Food-Stamps for Cash Program

An early threatening email from Psycho-SIL.

When PP was unemployed and exploiting every system she could, she managed to convince the PEW to act as an ATM-machine, trading the food-stamps she was on in exchange for cash. I thought that it was going to be a one-time deal, but apparently it was going on for a while. She’d get $100 or so in food stamps and trade them to PEW in exchange for $80 in cash. Given her substance abuse issues, suicide issues, etc. – this was obviously a horrible, horrible idea.

One day while at work, I was called by PEW to stop and get “her” some cash on the way home. This was right around Thanksgiving 2002. Between craziness at work, getting stuck late, etc. – I had forgotten. Nevermind that PEW could have rolled out to a nearby ATM at any time on her own.

When I arrived without the cash, the gig was exposed and I expressed the finality of my horror at the implications for PP’s health and well-being. Of course, PEW had all kinds of excuses and justifications for “helping” her sister. PEW had a meltdown, but I didn’t really care, I’d lock-down the account if I had to. Any involvement in our lives from PP was way too much for me. Soon thereafter, I got this gem in my work email…

LM,

I just wanted to respond to your accusations about my character. Despite my troubles over the years, I have yet to defraud or steal from my family.

The reason I was willing to “lose” $80.00 on the food deal was because I know what a cheap person you are and that you would make PEW’s life hell if she helped me out for anything that wasn’t a landslide deal for you guys. As for why I didn’t get anything at Walmart that I needed, you were supposed to be bringing the money home with you, so I figured I would go to the [drugstore] later. I needed eyebrow wax, which by the way, Walmart doesn’t carry the brand I use (surgiwax, in the microwavable tub) only [drugstore] does. Please feel free to check that out. Despite what you think of me, I don’t like taking hand-outs. I thought the deal I had offered you guys was a win-win for both parties. If you must know, I threw in a pack of condoms for $1.87 while with PEW because it was just less embarrassing to buy them with other stuff (hers that is).

Listen, I don’t think that you “forgot” to get the money, especially after being reminded twice. I mean, if it was an auction you were supposed to stop and check out, you wouldn’t have “forgot,” that, would you? I think that you didn’t like having to get the money before the food. Too bad, that’s what being ahead $80.00 get me – immediate cash. Anyway, I had pitched the idea to PEW – she was the one that said you could bring the money home that day – which I thought was great. I didn’t demand it that day. Once I thought I was going to have it though, I was relieved.

Do I think my sister is stupid? no, I think you batter her emotionally until she even starts to think in your warped way. That is why again, I had to make sure it was a win/win for you or you would use her doing me a favor to extort something that you wanted from her.

I said we could go shopping whenever PEW wanted, but for pride’s sake, I was hoping it would be at a not very busy time. PEW said she had just gone shopping so I didn’t think she’d need to go immediately. The card is good for a month. The day before Thanksgiving is a very busy day traditionally. They are after all, food-stamps – which I thought might be embarrassing to use. However, I went to the store after returning your money, minus the $18.00 I had spent, and it was pretty painless – just like using an ATM. I will get the $18.00 back to you as soon as possible. Don’t start emailing me and harassing me for it.

It’s funny, when things are important to YOU, you never forget them. When they are important to other people, you are VERY forgetful. You are a very one-sided individual and although I might get over this someday because I love my sister and my nephews, if you ever accuse me of trying to use or abuse anyone I love, if you accuse me of being that low, you will have bitten off way more than even YOU can chew.

PEW, keep other people out of this. I don’t like people knowing my business and trust me, everybody would take my side, knowing how cheap LM is. I try to be there when you guys need me – maybe it’s not money-oriented but I don’t think it’s less valuable. I’m sorry that you two trust your children with me, even your dogs, but you think I’m capable of stealing from you.

Have a nice Thanksgiving. Thanks for starting my holiday season off on an even better note.

~PP.

The sense of entitlement is apparently a genetic condition in this family.

I’m busy at work, have two children aged 4 and 1-1/2, a crisis condition in my marriage – and I forget to get the cash necessary to subsidize PP’s secret habits (whatever they were at the time) – and crazy as it is, they almost seem to make a rational argument about how wrong I am for the predicament PP is in.

Of course, I was having none of that. Sadly for you, the readers, this time-frame is one that precedes my obsessive saving of everything. I did fire off to her a reply that laid out all that I knew about her history, but don’t have the exact email:

– Embezzling funds from her well-paying, very important job.

– Stealing the identities of both her mother and her aunt (who have the same name) in order to secure loans and credit cards in their names.

– Failure to pay back PEW for things PEW bought for her without my knowledge.

– A failure to repay a few-thousand-dollars worth of loan that PEW gave her prior to our relationship.

…and a whole host of other things. She’s a liar, a thief, and a manipulator of the highest order. PP is a bully and really fancies herself as intimidating when she’s not and her threat that I will have bitten off “more than even I could chew” didn’t sit well with me. I let her know that she was a complete fraud and that the level of interjection into my life and that of my family was too much. Further, if it continued, I would make sure that she would not soon forget that she would have bitten off way more than she could chew… and that I would have no qualms about backing it up. I only wish I had a copy of it to share the details.

This email consists of nothing you haven’t already seen before in terms of projection, denial, lies, refusal to accept responsibility, and a lofty sense of entitlement.

Other weirdities:

– Why so much detail on her eyebrow wax and condoms? TMI!

– Of all of the households on her side of the family, ours (despite PEW) was the most financially successful. Nice house. Nice cars. Decent furniture. The term “cheap” epitomized the entirety of her family.

– One thing that was very clear is that I was never comfortable with her watching the children and probably wasn’t all that comfortable with her even watching the dogs!

– Yes, she thought her sister was/is stupid. It’s why, like the leech that she is, she attaches herself to those she can slowly suck the blood (money) from. PEW’s need for acceptance (from others) overrode her common sense often.

One final thought… if “everyone is going to side with you” – that’s when you let everyone know your business.

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I’m So Fat. I’m Disgusted With Myself

Another “can’t take the kids anymore” exchange. It’s also combined with an argument about the holiday season again. After the entire pathetic discussion about not doing a big holiday Christmas Eve thing involving my family and tapering it back quite a bit, she left me twisting in the wind when I had told my family that we were pushing back the get-together to the weekend after Christmas. While in the middle of that announcement, she chimes in, “we’re not really sure.” I had enough.

PEW: AAAAHHHHRRRRGGGG
LM: uh oh. Cuteness wear off?
PEW: S2 refused to take a nap. he was freaking. i’m so fat. i’m so disgusted with myself. it’s not even funny. i’ve been eating out of anxiousness

…for the last 8-years…

LM: Super.
PEW: super?
LM: Not really. I just don’t know what you expect me to say in response. So I say something irrelevant.
PEW: i don’t expect you to say anything but try to feel a little compassion. not be judgemental
LM: ok. Not being judgmental.
PEW: now the cuteness has worn off. he was just climbing all over my fucking back and pulled my hair when he lost his balance
LM: omg
PEW: why can’t these kids leave me alone for two fucking seconds
LM: Close the door. Hey… There is a CD in the drawer of the PC. Turn the speakers on. Open and reclose the drawer. It will play. S2 will leave you alone.
PEW: well i don’t really want to spend alot of time on here……i really would like to get some things done around the house…..but they follow me from room to room……..S2 whining the whole time i can’t stand it anymore
LM: ok
PEW: did you call your aunt c….
LM: No, I’ll call tonight. Talked to my Mom to find out who called “Open House.” She said, not her… Probably Aunt R….
PEW: why don’t you want her there?
LM: No no…
PEW: i think I called it an open house when I talked to you……
LM: I just don’t want a parade. Someone is here, hang on.
PEW: you’re unbelievable. she said “I heard you have a “thing” on christmas eve”……
LM: Hang on.
PEW: no I gotta go
LM: k. He’s gone. Anyhoo… I meant… NO, I don’t mind her coming. And please don’t tell me that I’m unbelievable.
PEW: well why the inquisition about finding out who called it “open house”

Drama Queen. It wasn’t an inquisition. I was trying to make sure that whoever was expanding the roster for the get-together was clear that it was a scaled-back affair from previous years. Obviously, my paranoia was heightened in that I feared she would get pissed if it became something more than the small affair centered around the children. But then, it didn’t matter as neither side of that coin would result in anything but chaos and terror from the PEW.

LM: It wasn’t an inquisition. Look, we went from doing something Xmas eve, to doing it on the 28th. We fought over having something on the 24th.
PEW: it pisses me off that you don’t listen…..I told you she talked to Aunt R….
LM: I tell people the 28th, then you come back to me and tell me that everyone is welcome on the 24th.
PEW: i don’t give a shit if we do nothing…..I’m a busy woman. i don’t have time for your shit that’s for sure
LM: On TGiving, I say the 28th, and you stand next to me and tell people well, “you’re not sure.”
PEW: no I didn’t
LM: So, I really don’t know what the fuck is going on. Sorry if I am confused. Yes, you did.

Yes, she did. After all of the drama about scaling things back, I told my family. As I was telling my family, she chimes in, “we’re not really sure.” Ummm, yes we were really sure until the moment she opened her fat mouth again. Of course, then it instantly became my fault.

PEW: well when you figure it out let me know
LM: When YOU figure it out, you let me know.
PEW: here’s what I am doing…….
LM: I was content with US on Xmas Eve, and dinner on the 28th.
PEW: christmas eve……i’m taking S1 to mass at 6pm
LM: Everything changed, to MY surprise, at TGiving.
PEW: no it didn’t
LM: When you hedged about Saturday. Yes, you did.
PEW: what are you talking about… hedged> when?
LM: I said “Saturday,” and you stood right next to me and said, “Well, we’re not sure.” You did.
PEW: ok….well tell everyone we’re not doing anything……
LM: Then, a week ago, you tell me to tell everyone that they ARE invited over on the 24th.
PEW: i’ll be here after mass on christmas eve. i’ll have coffee. cookies. i’m tired of this with you. i’m not doing ANYTHING. not dinner…. i’m doing my own thing on christmas eve. with my children. i don’t care what you do
LM: See, that’s my point.
PEW: you’re always concerned about everyone else but me anyway
LM: That was our original message. That is the message I told everyone.
PEW: good great. i’ll see them on the 23rd
LM: But then YOU changed it.
PEW: ok well then i’ll change it again
LM: Okay.
PEW: i’m tired of everybody’s shit anyway. i’m gonna be selfish for a change
LM: For a change?!?! LOL! Whatever, PEW. Okay.

Tired of everybody’s shit? No one ever gave us any shit ever. In fact, we were often complemented as being the place that had the best parties where people felt the most comfortable. We didn’t particularly worry about where people ate and drank, we weren’t a “shoes off” household, stuff like that. EVERYONE loved to come to our house for festivities.

PEW: yeah I know it’s okay
LM: I know. I get to look like the ass and tell everyone… PEW changed her mind again. Nobody is invited over at all. Merry Christmas. Sorry for the inconvenience. You’re such an asshole.
PEW: it’s ok….because I work 25 hours a week and take care of two active little boys the rest of my time
LM: Okay. Well, I’m not taking off Monday then.
PEW: well…why don’t you fucking make dinner for YOUR family
LM: That’s fine. I’ll do that. You go somewhere else this holiday season and spare everyone your madness.

As if I had never done that before. You would think she did everything in that household.

PEW: when are we having my family over. NEVER
LM: Whenever you want.

Funny thing was that I could count on both hands how many times her family visited us at our home(s) in (at that point) 8-years. They lived the closest and rarely ever came. It’s not as though they weren’t invited from time to time. When they came, they rarely stayed long. They just couldn’t be bothered.

PEW: you make dinner…..i’ll lay around all day like you do. ok
LM: lol Yeah, that’s what I do.
PEW: why would I look forward to hosting your family when all they do is criticize anyway
LM: Stop making shit up because you’re stressed out.
PEW: i’m gonna enjoy my holiday for the first time in 8 years
LM: I know. Take a hike and let everyone else enjoy theirs, too.
PEW: i’m not making anything up
LM: Here we go with the annual “my family is evil” rant. Go on.
PEW: well after I suffer through holidays with your family……you’ll show up and start a fight at my family get together right? i have nothing to be stressed about?
LM: Nope.
PEW: thank god my parents gave me $500
LM: I didn’t start a fight.
PEW: i did
LM: Yep. You and your sister did.
PEW: yep. also….if you don’t take off monday….i’m working monday night
LM: That’s fine. You can work Monday night. Wouldn’t want you to be a hypocrite and hang out with my family anyway.

Now there’s some kind of threat! She’s threatening to leave me the hell alone! What a blessing that would be!

PEW: good…..I need the money. i’m tired of not having enough money…..I need the hours. I’m not giving up 8 hours so I can be snubbed by C…. AGAIN. bullshit
LM: ok. Hell, work 20-hours if you want. I don’t mind, really!
PEW: and you can stay home on christmas day when I go see my family….so you don’t ruin it for me again
LM: That’s fine. Are you finished?
PEW: for now
LM: I should really go to make sure nobody in your family makes fun of their character traits again. Or, you can go and leave the kids with me. lol
PEW: well since my parents bought christmas for the kids AGAIN…..that’s not really fair now is it
LM: Oh they did not.
PEW: oh….but they did
LM: Oh no they didn’t.
PEW: they’d be opening 3 toys a piece if it was up to you
LM: We bought the kids gifts before your parents gave you that money.
PEW: yeah……ok
LM: Yeah, okay is right. They get plenty of toys… from us and from others.
PEW: i don’t care…….I like the excitement of them finding stuff under the tree
LM: So do I. It’s as exciting to find 15 things under the tree as it is 30.
PEW: ok
LM: ok. You’ve bought them shit they’ve never played with. Because it’s about you, not about them. As usual.

I’ve mentioned before the freakish nature of her gift-giving and gift-receiving. It has nothing to do with the recipient and everything to do with her appearances to everyone. Of course, that would exclude me, not that I cared all that much. It was refreshing to see that I actually called her on it.

PEW: listen……nothing is about me……
LM: Yeah yeah… I know. It’s me, right? You are so predictable it’s sick. Get over yourself. Find somebody else to bitch to, because I’ve heard this same story every year. You’re wrong, and you know it.
PEW: listen…….
LM: So you just blame blame blame.
PEW: no……I’d like to see you do what I do everyday
LM: Everyone else is responsible for your miserable mood. Not you.
PEW: getting S1 to school on time…..dragging S2 with me everyday. having to take them intoo stores with me….. taking them to the doctors
LM: Sorry, I have to go to work during those hours.
PEW: working a difficult job….. you don’t work
LM: Here we go. Okay… I have to be at a job site during those hours. Make you happy?
PEW: right. yep
LM: I don’t work, but I can’t be home, sorry.
PEW: i’m glad you admist it
LM: Yeah. As if you had a clue.
PEW: trust me…..i know
LM: Sure you do.
PEW: well don’t sit there….and act like you could handle things so much better than me when you never even take these two out of the house
LM: That’s cause you’re too busy using our van as [your work’s] personal coach.
PEW: bullshit…..i’d take your heap anytime you asked me to
LM: Then take it every time.
PEW: I don’t even use our van once a week….know it all. fine
LM: You wouldn’t take my heap unless you HAD to.

Here I was, wondering why our brand new minivan was racking up all kinds of mileage when her workplace was but a few miles away. I discovered that she was using it to transport the clients (children, mind you) to various appointments and other places. I nearly had a meltdown because of the liability involved. Not only were we not insured for her to use it for her workplace, there was no agreement regarding liability. I pointed the fact out to her that we could be in HUMONGOUS trouble if she were to ever get into an accident and those children were injured or killed. The level of personal risk involved was incredible. She freaked out on me. Why? She didn’t want to have to go back to her workplace and “unvolunteer” to use our personal vehicle for the facility’s transportation needs. They HAD a van she could drive, but she chose to use ours instead. Again, all about appearances, even at great personal risk to her own family.

PEW: get the trash out of it
LM: Nope… because you shouldn’t be using that as your work’s chariot either.
PEW: there’s no reason why you can’t throw out all the shit in there. again……i rarely if ever use our cars
LM: But we all know that your work is more important than the potential impact on our household.
PEW: once in a great while
LM: Sure.
PEW: well…..I gotta work….otherwise I wouldn’t have a penny to myself….so tough shit. unless you want to get a decent paying job. it’s pretty sad…..that I enjoy a job where I get cursed out regularly….as opposed to being with you. my boss treats me like…shit……but it’s still better than being home
LM: Yeah, then you bring all that angst home and take it out on me and talk badly about my family. Nice.
PEW: you wish that was why
LM: Talk about your passive aggressive and misplaced anger. Problem with you is… Everyone ELSE gets away with taking advantage of you.
PEW: bullshit. you take advantage of me
LM: But since you’re too much of a spineless wimp to take issue with them… you lay it all on me. You’ll sit with a drunk all afternoon…
PEW: drunk?
LM: You’ll continue to get laughed at with your pay at work while allegedly doing the best job there… You’ll listen to [E….] whine about her drug habits. You’ll keep taking [niece]. Then, when it all gets too much… I’m there for you to unload on. Nice set up you got there. Really.
PEW: please. oh yeah i got the life. ripped clothes and all. everyone should envy me. and feel sorry for poor LM
LM: lol I don’t want anybody to feel sorry for me.
PEW: you do nothing but nag nag nag me
LM: I’m proud of what I have. All you do is piss and moan about every stinking thing. You talk about the kids whining… holy crap. You should hear yourself.

Here’s a woman who lived in a $300,000 home, had a new car just about every three years, a husband who thoroughly enjoyed being home with his family, was helpful, loyal, wasn’t a drunk, drug-abuser, wife-beater (despite her claims), and had every comfort any middle-class person could have and she did NOTHING BUT COMPLAIN! Further, she didn’t have to work if not for her penchant for spending us into a hole with rarely anything to show for it. Freak.

PEW: and nothing I ever complain about gets addressed
LM: I know. I don’t make enough money. I know… whine whine whine
PEW: right
LM: You don’t have enough stuff under the tree…
PEW: nag nag nag
LM: whine whine whine
PEW: nag nag nag turn the lights out….
LM: The kids don’t let you do anything…
PEW: turn the christmas lights on…..
LM: Whine whine whine.
PEW: dont’ forget. don’t forget to call your doctor
LM: Hey, you’re the bitch about money.
PEW: don’t forget
LM: You can’t bitch about money all the while wasting it, right? Sorry, can’t let you have the cake and eat it too.
PEW: don’t forget to check the lights on the car…..
LM: Call your fucking doctor. It isn’t that hard. Or “won’t the kids let you?”
PEW: hate to be a pest but the cell phone…..
LM: Check the truck lights… because you’re fucking up the truck.
PEW: yeah it is shithead
LM: Ooops! The “kids” won’t let you.
PEW: the kids turned the light on in the first place
LM: PEW, I’ve reduced the cell phone to 50 minutes for emergencies… Ooops! The “kids” don’t stop you from using it like we have unlimited time. I’ll pay the $80 for it, and you’ll bitch that we have no money. I get it. *rolleyes* Get a clue, PEW.
PEW: you get a clue. cheapass
LM: Waste energy – costs money.
PEW: nagger
LM: You want money? Don’t waste energy.
PEW: nag nag nag nag nag nag
LM: Cellphone is $10 so we have extra money.
PEW: you’re an old fucking lady
LM: Don’t use it like we have unlimited minutes. Now, instead of having $25 extra… We’ll lose $70
PEW: i told you to shut the fucking phone off
LM: Nice job, PEW! That’s my fault. Oh yeah… now your overuse is my fault. Nice trick!
PEW: yeah…you should have disconnected it when I told you to
LM: Yeah, I accept responsibility. That’s my fault. You jackass.

When things got tight, we tightened our belts. A good place to save money was the cellphone. At the time, I could downsize the plan to what I termed “emergency status.” We only got one when we had the children anyway. At the time, they had a plan that was $10/month for 50-minutes. Perfect. We discussed it and agreed to it. Imagine my surprise when she continued to use it like we had an unlimited plan. You can see her position above. Freak.

PEW: don’t want to go christmas shopping with me…. don’t want to do a family activity with me….
LM: Yes I did, and I had a great time doing it!
PEW: yeah but we fought first
LM: Yes I did, I just didn’t want to go to the Crayon Factory. No we didn’t.
PEW: don’t remind me
LM: You create your own hysteria. You know it. ANYPLACE but the Crayon factory.
PEW: I had to take a toddler and a preschooler to something all alone
LM: ANY of YOUR ideas but the Crayon Factory.
PEW: asshole
LM: But hey… The Crayon Factory gives you an excuse to fight. right? You bitch that I don’t put up lights.
PEW: well it was the perfect activity for them. it’s not what is best for you
LM: But then, I stay home, and put up lights… on the day I promised S1 I would put them up.
PEW: it’s what is best for them
LM: I know, but then I couldn’t get the lights up…
PEW: if you werem
LM: And you were mad about that even though I said I was putting them up after Thanksgiving.
PEW: if you weren’t such a tard you could have done both things
LM: If we stayed closer than the crayon factory, I get them both done. No, I couldn’t. Not with you working all day Sunday. And me working during the week.
PEW: i could have put up the lgihts
LM: But nooooooooooo… you need to bitch.
PEW: any moron could do it. not that difficult
LM: You can even make a call to your doctor… because of the “kids” what makes you think you would put up lights? You can’t barely get your ass out of bed in the morning and you’re going to climb up in a tree and put up Christmas lights? Can’t put up lights in the tree in the dark. You DID want lights in the tree, right? That’s what you requested.
PEW: i just wanted freakin lights up
LM: No shit, sherlock. And they got up. It would have been another week if I had gone to the Crayon Factory. Then, you would have bitched about that. I know how it works, PEW.
PEW: whatever…..at least you won’t be missed that much when you’re not around anymore
LM: Yeah, okay. Then you can move into your parents’ basement and they can take care of you again, wittle baby? Then they can abuse our kids just like they did you. Perfect!
PEW: someday, you’ll be gone and it’ll just be the 3 of us…… so don’t worry about it…..I chalked it up to that
LM: lol
PEW: yeah it’s real funny. keep laughing it up. you look up to your Dad so much i’m sure you’ll follow in his footsteps in MOST ways
LM: Yep, when it doubt, insult. Way to spread that Christmas Cheer you miserable grinch. Are the kids keeping you tied to the PC? I mean, with all that stuff you allegedly have to do, you sure are wasting a lot of time with me, aren’t you? You, who never have time, never have peace, never have cooperation.
PEW: nag nag nag…. you should know alot about insulting. did you find a girlfriend yet?
LM: *YAWN* You bore me.
PEW: should I start looking for a new husband. you need to find someone ten years younger
LM: No, you should start looking for a new holiday personality. This miserable act was old years ago. Go fuck yourself.
PEW: and just so you know…both boys are sitting right on my lap. we’re doing the Toy Story CD because I actually play with them

So which is it, PEW? Are they “up your ass” and you “can’t fucking take them anymore” – or are you playing with them voluntarily? Which is it? Freak.

This is one where I “let loose” a little bit. Perhaps not as much as the readership would have expected, but more than my usual defense and over-explaining myself while doing my damndest to avoid going into the gutter with her. Here I went gutter. It still isn’t pretty as I read it. I’m not proud of it, but I imagine it probably felt really good at the time for a short moment.

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Cutting Class to Stay Home – Wrong Choice

Of course, do I ever make the right choice? Is there a right choice when you’re dealing with a PEW?

By December of 2004, I had been taking between one and three college classes a semester. I started in 1995. In 10-years, folks… in 10-years, I had never missed or skipped a class.

12/4/2002 would be the first time. I was taking a computer programming class that had been extremely challenging. It didn’t help that we were working on a group project and as much trouble as I was having, I was the best in our group. I assure you that this isn’t saying very much.

I wasn’t ready for the night’s quiz, so I figured I’d blow it off, spend my evening reviewing, and then go up to the campus the following night to take the quiz. I had already spoken to my professor about the plan (absent the “I’m not really sick” part) and he was okay with it.

PEW: What time school?
LM: Probably 6:30ish, I could go later… till I finish failing the quiz. I’m afraid. I’d rather study up for a day or two and take it later. It was a very complex quiz.
PEW: great
LM: 😀
PEW: you should have just went last night
LM: Actually, no I shouldn’t have. I wouldn’t have been ready. In fact, I have no shot at being ready barring a miracle.
PEW: so what difference does it make

What the hell does she care, right? Irresponsibility was never a big deal to her. Better I just go and fail than to burn the class and take the quiz when I’m feeling a little more prepared.

LM: I can put my nose in the book and try to figure something out.
PEW: when
LM: S1’s appt still on for tomorrow?
PEW: yes
LM: k
PEW: i think it’s weird that the guy thinks that you can just run up there with no notice….. and I think it’s weird that you just stayed home last night without talking to him first
LM: He’s a PC geek that is full of his rhetoric about operating systems. I think you’re looking to pick a fight and you better drop it quickly. How about you let me worry about my class?

Dude! Wake up, she’s on the war-path! Looking back on this one, it ranks right up there with the money-stealing story in its absurdity.

PEW: i’ll drop it allright…..
LM: Thank you.
PEW: shut up. i think you’re up to something
LM: You know, PEW… I love how you ask me to leave you alone when you get PMS. Then, when I do, you find ways to poke at me. So then you can blame me for “being an ass” to you. Why all of a sudden are you concerned about me wanting to blow off a class? We are working on a project.
PEW: yeah…this is how you leave me alone….you don’t go to school last night when my mom is here to help out…..
LM: Good bye. Leave me alone, please.
PEW: but you’ll go up there tonight when I haven’t been out of the house for 4 days

Classically honed victimhood skills, developed over a lifetime. It’s amazing to me that on the 5th-night, when I have something to tend to, it’s about her not being out of the house for 4 straight nights. Too bad I didn’t think to ask her what stopped her from “going out” the prior 4-nights, not that it would have helped.

LM: Call your sister or someone else to fight with.
PEW: fuck you
LM: Okay? Thank you.
PEW: fuck you. fuck you
LM: Why are you making a fight out of me not going to class?
PEW: you sure you don’t want to tell me more about your brother’s game the other night
LM: And what would I tell you?
PEW: God….you are so self centered
LM: Just come out and accuse me, and get it over with? Drugs?
PEW: I don’t know….more about the plays

I see! Two of my brothers played in an organized flag-football league. I managed to actually get to a game to watch them play. It was a lot of fun and I got to see the both of them make some very exciting, athletic plays. We all admired everyone’s abilities, regularly rooted for one another, and were often excited to tell some tales. Apparently, my excitement saw me tell her about the experience and this was an imposition on her. The master at scuttling pretty much anything, but especially anything not about her, was at it again.

LM: Another woman?
PEW: I don’t know and I don’t really care. it would be her problem then wouldn’t it
LM: Are you mad that I talked about their game? Sorry if I get some childish excitement out of watching my brothers play football. I won’t burden you with that excitement in the future, I promise.
PEW: you are so selfish
LM: Why?
PEW: it’s so funny…..you tell me to go fight with my sister or something…… you’re the asshole who’s been fighting with anyone and everyone
LM: Why am I selfish?
PEW: honestly
LM: Because I went to see my brothers play football? Because I blew off class?
PEW: because you didn’t stay home last night because the boys were sick… yeah….ok
LM: Yeah, I guess that was selfish, using them as an excuse to stay home.
PEW: yeah
LM: Sorry about that.
PEW: i’m really getting tired of your bullshit. tired
LM: What bullshit?
PEW: just the bullshit
LM: Why does it bother you that I blew off class?
PEW: because now all the sudden you have to go tongiht
LM: I told him that I don’t think I can make it tonight.
PEW: good because you can’t. i’m going out. you went out monday….. you’ll probably go out Friday. i’m going out tonight. I cancelled my freaking trip Saturday because I didn’t want to leave you with the kids for 2-1/2 days. I really wish you wouldn’t come home for lunch either. you’re just annoying

PEW was a classic “tit-for-tat” personality. She was one who kept score – and she did so even when it didn’t matter. I never stopped her from going out, seeing her friends, making plans, wanting some getaway time… never. Still, she always played victim to the hilt. The problem was, she was about as anti-social as they came. Her history was that she would need to get blind-drunk to “have a good time.” Looking back, it was to cope with a social setting. Fortunately for her (health and well-being and that of the children), after S1 was born, she would get violently ill if she had more than 2-drinks. I can’t explain why, it just was.

She would have 2 or 3 get-aways planned for the her parents’ mountain retreat with her girlfriends. Usually, she would bail at the last minute for no particular reason (and ultimately blame me). This was one of those times. I have no idea why she undid the plans she had with everyone, but she did. She wasn’t doing me any favors. I guess the fun of tormenting me was a more attractive proposition than going up the mountains with her pretend friends to just drink herself into a stupor again.

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Something Sweet Turned So Sour

The PEW would often leave me in an embarrassing lurch. I remind you of this in the event you hadn’t realized it to this point. The holiday season of 2002 wasn’t unlike any other holiday season. There was one exception. With all of my siblings now married, engaged, or otherwise involved with someone, Christmas was one holiday that we didn’t alternate. Christmas festivities were held at our house on Christmas Eve. Christmas Day, we would all scatter to our respective partner’s family households.

This year, PEW decided she wanted to change things up under the interesting and admirable notion that the children were only young once and she preferred that we really just focus on them and not this big entertaining gig. At the time, I didn’t realize that this meant not having a celebration with my family but retaining the celebration with her family, but then, I made a lot of really stupid choices didn’t I? Of course, I also didn’t realize a thing about borderline personality disorder and isolating one from their family and friends is on their menu of relationship destruction.

The opening of this particular example I believe was rooted in her desire to attempt to adopt one of the troubled children who was a client where she worked. That is another horrible debacle in and of itself… story for another day. The question came out of nowhere. (11/22/2002)

PEW: do you think that you could love a child that is not your blood like he or she was your own
LM: I have no clue. I have to believe yes. The only thing one can’t do, is lie in bed like I did last night… I was on your side of the bed… He was awake, watching Charlie Brown… And I was just staring at how perfect his face was. And how stunningly beautiful our boys are. And how amazing it was that he is mine. And trying to picture his face 5, 10, and 15 years from now. There is a deep deep connection there that I believe can only be had with your own. But I’m sure that I can love any child right up to that point. Which is a lot, from my perspective.
PEW: Awwww that’s so sweet. I agree
LM: I was just studying him. I do that a lot. Even when he is talking right to me.
PEW: you have such a way with words
LM: His facial expressions… everything. I just want to notice all of it. And remember all of it.
PEW: they are so cute. the only reason I asked is because there are so many people in this world….who can’t even love their own children. it’s so sad. not like we love our children

REALLY?!?!

LM: We need to talk aboiut Xmas eve. Dad & C…. won’t be around for a Saturday event.
PEW: what do you want to talk about
LM: What we want to do. I actually had visions of us having people over but we baked a lotta cookies, had some wine and stuff, and then at some pre-determined time, we all sit down upstairs… and read Christmas stories. EVERYONE. Kids and Adults. We pick out like a dozen stories and everyone takes turns reading one. But then I thought people are gonna think that’s dumb and not want to do it.

It’s clear I had given this some thought and had some ideas that would meet the criteria for focusing on the children in some sort of fun way. I did truly think it would be a nice change from having a party where the adults did their usual thing and the kids did their usual thing and do something a little more involved.

PEW: well…..if you want to do something….it has to be completely centered around the kids. or I don’t want to do it
LM: What do you think of the above? The stories and stuff?
PEW: I think that’s a great idea. i really don’t care if people think it’s dumb
LM: lol. No big dinner thing. Not even pizza. Just like wine and cheese.
PEW: i have about 5 years only of this fun stuff….until some kid at their school tells them there’s no santa
LM: Bake cookies. Dogs downstairs. I think we could do that and have everyone OUT by 10 at the absolute latest.
PEW: sooner than 10 would be much better for me

Of course, it’s all about her. If it was her family, a sleep-over would be okay, though. How about this, PEW, why don’t we just ask my family to drive-by, we’ll have the children in the window and they can wave at each other for Christmas. Would that be quick enough for ya?

LM: I know… I’m thinking WORST case scenario. Think about it…
PEW: we also need to think of activities for the kids. books will only keep them busy so long
LM: We’ll talk more later, find out if we REALLY BELIEVE it would be doable.
PEW: but you and MJM aren’t going to stay up till 2am playing sega right?
LM: Right. We can do that on the weekend or something.

This became sort of an annual tradition. My brothers and I would drag out the old video game systems like Intellivision or Atari 2600. After the kids were in bed, we would all hang out down in the rec-room and play these ancients of the videogame genre and laugh our asses off at some of the memories. (For the record, we were partial to Intellivision. Atari was awful by comparison.)

PEW: and the four of us will spend quiet family time together right?
LM: Right. Again, I have my doubts that we can pull of my above described plan. Just wanted to toss it out there. Just keep in mind… With my family spread out all over the Eastern Seaboard… I’m not totally thrilled with chopping our get together out, but agree with settling things down to enjoy the kids build-up to Christmas.
PEW: I wasn’t chopping your get together out. we were post poning it till the weekend. we are going to go to dinner with your Dad the day before
LM: I understand that, but my father is up the first-half of the week, not the last half.
PEW: we’re having thanksgiving with your family. so I never said your dad and c….. couldn’t come over on christmas eve
LM: I know I know.
PEW: i just want to spend time with my boys. don’t get me started
LM: Why do you have to get all spazzy? Cripes. Sorry I said anything.

I would have much preferred to do what we usually did. Forgive me for expressing mild disappointment at the change, but again – I was more than willing to give it a whirl. Also, we spent every Christmas Day (unfortunately) with her crazy-assed family. Why she brings up Thanksgiving I don’t know because we always alternated that and it really has no bearing on what we usually did at Christmas.

PEW: because you’re like…i’m not totally thrilled about chopping our get together out. I made a simple request. Simple. maybe if every year you didn’t wind up playing video games and getting drunk I wouldn’t have a problem with it
LM: Excuse me?
PEW: excuse me?
LM: Getting drunk? Last year, the running joke was that I wouldn’t play with those guys.
PEW: ummm yeah
LM: I watched a little bit… but played none. And I’ve never EVER “gotten drunk.” EVER.
PEW: bullshit
LM: You know what… stop. I can’t stand when you do this.
PEW: you stop. it’s always about you
LM: You make up shit. Just to start a war.
PEW: it’s not my fault your Dad lives in [another state]
LM: And I’m sick of it. I NEVER SAID IT WAS! Stop getting so nuts. I’m sorry if it “hurts you” that I like to have the family get together like that. But don’t go accusing me of “playing video games and getting drunk” Cuz that is a frigging lie.
PEW: I asked nicely if we could not do major entertaining on christmas eve…..can we do it on the weekend….
LM: Shut up!
PEW: but that’s too much to ask. don’t tell me to shut up
LM: I DIDN’T SAY ANYTHING EXCEPT EXPRESS MILD DISAPPOINTEMENT AT THE CHANGE AND YOU ARE SPAZZING
PEW: well……i thought this subject was closed
LM: You owe me an apology for the drunk comment. Until then, I’m not speaking to you. I’ve had enough of your shit. Thanks for nothing.

An uncanny ability to button-push. I, of course, would let it affect me. She could just toss out any old made up accusation and I would still get defensive, as if it mattered. The drunk comment is complete fiction. It just never happened any Christmas. Ever. Yet, all she had to do was accuse it and I would respond.

Had I only learned about low-contact earlier than 2005.

JUST HEAR THOSE SLEIGH-BELLS RING-A-LING, TING-TING-TING-A-LING, TOOOOOOO!

LOOKS LIKE ANOTHER SEASON OF MISERY AND MAYHEM WITH PEWWWWWWW…

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