How Do You Teach Children Commitment, Loyalty, Responsibility?

Answer: Well, it wouldn’t be by letting them out of their Scouts commitment because “they don’t feel like doing it.”

These are the days that can be so frustrating. It’s not my custody week, but last night, the last official Pack Meeting was scheduled and it was going to be fun and interesting – as most of them are. The big feature for yesterday, a beautiful, sunny day, would be the parent/scout kickball game. The weather was perfect for it, too.

Giving PEW the kind of respect I don’t often get, I sent a text message to find out if it would be an imposition if I attended tonight. The reason I do this is because I don’t want her imposing herself on any activities that occur on my custodial period. That doesn’t stop her, but I don’t much mind. I do probably make too much of an effort to do what *I* perceive to be “the right thing.” The secondary reason? I had a sneaking suspicion that she wouldn’t take them anyway. She certainly isn’t in any shape to participate in a kickball game and is the picture of a sedentary, food & drink consuming lifestyle.

I was correct in my suspicion as confirmed by her at the last minute while I was getting ready to roll out. She is that predictable.

I was going to go to the Pack Meeting anyway. Yes, a little part of me wanted to be asked by another parent or the leader just so I could say, “Well, they’re with mom this week and decided that they just didn’t want to participate. I thought I’d come to help out and have fun with the Pack anyway.” I’m disappointed because I managed to develop some decent relationships with other parents over the course of the last 6-months insofar as activities and interactions within. This would have been a tremendous amount of fun, I’m sure. I turned around half-way there after chatting about things with DW on the phone. Among the reasons:

– It wasn’t worth it and could backfire.

– It could look creepy that you would come to play with the other children while yours weren’t in attendance.

– People would wonder why you didn’t just go get the kids and bring them and you certainly didn’t want to have to be put on the spot explaining that one, if anyone was even bold enough to ask. They would certainly wonder.

This really sucks. A couple of other things come to mind. I could offer to pick them up and take them myself! No. No, I couldn’t. I avoid doing anything that involves me going to her home for a pickup/dropoff unless absolutely necessary. I’m sure undermining her decision to allow the kids to dictate their attendance at the Pack Meeting would have been cause for a confrontation. She could simply say, “no” – which is another confrontation. Or, the kids would be resistant that I was “forcing” them to go and there would be a scene. That’s not something I want to happen on “her turf.”

She contributes almost nothing to their scouting effort. She hasn’t gotten them their new books since they’ve moved up a level. The boys regularly tell me that mom does nothing with them regarding Scouts while with her (aside from attending meetings sometimes with them). This is the case despite her signing S1 up for Scouts. She didn’t sign S2 up because he “didn’t feel like it.” I got him in 3-months after it started and caught him up on my time when I explained to him the types of activities and lessons he would be missing as a result of not feeling like it. He’s loved it.

I’ve worked very hard to instill the commitment, loyalty, teamwork, responsibility – all hallmarks of the scouting effort. Yet, when mom decides to balk and let them out of their responsibilities because the truth is – she doesn’t feel like doing it – it ruins it. It really does.

Now, when I get them on Sunday, we’ll be having a discussion about all of those things and how I’m disappointed that they simply “didn’t feel like it” doesn’t meet with my approval. I get to be the big ogre right out of the gate for the week. Too bad for me. These are important lessons and if I’m going to be the one repeatedly trying to reinforce these important lessons, it is something I’ll simply have to deal with. Perhaps a lesson in how their day-to-day lives would be impacted if I just “didn’t feel like” doing certain things is in order.

It just chaps my ass that instead of being with their Scout Pack, they’re probably home watching television, playing video games, or doing some other non-value added activity that teaches them nothing but the laziness that their mother instills in them. Another opportunity for a fun physical activity and exercise wasted.

I really wanted to go despite their absence, but I think DW made some very valid points during our discussion and the potential negative consequences were too much to risk for the sake of being an adult participant with the Pack tonight.

I wonder if the few who criticized my decision to keep S1 out of a Den activity earlier this year as “sending the wrong message” would feel as strongly about Mom’s choice to not go because they didn’t feel like it (including mom)? At least back then, the decision was made due to S1 getting in a physical confrontation at school.

I’m very disappointed.

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Her Motherly Instincts Tell Her a 4-Year Old Needs a Therapist

The “discussion” regarding PEW’s suspicion that something was wrong with S1, then 4-years old, continued. It’s still 10/24/2002.

PEW: something else……
LM: hi. Can you please just get over your anger? There is no reason to be angry.
PEW: well, I’m angry because I don’t understand why you have to make all problems….somehow my fault
LM: I haven’t. I clearly haven’t.
PEW: he doesn’t do it with you……I should handle it this way……I’m not consistent
LM: So, you either have to stop saying I did that, or just stop talking about it. If you can take what I believe I see from time to time, then don’t complain to me about it. I am not perfect. You do a wonderful job. But I fear going to some psych who is going to do the be-all end-all “drug your kid” recommendation, when I know ENOUGH about stuff to say that isn’t the case here.

I absolutely feared this. With all of the overprescribing of ritalin and other mind-altering drugs fed today’s children, the last thing I wanted to do was have the PEW going to a doctor who would give “mom” what she wanted – a zombie who didn’t give her any trouble.

PEW: I don’t want to drug him…..
LM: S1 is bright, energetic, and intelligent.
PEW: I am very much against that
LM: He is FOUR He isn’t going to be “counseled” into doing things differently. He is going to be TAUGHT how to do things differently. And that will be accomplished by US.
PEW: I know he is and I resent you implying that I’m doing something OTHER than trying to help him
LM: He took forever to poop… and you were constantly saying that “something is wrong with him.” He is just 4. It sounds like a cop-out, but it isn’t. I am not implying any such thing.
PEW: well….like I said…..there is mental illness on both of our families
LM: He is not mentally ill. HE IS FOUR
PEW: and I want to do this the RIGHT way
LM: He is not mentally ill.
PEW: ok…..well my motherly instincts tell me that he needs some help…..I didn’t say he was mentally ill

Her alleged “motherly instincts” were telling her nothing more than she needed someone else to get her child under control because it wasn’t working despite all of her alleged efforts.

LM: Okay, then stop talking to me about it. You can’t handle talking to me about it, and all I’ll end up doing is putting myself on the shitty end of the stick… again.
LM: Okay? So you do what you feel is necessary.
PEW: ok, now……if you decide to talk to your parents about this…. make sure that in their omniscient parenting they don’t say anything to me. because I will freak if your mother calls me up and says…..
LM: Save your anger for someone else.
PEW: he doesn’t need therapy, PEW…..
LM: I’ve had enough of discussing this with you. Good bye.
PEW: fuck you
LM: Thanks. Real grown-up like of you.
PEW: thank you….for nothing as usual. i’m sick of your cop outs. cop out
LM: Okay. Bye.
PEW: you never want to talk about anything
LM: I do. But you can’t handle it.
PEW: you’d rather fight in front of the kids
LM: Nope.
PEW: choke me
LM: I wouldn’t. Grow up.
PEW: that’s probably what’s wrong with him
LM: I can tell the holidays approach.
PEW: he saw his father choke his pregnant mother….. then…..I had to call the cops on you

This did not happen and, as time passed, the story grew… called the cops? Nope. Had she done that, she’d have gotten hauled off as it was I who was bleeding from the neck during the incident she references. (Of course, given that usually the man gets carted off no matter what – I could be completely off-base in that assumption.)

LM: Descending into another predictable season of doom and gloom.
PEW: another time
LM: Thanks.
PEW: no thank you
LM: Bye PEW.
PEW: it’s not about the holidays LM
LM: I love how you act like this and then resent when I tell you that you could handle situations better. Like this one. Just fly-off-the-handle, as usual.
PEW: it’s about me wanting to take him to therapy. and you arguing that
LM: Because he has a problem.
LM: Right, I know. It isn’t about us handling situations better, and teaching him better, and having even MORE patience than we already have…
PEW: we all have problems…..you I can’t help.,….HIM I CAN
LM: He’s mentally ill and needs to see a professional.
PEW: I didn’t say that. I can’t stand you……as long as I’m doing everything that you want….you’re happy….
LM: Wrong.
PEW: the minute I step out of line…..you lose it. yeah. right
LM: I’ve lost nothing here, PEW. You’re the one freaking out, cursing at me. Bringing up irrelevant stuff again. Try reading how you react. I assure you, you won’t find me treating you like that.
PEW: yeah…..you’re telling me how I should handle him….how you handle him…..always talking about how my family is bad, he doesn’t do this with your family
LM: No, I didn’t say that. And if you can’t take suggestions… then you won’t see any changes. It’s that simple.
PEW: I won’t find you treating me how…… you’re passive aggressive…..
LM: Nope. Just making suggestions.
PEW: that’s why you don’t do anything around here. and you’re always complaining. about money
LM: lol
PEW: your job. you don’t get enough sex
LM: I’m always complaining?
PEW: the house isn’t clean enough. yeah….you are. you make it seem like jokes
LM: When did I say that the house isn’t clean enough? When?
PEW: but like….when I wanted to go to Fasion Bug the other night you’re like “if you must” and you’ve made comments about “where’s dinner” the few times I didn’t make it before I went to work.

This is total projecting. A couple of facts: I did most of the cooking. Not her. I didn’t care if the house wasn’t “clean” – I just didn’t. Not that this is necessary a good thing, but she was the one complaining. Of course, I imagine it would be tough with a pair of children hanging out of your ass “24/7.” I did almost all of the wash. The list goes on…

LM: The Fashion Bug thing was because you were going to be away longer.
PEW: I’m tired of fucking killing myself around here….with these kids. this stupid house
LM: Okay, great. You complain about money.
PEW: I’m gonna run away….i’ll leave you with the freaking kids

There it is again. She’s going to leave and just abandon the children because she just can’t take it.

LM: You complain about the house. You complain about the kids.
PEW: have fun
LM: You complain about your job. I complain about my job because we’re losing money. That’s not that unusual.
PEW: you would too if you had my life
LM: I don’t complain about the house. I don’t complain about the kids.
PEW: what enjoyment do I get….
LM: I don’t complain about not getting enough sex, though I do badger you to death when it has been a while.
PEW: I can’t enjoy my job because I have to worry about my kids home with you laying on the couch all the time
LM: lol. Yeah, that’s what I do. lol
PEW: yeah I know. lay around. that’ that’s what you do best
LM: Call me when you snap back to reality, please.
PEW: no. don’t be late. i want to get to work on time
LM: Boy, I’d be thrilled if I could NAP as often as you do.
PEW: for a change. I don’t fucking nap
LM: Yes, you do.
PEW: once a week maybe
LM: Sure.
PEW: what the fuck are you talking about
LM: And I’m not allowed to be tired. It isn’t like I ever get up 1, 2, and 3 times a night to tend to S1’s peeing and drink needs, either, right? And I go to bed at 9PM every night like you, right?
PEW: oh….so you don’t think there’s a problem with him. get a fucking life
LM: No, kids get thirsty and they pee. It’s called “normal.”
PEW: well….why don’t you teach him to do it without waking you up….since you’re so great
LM: I’ll try.
PEW: that should be no problem for you
LM: I’ll eventually give it a shot.
PEW: well in the meantime…shut up. i deal with him all day….you can deal with him at night
LM: No kidding. But do I badger you for being tired all the time? No. God forbid I yawn one too many times, you get pissed.
PEW: i can’t stand you
LM: Enough, PEW.
PEW: i’m tired all the time….because I get no help from you
LM: Yeah, that’s it.
PEW: both kids leach onto me from the time I wake up in the morning. it’s tiring
LM: Yeah, that happens because I go to work in the morning.
PEW: you wouldn’t know
LM: Sorry about that. Sorry I have to go to work.
PEW: me too. I’m sorry too because I could probably make as much as you at this point….. I might as well go to work
LM: I know, that’s my fault, too. Sorry.
PEW: yeah it is…..you have NO ambition. at all. none
LM: Yeah, that’s it.

You can just tell that the holidays are closing in…

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Mom Thinks Her 4-Year Old is Mentally Ill

PEW simply doesn’t have the ability to look within herself to find solutions to problems. Everything is always someone else’s fault. She lives in a permanent state of victimhood. Her parenting style and her discipline methods (or lack thereof) could not possibly be wrong. It’s the child. The 4-year old (S1, at the time) must be mentally ill because she is perfect. It’s the only explanation.

How sick.

From October 2002, comes another gem of her desire to flee. It’s another clear documented example of her being “sick and tired” of the children… of her not being able to handle the children.

Even in the face of countless documented, provable instances such as this, early on in the whole ugly divorce and custodial process – custody was still given to her primarily. These will forever be a part of my memories of their childhood with her. It still goes on as I’ll demonstrate when I get around to posting about this past Sunday’s exchange debacle.

PEW: i’m taking S1 to the Doctors at 3pm……
LM: ok. Sick?
PEW: i want to talk to them about his throwing up when he runs around……

S1 would have a tendency to throw-up when he was overstimulated. He would run himself ragged and then get all flushed and start gagging. Yes, it was weird and of concern.

LM: Okay.
PEW: and I want to ask them if they think he needs a therapist
LM: Be sure to give them all the facts.
PEW: like what?
LM: Because I don’t think he needs a freaking therapist.
PEW: that’s because you are in denial…….
LM: Okay.
PEW: he needs help learning how to express his emotions. in an acceptable way. he can’t spend the rest of his life freaking out several hundred times a day
LM: Okay.
PEW: don’t say okay LM…..if you want to talk about it….talk
LM: Nope. Talk to them.
PEW: well….with mental illness on your side and my side the way it is….i’m not willing to ignore what he does any more
LM: Okay.

Another one of her coping mechanisms, or should I call it “denial mechanisms,” was that I had as many issues as her or my family had as many issues as her. Mental illness most certainly does not run in my family. I had one Aunt who suffered with a bout of serious depression for a long period of time, but beyond that, I am aware of no other member of my family that had been diagnosed with any mental illnesses. However, she has two diagnosed bipolar siblings, a likely bipolar father, mental illness in other extended family members, alcoholism rampant throughout the family, etc. However, I think if she convinced herself that this was the case in my family, somehow that made it all okay. It wasn’t reality.

In any event, the implication is clear, with mental illness on “both” sides of the family – then S1, at 4-frigging-years-old, must have something, too.

PEW: did you used to kick your baby brother and pull his hair and kick your mother and scream and cry when you drop something…..
LM: Rarely, because I got in trouble when I did.
PEW: so does he. he doesn’t care. getting in trouble for acting the way he does hasn’t effected him in the past two years….. I don’t get why getting him help is upsetting to you
LM: It doesn’t “upset” me. What upsets me is if I say… “He doesn’t do it as regularly to me as he does it to you” – you get pissed at me and start thinking things like I’m judging you or you’re “doing something wrong.” So, I can’t talk about it. Maybe it’s because he’s worn out from tormenting you all day, I don’t know.
PEW: well here’s the thing……
LM: Maybe we’re not methodical and consistent in our methods of dealing with it. But forgive me for looking to US first instead of at him. To my knowledge… he doesn’t “outburst” at school.
PEW: well let’s see…..how do you handle it when he freaks
LM: I need an example.
PEW: so…..you’re saying for me to look at ME…not US
LM: When he freaks when S2 gets close to him, I typically try to explain to him how it is unnecessary to react that way and get him to calm down.
PEW: since you say he doesn’t do it to you….which I think is an out and out LIE

Another example of her denial mechanism. Despite not being there to see how me and the children interacted and how I handled situations, she simply would NOT believe that what I was telling her was the truth. She just wouldn’t. We all know what that would mean if she did. From previous posts, she would acknowledge that they didn’t act that way when we were home together. So… if they didn’t act that way when we were all home together… and they didn’t (as I claim) didn’t act that way when she wasn’t around… and the ONLY time that they would act that way was when they were alone with her (or her family in my absence) – what say ye as to the root-cause?

Worthy of note, S1 attended pre-K3 and pre-K4 and was lauded as far-and-away the best child in the class, at the time, not having been influenced by the “Power Rangers” or other such shows. One teacher said at the time that while most of the other children were chopping and kicking at one another emulating the power rangers from the moment that they dropped their bags, S1 would always be looking to the crafting table or something else that didn’t involve Power Ranger stunts and actions.

LM: Sometimes it takes several attempts, but usually I can convince him that there are alternatives. If he is “rough-housing” too hard with S2… he gets 2 warnings, and then he goes to his room for more than 5 stinking minutes. Then he comes down and is fine.
PEW: well….if all I had to do all the time was lay around on the couch….I guess I’d be a better referee
LM: See? You’re attacking. That’s why I say “okay.” Okay. Okay.
PEW: no….you’re attacking…. you fucking sit there and say it’s me….
LM: No I don’t. I say that you need to be more consistent. That’s not attacking. He freaks more with your family because they don’t control him. He just does.
PEW: that’s a LIE
LM: Of course, he doesn’t see my family as much, so it’s harder to judge.
PEW: yeah exactly
LM: He is calm and normal in the company of your brother M…… generally speaking.

I mention her one brother, specifically, because he is what I’ve previously described as “the normal” one. He has a generally laid back demeanor, takes an active interest in the kids, and doesn’t act like he failed to progress past the age of 5, unlike most of the rest of her family. It’s also why the children are generally calm in his company, too.

PEW: why don’t you get off your ass and take the kids to visit your family every once in a while….maybe I could get something done around here
LM: But at your parent’s house, he goes nuts.
PEW: this is ridiculous
LM: You’re attacking. Stop it.
PEW: No LM, you think you are such a wonderful parent and you have all this wonderful advice for me
LM: You are blowing what I am saying out of proportion. Grossly. This is why we can’t talk about it. Because of YOU. I am not perfect. I do not always get it right.
PEW: well, we obviously have a serious problem here
LM: But he simply DOES NOT GET OUT OF CONTROL AS OFTEN FOR ME AS HE DOES FOR YOU. That is a fact. I don’t “lie” about that.
PEW: well then I will go to his therapy with him……
LM: Again, you have him for 9+ generally… and I only have him for 4-5 generally [on weekdays]. So, you do experience more.
PEW: but I can control 12 abused children at a shot……but I can’t control my own 4 year old
PEW: you don’t find that ODD
LM: Yes. You are required to do specific things at specific times under certain consistent guidelines. You HAVE to be MUCH more patient with your clients than you do at home. That’s pretty simple explanation.

It’s also the absolutely correct explanation. She can’t go from 0-to-freakout at work. She wouldn’t keep her job.

PEW: I don’t have more patience with the kids in work
LM: You have to be more controlled with the kids at work. You are practicing your craft at work.
PEW: my kids at work DO NOT act like S1 does on a daily basis. and the ones that do…..are in therapy. this isn’t normal. i’m sorry, you think I’m doing something wrong…..but our son is having emotional difficulties…. I think I ought to know. if you want to find a job where you can stay home and be the perfect father….and I’ll go back to work full time….that’s fine with me. frankly, I can’t take this anymore. he’s horrible. working full time is WAY easier than dealing with these two and doing ALL of the chores around here by myself. trust me you got the life. our insurance sucks too……I’d like to get a job where we get better insurance
LM: Are you finished attacking me? Your clients aren’t 4-years old. You often “freak out” or get angry with S1 when he whines as a first reaction, not as a last reaction. That doesn’t teach him not to whine. It makes him upset further.
PEW: me “freak out”……you freak out FIRST way more often than I do
LM: Again, I am not the “perfect father.” But that simply is not true.
PEW: I’m not going to sit here while you critique me either
LM: But there has to be a reason why I can ask him once (mostly) twice at most to “stay down stairs while I am cooking.” But they are both up your ass all day long every day.
PEW: I’ll see a proffessional…..you’re not a professional…… i hate to break it to you
LM: Yeah, I know.
PEW: no I don’t think that you know. there’s gonna be some changes around here
LM: There has to be a reason why he can sit and talk at the kitchen table with S2 in the height chair while I do dishes without “being up my ass.”
PEW: yeah…..I play with him…..I’m a playmate….

BINGO!!! That’s exactly right. You’re not being a parent. You’re not being a teacher. You’re not being a guide. You’re being a “playmate.”

LM: There is a reason why he torments the crap out of you almost every time you are on the phone, but not very often when I am on the phone.
PEW: he knows that you have too much other stuff to do
LM: You’re attacking again and you are wrong again.
PEW: maybe you could start taking him outside for awhile when you get home for a little while. why don’t you ever take him anywhere…..just guys. why don’t you ever visit with family or friends……without me
LM: Let’s see… School, work, proximity to me, their jobs/other things. There are lots of reasons. Go see VAM? He works 24/7. When he gets home, it is usually at dusk, and in the Summer, that’s around bedtime. MJM lives far and is rarely home with all of his goings-on. CAM, if he isn’t golfing after work, is golfing on the weekends, or playing flag football, and stuff like that. My father lives 4 hours away. My mother lives 2 hours away. MCB lives 10 hours away. I don’t have a sister a 5-minute walk away, parents who live 30 minutes away… D… and J.. are usually in bed by 8PM, and D… is usually working around his house right after work until he goes to bed.
PEW: well….I’ll tell you what…… I’m tapped out…..I’m sick of this place looking like a hell hole…. I’m sick of dealing with these two…..and working…..and still not having any money. I’m sick of all of it. I feel like fucking running away from here. it’s bull shit. I’m taking S1 to a therapist because it will make MY life easier to figure out why he’s so bad with ME…..and not you. tough shit if you don’t like it, how bout that
LM: Okay.
PEW: good bye
LM: bye
PEW: i won’t be here at lunch either. I don’t want to see you
LM: Whatever.

Despite all of that explanation, the fact is – I did plenty with them. We visited family regularly, when they were available and prepared to have company. Just because I could go more than 2-days without seeing my family, unlike her, doesn’t mean it’s abnormal or lazy. The reality is (and it continues today) – is she visited with the children so often because she doesn’t know how to be with the children for extended periods of time one-on-one. At least, not as anything more than a “playmate.”

This conversation wasn’t over, either. Her motherly instincts were telling her that something was wrong with S1.

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PEW Can’t Stand to be Around the Children Anymore

We all experience our frustrations with children from time-to-time. With PEW, it was often and, in my opinion, more than most. More times than I can count, both during the marriage and since it’s end, I have listened to her complain about not being able to “handle” things. Sadly, this goes back to even when the children were little.

In all the times I’ve listened to friends or family express frustration about their children, the following phrases I never heard:

“I can’t handle the kids.”

“I can’t stand to be around the kids anymore at all.”

“These kids are up my fucking ass 24/7 and I can’t stand them anymore.”

Those are just a few. At one point in the last 4-years, she was so tired of S1 not showing her an appropriate level of worship that she actually proposed (and told him) that she would send him to live with me permanently and she would keep S2. That’s a horrible situation in which to put a (then) 7-year old.

This July 2002 sample shows what happens when I would try to give her some helpful hints to “deal” with the boys. Never, and I mean never, did I ever suggest anything on any topic to help her with anything that wasn’t met with a defensive rant. Consideration for the ideas of others was not something PEW could ever grasp. Constructive suggestions from me were always received as an all-out attack by me on her. “Always” is not an overstatement.

Something is always “wrong” with our son(s). They need psychological evaluations. They have problems. Unfortunately, even the children were not shielded from the blame. Nothing was ever her fault. Everything is always someone else’s fault – even young children.

PEW: OMG. S2 is such a buster. [Niece] and S1 went for a nap with no problem. But he wouldn’t go
LM: lol
PEW: can I just say
LM: Yes. *ducking*
PEW: what is wrong with our son
LM: lol. Which one?
PEW: LM he is in absolute frigging annoy me mode for about the past 3 weeks. S1
LM: I dunno. He either follows my rules or he goes to bed.
PEW: hurting S2, shitting his pants, whining, crying……
LM: He still whines and cries though.
PEW: i’m sorry but I can’t stand it anymore
LM: But I have him down to ONE stare on touching S2.
PEW: i can’t stand being around him at all

I can’t stand it anytime she says it. It just sounds so horrible. Her story has always been that they were unholy terrors anytime I wasn’t home. Then when I was home, they were fine. When they were with me alone, they were fine (outside of what you would expect from a 4-year old and 2-year old). With her, all hell would break loose. Worse than that, she would just refuse to accept that they were fine when with me alone. She would always think I was lying and, when she wasn’t doing that, she was making up stories about the things I would do (mostly not do) in her absence. She was clairvoyant, apparently.

LM: Well, that’s not good.
PEW: all he does is harrass me all fucking day
LM: Send him outside.
PEW: it’s really a shame
LM: I send him downstairs. He’s not to come up until I’m finished cleaning the kitchen. When I cook… they stay downstairs together until I call them for dinner.
PEW: well I don’t know what the answer is, but whatever we’re doing, it isn’t working
LM: He asks, but he is not allowed to come up until I call him. They watch me on the grill as I walk up and down the stairs…
PEW: i’m so tired of being stressed around him
LM: I get everything out, cut, and ketchuped before he can come upstairs.
PEW: i know I know, you’re great
LM: All he does is sit down and eat. No. That’s not what I’m saying.
PEW: well what are you saying
LM: What I’m saying is he only does to you what you allow him to do. In many cases.
PEW: you have NO idea what goes on when you’re not around. none
LM: Problem is… I believe every word of what you’re saying.
PEW: what? problem is?
LM: I have an idea because you tell me. I don’t beat him, hit him, I occasionally threaten him with his room. And [he] follows direction, for the most part, even if I have to tell him no 3 or 4 times. “Can I come up yet?” No. Can I come up yet? No. I want juice for dinner. No. Okay, I’ll have water then. Can you read a book? Yes. Sit down and don’t worry about S2 touching the book. I won’t let him ruin the story, I promise.
PEW: shut up

Clearly, I am helping here. In classic borderline personality fashion, this was another on the list of lose-lose situations. If I made suggestions, I was wrong. If I didn’t make suggestions, I was wrong because I wasn’t helping. To this day I wonder what it’s like to go through life never being on the wrong side of any situation.

LM: Okay. Be pissed. You sit there and complain and be pissed and try nothing different. Okay?
PEW: I do something different every week. don’t give me that shit
LM: That’s a problem.
PEW: but don’t give me advice when I’m venting, ok
LM: Do ONE thing and do it every time all the time. Okay.
PEW: I can fucking vent about the kid being a fucking pain in the ass
LM: Well, I have to be concerned when you say… I CAN’T STAND TO BE AROUND HIM AT ALL ANY TIME ANYMORE. That is what prompts advice. That is more than just a simple “vent.”
PEW: yeah, no shit
LM: Now, if that is an overstatement, I apologize. But if that is real, then it is a problem that needs resolution.
PEW: maybe you could do a little bit more around the house. then I wouldn’t be so busy that I couldn’t handle him
LM: Bullshit. I told you before, I can do shit and keep them out of my way. You opt not to do that.
PEW: but when he’s up my ASS 24/7 it’s a little different than your experience with him. bull shit
LM: No bullshit.
PEW: you don’t even try
LM: Are we talking about what I do or how I keep the kids from being up my ass? What is it you want to argue about today?
PEW: i just wanted to vent without you giving me parenting tips…. I do fucking fine without your advice. ok
LM: Then vent to somebody else.
PEW: you’re not better than me. you’re just not

Therein lies the root-cause of her reaction. My suggestions, tips, tricks meant that I was “better than her.” I wasn’t helping her, apparently, I was putting her down. I was questioning her mothering. Never was I trying to offer assistance.

I could cook, clean, do work on the PC, read books, bathe the children, walk the dogs, go for walks with the boys, mow the lawns, and all kinds of other daily household duties without using the children as an excuse for why I couldn’t do it. She rarely could and, of course, the blame would be laid at my feet. I can tell you honestly – when we were working different shifts and had the children on our own during our respective work periods – I NEVER encountered nor experienced situations where the children were the reason I didn’t get something done around the house. Her inability to provide even the slightest semblance of structure and discipline (even today) is what causes most of her issues. Nothing else.

Oh, and there is the “24/7” thing again from the dramatist. If you were to ask her, you would think she hadn’t slept one minute in the years since the children were born.

LM: When you said you can’t stand being around our son, it became something more than a vent. I didn’t say that.
PEW: if you think you are better…..you’re wrong
LM: Stop turning it into something that it isn’t.
PEW: it is not more than a VENT
LM: It is to me. I’ll say it again, you said, “I cannot stand being around S1 at all anymore.” That’s more significant that, “S1 is being a pain in my rump” – BIG difference.
PEW: it’s a vent. well then it is to you. it doesn’t make me a bad person. i can’t stand being around you sometimes either. i think that’s normal. so kiss my ass. I said ” I can’t stand being around him anymore” which translates to….. he’s really been a fucking nudge lately. you always change one fucking word to twist it your way right. LM….. if you want me to unload on you …..I will. God knows you’ve been asking for it, otherwise, just shut the fuck up

Oh, PEW, I always knew you would. I didn’t need to ask for it.

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Why Our Sons Will Struggle for Discipline & Responsibility

Before the email below was sent to PEW, I looked at DW and told her what I expected the response to be. Sadly, I was correct almost to the letter and it makes me sick.

S1 has, on occasion, been a disciplinary problem at school. He sometimes will lack the self-control to appropriately handle escalating situations which has invariably resulted in physical confrontations. The Psycho Ex-Wife’s almost complete inability to discipline the children has led to instilling them with a complete lack of self-discipline, self-awareness, respect for others, and responsibility for their actions while in her care. I hold the children accountable for their actions and a situation like this rarely occurs during my custody period.

When I was relegated to non-custodial parent status, during the school year I was on the every other weekend basic schedule. I did get extra time during breaks, holidays, summer, etc. When these issues came up at school, PEW’s brand of discipline was picking up the phone and calling me to do it over the phone. Often, when asked for suggestions on punishment, I would make suggestions which would then be ignored. Very often, S1 didn’t get punished at all by PEW and I just wasn’t going to be phone-disciplinarian and be set up like so many fathers before me as “the bad guy who was solely responsible for meting out discipline.”

I can remember one year, not sure if it was last year or the year before, S1 had been involved in 6 or 7 physical confrontations (1-way or 2-way) in the first 4-months of the school year. It wasn’t going to get better and so I intervened. The normal level of discipline for these non-injury physical altercations at school was recess suspension. You lost recess for one day. I had a sit-down with S1 where I explained my near-zero-tolerance policy which would punish any physical altercation except those where there was clear and convincing evidence that he had no choice but to defend himself. I knew the risk associated with that definition would be attempts to make any confrontation one of self-defense, but I simply didn’t want to put him in a position to get bullied by others, either. By the way, I should add that S1’s size makes him look years beyond his actual age of 9 and probably the biggest child in his age group by a good measure. As I felt that a single day’s recess was ineffective at deterring his behavior, I told S1 that from here on out, I was instructing the teachers that the number of recesses that will be suspended for each ensuing altercation would match the number of altercations he’s had for the year. Plus, there would also be discipline on the home front. That would mean since we had 6 altercations already at the time, the next one would result in 7-days of recess suspension. The one after that would result in 8-days recess suspension. And so on. Well, his reaction was shock and disbelief and crying – so I knew I had chosen a good one. PEW, when she heard of my plan from S1, promptly called me and freaked out that I was unfair and run a “boot camp” and so on. Ask me how many more physical confrontations S1 was involved in that year? If you guessed ZERO, you would be correct.

During this past summer, when I had full custody – I don’t recall there being any physical confrontations at summer camp. Since the entire custody arrangement has since changed to 50/50 year-round – until yesterday – there had been no physical confrontations at school.

Tuesday, during a non-sensical escalation with a peer over a shamrock ring which belongs to S1, he was pushed or punched in the chest. The description he gave me was that while attempting to deflect blows and retreat, he hit the other kid in the face. My conclusion given the other details was that he failed to recognize things were escalating and didn’t do a good enough job to avoid it getting physical and would therefore be punished. No yelling. No screaming. No finger wagging. Just a short sit-down discussion about what happened and what the consequences would be.

They would be stiff (for a 9-year old). In this day-and-age, things going on at school will often be dealt with by imposing unusually harsh punishments and my child will not grow up to be a bully like his mother and his Aunt PP if I have anything to do with it. I wonder if the children’s experiences in seeing how their mother and aunt deal with situations has any bearing on their responses and reactions? Coincidence? I think not.

So, given that this is a situation that, according to my boundaries, is a matter of enough significance to warrant keeping PEW informed, I relucantly send an email last night which confirms the Easter weekend details (unrelated) and informs her of this situation. Now I know you won’t be shocked by the reply, but I still want to make mention that this is the person who you see and will continue to see pontificate about “co-parenting” about which I allegedly have “no clue.”

PEW,

For Easter weekend, I will pick them up on Monday morning. Please let me know what time is appropriate.

Today, when I picked up S1 from aftercare, I was informed that there was an “incident” where S1 was involved in a physical altercation with another boy. No one was hurt. S1 was apparently pushed, punched, and/or poked… S1 hit the other boy in the face. All were apparently inconsequential blows.

However, I’ve been very clear with S1 that there is a zero-tolerance policy regarding physical confrontations at school.

His punishment is a loss of snack for tonight and he will not be attending the scout hike this weekend. If the scout hike is postponed, it will remain the punishment for the rescheduled date. It is my hope that if it happens to be rescheduled during your custody time, you will honor the punishment.

~LM

Readers, feel free to give me some honest feedback. I believe that this is a more than appropriate consequence for the action in question. The email is straightforward, clear, and looks for support and buy-in from PEW. S1 values his time and activities at Cub Scouts greatly. This weekend was a family hike with some specific activities (which can be made up later, I already contacted the Leader) – and now we aren’t going. Obviously, fighting with others at school violates the basic tenets of Cub Scouts. S1 was upset, but I explained to him that the punishment needs to be memorable enough for him to really make him think twice before engaging in any fights at school – and that the discipline will only be greater if these actions continue. I could tell he was holding back tears, but it was also clear he understood and even said so, if only to satisfy my desire to see him accept responsibility.

Here is PEW’s buy-in:

LM,

Why didn’t you have S1 tell me about this on the phone last night? I AM PISSED that you took away the hike of all things. What exactly is he learning by missing a cub scout hike? I think you did that for yourself not him. Cub scouts is a “learning” activity AND the hike an opportunity for physical exersize. Maybe if they HAD anything at your house that they actually enjoy, you WOULD have something worth taking away. You are totally determined to screw these boys up aren’t you? Just when I start thinking you might be “OK” you do something like this. It’s just never going to be over is it?

I’ll be calling aftercare today to find out what happened. And I’ll be calling to talk to S1 tonight because I want to hear it from him NOT YOU.

As for S2, why did you send him to school when he’s obviously still sick? Are you going to take him to the Doctor?

As for Easter Monday, I’ll meet you in the parking lot my work at 8:30.

~PEW

Now, we all know why I didn’t discuss it with her on the phone. Further, if she was interested in more than placating his obsession with professional wrestling, which was most of their discussion from what I could hear as I was taking care of cleaning up after dinner, she might have seen fit to ask him about his school day. She didn’t. Certainly S1 was unlikely to volunteer that information of his own accord. I contacted her appropriately and did so via email after the children were in bed. I even avoiding suggesting that his reactions to adverse situations may actually be influenced by professional wrestling. He spends so much time watching it and admiring these guys. Look at how they respond to situations. Look at how he reacts. Coincidence? I think not.

You’ll notice that she also brings something into the discussion which has no place on the topic covered, something that has been and will be an eternal struggle when discussing anything with PEW. Obviously still sick? Other than a runny nose, he was fine and looked forward to going back to school. Further, how did she come to this conclusion over the phone? Dr. PEW has truly missed her calling with her innate ability to diagnose illnesses from afar.

I didn’t respond to her latest angry diatribe. This is just another reason why co-parenting is impossible with a spouse who has a personality disorder of this seriousness. Her obsession with fighting me at every turn on any subject precludes any meaningful co-parenting. It is why I primarily practice parallel parenting. PEW is just completely incapable of seeing any situation more deeply than deflecting blame, keeping the children happy and fond of her no matter the cost, and finding any excuse to escalate a situation that doesn’t meet her warped sense of what is fair, real, or appropriate.

In keeping with open communication with teachers, I sent S1’s teacher the following warning yesterday morning:

Mrs. S1Teacher,

S1 had an incident at aftercare yesterday. Needless to say, he is unhappy with the consequences for his actions and is in a bit of a sour mood this morning.

I told him that he needs to “shake it off” and be able to concentrate on his work today.

I wanted to “tip you off” in the event there is any problems – you’ll know why. Don’t hesitate to let me know if he is/was unable to set it aside in order to concentrate on school work or participation today.

Sincerely,
LM

Shortly thereafter, I got a reply.

Hi Mr. LM,

S1 actually already came to me to tell me what happened. I explained to him that whatever his consequences are is your decision. I mentioned to him that same as you that he needs to concentrate on his work today and deal with the decisions that were made. I will let you know how he makes out today.

Thanks for the heads up!

Mrs. S1Teacher

Both the boys’ teachers are pretty great, especially this one. I’m certain that S1 is looking for sympathy from anyone for his plight. Eventually, he’ll get that from PEW and the mixed messages that he is getting from both of his parents will continue to cross him up. She’ll put on that sickening “whiny voice” and tell him that none of this is his fault, dad is a big meanie, and probably promise to buy him several toys in order to place herself high upon the pedestal in her sons’ eyes. It will completely undermine me and do absolutely no good for S1.

Carrying on with the latest email barrage after my no-futher-contact position, I get this:

LM,

I am not done with you about this hike thing. S1 needs the hike toward earning his Bear Badge…..everyone else will be earning it and get it at the same time and you are punishing S1 because you don’t feel like hiking Saturday, so he’ll be the only kid in his Den NOT getting his badge and widdling chip. That is not an appropriate consequence or punishment for what happened at aftercare. Think of something else.

~PEW

This, too, will not receive a reply.

As I’ve already mentioned, this is not the case. I’ve contacted the Den Leader to ensure that his earning his badge is not at risk nor his ability to attain his whittling chip. I did so without informing him of why he will not be in attendance. I simply told him “something has come up” and he may not be in attendance in order to find out if these items were in jeopardy. Truth be told, if it was the case, I’d have chosen some other significant event to use as there are several coming up. I can use this Saturday to continue to teach him how his behavior has consequences (good and bad). We can go on a family hike and I can teach him appropriate pocket-knife handling, storage, and usage.

Notice her ongoing disconnect between S1’s behavior and how it violates the basic rules & laws of the pack. She just doesn’t get it. She never has. She never will. To her, getting the chip & badge is of paramount importance, no matter whose ass S1 has to kick to get them. I didn’t ask and don’t know, but I’m sure if the den leader found out he was involved in a “fight” at school, his ability to attain these rewards might be in jeopardy whether he went on the hike or not.

Notice that she continues to be completely incapable of even suggesting what she thinks is appropriate disciplinary action. It’s always someone else’s responsibility. “Think of something else.” “I’m not done with you.”

Guess what, PEW? You are done with me you because I said so. Unless you come and kidnap the children during my custody time and manage to elude the authorities long enough to take him hiking yourself (which she won’t do) – this will be the consequence for his action.

In closing out this post, when I picked up S1 from after-school care, he was in a much better place. He was excitedly telling me about how he made the right decision today. Long-story short, he was faced with another potential physical confrontation on recess. When a “friend” of his desired to have S1 put him in a wrestling move, S1 told him, “Sorry, I don’t want to get into any physical confrontations.” The kid asked him if he was a wimp before shoving him into a bike rack unexpectedly. He actually has a nice big bruise on his hip. He didn’t strike back. He removed himself from the situation even amid apparent chants to “FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT” from a gathering crowd. Some witnesses had already moved to report the incident to a teacher and guess who was sent down to the principal’s office? Not S1! (Story confirmed.) It all went down just like I told him it would. He was very pleased with himself.

On the walk to the van and the ride home, I repeatedly told him how proud I was of his handling of the situation today. He even said, “Yeah, I was kind of hoping this would mean I could go on the hike this weekend!”

Me: “No, that won’t be what it means, but S1, I’m still really proud of the way you handled the situation today, really I am.”

S1: “Darn. Okay.”

We carried on our discussion a little further and I told him, “S1, one thing you aren’t is a wimp. You know you’re much bigger than anyone else in your class. The fact is, you could very likely throttle the snot out of anybody who might challenge you. Just because of that, you will be challenged. Avoid it if you can.” I went on to explain that the low tolerance of schools nowadays results in kids being kicked out of school for all kinds of seemingly silly reasons. If that was to happen to him, we would all have a lot bigger problems to deal with in terms of finding a place for him to go to school… and so on. I reiterated the “no choice self-defense” exception while clearly explaining what that entails.

Here’s hoping a few things:

1 – He remembers the punishment that has been handed down as a deterrent to future problems with physical confrontations at school.

2 – He remembers how things went down today when he didn’t retaliate. Him – no trouble. The other kid – trouble. Dad – proud and praising.

3 – PEW doesn’t undermine the lessons that seem to be being learned and understood this week.

I expected more PEW harassment by the time bedtime was reached last night, but it didn’t materialize. I can only imagine what “I’m not done with you yet on this” means. Here’s hoping it’s not an emergency hearing to have the judge allow S1 to go on that hike Saturday.

Don’t laugh.

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