In the post called “A Couple of Firsts” – DW gives a quick glance at how we came to be in each other’s company and our relationship flourishing. Well, here is the full picture of where I was in early 2004 and how we came together by sheer chance, from my perspective.
I can’t begin to explain everything about her that makes her so amazing. If we start and end with the reality that she is effectively a “volunteer” to all of this madness, that would be enough to paint a good picture. However, it certainly wouldn’t be a complete one.
I had learned from talking to her, her history, and from some of her friends – people whom she considers her close friends – that she was in a very unhappy place back around a year or so before we had met. She was on the brink of some very difficult circumstances and decisions, most of which none of us should ever have to experience. She would put on the brave face and attempt to make the most of having fun when she could only mask the struggles that were always “right there.”
I was in a similar place, though I believe I had made peace with some of the mistakes made in my wake. By March of 2004, I had decided to give up on women believing relationships were too difficult, too much work, and something that just wasn’t worth the effort. Besides, what were the chances of finding someone who would want to start, cultivate, and continue to a meaningful relationship with someone with two children, a monstrous STBEW, and an uncertain financial future given the adversarial divorce/custody circumstances? My motorcycle was my girlfriend. I even told people so. “She is enjoyable. She looks fantastic. She didn’t argue with me about anything. She is a cheap date. For about $10.00, I could ride her all day long, come home, take a nap, get up and do it again – she would go right along with it with nary a complaint!”
I was wrong.
I went on a couple of meaningless dates and flat-out turned down another. No spark. No interest. Truth be told, no real desire on my part, just going through the motions. I wasn’t looking for a relationship! Hell, I wasn’t even divorced yet. I was just looking for some occasional company. Nothing serious. I had too much on my plate anyway. About March or April of 2004, I can recall sitting in the house watching the Rock-N-Roll Hall Of Fame telecast which closed with an all-star rendition of George Harrison’s While My Guitar Gently Weeps and it featured Prince playing the lead guitar (youtube video at the end of this post). I am a fan of his and the musical talent that man possesses puts him high atop the list of performers in my mind. I was blown away by his guitar playing all over again. This is important to the story because it was at that precise moment in time that I was going to buy tickets to his August 22nd, 2004 show since he was “back to normal” again. I bought a pair figuring (to myself) that by the time August rolled around, my situation should mostly be resolved (a foolish moment of optimism I guess) and perhaps I would find someone to take to the show.
I was wrong. Things became increasingly hostile and adversarial through April, May, June…
Sometime subsequent to that ticket purchase I found out that a long-time friend of mine had bought a pair of tickets and her and her husband were going to go. I recall telling her, “Great, hopefully by that time, I’ll find someone worthy of taking to the show and we can double-date!” It didn’t happen as I was dealing with too much on the home-front. Fast forward to about August 16th, 2004 and hear my friends disappointment that I was probably just going to dump the tickets and bail on the show. She pleaded for me to go anyway, and while I don’t mind going to a show like that on my own, I just wasn’t feeling like it.
I was wrong. I really did feel like going, but finding a date at this late point in time just seemed impossible.
I come up with a goofy idea. I decided to post a request for a date on two message boards which I frequent, one run by a mutual friend. I requested a date. I promised no shenanigans, no games, no expectations of anything other than a nice night out without any bullshit… something I hadn’t experienced in quite some time. While I’m certain most initial reactions to this would be – “sad” – followed by a few chuckles, I have managed to convince myself that it was a pretty interesting idea and my expectations were that not one single soul would accept.
I was wrong. Someone accepted.
DW and I talked on the phone beforehand, exchanged pictures, and she agreed to take a chance. She drove to my home in the early afternoon of the 22nd. She lived 4-hours away, so I guess she really must have been hungry and wanted to see a show. She looked great. We talked as though we had been friends for years. In a sense, we were as we “knew” each other from these particular forums as we had both been members for a while.
Neither of us dominated the conversation. We knew we each had difficult personal circumstances and were careful not to let it be the entire focus of our discussion. Things were really nice. Our conversation lasted 2 hours before we headed out to a wonderful dinner at a great restaurant where the conversation continued for about another 2 hours. DW and I agreed that it was during dinner that something seemed to be “clicking” between us (a discussion had at a later date). The drive to the concert was even fun. We’re on a “date” and the two of us have reached a comfort level that saw us singing duets along with the radio in the car together and doing a lot of laughing. It was quite corny actually, but fun nonetheless.
At the concert, we’re walking to our seats and DW is on my right. As we almost walked past the tunnel, I made a sudden turn to go that way (to my right) and DW and I collided. Looking back now, my reaction was one of fear that she would think I was trying to cop-a-feel as I apologized profusely and she just grinned, perhaps telling me to relax. We made it to our seats, the concert starts and it was, as expected, and incredible show. We danced as much as we could given how close the seating situation is at a concert. I can remember looking at her almost all night and “wondering” what she was thinking, how she felt – the usual “first-date with no chance at a second-date” mind ramblings. When we talk about it now, I describe it as “looking in your ear hole the entire time” which she acknowledges she either felt or knew or saw. Whatever. Concert is over, more conversation in the car, though she does rest for a while on the way home. We end up talking until 3AM and she ends up staying over in the spare room rather than driving home 4-hours at that point in time. In the morning, I get up and make her breakfast, we chat some more and then she is gone. I had exactly the kind of date I had envisioned. Actually it probably exceeded my expectations in terms of just how wonderful a night out could be. A night without fear of an unprovoked explosion. A night without a single problem, complaint, foul language, paranoia… I doubted something like that would happen again anytime soon.
I was wrong. Surprised?
After a few days had passed, I contacted DW again, told her how wonderful a time I had with her and expressed hope that perhaps we could get together again sometime in the future. She agreed and the rest, as they say, is history. The long-distance portion of our relationship was born. At the time, the distance was a much needed buffer for one another from our respective situations, mine much more hostile than hers.
We were very forthright with each other regarding our personal circumstances and she had no expectations, but our subsequent meetings in the weeks after our first date were just as amazing in terms of having nothing short of a magnificent time together – mostly doing the simplest of things. The times we spent apart included hours of phone conversations nearly every single night. It was almost sick, we would even watch television shows together on the phone. Of course, our relationship accelerated way faster than either of us expected or (at times) perhaps we wanted. We both still had an incredible level of personal issues with which we had to deal, but the “runaway train” seemingly wouldn’t be stopped.
Why do I feel she is so amazing? Well, besides her great looks, being an amazing lover, and her *ahem* sparkling personality… we both have made some significant sacrifices in our lives in order to support one another and be able to meet our children’s needs. To try and have something that remotely resembled a normal life, relationship, and family. She’s an absolute joy to be around. Fun, funny, interesting, loving – the list goes on. She’s an incredible partner in every facet of our lives. She continues to have to deal with my ongoing custody circumstances and the PEW (and at rare times early on – her family) and assists me in that situation in every way she possibly can. She deals with my occasional anxiety, frustration, and fears in that regard. She does so willingly and sometimes – even that is tested. She does so because she loves me and my children and she knows I love her, SS1 and SD1. She does so because she cares immensely, in the face of incredible frustration of her own at times. She does so because she was wrong about her belief that there was anyone out there worth loving or who would love her in the capacity about which she so often dreamed.
Both of us desired to have a meaningful opportunity to leave the past behind and find a fresh future. Both of us believed it was no longer possible. We were wrong.
It’s still very hard for me (and others) to believe that where we’ve come from, where we are today, and whatever our future holds for us was born of a long-shot post for a “fun evening out” on a friend’s silly message board.
The telecast that started this whole chain of events in motion…
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