If You’ve Previously Thought You Were Your Child(ren)’s Parents…

Think again. The states are and it’s enforced by the courts.

Just when I think I’ve seen everything that could burn me up about my own case, I discover something that sets my blood pressure sky-high all over again.

While preparing my next post along the path of Custody Evaluation #1, I was reviewing the website for our county’s (court ordered) custody evaluation program (I’ll call it CEP for short). Something caught my eye and made me rather angry because while I’ve long ago realized that we are only parents to our children as long as the state/government “allows” us to be, I’ve never seen it posted anywhere as “in your face” as it is on the CEP website. Read it and think about it…

“Most parents sincerely believe they know what is in their child’s “best interests.” What they may not fully realize is that the “best interests of the child” constitutes a legal standard that only a judge will decide.”

Not only is it written in a most condescending “we know better than you do” tone, they flat out tell you – the choices to be made for your children are out of your hands once there is a divorce and custody dispute (if not long before that).

Read it again. Digest it. Tell me how you feel. Most CEPs operate with this mindset. I’d strongly suggest that you not get divorced if you’ve already chosen to get married. All it takes is one high-conflict personality to place the decision making right smack in the hands of the mommy-state.

Your children are not yours. They belong to the state and the state allows you to babysit them with all of the associated expenses. Don’t forget it.

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Heading Towards Custody Evaluation #1

Leading into the Fall of 2004, PEW’s original work plan was to find a full-time day job because the children would be in school (S1) and daycare/pre-K (S2). However, given the adversarial nature of the proceedings and specifically her first attorney who was looking for the maximum money under every rock, it would make sense that her plan would change.

You see, if both kids were in school, there would be almost no compelling reason aside from straight-up family court mother-bias to change the custody arrangement at the time, which was effectively 50/50 shared. However, her crazy-assed Summer schedule of 2nd-shift Fridays, double-shift Saturdays, and double-shift Sundays allowed her to be “off all during the week.” This would give those involved in forcing a decision on the custody matter to look favorably upon PEW. After all, she was going to “be available all week long” to tend to the children. This arrangement could be leveraged to leave me with weekends and her with primary custody. That would be her plan exactly. Success meant primary child-support money. Success meant there was going to be little chance that I would be able to afford the steep child-support figure and be able to keep the children settled in the marital home for at least half of the total custodial time.

Still, there were the occasional scheduling issues associated with this arrangement which led to disagreements about using her sister as a sitter.

LM,

If I am awarded primary custody of the kids, it will be then that re-evaluate going into work at 5pm on fridays. I think I have gone out of my way to accomodate your work schedule(for the past 6 years.) And in return, you “make up” a bunch of lies and put in for a PFA.

My sister is a loving responsible adult. She’s doing great and has been doing great for some time. She is a wonderful Aunt. If you are not coming home at 2:30, she will be taking care of the boys till you get home.

~PEW

PEW,

As indicated by what? Repeated failed attempts to stop drinking? An arrest for public drunkenness? Doing significant damage to wheels and suspension of her car with no recollection as to how it happened? Drunk-driving. Binge-drinking. Drug abuse. Stalking. AA, [the rehab center], etc.?

Don’t think for one second that I doubt your sister’s love for the children, but unfortunately, your faith (and mine) in her efforts to get herself together have failed repeatedly over the past half-dozen years. You may be willing to risk the boys being around for the next failure, but it is of great concern to me. Driving, for sure… and watching them alone. I’ve been there when your sister has been quite unnerved when watching the boys alone. Unfortunately, both of us have to be convinced that she’s suddenly “okay” and I’m not. I’m not willing to risk her losing control if/when the boys become unruly.

In the future, I will make arrangements for appropriate child-care on Fridays for both boys.

~LM

LM,

My sister was not arrested for public drunkeness. She was issued a citation. That was several months ago and she has not had a drink since. Are you coming home at 2:30? Is that what you are telling me? Like I said, if you are not PP will be watching them for the 2 hours.

~PEW

I could not make arrangements to get out of work early that day and was stuck with PEW’s selection for babysitters.

Despite all of the hassles, I had previously explained that in the aftermath of winning the first major court hearing on the schooling issue followed by the PEW’s break-in to the marital home, followed by the restraining order being issued against the PEW, followed by PEW’s choice of her sister as her babysitter of choice given her instability and storied history… I truly believed that things were falling into place for me to get shared 50/50 custody at an absolute minimum. I started to feel that between the documented history and the choices she was making merely weeks before the custody evaluation would bode very well for me and the children.

Boy would I be wrong.

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Inconsequential Details…

…leading up to our first custody evaluation…

In the aftermath of the protection from abuse hearing (or lack thereof), all remained eerily quiet on the road to the custody evaluation. There were a few issues that reared the ugly head from time-to-time:

Once the child-support payments were set-up, there were some snafus with the work check-runs that would prompt the regular, recurring “I didn’t get my support check” emails. Even after that was corrected, knucklehead wasn’t used to the usual red-tape delays that commonly occur because she had to have my wages garnished instead of taking my checks directly. Her choice, not mine. I finally got around to ignoring those emails after telling her a couple of times to take it up with the child support disbursement office. (For the record, I was paying $869/month for child support having them 50% of the time and also paying “temporary spousal support” to the tune of $204/month.) I’m still at a loss to figure out how I was to pay that much and her petition for spousal support was a joke. For someone who “couldn’t afford to pay reasonable attorney’s fees” – she sure was petition-happy during that period.

There was also the small matter of the direct checks I was sending her directly prior to the order. After some hemming and hawing as well as my providing ample proof via canceled checks – that was rectified as well and I received appropriate credit for payments made up to the time we finally had an order entered.

Our work schedules were tough and kind of messed-up on Fridays which brought another round of issues surrounding her desire to have her alcoholic, bipolar, untreated psycho-sister watching the children for a few hours on Fridays until I could pick them up. There was nothing I could do except document my objections. She tried to leverage my inability to adjust my work schedule into “being okay” with her sister watching the children. I simply repeated my objections and stated that there was nothing I could legally do to stop her from using psycho-SIL as a babysitter.

It was also the earliest foray into partial parallel-parenting, too. Though I still hadn’t officially heard of it, we had some problems with me sending the children over dressed in decent clothing only to have her not return the clothing. It wasn’t long before I was left with nothing but sweatpants and sweatshirts. When I asked her about returning the clothing, she informed me that they “didn’t fit right” and she disposed of them. It would be the last time I sent them back to her in anything that she didn’t first supply me with. The clothes were fine. So, from that moment on, I washed whatever it was they arrived in and sent them back home in it when it was time to return them. To this very day, I still do that. Money is tight and especially then… I couldn’t afford to have her trashing the clothes that I had purchased for them.

Between September and mid-October, we would have attended 6 custody evaluation sessions. 2 each alone. 1 together. 1 together with the children. Stay tuned…

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To Document or Not To Document (And When)?

Despite the struggles experienced as we’ve walked this path of familial destruction, one thing that has been a tremendous help along the way is having documentation of the experiences, The Psycho Ex-Wife‘s behaviors, voice mails, you name it. Of particular help has been that documentation which is written by the PEW herself. While it has never had the “earth-shatteringly positive” effects I had often hoped it would have, it has helped, particularly when it came to defending myself against the never-ending and ever escalating accusations. Without it, it most certainly would have been my word against hers, the all-too-common “he-said, she-said” and when up against a person who can act and cry on a moment’s notice and play the victim role worthy of an Academy Award – I would have suffered so much more, of that I’m sure.

We still live in a world where men are taught to treat a woman like a lady. By and large, that’s not a bad thing to teach or learn. It becomes a societal problem when the people with whom you’ll deal on a regular basis have been taught the same. No one goes about teaching children that in divorce & family court that a mother has the capability to use any means necessary to their advantage, no matter what. Attorneys, judges, conferences officers can be and often are – duped by the dramatic presentation, the flow of tears, and facing a mother who “only wants what’s best for her children.” She is vulnerable. She is in need of help. When you live in a world where it is generally accepted that men are always the predator and women are always the victim, dad is behind the proverbial 8-ball before proceedings ever start.

The personal issue with which you’ll struggle – when do you start the documentation. Most people live their lives working to save loving, happy memories. They don’t set out to save unhappy memories and bad times. It’s unnatural. It’s not normal. It’s also difficult when you’re doing so while continuing to try to work to save the marriage. You’ll feel sneaky. You’ll feel as though you’re “setting her up.” You’ll also need to get over it. There is too much at stake to take a flyer on things working out or for things not to get so much more nasty than they have already been in your relationship and you’re going to need all of the help you can make for yourself.

All I can tell you is what prompted me to begin the documentation saving: I started saving everything when I realized that I was not going to be able to improve things and that I believed that it was only a matter of time before the marriage would end. None of the counseling worked. Moving didn’t work. Changing myself didn’t work. It was one hurdle placed after another. Add to the mix the many times had actually left or threatened to leave during our relationship, and there was simply nothing else to conclude. It was going to end. It was just a matter of when. So, back in about the year 2000, I saved every nasty email and letter and exchange. I did so only because despite my belief that things had changed for the better for fathers (boy, was I wrong) – I knew her penchant for embellishment and flat-out fabrication was a finely honed skill. No one would believe any story I would tell them because her private persona was so radically different from her public one (well, excepting the rare public meltdown). I had no choice but to start saving the evidence that would either exonerate me from whatever accusations would be forthcoming and/or to show people the “real” PEW. Even with all of the documentation, there were disbelievers, I assure you. It will be a great challenge to show the world and expose a master manipulator for who they truly are. The fall-back position is being able to show the world who you truly are not.

History can be your friend if you are dealing with a manipulative woman. Chances are that you have known each other for a decent period of time. Over the period of your life that you have been involved with this person you should have had a chance to see her in action. Throughout your relationship she has probably learned how to push your buttons just as much as you have learned to push hers. This intimate knowledge can be turned into strength for you.

In terms of your relationship, healthy or otherwise, be conscious of her actions. More importantly, be conscious of your own! Realize what she is trying to do when she behaves badly or appears to be pushing you for a bad reaction. She may be doing her best to make you look bad while keeping a log of every wrong step you take. Any incident could just as easily come back to haunt you during the custody proceedings. In every situation, you must remain as calm and rational as possible. You must not escalate. Never forget, anything you put in writing can be used for the same ends. If you engage in long back-and-forths via email, always be the calm one. No foul language. No insults. No threats. You best always be doing the right thing no matter what. This is easier said than done and requires a great deal of self-discipline.

Whenever possible, turn the tables. Be very diligent about keeping a journal or some sort of record concerning her aggressive, manipulating, or baiting behavior. The tables are turned when you use her own attempts at manipulation to make her look bad and prepare yourself to have those moments come back to haunt her.

Like it or not, women have the decided advantage in a custody fight. Even a woman who is not normally manipulative has an advantage. If you truly believe that it is in the best interests of your child(ren) to be under your care, you must be realistic and know that the battle will likely get quite ugly. As seen in our guest column from August 24th, 2008, she may do things that you never thought she could be capable of. As sad a reality as this is, you will have to become manipulative in your own right in order to expose that “dark side” and accumulate the documentation you need to help yourself and your children.

A father has to do work very hard to come out of a custody battle with a high-conflict spouse and have any meaningful amount of custody of his children, let alone sole- or primary-custody.

When do you start saving the documentation? Only you have the answer to that question. Even in a perfect relationship, those few times where your partner went “off the deep end” and wrote you a vile nastygram, assaulted you and admitted it during an email exchange, wrote you about suicidal thoughts or actual attempts – whatever it is – it may be worth stashing away in an email folder. My choice came when, after years of struggling and trying to mend the ills within our marriage, I knew it was a lost cause. Fortunately, I had more than 4-years worth of documentation prior to her pulling the plug. Hell, even telling her from the outset of what I was doing and why never stopped her from going berserk. She still hasn’t stopped to this day.

You may not be that “fortunate.”

Trust me when I tell you that I know that this article is one that will be difficult to digest. Suggesting that one might consider saving such things, even in a great marriage, flies in the face of what we believe about hope, love, faith, trust… I’ve even had the bizarre thought that two people should have a mutual agreement to save such items. If nothing else, it could help to keep both parties rather civil during disagreements!

I’m very interested in seeing what your thoughts are on this topic.

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Timeline 2004 – Part 2

The 2nd-half timeline from 2004 continues from Timeline 2004 – Part 1.

In August of 2006, I had submitted to my attorney #2 a “timeline of events since the divorce process began” to try to get her up to speed. I also tried to coordinate this timeline to refute PEW’s oft-repeated contention that I didn’t care about the kids, just the money… an assertion that was clearly projection and could be supported specifically or through “circumstantial evidence” of her conduct (and the timing thereof).

The following timeline demonstrates the chain of major events and summarizes the motivation behind each. You will notice that PEW is consumed by continued negative engagement of me as she was throughout the course of our marriage. You will notice that the benefit of the children is secondary to the benefit of PEW and her desire to continue abuse and harass me as well as do things solely for her own financial benefit and my financial detriment.

• July 15th, 2004 – She contends that I want to be the primary custodian to avoid having to pay support. This, despite voluntarily giving her money until the details of the support order are worked out. Despite the fact that I wanted to do whatever was possible to maintain joint custody and keep things as normal as possible for the children. My position changed due to her increasingly aggressive behavior and the surprise notification that she had filed for custody of the children. Over the course of the next year – she often complains about money.

• July 23rd, 2004 she brings up the issue of sending S1 to Catholic School. I don’t agree with such a change, particularly since she and I agreed back in February and PEW registered him… that it was a good idea. Shortly thereafter, she filed for an emergency hearing on the issue. PEW initiates litigation.

• July 26th, 2004, I complain again (this time via email) about PEW dropping the boys off at 7AM, in their pajamas and unfed. She needs to do this to get to work on time but cannot afford to lose the “overnights” for fear of losing the child support. She responds unkindly. The issue was, she didn’t keep them overnight. She took the children, went out to a party, and left the children at her parents’ house. This is the extent that PEW will go to in order to minimize my time with the children and ensure she gets credit for overnights.

• July 26th, 2004 her first mention of switching to full-time day shift and mockingly mentions how much extra I will have to pay in support to her.

• July 31st, 2004 – I express to PEW that I was bothered by the fact that she took the children to see a PG-13 rated movie. Keep in mind that S1 was 5 and S2 was 3. The movie was Spiderman 2 and the level of violence and other adult situations were not suitable for young children.

• August 16th, 2004 – I send her an email about giving the kids ice cream before dropping the children off to me in the afternoons. It was becoming a daily event and it was undermining my ability to teach the children to eat right or even get them to eat a meaningful dinner. In a phone call response, she reacts harshly calling me names, as usual and telling me that she can do whatever she wants to make the kids happy.

• August 17th, 2004 – We have a short hearing regarding custody and are ordered to go through a custody evaluation. It’s at this time that PEW changes her mind regarding going to a full-time day shift, which is important to note as she uses her “availability during the full week to be with the children” as leverage during the custody evaluation.

• September 1st, 2004 – Court hearing before Judge K— regarding where the children will attend school. Judge K— ruled in my favor after hearing the details of the circumstances and S1 attended [Something] Elementary school as planned. S2 was “permitted” to go to pre-school at St. [Catholic School] if we agreed with that. We did. I return to work that morning. PEW left the courtroom extremely angry.

• September 1st, 2004 – While at work, hours later, I’m in an important meeting regarding a new start-up we’re doing in [another country]. My cellphone rings and I look at the display… it’s a phone call… from the marital residence. I remove myself to a private conference room and answer. It’s PEW. She announces she broke into the house and that she is moving back in. She claims to have fired her attorney, broke her apartment lease and that’s that. Unable to talk her out of leaving, I call the police, explain the situation and tell them that I am heading home and wish them to be present for the discussion. Discussion, cops, discussion… the police inform me that there is nothing they nor I can do to get her out since she’s on the deed (no settlement yet). She can stay. So, I resign myself to the fact that, for at least the short term, we’ll have to go back to living together and try to do it amicably. The children were present for all of this. S1 and S2 think that we’re “getting back together” and even begin telling all of the neighbors that we’re “getting back together to be a family again.” This was a very difficult ordeal for the children to experience.

• September 2nd, 2004… I speak with my attorney, who suggests that I file a Protection From Abuse Order. I explain to him that I don’t think it’s a good idea, tell him about the suicidal overtures discussed by PEW the previous night, and tell him that I was afraid that doing so might push her to follow-through. Further, given the nature of her work, filing one could result in her losing her job which would put further pressure on her. Later, I go to the police station in [town] and describe the conversation that PEW and I had the night before where twice she made references to “wanting to end it all” and “if I lose these kids, I dunno what I’ll do, probably kill myself.” I tell them that I fear for her, my boys, and myself and that I suspect that she COULD even injure herself and try to make it look like I assaulted her. They take the report, I go home. We discuss the logistics of S1 getting off to school next week. I make some calls to adjust planned arrangements for after-school care which should no longer be necessary. She runs errands with the boys telling me that she is going back to her apartment to get the hermit crabs for the boys and some other things. Upon her return, I tell her that I am going into the office and she tells me to wait… she wants to talk about something. She sends the kids in the yard… and she announces she is moving back out. I get upset. I tell her that this charade is going to wreck these boys. She feigns an attack at me, in my estimation, to try to get me to put my hands on her… I retreat to my car across the street and she comes out in the driveway and at the top of her lungs (in an effort to try to get the attention of neighbors) goes into this disgraceful, expletive-laced tirade screaming to them “DO YOU KNOW WHAT KIND OF NEIGHBOR YOU HAVE?!?!?” and she is unrelenting. In the meantime, the children are in the front window witnessing all of this. I just lean against my car waiting for the police again… (there is still nothing that they can do). While waiting, I asked her if she had brought the firearms that she stole from me (today was one of the many promised dates of the return of them). She then made the threat about the guns. During our exchange she informed me that she didn’t break her lease and she did all of this on the advice of her attorney. The police arrive and they tell me that there is still nothing they can do, not even about the firearms because they are “marital property” as far as they are concerned.

• September 3rd, 2004 – Due to her behavior and attempt to start a physical confrontation, I feel I am left with no choice but to file the PFA that [my attorney] suggested the previous day. I follow-though on that. (Later, PEW would tell me that her actions were suggested by her attorney.)

• September 8th, 2004 – Hearing on the PFA. Prior to going to trial, PEW’s attorney makes an offer to settle the matter and agrees to turn the firearms over to the Sheriff’s Department immediately. I get exclusive possession of the home, very specific exchange details, not stalking, abusing, harassing… and the well-being associated with the fact that, given her suicidal discussion, she will no longer be in possession of the firearms. Sometime over the course of the next two weeks, PEW informs me that Sheriff’s Deputies have been at her apartment looking for her and she asks me if I know what it is about. I discover that she hasn’t turned the firearms over to the Sheriff’s Department and that a bench warrant was issued. My understanding is that she had to go to court and explain why she hadn’t complied with the order to turn over the guns. Apparently, no sanctions were levied and the firearms were eventually turned over to the police.

• Between September and October of 2004, we attend multiple custody sessions with [Custody Evaluator 1]. She doesn’t want to review the evidence I have brought regarding PEW’s abusive behavior and inability to parent the children effectively. She doesn’t even consider nor does she want to talk about the circumstances surrounding the break-in at the marital residence with the children and the subsequent PFA, dismissing it as “lawyer posturing in a custody case.” PEW accuses me (without any evidence whatsoever) of being physically abusive, a drug abuser, an alcoholic, a philanderer, among many other things. In November of 2004, her recommendation comes in an it effectively relegates me to 6 days per month (during the school year), the children to go to school in PEW’s school district (despite Judge K—’s previous ruling). Part of her decision hinges on the understanding that PEW’s work schedule affords her full weekdays with the boys and the belief that my only reason for wanting custody is because PEW wouldn’t agree to settle on the house.

• November 2004 – On the advice of my attorney – I begin to negotiate with PEW for a more even custody arrangement. He tells me that the court relies “heavily” on the recommendation of the evaluator and that there was no possibility that we would be able to overcome her recommendation. Effectively, if we went to court, I would more than likely get what [Custody Evaluator 1] recommended. So, I followed his advice. Given the fact that this ruling effectively eliminated any chance of keeping the marital residence for the children’s sake and the sake of the best logistics for PEW and I to manage coparenting, we agreed (initially) on a 50/50 arrangement and to put the marital residence up for sale agreeing to split assets 50/50. This occurred on or about November 29, 2004. At some point during this time, PEW pays, on her own, to have the house reappraised. The appraisal comes back some $18,000 higher than when it was appraised in the Spring. She makes new demands based upon the new appraisal (more money) and it’s a figure I cannot accommodate.

• November 30th, 2004 – PEW begins to renege on the agreement we worked out between one another on assets. She decides that she wants the van and additional cash of $5000.

• December 2nd, 2004 – PEW begins to renege on the agreement we worked out for custody and asks for “more time” to reconsider before I have my attorney draw up the paperwork. She complains about her legal fees and how she feels she deserves more money. PEW threatens to initiate litigation. She regularly uses [Custody Evaluator 1’s] custody recommendation as leverage to alter agreements between us. Whenever she didn’t get her way, she used filing for custody and using [CE1’s] recommendation as a threat. This would continue over the course of the next month or so. At the end of this email exchange, she again agrees to the terms we had previously discussed on both matters.

• December 10th, 2004 – PEW informs me that [my attorney] will be getting back the agreement with some “minor” changes. One issue – instead of alimony ending immediately, she demands that it end when the divorce decree is entered so that she can continue to collect more money.

• December 16th, 2004 – I find out that the “minor” changes included reducing my time with the children from 50/50 to where I had them only 11 days per month (maximum). Additionally, she wanted me to pay alimony until the divorce decree was obtained (money). Further, there were addendums for me to pay for car repairs, essentially warrant the car she chose to keep with $5,000 cash for 90-days. I protested but was met with threats of litigation and use of [CE1’s] recommendation, so I complied believing that 11-days was better than 6-days per month. She also said that it was not about money, it was about logistics and that she had no intention of filing for a support modification if that was my concern. (Shortly after the agreement was entered, she would do JUST that.)

• December 28th, 2004 – She sends me an email complaining about the Mercury in the snow and blaming me for her decision to take the car and the cash.

• December 30th, 2004 – More car complaints. First threat to take initiate a modification of support in the aftermath of our agreement because she deserves more money.

After starting out the first year of this mess with a “win” on the school issue (my attorney was excellent during that hearing), I was hopeful. However, my hopes were crushed as every step of the way I started to realize that not much had changed since my parent’s divorce. I truly felt I had lost before I ever got started. The horrible experience with the custody evaluator only emboldened PEW to make ever increasing demands. As a result, my fears over total financial devastation and loss of the children increased dramatically and I was left scrambling trying to make the best of what was now a very bad situation – only getting worse. All the while, PEW was flexing her new found leverage with the Custody Evaluator’s Report to continue to beat me into submission.

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Dealing With YOUR Offspring Takes a Lot Out of Me

Well, it was almost the weekend of the bachelorette party which never materialized and probably never really existed. August 13th, 2003. More complaining about the kids. More wanting to just drop everything and leave the kids with me. More “I can’t control them.” More of the same critical examples that a custody evaluator or two decided did nothing to concern them with regard to her ability to parent.

PEW: which one of the boys broke the tassle off the pillow
LM: S2. Dragging them both around by the tassle last night.
PEW: and who put the cactus in the pot
LM: S2. I had to pull him off of the window sill twice last night. 🙂
PEW: from now on there’s going to be sever punishments for wrecking my shit. they shouldn’t be touching my shit. they have enough toys here

I had to laugh while re-reading this. S2 was something of a buster at times. Our home had a really large bow window with a deep sill. We could probably toss a twin mattress on it. Well, turn your back for a minute and S2 would be up in the window like a doll on display. Ahhhh… the memories.

What’s a “sever” punishment? I guess now we’re going to step up to chopping a limb off for such egregious violations of childhood like ripping tassles off of a pillow.

LM: Tassles are very attractive.
PEW: no shit….i love those pillows
LM: And putting nice stuff where a 2YO can touch it… is asking for trouble.
PEW: these kids wreck every fucking thing I like. no LM…they need to learn. lost of people with kids have nice stuff. S1 is definately old enough to be taught… and if S2 is stopped while he’s doing it……he’ll eventually learn too
LM: Yes, eventually.

Will all of the people who have “nice stuff” like a flea-market tassle pillow left within reach of a 2-year old, please raise your hand now.

*CRICKETS*

That’s what I thought.

PEW: did you make an appt with Dr. P yet?
LM: no
PEW: well you’re close to having your wish…..of having the house and the kids and everything
LM: That’s not my wish.

Well, it should have been!

PEW: well your wish for me to just deal with being treated the way you treat me and put up with no sex and minimal companionship because your always busy doing something else…..aint happening anymore. you can have the house and you and the boys can destroy anything you want then
LM: Again, you spoke of not being appreciated.
PEW: i’ll visit them frequently

My guess is that this is where I was to start begging, “Ohhhh… nooooo… PEW, that wouldn’t be good at allll… don’t say things like that!”

LM: I certainly could be more aggressive in the sex department… but it’s hard to motivate myself to force you when you’re tired. I’ve NEVER turned down a sexual encounter to “do something else.” So, I can’t understand why you have yourself convinced that is the problem, but I can’t change that mindset.
PEW: please…i can only think of one reason why a man could go 2 months without sex
LM: You think what you want. Hire a PI.
PEW: there’s only a few alternatives
LM: Have me followed. Knock yourself out.
PEW: well it would be great if you actually fell in love or something. that would be the answer to my prayers
LM: Stop acting like a child. You just get mad and have a hard time letting go of your anger.
PEW: if you say so LM
LM: Over the course of the last 2 months, I’ve wanted to boff a MINIMUM of a dozen times. If you weren’t too tired, you were asleep in the boys room. One time, we were definitely going to go, and after you put the kids to bed, I came upstairs to find you in our room, in bed, in the dark, at 9:30. I apologize for not forcing myself on you.
PEW: lemme ask you this….what were you doing downstairs all those times. you didn’t even touch me
LM: Watching TV.
PEW: please who are you kidding
LM: On the PC. Either/or
PEW: I know what are situation is ok, you won’t convince me that you want sex from me desperately
LM: Should I be acting desperate? Trust me… I know how to relieve myself if things get “desperate.” It’s not that difficult. Your inability to let go of anger doesn’t help. That tacks at least a week onto the dry spell. Then it’s “my fault” when I don’t re-up with the overtures. Because I don’t know when I’m out of the doghouse.

Ain’t that the truth! Let me tell you, it was early and often – the dry spells were so long. Thank God for opposable thumbs. It got so bad I was walking around like a real-life GI-Joe with the Kung-Fu Grip. I needed physical therapy just to get my fingers straight again.

PEW: there’s always a dry spell…this is just another. in a long line of dry spells
LM: Well, it isn’t me who is in bed at 9, 10 o’clock every night you’re not working.
PEW: oh well, dealing with YOUR offspring takes alot out of me

There she goes again! So, is it my fault or is she always tired and asleep by 9PM because dealing with “my offspring” takes so much out of her?

LM: No doubt. But I’m not the one here who is railing against the lack of sex lately. If you’re tired, you’re tired. Like I said… I’m not going to force myself on you. As a person who I can’t remember having been up past 10PM this calendar year if we weren’t out at some function, I feel you have some nerve coming at me regarding lack of sex. I’m ready to go if you can find it in yourself to forgive my alleged transgression and move on in a loving fashion.
PEW: well you know i can’t seem to muster up the humility all the time to ask you to step away from your forums….or your poker tournaments
LM: lol
PEW: please….
LM: You please. I’ve hosted exactly 2 tournaments since February.
PEW: maybe if you did something special for me every once in a freakin blue moon. never
LM: Oh geeze.
PEW: if you want it so bad maybe you should stop and buy a $5 bunch of flowers
LM: ok.
PEW: or get a sitter and take me to Burger King. yeah ok. I don’t deserve shit. I get it……and I’m done with it. same shit different year….only now I have 2 kids
LM: Poor you.
PEW: no not poor me…..because your a good Dad so you can have them… I can’t control them anyway

Lack of finances aside… she deserves to be treated to something special, what – with all of the clear and convincing evidence that she did anything other than cause our home life to be completely miserable… complain about me… complain about the children… leave… threaten… she’ll never realize how often she should be thanking the Lord that I didn’t buy a big cactus and jam it up her ass.

Why didn’t I do that? I loved my family. I loved my children. I simply wasn’t going to jeopardize that (for all the good it eventually did).

GI Joe with the Kung-Fu Grip hopes everything is going well in your part of the world!

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PEW Reverses Course – Apologizes

Not that it matters. On the heels of yesterday’s post, I had received another antagonizing email from PEW. It was short & simple:

LM,

So you’re not going to get a land line then or let the boys have a cell phone? I want to be clear when I file, so can you please confirm?

~PEW

No reply. An hour later, 7:00AM, I get this:

LM,

I’m not filing a petition at this time. I apologize if my tone was accusatory. I’m sure the situation is difficult for you at times. It is for me too. I worry constantly about the kids when they are not with me and honestly, they have been upset alot lately for many reasons and that concerns me. It makes me very emotional about the situation because I don’t know what to do to help them, aside from asking for another evaluation, which I really don’t want to do. They love you very much and I know it would be better for them if instead of us fighting it out in court, we were able to work things out for them somehow without all the ugliness. The phone thing is a valid concern. I’m not asking you to put out the money, I can get them a phone.

Again, I apologize for my tone and insulting DW. Trying to be nice after three years of nastiness is new territory for me. I’m sure the boys complain about me too at times.

I don’t have what it takes right now to go back to court, it’s way to draining. I just feel like I’m up against a wall and it’s the only threat I have, but I’m sure that my saying that is upsetting. Sorry.

~PEW

Without the history laid out before you, this might be an apology from any normal, sane person worthy of acceptance. I must tell you, an email like this is as rare as a sighting of Bigfoot. In fact, in the last 4-years since the initiation of the divorce, I can’t think of a single one.

The apology email is bizarre on so many levels. At 6:00AM, she’s still fired up and engaging. An hour later – a complete course reversal with a heartfelt apology that, on the surface, seems sincere. It’s not. As always, it won’t be long before the next issue as she sees it will start the cycle over again. The apology is also an effort to have me engage her further, to let my guard down, to perhaps lower my boundaries. It won’t happen. Now we’re kindred spirits, struggling in the aftermath of a difficult divorce and custody situation. The honest truth is that the only part of this that is far and away the leader in difficulty – is the interaction between me and the PEW. Literally, we have almost no need to discuss anything together aside from issues relating to the children – and not those that are imagined, embellished, or are otherwise complete fiction created in her own mind.

I don’t know what to do to help them, aside from asking for another evaluation…

Among other line-items, this one sticks out like a sore thumb. Repeating myself, as usual, there is that telling quote again. “I don’t know what to do.” Of course, her answer is, defer to someone else… a custody evaluator. If it’s a problem at school, she doesn’t know what to do and she’ll defer to someone else… a teacher or guidance counselor. If it is a minor health issue, she doesn’t know what to do and she’ll defer to someone else… the doctor. If it is a problem at home, she doesn’t know what to do and she’ll defer to (and blame) someone else… me. I’m not sure folks understand just how scary those words are when they come from the other parent of your children who has custody 50% of the time. “I don’t know what to do.”

Trying to be nice after 3-years of nastiness is new territory? Trying to be nice after 12+ years of nastiness would be new territory for her. I don’t even need for her to be nice to me. What I need is for her to live her own life. Live it to the fullest when the children aren’t with you. GO! GODSPEED, PEW! When the children are with you, live it to the fullest with them. Do right by them. Help them grow up to be normal, well-adjusted, successful individuals. Don’t bother me unless you absolutely have to. I don’t bother you unless I absolutely have to and I’m perfectly fine with that. No, we’re not going to be buddies. That’s unfortunate, but that’s life. Our history (and your disorders) have sealed that fate.

The questions of her that a person might want to ask after reading this would be:

– Why do you accuse or otherwise intimate that he is abusing the children?

– Why do you feel like your back is up against the wall?

– What the hell is wrong?

I spoke with the children at length on Monday just to try and get a feel for where they are at. Of course, I knew that her concerns and accusations were embellished and/or fabricated. Other than some complaints that one would expect from a near 7YO and a 9YO, there was nothing out of the ordinary. They’re not abused. They’re both doing very well in school. They’re both doing well in scouts (despite the fact that she has done nearly nothing to help them with their achievements). They’re mostly happy. They’re mostly healthy. They’re looking forward to the weather warming up.

It’s inexplicable to me that they are conveying anything to her that is worthy of all of her drama, her concerns, her worry, her fears, etc. Well, except for the fact that they’re now with me half of the time. My bets are exclusively on that. She’s lost that much more control over me, the children, and the situation. She’s been exposed repeatedly in court, so that avenue is not really a realistic one for her going forward. (Though, it likely won’t stop her from trying.) She has “always known” I was “the better parent” and has as much said so in court and in at least one evaluation. If not “the better parent” – an “excellent father” and she “couldn’t ask for a better father.” Yes, those comments get lost under the constant barrage of drug abuse, alcohol abuse, domestic violence, homosexuality, impotence, child-abandonment, deadbeat dad, and all of the other horrible things she says… but they’re in there, too. (Yes, I laughed as I typed that. No, it isn’t really funny.)

No, I’m not proud of that reality. It only serves to cause me more concern. What is she going to do if the children encounter real problems, like doing drugs? She doesn’t know what to do when they are mad that Dad doesn’t let them watch as much TV as they want, or play with inappropriate toys, what the hell is she going to be able to do to effectively parent these children as they grow? Every evaluation we have had has said she has zero problem solving skills and that she only focuses her anger on LM. And yet, here we are, with her still having 50% custody although she doesn’t have the parenting skills to actually parent.

From the custody evaluation #2 – I offer briefs of the conclusion paragraphs for each regarding parenting. This was from nearly 3-years ago and probably provided the fairest and most accurate assessment of each us.

“LM’s bond with S1 and S2 appeared genuine. He is an intense person with a strong work ethic and excellent parenting strengths. He has a history of making long commitments in both work and personal relationships.”

(versus)

“PEW is struggling with adapting to post-divorce life. Further, while her parenting style is materially different from LM, his absence creates a void where the children can and will challenge her authority more vigorously, thus, reducing her effectiveness. Her powerlessness was evident as her problem-solving ability around this issue was stunted.”

Nevermind that my “absence” was created by her choice to walk out and end the marriage after repeated failures to seek or maintain help. Nevermind that my absence was caused by the first custody evaluation where I didn’t get a fair evaluation (her conclusion was the reason I wanted custody was because PEW wouldn’t accept a settlement on the marital home, more details in a future post). Nevermind that my absence was caused by PEW blindsiding me, without justification, for sole custody of the children when we had a working shared parenting situation.

Clearly, this has only gotten worse over the years. Having nothing short of the most basic parenting skill, I would agree, is “materially different.” Still, due to the fact that, at the time, I was 3-1/2 hours away, despite the evaluator’s concerns regarding her lying and her having an untreated, diagnosed bipolar alcoholic living with her and playing a caretaker role in the children’s lives – she still recommended primary custody to PEW! Yep, there are still people out there who will argue that fathers get a fair shake in family court.

———————————————————————–

Later in the evening, the boys wanted to talk some more about how mom has been acting. I won’t get into it all, just something very specific.

They are very worried because mom is again, as she has many times in the past, telling the children not to worry because when they are 12-years old, they will go before the judge and “get to pick” who they want to live with.

This is wrong on so many levels that I don’t need to describe to my primarily normal readers. If you’re not normal, just post a reply and I’ll be happy to explain it to you.

The children are very concerned about this predicament and extremely anxious that mom is talking with them about court issues again.

I told them how to handle it again. Tell her, respectfully, Mom, I asked Dad about this and he reassured me that no judge will make me choose between my parents. Please don’t speak to me about your court issues with dad anymore, I don’t want to hear about it. Please stop telling me I will have to pick who I live with.

S1 also described several situations where he said “…and I know she was lying.” Or, “I’ll tell her one version of how something went, and then it goes through this filter or something, and comes out of her so much worse than what I said!”

The kid knows what’s going on and it isn’t right. It’s really hard carefully trying to explain these things without overtly bad-mouthing mom. I simply told him to “trust his gut” and never be afraid to tell me about anything he has concerns about, even if he’s afraid it will hurt my feelings. It might, but it probably is something we need to discuss anyway and he has to trust that I will not be mad about it, especially if he’s strong enough to approach me about it.

I also offered to openly call PEW and put her on speaker phone with the children and I would explain to her what I had explained to them about their court input (which is completely inaccurate). I explained that if this is really scaring you that bad, we can respectfully confront her about it and ask her to stop telling you that. They told me not to… for now… and that my explanation was clear and they understood.

Sad, but somewhat humorous how children oftentimes “get it” – we spoke about how the little complaints that they tell get processed by mom. We used several recent examples of normal kid-complaints about parents (tv, video games, etc).

I asked them what they thought mom’s conclusion was with each example. I swear to you, unprompted, S1’s response every time was, “Dad is a bad guy.” That was it. “Dad is a bad guy.” No matter what the story was.

When we used examples of normal kid-complaints that they sometimes have with mom and tell me. It was longer and more thought out. “Usually, you point out if we did something that really wasn’t the right choice.” I laughed. “Then you tell us that sometimes moms and dads have to make decisions we don’t like, but because they know better.” I said… “usually.” 😉

Parental Alienation Syndrome, folks. Malicious Mother Syndrome. Whether you like the name or not, it exists. PEW is working YEARS in advance to convince the children that I’m the “bad guy” and when they’re 12-years old they can stroll into court and pick her over me. It’s disgusting.

They’re “getting it” and it makes me sad.

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The PEW & DW Speak on the Phone!

It will be the only time they ever do. ‘Twas June 30th, 2005.

The call was one of many early on which would degrade into one of the regular useless discussions we had. Obviously, this is way before we learned about low-contact methods. This was the first summer that DW and I were living together and the earliest part of our re-ignited custody battle. This argument centered around her changing her (alleged) plans at the 11th-hour that was going to upset a portion of our scheduled vacation. It was a vacation that had been planned more than 3-months earlier and for which we had agreement on when it would start and the exchange particulars.

Somewhere along the line she asked to speak with DW. I was initially against it and gave both of them several opportunities to say no. Neither did and, against my better judgement, I reluctantly handed over the phone to DW.

From here, the rest of the story will be DW’s to tell.

~LM

—————

I wasn’t exactly thrilled with PEW, as you can imagine, but frankly we needed to get it over with and the conversation began as “I just want to get things settled so we can start getting along.” Okay – great! Haha, pulled me right in, didn’t she?

So things start off with PEW saying she wants to settle the summer schedule so she never has to talk to LM again, I reply, “Well then sign the boys over for the summer like you know you should and then it’s all done.” She agrees and I tell her to have her attorney draw up the paperwork. The reason I said this is that she had a very long history of agreeing, then LM would pay to have the paperwork done, and of course she never would sign it. The prior day PEW had told us she had a new attorney (that would kick our ass of course *rolleyes*).

So, she surprises me when she says, “oh I don’t have an attorney.” I call her on the lie and she spins a story about not being able to afford to pay her, blah blah blah, and what does she do then? She ASKS ME to pay for her attorney. Yes, a woman whose ex-husband I am dating, asks me to pay for her attorney to keep his children away from him. Hello? Can you say psycho? I calmly decline and she begins the downward spiral starting with, “Well, LM is just using you for your money, and you only have money because your parents put you through school.”

Here’s another thing about BPD’s – they try to go for what they perceive to be your weak points, but PEW really didn’t know me. She literally had only seen me for 2 minutes at a time and done some research (stalking) about me online. She falsely assumed a lot of things which just made me laugh. My parents are dirt poor and I worked my way through my degree, but even if my parents had paid for it, I find it funny that she would think that was an insult to me.

From here on out PEW basically tries to throw anything and everything at me hoping something will stick. “Well I just want you to know that I am here for you when LM starts abusing you, because no one was there for me.” First of all, she would have called her Daddy about .025 seconds after something happened if LM had actually abused her, so I didn’t believe that line at all. Then she tries to go after my ex-husband saying she wants to talk to him to let him know “what kind of man [I’m] living with.” Anytime she was met with facts like, “well PEW, we’ve been dating for 11-months now and he has yet to hit me or yell at me, when is this supposed to start?” – she would begin calling me names and telling me that I’m “just like him.”

After a little while we get on the subject of how she introduced the kids to her (short-lived) boyfriend after only 3-weeks, this after arguing that the kids shouldn’t meet me as we had only been dating for 6- or 7-months at the time. She had just lied to the custody evaluator telling her they had been together for 6-months and I called her on it. So what does she do? She asks me if I would like to talk to him because HE IS SITTING RIGHT THERE. Okay, this woman has been talking to her ex-husband’s girlfriend for an hour with her boyfriend sitting there by himself? It’s no wonder he dumped her ass shortly after the call. Anyway, he gets on the phone and I ask when they started dating. He verifies the exact timeline we had told the evaluator. So, PEW gets back on the phone and I call her on it. She starts backpeddling saying they “were dating but not telling anyone.” I asked her if he was aware that they had been dating, she immediately began calling me names again. The more I laughed, the more undone she became.

So then she starts calling me on my education and company background. She apparently believes that she has “earned a psych degree because she worked with kids for 5-years!” (I explained to her that she works with kids because they are the only people who look up to her because they don’t know better. This is supported by the types of problems she had when working with adults in a professional setting.) She went on saying that she has, and I quote, “lived psychology.” I simply replied, “being mentally disturbed, and having 3 family members with bipolar disorder, doesn’t in fact mean you have a psych degree.”

I continually tried to steer the conversation back to the issues we were supposed to be discussing, such as the story she kept telling family members about how LM took the van and left her with the (allegedly) “shitty car.” The reality? She had, in fact, chosen that car in the divorce settlement because it meant she got more money. I asked why she had wanted the marital home sold and the boys kicked out of the only home they had known, etc. She had no answers and would simply start calling me names like a 6-year old.

Since I wasn’t believing her story, she agreed to do several things to prove it all to me. She was going to print all the e-mails she had from LM showing the abuse. They never materialized. Not a single one. She said if the evaluation came down indicating LM as the “better parent” she wouldn’t go to court. Ha, she not only went that time, but again and again, and again. I made a $100 bet that no matter what the evaluation said she would say the counselor was snowed over by LM and that he needed psychological help – she lost, she never paid me. (Yes, CE #2 actually indicated that LM was the better equipped parent, but apparently not enough to give him primary custody. Her recommendation did increase his time, though.) PEW literally used that exact wording – “LM snowed her.” Interestingly enough, I can remember the first thing that custody evaluator #2 said when LM and I went in for our joint session with her. “Well, what are we going to do about PEW?” I kid you not. What do you say to that?

One interesting thing PEW did admit in the conversation was that her parenting skills are poor. Yeah, I was as surprised as you are. I said, “Yes, the children are better behaved when they are not with you.” What did she do? She turned that statement around the next day to everyone in her family and the police claiming that I said “the children were better off without you” and that she was threatened. This incident led to our first threatening phone calls from her family, police calls and visits, which we’ll include at some point.

Believe it or not, I was nice throughout the conversation, never called her a name, never really put her down, until towards the end of the call. She ended up getting so frustrated that she kept repeating over and over that I was “nothing.” I just told her if that makes her feel better to think so, whatever, I know the truth. So she tries to go for one more attack, her favorite: “So, can LM get it up?” Remember, her boyfriend is right there next to her! My response was calm and cool, “Actually yes, on demand, but that’s probably because I take care of myself unlike you,” *CLICK* She hung up just as I was about to add, “you fat pig.” I just had to after listening to her ramblings for an hour and a half. I added a few more sentences that were vulgar just to see LM’s reaction as he didn’t know she had hung up. His mortified facial reaction was priceless – that was the highlight of the call.

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