“Corrupt, Inefficient, Lazy, and Stupid” is how Alec Baldwin describes the lawyers, judges, and others who are part of the Divorce and Custody Industry. Yes, it’s an industry which generates billions of dollars of revenue and income for the states and all of the players within the system.
And so opened the story featured on ABC’s program 20/20 on September 19th, 2008.
Alec Baldwin is stepping up to the plate and is making a concerted effort to do something about what he calls the “delays and manipulations” that serve to destroy and divide divorcing families more than the circumstances at hand often do. I believe that this is something that we all want to see happen in our lifetimes. Baldwin’s struggles were apparently so bad that he had even contemplated suicide. When one stops to consider that more the 25,000 men in this country commit suicide each year, you have to wonder how many of those men were in the midst of a bitter divorce and custody battle that saw them marginalized as a parent, stripped of their right to be a parent, and relegated to little more than a wallet, from which states strive daily to extract the maximum amount of money “in the best interests of the children.” Men commit suicide at a rate that is 4-times greater than women.
Throughout his lengthy struggles in family court and the years he lost with his daughter, Ireland, he struggled with depression and despair. These types of feelings and experiences are repeated tens-of-thousands of times over in this country and abroad.
Diane Sawyer, even at the very outset of the interview, sought to label Baldwin’s rather low opinion of the divorce & family court system as a “scorched earth” attitude. Baldwin wisely countered that such an attitude defines one who actively seeks the negative in a particular situation. This is not what he did, but in reality, the situation was “thrust” into his face. It is his experience that brought him to these realizations. Again, this is a point with which I agree. My own attitudes, for reasons even unknown to me, led me to believe that things had changed in divorce & family court for the better for fathers since my own parents split up. I would soon learn that nothing could be further from the truth.
He describes his feelings for the love of his love, daughter Ireland – “When I’m with her, I am happy.” Aren’t we all when in the company of our children who we love unconditionally? His marriage to Kim Basinger began to fall apart when Ireland was 5-years old.
When asked about the warning signs that signaled the end of his marriage was near, he refused to divulge details, laughing at one point when telling Sawyer that Basinger would probably be a lot more “chatty” about warning signals about him manifested themselves to her. Then, Baldwin made a statement that I suspect will ring true throughout the overwhelming majority of divorced men in high-conflict situations.
“The harshest thing I could say is I was married to someone for whom all dissent was abuse. If you had your own opinion, you were abusive.”
This describes my psycho ex-wife in a nutshell. It encapsulates her attitude about everything and like many other words that serve as lightning-rods for those with an agenda, the definition of what is “abuse” has been so bastardized today as to make it’s true definition completely meaningless. If you are divorcing someone who takes this attitude – you’re in for a long and difficult divorce and custody process that will be rife with accusations that you probably think are unimaginable to be attributed to you.
While asserting that he and Basinger did not argue all the time and, when they did, it was his belief that nothing he ever argued about was over something that was insignificant, he maintains that nothing occurred in the marriage that was deserving of anything that took place in its aftermath. The dreaded high-profile custody battle lasting 8-years… 365 documents… 91 court proceedings… 8 lawyers… 4 judges… 3-million dollars.
It started, as many do, with the mother removing the child from the marital home and moving some long distance away, in this case, from Los Angeles to New York, with Basinger citing Ireland’s “health” as the reason. Once a “court sponsored mediator” began to analyze a custody arrangement, Alec Baldwin didn’t see Ireland for 2-years (except for very infrequent arrangements during the process) and, Baldwin asserts, he had done absolutely nothing wrong. He did what he could to remain in her life, volunteering at school and being local to her as often as possible. This type of story is played out every day an untold number of times by people with far less financial resources than Alec Baldwin. So, we can see where thousands of fathers fail where Baldwin, thus far, has been able to succeed, assuming you can call his mess a “success” at this point. Of course, the more involved he tried to be, the more Basinger, he alleges, began to turn Ireland against him and he spoke of parental alienation syndrome.
His forthcoming book, A Promise to Ourselves: A Journey Through Fatherhood and Divorce chronicles his experiences and provides details of the horrifying and sad stories of the impact of parental alienation on his daughter and himself. “Mommy says you’re sick” is an exact phrase I’ve heard come from my own children and unlike Baldwin who told Sawyer that he said absolutely nothing to Ireland when she told him this, I would simply tell my children that what mom said simply wasn’t true and that I was sorry that they had to hear that.
Unsurprisingly, Baldwin was ordered into “anger management” classes, like so many fathers are on the simple accusations of the mother, and he followed the order to attend. And while being a public figure, Baldwin’s occasional outburst become tabloid fodder, for many low-profile fathers, that’s not necessarily the case and yet – they’ll be ordered into them just the same. The problem that arises with this situation is that once ordered into one, there is a perception that you have anger problems or are an abuser and that impacts the attitudes of those charged with making the life-affecting decisions regarding your parenthood. The typical anger-management class is predicated on the shameful “Duluth Model” which is a feminist-driven agenda item that blames all of the evils of society on men. (Perhaps a post for another day.)
Just as the court sponsored mediator was preparing to award joint-custody after these first two years of limited contact, the Basinger attorneys exercised their right to FIRE the mediator. They did this the day before she was to make her recommendation. The problem with this? It sets them back to the very beginning. The classic delay tactic of a vindictive, malicious mother. Off to court they go! When describing his feelings about the court experience Baldwin said:
“The lawyers are there to make money. It’s an industry. It’s a racket. Judges are like pit bosses in Vegas casinos. Their job is to make sure everyone stays at the table and keeps gambling.”
Folks, there exists no better description of the family court system at-large.
8-months later, the judge awards joint custody in his case. He would fly across the country every other weekend to spend his “court authorized time” with his daughter. He even went so far as to have phone calls scheduled right into the order. The incessant interference with these calls is what would lead to the now famous voice mail that Baldwin left to his daughter in a moment of frustration. Alec Baldwin even rented a home 9-doors away from Ireland. However, Basinger was allegedly already driving a wedge between he and his daughter.
A montage of father videos is shown with them speaking of the alienation from their children and Baldwin discusses this more in-depth. He calls the situation a “national crisis” and that fathers all over the country are paying a steep price, along with the children. His belief and the belief of many others, is that parental alienation is a form of child abuse. It is largely a woman-on-man “crime” and it’s furthered by the gender bias that exists in America’s family courts.
When normal male behavior is being characterized as abuse, even the slightest action demonstrated during a normal emotion can cost you custody of your children. He uses an example of having an argument with your wife and smashing your cellphone down in the driveway now being characterized as “abuse.” (There are actually worse examples of that and nowadays, just saying something that hurts your spouse’s feelings can be characterized as abuse.) On the flip side, Baldwin again validates the beliefs of most men who are involved in a custody dispute or close to some father involved in one, when he says:
“You gotta catch the mother, as I said in the book, with a crack pipe in one hand, in bed with her pimp, and the child chained to a radiator before they do anything.”
Much to my dismay, Joan Myer, professor of law at George Washington University claims, “Family courts are bending over backwards to bring fathers into their children’s lives.” Of course, she doesn’t substantiate that in the limited time given with any objective evidence of such. Further, my research, my experience, and the experiences of those with whom I interact on a daily basis and via this blog lead me to believe that nothing could be further from the truth. Further, she goes on to outright dismiss parental alienation syndrome and, much like the radical feminist that I imagine she is (and I will look into it) she further propagates the myth that parental alienation is claimed by people who are using it to “defeat abuse claims.” Sawyer cites the National Organization of Women’s cloak of defense with their (accurate, if misleading) claim that PAS is not a “recognized syndrome” and it’s not “legally child abuse” in terms of it being a chargeable offense. You’ll notice how neither denies that poisoning a child’s mind against the other parent is possible and easily achievable, especially when the target parent has been forced to the fringes or out of their children’s lives.
I concur with Baldwin’s statements and I’m certain that many fathers would echo the sentiment that fathers who wish to be fully involved in their children’s lives “loathe and despise” fathers who physically or sexually abuse their children… who have the means but willfully fail to pay reasonable support… who abandon women whom they’ve impregnated. However:
“It doesn’t change the fact that there are women who get divorced and in order to punish, out of this bitter, bitter hatred that some of these women have for their ex-husbands – they turn their children against them. Everybody knows that’s real.”
Still, the interference with Baldwin’s custodial time with Ireland was granted with the full support of the court, on the 2nd-hand claim that Ireland said that she “felt unsafe” around Alec. Another investigation, another extended period of no time with his daughter, charges dismissed, custodial time restored. I’ve experienced these same types of claims repeatedly from my own psycho ex-wife. The children don’t like spending time with me. They are afraid of me. They don’t want to come to be with me. They hate it with me. It’s indescribably disgusting.
When speaking about the phone rant towards his daughter, he described the experiences and frustrations of the reality that less than 25% of his phone calls were getting through or returned or otherwise being facilitated by the other side. It is a moment he regrets. Still, in the face of hard questioning by Sawyer, he stood by his claim that there was an expectation of privacy and, that the bigger picture is that the voice mail was released to the tabloid website TMZ. While Kim Basinger denies being the source of the leaked tape, one can probably safely assume that Ireland wasn’t the one who sent it to TMZ and the larger tragedy is as regretful as his voice mail may have been, what kind of person/mother furthers the embarrassment suffered by her daughter by releasing it to TMZ to be broadcast all over the world?
I gotta say, I have to agree with him here. Why? Not that he was justified with his angry words towards his daughter. It’s because I am of the firm belief that there isn’t a mother or father alive (or dead, for that matter) who hasn’t said something inappropriate, unnecessary, or downright wrong to their children during the course of their lives. Let that person or persons (if they exist) be the ones to sit in righteous judgment of Baldwin’s message to Ireland on that fateful day.
A quote from Basinger along with her denial of releasing the tape to TMZ went something like this… and tell me if you haven’t seen these words in any number of emails I’ve posted from the PEW:
Her sincerest wish “is for him to finally address his unstable and irrational behavior so at some point he can potentially create a relationship with his daughter.”
It’s as if all of these women are operating from the same playbook with the same glossary of terms to use in court, in public, and in this case – on television. I’m certain Alec would read this blog as so many others have and write the same thing to me… “My story is almost exactly the same as yours. In some cases, it’s literally verbatim!” I’m sure when I read his book, I will say the same damned thing.
Alec Baldwin is launching a crusade to change the way the divorce process operates. As an example, he will push to see that if there is no evidence that the father has been abusive to the school-aged kids, he gets equal custody of the child right away. He would also like to see co-parenting coaching in an effort to prevent the types of alienation of children that he’s purported to have experienced with Ireland at the hands of Basinger.
One of his closing quotes during the segment is one that I repeat in some way, shape, or form at least 2- to 3-times per month:
“Everything with my daughter now is fine. Everything with my daughter is great, so long as the mother stays… out… of… the way.”
It’s my feeling exactly. Despite knowing the answer, and that is, I believe my PEW is truly ill, I often ask myself why she does and says the things she does. Why does she treat me the way she does, despite now having her divorce and distance between us? Why does she persist in the chaos and terror when all I want is the minimum contact necessary on matters of importance and relevant to the children? Why does she persist when I couldn’t care less what she does or is doing with her life provided it doesn’t negatively impact the children?
The bottom line is that if the psycho ex’s of the world would simply carry on with their lives and share custody of the children and limit contact to only what is absolutely necessary – life would be so much better for everyone, including them!
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