PEW Can’t Handle The Kids – Wants to Settle (not)

June 23rd, 2004 – PEW calls me distraught over not being able to handle the children. She says she wants a settlement of $30,000 and will give me primary custody of the children. This is actually the 2nd-time I’ve gotten a “I can’t handle the kids” phone call and have taken them off her hands for at least a night.

This will be another in a long line of agreements that will be rescinded. In any event, with the hope of a settlement being dangled in front of me, I spring into action, call my attorney, and hastily try to organize the details of how to get it all documented, signed, sealed, and delivered. The phone discussion where she was angry, distraught, helpless took place on the evening of the 23rd. I think I was on the phone (on and off) with the attorney all day on the 24th. I send her an email on the 25th…

PEW,

FYI >>> I spoke with [retirement company] again this morning and they informed me that I cannot take a distribution to settle the matter. It must be a “Qualifed Domestic Relations Order“ of transfer into an account for you. That said… here’s an option for consideration…

– Settlement: I agree to a figure that will YIELD the $30G you’ve requested. Sign-over the van.

– Custody: I want to be custodial parent. It doesn’t matter to me how the language is worded, but I want to have primary legal/physical custody and we can agree to an appropriate level of time with each other as we discussed last night. You will have the flexibility to take them 50% of the time if you want… 40% of the time… 25% of the time… I will be happy to work together on that and make arrangements to accommodate you whenever possible.

Please do keep in mind that I am limited with what I can do with work, but so far they have been very accommodating to our situation.

– Support: To be discussed. So, if the above is something you feel you would be comfortable with, we could avoid any court for the foreseeable future. Let’s discuss and see if we can agree. If we can’t, no problem… we’ll just have to abide by whatever the court ultimately decides.

~LM

I took a shot. Keep in mind, I have no experience in a divorce of this significance and I was destined for frustration at every turn. Discussing matters one-on-one was intended to save both time and money. Reality is – it probably contributed to more wasted time and money than “just letting the lawyers handle it.”

LM,

I’m sorry but that just isn’t going to work for me. Tomorrow [my attorney’s] office will be requesting a hearing for equitable distribution.

LM, I need to buy a home and be able to provide the same things that you will provide for the kids. There’s no reason why you should have primary custody. I don’t “need” you to have them 70% of the time….you haven’t had them even 60% of the time. I’m not getting why you would even suggest that to me. I want to be with my children a minimum of 50% of the time. I really think that you are being unreasonable trying to keep a $300,000 home, while I live in an apartment. We should both be living in a $150,000 home….in the community that is best for our kids. Why is this so hard for you to grasp? Also, I have NO money this week…..I just got paid and I had to pay my rent. Please don’t make me have to borrow money from my parents.

~PEW

Yes, applying grade-school math to a very complex problem. She inflates the appraised value of the home by nearly $50,000 for dramatic effect. Then, given where we live – suggests that the end-result should be $150,000 homes (which is tantamount to a shed in the area that we lived at the time) for each of us. She loved making everything equal… equal work… equal fault… equal responsibility… everything equal… except when it favored her. Funny how that works. You do nothing to improve yourself in life, so take it from someone else. That’s “equality.” Her taking from someone else. Not an uncommon practice in the world of divorce and family court.

I did have more than 60% custodial time with the children in May and was slated to be the way things were for the foreseeable future given her “unchangeable” work schedule. So much for the best laid plans. It was as if her distraught phone call of the other night never happened and this offer of mine just came out of nowhere.

I wasted my time and my attorney’s time getting this all put together. Oh, and of course, she “has no money” (no surprise there) and it’s up to me to pay her way right out of the gate.

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Itemizing Home Contents for Pending Move

Now don’t be confused! After the events of this week falling under the label “2008” – I’m heading back in time again to the 2004 events. This was PEW’s itemized list of things that she wanted from the marital household. Most of this is mundane, but other parts are worthy of some fun commentary.

March 22, 2004

Here is the list of the items inside the house that I would like to have:

kitchen

Kitchen table and chairs
New pots and pans (my mom gave me for Christmas)
Roasting pan (also a gift from my mom)
Mixer
Toaster oven
George Foreman grill
½ of the glasses, coffee cups, flatware, etc….
refrigerator (possibly)

Keeping in mind that she’s moving into an apartment, I had to laugh at things like “the refrigerator.” Her list of major fixtures wouldn’t end there. Also notice the “gifts from” family list. Not unreasonable at all, but interesting considering the other items she suggests she “left” for me.

dining room

a few of the crystal serving trays
table linens
my mother’s china
my collectables


No problem. Pay particular attention to “my collectibles.”

living room

the palm tree
lamps
desk and chair

That’s flat out cold! No place left to sit… no plastic flora and fauna… and completely in the dark!

master bedroom

the bedroom set including the mattress
my dolls
mother and baby statue
little tv and vcr


DW would tell you today that she would have been happier if I had let that go! It was one of those bridge & tower bedroom sets with the large mirrored headboard (lighted) by Thomasville. (It’s currently used for storage in our garage. She hates it.) It was roughly a $5,000 bedroom set that I got at an auction for $35! Yes, I really did. I suppose no one else at the auction was prepared to move that monstrosity.

More of her “my” stuff (collectible dolls). Not a big deal… yet. In addition to the bedroom television and VCR, she would ask for the family room television and stereo, effectively leaving me with no home entertainment whatsoever. No sense of entitlement there… and quite the sense of fairness, but of course, I OWED HER – given the alleged hell I put her through.

kids room

toddler bed
dresser
fish tank
futon

Leaving a single bed and nothing else for the kids. Nice. At the time, they would be with me more than 50% of the time.

spare room

quilt rack


Whatever!

family room

ladder back chair
lamps
stereo system or TV (one or the other)


The stereo system was mine before we got together. The television I had paid for with the proceeds from a contest I won. And of course, she’s taking all of the lighting again!

laundry room

the washer or the dryer

What?!?! One or the other? Why not both or neither. I never did understand that considering that few apartments (in her price range on her earnings) would having anything less than laundry facilities on-site or a set in the unit itself.

garage

a lawn mower (possibly, depending on need)
my bike
½ of the camping stuff
a trash can


Again – bizarre. The camping stuff? She never went camping nor had a desire to do so. Aside from that, all of the camping gear was given to me by my father!

backyard

brown sand box
grill
patio chairs

Where was she going to put a sandbox, patio chairs, and the monstrosity that was our grill at the time?

Miscellaneous

½ of the kids toys including any toys in the garage and attic
½ of the Christmas decorations and other misc holiday decorations
½ of the remaining antique light bulbs or dollar value
½ of the fan collection or dollar value
½ of the Hess trucks or dollar value
½ of the board games
9mm handgun
½ of any other collections that are in the house
digital camera
old camcorder
½ the DVD’s and movies
the computer my parents gave me for the kids

While having plenty of things on her list of “wants” that were either gifts to me from my family or owned before she was ever a part of my life, you’ll notice how she specifies what are her collectibles or given to her by her family.

Things that were “my” collectibles that she would want half of or half the “dollar value” included the items I’ve already cited and… the Hess trucks… the collectible antique bulbs and fans… the antique board games… any of the guns (which I owned prior to our getting together)… Christmas decorations (in part)… but that’s not the end of the fun and monotony. She’ll list the things she’s left for me…

This leaves you with the following:

Kitchen

Copper stuff hanging on the walls
Dishwasher
New microwave
Dishes
½ the flatware, glasses, coffee cups
coffee maker


The dishwasher and microwave were mounted fixtures which couldn’t be removed anyway. She is “leaving” those things for me. Thank goodness she was leaving me the $20 coffee maker. I’m surprised she didn’t ask me for a 10-spot “half value.”

The “copper stuff hanging on the walls” were used as decorative items. They were only old, rusty, tarnished baking molds.

Who the hell still says “flatware” anyway?

dining room

dining room set
your mom’s china
your grandmom’s stuff
½ the serving trays

Lucky me… she is “leaving me” the dining room set which I had owned well before we got together, my mom’s china, my dead grandmother’s knick-knacks, and half of the plastic bullshit serving trays.

What the hell do I need with serving trays anyway?

living room

sectional
table


FINALLY! Someplace to sit!

spare room

bedroom set

The bedroom “set.” Which consisted of a queen sized bed, mattress, box-spring… and nothing else. That’s not a “set” – it’s a frigging bed.

kids room

lamp
S1’s bed
Little table

Cool. Maybe the boys can sleep on top of one another when they’re here.

Master bedroom

Filing cabinet (less my stuff that is in it)

How can you not laugh at this? A cheap-ass sheet-metal filing cabinet (2-drawer) that I think I bought at Bradlee’s when I was 16 years old. That’s it!

Office

Computer
Printer
Snack tables
Lamps
Paper shredder
Desk
Sofa and chairs
TV, DVD combo

Computer – mine since before marriage, printer – a toss-away from work, snack tables (who cares), a small $10 desk lamp, a country style wooden love seat and chair I got at a garage sale… and I made a mistake earlier – she would leave me the 9″ television. (No, she wouldn’t – she took that, too.)

Family room

Sofa and love seat
Tables
Bar
Tv or stereo system
DVD player and VCR

The sofa and love seat had holes in it from the dog and the antique dry-bar I was storing for my mother. Gee, thanks!

Garage:

Your bike
A lawn mower
Tools
Trash can
Other stuff

A trash can, my bicycle, and my tools. You can’t get any more fair-minded than that.

Misc
½ of the kids toys including any toys in the garage and attic
½ of the Christmas decorations and other misc holiday decorations
½ of the remaining antique light bulbs
½ of the fan collection
½ of the Hess trucks
½ of the board games
your other 2 guns
½ of any other collections that are in the house
your cameras
new camcorder
½ the DVD’s and movies
humidor and cigar collection

Notice, I don’t get to keep half of her collectibles, but I get to keep half of mine. She likes to puff up her list of things she’s leaving me but listing “other stuff” and “any other collections that are in the house” – as if there were anything else. It just gave her the appearance of equal line-items. I was pissed that there were such other valuables like: “things, more stuff, junk, whatever is left in the trash cans, food, water.”

Humidor and cigar collection? With few exceptions, they were gifts given to me. That would be like me putting on her list…

– Your cigarettes.
– Half of your shoes and “collectible” clothing.
– Some toilet paper.
– Your eyeglasses and contacts.
– Your tampon collection.

I failed to notice the glaring omissions from the list where she would leave me with all of her rages, conflict, chaos, terror, horrible emails and phone calls…

Making this entire exercise more odd was that at this point in time, she didn’t even know where she was going to be living, yet, she was preparing a rather significant list of stuff that she was going to be taking to what one would reasonably anticipate to be a 2-bedroom apartment. Maybe she would just give it away or sell it, I don’t know. The bottom line is this – when she would move out in May of 2004, she would take almost nothing. Why? She would buy almost everything completely new for the apartment and do so on credit and, I’ve surmised, the promise of a windfall by her then-attorney. New bedroom SETS for her and the children. New dining room set. New living room set. New television. New kitchen set. All of those things she has claimed never to have been able to obtain (despite the list you see above). Ironically enough… on the heels of the news that her current home is going to be foreclosed on, this is the beginning of the reality that she will never see – it’s nobody’s fault but hers.

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I Didn’t Put Up With You for 10-Years to Walk Away with $20K!

I was going to pay some sort of penalty or restitution! Still, she’ll mirror my language and accuse me of having a “sense of entitlement” that is “baffling.”

It’s April 29th, 2004 and in the span of a mere 3-weeks, we discover why you can’t negotiate with someone with a high-conflict mindset, particularly someone having or is reasonably suspected of having borderline personality disorder.

From my offer of $25,000 which was rejected… To her demand of $30,000 which I agreed to and then she changed her mind…. To her demand of $35,000 which I agreed to and then she changed her mind… To her demand of $40,000 which I couldn’t agree to because I couldn’t make that much cash available to her. Eventually, I would offer her a full QDRO transfer of my entire main 401K (approximately $47,000) to keep the marital home, but she would reject that, too, because she was hell-bent on buying a home of her own as fast as she could.

You cannot negotiate with a BPD, especially with a negative-advocate attorney making promises that she simply would not be able to keep.

PEW: you fed the dog, right?
LM: yup
PEW: thanks. [My lawyer] should be sending a response today or tomorrow to [your lawyer] on the offer
LM: ok. Any insight? Or just a flat, thanks but no thanks?
PEW: well….it’s going to say that $40k plus the van is the minimum……if we have to litigate, i’ll be asking for more….and I’ll be having the house re-appraised because I believe the prices of houses in the neighborhood have increased over the past two months….

Yes, the “minimum.” More than half of the estimated proceeds of the home. The more valuable of the 2 vehicles. “Minimum.” Which means that no matter what I offered next, had I been stupid enough to do it a fifth time – wouldn’t have been enough. The never-agreeing BPD. The constantly moving target.

LM: Ok.
PEW: and no counter offer will be considered
LM: Very good.
PEW: and [my lawyer] thinks $40k is too little for me to be asking for
LM: Good for [your lawyer]. As long as the meter is running… that doesn’t surprise me at all.
PEW: but I told her, I’m trying to keep it as amicable as possible
LM: I hope you think it’s worth it.
PEW: i hope you think it’s worth it……i’m really starting to get very bitter about the whole thing

STARTING?!?! Starting to get bitter about the whole thing? It would appear from her clear and convincing words over the course of the last 8-years (at this point in time) – that she’s never been “unbitter” about much of anything.

AMICABLE?!?! lol… If this was amicable, I’d hate to see what was completely maniacal about the whole thing.

LM: It ain’t my fault. [Your lawyer] has you believing that you are legally entitled to some windfall.
PEW: no…I believe I am entitled to 50% of the equity in this house…..
LM: You have to listen to her advice.
PEW: 50% of your profits in the 401k since the marriage….. and 50% of everything else

Right. Got it. Notice the language… “your.” Notice the language… “entitled.” None of what limited assets she had counted. Only “your” 401K. Only “your” pre-marital equity in the home to which she contributed almost nothing at all towards mortgage payments, repairs, or other upkeep.

LM: The offer includes all that.
PEW: no…..it doesn’t
LM: It’s 50% of the TOTAL of BOTH 401 Ks. But hey… don’t listen to me. Listen to [your lawyer]. And we’ll go to court and abide by their judgement.
PEW: exactly. and you’ll wind up having to sell the house….which is what you should have done in the first place….
LM: We’ll see.
PEW: but hey…we wouldn’t be getting a divorce if you weren’t so pig headed, we will see LM.
LM: Pig headed? About what?
PEW: about this house….what it’s worth…what I’m entitled to…what you’re entitled to. it’s unbelieveable
LM: The appraisal is what it is.
PEW: this house would sell now…for about $280k. was what it was

We’d been in the house for less than 3-years at that point. We owed approximately $187,000. As I recall, the April appraisal came it at about $257,000. Pre-sale equity of about $70,000. (It appraised higher than I expected after only 2-1/2+ years… $60,000 more than the purchase price. She was cashing out at the perfect time.)

Still, she is in denial. Despite the appraisal, she still insisted that a much higher number was what it would sell for and somehow expected that she would walk into court, sans settlement, and be able to convince a judge that she was entitled to more.

LM: YOU act like I’m making up numbers.
PEW: i think I can get it reappraised for much higher
LM: Do you read any finance pages? You gonna keep getting it reappraised until someone tells you a number you want to hear?

She would do that, too… later and on her own dime. The house would appraise in October of 2004 for an additional $18,000 ($285,000) and give her the leverage she would need (in my head) to force me to abandon my attempt to keep things as close to “as they were” for the children and I as I could. Logistical convenience for all of us be damned. Maintaining some continuity for the children be damned. She wanted her money and I would put myself into a big hole trying to maintain the home completely on my own while paying child-support and temporary alimony.

I only wish my attorney had told me to give it up, go to equitable distribution, and take your chances with a judge (that were probably really good). The beauty of hindsight…

PEW: if we go to court…..i’m arguing for 70%
LM: You can argue for 100%… There is NO case law that will justify such a judgement in your favor.
PEW: we’ll see…..I have a REAL lawyer….you don’t
LM: ok
PEW: most people would take out a home equity loan…..or sell the house if need be……not you. why you need to keep this house is beyond me
LM: I’ve explained it to you countless times.
PEW: your sense of entitlement baffles the senses
LM: It’s not entitlement. lol. If I have to move someplace distant… The kids have to go into daycare. Is that what you want? The location of the school.
PEW: so it’s ok for the kids to live in an apartment when their with me…..because their dad refuses to give me half of my money so I can buy another house
LM: The flexibility of my schedule.
PEW: HA
LM: I offered you what is reasonably expected to get from the sale of the house. And if you think a court is going to say… that we agreed to have it appraised but you don’t like the number… so you can shop for another appraiser two months later…
PEW: I like the #
LM: …I think you’re sadly mistaken.
PEW: but prices have gone up. look around. sharply
LM: You look around.
PEW: i have
LM: Not in two months, PEW.
PEW: yes in two months
LM: lol
PEW: do you read the real estate section
LM: I’m not going to argue with your financial information, PEW. You keep paying your attorney for her magical math… And we’ll figure it all out in court.
PEW: listen I didn’t put up with you for 10 years to walk away with $20k. nope

Will one of my readers let me know when you can identify a time in (m)any of these discussions where she actually focuses on what would be most beneficial to the kids? Thanks in advance.

I think she really had it in her head that my keeping the house would someone mean that I “won” and she “lost.” Clearly, she wasn’t going to have any of that.

LM: ok I told you before, I understand your position. You gotta do what you gotta do.
PEW: and you’re gonna feel like an ass when you get in front of a judge. a big ass
LM: No I won’t. We’ve been married 7-1/2 years, PEW. Not 30
PEW: I am totally confident…that my lawyer….who actually works divorces every day….
LM: You do that. This is the same lawyer who first told you $1200 a month. And reality is just under $900 a month.
PEW: if I had full custoday. custody
LM: The same one who said that the van was worth $8000
PEW: that was full custody. i said that …not her. i gave her that figure and told her to work with it
LM: ok
PEW: she told me $13,000

…and yet, she never wavered in her belief that the numbers her attorney was telling her were achievable. Even with a glaring error like this, which I would easily refute with appraisals (cars, home, collectibles, if necessary) – and my constantly telling her that her attorney was making promises that weren’t going to be kept… even when she would correct an error like the above to make the disparity worse – she was all over “70%.”

LM: Is that all for now?
PEW: no…..are you ever going to buy any groceries or are the kids going to starve when they are with you. they both need sneakers too
LM: I will when it becomes my responsibility. When you move out.
PEW: are you ever going to clean
LM: Yep… when you move out and stop making a friggin’ mess of the place.
PEW: and…..as long as I still am on the mortgage…..I will be making sure you’re keeping things up around here
LM: Oh, I can arrange to change that.
PEW: i don’t make a mess. you can try
LM: Another in a long line of IM ambushes. Thanks.
PEW: ambush?
LM: You’re clearly agitated and on the attack again. And I’ve really run out of time for this with you.
PEW: you would be agitated too if you were me. i’m moving into a little apartment with my kids…..
LM: Your choice. Not mine.
PEW: and you….are keeping our 4 bedroom home for yourself…. and the 3 whole days you’ll have them. what is my choice?

Even today I’m not sure if that “3-whole days you’ll have them” was a tip-off that she would move to go for custody of the children, but if it was – I missed it.

LM: Divorce.
PEW: getting on with my life?
LM: Moving out. Yep. You set the wheels in motion, and then blame me. Convenient.
PEW: we wouldn’t need a divorce if you ever treated me decently
LM: Yeah, I’ve heard it all before. Save it.
PEW: i had to get a divorce to get new furniture. and paint however I want
LM: No, you had to agree to budgeting and savings… and instead, ran up thousands in CC debt..> AGAIN.
PEW: sure wouldve been nice if you let me get some new furniture…..would have saved yourself $40k. actually more than that
LM: So now you’re getting a divorce for furniture? You know how ridiculous that sounds?
PEW: maybe you should have taken me out to dinner every once in a while
LM: I did.
PEW: let me get my nails done. given me some money
LM: At least once/month until you wigged out on in January.
PEW: no……you didn’t
LM: Yes, I did.
PEW: i wish you had spent all the time you spent on the computer with me…..instead…. then we wouldn’t be getting a divorce
LM: Are you done?
PEW: no LM
LM: Okay… you keep typing… I’m gonna get back to work.
PEW: well, i guess i’m done…….but if you want to know why we’re getting a divorce, think about your cheapness….the screaming in my face…..the time you spend on your “hobbies”……if you could’ve changed one of those things…..maybe this wouldn’t be happening….but you couldn’t. 10 years fighting over the same stuff…..didn’t make one ioda of a difference in you. think about all the money you could have saved yourself. I hope you’re more unselfish in your next relationship. i would hate to see the kids have to go through this again. also…what kind of loving husband….saves every arguement that we ever had……that’s just sick. you wonder why I have been wanting this for a long time. you’ve been telling me for years that you save everything I say. the only reason I can’t say it in person is that you’ll scream in my face.

I can’t begin to tell you how many times she did this same delusional rant during the course of this process. Over and over and over again.

As for thinking about all the money I could have saved myself… I have. Anytime I did, it would make my stomach lurch… and I’m not just talking about the costs of going through these divorce and custody battles… I’m talking the entire relationship. I went backwards the moment PEW came into my life and it’s been a financial “downhill” ever since.

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She Would Forego Alimony – How Gracious Of Her!

My initial offer to her based upon the figures researched and provided by my attorney – was $25,000, split the retirements 50/50, and she could have the more expensive of the two vehicles. On March 25th, she floated $30,000. I told her I would do it, put it in writing. She didn’t. On April 8th, the figure became $35,000. It would be tough to liquidate things and make that happen, but again, I told her I would do it, put it in writing. She didn’t. Now it’s April 23rd and the figure has become $40,000. I now had enough. The ever-moving target and part of why you can neither negotiate and, oftentimes, mediate with someone suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder. I spoke about this in my post regarding formal, document court orders/agreements. Settling would mean giving up the intoxicating effects of being in conflict.

LM: Crap.
PEW: what
LM: I was just informed that the meeting has been moved to the Holiday Inn. So, I’ll be even later.
PEW: when on the 30th
LM: “Plan to arrive at 7:30AM” Yeah, on the 30th
PEW: my new phone #will be [xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx]
LM: k. Don’t forget… unless you’re going to collect mail at the house… to go to the post office and put in for forwarding to the new address.
PEW: ok. also…..I don’t know if it makes a difference…… but I was up all night thinking about your offer…….and I decided that the minimum I could take is $40k +vehicle……I’m sorry but that’s what I need get myself situated
LM: ok
PEW: that’s 15k more
LM: I understand.

Yes, the ever-moving target. The moment I would say “okay” to her next demand, she came up with something new. It only took me three times to realize that this was going to be a pattern and one that wouldn’t be resolved until she forced the sale of the marital residence.

PEW: i know you had said let it go over the weekend, but I can save you attorney’s fees for sending it over and my attorney’s fees for reviewing it. if there’s any big boxes laying around over there…..could you bring them home
LM: I’m sure I could snag a few.
PEW: ok, i’ll talk to you later…..i’m gonna call a mover to see what it would cost me to move the bedroom set. bye
LM: Don’t make a committment. Just get a price.
PEW: ok
LM: We could rent a truck.
PEW: i know but it’s a second floor apt. what a pain in the ass it would be
LM: Quick thing.
PEW: yes?
LM: You do understand that even if we sold the house, we have no shot at having enough to split to $40K?
PEW: well…..I think we do…..some Realtors are doing 3% and 4% total right now. it’s very competitive out there. and houses in this neighborhood are pretty hot
LM: ok
PEW: in fact [neighbor] might know someone. we would easily have $80 to split. at $40……I would forgo alimony. which would be about $8k when all is said and done. you think about LM.

Yes, not only did she have all of the (wrong) answers, she was generous, too! She would “forego alimony.” Lucky me! Nevermind that she wasn’t entitled to alimony. Just her mere belief that she was made it so. It wasn’t. It never was. She was simply not going to get alimony but for her own delusions possibly bolstered by the empty promises of her then-attorney.

On the matter of the real estate agents, she was only partially correct. Ours would only charge us 3%. However, most buyers came with an agent who would also demand 3%.

LM: I can’t do $40. That’s the bottom line. I have no shot.
PEW: ok…..I can’t do $25k, so now what?
LM: No idea.
PEW: if we sold…..you could easily buy yourself something smaller…..what do you need this big house for…..and the big property. i don’t understand. S1 is going to be going to school in [my town]. Home to them is where we are. i’m sorry but I honestly think if we went in front of a judge she would think that is a fair #
LM: I suppose that’s what we’ll have to do then. I don’t have a choice.
PEW: very fair….but if gets all the way to that point i’m going to ask for more
LM: I understand.
PEW: you do have a choice….sell the house….you’re being ridiculous
LM: Actually, I’m not. If the end result of selling the house is splitting what I’ve offered, why go thru the hassle? Not only will the attorney’s costs go up… but we’d end up splitting anything that needs to be done to the house. Moving expenses. Drag it out until we get an offer and a settlement date.
PEW: moving expenses?
LM: Moving to wherever we live. You to the apartment… me to wherever. Then, the logistics of leaving at 2:30 gets all screwed up, because I don’t know where I would be able to afford to live.
PEW: if we put this house up…..it would sell in two weeks
LM: I understand that.
PEW: did you see that eyesore on the corner of Something Rd…. sold in under two weeks…..for close to $300k

Sure, she was assuming that S1 would already be going to school where she was moving (he didn’t) and she was flat-wrong about home being “wherever she was.” The kids were very alarmed that they would be potentially losing the only home they ever knew and all that went with it.

Keep in mind, things were an “eyesore” in PEW’s eyes. Never mind that the house she references was larger, had an in-home hot-tub room, and much more updated decor and appliances. Reality is – it was an “eyesore” because she had a figure in mind for our home that was not going to be defeated.

LM: Okay.
PEW: every other house in this neighborhood has sold in under two weeks
LM: Well, you’ve told me your decision. And I understand your position. There’s nothing I can do to make $40K happen. So we’ll end up stuck. Again.
PEW: unbelievable. there goes the good relationship too
LM: I’m not mad.
PEW: i am
LM: I said, I understand. That’s fine. But you think if we sell, you’re gonna get near 40. I think you’re mistaken.
PEW: well there’s only one way to find out
LM: Go to court.
PEW: i intend to……and you do realize….a judge could say $60k or $70k. I hope you’re prepared for that
LM: I sure am.
PEW: Your lawyer isn’t very sharp
LM: A judge is going to look at the assets and split them. Your lawyer is filling your head full of shit that she’ll never be able to back up.
PEW: yeah……a judge is not going to say…..well after you pay commission….here’s what’s left
LM: Yes, he will.
PEW: they don’t deduct commission
LM: Yes, they will. A judge will say…
PEW: we’ll see LM……my lawyer is totally prepared
LM: If you sell the house and you end up splitting $50G. And he’s already offered you $25G. And he can justify reasons for keeping the home. He won’t compel me to sell. But you listen to your lawyer.
PEW: how could that be, when the house WILL sell for $270k-280k
LM: The more you do, the more you have to pay her.
PEW: that’s fine
LM: Okay.
PEW: i believe that a judge will give me more than $40k. we’ll see

She had every reason to believe a judge would just “give her more” just because. She is a woman in a family/divorce court system heavily biased in favor of mothers. It would stand to reason that she would go in there expecting that there was some likelihood that she could ask for the moon – and get it.

LM: I know, but you fail to take into consideration that the apron of the driveway needs replacement. We have cracked trim in the kitchen. A crack in the layer of the countertop.
PEW: so what
LM: The roof is going to need to be ripped and replaced.
PEW: not before selling it
LM: I understand that.
PEW: did you read the appraisal
LM: But these are things buyer’s will consider. I did.
PEW: no…they won’t
LM: Okay. No reason to discuss it to this level of detail. I’ll call my lawyer and tell him that you’re going to reject the offer outright.
PEW: exactly……
LM: The next move will be on you.
PEW: make sure you tell him what i’m asking for. send it anyway, so your lawyer can laugh at it too
LM: I gave it a shot based upon what I can do. That’s fine.
PEW: you can do $40
LM: No, I can’t.
PEW: all you have to do is take out a loan for $15k
LM: I can’t afford that. PEW. Enough.
PEW: well fine then, you can’t keep the house
LM: It won’t work.
PEW: well then sell the house. simple
LM: As I said, I understand your position. I will let the court decide what is fair and equitable.
PEW: don’t expect me to EVER have a civil relationship with you if you screw me on this house. never. goodbye
LM: I’m not “screwing you.”

When did she ever believe I was expecting a civil relationship?

The reality was, on my salary, I could just afford to keep the family residence. I couldn’t just “take out a loan” for $15,000, because it would put me over the debt-to-income ratio calculated to allow me a shot to refinance the home in just my name.

My last-ditch effort was to offer her a [i]transfer[/i] of my entire (main) retirement plan, which I recall to be somewhere in the neighborhood of $47,000. No taxes on me. No taxes on her. She wouldn’t take that, even though it was fully $22,000 more than she was legitimately entitled when you factored-in the pre-marital equity I had in the home (according to the state’s law). She wanted CASH and if I cashed that out, it wouldn’t come anywhere close to her last demand. I’d pay over 20% of that figure in taxes alone, nevermind the early-withdrawel penalties.

She was hell-bent on trying to buy real estate and a full value transfer of the retirement wouldn’t give her the cash she needed. She was always impulsive and impatient and this issue would be no different.

Another one of the big mistakes – not moving immediately to equitable distribution. I held out hope that something would change and went quickly through what little savings I had and into debt until I finally would cave-in later in the year and put the house up for sale.

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What is Injunctive Relief?

…because obviously, her attorney had already prepared a petition, had a hearing scheduled, and was prepared to make an appearance in court on the issue the Monday after this discussion, which took place on April 8, 2004.

On the heels of her hitting my collectible items as “rewards” for the children’s acheivements – I removed them from the house. Everything. The value of these items wasn’t anything outrageous, seriously. They mostly have some intrinisic, non-financial value to me, but were also items that I would be inclined to sell on eBay for a profit from time-to-time. I like to collect old toys, games, vehicles, but not outrageously so. These were announced targets for her and so I removed them from “liquidation.”

As she believed these items to be worth far more than that were actually worth, she enjoined her attorney to file a motion. She wanted an injunction against me to preclude me from liquidating any assets prior to equitable distribution being completed. Ironically, she was the one doing the “liquidating,” but reality never stops the PEW from being litigious.

The “fun” part of this discussion (not documented) was that due to all of the harranging over the alleged value of these items – for her own financial gain – I told her to apply a value to any items that she wanted included for consideration and she could keep those items and the dollar value she applied would come off of my side of the equation! That approach worked to stop future engagements of this sort.

PEW: listen….i gotta tell you something
LM: Hang on. Or tell me and I’ll catch up
PEW: i was on a waiting list for an apartment in [locale], $700/month……..and they called me back, I looked at it and it was very nice…… I put a deposit on it, and it will be ready May 1st. so I figured I’ll go full time ASAP. i’d rather be going into a house, but obviously that’s not happening any time soon and I have to get settled somewhere so I can register the boys for school. so, since it’s an apartment that’s going to change my list of things in the house that I would like to take
LM: k
PEW: for instance…..I can’t take the grill or a refrigerator or washer or dryer. i’ll find out when you can drop me from your insurance. health insurance. i guess we have to work out the car thing too, so we can work out that insurance issue? do you have any thoughts?

Yes, I do. Would you like the kitchen sink, all of the furniture, appliances, lighting, and everything else that is or isn’t nailed down?

LM: Okay. I was doin’ some stuff while you were typing. My thoughts are this… Just so you know… I’ll start with Monday’s hearing. It’s a monumental waste of both our time and probably a good bit of your money. The reason is… I’ve read the petition. And you are well-aware of everything cited in that petition. I explained the money. I explained the Hess trucks and matchboxes. You know that the [other collectibles] never left the house. I have EVERYTHING to back up all of this information that you already know… only, you are going to pay your attorney for me to explain the same thing to the judge. If you want to follow-thru on that… fine. But rest assured that the guns issue will come up. As will the fact that I explained these issues to you before the petition was filed.
LM: That’s #1. #2. Actually… back to #1. I don’t know how much this is costing you… my guess is about $500. Assuming that’s accurate… You’re spending more money than the things that you’re asking me to account for… an accounting that I’ve already done for you. Doesn’t make sense… but again… the attorney has to use up the retainer somehow.
LM: Now… onto #2 Settlement. I reiterate that it gets done as fast as you want it done. Pick a vehicle. Pick a number. Pick the stuff in the house. Have your attorney file THAT, as it is the single most important thing on the table. And we can get it settled. We can get it settled fast. Those are my thoughts. If you want to go thru with Monday… feel free. But I think you should save your attorney’s fees for something more meaningful.
PEW: let me catch up. the phone range. Monday is a petition for relief. it’s so that your support starts now instead of when things are finalized. i’ll call and verify that
LM: Call.
PEW: ok
LM: It’s a petition to account for the things I’ve taken. Account for them and/or return them. And account for the alleged “theft” of funds from the joint accounts. It has nothing to do with support payments.
PEW: ok, i’ll call
LM: And if you doubt me… I’ll be glad to show you some things at lunch.

What a moron. Her and her attorney. I guess I can’t entirely fault the attorney – the meter is running, if her client insists on filing an injunction for essentially meaningless items, why the hell not?

I should have just gone to the hearing. It wasn’t that I was trying to “help” her as much as I was just trying to avoid wasting my time.

PEW: I told you what the # was $35k, +50% of the earnings in your 401k. and a car. and some of the stuff in the house. you just need to tell me if that’s acceptable. i’ll cancel monday if we can work it out. i don’t need her to write up $35k, 50% of the earnings in the 401k and a car. you should know if it’s acceptable or not, right off the top of your head
LM: Let me ask you… What makes you think you’re entitled to half of my 401K?
PEW: well let me correct that…… 1/2 then less 1/2 of mine
LM: ok. Which car?
PEW: doesn’t matter. either
LM: ok
PEW: i don’t really have a preference
LM: So 1 car
PEW: ok
LM: The equitable difference between the retirements.
PEW: right

You’ll notice her number has now moved from the earlier demand of $30,000 up to $35,000. This is something she will do every single time. Once we start talking about one benchmark, it is raised to another… be it financial, real estate, custody… she was always moving the target and so we would never settle until I just had to “give up.”

LM: I agree to that. Which brings us to the tough part. The number on the house. You believe that number is $35K?
PEW: around there. but i’ll be reasonalbe
LM: Okay… And you are aware that my understanding is that I believe differently, right?
PEW: yes
LM: So… Assuming we can obtain information from Domestic Relations regarding that information that your lawyer failed to explain to you properly… regarding what I allege is not part of marital property… (Domestic Relations ultimately makes that determination…) We can come to a more accurate number.
PEW: which is?
LM: I have no idea. I’ll have to ask my lawyer to ask Domestic Relations…
PEW: what is Domestic Relations?
LM: Or however that works. Family Court. They have formulae for everything, apparently.
PEW: so, you are telling me that you don’t have a round about figure in your head?
LM: No… because… the way I figured it is probably completely wrong. And there is no sense pissing you off with a number that may not even be remotely correct.
PEW: ok
LM: Okay. That was fairly productive. Call your lawyer.
PEW: not really, because we didn’t resolve anything
LM: Well… We’re resolved down to a number on the house.
PEW: which is pretty much where we were before the conversation
LM: Yes, but just for the hell of it, let’s pretend this was a positive step. Actually… As for Monday… Wait until after lunch to call your lawyer.
PEW: why?
LM: Cuz I’ll show you the petition. I wasn’t sure you had a copy or not.
PEW: well i’d still like to go Monday anyway
LM: As you wish.
PEW: she gave me the impression that it was for injunctive relief
LM: I just find it odd that you won’t spend the money to have your attorney draw up a sheet of settlement requirements…

It really wasn’t odd. She wasn’t willing to put out the money for important stuff like settling! But Hess Trucks and matchboxes – that was important enough to pay the attorney to draw up petitions for injunctive relief.

The problem was, anytime I had my attorney draw something up that was in keeping with something we had discussed, she would nix it… and I was out the costs of having something we had apparently agreed to – drawn up formally. So now, I was putting the onus on her to draw up an agreement and go from there. She wasn’t entirely stupid – she knew if she drew it up and I agreed to it – she wouldn’t have wiggle room to keep raising the ante.

PEW: and i will call her to verify
LM: …but you’ll spend money to prevent me from stealing stuff out of the house that hasn’t been stolen. That’s lawyer speak for… Filing an injunction. The injunction is being filed to prevent me from taking things out of the house.
PEW: you’ve already told me that $35k isn’t ok with you
LM: And to account for anything that I have already taken out of the house. Your attorney baffles you with bullshit. You see “injunctive relief” and think payment… support… money. It’s not.
PEW: well i said i’d call her
LM: She’s filed an injunction to prevent me from “dodging equitable distribution” based on things you told her. And things I’ve already explained to you. Okay.
PEW: well where are the Hess trucks and the video games
LM: If you want to spend your money so that I can tell a judge the same things I told you… that’s your prerogative. I told you… my brother’s
PEW: so, that’s what you’re telling the judge. they are at your brothers
LM: I also said… I’d bring them back if you brought back the guns… AND if you promised not to start giving them away.
PEW: ok
LM: I’ll bring them to court. I told you before, the only reason I took them…was your threats.
PEW: well then there is the $2200 payment to Citibank
LM: And?
PEW: you’ve refused to help me pay my cc
LM: Tell that to the judge and I will show him $1500 worth of payments to your credit card from August – December.
PEW: which was roughly $600 more…..stating that I had a spending problem
LM: I never said I wouldn’t help you pay your CC. Quite the contrary.
PEW: you said, it’s my debt
LM: I said it was your debt when you refused to budget with me.
PEW: oh
LM: And you refused to stop charging up your CC. All water under the bridge now, PEW. And by the way… You did notice the dates of those payments, right? Fully A MONTH before I had any idea you were going to file for divorce? That’s what makes this all so confounding.
PEW: ok, well let me call and find out about Monday
LM: ok

Money, support, alimony, the collectibles, her credit card payments… but *I* am the guy who was always worried about the money.

The bottom line for me was this – I wanted to keep the house for the convenience of it. Especially now that her apartment would be within 15-minutes of the house. The kids could continue to go to the schools that they loved, have their friends, the park within walking distance, great neighbors – it was effectively the only home that they had really known and it was a great house in a great community.

It still causes me near-physical pain to think that we couldn’t just settle the house and move on for the sake of the kids. I was spending my money to try to keep the kids lives as minimally upset as possible. She was spending money because she thought her investment, when deducted from her anticipated take, would be more than she would have gotten just settling. That’s on her and her listening to that idiot attorney she had who promised her that this was “easily a 60/40 case and quite likely a 70/30 case.” I can’t imagine on what she based this assumption other than her client’s gullibility, because the duration of our marriage and the mundane level of assets didn’t relegate this case to anything more than a nearly flawless case of 50/50 (at worst for me).

Even today, despite netting thousands less than zero, she believes it was all worth it. What a shame.

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I Ain’t Donald Trump

We continued on this endless dance of figuring out what type of settlement was going to happen. It would never happen. I explain my position regarding how and why settlements with a borderline personality disordered person will never happen in a previous post: “The Greatest Custody Order/Agreement Clause.” Of course, I wouldn’t learn that pearl of wisdom until a year or more later.

It’s March 25th, 2004, and this go’round is insightful as to her frame of mind on a number of things… a potential settlement… what she’s entitled to… fearing for her safety while voluntarily continuing to live in the same house with me while house-shopping…

One thing was abundantly clear, though – I ain’t Donald Trump!

PEW: i don’t understand why you can’t tell me what your proposal is?
LM: It’s not my job. Sorry. There hasn’t been a conversation relevant to our situation that has gone well. So, it’s best if we speak to our attorneys about the situation as appropriate, and leave it at that.
PEW: well if you knew it was good, i would think you’d have told me, so I have a feeling i’m probably not going to like it. it’s ok though. i’ll wait if that’s the way you want to do it
LM: It’s the right way to do it. And know this… Whatever the settlement ends up being… it will be what we are allegedly “entitled to.” Whether you like it, I like it, or not. That’s the reality.
PEW: oh? why would I have a problem with that
LM: Nobody ever ends up “liking” it. So, what’s the point? We sell… that’ll suck. I keep it… you won’t like it. You keep it… I won’t like it. Nothing about this will be “liked.”
PEW: i don’t really care if you keep it……as long as I get the equity i’m entitled to
LM: Super.
PEW: which is at least $30k you keep saying i’m the one that is holding things up….but in reality if you just told me what you were offering I could tell you right now whether i’m going to accept it or not

Here’s what PEW didn’t realize at the time and, due to my caving-in, ultimately wouldn’t matter. She wasn’t aware of something called a “depreciating interest” in a pre-marital asset. In this case, it was the real-estate. More specifically, it was the down payment on the house that she was now leveraging as settlement in the divorce.

The prior home I owned fully 5-1/2 years before we were married. According to the rules in my jurisdiction, once you’re married, you are engaged in what is called a “depreciating interest” in the asset (real estate) at a rate of 5% per year. This means that from the date of marriage, I lose 5% of the value of the asset to joint-marital asset status per year. The Cliff’s Notes version of this explanation is as follows:

Downpayment on the house: $40,000 (at 100%).

Marriage Length at the time of filing: 8-years.

Depreciated interest for me: 8-years x 5% per year = 40%.

Therefore, according to the law, 60% of that downpayment on the house in question is considered a “premarital asset” and comes right off the top when calculating the settlement in a joint-property state. That figure = $24,000, which I would try to use as a factor in calculating what she was truly “entitled to.”

LM: So? If you weren’t living in the same house with me, I’d probably tell you. But at this point, all that would do is give you an excuse to crank on me, and I don’t need that. Talk to your attorney. There is nothing I can do for you.
PEW: fine….i’ll wait to hear
LM: Plus, with all of the bullshit in that ridiculous accusation you filed with your attorney to justify taking the guns, and all of the other bullshit you pull… why you think I would “help” you escapes me.
PEW: “pull”? you’re not helping me
LM: But… like I said… If you want to play hardball… We can play hardball.
PEW: i don’t
LM: You use your attorney. I’ll use mine.
PEW: what makes you think i want to play hardball
LM: Well, taking the guns and telling your attorney that I’ve been violent is playing hardball. I haven’t done a thing to you.
PEW: i said you were violent in the past

Yes, I owned firearms. Yes, I didn’t take them off-site when she filed. They were in a secured, locking case, and allegedly on the advice of her attorney – stole them from me. Yes, I was afraid due to her instability.

LM: But hey… if it means your attorney will tell you to take the guns for your own protection… great. Take the guns, but stay in the house. That makes perfect sense.
PEW: well, trust me, I want to be out…..you don’t have to believe that, but it’s true
LM: Sure.
PEW: and you’re keeping me here
LM: You “fear for your safety” You’ll take guns… but stay in the house. What a joke. lol. Really, it makes me laugh.
PEW: i’m glad you can laugh under such circumstances
LM: Yep. I laugh with sadness. Just another piece of logic defying moves on your part. As I said before… Your actions defy your words.

A couple of things defy logic here and yet, she was convinced that her story would pass the “stink test” in court.

– She took the guns and now was parroting her lawyer’s posturing by claiming “fear for her safety.” This is why she justified stealing the firearms. Yet, she filed for divorce official the first week of February. Here we are in late March (she would stay until May 5th) – and she is living in the marital household, albeit in separate rooms. How did she propose that she would convince anyone that she feared for her safety when this was the case? One would think that her attorney would also have advised her to move anywhere! Move anywhere but the marital residence to keep up such appearances.

– Her contention that I was “keeping her” in the marital residence was so bizarre one couldn’t help but laugh! She was free to go anytime she wanted to at least a dozen places while looking for sufficient housing. She didn’t, despite allegedly “fearing for her safety.”

PEW: well if you had just sold the house we’d both be outa here. the kids would be happily adjusting to their new circumstances just like children do every day
LM: Nope. I look at the bigger, long-term picture. And as usual, you look for instant gratification. And selling the house isn’t in the best interest of the children, me, and perhaps even you.
PEW: why is that LM?
LM: But it’s not up to me to explain it all to you, you wouldn’t believe the facts anyway.
PEW: i wish you knew what you were talking about
LM: Oh, but I do.
PEW: it’s sad but I have a feeling that we’re going to court. and i’ll have to spend even more money that I don’t have
LM: We don’t “have to” go to court. You’ll disagree with whatever offer is given. We’ll go to court. And you’ll find out that it’s fair.
PEW: that’s what i said
LM: But you’ll NEED to go that full route only to find out the facts.
PEW: or you’ll find out that it’s not
LM: That’s fine. Half house. Half retirement. An auto. Half contents. It ain’t rocket science. I ain’t Donald Trump. We only got what we got.
PEW: right but what we disagree on is what “half house” is and i’ll go to court to get “half”
LM: We disagreed prior to the appraisal. Now, we have to come up with the appropriate figure based upon the value of the home.
PEW: and who was right? i was right
LM: Which is what we’ll do. Yep… it appraised for more than I expected it to. That’s not news.
PEW: which is $30k conservatively. if you can’t afford that then call a realtor
LM: lol
PEW: because I ain’t taking less

This would be one of many “20/20 hindsight” situations. Had I known with what I was dealing – I never, ever would have put myself through this horrible, repeating headache of negotiating with her. I would have just said, “let’s go to court and let them decide” and rolled the dice. It would prove to be a very costly error over the course of the next 9-months or so as I was trying to handle all household expenses while paying lots of attorney’s fees, and child support + temporary spousal support.

If I could go back and do that all over again… I absolutely would. There is no negotiating with someone suffering from BPD. You either “give up” – or let someone else decide for you.

LM: Okay. So call your attorney… make the offer. And we’ll go from there. Tell her you want it done fast. Here’s what I want. Write it up. Hell, you’re paying her enough.
PEW: no, i’m waiting to hear what you and your lawyer came up with
LM: okay
PEW: i want to know what I ever did to you to deserve this

Yes, I suppose she really needed to ask. Of course, deserve what? I never quite understood that beyond the humongous sense of entitlement. Something akin to, “give me whatever I want because I’ve determined it’s what I deserve” – regardless of reality or law.

LM: Deserve what? You want the divorce… and you’re gonna get it.
PEW: did I not try? did I not go to counseling?
LM: Water under the bridge. It’s over.
PEW: is that right?
LM: What I think doesn’t matter to you anyway, so why ask?
PEW: well i hope you can live with yourself down the road
LM: Me, too.
PEW: knowing that you had to stick it to me
LM: I am sticking it to no one.
PEW: because supposedly “I” wanted the divorce. you want it too LM
LM: You sure did.
PEW: if you didn’t you would have done something other than buy a motorcyle to stop it from happening

CLASSIC B-P-D. Blame, deflect, project, mirror, play victim… it’s always someone else’s fault. There is always another hurdle to get over in order to save things. Always some more payment (in gifts, finances, or emotion) in order to keep the thug at bay.

LM: lol. What a joke. For 8 years you’ve been threatening divorce and walking out. Don’t tell me what I wanted too. This isn’t about a motorcycle. That has nothing to do with it. Those are the things you tell yourself to demonize me.
PEW: well you obviously never took me serious or you would have changed something in 8 years. i’m not demonizing you
LM: Our whole lives has been about what I HAVE to do for you “or else we’re getting a divorce.” Moving. When we moved. How we moved
PEW: i have nothing but nice this to say about you
LM: To where we moved
PEW: that’s a lie
LM: Every move we have ever made has been under threat of divorce. EVERY MOVE
PEW: i never wanted to live in that house anyway
LM: And like a jackass… I just did it.
PEW: we didn’t just up and move. it took 6 years
LM: Yeah… I “forced you” according to you. I know that story.
PEW: you didn’t just do anything
LM: Spare me. If we look there… I’m getting a divorce. If we don’t move now… I’m getting a divorce
PEW: like I always tell you…..you, me, and God know what has really happened in this marriage
LM: If we move further away from my family “I’m getting a divorce.” Every fucking thing PEW. No, I don’t think you do. It goes ALL THE WAY back to “If I don’t get an engagement ring when I want it, I’m leaving!”
PEW: and I don’t think you do. and I should have
LM: Everything, PEW. Everything under threat of relationship.
PEW: if I was a little bit stronger, I would have left
LM: Yeah yeah
PEW: we never should have been together….in the first place, i’m sorry. but we’re both to blame
LM: Right. 50% each. lol
PEW: you should have made me stick to it
LM: Same story, different day. Spare me. You’re getting what you want. And you’ll get it as fast as you allow.
PEW: if you had not persued “fixing” things we would have broken up a long long time ago
LM: Hindsight is 20/20. Now we’re “stuck” with each other forever. lol
PEW: 50% is damn right. not really. i’m not stuck with you….the kids are. i will be free to persue love again once this is all over
LM: Yes. You sure will.
PEW: and i can find someone who really loves me
LM: And I wish you the very best. I really do.
PEW: not someone who uses me for his own ends. and I wish you the best

Uhhhhh… yeah. That’s what *I* did.

LM: lol
PEW: i hope you meet someone. i’ve been wishing that for years. the only thing i have left to do is to apologize to your first wife.
LM: Well, I’m just glad that wish didn’t come true… but it’s only because I’m faithful and devoted. That’s funny, too.
PEW: HAH\
LM: See, you can still make me laugh.
PEW: faitful, devoted……to yourself
LM: Yeah. You have nothing. I know.
PEW: damn right. i have nothing. except the kids
LM: Is this where you go into the “poor PEW” routine?
PEW: nope because i am happy now
LM: Good.
PEW: very happy
LM: Super! Then tell your lawyer to tell me what you want so you can go.
PEW: and you’ll never convince me or anyone who knows me that I’m “Crazy” as you put it to my sister in law
LM: Yeah. That’s how I put it. Your sister-in-law is hysterically funny.
PEW: so concerned about me?
LM: Ask her what she said to me. About how you’re “acting like PP” and… “Do you think that the amount of time she spends with PP has anything to do with how she is acting?” And how… “Except for your brother M……, that whole family is nuts.” And I’m standing there telling her that she’s not being fair. What a joke.
PEW: trust me…..I know, she’s a bitch

Her youngest brother’s wife was an ally, until I tell her what she really said, and then she’s “a bitch.” BPD black-and-white thinking.

LM: Well… I didn’t tell her that I thought you were “CRAZY” But if that’s her interpretation of what I did say… I can’t do anything about that. Remember, your sister told you that I told her that you cornered me and attacked me. And that never happened. So, you keep listening to your flawed sources.
PEW: i take it all with a grain of salt
LM: Obviously not.. Their information was clearly part of the assertions your lawyer made in her justification for instructing you to take the guns. I’m “running all over town telling everyone what medications you take.” Please. And your paranoia about me trying to “rally your family against you”
PEW: why would you talk to J..?
LM: J.. and PP asked me some questions… and I answered them honestly in my opinion.
PEW: why would you talk to PP?
LM: I didn’t “talk” to her. On one occasion each…
PEW: ok LM
LM: They asked me some questions. And I answered them. That’s it.
PEW: it’s not important anymore
LM: But I’m telling you this… You better wise up with the accusations you make to your attorney.
PEW: we’re going to be co-parenting for the next 14 years and that is all that matters
LM: Because I’ll pull out our conversation about the assault your sister laid on S1… and all kinds of stuff to make this as difficult as you appear to be trying to make this.
PEW: what assault?
LM: So, just tell your attorney to tell me what you want, I will see if I can make that happen. When she blasted him across the face leaving a mark.
PEW: leaving a mark?
LM: Just keep in mind…
PEW: i understood that S1 hurt S2 pretty badly
LM: That this will get as difficult as you decide to make it.
PEW: you forget that we had ALOT of trouble when S2 was a baby
LM: So when you go to your attorney and claim “history of violence” I could easily do the same. And even talk about you pushing me on more than one occasion to “see if you’ll hit me”
PEW: i have no history of violance
LM: You… who “fears” allegedly for her safety. Kicking.
PEW: that was a fabrication of yours
LM: Scratching. Pushing. Yes you do.
PEW: lies you lie
LM: Sure… So are yours. Where does that leave us?
PEW: and I am a calm laid back person, you lie
LM: At least I have documented evidence.
PEW: documentation that you fabricated. they’re lies
LM: You keep telling yourself that.

If they were lies, then she was the one lying about it. Most of the documented evidence I have was in her writing! Further, despite her claims to the contrary, she never called the police on me, she never had police reports for domestic violence – because what little DV there was, she initiated and she left marks! My only regret was not calling the police every time (something I subsequently did every time there was a potential or developing incident and would retreat from the house).

PEW: i’m not scared LM. not at all
LM: You don’t have to be “scared”
PEW: i’m a good person
LM: I’m just telling you that if you think that this is a game… you’re mistaken.
PEW: and I have the history to prove it
LM: Sure you do. We’ll see whose holds more water in court. If you want it that way
PEW: well i’m waiting to hear from your lawyer. that’s where we are right now
LM: I just wish you would stop with the petty BS.
PEW: it’s stopped
LM: I don’t have the guns back. It’s not stopped.
PEW: nothing petty about guns. guns are very serious
LM: Yes, they are.
PEW: i don’t want my kids having access to them
LM: They won’t.
PEW: well they did
LM: No they didn’t. And I’ve already made arrangements to get a safe.
PEW: i gotta go, i’m waiting to hear LM what your propsal is
LM: Okay. Have a lovely day.
PEW: thanks

Many times she promised to return the firearms. If a locking case wasn’t good enough, I’d buy a safe. In reality, they were going to go to either my father’s house or my brother’s house because I didn’t want them to be accessible to anyone while this was going on… most especially – PEW.

I would float many proposals, starting at $25,000 + half the equity in the retirements, and her choice on the vehicles. That’s all there was to settle (aside from custody). The home. The retirements. The cars. That’s all there was.

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I’ve Been Watching the Market for a Long Time

As this journey progressed, I had become increasingly convinced that she had planned her “escape” for at least a year prior to now (March 2, 2004). It was the little things she’d do or say. The credit card secret and subsequent run-up all happened in the prior 12-months (roughly), lying about her earnings and what she was doing with the money. Then there are comments she makes like the one that is the title of this post. She’s been “watching the market for a long time.” Well, given that, at this point, we were only in the house less than 3-years, one could assume that there was only one reason for her to be doing so. At times, I allowed myself to get extremely paranoid, I would wonder if a future divorce was the reason behind her insistence on moving from my prior home shortly after she moved in. After all, she wasn’t on the deed and she didn’t contribute to the mortgage, therefore she wasn’t going to be entitled to much, if anything, had we stayed. It was a pre-marital asset and that fact is one that would be a bone of contention during the course of these of proceedings. As such, the profit on my prior house, which was used as downpayment on our (at the time) current house, was a premarital asset (mostly). This will be explained later.

Another early discussion regarding the marital home and living arrangements…

PEW: if we sold for $280k…..our proceeds would be $83k after closing costs…..NET. The house won’t sell for $280K, and I refuse to discuss the matter with you. If the appraisal indicates otherwise, then we’ll go from there. if it sold for $260k….the net would be 63k. i’m sorry it upsets you
LM: It doesn’t. If it sold for 260K. The closing costs and transfer tax alone would mean we’d net 58K. That accounts for no other closing costs.
PEW: ok. i guess we can just wait
LM: A rough figure to go by is 10% total costs (including everything). At $260K, we’d net approx. 50K
PEW: well i’m not going with rough figures
LM: I understand that.

When I was trying to arrange and prepare for a buy-out offer, I did so based upon what the expected net-proceeds would be if we had no other choice but to sell the house. This approach would be one that exposed who was really “all about the money” as things progressed. She expected that if I were to buy her out, closing costs and necessary repairs that would be required to sell the house be excluded from the offer. Literally, if I didn’t offer her more than what would be the net-proceeds of the house, she would attempt to force the sale of the home through litigation.

PEW: i used a proceeds calculator
LM: That’s why I said that after the appraisal comes back, call a realtor and we’ll ask him to figure in all the costs.
PEW: just based on what is available in [our area] right now. a 4br 2ba home. goes for $285k
LM: You’re not correct.
PEW: i’ve been watching the market for a long time. ok

I’m certain that was true. Given that around this time in 2004, the real estate market was just in the beginning of it’s radical upswing, it started to become clearer to me that this would be her best opportunity to cash-out for the maximum possible amount.

LM: They may LIST for that, but they’re not selling for that.
PEW: look for yourself. ok. we’re done
LM: The list you left up for me a few weeks ago showed that homes in our area have sold for an average of around 240. With a high of the 270 that you showed me. That’s the reality.
PEW: that wasn’t even a current list
LM: I sorted by homes that sold most recently.
PEW: the lastest sales shown on that list were spring last year
LM: In the last year or so… They’ve ranged from 174 – 270
PEW: ok
LM: Most were between 220-250 And us talking about it doesn’t matter. So why bother?
PEW: i know
LM: We get the appraisal, we figure it out, and then we go from there.
PEW: silly me….i’m trying to plan my life
LM: It’s pretty cut and dry.

That she was. HER life. She was trying to plan HER life. I was trying to plan OUR life… that is, my life and the children’s life, and even her life partly – in that keeping us close enough to minimize the impact on the children was a high priority for me. In addition, so was keeping the school system, the neighbors, their friends, the proximity to work, the logistics of it all.

PEW? All she wanted was enough money to get her own house. She would ultimately get her wish but literally would spend more litigating the situation (as would I) than she would get out of the forced sale… and she would also not consider what a mess the fall-out would create regarding the children.

She was never one for planning nor foresight.

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