Our First Date – The Full Story

In the post called “A Couple of Firsts” – DW gives a quick glance at how we came to be in each other’s company and our relationship flourishing. Well, here is the full picture of where I was in early 2004 and how we came together by sheer chance, from my perspective.

I can’t begin to explain everything about her that makes her so amazing. If we start and end with the reality that she is effectively a “volunteer” to all of this madness, that would be enough to paint a good picture. However, it certainly wouldn’t be a complete one.

I had learned from talking to her, her history, and from some of her friends – people whom she considers her close friends – that she was in a very unhappy place back around a year or so before we had met. She was on the brink of some very difficult circumstances and decisions, most of which none of us should ever have to experience. She would put on the brave face and attempt to make the most of having fun when she could only mask the struggles that were always “right there.”

I was in a similar place, though I believe I had made peace with some of the mistakes made in my wake. By March of 2004, I had decided to give up on women believing relationships were too difficult, too much work, and something that just wasn’t worth the effort. Besides, what were the chances of finding someone who would want to start, cultivate, and continue to a meaningful relationship with someone with two children, a monstrous STBEW, and an uncertain financial future given the adversarial divorce/custody circumstances? My motorcycle was my girlfriend. I even told people so. “She is enjoyable. She looks fantastic. She didn’t argue with me about anything. She is a cheap date. For about $10.00, I could ride her all day long, come home, take a nap, get up and do it again – she would go right along with it with nary a complaint!”

I was wrong.

I went on a couple of meaningless dates and flat-out turned down another. No spark. No interest. Truth be told, no real desire on my part, just going through the motions. I wasn’t looking for a relationship! Hell, I wasn’t even divorced yet. I was just looking for some occasional company. Nothing serious. I had too much on my plate anyway. About March or April of 2004, I can recall sitting in the house watching the Rock-N-Roll Hall Of Fame telecast which closed with an all-star rendition of George Harrison’s While My Guitar Gently Weeps and it featured Prince playing the lead guitar (youtube video at the end of this post). I am a fan of his and the musical talent that man possesses puts him high atop the list of performers in my mind. I was blown away by his guitar playing all over again. This is important to the story because it was at that precise moment in time that I was going to buy tickets to his August 22nd, 2004 show since he was “back to normal” again. I bought a pair figuring (to myself) that by the time August rolled around, my situation should mostly be resolved (a foolish moment of optimism I guess) and perhaps I would find someone to take to the show.

I was wrong. Things became increasingly hostile and adversarial through April, May, June…

Sometime subsequent to that ticket purchase I found out that a long-time friend of mine had bought a pair of tickets and her and her husband were going to go. I recall telling her, “Great, hopefully by that time, I’ll find someone worthy of taking to the show and we can double-date!” It didn’t happen as I was dealing with too much on the home-front. Fast forward to about August 16th, 2004 and hear my friends disappointment that I was probably just going to dump the tickets and bail on the show. She pleaded for me to go anyway, and while I don’t mind going to a show like that on my own, I just wasn’t feeling like it.

I was wrong. I really did feel like going, but finding a date at this late point in time just seemed impossible.

I come up with a goofy idea. I decided to post a request for a date on two message boards which I frequent, one run by a mutual friend. I requested a date. I promised no shenanigans, no games, no expectations of anything other than a nice night out without any bullshit… something I hadn’t experienced in quite some time. While I’m certain most initial reactions to this would be – “sad” – followed by a few chuckles, I have managed to convince myself that it was a pretty interesting idea and my expectations were that not one single soul would accept.

I was wrong. Someone accepted.

DW and I talked on the phone beforehand, exchanged pictures, and she agreed to take a chance. She drove to my home in the early afternoon of the 22nd. She lived 4-hours away, so I guess she really must have been hungry and wanted to see a show. She looked great. We talked as though we had been friends for years. In a sense, we were as we “knew” each other from these particular forums as we had both been members for a while.

Neither of us dominated the conversation. We knew we each had difficult personal circumstances and were careful not to let it be the entire focus of our discussion. Things were really nice. Our conversation lasted 2 hours before we headed out to a wonderful dinner at a great restaurant where the conversation continued for about another 2 hours. DW and I agreed that it was during dinner that something seemed to be “clicking” between us (a discussion had at a later date). The drive to the concert was even fun. We’re on a “date” and the two of us have reached a comfort level that saw us singing duets along with the radio in the car together and doing a lot of laughing. It was quite corny actually, but fun nonetheless.

At the concert, we’re walking to our seats and DW is on my right. As we almost walked past the tunnel, I made a sudden turn to go that way (to my right) and DW and I collided. Looking back now, my reaction was one of fear that she would think I was trying to cop-a-feel as I apologized profusely and she just grinned, perhaps telling me to relax. We made it to our seats, the concert starts and it was, as expected, and incredible show. We danced as much as we could given how close the seating situation is at a concert. I can remember looking at her almost all night and “wondering” what she was thinking, how she felt – the usual “first-date with no chance at a second-date” mind ramblings. When we talk about it now, I describe it as “looking in your ear hole the entire time” which she acknowledges she either felt or knew or saw. Whatever. Concert is over, more conversation in the car, though she does rest for a while on the way home. We end up talking until 3AM and she ends up staying over in the spare room rather than driving home 4-hours at that point in time. In the morning, I get up and make her breakfast, we chat some more and then she is gone. I had exactly the kind of date I had envisioned. Actually it probably exceeded my expectations in terms of just how wonderful a night out could be. A night without fear of an unprovoked explosion. A night without a single problem, complaint, foul language, paranoia… I doubted something like that would happen again anytime soon.

I was wrong. Surprised?

After a few days had passed, I contacted DW again, told her how wonderful a time I had with her and expressed hope that perhaps we could get together again sometime in the future. She agreed and the rest, as they say, is history. The long-distance portion of our relationship was born. At the time, the distance was a much needed buffer for one another from our respective situations, mine much more hostile than hers.

We were very forthright with each other regarding our personal circumstances and she had no expectations, but our subsequent meetings in the weeks after our first date were just as amazing in terms of having nothing short of a magnificent time together – mostly doing the simplest of things. The times we spent apart included hours of phone conversations nearly every single night. It was almost sick, we would even watch television shows together on the phone. Of course, our relationship accelerated way faster than either of us expected or (at times) perhaps we wanted. We both still had an incredible level of personal issues with which we had to deal, but the “runaway train” seemingly wouldn’t be stopped.

Why do I feel she is so amazing? Well, besides her great looks, being an amazing lover, and her *ahem* sparkling personality… we both have made some significant sacrifices in our lives in order to support one another and be able to meet our children’s needs. To try and have something that remotely resembled a normal life, relationship, and family. She’s an absolute joy to be around. Fun, funny, interesting, loving – the list goes on. She’s an incredible partner in every facet of our lives. She continues to have to deal with my ongoing custody circumstances and the PEW (and at rare times early on – her family) and assists me in that situation in every way she possibly can. She deals with my occasional anxiety, frustration, and fears in that regard. She does so willingly and sometimes – even that is tested. She does so because she loves me and my children and she knows I love her, SS1 and SD1. She does so because she cares immensely, in the face of incredible frustration of her own at times. She does so because she was wrong about her belief that there was anyone out there worth loving or who would love her in the capacity about which she so often dreamed.

Both of us desired to have a meaningful opportunity to leave the past behind and find a fresh future. Both of us believed it was no longer possible. We were wrong.

It’s still very hard for me (and others) to believe that where we’ve come from, where we are today, and whatever our future holds for us was born of a long-shot post for a “fun evening out” on a friend’s silly message board.

The telecast that started this whole chain of events in motion…

 Subscribe in a reader

To Document or Not To Document (And When)?

Despite the struggles experienced as we’ve walked this path of familial destruction, one thing that has been a tremendous help along the way is having documentation of the experiences, The Psycho Ex-Wife‘s behaviors, voice mails, you name it. Of particular help has been that documentation which is written by the PEW herself. While it has never had the “earth-shatteringly positive” effects I had often hoped it would have, it has helped, particularly when it came to defending myself against the never-ending and ever escalating accusations. Without it, it most certainly would have been my word against hers, the all-too-common “he-said, she-said” and when up against a person who can act and cry on a moment’s notice and play the victim role worthy of an Academy Award – I would have suffered so much more, of that I’m sure.

We still live in a world where men are taught to treat a woman like a lady. By and large, that’s not a bad thing to teach or learn. It becomes a societal problem when the people with whom you’ll deal on a regular basis have been taught the same. No one goes about teaching children that in divorce & family court that a mother has the capability to use any means necessary to their advantage, no matter what. Attorneys, judges, conferences officers can be and often are – duped by the dramatic presentation, the flow of tears, and facing a mother who “only wants what’s best for her children.” She is vulnerable. She is in need of help. When you live in a world where it is generally accepted that men are always the predator and women are always the victim, dad is behind the proverbial 8-ball before proceedings ever start.

The personal issue with which you’ll struggle – when do you start the documentation. Most people live their lives working to save loving, happy memories. They don’t set out to save unhappy memories and bad times. It’s unnatural. It’s not normal. It’s also difficult when you’re doing so while continuing to try to work to save the marriage. You’ll feel sneaky. You’ll feel as though you’re “setting her up.” You’ll also need to get over it. There is too much at stake to take a flyer on things working out or for things not to get so much more nasty than they have already been in your relationship and you’re going to need all of the help you can make for yourself.

All I can tell you is what prompted me to begin the documentation saving: I started saving everything when I realized that I was not going to be able to improve things and that I believed that it was only a matter of time before the marriage would end. None of the counseling worked. Moving didn’t work. Changing myself didn’t work. It was one hurdle placed after another. Add to the mix the many times had actually left or threatened to leave during our relationship, and there was simply nothing else to conclude. It was going to end. It was just a matter of when. So, back in about the year 2000, I saved every nasty email and letter and exchange. I did so only because despite my belief that things had changed for the better for fathers (boy, was I wrong) – I knew her penchant for embellishment and flat-out fabrication was a finely honed skill. No one would believe any story I would tell them because her private persona was so radically different from her public one (well, excepting the rare public meltdown). I had no choice but to start saving the evidence that would either exonerate me from whatever accusations would be forthcoming and/or to show people the “real” PEW. Even with all of the documentation, there were disbelievers, I assure you. It will be a great challenge to show the world and expose a master manipulator for who they truly are. The fall-back position is being able to show the world who you truly are not.

History can be your friend if you are dealing with a manipulative woman. Chances are that you have known each other for a decent period of time. Over the period of your life that you have been involved with this person you should have had a chance to see her in action. Throughout your relationship she has probably learned how to push your buttons just as much as you have learned to push hers. This intimate knowledge can be turned into strength for you.

In terms of your relationship, healthy or otherwise, be conscious of her actions. More importantly, be conscious of your own! Realize what she is trying to do when she behaves badly or appears to be pushing you for a bad reaction. She may be doing her best to make you look bad while keeping a log of every wrong step you take. Any incident could just as easily come back to haunt you during the custody proceedings. In every situation, you must remain as calm and rational as possible. You must not escalate. Never forget, anything you put in writing can be used for the same ends. If you engage in long back-and-forths via email, always be the calm one. No foul language. No insults. No threats. You best always be doing the right thing no matter what. This is easier said than done and requires a great deal of self-discipline.

Whenever possible, turn the tables. Be very diligent about keeping a journal or some sort of record concerning her aggressive, manipulating, or baiting behavior. The tables are turned when you use her own attempts at manipulation to make her look bad and prepare yourself to have those moments come back to haunt her.

Like it or not, women have the decided advantage in a custody fight. Even a woman who is not normally manipulative has an advantage. If you truly believe that it is in the best interests of your child(ren) to be under your care, you must be realistic and know that the battle will likely get quite ugly. As seen in our guest column from August 24th, 2008, she may do things that you never thought she could be capable of. As sad a reality as this is, you will have to become manipulative in your own right in order to expose that “dark side” and accumulate the documentation you need to help yourself and your children.

A father has to do work very hard to come out of a custody battle with a high-conflict spouse and have any meaningful amount of custody of his children, let alone sole- or primary-custody.

When do you start saving the documentation? Only you have the answer to that question. Even in a perfect relationship, those few times where your partner went “off the deep end” and wrote you a vile nastygram, assaulted you and admitted it during an email exchange, wrote you about suicidal thoughts or actual attempts – whatever it is – it may be worth stashing away in an email folder. My choice came when, after years of struggling and trying to mend the ills within our marriage, I knew it was a lost cause. Fortunately, I had more than 4-years worth of documentation prior to her pulling the plug. Hell, even telling her from the outset of what I was doing and why never stopped her from going berserk. She still hasn’t stopped to this day.

You may not be that “fortunate.”

Trust me when I tell you that I know that this article is one that will be difficult to digest. Suggesting that one might consider saving such things, even in a great marriage, flies in the face of what we believe about hope, love, faith, trust… I’ve even had the bizarre thought that two people should have a mutual agreement to save such items. If nothing else, it could help to keep both parties rather civil during disagreements!

I’m very interested in seeing what your thoughts are on this topic.

 Subscribe in a reader

When You Look at Them, You Have to Stop Picturing Her

Stepmothering has never been portrayed as the easiest role to play. When you are dealing with the children of an ex-spouse who can create havoc at the drop of a hat, it’s probably the worst role to play in the entire world. When LM and I first started dating, I made sure to plan everything around the time we had the boys with us. This wasn’t always the easiest thing to do in the world.

I can remember one weekend where we planned on visiting an indoor waterpark at one end of State A. In order to get there we had to drive from State B, 4 hours to State A to pick up the boys, then drive 8 hours the other direction to get to the park in order to spend the weekend with my family. On Sunday, we had to reverse course to get the boys home. Total drive time = 24 hours, to ensure the boys were included. This was on top of the normal things we did to encourage time with the boys, including an 8 hour roundtrip drive on both Friday and Sunday every other weekend for 3 years.

Throughout the years, Psycho Mom would perpetually try to get the courts to rule that the drive was “unsafe” for the children. Of course she was unwilling to meet halfway to make the trip safer. Instead, I rode along to ensure that LM was never too tired to make the trip safely. I was never thanked for this. Instead, as can be expected, I was put down to the children. They were told things like their father chose me over them, I’m nothing, I hate them, I don’t love them, their father shouldn’t play with my children when they are here, only them, etc, ad nauseum.

Most things are pretty easily dealt with as I understand Borderline Personality Disorder. However, fear struck my heart one day last summer when a Child Protective Services worker appeared on my doorstep. Psycho Mom had reported that I was abusing the children, not only HER children, but MINE as well. She made an allegation that I left the children alone, who were 6, 7, 8, and 8 at the time, for hours, as well as some other things which were just insane, like we don’t allow them to eat ice cream. Long story short, I lost it. I took one look at LM when the counselor left our home and said “You have no idea how much I want to tell you to get out of my fucking house.” To his credit, LM just said, “I wouldn’t go.” If he had said anything else, it would have been over. I lost the will to want to be the sane one. I lost the will to keep trying. I lost the will to go out of my way to ensure the boys happiness, to try to build a bond with them, even to talk to them.

The past year has been a trying one. Trying to come back to liking the boys. As much as I hate it, I can’t express my hatred, anger, feelings of betrayal to Psycho Mom. It comes out in my apathy towards her children. When S1 lies about things, I see her. When S1 hits another kid at school, I see her. When S2 pees on the toilet seat, I see her. When I am planning vacations and special events, I see the problems and roadblocks that Psycho Mom will throw up, and I plan them for times the boys won’t be around.

I don’t think I can explain these feelings well, even to stepmothers that are in the same situation. Part of the problem I have is that so many of the behavioral and social issues the boys have, are the same ones their mother has, the ones we hate. I’m constantly questioning myself about whether this is their personality or just learned behavior from watching her. And then we come to when it’s time for them to take responsibility for their actions. I think this is the crucial issue that has been looming large over our heads. At some point they will have to make the decision to either be like their mother, or to go their own way. How will I deal with things if they choose the wrong path?

 Subscribe in a reader

When Does the Pain Stop?

A very thoughtful post on one of the forums I frequent by “duet_4-8” that I felt was worth posting.

No matter the root-cause of your particular relationship difficulties, if it’s difficult and painful – reading something like this can breathe new life into your motivation to make the tough changes necessary to save yourself from heartache and misery.

One or more may apply to you…

Wondering when the pain will ever stop?

The Pain Stops when you stop looking at the person you love as the person you love, and you begin to see them, not as a partner, a lover, or a best friend, but as a human being with the strengths and weaknesses and even the core of a child.

The Pain Stops when you begin to accept that what you would do in a circumstance is not what they would do, and that no matter how much you try, they have to learn their own lessons, and they have to touch the stove when it’s hot, just as you did, to learn that it is much better when it is cold.

The Pain Stops when your longing for them gets slowly replaced by a desire to get away, when making love to them no longer makes you feel cherished, when you find yourself tired of waiting for the moments where the good will truly outweigh the bad, and when at the end of the day you can’t count on their arms for comfort.

The Pain Stops when you start to look inward and decide whether their presence is a gift or a curse, and whether when you need them, they cause more heartache than bliss.

The Pain Stops when you realize that you deserve more than they offer and stop blaming them for being less than you wish. When the smile of a stranger seems more inviting and kind, and you remember what it’s like to feel beautiful, and you remember how long it has been since your lover whispered something in your ear that only the two of you would know.

The Pain Stops when you forgive them for their faults and forgive yourself for staying so long. When you know that you tried harder than you ever tried before, and you know in your heart that love should not be so much work.

The Pain Stops when you start to look in the mirror and like who you see, and know that leaving them or losing them is no reflection of your beauty or your worth.

The Pain Stops when the promise of a new tomorrow is just enough to start replacing the emptiness in your heart, and you start dreaming again of who you used to be and who you will become.

The Pain Stops when you say goodbye to what never really was, and accept that somewhere in the fog you may or may not have been loved back. And you promise yourself never again to lay in arms that don’t know how to cherish the kindness in your heart.

The Pain Stops…..when you are ready….

 Subscribe in a reader

How Do You Keep PEW From Destroying Your Relationship?

That’s a very good question.

G writes:

My question for you is how do you keep your ex from destroying your current relationship? It has to be hard. We’ve been in turmoil so long I worry that we don’t know how to deal without it. Or someday she’s going to say I’ve had enough.

Thanks for your site. It’s very therapuetic.

– G

G…

A couple of things (among many) keep PEW from destroying our relationship:

– We make sure that PEW isn’t the “most common” thread in our relationship. That is, we make sure that we have so many other things that make our relationship great besides our solidarity in protecting ourselves and the children from PEW.

– When DW doesn’t want to hear about an email or a phone call, I respect that. Sometimes, “enough is enough” and she just needs a break from the turmoil.

– I handle my own “crap.” There are times I ask for help and she does. There are times she volunteers her help and I accept it. However, it’s my problem and I need to always be the one to step up and take the lead in handling it.

– Never take her, her patience, her help, her love… for granted. The same goes in the other direction. Fortunately for her and us – her ex-husband isn’t a “PEH.”

– Never just “expect” that she will do things for your children like any old spouse. 4-years into our relationship, I still (and will always) ask if she can do something with respect to my children (and she does the same regarding hers). A pick-up from school. “Babysitting” if something comes up. A doctor visit. A phone call. Appointment setting. Those are our primary jobs with respect to our own children and we are thankful for any help we provide each other.

There may be others… but those are the biggies. TALK. TALK to each other. HEAR each other. Respect her wishes with regard to dealing with you dealing with your ex… or not dealing with your ex.

With regard to your situation, accept that her participation in this is voluntary and never forget, she can quit and she would be perfectly within her right to do so. Dealing with a psycho ex-wife like these is a monumental undertaking. Of course, you can quit, too. It’s a scary thought, but it’s a realistic one. Never forget that she is a volunteer in your mess.

~LM & DW

 Subscribe in a reader

The PEW & DW Speak on the Phone!

It will be the only time they ever do. ‘Twas June 30th, 2005.

The call was one of many early on which would degrade into one of the regular useless discussions we had. Obviously, this is way before we learned about low-contact methods. This was the first summer that DW and I were living together and the earliest part of our re-ignited custody battle. This argument centered around her changing her (alleged) plans at the 11th-hour that was going to upset a portion of our scheduled vacation. It was a vacation that had been planned more than 3-months earlier and for which we had agreement on when it would start and the exchange particulars.

Somewhere along the line she asked to speak with DW. I was initially against it and gave both of them several opportunities to say no. Neither did and, against my better judgement, I reluctantly handed over the phone to DW.

From here, the rest of the story will be DW’s to tell.

~LM

—————

I wasn’t exactly thrilled with PEW, as you can imagine, but frankly we needed to get it over with and the conversation began as “I just want to get things settled so we can start getting along.” Okay – great! Haha, pulled me right in, didn’t she?

So things start off with PEW saying she wants to settle the summer schedule so she never has to talk to LM again, I reply, “Well then sign the boys over for the summer like you know you should and then it’s all done.” She agrees and I tell her to have her attorney draw up the paperwork. The reason I said this is that she had a very long history of agreeing, then LM would pay to have the paperwork done, and of course she never would sign it. The prior day PEW had told us she had a new attorney (that would kick our ass of course *rolleyes*).

So, she surprises me when she says, “oh I don’t have an attorney.” I call her on the lie and she spins a story about not being able to afford to pay her, blah blah blah, and what does she do then? She ASKS ME to pay for her attorney. Yes, a woman whose ex-husband I am dating, asks me to pay for her attorney to keep his children away from him. Hello? Can you say psycho? I calmly decline and she begins the downward spiral starting with, “Well, LM is just using you for your money, and you only have money because your parents put you through school.”

Here’s another thing about BPD’s – they try to go for what they perceive to be your weak points, but PEW really didn’t know me. She literally had only seen me for 2 minutes at a time and done some research (stalking) about me online. She falsely assumed a lot of things which just made me laugh. My parents are dirt poor and I worked my way through my degree, but even if my parents had paid for it, I find it funny that she would think that was an insult to me.

From here on out PEW basically tries to throw anything and everything at me hoping something will stick. “Well I just want you to know that I am here for you when LM starts abusing you, because no one was there for me.” First of all, she would have called her Daddy about .025 seconds after something happened if LM had actually abused her, so I didn’t believe that line at all. Then she tries to go after my ex-husband saying she wants to talk to him to let him know “what kind of man [I’m] living with.” Anytime she was met with facts like, “well PEW, we’ve been dating for 11-months now and he has yet to hit me or yell at me, when is this supposed to start?” – she would begin calling me names and telling me that I’m “just like him.”

After a little while we get on the subject of how she introduced the kids to her (short-lived) boyfriend after only 3-weeks, this after arguing that the kids shouldn’t meet me as we had only been dating for 6- or 7-months at the time. She had just lied to the custody evaluator telling her they had been together for 6-months and I called her on it. So what does she do? She asks me if I would like to talk to him because HE IS SITTING RIGHT THERE. Okay, this woman has been talking to her ex-husband’s girlfriend for an hour with her boyfriend sitting there by himself? It’s no wonder he dumped her ass shortly after the call. Anyway, he gets on the phone and I ask when they started dating. He verifies the exact timeline we had told the evaluator. So, PEW gets back on the phone and I call her on it. She starts backpeddling saying they “were dating but not telling anyone.” I asked her if he was aware that they had been dating, she immediately began calling me names again. The more I laughed, the more undone she became.

So then she starts calling me on my education and company background. She apparently believes that she has “earned a psych degree because she worked with kids for 5-years!” (I explained to her that she works with kids because they are the only people who look up to her because they don’t know better. This is supported by the types of problems she had when working with adults in a professional setting.) She went on saying that she has, and I quote, “lived psychology.” I simply replied, “being mentally disturbed, and having 3 family members with bipolar disorder, doesn’t in fact mean you have a psych degree.”

I continually tried to steer the conversation back to the issues we were supposed to be discussing, such as the story she kept telling family members about how LM took the van and left her with the (allegedly) “shitty car.” The reality? She had, in fact, chosen that car in the divorce settlement because it meant she got more money. I asked why she had wanted the marital home sold and the boys kicked out of the only home they had known, etc. She had no answers and would simply start calling me names like a 6-year old.

Since I wasn’t believing her story, she agreed to do several things to prove it all to me. She was going to print all the e-mails she had from LM showing the abuse. They never materialized. Not a single one. She said if the evaluation came down indicating LM as the “better parent” she wouldn’t go to court. Ha, she not only went that time, but again and again, and again. I made a $100 bet that no matter what the evaluation said she would say the counselor was snowed over by LM and that he needed psychological help – she lost, she never paid me. (Yes, CE #2 actually indicated that LM was the better equipped parent, but apparently not enough to give him primary custody. Her recommendation did increase his time, though.) PEW literally used that exact wording – “LM snowed her.” Interestingly enough, I can remember the first thing that custody evaluator #2 said when LM and I went in for our joint session with her. “Well, what are we going to do about PEW?” I kid you not. What do you say to that?

One interesting thing PEW did admit in the conversation was that her parenting skills are poor. Yeah, I was as surprised as you are. I said, “Yes, the children are better behaved when they are not with you.” What did she do? She turned that statement around the next day to everyone in her family and the police claiming that I said “the children were better off without you” and that she was threatened. This incident led to our first threatening phone calls from her family, police calls and visits, which we’ll include at some point.

Believe it or not, I was nice throughout the conversation, never called her a name, never really put her down, until towards the end of the call. She ended up getting so frustrated that she kept repeating over and over that I was “nothing.” I just told her if that makes her feel better to think so, whatever, I know the truth. So she tries to go for one more attack, her favorite: “So, can LM get it up?” Remember, her boyfriend is right there next to her! My response was calm and cool, “Actually yes, on demand, but that’s probably because I take care of myself unlike you,” *CLICK* She hung up just as I was about to add, “you fat pig.” I just had to after listening to her ramblings for an hour and a half. I added a few more sentences that were vulgar just to see LM’s reaction as he didn’t know she had hung up. His mortified facial reaction was priceless – that was the highlight of the call.

 Subscribe in a reader

The PEW is a Parasite

As LM has indicated, being a stepparent can normally be nightmarish, add in a BPD and it’s hell on Earth. I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, and I don’t even believe that LM can understand what it’s like from my perspective. He has never had to deal with POE saying awful things about him, trying to ruin his relationship with my children, or the myriad of other crap the BPD piles on such as false child-abuse allegations. I know he has no idea how much it hurt to have a woman knock on my door and ask me if I had abused not only his kids, but my own. It’s just not possible to understand how one can feel unless you have had it happen to you. Of course, I can’t understand how he feels about a myriad of things, either. And so we have to balance our perspectives, it’s not often easy.

Dating someone with an ex isn’t easy either. I guess that goes whether someone was married or just in a long term relationship, as both will come with baggage. Having married young it wasn’t something I ever thought about.

The exchange you are about to read is several years old, it was our first summer with all the kids, the first summer in our new home, and the first summer PEW had a chance to ruin. And she did. The summer events of 2005 have had a lasting effect, which include the fact that I no longer plan vacations thinking the boys will even be involved. It’s unfortunate, but I’ve learned it’s a waste of money, time and frustration. As usual, the boys are the ones that lose out, and their mother simply doesn’t care. But, back to us. At the time we were going through the second custody evaluation and had an impending court date. My family was visiting, and LM was absent, although his body was hanging around.

07/08/2005 – LM

After being up nearly the entirety of the night, I was still unable to figure out how things spun so out of control. I’m really sorry that you felt I didn’t spend as much time with you guys as you wanted. My worries about what is happening with the forthcoming exchange of the boys, vacation, court, the call from *Attorney*, waiting on the report… yeah, I know it sounds like a bunch of excuses, but this past 7- to 10 days, I’ve been reeling. That said, I also am keenly aware that you are dealing with all of these issues at the same time. Toss that on my pile of worry.

Back to last night… forgive my having a problem with some of the things you said about me during various points of discussion with your Mom and Step-dad. Of course you can discuss “whatever I fucking want” with your parents. Forgive me if I would hope that you wouldn’t make fun of me or my way of thinking as a topic of discussion. You called me “idiot” at least once and something else I cannot recall at least once, and this – knowing how I feel about namecalling. I was never mad about the “packrat” thing.

Which brings me to my biggest concern… I tried like hell to try to get to a point where we could go to sleep without being angry and you turned it away outright. I still don’t know what I did or said that made you get so angry with me. When it culminated in your telling me that you didn’t care if I was on vacation with you, that was hurtful – “if you’re there you’re there, if you’re not, you’re not” is what you said. And here I am this morning wondering what in God’s name to do.

So I continue to troll through life apologizing for my feelings:

– I apologize that the only person I want to picture you with is me and despite my best efforts to share where I am coming from, you are mad at me for it.

– I apologize that my circumstances can sometimes overwhelm me and affect my moods and ability to interact so profoundly. I am scared to death, DW, I really am.

I want to know if you want me on vacation with you. Your comment last night means “no.” I need to know if you really feel that way. Right now I am so overwhelmed by everything that I feel like I’m going to have a nervous breakdown.

MY REPLY

Of course I want you on vacation, as always I want you there the whole time, with your children, with no problems. My issue last night was when you said that you have so much to worry about, yet my family was here and you weren’t worrying about spending time with us, when I was trying desparately to involve you for two days while staying involved with the situation with PEW. At that point I made a choice, I will worry about my family and let you worry about yours. So if it works out that you and the boys are there, GREAT, if not, I will still have a great time with my family. I can’t live with all of my vacations being ruined by the issues with PEW, I just can’t. I have planned everything with the boys specfically in mind, I don’t know how much else I can do LM, I just don’t. You’ve got to give me the same energy I give you LM, and I didn’t feel that the last two days, at all. All I wanted was a kiss last night and maybe the chance to make love.

I still don’t recall calling you an idiot, but I apologized for it anyway. And if I did do it I probably said it in jest about something you did, the same way you do to me as we BOTH know we are joking. I was also making fun of myself the whole night, like my driving, which you have done in front of your family as well, and it wasn’t an issue for me. We both know how much we care about each other. I understand that you have issues you bring to this relationship because of PEW, but I have NEVER in my life gotten my family against anyone I was in a relationship with, EVER. And I would never do that to you, we were just having a great conversation and of course I would talk about you.

As for: “So I continue to troll through life apologizing for my feelings”, wow. I know this comes from dealing with PEW, but please don’t act like you are the only one that apologizes (at least that’s how this comes across), not only do I apologize, I have tried to change the way I act around you. Your feelings are your feelings, and mine are mine, and we try to discuss them and meet in a middle ground. You’ve changed some things, and so have I.

I just don’t know what more I can do to help you through this situation with PEW. I honestly don’t. But there are some moments where you need to see that I’m practically begging you to forget her for five minutes and be here with ME. It’s selfish, but I need it sometimes. I felt like an ass around my own family last night, like I was a puppy following you around and you were ignoring me.

I love you LM, and I have never expressed the need for anyone other than you for the last 10 months. I’m still waiting for that kiss…

LM’s REPLY

I want to say again, as always – DW, I love you so much. I know the stress and burden that my situation presents to you, and yet you roll on – because of the kindness, concern, care, and love that you have for me and my children. Know that my feelings are equally as strong for you, SS1 and SD1. I am truly sorry for the feelings you have to endure when I get so “knocked for a loop” like the past few days – feeling like you’ve lost me to some other world of hurt. I wanted this vacation to be as perfect as we could make it and I allowed her latest antics to upset the apple cart far more than I should have. Please know that I am trying to make those moments few and far between. I don’t ever want you to fear that you are going to lose me to high anxiety or despair. I adore you and I can’t wait to come home and make up for the last few days.

You can see several classic fleas here, first the name-calling issue and then the apologizing. PEW is reknowned for her name-calling, and here’s LM taking something said in jest and remembering all the pain from the PEW. The apologizing thing we still haven’t worked out, lol. In most fights he will apologize for everything immediately and then add “because I know you won’t apologize.” And then of course, I don’t want to apologize, duh! Whether that is leftover from PEW or something we have turned into our own, I won’t venture to guess here, but I know it started from “she who is never wrong and is always the victim.”

I can tell you that these issues always appeared before every court date and still do although in a much smaller way. LM was consumed, with what the judge will think, how things will turn out, what will happen “if.” It affects everything in our lives, and, of course, that was simply something I never thought of when we started dating. Sure, your ex is crazy, who cares, I’m not dating her! HA! Oh, I am, she is there for everything. Her kids relay things we’ve said, things we’ve done, she has spies reporting to her about things we’ve done or places we’ve gone, this is how she would get into LM’s head (or used to mostly) and destroy the precious moments we have alone, the special events we try to plan for the kids, and literally every plan we try to make for the future. We still occasionally ask ourselves, how will PEW react? What will the judge think? What happens if PEW decides to show up an hour late and we miss our flight? Do we need to take two cars in case the psycho screws us yet again? We can’t have a child together because they would hate their life. It gets tiring.

Worse, it affects how much I want to do for my step-children.

 Subscribe in a reader