my PEW rather upset.

Upon returning home, I changed my clothes and went to a meeting at work. At approximately 1:45PM, my phone activated and caller ID indicated that the call was coming from my home. I removed myself from the meeting and answered the phone.

The PEW identified herself to me and said, “I just wanted to let you know that I’ve broken into the house and I already check with the police. There isn’t a fucking thing you can do about it, either. I’m moving back in and I am going to make your life a living hell until you have no choice but to sell this house!”

I tried to convince The PEW to leave the home with the children. I told her that I understand that she was entitled to be there, but it didn’t have to happen today. She refused to leave and we ended the conversation.

At that time I called police radio and asked [town’s] police to send a patrol car to the home to see what was going on.

Soon thereafter, I arrived home to discover that no police had been dispatched. As PEW had stolen my firearms that I won from the home approximately 6-months ago and their return was again discussed in the morning, I asked if she had them with her and if I could have them back, at which time she replied menacingly, “Your guns? Yeah, you’ll get them back all right – you better be careful what you ask for!”

I understood that to be a threat. I again called the police and urged them to send someone over right away as I was on the premises, as was my wife and my children and that things were escalating. I believe I said that I “strongly advised” them to come to the home.

Within minutes the police arrived and spoke to us separately. They advised me that PEW was adamant about staying and that neither they nor I could force her to leave.

Later in that evening, around 10:00 PM, PEW and I had a relatively civil discussion about what transpired and of our general circumstances. PEW expressed her frustration with the situation, her living arrangements, her mounting legal bills. Of particularly serious concern to me, PEW stated specifically that she is having trouble dealing with all of this and she, “felt like ending it all” which I took as a clear reference to suicide. Furthermore, during our portion of the discussion regarding our custody issues, she said to me, “If I lose my children, I don’t know what I’d do, probably kill myself.”

This erratic behavior has me concerned for my children’s welfare, my own welfare, and even her welfare.

On Thursday, 9/2/2004, I had to run some errands in the morning. One of my stops included the police station, where I filed a report with Officer So-And-So. I informed him of my discussion and PEW’s suicide references. I further expressed to him my fear that PEW may try to hurt herself and then try to accuse me of doing it or attempt to provoke a physical confrontation. After he took my report, I headed home.

I arrived home at approximately 11:00 AM. once there, I sat down with PEW to discuss the drop-off and pick-up of S1 for school. I made a call to the after-care program to adjust my registration from full-week to drop-in.

PEW informed me that she was taking the boys to her apartment to pick-up their hermit-crabs and some other things. She returned approximately 90-minutes later without anything from the apartment. It was approximately 2:00 PM. I awakened from a nap and informed PEW of my intentions to go into work.

PEW asked me to wait, let the boys out into the yard, and she went into the bathroom. Upon exiting the bathroom, she informed me that she was moving back out. I was shocked because the boys were already very confused by the previous days’ events. They were telling our neighbors that, “…mommy and daddy were getting back together.” Now, she was telling them that they were not moving back in.

I expressed extreme displeasure at this revelation and thought this behavior could have extreme negative effects on the children. It was then that PEW charged at me and started yelling at me and she raised her hands as if she was going to strike me. Given my suspicions that she would try to engage me in a physical confrontation, I backed away from her, telling her, “Be careful! This could cost you your kids!”

She continued to yell at me, approaching me again with a raised hand. I moved towards the steps that lead to the front door. I demanded the house key and PEW refused. I told her I was going to take the van keys. I didn’t threaten PEW at any time. However, she called the police.

By this time, I had exited the marital residence and went to my vehicle which was parked across the street. The boys were in the house now, upstairs and looking out the open front window at me. PEW came storming out front and went berzerk in the driveway. In an effort to get the attention of the neighbors, PEW began shouting at the top of her lungs, all within view and hearing of the children, “DO YOU PEOPLE KNOW WHAT KIND OF NEIGHBOR YOU HAVE?!?! HE’S AN ABUSER, A FUCKING-ASSHOLE (repeatedly), A HOMOSEXUAL, AND REAL MAN WOULD HAVE LEFT THE HOUSE AND ALLOWED THE WOMAN TO STAY!!!” The language was filthy, vile, full of expletives – and S1 was clearly unnerved by what he was witnessing. When she had completed her tirade, she threw the house key in the grass. The police then arrived, including Officer So-And-So with whom I filed the report earlier in the day. Soon after a talking to by the police, PEW left with the boys.

In my estimation, this erratic behavior pattern is becoming increasingly more aggressive and is demonstrating that PEW has little regard for the welfare of the children. I am concerned for the safety of the children, my own safety, and even PEW’s safety from herself.

It is also important to note that after telling me the prior evening that she fired her attorney – during the confrontation on 9/2/2004, PEW told me that she did not fire her attorney and that the attorney had advised PEW to re-enter the home, causing all of this upset and strife for the children and me, but for what end I don’t know. I find PEW’s behavior threatening and detrimental to the children most especially.

The entire situation was surreal, there is no other way to explain it. At least I had the sense enough to file a report with the police and accurately predicted what her intentions were.

Worthy of note:

– Despite explaining to the police that she made a gun threat, they didn’t arrest her, because she apparently didn’t have the guns on her actual person. I’m absolutely certain that if the roles were reversed, I would have been arrested.

– Despite explaining that she had attempted to attack me and even despite the police witnessing some of her screaming and foul mouth, she was not arrested. I’m absolutely certain that if the roles were reversed, I would have been arrested.

Frankly, I think I was lucky that I wasn’t arrested.

At least I took the necessary steps, short of moving out, to maximizing self-protection and it appeared to have worked.

To this day, I’m astounded that his major incident was never considered by any custody evaluator as relevant to determining her stability or her ability to parent the children effectively… but this would be one of many harsh lessons I would learn over the course of the coming months and years.

Separately, learn about the abuse of restraining orders: Without Restraint – The Use and Abuse of Restraining Orders. You can also do a simple google search for “restraining order abuse” and find alarming information.

I count myself lucky that I was actually able to get one, for what little good it did me, given the circumstances. What is quite ironic was that reality is, women use them overwhelmingly as a weapon in a divorce and custody situation. Custody Evaluator 1 will dismiss my offering of same as “lawyer posturing to get an upper-hand in the custody situation” despite PEW’s acceptance of guilt to avoid a hearing. Have I mentioned that if the roles were reversed what my expectations would be?

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The Psycho Ex-Wife Breaks Into the Marital Home

On September 2, 2004 and the following days – a series of major events took place. These events gave me a tremendously high and false sense of positivity that would never come to fruition. Worse than that, the lack of consideration that these events, and many others, would garner would accelerate my education in the divorce and family court system. It was still the same-old, same-old. It actually may even be worse than it was 20- or 30-years ago for men and fathers in this country. It’s exacerbated by the proliferation or better understanding of personality disorders and how they drive family court litigation. I’m certain that this is the perfect storm that is my situation.

This is going to take a while to explain, so I offer you what I called then the “Cliff’s Notes” version (or not) that I sent a friend who was concerned about not hearing from me for a few days. This is effectively as-written back in September 2004. More details will be forthcoming…

Cliff’s notes version: (Note: she stole my guns 6 months ago and hasn’t returned them – cops: “There is nothing we can do.”)

– The first of several court cases went down on Wednesday morning. We were at an impasse over where the kids were going to school. She sued me to have them go to Catholic School. The judge ruled in my favor. She was none too happy.

– Hours later, I’m in an important meeting regarding a new start-up we’re doing in [another country]. My cellphone buzzes and I look at the display… it’s a phone call… from my HOUSE. I remove myself to a private conference room and answer. It’s my wife. She announces she broke into the house and that she is moving back in. Claims to have fired her attorney, broke her apartment lease and that’s that. Unable to talk her out of leaving: Discussion, cops, discussion… nothing the cops nor I can do to get her out since she’s on the deed (no settlement yet). I’m stuck.

So, I resign myself to the fact that, for at least the short term, we’ll have to go back to living together and try to do it amicably. I start the wheels in motion to take action against her. The sorriest thing is that my kids think that we’re “getting back together.”

– Thursday… after making arrangements with my attorney. I go to the police station and describe a conversation that my wife and I had the night before where twice she made references to “wanting to end it all” and “if I lose these kids, I dunno what I’ll do, probably kill myself.” I tell them that I fear for her, my boys, and myself and that I suspect that she COULD even injure herself and try to make it look like I assaulted her. They take the report, I go home.

– We discuss the logistics of S1 getting off to school next week. I make some calls to adjust planned arrangements for after-school care… which should no longer be necessary. She runs errands with the boys telling me that she is going back to her apartment to get the hermit crabs for the boys and some other things. I take a nap, as you can imagine, it’s been a long night.

– Upon her return, I tell her that I am going into the office and she tells me to wait… she wants to talk about something. She sends the kids in the yard… and she announces she is moving back OUT. I get really upset. I tell her that this charade is going to wreck these boys. She feigns an attack at me, in my estimation, to try to get me to put my hands on her… I retreat to my car across the street and she comes out in the driveway and at the top of her lungs (in an effort to try to get the attention of neighbors) goes into this disgraceful, expletive-laced tirade screaming to them, “DO YOU KNOW WHAT KIND OF NEIGHBOR YOU HAVE?!?!? >>>” and she’s off to the races. In the meantime, the children are in the front window witnessing all of this. I just lean against my car waiting for the cops again… (there is still nothing that they can do). During our exchange… she informed me that she didn’t break her lease and she did all of this on the advice of her attorney.

She ultimately leaves with my kids again and right now… all is quiet on the home front. I get the boys back tonight thru Tuesday morning. I got a lot of undoing of damage to try to do. I missed pretty important days at work, but by the grace of God, my boss, the CEO has been extremely understanding and flexible. I only just got back from the courthouse… I decided I can’t be “nice” anymore. I filed for a protection from abuse order this morning. If the judge accepts it, hearing Wednesday (S1’s first day of school)… and given the nature of her work, if it sticks… it will very likely cost her her job.

Against the advice of my attorney, I DIDN’T file one yesterday for fear it would “push her over the edge.” Unfortunately, after the events of yesterday afternoon… I truly am left with no choice. I can only hope that there is are some guardian angels out there watching over my boys. Part of the PFA includes the children and requests full custody of the children on a temporary basis until the custody evaluation that we’re going through plays itself out.

I think she may have scuttled any shot she had at winning that case now, too.

That’s the Cliff’s Notes version… if I filled in all the details, I think even your head would explode.

That gives you all an idea of what happened and what was going to happen relative to the break-in. DW previously posted my email to her regarding my fears and some information about the break-in.

The Restraining Order Petition

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PG-13: Parents Strongly Cautioned!

As the madness began to escalate in the summer of 2004, I made an issue out of a movie that PEW took the children to see. The movie was Spiderman 2. I probably wouldn’t have given it a second-thought until S1, then only 5-years old, told me about how scary the movie was and also showed me the “sexy kissing” he saw in the movie. When I asked him to show me what he meant, without a partner, he did a darn good demonstration of what a french-kiss looks like. Well, if a Saint Bernard was delivering one. It wasn’t quite like the tutorial brought to you by Wiki-How on french kissing.

In any event, I hadn’t realized that the movie was rated PG-13 by the Motion Picture Association of America. While I realize that I am more than likely in the distinct minority when it comes the types of movies that parents allow their young children to see, I don’t think it’s appropriate for children aged 5 and 3 to attend a PG-13 rated movie. From the MPAA:

A PG-13 rating is a sterner warning by the Rating Board to parents to determine whether their children under age 13 should view the motion picture, as some material might not be suited for them. A PG-13 motion picture may go beyond the PG rating in theme, violence, nudity, sensuality, language, adult activities or other elements, but does not reach the restricted R category. The theme of the motion picture by itself will not result in a rating greater than PG-13, although depictions of activities related to a mature theme may result in a restricted rating for the motion picture. Any drug use will initially require at least a PG-13 rating. More than brief nudity will require at least a PG-13 rating, but such nudity in a PG-13 rated motion picture generally will not be sexually oriented. There may be depictions of violence in a PG-13 movie, but generally not both realistic and extreme or persistent violence. A motion picture’s single use of one of the harsher sexually-derived words, though only as an expletive, initially requires at least a PG-13 rating. More than one such expletive requires an R rating, as must even one of those words used in a sexual context. The Rating Board nevertheless may rate such a motion picture PG-13 if, based on a special vote by a two-thirds majority, the Raters feel that most American parents would believe that a PG-13 rating is appropriate because of the context or manner in which the words are used or because the use of those words in the motion picture is inconspicuous.

This is not children’s fodder, no matter what you see when you cruise through the movie theatres and the stuff that parents will actually take their children to see. In any event, I asked her in the aftermath of the kissing demonstration by S1 to cease and desist.

PEW,

So… S1 is telling me about a movie he and S2 saw with Mommy. And he tells me how he watched Spider Man. I’m thinking the cartoon or something, but then he tells me that he “knows how grown-ups kiss.”

I ask him to show me. And (without a partner) – he does a pretty decent job of re-enacting a french kiss.

PEW… that movie is PG-13. PG-13 movies were pretty much “R” movies back in the days before PG-13 was made to get more kids in the theatre. In any event, a PG-13 movie is “inappropriate for children under 13.” Just because they are accompanied by an adult, doesn’t mean that they are suddenly appropriate. I would greatly appreciate it if, in the future, you don’t take him and/or S2 to see a movie that is rated higher than PG. Even PG movies can have strong language.

Spiderman 2 was not an appropriate movie for the boys to go see. The level of violence and the adult situations in that movie are inappropriate for the boys. Use your head.

~LM

This early attempt at keeping things calm, cool, and collected was scuttled by my closing sentence. However, knowing PEW as we do, it really probably didn’t matter in the grand scheme of things. It wasn’t a genuine concern. It was a criticism. It was calling into question her parenting. Therefore, it was an “ATTACK!” The barrage of replies is quickly underway.

LM,

Well, I won’t be taking them to any more PG13 movies. But there was no french kissing in the movie, so maybe he saw that when you were watching your soap opera. Give me a break LM. Stop trying to find shit to bolster your custody case. You make me sick.

~PEW

Liar. That wasn’t even really the issue. It was the level of violence that had me most concerned. Hell, the movie trailers were violent enough. Of course, this wouldn’t be my only attempt to curtail inappropriate viewing entertainment as we saw with the whole WWE debacle earlier in 2008.

PEW,

a) He doesn’t watch soap operas.

b) What he did was mimic a french kiss and tell me that you tried to cover his eyes.

c) The level of violence in that movie is the bigger problem with me.

Get a clue. All I asked is that you not take them to see anymore PG13 movies. Thank you for acknowledging that and agreeing not to take them to anymore of those movies.

Have a great weekend.

~LM

LM,

Please leave me alone. I am seriously trying to do my best. I have a tough job, rough hours, I take care of our kids FULL TIME. I was trying to be amicable with you but I am seriously doubting that you know the meaning of the word. Unless it is urgent and regarding safety, please address your concerns to [my attorney]. That is what I am paying her for.

I also took the kids to the [boat museum]. Should I have cleared that through you? How bout the hair cuts? I also bought S1 a new pair of sneakers. I took them [on vacation] this summer. To see Shrek II. We went to the Zoo. [We went to parks], swimming…..the list goes on and on. What have you done? Oh yeah, you’ve been on lock down at MY HOUSE all summer watching television. Living in my house, where I should be with MY kids.

You are a loser. LOSER. LOSER LOSER!

You’re welcome……asshole. now hurry up and print this out so you can take it to court with you. Along with the past 5 years worth of “alleged” emails you have. Some husband you are.

~PEW

Pooooooooooooor PEW.

– Tough job, rough hours. That’s the schedule she chose in order to put herself into position to leverage her alleged story that she was home full-time during the week to “care” for her kids. CHECK!

– The FULL TIME card is pulled. CHECK! (Nevermind pre-K, daycare, etc.)

– The “I’m trying to be amicable” delusion. CHECK!

– “MY” house. That house she rarely contributed financially to, unless you count amassing debt. The house she walked out of voluntarily. CHECK!

– “MY” kids. The kid-owner language of a vindictive ex. CHECK!

– Insulting, name-calling amicable language. CHECK!

Touch’em all, girl – you hit the Grand Slam!

And so ended the month of July in 2004. Who needs fireworks in July when you have a high-conflict soon-to-be ex-wife?

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Parallel Parenting – How It Evolves & Implementation

Research on families of divorce suggest that there are primarily three styles of parenting for families after a divorce: cooperative, conflicted, or disengaged. Cooperative parenting (co-parenting) is the style used by families in which conflict is low and parents effectively communicate about their child. It is generally regarded as the most healthy outcome for the children and the parents. There is generally agreement on most parenting values, consistency in parenting styles, and debates/conflicts about the child(ren)’s lives are few.

In the aftermath of a divorce involving children, the parenting plan tends to move in the direction of co-parenting by default. The courts and all those who are a part of the divorce & custody machine love to see co-parenting and use that language often.

Unfortunately, the reason that families are in court in the first place is not because of their focus on cooperation and their ability to do so. Many a disagreement, even in intact households, have been about parenting styles. On parent doesn’t like the way the other handles a certain situation or situations. Personally, I’d like to see the language “parallel parenting” hit the mainstream due to this reality. Why do these conflicts continue during parenting in the aftermath of divorce?

1. Continuation of hostility that began during the marriage
2. Differing perceptions of pre-separation child-rearing roles
3. Differing perceptions of post-separation child-rearing roles
4. Differing perceptions of how to parent
5. Concern about the adequacy of the other parent’s parenting ability
6. An unwillingness of one or both parents to accept the end of the relationship
7. Jealousy about a new partner in the other parent’s life
8. Contested child custody issues
9. Personality issues/factors in one or both parents that stimulate/escalate conflict

Whatever the reasons, the parents’ inability to separate their parental roles from prior conflict in the marriage is usually the most significant contributing factor post-divorce. This conflict is perhaps the most important variable in determining how your child adjusts to your divorce. Even if one parent does whatever it takes to reduce the amount of conflict in the aftermath of divorce – the benefits to the child are significant.

The first step towards minimizing the conflict post-divorce is learning to disengage from the other parent. Disengagement is one of the possible styles of parenting after divorce. If you disengage, you create a no-conflict zone around the children and have limited contact with the other parent. With disengagement, you avoid contact with the other parent so that conflict cannot develop. Disengagement is a necessary first-step to reduce the conflict before you can move on to the next style of parenting… parallel parenting.

There are significant differences between co-parenting and parallel parenting. Simply put: Cooperative Parenting vs. Independent Parenting. It’s really that simple and that difficult all at the same time. The name is derived from a similar concept in children’s play. Research psychologists have observed that young children who play together, but do not have the skills to interact cooperatively, engage in a process of parallel play. If they are in a sandbox together or taking turns going down a slide, they play next to one another, not with one another. Each child is doing her own thing with the toys, and generally ignoring the other. When they get older, they will learn to interact cooperatively and play together.

Co-Parenting VERSUS Parallel Parenting

1. Child Focused /// Adult Focused.
2. Parents communicate regularly /// Parents communicate only during emergencies or matters of an urgent nature relating to the children.
3. Parents can communicate in person/via phone /// Parents communicate in writing (email, text, etc) or via a third-party (NOT the children).
4. Major decisions are jointly discussed /// Major decisions are communicated rather than discussed (unless prohibited by a court order).
5. Parents work together as needed to resolve issues related to the child /// Households resolve day-to-day issues independently of one another. Each parent makes decisions about the child when s/he is in their household.
6. Parents work together with the best interests of the child in mind /// Parents work separately with the best interests of the child in mind (as they perceive them).
7. Smooth transitions from one home to the other /// Transitions may involve substantial change for the child(ren) and exchanges may be done at a neutral location.
8. Schedule is flexible and changes are negotiable /// Schedule is inflexible, few/no changes are made, a court-order typically dictates the exact schedule and deviations are rare. Parents need third-party direction.
9. Parents can discuss issues between child(ren) and the other parent, cooperative discipline, extracurriculars scheduling, etc. /// Parents individually responsible for own relationship with the child and direct any issues between child and other parent back to them. Nothing is planned or discussed that would impact on the other’s parenting time.

Under such an agreement, the parents establish two separate and distinct households. Each parent is responsible for providing for the children their own sets of clothes, copies of important documentation (birth certificates, doctor & dental reports, immunization records, social security cards, insurance cards, etc.), shoes, hats, coats, school supplies… you get the picture! Contact should in written form and limited to short, factual information. (See my low-contact article for tips). Whenever possible, the transition should be made as third-party. A time frame in established, for example, father will drop child(ren) off at school in the morning and mother will retrieve the child from school at the end of the day. In this type of arrangement, there is a time buffer and that allows for a safe, healthy, no-conflict transition.

Where very young children are involved, it is important to share all aspects of your child’s functions with the daycare provider when you do the drop-off. Using the same philosophy, it is of paramount importance for parents to share detailed information with each other upon the exchange of the child. A useful tool is a “parent communication notebook.” In this notebook you will write down the highlights of your child’s emotions, behaviors, important health information, important school information, etc. during the time the child(ren) are with you. Complete the notebook in detail and pass it along to the other parent at the time of transition. I strongly recommend that you create the pages electronically. It is not uncommon for these communications to remain “one-way” and you don’t want your hard work to vanish into thin air without a back-up. Don’t let the other parent’s lack of cooperation with the notebook stop you from continuing to perform this vitally important function. This notebook should stay with your child so each parent can use it as a forum for preserving thoughts about your child and their needs. Always remember the focus is on the children. You should include no opinions about the other parent and conversely, ignore any “editorial” comments that are made by the other parent.

It is my experience and the experiences of many folks whose stories I have read that a person suffering from or suspected of having borderline personality disorder will challenge any boundary established by their target(s). The efforts you undertake in moving towards a parallel parenting plan and establishing boundaries and low-contact methods – eliminates much of the frustration that exists as you struggle to parent/step-parent with a high-conflict ex-spouse (BPD or otherwise). A firm, documented set of rules provides the structure by which you can minimize the conflict in the aftermath of a divorce with a difficult personality. It will not eliminate the issues, but will dramatically reduce them when you become disciplined enough to maintain them. Remember, you cannot control the other person – only how you react to them. It takes practice and you WILL be challenged.

Ten Tips for Successful Parallel Parenting

1. Maintain an attitude for non-interference with your child’s other parent. Neither parent has influence or say over the actions of the other parent.
2. Carry on a business-like attitude; use common courtesy.
3. Do not plan activities for the children during the other parent’s time. It may be better for a child to miss an event than to witness conflict.
4. Stay focused on the present.
5. Stay oriented to the task at hand.
6. Keep your children’s best interests in mind.
7. Remember the goal is to keep conflict to a minimum.
8. Follow up in writing all agreements and discussions regarding the children, and do so succinctly!
9. When communication and/or negotiation is necessary, use a neutral third party to assist you.
10. Keep an open mind.

Even under the best of circumstances (whatever that means), parenting is challenging. Adding on factors related to divorce makes parenting even more challenging. Although it is useful for parenting plans in divorce agreements to be comprehensive and specific, it is virtually impossible for every detail to be addressed in a document. But that’s actually a good thing. Why? Because children benefit as their divorced parents develop the ability to manage the details of parenting without conflict.

Do you really want to go to court and have a judge make decisions about your child? You know and love your child. So does your child’s other parent. If the two of you have nothing else in common, you will always have your child in common. You may need help to develop practical, efficient techniques to communicate and make decisions, manage scheduling, set boundaries and clarify expectations.

Resources for information about parenting styles and sources for some of the content of this article include:

Parellel Parenting – A Form of Joint Custody

What is this about Parallel Parenting?

Cooperative or Parallel Parenting

Is Parallel Parenting Back?

Coparenting Summary

Parenting Coordination – Implementation Issues

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Home Foreclosure

I finally got the follow-up information via email yesterday morning. Care to guess as to whether or not she accepts responsibility for her predicament? Care to guess whether or not she blames herself and her actions? Care to guess if she expresses concerns for the children or makes overtures about pursuing me for more money?

LM,

Here is what I was talking about last night. I got a forclosure notice. I knew it would happen eventually because of all of the thousands and thousands I spent on custody, which ultimately I had to take out a 2nd mortgage to pay the attorney. Obviously I’m a little distraught which is why I was reaching out to you.

I realize you really don’t care, however it brings me to another subject. Are you planning on remaining up here in [work state] for next school year? I don’t really need anymore suprises, you know? I’m also thinking in October we should revisit the support, I did put $2400 back in your pocket this year and I really don’t know why I did that. I need to do whatever I can to keep the house and keep the boys in their school where they are very happy.

So that’s it, I realize you’re not going to help me, but please understand why I feel I need to re-file for support in October. $200 a month will help.

By the way, did you make a dentist appt?

~PEW

The variety and level of emotions I feel right now on this issue have me almost dizzy. I’m pissed. I’m disappointed. I’m sad. I’m frustrated. All of them and more… for a variety of reasons.

Family Court System Rant

Notice that the first order of business for her is to come after the father for more money. More money that she feels entitled to and due to the fact that her irresponsible spending and budgeting (or lack thereof), for which she is notorious, needs to become my problem even though we’re long divorced.

The system will entertain that effort and I will have to defend against it, mostly because we’re digging out of our own hole and we are on a razor-thin budget, primarily due to all of the prior years’ litigation, combined with my 2007 unemployment, followed by the need to maintain 2 households in 2 states just so that I could have a job, but most importantly, shared custody of the children.

Any adjustment in child support upward jeopardizes my ability to maintain the place in my work state, which in turn jeopardizes my ability to keep my job in my work state, which in turn jeopardizes my ability to make sure we don’t end up losing our home in the primary home state, which in turn jeopardizes my ability to maintain shared custody of the boys.

None of that will have the slightest impact on her, even if I were to choose to point out these stark realities to her. She’ll take everyone down with her, including the children, because she feels that is what she’s owed.

Why I have to pay child support at all given that we both make good wages is inexcusable and a testament to the greed of the state. We (under normal circumstances, obviously) both make a good enough wage to support these children 50% of the time on our own. In fact, it’s good enough to support these two children 100% of the time on our own and yet… simply because I make more than she does, I have to PAY! Go on, tell me it’s about the needs and best interests of the children and not a simple transfer of wealth so that the state’s can benefit from their federal incentives.

PEW Rant

– She is in the predicament she is in because she can’t control her spending. $200/month additional will not help. It probably won’t even prolong the inevitable.

– She is in the predicament she is in because she chose to litigate custody and the property settlement. I need not remind the regular readers that had she accepted the “best offer” I could manage in 2004, she would have probably close to 6-figures worth of total retirement investment and would not have spent high 5-figures (perhaps low 6-figures) in legal expenses to end up with little more than my best offer (in settlement) and the shared custody that I had sought originally, and now have after exhausting more than our available resources to come to that very same conclusion.

– She is in that position because she takes vacations, gets her hair and nails done, purchased all new furniture… ALL new furniture when she moved out and did so on credit expecting the windfall her attorney promised and never delivered to pay for it.

– She is in that position because she buys these kids something, anything, every single time they go out somewhere… food shopping, clothes shopping, errand running, whatever – they come home with a toy or more than one toy or some other inconsequential knick-knack, because that’s what she does – buys their love and adoration.

– She is in that position because she added the additional expenses and responsibility of a dog, birds, hermit crabs, lizards, and countless other poor, unfortunate creatures over the last 4-years.

– She is in that position because she needs a new car every couple of years… her latest, a lease with ridiculously low mileage allowance that will probably cost her money when it’s time to turn it in, which is soon. And has cost her every year for going over the mileage allocation, of course that was our fault too.

– She can’t even begin to consider the negative implications of another move on the children. Worse, my reasons for wanting to keep the children in the marital household were summarily dismissed as inconsequential and yet… she is using the exact some reasoning to justify what appears to be future litigation… “I need to do whatever I can to keep those kids in the school where they are very happy.” Interesting how their happiness with school, friends, neighbors, family, and home made no difference to her back in 2004/2005. Her efforts also include allowing her sick, unstable, alcoholic sister to move back in with her. This will be her/their FOURTH home involving mom since 2004. (We have maintained our home in our home state and as previously explained, have an additional place I needed to get in order to have a job.)

– She’s squandered more than $40,000 worth of tax-free child support on top of making a wage that is well-above the national average salary in the United States… and now whatever else she is collecting from psycho-sil as rent.

– She had no business buying that house in the first place. Given that her credit is probably tanked given that things have gotten to this point in the first place, I can’t even begin to guess where she is going to move with the children when the ax falls.

– She claims to have given me back $2,400 this year, conveniently wiping from her memory; the fraudulent theft of funds by inflating the amount of childcare expenses she had over the course of 2-years before finally being found in contempt… me forgiving credits due me to the tune of about $5,000 total in 2005 and 2006 to avoid litigation that would have probably cost me the amount I was trying to get back… caving-in on the property settlement instead of fighting for my “pre-marital equity” off of the top to the tune of $24,000. She thinks that because we settled on $400/month in CS (despite her very good earnings) with 50/50 custody she gave me something back. Fact is, we arrived at that figure because I was prepared to go to a hearing for a “special exception” which had already been previously granted to me. Had I pushed for it, CS would have been approximately $100/month. However, had it not been granted, it would have been approximately $600/month. I could put on my “PEW Cap” and tell her that I’ve actually given her $3,600 more than she was legally entitled to this year.

(From the mind of DW: Besides all the things LM has said, what amazes me still is that she reasonably believes the he SHOULD and WOULD help her, if only I weren’t in the picture.

She lives in a dream world where a man she left, took all his money, took his kids, made him sell the house, called the cops on him, told people he is an alcoholic, gay, wife abuser, filed false child abuse charges against, would just up and pay all of her bills. Forever. Just because. If any judge in the world cannot see that she is psycho, they should be thrown off the bench.

Here she is, years into it, and she “knew” she would be foreclosed on at some point, and she has done NOTHING to stop it. She was on vacation for 10 days last week – we haven’t had a vacation in 3-years. She has her nails done weekly, hair done monthly, while I have literally never had my nails done, and have had 1 professional hair cut in the last 4-years. Ah yes, but the fact that we (LM) fought for custody, that is the reason she is in debt, because she didn’t want her children to ever see their father. For that, we should pay her bills, and of course I’m the only one standing in her way. Fucking psycho.)

What to do… What to do?

– File for primary custody to settle down this “annual move tradition” that PEW has established? The neighboring school district, the one in which I live, is outstanding and the brand new elementary school is about 1-mile from the “work-state home.” My gut tells me that I could try that but it is still a long shot, being a father and all. Filing now crossed my mind except that it would be unlikely to be settled in time for the school year.

– Prepare now to justify keeping the CS level where it is… because of the potential consequences of any modification upward? DEFINITELY. Of course, I will again argue for the deviation due to special circumstances and maybe get that downward modification.

The financial and personal sacrifices we’ve made (that is… DW and I) just to get to 50/50 are substantial. It really wrankles my ass that she has made essentially NONE and continues to provide for the boys a life of upheaval, choas, and disarray – and there is very likely nothing I can do to change it.

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I Ain’t Donald Trump

We continued on this endless dance of figuring out what type of settlement was going to happen. It would never happen. I explain my position regarding how and why settlements with a borderline personality disordered person will never happen in a previous post: “The Greatest Custody Order/Agreement Clause.” Of course, I wouldn’t learn that pearl of wisdom until a year or more later.

It’s March 25th, 2004, and this go’round is insightful as to her frame of mind on a number of things… a potential settlement… what she’s entitled to… fearing for her safety while voluntarily continuing to live in the same house with me while house-shopping…

One thing was abundantly clear, though – I ain’t Donald Trump!

PEW: i don’t understand why you can’t tell me what your proposal is?
LM: It’s not my job. Sorry. There hasn’t been a conversation relevant to our situation that has gone well. So, it’s best if we speak to our attorneys about the situation as appropriate, and leave it at that.
PEW: well if you knew it was good, i would think you’d have told me, so I have a feeling i’m probably not going to like it. it’s ok though. i’ll wait if that’s the way you want to do it
LM: It’s the right way to do it. And know this… Whatever the settlement ends up being… it will be what we are allegedly “entitled to.” Whether you like it, I like it, or not. That’s the reality.
PEW: oh? why would I have a problem with that
LM: Nobody ever ends up “liking” it. So, what’s the point? We sell… that’ll suck. I keep it… you won’t like it. You keep it… I won’t like it. Nothing about this will be “liked.”
PEW: i don’t really care if you keep it……as long as I get the equity i’m entitled to
LM: Super.
PEW: which is at least $30k you keep saying i’m the one that is holding things up….but in reality if you just told me what you were offering I could tell you right now whether i’m going to accept it or not

Here’s what PEW didn’t realize at the time and, due to my caving-in, ultimately wouldn’t matter. She wasn’t aware of something called a “depreciating interest” in a pre-marital asset. In this case, it was the real-estate. More specifically, it was the down payment on the house that she was now leveraging as settlement in the divorce.

The prior home I owned fully 5-1/2 years before we were married. According to the rules in my jurisdiction, once you’re married, you are engaged in what is called a “depreciating interest” in the asset (real estate) at a rate of 5% per year. This means that from the date of marriage, I lose 5% of the value of the asset to joint-marital asset status per year. The Cliff’s Notes version of this explanation is as follows:

Downpayment on the house: $40,000 (at 100%).

Marriage Length at the time of filing: 8-years.

Depreciated interest for me: 8-years x 5% per year = 40%.

Therefore, according to the law, 60% of that downpayment on the house in question is considered a “premarital asset” and comes right off the top when calculating the settlement in a joint-property state. That figure = $24,000, which I would try to use as a factor in calculating what she was truly “entitled to.”

LM: So? If you weren’t living in the same house with me, I’d probably tell you. But at this point, all that would do is give you an excuse to crank on me, and I don’t need that. Talk to your attorney. There is nothing I can do for you.
PEW: fine….i’ll wait to hear
LM: Plus, with all of the bullshit in that ridiculous accusation you filed with your attorney to justify taking the guns, and all of the other bullshit you pull… why you think I would “help” you escapes me.
PEW: “pull”? you’re not helping me
LM: But… like I said… If you want to play hardball… We can play hardball.
PEW: i don’t
LM: You use your attorney. I’ll use mine.
PEW: what makes you think i want to play hardball
LM: Well, taking the guns and telling your attorney that I’ve been violent is playing hardball. I haven’t done a thing to you.
PEW: i said you were violent in the past

Yes, I owned firearms. Yes, I didn’t take them off-site when she filed. They were in a secured, locking case, and allegedly on the advice of her attorney – stole them from me. Yes, I was afraid due to her instability.

LM: But hey… if it means your attorney will tell you to take the guns for your own protection… great. Take the guns, but stay in the house. That makes perfect sense.
PEW: well, trust me, I want to be out…..you don’t have to believe that, but it’s true
LM: Sure.
PEW: and you’re keeping me here
LM: You “fear for your safety” You’ll take guns… but stay in the house. What a joke. lol. Really, it makes me laugh.
PEW: i’m glad you can laugh under such circumstances
LM: Yep. I laugh with sadness. Just another piece of logic defying moves on your part. As I said before… Your actions defy your words.

A couple of things defy logic here and yet, she was convinced that her story would pass the “stink test” in court.

– She took the guns and now was parroting her lawyer’s posturing by claiming “fear for her safety.” This is why she justified stealing the firearms. Yet, she filed for divorce official the first week of February. Here we are in late March (she would stay until May 5th) – and she is living in the marital household, albeit in separate rooms. How did she propose that she would convince anyone that she feared for her safety when this was the case? One would think that her attorney would also have advised her to move anywhere! Move anywhere but the marital residence to keep up such appearances.

– Her contention that I was “keeping her” in the marital residence was so bizarre one couldn’t help but laugh! She was free to go anytime she wanted to at least a dozen places while looking for sufficient housing. She didn’t, despite allegedly “fearing for her safety.”

PEW: well if you had just sold the house we’d both be outa here. the kids would be happily adjusting to their new circumstances just like children do every day
LM: Nope. I look at the bigger, long-term picture. And as usual, you look for instant gratification. And selling the house isn’t in the best interest of the children, me, and perhaps even you.
PEW: why is that LM?
LM: But it’s not up to me to explain it all to you, you wouldn’t believe the facts anyway.
PEW: i wish you knew what you were talking about
LM: Oh, but I do.
PEW: it’s sad but I have a feeling that we’re going to court. and i’ll have to spend even more money that I don’t have
LM: We don’t “have to” go to court. You’ll disagree with whatever offer is given. We’ll go to court. And you’ll find out that it’s fair.
PEW: that’s what i said
LM: But you’ll NEED to go that full route only to find out the facts.
PEW: or you’ll find out that it’s not
LM: That’s fine. Half house. Half retirement. An auto. Half contents. It ain’t rocket science. I ain’t Donald Trump. We only got what we got.
PEW: right but what we disagree on is what “half house” is and i’ll go to court to get “half”
LM: We disagreed prior to the appraisal. Now, we have to come up with the appropriate figure based upon the value of the home.
PEW: and who was right? i was right
LM: Which is what we’ll do. Yep… it appraised for more than I expected it to. That’s not news.
PEW: which is $30k conservatively. if you can’t afford that then call a realtor
LM: lol
PEW: because I ain’t taking less

This would be one of many “20/20 hindsight” situations. Had I known with what I was dealing – I never, ever would have put myself through this horrible, repeating headache of negotiating with her. I would have just said, “let’s go to court and let them decide” and rolled the dice. It would prove to be a very costly error over the course of the next 9-months or so as I was trying to handle all household expenses while paying lots of attorney’s fees, and child support + temporary spousal support.

If I could go back and do that all over again… I absolutely would. There is no negotiating with someone suffering from BPD. You either “give up” – or let someone else decide for you.

LM: Okay. So call your attorney… make the offer. And we’ll go from there. Tell her you want it done fast. Here’s what I want. Write it up. Hell, you’re paying her enough.
PEW: no, i’m waiting to hear what you and your lawyer came up with
LM: okay
PEW: i want to know what I ever did to you to deserve this

Yes, I suppose she really needed to ask. Of course, deserve what? I never quite understood that beyond the humongous sense of entitlement. Something akin to, “give me whatever I want because I’ve determined it’s what I deserve” – regardless of reality or law.

LM: Deserve what? You want the divorce… and you’re gonna get it.
PEW: did I not try? did I not go to counseling?
LM: Water under the bridge. It’s over.
PEW: is that right?
LM: What I think doesn’t matter to you anyway, so why ask?
PEW: well i hope you can live with yourself down the road
LM: Me, too.
PEW: knowing that you had to stick it to me
LM: I am sticking it to no one.
PEW: because supposedly “I” wanted the divorce. you want it too LM
LM: You sure did.
PEW: if you didn’t you would have done something other than buy a motorcyle to stop it from happening

CLASSIC B-P-D. Blame, deflect, project, mirror, play victim… it’s always someone else’s fault. There is always another hurdle to get over in order to save things. Always some more payment (in gifts, finances, or emotion) in order to keep the thug at bay.

LM: lol. What a joke. For 8 years you’ve been threatening divorce and walking out. Don’t tell me what I wanted too. This isn’t about a motorcycle. That has nothing to do with it. Those are the things you tell yourself to demonize me.
PEW: well you obviously never took me serious or you would have changed something in 8 years. i’m not demonizing you
LM: Our whole lives has been about what I HAVE to do for you “or else we’re getting a divorce.” Moving. When we moved. How we moved
PEW: i have nothing but nice this to say about you
LM: To where we moved
PEW: that’s a lie
LM: Every move we have ever made has been under threat of divorce. EVERY MOVE
PEW: i never wanted to live in that house anyway
LM: And like a jackass… I just did it.
PEW: we didn’t just up and move. it took 6 years
LM: Yeah… I “forced you” according to you. I know that story.
PEW: you didn’t just do anything
LM: Spare me. If we look there… I’m getting a divorce. If we don’t move now… I’m getting a divorce
PEW: like I always tell you…..you, me, and God know what has really happened in this marriage
LM: If we move further away from my family “I’m getting a divorce.” Every fucking thing PEW. No, I don’t think you do. It goes ALL THE WAY back to “If I don’t get an engagement ring when I want it, I’m leaving!”
PEW: and I don’t think you do. and I should have
LM: Everything, PEW. Everything under threat of relationship.
PEW: if I was a little bit stronger, I would have left
LM: Yeah yeah
PEW: we never should have been together….in the first place, i’m sorry. but we’re both to blame
LM: Right. 50% each. lol
PEW: you should have made me stick to it
LM: Same story, different day. Spare me. You’re getting what you want. And you’ll get it as fast as you allow.
PEW: if you had not persued “fixing” things we would have broken up a long long time ago
LM: Hindsight is 20/20. Now we’re “stuck” with each other forever. lol
PEW: 50% is damn right. not really. i’m not stuck with you….the kids are. i will be free to persue love again once this is all over
LM: Yes. You sure will.
PEW: and i can find someone who really loves me
LM: And I wish you the very best. I really do.
PEW: not someone who uses me for his own ends. and I wish you the best

Uhhhhh… yeah. That’s what *I* did.

LM: lol
PEW: i hope you meet someone. i’ve been wishing that for years. the only thing i have left to do is to apologize to your first wife.
LM: Well, I’m just glad that wish didn’t come true… but it’s only because I’m faithful and devoted. That’s funny, too.
PEW: HAH\
LM: See, you can still make me laugh.
PEW: faitful, devoted……to yourself
LM: Yeah. You have nothing. I know.
PEW: damn right. i have nothing. except the kids
LM: Is this where you go into the “poor PEW” routine?
PEW: nope because i am happy now
LM: Good.
PEW: very happy
LM: Super! Then tell your lawyer to tell me what you want so you can go.
PEW: and you’ll never convince me or anyone who knows me that I’m “Crazy” as you put it to my sister in law
LM: Yeah. That’s how I put it. Your sister-in-law is hysterically funny.
PEW: so concerned about me?
LM: Ask her what she said to me. About how you’re “acting like PP” and… “Do you think that the amount of time she spends with PP has anything to do with how she is acting?” And how… “Except for your brother M……, that whole family is nuts.” And I’m standing there telling her that she’s not being fair. What a joke.
PEW: trust me…..I know, she’s a bitch

Her youngest brother’s wife was an ally, until I tell her what she really said, and then she’s “a bitch.” BPD black-and-white thinking.

LM: Well… I didn’t tell her that I thought you were “CRAZY” But if that’s her interpretation of what I did say… I can’t do anything about that. Remember, your sister told you that I told her that you cornered me and attacked me. And that never happened. So, you keep listening to your flawed sources.
PEW: i take it all with a grain of salt
LM: Obviously not.. Their information was clearly part of the assertions your lawyer made in her justification for instructing you to take the guns. I’m “running all over town telling everyone what medications you take.” Please. And your paranoia about me trying to “rally your family against you”
PEW: why would you talk to J..?
LM: J.. and PP asked me some questions… and I answered them honestly in my opinion.
PEW: why would you talk to PP?
LM: I didn’t “talk” to her. On one occasion each…
PEW: ok LM
LM: They asked me some questions. And I answered them. That’s it.
PEW: it’s not important anymore
LM: But I’m telling you this… You better wise up with the accusations you make to your attorney.
PEW: we’re going to be co-parenting for the next 14 years and that is all that matters
LM: Because I’ll pull out our conversation about the assault your sister laid on S1… and all kinds of stuff to make this as difficult as you appear to be trying to make this.
PEW: what assault?
LM: So, just tell your attorney to tell me what you want, I will see if I can make that happen. When she blasted him across the face leaving a mark.
PEW: leaving a mark?
LM: Just keep in mind…
PEW: i understood that S1 hurt S2 pretty badly
LM: That this will get as difficult as you decide to make it.
PEW: you forget that we had ALOT of trouble when S2 was a baby
LM: So when you go to your attorney and claim “history of violence” I could easily do the same. And even talk about you pushing me on more than one occasion to “see if you’ll hit me”
PEW: i have no history of violance
LM: You… who “fears” allegedly for her safety. Kicking.
PEW: that was a fabrication of yours
LM: Scratching. Pushing. Yes you do.
PEW: lies you lie
LM: Sure… So are yours. Where does that leave us?
PEW: and I am a calm laid back person, you lie
LM: At least I have documented evidence.
PEW: documentation that you fabricated. they’re lies
LM: You keep telling yourself that.

If they were lies, then she was the one lying about it. Most of the documented evidence I have was in her writing! Further, despite her claims to the contrary, she never called the police on me, she never had police reports for domestic violence – because what little DV there was, she initiated and she left marks! My only regret was not calling the police every time (something I subsequently did every time there was a potential or developing incident and would retreat from the house).

PEW: i’m not scared LM. not at all
LM: You don’t have to be “scared”
PEW: i’m a good person
LM: I’m just telling you that if you think that this is a game… you’re mistaken.
PEW: and I have the history to prove it
LM: Sure you do. We’ll see whose holds more water in court. If you want it that way
PEW: well i’m waiting to hear from your lawyer. that’s where we are right now
LM: I just wish you would stop with the petty BS.
PEW: it’s stopped
LM: I don’t have the guns back. It’s not stopped.
PEW: nothing petty about guns. guns are very serious
LM: Yes, they are.
PEW: i don’t want my kids having access to them
LM: They won’t.
PEW: well they did
LM: No they didn’t. And I’ve already made arrangements to get a safe.
PEW: i gotta go, i’m waiting to hear LM what your propsal is
LM: Okay. Have a lovely day.
PEW: thanks

Many times she promised to return the firearms. If a locking case wasn’t good enough, I’d buy a safe. In reality, they were going to go to either my father’s house or my brother’s house because I didn’t want them to be accessible to anyone while this was going on… most especially – PEW.

I would float many proposals, starting at $25,000 + half the equity in the retirements, and her choice on the vehicles. That’s all there was to settle (aside from custody). The home. The retirements. The cars. That’s all there was.

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I Fell Prey to Her Charms & Her Beauty

Great site. I’ve been through an exhausting and terrifying four years myself. Just won sole custody of my son from my second wife, who was formally diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Depression. She is allowed only supervised parenting time. And the court is allowing my son and I to relocate to another state, to escape her and her family’s continual attacks. This after she and her Legal Aid attorney initially manipulated the court into upholding a fraudulent restraining order against me which granted her temporary custody of my son for one year, and control of my home, which she and her family then stripped of all belongings. In all, a resounding victory for our 3 y.o. son. But at a cost of almost $100,000 in legal fees for a trial that lasted over 7 months and consumed over 40 hours of court testimony.

I’m a physician — I should have known better. But I fell prey to her charms and her beauty. And there is a part of me that still cares for her, still loves her, and still wishes she could be “normal”, so that our son could have a healthy mother. Fortunately, she is now on psychotropic medications, and says she is in behavioral management therapy — I hope she means Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. On the other hand, my son tells me that she’s dating a new “victim” — I wish there were a way I could warn him.

My first marriage was to a sane woman, and the two of us ended our marriage amicably, always putting our child’s needs ahead of our own. But my second marriage…

My second wife, the BPD/NPD mother of my son, is a high-functioning, charming, intelligent, slender, tall, long-haired, beautiful woman, and 22 years younger than me. She was able to convince two Ph.D. psychologists that she has no mental illness. But she is a highly-skilled manipulator, and her comfort with deceit is terrifying. She plays the victim effortlessly. My fight was with her, her bipolar/BPD mother, and her true-believer, radical feminist, man-hating, racially-biased Legal Aid attorney. Here are some of the things that she, with the assistance of her mother and attorney, did:

— abducted my son across state lines, twice, once at 6 months of age, a second time when he was 2 y.o.;

— forwarded my personal US mail, including correspondence from my attorney, to her parent’s PO Box, then refused to return my mail;

— stripped my home of over $100,000 in belongings — art work, Persian rugs, etc., going so far as to remove light and shower fixtures;

— hacked into my web-based email accounts;

— intercepted privileged emails between myself and my attorney;

— fabricated threatening emails to her from me, after hacking into my email account;

— submitted fabricated evidence to the court;

— suppressed out-of-state police reports during the restraining order hearing;

— filed false police reports against me;

— filed false reports of child abuse with CPS and the police against me;

— had a girlfriend of hers send a letter to the custody evaluator accusing me of being an ex-felon and running an internet child pornography ring;

— hacked into my (formerly) secure FTP site where I stored all my case notes;

— and the worst: she and her mom programmed my son’s 8-y.o. maternal half-sister into making false allegations that I had sexually abused her, the little girl, by using a recording device to help her practice her sex abuse “story”, a story containing explicit, graphic descriptions of deviant sexual acts.

We were fortunate to have an incredibly insightful and committed jurist as our trier of fact. She found my ex to be not credible, to have made false allegations of abuse against her and the children, and to have committed child abuse by sponsoring her daughter to make false allegations of sex abuse against me. The judge ruled from the bench, and also wrote out detailed findings of fact, providing me hard copy documentation to provide to authorities the next time this unhealthy woman and her family make false allegations against me. We also had a very professional and unbiased custody evaluator.

I’m writing a detailed analysis of my experience, including my view of what seemed to contribute to our success in court. It’s in part a case study of [BPD] across three generations of women — the ex-wife, her mother, and her 8-y.o. daughter, and in part a case study of a successful legal strategy for litigating against an ill-intentioned BPD family and their true-believer attorney.

~SingleHWNDad

SingleHWNDad,

What an incredible, but believable story. I hope that when you complete your analysis, you write a book or publish your findings… and send me a copy!

We hope and pray that you and your son can heal and grow after the experiences. Always remain on guard.

Sincerely,
DW & LM

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Feedback: The Help You Have Given Me

LM,

I was not married to someone with BPD, I was raised by someone with BPD. When I was 21 she was finally diagnosed with depression and about 6 years ago was diagnosed BPD. She is taking medication for the depression, but refuses the therapy. So the BPD is still present in every interaction that we have.

All of my life I knew there was something wrong. Never did we have a rational conversation without her yelling or crying or trying to make me feel guilty about ruining her life. It was very difficult. I was lucky that I had my father who was always quiet and rational. He helped me to see that her behavior wasn’t normal. He helped me to build up emotional defenses against her attacks. He taught me how to distance myself from her emotionally and helped me keep the damage minimal. I hope that your time with your kids is as beneficial to them.

I still deal with her on a daily basis, and had always struggled to do so, until I found your site. The IM’s are so similar to what I go through, the strange direction that every conversation takes. Many of our conversations now, (I’m 36) lead back to what I did when I was 14, and how evil I am. This site has helped me see the pattern. I now understand when the first sign of an attack is coming and I know then that it is time to go home, or hang up the phone. I have learned so much from this web-site about minimal contact, and steering the conversation, and cutting off communication if the conversation starts down the wrong path. I will forever be grateful for this site.

Everyday I think about showing my Dad the web-site, because I know how he would relate to it, but for now, we don’t speak of her illness. He has been walking on egg shells for 40 years and the prospect of change scares him. It is just a silent understanding that we have and maybe just a quick “you know how your mom is” comment that we use to reassure each other and build each other up. Maybe one day I will be brave enough to send him to your site, but until then, I will just continue to use what you teach me and to remember that I am not alone.

Once again, thank you!

TB

You’re so very welcome. Thanks for the positive feedback.

~LM & DW

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Could It Be Borderline Personality Disorder?

Borderline Personality Disorder – Information for the Family

The following 9-minute video, produced by my friends over at BPDFamily.Com, manages to capture the essence of the experiences when in a relationship of any kind with someone suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder.

It is estimated that there are 6-10 million husbands, wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, and children affected by Borderline Personality Disorder. Few know or are in treatment. When you don’t know, much like I didn’t, the trauma can be long-lasting and dramatically affect your life. Confusion, guilt, helplessness, among other experiences tend to pervade your lives. You will likely question your own sanity.

As you struggle to do everything you can within reason to get to the bottom of and cure your relationship of the never-ending chaos, the non-BPD can alter their entire personality to try to “keep the peace.” There is a term for this: walking on eggshells.

The main trait of borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a pervasive pattern of instability in interpersonal relationships, self-image and emotions. Watch and learn more:

If your loved one suffers from or you suspect may suffer from borderline personality disorder, I strongly recommend that you go ahead – visit and register at BPDFamily.Com and be sure to check out the article “Are You In a Relationship With a Borderline“.

Our 30,000 members are dedicated to support individuals and families with loved-ones affected by Borderline Personality Disorder as they journey through recovery, therapy, and self analysis.

Their website was instrumental in helping me to discover and understand just with whom I was dealing. A great many recommendations from long-standing members, even newbies, I employ today in order to manage my interactions with PEW. My only wish was that I had discovered them (and information & understanding about BPD) about 12-years ago.

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