October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month – Remember…

…it happens to men, too.

I was reading an article tonight, one among many, from Barbara Kay. This one, though, went against the grain a good bit and wasn’t the same old tripe that is so often trotted out espousing women’s victimhood with barely a mention of children and nary a word about men.

Barb brings a larger dose of reality on the topic by titling her latest article, Barbara Kay, October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month; How about making November false allegations awareness month?

This is a wonderful idea that is still too big a challenge for the mainstream media to cover. I gotta give her kudos for her ongoing efforts, though. In addition to a horrendous story about a young man who was killed by someone as a result of fabricated domestic violence story, she offers some other interesting tidbits:

• In 2000, it was reported that the FBI’s DNA testing over a three year period had exonerated more than 30% of their 4,000-plus sexual assault suspects.

• The FBI’s Behavioural Science Unit’s 1983 study of False Allegations, a total of 220 out of 556 rape investigations – 40% – turned out to be false. (Over a quarter turned out to be actual hoaxes.)

• About 4,000 allegations of rape a year are levelled in Manhattan. About half never happened.

• Police officials in New Zealand state that 64% of rape reports are false.

The article goes on to talk about how men’s lives can be completely shattered by false accusations and its prevalence in family court, used as a means to get an upper hand in contested child custody cases, something that I and many of my readers have experienced first-hand. I, so far have been one of the lucky ones and not suffered the catastrophic fate that so many others often do. I’ve been subject to patently false claims, up to and including spousal abuse and child abuse, and the PEW even called Child Protective Services on us on one occasion (and the police several times). In my case, there has never been a single sanction or other repercussions for her provably false claims. That’s usually the case. It’s wrong.

Barbara Kay’s sentiment on how to handle false accusations are shared by many:

“All allegations of sexual abuse or domestic violence should be routed immediately to criminal court and the burden placed on the accuser to prove (usually) her case. Real punishment should follow on false accusations of abuse of any kind. When women get away scot free with ruining men’s lives – or provoking tragedies like those detailed in this editorial – it is inevitable that the message trickles down to society at large that false allegations against men by women and girls are tolerated and even [trivialized].”

The bottom-line is this… despite the massive mainstream media coverage that will undoubtedly focus on the abused women of the world, the public should also remember the nearly 1,000,000 men in the United States who report being the victims of domestic violence every year. The number of men and children who are killed at the hands of mother/wife/girlfriend. They should also be alarmed by the fact that there are little to no programs in place to assist battered men in need of assistance. No shelters. No free legal representation. No pro-father-bias in family courts. No multi-billions of dollars funneled to help just males via a “Violence Against Men’s Act.”

Never forget those realities. Let’s try to remember the disposable gender when we talk of domestic violence and death.

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"Lovingly Confused" Poses a Serious Connundrum

LM & DW,

I am in the same position as you. I am the DW, although not divorced, my LM has a PEW.

She is currently trying to accuse him of child abuse. I’m almost positive it is in order to get rid of me. She has followed the same conversations and behaviors of those that I found on your site. My problem is, I am getting a license to be a professional counselor. I know my LM and I for certain are not committing abuse and never would. She has not called her lawyer or filed with DHS. Do I stick around or go incognito for awhile??

Lovingly Confused

Dear Lovingly Confused,

Having had CPS called on myself by our PEW, I will tell you what I wish I had done beforehand, what I did afterwards, and what I would do in the future. I may expand this to all ways to protect yourself as the significant other of someone with a PEW, it’s probably something that would come in handy for a lot of people.

First, I would file a letter with your licensing office, local police station, and child protective service organization relaying your concerns about the possibility of her filing false abuse allegations. It’s something I wish I had done. While it won’t completely negate the chance of investigation if/when she does file something, at least you will already be on record of suspecting it and have a starting point when speaking with authorities.

Second, as difficult as it is, I would never be alone with their child(ren), period. When it comes down to what the real parent says vs. what the new woman says, you are dead in the water, so make sure someone else is always around. While it’s noble to want to be a great step-parent, unfortunately the PEW’s make this impossible. Your first thought has to be what kind of danger you are in, because it is real danger.

Third, I find it to be a very difficult position to have to decide to be a partner, or make myself disappear in order to not provoke the beast. I’m just not the type of person to surrender in the face of a bitch like that. There are times when it seems LM makes it appear as if I’m in the background when dealing with PEW, and frankly it ticks me off when that occurs. I want her to know that we are a package deal, but that’s probably a personal issue for me, so my advice probably isn’t the best on this issue. In the end I think if it hurts your relationship to have to “hide”, then it’s not worth it. She’s going to be psycho no matter what you do, so I really see no sense in hiding. I also think that hiding shows a PEW that you think you aren’t worthy of being in their presence and your significant other isn’t proud of you. It’s all about them, so this is an issue I find difficult.

Lastly, in overall protection, if I could do it over – I would never allow her to know anything about me. She would not know my last name, my children would never have seen her, etc. Most importantly I would continue to keep all of our assets separate, no shared bank accounts, even if married, separate property, everything, because she will try to come after you. Keep any business information out of her hands, she should have no idea where you work, what you do, who you hang out with, your history, anything, she will use it for evil, no matter what it is.

Those are my thoughts – we wish you the best of luck!

~DW

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Safety Concerns and Demanded Actions

Yesterday comes this gem of intelligence in my sizzling inbox:

LM,

Upon further discussion with the boys about safety issues and such, they informed me that you do not have a land line phone in your home. I have issues with this for several reasons and I am offering options:

1. you get a land line.
2. I buy them a pre-paid cell phone.

It’s not safe to NOT have a land line. You can’t dial 911 from a cell phone and have have it traced.

Also, this is my second request for your address in [locality]. I told you before I lost it.

~PEW

That first sentence should probably read “upon further interrogation.”

We’re getting to a point where the frequency and tone are becoming a nuisance. I almost have a good mind to resend the email regarding low-contact again. I’ll give her credit, though, it is technically a “matter of concern” pertaining to the children, so I think it would do well to answer it. I won’t make fun of it as much as I do here, but I will be factual and to the point.

She is giving me my orders. Ooops, I mean “options.”

Option 1: Get a land line. My guess is PEW doesn’t realize that the children can read and we have the address posted where they can access it should there be an emergency and they dial 911 from one of our two cellphones. Also, I’m still going to plug in a landline phone because I understand some phone companies do leave a dial-tone on a line and if there is one, 9-1-1 will work.

Option 2: She buys them a prepaid cellphone. She can, but it won’t be welcome here. That’s way too much unfettered access to the children and it doesn’t make sense when my cellphone sits out on the table when home and DW also has a cellphone that is readily accessible. Further, if 9-1-1 can’t trace directly to a cellphone, how does buying them a cellphone fix that? I’ve read far too many horror-stories about what happens when you have a PEW and a cellphone for the children is involved. Way too many.

It’s not safe to be without a land line? Since when? Hundreds of thousands of people across this country and the world have ditched land lines and standard phone service in the name of cellphones, VoIP, satellite, cable, etc. communications. It must be because we’re all risk-takers who like to live on the edge of danger!

So, here is my reply:

PEW,

I appreciate your concerns.

– I have posted our address and the children know how to dial 9-1-1 from the cellphone and how to communicate our location if an emergency arises.

– Address: [This is my address]

– Regarding your threat on the “right of first refusal.” When a situation arises that I am required to contact you – I do. I will continue to do so. However, please be assured that I know every single time you fail to follow the court order and keep a log of same, including the 2-days last week when your sister watched them when I was available and you failed to notify me first. Since we’re on the topic of safety, her watching the children alone was and will continue to be a safety concern of my own.

~LM

Yes, I did add in the commentary on the “ROFR” because she’ll respond to it. Given that she is allegedly amassing all of this “evidence” as to why the shared parenting arrangement isn’t working – I’ll need to be prepared to counter it, unfortunately. Is it provocative? Yes, but before you “give it to me” – please keep in mind that Aunt PP is diagnosed bipolar disorder, with a history of drug and alcohol abuse, suicide threats and at least one attempted suicide, physical abuse against the children (one documented), and to the best of my knowledge remains untreated for any of it even today. In fact, at one point during the court proceedings, I wanted it part of the order that neither Aunt PP nor PEW’s father be permitted to watch the children alone. I was denied. So much for “the best interests of the children.” The reason? Her family is her “support system.” No, I’m not kidding.

Her reply:

LM,

That is unacceptable. You keep the phone on your belt at all times. What if you are the person they need the police to protect them from? Plus, I know you are not always present….then what? they don’t have access to a phone when they are with your girlfriend. Pick one of the two options I gave you or we can let Judge Contempt decide AGAIN.

As far as keeping a log….I have one too and you HAVE NOT notified me when you are supposed to. Both kids have been home sick with DW (who is a creep) AND you left them with someone on New Years Eve (teenagers), in spite of the fact that their mother was begging you daily to bring them home.

I gave this 50/50 thing six months like I said I would. This situation sucks for the boys and I’m thinking that ANOTHER evaluation is in order. If you wanted it to work, you’d be working with me and YOU DON’T. You’re the only one who can keep us out of court. I want our kids to have a phone. Work with me or I’ll see you in court again.

~PEW

What the hell does she know? She just pulls stuff out of thin air and then that’s her reality. Cellphones are left on the counter where everyone has access to them. No, I don’t walk around the house with the cellphone on my belt.

The “right of first refusal” wasn’t intended for a sick child home from school or requiring a babysitter for the rare date night (not to mention we were out of state in that particular scenario). Fortunately, the clause gives specific examples, including “when the children have a school day off but the parent does not” – which is a specific item I can point to as a violation of the order. It also includes work travel, a significant family illness, or other emergency situation. As I read it, and in true BPD fashion, it could stand a little tightening up, it appears. As usual, she will exploit every loophole to create her chaos. I’m supposing it will need to cite exclusions (like a child’s sickness or a date night) or specify some period of time (more than 6-hours or something). Time and her next petition will tell.

Notice how “working with me” is my doing as she says without question? How much control over a prepaid cellphone does she think the children will have? Even if I were to permit it here, it would go on the counter right next to the others. She has absolutely no sense.

Now DW is a creep. When she’s not allegedly abusive towards the children… all PEW wants is for her to love them. Then she’s a creep. Then she is the “normal one.” Then she is the one who has the balls in the relationship. Then she’s a freak. Whatever, PEW, make up your frigging mind.

Her last email was followed shortly thereafter with this:

LM,

P.S. Starting this week we will make door to door exchanges. Sunday, you will drop them off at my door. The following week, I will drop them off at your door and so on. [The current exchange point] is less than 3 miles from where you live. It’s 9 miles from my house. Plus I want to see where the kids are living while they’re with you. I am afraid what I will find frankly.

Also, my sister is NOT a dangerous person. The boys love PP, which is more than I can say for DW.

~PEW

No we won’t make door-to-door exchanges. An agreed upon location for child exchanges is in the order, though, at the time we hadn’t picked a place. We mulled over a few options and the current exchange point was agreed upon. I’ll have to dig up the transcript because I think we actually did discuss this openly in front of the judge and it may be in there.

The other thing about this reply is her one “stock reply” regarding her sister. It’s the same reply she always gave when concerns were raised about her ability to be a caretaker in any capacity to the children. “She loves them.” Or, “They love her.” So what? That’s not the issue and I have never questioned either her love for them or their love for her. This issue is her mental illness. The words of custody evaluator #2 still ring in my ears when these concerns were brought up. “With someone suffering from bipolar disorder who remains untreated, it’s not about IF another episode will occur, it’s a matter of WHEN another episode will occur. It’s a dangerous situation in which to leave the children.”

Much to my dismay and despite her assurances to the contrary, CE #2 didn’t follow through on her promise to include that concern in her report nor PEW lying about how PP (at the time) had moved-in with her. CE #2 was furious about that and yet, still failed to put it in the report as she told the both of us she would. Not only that, the cursory mention of PP in the report makes no mention of her untreated bipolar disorder and it’s potential impact on the children.

Since it has now gotten out of control again, I sent:

PEW,

A couple of things:

– I will take this time to remind you that if you cannot contain your anger, foul language, insults, and false accusations & assumptions in your emails, I simply will not reply. If you cannot be civil, you are not entitled to a response. If there is an urgent or relevant matter pertaining to the children and you can be civil, you will get a reply.

– We will not do door-to-door exchanges. The order is clear – an agreed upon exchange point. We agreed that the exchange point was to be [current exchange point] and is what we have been doing.

If you cannot control your language and tone, please don’t bother replying because you will not receive another response to any emails that are not civil.

~LM

UNCLE! I’ve had enough.

LM,

Please give me an example of “anger, foul language, insults, and false accusations & assumptions” from my last email.

I will read the order again with regard to exchange points, however [exchange point] is not a halfway point. AND I want to see where the kids live while their with you. We can pick exchange points near my house and near your place if you want, but [exchange point] is not halfway

You are not in charge here…you don’t even have the courtesy to re-imburse me for the medical after 6 months. Let’s review….first of all….I COULD have fought this arrangement, but I decided to give it a try (and the kids hate it). Second, I let you basically keep $3000 in your pocket for the year in child support (and why did I do this? because I’m so evil and vindictive) Third, after you totally screwed me and the kids over at Christmastime…..I dropped the hearing. And Fourth, there are a million and ten things in between October and now that are totally unacceptable and too numerous to mention…but I have my little book at home to give to the evaluator. Do you want to do this again or do you want to start doing the RIGHT thing? I’m not threatening you…I’m giving you the straight deal….I will and always have TRIED to do what’s right for the boys and you make it impossible.

The matter is urgent because I am seriously considering engaging in another custody evaluation after living with this situation for since October, it’s painfully clear to me (and to the boys) that they are not the priority in your life. I’m not trying to insult you or curse or accuse or make assumptions….I am merely basing my decisions on the information I have….and it’s not good.

The next move is yours. I hope you tell me which option you’re choosing…..cell phone or land line? That’s the priority for today. Then we’ll go from there. Your decision is going to effect my decision.

~PEW

Wow. Where do I start? No, I don’t respond to her.

– The exchange point. This is important to her. The distance she is talking about is a mere 3-miles (at most, as usual, her math is off). This is approximately 3-minutes drive. The exchange point is a very safe location and was an option offered her and she accepted. Remember my stories about a BPD never agreeing to anything, even if they agree to it? This is a prime example. “Do you want to do [exchange point]?” Her reply was, “Oh, sure! That’s right near where I work. That will be just fine.”

– She couldn’t have “fought it” and she didn’t have a choice to “give it a try” despite her delusion that this is somehow a test that she has permitted. The court order was specific. If employment and housing arrangements could be made, I would be granted 50/50 custody after a short hearing. It was that explicit. It won’t be changing because PEW doesn’t like the arrangement.

– She isn’t allowing me to keep any amount of money. Let’s make something perfectly clear, she didn’t pay any childcare for 3 straight summers. Also, on two occasions I settled allowing her out of a reduction in my child support because her attorney was going to litigate. Though I would have won, the amount in question is what it would have cost me in attorney’s fees to win something that was a foregone conclusion. What the support agreement was, was a deal between the two of us. Had she chosen to litigate it, there was a strong likelihood (given a previous hearing) that an exception would have been made which would have seen the child support reduced to less than $100/month. I agreed to pay 4x that to avoid the possibility that the exception wouldn’t be applied again. Had it been, I wouldn’t have been able to afford this arrangement. The amount of money on top of the rather substantial child support I have paid dating back to 2004 – is probably in excess of $8,000 between forfeiting credits that I was entitled to and her not being made to pay her portion of childcare when the children were with me.

– We all know that the circumstances surrounding Christmas was nothing more than me following the order, her paying her penalty for contempt of court, and her not liking it. Nothing more, nothing less.

– She gave me two receipts totaling $40 in February. I paid her in March. Not 6-months. 1 month. One receipt is from November 29th. The other was from mid-December. 6-months haven’t even passed since the time she took them to the doctor the first time.

She’s not threatening me. But if I don’t do as she demands, she’s going to take me back to court. No surprise there. Time to start getting my documentation in order again.

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Holding Hands is CHILD ABUSE!

Continuing now from Friday’s post…

The escalation is underway due to my decision not to respond to her earlier unprovoked, mindless, antagonistic email from the 20th.

This very morning I received another email from PEW and she is raising the level of antagonism in order to prompt a reply. As tough as it is, one will not be forthcoming. There are some things in there that I’d like to address, but as with most issues – she really doesn’t care and there is no explanation that would satisfy her alleged concerns. There never was.

To satisfy my compulsion to reply, I will break this down afterwards to show you what the replies to each item would be if I were still stuck in “defensive explain myself” mode.

LM,

you still haven’t responded about monday? the court order says I have the “right of first refusal” you’re the guy who put that clause in there….so I suggest you respond in kind.

I am so tired of the bs that has been going on….now they tell me that you said they can’t bring their wrestlers over there??? what the frig are they supposed to do? they’re not allowed to watch tv….no video games…no fun….they have no toys….your girl is mean to them….answer me for God’s sake…do you want to be in court again? because that is what is going to happen soon and this time I am going to INSIST that Judge Contempt talk to these children. LM, I haven’t liked this arrangement from day one and I’ve been collecting evidence of WHY it is not working……….if you want it to stay this way I suggest you consider a few things….did you look at their grades since you came…..on your weeks they do terrible on their tests!!! On my weeks they do great. You are ridiculously strict……they are BOYS…making them hold hands when they fight??? I do NOT want to hear that AGAIN. Who thought of that? That is the gayest thing I have ever heard….S1 is amost 10….for God’s Sake…..what are you trying to do? I have told a dozen people about that and they all said what I was thinking and that is…it’s almost child abuse making a child S1’s age and maturity level hold hands??? I’m not going to let you do this LM. I’ve invested way too much already to just sit back and expect you to be semi-normal…..you’re not. You are really weird and so is your girlfriend. I am not going to let you screw up these boys. If you can’t be sort of normal then you should just go away. I have to say again what I’ve said all along….where are you getting your parenting tips from?? do you even have a mind of your own anymore? You need to grow some balls and tell your girl that you will raise your boys your OWN way….because frankly you’re raising them like “Nancy Boys”…for God’s sake LM what are you thinking??? I’m 99% certain that the only reason DW’s kids are semi normal is because of POE…you need to grow some “you know whats” and parent your OWN kids because they way I see it now is that OUR kids are the “red headed step children”…….and I don’t like it LM. S1 is about two years away from being able to legally decide on his own….and it’s not looking good for you. Do you know that? When he turns 12 he can decide on his own where he wants to be.

I want to know why they complain about DW so much? why does she never hug and kiss them and tell them she loves them?? that’s not because of me LM because I would love nothing more than for her to love them??? What the hell is going on over there? does she hate your children or what?

This is an adult. A mother of two. “Nancy Boys.” “Gayest.” When we speak about Borderline Personality Disorder, we often speak of how their maturity became stunted early on. You can see from the way she handles situations that this is true. You can see from the language she uses, this is true.

Breaking it down…

you still haven’t responded about monday? the court order says I have the “right of first refusal” you’re the guy who put that clause in there….so I suggest you respond in kind.

Yes, actually, I have. You see, the “right of first refusal” clause is in place if I need to secure childcare for some reason (other than an illness or similar). The key point here is if I needed it. I don’t. The ROFR clause doesn’t say I have to keep re-explaining myself. The ROFR clause doesn’t say I have to continue to tell her that I will be home with the children. The ROFR does say that if I needed childcare services (including if DW was going to be watching them), I have to give her the chance to provide that care.

Also – I happen to know for a fact that she has had her sister watch them without having called me first. Interesting how accusatory the guilty can be.

Bottom line – I don’t have to tell her that I am doing the childcare. I only have to tell her when I’m not.

I am so tired of the bs that has been going on….now they tell me that you said they can’t bring their wrestlers over there??? what the frig are they supposed to do? they’re not allowed to watch tv….no video games…no fun….they have no toys….your girl is mean to them….

Last week, a number of things occurred regarding wrestling and their wrestling action figures. I’ve been very clear about her allowing the children to overindulge in WWE wrestling because it’s adult television, not 6YO and 9YO television. It’s just not.

#1 – A near fight ensued during recess where one child asked S1 to perform a dangerous wrestling maneuver on him. That’s right, the kid asked S1 to perform the move on him. Strange, but true.

#2 – When playing with their action figures, they were SLAMMING them down on the tables and hardwood floors. They had repeatedly been warned against doing this. I had no problem with them doing it on the sofa cushions, chair cushions, or their beds – surfaces that don’t sound like repeated gunfire when the action figures are spiked off of them and don’t damage property.

#3 – Which resulted in my banning them from bringing the action figures to the house: the two boys closed the bedroom door and were doing exactly what I had told them not to do – performing wrestling moves on one another. S2 got hurt and was crying.

Now, I cannot control what goes on in her house. I cannot control her inability to discipline. I can only control what goes on in our home and I think that the boys’ repeated warnings over the course of the last few months were more than enough.

As for the rest – no, we don’t have video games. They get enough at her house. They have toys. They have radio controlled cars and trucks. We have games. We have loads of books. They watch enough television (just not WWE and “Cops” and that trash). They have fun.

What I think the problem is here is that they also have responsibilities. They also have consequences for their actions (both good and bad). That probably makes my home less fun for them. Too bad.

I pray that this course of discipline will not upset any readers, resulting in email explanations about how banning their WWE action figures will stifle their upbringing or otherwise upset the balance of nature.

answer me for God’s sake…

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – this is precisely what it’s about. Her. No one else.

do you want to be in court again? because that is what is going to happen soon and this time I am going to INSIST that Judge Contempt talk to these children. LM, I haven’t liked this arrangement from day one and I’ve been collecting evidence of WHY it is not working……….if you want it to stay this way I suggest you consider a few things….

We’re well aware that it has been quite a long time (at least in our terms) since we have been to court. DW and I have discussed that we anticipate that this period of no-court should be coming to an end soon. Here come her threats again.

did you look at their grades since you came…..on your weeks they do terrible on their tests!!! On my weeks they do great.

I have no idea what she is talking about.

#1 – Almost everything I have seen has been fantastic and nothing has been poor. Both boys have been doing extremely well in school.

#2 – With exception of spelling tests, what PEW doesn’t get is that most testing occurs early in the following week after schoolwork, homework, and study. Even if what she claims was factual (and it’s not) – PEW, genius that she is, doesn’t realize that the test results that occur in her week are based on work and study that happened the prior week.

#3 – I’ve gotten nothing but good reports from the teachers.

#4 – Their 2nd-marking period grades (both children) improved over their first marking period grades. 50/50 shared custody began… right at the beginning of the 2nd-marking period. PLUS physical incidents have dramatically decreased overall, and only ONE has occurred during my custody time. Why? Because there are consequences.

You are ridiculously strict……they are BOYS…making them hold hands when they fight??? I do NOT want to hear that AGAIN. Who thought of that? That is the gayest thing I have ever heard….S1 is amost 10….for God’s Sake…..what are you trying to do? I have told a dozen people about that and they all said what I was thinking and that is…it’s almost child abuse making a child S1’s age and maturity level hold hands??? I’m not going to let you do this LM. I’ve invested way too much already to just sit back and expect you to be semi-normal…..you’re not.

This is really too funny for words. A buddy of ours, our business attorney actually, gave me this idea. He’s used it for a while and has had extremely positive results – and I actually strongly recommend this to any parent. When the kids are fighting and are not responding to warnings to cease and desist, I intervene. No beatings. No threats. No punishments. I don’t take anything away. What do I do? I tell them that since they are treating each other so poorly, they need to hold hands for 5-minutes.

I’ve used nothing before nor since that has defused a situation as fast. It has never lasted 5-minutes. What happens is, they stop what they are doing, join hands, sometimes grudgingly, sometimes with me, and sometimes with me just sitting on the chair next to them with a big grin on my face. They look at each other. Then, they crack up laughing. Fight over. No aggravation between them or for us. All is typically forgotten.

QUICK! SOMEBODY GRAB A PHONE AND CALL CHILD PROTECTIVE SERVICES!!!

I’m guessing from her language that she believes this course of action will turn them homosexual or something. Here also is another flip-flop between “they are babies” and “they are mature.” Whatever suits her argument at the moment is what they are.

You are really weird and so is your girlfriend. I am not going to let you screw up these boys. If you can’t be sort of normal then you should just go away. I have to say again what I’ve said all along….where are you getting your parenting tips from?? do you even have a mind of your own anymore? You need to grow some balls and tell your girl that you will raise your boys your OWN way….because frankly you’re raising them like “Nancy Boys”…for God’s sake LM what are you thinking??? I’m 99% certain that the only reason DW’s kids are semi normal is because of POE…you need to grow some “you know whats” and parent your OWN kids because they way I see it now is that OUR kids are the “red headed step children”…….and I don’t like it LM. S1 is about two years away from being able to legally decide on his own….and it’s not looking good for you. Do you know that? When he turns 12 he can decide on his own where he wants to be.

This was a tough read. From where I’m sitting, it seems that she is saying that our children are not normal. She is also delusional again because:

– Other than the few times during exchanges from years ago, I can count on one hand how many times she has had any interaction with DW’s children (and that was relegated to “hi” from outside of a car.)

– She has never met POE and has no idea what he is like. None. Not one shred of information.

– POE’s household is run with the same rules as ours, so DW’s children behave so well because they know what to expect. They have never been in trouble at school, never hit someone, and both received awards including the Principal’s Award and Citizenship Award at school. According to the PEW, the fact that we have them 50% of the time should make them awful children like she perceives ours to be apparently.

– This is a quality example of her uncanny ability to try to strike deep into your soul with her vitriolic attacks. Her viciousness has never known boundaries. I don’t have any balls of my own. Everything I do is based upon what DW wants. I don’t know how to parent. *yawn* More threats. Surprise, surprise.

I want to know why they complain about DW so much? why does she never hug and kiss them and tell them she loves them?? that’s not because of me LM because I would love nothing more than for her to love them??? What the hell is going on over there? does she hate your children or what?

DW loves the children and is very concerned for their well-being. Both of us let the others’ children take the lead on hugs and kisses so as not to make anyone feel uncomfortable. DW’s children are quite affectionate to me. Not all the time, but plenty. S2 is generally about the same level of affectionate with DW. S1, though, while a very affectionate person, is very rarely affectionate towards DW. It’s not overt, but I think it’s because he is afraid that he is somehow harming mom. If DW were to force these things on the children, we have no doubts there would be accusations of sexual or other abuse. It’s another clear no-win situation. Unfortunately, given past experiences, we have to stay on the legally safe side regarding physical interactions.

Given what you read, there is clearly parental alienation going on, so it’s no surprise that one or both of my children would be leery of showing too much affection towards DW (especially). DW is always congratulatory for their accomplishments. She is always available to help with anything. She is always caring whether they are healthy or suffering from some illness. She is more involved in making sure the children are enrolled in healthy activities than their own mother. Funny how PEW doesn’t want DW watching the children on the day they have off from school, yet we are to believe that she only wants DW to love the children. Delusional.

What I think the above represents is her fantasy. She sees things how they wish they would be out of an intense fear that she is “not a good parent” or doing something “not as well” as perhaps I do things. In order to compensate for her own shortcomings, she has to believe that I am so much worse than her and then it manifests itself in her delusional email diatribes.

I really do want to respond to her, specifically with regard to the WWE issue again, because all of my fears about their overexposure to that show are coming to pass. The problem is, she would totally disregard that reality because allowing the boys to watch that makes her “the better parent” in her eyes, and of course, at times in their eyes, too.

What she really needs to do is stop interrogating the children when they are with her. They’re only going to be inclined to give her the answers she wants to hear which then prompts her attack-emails.

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Unprovoked, Mindless, Antagonistic Email from PEW – 3/20/2008

Easter Monday, the boys have off from school. I don’t. However, I have the luxury of working from wherever I happen to have an internet connection and can access the company. I am still required to be on-site for typically half the month (more if circumstances require) – but even on days where I’m scheduled to be on site, my supervisor has no problem with me working from “home” (wherever that may be at the time) when something comes up. Next week, DW will not be with me. If she were, she would undoubtedly be home with the boys as she has done on many occasions before. Lately, much of that has been caring for one or the other as they have been sick the last 4-weeks that I have had them.

Given that this year is PEW’s Easter, I had inquired as to how to handle the exchange this coming weekend. Options offered were:

– We exchange later than normal on Sunday night.
– If she had off from work on Monday, she could keep them until exchange time on Monday.
– We exchange in the morning before work. (The exchange location is very close to her workplace, so it’s actually pretty convenient.)

She chose the last option. We both agreed in writing to it as required by the court order. This occurred last week.

Out of nowhere yesterday, this arrives in my inbox:

LM,

If your plan is to have DW watch the boys on Monday, then I’d just as soon stay home from work. I don’t know what’s going on with the two of you over there, but let me just tell you that you need to watch your temper. I’m not going to tolerate the kids being “terrified” by you. They are not to be told “what happens here is none of mom’s business”, because it IS my business, just the same as what goes on at my house is YOUR business. That’s how we keep things as NORMAL as possible. If the 50/50 thing is too much for you or it’s not working out, let me know and we can work out some alternative arrangement.

Get your girlfriend in check too. The two of you are NOT doing the boys any favors by living here two weeks per month if it’s that much of an imposition, don’t do it.

~PEW

This came to me at lunch yesterday. I have no clue what prompted it. None. No idea whatsoever. The kids had a great week. They had a fun weekend. There were no problems at all. There are certainly no problems between DW and I.

I guess it’s been too long and you can see she is fishing for an engagement. This happens when you are “low-contact“ with a psycho ex-wife.

*IGNORE*

It’s also quite a bit of projection again. This is from the woman who:

– Told the children not to tell me that PP (the psycho SIL) continues to stay overnights and babysit them on occasion.

– Told them not to discuss the sleeping arrangements when she or her sister sleep in the same bed as the boys.

– Told them not to tell me when the crazy neighbor kid (alleged friend) next door shot one or both of them with bb-guns on several different occasions… something I predicted would happen several years ago when I discovered that these children (my boys’ ages) play violent gun video games, have an arsenal of toy guns that would make the Marines jealous, act violently towards the kids and their own parents… I mean, what type of parent buys a 5 and 8 year old bb-guns for chrissakes?

Ah, my list is long and repetitive. You get the picture.

Many of my readers are in eerily similar situations. If you haven’t lived it, you can hardly imagine what it is like to go through your life having little choice but to interact with a PEW (or in some readers’ cases, a PEH). When you have no choice but to go to no-contact or low-contact, it’s up to you. When you do make that decision, it doesn’t stop the other side from attempting to contact you. You simply have to decide if it really merits a response. Most contacts, like this one, do not. They only serve to antagonize. They only serve to elicit a response, which is usually defensive. When you realize that it is not rooted in reality and will only serve to escalate the situation – you realize that no reply is necessary. This email serves no useful purpose other than satisfy her attempt to start a fight and do so for no particular reason.

It’s a shame that her life has been relegated to these meaningless, purposeless attempts to interact with me. I just want her to leave us alone unless a specific situation of importance regarding the children arises. She is simply incapable of doing that. Sucks for us.

Predictably, my no-contact prompted an escalation from here. Just click for the follow-up…

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A View From Canada – The Plight of Divorced Dads

A view from Canada…

Barbara Kay, National Post Published: Saturday, December 08, 2007

The Plight of Divorced Dads

No other topics I write about so consistently provoke passionate personal response as those dealing with systemic discrimination against men. When, for example, I point out double standards for boys and girls in the health care system, or expose the use of bogus statistics around domestic violence, my inbox fills with male gratitude simply for acknowledging an obvious fact: Our culture is profoundly misandric.

Of the myriad forms of discrimination men cite, one looms over the rest: The egregious treatment meted out to fathers in the throes of contested child custody following the “no-fault” divorces most of them did not initiate or desire. My files bulge with stories of disenfranchised fathers ripped from their children’s arms and lives. They have lost their homes, their careers, fortunes, friends and reputations, often on the basis of false allegations of abuse (for which their female accusers are virtually never punished). I wouldn’t mention such anecdotal evidence, if the anguish in these testimonials didn’t jibe with objective data confirming the shameful gender bias that dominates the family law system.

About half of all marriages end in divorce. Women are twice as likely to initiate a divorce as men, largely because they can be fairly sure they’ll end up with control of the children. Where shared parenting is the default template, divorce rates plummet. Men are six times as likely as women to commit suicide within the first two years after a separation: That they kill themselves from despair rather than their ex-wives for revenge is, ironically, a tragically eloquent rebuttal to the feminist credo that men are inherently dangerous to women. Although 25% of women make more money than their spouses, 97% of support payers are men (even in cases of shared parenting). Mobility decisions favour women: The psychological comfort to a Vancouver mother of moving near her Toronto-based family will be privileged over the psychological devastation the virtual loss of his children causes the Vancouver-bound father.

Misandry in family law begins with an ideology that views children as the property of women, even though many peer-reviewed studies show children want and need both parents, and no studies show sole parenting by a mother serves children’s best interests. This ideology is instilled in judges during training sessions featuring feminism-driven materials, and subsequently often plays out as unaccountable kangaroo courts. The result is that an adversarial mother who initiates a divorce against the will of the father –however indifferent her parenting skills, however superb his and even if the children spend their days with nannies or day care workers –pretty well has a lock on sole custody of the children. If she denies rightful access to the father, she will never be punished at all. Conversely, if he withholds money, he will be criminalized: His picture as a “deadbeat dad” may appear on government-sanctioned Internet sites, and if he goes to jail, as is likely, he will serve a longer sentence than cocaine dealers.

Most men think such kafkaesque scenarios can’t happen to them. Happily married men parenting with equal diligence believe in their hearts that men who find themselves savaged by the family law system are congenital losers, or were demonstrably lousy husbands and fathers. Many such “winners” are in for an unpleasant surprise.

“We want to pull away from the idea that parents have rights in relation to their children,” said Jennifer Cooper, chair of the Canadian Bar Association’s family law section, representing 2,200 divorce lawyers. “Parents” in this statement is the hypocritical lip service feminism pays to humanism: She meant “fathers,” for women’s rights today are never “pulled away from,” only supported or furthered. In the days when children belonged to both their parents, it used to be said that children were “hostages to fortune.” Today they are hostages to feminism and the state.

In his new, cleverly titled book, Taken into Custody, Stephen Baskerville, president of the American Coalition for Fathers and Children, paints a bleak picture of the routine injustice a divorcing father can expect when a woman initiates a divorce. Baskerville baldly warns: “If I have one urgent piece of practical advice for young men today, it is this: Do not marry and do not have children.” His book, like many others of the genre, makes a persuasive case. Men should read them. If the system does not become equitable, don’t be surprised if men choose increasingly, and with reason, to play their trump card: Voting for equality with their condoms.

The Plight of Divorced Dads (Feminism, Misandry, Child Custody Laws, Disenfranchised Fathers)

bkay@videotron.ca

(Reprinted with permission)

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He’s Full of Shit

LM let PEW have the boys 3 days early, nice guy that he is. Of course it wasn’t at all because he believed she deserved it, it’s just not often that we are in a position to take advantage of a kid free weekend. (Of course turned around she would scream “seee you don’t want your kids you asshole.” Um, yea, whatever.) After the weekend was over, the craziness comes out:

(1/07/2008)

PEW
Was S2 complaining of a stomach ache while he was with you?

LM
Yes. Twice. He’d go into the bathroom and either pass gas or go #2 and be fine (according to him).

PEW
Well according to S2 he didn’t go #2 the whole time he was away…..and I tend to believe that because Saturday morning he had the hugest bowel movement I ever saw in my life, followed by diarrhea for the last three days. I had to take off today and take him to the Dr’s. Maybe you shouldn’t ignore complaints of tummy aches. See this is a perfect example of how you harm the children…..the kid didn’t crap for 3 weeks??? Some would say it’s more emotional that manifests itself physically. You’re an idiot. Great idea, keeping a 6 year old from his mother for three weeks.

Fellow mothers beware! If your child doesn’t see you for THREE WHOLE WEEKS he will take the biggest shit of his life! Um, what a fucking freak. Seriously, I would like all of you to try to NOT take a shit for 3 weeks and see how much pain you are in. If this kid had 3 weeks worth of shit compacted in his intestines, I’m pretty sure we would have known about it, not to mention the doctor. Besides that fact is I know everytime he shits because he doesn’t FLUSH THE FUCKING TOILET. That’s what Mom is for! Also, does someone have a high opinion of themselves or what? Awww, her poor baby missed her sooooo much that he couldn’t even make his body function *insert rolleyes*. I’m sure she’ll be adding this to her long list of our wrongdoings to present in court this month, can’t wait!

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Notable Crazy E-mail #4512

You have to love moments like this. We are sitting around, supposedly doing work, when an e-mail comes in from PEW. We figure she got copied on the teacher e-mail we just received regarding more issues with S9, so we can’t wait to read her Motherly wisdom *insertrolleyes*. Instead, we are met with the funniest e-mail ever:

(12/04/2007) PEW
Just a heads up for you…..you are way way way too strict on our boys. This is not 1950 anymore…there IS TV, there ARE video games…..”everything in moderation”…..you need to loosen up before we have a couple rebels on our hands. I’m really starting to get annoyed with the whole situation.

Oh my God. Seriously? What she really thinks the boys need is MORE TV and Video games? You have got to be kidding me. Let me give you a clue lady. Your kid beats the shit out of other kids at school because he doesn’t have a clue how to interact with other kids BECAUSE ALL HE DOES IS WATCH TV AND PLAY VIDEO GAMES. We have rebels on our hands because when a teacher asks you how to handle your son, you say you don’t know and she should talk to the school counselor. You wouldn’t know moderation unless it came with a drive through option coated in grease.

And what is she going to do if we don’t let the boys veg out in front of the electronic babysitter? File more false abuse charges? Maybe she can add it to the fact that we “don’t let them eat ice cream” that was dismissed on the last report.

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