A Long Overdue FANTASY EMAIL REPLY!!!

In yesterday’s post… OOPS! …I Did It Again, PEW was baffled, as usual, by the children’s reaction to my taking them a few days early. What I actually said was much different from what I wanted to say. It… is relegated to a FANTASY EMAIL REPLY (a.k.a. “emails written and unsent”)

PEW,

Here is the bigger picture.

For the most part, they get pretty much everything that they want with you. They don’t get that with me because some of the things that they get/do/engage in with you are not appropriate in my view. I can’t control that. They get WWE. Vacations that you can’t afford while being at risk of losing your home. They stay up too late on school nights. They get to see age-inappropriate movies. They get toys, games, action figures nearly every time you go to the store. Get get get, want want want. They’re not responsible for cleaning up after themselves. They don’t have to get exercise. They get to play videogames for hours on end and watch television for hours on end. They don’t get effectively disciplined. They essentially get to do whatever THEY want, almost all the time (if not – all the time). The list is virtually endless.

I teach them self-discipline. Personal responsibility. Respect for themselves and others. Teamwork. Good sportsmanship. That they cannot be quitters. I MAKE them engage in activities that will teach them very important life-lessons in addition to fun stuff… especially when they think it “sucks” or just “don’t feel like it.” Give a 7- and 9-year old the choice between “all fun and games all the time” and “in addition to fun and games, I have to learn things and help others and do chores” – they will choose “all fun and games all the time.” I’m an adult and that would be my choice, too.

But the biggest reason of all is this: When they whine, cry, and throw temper tantrums when they may have to do something that doesn’t suit their whims – your typical first course of action is to appease them without any real thought. That’s why they freak out. When they do – you immediately jump to their defense or try to find ways to satiate their desires because it’s the quickest way for you to get them just to shut up without “having to be the bad guy.” You said it yourself just the other day. That’s your biggest concern and that’s your biggest problem.

Unfortunately for you – you still haven’t realized that every situation isn’t all about how to make the children have their way. You will continue to be manipulated in that fashion until you do.

~LM

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For People Who Are So Smart, You’re Idiots!

On Sunday, May 18th, 2008, we did a custody exchange for my week. For the fourth consecutive weekend, S2 was dropped off not feeling well. Only one of those weeks did it last into the week (not including this past week).

The week in summary went like this: Sunday, S2 had a fever. After an evening of Tylenol, fluids, and rest – Monday morning he woke up fine and went to school. He was fine all week long. Thursday, at aftercare at the school, he complained again of not feeling well. When I arrived, he had a “sick face” on but didn’t have a fever when we got home, and in a little while, felt fine again. Friday morning, spry and excited for activities at school, no fever, he went. At 11:00AM, I get a call from the school nurse – he has a fever of 100.1 and is complaining of a belly-ache. I pick up both boys from school early since it was a half-day anyway. Tylenol and lots of water – by Friday night he is fine. Saturday he is fine but does get a slight fever Saturday evening. One dose of Tylenol and he is fine inside of 30-minutes. Sunday he is fine up to and through the exchange back to PEW.

Nothing too dramatic, S2 complained of nothing other than an occasional belly-ache when he did have a fever, but he ate everything all week long and didn’t throw up or show any other signs of anything. Both boys were excited for the extended weekend and whatever it was that mom had planned for them.

LM,

I know you don’t like getting these kinds of emails from me, but it’s times like this when I really question your parenting…… You realize that you let S2 suffer from Sunday to Sunday with some kind of sinus infection or something?? You had to hear it in his voice and if he had a fever Sunday….then monday, then tuesday, then weds…and then had to get picked up friday early….obviously he need to see a Dr.

Why the hell didn’t you take him to the Dr? Instead now he has to suffer through a holiday weekend SICK. It’s not a virus, virus do not last for 8 days. So between you and DW, neither one of you had the common sense to take the kid to the Doctor? It is a mind blowing experience to be on the other side of parenting two children with you. I know you won’t admit it, but you screwed up……and S2 could have been better by last tuesday. This is why, I lose sleep at night…worrying about what kind of mis-judgements you will make that could be potentially dangerous. Would you wait to take him to the Dr. until the fever got so high, he went into a coma or something? Then what? For people who are supposedly so smart, your idiots. I know you wont’ respond because there’s nothing to say…..except you’re sorry to S2. And you can do that next week.

~PEW

For the record, I cut her email into paragraphs for easier reading. It was just one big giant paragraph – the usual when she is raging.

The email also demonstrates her uncanny and consistent ability to turn any seemingly mild ailment into a potential catastrophe, up to and including potential coma and death.

My initial reaction is to violate the low-contact principles that I often preach about and so many, myself included, have seen great success. That “Fantasy Email Reply” will close out this post. However, I reign myself in and choose the right path – since it is involving a matter pertaining to the children’s well-being (specifically, S2’s illness) – I respond and trim a lot of the “fat.”

PEW,

– S2 complained of no ailment other than feeling “hot.”

– He had no fever until Friday at school. He was fine again until it went up again on Saturday at Uncle Vincent’s. He did not have a fever every day this week.

– Unless you took him to the doctor, please stop with your diagnosis. If you went to the doctor, let me know what he said, otherwise, stop the harassment.

– He was looked at by a registered nurse at the school who offered no explanation other than a “slight belly-ache and a fever of 100.1.” When I call the doctor and give them that description, they tell me “plenty of fluids and rest.”

Let’s not forget, either – he was sick “all of last weekend” and you did nothing. Further, he was also delivered to us sick the prior exchange, the exchange before that, and the exchange before that.

It might be time to consider exploring what you feed them (dietary changes) and what they have to drink (soda, juices, etc. to extreme). I would also remind you that when I had them “full time” last summer… neither S1 nor S2 were sick a single time. Check out the things you’re doing and see if any changes may help. Since the custody change, they simply haven’t been sick unless you’ve delivered them to us that way and they’ve always been returned healthy, except for this time… all of which can be documented.

Thanks,
LM

Yes, before you go beating me up, I realize that the last paragraph is full of “fat” much of which should have been excluded. Yes, I’ve also admitted that despite my low-contact advice – I am prone to slip beyond what is the minimum contact necessary on occasion.

Though she’ll likely deny it – I thought it important to remind her that this would be the 4th time in a row she’s delivered the children with at least one of them sick. I also know that she’ll completely deny it because it’s not in keeping with her believe that the opposite is “always” the case (projection).

LM,

You are lying. They have been sick since the custody schedule change while they were with you….more than once. S2 was not sick any of last weekend until sunday. Also, there was only one other exchage where they weren’t feeling good….. I haven’t delivered them sick repeatedly. I am the parent who actually takes them to the Dr. because I am not a cheapass, like you. He was asleep on monday night when I called at 6pm. Everytime I spoke to him he said his fever was going up and down. They both told me he almost wasn’t able to go to school on tuesday. They aren’t babies anymore, they know what fevers are and they know what the days of the week are. Both kids told me that you were pumping him full of Tylenol all week….you know that causes liver damage right?

They don’t drink soda and juices to extreme and they eat a healthy diet over here. AND it’s not the school nurses job to diagnose illnesses. It’s up to the parents to take them to the Dr. when they have a continued unexplained fever for 7 days straight. When I take him to the Dr. I will ask if you called…..I’m sure you didn’t because they would have told you to bring him in…I think after 10 years I should know. You’re a lier and a cheapskate…that’s why S2 is sick.

~PEW

Good grief – now the child is going to have liver damage on top of a coma.

This is when my responses will typically end. One contact. One explanation (if appropriate), and then just let her escalate if that is her desire. You can’t reasonably discuss things with someone with such an uncanny ability to re-write history to suit her own arguments.

The reality is – when I call and explain that he has a fever and no other apparent symptoms (I did explain belly-ached, with no throwing up) – Tylenol, fluids, rest. Doctors do NOT want you to bring them in at the drop of a hat. We have immune systems to fight off regular ailments such as these and I have never refused to take the children to a doctor when appropriate or told to “bring them in.”

For the record:

Child Hospital Visits Since Split: PEW = 4. LM = 0.

Child Doctor Visits Since Split: PEW = I lost count. LM = 1.

PEW visits the doctor so frequently because it makes her feel and appear like the “doting mother.” DW and I, on the other hand, we just take care of the children when it’s obviously in our power to do so.

THE FANTASY EMAIL REPLY: (Emails we’d like to send, but know better.)

PEW,

S2 complained of no ailment other than feeling “hot.”

He had no fever until Friday at school. He was fine again until it spiked on Saturday at VAM’s. Unless you took him to the doctor, here you go again acting like one yourself and we know how many times you’ve made “diagnoses” that were unnecessarily extreme and a complete figment of your imagination. From sun-poisoning, to tetanus, to coma and potential death – it’s would be rather comical if I didn’t think you actually believed your own tripe.

He was looked at by a registered nurse at the school who offered no explanation other than a “slight belly-ache and a fever of 100.1.” When I call the doctor and give them that description, they tell me “plenty of fluids and rest.”

Let’s not forget, either – he was sick “all of last weekend” and you did nothing. He was delivered to us sick the three prior exchanges, too. My guess is if you spent more time examining the things you do and the items you feed them, you might actually make a contribution to minimizing these types of incidents, too. Thanks for your concern, but you’re latest, hysterical arm-chair diagnosis is nothing more than another excuse for your usual mindless raging anyway.

~LM

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For the 100th Post – It’s FANTASY EMAIL!

(LM) S1 has apparently been telling PEW that he is interested in joining football. Tackle football. In keeping with my low-contact boundaries – this was an appropriate reason to contact. Here is what I get:

Hey,

Here’s the info on registration. It’s this Sat. at School at 9am-2pm, There’s tackle ($85.00) and Flag ($55.00). If you decide to do it, I’ll just rip this check up that you gave me yesterday and we’ll go half on it. I heard what Mr. Teacher said to him and I think Mr. Teacher had a good point, but I think this is a good start for S1. He is VERY intense (he got that from you) haha. I think just being part of a team would help, don’t you? I’m sorry I forgot to give you the paperwork. I also have a project for S2 that is due friday. He has to interview and older relative about how life was when they were growing up. He could even interview you or your mom. Can I fax it….I need your # again? It’s just a page of questions. As for the football, the league begins after labor day (practice starts August 1) and the league ends around Thanksgiving.

We should let him do it. He needs an outlet for all that energy AND it’s physical which is a huge plus for him.let me know…..I didn’t do anything with your check yet.

~PEW
—————

(LM) Intense? DW would tell you that I’m really not generally an “intense” person. Projection. Further, this clearly demonstrates PEW’s inability to have any insight into what Mr. Teacher meant. Mr. Teacher knows that S1 handles adversity poorly. He is often a sore loser and a poor sport. He’s often a quitter when things aren’t going his way. Mr. Teacher knows that S1 tends to take everything personally and communicated that, I thought quite appropriately, during this discussion with S1. In fact, on the ride home after listening to S1 tell me the story, I supported and explained further what Mr. Teacher meant and why. I actually got some measure of understanding and buy-in from S1.

(DW) On the surface, if you didn’t know the history, this seems, like others, perfectly normal. If you didn’t know that we tried for three years to have her get S1 involved in something other than TV and eating fast food. If you didn’t know that we spent ALL of our weekends and summers getting him involved, and dealing with his “intensity”, i.e. anger, and here comes MOTY telling us how wonderful it would be for him! It’s her idea completely! If you didn’t know that she finally got S1 signed up for scouts and then proceeded to do nothing with him for 3-months until we stepped in and helped him to earn his first badge, and of course, didn’t sign up S2 as that would be too much for her to accomplish (we did, 3-months late, but thankfully they took him anyway). Ah yes, isn’t it great being a PEW? So of course, here is what we REALLY wanted to say:

Dear Delusional PEW,

Take credit for everything much? Of course I recognize that being on a team is good for S1, DW and I have recognized this for years. It’s why we are members of the Sports Complex and had him signed up for swim team over the summer. It’s why I have asked you repeatedly to sign him up for something during the school year, although you never did, saying my weekends with him were too interruptive, because apparently the other 26 fucking days a month you had him were not enough time for sports. It’s also why we signed up S2 for Scouts after you failed to due to your usual attitude of “well he didn’t want to”. Way to parent, jackass. I’m glad you have finally seen the light.

I also agree with Mr. Teacher, however, I believe his intensity (in other words his anger when he is unable to handle problems) comes from not being able to solve problems civilly, which he certainly gets from you. Please be aware that when S1 throws a temper tantrum on the field because someone has hurt him, or the coach is making him run laps and he doesn’t want to, or the other team scores and he becomes a poor sport as usual, YOU will have to stick by him and not allow him to quit the team during your weeks, which he will most assuredly want to do. We know, we’ve been there. We had to deal with these tantrums during swim team, and unlike your reaction when he played soccer or it was time to play kickball on Father/Son day, we were not embarrassed by his actions, we instead made him take responsibility for how he acted and he had to continue to be part of the team. We certainly hope you can make this happen for football, but please know and remember that we truly believe you will run and hide like the coward you are and tell S1 he can quit. I have $100 bet this happens at the very first practice.

As for school projects, I assure you I am well aware of your intentions to make me seem like a failure in this aspect with repeatedly withholding school projects so the boys cannot possibly complete them on time when they are with me. Let’s count the number of times you have done this in the last 4 months, Christmas, 3 times with Scouts, Valentines Day, and almost weekly with homework. Unfortunately this just makes the boys look bad, something you fail to consider when making your devious plans. I hope it will change in the future, but until then I have already been in touch with the teachers and scout leaders to make sure that any projects that are due on my week are given directly to me or I am given copies in case you conveniently “forget” to give them to me, yet again. So you can stop trying to contact me about such issues, as I will not meet you or respond. I do not desire contact with you, now or in the future, please stop with your incesant need to have me near you, it’s quite pathetic.

Also, please stop telling our children they have diseases that they have not been diagnosed by a DOCTOR as having. You are NOT a doctor, our children do not have diseases. It is shameful that you would tell them such a thing, and apparently you didn’t learn your lesson the last time you pulled this crap when telling my family S2 had “walking pneumonia” and I called the doctor to verify. If you wish to diagnose him, I suggest you go to medical school instead of spending all your time with your pathetic sister. I guess she doesn’t have a job again since she can watch the kids during the week? What was it this time? Embezzlment or alcohol again?

~US
—————

Sometimes it feels good to cut loose, even if it is fantasy email replies. Ironically, the behavioral expert on television just said that “venting” is not an appropriate way to deal with anger – that it perpetuates it and makes it worse.

Time to call a therapist. 😉

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When Kids Are Sick – Email & Text Barrage

There was a time when the consummate projector, PEW, would claim that every time the children were returned to her, they were sick. This was when I was an non-custodial parent (NCP) and during the school year, I only had them every other weekend typically. Reality was, they were very often entering whatever minor illness from which they suffered when I picked them up, but PEW never let facts get in the way of her penchant for crying “victim.”

We’re now in a week-on/week-off 50/50 arrangement. My last 4 custody periods – one of the children have been delivered to me suffering from some minor illness. No big deal, really – it’s just that time of year. Colds, stomach virus – these are not uncommon ailments. These are ailments that are typically handled at home (for me) with plenty of fluids, fever-reducer, and rest. We have immune systems to handle these common ailments. I’ll normally put a call in to the doctor for some advice, describe the symptoms, and they’ll tell me to do just that. Not so for PEW, she’ll take the kids to the doctor at the first sign of a sniffle, when she’s not diagnosing them herself, because you know – she’s a lawyer, a doctor, a psychologist, a psychiatrist, etc. She knows better than anyone else about everything.

She lets me know over the weekend that S2 is under the weather again. Fever, sneezing, sniffles. I acknowledge it and am prepared to handle it as I have for the last 4 times that they were with me. After last night’s exchange, the ride home saw me listen to the children describe Fifth’s Disease. Apparently, this is what Dr. PEW has suggested to them. I guess Fifth’s Disease sounds way cooler than – a cold.

PEW, in her effort to demonstrate that she is the concerned mother, will incessantly badger me as to their condition. She will make suggestions to me as if I have no idea how to handle a sick child – something I have been doing since they burst forth from the birth canal. It gets annoying and very often, I don’t respond to the incessant texts and emails that follow an exhange of sick children. This latest set was particularly laughable and annoying.

In addition to the lesson in Fifth’s Disease that I received from the boys, I was also told that Aunt PP stayed overnight again, because “the wind was too scary for her to go home.” We have a history that you will learn more about – one that saw great conflict over her in her untreated bipolar state – watching the children on her own. Personally, I don’t like her spending any amount of time with them, but it’s not something over which I have any say. I can only hope that she didn’t sleep in the same bed with one or the other. I wasn’t home but a few minutes Sunday night when I get this text:

3/9/2008 @ 6:39PM

“PP said that if you get in a jam and need a sitter for S2, give her a call.”

Now, PEW clearly has blocked out the reality which has been that I don’t want PP babysitting our children alone ever. Ever. One thing PP can count on is that I will never call her under any circumstances to watch the children.

I don’t reply.

Yesterday morning, I’m on my way into work and get this text:

“How is S2 this morning?”

Under normal circumstances, this is probably not an unreasonable question. We don’t have normal circumstances. Further, he’s got a cold. Give it a rest. You can call anytime in the evenings when we are home and speak to him about how he is feeling and if there is anything of an urgent nature to be communicated, I will certainly communicate them. Always have. Always will.

Anyway, I’m driving to work. I have a meeting when I get there. However, this isn’t about S2 at all. It’s all about her. It’s about her requiring interaction with me. The child isn’t in the hospital. He is not bed-ridden. He has a freakin’ cold. While in the meeting 40-minutes later I get the following text:

“Why do you have to ignore me? I don’t do that to you.”

I don’t reply for obvious reasons. It’s the typical “I’ve contacted you, stop what you’re doing and reply to me RIGHT NOW!”

This is followed an hour later by an email:

LM,

I don’t think it’s too much to ask for you to let me know how S2 is today? If I have to call the school and say, is S2 in today, because he was sick when I sent him to his father’s and I’m worried about him and my ex-husband will not communicate with me (much like I did when S1 was sick) It’s going to make you look like you’re a total weirdo.

It may seem neurotic to you, but as a mother, I worry constantly about my children. S2 is my baby. AND a close friend of mine just lost her son, so I’m a little more neurotic than usual, so for my peace of mind….and as to NOT let yourself look like a bigger jerk, could you please let me know how he’s doing?

PEW

Yet another example of her seriously overblown sense of mothering and infantilizing S2. He has a cold, people. Maybe she fears this cold will lead to death, I’m not sure, but I find the loss of a friend’s child, unspeakably tragic as it may be, a bit dramatic a reason for the incessant contact regarding S2’s cold.

Interestingly, while tossing out her customary insults and threats – she still manages to portray herself as Mother of the Year and helpless victim.

He has a cold, people.

She can call like any normal person does – after we get home from work. She doesn’t do this because I simply give the boys the phone as I have no desire to speak with her unless it’s a matter of importance. Of course, that’s why she doesn’t. She wants to interact with ME. If she were to simply check on the children after work, she can’t portray herself as the victim of a non-communicative, meanie ex-husband who doesn’t care about her overwhelming care and worry about her “baby” who is suffering from the dreaded, debilitating common cold. She can’t imply to the children’s teachers that I don’t communicate and therefore she is forced to call the school to find out about whether or not S2 will pull out of this dreaded malady. She can’t direct me how to care for the long-suffering child. She can’t demonize me.

Much like I did the last time she pulled something similar to this, I do reply:

PEW,

He is still sick. Feel free to call this evening.

~LM

Okay. Short. To-the-point. Low-contact. She has her update. Does it stop? Of course not:

LM,

does he still have a fever? this would be the fourth day…maybe you should call the Dr.

~PEW

There it is, the same suggestion she’s made every single time. If it isn’t “maybe you should take him to the doctor” it’s “maybe you should call the doctor.” I don’t respond. I predicted to DW that I would get no fewer than 3 email replies to my update. Oh, the Fantasy Email Replies that could have come from some of this.

[fantasy email]PEW,

PP’s services won’t be necessary. DW is an actual real-life mother and knows how to take very good care of the children. She has everything lovingly under control. No worries.

~LM[/fantasy email]

I did get two more emails after that, though they were unrelated to the illness. She did call and talk to S2 and there was more discussion about Fifth’s Disease and I said loudly while they were still talking, “S2, you don’t have Fifth’s Disease” and then laughed.

S2 didn’t have a fever all day, was bright-eyed and bushy-tailed when I got home from work and will be able to return to school this morning.

People – he had a cold.
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UPDATE 9:40 AM 3/11/2008

After telling her last night that S2 was fever-free and would be going to school, only moments ago I get another text message from PEW:

How is S2? Did he go to school today?

Scary. Stay tuned… I’m sure there is more to come…

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Fantasy E-mail Reply – 2/11/2008

As we sat around the other night, exasperated, we discussed how we would possibly respond to an email such as we received the other night regarding the children getting to watch WWE’s Monday Night Raw. While I won’t respond to it because it doesn’t rise to the level of an urgent matter pertaining to the children, it doesn’t stop me from wondering how I could if I wanted to. Seriously, the first question out of my mouth was, “How in the hell do you even begin to respond to something like that?”

Well, there exists “Fantasy Games” – like Fantasy Football, Baseball, Hockey, Basketball, Golf, etc. From the emails-never-sent file comes Fantasy Email Replies. Invariably, we try to find our sense of humor and it will sometimes result in a “Fantasy Email” such as this…

—————

Dear Psycho,

Thank you for your pearls of wisdom on being a parent. I had no idea it was bad for my kids to be mad at me! What was I thinking? I sat and thought about all the lessons they can learn from watching WWE on Monday night and you are right, this can definitely be an educational experience!

For instance, our son’s next book report could be:

The Subtle Differences Between the FU and the STFU, and he could even provide a visual demonstration on a classmate for bonus points.

Discussions on the Origin of the Term “The Money Shot.” Maybe he can bring in a video example for further clarification, I hear Jenna Jameson is an excellent actress and has extensive knowledge of “The Money Shot.”

What better way to instill healthy exercise habits! I’m sure our son is building muscle mass just watching Triple H drop a flying elbow on his opponent from the top rope, not to mention the sportsmanlike conduct he is witnessing. I’m sure it will have a positive impact on his current inability to treat his classmates with respect when they win a game they are playing.

I completely understand your desire to have our children do whatever it is their friends are doing. It’s extremely important to feel like they are part of the group, like the time S1 ganged up with his friends to beat-on the new kid in school. It was important for them to stand as a united front so the kid would never come back to school and it made S1 feel like “one of the guys.” They were teaching the new classmate “teamwork.” I understand ganging up and spitting on opposing wrestlers is frequent in the WWE, so I know they’ll learn other techniques to enhance welcoming others to school.

I will profusely apologize to our children for the egregious error of my parenting and let them know that from now on – their every wish is my command. Thanks so much for pointing out my shortcomings as a parent in this regard and I will do my best to never let it happen again.

Sincerely,
LM

—————-

We tentatively have plans to DVR Monday Night Raw and are considering a review of it next week along with the lessons a child can learn from it. Stay tuned…

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How To Inappropriately Respond to Hostile Emails! (Almost Moment of Weakness)

I’ve been forthright in telling you that I have made mistakes. I still sometimes make mistakes. Sometimes, I go ahead and make the mistake because something in my gut tells me it’s the right thing to do. How ironic that only a day after breaking down the article “How to Appropriately Handle Hostile Emails” would I be so tested.

This morning, I get an email from PEW that falls under my “can-respond” rule of “urgent matter pertaining to the children.” She had asked me about building a car to S1’s Cub Scout Project for the Pinewood Derby. I told her I would and wondered how long she had it as it is due in a month. In addition to blaming her delaying letting me know about this matter on my lack of communication, she takes off on me regarding the boys’ behavior:

(1/10/2008, 9:30AM from PEW):

LM,

Also, with regard to the boys……the lack of communication is seriously hurting in school. Now it’s looking like S2 is going to have to go to [Mrs. S2GuidanceCounselor]. We cannot continue this way and it’s totally up to you to make a change. I couldn’t be more communicative with you. You on the other hand didn’t even let me know that you lost S2’s EDM calendar. S1 is doing the sloppiest work I have ever seen him do. His book bag is a mess….he’s not using the new folder or homework book I bought for him and the only way this will improve is if we’re both on the same page. If things between us do not improve, come April I am going to have to ask JC for another custody evaluation by a psychologist. I’m not messing around with the kids lives. Look at what happened to [your nephew]. Do you want that for your children?

~PEW

Strangely, during the weeks they are with me, they both mostly get good reports. During the weeks they are with her, they don’t. Further, S1’s writing has been greatly improved since I recently told him how to properly hold a pencil, how to tilt the page for a right-hander, and to take his time and keep his letters in proportion to one another. His bookbag isn’t a mess when he’s with me, in fact, I find it difficult to understand how it’s possible to make a “mess” of a bookbag.

This reply is in keeping with the article I reviewed yesterday. It’s not perfect, but still is in the spirit of the article’s suggestions.

(1/10/2008, 10:15AM reply from LM):

The communication thing is an absolute necessity because of your abusive behavior. There is no other way around it. It has been a part of our lives since 1995 and apparently will not change. Your emails, your voice mails, almost the entirety of what you call “communication” is horrifyingly adversarial and always has been. At this time, I expect it always will be.

Increasing communication with you will only expose me to more of your unacceptable behavior and language, and I’ve told you repeatedly, I will not reply to any communication that includes same.

~LM

From there, she escalates, not unexpectedly:

(1/10/2008, 11:53AM from PEW):

LM,

How you define abusive is absolutely essential here. You have always tended to embellish on that topic. First, how many times have I been kind to you, only to turn around and have you stab me in the back? (Christmas is a perfect example) Then, I become distraught and call you a name….and you call that abuse or harrassment? When under the circumstances that would be a totally normal reaction to this situation….. Time and time again, I extend the olive branch….only to have it rammed down my throat later. There have been plenty of occassions since 1995 that you have treated me in a less than respectful way, you have cursed at me, called me names, etc..etc… I can absolutely guarantee you that I would not email you in a harsh way if you would stop with your vindictiveness with regard to the children. I’m not always going to agree with the things you do, if you had the common courtesy to respond to my concerns (like with the bus stop thing) I might understand your perspective and move on and sometimes we may have to come to a compromise. It’s called “co-parenting”, which you seem unable to wrap your head around. If we can’t communicate with regard to the children, the 50/50 arrangement is not going to work for them. When you say my communication is “horrifyingly adversarial” I need you to give me an example?? 99% of the time, I state my business in a respectful way……1% of the time, I give you attitude……You need to look at the definition of the word “abuse” and “harrassment”. You are trying to victimize yourself when you’re not a victim. I’m not the only one here stuck in a cycle of behavior….why do you never look at yourself to find solutions to our prediciment? You haven’t done anything differntly since day 1 of this process. I was so excited after we met in November and now I’m just as mortified as I’ve been the three dozen times before when I had “high hopes” for a better relationship.

You do what you feel you must…with regard to the communication…..if the abuse is too much for you….maybe you should treat me a little nicer. I am the mother of your children. Why is it so inconceiveable that we could be friends? You’re the one that is preventing that. But I will tell you this right now, come April……if things are status quo…..I’ll be requesting an evaluation for the boys. As far as the hearing on Jan 24th…..I’m keeping that because so far I see no remorse on your part for what you did.

~PEW

More of the same. Delusional. Simply delusional. The projection is plain to see, as well as her clear abuse of the court system, knowing her petition is false, but she will keep the hearing simply because I’m not remorseful enough for her. And something in my gut is telling me that this is the email where you have to give her a dose of reality. My gut is telling me that even though it will absolutely mean nothing to her, every once in a while you have to bury the borderline in an avalanche of reality. You do. It may have no impact, but my gut is telling me that just the fact that she will have to read reality is enough for me.

The following reply violates every covenant of how to appropriately handle hostile emails. I know it does. I am holding back for the moment, but I really have a strong compulsion to send this… email not-yet-sent:

(1/10/2008 – The as-yet unsent Email Bomb from LM):

Okay, you asked, I will do this… one more time. If you take everything you have written and read it back to your self, replacing LM with PEW, you will have reality. Examples of your “communicativeness” since the November 2nd hearing, which doesn’t include harassment by voice mails, text, or when you involved the kids in the issues.

1. You’re a bastard.
2. you are an evil person
3. Get a set of your own and be a father……
4. total psycho for a father
5. You disgust me.
6. You’re a sick person
7. because their SICK father
8. grow up and be a man!!
9. Get to a psychiatrist LM, you need help badly…..you need medication or something.
10. You’re an idiot.

Now I know you will read that list and come back with “well it’s ALL true, therefore it’s not abuse.” Yes, I know, you are always the victim, and I always deserve what you dish out. Show me a single e-mail where I have called you a name, questioned your mental imbalances, or any other form of abuse.

What did you do “kind” over Christmas? You filed in court to interrupt my holiday, yet again, before Christmas was even here. Is that your idea of an olive branch? Then when you found out you were wrong, you started on a barrage of e-mails detailing how awful I am and how you have been victimized by me yet again, when in fact, I had Christmas because of your actions last year. It had nothing to do with anything I had done. Just another thing you will never take responsibility for. A normal person would say “you know what, I messed up last year, I’m really sorry, is there any way I can come down to [your area] on a weekend before or after Christmas and spend time with the kids?” But no, you instead begin a harrassment campaign and file in court, even though you are wrong.

Then you say you are the “better” person and are going to withdraw the petition since you were wrong, and yet, here we are, and you haven’t, so I guess you aren’t the “better” person after all. Talk about no remorse, I still haven’t received an apology for last year, or any of the false petitions and reports you have filed. You send me bizarre e-mails detailing how I should remember the times we made love by the fire (this, after numerous and patently false accusations of ME “not being able to move on after you divorced me”) – it’s pretty clear you are the only one still thinking of any allegedly “good” times – all while you continue to tell me what an asshole I am and how you will be taking me back to court, yet again, to take the children away from me. Where is that olive branch? It’s jammed up my ass where you always jam it, PEW.

We cannot co-parent because you have no idea what that means. Co-parenting does not mean that you tell me what to do, like your “suggestion” that I allow the kids to watch more TV and play video games or I will be to blame when we have rebels on our hands. We already have rebels on our hands, because of your parenting style, which is throw them in front of the TV or computer and repeatedly fail to instill any discipline when they act out. You’re too busy buying their love and being all buddy-buddy with them because there is always big bad daddy to punish them, why should you bother? When the teacher asks for your input, you tell them to “talk to the counselor” because “I don’t know what to do.” When I didn’t live up there, their behavior issues were because I wasn’t around. Now you conveniently blame their behavior issues on the fact that I have 50% custody. You will always have me to blame when something goes wrong, just as you have always done. You have never taken responsibility for a single thing in this mess, other than to say you made the mistake of marrying me. Spare me the story again, I assure you it was a much bigger mistake for me.

All this from the woman, the so-called “respectful woman who only wants to co-parent,” who has called CPS with a false allegation on us, making your own children be interrogated, called the sheriff’s office, and so much more, for no reason other than your petty jealousy that I and the children have a life, too, beyond you. They happen to like their Father, DW, SD1, and SS1 and have a good time with us and that, for some inexplicable reason – is a threat to you. I know you had it in your head that if I got a job up there I would leave DW and move back in with you, which defies explanation. Why you would think that when you have done nothing but try to convince everyone how I abused you for ten years is beyond me. Why you have this idea that you are anywhere near as beautiful, nice, or smart as DW, is beyond comprehension. I am there for the children, not for you. What kind of a woman who swears she was abused by me for ten years, would invite me to live in her house? Your story doesn’t match up and it never will.

I will do what I believe is an appropriate parenting style, teach my children right from wrong, not bad-mouth their mother despite all she has done and continues to do, continue to encourage their relationship with you and remind them that you love them. I will instill discipline and responsibility in them, despite the shit you tell them – all the things someone equipped to co-parent does. My experience is that you have little to none of that and that is why co-parenting is not possible with you.

I suggest you move on with your life.

Here it is, broken down for you in chronological order:

12/4/2007: You start criticizing my parenting with absolutely no knowledge of how things are done in my home. They get more than enough television and videogames at your home and you’re dictating to me that they should have more tv and videogames at my house?

“LM,
Just a heads up for you…..you are way way way too strict on our boys. This is not 1950 anymore…there IS TV, there ARE video games…..”everything in moderation”…..you need to loosen up before we have a couple rebels on our hands. I’m really starting to get annoyed with the whole situation.”

Communication like yours above doesn’t deserve a response.

12/11/2007: After lengthy pre-hearing discussions and acknowledgement from you to the judge no fewer than three times, you start down the path of holiday destruction again, attempting to ruin my time with the children by feigning confusion (again):

“LM,
I’m trying to figure out the holidays…..I’m assuming you’ll drop them off on the 23rd…pick up again on christmas eve, bring back on Christmas day? Can you let me know.”

I responded by letting you know what we agreed to both prior to the hearing and you re-affirmed several times for Judge [Contempt] at the hearing. You then went ballistic.

12/11/2007: Abusive, harassing tirade in reply to a one-sentence, factual reply regarding the agreement:

“You cannot have them three weeks in a row. That is bullshit, we weren’t operating on this arrangement then. You had the whole summer and then moved up here too. You’re a bastard.”

Is that your 1% disrespectful e-mails? I guess I should expect I will have 99% nice ones coming now. Communication like yours above doesn’t deserve a response.

12/11/2007: As you always have, you continue with your demanding, bullying tactics:

“when were you planning on returning them? I want them on Sunday the 23rd.”

I had already answered you. You didn’t deserve a reply to your demand. You continue with your deluge of hate mail…

12/11/2007: You threaten legal action, like you always do, despite having no grounds nor justification. You are abusing the legal system to try to get your way and using the children as leverage and trying to guilt me, as you have always done:

“It would make sense for you to get the days you missed from the 24th to the 27th, but not the whole week??? That is not the intention of the make up time form last year. I am sick to my stomach that you are going to do this to them. I am filing tomorrow in the hopes that they will get us in before Christmas.”

Hmmm, maybe the next one will be nice. Is that the olive branch? Do you know what an olive branch is? Threatening communication like you’ve done above doesn’t deserve a response.

12/11/2007: You sit at your computer sending email after email after email despite my having already told you what the schedule was, a schedule we agreed to. A holiday schedule that was what it was due to your being found in contempt of court for custodial interference the previous Christmas:

“It’s hopeless to even talk to you….you are an evil person…”

Guess I was wrong, still not nice. Communication like yours above doesn’t deserve a response.

12/16/2007: excerpt of another email trying to leverage the children as a guilt mechanism to have me bow to your demands, just as you always have:

“You have been so cruel”

Maybe you had your numbers backwards? Maybe it’s 99% disrespectful and 1% respectful? Communication like yours above doesn’t deserve a response.

12/18/2007: You set me up for failure by informing me with 1-day’s notice that S2 needs Christmas cards for his classmates. You knew about this assignment long before that and put me in a serious bind. I don’t do that shit to you.

“Also, I forgot to give you his list for his Christmas cards that Mrs. S2Teacher wants them all to do for their party on thursday the 20th.”

Not only is that deliberate behavior, it’s inappropriate and sets up S2 to look bad when the assignment cannot be completed on time. That apparently doesn’t matter to you in your efforts to make me look bad, but throwing your children under the bus in your quest to make me pay is nothing new.

12/18/2007: Despite me telling you the facts about the agreement, you persist:

“What else do you need to convince you that you’re wrong?”

It doesn’t deserve a response.

12/19/2007: You persist:

“are you going to bring the kids back “per the order”?”

12/20/2007: Now, after having explained both in email and over the phone, you persist with your badgering (it’s called harassment at this point, PEW):

“I’ll dig mine up. What does it say about Christmas? do you remember? I can’t figure out for the life of me how you decided that you would get the whole week next week?”

It doesn’t deserve a response.

12/20/2007: After going home and reading the petition which was subsequently made into the order, you send no fewer than 6-emails, all without response… all within the span of about an hour making fun of me, my parenting, my partner, falsely accusing her (again) of abusing the children, my manhood, my psychological stability… vulgar language, and the list goes on.

12/26/2007 – 12/28/2007: You continue to persist, again citing “confusion” over the language of the order demanding I bring the children home for New Year’s. You flood me with emails again. It is also the first time you bring up the Pinewood Derby cars, knowing I am out of town, knowing that you had them for approximately 2-weeks, and again, deliberately setting me up to be the bad guy with no consideration for S1, who would also suffer if we can’t make it happen due to your inability to communicate.

“what time and where for monday? also, are you going to make the Pinewood Derby cars with the boys or should I have my dad do it?”

On 12/31/2007, I relent and explain to you the order again, in a polite, respectful manner. You respond with threats, false accusations, insults, namecalling, everything you always do, always have done, and it appears – always will do, including threatening more of your abuse via the legal system:

“total psycho for a father”

“They hate it there”

“You disgust me.”

“I’m filing for another hearing”

“You’re a sick person”

“their SICK father”

“you’re a sick sick person”

“I hope your holiday is ruined”

“Get help.”

“grow up and be a man!!”

“Get to a psychiatrist LM, you need help badly…..you need medication or something.”

1/2/2008: In response to my offering you to take the children a few days early so that you could celebrate and enjoy a full weekend with them comes your attempt to manipulate me into giving you the children earlier, this perhaps could be considered blackmail, which I’m sure the judge will appreciate:

“If you let me pick them up today and have them for the rest of the week I’ll consider cancelling the hearing.”

This is clear evidence of you using the legal system to harass and manipulate both me and the children. Not good, PEW. Not good at all.

I’ve now grown tired of entertaining your mindless ranting and have sufficiently wasted all too much of my time to set you straight on reality. There have been several more of this variety since then, but this should paint a very clear picture of your “communicativeness” and “olive branch extending” efforts. Disgraceful. This will be the last time I do this as a courtesy to you. All future evidence will simply be brought to court since you can’t live without going in front of the Judge for no discernable reason whatsoever. I just want to live in peace. For someone that supposedly has a new boyfriend, you spend an awful lot of time trying to engage the ex-husband you left. If anyone needs psychiatric help here, it’s you. Only I’m serious and not saying it just to be insulting.

I don’t need any more of your communicativeness. Thank you.

~LM

————————————————————

I want to send it. I won’t. I will “send it” (figuratively) when it’s useful – in court, as evidence of what I continue to have to overcome in order to have a peaceful, normal life with my loved-ones.

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E-mails Never Sent: The State of Reality

After deciding to go low contact with PEW we have a good time writing replies that are never sent in the aftermath of whatever delusion she is currently embroiled within. This is the reply that was never sent after the dentist debacle of 2007.

The State Of Reality Address, 04/2007

After your latest delusional diatribe, it’s time for me to give you a stark reminder of reality, one which you are incapable of understanding or accepting, but one that you should be made to read about every once in a while.

With regard to the dentist issue, all you ever had to do in the last 2 years was let me know that you were unwilling or otherwise incapable of making sure that their teeth were examined and cleaned. I could definitely have taken them to the dentist during what should have been at least one of their 6-month visits, but since you have dedicated all of your communication to the usual and customary abuse and denigration, you’ve conveniently let their dental hygiene fall by the wayside. Yes, I can take them to the dentist this Summer, but the school required that this be handled this past year, not in the Summer. Blame me, you always do, but the reality is – you didn’t do anything to make sure that their teeth were taken care of, including simply letting me know at ANY time during the last 2 years that they needed exams/cleanings. You fought so hard for primary custody and can’t seem to make sure that they go to the dentist regularly. I guess when their teeth start to rot – that’ll be my fault, too. Way to hone your victimhood skills, PEW.

As for school, yes, I know how well he is doing and how well he is reading. As always, I encourage his schoolwork and contribute more than you’ll ever care to know. I read with him. I encourage him to try different kinds of books (including now reading stuff that is even higher than his current rating) and he is doing extremely well with it. It’s amazing the types of things he is willing to do when he is not planted in front of a tv, playing computer games, videogames, or his gameboy.

Your assertions regarding my alleged “criticism and control” are not only false where the kids are concerned, but have always been false and/or greatly exaggerated throughout our existence in each others’ lives so that you always have a horrifying story to tell all of those who unquestioningly support you. The only real shame is that they won’t see all of the evidence that I have who shows who the most controlling, abusive, and manipulative person was and continues to be in this “relationship.” It goes without saying that they would be shocked, concerned, but most of all, saddened by the efforts you’ve put in to hide the real you from them, at least with respect to your (ex)husband and your children.

As usual, you take full credit for all of the good they do and none of the credit for anything that goes wrong. They are doing so well because of their teachers… teachers who work very hard despite your efforts (or lack thereof), particularly in the arena of developing their interpersonal relationship skills and making sure that they get to bed at a decent hour so that they are not so habitually tired and lethargic in class – the chief complaint of both of their teachers and the ONLY significant complaint (as Ms. R told me) regarding S9. I can’t imagine how well they would be doing if they got to bed at a reasonable hour regularly and their television, videogame, and movie time were curtailed in exchange for time spent doing something more meaningful. When the children are with DW and I, they engage in fun activities, activities where they get a decent amount of exercise, and educational activities, such as reading, crafting, or simply playing games where they actually have to interact with other human beings.

I can take an awful lot of credit for how great the children are because we make a great effort to make their lives as normal and meaningful as possible with the time they have with us. We are severely limited in that you’ve spared little effort to minimize the time that I have with the children. Despite your efforts, I still have them fully 1/3 of every year, and though disjointed in nature, do the very best to make the time we do get together as meaningful as possible. Since you and I have an equal number of weekends, and the majority of the 15 or so hours that you actually have with them during the week is spent in front of a television or on the computer, I’m pretty confident that the actual meaningful interaction with the children is at least even.

As for the money issue and what I buy, you really need to figure out a way to understand the reality of the situation. When I did have my job, my take-home pay was about $36K/year. After taxes, I am required to give you nearly $14K… tax-free. That leaves me with $22K with which to take care of all of my bills and support the children when I have them 1/3 of the time. You, on the otherhand, after receiving that amount from me, top out with a TAKE-HOME pay figure of somewhere between $35K and $40K. How you have been unable to manage the take-home pay of a junior executive escapes me, but the only person responsible for that is you. Though the alleged “figure” is about 60% responsibility financially, the reality is that I pay for much more than 60% of their actual needs annually. However, even taking 60% as the baseline, that means *I* pay for 60% of their food, clothes, shoes, toys, games, housing, medicine, doctors, school, childcare, gifts, parties, events, movies, “and everything else” as you put it when they are with you. The fact that you don’t recognize nor acknowledge that reality is not unusual for you and your perpetual victim position. Now, when you factor in that you paid NOTHING towards their childcare when they were with me (in 2005), you lied to the court when you offered overinflated childcare costs when you took them out of agreed upon childcare, placing them with friends and pocketing the difference, the amount of money you received from me in 2005 and 2006, tax-free, exceeds $30,000. That you haven’t set aside a decent portion of that money for a 403b or some other education fund for them is a crime. If you can’t manage to live appropriately on that amount of money, the laughable contention that you will be able to do it with “nothing” as you position yourself for martydom is just not a realistic expectation. Even if I were paying you nothing right now, I would still be in the red.

So, while you enjoy the luxury of having somewhere in the neighborhood of $35K – $40K after taxes and deductions ($15K/year of which I am required to give to you)… I have a mere $22K out of which I have to pay 100% of everything when they are in my care for between 100 and 150 days per year. You truly contribute NOTHING to their care when they are with me while I have been contributing in excess of $14,000 per year to their care when they are with you between 200 and 250 days per year.

I don’t know how you’ve managed to get it in your head that I have this stash of money, but the reality is that I have nothing. I actually have less than nothing. I expect to have nothing for the foreseeable future. When you combine the fact that even when I had a job paying $55K/year, given that I only had approximately $22K to pay for all of my responsibilities, for myself, the children, and everything else, I have no capacity to save for their future, let alone my own. Not for their educations. Nothing. Combine that with your history of irresponsible money management and the kids will continue to have nothing available for them which parents normally try so hard with regard to their children.

This is only compounded further by the unfortunate and unexpected situation with “my old employer”. Unemployment is the equivalent of $1,400/month and I only have 26-weeks of benefits available to me to pay for all of my responsibilities. Out of that, I pay you $200/month, leaving me $1,200 to pay for ALL of my responsibiliies each month, including the children 100% as you contribute NOTHING when they are with me. Given my housing contributions is supposed to be $1,000/month, you do the math. Given that, for now, I have to pay $750/month OOP just for the health insurance, you do the math. Not that you give a crap about any of this, but it was a struggle to pay for my responsibilities when I had a good-paying job. The fact that you would selfishly complain given the state of current circumstances only proves that your ability to project is limitless.

It’s frankly unconscionable that in the face of what is a very, very serious situation for all of us, all you can do is think about yourself, continue with your uncanny ability to verbally and psychologically abuse others, and not face the reality that is that everybody loses and mostly because of your inability to do little beyond creating chaos out of every single little situation that comes up, and in many cases, create chaos out of your own fiction. You have only ever had to do a minimum to ensure good, ongoing communication in this situation, but your selfishness, consistent inability to follow court orders and agreements continues us on this path of self-destruction and for that I am sad for everybody.

Finally, when the children grow up and have questions, there is little doubt in my mind that, if and when they are presented with the evidence of abuse, lies, and misconduct with regard to attempting to do right by them in the aftermath of the divorce that you so strongly desired, pursued, and ultimately received – that they will, without question, recognize that the true monster in all of this has been you. They will see how hard you worked and how much of their future you spent trying to separate me as much as possible from their lives. They will see how much of their future I had to spend defending myself and ensuring that you complied with even the simplest of requirements placed before us.

Worse than that, I don’t think you actually have the ability to change so that peace may take hold in this situation. All I have ever wanted was to move ahead with my life without all of the bullshit. Unfortunately, between your actions, your regularly horrible emails, and your ongoing refusal to comply with orders/agreements means that this type of relationship with you will never end and I assure you it’s ONLY because you can’t live any other way. The evidence speaks for itself.

This is the current state of reality, PEW.

~LM

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