Letting Go After Divorce

Letting Go After Divorce

You married thinking your soul mate would be a great parent, and they were, they just weren’t the best spouse. There are now over one million children going through a new divorce each year. Though the courts are abandoning their once firm stance that mom is always the best parent, it’s often tempting for parents to fight for primary custody, even when the ex-spouse is capable and willing to share responsibility, to punish for deeds committed during the marriage. So how do you let go of the hurt so that you can both be great parents?

Counseling – It’s not just for married couples anymore. The circumstances surrounding a divorce often involve anger, betrayal, and even loneliness. Being able to discuss these feelings without bringing them into custody issues is imperative. Jeffrey R. Greene, Ph.D., LPCC from www.familytherapynet.com, says, “When the pain surrounding the divorce is absent or minimal, child-focused parents can work with one another toward the best interest of the child. When the issues that contributed to the divorce are unresolved, then co-parenting becomes challenging to impossible. One or both of the parents that may be struggling with feelings of failure, resentment, values differences, anger and other self-defeating feelings, would be wise to use the opportunity to establish a relationship with a therapist that can facilitate a change in their thoughts and feelings. Moving past old hurts requires letting go of one’s desire to seek revenge, minimize self-indulgence and stay focused on the needs of the child.”

Communication – While it’s tempting to keep telling your ex-spouse exactly how they hurt you, it isn’t going to change what happened to the marriage. According to Mr. Greene, “For ex-partners to get past distractions to their new mission of making joint decisions that meet their child’s needs without indulging in romps through a painful memory lane, the co-parents would be wise to establish rules or boundaries with regard to their interactions. When the co-parents have a healthy post marital relationship, their rules can be somewhat loose and ill defined. When the ex-partners are still embroiled in their pain or legal action, the rules and boundaries need to be explicit.”

Rae, divorced mother of three children says, “At first it was almost impossible for us to have a conversation without one or both of us exploding about some event that had nothing to do with the situation at hand. We eventually had to set a time limit on how long we had to complete discussions pertaining to the kids, and just walk away from each other at that point.”

It’s common sense to keep adult conversations away from the children, but often difficult in the heat of the moment. Scheduled phone calls after the kids are in bed, lunch meetings in a public setting, and even e-mail communication can all save children the added discomfort of hearing negativity. E-mail gives you several added advantages as well, such as the backspace button for those times when you stray off the topic at hand, written verification for schedule changes or other child centered requests, and the ability to prepare yourself for the interaction rather than being blindsided by a phone call during dinner.

Separate Custody and Child Support – It’s no surprise money is often a point of contention in marriage and is closely followed as a contention in divorce. While the amount of support the primary parent obtains from the co-parent is important, the interaction of both parents is what will build secure, strong children. Studies show that children growing up in fatherless homes are at greater risk for drug abuse, behavioral problems, suicide, dropping out of school, and are more likely to get in trouble with the law. Writing a check isn’t a substitute for fathers being able to engage their children on a regular basis, or even having the chance to be the primary parent if it’s in the best interest of the children. Studies also show that non-primary parents who have a significant amount of visitation, are more likely to pay their child support, making it a win-win for all involved.

Kids First – Most parents will tell you that they are fighting for everything in the divorce for the benefit of the children. Whether true or not, it’s often the children that are overlooked while the legal battle is raging on. “Children are always affected by divorce… always! Some are able to express their fears and feelings openly while others keep it to themselves. When a child begins to act-out or act-in beyond a reasonable amount of time… say 2 to 4 weeks, then they may be in need of some professional assistance. When children reach the limits of their ability to cope with stress and circumstances out of their control, some act-out… behaving in a manner that can range from hyperactive to irritable, from aggressive to verbally nasty, from rage to passive aggressive, and from inattentive to self-absorbed… while others act-in… depression, lethargy, academic underachievement, crying, suicidal thoughts, loss of interest, loss of social relationships, and disturbances of sleep and nightmares. When their behaviors are too much or too little for too long, consider a chat with their pediatrician, a psychiatrist or a mental health specialist,” advises Mr. Greene.

This article was written by DW and published in a parenting magazine.

More articles on divorce, custody, child support, parenting/step-parenting, among others can be found by simply clicking here.

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ADK Writes Again and it’s Not Good

LM & DW

Hi. I had contacted you over 6 months ago regarding our own PEW.

I am once again reaching out for help. Since our last e-mail to you, we have become engaged and plan to be married in 6 months.

Everything had improved for a while – we were doing parallel parenting and discussing NOTHING over the phone (since it’s not documentable means of communication). We had stopped responding to her e-mailed rants and only responded with bulleted texts or e-mails regarding relevant matters on his three sons (9, 7, and 5). I guess she didn’t like that very much, because 2 months ago she got a court-appointed parent coordinator. What might have had the potential to be a helpful situation has crashed and burned. The coordinator insists that the SMALLEST matter be solved in a face to face meeting between her, my fiance and the PEW. The PEW, craving contact with my fiance, relishes this and is constantly trying to bring up defining my role with her children, asking what the legal role of a stepmother is, etc etc. The parenting coordinator, who I am guessing was dumped by a husband in the past, indulges the PEW and will literally yell at my fiance. He has to go or he will be held in contempt of court. If he requests a new coordinator, there is a chance one could be a appointed that has binding decision-making authority. This one doesn’t have that (Thank God).

The latest extravaganza is her telling my fiance through e-mail that their oldest son has been crying a lot lately and has been writing very dark and disturbing writings and artwork. He immediately texted to speak with her over the phone (since that is an emergent issue). She calls, and begins to say how the 9 year old wants to break everything in sight, “including our marriage”, and that he’s “suffering” because of us getting married, and that she has disturbing artwork and writings from him. My fiance asked her 5 times to provide him with these. She hedged each time. He has now asked her for 3 days, and all she will respond with is “I think he needs therapy, so if you’d like to sit down and meet with me……”

I am afraid she is going to hide behind a blown-out-of-proportion 9 year olds concerns about his father’s remarriage to dictate whether I should come to school functions, sport functions, what my role should be, whether the kids should come to the wedding, etc etc

By the way, when this child is with us, it is all smiles and happiness, no tears, many drawings of us as a family with rings on my hand and my fiance’s hand, cards saying ‘I Love You,” etc……

Any advice you could give on this matter would be greatly appreciated. We don’t know what to do.

Thank you,

ADK

ADK,

Again, I’m sorry to hear of your troubles. I know it’s no great solace, but your experience with the Parenting Coordinator is not as uncommon as you may think. I’ve seen stories eerily similar to yours.

Like many of the players in the divorce and family court arena, there are those with inherent biases, experiences, thoughts and solutions that simply don’t fit a high-conflict personality such as your PEW’s. These idealistic people believe that everyone is an adult and if we could all just sit down in a room together and speak rationally, there would no longer be problems.

Unfortunately, in your case as you’ve described it – your PC is facilitating a dangerous situation. Your PEW having unfettered access to your DH will never go away. It is the antithesis of “LOW CONTACT” and will forever be the vehicle by which she can maintain and even escalate her reign of chaos on the entire family.

Further, your PC is clearly overwhelmed by the situation, biased, and most importantly – completely unprofessional.

My advice: Fire the parenting coordinator. Regardless of the risks involved with the next one, this one is doing you two no good and is further making difficult your lives with her lack of helpful problem solving, lack of professionalism, and abusive tactics. The PC has literally become the negative advocate for your PEW.

My fear would be that by allowing this pattern of experience to continue, you end up in court, and the PC provides substantial support for PEW and contends that you are the difficult ones.

In closing – as for the “stories” about the 9-year old… I would disregard them unless you hear or see for yourself that such behavior is manifesting itself with him. Keep your eyes on the situation. If I had a nickel for everytime The PEW said that the boys “cried hysterically” and “hating going to you” – not only would I be rich, they wouldn’t have as much fun nor appear to be the normal, well-adjusted kids that they are when they are with me. It’s another weapon used to make you two doubt yourselves. Don’t let it work. Talk to the boy. Tell him that you hear he is interested in art and writing and ask him to tell you about it – even share some with you. That’s how you find out what’s going on with him. Certainly the PEW is only going to paint a picture of worry, blame, and fear – even if it’s complete fiction. Don’t get sucked into the madness. Avoid her efforts to keep a high level of contact with DH. I have a 9-year old. They can be spoken to. They do respond. They will share with some kindness and patience.

Maybe the readers will have some more suggestions that may prove helpful or even better than my thoughts. As always – wishing you the best possible outcome.

Sincerely,
LM

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"Lovingly Confused" Poses a Serious Connundrum

LM & DW,

I am in the same position as you. I am the DW, although not divorced, my LM has a PEW.

She is currently trying to accuse him of child abuse. I’m almost positive it is in order to get rid of me. She has followed the same conversations and behaviors of those that I found on your site. My problem is, I am getting a license to be a professional counselor. I know my LM and I for certain are not committing abuse and never would. She has not called her lawyer or filed with DHS. Do I stick around or go incognito for awhile??

Lovingly Confused

Dear Lovingly Confused,

Having had CPS called on myself by our PEW, I will tell you what I wish I had done beforehand, what I did afterwards, and what I would do in the future. I may expand this to all ways to protect yourself as the significant other of someone with a PEW, it’s probably something that would come in handy for a lot of people.

First, I would file a letter with your licensing office, local police station, and child protective service organization relaying your concerns about the possibility of her filing false abuse allegations. It’s something I wish I had done. While it won’t completely negate the chance of investigation if/when she does file something, at least you will already be on record of suspecting it and have a starting point when speaking with authorities.

Second, as difficult as it is, I would never be alone with their child(ren), period. When it comes down to what the real parent says vs. what the new woman says, you are dead in the water, so make sure someone else is always around. While it’s noble to want to be a great step-parent, unfortunately the PEW’s make this impossible. Your first thought has to be what kind of danger you are in, because it is real danger.

Third, I find it to be a very difficult position to have to decide to be a partner, or make myself disappear in order to not provoke the beast. I’m just not the type of person to surrender in the face of a bitch like that. There are times when it seems LM makes it appear as if I’m in the background when dealing with PEW, and frankly it ticks me off when that occurs. I want her to know that we are a package deal, but that’s probably a personal issue for me, so my advice probably isn’t the best on this issue. In the end I think if it hurts your relationship to have to “hide”, then it’s not worth it. She’s going to be psycho no matter what you do, so I really see no sense in hiding. I also think that hiding shows a PEW that you think you aren’t worthy of being in their presence and your significant other isn’t proud of you. It’s all about them, so this is an issue I find difficult.

Lastly, in overall protection, if I could do it over – I would never allow her to know anything about me. She would not know my last name, my children would never have seen her, etc. Most importantly I would continue to keep all of our assets separate, no shared bank accounts, even if married, separate property, everything, because she will try to come after you. Keep any business information out of her hands, she should have no idea where you work, what you do, who you hang out with, your history, anything, she will use it for evil, no matter what it is.

Those are my thoughts – we wish you the best of luck!

~DW

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Parallel Parenting – How It Evolves & Implementation

Research on families of divorce suggest that there are primarily three styles of parenting for families after a divorce: cooperative, conflicted, or disengaged. Cooperative parenting (co-parenting) is the style used by families in which conflict is low and parents effectively communicate about their child. It is generally regarded as the most healthy outcome for the children and the parents. There is generally agreement on most parenting values, consistency in parenting styles, and debates/conflicts about the child(ren)’s lives are few.

In the aftermath of a divorce involving children, the parenting plan tends to move in the direction of co-parenting by default. The courts and all those who are a part of the divorce & custody machine love to see co-parenting and use that language often.

Unfortunately, the reason that families are in court in the first place is not because of their focus on cooperation and their ability to do so. Many a disagreement, even in intact households, have been about parenting styles. On parent doesn’t like the way the other handles a certain situation or situations. Personally, I’d like to see the language “parallel parenting” hit the mainstream due to this reality. Why do these conflicts continue during parenting in the aftermath of divorce?

1. Continuation of hostility that began during the marriage
2. Differing perceptions of pre-separation child-rearing roles
3. Differing perceptions of post-separation child-rearing roles
4. Differing perceptions of how to parent
5. Concern about the adequacy of the other parent’s parenting ability
6. An unwillingness of one or both parents to accept the end of the relationship
7. Jealousy about a new partner in the other parent’s life
8. Contested child custody issues
9. Personality issues/factors in one or both parents that stimulate/escalate conflict

Whatever the reasons, the parents’ inability to separate their parental roles from prior conflict in the marriage is usually the most significant contributing factor post-divorce. This conflict is perhaps the most important variable in determining how your child adjusts to your divorce. Even if one parent does whatever it takes to reduce the amount of conflict in the aftermath of divorce – the benefits to the child are significant.

The first step towards minimizing the conflict post-divorce is learning to disengage from the other parent. Disengagement is one of the possible styles of parenting after divorce. If you disengage, you create a no-conflict zone around the children and have limited contact with the other parent. With disengagement, you avoid contact with the other parent so that conflict cannot develop. Disengagement is a necessary first-step to reduce the conflict before you can move on to the next style of parenting… parallel parenting.

There are significant differences between co-parenting and parallel parenting. Simply put: Cooperative Parenting vs. Independent Parenting. It’s really that simple and that difficult all at the same time. The name is derived from a similar concept in children’s play. Research psychologists have observed that young children who play together, but do not have the skills to interact cooperatively, engage in a process of parallel play. If they are in a sandbox together or taking turns going down a slide, they play next to one another, not with one another. Each child is doing her own thing with the toys, and generally ignoring the other. When they get older, they will learn to interact cooperatively and play together.

Co-Parenting VERSUS Parallel Parenting

1. Child Focused /// Adult Focused.
2. Parents communicate regularly /// Parents communicate only during emergencies or matters of an urgent nature relating to the children.
3. Parents can communicate in person/via phone /// Parents communicate in writing (email, text, etc) or via a third-party (NOT the children).
4. Major decisions are jointly discussed /// Major decisions are communicated rather than discussed (unless prohibited by a court order).
5. Parents work together as needed to resolve issues related to the child /// Households resolve day-to-day issues independently of one another. Each parent makes decisions about the child when s/he is in their household.
6. Parents work together with the best interests of the child in mind /// Parents work separately with the best interests of the child in mind (as they perceive them).
7. Smooth transitions from one home to the other /// Transitions may involve substantial change for the child(ren) and exchanges may be done at a neutral location.
8. Schedule is flexible and changes are negotiable /// Schedule is inflexible, few/no changes are made, a court-order typically dictates the exact schedule and deviations are rare. Parents need third-party direction.
9. Parents can discuss issues between child(ren) and the other parent, cooperative discipline, extracurriculars scheduling, etc. /// Parents individually responsible for own relationship with the child and direct any issues between child and other parent back to them. Nothing is planned or discussed that would impact on the other’s parenting time.

Under such an agreement, the parents establish two separate and distinct households. Each parent is responsible for providing for the children their own sets of clothes, copies of important documentation (birth certificates, doctor & dental reports, immunization records, social security cards, insurance cards, etc.), shoes, hats, coats, school supplies… you get the picture! Contact should in written form and limited to short, factual information. (See my low-contact article for tips). Whenever possible, the transition should be made as third-party. A time frame in established, for example, father will drop child(ren) off at school in the morning and mother will retrieve the child from school at the end of the day. In this type of arrangement, there is a time buffer and that allows for a safe, healthy, no-conflict transition.

Where very young children are involved, it is important to share all aspects of your child’s functions with the daycare provider when you do the drop-off. Using the same philosophy, it is of paramount importance for parents to share detailed information with each other upon the exchange of the child. A useful tool is a “parent communication notebook.” In this notebook you will write down the highlights of your child’s emotions, behaviors, important health information, important school information, etc. during the time the child(ren) are with you. Complete the notebook in detail and pass it along to the other parent at the time of transition. I strongly recommend that you create the pages electronically. It is not uncommon for these communications to remain “one-way” and you don’t want your hard work to vanish into thin air without a back-up. Don’t let the other parent’s lack of cooperation with the notebook stop you from continuing to perform this vitally important function. This notebook should stay with your child so each parent can use it as a forum for preserving thoughts about your child and their needs. Always remember the focus is on the children. You should include no opinions about the other parent and conversely, ignore any “editorial” comments that are made by the other parent.

It is my experience and the experiences of many folks whose stories I have read that a person suffering from or suspected of having borderline personality disorder will challenge any boundary established by their target(s). The efforts you undertake in moving towards a parallel parenting plan and establishing boundaries and low-contact methods – eliminates much of the frustration that exists as you struggle to parent/step-parent with a high-conflict ex-spouse (BPD or otherwise). A firm, documented set of rules provides the structure by which you can minimize the conflict in the aftermath of a divorce with a difficult personality. It will not eliminate the issues, but will dramatically reduce them when you become disciplined enough to maintain them. Remember, you cannot control the other person – only how you react to them. It takes practice and you WILL be challenged.

Ten Tips for Successful Parallel Parenting

1. Maintain an attitude for non-interference with your child’s other parent. Neither parent has influence or say over the actions of the other parent.
2. Carry on a business-like attitude; use common courtesy.
3. Do not plan activities for the children during the other parent’s time. It may be better for a child to miss an event than to witness conflict.
4. Stay focused on the present.
5. Stay oriented to the task at hand.
6. Keep your children’s best interests in mind.
7. Remember the goal is to keep conflict to a minimum.
8. Follow up in writing all agreements and discussions regarding the children, and do so succinctly!
9. When communication and/or negotiation is necessary, use a neutral third party to assist you.
10. Keep an open mind.

Even under the best of circumstances (whatever that means), parenting is challenging. Adding on factors related to divorce makes parenting even more challenging. Although it is useful for parenting plans in divorce agreements to be comprehensive and specific, it is virtually impossible for every detail to be addressed in a document. But that’s actually a good thing. Why? Because children benefit as their divorced parents develop the ability to manage the details of parenting without conflict.

Do you really want to go to court and have a judge make decisions about your child? You know and love your child. So does your child’s other parent. If the two of you have nothing else in common, you will always have your child in common. You may need help to develop practical, efficient techniques to communicate and make decisions, manage scheduling, set boundaries and clarify expectations.

Resources for information about parenting styles and sources for some of the content of this article include:

Parellel Parenting – A Form of Joint Custody

What is this about Parallel Parenting?

Cooperative or Parallel Parenting

Is Parallel Parenting Back?

Coparenting Summary

Parenting Coordination – Implementation Issues

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Noncustodial Moms "Do It," Too!

PEOPLE!!! They deal with these types of issues, too! WhatEVER were you thinking?

Good afternoon,

Wow. I’m nowhere near being in your shoes, but I can strongly identify with many of the situations you describe. My PEH is less destructive, but equally selfish, clueless and wrapped up in his bubble of mememememememe. He’s certainly not BPD, but narcissistic? Oh yes. Passive aggressive? Yes. And his on/off ex-for-now girlfriend? She’s just psycho.

I’ve been devouring the blog with the kind of fascination that happens when watching a spectacular train wreck. I kinda want to look away. I’m happy it’s not me. There’s nothing I can do about it. … but wow, it’s impressive. And it so could almost be me.

DW must be a very strong person. My own DH has some difficulty with PEH…

I started implementing my own version of low-contact. Obviously, it can’t be no-contact because we have kids. And he’s not usually abusive or nasty or hostile enough for that to be a problem — although we did go through a spell — but the low contact is definitely achieving what I want. He’ll call me at work with some kind of inane request or comment about the kids. Silly stuff, that really? Didn’t need to call me for that… and then turn it into a moaning self-pitying rant about life, his friends, or mostly, his psycho GF/not-GF.

I used to — yes, I admit it — actually try to lend a caring ear and talk him out of his loathing or self-pity, figuring helping him be happy would benefit the kids — and I’m just that kind of person. I’d give him a pep-talk at least once a week, and other days, just listen to him vent. But it was like being a kleenex. Wouldn’t ask me how I was — and if he did, it was with the “oh, yes, I must not forget to be polite” tone of voice, and he wouldn’t listen to the answer anyway, and generally cut me off. When things were good with the GF, I was worthless and evil, and we ought to be more independent of each other. When things were bad with the GF, I was a convenient shoulder to cry on. So I started training him. Very slowly, he’s learning. Complaining and carrying on about himself and his problems is met with the kind of stony silence he can hear. No “mmhm.” Nothing. Then he feels awkward and switches back to the topic at hand, or trying to find a topic. Yes, all he wants is attention.

We recently went through a real upheaval, and this is really where I realized how firm I needed to be about the ways I let him speak to me. I decided to move — one hour out of the downtown core. Yes, that makes me the big evil woman. I’m not. Quite frankly, I have the right to have a life, and it isn’t going to be by continuing to live in the shit-poor area of town within 5 blocks of his cat-piss smelling apartment building that I will build one. And since I can provide something better than inner-city welfare area housing, I will. But oh he wasn’t pleased. It was an insult. The kids don’t need better than that. It was horrendously selfish of me to not make my life plans around his wants and needs. Suddenly, the kids were his life, and he wasn’t going to accept any change at all to our custody agreement (informal and adjusted over the years as needed.) Whereas before? He was bugging me frequently to take the kids on his days so he could go out or spend more time with GF. His main complaint was that he resented me “doing this to him.” Hell, I wasn’t DOING anything to him, I was doing something FANTASTIC for the kids, namely providing them with a house in a safe, healthy, fantastic neighbourhood, and offering the option of a school they could walk to without the need for after school day care. He had options, I was open to negotiation. His position was “you’re not allowed to move. I won’t let you.” No words about what would be better or worse for the kids. Nope. Only about how it would affect his schedule. His attempt at “negotiation” started and ended with his suggestion that rather than DH and I buying the house we’d put an offer on, we should buy a duplex downtown with PEH, so that we could live in the same building (and, *shhh* he could mooch off our income and profit from owning a house that he would never be able to afford on his own.)

Well, we made it through that. We’re working with the new custody arrangement, which sees me getting the kids every weekend except one a month during the school year, and 50/50 in the summer. And it’s ok, but I think his parenting is poor, and letting him have them more than 50% of the time concerns me. Oh he’s not mean or nasty or violent. He’s subtle and baby-talks them, and puts all kind of health fears into their little heads. He actually wanted to include in the agreement that if the kids “expressed a need to attend an activity” we were both obliged to take them because “the kids’ needs come before our own” — this in reference to him scheduling weekend activities that I would then have to take them to, regardless of our (DH and I) plans. I clarified that activities like gymnastics are not NEEDS, but that is how he parents. If the kids want something it is a need and he bends over backwards to provide it thinking this will earn their love and devotion. Damn straight, but only for as long as the catering to their every whim lasts. And I become the nasty mean parent because I don’t let them get away with it. But every time they go back to his place they re-learn that whining gets them stuff, and I end up un-training them all over again. It’s crazy-making. He doesn’t see how this is harmful.

For the time being, he’s off again with his psycho GF. And you know what? She wants to maintain contact with the kids by writing letters to them. Previously, the last time the split, they had a “visitation” day. She would come over on Tuesdays to spend time with them, as if she had any right to maintain a relationship with them. Now, she wants to continue contact by letter. I told him sternly what I thought, but he actually was considering it because maybe it would be good for the kids; they like her.

So all this ranting to say I’m reading the blog everyday. Your experience is bolstering and fortifying my own position and opinions… thank you for sharing and exposing so clearly the nitty gritty details of what it’s like to deal with a nutty ex…

Good luck!

“MommaFish”

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Interesting Educational Results! Let’s Take a Look…

Shall we? These thoughts are obviously biased, but I’m really proud of all the children – they’ve all shown improvement or sustained their regularly high level of achievement. Today’s discussion centers on S1 and S2. Keep in mind that I finally achieved shared custody mid-way through the second marking period (of 4).

How did S1 do?

S1 took some state standardized testing this year. Across all categories he finished at the higher end of the “advanced” spectrum. Yes, his parents deserve a lot of credit, but I must tell you, the bulk of his studying – he did, mostly without assistance, and did so consistently between the time 50/50 was enacted (November of 2007) and the end of the year when the tests were taken.

As for regular school stuff:

READING:

1st period: 90. 2nd period: 92. 3rd period: 90. FINISH: 96

In the subcategories, he scored a “3” (Demonstrates skills with accuracy and without support) on all of them, all year long except one. In marking periods 1 and 2, he scored a “2” (needs support) in the category “Classwork, accuracy, timeliness, and neatness.” Nice improvement since the 1st-marking period.

MATHEMATICS:

1st period: 80. 2nd period: 93. 3rd period: 98. FINISH: 94

In the subcategories, he scored a “3” (Demonstrates skills with accuracy and without support) on all of them all year long. Nice improvement since the 1st-marking period.

SPEAKING AND LISTENING:

No numerical grades for this category. In the subcategories, he scored a “3” (Demonstrates skills with accuracy and without support) on all of them all year long except 1. In marking period 1, he scored a 2 (Demonstrates skills with support). He finished up with three consecutive 3s in that category. Nice improvement since the 1st-marking period.

WRITING:

1st period: 88. 2nd period: 86. 3rd period: 98. FINISH: 92

In the subcategories, he vacillated between a “3” (Demonstrates skills with accuracy and without support) and a “4” (advanced level – with no support) on all of them all year long. Nice improvement since the 1st-marking period.

This was important, because despite his early high grades, the neatness of his writing was atrocious, but his content, sentence structure, and his ability to stay focused and provide details was always very good. His neatness, when he applies himself, is now very good and something I worked very hard with him to improve.

SCIENCE:

Only two marking periods for this: 3rd period: 94. FINISH: 93

In the subcategories, he scored a “3” (Demonstrates skills with accuracy and without support) on all of them all year long. Good work!

SOCIAL STUDIES:

Only two marking periods for this: 1st period: 91. FINISH: 90

In the subcategories, he scored a “3” (Demonstrates skills with accuracy and without support) on all of them all year long. Good work!

Art, music, library, physical education, and health – all 3s and 4s, though at one point he did have a 2 in music.

In work habits and social development he scored a “S”atisfactory or “G”ood across all categories.

Absences: Less than half the previous 2 years.

Teacher’s Comments: S1 has shown great improvement this year in his work habits. I am very proud of how far he has come. Have a wonderful summer and good luck in the 4th-grade!

How did S2 do?

Being in 1st-grade, they still only do the scoring system 0 – 4. Here is how S2 measured up this year…

READING:

1st period: 2. 2nd period: 2. 3rd period: 3. FINISH: 3

In the subcategories, he scored a “3” (Demonstrates skills with accuracy and without support) on all of them all year long. Nice improvement since the 1st-marking period. In all 8 subcategories under reading, he went from 2s to 3s from the 1st-half of the year to the 2nd-half of the year.

I wonder if the fact that he tells me that mom doesn’t read to him or with him and I do can be a good reason for some of the improvement?

MATHEMATICS:

Math was handled a little differently that all other concepts and there are no fewer than 20 separate categories under math covering counting, algebraic concepts, geometric concepts, measurement, data use and analysis, and numbers & operations.

In the subcategories, he was predominantly 2s and 3s in the first two marking periods in those items being covered. A “2” is Child is making adequate progress. Child appears to understand some concepts of problems and attempts to solve them. Child demonstrates an understanding of the concept of skill being assessed that is marginally short of what is expected.”

By the end of the third marking period, S2 rated a 3 in all categories.

By the end of the year, S2 rated all 3s and 4s. A “4” is Child is making progress that exceeds expectations. Child solves problems correctly and demonstrates a sophisticated and and well-articulated understanding of the skill or concept being studied.

He finished with nine “4s” and thirteen “3s.” In three of those categories, he was a 2 as recently as the 2nd marking period.

I watched this boy go from someone who was uncommunicative and frustrated with his lack of know-how to one who openly and frequently discussed the problems, looking for aid in understanding the problem-solving concepts – to getting snippy with me when I offered to aid him late in the year because “I can do it myself!”

(I made both boys into “private investigators” who use math tools to “solve the mystery” when doing math problems. It was a whole lot of fun when going over the “clues” together to solve the problems.)

SPEAKING & LISTENING:

In the subcategories, he scored a “3” (Demonstrates skills with accuracy and without support) on all of them all year long, except the troublesome ones. He rated 2s all year long in the sections for “listens to others” and “contributes to class discussions.”

His inability to listen well and follow instructions (the two go hand-in-hand) would be the chief criticism of the teacher all year long… and one I worked on, at times, badgered him about, much the same.

WRITING:

In the subcategories, he scored all 1s and 2s to open the year. (A “1” = Does not demonstrate the skills, even with support). By the end of the 2nd-marking period, he was 2 in all categories except one in which he scored 3. By the end of the third marking period he was about half-and-half, four 2s and three 3s. By the end of the year, he scored a 3 across all categories. Nice improvement since the 1st-marking period.

In social studies, science, physical education, music, and art – he was 3s all year long across the board.

In work habits and social development, he scored “S”atisfactory and “G”ood in all categories except those most critical. He closed with a “N”eeds Improvement for “listens attentively and follows instructions” and “demonstrates self-control.”

Apparently, the teacher says he struggles with being easily distracted by his classmates and easily gets enticed into clowning around, which means he needs to be retold class instructions and such.

Absences: Less than half the previous two years.

Teacher’s Comments: S2 has made great progress in reading this last marking period. To maintain this progress, I highly recommend that S2 continue reading every day during the summer. S2 has had some difficulty staying focused on his work. He was easily distracted by other students. I hope you have fun this summer and a great year in 2nd-grade.

Finally, a couple of my own observations:

– Improvement across the board for both boys in critical areas. S2 was the only exception with no great report cards on his classroom behavior and listening skills… which is kind of odd since he is the one usually listening at home and S1 is the one who needs to be told/reminded repeatedly about things.

– The results fly in the face of her oft-repeated assertions (as always, unsupported by any objective evidence) that their schoolwork (among other things) has been suffering since the custody change.

– The teachers did a great job. S1’s teacher, in particular, was very communicative and worked hard to help see that S1 turned some things around in the work ethic department. S2’s teacher, no so much in terms of regular communication. Despite a number of requests that went without response, I wrote asking her to inform me the same day of any ‘negative events’ so that I may address them immediately. This was a great help with S1 because regular reports quickly demonstrated for him that I was “in the know” on a near real-time basis and he wouldn’t slide by without me knowing pretty much everything. The lack of cooperation in that regard, even minimally, with S2’s teacher didn’t help me, didn’t help her, and obviously, didn’t help S2.

Still, these two teachers did a fabulous job.

Am I taking all of the credit on the home front? Certainly not. This is more about showing again that real evidence disproves yet more hysterical claims of the PEW. I know what I do with the children regarding their educations (and activities) and in some cases, what she doesn’t do – because the children tell me.

The kids were happy, healthy, and interested in “school” prior to the split & divorce and thrived in a classroom environment. While they continued to do well when I was NCP, there was some slight backsliding. Finally, since 50/50 and over the course of 2/3s of a school year – they’re achievements are back up again.

I hope I can keep that momentum going in all future years, too!

Thanks to the teachers. The boys got great big “atta’boys” for their efforts and results during the year.

Now… getting S2 to wise up and pay attention in class next year…

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Sensitive Objectives

In my inbox the other day comes a gem from POE, DW’s ex-husband. It was actually copied to both of us. I nearly fell out of my chair laughing.

You see, SD1 is about to embark on a course of study to close out the school year called “Sensitive Objectives.” You, like us, may be wondering what in hell that means exactly. Perhaps you already know that it’s the new, nice-nice name for SEX EDUCATION! *cue sinister music* It’s probably more along the lines of an early sex-ed, I mean, it’s only 3rd-grade here, and is likely focused on the functions of certain body parts in addition to all of the rest.

The school sent a letter home which looked curiously like a warning letter. We could only laugh at “sensitive objectives” over and over again. Toss in a high level of comfortability on the part of DW and I and a little girl who “doesn’t like to say the word penis” – we (see: I) made sure to use the word a lot during the ensuing conversations. It was quite funny.

Anyway… the email – the kind of email you get when you have a normal, friendly relationship with an ex-spouse, in this case, DW’s ex-husband:

LM & DW,

So we are sitting at breakfast and SD1 says, “Hey dad I have health class today.”

“Uh okay.”

“LM said I should tell you that it’s about sex and that we will talk about penises so you will be prepared and not faint.”

“Uh…”

So is she really having the sex talk at school today and I have no idea about it until after they started to talk about it? Email me at work and let me know…this should be a fun week.

~POE

She makes me laugh with her frankness. That is exactly what I said to her, if only so that she had to hear the word “penis” and “vagina” again. These words don’t seem to bother any of the boys, all SS1 could do is laugh at all of the penis and vagina talk.

My take is that it is more about the functionality of the parts more than it is a full blown (no pun intended) sex-education series of discussions. I guess we’ll see when the reports come in… after all… IT’S POE’S WEEK! *whew*

We essentially told them (both, even though SD1 is the one getting this education) to be prepared for what is to be discussed and be comfortable asking us any questions that they may have.

Too funny.

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Step-Parenting: Call Them Mom/Dad? Or Something Else?

That’s a question I suppose I’ve thought about once or twice since my split. I have pretty strong feelings on the subject. Is it okay for the child(ren) to call the step-parent “mom” or “dad?” I know what one of my siblings went through and when that was an issue. It cut him to his core. In his case, there was malicious intent, which is the worst.

I imagine that there are situations where I could see someone making an exception. They might include the death of a spouse, the complete disappearance of the biological parent from the child(ren)’s lives from a very early age, and perhaps others I haven’t considered. For the most part, I believe it’s inappropriate. In fact, for me, it doesn’t even matter how mean the ex-wife or ex-husband allegedly is/was. It’s demeaning and potentially alienating to the other parent.

I know others who have called the step-parent any number of things, my favorites include: “Bonus Mom” and “Bonus Dad.” (Credit to “The Not-So-Evil Stepmom“ for my discovery.) Now there’s a couple of honorable monikers! It just sounds perfectly honorable. Bonus Mom. Bonus Dad. Bonus Family.

The step-parent is not their father or their mother biologically and, particularly when there is a parent in their lives in some meaningful capacity (no matter how small), it’s a personal affront to the biological parent that cuts deep. I know that this is probably tough for some to swallow because I know more than a few step-parents who are, in every conceivable capacity, better parents to their step-children than the biological parent. I’m sure that I’ll hear some thoughts from those who have a new spouse who is their child(ren)’s parent “in every way that matters.” Still, there is something deep-down inside me that prefers to see the titles of “Mom” and “Dad” reserved for the biological parents in all but the fewest exceptions. This feeling is probably rooted in my own fears that this could have been a point of contention (deliberately or otherwise) in the aftermath of my own divorce. I think as the children get older, my fear wanes and the likelihood of that ever coming up is dramatically reduced, if not completely eliminated.

In our situation, all of the children call us by our first names. Except our own. There have been slip-ups, which usually results in laughs. I can tell you that I wouldn’t feel comfortable being called “dad” by DW’s children because of how I feel about it. DW could best be described as indifferent when I asked her for her thoughts as I wrote this. Regarding if my children were to refer to her as “mom” – it wouldn’t bother her one way or the other. As for her children calling another “mom,” well, that would require an entirely different analysis.

DD1 once asked if she could call me “Dad” and I simply smiled and told her that, “you already have a dad, sweetheart, but you can call me by name.” She’s adorable for sure. Another time she pipes up at the dinner table and says, “You know what’s really great about having LM? If Dad dies, we have still have another dad!” So, I referred to myself as “the backup Dad.” Other than that, it’s one issue we’ve manage to avoid over the years. (Can you hear me knocking on wood?)

If you’re in such a family situation, how has this come up and/or how have you handled this situation? Let us know your thoughts.

Other Step-Parenting Articles

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When You Look at Them, You Have to Stop Picturing Her

Stepmothering has never been portrayed as the easiest role to play. When you are dealing with the children of an ex-spouse who can create havoc at the drop of a hat, it’s probably the worst role to play in the entire world. When LM and I first started dating, I made sure to plan everything around the time we had the boys with us. This wasn’t always the easiest thing to do in the world.

I can remember one weekend where we planned on visiting an indoor waterpark at one end of State A. In order to get there we had to drive from State B, 4 hours to State A to pick up the boys, then drive 8 hours the other direction to get to the park in order to spend the weekend with my family. On Sunday, we had to reverse course to get the boys home. Total drive time = 24 hours, to ensure the boys were included. This was on top of the normal things we did to encourage time with the boys, including an 8 hour roundtrip drive on both Friday and Sunday every other weekend for 3 years.

Throughout the years, Psycho Mom would perpetually try to get the courts to rule that the drive was “unsafe” for the children. Of course she was unwilling to meet halfway to make the trip safer. Instead, I rode along to ensure that LM was never too tired to make the trip safely. I was never thanked for this. Instead, as can be expected, I was put down to the children. They were told things like their father chose me over them, I’m nothing, I hate them, I don’t love them, their father shouldn’t play with my children when they are here, only them, etc, ad nauseum.

Most things are pretty easily dealt with as I understand Borderline Personality Disorder. However, fear struck my heart one day last summer when a Child Protective Services worker appeared on my doorstep. Psycho Mom had reported that I was abusing the children, not only HER children, but MINE as well. She made an allegation that I left the children alone, who were 6, 7, 8, and 8 at the time, for hours, as well as some other things which were just insane, like we don’t allow them to eat ice cream. Long story short, I lost it. I took one look at LM when the counselor left our home and said “You have no idea how much I want to tell you to get out of my fucking house.” To his credit, LM just said, “I wouldn’t go.” If he had said anything else, it would have been over. I lost the will to want to be the sane one. I lost the will to keep trying. I lost the will to go out of my way to ensure the boys happiness, to try to build a bond with them, even to talk to them.

The past year has been a trying one. Trying to come back to liking the boys. As much as I hate it, I can’t express my hatred, anger, feelings of betrayal to Psycho Mom. It comes out in my apathy towards her children. When S1 lies about things, I see her. When S1 hits another kid at school, I see her. When S2 pees on the toilet seat, I see her. When I am planning vacations and special events, I see the problems and roadblocks that Psycho Mom will throw up, and I plan them for times the boys won’t be around.

I don’t think I can explain these feelings well, even to stepmothers that are in the same situation. Part of the problem I have is that so many of the behavioral and social issues the boys have, are the same ones their mother has, the ones we hate. I’m constantly questioning myself about whether this is their personality or just learned behavior from watching her. And then we come to when it’s time for them to take responsibility for their actions. I think this is the crucial issue that has been looming large over our heads. At some point they will have to make the decision to either be like their mother, or to go their own way. How will I deal with things if they choose the wrong path?

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How Do You Keep PEW From Destroying Your Relationship?

That’s a very good question.

G writes:

My question for you is how do you keep your ex from destroying your current relationship? It has to be hard. We’ve been in turmoil so long I worry that we don’t know how to deal without it. Or someday she’s going to say I’ve had enough.

Thanks for your site. It’s very therapuetic.

– G

G…

A couple of things (among many) keep PEW from destroying our relationship:

– We make sure that PEW isn’t the “most common” thread in our relationship. That is, we make sure that we have so many other things that make our relationship great besides our solidarity in protecting ourselves and the children from PEW.

– When DW doesn’t want to hear about an email or a phone call, I respect that. Sometimes, “enough is enough” and she just needs a break from the turmoil.

– I handle my own “crap.” There are times I ask for help and she does. There are times she volunteers her help and I accept it. However, it’s my problem and I need to always be the one to step up and take the lead in handling it.

– Never take her, her patience, her help, her love… for granted. The same goes in the other direction. Fortunately for her and us – her ex-husband isn’t a “PEH.”

– Never just “expect” that she will do things for your children like any old spouse. 4-years into our relationship, I still (and will always) ask if she can do something with respect to my children (and she does the same regarding hers). A pick-up from school. “Babysitting” if something comes up. A doctor visit. A phone call. Appointment setting. Those are our primary jobs with respect to our own children and we are thankful for any help we provide each other.

There may be others… but those are the biggies. TALK. TALK to each other. HEAR each other. Respect her wishes with regard to dealing with you dealing with your ex… or not dealing with your ex.

With regard to your situation, accept that her participation in this is voluntary and never forget, she can quit and she would be perfectly within her right to do so. Dealing with a psycho ex-wife like these is a monumental undertaking. Of course, you can quit, too. It’s a scary thought, but it’s a realistic one. Never forget that she is a volunteer in your mess.

~LM & DW

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