Childhood Obesity Crisis – The Beginning

In the posts Childhood Obesity Crisis Looms Part I and Childhood Obesity Crisis Looms Part II, I provided details about the history and concerns regarding our diametrically opposed approaches to the children’s diets, especially the types and frequency of snacking. It obviously became much worse after our split because, there was no ability to mitigate what went on when the children were with her.

The following demonstrates a clear example of how things were going to be. It reached a point where literally every single day that the children were to be with me, they would be delivered mid-afternoon with some sort of a snack just being finished up. What precipitated this email was a 4th consecutive day of them being dropped off with rather large ice-cream cones.

PEW,

I’m not asking you this to be a pain-in-the-ass. This is important and I hope that you will have no problem with it.

Today would mark the 4th consecutive time you’ve dropped the kids off immediately following a trip to get ice cream. I am asking you to please stop that practice.

#1 – It makes it incredibly difficult for me at dinnertime when they’ve had ice-cream at 2:30PM. I don’t need that kind of problem when I’m trying so hard to get them to eat more of the right things and snack a little less.

#2 – It makes it more difficult for me to use an after-dinner snack as a reward for good behavior when they’ve had a snack like that already, and mere hours before dinner. So, not only does it make for a bad eating habit, it also undermines my work to give them an after-dinner snack when they’ve earned it.

If you feel you must give them an ice cream snack, please give it to them at lunchtime or something and not right before you drop them off to me.

Thanks.

~LM

It was August 16th, 2004. No provocative language. A straight-up plea for her to take more seriously the nature of what the kids were eating and, more importantly, when they were eating it.

Not only did she not reply. She didn’t stop the practice. This is one of those classic examples of giving the high-conflict spouse and excuse to do more of what you would genuinely like them to not do. What sucks about this particularly situation, well – it actually did with most – was that it was to the kids’ benefit. That didn’t matter as long as it was something with which I didn’t agree. That’s the shame of it all. She just kept right on doing it and if you read the other posts linked in the opening of this one – you’ll see just how bad things have gotten with S1.

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Childhood Obesity Crisis Looms – Part II

Continuing from Part I…

At the encouragement of PEW, the psycho-SIL (PP) chooses to offer her insights into the issue:

I think everyone is in agreement that our main concern is for S1’s health & well-being. I’m sure there are a combination of reasons for why the problem developed- perhaps living with two parents that fought constantly & bitterly for the first five years of his life drove him to find solace in food when he could. I can only assure LM that everyone on our side of the family has recognized that there is a problem and have not only encouraged him to make healthier food choices but [my brothers] and Dad continually try to get both boys interested in athletics-so far to no avail.

Playing the blame game is not going to help S1. The only reason that WE have been reluctant to push for more drastic measures up until this point is because of the many changes and upheavals that both boys have been through in the last year. Now that the appointment is scheduled, it is just as well. However, I don’t think making a “conference call” to a doctor is a substitute for the day to day love and attention that PEW takes in caring for the boys, always making decisions based on their best interests.

A case could be made that there are substantial weight issues on LM’s side of the family also-such as LM’s mother, aunt, and cousin – and that LM never tries to encourage the boys to try sports as a form of exercise – in fact, past experience has led us to believe that he is against the boys being involved in any kind of organized sports at all.

Finally, as much as I can appreciate LM’s concerns in this matter, I can assure him that any efforts to further point fingers will only bring back an equally vitriolic attack from not only family members but from impartial, outside parties that have been privy to this issue in the past-former school teachers, counselors and physicians.

Let’s just move forward and take care of S1 in the manner he deserves, reflecting the love and care we all feel for him.

PP

I didn’t reply for obvious reasons. Aside from dripping with sarcasm, threats, and furthering the delusions of PEW, it’s devoid of anything meaningful. Quite the contrary actually. The other thing this family typically did was put the onus on the children to handle things that were the parents’ responsibility. PEW regularly said the same thing on this subject, among others:

“I can only assure LM that everyone on our side of the family has recognized that there is a problem and have not only encouraged him to make healthier food choices…”

S1 doesn’t do the food shopping. S1 doesn’t do the cooking (assuming you could call what PEW usually did “cooking”). At this point, S1 is only 6-years old and here they are saying that they are encouraging him to make healthier food choices. No, I am not kidding. Assuming he was even capable at 6-years old to make healthier food choices – the fact that her home was typically devoid of any healthier food choices would have made that difficult.

Considering everyone, PEW included, in that family is overweight (except for one brother) – it’s no wonder why no one can see a problem. Worse than that, citing 3 people in my family who make poor dietary decisions does nothing but support the serious concern I have for S1’s health.

They are like all clones of one another. It’s scary. I should count my blessings that I have shared custody, because it’s more custody than I’ve had since the initial split. Still, it’s simply not enough. The constant up-and-down cycle of S1’s weight introduces the potential for other health problems, too.

I can only hope that through our current exercise “program” (loosely termed) and a summer of part-timing with the swim team again, we can get it down and at least maintain it as previous short-term arrangements have shown possible.

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Childhood Obesity Crisis Looms – Part I

The children’s diets have always been a bone of contention between us. A typical day feeding the kids would be: breakfast, snack, lunch, snack, snack, snack, dinner, snack, snack, snack. Okay, that’s exaggerated slightly for effect. They would get a snack at least between every meal and it wasn’t a healthy snack. Cookies, ice cream, candy stuff, you name it. If it was crap, it was on the list.

S1 has always been big for his age, but if I desired to show you pictures, you would see that up until the point we split, he was proportionate for his height. Almost from the birth canal and continuing today, he was easily a head taller than anyone else in his age group.

When PEW and I split, his weight started to spiral out of control. I don’t have the medical records in front of me, but to give you an idea, it progressed something like this:

Early 2004, just before the split – approximately 60-pounds at 5-1/2 years old.

Early 2005, approximately 9-months after the split – he had ballooned up to 87-pounds. His dramatic weight increase, despite being discussed ad nauseum, was never addressed by the “primary caregiver.” It was at this time I took it upon myself to call the pediatrician and ask for help.

Beginning summer 2006, he was 110-pounds. We split the summer that year and when he went home, he was 108-pounds. By November, approximately 2-1/2 months later, he was 124-pounds.

Beginning summer 2007, he was 147-pounds. That summer, we had the boys full-time. At the end of the summer, due to our regular walks, exercising, and mostly due to the swim team efforts – he went home at 130-pounds – looked and, more importantly, FELT great.

By the time 50/50 rolled around in November of 2007 – it was all back.

It’s clear from the timeline that he either maintained or lost weight when he was with us for an appreciable amount of time. Then, when he went back to her, he put it on so fast it would make a normal parent’s head spin.

In any event, this was the first post-split exchange regarding my continued concern regarding S1’s weight and both boys’ eating habits. S2 has never had a weight issue because, unlike S1, S2 stops eating when he is full. Even if it’s something really good. When he’s had enough, he’s had enough.

(As you read this, keep in mind that by this time, I had relocated approximately 3-1/2 hours away… to be explained later.)

PEW,

I spoke to [Pediatrician] this morning regarding S1’s weight and health. During our conversation, he also expressed concern over S1’s weight and the need to manage it appropriately. He told me that S1’s last recorded weight was 87-pounds.

He reiterated what I already knew and that is that childhood obesity has become an alarming problem in general and that the potential complications are especially dangerous for children. I asked about standard diet/menu plans and exercise plans, etc. – and he said that [both local hospitals] have excellent programs. However, before he would be accepted into any comprehensive program evaluation, he would need to get a full fasting blood work-up done, which can be done at the office. This would be to check for diabetes issues, glandular problems, etc. S1 would have to not have any food/milk at some point after dinner, no breakfast, and be taken to the Doctor’s office in the AM.

I explained to him our logistics and your work schedule and asked about a Saturday visit. He said that a Saturday morning visit can be arranged at the office in [Othertown] and that we should arrange to see this done sooner rather than later. He told me to let you know that you can call him anytime today to discuss this matter with him as well and to make arrangements to get the ball rolling on this. Please let me know your thoughts and by all means, give [Pediatrician] a call.

~LM

There it is. My first contact after taking a meaningful step after realizing that PEW wasn’t going to do anything on her own. Much like her own family, there was always some inane explanation for weight gain. The whole “big boned” and “it’s genetic” excuses, all the while never, ever taking a look at the horrifying eating habits that her entire family has and how they are being perpetuated on our children.

I was seriously concerned about S1 developing diabetes.

LM,

I made an appt for Sat at 10am. I love when you do stuff like this…… Does it make you feel better about yourself? I want you to keep in mind that I have a brother who is 6’3″ 300 pounds. Did it ever occur to you that S1 is just going to be a big person? Let’s not make him have self esteem issues already. He needs exersize. That didn’t effect you enough though to leave his bike up here though, did it? Too bad you won’t be here when he gets stuck with the needle…….

~PEW

No acceptance of responsibility. No equal concern for S1’s health and well-being. The usual excuse-making and then guilt-tripping.

PEW,

And without fail – you turn a genuine, long-term concern of mine (one which you and your family have repeatedly failed to address) and turn it into some issue over which to fight about or insult about.

How big [your brother] is matters not to me. S1’s diet is unhealthful. It has always been unhealthful and despite years worth of begging and pleading with you, nothing has changed. Too many snacks. Too much candy. Too much sugar. Too much junk. Perhaps if you hear it from his doctor, you will do something about it, and more importantly, you will get your family on board with it as well. S1 is overweight, even for his large frame for his age. He is not simply a “big person.” For his height and age, he should be in the 55-65 pound “range.” He is pushing 90-pounds if he is not there already. 90-pounds, PEW.

I am going to try to see to it something gets done before something horrible happens to force the issue. As it stands, he may be in for a life-long struggle. At best, he has some bad habits that need to be undone. If you will not do it there, I will make sure to do it here. You just need to tell me if you are going to take some action finally. If not at [Pediatrician’s], I will find someone down here.

Now, maybe you can stop using this issue as ANOTHER tool for harassment and insults and simply concentrate on S1’s health. Try it. See if we can talk about S1’s weight and health and you not find some way to use it as a weapon.

Sincerely,
LM

Clearly aggravated, I still try to lay out the concerns and really challenger her to focus on the matter-at-hand, like an idiot, again.

LM,

I am doing something about it, I made the appointment. If I don’t then who will? I’m trying to undo all the damage you did in the first 5 years of his life.

I deal with it everyday. I worry about getting him the proper amount of exersize and making sure he has healthy choices for snacks. This is as usual, another way for you do criticize me because it’s easy for you to do that. It’s MY fault he’s overweight right? Couldn’t be your heavy-handedness over the years over the whole food issue, could it? Sitting him at a dinner table at 3 years old for several hours at a time while I was at work. Couldn’t be that causing this terrible eating disorder? It’s all my family’s fault. None of the other grandchildren have a weight problem. Not even S2….interesting that he wasn’t subjected to your bullshit as a young child.

I have just come to grips with the fact that the next 14 + years are going to be you, blaming me, for everything that is wrong or goes wrong with our kids. (just like your family always blamed [brother’s ex-wife] for anything that went wrong with [nephew]) It’s easy to criticize me right….we’re not on the same team, never were…right? You were like this when we were married, why would that change now? Rather than worrying about S1…how bout you get yourself some therapy? That would help the boys more than any blood work up.

~PEW

More of the same. Again, no focus on the children. Add to it, the projection and lies. I was not heavy-handed with the children regarding eating. Exactly ONE-TIME, I sat with S1 at the dinner table after he refused to eat his dinner. We just sat there and talked. The duration may have been 90-minutes and it was when she was home. When it became abundantly clear he was not going to eat, I excused him from the table and that was that. 1-time.

She almost never instilled exercise in herself, let alone anyone else. She rarely engaged in any physical activity involving the children aside from the occasional driving them to the park which was exactly 3-blocks away and perhaps a 15-minute walk. The one time S1 was signed up for a sporting event, she allowed him to quit because he threw a hissy fit one time (soccer), against my urging that he should stay and learn to support his team, even if he did refuse to play. The only thing she instilled in the children is junk-food and processed crap for the most part.

PEW,

Great! You made an appointment you wouldn’t have made if not for my conference call with [Pediatrician] asking for help. You certainly weren’t going to do it despite my repeatedly trying to get you to realize that S1’s weight is going to turn into a lifelong problem if things don’t change. This should have been done a long time ago, but you just continue to turn a blind eye and pretend it is because he is a “large boy.” I’ve been bringing it up for years and you’ve done nothing. It took my conference call to [Pediatrician] to get you to pick up the phone and ask him about it. However, I wasn’t going to make an appointment on your behalf without consulting you first.

As for the fabrications that fill the rest of this email, I will not even begin to set you straight on the poor eating habits and diet that you and your family have instilled in our children. This was not the purpose of my contacting [Pediatrician], but since YOU brought up the issue, I will set you straight… it is entirely your fault.

I will not get into the specifics of the truth and the reality because you really don’t care. You never have. Hopefully, now that I have called [Pediatrician] direct and without blaming you or anyone else, asked for assistance/direction, we can get things started towards doing what is right by both boys. Continue to spew your venom and re-write history all you wish, I will not address them. As usual, I will focus on the boys health and you can continue to focus on being argumentative, insulting, and a flat-out liar.

It’s a shame that I figured you couldn’t continue with focusing on the boys health as I suggested. You just had to come back with more of the same tired behavior.

~LM

Straight-up truth. I stand by my position that her and her family are the reason things are the way they are. I’m sure my distance didn’t help matters, but it doesn’t change the reality that the only person(s) who have been concerned about health and fitness regarding the children are DW and I. Even now, when with her the bulk of their time is spent watching television, playing computer games, or playing videogames. They still eat like crap when with her. Now, not every meal with me is the picture of health and perfection. However, the large majority of them are balanced, involve fruits and/or vegetables, and are decent “home-cooked” meals – not something out of a bag or a box.

OK LM,

as you can see, I’ve forwarded this to every member of my family since you brought them into this. Anybody want to respond to LM. I’m tired of it frankly. Thanks.

~PEW

So she did. There was one reply from a family member. I’ll give you 3 guesses as to who it was and the first 2 don’t count. To be continued…

FYI… Childhood Obesity is a crisis in this country. The Mayo Clinic (among many other places) has some outstanding information on this serious problem. Also, TIME magazine is coming out with a feature on childhood obesity in their forthcoming issue.

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