S.A.N. asks, "What Can I Do?"

I’m going through a custody case right now over my two year old daughter. I had never heard of BPD (borderline personality disorder) before the split with my ex. A friend who happens to be a psychotherapist gave me her diagnosis.

After reading your website, it sounds like our relationship almost verbatim. We had the temporary orders hearing last week and I got primary custody with standard visitation for her. (two hours Thursday and every other weekend) The only reason I received this kind of judgment was getting a Judge that actually took the time to listen to all the evidence.

Her lawyer pretty much got blindsided. I honestly felt bad for him. All he knew was what she had told him (lies). I had a picture of our toilet that was still dirty (from her bulimia). Testimony from our babysitter that happens to be a foster mom and in law school. Her suicidal writings in notebooks. The fact that she doesn’t take care of her son from her first marriage and calls him “evil,” “the spawn of Satan,” and “the next Jeffrey Dahmer.” (Mind you – he’s only six.) Her own mother testified that she had said, “you know she’s lying when her mouth is moving.” I also have her on tape admitting the name calling of her son and the disgusting condition of our house when she moved out, but the judge didn’t even need to [hear that].

Despite getting blindsided, her attorney handled it rather well, which concerns me if he’s given more time to prepare and has more information than he had been given. I know it’s not close to being over. She still baits me at every turn to get me to lose my temper and even has tried the “what’s best for our daughter approach.” I have been the primary caregiver to our daughter since day one.

What can I do to make sure that when we actually go to trial, that there is nothing she and her lawyer can do to get the temporary order overturned?

~S.A.N.

S.A.N.,

While I am certainly sad for your predicament, I am encouraged by the early successes you’ve apparently had and your excellent preparation and organizational skills. Your continued efforts will maximize the best possible outcome for you.

Given what you’ve written and how you’ve written it, my primary suggestion will be to absolutely ensure that you do not lose your temper at all during this process… at least, not in a way that is recordable and could come back to haunt you. Go sit in your car with the windows rolled-up in the garage and scream at the top of your lungs. Go to the gym and work out. Find an outlet for your frustration and angst. DO NOT let it fly on your PEW. It takes a great deal of patience and discipline, but it is something that you must do despite the urges you may have to “let her have it.” Read my post: Appropriate Means of Contact with High Conflict Personalities. I often refer to it as “low contact.” Read it. Re-read it. Then read it again when the urge strikes you to vent your frustration on the PEW. Read my numerous examples of how to handle things inappropriately, a few of which are highlighted in the above article. This is so important to you and ultimately, your daughter. Give the other side something to use against you, particularly as a father, and it could serve to undermine everything you’ve accomplished so far.

What can you do?

In the “crap-shoot for dads” that is most family court systems in this country, there is no guarantee that your current situation won’t be reversed. After all, “mom is best” is still the obvious mindset of the divorce and family court cartel.

My suggestions:

– REMAIN CALM AND FOCUSED ON THE ULTIMATE GOAL, which is maximizing your time with the child for her ultimately long-term well-being as you see it. Stay low-contact and always speak respectfully to your PEW. Assume you’re being recorded. Assume everything you write is being saved and analyzed for use against you.

– Keep your “evidence” well-organized and relevant to the matters at issue. It would appear from your story that you have grasped that concept. Save yourself some money and always make 4-copies of everything for your attorney (and/or at the direction of your attorney). Don’t be paying counsel for making copies when you can do that. 1-copy for you. 1-copy for the judge. 1-copy for the other side. 1-copy for “just in case it’s needed for something” purposes.

– Stay highly involved in all of your daughter’s activities, which really goes without saying, but I’ll say it anyway. Know and interact with the schools and teachers. If she’s in extracurricular activities now or down the road, know and interact with coaches, sitters, nannies. You get the picture.

– I’ll repeat my low-contact suggestion. Answer no email that doesn’t require answering. That leaves very few. No idle chit-chat on the phone. No phone discussion at all unless it’s an emergency pertaining to the children. Any email you send should be short, to-the-point, and always blind-copy yourself on anything you send.

– Finally, don’t feel sorry for the other side, her attorney, or anything that is in a position of support for her and whose aim is to destroy your relationship with your daughter and her future well-being. Don’t waste your time.

I’m sure some of the readers will be quite happy to toss in some other tips and suggestions that may serve to help you as well. You can also check out some of our previous advice column posts, too.

Best wishes.

~LM

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J.I.M. writes, "I Just Want to Have a Normal Life!"

Hello Guys,

After reading your blog for the last few months, I can’t even begin to tell you how much I can relate. My boyfriend of two years has a psycho ex wife, and two children from that marriage. We actually found your blog because we had “diagnosed” her with BPD… and our experience in and out of court, and with the unpredictability mirrors your blog.

I’m reaching out for your advice, because I’m at the end of my rope.

Basically… [our PEW] had been more or less in and out of the children’s life when I met S (my boyfriend). She was re-married 2 weeks after their divorce to my boyfriend’s life long best friend, and had a child with him about 7 months later. So she was wrapped up in her “new” life and didn’t want much to do with the kids… until about a year into our relationship she realized that I was becoming their mother. So, she out of the blue, for the first time in 2 years since their divorce began asking for over nights with the kids… At first we weren’t reluctant because we wanted them to have a healthy relationship with their mother.

However, about a month into the 1 over night a week thing she began getting physical with them, sending our then 5-year old little girl home with blood on her shirt after being smacked in the nose with enough force to cause a nose bleed. CPS became involved and found that she had in fact been “using inappropriate discipline” and required her to take parenting classes.

She has since decided that she is going to make our lives a living hell. She filed for full custody, and child support… yes, seriously filed after not parenting for about 2-years took us to court! About $3,500 later, we have legal “possession”, with joint custody and she exercises parenting time per the state guidelines (every other weekend, and one night a week for 4 hrs)… CPS and our daughter’s teacher both testified against PEW in the trial, PEW had NOTHING to support her side except her psycho ranting and crying and the judge bought it!! She pays $0 child support, and gets more time with the kids than what she wanted prior to my involvement.. Alright so there is the back ground in a nut shell… Here is the current problem…

She has now decided that I’m to blame for ALL of her problems… and there are many! She is constantly sending emails (we switched from phone/in person to email per your suggestion) saying that I’m causing the children to hate her, that I’m causing the children to hate my boyfriend (which they adore their dad) Worse- she is aggressively manipulating our 5- and 7-year old children to think that I am a problem. She tells them that I don’t take good care of them, quite the contrary, and manipulates them into saying stuff like “we only don’t like you mommy, because she says not to like you” when I NEVER say a foul word about their mother in front of the children. and trust me – it’s HARD.

I need your advice on how to handle this with the children. It breaks my heart that she is telling them all kinds of horrible things about me, and at their tender ages they are believing some of it. She’s even gone as far as to tell them that I only went to college because I was extra stupid, and you only go to college if you’re extra stupid, and need more school… yes, seriously. I have had an absolutely WONDERFUL relationship with the children, but I can feel their mother’s influence rubbing off, and I’m worried about it damaging my relationship with them. She is also sending emails to my boyfriend saying stuff like… “You need to spend more time away from your girlfriend… with just the kids, because they’re sad that they have to share you” Something that I really don’t believe is an issue at all. In fact they view the 4 of us as a family, and she is threatening their view of it. How do you suggest we handle this… ANY advice would be appreciated… DW how do you handle this?

I just want to have a normal life, a normal family… I want her to parent the children how ever she sees fit (with out hurting them) when they’re with her, and leave us alone when they’re with us. What can we do?

Please help.

Thank you for everything.

J.I.M.

J.I.M.

DW here as LM is off on business travels. The short answer is this, there is nothing you can do. Nothing.

The long answer is worse I’m afraid. But let’s start at the beginning. As we hear over and over from our readers, we’ve gone through the exact sames things you have. PEW has blamed me for her problems, told the boys that LM should only play with them when they are here and not my kids, the court cases, CPS, etc, etc ad nauseum. Unfortunately, there is absolutely nothing you can do about her behavior. As we often comment, it’s not against the law to be a bitch, even if it hurts your own kids.

The only thing you can change is your reaction to things. Of course changing your reaction isn’t always positive or helpful. The one thing you have going for you is that you have primary custody. Thank your lucky stars, because we dealt with the exact opposite schedule and you can imagine the damage PEW did to 3 & 6 year olds when she had them 26 days out of the month. You have the time and power to undo the brainwashing that occurs in the kids when they come home. Continue to love and support them as you would if their Mother was normal. It’s hard, especially when/if they start acting like her, but you have to be able to deal with them separately and not look at them as a package deal. This is probably the hardest thing I have to do right now, honestly, I’m not good at it.

However, my beliefs are changing on the “always be nice about Mom” front of things. Frankly, I think the kids deserve to be told straight up when Mom does or says something that isn’t right. You don’t have to slam her, but being able to say “I’m sorry your Mom told you that, it’s a lie, here’s the truth,” will help keep your sanity, and hopefully help them question things they hear in the future, because they will need this skill when dealing with her for a long time to come. This is a contention in most households, and certainly ours as I end up saying things under my breath or being very sly about it and LM shoots me an evil look pleading with me to shut up. What happens is we end up being put in the same spot as our spouse, always feeling like we have to defend ourselves, when we aren’t even part of the family! We get the blame/responsibility, without any of the rights.

So what am I really saying? Your life will never be normal. Ever. You have to make a choice to stay and make the best of it, or leave and have a chance at a normal life. You can do things to minimize her impact on YOU, which is what I do. But you can’t control what she does. LM and I have certain rules, he’ll ask me if I want to know before he tells me something that happened. I get involved in the big stuff, but the little everyday stuff, I just don’t want to know. We figured out this week that we are completely different in one way, he HAS to talk about things or his head will explode. I, on the other hand, have to NOT think about things, or my head will explode. You have to determine what level you want to be involved, what you need to ignore, and what you really need to respond to in order to keep your sanity, and ALWAYS keep communications open between you and your spouse.

~DW

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ADK Writes Again and it’s Not Good

LM & DW

Hi. I had contacted you over 6 months ago regarding our own PEW.

I am once again reaching out for help. Since our last e-mail to you, we have become engaged and plan to be married in 6 months.

Everything had improved for a while – we were doing parallel parenting and discussing NOTHING over the phone (since it’s not documentable means of communication). We had stopped responding to her e-mailed rants and only responded with bulleted texts or e-mails regarding relevant matters on his three sons (9, 7, and 5). I guess she didn’t like that very much, because 2 months ago she got a court-appointed parent coordinator. What might have had the potential to be a helpful situation has crashed and burned. The coordinator insists that the SMALLEST matter be solved in a face to face meeting between her, my fiance and the PEW. The PEW, craving contact with my fiance, relishes this and is constantly trying to bring up defining my role with her children, asking what the legal role of a stepmother is, etc etc. The parenting coordinator, who I am guessing was dumped by a husband in the past, indulges the PEW and will literally yell at my fiance. He has to go or he will be held in contempt of court. If he requests a new coordinator, there is a chance one could be a appointed that has binding decision-making authority. This one doesn’t have that (Thank God).

The latest extravaganza is her telling my fiance through e-mail that their oldest son has been crying a lot lately and has been writing very dark and disturbing writings and artwork. He immediately texted to speak with her over the phone (since that is an emergent issue). She calls, and begins to say how the 9 year old wants to break everything in sight, “including our marriage”, and that he’s “suffering” because of us getting married, and that she has disturbing artwork and writings from him. My fiance asked her 5 times to provide him with these. She hedged each time. He has now asked her for 3 days, and all she will respond with is “I think he needs therapy, so if you’d like to sit down and meet with me……”

I am afraid she is going to hide behind a blown-out-of-proportion 9 year olds concerns about his father’s remarriage to dictate whether I should come to school functions, sport functions, what my role should be, whether the kids should come to the wedding, etc etc

By the way, when this child is with us, it is all smiles and happiness, no tears, many drawings of us as a family with rings on my hand and my fiance’s hand, cards saying ‘I Love You,” etc……

Any advice you could give on this matter would be greatly appreciated. We don’t know what to do.

Thank you,

ADK

ADK,

Again, I’m sorry to hear of your troubles. I know it’s no great solace, but your experience with the Parenting Coordinator is not as uncommon as you may think. I’ve seen stories eerily similar to yours.

Like many of the players in the divorce and family court arena, there are those with inherent biases, experiences, thoughts and solutions that simply don’t fit a high-conflict personality such as your PEW’s. These idealistic people believe that everyone is an adult and if we could all just sit down in a room together and speak rationally, there would no longer be problems.

Unfortunately, in your case as you’ve described it – your PC is facilitating a dangerous situation. Your PEW having unfettered access to your DH will never go away. It is the antithesis of “LOW CONTACT” and will forever be the vehicle by which she can maintain and even escalate her reign of chaos on the entire family.

Further, your PC is clearly overwhelmed by the situation, biased, and most importantly – completely unprofessional.

My advice: Fire the parenting coordinator. Regardless of the risks involved with the next one, this one is doing you two no good and is further making difficult your lives with her lack of helpful problem solving, lack of professionalism, and abusive tactics. The PC has literally become the negative advocate for your PEW.

My fear would be that by allowing this pattern of experience to continue, you end up in court, and the PC provides substantial support for PEW and contends that you are the difficult ones.

In closing – as for the “stories” about the 9-year old… I would disregard them unless you hear or see for yourself that such behavior is manifesting itself with him. Keep your eyes on the situation. If I had a nickel for everytime The PEW said that the boys “cried hysterically” and “hating going to you” – not only would I be rich, they wouldn’t have as much fun nor appear to be the normal, well-adjusted kids that they are when they are with me. It’s another weapon used to make you two doubt yourselves. Don’t let it work. Talk to the boy. Tell him that you hear he is interested in art and writing and ask him to tell you about it – even share some with you. That’s how you find out what’s going on with him. Certainly the PEW is only going to paint a picture of worry, blame, and fear – even if it’s complete fiction. Don’t get sucked into the madness. Avoid her efforts to keep a high level of contact with DH. I have a 9-year old. They can be spoken to. They do respond. They will share with some kindness and patience.

Maybe the readers will have some more suggestions that may prove helpful or even better than my thoughts. As always – wishing you the best possible outcome.

Sincerely,
LM

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MS writes: Please Help Me!

Dear LM and DW,

I’ve become a HUGE fan of your blog over the last 6 months. I check it religiously for updates and I am much inspired by the way you handle the situation w/ so much dignity.

The man I’ve been seeing for the past year has a psycho ex. She knows about me, but is as yet, unaware that I’ve met the children. We’ve operated on the principle that it’s none of her affair. She’s seen my car at his house on the nights SHE has the children, but we make sure it isn’t there on the nights he has the children. We’ve also told the children that they should feel free to tell their mother whatever they want or nothing at all. Whatever they feel right in doing. They have not told her (very telling don’t you think?).

The other night when he had the kids she called in a panic stating that someone was prowling around her house. Begging my boyfriend to come over and check. He did. No one there. Then she begged to come over to his house for a little while as she was so afraid to be alone (rolling my eyes). He agreed to let her as I’d already gone home (I really don’t want to stay over the nights he has the kids just yet). She stole my keys while she was at his house (we’d realized on the way to my house that I’d left my keys but figured I’d get them the next day).

As soon as she left he got a bad vibe and looked in the drawer where he’d put my keys and they were gone. She’s the only one who would have taken them. I filed a police report. The next day she told him the keys were in his mailbox and there they were. We figure she probably put them there on her way to work the next morning. So here is my question. I have my keys back, but I also have text messages from her stating where she put them. Which means she’s basically admitting to taking them. I know this is petty and stupid, and while I agree w/ the low contact road, I also think I should do everything I can to press charges. It seems to me that it would be the only thing she would respect. What do you think I should do?

She’s all about the drama. Always calling his friends and family and trying to stir things up. I’ve changed my cell phone number twice because of the text messages she sends. I just think at some point she has to know what will and will not be tolerated. And while what she did was juvenile and trivial, I don’t think it should be tolerated. Please help me!

~MS

MS,

Sorry to hear about your experience. While I’m not sure I agree that I handle(d) much of this with dignity, I do try to handle them as best I can for everyone involved. Here are my suggestions for you, keep in mind they are just coming from an “everyday Joe” – I’m not an attorney and I’m not in law-enforcement:

What she did was not juvenile and trivial.

– I’m not sure what the police would do in terms of arresting her or charging her with stealing your keys.

– WHAT I AM MOST CONCERNED ABOUT IS THAT SHE HAD YOUR KEYS LONG ENOUGH TO MAKE COPIES OF EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM. That means she could have keys to your vehicles, your home, your workplace… and you should take steps to make sure that you are protected… I’d start with having the cylinders changed on your home locks and new keys issued.

– I would (strongly) consider filing a restraining order against her to keep her away from you and your home. The police may not arrest her for theft… but the theft of the keys, the police report, her admission via text message, and her returning the keys (and your fear that she may have made copies… which MUST be detailed, I know I would be in fear of that potential) – will very likely result in a restraining order being issued against her pending a hearing. Then FOLLOW-THRU. Even that sometimes doesn’t change their behavior, but it absolutely demonstrates that you MEAN BUSINESS. If you’re going to do that, I wouldn’t delay in taking action lest your “foot-dragging” be used against you to demonstrate that you don’t actually have that fear.

– Your beau needs to recheck and re-establish some strong boundaries. She is clearly trying to keep him in her life and he is allowing it. No more “over his house for a little while” stuff. He’s asking for serious trouble and he needs to be made very clear about that.

Good luck!

~LM

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"Lovingly Confused" Poses a Serious Connundrum

LM & DW,

I am in the same position as you. I am the DW, although not divorced, my LM has a PEW.

She is currently trying to accuse him of child abuse. I’m almost positive it is in order to get rid of me. She has followed the same conversations and behaviors of those that I found on your site. My problem is, I am getting a license to be a professional counselor. I know my LM and I for certain are not committing abuse and never would. She has not called her lawyer or filed with DHS. Do I stick around or go incognito for awhile??

Lovingly Confused

Dear Lovingly Confused,

Having had CPS called on myself by our PEW, I will tell you what I wish I had done beforehand, what I did afterwards, and what I would do in the future. I may expand this to all ways to protect yourself as the significant other of someone with a PEW, it’s probably something that would come in handy for a lot of people.

First, I would file a letter with your licensing office, local police station, and child protective service organization relaying your concerns about the possibility of her filing false abuse allegations. It’s something I wish I had done. While it won’t completely negate the chance of investigation if/when she does file something, at least you will already be on record of suspecting it and have a starting point when speaking with authorities.

Second, as difficult as it is, I would never be alone with their child(ren), period. When it comes down to what the real parent says vs. what the new woman says, you are dead in the water, so make sure someone else is always around. While it’s noble to want to be a great step-parent, unfortunately the PEW’s make this impossible. Your first thought has to be what kind of danger you are in, because it is real danger.

Third, I find it to be a very difficult position to have to decide to be a partner, or make myself disappear in order to not provoke the beast. I’m just not the type of person to surrender in the face of a bitch like that. There are times when it seems LM makes it appear as if I’m in the background when dealing with PEW, and frankly it ticks me off when that occurs. I want her to know that we are a package deal, but that’s probably a personal issue for me, so my advice probably isn’t the best on this issue. In the end I think if it hurts your relationship to have to “hide”, then it’s not worth it. She’s going to be psycho no matter what you do, so I really see no sense in hiding. I also think that hiding shows a PEW that you think you aren’t worthy of being in their presence and your significant other isn’t proud of you. It’s all about them, so this is an issue I find difficult.

Lastly, in overall protection, if I could do it over – I would never allow her to know anything about me. She would not know my last name, my children would never have seen her, etc. Most importantly I would continue to keep all of our assets separate, no shared bank accounts, even if married, separate property, everything, because she will try to come after you. Keep any business information out of her hands, she should have no idea where you work, what you do, who you hang out with, your history, anything, she will use it for evil, no matter what it is.

Those are my thoughts – we wish you the best of luck!

~DW

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Anonymous asks, "What Do You Think?"

LM & DW,

My husband had alerted our PEW that we would be sending a letter outlining arrangements for an intermediary before this — which we now can’t do. What do you think of this letter (we would send it registered, rather than email)? Is it provocative? Is there anything you would add or subtract? We have been writing emails to the children and have received no reply. They may not be checking them, they sometimes don’t, but we worry, naturally, about their actually receiving them.

Thanks for your time,

~Anonymous…

Dear [Yourpew],

Unfortunately, we are unable to implement a third party intermediary at this time. Because the sort of emails you sent after the children’s Christmas visit must never be repeated, we, once again, request that you restrict your contact with us to emails consisting solely of current important information concerning the children. Any other content will neither be read nor replied to.

Telephone calls should only be made in emergency situations regarding the children’s’ health, safety, and welfare or regarding travel and handover of the children when it is in progress and email contact is not possible.

Please give the cell phone, number XXX-123-4567, to the children. It is to be theirs, and used for no other purpose except to contact their father, whenever they wish. It will continue to be paid for for this use, and it must remain charged and in working order.

Please put in place an ongoing appointment for the boys to receive a call from their father on this cell [on Sundays at __a.m./p.m.]. If for any reason (work or travel) “He” is unable to make the call, he will let the boys know in advance and make alternate arrangements. The boys must check their emails, at a minimum, weekly on Sundays and reply to them.

The travel arrangements for the week of [XX/XX/XXXX] are as follows:

[Details]

My suggestions would be as follows:

Dear Yourpew,

Due to your incessant abusive behavior both via electronic media and telephone, we will no longer accept any emails nor telephone calls which include foul language, abusive language, anything other than matters requiring urgent attention related only to the children. Please be advised, all other communications, questions, etc. shall be ignored – no exceptions.

If a phone call isn’t an urgent matter pertaining to the children – we will hang up the phone without warning. If your emails aren’t an urgent matter pertaining to the children – we will not respond.

We expect phone calls to the children to be answered by the children without discussion with you or any other interference. We will call on X-date at X-time. They may call us whenever they wish.

These are the [specified] travel arrangements:

[Details]

Sincerely,
Us

Here is what to expect in response:

– Rage, abusive emails and/or phone calls testing your boundaries. You will need to hold firm.

– She will not answer the phone, in an effort to engage you. If you’re not prepared to take her to court over it (assuming she is violating an order) – there is nothing you can do about it. Prepare to never speak to the children again unless they are in your company.

– Do not do the cellphone thing – she will only confiscate them, not allow them to call/answer, or worse – start running up the cellphone bill to astronomical levels. I know people who have tried this with a high-conflict ex. Many people. Not one single success story. Do not do it.

– She will never put in place any schedule for anything that is convenient to you. Don’t ask her. Don’t expect it. It simply will not happen. Not for phone calls. Not for emails. She wants you to rely on her. She will fail you in her ongoing, almost drug-addictive desire to have your attention, and not follow through on promises or agreements. The only way to get a schedule in place is via court – and when she violates that, you’ll have to go back. It’s the way of the high-conflict ex.

I know that this is not good news for you, but it is your reality. It is not based solely on my experience but it is based on a wealth of experience of people I know with similar situations. The distance between you and the children only makes it worse. You almost have no recourse and for that I feel very sorry for all of you.

~LM

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Public Awareness Campaign for Abused Men

The organization known as the Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men and Women is always working to raise awareness of domestic violence, especially that perpetrated upon men. Their latest campaign is a poster effort drawing attention to domestic violence.

As part of our ongoing effort to bring more awareness to society about abused men and the availability of our toll free helpline and services for men in relationships with abusive women, we have had a public awareness poster designed. This 11 x 17 poster has “tear off” sheets attached at the bottom right hand corner with the agency’s name, helpline number and website address printed on them so that someone can easily tear off a sheet and stick it in their pocket to take the information with them.

We are hoping that these posters (when placed in various public places along side of other information re: domestic violence) will help men realize that when they are emotionally, psychologically and/or physically assaulted by their intimate female partner it’s also called domestic violence.

Would you like to put some of these posters up in your local area to bring more awareness to this much ignored and hidden side of domestic violence? We are now taking orders. The suggested donation for each poster is $4.50 which covers shipping and handling and the minimum order is 10 posters. Please write us at dahmwagency@gmail.com or call 207-683-5758 to place your order.

This organization is also sponsoring the Men’s Experience with Partner’s Aggression Project, which is still an active effort. I urge you to read this article and participate. When laws and legislation such as the Violence Against Women’s Act serve to label all men as abusers and only women as victims (purporting oftentimes as many as 95% of perpetrators are male), it’s efforts such as those undertaken by the Domestic Violence Helpline for Men and Women that are working so hard to bring a sense of reality and true equality to the situations. When it comes to establishing the necessary funds and support mechanisms that are so desperately needed to assist men suffering from domestic violence – it is up to men to report their experiences at every opportunity. Not only are you protecting yourself, you set the wheels in motion for many others to receive protection and assistance as well.

Forget about being embarrassed about reporting an intimate partner for domestic violence. It’s not necessary to “man-up” and just deal with it, no matter how much ridicule you expect you might receive. There is a reason that false accusations against men and restraining orders based upon same are so effective at separating men from their freedom and family (and oftentimes much more). It’s due to all that “manning-up.” It’s due to a life of being taught to “never hit a woman.” Men have been trained to avoid doing anything that will bring “harm” to a woman. In the interim, the level of violence perpetrated by women is becoming more and more public. Even though they may not be punished to the same level as men, only a continued effort to expose violence, no matter the gender, will see slow changes come to the mindset of men = perpetrator, women = victims.

I ask you, which situation makes men appear more foolish?

Option A: Your jackass friends laughing at you for reporting that your wife/girlfriend beats you up?

Option B: Sitting in jail when you when you finally defend yourself, leave a mark, and then you explain the situation to your jackass friends from behind the glass at your local prison?

If she’s being violent, take action. Call the police. Call the help line. Report it. Report it every single time. I just dealt with it and did so for a long time. When I look back and think about how many times things could have turned out so horribly different… yes… even moreso than what you read about here… I suddenly realize how worthless “manning up” really is.

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PAS: JBB Needs Help

We’re looking for advice, suggestions, anything that may help.

Here is the situation: PEW was caught in the act of an affair, by her ex-husband on one occasion, and by the then-10-year-old son on another. She is embarrassed, and wants to blame the divorce on something else. Here are some of the different lies she has told:

1. Her lover had drugged her. Problem: she changed her story of which drug was used, and ultimately claimed he had used “roofies”, even though she was quite awake and alert on both occasions when she was caught. Oh, and in true BPD or NPD style, she somehow made that her ex-husband’s fault for “not protecting her from and evil man who gave her drugs.”

2. That the Dad molested the then-4 year old daughter. Problem: nobody else corroborates this story, the PEW identifies one single incident of “molestation,” which happened when the Dad was applying chigger-bite medicine, and PEW herself never mentioned this incident until three years later, after she was caught in bed with another man, and found herself going through a divorce. PEW is also very careful never to tell this particular lie in front of the now-10 year old daughter, who of course, has no memory of any “molestation” because none took place.

3. That the Dad had in his possession nasty pictures of the Mom’s grown daughter from her first marriage. Problem: this daughter — Dad’s step-daughter — has a porn website, pole dances for a living, is a drug abuser, and admitted, while under the influence of alcohol, that she was the one who had planted the pictures in her step-Dad’s briefbag because she was angry with him for not making her car payment for her, and her car had gotten re-possessed as a result. As you can see, this paragon of womanhood is a chip right off the old PEW block.

4. That the Dad had taken “nasty” pictures of a group of middle school girls while chaperoning a field trip. Problem: PEW can only produce one picture, of a girl bending over, which happened only because of the flash delay on the camera; the ex-husband had already deleted this picture from his computer, not because he considered it “nasty,” but because it was it was poor photography. PEW found it in the “delete folder” on the ex-husband’s computer, and now shows this picture to everyone, acts all horrified at how “nasty” it is, and tells folks it was taken by her perverted nasty horrible pedophile evil ex-husband, and that there are many others that are even worse – that they are so bad she cannot even show them to anyone. Yeah, right. Here’s a medal for your self-restraint.

This woman spends all day, every day, calling her neighbors, people in her church, people at her children’s schools, family members, anyone, everyone, and telling them over and over again that her ex-husband is an evil pedophile. She even went to his new neighborhood (20 miles away), and knocked on every door, introduced herself, and told the people there her allegations. Problem: he was examined by two court-appointed psychiatrists, including a phallometric exam, that cleared him off all charges. In fact, one of the psychiatrists was also ordered by the court to examine HER, and found that she was so psychotic that he recommended that she be medicated and put under a minimum of weekly psychiatric evaluation. This psychiatrist also recommended that custody be given to the Dad, and that PEW be supervised whenever she was in the presence of the kids. The judge was never given the opportunity to rule on these recommendations, however, because PEW was going so nuts at the time that the Dad chose to settle case without going to trial, in an ill-advised attempt to end the insanity – his attorney asserted that the PEW would “settle down” once the divorce was finalized, and the Dad believed that. In addition, PEW has reported the Dad to Family Protective Services so many times, and they have investigated and cleared him so many times, that they threatened PEW with charges of making a false report if she came back to them. Of course, she now tells everyone that the Dad has “bought FPS off”. Just like he supposedly bought off the two psychiatrists.

The parents have joint custody, and the kids spend about 50% of their time with each parent. The kids cannot bring their friends over to Mom’s house, because whenever they do, she immediately collars the friend and spends the next 1-2 hours (yes, you read that right) haranguing the poor kid and telling them what an evil person their friend’s Dad is. When the Dad was going to throw a birthday party for one of the kids, the Mom called every parent of every kid in both neighborhoods, the school, and church, and told them not to allow their kid to attend the party “with that evil man” (even though he wasn’t even going to be there… because the party was being hosted by two other adult friends and relatives who were sensitive to the issues). Every day when the kids get home from school, they get a one-hour lecture on how evil their father is. If they are coming home after spending any time with their Dad, then it’s a 2-3 hour raging/screaming/carrying-on rampage about how evil their father is.

The divorce has been finalized for nearly two years now, and pretty much everyone believed (and told the Dad) that the Mom would settle down and back off of all the crazy accusations, once the property settlement and custody stuff were finalized (oh, and it’s a total travesty that this crazy psycho got almost 80% of the marital assets when SHE was the one who caused the whole thing because she couldn’t keep her legs together… but the Dad basically caved in on everything, believing that he was doing the right thing for his kids). Well, she hasn’t. She continues to escalate it.

Keep in mind that there is a H-U-G-E Mother-bias in Texas courts, especially in the rural counties (which this one is); so it is quite unlikely that this Dad could actually win sole custody of his kids… he is very reluctant to attempt any mods to the custody order, because it will most likely be a situation that will put the kids through absolute hell and then they will end up exactly where they are right now. Prior to the separation, PEW openly threatened the Dad on several occasion (in front of the kids, too) that she would kill him if he ever tried to get custody. She has also beaten and scratched him during her rages (prior to him moving out). This of course concerns me for the children’s sake, too, because it seems highly probable that she will someday escalate her abuse of them to a physical point as well. Sadly, when he first moved out of the home to protect himself, he wanted to take the kids with him for their protection, and was advised that if he did, she could easily accuse him of “kidnapping”, and then he would not have a chance in hell of even getting joint custody.

It seems this PEW will fight forever to protect her image. Which means, despite reasonable predictions to the contrary, she will probably NEVER let this thing go. No matter where they move to, or what develops, she will always make it her mission to go around knocking on doors and presenting her lopsided side of the story in
the court of public opinion. It is ruining her children’s lives.

Suggestions, inputs, thoughts, observations, help? Any feedback would be so very very appreciated. I feel so helpless, standing by and watching this family live with this insanity. I’d be willing to consider anyone’s point of view on the situation.

Thanks so much in advance,
JBB

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How Do You Keep PEW From Destroying Your Relationship?

That’s a very good question.

G writes:

My question for you is how do you keep your ex from destroying your current relationship? It has to be hard. We’ve been in turmoil so long I worry that we don’t know how to deal without it. Or someday she’s going to say I’ve had enough.

Thanks for your site. It’s very therapuetic.

– G

G…

A couple of things (among many) keep PEW from destroying our relationship:

– We make sure that PEW isn’t the “most common” thread in our relationship. That is, we make sure that we have so many other things that make our relationship great besides our solidarity in protecting ourselves and the children from PEW.

– When DW doesn’t want to hear about an email or a phone call, I respect that. Sometimes, “enough is enough” and she just needs a break from the turmoil.

– I handle my own “crap.” There are times I ask for help and she does. There are times she volunteers her help and I accept it. However, it’s my problem and I need to always be the one to step up and take the lead in handling it.

– Never take her, her patience, her help, her love… for granted. The same goes in the other direction. Fortunately for her and us – her ex-husband isn’t a “PEH.”

– Never just “expect” that she will do things for your children like any old spouse. 4-years into our relationship, I still (and will always) ask if she can do something with respect to my children (and she does the same regarding hers). A pick-up from school. “Babysitting” if something comes up. A doctor visit. A phone call. Appointment setting. Those are our primary jobs with respect to our own children and we are thankful for any help we provide each other.

There may be others… but those are the biggies. TALK. TALK to each other. HEAR each other. Respect her wishes with regard to dealing with you dealing with your ex… or not dealing with your ex.

With regard to your situation, accept that her participation in this is voluntary and never forget, she can quit and she would be perfectly within her right to do so. Dealing with a psycho ex-wife like these is a monumental undertaking. Of course, you can quit, too. It’s a scary thought, but it’s a realistic one. Never forget that she is a volunteer in your mess.

~LM & DW

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The Greatest Custody Order/Agreement Clause

Changes: All provisions of this agreement may be altered with prior WRITTEN agreement between both parties. If a deviation is agreed to by both parties, it may not be revoked or changed without subsequent written agreement by both parties. Written agreements may be accomplished via email, fax, or through other documented media.

If anyone is going through a divorce involving children, be it civil or uncivil, I have found this to be a most powerful ally in ensuring against alleged miscommunications and the likely occurrence of “he-said, she-said” situations.

I’ve struggled mightily for several years with PEW’s:

– Reneging on verbal agreements which were then revoked at the 11th-hour.

– Reneging on written agreements (usual email agreements).

– Verbalizing agreements and then failing to put them in writing or draw them up as orders (after getting burned with time and expenses of having an attorney draw them up only for her to refuse to sign them).

I’m on the record in various places around the internet with a simple assessment of a borderline’s negotiating and agreement philosophy:

#1 – There is no agreement that you can come up with that s/he will ever agree to. If you came up with it, there must be something wrong about it, underhanded about it, or you are trying to rip her off in some way.

#2 – If s/he verbalizes an agreement with you, s/he will never sign your documentation or see to it that it is documented and signed from his/her end.

#3 – There is no agreement that s/he’ll come up with that s/he’ll agree to if you agree to it. If you like it, there must be something wrong with it or she forgot something that will benefit you and rip her off.

#4 – BPD’s don’t negotiate. They pretend to negotiate, upping the ante in a disguised effort showing (falsely) they are amenable to a settlement. After you’ve gone way above and beyond what is fair or equitable in an effort to settle things, s/he will use that as the benchmark in asking the court for more when you go to the inevitable hearing.

Now I’m fairly certain that the clause opening this post is not uncommon and probably not original. However, I did come up with that all on my own. Tired of the run-around that was typically associated with “working with her” as she so often claims she does verbally but doesn’t actually do in reality – I had to come up with something that would reduce my frustration and lock her in. Vacation plans, extra custody time, exhange points, and other plans have been upset by her games. I’d swirl into a pit of begging and pleading for honoring what we had discussed, to no avail. So, that was the clause I came up with to change things. I wouldn’t beg. I wouldn’t plead. If I didn’t have it in writing, I had no agreement and I would plan accordingly. Unfortunately, it was usually without the children.

It has been instrumental in heading off some court hearings. Those it didn’t, it was instrumental in either defending myself resulting in a finding of innocence or finding her guilty of contempt. When she goes into court claiming she didn’t agree or there was some misunderstanding, I usually only have to hand the judge the email exchange showing agreement between us and the jig is up. It’s really been that simple.

I presented that clause to Judge Contempt. Not only did she like it, she put it into the order exactly as I wrote it, including the all-caps “WRITTEN.”

If your order/agreement doesn’t have this clause – get it in there the next time it is updated. If you’re in the middle of a custody case, make sure that a clause (or one with similar language) becomes a part of any final order.

It won’t guarantee that your psycho-ex will adhere to the order without violation. However, when s/he does, at least you will have protection and proof should you need to go to court. Remember, when emailing, always copy yourself on every single email. Keep your paperwork filed and organized in the event you ever need to use it in court.

If you feel compelled to request a deviation from your order, do it in writing. The MOMENT you get a written agreement in reply – STOP! No more discussion. No mind-changing allowed. It is essentially an extension of the court order without having to go through a hearing for a change. Accept no substitute. If you don’t agree in writing, you don’t have an agreement, period. Follow that order to the letter and avoid deviations unless you have them in writing – agreement from the both of you – IN WRITING!

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