Archive for May, 2008

Stay-At-Home-MOMS (SAHM): Worth $130,000+ ???

May 30, 2008

Only because I have never seen an article on what the working-dad is worth to the marital home, I’m going to take a stab at it.

Before I get into picking apart this annually regurgitated propaganda by Salary.Com and spread via other media – I will give you my position on stay-at-home parents. While it’s a wonderful consideration to demonstrate the importance of any stay-at-home-parent – their contention and calculations have holes one could drive a truck through.

They’re invaluable. They’re priceless. Regardless of which parent stays home, I believe it’s better for children to be primarily raised by the parent(s) rather than a daycare. I have a great deal of respect for stay-at-home-parents and it’s top on my list of jobs I’d really want to do… if I could make ends-meet while doing it.

“Stay-At-Homers” are overwhelmingly moms. In some of the internet circles I’ve frequented, it’s clear that there are times when they are devalued (ironically enough – a majority of the time in feminist circles) and not given enough credit for the valuable work that they do. For the record – so are stay-at-home-dads, if not, moreso when dealing with challenges to their “manhood” or alleged lack thereof.

Let’s examine some of the jobs and pay-rates used in determining this calculation:

  • Child Day Care Worker – $20,259
  • Teacher – $44,824
  • Taxi Driver – $27,346
  • Facilities Manager – $73,239
  • Short-order Cook – $27,477
  • Laundry Attendant – $17,917
  • Janitor – $22,440
  • Counselor – $27,638
  • CEO – $545,268
  • Administrative Assistant III – $37,143
  • Accounting Clerk III – $34,842
  • Licensed Practical Nurse – $38,111
  • Plumber I – $33,155
  • Automotive Mechanic I – $30,725
  • Cake Decorator – $21,340
  • Nevermind that no mom, unless specifically trained to do the daily tasks for a minimum of 8-hours per day – has anywhere near the necessary education, training, nor experience to “qualify” for the large majority of those jobs. Fact is, without it – they aren’t entitled to use those average salaries as a basis for determining their “worth” to the household. (For the record, no dad is, either – but to my knowledge – there isn’t any website that would attempt to do this and pass itself or the article off as being completely serious.)

    With only the fewest exceptions, most of the items on that list, fathers do exclusively in many households, if not, in tandem with their spouse, while also working a full-time (plus) job. On the flip side, there are number of items on the list that could be attributable to moms that are rather questionable, either exclusively or even in tandem with their spouse.

    I’ll avoid a prolonged argument about the “tasks” above, but spin a couple of them this way:

    – Clearing hair out of the drain or pouring Drano down the drain: ISN’T akin to being a plumber.

    – Calling AAA when the car breaks down: ISN’T akin to being an Auto Mechanic.

    – Giving your kids a “high-five” for good work: ISN’T akin to being a CEO.

    Get my drift? Now, before you go berating me about how frigging hard being a stay-at-home mom is and all of the things that you do and how you’re running non-stop from the moment you get up until the moment you lay down at night – I know stay-at-homers do plenty of work, but I call bullshit on anyone who claims how hard it is… especially if the child(ren) are of school age and spending the large majority of their day in school.

    Cooking isn’t hard. Cleaning isn’t hard. Doing the wash, isn’t hard. Washing dishes isn’t hard. Managing the children can be a pain-in-the-ass, but generally – it isn’t hard. I could blather on and on and you, the reader, can roll your eyes until you sprain them. I’ve been there. I’ve done it as a single parent – if only a portion of the time (but full days) while unemployed. I’ve done it as a single parent while holding down a full-time job. I’ve done it married when PEW was working evening shifts and was walking out the door while I was walking in. I simply never found it to be what she always seemed to compare to hard-labor in a federal prison.

    Collectively – it’s hard work and it all can be accomplished with some meaningful planning and execution. Yes, there are some days when careful planning and execution goes right out the window – but over the long haul it’s all pretty manageable, especially when you have a spouse out in the workforce earning enough money for the household so that you are able to do what you’ve chosen to do.

    In any event, when Salary.Com gets around to doing an article about the worth of the working father on that same familial household, they should tack at least some of the following onto the list they used for moms: carpenter, floor installer, toilet installer, auto mechanic (for real), landscaper, woodworker, referee, judge, jurist, banker, stock broker, financial planner, assembler, metalworker, roofer, sports coach, furniture repair, electrician, appliance installer, trash collector, gas station attendant…

    Of course, I say all this slightly tongue-in-cheek. The point is that the Salary.Com assessment is so ridiculous as to be laughable. Frankly, I think that the worth of the Stay-At-Home-Parent is something you can’t put a dollar figure on – let’s not pretend that being one is akin to being “some portion” of any of those jobs. Before you go up to your spouse looking for a $10,000+ check at the end of the month, the reality is – it’s simply not the case and Salary.Com is doing no household any favors by performing this annual “study” which is rife with flaws. They really should stop doing it, but I guess the attention that their website gets as a result makes it all worth it.

    One of the other claims that often accompanies these types of articles is that stay-at-home-moms do “all of that” for nothing. That’s a lie. Here is my list of “somethings” that stay-at-home-moms get for their efforts (in-whole, or in-part):

  • Free housing
  • Free health-insurance
  • Free life-insurance
  • Free car-insurance
  • Free automobile
  • Free gas
  • Free water
  • Free electricity
  • Free clothing
  • Free food & drink
  • Free entertainment
  • Free real-estate
  • EVERYTHING THAT IS PAID FOR by the working spouse
  • In addition, legally (in most states), the stay-at-home mom is entitled to at least half of all of the assets: autos, real-estate, retirements, future earnings, paid training to get back into the workforce, education, the children primarily (if divorcing)… and the list goes on.

    I’ll wrap this up with these final thoughts… take the article for what it really should be: show appreciation for the value and efforts of the stay-at-home parent. Recognize the important role and significantly positive impact it can have on children, marriage, and the partnership. It’s hard work that is rewarding on levels that probably could never be matched in the workplace. Conversely, appreciate the partner who is in a position to give you and your family that opportunity.

    I’m really not interested in seeing a Salary.Com article about stay-at-home-fathers or those in the workplace and their total financial worth with the other jobs that they may do at home. I’m interested in seeing their article where it belongs…

    Wishing She Could Let Mom & Dad Care for Her

    May 29, 2008

    Yeah, I know… again with the “I’m having a breakdown” cry. Despite being a regular occurrence, many of which were documented – I remind you that these and her suicide threats didn’t concern custody-evaluator-3 in terms of PEW’s ability to be a parent to the children.


    PEW: are you going to the post office at lunch
    LM: yes, You?
    PEW: no, [my SIL] was wondering if you could take something for her
    LM: yes
    PEW: ok. OMG…..i can’t take it when S2 whines. first he poked himself in the eye. are you there?
    LM: yes. I’m starving. lol
    PEW: sorry i know you’re busy…..but I gotta tell ya……
    LM: Just type. I’m reading.
    PEW: i feel like i’m having a breakdown or something
    LM: oh dear.
    PEW: between the dreams and feeling just very nervous and anxious and the whining….and us fighting…….i feel so overwhelmed. and work…….
    LM: I wish I knew what to tell you.
    PEW: me too because i feel very alone. i wish i could go home and let my mom and dad take care of me for awhile
    LM: Why don’t you go down the shore or something for a weekend. Take a break.
    PEW: when, i have work
    LM: What’s more important?
    PEW: being alone isn’t going to help me feel better or less anxious, our anniversary is this weekend and we’re not even “together”, going away isn’t going to solve anything
    LM: ok


    Well, at least this was a short one, right?

    I can’t help but think to myself, if I poked myself in the eye today, I would whine like a 2-year old.

    Additional thoughts – that not only was PEW incapable of recognizing just how serious a problem she has, but no one around her had the ability to either recognize the depth of her issues or gave enough of a crap about them to see to it that perhaps she got some real help. Of course, given the pathology that is rooted in her own family, it probably is a bit much to have expected.

    Also, this is a prelude to another holiday season. It’s the week before Thanksgiving in 2003.

    I’m Gonna Tell My Dad!

    May 28, 2008

    On September 25th, 2003, PEW starts a fight about me allegedly being selfish. She against describes “having a breakdown.” She demanded that I cancel plans to have some of my family over to celebrate S1’s birthday. She demanded this not because anyone was sick, but because she didn’t like me talking to one of my brothers about motorcycles. She closes by threatening to leave again and, of course, take the kids with her.


    PEW: i’m having a freakin breakdown
    LM: Whassa matter?
    PEW: everything. cancel tomorrow night. i’m not up for it. and S1 is sick
    LM: ok. Why don’t you and J.. go out or something? That way, if he’s feeling better, I can still have them over?
    PEW: you’re such a selfish bastard i’m so sick of this


    Okay. I can handle having people over without her being there. I even suggest that she go out with a friend – no problem. This makes me selfish.


    LM: What are you talking about?
    PEW: it’s all about you. always
    LM: Ah, the dreaded AIM attack.
    PEW: whatever, well I’ll hold the rest till you come home at lunch
    LM: I’m really sorry I can’t get home.
    PEW: kiss my ass
    LM: Amazing your mood swings again. 3 days ago… pissed off miserable. Last two days… happy and funny. Today… pissed off miserable. Unreal. All because I can just up and walk out of work today.
    PEW: talk about mood swings. you’re the king of that shit. at least I have a reason. i have actual stress
    LM: If you say so.
    PEW: you act like it’s news that i’m sick of this. that i’m sick of you
    LM: How is it you go from wanting a divorce 3 days ago… To lovey dovey kissy face hiney pinch the last two days… To, freak out on LM again today? That’s mood swings. I never do that to you. Never.
    PEW: because I pray that you’ll be different…then you just prove how selfish you are again and again selfish to the core
    LM: Selfish how? Because I can’t leave work?
    PEW: worried about motorcycles and having your brothers over…. you don’t give a rats ass about what I have going on
    LM: I’m not worried about motorcycles.
    PEW: as usual, bull
    LM: Hey, it’s okay that you can drop and go to your family’s whenever.
    PEW: you can drop and go to your family anytime too….you’re just too lazy to
    LM: I want to have my family over to wish S1 a happy birthday… and you want to put the kibosh on it… and have the NERVE to say I”M selfish. And it’s about ME. Hysterical.
    PEW: HE”S SICK, ass
    LM: How many times have you taken the boys out “sick” PEW?
    PEW: I have to take an exam tomorrow. the only ones left coming are CAM and [wife].


    This wasn’t a big production we’re talking about here. When the original cook-out was planned, several of the boys’ Uncles were out of town and couldn’t attend. So, I asked a couple of them over for some coffee and cake – a short visit to wish S1 a happy birthday and see his cousins. This was really no big deal, but as with most things – it was apparently a set of catastrophic circumstances with which the PEW was unprepared to handle like an adult.


    LM: S2 was sick when you took him last night?
    PEW: do you really think they want [niece] to be around sickness
    LM: How about when you took him down your parents Tuesday night?
    PEW: yeah because there are no children there
    LM: Ohhhh… so it’s not about his being sick… it’s about other children now? I see. It’s about you. Not being there. Isn’t it? You have something to do.


    Ah, yes – the “do as I say, not as I do” edict. So, here she is claiming that S1 is sick and that he shouldn’t go out. We shouldn’t have visitors. Well, I ask her about her going to her families and other places with the children when they’re sick. That’s okay, according to her. Having my brother, his wife, and my niece over to wish S1 a happy birthday apparently was not proper protocol.


    PEW: what are you talking about. like what?
    LM: You wanted me to cancel because you have to go take your test. Now, S1 has a red throat, and you conveniently have a different excuse.
    PEW: I have to take the test before 4
    LM: I see.
    PEW: it doesn’t impact people being over
    LM: Okay.
    PEW: but this isn’t about his birthday. he had a birthday celebration. so it’s not about him…..
    LM: It is about him. Was CAM and [wife] there? MJM and [wife]?
    PEW: and we know you don’t care that I’m stressed and don’t feel like cleaning
    LM: What party did we have for him?
    PEW: MJM and [wife] can’t come
    LM: Oh… that’s right… YOUR family.
    PEW: that’s not my fault. you’re family couldn’t be here on his birthday
    LM: I want to invite my family over, and can’t… because YOU don’t want it.


    Borderlines like to isolate their targets from everyone that means anything to them. Friends, family, children… if it isn’t all about them – it’s just wrong. This demonstrates that tactic which PEW used often.


    PEW: no S1 is SICK and I have a night off
    LM: Well, I’ll let CAM and [wife] decide.
    PEW: I don’t feel like entertaining
    LM: Go out if you don’t want to be there. Go visit your mom. Go visit your sister.
    PEW: fuck you
    LM: Go out with J… 3 times I’ve rescheduled this thing.
    PEW: i’m waiting to talk to my Dad. I think I am moving back home with the kids you can’t stop me
    LM: No you’re not. Watch me.
    PEW: a judge will decide not you
    LM: ok


    There I go being selfish again. If you don’t want to entertain – go out. See a friend. Go relax somewhere. I’ll take care of everything. Of course, this was simply about inconveniencing me and isolating me (and the kids) from my side of the family.


    PEW: so anyway……. I can’t help the fact that I have to work
    LM: I know. Really. I do.
    PEW: well when I start working full time, what are you going to do? I mean it can’t always be me? does anyone else have small children there? what do they do? the ones who’s wives work
    LM: I don’t know. Daycare? I don’t really concern myself with what other people do.
    PEW: well i’m asking because it seems like lately your just like oh well PEW, it’s your problem
    LM: It’s not “your problem.” It’s our problem. Is it your expectation that, if we can’t get coverage in a situation like this, I should call out?
    PEW: i’m not asking you to call out……i’m saying I called out on Tues…. I had to take S2 to the dentist with me and to the therapist. I have a test tomorrow at [the college] that I have no coverage for….. a meeting with [boss] monday…..no coverage…… and today I took S2 with me to the chiropracter last week…….and the dentist and the doctors. do you ever have to do that? sometimes I gotta have both kids with me
    LM: Look, I know you can’t do it for everything… but the first thing I do is try to set my appointment at times that I don’t have to worry about that. I make Dentist appts. before work. I make Dr. appts. over lunch. Or after work. Or on the weekends.
    PEW: yeah me too…..but I work at night and on the weekends. you have no idea do you?
    LM: I do.
    PEW: just that you would say that…..tells me that you don’t. I work almost all saturdays
    LM: Do you have to work “all Saturdays?”
    PEW: and 2-3 nights during the week. if I want money. yeah i do
    LM: That’s not what I asked. No, you don’t. You don’t HAVE to work all Saturdays.
    PEW: well i certainly can’t pick up more days during the week in lieu of saturdays
    LM: You can make appts. over lunch time when I can be home… and sneak out a little early and go back a little late.
    PEW: then I wind up with this situation. the kids get sick…..SIL can’t babysit…….i’m screwed
    LM: If you have to make a Drs. appt. – then what you can pick up shouldn’t be that important.
    PEW: well i make my schedule a month a head of time
    LM: If the kids get sick, and we can’t get a babysitter… work is going to have to allow you to come in two hours late. Until I get home.
    PEW: that’s not always possible. i’ve done that several times already. your work is going to have to let you leave early
    LM: No, it isn’t.


    PEW is the master at putting herself in the position of being put-out. She is the master of victimhood. Even when faced with simple, logical, convenient ways to handle her regular “impositions” – she simply cannot accept them. Only making adjustments to suit her ever-changing demands which are most inconvenient for me and, at the time, potentially put the job at risk – are the solutions she wants. Leave work when I say. Go when I say. When I say “jump” – you say “how high.” Simple, logical solutions which put the onus on her to plan appropriately and when I could most easily accommodate those scheduling glitches were simply not doable.

    For me, the choice was simple and I held my ground:

    1 – Take the children with you when you have to do these things.

    2 – Go when I can most easily be able to be there to accommodate them, like I do, with the fewest exceptions.

    For People Who Are So Smart, You’re Idiots!

    May 26, 2008

    On Sunday, May 18th, 2008, we did a custody exchange for my week. For the fourth consecutive weekend, S2 was dropped off not feeling well. Only one of those weeks did it last into the week (not including this past week).

    The week in summary went like this: Sunday, S2 had a fever. After an evening of Tylenol, fluids, and rest – Monday morning he woke up fine and went to school. He was fine all week long. Thursday, at aftercare at the school, he complained again of not feeling well. When I arrived, he had a “sick face” on but didn’t have a fever when we got home, and in a little while, felt fine again. Friday morning, spry and excited for activities at school, no fever, he went. At 11:00AM, I get a call from the school nurse – he has a fever of 100.1 and is complaining of a belly-ache. I pick up both boys from school early since it was a half-day anyway. Tylenol and lots of water – by Friday night he is fine. Saturday he is fine but does get a slight fever Saturday evening. One dose of Tylenol and he is fine inside of 30-minutes. Sunday he is fine up to and through the exchange back to PEW.

    Nothing too dramatic, S2 complained of nothing other than an occasional belly-ache when he did have a fever, but he ate everything all week long and didn’t throw up or show any other signs of anything. Both boys were excited for the extended weekend and whatever it was that mom had planned for them.


    LM,

    I know you don’t like getting these kinds of emails from me, but it’s times like this when I really question your parenting…… You realize that you let S2 suffer from Sunday to Sunday with some kind of sinus infection or something?? You had to hear it in his voice and if he had a fever Sunday….then monday, then tuesday, then weds…and then had to get picked up friday early….obviously he need to see a Dr.

    Why the hell didn’t you take him to the Dr? Instead now he has to suffer through a holiday weekend SICK. It’s not a virus, virus do not last for 8 days. So between you and DW, neither one of you had the common sense to take the kid to the Doctor? It is a mind blowing experience to be on the other side of parenting two children with you. I know you won’t admit it, but you screwed up……and S2 could have been better by last tuesday. This is why, I lose sleep at night…worrying about what kind of mis-judgements you will make that could be potentially dangerous. Would you wait to take him to the Dr. until the fever got so high, he went into a coma or something? Then what? For people who are supposedly so smart, your idiots. I know you wont’ respond because there’s nothing to say…..except you’re sorry to S2. And you can do that next week.

    ~PEW


    For the record, I cut her email into paragraphs for easier reading. It was just one big giant paragraph – the usual when she is raging.

    The email also demonstrates her uncanny and consistent ability to turn any seemingly mild ailment into a potential catastrophe, up to and including potential coma and death.

    My initial reaction is to violate the low-contact principles that I often preach about and so many, myself included, have seen great success. That “Fantasy Email Reply” will close out this post. However, I reign myself in and choose the right path – since it is involving a matter pertaining to the children’s well-being (specifically, S2’s illness) – I respond and trim a lot of the “fat.”


    PEW,

    – S2 complained of no ailment other than feeling “hot.”

    – He had no fever until Friday at school. He was fine again until it went up again on Saturday at Uncle Vincent’s. He did not have a fever every day this week.

    – Unless you took him to the doctor, please stop with your diagnosis. If you went to the doctor, let me know what he said, otherwise, stop the harassment.

    – He was looked at by a registered nurse at the school who offered no explanation other than a “slight belly-ache and a fever of 100.1.” When I call the doctor and give them that description, they tell me “plenty of fluids and rest.”

    Let’s not forget, either – he was sick “all of last weekend” and you did nothing. Further, he was also delivered to us sick the prior exchange, the exchange before that, and the exchange before that.

    It might be time to consider exploring what you feed them (dietary changes) and what they have to drink (soda, juices, etc. to extreme). I would also remind you that when I had them “full time” last summer… neither S1 nor S2 were sick a single time. Check out the things you’re doing and see if any changes may help. Since the custody change, they simply haven’t been sick unless you’ve delivered them to us that way and they’ve always been returned healthy, except for this time… all of which can be documented.

    Thanks,
    LM


    Yes, before you go beating me up, I realize that the last paragraph is full of “fat” much of which should have been excluded. Yes, I’ve also admitted that despite my low-contact advice – I am prone to slip beyond what is the minimum contact necessary on occasion.

    Though she’ll likely deny it – I thought it important to remind her that this would be the 4th time in a row she’s delivered the children with at least one of them sick. I also know that she’ll completely deny it because it’s not in keeping with her believe that the opposite is “always” the case (projection).

    LM,

    You are lying. They have been sick since the custody schedule change while they were with you….more than once. S2 was not sick any of last weekend until sunday. Also, there was only one other exchage where they weren’t feeling good….. I haven’t delivered them sick repeatedly. I am the parent who actually takes them to the Dr. because I am not a cheapass, like you. He was asleep on monday night when I called at 6pm. Everytime I spoke to him he said his fever was going up and down. They both told me he almost wasn’t able to go to school on tuesday. They aren’t babies anymore, they know what fevers are and they know what the days of the week are. Both kids told me that you were pumping him full of Tylenol all week….you know that causes liver damage right?

    They don’t drink soda and juices to extreme and they eat a healthy diet over here. AND it’s not the school nurses job to diagnose illnesses. It’s up to the parents to take them to the Dr. when they have a continued unexplained fever for 7 days straight. When I take him to the Dr. I will ask if you called…..I’m sure you didn’t because they would have told you to bring him in…I think after 10 years I should know. You’re a lier and a cheapskate…that’s why S2 is sick.

    ~PEW


    Good grief – now the child is going to have liver damage on top of a coma.

    This is when my responses will typically end. One contact. One explanation (if appropriate), and then just let her escalate if that is her desire. You can’t reasonably discuss things with someone with such an uncanny ability to re-write history to suit her own arguments.

    The reality is – when I call and explain that he has a fever and no other apparent symptoms (I did explain belly-ached, with no throwing up) – Tylenol, fluids, rest. Doctors do NOT want you to bring them in at the drop of a hat. We have immune systems to fight off regular ailments such as these and I have never refused to take the children to a doctor when appropriate or told to “bring them in.”

    For the record:

    Child Hospital Visits Since Split: PEW = 4. LM = 0.

    Child Doctor Visits Since Split: PEW = I lost count. LM = 1.

    PEW visits the doctor so frequently because it makes her feel and appear like the “doting mother.” DW and I, on the other hand, we just take care of the children when it’s obviously in our power to do so.

    THE FANTASY EMAIL REPLY: (Emails we’d like to send, but know better.)

    PEW,

    S2 complained of no ailment other than feeling “hot.”

    He had no fever until Friday at school. He was fine again until it spiked on Saturday at VAM’s. Unless you took him to the doctor, here you go again acting like one yourself and we know how many times you’ve made “diagnoses” that were unnecessarily extreme and a complete figment of your imagination. From sun-poisoning, to tetanus, to coma and potential death – it’s would be rather comical if I didn’t think you actually believed your own tripe.

    He was looked at by a registered nurse at the school who offered no explanation other than a “slight belly-ache and a fever of 100.1.” When I call the doctor and give them that description, they tell me “plenty of fluids and rest.”

    Let’s not forget, either – he was sick “all of last weekend” and you did nothing. He was delivered to us sick the three prior exchanges, too. My guess is if you spent more time examining the things you do and the items you feed them, you might actually make a contribution to minimizing these types of incidents, too. Thanks for your concern, but you’re latest, hysterical arm-chair diagnosis is nothing more than another excuse for your usual mindless raging anyway.

    ~LM

    Child Support: The Fallacy, The Fraud, And The Failure

    May 25, 2008

    Child Support: The Fallacy, The Fraud, And The Failure

    The American Legal System At Its Worst

    A Historical Perspective

    The fundamental changes in American Law that lead to the body of law we now call, “Family Law”, arose in 1960’s, born of the Feminist Rights Movements. Let’s make it clear from the start that the flaws and failures of the “family law” system are not of the making of that movement, and that both their intent and causes were good and just.

    A sociological study done thirty some years ago found that only 40% of “fathers” nationwide paid any support for their children. Somebody in government got the bright idea that we could save the taxpayer scads of money, paid out in welfare, if those fathers were “held responsible” for supporting their own children.

    The theory wasn’t half bad, just founded on a fallacy. Multiple studies, beginning from that point and continuing yet today, demonstrate this. Today, even the author of that study made more than thirty years ago, admits that the “statistical model” used to analyze that data was fundamentally flawed. In fact, the statistics showed that, back then, 80% of fathers paid child support. Yet even today, that study is widely quoted in numerous articles and legislative hearings regarding issues of child support.

    Today, we know a whole lot more. Today, those same statistics show that currently 80% of fathers pay child support. Further, we know that another 13% of fathers simply cannot afford to pay anything. Another 3% acknowledge a “responsibility”, but refuse to pay because they are denied access to their own children, and another 3% claim they are “forced into hiding” by the child support enforcement system and unable to pay for fear of revealing themselves. Total: 99%. Ergo, only 1% of men actually qualify as what could truly be considered “bad dads.”

    Please note that the percentage of men paying support for their children more than thirty years ago is identical to the percent of men paying that support today. The system itself has failed by that very fact, because it has not reduced the demands on welfare at all, as was its original intent.

    The Fraud

    Enter the lawyers. The entire “family law” system is founded on litigation, lots of it, and solely serves to feed the legal community. Much can be said about the scam perpetrated in that area of “family law” called the Child Protection Services racket, but this analysis will leave that to those more experienced and educated in that field. For these purposes, let’s focus on the “divorce industry,” a government-sponsored money-laundering scheme to enrich mostly lawyers.

    Legal Fraud

    Quite simply, the law, well supported by the US Supreme Court, states that the State must first demonstrate a “compelling interest,” and by which claim it may then, and only then, interfere with the “ownership and custody” of a parent’s children. Further, that such a claim must be demonstrated in all of the protections afforded through “due process.” That is, all the protections of both the State and Federal Constitution: An actual hearing with testimony, witnesses and statements of law, culminated in a “lawful” finding by the court that accounts to those facts presented and those laws stated.

    It would appear that “everyone knows” that the State has a “compelling interest” in the welfare of children – i.e., the “children’s best interest.” This is the first fraud, because the State simply “presumes” that authority, without any of the above procedural due process – no hearing, no evidence, nothing. It is called “procedural fraud.”

    The second fraud appears immediately thereafter, when they “presume” to assign custody of the children, presumed to be the mother more than 90% of the time. Again, the US Supreme Court says that “absent a finding of unfitness”, a parent cannot be deprived of the custody and ownership of their children, and that, again, all of the procedural rights of due process must be upheld. Ergo, custody may not simply be “assigned” and then just approved by the court. It must be “demonstrated” in the actual procedure of hearing, evidence, law and “finding.”

    The third fraud follows post haste. They demand “child support” from the now disenfranchised parent, most notably fathers. This is the key; it’s for the money. Make no doubt about it; it is not the child support money, but the taxpayer’s money. Child support generally does go to the “custodial parent”, but it is the State and Federal funds that abound for the purpose of “enforcing and collecting child support” that are the real goal of those who “act for the government.”

    This third fraud is, at law, no better than the first two. In Civil Law, a “contract”, “debt” or “obligation” is set forth in writing, but apparently not in the supposedly Civil “Family Law” system. They won’t show you a contract, and in fact refuse to discuss it. It is “presumed” to exist. They won’t show you the terms, nor discuss the determination of the amount of alleged “debt.” Again, the US Supreme Court clearly states that a “hidden contract is an abhorrent in law.”

    The fourth fraud in law is that minor little detail called enforcement. “Failure to pay child support” is stated as a “civil contempt”, ergo refusing to obey a court order. In law, there are two forms of “contempt of court”, first, civil contempt, which is failing to do what the court orders you to do, and, second, criminal contempt, which is doing what the court ordered you not to do. The former is punishable by fiscal sanctions – fines; and the latter by incarceration. Except, of course, in Family Law, where the plain and simple standard is “pay up or go to jail.”

    Both the State and Federal courts duly uphold that there must be proof “beyond a reasonable doubt” that this alleged contempt was a “willful disobedience” of the court’s order, and further, that the burden of that proof is on the prosecution to show that “an ability to pay” exists, but was willfully disobeyed. Except, of course, in Family Law, where “pay up of go to jail” is enforced almost universally: No hearing, no evidence, and no testimony required.

    The Practice of Extortion Fraud

    In practice, it is a simple system of collusion and abusing the privilege of authority. The “prosecutor” for the child support enforcement system “just does it”, and the judge “just ignores it.” Lawyers, whether willing or unwilling, are caught between hell and high water, but fundamentally are an integral part of the fraud, and reap enormous financial dividends from it.

    A couple gets a divorce, and immediately the “presumed non-custodial parent” gets a notice from the child support enforcement offices demanding that they “appear” and reveal their financial information. Many States have statutes that say this information must be revealed, under penalty of contempt. Federal, constitutional law however says that your civil rights to not answer, under the 5th Amendment, extends to all aspects of law, not just the criminal arena. “Too bad”, says the State court, “Answer or else!”

    The “caseworker” determines who gets custody, and how much child support will be paid. Enforcement is immediate. The first three legal frauds discussed above are committed in one basic act, not by a judge, but by a caseworker. The court merely “approves” whatever the caseworker says. Supposedly, that makes it a “legal decision.” Note the lack of any hearing, any evidence or any actual “findings” issued by a court. This is the entire basis of their procedural fraud, to simply ignore any actual “procedure” that might demonstrate that essential “due process.”

    Ostensibly, the caseworker is required to use “guidelines,” set by the State but regulated by the federal funding mandates, to set the amount of child support. In theory, that is 17% of your gross income for one child, 25% for two, etc. The trick is that they can “impute” your income. The original idea of “imputing wages” was to “catch” people who are making more than they claim or seek “under-employment to reduce the child support amounts. However, it is commonly and widely used to “up the ante” and increase child support revenues.

    Your first instinct is to hire a lawyer and appeal this decision. Lawyers, as “officers of the court” are prevented from arguing for your rights in these supposed Family Courts! Either by “court rules”, a fraudulent misrepresentation by the lawyer in as much as the State’s own published Court Rules make no such mention, or by the retributions of the court and prosecutor aimed at all of that lawyer’s other clients. Basically, their sole function is to “cut a deal” for you, probably better than the original exorbitant imputation, but still more than “the truth”.

    Since now you are under a court order to pay child support (or go to jail), the odds are that now you can’t afford a lawyer at all. Forget any deals. Neither the prosecutor nor your Ex will present any evidence to demonstrate this fraudulent imputation, and even though you have competent, clear evidence to the contrary, which neither the prosecutor nor your Ex will contend is false, the judge will “dismiss” your appeal. This is the procedural fraud of “administrative ruling.” No actual “finding” is made by the court, which would then have to include that evidence and testimony. Judges will even “wave away” documentation you have, making you just read it out loud, as a means of keeping it from being entered into your record.

    Judges are commonly known to “go home and do some research” and enter that alleged evidence in support of their dismissal. This is a further fraud, this time called “substantive fraud”. The judge is “acting for the prosecution”, and “entering evidence outside of the courtroom.” Both are fundamental violations of every State’s Court Rules, and a fundamental denial of any constitutional rights toward due process.

    Needless to say, you appeal that decision again, but of it is within the same court as before, and of course the result will be the same. In fact, you are required to appeal twice before that court before being allowed, and told you can appeal to a higher court, the State Court of Appeals. For 99.9% of the population, this is a daunting task beyond their knowledge and comprehension. Without a lawyer, it seems impossible, and the cost of such an appeal can run $15-20,000. Now, six months of excessive child support payments has made you nearly or completely destitute.

    It is called “adjudication by fiscal attrition.” When you go to that Appeals Court, they will not “refund” the excess, nor cease those collections, but merely, and only possibly, reduce those payments to what they should have been all along. “The Law” becomes a matter of whether it is bottom-line cheaper to pay their “buddy lawyer” for “justice”, or to pay their extortive demands. The bottom line is that most people cannot afford either.

    The Extortion Fraud

    Ultimately you reach a point where you cannot pay. These courts know that, and expect you to reach out to friends and family. They are using you as “bait” to “shakedown” the money any way they can. Again, US Supreme Court rulings state that this is clearly illegal. But ultimately, you will end up getting a Show Court Order, demanding that you appear in court and explain why you haven’t paid.

    When you appear, the prosecutor will not show evidence that you can pay this money but refuse to do so. Instead you are required to show why you cannot. There is ample federal case law that says you don’t have to “show what is not” because it is nearly impossible to do! More case law that says the burden of proof is on the prosecutor, and more case law that says “an ability to pay” must be demonstrated before the penalties of incarceration can be applied.

    The prosecutor has access to all of your records, such as employment, banks, etc., and is well aware that you can’t pay the money. They will not present that evidence even though, by law they are required to. Arguing your rights to due process or suggesting they have no evidence of an “ability to pay” will end up getting you put in jail for contempt anyway. Many States have limits for contempt proceedings, like a maximum of $500, yet it is common for them to demand far more. The only answer the court has is “pay up or go to jail,” and that answer was decided long before you entered the court.

    Of course you can appeal this decision too, and of course it is in the same court. You know the answer to that. In some cases, they are known to enter that appeal or objection into the record of your case, but then simply refuse to answer it, not denying, dismissing or setting it for hearing – just ignore it! This is gross violation of every State’s Court Rules. Of course you can appeal to the Court of Appeals, but you can expect that to be after you have already done time in jail. Nor does “doing the time” relieve you of the financial demand, and in fact more support “debt” will accrue while you are in jail. They can, in most States, keep putting you in jail, up to a total six months in any given year, making it just that much more difficult to even make any payments.

    They can, after three “offenses” put you in jail for up to ten years. After accumulating more than six months worth of child support debt, they can take away your driver’s license and any other “professional” licenses you may hold. Both of these would seem contrary to their supposed goal. You can’t find work or maintain a job without a car, and usually those professional licenses are the means you have of making any money. To understand all of this, go back to the statement back at the top, that it not about the child support money, but the Federal and State funding.

    Paternity Fraud and the Welfare Mom

    Two of the most critical abuses of this “Family Law” system involved how women are abusing it. Can’t really blame them, like in the Federal Tax system that provides “loopholes”, this system has holes you could drive a Mac truck through.

    Paternity fraud is all too common. Most laboratories that do DNA paternity testing record that nearly a third of those tests come back as “not a match”. This includes married couples. No doubt there are thousands of cases that never get tested as well. Thousands of married fathers have discovered, only after going through a divorce, that another man fathered some of their children. Yet the courts claim that it would disrupt the children’s lives to discover that and is therefore not in the “children’s best interest”. The husband is ordered to continue to pay support for them, and even prevented from telling them on penalty of contempt.

    It is common for an unmarried woman who had multiple partners during “the right time” to simply “pick a likely victim” and start prosecuting for the money. Many victims, because they did have sex with her, will not question the claim. While it would seem with the advent of DNA testing that it would be a “logical place to start”, most courts are resistant to insisting on “evidence,” commonly work to prevent testing at all or even just reject it under the guise of “the children’s best interest.” Also common, where the first “victim” turns out to not be the father, the women will just keep “going down the list”, until they get one who doesn’t “resist” or is actually proven to be the father. That list of “alleged” fathers, individually all get to pay the costs of testing and attorney fees, not to mention the traumatic disruption of their lives.

    Recent cases have also shown that some women have “retrieved” used condoms, even from men they never had sex with, and used the contents to impregnate themselves. The issues of a man’s right to choose to be a father go far beyond the scope of this article. Suffice it to say that, without a wink of consent of the father, a woman can choose to have an abortion, put a child up for adoption, abandon a child at the nearest fire station or hospital, or keep it and make the father pay for its support, often never even seeing his own child. Men have none of those choices, and are limited to the one and only choice, “pay up or go to jail.” The courts have long ignored that this is a clear violation of 14th Amendment rights to “equal treatment under the law” by hiding behind that ever present “the children’s best interest.”

    Another common trick women use is to have multiple children by multiple fathers. As stated above, child support for once child is 17% of the father’s income, but only 25% if there are two children by the same father. For women, the solution is simple, by not having more than one child per father they can substantially increase the amount of child support they can receive. The Family Law system is actively discouraging marriage and family unity, and financially encouraging the “bastarding” of our society with fatherless children .

    The Failure

    Remember that the original intent of these laws was to reduce the costs to the taxpayer by reducing the needs for welfare. As a matter of statistical fact, it has not reduced the role of welfare even by 1%. The same percentage of fathers pay child support as did thirty years ago at its inception. Here, however, is where it gets truly ugly, and reveals that these government programs are the most destructive, debilitating and even deadly ever devised by our “public servants.”

    The Basic Costs

    While government child support advertises that it collected $18 billion in 2003, it also claims that the “administrative costs” were only $4.5 billion, or $1 spent for every $4 collected. This is a hidden lie. True, the administrative costs were as claimed. False, because they are only the beginning for the multiplicity of hidden costs.

    One of the big keys to understanding this problem lies in understanding the money, or, as they say, follow the money trail. Caseworkers get a “bonus” for every case they “handle”, as do the agency heads. This commonly leads to, not only overburdening caseloads per caseworker, but also intentional acts to “create animosity and conflict” between couples to get them to “duke it out” so that there is a clear winner and a clear loser who pays child support. Joint custodies and equitable settlements are not in the caseworker or agency’s best interest. Bonuses are tied to some amount of child support being paid through their offices.

    The Family Court judges get a “judicial award”. Every State has constitutional law that prevents a judge from being paid in relation to the “performance on his bench.” So it is commonly paid as an “award” to the judge’s retirement fund. Whether now or later, the judge personally profits by his acts. Further, that over-imputation of wages now comes into play, where the alleged amount owed is directly relevant to the amount of State and Federal funding. The higher the amounts owed, the bigger the paychecks.

    Much of that State and Federal funding also goes to the courts and offices, which run the Family Law system. Besides these personal incentives, their professional “enterprise” gets more money to employ more people, and get new technology to pursue “the money” more effectively.

    Virtually every responsible economist recognizes that the billions of dollars of child support supposed unpaid is not likely to ever be paid. Most experts agree that at least 90% of it is the product of the zealous fantasies of the public servants running these programs; and that the people who supposedly owe this debt simply don’t have the money and never did.

    The Primary Hidden Costs

    Even with extensive research, it is nearly impossible to discover the “hidden costs”, very likely because they don’t want us to know the real devastation being wrecked on the taxpayer. Hidden costs start where the judge “puts you on probation” for failing to pay child support. Ultimately this leads to a warrant for your arrest. Neither the caseworker and agency head nor the judge care much whether or not you actually pay, because they get even more State and Federal funds for putting people in jail for failing to pay child support.

    The number of people in jail for failure to pay child support is a secret; and estimates range from 25% of all those incarcerated to 50% of all county jails. Either way, the numbers are staggering. First, the cost of incarcerating one person for a year is between $30-50,000. America has the highest incarceration rate in the world, at 1 person for every 147. If a quarter of those people are held for child support charges, the taxpayer for imprisoning “bad dads” is approximately $20 billion, or more than all the child support collected.

    Those people sitting in jail are not earning money, and therefore not paying taxes, ergo creating “lost money.” Many people have to hire lawyers, not to defend themselves from their Ex, but to defend themselves from their own government. The “divorce industry” is booming for lawyers, and is primarily why both the American Bar Association and Trial Lawyers Association have been instrumental in developing this system, and have a fundamental interest in promoting its continuation. Remember that the judges and prosecutors are lawyers too.

    Conservative estimates put these hidden “legal counsel” cost figures in the $100 billion range, and some experts suggest it may be as high as $200 billion. If incarceration costs run another $20 billion – or higher, and supposed “administrative costs” are about $4.5 billion, the American Public is paying a minimum of $125 billion to “collect a debt” of $18 billion. Remember that it still has not reduced welfare by a single iota and while the receivers of the child support do get “most” of their $18 billion, the primary receivers of the other $107 billion are not children, but lawyers and other members of the legal community.

    Approximately 25,000 men committed suicide last year. While we do not know the exact reasons why, because they are not here to tell us, we do know that 80% of them were “recently involved” in a Family Court case. That, on average, is almost 400 men for every State. We can’t even begin to estimate that price tag, except, sardonically to say, that none of them are paying taxes anymore either.

    Thousands more men languish in jails for crimes committed when the “snapped.” Having your children stolen from you, your house and all your property, often losing your job and then being put in “debtors prison” has a way of driving even a “reasonable man” over the edge. The recent events of the “East Coast Snipers,” whose story began in a Family Court on the West Coast, are only a small sample of the vast extent of this horrific policy.

    The Grotesque Hidden Costs

    It is our children who are and will pay the truly hidden costs, both in taxes, and in the quality of their lives. These programs are systematically, and intentionally, disenfranchising children from their fathers, because well, because it is good for big-government business.

    Those who have an interest in perpetuating this system would have us believe that this is the fault of “bad dads” who don’t care to act as good parents to their children. Of course, now we have more tax money being spent to encourage fathers to act like better dads, but have not yet recognized the true source of these problems never was the dads.

    Most dads do care very much about their kids, but these government programs are very much designed to drive them away in droves. Teaching “parenting skills” to a man who cannot afford to eat because of governmental extortions, is a futile scam, aimed solely at political pacification of “the masses” and not a purposeful address of the problems.

    Children who are so disenfranchised from a father’s “guidance and counsel” are:

    5 times more likely to commit suicide.
    32 times more likely to run away.
    20 times more likely to have behavioral disorders.
    14 times more likely to commit rape: This applies to boys of course.
    9 times more likely to drop out of high school.
    10 times more likely to abuse chemical substances.
    9 times more likely to end up in a state-operated institution.
    20 times more like to end up in prison.

    All of the above are serious societal problems that, of course, require more tax money; but now to deal with all the bad kids they have purposefully created. Incidentally, those “bad boys” are also significantly more likely to become “bad dads” themselves. It is a downward spiraling system that can only ultimately get much worse. We cannot even begin to estimate the future fiscal costs to taxpayers, much less to the “fiber” of our society.

    Band-Aids For A Cancer Patient

    Recently, many states have announced legislative “studies”, introduced new legislation, or “amended” some of their “family law” system. Virtually all of it is akin to putting band-aids on a cancer patient. These committees consistently are composed of “family court” judges, family law attorneys, and caseworkers; and all are the very people whose greatest interest is in continuation of the status quo. A recent legislative study in Ohio is a prime case in point – the committee members were exactly as that stated above.

    Beyond that, one of the most powerful key components is the Federal “guidelines and standards” which dictate formulas and rules to the State. Failing to meet those Federal formulas and rules means the reduction or complete cutting-off of those crucial Federal funds. It is these Federal funds that drive the States, and the incentive/bonus system, paid from those funds, that drives the people working for the legal system. Lawyers are driven by the lucrative hoard of litigation it all creates.

    Many students of socio/economic political systems now acknowledge that the current system of Family Law in this country is nearly identical to the system used in the “old USSR.” Many also maintain that that system was, in large part, responsible for the collapse of that government. Our Family Law system is an abject socialism, not just “a little” socialistic, but a disease-ridden, corrupt socialism that will ultimately destroy us.

    To suggest “something must be done about it” is woefully inadequate. “Who” is to do this “something”? Would we have more laws, rules and guidelines, and by the very people who are instrumental in designing and perpetrating this existing “plan”? Would we have more and bigger, big-government rule our lives? The answers to this are well beyond this author’s ability to even begin to suggest.

    Except that this author will say: Simply eliminating the entire child support system would save the taxpayer at least 100 billion dollars every year. It might also just save our society.

    This article was published without an author associated with it and it was on A Matter of Justice Coalition’s website. Reprinted with their permission.

    A Self-Proclaimed Psycho Ex-Wife Writes…

    May 25, 2008


    Dear LM & DW,

    My ex works for the [company deleted] in [city deleted] – he took out a restraining order on me because I drove him off the edge

    I love the double standard – they treat their wives like dirt and walk out – then get restraining orders because the courts offer them that convenience. [The] last thing they need on earth is a convenience – because they’ll use it – Congress needs to shut down this restraining order business – you should be able to get on UTube and post it like it is – I bought my husband’s name on a website address – that’s also a good one!

    Now I get arrested if I even go to [city deleted]. I’m barred from entering [city deleted]. Says that right on the order. So I’m going over to [Deleted] Court and bar something else – hopefully him from walking around without a prison uniform on.

    S.


    Reminders of just how good I actually have it just pop up sometimes. This actually came to us with the subject line: I am a psycho ex-wife!

    Ready to Make Love to the Dog After 2-1/2 Months

    May 23, 2008

    Not me! Her! I had the Kung-Fu Grip!

    While discussing some broader issues, the root of this August 25, 2003 exchange occurred the prior day. When PEW had come home from work, I was downstairs with the boys playing and watching some television. When I heard the door open, we stopped what we were doing and I said to the children, “Hey guys! Mom is home! Run upstairs and say hi, ask her how her day was!” When they charged up the stairs to greet her, I moved to the sofa and laid down.

    PEW came down the steps a few minutes later. I had my eyes closed. When she sat down, I opened my eyes and immediately saw “the face.” What had I done now? Well, when she saw me laying there with my feet up and eyes closed, she thought I was sleeping. The television on and the incomplete board game didn’t clue her in to the reality that we were just playing a game. My telling her that I wasn’t sleeping didn’t help. She just went off, launching into another patented expletive-laced tirade about sleeping while the children are running around the house unmonitored, how unsafe it was, etc. I responded angrily, without all of the foul language.

    Interestingly, this exchange remains fairly civil, despite it being another head-spinner.


    PEW: listen, we are going to have to make time to talk or go to the therapist or something
    LM: Ok. No problem.
    PEW: I’m very frustrated. I honestly feel like you’re constantly picking at me. i can’t stand it
    LM: Ok
    PEW: the longer things go, unaddressed, the worse I feel……and you just say ok?
    LM: It depends. It seems if we chat via IM, things degrade quickly. If you want to do it in counseling, I’m fine with that. I apologized yesterday for giving you the impression that I was picking on you. You have a knack for taking an isolated incident, and turning it into “always picking on you.” And despite your claims to the contrary, even an immediate apology isn’t enough. I just wanted to make something for dinner for everyone.
    PEW: well unfortunatly this is why things degrade….because you refuse to take ownership. I can’t tape record our entire lives
    LM: What part of “I’m sorry for giving you that impression” isn’t “taking ownership”


    Psychobabble-speak tends to annoy me pretty quickly. I’m not sure if she was reading books or talking to other disgruntled wives, but the phrase “taking ownership” in this context immediately makes me roll my eyes. Thank goodness we were on instant messenger. “Take ownership.” Please.


    PEW: we don’t spend THAT much time together these days, but when we do, you seem to be making snide comments about things or criticizing
    LM: What snide comments about what?
    PEW: this isn’t new
    LM: Again, since we “made up” – yesterday was the only bad thing. Unless you’re talking about your going out to Acme for a few things and coming back 2-1/2 hours later. Yeah, that bothers me.
    PEW: I went to Walmart…..and it wasn’t 2-1/2 hours later
    LM: Or having to go to your sister’s to personally thank your parents for something. Call me paranoid. Sorry. One night, you went out after dinner. And came back at 8:30. It was 2-1/2 hours.
    PEW: that was the night I went to Walmart then to PP’s
    LM: No, I’m talking about a situation before that. The Walmart/PP thing was the 2nd time.
    PEW: ok, well you can always go with me, you don’t want to. you don’t like to shop with me
    LM: ???
    PEW: what do you think I’m having an affair?
    LM: No.
    PEW: well why does it bother you. that I need some time to myself


    Did you catch it? Did you? It’s the borderline personality’s ability to set you up in the classic lose-lose situation. In one breath – complain that I don’t go with her. In the next, explain to me that she needs time to herself. A person just… can’t… win… in a relationship with a BPD. Perhaps “win” is the wrong word. You can’t have any sense of normalcy or fairness in a relationship with a borderline. They are amazingly effective at making you feel like you’re going completely insane.


    LM: When you tell me that you’re running a “few quick errands” I see no reason to go. And it isn’t as though you say, “I’m gonna go run a few quick errands, wanna go?” I figure you’re running out and coming back. I also figure it’s easier to get some peace [without] me and the kids tagging along.

    Here’s the thing… It’s just a small bother… but I know if I said I was just running out for a couple of things… and come back a couple of hours later… without a phone call… it would be a problem.
    PEW: trust me, I’d call you
    LM: But you don’t.
    PEW: but believe me, from now on I will say I’m going out for a few hours
    LM: Very good.
    PEW: I mean …you could call me. while i’m out and say…hey what happened to running out
    LM: Your phone is always dead, off, or otherwise I can’t get in touch with you. I tried to find out what was up yesterday… No answer.
    PEW: why no message
    LM: No reason.
    PEW: well I can do better with that
    LM: cool.
    PEW: but now we solved your problem, we haven’t solved mine
    LM: I won’t bother you about the “2-1/2 hours thing” anymore. I apologized immediately for yesterday. Is there something else I’ve been “picking on you” about?


    While it won’t last, I’m clearly trying very hard to keep PEW focused on her matters at hand. One at a time. Solve one problem, move onto the next. Otherwise, I am defending myself on 5 or more different issues, all at the same time, and they’re probably spread out over the entire length of our relationship at that point. CRAZYMAKING.


    PEW: it’s not the 2-1/2 hour thing….it’s the constant criticizing
    LM: Define for me “constant criticizing.” Prior to our lovemaking session the other night… we barely spoke for two weeks. Since then… there was yesterday. How is that “constant criticizing?”
    PEW: well that’s a good point right there
    LM: I want to stay and address the “constant criticizing” first.
    PEW: we barely spoke for two weeks…..we start speaking again…..and you start harrassing me about spending….taking too long at Walmart…….no food in the house…… where’s the love? i’m over living like this i feel like my mother
    LM: #1… commenting about your “running out” and not coming back for hours… is not “harassing.” #2 – If you can’t take my concern about spending as a legitimate CONCERN, and not harassment… I can’t help that. I can’t.
    PEW: well try
    LM: In two months, you went from having about $300 on the CC… To 800… To 1400. TWO months. Only 100 of that was “S1’s uniforms” I have an absolute right to be concerned. I didn’t say you were spending too much. I haven’t badgered you about what you’re spending it on. I’ve asked you NICELY to “please keep it in check.” That’s not harassing.

    Yesterday, I made no complaint about you not having food in the house. I was undecided what to pick because my choices were limited. That wasn’t specifically directed AT YOU. I didn’t say… “you’re not keeping food in the house.”


    She goes into the “shock and awe” effort – tossing a bunch of different issues in my face all at the same time. I don’t mention it in this exchange, but this is the credit card that I didn’t know she went out and got in her own name a few months earlier. I had accidentally discovered the statement and, upon reviewing it, noticed the increasing balance between June and August.

    Fact is, I’d say I was rather calm and understanding given the deception. I would pay for half of the ever-increasing spending she would end up putting on it the rest of the year. While sounding a little paranoid, I think she did so with “the end” in mind. I still think it was premeditated.


    PEW: and I wanted to go to dinner
    LM: Slow down. One thing at a time. Because we’re at a point where you still cannot differentiate between a legitimate concern (CCs) and “harassment.” I didn’t harass you about the CC. I calmly expressed concern and asked you to please “keep it in check.” I don’t want to go back to having $5G on the CCs again.
    PEW: well when we were at my brother’s you’re like “what are you buying?”
    LM: Because the more we have on the CC… the less we get to “go out to dinner.”
    PEW: well LM, the cc will not get to $5. $5G i mean. I’ve seriously had to question what benefits am I getting from being married besides being harrassed about everything I do and say


    She’s a liar. It absolutely went straight to $5,000.


    LM: See? This is what I mean.
    PEW: you say you love me, but I seriously feel that it’s not love for me, but fear of separation. because all this time we’ve been together we still have issues with the same things over and over again
    LM: Your issues never get resolved because you don’t know how to. You’ve brought up three things. 1 – I apologized immediately for. 2 – I’m allowed to express genuine, calm concern about the finances. You call it harassment and will just never accept it as anything but harassment. 3 – Taking way longer out that you leave me the impression with… I *think* may be resolved, but I’m unsure about that.

    So… now what? I can’t explain anymore on the points you raised. You either accept that I can be concerned about the CCs or not. You told me that you’ll do better with calling if you’re going to be longer. And yesterday, I can’t do much more than apologize for that. That’s why I say “ok” when you tell me you want to discuss it at counseling.
    PEW: I do, but I’m unhappy now, and I’m tired of being unhappy and feeling like I’m always inadequate. I want to move on, I want to be appreciated by someone
    LM: Conversation is done. We’ll save it for counseling. Thanks. It was a good try though.
    PEW: save this because I want to show it to him
    LM: Sure.
    PEW: thank you once again for forstalling my future
    LM: Not fair.
    PEW: i’m very fair LM. very
    LM: How about being excited that you would kiss me? How about being excited that you’re going back to take classes?
    PEW: well we would have kissed two weeks earlier if you had just taken ownership of what you did


    Doesn’t that make her sound so smart? “If you would just take ownership.” Nothing screams “someone is filling one’s head with psychobabble” than the sudden appearance of “take ownership.”


    LM: Do you always conveniently forget all of the good things? No, you want me to admit that I did something that I didn’t do.
    PEW: lots of people are excited for me
    LM: That’s not taking ownership, that’s being forced to lie.
    PEW: i was excited to make love too
    LM: And I won’t do that.
    PEW: i was ready to make love to the freakin dog after 2-1/2 months


    I’m not so sure that the dog would have been ready for such levels of affection. This is as good an excuse as any to send a reminder to the readership to help control the pet population – have your pet spayed or neutered. Props to Bob Barker.


    LM: But you were too busy enforcing your “we’re at an impasse” edict to change things. When you bashed me for not having dinner made that weekend you came home… did I call you out for “harassing” me? No. I said, “Gee, you know what, you’re right… I should have made dinner.” When do you ever say… “Gee, you know, maybe I was approaching things wrong.” Never. You never say, “Gee, LM probably was telling the truth about the sleeping thing.”
    PEW: and as far as not speaking for two weeks it’s for just this very reason, we get to a certain point and you say, that’s it conversation over
    LM: No, not only do you not believe it, you exacerbate things by telling me that I “teach our children to lie.” I say “conversation is over” because you start the blame game and taking shots [like] I don’t appreciate you.
    PEW: and it never resumes again until i’m just willing to forget whatever and go on, but nothing is resoved
    LM: I forstall your future. That’s not a discussion, that’s a bitch session. You always say… “We’re at an impasse and I don’t know when I’m going to want to talk to you again.” Then it’s my fault when we don’t talk, we don’t kiss, we don’t make love. You WANT to be at an impasse. You shut me out, and then blame me for not making the first move.
    PEW: no, you’re wrong. you NEVER make the first move. sorry but it’s true
    LM: When I do make the first move, you tell me, “this doesn’t make up for what happened” or something similar. It’s like a game with you.
    PEW: unless it’s just ignoring the whole thing. it’s no game….games are fun
    LM: I’m going to shut LM out, and then I can get mad when he isn’t affectionate.
    PEW: this is not fun
    LM: It is a game. You clearly indicate to me that you are pissed. You want to have nothing to do with me. Then, I’m at fault. It’s a game.
    PEW: no, this is my life LM and you are destroying it
    LM: I’m not the one who puts indefinite periods of “mad” on you. You do. That’s destructive. I never, ever do that. You do that regularly. It’s childish.
    PEW: that’s a load of bull
    LM: It isn’t bull.
    PEW: if you treat me properly we wouldn’t have to even be having this discussion
    LM: I try to be friendly, and you make sure you let me know that “just because we’re talking nice, doesn’t mean I’m not still mad.”
    PEW: you should know after 10 years where the problems lay
    LM: Then I go back to keeping my distance.
    PEW: you lie
    LM: This is why I tell you things like, “Let me know when the impasse is over.” Okay. I’m making that up.
    PEW: that’s your way of saying…..”we can’t talk about what’s bothering you PEW, because I don’t like to hear it, but let me know when you can’t take it anymore……no sex, no intimacy…and we can go back to the same old same old again”
    LM: PEW, right in this very text you say that things would be solved if I “take ownership” of “what I did.” There is only one translation… “if you don’t admit that you were sleeping while watching the children, I will remain mad at you.” What do you expect me to do? Have sex with you when you regularly and clearly indicate to me that you are pissed? You have an innate ability to want to be physically affection despite me “forstalling your future” – I can’t. Sorry.
    PEW: no, if you would admit you were sleeping, apologize and say you will not do it again…..and that you will not scream in my face for calling you on it….we could have moved on
    LM: That’s not normal for me. I won’t do that, because I didn’t do that. Sorry. You freaked out on me for something I didn’t do. I regret yelling, and I am sorry for that. I don’t hear you apologizing for freaking out, cursing in front on the kids again… and all of the things that you did wrong during that exchange.
    PEW: well, it certainly had all the appearances of sleeping
    LM: It sure did.
    PEW: and for that you should apologize. and you didn’t need to react the way you did


    This is bizarre on so many levels. It’s right up there with her often getting mad at me for something I did in one of her dreams. Yes, I am very serious. It wasn’t uncommon for me to be in the dog house for several days for some transgression I committed against her in her dreams.


    LM: I apologize for giving you the appearance that I was sleeping while watching the kids.
    PEW: I am a concerned parent
    LM: I promise you that I wasn’t. When S2 left my lap to go upstairs to see you, I moved to the couch and closed my eyes.
    PEW: well why didn’t it go that way when I came home from work that day. you just went from zero to FREAK
    LM: Because after getting pissed off at me the day before for “being tired” – you went off on me again.
    PEW: i deserved that
    LM: You didn’t ask for an explanation. You made immediate, incorrect assumptions, and started with accusations. When I explained the situation, clearly and rationally first, you called me a liar.
    PEW: well you didn’t even think that I was up with S1 the night before and then up at 5:30 to work in an exhausting environment
    LM: That’s why. Wrong again. I told you then, I’ll tell you now…
    PEW: and you had the nerve to close your eyes when I came home
    LM: I understand COMPLETELY when you’re tired. You operate like your tiredness precludes my tiredness. As if, because you worked hard all day, I have no right to be tired. You think I didn’t wake up when S1 did?


    Another creepy issue. I wasn’t “allowed to be tired” because she was regularly more tired than me. If she was tired, I couldn’t be tired. We’re not talking about – hey, don’t be lazing around and napping – she would get pissed if I simply expressed being tired. Crazymaking.


    PEW: no it doesn’t, but you never think of me
    LM: You think I didn’t hear the dog’s 2 or 3 asthma attacks?
    PEW: if you did you would have gotten up to greet me with the kids
    LM: How is my being tired “not thinking of you?” This is where your rationale defies explanation. At NO TIME did I deny your right to be tired. Quite the opposite.
    PEW: not really. only to you
    LM: It does. Now you just create things to be pissed about. If I did I would come up to greet you?
    PEW: no I don’t
    LM: When, in our entire relationship… have you ever “greeted me” when I got home from work? Now, I have to “greet” you?
    PEW: I say Hi when you come home. when we’re speaking
    LM: Almost EVERY single day you work, the first question out of my mouth was “how was your day” or “how was work.” When do you ever do that?
    PEW: this is ridiculous. at what point do we say that this relationship is not successful and never will be
    LM: Even when you’re perpetually pissed at me… I ask “how was work?”
    PEW: we’re going on 10 years together
    LM: But you won’t acknowledge that.
    PEW: congratulations LM. that doesn’t win you a prize
    LM: What kind of person tells another… “We’re at an impasse and I don’t know when I’ll get over it.” See how you operate? You say one thing, and when I prove otherwise, you say things like “well, that won’t win you a prize.” Childish. Do you see what I say “okay, this conversation is over?”


    Trapped with the truth – as usual – she gets sarcastic. I try, whenever possible, to avoid speaking in absolutes. When I use the word “never” when I say she never would greet me with a “hiya, how was your day” when I came home from work – it’s not an exaggeration. Never. It’s another atop the pile of things about which she would engage in projection. It was a very rare day when the first thing out of my mouth – even if she was in one of her funks – wasn’t, “Hey, how was your day at work?” It wasn’t out of force of habit, either. I was genuinely interested in finding out how things went. I would listen.


    PEW: I say I don’t know when we’ll get over it because you won’t talk to me like normal people talk to each other
    LM: I absolutely do. Yesterday was a prime example.
    PEW: and you generate your own version of the truth to suit you
    LM: I didn’t freak out. You didn’t call me names. I apologized. But guess what…? You still won’t get over it.
    PEW: yeah because I want to know when it will end. for good
    LM: It’s like not only can you not accept when I don’t accept what you believe I should acknowledge… You don’t accept things when I DO acknowledge and apologize. And you wonder why I say I always seem to be in a classic lose-lose situation with you. I don’t apologize, it doesn’t end. I do apologize, it still doesn’t end. But these issues are my fault.
    PEW: you apologized but we still didn’t go to dinner
    LM: You want to talk about “taking ownership” – you got a lot of owning to do in your own right. I DIDN’T HAVE THE MONEY THIS WEEK TO TAKE YOU OUT TO DINNER
    PEW: I DID. I SAID I DID
    LM: How do you have the money if you’ve put $500 a month on your credit card bill the last two months?
    PEW: the bottom line is, the therapy doesn’t seem to be working does it


    Did you catch it? When faced with the horrible truth – she shifts gears and gets away from it as quickly as possible. How did she have the money to go out to dinner? She didn’t. However, saying so would cross her wiring again – so dodge the question.


    LM: How? You haven’t gone to therapy in months. It doesn’t work unless you go. You’ve fallen back into your old unfair argument tactics. Something that was working until you conveniently started scheduling work for the mornings we were going to counseling. We need to revisit the fair-fighting guide.
    PEW: i’ve called several times trying to get a convenient time….when have you?
    LM: You need to stop deciding that you want to be angry for extended periods of time. See? Creating another argument. I’m available any time. ANY time. When you have the time, call and set the appt. I’ve set pretty much all of the others except the one that had to be rescheduled. I’ve told you that. Tell me when YOU are available, and I’ll be happy to call and set it. Weeknights, whenever.
    PEW: well it’s kind of difficult when the counselor is 45 mins away and you work during the day, I work during the night and on weekends….we have two kids etc…
    LM: That’s fine. When you find an available night, let me know, and I’ll schedule it.
    PEW: I need to work because in case you didn’t know….I buy groceries, pay tuition and I have to pay my cc bill
    LM: You’re avoiding the issue. And again going off on a tangent. You start by making thinly veiled criticism of me not calling to make an appt. I tell you I’ve asked, repeatedly, for when you’re avialable to go.
    PEW: the actual issue is…….if you do not love me admit it and lets move on from there
    LM: Now, you’ve flipped the debate to how busy you are and things. I do. I just can’t control how you dispense your anger. And I can change that.
    PEW: i don’t believe it, not at all
    LM: You don’t have to. But know this… I don’t make love to somebody I don’t love.
    PEW: I can’t change the way you dispense your anger either
    LM: I don’t make home with someone I don’t love.
    PEW: I don’t believe either of those things either….sorry love is the way you treat someone
    LM: Your inability to reasonably address issues and be openminded about others confounds me… but it can be worked on. And love is being able to accept apologies, respectfully deal with faults and issues.
    PEW: and love is putting someone elses happiness right up there with your own…..
    LM: I’ve worked very hard to do that. Have you? You have to want to be happy. Your happiness is predicated on never having an issue with your spouse. That’s an unreasonable expectation.
    PEW: well the fact is LM, I can’t give anymore to you than I have already………my prime is over. i’m tapped out, sorry
    LM: And as I’ve told you in the past, do what you feel you must.
    PEW: I need to get a little to get some spark of something to make me want to put any more into this
    LM: In the meantime, when you figure out a date and time where we can go back to Dr. P… let me know.
    PEW: you can see the schedule in the kitchen. and you say, do what you have to do?
    LM: Okay, then I will check your work schedule, make an appt.
    PEW: what I have to do I guess is either wait till the boys get bigger, wait till you meet someone else, or wait till I meet someone who can help me? I don’t have the wearwithall to do anything at this time by myself
    LM: And let you know. Have a good day.
    PEW: you’re never going to change
    LM: I have to get to work.


    Crazymaking.

    Dealing With YOUR Offspring Takes a Lot Out of Me

    May 21, 2008

    Well, it was almost the weekend of the bachelorette party which never materialized and probably never really existed. August 13th, 2003. More complaining about the kids. More wanting to just drop everything and leave the kids with me. More “I can’t control them.” More of the same critical examples that a custody evaluator or two decided did nothing to concern them with regard to her ability to parent.


    PEW: which one of the boys broke the tassle off the pillow
    LM: S2. Dragging them both around by the tassle last night.
    PEW: and who put the cactus in the pot
    LM: S2. I had to pull him off of the window sill twice last night. 🙂
    PEW: from now on there’s going to be sever punishments for wrecking my shit. they shouldn’t be touching my shit. they have enough toys here


    I had to laugh while re-reading this. S2 was something of a buster at times. Our home had a really large bow window with a deep sill. We could probably toss a twin mattress on it. Well, turn your back for a minute and S2 would be up in the window like a doll on display. Ahhhh… the memories.

    What’s a “sever” punishment? I guess now we’re going to step up to chopping a limb off for such egregious violations of childhood like ripping tassles off of a pillow.


    LM: Tassles are very attractive.
    PEW: no shit….i love those pillows
    LM: And putting nice stuff where a 2YO can touch it… is asking for trouble.
    PEW: these kids wreck every fucking thing I like. no LM…they need to learn. lost of people with kids have nice stuff. S1 is definately old enough to be taught… and if S2 is stopped while he’s doing it……he’ll eventually learn too
    LM: Yes, eventually.


    Will all of the people who have “nice stuff” like a flea-market tassle pillow left within reach of a 2-year old, please raise your hand now.

    *CRICKETS*

    That’s what I thought.


    PEW: did you make an appt with Dr. P yet?
    LM: no
    PEW: well you’re close to having your wish…..of having the house and the kids and everything
    LM: That’s not my wish.


    Well, it should have been!


    PEW: well your wish for me to just deal with being treated the way you treat me and put up with no sex and minimal companionship because your always busy doing something else…..aint happening anymore. you can have the house and you and the boys can destroy anything you want then
    LM: Again, you spoke of not being appreciated.
    PEW: i’ll visit them frequently


    My guess is that this is where I was to start begging, “Ohhhh… nooooo… PEW, that wouldn’t be good at allll… don’t say things like that!”


    LM: I certainly could be more aggressive in the sex department… but it’s hard to motivate myself to force you when you’re tired. I’ve NEVER turned down a sexual encounter to “do something else.” So, I can’t understand why you have yourself convinced that is the problem, but I can’t change that mindset.
    PEW: please…i can only think of one reason why a man could go 2 months without sex
    LM: You think what you want. Hire a PI.
    PEW: there’s only a few alternatives
    LM: Have me followed. Knock yourself out.
    PEW: well it would be great if you actually fell in love or something. that would be the answer to my prayers
    LM: Stop acting like a child. You just get mad and have a hard time letting go of your anger.
    PEW: if you say so LM
    LM: Over the course of the last 2 months, I’ve wanted to boff a MINIMUM of a dozen times. If you weren’t too tired, you were asleep in the boys room. One time, we were definitely going to go, and after you put the kids to bed, I came upstairs to find you in our room, in bed, in the dark, at 9:30. I apologize for not forcing myself on you.
    PEW: lemme ask you this….what were you doing downstairs all those times. you didn’t even touch me
    LM: Watching TV.
    PEW: please who are you kidding
    LM: On the PC. Either/or
    PEW: I know what are situation is ok, you won’t convince me that you want sex from me desperately
    LM: Should I be acting desperate? Trust me… I know how to relieve myself if things get “desperate.” It’s not that difficult. Your inability to let go of anger doesn’t help. That tacks at least a week onto the dry spell. Then it’s “my fault” when I don’t re-up with the overtures. Because I don’t know when I’m out of the doghouse.


    Ain’t that the truth! Let me tell you, it was early and often – the dry spells were so long. Thank God for opposable thumbs. It got so bad I was walking around like a real-life GI-Joe with the Kung-Fu Grip. I needed physical therapy just to get my fingers straight again.


    PEW: there’s always a dry spell…this is just another. in a long line of dry spells
    LM: Well, it isn’t me who is in bed at 9, 10 o’clock every night you’re not working.
    PEW: oh well, dealing with YOUR offspring takes alot out of me


    There she goes again! So, is it my fault or is she always tired and asleep by 9PM because dealing with “my offspring” takes so much out of her?


    LM: No doubt. But I’m not the one here who is railing against the lack of sex lately. If you’re tired, you’re tired. Like I said… I’m not going to force myself on you. As a person who I can’t remember having been up past 10PM this calendar year if we weren’t out at some function, I feel you have some nerve coming at me regarding lack of sex. I’m ready to go if you can find it in yourself to forgive my alleged transgression and move on in a loving fashion.
    PEW: well you know i can’t seem to muster up the humility all the time to ask you to step away from your forums….or your poker tournaments
    LM: lol
    PEW: please….
    LM: You please. I’ve hosted exactly 2 tournaments since February.
    PEW: maybe if you did something special for me every once in a freakin blue moon. never
    LM: Oh geeze.
    PEW: if you want it so bad maybe you should stop and buy a $5 bunch of flowers
    LM: ok.
    PEW: or get a sitter and take me to Burger King. yeah ok. I don’t deserve shit. I get it……and I’m done with it. same shit different year….only now I have 2 kids
    LM: Poor you.
    PEW: no not poor me…..because your a good Dad so you can have them… I can’t control them anyway


    Lack of finances aside… she deserves to be treated to something special, what – with all of the clear and convincing evidence that she did anything other than cause our home life to be completely miserable… complain about me… complain about the children… leave… threaten… she’ll never realize how often she should be thanking the Lord that I didn’t buy a big cactus and jam it up her ass.

    Why didn’t I do that? I loved my family. I loved my children. I simply wasn’t going to jeopardize that (for all the good it eventually did).

    GI Joe with the Kung-Fu Grip hopes everything is going well in your part of the world!

    2-for-1: The Wrecked Car & The Bachelor Party Plans

    May 20, 2008

    Today’s post is a two-for-one since both topics were discussed during the same IMversation.

    Part I: The Wrecked Car – is short, but interesting nonetheless. PP, the ex sister in-law, I was soon to discover – had periods of black-outs during her alcohol and pill abusing periods.

    During a visit to her parents in mid-July of 2003, we were leaving the cookout and walking past PP’s car (actually a loaner from EE, the ex father in-law) I noticed that the left side suffered damage and both the front and rear rims were wrecked. I’m not sure how the tires weren’t flat. I’ve damaged car rims hitting lifted & exposed railroad tracks at 40 miles per hour and those rims weren’t nearly as bad as her rims. She clearly had hit something with tremendous force.

    I looked up at her not realizing that EE was outside as well and I exclaimed, Holy crap! What the hell did you hit?!?! She gave me the exclamatory “SHUT UP” look. Surprisingly, at the time, she told me she didn’t know. I questioned how it was possible that she didn’t know given the level of damage, but quickly let the conversation die. Let me tell you, when I hit those railroad tracks, it sounded like a bomb went off inside my car. While the rims were damaged, they weren’t nearly as bent as hers were.

    The next day, I asked PEW about it…


    LM: So do you believe your sister “doesn’t remember” or “doesn’t want to tell.”
    PEW: i’m not sure
    LM: Has she ever told you ANY story before where “she didn’t remember” what she did? “I went home with a guy last night, but I don’t remember…” “I don’t remember how I got home, but I know I didn’t drive…” “I don’t remember the last half of [Nephew’s] Party” I think she knows… but doesn’t want to tell.
    PEW: she tells me stuff like that all the time
    LM: Okay.
    PEW: she’s a grown woman……what can I do? I can’t forcer her to tell me
    LM: Nothing. I was just idly speculating.
    PEW: i already told her I don’t believe her


    This was all news to me, even if it wasn’t all that shocking. What was shocking was the realization that leaving Aunt PP alone with the children was always a bone of contention between us and even at this point in time, PEW was STILL lobbying that it was safe to leave one or both of them alone with her.

    Somehow, PP managed to keep the car damage from dear drunk daddy and get it fixed. It wouldn’t surprise me to hear that somehow I was the one who paid for the fix given the vanishing finances from my own household.


    Part II: The Bachelor Part – is wild, but not for the reasons you might suspect.

    My youngest brother was getting married and the bachelor party was going to be a weekend event several hours away from home. My oldest brother and I were going to go together. We could stay at our mother’s home, which was in close proximity to where the festivities were to be taking place.

    I was almost always a designated driver at such events and chauffeur to many, if not all. It kept me sober, out of trouble… and kept more than my share of friends and family out of trouble, too. I did this for both of PEW’s brothers, more than one friend, and that was my main purpose for this event, too. On top of that, it has proven to be way more fun watching others make retards of themselves, vomit, get shot down testing their “mojo” on unsuspecting chicks at bars, or turn into complete boneheads at a strip club… not that any of those things took place during this particular event. *ahem*

    I “reserved” this particular weekend more than 6-weeks in advance and during those 6-weeks I was sure to remind PEW about that particular weekend. Needless to say, at the 11th-hour, PEW suddenly had some plans which she expected me to alter mine to accommodate. I didn’t.


    PEW: i’ll be leaving around 12:30. so what’s the latest you think you’ll be
    LM: 12:30. Sunday? PEW… I don’t know. I’m sure traffic will be murder.
    PEW: ok
    LM: I don’t know the extent, in terms of duration, of the party.
    PEW: whatever
    LM: Additionally, I can’t get a straight answer out of CAM because he ain’t talked to [wife] yet. In terms of us going together, separate, or what. I may get bored and leave at a reasonable hour (during the evening). I simply don’t have a clue.
    PEW: well I don’t understand why you can’t say to me…..at the latest i’ll be home…..4pm… 5pm. whatever
    LM: Because what happens if I’m not?


    Smart guy I am! I actually know the answer to this question. I suppose I wanted to see if she would be honest about what the answer was.


    PEW: but people with children just don’t go away for weekends when they have a spouse who also has commitments and stuff and say….. sorry I can’t help you…..on your own
    LM: Whoa. This may be the first time I’ve done anything not involving my family that lasts two days. I’m not sure when your plans were made… but I reserved this weekend more than a month ago.
    PEW: maybe we should talk via the phone….because I don’t want this misconstrued……
    LM: ok
    PEW: what’s that supposed to mean…..you haven’t done anything with your family that involves a whole weekend? have I? i’m confused
    LM: No no… you’re missing my point. If you make plans to do something… say… a girl’s weekend getaway… If plans come up for me… I say, “sorry, can’t make it.” I am really sorry I can’t commit to a time home. But I don’t know who, if anybody, I will be driving. When the party ends. When I will wake up from sleep. And I am absolutely NOT going to pick a time, not knowing, because if I miss it, then there will be a problem. The last thing I want to do is cause a problem.
    PEW: well I’m not putting pressure on you to be home at a certain time….but I have to get a sitter. and there’s a difference between needing one for an hour. or 6 hours. if it’s six hours i won’t go to the shower
    LM: I know that.
    PEW: if it’s an hour or two i’ll go
    LM: If it was someone else… not my brother… I would say… “I’ll probably stay for a while and come home.” Or if it was local. But assmeg didn’t want it local, so that makes it inherently more difficult.
    PEW: well it’s not difficult……you go Friday….come home Sunday….by 2 or 3 and you tell your brothers that’s your plan. you guys always make everything so difficult…..(you and your brothers)
    LM: I’m just waiting for information. And I’m sorry that it doesn’t help with the arrangements. Really. But it’s my youngest brother. Last to get married. I apologize that it’s a problem, but I simply don’t know when I’ll be home.
    PEW: what does that have to do with anything……the world didn’t stop revolving when my brothers got married
    LM: There world isn’t now, either. Look, I reserved this weekend a long time ago. If it impinges on your plans, I’m sorry. When I find out more concrete information, assuming I even do, I will pass it along.
    PEW: well you can’t freakin reserve a whole weekend when you have kids
    LM: Yes, I can.
    PEW: you have to have some game plan
    LM: Do you reserve a whole weekend when you go away with the girls?
    PEW: NO
    LM: Okay. You don’t go away on Friday night and come home on Sunday?
    PEW: you’re un….fucking believeable. unbelieveable


    PEW’s wires always got crossed when faced with the reality of her inherent hypocrisy. She was always a “do as I say not as I do” person. This is just another example. I had the courtesy to give her more than a month’s advanced notice, which is not a courtesy I ever got when the roles were reversed. When confronted with this reality, it’s “off to the races” with her mouth.


    LM: Okay, here…
    PEW: once
    LM: I’ll be home at 9PM on Sunday.
    PEW: I went away once and I was home pretty early. and I didn’t leave until late Friday
    LM: Since when is frequency or when you left the issue? I picked a time. 9PM. I’m very confident I’ll be home by 9PM on Sunday.
    PEW: asshole
    LM: Is that necessary?


    She asked me for a time. At least I had the good sense to pick a time where I was about as close to 100% certain I would return. However, we all know that any chosen time that wouldn’t allow her to go to this shower at the last minute would be the wrong answer.


    PEW: i wonder if your other brothers are responding this way to their wives with children
    LM: What way am I responding?
    PEW: you think VAM said to [his wife]…..I’ll be home when I’m home. no i don’t think so
    LM: Did I just not pick a time?
    PEW: an CAM’s wife is going to be 10 minutes away down there
    LM: I don’t care what she is doing.
    PEW: yeah and now i’ll have to cancel my plans
    LM: I don’t care what [VAM’s wife] thinks or what VAM does with her.
    PEW: because of the time you picked. i know
    LM: You knew at least 6 weeks ago… that I was going to be burning this whole weekend. 6 weeks, at least.
    PEW: because i’m the only one who deserves to be treated like an asshole. who cares
    LM: How am I treating you like an asshole?
    PEW: i was invited to something and i’d like to go and I can’t go if your not going to be home until 9 but you don’t care right
    LM: I’m sorry. I made plans.
    PEW: well i’ll remember this
    LM: Every RARE once in a while, we’ll have separate plans that don’t jive. This could be the first time EVER.
    PEW: PLEASE
    LM: Forget it.
    PEW: no you forget it
    LM: Go on, freak out. Call me names more. That’s adult.
    PEW: i’m gonna call [them] and find out when their husbands said they are coming home
    LM: Go for it.
    PEW: and see if they got treated like this
    LM: Treated like what? It’s always about you. How you’re “treated.” You press me for a time. I give you one. And I’m “treating” you some way. Your histrionics are ridiculous. I’m sorry, but like me, you can’t always attend everything you want to attend.
    PEW: no…..you’re ridiculous LM. no shit
    LM: If you make plans for a weekend, I don’t go places.
    PEW: I don’t attend alot of shit. ok. whatever
    LM: Now, I’d appreciate it if you would stop breaking my ass on this issue because it conflicts with your plans.
    PEW: my friend’s bachelorette weekend is 8/16…..i’m going
    LM: Which came AFTER this was already set.
    PEW: all weekend. mark it on your calendar. i’ll cancel the shower. i wasn’t going to go to the bachelorette thing. but she’s my last single friend
    LM: Ah yes… the childish “tit for tat” reply.
    PEW: we’ve been friends for over 20 years. i’m going. 8/16
    LM: What makes you think I would stop you?
    PEW: whole weekend
    LM: Super.
    PEW: make a note of it
    LM: Done. You’ve gone away for whole weekends (more than once, by the way) before.
    PEW: well if you had been a little moree helpful with the shower
    LM: Am I supposed to be upset about this? I have nothing planned that weekend. Go have a great time.
    PEW: i would not have gone to the bachelorette. i certainly will. i always do
    LM: Super. No problem.


    It’s like dealing with another child.

    We went, had a great time. Stayed out of and kept everyone else out of trouble. Everyone got home safely. That’s how it’s supposed to be.

    Anonymous asks, "What Do You Think?"

    May 19, 2008

    LM & DW,

    My husband had alerted our PEW that we would be sending a letter outlining arrangements for an intermediary before this — which we now can’t do. What do you think of this letter (we would send it registered, rather than email)? Is it provocative? Is there anything you would add or subtract? We have been writing emails to the children and have received no reply. They may not be checking them, they sometimes don’t, but we worry, naturally, about their actually receiving them.

    Thanks for your time,

    ~Anonymous…

    Dear [Yourpew],

    Unfortunately, we are unable to implement a third party intermediary at this time. Because the sort of emails you sent after the children’s Christmas visit must never be repeated, we, once again, request that you restrict your contact with us to emails consisting solely of current important information concerning the children. Any other content will neither be read nor replied to.

    Telephone calls should only be made in emergency situations regarding the children’s’ health, safety, and welfare or regarding travel and handover of the children when it is in progress and email contact is not possible.

    Please give the cell phone, number XXX-123-4567, to the children. It is to be theirs, and used for no other purpose except to contact their father, whenever they wish. It will continue to be paid for for this use, and it must remain charged and in working order.

    Please put in place an ongoing appointment for the boys to receive a call from their father on this cell [on Sundays at __a.m./p.m.]. If for any reason (work or travel) “He” is unable to make the call, he will let the boys know in advance and make alternate arrangements. The boys must check their emails, at a minimum, weekly on Sundays and reply to them.

    The travel arrangements for the week of [XX/XX/XXXX] are as follows:

    [Details]


    My suggestions would be as follows:

    Dear Yourpew,

    Due to your incessant abusive behavior both via electronic media and telephone, we will no longer accept any emails nor telephone calls which include foul language, abusive language, anything other than matters requiring urgent attention related only to the children. Please be advised, all other communications, questions, etc. shall be ignored – no exceptions.

    If a phone call isn’t an urgent matter pertaining to the children – we will hang up the phone without warning. If your emails aren’t an urgent matter pertaining to the children – we will not respond.

    We expect phone calls to the children to be answered by the children without discussion with you or any other interference. We will call on X-date at X-time. They may call us whenever they wish.

    These are the [specified] travel arrangements:

    [Details]

    Sincerely,
    Us


    Here is what to expect in response:

    – Rage, abusive emails and/or phone calls testing your boundaries. You will need to hold firm.

    – She will not answer the phone, in an effort to engage you. If you’re not prepared to take her to court over it (assuming she is violating an order) – there is nothing you can do about it. Prepare to never speak to the children again unless they are in your company.

    Do not do the cellphone thing – she will only confiscate them, not allow them to call/answer, or worse – start running up the cellphone bill to astronomical levels. I know people who have tried this with a high-conflict ex. Many people. Not one single success story. Do not do it.

    – She will never put in place any schedule for anything that is convenient to you. Don’t ask her. Don’t expect it. It simply will not happen. Not for phone calls. Not for emails. She wants you to rely on her. She will fail you in her ongoing, almost drug-addictive desire to have your attention, and not follow through on promises or agreements. The only way to get a schedule in place is via court – and when she violates that, you’ll have to go back. It’s the way of the high-conflict ex.

    I know that this is not good news for you, but it is your reality. It is not based solely on my experience but it is based on a wealth of experience of people I know with similar situations. The distance between you and the children only makes it worse. You almost have no recourse and for that I feel very sorry for all of you.

    ~LM