Later in the day after the events of 11/28/2001, I learned that my grandmother (paternal) had passed away after a long stay in hospice. A combination of a stroke and alzheimer’s disease really had wiped out any memories that she had of us, but she hung in there a lot longer than many in her situation would. She was a tough cookie and I have many fond memories at their home. Especially the food!
One might believe that suffering such a substantial loss would give even the coldest of hearts pause, at least long enough to stop the unending harassment and abusiveness. Not the PEW. Nothing could stop her desire to lay down an assault.
I spent a good portion of my day coordinating with family the arrangements that would be forthcoming. I initiate contact here to keep PEW appraised of the expected schedule for services and burial of grandmom.
LM: Hi
PEW: hi
LM: Here’s the lowdown…
PEW: ok
LM: MJM called and told me to be at [The Funeral Home] between 8:30 and 8:45 AM. Viewing from 9AM – 10AM
PEW: ok
LM: Mass at [The Church] (up the street) at 10:30AM. Lunch/Bereavement “Party” at [The Restaurant] right after. Whatever that means.
PEW: ok
LM: He told me flowers were “taken care of” as well as a rosary from the grandchildren which will be placed inside the coffin.
PEW: oh really?
LM: That’s what he said.
PEW: ok. did you change the paypal email address
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Huh? Hey, PEW, my grandmother died. Here are the arrangements. All you care about is what email address is tied to PayPal?
She couldn’t care less. Still, I answer.
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LM: Yes. To Hotmail.
PEW: ok
LM: Since we ping it there anyway. And I wasn’t getting all of the notifications to hotmail.
PEW: i know. this S2 is soooo cute. PP (psycho SIL) told me she could handle both kids. what do you think? my mom will be home sometime in the morning. but i’m not sure what time. i don’t know what to do
LM: I dunno. I really don’t think so.
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I believe I’ve mentioned before that unstable PP watching the children on her own was a constant bone of contention. I hedge here a bit, but only because I’m in no frame of mind to argue about it at the moment.
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PEW: is ZM going? oh
LM: But now she’ll think something.
PEW: hmmm. what should i do
LM: Not good. Shouldn’t have mentioned it to her yet. Unless she just offered?
PEW: i just asked her watch S2 because he’s still strange with people. well she called this morning and said she heard. asked me who was going to babysit
LM: Oh. Darn it.
PEW: i said I didn’t know yet. well….we have the cell phone.
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Another classic PEW tactic wasn’t just relegated to the children. I’m set up to be the bad guy. My memory is fuzzy, but earlier this particular year (I think) was the year that PP attempted suicide. So now, everyone was walking on eggshells for fear of driving PP into another suicide attempt. In PEW’s mind, it was safer to let a suicidal, diagnosed bipolar sister who didn’t do anything to help herself watch our children than it was to upset her by saying no. Of course, telling her “I don’t know yet” meant – “I’ll ask LM and he’ll say no and then you can rail against him.”
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PEW:i’ll call my mom shortly and see what time she’s coming home. i mean if she’s gonna be home at like 9 it’s no big deal
LM: k
PEW: i could call SS and see if she would take S1….. and i’ll just tell PP (psycho SIL) that SS misses him
LM: k
PEW: is that what I should do?
LM: Give it a shot.
PEW: oh man, i gotta change this baby
LM: She’ll prolly be too busy. Okay, talk to you later.
PEW: he stinks soooooo bad. you call her. i barely ever talk to them. wait till i talk to my mom
LM: k
PEW: my mom may decide to come down tomorrow. after work. bye. oh yes….. and one more thing…..
LM: ?
PEW: I am not ungrateful…. i am happy alot of the time…. but if my memory serves me, we’ve fought about this before. about the flowers for the anniversary or birthday or whatever
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She’s relentless. I just want to make arrangements regarding my grandmother’s services and burial, she wants to concern herself with PayPal email addresses and argue more about the Anniversary thing. For chrissakes, my grandmother just died! Shut the hell up about your Anniversary expectations!
So, I ask her nicely to stop…
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LM: I would really like a moratorium on discussing this. I promise I won’t miss it again in the future. I can’t go back and change the past. And I only pray that that will be enough to move on.
PEW: well….something isn’t sinking in
LM: Okay, I guess you just won’t stop. So, I’d like a moratorium on discussing this until after my Grandmother is buried. Would that be okay with you?
PEW: that’s fine, but please tell me why would your grandmother dying have anything to do with anything. oh….i know….because it’s convenient for you
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Good Lord. Most people would probably think that this is a complete work of fiction. I assure you, it is not. It also gets worse.
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LM: I just don’t feel like arguing during the course of the next few days. There are more important things to concern ourselves with.
PEW: like what
LM: But now you’re going to bastardize that, too, because you just… can’t… stop.
PEW: BASTARDIZE WHAT?
LM: Telling me that I’m using my grandmom’s death because it is “convenient” for me. What is convenient is I have no desire to argue about this anymore. I am wrong. I will try to do better in the future. And allowing you a forum to continue to needle me accomplishes nothing. But since you won’t stop, I suppose I will have to log off again.
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I’m not sure why I thought being patronizing would stop her. I just wanted her to stop. I took a shot that taking full responsibility for the egregious action of buying her a gold watch instead of flowers for our Anniversary would help. It didn’t.
By the way, as was often the case – I got nothing for our Anniversary. PEW is one of “those women” who thinks that gift-giving on such occasions is something only the man has to do.
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PEW: no i will….but don’t expect me to act like I believe that you are admitting that you did anything wrong. your grandmother dying doesn’t change the way I feel… sorry
LM: Yes, I understand. Another lose-lose.
PEW: i’ll log off
LM: If I say I’m wrong and apologize… it just isn’t enough.
PEW: yeah….remember i was supposed to buy you flowers. remember. so…if you thought you were wrong, why not say it back thenb
LM: What I think you should have done has no bearing on my admitting I was wrong. You wanted flowers, I didn’t get them. I just don’t appreciate the “one-way” street where your concerned.
PEW: what one way street?
LM: WE celebrate our anniversary as TWO people.
PEW: that’s such bullshit
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Of course it’s BS. It’s always about her. What she wants. What she desires. What she deserves. To hell with everyone else.
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LM: So, therefore, when you go spouting off about what you should have gotten, I see no reason why I shouldn’t be entitled to the same thing.
PEW: yeah and I do alot of shit for you that other women don’t do on a daily basis for their husbands
LM: That thought doesn’t change the fact that I should have gotten you flowers. Okay. Now, that is the end of it. I have nothing more to say on the subject.
PEW: well i’ve told you before if that’s how you feel about the situation then i am in the wrong relationship
LM: I was wrong. I apologize. And I won’t fail again.
PEW: FUCK YOU
LM: Grow up, PEW.
PEW: don’t expect me to act like you’re wonderful now because your grandmother died, fuck you
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Nice talk. She’s a frigging demon. She is.
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LM: You’re unconscionable.
PEW: no you are. i’m sick of you
LM: I just want you to leave me be for a few days. That’s all.
PEW: yes i know because you’re greiving
LM: But you are just SO mean and vindictive, you can’t even respect that.
PEW: give me a fucking break
LM: So, thank you. You can stay the hell home. We don’t need a babysitter. I don’t want you there. Because you can’t stop being mean for two stinking days. And then go back to it afterwards. I didn’t say “treat me nice.” I didn’t say “forgive me.” I didn’t say “I didn’t do nothing wrong” and I didn’t say “forget about what happened.” I asked, nicely, for a simple moratorium, and you couldn’t do that. What a shame.
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And stay home she did.
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