Early Custody Schedule Changes

From the Timeline 2004 – Part 1 entry:

June 2nd – We have a support conference. PEW and her counsel were asking for child-support money based upon 50/50 joint custody. As PEW’s then work schedule showed and supported my notes in my calendar, I had the boys 60% of the time during the month of May. Her schedule was not slated to change and for the summer, I would have had the children for 60% of the time in June, July, and August as well. Upon discovering that given that I had the boys 60% of the overnights and she would have to pay child support, she chose to litigate the matter. Our hearing was scheduled for July 14th. PEW initiates litigation.

The interesting thing about her job at the time is that she often complained about her work schedule (nights). When things came up that might warrant swapping off with another employee or asking the boss for an alteration in the schedule, the common reply from PEW was that it would “take an act of God” to get the schedule changed for her. Well, it turns out that an act of God or an act of money, because in the aftermath of the support conference, she knew she had to do something or she would have to pay child support.

The huge mistake I made was allowing the change in the schedule at that time because I wanted things to end as smoothly as possible, especially for the children. In case I wasn’t clear – I wasn’t even asking for child support. In fact, all I said at the support conference was that I wasn’t going to pay 50/50 child support. I would have paid something less just to keep the schedule the way it was. Read that again – at the onset of this mess, I was willing to pay her child support to keep the bulk of the custodial time with the children. Rather than take less money than her attorney was asking for, she risked litigating it, which we knew would result in her having to pay child support. I didn’t anticipate that she would change her schedule so dramatically.

Here is how I learned of the change:

PEW,

I just wanted to confirm past dates (from my end) for June, and lock down the rest of the month. So far I’ve had them for the 4th, 5th, 6th, and 8th. For sure, given your schedule and my travel, the rest of the month looks like: 11th, 12th, 18th, 19th, 20th, 21st, 25th, 26th, 27th, and 28th. I was hoping that I could have them the day I return from [business trip], which would add the 17th. Thoughts?

Additionally, I made arrangements for them to stay overnight at [my brother’s] this Sunday night (13th). I figured it would be a whole lot easier for you to pick them up from 5-minutes away. Let me know what you think.

~LM

LM,

My new schedule is OFF every tuesday, weds, thursday, working every monday night, friday night, saturday day 7-3, and 9-11 sunday…….As far as Saturdays go, I don’t know why you put yourself down for having them every saturday night. I’ll want to keep them overnight at least every other Sat. Those are my thoughts.

~PEW

The last sentences are interesting. The reason would be, until the change – that’s how her schedule made things. I hadn’t received word of any schedule change until just that moment.

PEW,

No problem. Any nights during the week we can swap off then?

~LM

LM,

No we can’t. The nights I’m off, I want them overnight. If you want to see them you can come over or I can drop them off for a little while.

~PEW

I’ve always considered myself a pretty bright guy. Why I can’t see this for what it is at the time, I’ll never understand. I suppose I was too focused on the belief that we could end this relatively painlessly and there would be no question that we could make a 50/50 arrangement. After all, there was little reason why it shouldn’t be, right?

This would be one of several situations that would develop my sense of questioning the motivations behind every single things she does, even today. My inability then costs me parenting time with the kids, lots of lost money to legal fees, lots of time, a job, a home, pretty much everything.

Now? Everything that has anything to do with PEW must be carefully scrutinized, lest I fall into the same traps and make the same very bad mistakes as I did in the early stages.

PEW,

I will reiterate what was the truthful understanding at our conference a month ago regarding custody of the boys. I agreed that the custody arrangement would be 50/50 and that I would do anything else that was necessary to accommodate the children according to your work schedule. I just want to be absolutely sure that what you’re telling me is that you are refusing to ensure that I have the children in accordance with our custody understanding.

~LM

There would be no reply. Due to the fact that we were already getting into the summer, we had no childcare lined up and given all of the moving, shuffling, divorce filing, and lawyer-paying, there just wasn’t much money left to handle making arrangements for the kids in that regard.

So, here came giant mistake #1 (or, if you’re counting marrying PEW, #2… okay, maybe #3 if ahhhh forget it…) Because of her crazy work schedule, the custody of the boys would shift, at least for the summer, to a 50/50 and, at times, tip towards primary for her. This would be the biggest mistake of the custody litigation for me.

If I stand my ground and make other arrangements, I’d have been in a much better spot for at least 50/50.

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Timeline 2004 – Part 1

The month of May 2004 saw little to no documented communication and my notes on that period are scarce. In August of 2006, I had submitted to my attorney #2 a “timeline of events since the divorce process began” to try to get her up to speed. I also tried to coordinate this timeline to refute PEW’s oft-repeated contention that I didn’t care about the kids, just the money… an assertion that was clearly projection and could be supported specifically or through “circumstantial evidence” of her conduct (and the timing thereof). I’ll roll out the 1st six-months of 2004 as a review and look ahead at what would come of 2004 when the mess really ramped-up.

She moved into a nice apartment and took very little from the marital home with her. She bought ALL new furniture for the entire apartment, likely on credit card(s), based upon the belief that it wouldn’t be long before the windfall her attorney assured her she would be getting would come through.

Interestingly enough, she came to me on moving day (May 5th, 2004) because she didn’t have enough money to pay the movers. Doing “the right thing” – I bridged the shortfall for her on the promise I would get paid back (yeah, right).

We pretty much exchanged the children in May according to her work schedule and I guess she was more or less focused on getting settled in the apartment and chatting with her attorney who was definitely a negative-advocate whipping her into a frenzy.

From the book Splitting: Protecting Yourself when Divorcing a Borderline or Narcissist (which I’ve reviewed, just click this link) I offer the following excerpt detailing the “Negative Advocate Attorney.”

NEGATIVE ADVOCATE ATTORNEYS

As described throughout this booklet, anyone can be a Negative Advocate if they assist a Blamer in promoting their cognitive distortions and negative, often abusive behavior.

Some attorneys are habitual Negative Advocates. They try to take most of their cases to court. They represent whatever their client says as true, with little or no skepticism or investigation. Essentially, they are representing their client’s cognitive distortions or “negative thoughts.”

This is comparable to representing a drunk while they are still under the influence – and accepting what they say as true.

Negative Advocates focus their attention on the judge. They treat each issue as a win-lose contest, with the goal of winning the most at court. Time is spent primarily preparing for court, waiting at court and presenting (“arguing”) the case.

They generally do not have close client relationships. They often impress their clients, especially at the beginning of the case with their tough talk and seeming support for their clients’ allegations and excuses.

The methods of Negative Advocates are adversarial from the start. They are focused on advocating for their client’s “position,” rather than understanding and solving their client’s “problems.”

They focus on gathering negative evidence about the other party because the negative usually weighs more in the adversarial process. Subpoenas are routinely issued, depositions routinely taken, and other forms of “discovery” pursued, often with no real goal to gather information.

Intimidation tactics are common. They treat their client as “all good” and the other party as “all bad.” They often consider themselves as all good (or smart) and the other attorney as all bad (or stupid).

Negative Advocates seem to minimize contact or negotiations with the opposing attorney (or unrepresented party), as they prefer the threat of going to court.

In court, their goal appears to be to split the parties into “good spouse” and “bad spouse” in the eyes of the judge. They will raise minor issues and make them sound highly negative. They will minimize major issues and make them sound insignificant or untrue.

There is an appealing strength to their presentations and aggressive manners. They can be charming–or hostile and deceitful –to win a point. However, their tone, lack of empathy, and all-or-nothing manner may eventually be turned against their clients.

This excerpt could have been written exactly about PEW’s 1st-attorney (and quite frankly, her 2nd-attorney, too). You will see almost every single characteristic in the words/language of PEW and her attorney throughout. If you’re a regular reader, you probably already recognize the tactics in past posts. Who will win. Who will lose. Whose attorney is smarter, more experienced, whose attorney is an idiot. It’s all there, right out of the Splitting book.

The following timeline demonstrates the chain of major events and summarizes the motivation behind each. You will notice that PEW is consumed by continued negative engagement of me as she was throughout the course of our marriage. You will notice that the benefit of the children is secondary to the benefit of PEW and her desire to continue abuse and harass me as well as do things solely for her own financial benefit and my financial detriment. At this time, PEW is working every-other evening at [her workplace] as well as Saturdays and Sundays.

• January 2004 – PEW informs me that she is going to file for divorce. With her attorney encouraging her, PEW also lets me know that her attorney has informed her that she will be able to obtain “at last 60% and quite possibly 70%” of all of assets.

• Late January 2004 – we discuss the children’s future, specifically, their education. We agree that they will continue to go to [their current school].

• February 4th, 2004 – PEW registers S1 for [Something] Elementary in [where we live].

• February 2004 – I am served my divorce papers.

• February 26th, 2004 – we discuss the forthcoming appraisal and settling the house.

• April 1st, 2004 – During a phone conversation, PEW tells me that her attorney’s advice to her was to quit her job and find something that was full-time day shift so that I would have to pay daycare costs. I follow-up that phone call with an email which was saved in my sent folder and reads: After our phone conversation, I couldn’t help but wonder whose best interests either you, your attorney, or both have in mind with regard to the advice that you quit your job and find something during the day with the specific purpose of making it so that I “have to pay for half of daycare.” It’s one thing if you find a comparable job, which I’m sure you’re trying to do… and if you get it, great. But I find it unconscionable that you believe that daycare is a better place for the children… and I find it disgusting that your lawyer would recommend such a thing for the sole purpose of making sure that I had to “pay” for something that for the immediate future, wouldn’t have to (and nor would you). Neither of you have the best interest of the children in mind, that much is for sure given that this piece of advice is just over-the-top disgusting. I couldn’t let that “piece of advice” go by without telling you what I thought about it.

• May 5th, 2004 – PEW moves out to an apartment in [apartment town]. Shortly thereafter, she files a petition for child support. She also informs me that she wants to switch S1 to Catholic school. Her reasoning is because I will have to pay most of the tuition and she can just get help from her parents. She told me that she was going to do “whatever it takes” to make sure that I don’t stay in the marital residence. Sometime prior to moving out, she stole my firearms and would not disclose where they were.

• June 2nd – We have a support conference. PEW and her counsel were asking for child-support money based upon 50/50 joint custody. As PEW’s then work schedule showed and supported my notes in my calendar, I had the boys 60% of the time during the month of May. Her schedule was not slated to change and for the summer, I would have had the children for 60% of the time in June, July, and August as well. Upon discovering that given that I had the boys 60% of the overnights and she would have to pay child support, she chose to litigate the matter. Our hearing was scheduled for July 14th. PEW initiates litigation.

• June 9th – she informs me that she had her schedule changed at work that effectively had her working 2nd-shift on Friday, a double-shift on Saturday, and a double-shift on Sunday. Her motivation for working such a grueling schedule was to ensure that we had no choice absent a formal custody agreement but to manage a 50/50 schedule, which I was agreeable to. I had no choice, PEW would be gone all weekend long so she kept the boys overnight during the week and I kept the children all weekend and every other Monday night to ensure I had the boys 50% of the time. Her motivation for the change to such a grueling schedule was to ensure that she received child support money. She also sued me for full custody of the children. PEW initiates litigation. Her motivation for doing so was to be able to try to get even more money and, knowing how much I loved our children, losing them would have a devastating impact on me. I countersued for primary custody approximately one- to two-weeks later. Also, in an effort to avoid court, I enter into an agreement to pay child support according to PA Guidelines for a 50/50 custody arrangement. She informs me that she is intending to switch to full time day work when the children start school and that S2 will be put into daycare.

• June 23rd, 2004 – PEW calls me distraught over not being able to handle the children. She says she wants a settlement of $30,000 and will give me primary custody of the children.

• June 25th, 2004 – I inform PEW that I want primary custody of the children (in addition to discussing settlement possibilities. She refuses all offers (both documented and undocumented) vowing to “never let me keep that house.” She claims this despite our discussion that litigating the matter will only result in both of us ending up with less than what the settlement offers would yield (and this ultimately proves true), but she succeeded in making sure that the children and I would need to be uprooted again instead of maintaining the same schools, neighbors, friends, logistical simplicity, etc.

• June 28th, 2004 – I inform [my lawyer] that PEW has changed her mind about settling and giving me primary custody of the children.

The highlighted areas above demonstrate two main points: 1 – Who was responsible for initiating most of the litigation. 2 – Who was making their moves based upon trying to get the most money.

The June 9th entry is where I make one of my first major mistakes (that’s to say… during the divorce and custody proceedings). I actually did have a choice. I didn’t have to simply adjust the custody schedule because she changed her work schedule. However, I was a bit green when it comes to matters such as this, and I also didn’t know at that point that, in addition to changing her work schedule, the same day she filed for custody of the children. Also, my attorney failed to consider that I didn’t have to do any such thing, either, but he was operating on my (completely wrong) feeling that, other than a few details, this still wasn’t going to be a very lengthy process.

If that doesn’t set off alarm bells for anyone reading this situation, I don’t know what would. The reality is, had I agreed to pay child support at that conference based upon a 50/50 schedule rather than point out that I already had primary custody of the children based upon the month of May and the anticipated schedule until school started, I might have faired better. Hindsight is always clear, but the reality is, it was a struggle to maintain the household and pay child support at the number I was paying it and pay temporary spousal support (which was a crime, she made good money, but that’s the way our “system” works), and so on.

I was still hopeful of sharing custody and at no time did I ever consider that she would be filing for sole/primary custody of the children. I can remember getting that notification and it was like a karate kick right in the stomach. Obviously, from there it just escalated and I filed a counter-petition a week later for the same. The war had begun.

Fast-forward to Timeline Part II.

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A New Set of Wheels

Well, it would seem someone stepped up to help her out. Given her track record and the reality of her being a bad credit risk, someone is also about to be sorely disappointed about being out some money.

Arrived at the exchange yesterday and she was in a new (used) car. I don’t know if it was the “$2,000” car she described to me in her last call for help or not. I didn’t ask and she certainly wasn’t volunteering the information. While the way a car looks on the outside means nothing regarding it’s mechanical condition – I was at least partly relieved that it appeared to be in excellent physical condition. The boys told me it was purchased from “a neighbor friend of Mom-Mom’s” (PEW’s mother).

The leased vehicle is set to be turned in later this week. I would guess that PEW thinks she is simply going to drop it off and walk away. I would also guess, given the many horror stories I’ve heard about lease turn-ins from friends and family, she’ll be in for quite a surprise when they nickel & dime her to death when they “inspect” the car and tell her everything it “needs” or little things for which they won’t return the security deposit or will ultimately bill her for. Hopefully, I never get to hear the details.

Kids had a great week and appear oblivious to the alleged financial goings-on with their mom. That’s a good thing, at least until we find out what is real.

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"Lovingly Confused" Poses a Serious Connundrum

LM & DW,

I am in the same position as you. I am the DW, although not divorced, my LM has a PEW.

She is currently trying to accuse him of child abuse. I’m almost positive it is in order to get rid of me. She has followed the same conversations and behaviors of those that I found on your site. My problem is, I am getting a license to be a professional counselor. I know my LM and I for certain are not committing abuse and never would. She has not called her lawyer or filed with DHS. Do I stick around or go incognito for awhile??

Lovingly Confused

Dear Lovingly Confused,

Having had CPS called on myself by our PEW, I will tell you what I wish I had done beforehand, what I did afterwards, and what I would do in the future. I may expand this to all ways to protect yourself as the significant other of someone with a PEW, it’s probably something that would come in handy for a lot of people.

First, I would file a letter with your licensing office, local police station, and child protective service organization relaying your concerns about the possibility of her filing false abuse allegations. It’s something I wish I had done. While it won’t completely negate the chance of investigation if/when she does file something, at least you will already be on record of suspecting it and have a starting point when speaking with authorities.

Second, as difficult as it is, I would never be alone with their child(ren), period. When it comes down to what the real parent says vs. what the new woman says, you are dead in the water, so make sure someone else is always around. While it’s noble to want to be a great step-parent, unfortunately the PEW’s make this impossible. Your first thought has to be what kind of danger you are in, because it is real danger.

Third, I find it to be a very difficult position to have to decide to be a partner, or make myself disappear in order to not provoke the beast. I’m just not the type of person to surrender in the face of a bitch like that. There are times when it seems LM makes it appear as if I’m in the background when dealing with PEW, and frankly it ticks me off when that occurs. I want her to know that we are a package deal, but that’s probably a personal issue for me, so my advice probably isn’t the best on this issue. In the end I think if it hurts your relationship to have to “hide”, then it’s not worth it. She’s going to be psycho no matter what you do, so I really see no sense in hiding. I also think that hiding shows a PEW that you think you aren’t worthy of being in their presence and your significant other isn’t proud of you. It’s all about them, so this is an issue I find difficult.

Lastly, in overall protection, if I could do it over – I would never allow her to know anything about me. She would not know my last name, my children would never have seen her, etc. Most importantly I would continue to keep all of our assets separate, no shared bank accounts, even if married, separate property, everything, because she will try to come after you. Keep any business information out of her hands, she should have no idea where you work, what you do, who you hang out with, your history, anything, she will use it for evil, no matter what it is.

Those are my thoughts – we wish you the best of luck!

~DW

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A New Call for Help from the Psycho Ex-Wife

It would appear that the nasty snowball is beginning to pick up speed as it rolls down the hill. Let’s hope, for us and the children, we suffer only a glancing blow…

This morning, I am rousted from la-la land by the tell-tale buzzing coming from the cellphone which I have again – failed to turn off before going to bed.

When I finally manage to drag my ass downstairs, there is one voice mail and one text message. It’s PEW. The voice mail lets me know that she has a “huge favor to ask” of me and could I “PLEASE call back.” The text message: “Can we talk?”

Today, I decide I will call during lunch time. It’s probably something to do with the home foreclosure notice. I chat it over with DW and agree that if it’s not an urgent matter pertaining to the children (in keeping with low-contact methodology) – the call is over. Of course, I am calling which is outside my rule of “written communication only” – which only means I’ll have a much quicker trigger-finger on the hang-up. Still, I have to know.

She calls me at lunch from work. She almost immediately launches into tears and is sobbing on the phone. She has called to ask me for a loan, which, in and of itself is morbidly comical given her shot credit (nevermind that she’s asking me).

It seems that her auto lease is up in one week. So, in keeping with her mindless financial ignorance and irresponsibility, she expected to walk right in, turn this car in and get another one! No muss, no fuss! Well, that’s not quite how things turned out. She walked into the dealership so full of her usual false confidence and they told her, NO WAY! This is telling because, it wasn’t “your credit is not the best, the terms are going to be different” or “you’ve never missed a payment with us, so all is good, we’ll just need a bigger security deposit” or anything like that. It was a flat-out “NO – we’re not giving you a car. Sorry. We’ll see you next week when it’s time to turn yours in!”

She asked me to loan her $1,000 to purchase a car which she would “pay me back very quickly.” Are you kidding me? She “knows someone” who has a car that she can get for $2,000 and she might be able to only come up with $1,000. This means she will make another knee-jerk decision on a car that is probably a complete piece-of-shit, if not a danger to the children… that is, assuming she can get one at all. This is just great. Now the kids are “looking forward” to having no home and no car. Worse than that, if she can’t get a loan, keep a home, and has been turned down for a car, how in the hell is she going to be able to secure a safe, appropriate-for-the-kids apartment?!?!

I remember all too well the days approaching the sale of the marital home… the steep child support figure… and running a budget only to find out what I could (couldn’t, actually) afford in terms of a place to live. I was unhappy with every single option available to me – mostly because they weren’t in very good neighborhoods and the school systems weren’t up to my satisfaction. And what I could get for about $1,000/month during the real estate boom was minimalist at best.

She sobbed telling me that she can’t borrow any more money from her family as she’s already borrowed something in excess of $20,000. Her siblings aren’t an option. I explained to her very succinctly that I am not an option and wouldn’t, even if I could… I’ve already paid her $40,000+ over the last 4-years for which she has nothing to show. She got $65,000 from the forced sale of the marital home. She took out a 2nd-mortgage to the tune of $51,000. She told me years ago her credit cards were at or near max to the tune of $32,000 conservatively. She earned through her work $140,000 conservatively in the last 4-years. I paid short-term spousal support early on in this debacle to the tune of approximately $2,500. She cashed out her 401K a while back which was conservatively $20,000.

She has spent of her own and other people’s money roughly $370,000 over the course of 4-years and has absolutely nothing to show for it, except her house which is going to be taken away from her. I mean, she only put $10,000 down on the house and nothing down on her car lease, where did all that money go?!?!?!

Adding to the head-spinning is the fact that in the last few weeks she has:

– Gone on vacation for 10-days with the boys.
– Gone out to the movies and to lunch with her sister.
– Took the children to a live WWE Wrestling Event, with 8th-row seats, 2-nights ago.

Small potatoes in the grand scheme, but her unmitigated gall never fails to amaze… and know that this is not because we’re the picture of financial perfection – but we’re plodding along with our focus on continuing to right our own ship in the aftermath of all this messiness. That means – no “real” vacation in the last 3-years among many other sacrifices to keep from being exactly where PEW is right now.

The conversation ended with her saying, “Well, at least it was worth a try. Thanks for listening.” I hung up without reply. I’m worrying more and more each day wondering how this is going to impact the kids… knowing I have to wait for a complete collapse before being in a position to do anything about any of this… and there will still be no guarantee that things will turn in my favor or the children’s favor in the aftermath of that collapse.

What a mess.

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Parallel Parenting – How It Evolves & Implementation

Research on families of divorce suggest that there are primarily three styles of parenting for families after a divorce: cooperative, conflicted, or disengaged. Cooperative parenting (co-parenting) is the style used by families in which conflict is low and parents effectively communicate about their child. It is generally regarded as the most healthy outcome for the children and the parents. There is generally agreement on most parenting values, consistency in parenting styles, and debates/conflicts about the child(ren)’s lives are few.

In the aftermath of a divorce involving children, the parenting plan tends to move in the direction of co-parenting by default. The courts and all those who are a part of the divorce & custody machine love to see co-parenting and use that language often.

Unfortunately, the reason that families are in court in the first place is not because of their focus on cooperation and their ability to do so. Many a disagreement, even in intact households, have been about parenting styles. On parent doesn’t like the way the other handles a certain situation or situations. Personally, I’d like to see the language “parallel parenting” hit the mainstream due to this reality. Why do these conflicts continue during parenting in the aftermath of divorce?

1. Continuation of hostility that began during the marriage
2. Differing perceptions of pre-separation child-rearing roles
3. Differing perceptions of post-separation child-rearing roles
4. Differing perceptions of how to parent
5. Concern about the adequacy of the other parent’s parenting ability
6. An unwillingness of one or both parents to accept the end of the relationship
7. Jealousy about a new partner in the other parent’s life
8. Contested child custody issues
9. Personality issues/factors in one or both parents that stimulate/escalate conflict

Whatever the reasons, the parents’ inability to separate their parental roles from prior conflict in the marriage is usually the most significant contributing factor post-divorce. This conflict is perhaps the most important variable in determining how your child adjusts to your divorce. Even if one parent does whatever it takes to reduce the amount of conflict in the aftermath of divorce – the benefits to the child are significant.

The first step towards minimizing the conflict post-divorce is learning to disengage from the other parent. Disengagement is one of the possible styles of parenting after divorce. If you disengage, you create a no-conflict zone around the children and have limited contact with the other parent. With disengagement, you avoid contact with the other parent so that conflict cannot develop. Disengagement is a necessary first-step to reduce the conflict before you can move on to the next style of parenting… parallel parenting.

There are significant differences between co-parenting and parallel parenting. Simply put: Cooperative Parenting vs. Independent Parenting. It’s really that simple and that difficult all at the same time. The name is derived from a similar concept in children’s play. Research psychologists have observed that young children who play together, but do not have the skills to interact cooperatively, engage in a process of parallel play. If they are in a sandbox together or taking turns going down a slide, they play next to one another, not with one another. Each child is doing her own thing with the toys, and generally ignoring the other. When they get older, they will learn to interact cooperatively and play together.

Co-Parenting VERSUS Parallel Parenting

1. Child Focused /// Adult Focused.
2. Parents communicate regularly /// Parents communicate only during emergencies or matters of an urgent nature relating to the children.
3. Parents can communicate in person/via phone /// Parents communicate in writing (email, text, etc) or via a third-party (NOT the children).
4. Major decisions are jointly discussed /// Major decisions are communicated rather than discussed (unless prohibited by a court order).
5. Parents work together as needed to resolve issues related to the child /// Households resolve day-to-day issues independently of one another. Each parent makes decisions about the child when s/he is in their household.
6. Parents work together with the best interests of the child in mind /// Parents work separately with the best interests of the child in mind (as they perceive them).
7. Smooth transitions from one home to the other /// Transitions may involve substantial change for the child(ren) and exchanges may be done at a neutral location.
8. Schedule is flexible and changes are negotiable /// Schedule is inflexible, few/no changes are made, a court-order typically dictates the exact schedule and deviations are rare. Parents need third-party direction.
9. Parents can discuss issues between child(ren) and the other parent, cooperative discipline, extracurriculars scheduling, etc. /// Parents individually responsible for own relationship with the child and direct any issues between child and other parent back to them. Nothing is planned or discussed that would impact on the other’s parenting time.

Under such an agreement, the parents establish two separate and distinct households. Each parent is responsible for providing for the children their own sets of clothes, copies of important documentation (birth certificates, doctor & dental reports, immunization records, social security cards, insurance cards, etc.), shoes, hats, coats, school supplies… you get the picture! Contact should in written form and limited to short, factual information. (See my low-contact article for tips). Whenever possible, the transition should be made as third-party. A time frame in established, for example, father will drop child(ren) off at school in the morning and mother will retrieve the child from school at the end of the day. In this type of arrangement, there is a time buffer and that allows for a safe, healthy, no-conflict transition.

Where very young children are involved, it is important to share all aspects of your child’s functions with the daycare provider when you do the drop-off. Using the same philosophy, it is of paramount importance for parents to share detailed information with each other upon the exchange of the child. A useful tool is a “parent communication notebook.” In this notebook you will write down the highlights of your child’s emotions, behaviors, important health information, important school information, etc. during the time the child(ren) are with you. Complete the notebook in detail and pass it along to the other parent at the time of transition. I strongly recommend that you create the pages electronically. It is not uncommon for these communications to remain “one-way” and you don’t want your hard work to vanish into thin air without a back-up. Don’t let the other parent’s lack of cooperation with the notebook stop you from continuing to perform this vitally important function. This notebook should stay with your child so each parent can use it as a forum for preserving thoughts about your child and their needs. Always remember the focus is on the children. You should include no opinions about the other parent and conversely, ignore any “editorial” comments that are made by the other parent.

It is my experience and the experiences of many folks whose stories I have read that a person suffering from or suspected of having borderline personality disorder will challenge any boundary established by their target(s). The efforts you undertake in moving towards a parallel parenting plan and establishing boundaries and low-contact methods – eliminates much of the frustration that exists as you struggle to parent/step-parent with a high-conflict ex-spouse (BPD or otherwise). A firm, documented set of rules provides the structure by which you can minimize the conflict in the aftermath of a divorce with a difficult personality. It will not eliminate the issues, but will dramatically reduce them when you become disciplined enough to maintain them. Remember, you cannot control the other person – only how you react to them. It takes practice and you WILL be challenged.

Ten Tips for Successful Parallel Parenting

1. Maintain an attitude for non-interference with your child’s other parent. Neither parent has influence or say over the actions of the other parent.
2. Carry on a business-like attitude; use common courtesy.
3. Do not plan activities for the children during the other parent’s time. It may be better for a child to miss an event than to witness conflict.
4. Stay focused on the present.
5. Stay oriented to the task at hand.
6. Keep your children’s best interests in mind.
7. Remember the goal is to keep conflict to a minimum.
8. Follow up in writing all agreements and discussions regarding the children, and do so succinctly!
9. When communication and/or negotiation is necessary, use a neutral third party to assist you.
10. Keep an open mind.

Even under the best of circumstances (whatever that means), parenting is challenging. Adding on factors related to divorce makes parenting even more challenging. Although it is useful for parenting plans in divorce agreements to be comprehensive and specific, it is virtually impossible for every detail to be addressed in a document. But that’s actually a good thing. Why? Because children benefit as their divorced parents develop the ability to manage the details of parenting without conflict.

Do you really want to go to court and have a judge make decisions about your child? You know and love your child. So does your child’s other parent. If the two of you have nothing else in common, you will always have your child in common. You may need help to develop practical, efficient techniques to communicate and make decisions, manage scheduling, set boundaries and clarify expectations.

Resources for information about parenting styles and sources for some of the content of this article include:

Parellel Parenting – A Form of Joint Custody

What is this about Parallel Parenting?

Cooperative or Parallel Parenting

Is Parallel Parenting Back?

Coparenting Summary

Parenting Coordination – Implementation Issues

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The "Secret" Motorcycle Story – EXPOSED!!!

I’ve threatened to tell this story and will do so now. Other than DW, I don’t believe I shared the circumstances that allowed me to buy a motorcycle. When PEW filed for divorce, I decided that I was going to do something “just for myself” and not allow PEW’s rants and raves to prevent me from doing so. Still, a motorcycle wasn’t possible financially, especially with a divorce looming.

As PEW is want to do – the root cause of any negative situation that she has encountered is the last most recent event via which she can blame it on me, whether it makes sense or not. She blames my purchase of a motorcycle, selfish as that allegedly was, as the final straw for divorce. Nevermind that I didn’t purchase a motorcycle (nor did I have any plans to) until April of 2004 and only because I was lucky that my father provided me an opportunity to obtain it. In fact, he essentially purchased the motorcycle for me.

The early timeline is as follows:

– She filed for divorce in January of 2004.
– She takes until May 2004 to search for and obtain an apartment.
– Motorcycle purchase occurred in mid-April of 2004.

The story goes something like this…

I had really given up the hopes that I would get a motorcycle anytime soon. Though EE, PEW’s dad, had a friend who had a nice one in storage that was a steal at the price – $3,000 – I simply didn’t have it and couldn’t justify such a purchase at that time (divorce or not). I had forgotten about it until my father told me during a phone conversation in March of 2004 – he was selling his boat. A nice boat. A boat he hardly used.

Knowing lots of people who were into boating and a couple of people who were looking for a boat – including psycho-FIL – I came up with an ingenious idea. Being an avid eBay seller and having several friends who were members of “Yacht Clubs” – I would offer to help my dad, for a price.

I asked him how much he needed to get for it. The number was $19,000. I floated the proposal: “Dad, since I’d really like to get that motorcycle, I was wondering if you would consider this idea. If I can get more than the $19,000 that you need to get for the boat, can I have the difference up to the total price of the motorcycle?” He laughed and said, “Sure.”

So I went about my business of marketing the boat. Produced color flyers with plenty of photos and a price of $25,000. My research indicated that this boat was a steal at even that price and gave me plenty of buffer in negotiations to still possibly get the entire bike paid for. My friends took the flyers to their boat clubs. Then I heard that my psycho-FIL was looking to upgrade from his old dinghy.

Another opportunity.

[Break in the story]

At this point, I’m sure you’re questioning how the hell any of this was even possible given that it was already common knowledge that PEW and I were divorcing. I don’t know. I do recall keeping direct discussion to a minimum, preferring instead to allow him to deal directly with my father except for a single negotiation session. After all, my dad was a “least-hassle” kinda guy and I couldn’t afford to have him just bail and get his $19,000. Also, the boat was more important to FIL than absolute allegiance to his daughter (at that time).

[Back to the story]

So, after several visits and EE trying to use his soon-to-be non-existent leverage as “family” to cry poor-mouth, he acknowledged that the $25,000 price was more than fair as explained to him by his boating cronies who went to see the boat with him. Still, a bit steep for his pocketbook.

I told my father that I was going to do this once… negotiate… and tell FIL that he was only willing to move a little bit, and split the difference between his purchase price limit and the asking price. $22,500. Then I left it in fate’s hands… and my father’s hands.

Then came the news. After several weeks of back-and-forth, visits, test-drives, a deal was struck and the agreed-upon price was:

$22,500. Beautiful.

Dad sells the boat to FIL for $22,500.

Dad agreed to give me anything over-and-above, up to the price of the motorcycle, his must-have price of $19,000.

The difference: $3,500.

The price of the motorcycle: $3,000.

My father bought the motorcycle for me (He essentially gave me the cash with the stipulation that it go for the motorcycle and for nothing else. It wasn’t for the divorce. It wasn’t for anything other than his feeling that I should do something for myself for once and everything and everyone else be damned… things weren’t going to get better for me.)

The irony of this story is obvious. My father didn’t buy me the motorcycle that seemingly became the lightning rod of the marriage (at least in her delusions). HER father bought me the motorcycle. He bought my father’s boat for himself and he bought me my motorcycle.

Up until this day, I’ve shared the secret only with DW. I do take some small measure of glee in that fact and thank them for helping me out with that purchase… both my own father and PEW’s father.

I didn’t get to drive it too much those first few months. Given the circumstances, I thought it best to store it at a friend’s house as I didn’t want to come home from work one day to find it destroyed. I didn’t bring it to the house until after she had moved out. Anyway, I still have it today, and given the price of gas, I’m thrilled that I do!

If not for the reality that the motorcycle was (essentially) a gift from my dad which I worked hard to make a reality, I probably still wouldn’t have one. Also, I have absolutely no guilt whatsoever. I came up with the idea and did the work to make sure it happened.

The motorcycle would become a bone of contention in court, however, a simple affidavit from my father scuttled their claim that I “hid” marital assets (cash) and used it to buy the motorcycle. He confirmed it was a gift from him without the reality of how that gift came to be, which is why the story is still a “secret.” (In reality – I don’t know why I’ve still kept it a secret.)

Anything for the extra buck with her.

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The Minor Annoyances

We were away visiting relatives this weekend. PEW asks to get the kids a few hours early, which in and of itself is no big deal, it’s just an excuse for me to break out this morning a little earlier. Otherwise, we would have stayed until after another fabulous lunch prepared by Grandmom.

After we get on the road in an effort to get back in time for a 1:00 PM exchange… I get a text informing me that she “can’t” meet until 3:00 PM because she’s going out to the movies and then out to lunch with her sister.

It’s annoying because it conveniently occurs after we’re on the road. It’s annoying because, while I’m sure life has to go on in the midst of home foreclosure proceedings – I suppose she’s strapped on her classic financial blinders and will just ignore it and carry on as always.

Of course, maybe she is saving a few bucks by hitting the matinee. 😉

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Noncustodial Moms "Do It," Too!

PEOPLE!!! They deal with these types of issues, too! WhatEVER were you thinking?

Good afternoon,

Wow. I’m nowhere near being in your shoes, but I can strongly identify with many of the situations you describe. My PEH is less destructive, but equally selfish, clueless and wrapped up in his bubble of mememememememe. He’s certainly not BPD, but narcissistic? Oh yes. Passive aggressive? Yes. And his on/off ex-for-now girlfriend? She’s just psycho.

I’ve been devouring the blog with the kind of fascination that happens when watching a spectacular train wreck. I kinda want to look away. I’m happy it’s not me. There’s nothing I can do about it. … but wow, it’s impressive. And it so could almost be me.

DW must be a very strong person. My own DH has some difficulty with PEH…

I started implementing my own version of low-contact. Obviously, it can’t be no-contact because we have kids. And he’s not usually abusive or nasty or hostile enough for that to be a problem — although we did go through a spell — but the low contact is definitely achieving what I want. He’ll call me at work with some kind of inane request or comment about the kids. Silly stuff, that really? Didn’t need to call me for that… and then turn it into a moaning self-pitying rant about life, his friends, or mostly, his psycho GF/not-GF.

I used to — yes, I admit it — actually try to lend a caring ear and talk him out of his loathing or self-pity, figuring helping him be happy would benefit the kids — and I’m just that kind of person. I’d give him a pep-talk at least once a week, and other days, just listen to him vent. But it was like being a kleenex. Wouldn’t ask me how I was — and if he did, it was with the “oh, yes, I must not forget to be polite” tone of voice, and he wouldn’t listen to the answer anyway, and generally cut me off. When things were good with the GF, I was worthless and evil, and we ought to be more independent of each other. When things were bad with the GF, I was a convenient shoulder to cry on. So I started training him. Very slowly, he’s learning. Complaining and carrying on about himself and his problems is met with the kind of stony silence he can hear. No “mmhm.” Nothing. Then he feels awkward and switches back to the topic at hand, or trying to find a topic. Yes, all he wants is attention.

We recently went through a real upheaval, and this is really where I realized how firm I needed to be about the ways I let him speak to me. I decided to move — one hour out of the downtown core. Yes, that makes me the big evil woman. I’m not. Quite frankly, I have the right to have a life, and it isn’t going to be by continuing to live in the shit-poor area of town within 5 blocks of his cat-piss smelling apartment building that I will build one. And since I can provide something better than inner-city welfare area housing, I will. But oh he wasn’t pleased. It was an insult. The kids don’t need better than that. It was horrendously selfish of me to not make my life plans around his wants and needs. Suddenly, the kids were his life, and he wasn’t going to accept any change at all to our custody agreement (informal and adjusted over the years as needed.) Whereas before? He was bugging me frequently to take the kids on his days so he could go out or spend more time with GF. His main complaint was that he resented me “doing this to him.” Hell, I wasn’t DOING anything to him, I was doing something FANTASTIC for the kids, namely providing them with a house in a safe, healthy, fantastic neighbourhood, and offering the option of a school they could walk to without the need for after school day care. He had options, I was open to negotiation. His position was “you’re not allowed to move. I won’t let you.” No words about what would be better or worse for the kids. Nope. Only about how it would affect his schedule. His attempt at “negotiation” started and ended with his suggestion that rather than DH and I buying the house we’d put an offer on, we should buy a duplex downtown with PEH, so that we could live in the same building (and, *shhh* he could mooch off our income and profit from owning a house that he would never be able to afford on his own.)

Well, we made it through that. We’re working with the new custody arrangement, which sees me getting the kids every weekend except one a month during the school year, and 50/50 in the summer. And it’s ok, but I think his parenting is poor, and letting him have them more than 50% of the time concerns me. Oh he’s not mean or nasty or violent. He’s subtle and baby-talks them, and puts all kind of health fears into their little heads. He actually wanted to include in the agreement that if the kids “expressed a need to attend an activity” we were both obliged to take them because “the kids’ needs come before our own” — this in reference to him scheduling weekend activities that I would then have to take them to, regardless of our (DH and I) plans. I clarified that activities like gymnastics are not NEEDS, but that is how he parents. If the kids want something it is a need and he bends over backwards to provide it thinking this will earn their love and devotion. Damn straight, but only for as long as the catering to their every whim lasts. And I become the nasty mean parent because I don’t let them get away with it. But every time they go back to his place they re-learn that whining gets them stuff, and I end up un-training them all over again. It’s crazy-making. He doesn’t see how this is harmful.

For the time being, he’s off again with his psycho GF. And you know what? She wants to maintain contact with the kids by writing letters to them. Previously, the last time the split, they had a “visitation” day. She would come over on Tuesdays to spend time with them, as if she had any right to maintain a relationship with them. Now, she wants to continue contact by letter. I told him sternly what I thought, but he actually was considering it because maybe it would be good for the kids; they like her.

So all this ranting to say I’m reading the blog everyday. Your experience is bolstering and fortifying my own position and opinions… thank you for sharing and exposing so clearly the nitty gritty details of what it’s like to deal with a nutty ex…

Good luck!

“MommaFish”

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Itemizing Home Contents for Pending Move

Now don’t be confused! After the events of this week falling under the label “2008” – I’m heading back in time again to the 2004 events. This was PEW’s itemized list of things that she wanted from the marital household. Most of this is mundane, but other parts are worthy of some fun commentary.

March 22, 2004

Here is the list of the items inside the house that I would like to have:

kitchen

Kitchen table and chairs
New pots and pans (my mom gave me for Christmas)
Roasting pan (also a gift from my mom)
Mixer
Toaster oven
George Foreman grill
½ of the glasses, coffee cups, flatware, etc….
refrigerator (possibly)

Keeping in mind that she’s moving into an apartment, I had to laugh at things like “the refrigerator.” Her list of major fixtures wouldn’t end there. Also notice the “gifts from” family list. Not unreasonable at all, but interesting considering the other items she suggests she “left” for me.

dining room

a few of the crystal serving trays
table linens
my mother’s china
my collectables


No problem. Pay particular attention to “my collectibles.”

living room

the palm tree
lamps
desk and chair

That’s flat out cold! No place left to sit… no plastic flora and fauna… and completely in the dark!

master bedroom

the bedroom set including the mattress
my dolls
mother and baby statue
little tv and vcr


DW would tell you today that she would have been happier if I had let that go! It was one of those bridge & tower bedroom sets with the large mirrored headboard (lighted) by Thomasville. (It’s currently used for storage in our garage. She hates it.) It was roughly a $5,000 bedroom set that I got at an auction for $35! Yes, I really did. I suppose no one else at the auction was prepared to move that monstrosity.

More of her “my” stuff (collectible dolls). Not a big deal… yet. In addition to the bedroom television and VCR, she would ask for the family room television and stereo, effectively leaving me with no home entertainment whatsoever. No sense of entitlement there… and quite the sense of fairness, but of course, I OWED HER – given the alleged hell I put her through.

kids room

toddler bed
dresser
fish tank
futon

Leaving a single bed and nothing else for the kids. Nice. At the time, they would be with me more than 50% of the time.

spare room

quilt rack


Whatever!

family room

ladder back chair
lamps
stereo system or TV (one or the other)


The stereo system was mine before we got together. The television I had paid for with the proceeds from a contest I won. And of course, she’s taking all of the lighting again!

laundry room

the washer or the dryer

What?!?! One or the other? Why not both or neither. I never did understand that considering that few apartments (in her price range on her earnings) would having anything less than laundry facilities on-site or a set in the unit itself.

garage

a lawn mower (possibly, depending on need)
my bike
½ of the camping stuff
a trash can


Again – bizarre. The camping stuff? She never went camping nor had a desire to do so. Aside from that, all of the camping gear was given to me by my father!

backyard

brown sand box
grill
patio chairs

Where was she going to put a sandbox, patio chairs, and the monstrosity that was our grill at the time?

Miscellaneous

½ of the kids toys including any toys in the garage and attic
½ of the Christmas decorations and other misc holiday decorations
½ of the remaining antique light bulbs or dollar value
½ of the fan collection or dollar value
½ of the Hess trucks or dollar value
½ of the board games
9mm handgun
½ of any other collections that are in the house
digital camera
old camcorder
½ the DVD’s and movies
the computer my parents gave me for the kids

While having plenty of things on her list of “wants” that were either gifts to me from my family or owned before she was ever a part of my life, you’ll notice how she specifies what are her collectibles or given to her by her family.

Things that were “my” collectibles that she would want half of or half the “dollar value” included the items I’ve already cited and… the Hess trucks… the collectible antique bulbs and fans… the antique board games… any of the guns (which I owned prior to our getting together)… Christmas decorations (in part)… but that’s not the end of the fun and monotony. She’ll list the things she’s left for me…

This leaves you with the following:

Kitchen

Copper stuff hanging on the walls
Dishwasher
New microwave
Dishes
½ the flatware, glasses, coffee cups
coffee maker


The dishwasher and microwave were mounted fixtures which couldn’t be removed anyway. She is “leaving” those things for me. Thank goodness she was leaving me the $20 coffee maker. I’m surprised she didn’t ask me for a 10-spot “half value.”

The “copper stuff hanging on the walls” were used as decorative items. They were only old, rusty, tarnished baking molds.

Who the hell still says “flatware” anyway?

dining room

dining room set
your mom’s china
your grandmom’s stuff
½ the serving trays

Lucky me… she is “leaving me” the dining room set which I had owned well before we got together, my mom’s china, my dead grandmother’s knick-knacks, and half of the plastic bullshit serving trays.

What the hell do I need with serving trays anyway?

living room

sectional
table


FINALLY! Someplace to sit!

spare room

bedroom set

The bedroom “set.” Which consisted of a queen sized bed, mattress, box-spring… and nothing else. That’s not a “set” – it’s a frigging bed.

kids room

lamp
S1’s bed
Little table

Cool. Maybe the boys can sleep on top of one another when they’re here.

Master bedroom

Filing cabinet (less my stuff that is in it)

How can you not laugh at this? A cheap-ass sheet-metal filing cabinet (2-drawer) that I think I bought at Bradlee’s when I was 16 years old. That’s it!

Office

Computer
Printer
Snack tables
Lamps
Paper shredder
Desk
Sofa and chairs
TV, DVD combo

Computer – mine since before marriage, printer – a toss-away from work, snack tables (who cares), a small $10 desk lamp, a country style wooden love seat and chair I got at a garage sale… and I made a mistake earlier – she would leave me the 9″ television. (No, she wouldn’t – she took that, too.)

Family room

Sofa and love seat
Tables
Bar
Tv or stereo system
DVD player and VCR

The sofa and love seat had holes in it from the dog and the antique dry-bar I was storing for my mother. Gee, thanks!

Garage:

Your bike
A lawn mower
Tools
Trash can
Other stuff

A trash can, my bicycle, and my tools. You can’t get any more fair-minded than that.

Misc
½ of the kids toys including any toys in the garage and attic
½ of the Christmas decorations and other misc holiday decorations
½ of the remaining antique light bulbs
½ of the fan collection
½ of the Hess trucks
½ of the board games
your other 2 guns
½ of any other collections that are in the house
your cameras
new camcorder
½ the DVD’s and movies
humidor and cigar collection

Notice, I don’t get to keep half of her collectibles, but I get to keep half of mine. She likes to puff up her list of things she’s leaving me but listing “other stuff” and “any other collections that are in the house” – as if there were anything else. It just gave her the appearance of equal line-items. I was pissed that there were such other valuables like: “things, more stuff, junk, whatever is left in the trash cans, food, water.”

Humidor and cigar collection? With few exceptions, they were gifts given to me. That would be like me putting on her list…

– Your cigarettes.
– Half of your shoes and “collectible” clothing.
– Some toilet paper.
– Your eyeglasses and contacts.
– Your tampon collection.

I failed to notice the glaring omissions from the list where she would leave me with all of her rages, conflict, chaos, terror, horrible emails and phone calls…

Making this entire exercise more odd was that at this point in time, she didn’t even know where she was going to be living, yet, she was preparing a rather significant list of stuff that she was going to be taking to what one would reasonably anticipate to be a 2-bedroom apartment. Maybe she would just give it away or sell it, I don’t know. The bottom line is this – when she would move out in May of 2004, she would take almost nothing. Why? She would buy almost everything completely new for the apartment and do so on credit and, I’ve surmised, the promise of a windfall by her then-attorney. New bedroom SETS for her and the children. New dining room set. New living room set. New television. New kitchen set. All of those things she has claimed never to have been able to obtain (despite the list you see above). Ironically enough… on the heels of the news that her current home is going to be foreclosed on, this is the beginning of the reality that she will never see – it’s nobody’s fault but hers.

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