Link to Parenting Issues Part I
Over the years, discussions, emails, and instant-message fightfests begin to take a massive toll on your psyche. With borderline personality disorder, things can be fine one moment and then come completely unhinged the next. I found myself, at times, questioning my own sanity. However, judging by the interactions I had with those others in my life – I knew I wasn’t off my rocker. Most of what you’ve read so far has come after I had a understanding of what I was dealing with. I’ll start showing you stuff that long preceded that understanding.
The reply came about an hour later and it was as expected – full of venom, projection, complete lack of acknowledgement for what she does do (or doesn’t do) and it’s impact on the children. Due to it’s length and the number of issues, I’m combining her reply with my follow-up to it, broken up into the items needing to be addressed (as it was in the email reply). She listed 10 items… all of her parts were the contents of one email, all of my comments are from my reply to hers:
(Email follow-ups, 1/26/06)
PEW: Well this is interesting LM. This email shows the total lack of respect that you have always had for me.
LM: Hardly. Pointing out how your words and your actions never seem to match is not being disrespectful, it’s being truthful. And get over your respect issue, this is about the kids, not you. Respect is earned, and when you begin to treat me and your own children with respect, you will get it back.
PM: #1 The boys are almost always in bed by 8:30-8:45 and asleep by 9. Despite whatever you think you know. Occassionally I let them stay up later, but that is the exception not the rule.
LM: Then I suppose the 3 times that I called at 9PM or later this month alone and they were awake (one time S6 was asleep) was merely a strange coincidence? You’re a liar.
PEW: #2 They do not watch inappropriate shows. We watch the Discovery Channel, Animal Planet (mostly) and Nick. That’s basically it.
LM: If you say so. I know that they watch those, was simply suggesting that if there are others, you should consider reviewing them. And it’s really not what they are watching, it’s the amount of time they watch TV. Studies suggest less than 2 hours of TV a WEEK. You let them watch over 2 hours nearly every day. They are not learning how to interact with other people, including you. And the fact that you have them in NO other activities, diminishes their social skills even further. It’s no wonder every time S9 gets a chance to interact on his own with other kids he gets frustrated and potentially violent, he doesn’t know how to handle it.
PEW: #3 The computer games I am allowing him to play are educational and the others foster good hand eye coordination. I do not let him play for hours on end. I know you like to believe this, but it’s simply not true.
LM: When I call, he is typically watching TV or playing on the computer including during homework and dinner when you should be carrying on a conversation with them, not to mention the times they actually sit and watch you play games on the computer, something you could be doing while they are in bed. I’m fairly certain that the combination of the two that you do are in the neighborhood of several hours. It’s really great that you’re fostering good hand-eye coordination when what S9 so clearly needs at this point is more time learning how to interact appropriately with others, like sports that will really help his hand eye coordination plus his social skills. My suggestions simply offered ways for him to not be so stimulated on his own and actually move towards continuing to teach him how to play nicely with others, be that you, S6, or both.
PEW: #4 Did you realize that S9’s lowest test score this year was a 96? Please don’t tell me I need to do anything differently with regard to reading, writing, math or otherwise. I am doing an excellent job with the kids acedemically. Don’t need your help there.
LM: I know you like to take all the credit for stuff that is going well and divert all of the blame for the things that aren’t going well and this is a prime example. Whether or not you need my help is immaterial… I offered suggestions and will continue to do what I can when I can. But recognize this – it’s childish of you to accept no responsibility for the things that go wrong and all of the responsibility for the things that go right. This is typical of you and this particular situation is another in a long line of examples.
PEW: #5 I made an appt for Dr. M——- I told you that yesterday. When we go to court, I am going to try to get it written in the court order that you stop your phone calls to the teachers, counselors, etc….because it only muddies the waters for the kids and what is on THEIR minds. I have a great relationship with Dr. M——-, he was recommended by a psychologist that I work with and he knows me very well. We have great communication…thanks.
LM: Yes, I would love for you to go to court and do that. It will only serve to show exactly what I’ve been saying all along – that you go out of your way to undermine my relationship with the children and also go out of your way to disrupt communication with the people that are involved in our children’s lives – especially teachers and counselors. Maybe you can show your attorney the order which specifically states that if you do anything to disrupt said communication, contact, and availability – you are in contempt. Dust off the order and read it.
PEW: #6 I keep a very close eye on the kids when they play with all other children including J. Neighborkid. S9 told J. Neighborkid he doesn’t like his video games, so now they don’t play his games anymore, they only play S9’s games which are Shreck, Shark Tales and Sponge Bob on Game Cube. But feel free to go knock on my neighbor’s door next time you’re in town….they already know you’re a nutcase.
LM: Sure you do. I suppose you were Johnny-on-the-spot when S6 was pushed nearly in front of a car because of J’s aggressive behavior. I won’t get into some of the other issues I’ve been told about… but stop pretending like everyone is an angel under your watch. But hey, if all of the violent video games and gunplay that your neighbor’s kid engages in is okay with you, there is nothing I can do about it. Besides, you will always have me to blame, right?
PEW: #7 I had someone at my house last night fixing some plumbing. You could have discussed your plan with me prior to your browbeating the child like you used to do to me for an hour. No wonder he’s having problems. He’s 7 and you have him on the phone beating his ear for an hour about something that I already handled. I did NOT tell him I was going to ask you for consequences. I told him if he continued to complain about the consequences I gave him, I was going to ask you to give him MORE consequences while he is in [your home state]. That’s what I said. The fact is, you needed to communicate to me what he was “freaking out” about, but you refused. He went upstairs, shut himself in his room. I was getting my plumbing fixed and at that moment I could only do one thing and it wasn’t going to be deal with your bullshit. I didn’t hang up on you in front of the children. S9 was in his room and S6 was playing with the little boy next door in the kitchen. Please don’t tell me I put you in the position of being the “bad guy” and me the “good guy”. It is the total opposite. If you had them full time, I’d be the good guy and you the bad guy, believe me. I have to dicipline them every single day…..you 4 days per month.
LM: Spare me. While stating that you don’t set yourself up as the good guy and me the bad guy you proceed to describe doing just that. Use dad as a “threat.” Thanks for acknowledging that while attempting not to acknowledge that. As for your overuse of the word “browbeat” – it certainly was not that. As for your contention that I wouldn’t tell you what he was freaking out about, I specifically told you that we were talking about his actions and consequences and twice asked you to join me on the line to hear exactly what the discussion was and was met with you being belligerent and hanging up on me (repeatedly).
PEW: #8 I have never “bullrushed” the children. I have chased them up the steps, when they tell me they are not taking a time out.
LM: It’s called “bullrushing” – thanks again for acknowledging what I’ve said while trying not to acknowledge it.
PEW: I have raised my voice, but I will tell you that I can count on ONE hand the amount of times I have physically diciplined them, so you seriously need to cease your accusations of emotional and physical abuse. They aren’t afraid of me, they tell me everything and they tell me off when they feel like they need to. If they were afraid of me, why is the answer “Daddy is much scarier than you” when I ask them why they behave so well at your house?? They say you yell louder than me too. Is that a lie? I don’t yell at the children. I don’t physically discipline them.
LM: Parents who physically discipline their children do so because they lose control and can’t speak appropriately. Physically disciplining them only shows them that when they are angry it’s okay to hit someone, great job there PEW, and you wonder why S9 is having problems keeping his hands off kids that don’t do what he wants. They’ve been admonished firmly without yelling or screaming. I don’t do to them what I’ve personally heard you do to them while simply on the phone with one or the other. I’ve heard about smacks in the mouth. I’ve heard about smacks in the head. But you can continue to tell S9 that things he says happened never happened and that he is a liar. That’s good for him, too.
PEW: #9 I spoke to my lawyer about your cockamamy plan of moving to [here] 2 weeks per month and here is where I stand. Re-establish yourself in [here], then come talk to me. I’m not signing anything on your say so. You can’t be trusted. You’re practically certifyable, why would I agree to give you 50% custody. The kids need stability and you’re as far from stable as it gets.
LM: I didn’t say when or how long I would be moving to [there]. I simply said that, if, as you have repeatedly claimed, and I have in multiple writings that if I move back to [there] you would give me 50/50 custody – would you agree to do so… and as expected, you hedged on the basis of finances, reversing course (as usual) because you didn’t think it was a realistic possibility. My guess is you fear having to back up your words… words you gave to evaluators, lawyers, and such… something you didn’t expect was going to happen anytime soon. It was pretty easy to say you would give me 50/50 when you didn’t think there was a possibility of it happening, as usual it made you look like the “good guy” to the counselors. But as I, and you, know, it’s not the truth and you proved it yet again. I called your bluff and you showed your true hand, now we’ll let the courts see it. I guess that’s another bridge we’ll have to cross when we get there, but I’ll be sure to save this email when you’re crying about how *I* cause you to incur legal bills when my suggestion would have done just the opposite… again.
PEW: #10 We will never be able to co-parent together as long as you have a total lack of respect for me. I did want you to talk to S9 last night……talk, not browbeat. But that’s your specialty, so I shoulda known better. That’s why I have the kids full time and not you. I am the better parent. Sorry but thems the facts…..There are plnty of proffessionals to back me up.
LM: We will never be able to co-parent together because you don’t know how. You’re a user and a manipulator and always will be. I have professionals that will back me up as well… at least those who have seen your words and/or actions firsthand.
PEW: By the way, I never asked for your input. I was merely letting you know what was going on with our son. Nor did I ask for you assistance. But thanks anyway.
LM: Actually, you did, but even if it weren’t true, it doesn’t preclude me from addressing issues with my sons in a meaningful way, at least until you sabotaged the effort and attacked me instead of getting on the phone like I asked and assisting in showing S9 that we were on the same page where the problems are concerned.
—————–
That was really productive, wasn’t it?
Every once in a while, you have to give that “state of reality” speech, despite the knowing that it will never work. Between the obvious parental alienation going on (dad is so gonna punish you when he calls, acting out towards me in front of the children, cursing me in front of the children, etc.), the projection, the rage – you feel hopeless. All told – this will be my 13th year dealing with this child in a grown-up’s body. For DW, she’s entering her 4th year as a volunteer in this war. All we do is try to mitigate the impact her behavior has on my children (and hers, too, despite there being no contact). Oh, you’ll see…