Proactive Projection

Despite my title, I give her early credit for taking a stab at heading off any “drama” (as she put it) in the following email:

LM,

I just wanted to update you on S2. He still has a 103 fever. I’m going to give it till tomorrow and see if they can call something other than Amoxcicillan in. If my memory serves me, he never really responds to that. I called the Dr. this morning and they said to give it another 24 hours.

Also, I wanted to head off any holiday drama this year. Thanksgiving is mind right?

I know you get Christmas again, but that IS my week, so you will pick up on Christmas Eve and return them either Christmas Day evening or in the AM on the 26th? Please confirm pick up and drop off asap.

New years is mine this year. which falls during your week, so I am assuming we exchange new years eve and then again New years day??

Like I said. I want to head off the drama before it begins, so please respond asap.

~PEW

It’s apparently still too difficult for her to check the court order as the schedule is that clear.

• Thanksgiving is hers this year.
• Christmas is mine this year, pick-up on Christmas Eve and drop-off on December 26th.
• New Year’s is hers this year, pick-up on New Year’s Eve and drop-off on January 1st.

I did laugh a little at her contention that she is the one trying to head off the drama, considering she is the only one who has engaged in custodial interference, failing to show up for my Christmas holiday with the children in 2006. This resulted in a contempt hearing where she was found guilty of custodial interference and failure to follow other provisions of the court order in place at the time.

But hey… if that makes her feel better and she ultimate complies with the order this year… I’m okay with that!

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Court Hearing: Where the Children Would Go To School

Today I provide the details of the petition, the hearing, and the results of said hearing which precipitated The PEW breaking into the marital household and my subsequent filing of the petition for the filing of the restraining order.

On August 12th, 2004, PEW filed an emergency petition for the court to make the decision regarding where our children would attend school. Though we originally had an agreement, not unlike nearly every other agreement we’ve had, she decided to change her mind to feed her unquenchable thirst for chaos and combat via litigation.

She filed a petition which “further ordered and decreed that pending a hearing, LM is enjoined from removing the minor children from St. Local Catholic School.” As I start to detail the content of this petition and many others, you will notice a pattern of embellishment and flat-out lying that never seems to meet with her being punished for her unsworn falsifications to the court. This, despite the clear and convincing evidence of her having done so. Toss in a good measure of projection and you have the makings of a scary situation that would repeat itself dozens of times over the last few years.

The Petition:

You, LM, Respondent, have been sued in court to enjoin you from the removal of the minor child S1 from St. Local Catholic School and for attorneys fees for the necessity of same.

You are ordered to appear in court… [blah, blah, blah… details dates and times and courtroom.]

EMERGENCY PETITION FOR SPECIAL RELIEF

1 – Petitioner, PEW, natural mother… [inconsequential details].

2 – Respondent, LM, natural father… [inconsequential details].

3 – Petitioner and the parties’ children moved out of the marital residence located in County on May 5, 2004 due to Respondent’s continuing harassing behavior towards Petitioner.

Comment: Here is your first complete lie. PEW set the wheels of divorce in motion in January of 2004. She voluntarily remained at the marital residence until May 5th, 2004 of her own accord and I was agreeable to that in order that she would find a suitable place of residence for herself and the children when they were with her. I had several emails which spoke to how “nicely” I treated her during that period and how “if only” I had treated her that way throughout the marriage, we wouldn’t be divorcing. This is evidence she had failed to remember existed. I never harassed her and it defies logic that she would attempt to impress upon the court that her fears and this fictional harassment “forced her” to stay for nearly 5 months. The fact is, we barely spoke to one another during that period except as a courtesy and only if it was something pertaining to the children.

4 – There are two children… [inconsequential details].

5 – Petitioner filed for Custody and Support on June 1st, 2004. Respondent filed his own petition for custody on June 9, 2004. A conference was held on July 13, 2004 and the Conference Officer made no recommendation pending the results of the counseling process.

6 – The parties’ minor child, S1, attended St. Local Catholic School last year and is currently enrolled in St. Local’s for this upcoming year. The parties’ minor child, S2, is currently enrolled to attend pre-school at St. Local’s for the upcoming year.

Comment: S1 was enrolled in pre-K, and I quote, because PEW “needed a break” from caring for the children and to keep them from “being up her ass 24/7.”

7 – Respondent is now threatening to remove S1 from St. Local and enroll him in public school against Petitioner’s and child’s wishes.

Comment: I didn’t threaten any such thing. The reason for the short duration of the hearing was this all important fact – PEW had actually been the one to register S1 for our award-winning elementary school per our agreement during the 1st-week of February 2004! This was after she had initiated the divorce process! This was the lynch-pin of my defense and I believe the one which made the judge rule in my favor almost instantaneously after testimony was complete. Further, she often speaks on behalf of the children regardless of what they actually do or say. Fact is, S1 was excited to be attending the elementary school in question. It was within walking distance of the marital household. All of his neighborhood friends were going there. That’s not to say that he didn’t enjoy his time at St. Local. However, he was excited to be attending kindergarten at the “big boy school” that was 2 blocks from our home with all of his friends.

8 – The best interests of the children are served by maintaining the continuing loving, stable environment and therefore necessitates the emergency relief sought hereby, as school begins on 9/8/2004.

9 – Respondent’s threat to remove S1 from St. Local and enroll him in public school is solely for the purposes of posturing for his position in the parties’ upcoming custody hearing.

Comment: Projection, plain and simple. The reality was that the rather significant expense of the Catholic school was being used by PEW to force me to sell the house. It was an expense that neither of us could afford and I was already paying significant school taxes for the children to attend the public elementary school. She petitioned often knowing that anything awarded in her favor would be primarily my expense due to our disparity in incomes and I was already struggling to keep up the house payments with child support, temporary alimony, and day-to-day living expenses. She was simply trying to burden me with more expenses which would force the sale of the home.

10 – Respondent has threatened Petitioner that he will “drag out” the divorce proceedings and will continue to maintain sole possession of the marital assets because he believes it will advantage him in the custody proceedings if he remains at the marital residence while Petitioner has been reduced to residing in an apartment.

Comment: I threatened no such thing. I wanted this ended quickly and as painlessly as possible. The only person that “reduced” PEW to living anywhere was PEW. She initiated the divorce without grounds (not that she needs any in our state). She moved out of her own accord and into a rather nice apartment that she took months to discover and obtain. Remember now, our original “agreement” before I was ambushed by her filing for custody of the children was a shared arrangement that was dictated by our respective work schedules.

11 – Respondent maintains sole possession of the marital residence because he is the only party with the financial ability to maintain the mortgage, however, he refuses to negotiate with the Petitioner regarding the distribution of marital assets so that she can obtain her own residence.

Comment: The earliest indicator that she was “entitled” to her own single-family home and that I was responsible for providing the finances necessary for her to accomplish that. Further, as the readers may already know – I negotiated my ASS OFF with this psycho. The only one failing to negotiate in good-faith was the PEW and I had an enormous amount of evidence already to show same.

12 – This latest threat to remove S1 from St. Local’s is simply another example of Respondent’s harassment of Petitioner since it is clearly not in the best interests of the child.

Comment: Again, I threatened nothing. The children were enrolled because we agreed to it and The PEW herself did the registration, the orientation, and the back-to-school stuff necessary. It was only after June or July, when she discovered she wasn’t going to easily get her way that the schooling became an issue. All I did was follow-through on the initial registration by contacting the school, getting to know the principal and the teacher, and making the arrangements for after-school care if necessary. Turns out, it wasn’t. Not only wasn’t PEW working during the school week (a fact I’m guessing she didn’t think would matter to the court), S1 qualified for full-day kindergarten, something I worked solely with the school to obtain for him. Apparently, it was in S1’s best interests to the both of us until PEW decided for no particular reason except to litigate – that it wasn’t.

13 – S1 enjoys and flourishes at St. Local’s. He is familiar with all the teachers and has many friends. Further, after school care is available at St. Local’s. If S1 was forced to go to public school, he would then have to be bussed to a separate after-school care facility.

Comment: Lie. Aftercare wasn’t needed. Even if it was, it was local and associated with the school.

14 – Petitioner believes, therefore avers, that it would be to S1’s detriment to be uprooted from a school he knows and enjoys and to be separated from his brother. Further, the minor children are having emotional issues with the separation of the parties. To cause more transition and instability would be detrimental to both children.

Comment: Says the person who is responsible for more transitions, upsets, moves, and school changes than anyone else in this entire saga. 3 moves to residences (a 4th apparently forthcoming depending upon how her foreclosure notice is processed), 3 schools. It’s interesting that my efforts are to settle things down for the children and ensure some level of stability in their lives and yet, she pontificates about “transition and instability.” The insanity of it all is boundless.

15 – The Petitioner believes and therefore avers that she would prevail on the merits of the hearing to enjoin respondent from removing the children from St. Local’s.

Comment: Of course she does. Of course, the little matter of her explaining why she enrolled them in the public school to begin with would loom large at the hearing.

16 – To permit the minor children to be removed from their present school activities and counseling environment at this time would be damaging to the children’s education and welfare and not in their best interests.

Comment: Drama much?

The bulk of my testimony centered around the following facts:

– The lynch-pin: SHE REGISTERED S1 FOR THE ELEMENTARY SCHOOL!!!

– That we had agreed to send the children to public school – our award-winning elementary school, and we did so after the divorce proceedings were initiated by PEW.

– I had spoken with many parents with students at the Catholic school and checked their facts. They had significantly declining enrollment. They were boosting tuition as a result. There was talk of the school CLOSING. These are things that the PEW had apparently no knowledge about.

– The climate surrounding the Catholic church at the time regarding the sexual abuse of children was something I mentioned. Was I concerned or had any proof that there was anyone at the church who couldn’t be trusted? Certainly not, but it had more to do with the negative perception of the church and all of the controversy surrounding that topic. It was probably partly responsible for the declining enrollment.

– Finally, we were “non-practicing” Catholics and I couldn’t remember the last time we had attended church that wasn’t for a wedding or major Catholic event (Christmas, New Year’s, Easter, Thanksgiving). So, I questioned the veracity of her extolling the virtues of the Catholic Church and the education that they provide when she couldn’t herself remember when the last time it was that she had attended church on a regular basis (let alone the last time she was there for any reason in recent memory).

My attorney (#1) buried her story on the stand. Her position and justifications were indefensible and it was clear. I was absolutely perfect on the stand under the questioning by her attorney.

THE RULING: After testimony was completed, the judge immediately gave his ruling. S1 would go to the public elementary school. S2 could attend Catholic school’s pre-K for the upcoming year but would also attend public school when kindergarten started. Further, I was under no obligation to pay for any attendance at the Catholic school because mom was “stay-at-home” during the week and it was a “luxury” expense.

The lies and embellishments would be a consistent pattern for her and despite my protestations, she was never punished or otherwise sanctioned for filing false petitions. It was a waste of my time and money, the court’s time and money, and even her time and money. However, as long as attorneys, judges, and court staff need paying – they will continue to entertain such frivolous lawsuits.

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"Time will tell which one of us winds up alone and broke and which one of us finds a happy, healthy, relationship"

Yes, it’s a brutally long title, but it is a quote from July 27th, 2004 from the PEW. I would say in light of the circumstances that have transpired and continue to transpire – warranted it’s use. A little, very nasty part of me is going to want to forward this back to her some day. Of course, that might make me as nasty a little bitch as she was for sending that to me, mightn’t it?

LM,

I could certainly say the same about you. If you had worked on the marriage and not sceamed in my face AGAIN. After the 100th time I said if you did it again, I’m leaving you. We’d still be together and the kids wouldn’t have to shuffle back and forth….would they? So, if you had the kids best interest at heart, you wouldn’t have screamed in my face on New Years Day AGAIN!! I know I know….you didn’t do it, right?? You’re still in denial LM. Look in the mirror.

Am I not doing the right thing by the kids by working a 2nd shift job full time. I certainly couldn’t have supported myself and them on $550.00 for 3 months huh? They don’t go to day care everyday. I’m not the one trying to send S1 to public school because that’s not the best place for him. I reiterate…..get HELP.

You just don’t want to pay ANYTHING. Everyone knows that, you’re embarrassing yourself.

~PEW

It’s July. As she almost always did, she dug through her archives and brought something up that has no relevance to the matter at hand. Again, her horrifying, abusive behavior is not subject to criticism, only instances where she wraps herself in the cloak of victimhood.

The other thing that is worth mentioning is that I had already started paying child support without an order to ensure that the kids needs were met at both homes. Further, remember that I bailed her out on moving day when she had the movers do all the work and when they asked for payment prior to unloading – she didn’t have the cash. Can you say (again) PROJECTION?

She immediately followed-up with…

LM,

And again, don’t tell S1 he’ll need his appendix out if he doesn’t eat vegetables. Also don’t get drunk around them. OK?

~PEW

Both false. And to this day, I still can’t figure out how she manages to pull such dung right out of her ass. Scary, mere accusations like this have an influence against a father in court. Expect them. Prepare to be accused of every evil, despicable thing you can imagine and then some.

Which was immediately followed-up with…

LM,

As far as your assertion that I have not lifted a finger to settle things, I laugh….ha ha. I have said from the beginning that I want to have an amicable relationship. I would like to be friends. I want to co-parent our children in the best possible way imaginable. Then you refuse the joint custody, refuse to pay support, refuse to sell the house since you can’t afford to buy me out. Now we have to go through the whole [court-ordered evaluation] thing so that you can have a judge tell you that we will be having joint custody. But hey, if you have a couple extra thousand bucks laying around, I guess that’s what we gotta do. See you in court LM. I’ll be saying…..I told you so when the judge recommends joint custody. What are you thinking? Why would anyone award you primary custody over me? It’s not going to happen, it doesn’t even make sense. For all your insult slinging about me being “mentally ill” I have just as many examples of “your illness”

~PEW

“HA HA.” Jackass. She has/had never attempted an amicable relationship. She never wanted to nor tried to “be friends.” She filed for sole custody. I paid support, just not the support she wanted when I was primary custodian (in practice) – and at a time when she should have been required to pay me support. I refused to sell the house when I could buy her out and sold it when she repeatedly had appraisals done at a time when the market was red-hot. As the appraisals increased, her demands increased until I was priced out of keeping the home. At no time has she presented a single shred of evidence of any mental diseases or defects during the court of all of the hearings and all of the conferences. Just unsupported allegations of anything she could conjure up.

At no time during the last few years did she ever agree to joint custody. It wasn’t until it was ORDERED in the Fall of 2007 did she “agree by force of court order.”

Also, readers – never forget that quote: Why would anyone award you primary custody over me?
This is a firmly entrenched belief of many high-conflict mothers involved in custody disputes. It’s a common theme in our society and in family court. They know it. They use it. Too often, they get it.

Finally, I reply:

PEW,

Award-winning elementary schools… and when you factor in the money I gave you to get into your apartment and all of the other little financial responsibilities that you left in your wake… it was quite a bit more than $550.

[The children’s] elementary school is a fantastic elementary school. This isn’t the [City] school system, PEW.

And spare me your revisionist history. What happened on New Year’s Day was that you accosted me on the way home from your parents at the mere suggestion that you father’s friend was selling a motorcycle. I didn’t scream “in your face.” I love it when you always fall back on that.

~LM

Reality was never her strong suit. Neither was math. The actual figure was somewhere NORTH of $1,200 direct, not to mention a bunch of expenses (like sticking me with a termination fee on her cellphone because “her, her sister, and her mom were getting consecutive phone numbers.” Ain’t that sooooooo cute?) No, that’s not a joke. You would think that these were pre-teen girls. Oh! That’s right. Mentally, that’s exactly what they are.

LM,

You advanced me the tax return when I moved. And what financial responsibilities are you talking about? I pay for the expenses for the van. I am paying the credit card. It was not more than $550. Please, spare me. You are a scary person. Your life hasn’t changed much over all of this, huh? Mine has. I now live in an apartment. I had to buy all new stuff. I had to start working double the hours to support myself while still caring for my own children FULL TIME, so that they don’t have to go to daycare. The list goes on. You are the most selfish, self serving person I have ever known in my life. Especially since you claimed during our marriage that they were the happiest years of your life. Did you lie? Because if that’s the case, this is what I deserve for giving you that and two beautiful children. Haven’t you taken enough from me. You took 10 years of my life and made them a living hell. Can I please have my life back?

~PEW

The victim continues to cry “poor me.” This is pure fiction. She was working 40-hours per week before she left, she was working 40-hours per week after she left. As for “caring for her children FULL TIME” – They were in school or pre-K every day the moment she could put them there. She was home most of the days WITHOUT the children present. Then, on the weekends, I had them (Fridays through Mondays) while she was working an insane night-shift Friday and double-shifts Saturday and Sunday. The amount of actual “wake time” with the children she had in any given week was approximately 16-hours. I had that on a Saturday. Full time my ass.

She was big on “caring for the kids full time.” Even after they entered elementary school, they were gone all day… in aftercare until she was done work… home, dinner, bed. Then, I had them every-other-weekend when I was relegated to NCP status… but she cared for them “FULL TIME.” Ever the martyr.

She was paying off her own credit card. She didn’t have ANY maintenance done on the van in the time she had it. Not even a single oil change in over 10,000-miles before I got it back from her. She absolutely did not “have to buy all new stuff.” We had a house full of furniture she could have taken from. The borderline’s ability to create and believe their own version of reality is uncanny.

PEW,

The few weeks over the course of 10-years where you weren’t descending into that angry, hateful, viper-mouthed person… were some of the happiest in my life. No, I didn’t lie.

I’ve taken nothing from you. You’re the one who wanted a divorce for, and I quote, “you don’t make enough money, I don’t have enough things, and you don’t treat me right.”

You’re the one who never appreciated what you actually did have, could never appreciate any gift, ever… and it was always about what you wanted, wanted to have, wanted to buy, which sisters-in-law had bigger rings than you, hocking the engagement ring… and the list goes on. There is a reason why you NEVER, ever wanted to establish a budget with me. You didn’t want the responsibility of being grown-up enough to save money to acquire the things you wanted to have. Lord knows I asked you often enough. You wanted to go into massive credit card debt because “all of your friends” had massive credit card debt. We only refinanced 7,000 times because of it, and the latter 3/4 of last year was yet another demonstration of your inability to control your spending.

Spare me that I’m the selfish one… never once did I threaten to “divorce” you if I didn’t get my way. You, on the other hand, that’s all you ever did.

You didn’t have to “buy all new stuff.” That’s an excuse to justify your compulsion to spend spend spend with no responsibility for the consequences. You just didn’t like what you had the option of taking and spent on the promise of a big payday by your attorney blathering on about how this is “clearly a 70-30 case.”

Please, stop pulling your “poor me” campaign on me. I’ve lived with you. Save that story for people who didn’t live with you and didn’t know the kind of things you pulled to get your way.

You can now stop with the repeated revisionist history emails. You’ve made your choice for divorce, so rehashing it all (yet again) to solidify your version of the fantasy in your mind is a waste of my time.

~LM

LM,

The only word that describes you is “liar” everything you wrote is lies. I lived on a very tight budget when we were together. I didn’t have nice clothes, nice furnishings, etc…..What was I buying in this compulsion to spend? You are whacked.

Anyway, time will tell which one of us winds up alone and broke and which one of us finds a healthy happy relationship. Time will tell. I say you wind up living alone…..with all your junk surrounding you like Fred Sanford.

~PEW

I have to admit, even today, I laugh at the “Fred Sanford” dig. It’s funny. Really funny if you are aware of who Fred Sanford is. If not, CLICK HERE.

As for the bolded part which is this post’s title, I can’t say that I won’t be broke, but the irony of this dig made 4-years ago given what is going on today is not lost on me.

This is then immediately followed-up by…

LM,

I did appreciate and will never forget the time I had when the boys were babies with them. And you helped that happen by not making me work full time. Thank you. That was the best time in MY life and that is what I try to remember when you make me angry. And I tell myself that you will never grasp what was wrong between us, so I just need to move on. You have no desire to improve yourself. For that I feel sorry for you.

~PEW

Oh, I grasp what was wrong with us. What more can I say that I haven’t already said, repeatedly, throughout so many of these historical posts? We ran this circle so many more times than I care to count, it’s embarrassing.

PEW,

Don’t feel sorry for me. Get help. Clearly your tone and your continued desire to re-write your own personal history to make it seem like you weren’t completely VICIOUS to me on regular cycles is sad. Your repeated failure to follow-thru on counseling… is that a lie, too? Your constantly ruining holidays because you don’t get what you want, or didn’t like something you did want, or how you got it? That a lie? You didn’t hock the engagement ring for money while complaining that my brothers’ wives all had better rings than you? That a lie? We couldn’t look at homes in areas of interest to me because you would file for divorce? Was that a lie? Did we not move under penalty of divorce? Was that a lie?

Spare me, PEW. The truth is out there but you just don’t want to face it. When you didn’t get your way… you threatened. Others’ concerns or desires were always secondary to your own… and if someone else had a different viewpoint, you either ran away or threatened divorce.

Even your own friends know that.

Maybe you could get on with that wonderful life you envision if you would stop emailing me recreating the last 10-years of your life to suit your desire to validate yourself while convincing yourself that you never did any of these things… and do them often.

~LM

Period. End of discussion. Well, this one, anyway.

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You’ve Been Holding Me Hostage for YEARS!

Okay, time to jump back into the time machine as we’ve just started down the divorce/custody path. July was relatively uneventful, but I still did get nasty emails and voice mails. I suppose I put her in my block list on instant messenger which would account for the lack of IM ambushes during the summer.

After one particularly nasty voice mail message, I called back and told her I wouldn’t reply to such nastiness anymore. She followed with an email:

LM,

I received your VM message. Are you serious? Disrespectful? I told you that you’re a liar so you’re going to get a restraining order? Seriously? I wasn’t even angry on the phone.

Here’s how things went down….the facts. You need to check yourself.

I asked you for a divorce over 3 years ago when I was pregnant with S2. Then I asked for a divorce about 5 subsequent times over the following 3 years. You told me “No, I’m not giving you a divorce”. I went to the counselor of your choosing, both Dr. M…… and Dr. P…… I went to individual counseling. Only to realize that I couldn’t fix what was wrong between us, especially since you weren’t willing to change because you self diagnosed me as being “mentally ill” because I use too much electricity or whatever your reasons are. Maybe because I asked you to do a little housework or something.

Anyway, here we are 3 years later. I was hoping I would be able to stick it out until the boys were older. Maybe I should have, who knows? This isn’t where I want to be in my life right now, but when you decided that you “deserved” a motorcycle…..that’s when I decided that there really was no use in punishing myself anymore. I made a mistake. I married someone who loves money and things more than people. I’m trying to correct that mistake. I’m finding out exactly how “right” I actually was all this time. You want to be the primary custodial parent so that you don’t have to pay support. I know it, you know it, [your lawyer] knows it, [my lawyer] knows it, everyone in both of our family knows it……the judge will know it.

You need to do a little soul searching…..if you have one. I love the boys and I know you do. I want to co-parent with you. I want an amicable relationship. I used to want to be friends, but I’ve let go of that notion completely. I can’t be friends with someone who would put money in front of his own children.

Get a grip on yourself, PLEASE. I’m pissed and rightfully so. You have been holding me hostage for years and YOU KNOW IT. Maybe that’s why I seem mentally ill do you. Also if you keep saying stuff like that, I’m going to ask [my lawyer] to look into slander charges.

~PEW

Mmmhmmm… the facts:

– She was her usual nasty self via VM. No one has bigger voice mail and email muscles than PEW.

– She claims to have gone to a counselor of my choosing. She didn’t. She refused to go and I went to counseling on my own. When her paranoia about what was being discussed in those sessions became too unbearable, she decided to come and tell “her version” of the truth. When confronted about some of her issues by both – she quit.

– All of her claims about “money and things” are absolutely projection on her part. I can still hear the reason for the divorce: “You don’t make enough money, I don’t have enough things, and therefore, you just don’t treat me right.” I kid you not.

– She would often claim co-parenting, wanting to be friends, wanting to be amicable, all the while doing the exact opposite every single step of the way.

PEW,

Do not harrass me by phone or I will take appropriate action. I have no objection to your being pissed off at me for any reason, legitimate or otherwise. I will not allow your verbal abuse to continue any more.

If you want to vent at me, do it via email. If you call me and are disrespectful and abusive any more in the future, I will take action.

That is all I have to say on the subject.

Thank you. Have a nice day.

~LM

LM,

You need to outline for me what it was that I said that you considered “verbal abuse” because historically anything that is in disagreement with your opinion is “abuse”……please elaborate. I was not abusive to you on the phone. Your hystrionics need to stop. You screamed in my face for the past 10 years now all of the sudden, me calling you a “liar” is me abusing YOU?

~PEW

I should have replied, “When you open your mouth.”

PEW,

I will not outline what constitutes verbal abuse. As I said in my VM, I will now record every phone conversation we have. It has nothing to do with you calling me a liar and everything to do with the name-calling and the wild accusations you levy at me with no foundation in reality.

If you continue to do this, particularly via phone, and especially if you call me in work to do it, I will record the conversation and take any appropriate action I can to see that it stops.

I don’t harass you in work. I don’t harrass you at home. I expect the same in return. Stop initiating fights.

~LM

Do you see a pattern here? (From BOTH of us?) Oh, do I wish I had learned about low-contact in 2004 instead of 2005.

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She "Failed to Accurately Recall"

The email exchange from June 9th, 2004 was followed by one of the last IM exchanges we would have… EVER. (There would be one or two more in September of 2004, but none the rest of June, July, or August).

While this isn’t a hearing, PEW’s ability to just spill forth with whatever lies she needs to create to put herself in a better position in all of this is, frankly, unnerving. What’s worse – the professionals who would consider them (at LEAST “consider them”) truthful in any capacity despite PEW never offering a shred of evidence to support any of her lies. That’s not an overstatement. When I say “none” – I mean NONE. Still, her dramatic flair would be enough to sway allegedly trained professionals in the worst case, or at least give them pause in a best case. It wasn’t until probably some of the 2007 hearings and conferences that her ongoing smear/lie campaign would start to be challenged by conference officers and the judge.

PEW: if I can’t find a sitter for Sat Morn….what then?
LM: I’ll find one or cancel my plans. I’ll let you know.
PEW: S2 has bruises all over his legs. he looks like he’s being abused
LM: He’s the daredevil, that’s for sure.
PEW: for the month of June…….the way things are laid out now….i’ll have the kids 17 days…..you’ll have them 13 days. just thought i’d throw that out there

Her message is clear… this will make me primary custodian and I’m coming for your hard-earned paycheck! Cripes, she doesn’t even try to hide it.

LM: We can make adjustments. You see… You and your lawyer act like I’m the one who dictated the schedule for May. I didn’t. You did. What you won’t do, is dictate that I will see the kids less than 50% of the time. Just so we’re clear.
PEW: I want you to see the kids at LEAST 50% of the time….but I don’t want it to be about the payments for you
LM: It isn’t. I’m not the one jumping thru hoops to adjust my schedule to maximize support. You are.

This is something that she’ll say often, despite the clear and convincing evidence that nothing could be further from the truth, starting with my willingness to pay her support even though at this point in time, I had the children better than 60% of the time. I only wouldn’t agree to pay support according to the state guidelines for shared custody (50/50).

PEW: but 50/50 is the support figure the conference officer gave you
LM: I agreed to accommodate your work schedule. And what I said in the hearing was… If it wasn’t going to be a 50/50 arrangement until S1 went to school… I wasn’t charitably paying you 50/50 support. I have no problem with your changing your schedule to make it 50/50. None at all.
PEW: but IT IS a 50/50 custody arrangement. and it WAS for May too
LM: Was it 50/50 for May?
PEW: yes
LM: Or wasn’t it something different than that? I had them 16 nights (or 17), you had them 11.
PEW: I definately had them like 65% of the time
LM: Is that 50/50?
PEW: no…you didn’t
LM: Okay. I won’t do this again. Feel free to try and disprove the dates I’ve logged in court.
PEW: oh I will. like [my attorney] said….you’re only hurting the kids by NOT paying support

This is scary delusional for a couple of reasons:

1 – Her work schedule would prove that she wasn’t even home on the nights she implies she had the children. She worked 2nd-shift.

2 – Upon her departure from the marital household, I kept a journal which my wonderful neighbor’s would support, if needed, in court.

There was simply no way she would prove in court she had the children primarily in May, if only due to her work schedule.

LM: I’ll pay support. You’re the one who chose to litigate this, rather than acknowledge (truthfully) that I had the boys 16 of the 27 nights we were apart in may. Your choice. Furthermore, you lied when you claimed not to have given me your schedule for June as…
PEW: well even if that were the case….which it isn’t…..May was not going to be the president…..
LM: Mon/Wed/Fri/Sun and Tues/Thurs/Sat/Sun alternating weeks for the Summer.
PEW: i did not lie…..I didn’t know what my schedule was definately going to be
LM: You only changed the schedule once you realized that it would give me the kids 19 nights to your 11 for June. Actually, with the trip… 17 to your 13. Yet, you accuse me of doing things in the interest of money. Ironic.
PEW: well what kills me is…….you just don’t want to pay period….otherwise you would have thrown a figure out there while we were at the conference
LM: You keep saying that.
PEW: while we were all together
LM: YOU throw out a figure. I simply said… It isn’t 50/50, and I wont agree to pay 50/50.
PEW: 125/week for two kids is NOT exorbident

Nevermind that according to the schedule at this time she would have been required to pay child support, she still sits there in all of her entitled glory telling me how paying her $125/week isn’t exorbidant. Can you say “unmitigated gall?”

LM: Your lawyer’s job is to say… “Okay, well, it’s 60/40” or whatever. Instead… She says to herself.. heck!
PEW: you will pay 50/50 because that is what it is
LM: This is another 500 bucks for me to come back for another hearing! I ain’t saying nothing! That’s what it is now. That’s not what is was for May, and not originally what it was going to be for the Summer until I said I wouldn’t pay 50/50 for something that wasn’t 50/50. I had checkbook in hand Tuesday. Your lawyer didn’t speak up on your behalf. It ain’t my job to speak up on your behalf.
PEW: well why would I agree to 60/40 when I have them most of the time
LM: I had them 16 overnights to your 11. That’s 60% me. Given your original schedule for June… Pre-trip… I would have had them 63% of the time…. which is what it would have been for July and August, too.
PEW: LM……whatever you tell yourself so you can live with yourself is fine with me
LM: Why didn’t [your attorney] just say “okay, 60/40 for the Summer or until PEW can switch to a 50/50 schedule?”
PEW: because that is not how it works
LM: You would’ve gotten paid before you walked out of the building. The officer could just as easily have run the numbers at 60/40. As 50/50. Why didn’t [your lawyer] suggest this? Because she gets more money to come back in July, that’s why. It astounds me that you don’t see this.
PEW: what is astounding is…the gamble you’re taking by going in front of a judge
LM: What gamble?
PEW: i’m cool with it though
LM: May was what it was. June will be what it will be, and so will the rest of the months.
PEW: you’ll probably end up paying more now
LM: I didn’t take any gamble. No, I won’t.
PEW: i think you will. i’ve been right thus far. i’ll be right about this too
LM: Ummm… No, you haven’t.
PEW: ummmm…..yes…..I have
LM: Again, the only reason we didn’t agree last Tuesday is because you lied about how many nights you had them in May. Or “failed to accurately recall.”
PEW: no….it is you who failed to recall accurately….which I will prove when we go to court
LM: Going before the judge to sort it out is no gamble. Okay. Gotta go to lunch. Bye.
PEW: one more thing….. if you really brought your check book….why didn’t you write a check….at least to contribute something….
LM: You’ll be getting a check this week.
PEW: oh?
LM: Will that be all?
PEW: i guess so LM. so much for our “friendship” or “co-parenting”. the kids are staying at my mom’s sunday night. i’ll go straight there after work
LM: Okay.
PEW: but I told you that already??? right? are you jerking me around again
LM: No. You haven’t told me anything. I made arrangements because of your incessant complaining about how my family never helps out. How about you learn to control your freak-outs for times when they would be more meaningful to you?
PEW: i’m not freaking out
LM: How is making arrangements for watching the kids “jerking you around?”
PEW: i’m just sick of your playing around
LM: Particularly when my response to your news is “Okay.” Do we have some sort of an agreement that says you dictate who sits the kids on nights you work and I have something?
PEW: because I told you the other day…..you can drop them off at my mom’s when you leave….just like last month
LM: NO, YOU DIDN’T. Here’s a tip. From now on… Put it in writing, save a copy for yourself. That’s how we’ll do this to avoid your delusions that I’m “jerking you around.” Deal? I want a WRITTEN SCHEDULE from your for your work. You can fax it to me, or email it to me. I know it is subject to change depending upon circumstances, but I want it in writing. No more phone BS and “I told you this” and “I didn’t tell you that.” This way, we can avoid the contention that I’m the one doing the jerking. Deal?
PEW: i’ll email it…..there won’t be any more of this crap after we get a custody arrangement worked out in court too
LM: Very good. Thanks. I will be delivering the boys to your mother’s at around 2:30 – 3:00 PM on Sunday. Thank you for letting me know.
PEW: great

At this point in time, I was in the best position for primary custody at best, 50/50 at worst. I would never be in this strong a position again. Between my own mistakes, my lawyer (at the time) not being very good at articulating this reality, and the ass-kicking I would take through no real fault of my own at the hands of the inherent biased-against-fathers divorce and family court system – my position of strength would plummet long and hard from here.

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Everything I Had – Because of Her!

No delusion she had was ever as severe as her honest belief that everything we did or had – was because of her. She’ll even claim to have given up a “lucrative career” (as an assistant to a production manager) to further my career and education. It’s baffling.

March 11th, 2004 – we engage in some more inane, dead-end discussion about paper filing, settling things, etc. I was pissed-off and we had an argument the previous evening, despite having a million toys & other rewards to give the children when they earned something – she chose to go into a box of my collectible toys and give S1 a tractor trailer out of a complete collection of racing items. They were all moderately old and in their original packaging. Now, the collection was no longer complete.

There is no question it was deliberate given that we were on the path of divorce. She was sending a message to me that nothing that was “mine” would be safe any longer. So, we argued for a short period about it, and then I subsequently moved anything of mine that I had which had any meaning or value to me off-site, to a brother’s basement. Wisely, I also wrote up a short, but detailed accounting of everything removed for my own future protection.

PEW: are you still going to come home early for me
LM: Yes. Just because I was mad about that… Doesn’t mean I’m going to be inconsiderate.
PEW: ok
LM: I’ll be home by 3:35
PEW: ok. your words were “bear down”, so I wasn’t sure what that was supposed to mean
LM: Nothing. Sorry. I was mad. I just want to get this done.
PEW: me too
LM: Yeah, so I won’t go out of my way to piss you off if you give me the same courtesy. Actually, that doesn’t even matter. You do what you must.
PEW: i wasn’t trying to piss you off. i took a toy truck

Yes, I know, you just forgot the discussion centered around, “you can give them whatever you want out of the rewards box, just please don’t mess with any of my collectibles.” Got it.

LM: I still won’t go out of my way to piss you off.
PEW: you got a million of them
LM: Yeah, ok. No problem. I’ll make sure that there are 1,000 more things available for rewards.
PEW: ok. when are you seeing your lawyer
LM: Dunno. In court today. I’ll call him in the morning. I’m guessing one of your non-working days next week.
PEW: ok. did you read the papers yet?
LM: Yep. Usual and customary stuff.
PEW: pretty much….except for the alimony pendente lite
LM: Yeah? What’s that? I work and pay you? lol
PEW: i don’t know. it’s not important.

Too funny. I knew exactly what it was. I wanted to see if she would explain herself to me. “It’s not important” wasn’t what I was expecting.

PEW: S1’s behavior has been awful lately. the crying and stuff
LM: You mean how you’re destitute, can’t afford anything, and I’m responsible for you, your lawyer’s fees, your health insurance? You know what it is.
PEW: yeah.
LM: So what?
PEW: it’s just funny to me……..originally I just wanted to be separated…..you wouldn’t even do that for me. everyday has been a struggle
LM: I love when you say that. “I wouldn’t even do that for you.”
PEW: and, everything you have you have because of me

Correction… everything that is crap-debt I have because of her. Everything else, excepting the children which are a product of both of us, was because of me. Maybe a little more correction – the mortgage that we had, which I paid for, we had because it included her income at the time. That’s not an exaggeration.

Now, that doesn’t really matter because it was never something I hung over her head like she did. I was all about doing for and providing for the family – and how we managed to achieve that wasn’t something over which I kept tabs.

LM: Stop blaming me for things you have full control over.
PEW: and you don’t want to part with anythign
LM: Is that right?
PEW: not even a little tractor trailer. yeah, that’s right and you know it
LM: lol. Okay. You’re right.
PEW: i know i am
LM: ok
PEW: you got to keep your last house because of me…. your almost finished your degree….why….because of me. we had the kids…..why…..because of me
LM: I see.
PEW: you don’t see…. you never will either
LM: All right. Is there a point?
PEW: there never has been a point…….i’m just dissappointed that I let myself waste so many years with someone who just doesn’t care
LM: I’m sorry about that.
PEW: i’m upset. please. nobody is more sorry than me for not being stronger

Oh? There is one person who was more upset about that. Me. More evidence of projection/mirroring.

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Wishing for a Murder-Suicide?

I’m jumping ahead a little bit, to just after the divorce was filed (April 2004), to feature another mindless email rant offered up by “Aunt PP” – my nutcase ex sister-in-law. There aren’t many of them. That’s because, even when things weren’t a complete disaster, I didn’t have very much cause to talk to her anyway. Her life was just too full of chaos for me to allow her any closer than arm’s length, and even that was often too close for comfort.

Now, the strangest thing about this email is that it’s totally unsolicited. What I mean by that is – I didn’t then and I don’t now have any clue what precipitated it. Therefore, my only conclusion is that it was the by-product of some figment of PEW’s imagination. While what she writes, specifically the part about the murder-suicide thing, makes me laugh inappropriately, I never said that, didn’t intimate that, and it seriously didn’t ever cross my mind.

Hi LM,

It’s good to know that while I pray every night that PEW, you and the boys come through the divorce happy, healthy and better off for it…. that you are praying for a murder/suicide between me and my sister…. which would never happen trust me….. I would never hurt anyone I love… I wish I could say the same for you….. Take this to any judge….. YOU need help…… My wishes and the wishes of my family are that everyone is okay afterward…. you are more concerned with getting YOUR share of EVERYTHING….. and if you have to use your sons’ welfare to get it, you will…….

Look into your own heart LM and see what truth there really is….. if you can see past your twisted childhood with your father and mother’s behavior……. early on and towards the end….. I’ve heard it all and it isn’t pretty…..

Don’t joke about my family’s mental health or even try to use it. As far as I know, none of us have ever wanted out of a relationship because a child borne to us wasn’t the “right” sex (CAM.)……

You have enough family problems….luckily your mother was so forthcoming with so many horror stories from your youth……You should just be concentrating on doing the RIGHT thing, once and for all for all concerned…..after all, you’ve got you motor cycle, don’t you?

The whole diatribe is beyond bizarre. It’s a mish-mash of random thoughts that have no relevance on the matter at hand. It’s as if she needed to flex her big-sisterly muscles and put me “on notice” that she is going to stick up for her. Great. With allies like that…

She has absolutely no clue about my childhood. Why? Because she cites my mother as the source! While both of my parents had occasion to cross the line when it came to discipline, they raised 4 pretty successful children during the process. Mom and Dad went through a contentious divorce when we were in our teens and trust me when I tell you that dear mom has a tendency to grossly embellish and over-dramatize her “horror stories.” Certainly, both of my parents were both quite loving, showed their affection regularly, and I can assure you that my mother isn’t going to be telling any of those stories as they related to my father.

As for CAM (one of my brothers), after his first-born daughter was brought home, he had some trouble adjusting to the newborn baby. He questioned his ability to handle everything. His wife, my SIL, called me one morning to come over and assist. I blew off work that day and rushed over to have a talk with him. At no time was ending any relationship even remotely an issue. Neither CAM nor wife seemed prepared for what was going to happen when they brought the child home… and they were both a nervous wreck – especially him. It was no big deal. Now with a pair of daughters, their relationship seems to be going along quite well and the kids are great!

As for the balance, we can start with the delusions:

– Neither her nor her family wished any such thing. Phone threats, email threats, direct threats, and all of the rest of the weird stuff they would come to do demonstrated that they wanted nothing more than for me to disappear off the face of the earth.

– Despite the claims that she would never hurt people she loved, there are several identity thefts of family members, knock-down drag-outs with PEW, assaults on our children, among other situations which fly in the face of her claim.

– I’d be specific about a couple of the other rants except that they make such little sense that it’s not worth wasting any more of my time.

One thing she was correct about though… her family members’ mental defects and documented behaviors didn’t seem to be relevant regarding the children. Hell, even PEW’s actions and behaviors apparently didn’t (and still don’t) matter, but she has been exposed for the hostile, litigious high-conflict combatant that I’ve always told the court she would be. Thank goodness (for now) Judge Contempt’s rulings have begun to reflect that recognition. Here’s hoping that if they are needed – she continues to rule accordingly.

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For People Who Are So Smart, You’re Idiots!

On Sunday, May 18th, 2008, we did a custody exchange for my week. For the fourth consecutive weekend, S2 was dropped off not feeling well. Only one of those weeks did it last into the week (not including this past week).

The week in summary went like this: Sunday, S2 had a fever. After an evening of Tylenol, fluids, and rest – Monday morning he woke up fine and went to school. He was fine all week long. Thursday, at aftercare at the school, he complained again of not feeling well. When I arrived, he had a “sick face” on but didn’t have a fever when we got home, and in a little while, felt fine again. Friday morning, spry and excited for activities at school, no fever, he went. At 11:00AM, I get a call from the school nurse – he has a fever of 100.1 and is complaining of a belly-ache. I pick up both boys from school early since it was a half-day anyway. Tylenol and lots of water – by Friday night he is fine. Saturday he is fine but does get a slight fever Saturday evening. One dose of Tylenol and he is fine inside of 30-minutes. Sunday he is fine up to and through the exchange back to PEW.

Nothing too dramatic, S2 complained of nothing other than an occasional belly-ache when he did have a fever, but he ate everything all week long and didn’t throw up or show any other signs of anything. Both boys were excited for the extended weekend and whatever it was that mom had planned for them.

LM,

I know you don’t like getting these kinds of emails from me, but it’s times like this when I really question your parenting…… You realize that you let S2 suffer from Sunday to Sunday with some kind of sinus infection or something?? You had to hear it in his voice and if he had a fever Sunday….then monday, then tuesday, then weds…and then had to get picked up friday early….obviously he need to see a Dr.

Why the hell didn’t you take him to the Dr? Instead now he has to suffer through a holiday weekend SICK. It’s not a virus, virus do not last for 8 days. So between you and DW, neither one of you had the common sense to take the kid to the Doctor? It is a mind blowing experience to be on the other side of parenting two children with you. I know you won’t admit it, but you screwed up……and S2 could have been better by last tuesday. This is why, I lose sleep at night…worrying about what kind of mis-judgements you will make that could be potentially dangerous. Would you wait to take him to the Dr. until the fever got so high, he went into a coma or something? Then what? For people who are supposedly so smart, your idiots. I know you wont’ respond because there’s nothing to say…..except you’re sorry to S2. And you can do that next week.

~PEW

For the record, I cut her email into paragraphs for easier reading. It was just one big giant paragraph – the usual when she is raging.

The email also demonstrates her uncanny and consistent ability to turn any seemingly mild ailment into a potential catastrophe, up to and including potential coma and death.

My initial reaction is to violate the low-contact principles that I often preach about and so many, myself included, have seen great success. That “Fantasy Email Reply” will close out this post. However, I reign myself in and choose the right path – since it is involving a matter pertaining to the children’s well-being (specifically, S2’s illness) – I respond and trim a lot of the “fat.”

PEW,

– S2 complained of no ailment other than feeling “hot.”

– He had no fever until Friday at school. He was fine again until it went up again on Saturday at Uncle Vincent’s. He did not have a fever every day this week.

– Unless you took him to the doctor, please stop with your diagnosis. If you went to the doctor, let me know what he said, otherwise, stop the harassment.

– He was looked at by a registered nurse at the school who offered no explanation other than a “slight belly-ache and a fever of 100.1.” When I call the doctor and give them that description, they tell me “plenty of fluids and rest.”

Let’s not forget, either – he was sick “all of last weekend” and you did nothing. Further, he was also delivered to us sick the prior exchange, the exchange before that, and the exchange before that.

It might be time to consider exploring what you feed them (dietary changes) and what they have to drink (soda, juices, etc. to extreme). I would also remind you that when I had them “full time” last summer… neither S1 nor S2 were sick a single time. Check out the things you’re doing and see if any changes may help. Since the custody change, they simply haven’t been sick unless you’ve delivered them to us that way and they’ve always been returned healthy, except for this time… all of which can be documented.

Thanks,
LM

Yes, before you go beating me up, I realize that the last paragraph is full of “fat” much of which should have been excluded. Yes, I’ve also admitted that despite my low-contact advice – I am prone to slip beyond what is the minimum contact necessary on occasion.

Though she’ll likely deny it – I thought it important to remind her that this would be the 4th time in a row she’s delivered the children with at least one of them sick. I also know that she’ll completely deny it because it’s not in keeping with her believe that the opposite is “always” the case (projection).

LM,

You are lying. They have been sick since the custody schedule change while they were with you….more than once. S2 was not sick any of last weekend until sunday. Also, there was only one other exchage where they weren’t feeling good….. I haven’t delivered them sick repeatedly. I am the parent who actually takes them to the Dr. because I am not a cheapass, like you. He was asleep on monday night when I called at 6pm. Everytime I spoke to him he said his fever was going up and down. They both told me he almost wasn’t able to go to school on tuesday. They aren’t babies anymore, they know what fevers are and they know what the days of the week are. Both kids told me that you were pumping him full of Tylenol all week….you know that causes liver damage right?

They don’t drink soda and juices to extreme and they eat a healthy diet over here. AND it’s not the school nurses job to diagnose illnesses. It’s up to the parents to take them to the Dr. when they have a continued unexplained fever for 7 days straight. When I take him to the Dr. I will ask if you called…..I’m sure you didn’t because they would have told you to bring him in…I think after 10 years I should know. You’re a lier and a cheapskate…that’s why S2 is sick.

~PEW

Good grief – now the child is going to have liver damage on top of a coma.

This is when my responses will typically end. One contact. One explanation (if appropriate), and then just let her escalate if that is her desire. You can’t reasonably discuss things with someone with such an uncanny ability to re-write history to suit her own arguments.

The reality is – when I call and explain that he has a fever and no other apparent symptoms (I did explain belly-ached, with no throwing up) – Tylenol, fluids, rest. Doctors do NOT want you to bring them in at the drop of a hat. We have immune systems to fight off regular ailments such as these and I have never refused to take the children to a doctor when appropriate or told to “bring them in.”

For the record:

Child Hospital Visits Since Split: PEW = 4. LM = 0.

Child Doctor Visits Since Split: PEW = I lost count. LM = 1.

PEW visits the doctor so frequently because it makes her feel and appear like the “doting mother.” DW and I, on the other hand, we just take care of the children when it’s obviously in our power to do so.

THE FANTASY EMAIL REPLY: (Emails we’d like to send, but know better.)

PEW,

S2 complained of no ailment other than feeling “hot.”

He had no fever until Friday at school. He was fine again until it spiked on Saturday at VAM’s. Unless you took him to the doctor, here you go again acting like one yourself and we know how many times you’ve made “diagnoses” that were unnecessarily extreme and a complete figment of your imagination. From sun-poisoning, to tetanus, to coma and potential death – it’s would be rather comical if I didn’t think you actually believed your own tripe.

He was looked at by a registered nurse at the school who offered no explanation other than a “slight belly-ache and a fever of 100.1.” When I call the doctor and give them that description, they tell me “plenty of fluids and rest.”

Let’s not forget, either – he was sick “all of last weekend” and you did nothing. He was delivered to us sick the three prior exchanges, too. My guess is if you spent more time examining the things you do and the items you feed them, you might actually make a contribution to minimizing these types of incidents, too. Thanks for your concern, but you’re latest, hysterical arm-chair diagnosis is nothing more than another excuse for your usual mindless raging anyway.

~LM

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Ready to Make Love to the Dog After 2-1/2 Months

Not me! Her! I had the Kung-Fu Grip!

While discussing some broader issues, the root of this August 25, 2003 exchange occurred the prior day. When PEW had come home from work, I was downstairs with the boys playing and watching some television. When I heard the door open, we stopped what we were doing and I said to the children, “Hey guys! Mom is home! Run upstairs and say hi, ask her how her day was!” When they charged up the stairs to greet her, I moved to the sofa and laid down.

PEW came down the steps a few minutes later. I had my eyes closed. When she sat down, I opened my eyes and immediately saw “the face.” What had I done now? Well, when she saw me laying there with my feet up and eyes closed, she thought I was sleeping. The television on and the incomplete board game didn’t clue her in to the reality that we were just playing a game. My telling her that I wasn’t sleeping didn’t help. She just went off, launching into another patented expletive-laced tirade about sleeping while the children are running around the house unmonitored, how unsafe it was, etc. I responded angrily, without all of the foul language.

Interestingly, this exchange remains fairly civil, despite it being another head-spinner.

PEW: listen, we are going to have to make time to talk or go to the therapist or something
LM: Ok. No problem.
PEW: I’m very frustrated. I honestly feel like you’re constantly picking at me. i can’t stand it
LM: Ok
PEW: the longer things go, unaddressed, the worse I feel……and you just say ok?
LM: It depends. It seems if we chat via IM, things degrade quickly. If you want to do it in counseling, I’m fine with that. I apologized yesterday for giving you the impression that I was picking on you. You have a knack for taking an isolated incident, and turning it into “always picking on you.” And despite your claims to the contrary, even an immediate apology isn’t enough. I just wanted to make something for dinner for everyone.
PEW: well unfortunatly this is why things degrade….because you refuse to take ownership. I can’t tape record our entire lives
LM: What part of “I’m sorry for giving you that impression” isn’t “taking ownership”

Psychobabble-speak tends to annoy me pretty quickly. I’m not sure if she was reading books or talking to other disgruntled wives, but the phrase “taking ownership” in this context immediately makes me roll my eyes. Thank goodness we were on instant messenger. “Take ownership.” Please.

PEW: we don’t spend THAT much time together these days, but when we do, you seem to be making snide comments about things or criticizing
LM: What snide comments about what?
PEW: this isn’t new
LM: Again, since we “made up” – yesterday was the only bad thing. Unless you’re talking about your going out to Acme for a few things and coming back 2-1/2 hours later. Yeah, that bothers me.
PEW: I went to Walmart…..and it wasn’t 2-1/2 hours later
LM: Or having to go to your sister’s to personally thank your parents for something. Call me paranoid. Sorry. One night, you went out after dinner. And came back at 8:30. It was 2-1/2 hours.
PEW: that was the night I went to Walmart then to PP’s
LM: No, I’m talking about a situation before that. The Walmart/PP thing was the 2nd time.
PEW: ok, well you can always go with me, you don’t want to. you don’t like to shop with me
LM: ???
PEW: what do you think I’m having an affair?
LM: No.
PEW: well why does it bother you. that I need some time to myself

Did you catch it? Did you? It’s the borderline personality’s ability to set you up in the classic lose-lose situation. In one breath – complain that I don’t go with her. In the next, explain to me that she needs time to herself. A person just… can’t… win… in a relationship with a BPD. Perhaps “win” is the wrong word. You can’t have any sense of normalcy or fairness in a relationship with a borderline. They are amazingly effective at making you feel like you’re going completely insane.

LM: When you tell me that you’re running a “few quick errands” I see no reason to go. And it isn’t as though you say, “I’m gonna go run a few quick errands, wanna go?” I figure you’re running out and coming back. I also figure it’s easier to get some peace [without] me and the kids tagging along.

Here’s the thing… It’s just a small bother… but I know if I said I was just running out for a couple of things… and come back a couple of hours later… without a phone call… it would be a problem.
PEW: trust me, I’d call you
LM: But you don’t.
PEW: but believe me, from now on I will say I’m going out for a few hours
LM: Very good.
PEW: I mean …you could call me. while i’m out and say…hey what happened to running out
LM: Your phone is always dead, off, or otherwise I can’t get in touch with you. I tried to find out what was up yesterday… No answer.
PEW: why no message
LM: No reason.
PEW: well I can do better with that
LM: cool.
PEW: but now we solved your problem, we haven’t solved mine
LM: I won’t bother you about the “2-1/2 hours thing” anymore. I apologized immediately for yesterday. Is there something else I’ve been “picking on you” about?

While it won’t last, I’m clearly trying very hard to keep PEW focused on her matters at hand. One at a time. Solve one problem, move onto the next. Otherwise, I am defending myself on 5 or more different issues, all at the same time, and they’re probably spread out over the entire length of our relationship at that point. CRAZYMAKING.

PEW: it’s not the 2-1/2 hour thing….it’s the constant criticizing
LM: Define for me “constant criticizing.” Prior to our lovemaking session the other night… we barely spoke for two weeks. Since then… there was yesterday. How is that “constant criticizing?”
PEW: well that’s a good point right there
LM: I want to stay and address the “constant criticizing” first.
PEW: we barely spoke for two weeks…..we start speaking again…..and you start harrassing me about spending….taking too long at Walmart…….no food in the house…… where’s the love? i’m over living like this i feel like my mother
LM: #1… commenting about your “running out” and not coming back for hours… is not “harassing.” #2 – If you can’t take my concern about spending as a legitimate CONCERN, and not harassment… I can’t help that. I can’t.
PEW: well try
LM: In two months, you went from having about $300 on the CC… To 800… To 1400. TWO months. Only 100 of that was “S1’s uniforms” I have an absolute right to be concerned. I didn’t say you were spending too much. I haven’t badgered you about what you’re spending it on. I’ve asked you NICELY to “please keep it in check.” That’s not harassing.

Yesterday, I made no complaint about you not having food in the house. I was undecided what to pick because my choices were limited. That wasn’t specifically directed AT YOU. I didn’t say… “you’re not keeping food in the house.”

She goes into the “shock and awe” effort – tossing a bunch of different issues in my face all at the same time. I don’t mention it in this exchange, but this is the credit card that I didn’t know she went out and got in her own name a few months earlier. I had accidentally discovered the statement and, upon reviewing it, noticed the increasing balance between June and August.

Fact is, I’d say I was rather calm and understanding given the deception. I would pay for half of the ever-increasing spending she would end up putting on it the rest of the year. While sounding a little paranoid, I think she did so with “the end” in mind. I still think it was premeditated.

PEW: and I wanted to go to dinner
LM: Slow down. One thing at a time. Because we’re at a point where you still cannot differentiate between a legitimate concern (CCs) and “harassment.” I didn’t harass you about the CC. I calmly expressed concern and asked you to please “keep it in check.” I don’t want to go back to having $5G on the CCs again.
PEW: well when we were at my brother’s you’re like “what are you buying?”
LM: Because the more we have on the CC… the less we get to “go out to dinner.”
PEW: well LM, the cc will not get to $5. $5G i mean. I’ve seriously had to question what benefits am I getting from being married besides being harrassed about everything I do and say

She’s a liar. It absolutely went straight to $5,000.

LM: See? This is what I mean.
PEW: you say you love me, but I seriously feel that it’s not love for me, but fear of separation. because all this time we’ve been together we still have issues with the same things over and over again
LM: Your issues never get resolved because you don’t know how to. You’ve brought up three things. 1 – I apologized immediately for. 2 – I’m allowed to express genuine, calm concern about the finances. You call it harassment and will just never accept it as anything but harassment. 3 – Taking way longer out that you leave me the impression with… I *think* may be resolved, but I’m unsure about that.

So… now what? I can’t explain anymore on the points you raised. You either accept that I can be concerned about the CCs or not. You told me that you’ll do better with calling if you’re going to be longer. And yesterday, I can’t do much more than apologize for that. That’s why I say “ok” when you tell me you want to discuss it at counseling.
PEW: I do, but I’m unhappy now, and I’m tired of being unhappy and feeling like I’m always inadequate. I want to move on, I want to be appreciated by someone
LM: Conversation is done. We’ll save it for counseling. Thanks. It was a good try though.
PEW: save this because I want to show it to him
LM: Sure.
PEW: thank you once again for forstalling my future
LM: Not fair.
PEW: i’m very fair LM. very
LM: How about being excited that you would kiss me? How about being excited that you’re going back to take classes?
PEW: well we would have kissed two weeks earlier if you had just taken ownership of what you did

Doesn’t that make her sound so smart? “If you would just take ownership.” Nothing screams “someone is filling one’s head with psychobabble” than the sudden appearance of “take ownership.”

LM: Do you always conveniently forget all of the good things? No, you want me to admit that I did something that I didn’t do.
PEW: lots of people are excited for me
LM: That’s not taking ownership, that’s being forced to lie.
PEW: i was excited to make love too
LM: And I won’t do that.
PEW: i was ready to make love to the freakin dog after 2-1/2 months

I’m not so sure that the dog would have been ready for such levels of affection. This is as good an excuse as any to send a reminder to the readership to help control the pet population – have your pet spayed or neutered. Props to Bob Barker.

LM: But you were too busy enforcing your “we’re at an impasse” edict to change things. When you bashed me for not having dinner made that weekend you came home… did I call you out for “harassing” me? No. I said, “Gee, you know what, you’re right… I should have made dinner.” When do you ever say… “Gee, you know, maybe I was approaching things wrong.” Never. You never say, “Gee, LM probably was telling the truth about the sleeping thing.”
PEW: and as far as not speaking for two weeks it’s for just this very reason, we get to a certain point and you say, that’s it conversation over
LM: No, not only do you not believe it, you exacerbate things by telling me that I “teach our children to lie.” I say “conversation is over” because you start the blame game and taking shots [like] I don’t appreciate you.
PEW: and it never resumes again until i’m just willing to forget whatever and go on, but nothing is resoved
LM: I forstall your future. That’s not a discussion, that’s a bitch session. You always say… “We’re at an impasse and I don’t know when I’m going to want to talk to you again.” Then it’s my fault when we don’t talk, we don’t kiss, we don’t make love. You WANT to be at an impasse. You shut me out, and then blame me for not making the first move.
PEW: no, you’re wrong. you NEVER make the first move. sorry but it’s true
LM: When I do make the first move, you tell me, “this doesn’t make up for what happened” or something similar. It’s like a game with you.
PEW: unless it’s just ignoring the whole thing. it’s no game….games are fun
LM: I’m going to shut LM out, and then I can get mad when he isn’t affectionate.
PEW: this is not fun
LM: It is a game. You clearly indicate to me that you are pissed. You want to have nothing to do with me. Then, I’m at fault. It’s a game.
PEW: no, this is my life LM and you are destroying it
LM: I’m not the one who puts indefinite periods of “mad” on you. You do. That’s destructive. I never, ever do that. You do that regularly. It’s childish.
PEW: that’s a load of bull
LM: It isn’t bull.
PEW: if you treat me properly we wouldn’t have to even be having this discussion
LM: I try to be friendly, and you make sure you let me know that “just because we’re talking nice, doesn’t mean I’m not still mad.”
PEW: you should know after 10 years where the problems lay
LM: Then I go back to keeping my distance.
PEW: you lie
LM: This is why I tell you things like, “Let me know when the impasse is over.” Okay. I’m making that up.
PEW: that’s your way of saying…..”we can’t talk about what’s bothering you PEW, because I don’t like to hear it, but let me know when you can’t take it anymore……no sex, no intimacy…and we can go back to the same old same old again”
LM: PEW, right in this very text you say that things would be solved if I “take ownership” of “what I did.” There is only one translation… “if you don’t admit that you were sleeping while watching the children, I will remain mad at you.” What do you expect me to do? Have sex with you when you regularly and clearly indicate to me that you are pissed? You have an innate ability to want to be physically affection despite me “forstalling your future” – I can’t. Sorry.
PEW: no, if you would admit you were sleeping, apologize and say you will not do it again…..and that you will not scream in my face for calling you on it….we could have moved on
LM: That’s not normal for me. I won’t do that, because I didn’t do that. Sorry. You freaked out on me for something I didn’t do. I regret yelling, and I am sorry for that. I don’t hear you apologizing for freaking out, cursing in front on the kids again… and all of the things that you did wrong during that exchange.
PEW: well, it certainly had all the appearances of sleeping
LM: It sure did.
PEW: and for that you should apologize. and you didn’t need to react the way you did

This is bizarre on so many levels. It’s right up there with her often getting mad at me for something I did in one of her dreams. Yes, I am very serious. It wasn’t uncommon for me to be in the dog house for several days for some transgression I committed against her in her dreams.

LM: I apologize for giving you the appearance that I was sleeping while watching the kids.
PEW: I am a concerned parent
LM: I promise you that I wasn’t. When S2 left my lap to go upstairs to see you, I moved to the couch and closed my eyes.
PEW: well why didn’t it go that way when I came home from work that day. you just went from zero to FREAK
LM: Because after getting pissed off at me the day before for “being tired” – you went off on me again.
PEW: i deserved that
LM: You didn’t ask for an explanation. You made immediate, incorrect assumptions, and started with accusations. When I explained the situation, clearly and rationally first, you called me a liar.
PEW: well you didn’t even think that I was up with S1 the night before and then up at 5:30 to work in an exhausting environment
LM: That’s why. Wrong again. I told you then, I’ll tell you now…
PEW: and you had the nerve to close your eyes when I came home
LM: I understand COMPLETELY when you’re tired. You operate like your tiredness precludes my tiredness. As if, because you worked hard all day, I have no right to be tired. You think I didn’t wake up when S1 did?

Another creepy issue. I wasn’t “allowed to be tired” because she was regularly more tired than me. If she was tired, I couldn’t be tired. We’re not talking about – hey, don’t be lazing around and napping – she would get pissed if I simply expressed being tired. Crazymaking.

PEW: no it doesn’t, but you never think of me
LM: You think I didn’t hear the dog’s 2 or 3 asthma attacks?
PEW: if you did you would have gotten up to greet me with the kids
LM: How is my being tired “not thinking of you?” This is where your rationale defies explanation. At NO TIME did I deny your right to be tired. Quite the opposite.
PEW: not really. only to you
LM: It does. Now you just create things to be pissed about. If I did I would come up to greet you?
PEW: no I don’t
LM: When, in our entire relationship… have you ever “greeted me” when I got home from work? Now, I have to “greet” you?
PEW: I say Hi when you come home. when we’re speaking
LM: Almost EVERY single day you work, the first question out of my mouth was “how was your day” or “how was work.” When do you ever do that?
PEW: this is ridiculous. at what point do we say that this relationship is not successful and never will be
LM: Even when you’re perpetually pissed at me… I ask “how was work?”
PEW: we’re going on 10 years together
LM: But you won’t acknowledge that.
PEW: congratulations LM. that doesn’t win you a prize
LM: What kind of person tells another… “We’re at an impasse and I don’t know when I’ll get over it.” See how you operate? You say one thing, and when I prove otherwise, you say things like “well, that won’t win you a prize.” Childish. Do you see what I say “okay, this conversation is over?”

Trapped with the truth – as usual – she gets sarcastic. I try, whenever possible, to avoid speaking in absolutes. When I use the word “never” when I say she never would greet me with a “hiya, how was your day” when I came home from work – it’s not an exaggeration. Never. It’s another atop the pile of things about which she would engage in projection. It was a very rare day when the first thing out of my mouth – even if she was in one of her funks – wasn’t, “Hey, how was your day at work?” It wasn’t out of force of habit, either. I was genuinely interested in finding out how things went. I would listen.

PEW: I say I don’t know when we’ll get over it because you won’t talk to me like normal people talk to each other
LM: I absolutely do. Yesterday was a prime example.
PEW: and you generate your own version of the truth to suit you
LM: I didn’t freak out. You didn’t call me names. I apologized. But guess what…? You still won’t get over it.
PEW: yeah because I want to know when it will end. for good
LM: It’s like not only can you not accept when I don’t accept what you believe I should acknowledge… You don’t accept things when I DO acknowledge and apologize. And you wonder why I say I always seem to be in a classic lose-lose situation with you. I don’t apologize, it doesn’t end. I do apologize, it still doesn’t end. But these issues are my fault.
PEW: you apologized but we still didn’t go to dinner
LM: You want to talk about “taking ownership” – you got a lot of owning to do in your own right. I DIDN’T HAVE THE MONEY THIS WEEK TO TAKE YOU OUT TO DINNER
PEW: I DID. I SAID I DID
LM: How do you have the money if you’ve put $500 a month on your credit card bill the last two months?
PEW: the bottom line is, the therapy doesn’t seem to be working does it

Did you catch it? When faced with the horrible truth – she shifts gears and gets away from it as quickly as possible. How did she have the money to go out to dinner? She didn’t. However, saying so would cross her wiring again – so dodge the question.

LM: How? You haven’t gone to therapy in months. It doesn’t work unless you go. You’ve fallen back into your old unfair argument tactics. Something that was working until you conveniently started scheduling work for the mornings we were going to counseling. We need to revisit the fair-fighting guide.
PEW: i’ve called several times trying to get a convenient time….when have you?
LM: You need to stop deciding that you want to be angry for extended periods of time. See? Creating another argument. I’m available any time. ANY time. When you have the time, call and set the appt. I’ve set pretty much all of the others except the one that had to be rescheduled. I’ve told you that. Tell me when YOU are available, and I’ll be happy to call and set it. Weeknights, whenever.
PEW: well it’s kind of difficult when the counselor is 45 mins away and you work during the day, I work during the night and on weekends….we have two kids etc…
LM: That’s fine. When you find an available night, let me know, and I’ll schedule it.
PEW: I need to work because in case you didn’t know….I buy groceries, pay tuition and I have to pay my cc bill
LM: You’re avoiding the issue. And again going off on a tangent. You start by making thinly veiled criticism of me not calling to make an appt. I tell you I’ve asked, repeatedly, for when you’re avialable to go.
PEW: the actual issue is…….if you do not love me admit it and lets move on from there
LM: Now, you’ve flipped the debate to how busy you are and things. I do. I just can’t control how you dispense your anger. And I can change that.
PEW: i don’t believe it, not at all
LM: You don’t have to. But know this… I don’t make love to somebody I don’t love.
PEW: I can’t change the way you dispense your anger either
LM: I don’t make home with someone I don’t love.
PEW: I don’t believe either of those things either….sorry love is the way you treat someone
LM: Your inability to reasonably address issues and be openminded about others confounds me… but it can be worked on. And love is being able to accept apologies, respectfully deal with faults and issues.
PEW: and love is putting someone elses happiness right up there with your own…..
LM: I’ve worked very hard to do that. Have you? You have to want to be happy. Your happiness is predicated on never having an issue with your spouse. That’s an unreasonable expectation.
PEW: well the fact is LM, I can’t give anymore to you than I have already………my prime is over. i’m tapped out, sorry
LM: And as I’ve told you in the past, do what you feel you must.
PEW: I need to get a little to get some spark of something to make me want to put any more into this
LM: In the meantime, when you figure out a date and time where we can go back to Dr. P… let me know.
PEW: you can see the schedule in the kitchen. and you say, do what you have to do?
LM: Okay, then I will check your work schedule, make an appt.
PEW: what I have to do I guess is either wait till the boys get bigger, wait till you meet someone else, or wait till I meet someone who can help me? I don’t have the wearwithall to do anything at this time by myself
LM: And let you know. Have a good day.
PEW: you’re never going to change
LM: I have to get to work.

Crazymaking.

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PEW: "I’m Having a Breakdown"

Yes, PEW has yet another near meltdown over her inability to handle the children. What a way to kick-off the new year (1/8/2003). Remember again, the examples shown here are only the documented situations. There are an untold number of undocumented (face-to-face discussions and arguments) that go along with these. This is where I get frustrated when going through numerous custody evaluations, the evidence is ignored or otherwise disregarded when critical decisions are made to relegate one parent or the other (infrequently the mother) to an extremely limited parental role in the aftermath of a divorce. This stuff, documented evidence of suicidal thoughts and threats, the systematic verbal and emotional abuse (and, much more limited – physical abuse)… all of this was rendered completely useless in the process that I’ve endured since 2004.

PEW: I wish you’d stop needling me about stuff
LM: ok
PEW: like yesterday when you said, ok I’ll fill this out because I know you’ll never do it. and when you said meatloaf wasn’t a real dinner
LM: #1 was needling. #2 was being funny to get another dinner out of you. The meatloaf was absolutely delicious.

Admittedly, there were times where my attempts at humor have fallen quite flat, though I imagine that’s no surprise to some readers. Still, in a small way, it demonstrates my repeated claims of doing (and enjoying) the bulk of the cooking. “…to get another dinner out of you.” No, that doesn’t make it right.

PEW: and when you rolled your eyes when my sister said that I treat you like a king
LM: You even laughed with me last night. Let me ask you a question. Better yet… I won’t. Look, when something happens that I don’t like… I’m saying something about it.
PEW: and then you complain to me about not having sex
LM: I’m sorry if you can’t deal with that. You have no problem letting me know when you don’t like something.

Remember now, this is the same woman who would call me “impotent, gay” and other assorted demeaning names. This is the same woman who will repeatedly tell you that I wasn’t the one who was interested in having intimate relations with her. Need I say again that she is the ultimate master of projection?

PEW: well…..i’m about to check myself into [the local mental health facility….]
LM: I don’t hang up my pants.
PEW: so you keep it up
LM: I shut doors. I turn out lights. I don’t break your balls for “needling” me. These are things that bother you. And you tell me so.
PEW: i don’t needle you half as much…..
LM: Whatever.
PEW: ok well you obviously don’t understand the seriousness of the situation

She didn’t lie there. She didn’t needle me “half as much.” She needled me at least 10-times more. Maybe 100-times more.

Actually, it has been very clear that I did (and still do) understand the seriousness of the situation. If she had checked herself into the clinic, she would have been doing everyone a huge favor – most importantly – herself. However, I always knew it was an empty “threat” and something on which she would never follow through. Despite these fleeting moments of self-realization, the reality for her was that there was nothing wrong with her. It was always everyone else, including her belief that S1 must have some mental illness.

LM: You’re looking for a fight. Not a discussion.
PEW: no i’m not
LM: Sorry. I’m not in the mood.
PEW: i’m looking for help. not a fight
LM: No, you’re not.
PEW: ok well forget all that…..
LM: Because when I offer you help, ideas, suggestions… you get pissed at me. So, I’m in a lose-lose situation as usual.
PEW: because if I could follow that…I’d do it
LM: I can’t help that. If you simply “can’t” follow that, then you should consider seeing a doctor. I can only make suggestions that will alleviate SOME of the things the kids do to bother you.
PEW: I talked to the Pediatrician and she said I need time to myself everyday
LM: When S2 whines getting dressed…
PEW: I don’t get that
LM: I break his chops.
PEW: ok my sister is here with S1
LM: I say “git back here” and tickle him or put his pants on roughly while he tries to get away from me.

Just so there is no misunderstanding, when I say I put his pants on “roughly” – it was in a fun way. It didn’t take me long to figure out that there are options other than anger and frustration when dealing with the things a near 2-year old does. Getting S2 dressed was one of those situations. I could find a way to make it fun or find a way to make it upsetting.

When I would finally “chase him down” – I would pretend to struggle putting on his pants, jostling him around and using a funny voice during the feigned struggle. This would make S2 laugh hysterically and would almost always end with him throwing his arms around my neck with a big hug. This occurred regardless of whether his escape artistry was rooted in upset or just looking for a good time. The rough-housing dress effort almost always turned into a laughing session.

PEW just wanted complete obedience and everything that was necessary managing the children during the day to be completely without problem. She “can’t handle” things otherwise. I’m still not sure what she expected from 2-year old and 4-year old boys. Perhaps she thought they would be self-supporting by then. I just thank the Lord above that I didn’t give-in to having the boys diagnosed with phantom ADHD or similar and end up being prescribed drugs to zombify them.

PEW: when you get home i’m going over her house to exersize
LM: If he does get away… I chase him. You… get mad.
PEW: LM, I’m having a breakdown
LM: I believe you. I really do.
PEW: i’m sorry I can’t follow your suggestion. no you don’t understand. good bye
LM: Don’t tell me you can’t. You simply won’t. That’s the problem. What is so hard about that?
PEW: you know
LM: What is so hard about turning his “hard time” into something funny?
PEW: all you ever care about is yourself
LM: There you go. Looking for a fight. As I said. Tell why you “can’t.” That one simple thing. That makes you mad every day. S2 giving you a hard time getting dressed. Define for me “can’t”
PEW: because I have a serious PMS disorder…..
LM: Then go see a doctor.
PEW: and all I can hear is the whining and fighting
LM: I can’t fix that, PEW.
PEW: I did
LM: Go to one that understands frigging English.

She changed doctors often. This one in particular, I didn’t like. Not that his country of origin mattered to me (Russia), but he was a GP that prescribed her things like Prozac. Despite my lack of a medical degree, it was my personal belief that mind-altering substances for depression and that ilk deserve something more significant that an appointment with a GP. This dude would prescribe her whatever she wanted and most of the time, I had no idea what she was taking.

I also couldn’t understand him the one or two times he had called. (His practice didn’t last long – at least, not in the location he was at the time.)

PEW: yeah well it costs money
LM: I don’t care.
PEW: everytime I turn around something else is going wrong with me physically
LM: Stop putting up roadblocks to allow yourself to piss and moan without finding an effective solution. “It costs money” is not the issue. The problems you are feeling are the issue.
PEW: if you’re so great with the kids…..how come they aren’t bathed and the house isn’t cleaned the nights you’re here with them. that’s what I want to know
LM: I do wash. I do clean up the floor. I do most of the cooking. I clean up the kitchen most nights. I do the dishes. I empty the dishwashers. The last few nights… I have fallen asleep with them, because I don’t feel well.

I just wouldn’t stop with my compulsion to repeatedly repeat myself repeating the repetition of repeating things over and over and over repetitiously. Damn.

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